Twilight and the Spartan Stallion
Part 3: Oil and Scraper

The howling, shrieking, screaming wave of ash-grey stallions slammed into the golden wall of Spartan Stallions. Their muscles coiled as the Lunar Stallions beat and clawed and gnashed their metallic teeth, trying desperately to get over the shield wall and to the soldiers beyond. The waiting phalanx held strong, for every stallion pressed against his fellows only supported the wall with his own weight. “STAL-YUHHNNNS!” Spartan Shield roared, grunting in pain with a stray set of teeth found its way between shields and sank into his shoulder. He head-butted the offending beast mercilessly, then caved his skull in with a single stomp of a mighty hoof. “PUSH!”

As one, the waiting group of Spartan Stallion rushed their shoulders against their shields. Their impossible strength sent a shockwave through their defenses to the enemies beyond. The recoil pushed the monsters back a foot or two, and suddenly the shields parted! Before anypony could do anything else, a hailstorm of thrusting spears slammed out of the phalanx, killing a long row of Lunar Stallions. The monsters screee-ed like dying cockroaches, bits of their armor blasting off in tiny bloody shards. Spartan Shield was reminded of a colony of ants, not for the first time. So thin was their armor before the might of their thrusting spears! As the beasts pitched over dead, a new wave of blackness ran over their comrades to kill the shining wall of Canterlot’s last hope. Clang! The long row of shields reappeared, and the phalanx closed again. Screaming, thrashing, gnashing their teeth the Lunar Stallions threw themselves at the golden wall like the tide over rock. Standing atop their dead comrades, they tried to overtake them, biting and flailing their hooves wildly.

“PUSH!” Spartan Shield roared again. Bash! The motion was repeated, and another long line of Lunar Stallions fell, gutted by the long and bloodied spears of the Spartan Stallions. Screee! Trampled beneath their guilded, golden hooves, many a lunar pony met his end to the perfect formation of their solar counterparts. There was a long parting between the forces as they pushed outward from the narrow corridor of the canyon. “Stand together!” roared their leader, setting his spear on the notch of his shield as more of the enemy came.

It was as though time were slowing. He could see every detail, every flapping mane, every drop of spittle and dirt and blood flying through the air. It would speed back up for the glorious thrust of his spear, or the bone-shattering thrust of his back hooves. The wild and terrible dance of death boiled out into the little courtyard at the canyon’s mouth, and the Spartan Stallions mowed over their crazed enemies like lancers. Quick and practiced, they regrouped shoulder to shoulder and backed into the canyon’s entrance as more Lunar Stallions rushed forward to get at them. A pair of the good soldiers had fallen in the first four waves. They would be remembered as brave warriors by all.

High above in the sky, Spartan Shield saw the clouds parting and reforming wildly. Concussions of impact were playing out like cracks of thunder. He could see two figures, one gold and one black, smashing into each other over and over in a grand display of aerial combat. The Princess and the Beast were fighting on the wing while their armies fought on the ground, and it was glorious. Their silhouettes passed over the moon, revealing their rippling muscles and grimacing faces. They locked shoulders with their front hooves, horns alight in a freakish sort of horn-fencing. Bolts of raw magic arced back and forth. Kicking their back hooves and spattering each other’s soft underbellies with blows they parted, only to crash into each other again with another explosion of thunderous impact.

Spartan Shield couldn’t watch them for long, for more Lunar Stallions were rushing towards them. Their seemingly endless numbers were eager to break themselves upon the phalanx. He grinned wryly. Let them come. He set his spear and adjusted his shield, roaring like a glorious lion. His fellows joined him, and the battle for Equestria continued on the ground while the Royal Sisters clashed in the night sky.

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1,002 Years Later….
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Spartan Shield looked down over the countryside as he and Twilight rode in the flying chariot bound for Ponyville. Twilight Sparkle had been right. There was no longer a canyon outside of Canterlot, but green and beautiful rolling hills. Ponds dotted the countryside, filled with ducks and surrounded by bountiful fruit trees. Gone was the flat, featureless, rocky terrain he’d known. Before, that was how Canterlot was defended. They would see you coming a mile away, fill the canyon and cliffs with soldiers, and then dig in while you crashed against them in the narrow corridor. Only flying enemies ever had a chance, and there were archers and ballistae to deal with that. But no, now Canterlot was looking out over the greenest, most lush land Spartan Shield had ever seen. “How is Canterlot defended with such poorly molded terrain, Twilight Sparkle?” he asked her gruffly, pointing to a family of deer that were wandering in an open field. “Even a group of shock troops could wander right up to the city walls before they were stopped! So much forest and cover, the city could be taken.”

“Defend Canterlot from what?” Twilight asked him with a small smile. “Equestria doesn’t have any enemies.”

“No enemies?” he scoffed. “Every nation has enemies!”

“Not Equestria. Not for the past thousand years.” Twilight said stubbornly. He scowled at her, but continued to study the landscape with interest. He’d never seen so many fruit bearing trees and other luxury resources in his life. Clearly the reshaping of the countryside had shifted for a larger population. With denser farm land like what he was seeing, surely this ‘Ponyville’ was a vast metropolis.

“There it is!” Twilight pointed happily. “Ponyville!”

Spartan Shield reared up in the chariot so he could look down. Why, it was just a normal-looking village! Straw-roof houses, a marketplace, several streets lined up in a grid-like fashion. Ah good, at least there was somepony sensible enough to build towns using grids, as in his time. He winced at the thought of ‘his time’, remembering how far removed from it he was. “Her Shining Immortal Majesty wishes me to study your strange culture, mage. What will we do first?” he wanted to know.

“Well first I think you need a bath.” Twilight smirked at him. “I don’t know if you noticed, but your fur is matted and you smell like stallion sweat.” She waved her hoof a little, and he scowled at her.

“As opposed to smelling like flowers and fresh cut grass?” he growled from inside his helm. Twilight shrugged, smiling as the chariot made its descent into a wide street. They landed smoothly, and the purple mare thanked the two white and armored pegasi. Reaching into her purse, she gave them a nice tip for their speedy travel, and they soon took off again to head back to Canterlot. Finally, the gruff stallion relented. “Very well then. A bathhouse it is. The Princess bade me to experience New Equestrian culture, so I shall!” Walking with his spear in one hoof and his shield on his back, he started down the street. Twilight followed quickly after him, trying to keep up. He was so… forward! Were all military stallions like this? She’d have to ask Shining Armor sometime. Surely not.

Ponies made way for the strange Spartan Shield. He wore strange, periodic armor that might be mistaken for a Nightmare Night costume, except it was scuffed and dented with use. And his spear definitely looked real, too. His head snapped back and forth, reminding Twilight Sparkle very much of an eagle or other predatory bird. His powerful eyes took things in. “Ponyville’s been here for about eighty years or so.” Twilight said conversationally. “It was started by the Apple Family. They own a farm off the edge of town, that way. It’s an orchard.” She said. They passed a few landmarks. She pointed out town hall, the post office, Sugar Cube Corner, the park, and so on. “So what do you think?” she asked happily, prancing along.

“Wood with straw roofs. This could burn down very easily.” He gave his honest opinion. "One madpony with a torch could destroy the entire town." The Spartan Stallion gestured nonchalantly. Twilight face-hoofed with a moan.

“Oooooh, Twilight who’s your friend here?” Pinkie Pie had appeared from nowhere, pressing her face rudely up against Spartan Shield’s faceplate. He recoiled, startled. She eyed him up and down, admiring his armor. “He’s shiny! Shiny Stallion!”

“Pinkie, ehh,” Twilight winced when Spartan waved Pinkie Pie off roughly. “Pinkie Pie, this is my new friend Spartan Shield. He’s new around here and--!”

Pinkie Pie had vanished, then reappeared with her head sticking out of Spartan Shield’s breastplate. “He’s huuuu-uge! Just look'it all these muscles Twilight!” The warrior panicked. How had she gotten into his armor?! Rather comically he flopped hard onto his belly, trying to crush her. Pinkie’s head sucked back into his chest plate and he hit the ground with a grunt. Suddenly she popped out from behind his crimson cape-scarf, examining it with curious hooves. “Oooh, what’s this? It’s late summer, you don’t need a scarf silly!” Spartan Shield roared defiantly and flipped about, barrel-rolling and trying to tackle her. Pinkie zoomed out of sight, then popped out atop of his head, wearing his helm.

Twilight startled a little, for his face was rugged and virile. It just then occurred to her that she hadn’t seen his face up until that moment. He wasn’t bad looking, aside from the thin line of a scar over one of his eyes. But that just gave his face personality, really. It was handsome. She cocked her head curiously.

“Away to me, demonic harlequin!” Spartan Shield flailed wildly, all his militaristic stoicism completely gone. "Curse me not with your antics!” He made another grab for the pink mare, but she leaped gracefully away and he was struck with his own helm. Clank! Shaking his head blearily, he restored his vision and slammed his helm back onto his head. Wresting his spear and shield into his hooves, he turned around and around in circles like a puppy chasing its own tail. Pinkie Pie was gone.

“He’s pretty tense, Twilight. Maybe take him to the spa hot springs, to calm down?” Pinkie Pie was standing nonchalantly next to the purple mare now. They watched the warrior turn this way and that, trying to locate his missing tormentor. Twilight startled, lifting a hoof and leaning away from her. How did she always manage to do that?

Suddenly Spartan Shield spotted the crazy pink pony and launched his spear as hard as he could. Pinkie Pie ducked just in time, for the spear clipped off a few locks of her frizzy mane--- then went through a window into a flower shop. There was a terrified scream inside, and a crash. Twilight panicked, rushing and pushing the door open. The shop owner was pressed up against the wall, the spear just above her head and a crate of seeds shattered all over the floor. “Are you okay?!” Twilight rushed in. “I’m so sorry! He doesn’t know any better!” She magicked the seeds back into their packages, fixed the window as best she could and retrieved the spear. When she was certain the shop owner was okay, she rushed back outside to find Spartan Shield peering around angrily. “You could’ve killed somepony!” she shrieked.

Spartan Shield was on the ground on his belly, panting and sweating, looking around feverishly. A little line of spittle escaped him. The ‘pink demon’ had worked him into a wild frenzy, then disappeared. “Did you see where she went?! I think she can teleport!” Spartan Shield cried, turning his round shield back and forth to block any oncoming bubblegum-pink mares. Twilight growled and whacked him on the head with his own spear before dropping it at his hooves.

“That’s Pinkie Pie! She does that to every new pony that comes to town!” Twilight shouted, trying to get his full attention. The warrior stopped to stare at her, his helm ringing. “If you would calm down we could get where we’re going without hurting anypony!”

There was a long, awkward silence. Pinkie Pie really was gone this time. He heaved a few long breaths, turning this way and that. When he was sure she had gone away, he relaxed and replaced his shield on his back. Twilight tried not to blush at all the staring ponies up and down the sidewalk as he bent to reclaim his spear. “Let’s go, before the demon returns, Solar Mage Twilight.” He said in all seriousness, peering around.

“Ugh, yes, let’s.” Twilight face-hoofed again. This was going to be harder than she thought it was going to be. Finally, the pair of them arrived at the Ponyville spa. Though it was frequented by mares 99% of the time, the occasional stallion kept the staff on their hooves about serving both genders. Surely a nice hot bath would help soothe the warrior’s tension, like Pinkie had said? Maybe if she could get him to calm down, he wouldn’t wig the buck out every time he saw something new. Taking deep breaths and silently counting for a bit, Twilight forced up a new smile.

“These must be the baths.” Spartan Shield sauntered in like he owned the place, his eyes flicking up when the opening door rang a little bell. “Hrmph.” He said, squaring his shoulders. Twilight came in behind him, peering about a little shyly. “You there, servant!” he pointed to a young mare behind the front counter. She yelped and jumped back when he slammed his shield and spear onto the desk. “I shall require a hot bath, oil, and scrapers.” He told her. She stared at the weapons that had just crushed her rollidex and ledger, gulping.

“Uh-h-h, s-sure?” she asked softly. Spartan Shield peered up at the sign hanging from the ceiling. Counting out the proper number of coins, he set a stack atop his shield. She took them, and made to put them in the cash register, but stopped. What were these? She peered at them. There was a bust of Celestia on one side, wearing leafy laurels… and Luna on the other side, holding an abacus and crescent moon in her hooves. This wasn’t money… bits had the economic genius Penny Pincher on one side, and the Canterlot Palace on the other. In Pinchy we trust, and such. The mare opened her mouth to protest, but Twilight Sparkle rushed forward.

“Uh-huhm, let me, Spartan, I’ll take care of it all.” Twilight conjured her bits purse, paying the proper amount for two. “Do you guys have… uh… what did you say a moment ago? Bath and…?”

“Oil and scraper.” Spartan Shield said again, peering down at himself with a cocked eyebrow. “I have been in battle recently, I shall need plenty.” The mare behind the counter didn’t know what to make of him for a long, blinking moment. “What?” he asked her harshly, leaning forward with a coil of his muscles. She shrank back.

“Leeeet's find a bath first. You'll do better when you look and feel your best.” Twilight said with a nervous laugh. She only prayed she wouldn’t have to introduce the stallion to soap. Surely that had soap a thousand years ago?

“Very well.” Spartan Shield followed Twilight, leaving the poor mare behind the counter with a deadly spear and a dented shield on her desk.

“Hey! Hey! What am I supposed to do with these!?” she said, watching them go. Twilight pretended not to hear for her sanity’s sake, and Spartan Shield ignored her entirely. The small gathering of ponies in the waiting room stared at her, and when she looked at them they quickly rushed their faces behind their old magazines again. Looking helplessly back and forth, she took the spear and put it behind the desk. The shield was another story. She heaved at it, “Oh! Grygh?! Guh! Wh?! WHAHHH!” she fell backward with a resounding clang. She yipped, seeing stars and little birdies before she wrestled it off of herself. Yes. The floor was just fine. Right there was fine. As long as it wasn’t on her desk. She returned to her seat looking winded, trying to ignore the little giggles from her waiting customers.

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Spartan Shield emerged, nude, into the bathing area. He'd left an exotic pile of armor pieces in the locker room. His sand-colored fur was matted, his dark red mane a mess and the cutie mark of a… well, shield, that was on his flank looked a little dull. He peered around with a hawk’s gaze. Nopony around. Well, it was the middle of the day after all. Most ponies tended to bathe at the end of the day after their work was complete. Since he was on a mission of cultural significance, Twilight Sparkle was correct, he needed to look and feel his best if he was to make progress.

Going off to one side he took the spackle scraper, bucket and foal oil the spa staff had rummaged up for him out of a closet somewhere. He screwed the top off of the oil after some struggling, and took a sniff. It smelled fairly neutral. Not too strong or flowery. Shrugging, he turned it upside down and let the oil glug over himself. Seating himself on his haunches, he scrubbed. Oil was the best way to wash oneself. It sank into the fur, snagged debris, and left an excellent shine. Scrub-scrub-scrub. When he was oiled down he set the container aside and pulled the bucket-with-scraper close. Scraaaaaaape. Fling. He tossed the blob of oil into the bucket, dirtied from whatever had ingrained itself in his fur. Scraaaaaaaape. Fling. Working slowly and diligently, he made sure to apply plenty of pressure and get as much as he could. Before long his legs were done, along with his chest and belly. He couldn’t quite get all the way down his back, though, and struggled for a moment.

“Need some help?” Twilight piped from nearby, where she’d been watching with interest.

“Hwah!?” he turned and lanced the scraper at her like like a throwing dart! Twilight yelped as it bounced off of her face, and she held herself with a hoof. “Twilight! How dare thou come into the stallion’s bath?!” he said, flushed red and backing up. “Away with thou, lest you be molested by the next who arrives!” he made an angry 'shoo-shoo' motion at her.

Twilight moaned a little, rubbing at the little red mark that had appeared on her forehead. “The baths here are for both genders, Spartan.” She said painfully, walking indignantly past him with her soap and towel on her back.

“They are? But you would see one anoth…” he trailed off. Oh wait. Modern pony society had no concept of nudity. He scowled at nothing, seemingly at her, and she frowned back. “I shall wait until you are done, then.” He said, settling down and facing the wall with a frown.

“Get in, you silly thing.” Twilight splashed him animatedly. “The baths are huge. It’s not like it’s a tub and we’d be pressed together.” She winced and reddened in the face as soon as the words left her mouth. She sidled to the far side of the springs, pressed up against the far wall. “A-Anyway, we’re both adults here. Just get in and wash.” She told him.

Spartan Shield looked over his shoulder at her. Wellll…. She was already in the water, on the far side, and it wasn’t like he could see anything. In his time the baths were social, but separate. Greek and Roman Equestrian baths would be as big as pools. A hot one, a cold one, and a swimming one. All three were exclusive to gender, however. Setting his jaw and promising her Shining Immortal Majesty Celestia again to get with the times, he gave the bath an angry expression and clambered in. Sighing audibly, he sank in up to his neck to soak. This was not so bad. He stole a glance at Twilight while she scrubbed her mane, however, and quickly faced away. This was awkward, was what it was. Very awkward.

Twilight looked over at him, cocking her head. He must’ve felt pretty out of place, with all of these new cultural things going on for him. She took her shampoo bottle, floating it across the way to him. It poked him in the back, and he turned to see it. “Wash your mane with that, it’ll be fine.” She promised. He studied the bottle and, working with it for a bit, managed to flick it open. It smelled vaguely of mint leaves, but not too powerful. He’d been suspecting something flowery sweet, but neither time had it happened. Good. The mare smirked encouragingly at him as the stallion self-consciously turned about to wash himself while facing away from her. He was gruff and powerful, no doubt, but put him in a bath and he turned as shy as a teenaged, schoolyard colt. Heh!

End of Part 3