Royally Screwed.

After having “failed” to gain any information from the fanatic before he killed himself, Cadence wasn’t too happy with Slade. While the guards disposed of the body, it had been Slade’s turn to be interrogated. Of course, Cadence had never interrogated a man like Slade before, so the mercenary wasn’t too worried when the princess took him to a side hallway and began to chew him out.

“What the hell happened in there? I thought that you said you could get information out of him?” Cadence seethed at Slade.

“I was doing my best, but he had a hidden packet of poison,” Slade answered truthfully. “It’s very hard to get answers out of a being when they are dead.”

“Ugh, this is a disaster. Celestia and Luna will be here soon and they are going to have to hear all about this,” Cadence grumbled to herself before shooting Slade another look. “And speaking of disasters, care to tell me why my guards found traces of a fight in that room?”

“Simple. He attacked me with a blade of magic. I slammed him into a table,” Slade replied truthfully once more. Cadence’s eyes narrowed once again, but instead of saying anything she chose to sigh and turned away from Slade.

“I can’t believe that I was foolish enough to trust you to do this. A great fighter you might be, but I keep forgetting that you’re a mercenary. All you care about is hurting people and getting paid,” Cadence said. Slade would have pretended to be hurt by her comment, but what she said was true. All Slade really did care about was making money. The hurting others was just a bonus.

“Your child was in danger and you took whatever steps you needed to so that you could protect them. It was a commendable action.”

“If you’re complimenting me on my choices then I know I’ve made the wrong decision,” Cadence muttered aloud, before motioning for Slade to follow her. He did so and a moment later he found himself standing in a large waiting room, one with a fountain in the center and two golden staircases that ascended to a higher section of the castle.

“I have a few princess tasks to take care of while I’m here and they shouldn’t take long. What I want you to do, what I will pay you to do, is wait here and don’t do anything that will result in somepony getting into a fight with you,” Cadence warned, her tone telling Slade that she was fed up with him. “Are we clear on this?”

“As long as you are paying me there is almost nothing I won’t do.”

Cadence narrowed her eyes once again, but seemed satisfied enough to vanish in a burst of magic a moment later. Now that he was alone Slade pressed a concealed button on the side of his helmet, activating the helmets scanning feature. With Canterlot being the magical capitol of the world, Slade figured it was as good a place as any to start searching for his real mission.

The scanner picked up massive traces of all sorts of powerful magic all across the castle, but he had been informed from his clientele that the magic he was searching for had a magical signature that would dwarf all of the others in comparison. And while the magic emanating from the throne room resembled what he was searching for the most, the magic wasn’t powerful enough to be his prize.

“So you are the mercenary that Cadence spoke of in her letter.” Slade turned his head to see the two alicorns that had given off the magic signature that he had been looking at a moment ago. Celestia stood before him on his right while her sister Luna stood just behind her sister. Both of the alicorns were studying him with narrowed eyes, while he could read caution in their features. Slade was hardly impressed by the two that stood before him, but luckily for him his mask hid any thoughts that may have been written on his face.

“And you two must be Celestia and Luna. The two princesses of this land that I’ve heard so much about,” Slade replied coldly, not bothering to keep the contempt out of his voice. From the way the two princesses narrowed their eyes, it was clear that they had picked up on his tone of voice.

“I still do not understand why Cadence would chose to hire a mercenary such as yourself,” Luna said in a condescending tone, one that made Slade’s blood begin to boil. “Does she not trust us to keep her daughter safe? While she was away there have been no incidents anywhere close to her foal. I believe all the stress is getting to her.”

“Perhaps she hired a mercenary such as myself because she has heard about all the times the both of you have miserably failed and decided that she wanted someone competent guarding her precious foal,” Slade snapped back and instantly anger formed in both of the princesses eyes.

“And what failures, pray tell, are you referring to?” Celestia asked in a simmering tone.

“Shall I list them for you? First off, your sister turned evil and you trapped her in the moon. Good job at being a sister. Then the both of you were utterly helpless against Discord and his power, trusting others to best him. Then there was Tirek and I believed that I do not have to say anything more on that. The tree of Harmony was another embarrassing story. And clouds. How do two beings with your level of power lose to clouds? Simple. Because you’re both incompetent.”

“Listen here you little-“ Luna began as she took a step forward, prompting Slade to reach for his sword. But before either of them could start anything, Celestia stepped between them.

“It is no longer our job to deal with the evils of Equestria,” she said in a very angry and very controlled voice. “We have since passed that task on to others while we focus ourselves with the politics of the land.”

“You mean you dumped your job onto a handful of civilians because you both were too incompetent to look after yourselves, let alone an entire nation,” Slade spat back. His words caused flames to burn in Celestia’s eyes, but before she could reply Slade turned and began to walk away. “And the final nail in your coffin is what Cadence has done since meeting me. She hired me to take care of her daughter and protect her family, something that, according to the both of you, you had been handling. So no Celestia, it seems that Cadence doesn’t believe in either of you.”

And with both princesses now firmly his enemies, Slade turned and walked off into the castle to find his room for the night. Celestia and Luna watched him go, but Celestia seemed more thoughtful than Luna.

“The nerve of that man, acting like we cannot save ourselves or our kingdom,” Luna grumbled to Celestia, who didn’t hear her sister. “Um, sister. Can you hear me?

“A monster with just one, red eye,” Celestia replied dangerously

{D|P}

After the first incident with Wade, Twilight had used numerous spells to make sure he couldn’t get in. Protective spells on the doors and windows. Alarm spells that covered her lawn and the airspace above it. And spell specifically designed to blast any human that got too close into the stratosphere. Normally Twilight was disgusted by the idea of using lethal spells, but since Deadpool was essentially immortal, she figured this would be her best chance to try them out and not have to kill any humans.

However, all of Twilight’s hard work was as useless as Wade’s brain, for despite all the spells she had spent a good chunk of the day casting, with a single button press on his teleportation belt, Wade found himself within the castle once more. He popped into existence in a burst of light, which illuminated the darkness of the castle.

“Honey, I’m home!” Deadpool called out into the castle, but only his own echoing voice answered. “Huh, must have gone out drinking with her friends again. Well she never could resist the calling of a bottle of tequila. But while she’s out, I think I’ll get a little more acquainted with-“

Deadpool stopped talking when he found a letter laying on a table next to him. With no regard whatsoever for the personal privacy of Twilight or her home, he snatched the letter off of the table and quickly read through it.

“Dear Spike,” he said in his best Twilight impression. Which was shit. “My friends and I will be out all night dealing with a friendship problem. Please look after the castle while I’m gone and make sure Wade doesn’t get in. From, Twilight Sparkle-butt.”

“P.S. we’re not just partying over at Applejack’s, so stop asking.”

“Wow, Twilight, I was joking about the whole going out to party thing,” Deadpool said with a whisper before folding the note into a paper airplane and throwing it out the nearest open window. He watched it sailed away before he turned his attention back to the castle and started searching once more. “Well, it’s not my place to judge. It’s my place to do what I want while being judge. Now then, if I was going to hurt a magical being whose powers far exceeded my own, how would I go about doing that?”

Deadpool spied a piece of paper that was hidden under some comic books, (a great hiding place as he figured Twilight wouldn’t be caught dead with the stuff) which he then plucked out from between the pages. The paper turned out to be a picture, one of Twilight and her friends, with a picture of Spike tapped on to the side.

“Wow Spike, you may just be one the saddest little shits that I’ve ever come across. And that’s saying something,” Deadpool said with a shake of his head. Then his eyes widened and he looked at the picture even closer. “Wait a moment, I get it now. If I wanted to get to Twilight, I would get to her through something she loves more than anything else. And that would be…her books! To the library!”

Deadpool tossed the picture over his shoulder before he began skipping through the castle, his destination the library. Yet on his way there he spied a single open door with light pouring out of it. And like any concerned neighbor who had broken into his neighbor’s house, he had a duty to turn off all the lights before he left.

Deadpool poked his head in through the door to see quite a sight. A small purple and green dragon was fast asleep in a basket like bed at the foot of Twilight’s giant bed (the irony not being lost on Deadpool), but it was who was standing over the little dragon that made one of Deadpool’s eyebrows raise. A being in a cloaked hood with a strange symbol upon said cloak was standing over Spike menacingly.

“Whoa there, partner,” Deadpool exclaimed as he walked into the room, getting the pony to spin around to face him. “I’m the biggest piece of shit I know in my universe and even I don’t creep on kids. What is it about these little kids shows and bringing out all the weirdos? Anyway, if you’re here to kidnap what Twilight holds most dear, you’re in the wrong place. Library is thataway.”

“Well well, the crying clown, here to interfere on my holy mission,” the cloaked pony said in a raspy voice, getting Deadpool to groan.

“Oh great, you’re one those yahoos. Here we go.”

“The princesses have wrought destruction and darkness upon the land. Even now they do not see the error of their actions and instead only cast this land further and further into the darkness,” the fanatic said to Wade, who was about to clean his ear out with his pistol. “But this darkness can be prevented if the princesses are stopped. But doing so requires…sacrifice.”

“So you’re going to sacrifice a dragon to some sort of demonic god in order to destroy those that you hate. Dude, I get it. I remember my college years and all the goats I threw into a volcano. I totally get where you’re coming from,” Deadpool said.

“So…you will let me do as I please?”

“Buddy, what part of anything I just said…” Deadpool began as he reached back and drew his twin katana blades. “Sounded anything like I was going to let you do that? I said you’re acting like I did back in the day. That means I have to kick your ass.”

“Very well clown, so be it!” the pony roared. Deadpool let out a kung-fu cry before leaping into the air at the pony, both blades pointed right at his heart. The pony’s horn glowed underneath of his hood and Deadpool came to a sudden stop, magical energy surrounding his body. He strained against his magical bonds to find that he couldn’t break free.

“Um, can we go back to you being a younger me and much friendlier?”

The fanatic roared before he hurled Deadpool across the room, driving him head first through a window. Glass and pane sliced into Deadpool’s skull, but moments later his healing factor rid him off all foreign material. He pulled his head back inside and turned around to see the fanatic using his magic to levitate numerous items in Twilight’s room, including both her and Spike’s bed…with Spike still in his.

“You’ve got to be shitting me,” was all Deadpool had time to say before the fanatic started hurling those items at Deadpool. Deadpool leapt over nightstand, did the splits to avoid being crushed by a sink, snatched a pillow off of Twilight’s bed as it crashed into the corner and barely, just barely, avoided Twilight’s twenty copies of Daring Do and the No Way This Could Backfire.

Deadpool then spied the unicorn lifting Spike’s bed into the air and he knew it was time to go into action. With the aim of a madman that somehow had more skill and precision than most martial artist, Wade chucked the pillow right onto the face of the fanatic. His horn impaled the pillow and sent feathers flying everywhere, while the pillow stuck to the pony’s face and broke his concentration as he struggled to get it free. This also resulted in Spike’s bed plummeting towards the ground.

“Hang on little buddy, I got you!” Deadpool exclaimed as he leapt into the air and snatched the bed out of the sky. He did an unnecessary number of flips on his way down before rolling up into a crouched position. “Oh yeah, who’s the greatest merc in the world who always saves the day!” Deadpool exclaimed as he looked down at the bed, only to find it empty.

Something landed hard on its face behind him and he turned around to see that Spike had faceplanted right in the center of the room. He looked from the baby dragon to the fanatic, who seemed to be having the same idea as Wade. The fanatic made a lung for Spike, but Wade let his katana fly and it slashed through the side of the fanatic. He roared in pain before vanishing in a flash of light, leaving Deadpool the winner of the baby dragon toss. Wade placed the bed down before picking up Spike and placing him within it as well. Once the little dragon was all tucked in, Deadpool walked over to the wall and retrieved his katana, which he then sheathed.

“Whew.”

“Who’s there?!” Spike asked as he snapped awake, glancing around the room until his eyes rested on Deadpool. “Wade. I thought Twilight told you that you weren’t supposed to come back in here.”

“Okay I know I’m not supposed to but there was this fanatic and-“

“And what the hell did you do to this place?!” Spike exclaimed in disbelief. “It’s like a twister came through here?! What in the name of Faust would compel you to do all of this?!”

“If you’d shut your little mouth and listen for once in your life, you would find that-why do you have a button?” Deadpool asked when Spike pulled a small box with a button on it out from his blankets. He pushed down on it and a moment later alarms blared throughout the castle, followed by magical lasers all drawing a target on Wade’s chest.

“Threat detected. Threat identified as Wade Wilson, the Deadpool. Lethal force authorized.”

Deadpool then looked from the dozens of lasers that had come out of the wall and were pointing at him to the dragon that was looking up at him with a proud smile on his face. The lasers all charged up and Deadpool prepared for horrible agony that awaited him, but first he had one last thing to say to Spike.

“Hey kid?”

“Yeah, Wade?”

“Twilight went partying at Applejacks without you.”