Twilight Sparkle trotted through the hall of her castle, humming to herself. She was not entirely sure what time it was, in part because the castle had surprisingly few non-opaque windows and because she had been awake for four days now. One of the key perks of being an alicorn was that she no longer technically needed to sleep, or even to eat. She still did, of course, to prevent herself from setting a precedent that resulted in unusually high expectations from those around her- -that, and because she would occasionally have a recurring dream involving human Flash Sentry putting a saddle over her tiny pony body and riding her quite thoroughly. She rather liked that dream.

The lack of a need to sleep was almost worth the other side effects of being an alicorn- -almost. The wings were terribly itchy sometimes, and they shed. Worse, almost as soon as she had grown them, all of Twilight’s coat had fallen out. It was not actually noticeable because her skin, like her body hair, was purple- -but she was actually smooth and bald, meaning that she got cold easily and left greasy stains on a lot of furniture.

This room, of course, did not have much furniture, apart from a large mirror on one side. Not a magic mirror- -this was just a regular one. It did not go anywhere in particular or do anything in particular. Just a regular, ordinary mirror.

Twilight approached the mirror, smiling, and then became more serious. She looked around the room and checked to make sure Spike was not around. This took several seconds, but when she had finally assured herself that nopony was watching, she charged her horn and directed an extra special spell on herself.

Her color pattern in the mirror changed. Her purple skin shifted to white, and her bicolor hair became loosely tricolor, in pastel. When the spell was finished, Twilight was looking in the mirror at a tiny version of Celestia.

“Oh, Princess!” said Twilight, turning herself around to get a good look at herself. “You look amazing today…your rump is just so…round and so…soft,” she ran her own hoof over her own rump. The spell had not changed her cutie mark- -that kind of spell was usually just a tiny bit cataclysmic- -but her star looked enough like a sun for her to suspend disbelief.

“Why thank you, Twilight,” she said, mimicking Celestia’s voice. “Yours does not look bad either. I just want to- -”

“Ouch!” cried Twilight, having pinched her own rump. “Oh, Celestia!”

“You certainly are my favorite student,” said Twilight as Celestia. “My very best, most special student ever. In fact, I would say I’m so close to you that you’re almost my special somepony.”

“Oh, Celestia,” said Twilight.

“No, it’s true. And because of that, I want to give you access to the most secret portions of my private library.”

“Oh, Princess! You mean to books that nopony but you has had access too since Starswirl the Bearded?!”

“Yes. I want you inside my books, to read them, to turn their ancient pages and learn all the ancient, forbidden knowledge within…and then I want to give you something ELSE that only Starswirl had access to.”

“What’s that, Princess?”

“I want you to have my alicorn foals, Twilight.”

At about that time Twilight noticed that Spike was standing behind her, watching.

Twilight screamed and covered herself with her hooves. Quickly realizing that that only made her look more guilty, she rapidly engaged the counterspell, turning her coat and hair back to their normal color. “Sp- -Spike!” she said. “How long have you been standing there?!”

“Oh, since about the time the ‘Princess’ complimented your…ahem…rump?”

“Oh my…”

“Don’t worry about it,” he said, waving it off. “I’ve caught you doing much, much worse.”

“No you haven’t!”

“Yes, I have. How about that time in magic school. You know. With the picture of Moondancer? In the leg warmers?”

Twilight changed color once again, this time to the approximate shade of a beet. “Let’s just agree never to speak of this again.”

“Do you really think I WANT to speak about you’re weird mare instincts?”

“I sure hope not,” said Twilight, trotting out of the room. “Because that would make you a pervert. And Rarity hates perverts.”

“You would think that, wouldn’t you.”

Spike followed her down the hall back toward the room where he had been working. Twilight stepped through the doorway and found a large circular room with a carefully inscribed pentagram drawn onto the floor in charcoal and bone dust.

“Wow. Good job on the flanges,” she said.

“Yeah. You would not believe how hard it is to get charcoal to make the fancy tildes. But…um…what is this for again?”

“Spike,” chastised Twilight. “We’re summoning Satin, remember?”

“Oh yeah! Um…why?”

“To acquire ultimate knowledge, of course! Now…did you remember the sacrifice?”

“Sacrifice?”

Spike put his claw to his forehead. “Aw, I knew I forgot something!”

“No worries,” said Twilight. “This model only takes one chicken for startup. Now, where does Scootaloo live?”

They both looked at each other for a moment, realizing that neither one of them knew, when a voice came up through the crystalline halls outside.

“Twalight?” called Applejack’s voice.

“Oh, darn it! Forgot to lock the door again! UP HERE!”

There was a sound of hoofsteps on the tile outside, and eventually Applejack appeared in the doorway. “Twalight, I was wondering where- -” she looked at the floor. “Uh, Twalight, what is this?”

“A dimensional shift pentagram.”

“You tryin to make some kind ah unholy bargain or something?”

“No, of course not,” said Twilight, smiling. “I already did that! How do you think I got these- -argh! Hold on!” She turned and munched at one of her wings for several seconds. Down poured down all over Spike. Twilight eventually pulled out several purple feathers and spat them to Spike as well. “Here, put these in the quill pile. I am saving SO much money!”

“Yeah, right,” said Spike, holding the grape-scented shed feathers as far away from his face as possible as he walked over to one of the many piles where they were stored.

“I don’t think that bargin was unholy,” said Applejack.

“Of course it was,” said Twilight, still smiling. “I’m the Princess of Friendship, after all, AND immortal. So I have enough power to turn a city into dust, but I do have to watch all you guys die, one by one, until I go insane and live in a pyramid and wear a radiation suit all the time or something…”

“Well, um…that was dark. And oddly specific.”

“So,” said Twilight, carefully stepping over the lines of the pentagram. “Why did you break into my house today?”

“Have you not been paying attention?” said Applejack, somewhat angrily. “We have a bit of a crisis on our hooves, in case you haven’t noticed!”

“Oh, I haven’t. I don’t go outside much. Or interfere with Equestria’s problems if I can send somepony else to do it for me.”

“Wow,” said Applejack. “You really are turning into a princess.”

“That reminds me…SPIKE! Take a note: we need to install an ivory tower onto this castle! Pure ivory, too! Not that fake stuff!”

“Like, from elephants?”

“Eew, no! I mean from ivy!”

“Ivy ivory?”

“Less talkie more notie!”

“Fine, fine,” said Spike, grumbling as he took out a roll of paper and a violet quill, adding Twilight’s request to a long line of things that she would quickly forget about and he would not actually have to do.

“Well, in case you haven’t noticed, Rarity got beaten but the town…well, you know?”

“A well? Rarity got beaten by a well? How did she manage that one?”

“No, not the well! By a- -”

“By a rent-a-plot mare,” said Rainbow Dash, now entering room behind Applejack.

“By my own plot,” swore Twilight. “I mean, come on! At least knock! If you had walked in five minutes ago, you would have seen something REALLY embarrassing.”

“Um, what?” asked Rainbow Dash. “Because sometimes, I get a hoofull of jelly and think about the Wonderbolts while I- -”

“I do NOT want to know!” cried Applejack.

“- -make a sandwich. Celestia, Applejack, what did you think…ohhhh…”

“Is anypony else going to break into my house in the middle of the night?” asked Twilight.

“It’s like nine in the morning,” said Pinkie Pie, who was standing inches to the left of Twilight.

“Gah! Pinkie!” cried Twilight.

“Pinkie!” exclaimed Applejack. “I thought you were in the hospital!”

“I was. But the food was TERRIBLE. Both on the way in and out. So I left.”

“Anypony ELSE?” cried Twilight, now visibly rustled.

“And Fluttershy was behind me,” said Rainbow Dash.

“Wait!” called a soft voice from the hall, one clearly out of breath. They all waited for a long time, hearing the slow whoosh of wings Fluttershy came into the room very, very slowly.

As she landed, all the ponies looked at her at once.

“Um, Fluttershy,” said Applejack. “Now, I don’t mean to criticize…but…”

“What the HAY are you wearing?” said Rainbow Dash.

Fluttershy looked down at the tight-fitting latex blouse, fishnet stockings, and boots she was wearing. “Oh. Toaster left them at my house, and I figured it would fit so…” she looked down at the pentagram on the floor, and then up at Twilight. “Why are you trying to call my mom, Twilight?” she said, coldly.

“That’s exactly what I came up here to talk to you about!” said Applejack.

“And I came because Applejack came!” said Rainbow Dash. Then, smiling mischievously. “Apparently, with the help of a hoofful of jelly…”

“I always use frosting,” said Pinkie Pie. “Or, if I’m feeling really special, I make my Pie alamode.”

Fluttershy’s wings visibly extended, and Applejack tried to regain control over the situation.

“What I was saying was that that darn dirty…mare of the night…beat Rarity like a drum yesterday!”

“Oh,” said Twilight. “That’s terrible!”

“You’re darn tootin! Just walked up to our friend and started beating her!”

“Yeah!” said Rainbow Dash. “For no reason at all! So we kicked the snot out of her!”

“Wait, what?” said Fluttershy, suddenly wide-eyed. “You mean you hurt Toaster?”

“Uh, yeah!” said Rainbow Dash. “She was trying to murdalize Rarity!”

“Did you at least TRY to talk to her?” asked Fluttershy. “She’s not that kind of pony- -she was probably just scared! She’s going through a lot of stuff right now!”

“And how would you know that?” demanded Applejack.

“Because I…hmm nfmf n,” she trailed off into a mumble.

“What was that?” asked Twilight.

“I…fnf fflf f…”

“What?” asked Pinkie Pie.

“I paid her to give me a tongue job!” screamed Fluttershy. Every pony suddenly fell silent.

“See,” said Pinkie Pie after several minutes. “The theft of waifus! That harlot seduced our innocent, virginal Fluttershy!”

“I didn’t say I was a virgin,” said Fluttershy. “And we didn’t actually do anything! I just talked to her. She seemed nice. Are you sure it was her who hurt Rarity? I just can’t see her doing it…”

“Oh, she did,” said Applejack. “Almost offed our friend!”

“I find that weird,” said Twilight.

“Why?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“Well, I haven’t really been paying attention to what happens in Ponyville- -because I don’t care- -but why would a prostitute have magic any more powerful than a fashion designer? I mean, Rarity is basically a marshmallow, but it still should have been a pretty even fight.”

“That is kind of weird,” said Rainbow Dash.

“Whose side are you on, anyway?” said Applejack, harshly.

“Now wait a minute,” said Pinkie Pie, stepping forward. “Not one of you needs to worry.”

“Uh, yeah we do,” said Rainbow Dash. “What if that crazymare attacks somepony else, and I’m not there to give her the old Dashie smackdown?”

“It won’t be a problem,” said Pinkie. “From what I’ve heard, a heroic band of ponies got together and gave that harlot her just desserts.”

“Desserts?” said Rainbow Dash. “So she beats Rarity and gets dessert? If I knew you could do that, I would have smacked her around a little bit myself a LONG time ago!”

“No, you wouldn’t have,” said Fluttershy.

“It means that we- -they. They. Got together and beat the harlot out of that dirty, disease-ridden mare. Even hit her a few times with the ol’ ugly stick. She won’t be bothering us anymore.”

“You mean somepony beat her?” said Applejack, looking disgusting.

Pinkie Pie was surprised by Applejack’s reaction. “Yeah. You know, with sticks. Left her hanging upside down from a tree in the center of town.”

“That’s actually what I came to tell you,” said Fluttershy. “I didn’t know somepony did that to poor Toaster, but that must be what set off the panic in town.”

“Panic?”

“Oh yes. Everypony is suddenly afraid that there is some sort of violent serial-beater out there, lurking in dark alleys, just waiting to get them next. There wasn’t even school today, because so many parents were afraid to let their little fillies and colts go outside!”

“That’s not…”

“It’s DISGUSTING!” said Applejack.

“But I thought you liked vigilante justice- -”

“Why? Because of my accent? No! I believe in rule of law- -I was going to ask that she be arrested and thrown in jail, but the- -just the idea of stringing up a pony by her feet and a whole group taking turns on her, it’s just- -”

“Horrible,” said Fluttershy.

“Yeah,” said Rainbow Dash. “That even makes me a little sick. I mean, it’s just not a fair fight. And who knows…maybe Rarity said something to set her off?”

“Rarity can do that to a pony.”

“But the harlot!” cried Pinkie Pie. “You all know she deserved it! Revenge for all the stallions’ souls she ruined!”

“Toaster’s a virgin,” said Fluttershy.

They all looked at her. “How do you know?” asked Twilight.

“Because I can smell the difference.”

“It’s true,” said Rainbow Dash. “You should have seen back when we were teenagers. It was really weird and really, really funny.”

“But- -that doesn’t make any sense!” cried Pinkie Pie. “How can she be- -if she’s- -oh, my head- -”

Pinkie Pie collapsed to the floor, and Twilight swooped in to catch her.

“Pinke! Don’t die in the pentagram! It’s not rated for that!”

“Are you okay?” said Fluttershy, rushing to Pinkie’s side.

“Yeah,” coughed Pinkie. “I did just take like, eight times the LD50 of concentrated blue yesterday…”

“And I can’t help but think that that Toaster had something to do with that too!” said Applejack. “Twalight, we really need to do something about her! Beating is crossing a line, but she’s messin up the whole town!”

“Because she’s a harlot,” said Pinkie Pie, “but…how can she be a harlot if…but she has to be…”

“Pinkie, you’re gonna blow a fuse or something,” said Rainbow Dash. “I think all that cake is giving you hypertension or something.”

“I need to go,” said Pinkie. She pushed past Twilight and out the door.

The others watched her go, and then turned back to Twilight.

“Well?” said Applejack, turning back to Twilight. “What do you think we should do about our little problem?”

Twilight paused for a moment, considering. “Hmm…I don’t know if this is something we should really intervene in.”

“She beat Rarity!” cried Rainbow Dash.

“In unicorn culture, I believe that would be called a ‘wizard battle’,” noted Twilight, aware that wizard battles were usually between to actual wizards instead of between to ponies with only a mundane grasp of magic’s capacity. “But it’s their problem. I mean, hopefully they can work it out.”

“And if she tries to hurt Rarity again?”

“Then we throw her in jail. If he have a jail. Spike, did you dig the dungeon yet?”

“No,” said Spike.

“Get on that. And don’t forget the rack!”

“I think Fluttershy can help you with that,” suggested Rainbow Dash. “She already has quite a rack herself!”

Fluttershy reddened.

“A big problem, though, is that we, uh…how to put this…kind of don’t have any guards.”

“That’s weird,” said Applejack. “I mean, you would think this place would be crawling with them.”

“I wrote out a recommendation list and put it on your desk!” said Rainbow Dash.

“No, you left it on the stove,” said Twilight. “I’m lucky this place is made out of largely inflammable crystal. But I did read the ashes. Every name on there was a griffon.”

“I like griffons,” said Rainbow Dash, shrugging.

“What about that Flash Sentry?” asked Fluttershy. “He seemed nice.”

“Yeah, I considered him. Except when I did, I got so many complaint letters that bringing them in nearly killed Derpy.”

“So you just want us to wait around and wait ‘till she strikes again?”

“No. Rarity’s our friend. So we watch out for her. Spike already does that, actually.”

“And I’m going to try to find Toaster,” said Fluttershy. “I don’t think it’s fair if we don’t at least try to ask her what happened.”

“I guess I’ll look for the ponies that beat her up,” said Rainbow Dash. “You know, before they beat up another pony. Just as soon as I finish my morning nap…and my afternoon nap…and my evening nap…and my nighttime nap.”

“Don’t you just mean your regular sleep?” asked Applejack.

Rainbow Dash chuckled. “You sure don’t know how naps work, do you, AJ?”

“And I’ll stay up here and not be helpful,” said Twilight.

“Yeah, I figured that much,” sighed Applejack.