"I've no idea how it started," the changeling said. "I didn't seem a big deal at first. Guess I was in denial."

"Uh-huh," Starlight said absentmindedly. The more she could learn about the changeling, the better. A few identities and an address would be nice. "Err, what did you say your name was?"

"Oh, sorry. Just call me Shifty."

Drat! As name as nature, apparently. Starlight had hoped for something more usable. Maybe it would be a good idea to send a message to Twilight about this? Carousel Boutique was too far away, but Starlight could easily teleport a scroll outside the castle for anypony to find. Curious as Ponyvillians were, they'd pick it up, read it, and take it to its destination. All she needed was to be sure it was properly addressed.

"Just give me a moment, Shifty." Starlight grabbed the first empty piece of paper she could find. Her first thought was to go with something simple and to the point. The changelings are here! seemed a good option, though possibly a bit laconic. Twilight was smart, she'd probably figure it out in an instant. Unless she overreacted again… which she was prone to doing. Starlight shivered at the mental image. On second thought, it sounds like a threat. Twilight might enter panic mode and that’s more destructive than the changeling itself.

Maybe something more formal? Twilight loved that stuff. Dear Princess Twilight, I hope this letter finds you in good health. That was elevated, and refined, and far too cringeworthy for Starlight to bear. No! No way I'm writing that! Even if Ponyville is overrun by—

"Is everything alright?" the changeling asked. "I can hear paper shuffling. Are you writing our conversation down?"

Damn the changelings and their extreme hearing! "Just writing down the time and date of the call," Starlight lied without hesitation. Another skill of her past that turned out useful at times. "Procedure."

"Oh, right." Thank Celestia he's an idiot, she thought.

When in doubt, copy. Twilight used to write to Princess Celestia a lot. I'll just use her letters as a template. The quill moved about, putting Starlight's thoughts on paper.

Dear Princess Twilight,

Today I learned that there’s a changeling in Ponyville!

Your faithful student, Starlight Glimmer.

Not the best letter, but it would have to do. Concentrating, Starlight teleported it as far outside as she could. Now a pony just had to find it and take it to the Princess. Easy as pie.

"All done." The unicorn smiled to the voice crystal. "Now, what exactly is your friendship problem?"

"Well, simply put... I guess you can say that... strictly speaking..." Shifty started stalling. For some reason he didn't want to get to the point. His reluctance made Starlight curious. "You see... I'm obese."

"That's interesting," Starlight said automatically. "What do you thin—" she stopped, grasping the absurdity of what she had just heard. "Wait, what?! You are fat? That's it?!"

"No need to rub it in!" the changeling grumbled. "Not my fault everypony in Ponyville is so lovable! When I took the assignment I started with two. That gave me enough calories to get by, but not half as much info. From there I decided to expand. Just a bit, I told myself. I got to five and things started really going downhill."

"You're feeding off... *ahem* I mean, you're in close relations with five ponies?" Way to go, Shifty! That is, if you weren't a changeling.

"No." the changeling let out a deep sigh. "Not five ponies… five identities. I'm in close relations with over a dozen ponies."

"... wow!" Starlight only managed to say. She was shocked, impressed and envious at the same time. A dozen ponies. That was... that was bonkers! Some creatures get all the luck! she grumbled to herself.

"I know!" Was Shifty crying? "I never expected it to get this bad. I've always had a fast metabolism, so I thought 'sure, I can handle a few more'. Look at me now! I'm as fat as a Princess after breakfast!" The image made Starlight cringe. "I spend half my time running from place to place to burn off calories and it still doesn't help! And you know what the worst part is?"

"Err, no." I bet you fell in love, but your special somepony left you because you're fat.

"The fatter I become, the more they love me!" the changeling sobbed. "If things continue I'll turn into a ball of blubber by the end of the year!"

"Mmhmm." Starlight placed both hooves on her mouth as she tried to stifle her laughter.

"The weddings didn't help either," he went on. "Even my parents in law are nice to me. I really don't know what I must do."

"Parents in law?" Starlight blinked.

"I have two wives, one husband and a fiancé," Shifty explained, making Starlight gape at the crystal in disbelief. "Expecting a child in a week or two."

"Ch... Ch... Child?!" Wait, what? How? Err?! "Hold on, a moment! You're a changeling with five identities, over a dozen close... friends, and you went on to get married three times?! Are you crazy?"

"I've got an eating problem, okay!" Shifty whimpered. "It's a medical condition! If I had a solution I wouldn't be calling you, would I?"

Technically, the changeling was right. However, eating disorder usually wasn't the first thing that came to mind upon hearing the phrase Friendship Hotline. Then again, maybe for a changeling it was one and the same. Sliding a hoof down her face Starlight started thinking. This certainly was a fine mess the changeling had gotten himself into. By all accounts she should be glad, gloating even. Instead she felt she wanted to help him. Two wives and a husband? Daaaamn, Shifty!

"Did you try, I don't know, ending one of your relationships?" Starlight suggested.

"Yes." Shifty sniffed. "And things got worse. The ponies in question missed me so much that their love towards me doubled. I had to patch up things just so that the flow of calories returned to previous levels."

"Ouch!"

"Tell me about it," Shifty sighed. "And I can't imagine how terrifying things will become when my children are born."

"Oh? They'll become some strange pony-changeling hybrid that will enslave the town, bending all to their will and then move on to try and conquer Equestria?" Starlight rubbed her chin. It sounded the logical progression of things. "And when they do they'll start fighting each other for total control, tearing the land apart until only smoldering rubble is left?"

"What? No!” A wave of shock and horror came through the voice crystal. "Lady, you've got issues. Why would you even imagine such things?"

Oops. "No reason." Starlight smiled guiltily. For once she was happy they weren't leading this conversation face to face. She would have died of embarrassment otherwise.

"It's an urban myth that a changeling's child is a hybrid," Shifty explained. "I don't blame you. Our propaganda divisions have been spreading those rumours for generations. Truth is, any child I have is exactly the same as the species I shift into."

"Oh?" That's interesting. I never knew changelings were perfect copies of what they were copying. Maybe I should get a changeling friend?

"Only royals can breed new changelings, and yes, those are hatched from eggs."

"Right." This changed things considerably. So much for the conquest of Equestria theories. "So more children means more love you get?"

"Yep. And if that's not enough, I think Princess Twilight has started giving me the eye. Just five minutes ago, she—" The changeling was suddenly interrupted by the sound of Starlight falling off her chair and crashing to the floor. If anything she never imagined Twilight to be the flirty type. "Err, are you okay? It sounded like something crashed—"

"Technical difficulties." Starlight scrambled to get back up. "New hotline and all. Can you just repeat that last bit? Sounded like Twilight was... flirting with you?"

"Oh, I wish it was flirting," the changeling snorted. "If she wasn't a passive bookworm she'd be all over me by now. Which still could happen, if I'm not careful. Don't get me wrong, she's nice and all, but being the coltfriend of the Princess of Friendship... I'll die of overeating in a month."

"Well, I guess it could be worse," Starlight mused. "Could have been Princess Cadence."

A gasp of cold horror came through the voice crystal. "Don't even joke about that. Why do you think nobug has volunteered to infiltrate the Crystal Empire?"

"Point taken." Looking at it that way, it's quite scary. "So Twilight, eh? How did that happen? I didn't even know she had a type."

"There are certain advantages to being a changeling," Shifty said smugly. "I get to know what everypony's preferences are. You're right, though, Twilight, has rather... specific and well organized tastes, let's say. Ironically it's my weight problem that's kept me safe so far."

"That sounds like cheating." Why can't I do a trick like that? Surely there must be a spell somewhere about this?

"Don't blame me, it's natural instinct. I change into something that would be liked, both for food and survival. Can't beat those odds." He sounded too pleased about it. "And as you've seen, it comes with its risks."

"And no one at home can help you?" I wonder what Shifty looks like. The aren't that many fat ponies around. I should start asking about them.

"Are you kidding?" he laughed. "I haven't been sending reports for months! The moment the hive learns about this, they'll extract me and put me on a diet of cold sympathy for years! I might have a slight weight problem, but I enjoy eating. The food here is the best I've ever had! Better than Canterlot even! Do you know what it's like having to live on of cold sympathy for months? The taste is worse than week old stale muffins!"

"Yuck!" Still, you did admit you had an eating problem. I can work with that.

"And the ridicule I'll get." Shifty went on. "Despite all the stories about the hivemind being one, and all that, it's not true. The mind is just a thought network. Close to your hotline in a way. You connect, you can listen in and share as many thoughts as you wish. That's it. And let me tell you, most changelings are an envious bunch."

"Riiiight..." Says the one with two wives, a husband, a fiancé, who is also being hit on by Twilight. "Well, I think I've got an solution for you."

"Really?!" There was so much enthusiasm in the voice that for a moment Starlight wondered if this wasn't another prank call.

"Err, yes, really." I'll hate myself for doing this, but he sound like a nice bug. Guess I'll risk it. Besides, Twilight is always going on about how I should make new friends. "But your indiscriminate love-feeding must stop! Give the rest of us a chance, okay?" No, no, no! I didn't mean to say that! It came out all wrong!

"Hmm." The changeling hesitated. Typical glutton. He acknowledged his eating problem, but at the same time didn't want to stop. "Very well." The words were spoken with bitterness. "What do I do?"

"Give your excess love away," Starlight stated.

"Err?"

"If for you emotion is food, then food must also be emotion. All you have to do is to give it away and all will be fine."

There was a long moment of silence. If the Crystal wasn't glowing Starlight would have thought that the changeling had left.

"It doesn't work that way," he finally said. "Good try, but I can't give it away. Not that I don't want to. It just can't happen. You ponies just can't consume emotions. Not in that way. I love my husband and wives a lot, but that still doesn't change a thing."

"Who said anything about ponies?" Starlight was feeling pleased with herself.

"If not ponies, then..." The changeling stopped. Obviously he had caught on. "No! Are you crazy? There's no way I'm going back to the hive! They'll never let me come back to Ponyville!"

"Then don't go back to the hive. All you need is to find a changeling or two that could feel off your excess. Since you are an envious bunch, as you said, I bet they'll keep the arrangement a secret."

"Hmm." Shifty didn't sound entirely convinced. "Well, at this point I'm willing to try anything. It might work, I guess." He paused again. "If anything, I'll see the results soon enough."

"There you have it! Be sure to let me know how it goes." And you better tell me some juicy gossip next time!

"Will do. Thanks, Starlight! This hotline thing might be a good idea after all." If nothing else, Shifty certainly sounded hopeful. "I guess, I should prepare for more Twilight tail flicks then," he laughed. "See you."

"That's right, Shifty." Starlight nodded. "Get ready for those Twilight tail flicks... Wait, what?" She grabbed the voice Crystal with both hooves, but it was too late. The call had just ended.