Emeris and I sit on a bench in the training yard drinking water and taking a small break. I can tell he wants to ask what went down in Canterlot, but he can’t work up the nerve to ask. I make it easy for him. I’m hunched over, unsure of how to even begin.

“Have you ever...been someone different?” My voice shakes a bit. I have no idea how to describe what happened. Emeris looks away and lets out a long sigh.
“Back when I had to be a spy in Cartridge, I had to be many people. At a certain point, the stress got to me and I snapped. I had all these...weird thoughts and ideas. From what I’ve noticed, when the brain hits its breaking point, it tries to find ways to vent. It surges you with the emotions it wants to express. So yes, in a way I have.” I rub my hands as I stare at the ground.

“Back in Canterlot...I haven’t been back at the Taraskan castle in quite some time. My brain kept telling me I was in danger. All those thoughts and feelings...it was as if reality and the past were mixed in some horrific nightmare.” Emeris looks around the courtyard at our soldiers who train ponies in various dodging exercises.

“I think almost everyone here has those. I thought it was just a part of being alive, but after seeing these ponies...I don’t think it’s normal. I know Lucy has them occasionally. Hers seem to mostly be nightmares though.” A few more seconds of silence go by as we sit in awkward silence.

“I tried to kill Celestia.” I painfully whisper.
Emeris slowly turns to me.

“Is that what you meant about...being someone different?” I purse my lips and tap my left foot a few times.
“I...I don’t know, something about being physically exhausted and wandering around through their castle without my armor on...completely exposed with no allies nearby...I just snapped. I had this weird idea in my head that I was a prisoner. It made sense at the time I swear. I choked out some poor colt and made some crappy crossbow...thing probably wouldn’t have fired. While everyone was looking for me, I snuck into a house and tryied to snipe Celestia, thinking she was trying to...enslave me or something. I snapped out of it but Luna still found me.” Emeris makes a painful hissing noise.

“Ouch…that uh, doesn’t usually go over well with women when you try to murder their sisters.” He sees the annoyed look on my face and mutters an apology.

“I...I wanna talk to her but...what do you say to that? No hard feelings? I mean they literally just rescued me.” Emeris plays with his water bottle as he thinks of something to say. He tosses it from hand to hand, avoiding eye contact.

“Well look, the thing is, you came to your senses. I think it’s fair to say you never would have gone through with it. Now...as for Luna...chocolates and flowers maybe?” He says with a small chuckle and a shrug.

“Okay seriously, I need a way to talk with her. Even to break the ice...assuming she wants to hear from me.” I let out a loud groan and tilt my head back.

“I forgot to add, I don’t know if Celestia knows what I did or how she feels about everything.” Emeris lets out a long whistle.

“Tough one. Well...perhaps you need to remind them of who you are then. Remind them you’re the badass hero who showed up out of nowhere to save them...from a threat you brought with you. Man your luck just sucks, doesn’t it?!” I punch Emeris in the arm. He always has a weird, condescending humorous way of cheering me up.

“Seriously though Raiden, let's find something to do to show them you’re still you. I ironically have a side mission I was recently rolling over in my head. We know only about a thousand Og Nag made it through with us, yet we’ve fought easily ten thousand of them so far. So they have to be coming from somewhere right? Well my scouts found something weird. There’s this place to the south of Canterlot called the Everfree Forest. Some of the Wonderbolts have flown over it and said there’s something weird going down. They saw large black tanks that house some type of green gel. I’m wondering if that’s where they’re making Og Nag. Could be worth a look. Only issue though is the Everfree Forest is rumored to be cursed so they’re not willing to go in and look. Could be worth a peek. Might give us an opportunity to test out Lancercore.”
I grumble a bit.

“Well if Zaran can hear us, you just told him our plan.”
Emeris quickly finishes gulping down his last bit of water.

“Forgot to tell you, Celestia rigged up some type of magical device to shield the surrounding area of Canterlot. It also encompasses Base Ponyville.”
I let my shoulders fall a bit with annoyance. “Is there anything else I haven’t been informed of?”
Emeris slowly turns to face me with a massive grin. “We’ve got a Taraskan wedding coming up.”
My jaw drops as I stare at him in amazement. “We...we’re in the middle of a war! Who could possibly find time to...what!?”
Emeris falls back against the bench laughing. “Actually there’s more to it than that. Apparently Lieutenant Cy has been...friendly with one of the locals.”
I throw my water bottle to the ground and stand up. “Are...are you telling me one of our soldiers is marrying a pony?!”
Emeris crosses his legs and rests his right arm across the bench. “Oh it gets even better. Get this: Cy and...Stormchaser. Your favorite little scout? Apparently they’ve been smooching in her free time.”
I hunch over and start laughing in shock. “I...I can’t believe that! Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for them I just…”
Emeris leans forward and gives an excited shrug. “I know right?! Isn’t that insane!? I mean he says it’s like...basically the same thing. You just kind of learn to accept they have a different body is all, other than that everything is the same as a human relationship. I mean former military dates former preppy girl, I don’t know how much they have in common but yeah apparently they hit it off.”
I narrow my left eye as my smile fades. “Emeris...what do you mean Cy is former military?”
Emeris looks down and nods his head a few times before looking away to the left.

“Cy...he wanted out. He said if he had to he’d fight again but...for now he wants to have a civilian life. He asked to transfer to my unit so I put Lieutenant Vox under your command and took Cy. I suspect he did it because Stormchaser’s path is usually flying over my unit. So for now, he’s not military anymore, spends most of his time baking. Stormchaser is still in though. Apparently she loves the military life. From what she’s said, she always had this massive uncertainty about what to do with her life. As enlisted, she’s told everything and all she had to do is do her best. It's comforting for her.”
Emeris’ foot bounces in the air across his lap. He avoids eye contact completely.

“Emeris...I’m happy for him I really am, but this needed to wait until after the war. We can’t have Equestria’s main military force start disbanding because of love.”

Emeris gets up angrily. “They need this...we need this. We need a distraction from this damn war. It’s all anyone ever hears about! Moral is crippled, and the only good thing we have right now, is no immediate threat of death and that’s speculation at best! Lucy and I have been working our asses off trying to think of what to do, and this is the only thing that’s come up.”

I place my hands on my hips and tap my foot a few times, trying not to get mad.
“If we start slacking now, this will cause a ripple effect. Soldiers will look at this and go hey, that’s kinda nice...you know...I don’t want to be a soldier either! And before you know it, half the enlisted drop out, we have to reorganize the chain of command, and while we’re doing that, Zaran attacks.”

Emeris balls his hands into fists.

“Look, if I need advice on how to raid a military fort, I’ll come to you. Sorry to tell you this Raiden, but you’ve completely ignored your troops! They’re destroyed! We’re talking moral here! This wedding isn’t just some little fantasy, we need it!”

I slowly shake my head at him, squinting with confusion. “Emeris what the hell are you talking about?!”

He points at our troops. As I carefully examine them, I start to see the weird behavior. Some stand still, just a few inches from a wall, staring at it mindlessly. A few others sit by themselves on boxes, muttering to themselves and rocking back and forth a bit.

“You see that Raiden?! They’re gone! Imagine how it feels to constantly fight every day while watching others live out your wildest dreams in front of you. Back on Nova, they had no idea how bad they had it, it was life! But now that they’re here, they see it now. They see peace, happiness, coalition. They’re falling apart Raiden! They need hope!”

I kick my water bottle across the ground. “And what happens when we let one after another go? What happens when they stop training? What happens if Zaran shows back up with a final assault months from now, and half our army is too busy baking goods for their sweethearts?! They can have peace after we stop Zaran!” Emeris gets up and starts shaking his hands on either side of his head.

“Raiden they need time to relax! These soldiers are on the verge of snapping! Do you want them blowing a fuse mid battle, or when they’re in the middle of a crucial task? You gotta let some things slide! Give them something to fight for!”

“Emeris we have to maintain order! We have to keep them disciplined!”
Emeris throws up his arms. “Why do we have to Raiden?! We’re done with Hurrand! We can change the rules! This isn't Nova where letting down your guard means death!”

I scoff at him. “Change the rules?! Those rules have kept us alive! What if they start questioning why they have to do anything? What if they start questioning why they even need to listen to us?! We could have a full-blown mutiny on our hands!”

Emeris gets a few inches from my face. His arms are at his side. I can’t help but notice his hand is strangely close to his hilt.

“These women and men are willing to die for you! They have all their faith in you! They trust you with everything! After all that loyalty, all that devotion, all they’re asking for is just a little peace! They’re silently crying out for your help Raiden, but you’re too angry to see it! Have you even looked at yourself?! You’re not made of steel! You’re falling apart! Celestia only talked with you in her throne room because I asked her to-” Emeris looks down and steps back.

“When she told me I wasn’t as put together as I thought...those were your words weren’t they Emeris?”
He sighs and looks up at me. “Mostly. Look...Lucy has been worried about you as well. You don’t see it but we do, your soldiers do...your family. I don’t think you’ve fully grasped what you’ve been through Raiden. Have you even...taken time off?”
I cross my arms and lean to my right. “I was in the hospital for several days.”
Emeris motions with his hands for me to continue. “And how was it?!”

“Horrible.” I grumble.
Emeris drops his shoulders. “Well...what did you do? How did you feel?”
I look off to the right. “Constantly felt like a failure.”
Emeris grabs me by the shoulders and gently shakes me a few times.
“See?! Even when you get time to rest you’re miserable! That’s not healthy! War isn’t healthy! We need time off! We need to relax more!”
He takes his hands off my shoulders along with four steps back.

“When I was holding down the North, we actually had some downtime. I sat on a hill and ate a cupcake...best five minutes of my life. I kept it hidden like some filthy secret. You know what I did after that? I worked harder. I felt like I had to make up for what I did. I spent the entire day teaching the ponies about duty and responsibility, how just even one pony slacking could mean a disastrous domino effect for countless others! Then...I did it again. Sat on the same hill, eating a salad, just enjoying the breeze. Took ten minutes that time. Ended up breaking down and telling Lucy. She laughed in my face and ended up joining me when I did it again. It helped us. I talked with the ponies, taking breaks are even part of their normal business world. It’s actually illegal to not give your employees breaks.”
We stand there silently. The anger still floats around in the air. I just had a huge ball dropped in my lap and it’s barely been a few days since the hospital. I start playing with my gauntlets.
“Look Raiden, let’s just pass our info to Celestia and head out. We can sort this crap out when we get back, but I got a feeling those tanks are important. I had always wondered why the Og Nag never attacked from the south. It was probably because they didn’t want us looking over there.”

Without saying a word, I turn around and march back to Canterlot. The conversation with Emeris plays in my head over and over. They’re silently crying out for your help Raiden, but you’re too angry to see it! I hardly noticed all the Canterlot ponies quietly trotting away from me as I make my way through what was left of their town. It hadn’t occurred to me that I’d have to face what I’ve done. My heart starts pounding so hard, I’m surprised my armor doesn’t clank to the beat. Did Celestia know? Did anypony else know? I’m sure they knew I ran for it, but what else?

I stop outside the steps leading up to the very first room; the entrance hall. The palace, despite being magnificent in color and design, now represented this ominous gloom that sat before me. I stand there, looking over its numerous windows, as if it was daring me to defile it with my presence. Did the guards even recognize me as a general anymore, or a threat to their princess? How much of everything that I earned was gone? Would the same citizens who looked up to me just a few days ago, act like I was some lunatic?

Two guards stand on either side of the doors leading into the actual palace part of Canterlot. Behind me was the town that was strangely quiet. I steal a glance over my shoulder; they watch me silently from the windows. Several faces are brave enough to show themselves, but dozens of heads do their best to stay out of sight, with only an ear or the tip of a horn to give them away.

The guards and I stare into each other. Were they curious, or did they have orders to not let me in? What would I tell them? Order them to move? Leave out of respect?

I take in a deep breath and walk towards the steps. I knew full well they would do me no harm, but the feeling of rejection stung more than any blade ever could.