You rise out of bed, ready to embrace another amazing day of-

Aw fuck, who are you kidding? Today's probably gonna suck. Again. You'll just be doing your best to give people a laugh and help them have a good time,and it'll go horribly wrong in some way.

Why do you have a habit of doing that, Anon? You always have the best intentions, and then BOOM! SHITSTORM HO!

Oh well, it's not your fault that you aren't funny or clever. Might as well roll back over and head back to sleep.

On the other hand, you're already on your feet. Fuck. Now you HAVE to be awake. ... Then again, if that line of reasoning doesn't even make sense for the writer, so now he doesn't believe his own character's motivations. Uhh. Fuck.

There are three gentle knocks on the door.

Actually, that doesn't help either. That just SUPPORTS going back to bed. God damn it, think of something.

There's bacon in the freezer.

"Might as well get up," you mutter to yourself.

Fucking yes. Good job, writer. You saved the story.

Flutterpriest sits back in his chair and sheds a single tear that one of the first compliments of the day had to come from himself.

"Hooraaayyy..."

You throw on a robe and, fuck it, pink bunny slippers. Yes, plot twist bitches, you have pink bunny slippers. They're comfy as fuck too. Thank Rarity for always being around to give you free clothes for some reason. Because she runs a profitable business. Or some shit. Just roll with it.

"Okay," thinks the reader.

You descend the steps one-by-one, rubbing the sand out of your eyes along the way. You approach the door, and throw it open.

Suddenly, a 40 lb yellow and pink spotted cougar leaps on top of you and slashes off your pants.

"RAWWWRRRR" growls the beast on top of you.

You chuckle to yourself and shake your head.

"Oh Fluttershy. Cougars aren't my fetish you silly goose!"

The cougar bites open your throat. Then you suddenly realize something. Perhaps the cougar transformation spell went catastophically wrong when it was cast on Fluttershy. Or the potion was mixed wrong or something. Who fucking knows with this stupid world? Either way, Fluttershy's mind was clearly replaced with the mind of an actual cougar but the impulse to interact with Anon still remained.

Also, I lied, you don't have bacon. You die a sad, lonely Anon. Without bacon. Being eaten by a cougar. Dick first.

Author's Notes:

What is my fucking life?