Dear Canterlot High Chronicle,

Look, I don't know who you're trying to get a hold of, but trust me, you have the wrong number.

Please stop sending student journalists to stand outside.

We don't need any magical assistance, and last we checked, our digestive systems are fine; we don't need any help with "pootin'".

Please stop filling up our voicemail.

Sincerely,
Counterweight
President
U-CRANE Construction Equipment Rental

This story is still, all these years later, the way I can reach the most people, so allow me to say:

Fuck you, you worthless piece of shit Cold War relic. I hope your own people take you down and imprison you in a gay strip club.