The guards greet me with a casual head nod. Clearly what happened was on a need-to-know basis. I return the gesture without breaking my pace. I was hoping they’d call me by my rank since if I was demoted was also on my mind. Not like I could blame Celestia for doing such a thing. I expected there would be some type of consequence for my actions, but one thing was for sure: I had nowhere else to go.

The palace is alive with casual banter. Multiple civilians sit around talking with the enlisted ponies. The eerie scene of there not being a single human in sight, gnaws at me. I stand in the entrance hall, unsure if I should push forward.

I have to talk with her; I have to talk with all of them. No more running, no more hiding. I wasn’t willing to lose them over my own problems; I had to settle this.

I could control my shaking in front of a Garge who was going to bite off my head, but not on my way to the throne room. The refugees greet me with waves or by name and rank. They call me general. I pass it off with a single head nod. Internally however, their words helped mend my tortured soul; I secretly hated it. Why did I have to feel anything, why did I have to care? I wanted to be cold. Being so vulnerable, being so open, letting their words in, it wasn’t my style.

The doors to the throne room make my chest ache. This was it; behind these doors is everything I was afraid of. I stand there completely blank. Do I just walk in? Should I knock? Should I ask a guard? My head starts to spin along with the room. I’d rather open the doors of hell themselves. I stick my hands out and they hover a mere few inches from the doors. The moisture of my breath bounces around in my helmet so hard, it stings my eyes. My panting is almost deafening.

I lower my hands and hang my head, before turning left and walking down a hallway. The walls echo the sound of my metal boots and nothing more. Once again I stop at the balcony that overlooks the nation. The trees sway carelessly in the breeze. Birds and pegasi alike sore through the air. I grip the banister hard and lean over. It didn’t matter how I felt. Whether they hated me or not, we needed to move on the target immediately. I had to protect this place.

If they wanted to use me to finish the war, then so be it. They can cast me out after it’s all over and I’ll quietly pack my things without a word. I’d die knowing I protected an innocent nation, regardless if they hated me. I had come this far for them, I can’t give up now. I stand up straight and admire this land. It wasn’t like Nova. They didn’t deserve that kind of fate. They had ideals I always wanted. They assumed the best in each other. They always looked on the bright side. Who cares if they were foolishly optimistic; they deserved it.

I’d rather be dumb and happy any day, than be burdened with the perils of my own war. I fought so they wouldn’t have to. We put our lives on the line and watch the horrors of battle so they can sleep soundly in their beds. Watching them live out our deepest fantasies was thanks enough. Screw it, I don't need their approval. I've had worse. I'm not here to be liked, I'm here to kick ass and save the innocent. We don't have to get along, we just have to get the job done.

My steps back to the throne room are swift and dangerous. Anypony was liable to get an accidental kick to the sides if they didn’t watch where they were going. Each angry stomp of my boot resonates in my armor and reminds me why I’m here: to kill Og Nag. My feelings can wait. Somehow I knew that these tanks would cripple Zaran. What he would do after was a mystery. I push open the throne room doors harder than I mean to. They swing open and clank loudly against the walls.

Celestia looks up at me from a large piece of parchment in front of her. Her eyes widen and that gentle smile crosses her face. The gesture is the opposite with Cadence and Shining Armor. While Cadence glares at me with as much subtly as she can, Shining watches me skeptically. They knew, that much was clear. Which meant Celestia had to know. So why was she treating her attempted murderer so happily than the other two?

I do my best to push the thoughts from my head. I try to take casual strides up to her as I talk.
“Princess Celestia, we found what might be large tanks in the Everfree Forest. We think that’s where they’re making Og Nag. Our scouts report that they’re well-hidden but none of them dare to fly closer.”
Shining looks me up and down with his best unimpressed face.

“You have a lot of nerve-” I cut him off with my patented “I’m a maniac with nothing to lose” glare.

“Silence.” I hiss in a half commanding raspy tone. His eyes temporarily glare at me, before he tries to act civil. Cadence purses her lips, probably unsettled with how I’m speaking to her husband. They can both go to hell.

“I’m here to fight for your kingdom, we can argue later. We need to militarize immediately and strike now. Celestia, is there some type of spell to conceal us? If we can slip in undetected, that would give us a massive edge. I have no idea what’s in store for us there. Zaran will not have left it unprotected, although I doubt it will be more Og Nag since we would have seen them.”

Shining rolls his eyes. “With all due respect captain, I think we need to discuss this first. Feel free to wait outside.”

Celestia looks down at him and cocks an amused eyebrow. “Last I commanded, General Raiden had control of our forces.” Shining and Cadence look up at her with both horror and disgust. I could hug the crap out of that long neck of her’s. Cadence walks off, as Shining stands there avoiding eye contact with me. I wanted to tear into him so bad. There was no way I could blame his behavior on anyone but myself however. I swallow a few times.

“Shining, if you don’t mind, I’d like to talk with the princess alone.” He narrows his eyes and lets his mouth hang open slightly. Celestia giggles at his expression.

“Shining, I’ll be just fine. Please make sure your troops are ready while we talk.” There’s an unfathomable amount of soothing joy in her voice. Was she even Celestia? Shining lets out an annoyed snort but bows to her, and only her before leaving.

I lick my lips briefly, wishing I had Emeris here with me. Of course he wasn’t here, I screwed that up too. At this rate, I could expect a dagger in the back any day now. I hold up my hand to speak but only a high-pitched gasp comes out. There were no words to express how I felt. There was no way to paraphrase the hell that took place in my mind. Celestia walks forward and pulls me in for a hug with her foreleg. I start shaking and lean against her. She takes off my helmet with her magic and sets it on the ground. She strokes the back of my head and tells me it’s alright.
I shake my head furiously against her warm fur. “How...how can you just-”
She chuckles softly and pulls away just enough to look me in the face. “Raiden...I get it, I really really do. At the end of the day though, you didn’t go through with it. I also don’t want to hear any “what-if” scenarios from you either. I’m not going to pretend to understand how or why, but in the bottom of my heart I know you’re a good man.” As my lips tremble, she pulls me in once again.

“For the record though, if you had actually tried it, it would have bounced harmlessly off my shield...then I may have disintegrated you.” I stop sobbing for a second and snort loudly. She bits her lip in an attempt to stop her laughing fits but fails. We lean against each other, just quietly giggling. I was so relieved the conversation was over so quickly. That feeling was destroyed in a single sentence. Celestia pulls away and looks me in the eyes.

“I’m afraid Luna would like to speak with you.” Celestia gives me an extremely awkward smile. How did I know it wasn’t going to be that easy? My gaze grows wide as my right eye twitches. Celestia looks down and picks up my helmet.

“I apologize for Shining and Cadence. It’s been difficult for them lately.”I slip my helmet back on and begin heading to Luna’s room. Celestia sighs and calls out to me one last time.

“Raiden...Luna will need her time to vent but...she will understand more than you can imagine.” I stop and say nothing. There was more to her words. What does she mean by that? It slowly dawns on me that I honestly didn’t really know any of them. I would have to find time to read through their history.

My stomach twists in knots as I climb multiple staircases. I’ve slowly began to notice this feeling had left when I saw Luna wasn’t in the throne room. I guess she was the one I cared about the most. How could she possibly understand trying to overthrow a kingdom? How was I going to explain it? “I wasn’t me; I just had a lot of strange ideas that swept me off my feet.” Yes, a royal pony that grew up in a castle would completely get it. Maybe Celestia just wanted me to feel better.

I look up at the last staircase I have to climb before reaching her chambers at the top of the palace. I might as well be walking to a guillotine. The same dizziness returns and I have to lean against the wall. Was Celestia downplaying how mad she was at me because she knew it was going to be brutal with Luna? Would I get any sort of respect for coming to her on my own?

I take each step carefully as if they could start breaking under my feet at any moment. I’d be grateful for a random Og Nag attack just so I had an excuse to leave. There was no doubt about it: I cared for her, more than anyone I’ve ever known. There are so many things I’d give up just to erase what I’ve done, but it was time to face the music.

I stand outside her door. It’s cobalt blue with a moon in the middle. Her door was so simple, it catches me off-guard. I couldn’t summon the willpower to even raise my hand. I play with my gauntlets as my heart almost beats out of my chest. Every little sound I made was amplified by the complete silence of the hallway. I reach out to knock on the door, just to pull my hand back.

I stare mindlessly as it opens. Luna stands there staring at me. Her hair's a mess and there are bags under her eyes. Clearly she hasn’t been sleeping well. Her room is full of clutter, as if she stopped putting things away a while ago. Her face is rather blank as she stares at me. Neither of us has anything to say. She takes in a small breath.

“Hi.” She says quietly. All I can do is respond with a brief head nod. A few more seconds of silence go by before she turns around and walks into her room, leaving the door open. I timidly make my way inside. As soon as I’m clear of the door, it glows blue and slams shut. Luna suddenly starts trotting back and forth across her room. It’s large enough for her to get thirty paces before having to turn around. That vulnerable feeling returns; I’m trapped in a room with an angry Alicorn after I tried to murder her sister.

She keeps shaking her head as she trots, staring down at the floor viciously. She breaks pace for only a moment to kick a cup that ricochets off the wall. The sound makes me jump, forcing me to massage my gauntlets again. When I think about it, and really think about it, I was more scared of losing her. She can throw me around the room like Hurrand if she wants; I was used to the abuse. What could I possibly say to her?

She glances over at me as I stare at the ground in humiliation. My left leg starts shaking so bad that I have to shift my weight to my right. She lets out an enraged sigh.

“I...I’m not going to hurt you I’m just…” She sighs and walks over to a window. She stands there for a bit, looking outwards.
I take in a deep breath. “I’d rather you hurt me than lose you.” I say just loud enough for her to hear me.
She looks over her shoulder at me. “What you were trying to do...after everything we’ve done for you...don’t get me wrong, we appreciate everything you’ve done for us as well but...I know it’s not very princess of me, but I’m furious! We save you from Hurrand, we give you command of our entire army, we treat you like family, we trusted you with our lives and you do that?! I...I…”

She trails off, shaking her head and making circles in the air with her hoof in confusion. I wish I had rehearsed what I was going to say. The sound of my footseps rattles my nerves as I quietly walk over and sit on her bed with my back facing her. I keep my head bowed. She turns around and watch me.

“Will you just say something?!” She yells impatiently.
I lift my head slightly, but still not willing to face her. “I wasn’t me, I just had a lot of strange ideas that swept me off my feet. I don’t know what I was thinking...I...I am so sorry Luna I never-” I stop talking as she stomps an infuriated hoof. Everything in the room jumps once in place. My stare goes back to the ground.

“You want to know what the worst part is Raiden?! You’re not the only one to try and assassinate her and usurp the throne!” My gaze gradually makes its way to her face. Her eyes flinch a bit as she holds onto something.

“Look...I heard your conversation in the throne room. You need to go take care of business, but after that we...need to have a long talk.”

I nod and stand up, still feeling like a child going to their room. I had never experienced this type of humiliation before. Luna's ears go back.

“Raiden...look...I’m trying alright? I know you’ve been through...a lot, but...this is difficult...for both of us.” I stop and face her. Something in my gut told me now was the time to put myself on the line. She needed to know, no matter what it took.

“I...don’t want to lose you.” I tell her, my eyes wide with terror and glimmering my vision with small tears. She manages a small smile. “I know...we’re basically your family now.”
I shake my head a few times slowly. “No...I...don’t want to lose...you.” Silence fills the room. My temples start pounding mercilessly. I can’t take it anymore and turn around to leave.

“Raiden...make...make sure you come back...alright?” Her delicate whisper makes my chest hurt so bad I consider sitting down in the doorway. I can’t say anything to her anymore. I quietly close the door as I leave.

I was a soldier; coming back wasn’t something I could ever promise.