I wasn’t expecting a sack of books to be dropped on the desk at that moment. I mean, I was passed out with my face pushed into the scratched wood…

“Do you buy books?” a stallion said to me as I shook the sleep out of me. Good job watching the shop while your mother was out.

“Yes sir, but the prices really depend on the books you’re selling,” I said to him. Under the desk was a sheet for prices for bought book based on condition, hard or paperback and genre. I pulled it out as the stallion started piling books in front of me with his magic.

“Well, I have a couple trashy romances, a history of the Neighponese empire, two manuals both revolving around the salvaging and stripping of captured zebra equipment, and a Daring Do novel,” the stallion told me quickly like he had spent more than a few minutes practicing the list in his head.

“Give me a minute,” I told the stallion as I examined all the books. The romances would sell well… Some ponies loved cliqued romance. Not me though, not me at all!

The rest were in decent condition, and some history or military buffs would probably pay decently for them. “So, how did you get these?”

“I inherited them mostly, with the Neighponese book coming from a stallion that I helped by unlocking a strongbox for him. He enjoyed telling me about the martial prowess of the Neighponese gentry, and their magical blades. After I opened the lock he told me that I should read the book, ‘expand your mind,’ ‘they were the best blades ever made’, ‘most mares don’t appreciate my collection,’ and so on,” the unicorn stallion said with a laugh, his chestnut coat and facial tufts sticking out in my mind for some reason.

“Alright, I can give you thirty bits for the set,” I said to him with my best imitation of my mother’s bargaining face.

“Thirty-five, because I’m a friend,” he said with a chuckle.

“Thirty bits–you didn’t pay for them, you’re already making money…” I said to him, before unintentionally shrugging. He suddenly looked offended.

“I listened to that stallion prattle on for half an hour, that was emotional damage,” he said before starring at me intently. It might have just been my imagination, but I felt a bead of sweat start to pool on my forehead.

“I can’t-my mother needs to make some money off the top of these books.”

“That’s her business, what’s yours young buck? What do you want to do?”

“I’m an apprentice doctor,” I said back to him.

“That’s all, you just want to be a doctor? You don’t want mares or stallions, fountains of champagne?” I looked at him for a long moment, he seemed to be judging me.

“Pretty much, I really just want to help ponies. And being a doctor is a good way to do that,” I said to him.

“You want the best for all ponykind, is that right,” he asked me again.

“As much as anyone should,” I told him flatly.

“And you have humility in there, too. You remind me of someone I once knew,” he said, his smile dampening for a moment, before flaring up once again. “Alright, you master of the mercantile arts. Let me sweeten the deal, I can’t make any guarantees that you’ll be able to do anything with it but…” He pulled another smaller bag out of his jacket. It was a burlap sack like the other bag, but it only held one book judging by the outlines.

“If you add another book, the price I can offer should go up,” I said to him as he pulled the contents out and into the light. “Memory Orbs And You: A Helpful Guide To Your Perfect Self.” I said aloud. It was late in the day, and he was the only one in the store. “How to use orbs to remember all that you want to remember and all that you want to forget” was the subtitle. Then the stallion dropped a metal case that took up most of the bag on the table as well. With a click he popped it open. Inside were ten shining glass orbs, all sitting in a foam liner.

“I’ll give this to you for the low, low price of nothing. If you’ll sell me those books for forty bits,” the stallion said slyly. I looked at the orbs and the case before closing the case and pushing the book towards his side of the table. “Just imagine all the ponies you could help by taking their painful memories away, or just by viewing them yourself. Imagine the perspective you could gain in their lives…”

“There are only ten in the case, and I don’t even know if I could perform the spell?” He snorted.

“Alright, I’ll take the thirty bits for the books, and I’ll come back in a few days, if you can’t handle those spells, then I’ll take it back and you’ve got a good deal. If you have, then you owe me ten bits,” he said before pushing the books over to me.

“A-alright, but that still only leaves me with ten of these things.” I asked him as I counted out the bits we owed him.

“Well, if you can make heads or tails of that book, then I might know a mare who knows a mare’s uncle who can get you some more; besides, I made a bet with dear friend of mine, that I could get something done with these. Shake on it?” He offered his right forehoof. I took it and he moved his leg up and down for a few seconds. “By the way, my name is Low-Key, I provide unique solutions to sensitive problems. But, I really must go.” He said before picking up the offered bits, sticking them in his jacket pocket and trotting off, picking up a battered hat from the hat rack near the front.

I heard the door ding once. He was gone. That stallion was odd. I looked down at the book and the box of orbs.

“I’ll just read the introduction,” I said to myself, as I opened to the first actual page.

A few days later I was running the desk, Mildew was out doing something; I was to check people over, and to send people to another clinic if it was anything serious. I had already set a bone and diagnosed a case of iron deficiency that day, this wasn’t odd. I had been doing things like that for the last year. I ‘held the fort’ more and more these days. Mildew had been slowing down. He tried to hide it, but I was around the stallion too much for me to write it off as a passing ailment.

In my professional opinion (did I get to call it that yet?), he was suffering from degenerative arthritis. I kept the opinion private.

I had my nose buried in a text about bowel disorders when the bell rang. My head shot up, and I straightened my clothing on my body with a flash of pink telekinesis.

“I was expecting someone older,” a rigid mare said to me from the doorway, her yellow beret made me gasp.

“The doctor is out,” I said after a couple seconds of silence. I had a hard time keeping my eyes on hers. A Desert Ranger in my– in Mildew’s office. She trotted up to the front desk, her stride was long and steady, she moved without wasting any energy. She was a little smaller than most mares, but when she lifted her half of her body on the desk, she could easily look down at me with a sharp smile on her face. This small earth pony was giving me a grin that scared me and excited me in equal measure.

“What does that make you then? If you’re the sexy nurse, you’re missing the hat,” the ranger mare said to me, without a hint of restraint.

“Uh-uh-I’m the apprentice doctor. W-we d-don’t wear hats.” I stuttered out.

“Is that a personal preference or more of an institutional thing?” she said with flat curiosity written across her muzzle. She stared at me for a few seconds. “Nah, I’m just fucking with you!”

“Ha, ha,” I choked out feeling blood rushing to my cheeks. Pink fur please be useful at least once.

“So, I was hoping to talk to Doc Mildew, it’s been awhile since I’ve seen the old fart,” she laughed a little before continuing. “If he’s hungover and hiding from the sunlight back there just tell him that Bajada is there to see his decrepit ass.”

“He’s really just at home, he left early. He said that he wasn’t feeling good” I said the mare.

“Well, shit. Guess I’ll get that physical I told the others that I was actually gonna get. I was looking forward to sharing a drink with him back there and catching up.” She said with a sigh.

“I don’t have any visits scheduled, and I can do a basic physical.” I said to her with a nervous smile.

“Don’t sound too excited!” She said before winking at me and flicking her tail as she walked behind the desk and into the office itself.

Okay, there’s a flirty, attractive, mare that you’re going to examine. Just keep it together! I walked in behind her, trying to not stare at her rump. Keep it professional.

We entered the room and she dropped herself onto the patient table. She sat lay down, spreading her forehooves out in front of her. Like a sphinx. Her sandy coat and dark blue mane made the impression fit, even as she stared at me trotting to my desk. Mildew’s desk-

“So, isn’t this where you ask some invasive questions, but it’s okay because you know how veins work or some shit?”

“T-typically.” I said while picking up the stethoscope while trying to bring to mind the normal battery of ‘invasive’ questions. “First, do you have any concerns, questions things like that?”

“Doctor, when I go wee wee it comes out red.” She said to me with eyes wide open. “Nah, I’m healthy as a horse. So, seriously, ask me a fun one?”

“Do you smoke?” I asked.

“Only imported cigars… No, I’m not cool enough to smoke!” She said with a laugh. Her cheeks dimpled when she laughed, and her hazel eyes lit up. Okay, she’s pretty. Really pretty.

“Good, so how much do you drink?” I asked her, if she wasn’t so attractive I’d be annoyed. Which really annoyed me more.

“I binge when socially appropriate. When that’s not going down I like to share a bottle of wine with a cute mare or stallion. And sometimes, though this is pretty rare, I down a bottle whatever is on hoof, alone, and cry.” She faked a quick crying spell. It wasn’t convincing.

“On to exercise: how much physical activity do you do on a weekly basis?” I made sure to note on the form that there she had a really cavalier attitude about the entire thing. Maybe the next psych evaluation would be even more fun for her. “Be serious this time, or I’ll make sure that the stethoscope is extra cold.”

“Welp, he brought out the big guns, better play it straight. Really, in the rangers we run about three miles a day. On a slow one when we’re awaiting deployment. Not to toot my own horn, but, I usually run ten or eleven.”

“Alright, time for the heartbeat check,” I said to her trotting up to her with the sensitive end of the stethoscope being held up by my magic.

“You didn’t ask about my sexual health, how many partners, do I swallow, normal questions.” She said in a critical tone with her head slightly tilted and a frown on her face. I stuttered and got flushed before rolling my eyes at her.

“Y-you can get an STI check with another physician,” I croaked out. Just before I pressed the cold metal end of the device against her chest. She yelped.

“Jerk,” she said before trying to stare a hole in my head. Baja didn’t like to lose anything, I could guess that from the look on her face.

“Come on, it isn’t like you haven’t seen them before right?” Baja said as she opened her hind legs in front of me. “I mean, you have textbooks right?”

“I’ve not really com-” I started saying before she spread herself open with her hooves. Everything looked good…

“I hope that means everything down there is alright, and not that you’re staring.” She said with a chuckle.

“No, I mean yes. I mean, I’m just observing your genitals.” I said with the initial nervousness I had felt returning in full force. I needed a drink to deal with this mare. And she needed about five. No, oh, just thought of sexing her. I really didn’t need to feel a tingle from my sheath. This isn’t the right time body!

Several minutes passed as I watched her and checked boxes that signified her as healthy. She mostly complied with a little bit of flourishes with her tail and hips, but right around the end…

“After this is over, do you wanna get a drink or something, I mean you’ve already seen the goods… and I haven’t seen anything other than some extra blood in your face from it,” she asked just before I told her I was done.

“Uh, you passed,” I told her without looking her in the eyes.

“C’mon, you can tell your friends that you went out with a Ranger,” She said before picking herself off the table and standing beside me as I finished checking all the right boxes. What friends. Who has time for friends. Maybe my mother would like me meeting somepony. I shook my head and felt my mouth turn to sand.

“I-I’m free tomorrow,” I told her. My heart rate had picked up a lot. I hoped it didn’t show.

“Stallions usually are. Eight at that little bar by the beach?” She was talking about a bar right next to the old naval yards, and the mostly reclaimed drydocks.

“Torpedo Juice, really?”

“C’mon, what stalliony stallion doesn’t like seeing a bunch of rusting metal? ‘Sides, what do think that torpedo fuel will do a little mare like me?” She asked with little bit of sing song in her voice.

“Your body weight has to be lower, even adding in muscle mass… Oh,” I said before she locked eyes with me.

“Yeah, you need to get out more,” she said flatly before grabbing the completed form suspended in my magic and trotting out with a swing to her hips. Just before she closed the door she smirked at me and my ogling.

The sun was still in the sky when I got home that day. When I opened the door to the store, I saw my mom’s head poke up from behind the counter, with a slightly opened muzzle. I trotted in with my neck a little straighter than usual.

“You’re either home really early, or the street lights got a serious upgrade,” Mom said with a yawn.

“It’s the first one,” I said a little distractedly, as I got to the hoof of the stairs.

“You seem like you’re in a hurry, Rose?” She asked as she blinked herself awake.

“I-I’m going out to meet someone,” I said as I took off up the stairs. I dropped my bags on my bed and ran into the bathroom, before checking my watch. Seven O’ clock. No time to shower. Shit. I took a moment to look at myself in the mirror, my mane was messed up. Was it too long? Did I need to dye it? No, she wanted to meet you out there as is, the only difference was nixing the doctor's coat.

Now my mane was managed, mostly. I hopped out of the bathroom and right into mom. “Got your mane brushed, and time off. Who is this pony?”

“I ran into her at the market a couple of days ago,” I told her quickly.

“Oh, that’s nice, what’s her name? What does she do?” She asked with a grin spreading across her face.

“Bajada, she does work out in the outposts. She’s here for a while though, so she asked if I wanted to get dinner,” I spurted out, before looking down at my left foreleg, and the tarnished watch strapped to it.

“Well, you could have had her come here. I make a mean turnip casserole, as you know.” she lowered herself conspicuously.

“I know, I just wanted to meet on, neutral ground. Maybe next time, Mom,” I said with a cringe. She was going to guilt trip me every time she could into bringing Bajada here. If she even wanted to have anything to do with me in the first place, nevermind the second. I shook my head and looked at Page. “I’ve got to go.” I said while pushing myself through the narrow space between her and the doorway.

“Don’t do anything that you don’t want to! And keep your drink covered!” She yelled to me as I practically slide down the stairs.

“I’m not a foal, just, I’ll be fine.” I said as I ran out the door, hearing the bell ding just as the door shut behind me.

I didn’t like all the eyes on me. As I sat at the bar, I kept my eyes on the liquor and the battered hardwood under my forehooves. My little bag of bits hung from my neck. I had half a pint of the house stout in front of me, the other half was sitting in my stomach. Probably should have eaten something bigger than a slice of bread and lettuce. Nah, I could look ponies in the eyes when I had a few in me.

“Ahh,” I yelped as I felt a hoof on my shoulder, my head swung over to the pony-

“You started without me, that’s not very chivalrous,” Bajada said before calling the bar pony over.

“I-I wasn’t sure that you would show up,” I answered as she locked her eyes on shelf in front of her. As the bartender walked over I took a look at the room, half the stallions and lot of the mares had their eyes on her. The small mare had worn her Ranger coat, chevrons and all. A few of them caught my eyes and shot me dirty looks. I turned around real fast.

“Yeah, double straight,” She told the stallion as he dumped whisky into her glass.

“Have you eaten today?” I asked her as she picked up the glass.

“Yeah, lettuce and egg sandwich, ate one for lunch,” she finished just before downing the shot and banging the glass on the counter. “Another!” She yelled at the bar pony.

“So, the weather’s nice,” I said. She watched the bar pony intently as he poured.

“Not too many sandstorms around here,” she said before downing the shot. “So, you wanna go out and eat?”

“If you want to?” My eyes latched onto the mare in front of me, she blew a breath of drink infused air towards me.

“I do,” She said before looking at the bar pony and dropping a silver piece on the counter. “That’s for me and him,” she then looked at the quarter full mug in front of me. I took the hint and downed it quickly. I looked at her for a moment as she watched me.

“What-” I said before a plume of hoppy air forced itself out of my muzzle.

“So, you just go there to ‘pregame’?” I asked her as we were sitting down in a little restaurant nearby. In front of me was another mug of ale, in front of her was a glass of red wine.

“I just like walking in like I own the place, I mean, if I’m not starting a fight in there that night, the owner loves me,” she said slyly before shoving a bit of salad into her mouth. Why anyone would want a dairy based dressing, I just, didn’t understand.

“R-right,” I said before taking a big bite.

“So, what do you do when you’re not telling ponies to stop being fat and shit?” She said leaning back and putting her forelegs behind her head.

She stared at me as I took a moment to chew and swallow, looking down at my plate mostly. “Sometimes I run my mother’s shop when she’s away,” I told her quietly.

“Oh, C’mon you can’t be this boring, I know your type, you’ve always got something interesting deep down.” She said with a laugh and a snort. She was right, I was a boring stallion, I lived with a parent, and basically read in all of my free time. Then again, I had picked up that one book recently…

“I mean, I came across a book of spells a week ago.” I told her while keeping my eyes on hers for once.

“Oh really, what spells were they? I almost forgot you were a horn head.”

“Memory spells,” I said quietly before eating another bite of food, I watched her eyes widen.

“How the fuck did you get that? That’s primo-illegal shit!” She said before covering her own muzzle with a hoof before looking around at the mostly empty restaurant.

“I didn’t know that,” I yelled at her quietly, my voice going up an octave as my brain went into panic mode. “Some stallion just gave it to me as a trade,” I said as I took a turn to look frantically to see if anyone had heard me.

She leaned forward over the table and brought her muzzle near mine. I flushed at how close she had gotten, just before she put her muzzle near my ear. “I think we’re okay, but you wanna finish this food and go somewhere private?” I nodded just before she whispered a few more words. “I fucking knew it.” Just before she got back into her booth she left a quick kiss on my cheek.

Yep, now my brain was freaking the fuck out. Now my cheeks were more red rose than pink rose, and I wasn’t sure what she wanted to get me alone for. Did she just wanna warn me about the crime I didn’t know I was committing, or did she want a quick fuck from an awkward stallion. “I’ll pay,” I said before pulling out some coins and leaving them on the table.

“Forty percent, you really wanna sleep with me don’t ya?” She said with a smile, where I was starting to sweat bullets… she was already back to teasing me.

“No, I just can’t do math when I’m nervous.” I said before pushing myself out of the chair and trotting out.

When I hit the doorway I looked behind me, she was following me. I knew a block away was the city’s big park. I wasn’t familiar with it, but I remember that it was open at all hours. Remembered from back when I was in school. Lot’s of other ponies had spent time with each other there.

“Where do you wanna go, bad buck?” She asked me with a chuckle as she pulled up beside me. With a flourish she put her right foreleg over my shoulder and pulled herself more onto her hind legs before waving her other foreleg across my field of vision, seeming to point at everything out there. “The world is your oyster,” she said before I shook her off.

“Y-yeah, and you’re the irritating grain of sand,” I told her with my eyes aimed at the street. “So, the park?”

“You don’t wanna bring a tipsy mare back to your place?” Her eyes bored into mine, and she brought her muzzle near mine. I could smell the alcohol in her breath, that and the vinegar dressing.

“No, no, I just don’t want to bother with introductions tonight.” I told her before turning towards the park again. Just as I did this she ran around me and put herself right in front of me.

“C’mon, your roommate has to love me? Or is it you’re afraid of being close to me and a bed?” She asked me with her tail flicking back and forth behind her. I was just tall enough to see the curve of her rear from over her head. Damn.

“Baja, you’re a pretty mare. I don’t know what you see in me. But, I don’t want to mess things up by bringing you home tonight. Please, another time,” I told her before dipping my head and resting it on hers.

“Whatever you’re hiding can’t be that bad, I already know about the other thing. And I’d put money on you being a virgin...”

“I still live with my mother, alright. I don’t want to bring you home to her, I already lied to her about who you are. She doesn’t like soldiers,” I told her simply. My mouth had dried up. All I wanted to do was go home and forget that this mare ever talked to me, ever showed an iota of interest in me. Ever even existed. Now I waited for her to say I was pathetic, to leave a bitter memory. That didn’t happen. She just stood there for a moment, breathing deeply. Her soft mane didn’t move from under my chin.

“The park it is,” she said before pulling away from me. I stood there watching as she turned away, before looking back at me. “I’m gonna ask questions, you better give me the answers,” I nodded at her.

“So this fucker hasn’t shown up yet? He just gave you the book and that was it?”

She said as we walked the deserted park, the moon sat high in the sky watching us like a half-lidded eye. The park smelled earthy, cicadas and crickets chirped, and the hint of salt in the air made it feel like it always had.

“Why is this magic illegal, he told me I could use to help ponies.” My voice stayed low, hers got louder when she got excited. “Take away the memories that hurt them, give them a little bit of blank space for their brains to fill in with something else. I read about it before I even got the book. Confabulation. When your brain makes up some explanation of events, way off from what happened, because brains are really flexible.”

“I’ve heard stories about ponies that got their memories taken, they came out different. Wrong.” She shook her head, her eyes shut for a moment.

“And, when I cut out an appendix that’s swollen and about to fill a pony's chest cavity with bacteria that changes them too. They don’t die. A scalpel is a knife, only when it’s in the right hooves it can heal instead of hurt. If I thought I was going to hurt ponies I never would have picked it up.”

“That’s a lot of confidence, for you,” she said after a breathless second.

“I doubt just about everything, but I don’t think I’ll ever be a bad person. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt anyone, if there was any other choice,” I told her, my eyes opened widely. My chest filled with air, and my body was tingling with anger.

“You really don’t like the idea of hurting ponies, do you?” She asked with her eyes staring into mine. She looked tired.

“It makes me feel sick, I have respect for ponies that can fight for a cause, but, I…” My head shifted towards the cobblestone path we were walking on.

“Well, for what it’s worth, I think you’re being honest with me, not many stallions admit to not wanting to fight. Especially to a Desert Ranger.

“I’m not most stallions. I’m Rosetta, and I’ve learned to live as Rosetta. For better or for worse,” I told her slowly, the emotion and my energy draining out of me. Telling people how I feel has always exhausted me in a way that other things didn’t. Run a mile, I can do it, lift a box with Telekinesis… But, tell someone something I don’t think they want to hear? That will leave me feeling used up for days.

“Yeah, I’m Bajada, and I drink, and sometimes I shoot scorpions and bandits.”

“It’s better than drinking scorpions and shooting drinks,” I chuckled softly. My lips curled into a smile as I met her eyes again, this time, with something approaching familiarity. I felt less awkward around her now. Less uncomfortable, not comfortable.

“I tried that once. Had to have someone inject anti-venom into my ass.”

“I don’t believe you,” I said. She looked at me before pushing her muzzle into mine. After a moment, I opened my mouth and threw a leg around her neck hesitantly. She did the same in one practiced motion.

A few seconds later she pulled back and looked at me. “Don’t read too much into that, I don’t pretend to have a good grasp of what I’m feeling at any given time.”

“I don’t know how to respond to that,” I said to her, still holding her close.

“Neither do I,” she said before moving in to kiss me again. I turned my head and kissed her cheek. “Alright, you’re that kinda buck too…” I dropped my foreleg back to the ground. She did the same.

“I don’t know how to respond to this,” I said to her, my voice now flat. She chuckled. The kind of laugh you make when you’re worried someone’s going to ask a question you can’t answer. “I need time Baja. I don’t know if you have that time, or the patience. ”

“No one has time, not really. I don’t want anyone to be lonely-”

“I think I want you, I just don’t know if it’s anything more than a sexual attraction. I don’t just want to fuck you and pretend like I’m okay with it meaning nothing,” I said to her.

“I–okay, I’ll give you a couple days. If you still aren’t sure, then that’s that,” she told me with a shrug.

Maybe that was fine. Wasn’t I worth more than a few days? Was I being the weird one, the one that most people would give a body part to be in the place of? Then again, the idea of me rejecting sex early on would have been alien to me, except for the fact that I liked this mare.

“I’ll show you where I live,” I told her before leading her away.

“And that’s why you don’t try to fry a scorpion with kerosene,” she told me as we rounded the last corner. My home was just a few meters away. The stories she told me were insane, camel spiders, giant scorpions and a pack of camels that they had ran into out there.

“I never would have known that if you hadn’t have told me. They scream and run at you, because the water in their bodies boil and escape…”

“Like a teapot with a stinger, basically,” she told me before bumping me with a foreleg. “You look nervous, is this the place?”

“Y-yes. You can come by tomorrow, if you want. I’ll be home by seven,” I said before moving towards the door I had used so many times. “Or the day after that.” My voice shorted out as she moved up to me. I froze.

“I walked you home, c’mon, don’t you owe me a goodnight kiss or something cheesy like that?”

I looked at her for a moment, she was smirking at me. A second later her cheek was a wet, surprise written on her face, and I was running towards my door, opening it with my magic. “Good night!” I yelled before slamming the door behind me.

Okay, I still wanted to sleep with her, and the fact that she’d still be out there for a few seconds was eating at my will power.

No, I could wait. I wanted someone who loved me, and who I loved. If I had to wait… I could. I turned around and made my way towards the stairs.

I lay in bed for long time, waiting for my brain to stop spinning and my dick to shut up about a missed opportunity. In a dark room, it’s hard to tell how much time has passed. There are no markers, no changes other than the thoughts in your head and the rhythm of breath. In those moments, everything seems the same, nothing seems to pass. Time is change. When there is no change, there is no time.

She was right. I didn’t feel like I had time. Because other than superficial changes, the way things went from one month to the next was identical. Same routine.

It had been this way ever since I had left school. I had all the time in world, if you looked at the calendar, or the aging that went on within me. But… that meant nothing for fixing my problems.

Mom was spending time at a friends flat with Dally, and I was waiting for Bajada to knock on the door. Stir fry was my favourite, and well, if I could do anything it was getting good at exactly one thing.

I finished and plated two servings. Feeding ponies always helped me feel better.

My eyes hovered over the plates, the chunks of tempeh and the broccoli heads popped out of noodles. The little thin bits of carrot were mostly garnish, but a little bit orange gave the dish a contrast that it was otherwise lacking. Was I just her garnish, some pet project, something to keep her occupied.

I shook my head and put a glass of water to my lips. My breath was steady where the rest of me was shaking. I had spent the day at the clinic thinking of how this might play out. And what I wanted out of it. Mildew told me a long time ago, that ponies always had an angle. He didn’t believe in good intentions for anyone but family. Mildew didn’t think that that really counted, a child of yours or a mate would always be helping to carry on some part of you. You could help them out and it would be nothing more than helping yourself. Everything else was angled in some way…

I hadn’t believed him at the time. I stopped tossing and turning last night after I admitted to myself: he might be right.

Every interaction was just a way to get what you wanted. Every happy one was just both ponies using the other successfully. He believed it. Maybe he was right.

The knock on the door jolted me into swallowing what was in my mouth, before setting it down and rushing to the door. I stood in front of it for a second as I undid the deadbolt with a little telekinesis.

She swung the door open instantly and poured inside the door. Baja didn’t even seem to think about the hind leg kick that sealed the door behind her. I let my eyes drift to the neon sign that hung down from the rafters, it was dim. And the last bits of spring sun were peppering the floor underneath the single large window to the right of the door.

“Rosey, I think that book problem is worse than I imagined,” Bajada said to me before wrinkling her nose and shooting me a look of delight. “That actually smells good! Most stallions burn grilled cheese sandwiches and call that a meal.”

“Uhh, follow me,” I told her as I spun around and led her up the stairs.

“Cozy place, is it just you and your momma?” she asked me as we climbed the stairs.

“Yes, except my mom’s best friend lives with us.” My words ambled out, was she going to think that was weird?

“Cool, cool, so what did you cook me? I’m warning you in advance, I can eat a fuckload if I want to.” As we made our way into the kitchen she eyed the food before looking back at me. “That was an innuendo, if you were wondering.”

“G-good to know,” I forced out. Was it getting warm in here or was it just me?

She walked over to one of the plates and grabbed it with her mouth.

“Wearsh da table?” I pointed a hoof towards the dining room, which was even closer to my room. My bed.

“I-I would have picked it up for you,” I said as she laid hers on the table in front of her. My plate was suspended in front of me as I walked over to the table.

“I wanted to see if you actually cleaned your plates, being unicorns and all,” she said as she poked at one of the larger pieces of tempeh with a fork.

I sat down across from her and got a good sized chunk of broccoli on my fork.

“So, I’ve thought a lot today, and last night,” I said before throwing the food into my mouth.

"I don't know what you want out of me, but now I think what I want out of you," I told Baja. "I need a change of pace. Everything is the same. But, you telling me about your adventures is liberating. I like you for a lot of reasons," I rambled out.

“If you want to get of here... I can hook you up," she told me before swallowing a bunch of noodles. "Really, you're in a better position than most. You got a skill, and you don't seem to mind a little isolation.”

“What are you-”

“Out there on the frontier, there’s a little place called Copper Springs. They need a doctor bad, our medics have been doing the job for the time being, but if we have to move…” She shifted her body.

“I don’t even have my certificate yet, I’ve only been training for a year and a half now,” I think that my voice had desperation in it.

“From what you’ve told me and me finding you alone in the office that’s supposed to be ran by Mildew, I think you can pass the exam,” She said before chewing her tempeh. “This is fucking good, by the way.”

“So, pass the exam, get my certification and just leave for a while?” I asked her while biting the inside of my mouth.

“I’m not really an expert on the health care system, but that sounds right?” For a moment her fork stopped moving. Her mouth opened and she rubbed her chin with her other hoof. “Yeah, try that!”

“A-alright,” I said before taking a bite. “That’s a plan.”

I said before I watched her cheeks bulge out from all the noodles she had just stuffed inside her mouth. I basically did the same until the food was out of sight.

We were laying in my bed, crammed against one another, and I was looking at the ceiling. My dick was laying low after his performance, but I kinda wanted another go, the first one had been a little short. Then again, I had gone down on her without her asking, and I didn’t think she had faked her getting off. The taste was kinda weird, vagina and semen all mixed together. Maybe you were supposed to go down on her before you actually fucked?

“Rosey, I heard something a long time ago, and it’s been true every time it needed to be,” she said to me with some resignation in her voice.

“What is it?” I asked before laying a foreleg over her barrel and turning to the side, I was looking in her eyes again.

“No plan survives first contact with the enemy.”

“What do you mean?” I said with a yawn, okay I was a little tired after our fun.

“Why do you wanna leave? You don’t need to have a reason. That’d be fine. but I know you do.” Her voice was warmer than usual.

“I just feel trapped, I know that I’ll be practicing and helping ponies out soon, but, everything just wears me down. It’s always the same. Sometimes I might get a good story…”

“Oh, you’ve got the wandering in your bones. I know the type, I am the type. You can’t stand being in the same place, living the same exact days over and over.” She blew some air in my face.

“I think my dad had it too. He was a Ranger, he just disappeared before I was born. I think that’s why my mom always kept me close. Now though, I can’t fucking stand it. If I live here she’ll always be over my shoulder. Commenting on who I’m with or what I’m doing. I’ll always be second guessing if it’s my decision based on what I want, or if I’m just doing what my mom wants me to do. This thing with you, this whole idea of leaving, is it just me telling her to fuck off?” Somehow I had started crying. “Is everything I fucking do a response to her feelings? What she told me to do?” I had closed my eyes. On my shoulder I could feel a foreleg rest there and a gentle nudge of her cheek on mine.

“I don’t know what kind of wandering you have inside of you,” Bajada said to me. “It might be the kind where you just get an itch if you stay in the same place for too long, with the same people. I have that. The Rangers let me scratch that itch, and get a paycheck. But you, it might just be you want something you don’t have here, or need to run away from something. Maybe when that happens you’ll be happy and you can live wherever, do whatever you love doing.”

I kissed her, and let my foreleg wrap around her. Her lips opened and I felt better for a moment. My penis decided that all of my problems could be pushed forward with just a little more pushing and pulling. My brain wanted to continue and my so did my cock, but I knew this wasn’t the end. I’d be selling myself short if I left it as it was. I was going to get a little more feedback, then have sex again! Compromise!

“So, I should go? If I can?” I asked while she threw my hooves off of her before lifting herself up and over me.

“All I can tell you without guessing my ass off is, if you stay here for me, it isn’t gonna work out like that.” Bajada grabbed my forehooves and one at a time pressed them against her hips before lowering herself against me. I moaned and ground myself against her. Other than a growl from her nothing happened for a second as I fumbled with my magic to align myself. How earth ponies aimed themselves… Like how did evolution?

“Are you leaving soon?” I asked just as she slammed herself onto me and her tongue lolled forward. My eyes shut as we just took in the feeling for a moment.

“Yeah,” Bajada said to me as she picked her hips up and dropped them.

“I think I like you,” I said to her as she looked at me with lidded eyes and a smile.

“Whenever I roll into town, I’d be down for this!” She yelled before giving me a peck on the cheek.

“That’s-” I started and finished saying as she hilted herself on me and made me smack her ass. Okay, I’ll talk later!

That didn’t happen. What did happen was a happy enough ending for one of us, and a warm sleep. By the time I remembered the question I was pretty sure of the answer. That was good enough. I could accept giving a part of myself to this beautiful mare, her having given me a plan. Or the most important part of a plan: the goal.

A month later she left town, went out to meet her unit on the frontier. I said that I would keep in touch, like a lot of people do. She agreed, like a lot of people do. We sent a letter or two to each other. I had sent it. She replied and asked for me to tell where I ended up.

About that: I made my first attempt at the exam and failed by a couple questions, just after she left. The ponies running the test didn’t switch out the test questions more than once a year. But, you had to wait some months before you could take it again… And you couldn’t write down the questions while you were taking it, right?

I decided that passing was worth the cost of self-experimentation. All it took was me recording my memories of the test and replaying the memory a dozen times. It was a lot faster to learn the answers to those questions than to learn all the potential answers… I mean, I wasn’t that far from passing the first time.

By the time I took the test the second time, I could recite the answers to every question on that test in my sleep. I passed. That night, I told her.

We had just finished eating, and Dally was already running water over the pots. I had cooked that night, made my favourite soup. Mom was sitting in the chair a little less lucid than usual; really, the soup was her favourite as well. We both loved mushrooms to the point that it was a personal weakness.

“So, I heard from a friend of mine that you were at the medical office today. Were you checking on something?” she asked with that prying curiousity that irked me.

“No,” I said quietly. I had decided that I was going to tell her about my plans soon. I just–just–didn’t want to right then.

“What were you doing then? You usually don’t wander around for no reason,” She said questioningly. I just picked up my bowl and hers and took them into the kitchen. Page followed me into the kitchen. I passed the bowls to Dally and turned to face my mother.

“I took the Doctor's competency test today. I know I passed.” My voice had a hard edge to it, my jaw muscles locking in place. Chemicals were flowing all over my body, my heart was beating like a steel drum and I couldn’t help but feel that this was the end of something.

“That’s wonderful! Are you going to work at Mildew’s practice or some other place? Or do you not know yet?”

“I asked to be posted in Copper Springs,” I let my expression harden. I couldn’t back down now.

“What?” Her voice was low, shocked. Dalliance looked me in the eyes. I had told her about who Bajada really was. And now she had connected the dots.

“No one wanted that position, those ponies need help.” I looked down as I used the excuse I had prepared. A refuge in altruism. That was me, not willing to look my own mother in the eye.

“When were you planning on telling me?” Her voice cracked as she started tearing up.

“Sometime tonight, or tomorrow night,” I said, my voice staying steady. Cold. A part of me felt like I was twisting a knife in her. Another wanted nothing more than a smirk on my muscle and a feeling of victory. They fought it out, and I was left on the course I had sought.

“And that’s it! Just drop a bomb on me, on your own mother?” I let her speak. “This is just, so far from…”

“What you expected out of me. You never really minded me becoming a doctor. Never minded me being with a random mare who wandered into my life and left just as quickly. I’ve lived in your box, or looked like I was my entire life. Mom, I’ve been drinking. That mare was a desert ranger who just wanted to use me for sex, I was an interesting lay, a little virgin buck who never left his room.” I stopped and shut my eyes tightly. Crying wouldn’t help me, nothing but leaving would.

“You’re going to leave me? Do you even know for how long?” Page asked me suddenly, anger burning through her tears. This was the mother I knew, the one I loved with reservations. The perfect mother, with an asterisk digging into the perfect like a tight collar digs into a dog's throat..

“At least two years, with some holidays and time back in Paradise.” My eyes met hers before continuing. “It was either this way, or no warning at all.” Somehow my legs knew to carry me forward. I wrapped my forelegs around my mother. I looked down at her. At some point in our years together I had gotten taller than her. Somehow this moment made us aware of that. “I never wanted to hurt you. I love you, mom. This is something that I have to do.”

“No one has to do-” she started, between tears. Her diaphragm was contracting, and it made her studder in a way that she never did.

“I–I just, don’t make it harder for either of us. I don’t think I’ll be leaving tomorrow. It’ll be a few weeks, probably.” I said as I grasped for something that would stop her from crying, and let me go. This was the best thing I had. Her tears continued even as I let her go, and walked to into my bedroom. I shut the door hard and fought back my own tears. I threw open my dresser and pulled the bottle wrapped in brown paper to my mouth as I opened the door to my bathroom. I turned the tap on with a hoof and threw the shower curtain open. The cap loosened as my pink magic tore at it like an annoying bolt that needed removing. I stepped into the shower and pushed the bottle back as I opened the tap with a second pulse of telekinesis.

Both liquids hit me at the same time. The cold spray shocked, while the vodka burned my throat, it was like two different persons… The warmth inside, the desire to fight, to change and make a difference… The cold outside, the day to day glances, the sameness of the everyday, the feelings of meaninglessness. It felt unstable. With a huff and a cough I pushed the bottle out of the way. I opened my eyes and shoved my face under the tap. Everything was simmering. The day to day, the cold would pound me into the shape it wanted out of me. I wouldn’t let the outside world bend me into just another part of the whole, the same sickened whole.

I turned the tap to warm and felt my strength return, the bottle floating back over to me. For what it was worth, for what I was worth, I was going to be who I was, and I was going to make the world better at the same time. Most of all, I was going to finding out who I was without this place, and my mother shadowing me.

As I finished the bottle and felt the first tendrils of alcohol slowly seeping into my system, I pulled the curtain, dried off, and ambled to my bed like I was starting to weigh a lot more.

I lay in bed for just a few minutes before the content nothingness of alcohol-aided sleep took me. It wouldn’t be much longer before I was on my own. Before I found out who I was. The other questions that had been in my head recently, or forever, they drew away as my new life came into fruition.