Coffee slowly percolates in the pot as you stare intently at the toaster, awaiting your bread to spring out. Calm mornings were the best mornings, where nothing crazy happened, Fluttershy would knock three times, then you’d be back to breakfast and on with your day. This particular morning, however, felt extra calm and quiet. The coffee pot didn’t splash everywhere and make a mess. Your toast popped out gingerly from the toaster, no flying through the air and you having to catch it.

Hell, even your triple S went without a hitch, and you even had a quicky in the shower.

Yes, today was going to be a calm, relaxing day.

As you sipped your coffee, there came three quiet knocks at your door. You smiled, taking your time walking into the foyer of your house, the bunny slippers you wore not even making a squeak on the linoleum. Reaching for the brass handle, the hard wood door opened without a sound, swinging out of the way to greet your usual morning visit-

In the span of a blink, you felt an immense pain in your face as you were shot back into the wall behind you, leaving a Anon-shaped indent in the drywall. Rattling to the ground was both you and your mailbox, the later leaving a cartoonic crater shaped as the flap on your face. Shaking your head, it corrected itself leaving only a slightly bloody nose.

You looked back up to the door and gaped. Standing on her rear hooves was Fluttershy, panting and holding the post your mailbox used to sit on.

“What the-”

Opening your mouth was the trigger, for she swung the post at you, barely missing your head as you ducked away and scurried into the living room.

“Fluttershy! What’s gotten into you?” you shout, taking a hiding position behind your couch.

The mare said not a word, instead reaching over to your stereo. What was she doing? Didn’t she know your favorite mix tape was in there?

Pressing the play button, the beat of drums began to take over the living room. The energy in the entire house shifted, all became calm for but a brief moment.

And then Fluttershy spoke.

“Are you ready, Redheart?”

You blinked in confusion, when from nowhere a white mare with pink hair, stepped into the living room from behind Fluttershy.

“Uh huh.”

“Dashie?”

“Yeah.”

You jumped, turning around to look at your television stand, to see Rainbow Dash sitting like a cat on top of your magic screen. How she hadn’t tipped it over was a mystery to you, but for now you had much more pressing matters to address.

“Lyler?”

That name made your heart stop. The sound of your toilet flushing brought you back to reality as you slowly turned to your right, just in time to see the bathroom door creak open and a mint green unicorn with the craziest eyes you ever did see step in.

“Poopy,” she spoke.

You turned back to Fluttershy with fear in your eyes, shaking your head.

“Alright ponies, let’s GOOOOOO!” Fluttershy shouted, then all four mares charged for you.

Without thinking, you kicked your leg up, your beautiful maple wood coffee table flying up in the air halting Fluttershy’s charge with blunt force trauma. Spinning around, you grabbed the couch side lamp in a hand and brought it upon Rainbow Dash, knocking her out of the air and onto your comfy carpeting. Your lamp now shattered and in pieces, you grieved for the light fixture for a moment too long as Nurse Redheart tackled you, landing on your couch with enough momentum to flip it backwards.

Both you and the white mare tumbled onto the floor, she landing on top of you. She slapped you in the face, you slapped her back. Then she bent down and kissed you passionately, but unfortunately that was for a previous story arc, so you threw the mare off and jumped onto your feet.

Fluttershy was recovered from the sudden halt, and now had the coffee table in her hooves as she swung it, connecting with your left arm. The table exploded into shrapnel upon striking you, sending bits of wood everywhere, some digging into the wall behind you. Your arm hurt, but not too badly so. You swung around for a quick punch at the mare, only for her to block it with a leg. You went for another swing, again blocked.

You backed up for a swing around kick, when Rainbow Dash lunged for you from the floor, knocking you off balance and falling into your recliner. As you landed, you reached around and grabbed the handle on the side and reclined, causing Rainbow to go past and crash out a window. Kicking both legs down, your recliner straightened out and you lept off, just in time for a medical syringe to dig itself into the chair.

You looked to the nurse pony for but a moment, before she began throwing more medical equipment at you. Running across your living room, you dodged, flailed, and screamed as you darted into the kitchen.

As you passed through your foyer, the front door exploded inwards, Rainbow Dash crashing through and into you. Landing just left of your previous indent in the wall, you staggered back to your feet, as the mare did the same. Quickly you kicked the still dented mailbox at Rainbow, the metal box bouncing off her head and back at you, to which you kicked again, but the second time she deflected with a wing.

Catching the mailbox in both hands, you swung to the right in time to meet Fluttershy coming for you. You opened the door, dropping your mail on the ground, and threw it at her. You shouted GOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAL as her head went perfectly into the mailbox and she landed on the ground, using her rear hooves to try and kick the mailbox off her head much like a cat in a box would.

Rainbow jumped back at you, slamming a hoof into your face before backing up and bucking your chest, sending you flying into your kitchen where you landed face first into your microwave. With a audible pop you pulled away, your face forever dented into the side of the appliance, even the shape of your tongue sticking out was apparent.

You grabbed the appliance and swung around, throwing it at Rainbow. She ducked in time, but as Fluttershy finally freed herself from the mailbox the microwave was next to slam into her face, then for a perfect combo it slammed into Redheart.

“C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!”

A ball of mint green fur slammed into you, causing you to slide along your counter and slap your face into each knob that stuck out for drawers and cabinets. If you’d known ahead of time, you wouldn't have gotten ones that protruded out so much. Then again, planning for a brawl in the middle of your kitchen wasn’t a thought at the time.

When you landed, Lyler was straddling you, sixty nine style, her butt directly over your face as she let out the wettest, stickiest, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD MISTER BOOM BOOM. The fart was quickly forgotten as the small cactus was birthed, slamming into your face. The needles punctured skin, and you screamed, pelvic thrusting into the pony’s face and sending her flying away.

Tearing the cactus off, you checked quickly to make sure both eyeballs worked. Okay, they’re good, however there was a single needle going through each nostril in a horizontal line. You grit your teeth as you pulled it out, droplets of blood staining your tile floor. Mister Boom Boom sure could pack a punch.

You looked into the foyer, noticing Redheart and Fluttershy shaking off the microwave’s wrath, but there was no Rainbow Dash to be found. That wasn’t good. You made a quick rush to the utensil drawer, grabbing all the knives and forks you could handle, and began throwing them at the mares. Fluttershy swung around, using her tail to deflect the silverware as Redheart deflected with her hooves.

Rainbow took that time to crash through your small kitchen window, just above the sink, crashing into you and sending both bodies into the refrigerator, denting the doors. You stepped away, looking at the window and thinking damn it, I loved those curtains.

Grabbing the spray nozzle from the sink, you pulled it out and began to spray Rainbow with it directly in the face. Flailing her hooves to deflect the spray of water, she opened opened the fridge door and began throwing stuff from it at you.

Wait a moment… in the back is the-

It’s too late. The carton of two month old spoiled milk flies right at you, smacking you clear on the face, exploding the crusty liquid all over your person. It drips from your clothes, and the smell, oh GOD the smell. Growling, you then charge at Rainbow, shoving her into the fridge and closing the door.

Fluttershy and Redheart march into the kitchen as you give the fridge a swift kick, sending it skidding along the tile floor into the mares, pinning them to the opposite wall.

You’ve had enough of this madness, so you run by the struggling ponies to escape. As you near the front door, there stands Lyler on her rear hooves, juggling… juggling…

“Oh sweet baby jesus riding a pogo stick…” you breathe.

The crazed mare is juggling actual grenades, how or where she got them you don’t know. All you do know is with her magic she quickly pulls the pins on them, a mad grin on her face.

“Mister Boom Boom gives his regards.”

You waste no time running up the stairs, hearing the fragmentation grenades landing behind you on each step. You round the stairs, charging for the safety of your bedroom as you hear the explosions begin. Taking shelter behind your bedroom door, the final explosion quiets into nothing but the cracks of falling debris. Looking out the crack of your door, you see nothing left of the stairs but a lone ballaster swaying back and forth.

You retreat back against the far wall of your bedroom, catching your breath as you try and make sense of it all. The question of how the fuck you’re still alive dies as three gentle knocks come from your bedroom door.

Slowly, you walk to the door and open it. Not surprisingly, Fluttershy sits there, a few cuts and bruises on her, but she’s just as intact as you are after the brawl.

“Good morning, Anon! Are crazy, random brawls your fetish?”

You blink at the mare.

She blinks back.

You reach down, grabbing her by the nape of her neck. With a Eeep! you hurl the mare onto your bed, landing with a oof and bouncing on the mattress. With a swift kick to close the door behind you, you then tear off what’s left of your shirt.

If Fluttershy can handle rough foreplay like that, then she can take what you got in store for her on your bed. After all, you have the weirdest boner right now, and like hell you’re gonna waste it.