“I can’t thank you enough for helping out with this,” said Twilight as she trotted through the oversized crystalline halls of her castle, dressed in clothing appropriate for a regional warlord, complete with a smaller version of her royal crown.

“Think nothing of it, dear,” said Rarity, following alongside Twilight in a light but elegant summer dress. “I just adore socializing with all of Equestria’s elite, and I’m honored that you chose me to help welcome a diplomat to our humble hamlet!”

“He’s not really a diplomat,” said Twilight. “I think he’s some kind of official from the Equestrian military.”

“Military? Here?”

Twilight nodded. “Yes. Since I’m a princess now, Ponyville is technically my fiefdom. So, pretty much I own you all.” Twilight giggled. “You’re ALL my little ponies now! But yeah, he’s been touring Equestria recently to…well…for some reason…”

“You don’t know why?” said Rarity.

“Well, I don’t even…know who he is.”

Rarity froze. “You mean you have a high-ranking official from the Equestrian military coming to visit you- -complete with a reception party planned- -and you didn’t even bother to learn WHO he is?”

Twilight shrugged. “I’ve been busy. We had a gas main explode near the castle, like, two days ago. A whole bunch of the Rich family’s employees were injured, and no one seems to be able to remember what happened.” She the leaned close to Rarity, and her actual emotions became apparent. “I have no idea what I’m doing! I’m usually so prepared, I just don’t know what to do! And…and it makes me feel really funny…”

“Well, I’m sure it will be okay,” said Rarity, pushing Twilight back. “You do have me, after all.”

“Yes, I do. All that poise and stuff. Plus, I know he’s a unicorn, and you’re a white unicorn, which means if all else fails you can ‘distract’ him.”

“Excuse me?”

“And at least I managed to do SOMETHING right.” Twilight pointed to the griffon guards that were stationed at various corners of the hallways and patrolling the halls. “I managed to beef up security…or, as Rainbow Dash says, ‘beefcake’ up security. Whatever that means. Of course, I can only afford them for a week. They charge through the nose...or beak, as the case may be.” She turned to Rarity. “I just wish I had hired them in time to stop you from getting, you know, slapped silly.”

“I only wish they had been around to stop that poor girl Toaster from being accosted in the first place,” said Rarity. “Really, after what they did to her…I just don’t feel safe at night.”

“Don’t worry, Rarity. With all these griffons, we’re sure to catch the Ponyville Pugilist any day! And when we do, I can test out the dungeon that I had Spike dig!” Twilight laughed, and her humor rapidly became more insincere. “Sweet Me, I’m nervous.”

“Oh, don’t worry,” said Rarity. “I’m sure this whole visit will go quite well.”

“Yeah,” said Twilight. “What could possibly go wrong?”

They arrived at the meeting room chosen for the initial part of the occasion. Twilight had planned out the entire event as best as she could, and had the list tucked under one of her wings. The day would start with a royal greeting, followed by a tour of Ponyville. A reception party had been planned for afterword with the mayor and representatives of the citizens, which Twilight imagined would entail a long and deliciously dull question-and-answer session. She had it all worked out.

Knowing that with even a short list nothing could possibly go wrong, Twilight pushed open the door- -and was immediately greeted with a large, green eye inches away from her face.

“Gah!” she cried, jumping back.

“LATE!” said the raspy, gravelly voice of the pony who had been lurking on the other side of the door. Even jumping backward in fright, Twilight was able to see an irate looking stallion staring her down. His overall coat color was a light caramel, with hair that must once have been flaming red now fading to gray. He was dressed in a olive-green uniform decorated with all kinds of doodads and military things to indicate how high-ranking he was.

The stallion pulled back his sleeve, revealing six separate watches. He pointed at them. “You are exactly one minute and sixteen seconds late, Princess Sparkle! In this time-zone alone! And it’s even worse in the next one, you’re an HOUR and one minute and sixteen seconds late!”

“But I’m early if you go the other way- -”

“LATE!”

Twilight was about to burst into tears from suddenly coming face-to-face with her worst fear: tardiness. Rarity noticed this and stepped forward.

“We really do apologize, General,” she said. “We were simply ensuring that everything was prepared for your visit.” She stepped forward again, and two heavily armored unicorn guards emerged from the shadows of the room. Rarity cried out, in part from the surprise and in part from how excessively ugly their full-body armor was.

“You brought guards?” said Twilight recovering slightly.

“I always travel with enough troops to launch an invasion should the need arise!” shouted the General, as though Twilight had just insulted him.

“But…there’s only three of you…”

The General moved his face close to Twilight’s again, glaring at her with one green eye. “What’s that? Did you just challenge me? Was that a declaration of war? Do you WANT me to invade you?” He paused, looking up, considering what he had just said. “Scratch that last one. It sounded dirty.” He stepped back and began to cross the room. “Well what are you both waiting for? I’m two time-zones early! Let’s get MOOOOVING!”

Rarity sighed. This was going to be a long day.

“And that over there is the town hall,” said Twilight, pointing. They had quickly moved through the town, and already shown him several sights of the carefully-crafted tour she had designed. Doing this caused Twilight to Realize that she had actually prepared pretty well- -except for not knowing what the General’s name was, or what branch of the military he was actually from.

“You mean you don’t govern yourself?” he said, breaking what had been a characteristic and stern silence.

“Oh, no,” said Twilight. “I mostly just managed friendship problems. My seat of power is mostly just ceremonial.”

“And yet you have enough magical potential to strangle this town beneath your iron hoof.”

“Oh, well, I don’t mean to brag, but…”

“I don’t think that was a compliment, dearie,” whispered Rarity.

“Oh.”

“About how much yeast does this village have?” asked the General.

“Yeast?”

“Do I need to repeat myself? YEAST! YEAST! YEAST!” He paused. “If you say it enough, it sure does sound strange.”

“I think Pinkie Pie keeps some,” cried Twilight. “But she specializes in quick breads, really.”

“So understocked, I see.”

They went back to walking. The weather was nice- -because Twilight had submitted the necessary forms in triplicate to make it that way- -but Twilight still felt terribly nervous. The General was difficult to read; even Rarity’s charm could not make him smile. Stranger, though, was that Twilight could not place his uniform or any insignias. That in itself was odd; both her father and brother had been in the Royal Guard, and she was familiar from her reading of all branches of the Equestrian military both past and present, dating back to the early Second Era.

None of the General’s markings were consistent with any branch of the Royal military, or with the independent Unicorn Army or Navy. He was most definitely not a Wonderbolt, nor was he from any known sub-fiefdom. He was certainly an Equestiran official, but Twilight did not know which.

“Um, excuse me, Mr. General…”

“Just General. General is the general title. It is also my name. General Crusty.”

“Your name is Crusty?” said Rarity, shivering slightly.

“GENERAL Crusty. Because my parents knew what I was destined for.”

“Well, I was just wondering,” said Twilight. “I don’t recognize your uniform…what branch of the military are you from?”

The General froze, and glared down at Twilight. She actually was shorter than him- -he was both a stallion and unusually tall, and Twilight, despite having lost her coat, had not yet grown to full alicorn height- -and he felt so intimidating.

“You didn’t read the briefing, did you?” he said, almost in a whisper.

“N…no,” admitted Twilight.

“Well, it wouldn’t have helped. It was calculated misinformation.”

“You…you made a briefing that was misinformation?”

“Can’t be do careful. I don’t even know if I can trust YOU.”

“But I’m the Princess of Friendship,” squeaked Twilight.

“So what? I’ve never once had a friend, and I’m fine.”

“Never?” gasped Rarity.

“No. The Toastmaster General doesn’t need friends.”

“Toast…master?” asked Rarity. She looked to the side, and saw that Twilight was just as confused. “Does that mean you are…in charge of toast?”

The General bent down, glaring at Rarity. “Did you know that toast is Equestria’s leading export, and of vital economic importance to the state?”

“No it isn’t,” said Twilight.

“No, it isn’t, but it COULD be.”

“I guess…”

“So you…are in charge of…toast?”

“All toast! French, regular, burnt. We Toastmaster are tasked with maintaining the toast supply. As well as elite military action, which is more of a secondary objective. Imagine, picture it: the Questlords of Inverness invade this quaint and boring town. Who defends you? WE do!”

“There hasn’t been a living Questlord in over five thousand years,” corrected Twilight. “Not since they betrayed Celestia at the battle of- -”

“Well, then, frost warlocks! We are the last line of defense against frost warlocks in Equestria!”

“Frost warlocks are a myth!” cried Twilight.

“That’s just what they want you to think!”

Rarity stepped back, trying to find a way to diffuse the situation. It almost looked like the two of them were about to fight. If there was one thing that got Twilight riled, it was historical inaccuracies- -and from what Rarity knew about Twilight, this could rapidly turn into a full-out hoof fight. The two silent, masked Toastmaster guards also seemed to sense this, and were preparing for aggression.

Before Rarity could come up with a solution, she heard the sound of laughing. She looked up to the source.

“Oh no,” she said, feeling a migraine forming at the base of her horn. There, crossing the road directly into their path was Toaster- -dressed in full prostitute uniform, complete with fishnets and a tiny lacy top so small that she might as well have been naked. She was not alone, either. Next to her was Fluttershy- -still wearing Toaster’s “borrowed” clothing. “Fluttershy, why?” moaned Rarity. “Why now?”

Two extremely excited unicorn colts were running around Fluttershy and Toaster, but when Toaster got into the middle of the street, everything went silent. The General stared up at her, and Toaster stared back. Twilight continued to argue for a moment, and then turned around. The look of mortification on her face was almost painful to look at, as well as the embarrassment of now having to explain the sudden presence of the town hooker to a military official.

There was something more in her expression, though. Rarity could not place it, because she had never seen Twilight look like that before. It was something like fear and anger, a dark aggression and surprise that was completely uncharacteristic of her.

Rarity was about to intervene, to try to do something before Toaster tried to proposition the General, but she moved too slow. Toaster broke the silence first.

“Daddy?” she said.

“Daddy?” cried Twilight, Rarity, Fluttershy, and the two colts. Fluttershy then promptly fainted from the drama, her girth nearly crushing the taller of the two colts who tried to catch her.

“Toaster?” said the General, wide eyed.

“Daddy!” cried Toaster, rushing forward.

Rarity breathed a long sigh of relief. The situation could have gone much, much worse. Now it seemed that it would be a touching family reunion instead of a complete disaster.

“ELIMINATE HER!” screamed the General.

The two guards stepped forward, charging their horns with fiery light. The heat was enough to cause Rarity to be forced back, and the guards pointed their horns directly at Toaster.

“Toaster, watch out!” cried Rarity.

Toaster did not even try to avoid the beams. They shot out toward her- -and were immediately absorbed by a red bubble that she unconsciously projected around herself. The feedback from the failed spell sent the two guards flying backward with smoking horns and cries that indicated that they were both female, but did not even slow Toaster.

“Daddy, I’ve missed you so much!” she cried, jumping and spreading her fishnet-clad forelegs in the air. “Hugs!”

The general charged his own horn, and Twilight was partially singed as the red light lashed forward. Toaster was struck directly in the chest and sent flying backward forty feet into a brick wall, which she promptly passed through.

“Is it weird that I have an erection?” said the smaller, gray colt.

“I thought it was just me,” wheezed the yellow one, who was being partially suffocated beneith Fluttershy’s immense weight.

“What did you do?” cried Rarity to the General. She started to run toward where Toaster was, to try to help her, but she felt toasty warm red magic wrap around herself.

“It will take more than that to do any real damage to her.” He turned to Twilight, who was still gaping at Toaster. “Princess Sparkle! Teleportation spell! Now!”

“The symbols…” said Twilight absently.

The rubble of the building started to move, and Toaster stood up, coughing dust.

“TELEPORT!! NOW!!”

Twilight obliged. Rarity saw felt space distort and momentarily saw the flash of wherever it was that they went when Twilight moved them. Then, one nauseating instant later, they were back in the castle. They had, in fact, emerged in the dining room where the reception was set to take place.

“Is the reception starting already?” said Mayor Mare. She then trailed off when she detected the tension in the room.

“What was that?” cried the Genreral. He descended on Rarity. “What was SHE doing here?”

“She- -she lives here, in Ponyville,” stuttered Rarity, unable to come up with a better response. “She has for…for over a week now- -”

“And what does she do? Why was she dressed like that?”

“She…she…” Rarity could not bring herself to say it, but a wide smile flashed from across the room.

“She’s the town prostitute,” said Pinkie Pie, setting down a plate of cupcakes made fresh for the occasion.

“Prostitute?” said the General, wide eyed. “My…my eldest daughter is a PROSTITUTE?”

Rarity shuddered. The situation had gotten worse, and it had gotten worse rapidly. Her mind was rapidly churning, trying to figure a way to get out of this situation, to get everything back on track. Then, one of the guards stood, helping the other to her feet.

“We will move to eliminate her immediately,” she said.

“Eliminate her?” gasped Rarity.

The General just laughed. “Do you think you could stand against HER? After getting your plots handed to you like that? You are both FAILURES. You make me sick!”

“Now that’s just uncalled for!” said Rarity. “They were doing the best that they could!” Rarity paused suddenly, realizing that she was justifying a sudden and potentially fatal unprovoked attack on a pony that she had since realized was not actually that bad.

“YOU,” said Twilight, stepping forward toward the General. The anger in her voice made every other pony- -even Pinkie- -step back in fear.

“I don’t have time for this, Princess Sparkle. I have to organize a military response.” He turned to leave, but as he walked away he was picked up like a toy in violet magic and turned back to Twilight.

“Unhoof me!” he said as he was set back down.

“Oh, I’ll more than unhoof you!” said Twilight. “That pony was your daughter. Am I right?”

“Yes. My oldest, and my most shameful failure.”

“Then what was that on her head?”

“You mean her horn? She is a unicorn.”

“I MEAN THE RUNES!” screamed Twilight.

“I have no idea what you are talking about- -”

There was a resounding slapping sound as Twilight back-hoofed the General’s face.

“Did you just hit me?” said the General. “That’s an act of war!”

“I’m a friggin god!” cried Twilight. “I can smack whomever I want! Do you think I don’t know what those marks were, what those…” Twilight shivered. “What those scars must have been?”

“You…you recognize them?”

“And I know that she did not put them on herself! No pony would curse herself with that fate! How could you! She’s your own daughter!”

“Twilight, I don’t understand,” said Rarity. She, of course, had seen the marks that were just beneath Toaster’s thin green fuzz of a mane. They looked like black letters, along with a lot of scars. She had never really given them much thought, though.

The Toastmaster General sighed. “I suppose I will have to disclose some classified information…”

The ponies that would have attended the reception took seats around the table. What had been meant as a party now became a summit. Attending were Twilight, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie, as well as Mayor Mare and a representative of the Ponyville schoolboards, Spoiled Rich. The General sat across from them, his green eyes fiery with impatience.

“This is a waste of time,” he said.

“No, it isn’t,” said Twilight, who was equally as angry as the General. “This is a scheduled part of the event. And you are not going anywhere until you tell me what you did to that poor filly.”

The General sighed. “I did not ‘do’ anything to her that was not part of her natural-born duty.”

“What do you mean?” asked Rarity.

“Those were enhancement runes,” hissed Twilight.

The General nodded. “The Toastmasters are a very ancient order who has protected the toast supply for generations. Creating a proper heir is important. So, when my first daughter was born, I took precautions to ensure that she would be the best that she could be.”

“By what?”

The General seemed to be trying to dodge the question.

“Answer me,” demanded Twilight.

“We modified her,” he said, at last. “To make her a better pony.”

“You mean you took her magic from her,” cried Twilight.

“Twilight, what do you mean?” asked Rarity.

“Yes,” said the Mayor. “From a laypony’s perspective, this is all terribly confusing.”

“It means he reached into her mind and changed her.”

“We made her stronger, better,” argued the General.

“No,” said Twilight. “You took away the use of her horn!”

“No. Our calculations indicate that she can split a tank in half at nine hundred yards without any great effort.”

“But if she ever tries to touch anything with her magic, or to hold a lover, she’ll burn him to a crisp!”

“A necessary sacrifice,” said the General. “She was solely intended to be a weapon. Nothing more. She is built to kill. It is her only purpose.”

“And how would you know that?”

The General smiled. “Because we achieved something novel with her. Our surgeries allowed her to develop an appropriate cutie mark.”

“You mean…”

“We successfully chose her destiny for her.”

“That’s sick,” said Twilight after a long silence.

“Clearly, you’ve never had a daughter,” said Spoiled Rich, who was watching this all with a smile on her face. “It is only appropriate for a parent to choose what her child will become in life.”

“She understands,” said the General.

“So you…you changed her magic with a surgery?” said Rarity, looking to Twilight for conformation.

“No,” said Twilight. “Oh, no. That spell on her head, those marks. That’s not one surgery.”

“That is correct,” said the General, flatly. “She has been undergoing constant modifications since birth until about three years ago, when we lost contact.”

“You mean she was in the hospital that whole time?” said Rarity as the mayor gasped.

“Oh, no,” said the General. “In a controlled laboratory. No pony in or out, save the doctors. We did not even bother to teach her to walk until she was ten. Granted, she was in a medically induced coma for a lot of that time.”

“That explains why she can hardly read,” said Rarity.

“You didn’t teach her to READ?!” cried Twilight. Rarity had to jump up to physically stop Twilight from jumping over the table. “Let me go! We’re so mad we could…and there it goes! Great! You made me use the royal ‘we’!” She turned her head and yelled loudly, “SPIKE! GET THE MOP!”

“You’re disgusting, Twilight!” called Spike’s voice back from some unseen location. “There, I said it!”

“How did she get out?” asked Pinkie, who had remained mostly silent in the darkest, shadowiest part of the table and was ignoring the bathroom humor.

“One of the staff left a gate open. She wondered out.” He shrugged. “We assumed she died.”

“You just let your own daughter walk out, and didn’t even look for her?” Twilight had ceased to struggle, but she was still tense in Rarity’s grip.

“The surgery had…downsides. Her magic far more powerful than it would have been, but a lot of her brain had to be connected to her horn to manage to control it. There was not a lot left. Besides, I have since had a pair of daughters who will hopefully manage to succeed me far more successfully.”

“So you just let a living weapon into our town?” said Spoiled Rich.

“That is exactly the problem,” said the General. “She is not meant for ordinary life.”

“Because you took that away from her,” snapped Twilight.

“Because it is her destiny.”

“That you gave to her!”

“But her destiny nonetheless.” He looked Twilight in the eyes. “I don’t much care what you think of me. But what we did was right, and it was just, even if we failed. But that…that THING is a danger to your town.”

“I agree,” said Spoiled Rich. She leaned forward. “Why, just the other night, I was dining with my husband when she and a customer accosted me! For no reason at all!”

“Not to mention what she did to Rarity,” added Pinkie.

“Rarity?” said the General. “What’s a ‘Rarity’? Is that a pony? That’s a terrible name for a pony.”

“I’M Rarity,” said Rarity.

“Oh,” said the General. “You should really consider a name change, then. That, and you are extremely lucky to be alive.”

“Wait, what?” said Pinkie, suddenly inordinately agitated. “It was just a fight!”

“And one touch with her magic, and your poorly named and unattractive friend here would have been reduced to a steaming puddle.”

“UNATRACTIVE?!”

“I call it like I see it,” said the General. “But trust me, you’re not nearly as bad as Toaster’s mother.”

“Wait, you mean…you mean that Rarity almost DIED? And I don’t mean how she dyed her hair- -”

“PINKIE!”

“- -but, like, you know, kicked the bucket? Bought the farm? Got her assets liquidated? Did the one thing Twilight can never do?”

“You mean have a night of passion with a stallion?” said Spoiled Rich, smirking.

“The second to last one in that list sounded dirty,” noted the General. “But, yes.”

Pinkie Retreated back into her seat and sunk beneith the table, releasing an unpleasant moan.

“Don’t worry, Pinkie, she’s okay now,” said Twilight. “And it’s not like you had anything to do with the whole situation anyway.”

“Yeah…”

“That fight was not Toaster’s fault,” said Rarity, trying to remain some semblance of composure. “She was confused. And other ponies have treated her terribly- -they beat her far worse than she did to me!”

“No they didn’t,” said Spoiled Rich, rolling her eyes. “Are you ignorant? She CLEARLY made that up to garner sympathy.”

“I SAW the bruises,” said Rarity.

“Then she beat herself up,” said Spoiled Rich in an infuriatingly condescending voice.

“If she was beaten- -and I don’t doubt it, what with being the way she is- - the fact that she did not vaporize every pony involved is evidence that she is only half-baked.” The General stood suddenly. “But more to the point! You need to have her removed, immediately!”

“She’s made some mistakes,” said Twilight, “but she’s done nothing wrong. Aside from the beating.”

“And causing Fluttershy to dress so…cheaply,” added Rarity.

“She is NOT harmless!” cried Spoiled Rich.

“And she is clearly breaking the law,” said The General. “I do not know how she ended up selling her body to lusty, sweaty stallions, but she is dishonoring our family and the Toastmaster order as a whole.” He turned to the mayor. “I’m surprised you haven’t thrown her jail!”

“Ponyville doesn’t have a jail,” said the mayor.

“I have a dungeon,” said Twilight. “It even has a rack.”

“Then your dungeon clearly has something that you lack.”

“HEY!”

“He’s right, dearie,” whispered Rarity. “I advise against pressing that point.”

“And, frankly,” said the mayor, “we don’t have any laws on the books against pony prostitution.”

“What?” said the General, less surprised but more as though he were actually asking a question. “Mayor, you can’t be serious!”

“Oh, you’re Generalness, please. Call me Meyer. Mayor is just my job title.”

“So we’re letting a pony like THAT get away with it?” said Spoiled Rich. “I will not have this! I simply WON’T! As a member of the schoolboard, I demand that you get rid of her! I won’t have my daughter learning such…horrid things. It is simply not acceptable to trade sex for money!”

“Says the pony who made her fortune between Filthy Rich’s sheets,” said Rarity as sweetly as she possibly could. She turned to Pinkie Pie, who usually appreciated a good burn, but Pinkie did not laugh. She just stared at the surface of the table looking terribly gray and despondent.

“That, and I really have nothing against prostitutes,” said the mayor. “I mean, back in my days in the Royal Army, I met a lot of them. Not that I used their services, though. But they definitely helped my friends through some hard times. I remember one time when one of my friends ordered a pair of bulky, sinewy stallions with a month’s pay to give her the most passionate night of her life, and event which she still clops to every…” she saw all the other ponies looking at her, and promptly cleared her throat. “But that was defiantly NOT me who did that. Nope.”

“I didn’t know you were in the army,” said Twilight. “What rank were you?”

“Oh, I was a major.”

“Major Mayor Mayer Mare?” said Pinkie Pie, barely able to smile at the ridiculousness of the joke.

“I’m pretty sure I’ve heard that gag much better executed in a book once…” said Twilight.

“I’m sure you’ve seen a lot of things better executed in books than you can in real life,” said Spoiled Rich.

“Well, of course, although I’m usually good with- -hey!”

“The law is quite clear on this,” said the General. “This region falls under the jurisdiction of Canterlot proper. Freelance prostitutes are not permitted. I demand that she be arrested immediately!”

“Not so fast!” said a voice from the edge of the room. Every pony turned toward its source, and all of them were momentarily confused as to why Muffins was suddenly a dude.

Bread stepped forward to an empty spot on the table and set down a briefcase as he adjusted his glasses.

“Oh, well that’s just great!” said Twilight. “I’m spending, like, a four thousand nine hundred and fifty eight bits an hour for a veritable griffon army, and ponies are STILL just walking into my house?”

“You really could lock the doors,” noted Pinkie Pie.

“What the hay are all those griffons doing?! What am I paying them for in the first place?!”

“I believe,” said Rarity, “that Rainbow Dash demanded that they be hired for the same reason that Spoiled Rich hires barely of-age pool colts.”

“I may be rich,” said Spoiled Rich, “but I am not above smacking a mare!”

“Ladies,” said Bread. “And Spoiled Rich. My name is Bread, Esquire, her to advise on the legality of these issues.”

“You are a Derp,” said Spoiled Rich. “There is no way you are a real lawyer.”

Bread said nothing, but flipped open his briefcase and removed some papers. He passed them to Twilight, who read them over quickly.

“Wow,” she said, wide-eyed. “He actually does have a law degree. And a master’s degree, too.”

“In what?” asked the mayor, desperate to get a line in.

“Herpetology,” said Bread.

“So, does that make you a herp-Derp?” said Pinkie.

“Pinkie!” cried Twilight. “Do not insult the lawyer!”

“I can insult whoever I want. Especially the town whoremaster.”

“That’s a conflict of interest!” cried Spoiled Rich.

“It kind of is,” said the Mayor.

“I will admit, I am dating Toaster.”

“You’re dating my daughter?” said the General.

“You’re Toaster’s father?!”

The whole table went silent with awkwardness. Somewhere, a griffon sneezed, and Twilight wondered how that was possible.

“Annnnyway,” said Bread, pulling out a number of documents. “What the General said is wrong.”

“So you aren’t dating my daughter?”

“Oh, no. Not that part. I definitely am. I’ve even seen her naked.”

“Dear me!” cried Rarity, nearly fainting.

“Rarity,” said Twilight, “we’re ponies. We’re usually naked. Male-Muffins is naked right now. So is Pinkie.”

“But the shock of it all!”

“Nevertheless,” said Bread, “Ponyville, as a royal fiefdom, is subject to a hierarchal law structure.”

“Which means what?” said the mayor.

“It means that town laws function in general, but can be overruled at any time by royal degree. And in the absence of any necessary law, the situation reverts to royal decree.”

“Wait, you mean I can just make laws whenever I want?” said Twilight. “That doesn’t seem very democratic.”

“Our nation is ruled by a pair of immortal goddesses. You are an immortal god-ruler with the magical capacity to level a small city. We live in a racial autocracy, not a democracy.”

“Oh…neat…I guess…”

“So then decree,” said the General. “Banish her…or better yet, demand an execution.”

“Nope,” said Twilight.

“Nope? What is this nope?”

“Nope. I believe it is what Big Mac says for a negative.”

“It’s what he says when she asks him for a date,” said Spoiled Rich.

“I’m going to ignore that,” said Twilight, making a mental note to tax the Rich. “But it means I’m not going to force her to leave.”

“WHAT? You fool! She’s a living weapon! She is a curse, a blight, a disease on my family!”

“She is a PONY. It was YOU who did unspeakable things to your own daughter. You make me sick, General. Also, you made me wee, and I do NOT like weeing!”

“She really doesn’t,” said Pinkie Pie.

“I will not stand for this!” said Spoiled Rich.

“You don’t have a choice,” said Bread. “Your goddess has spoken.”

“Like Tartarus I don’t!” cried Spoiled Rich. “I will take Satin’s gold-plated hoof up my plot to the shoulder before I give this up! I have influence! I will make her life a living torment! She has to know that dirty things like her are not welcome in this town!”

“And I will help her develop friendships and find a loving place in Ponyville that she can call home,” said Twilight, calmly. “She may be violent, and her magical condition is…untreatable…but I will do everything in my power to help her.”

“You…you will?” said Bread.

Twilight turned toward him. “Yes you…you…I’m not really sure what you are or where you came from…but I promise that your fillyfriend is safe here in Ponyville, and I will not send her away.”

“Thank you, Princess,” said Bread, bowing.

“Seconded,” said the mayor. “First thing in the morning, I will call a meeting of the city council to draft laws governing the mechanisms of prostitution in Ponyville. Perhaps…yes, perhaps we can start an initiative for study stallions to get into the business….oh yes…”

“And we will vote it down!” cried Spoiled Rich. “Pinkamena, back me up on this!”

“Twilight,” whispered Pinkie. She looked up, with tears running down her face. “How could you?”

“I can’t turn away a pony in need,” said Twilight. “And I’m tired of your moping. Pony up and at least try to get along with her.”

“I will NEVER get along with a harlot,” said Pinkie, standing up and stepping toward the door. “Even one that’s a virgin…and has a steady coltfriend…”

“Well, I imagine she’s not going to be a virgin much longer,” said the mayor. “Isn’t that right, Bread?”

Bread looked slightly panicked as the General glared down at with unabashed and unlimited hatred.

“But you, Twilight! You were supposed to be my friend! Can’t you see what she’s doing to Ponyville? She’s ruining its innocence!”

“Pinkie, if you have a problem with her, why don’t you just go tell it to her?”

“Tell…tell…well, that would never work….um…because…” Her eyes widened, and she face-hooved. “Because I didn’t think of that.”

The meeting came to an end pretty quickly after that. The ponies did not stay for the reception, largely because Pinkie’s heart was no longer in it. The mayor went back to wherever it was she lived, and Spoiled Rich stormed off. Pinkie just seemed to disappear. Spike came with the mop, and Rarity went to “freshen up”, which Twilight assumed meant she was pooping. Or, as Spike called it, “sitting on the royal throne”.

With the day now over and the sun starting to set, Twilight made her way into the dark hallways. As she did, though, she saw that the General was waiting for her in the darkness.

“I’m surprised,” he said to her. “You are not nearly as weak and useless of a leader as I expected. Very decisive indeed, even if you are horribly incorrect. I suppose I have slightly more respect for you now.”

“Thank you,” said Twilight, curtly, walking past him as though she were actually going somewhere.

“Which is why I am willing to let you choose.”

“Choose?” said Twilight, turning back. This pony was starting to annoy her, and she wanted him out of her house. “I already chose.”

“Not with all the information,” said the General.

“I had all the information. I even got a lawyer in here. For some reason.”

“A lawyer who knows Equestrian laws, yes. But not ours.”

Twilight felt a sudden surge of tension in the air. Something was wrong.

“What do you mean ‘ours’?”

The General stepped forward. “I am the Toastmaster General. We are an independent military force. Which means that it is within my jurisdiction to have any of my Toastmasters liquidated.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying you choose Toaster’s fate. Either you use that royal decree ability of yours to banish her from Equestria for the remainder of her life…or I have her toasted.”

“You can’t be serious!” gasped Twilight. “You would have your own daughter…killed?”

“Of course. In an instant. I have soldiers ready to mobilize.”

“But she’s your daughter!”

“And she has gone astray. I accept responsibility for this failure, and am willing to clean it up.”

“I will not let you kill one of my subjects- -”

“You can’t stop me. Even if you could, that would put you at odds with the Toastmasters…and that would end poorly for everypony.”

Twilight looked into his green eyes, and knew that he was serious. “You truly are a monster.”

“No. She is. I really, really want her dead. I think I would even have her head stuffed and mounted on my wall to remind her sisters to be better ponies. But, of course, as royalty, you get to choose her fate. Death or exile. You pick.”

“You know I can’t exile her,” said Twilight.

“Then the choice is made,” said the General, walking past Twilight to where his two guards seemed to materialize out of the darkness. “Do not worry, there will be very little mess. And not a drop of blood on your hooves.” He started to walk away.

“Wait!” cried Twilight. “Wait…”