An Existential Nightmare in Equestria

Chapter 2: Defense Attorney Creampuff Was Not Amused

Music: http://www.listenonrepeat.com/watch/?v=VDjPwkPazAI

For some reason my dreams had decided to return me to a computer programming course I had taken in college. It had been a community college experience and students of all types and ages were in the room with me, nervously bubbling and re-bubbling the scan sheets attached to their final exams. The whole room had this barely tangible smell of burning pencils, like the sheer momentum of the test was too much for them to handle. Me? I was about as nervous as a dolphin gets right before having a good swim. Programming 101 was a requirement. It was too easy for me.

One-hundred questions? I had them solved in 20 minutes and crept up to the professor's desk. I smugly circled my corrections to the test itself and awaited her response. I didn't know what was supposed to happen if I technically did better than 100%, but I wanted to find out. The professor looked mildy impressed. She opened her mouth and let out a startling: "RIIIIIIIIIIIING!".

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*RIIIIIIIING* *RIIIIIIIING* *RIIIIIIIING*

I felt like I'd been hit by a bus... again. My eyes opened slowly and came to focus on a... mechanical alarm clock? I didn't remember owning a mechanical alarm clock. "Whatever..." I half mumbled as I rolled over and whacked the clock. My vision was blurry and muddled without glasses, but I really hit it a lot harder than I meant to. I was also feeling really hot in bed, even though I was just wearing the same silly illustrated shirt that I normally did.

"Ugghhh... what happened...." I wheezed out as I buried my head in the pillow. Oh man... that voice. I thought that I must have had the mother of all frogs in my throat. I rolled over again and squinted to see a glass of water on the stand beside my bed. Reaching out for the glass caused two things to happen.

First, I failed to grasp anything and sent the glass careening across the room only to shatter against a wall. Second, I realized that the tapered, grey, alien appendage which had shot out in front of me was not my own and promptly whirled into another panic attack. It was all real?!? Hearing all the clamor, a nurse from before hurriedly unbolted the door at the far side of the room and came rushing in. This was different from last time. I was finally wide awake. As I heard loud footsteps coming closer to me, I clamored to get out of the bed. I couldn't stand properly and wound up slamming my head against the bedside table. A bit of panicked stumbling and flailing and pressing my face against the hard surface somehow landed my glasses squarely on the bridge of my nose. Then I spun about and actually fell into the corner of the room by the window.

"Oh dear... again?" A female voice started. "You've got to stop doing this, or we're going to have to clear out the adjacent rooms, you know..."

Against all odds, my life's journey had somehow brought me face-to-face with a blue pony. She was an intermediate shade of blue with a swirly mint-colored mane and tail and was adorned with a sterile-looking white shirt and hat. Even worse though: She had just spoken to me.

"Stay away from me!" I shouted, perhaps a little too loudly.

The mare flinched as I shouted and replied. "Uhh... will do, I suppose."

I stayed pinned against the corner of the room, breathing heavily.

"Are you... sure you don't want help getting back on the bed?" She asked, more timidly. I feverishly shook my head side to side before a panicked leap sent me rolling and sliding underneath the nearby hospital bed.

"Right..." I heard the nurse say. "I'm just going to go get the doctor. You stay put..."

Her voice picked up somewhere out in the hallway. "Oh Doctor W! Your new special patient is awake and she hasn't changed a BIT!"

I was prostrate with grief under the bed trying desperately to make sense of things. Driving in the middle of the night, struck by lightning, colorful horses. It didn't sound like a logical chain of events. Furthermore, had I actually landed in the world of My Little Pony? Sure, everything was horribly colorful, but this didn't feel like a kid-friendly cartoon. It was downright terrifying. The world was less vector-illustrated and more shockingly detailed in every way. I was wide awake now and there was no denying that my splitting headache was real. I went limp looking down at a form that rendered me unrecognizable, yet I couldn't help but recognize it. 'Eerie' comes to mind.

"There you are, Query! You have us worried." chimed the cheery voice of Doctor Willcrest. He had crept into the room while I was preoccupied, presumably. I started and got my horn stuck in the box-spring. He was peering under the bed a little too closely to get to some(pony?) in a state of existential panic. (Pff... and he was about to think that I was the crazy one.)

"Why don't you come out from under there?" asked the doctor. I shook my head.

"You need to come out." I shook my head again.

"Query, I can't have a patient fortifying herself under the bed. You need rest." Willcrest said, ever patiently. A small "nuh-uh" escaped my lips.

Then Doctor Willcrest did something unexpected. He clamped two hooves right around my horn and dragged me straight out in one smooth motion. I tensed up for a moment, but quickly gave up and flopped on the floor.

"Tired of panicking?" he asked softly.

"A little." I sighed, and paused for a time. "Can you tell me more about how I got here?"

"Well, I'll take that to mean you can't remember..." Willcrest began. "Not that I'd expect you to, of course! You destroyed part of a roof, a stained glass window, and a double-tiled floor... with this!" he tapped me gently on the head.

"...and then you went straight into a swimming pool and nearly drowned. It was quite a task getting you here in time, but then again that was the most cooperative you've been all along." He chuckled. I just stared at him.

Responding to my silence, the doctor started up again. "Er, we don't have any other information. You just sort of dropped in. We put flyers outside, but nopony has come by claiming to know anything about you."

"Will... I be able to go see the place where I landed, then?" I asked.

"Er... actually... I think that would be prohibitive right now." Doctor Willcrest said, looking oddly a bit guilty. "We'll deal with that later. I think maybe you could use a tour of the hospital, though. You've been in this room so long that it's just oppressive!" He walked casually over to the window, stepping harmlessly over bits of the broken glass, and raised the blinds. I caught a glimpse of a very nice illustration of a stethoscope emblazoned on his flank. How... obvious? A quick check in the window revealed it to be very early morning and the sun was beginning to show up on the horizon. "Oh, finally..." he said, looking outside. I struggled a bit, but managed to sit up and the good doctor returned to me.

"Sorry about that alarm clock. I think somepony must have bumped into it last night...  by the way, you're sweating bullets. You probably shouldn't be wearing that." he said, pointing at my shirt. Before I could say anything he bit down on the collar and slipped it off of me. I actually felt a lot better suddenly, but then as if by reflex... *FWOOMP!* My back?!? "Ahhhhhh!" I started shrieking. Doctor Willcrest stayed as calm as a board and carefully pressed my wings back against my sides.

"Well... that was embarrassing." I admitted.

"How odd..." the doctor began. "Your behavior... all this shock at encountering normal ponies. How much do you remember from the time before your accident?"

"I should think I remember mostly everything." I replied.

"In that case, would you care to enlighten me as to where you came from?" he asked. This was it... the tough question.

"Um... er..." I stammered.

"I knew it, dear! You have some sort of amnesia. That explains all the confusion. I can assure you that you're safe and we'll get to the bottom of all this soon!" he said. I couldn't think of anything else to do. I was becoming agitated, so I ill-advisedly stammered out the truth.

"OK, OK! The last thing I remember was going to work in the middle of the night at an X-Ray company I work for. I was a regular guy, not a pony, and I didn't have wings... or... this thing." I blurted, tapping my horn. "There was an incident with some computers. I was yelling at someone... then lightning struck me... twice... and... uhh... You know, this all happened in... the town of East... Rivermouth... er..." I just blushed beet red and stared at him, realizing that I sounded completely mad. Doctor Willcrest blinked and in very rare fashion decided not to speak for a moment.

"Well... touche..." he muttered after some time. "In the politest way possible, I have to tell you that I'm afraid that makes almost no sense at all. You're definitely not a male... and, er, you most definitely are a pegacorn. These aren't attributes that change when one receives head trauma." I chuckled nervously, and then asked the dumbest question ever employed.

"You're... sure I'm not a male?" I asked. The good doctor wore an expression of pity. I couldn't be sure if he was trying to keep from bursting out laughing or not.

"I'm... afraid not. I'm a doctor. I can tell." he said quietly. The blue nurse from before had just started to enter the room, but without skipping a beat she scrunched her lips and reversed her way out again. The most exquisitely awkward silence followed.

Finally, the doctor spoke up. "Perhaps you need that walk more desperately than I suspected. Come on. Let's go, then! I'm not just a medical doctor, you know. I specialize in rehabilitation! We'll have you back up to snuff and remembering your life in no time." I desperately wanted to protest that I did in fact remember a perfectly respectable array of events from my own life, but I was beginning to realize that it would get me nowhere... and I couldn't lie to myself. The prospect of making it out of the slightly-too-cheery hospital room was becoming ever more attractive, even if I'd have to brave whatever hellishly colorful places awaited beyond that threshold.

"Well, this way!" Willcrest said, motioning for me to follow him. I started to rear up on my hind legs followed by more faceplanting. The doctor returned to my side and slid a pillow in front of me.

"Perhaps I'd better go find you a wheelch-" he began. I cut him off.

"Oh, no-no-no... Just give me a minute." I said. "Right... quadrupeds..." I added under my breath. I was relieved to find that I could actually walk, albeit clumsily. Well, 'clumsily' may be a bit of an understatement. I was wobbling and tripping over myself in grand style, and just plain lucky that nopony outright stuffed me into a wheelchair. As I followed Doctor Willcrest out the door at granny-speed, my face contorted with the thought that it was just plain impossible to be aggravated by a smiling, chocolate-brown unicorn. He was so sweet that it almost disgusted me! I mean, there's not supposed to be anything adorable or cheery about everyone else thinking you're brain-damaged. I half-expected him to take me down to the cancer wing for a good ol' song and dance.

We walked down long corridor after long corridor. There were pastel-colored walls everywhere which were surprisingly ornately decorated, many of them sporting huge glass windows with views into other parts of the hospital or just peering at the lush landscape outside. There were towers out there, and lots of trees, and... sheer mountainous cliffs and crags? It looked like a vacation resort out there. Various male and female ponies busily traversed the halls in white sterile uniforms, and rarely made eye contact. Eventually we came to stand outside a plain white door with a plaque that read... something strange like 'CIVCONCIO SLHEOICU'. (Not exactly. All the symbols were simplified and curved.) Before I had time to ponder further, the doctor turned to me.

"Oh, you're going to love it in here!" he said as a coy smile flashed across his face. "Huh?" barely escaped my lips before I was being shuffled into a room by three beautifully groomed female unicorns in yellow, pink, and powder-blue. They practically swept me off my feet and hoisted me onto a bench adjoining a basin. I gasped and choked on water as my head was tossed in before bolting upright.

"Stop! I've told you everything I know! Stop it! Waterboarding's not going to work on me. I have nothing to say!" I shouted. What appeared to be the older, yellower of the three unicorns looked down at me and sighed.

"How'd ya' like ya' hair done, miss?" she asked in a raspy voice. She sounded like she hailed from New England, of all places.

"It's not a torture chamber..." I muttered. "Or is it? How does one 'do' hair? Is it going to hurt?"

The powder-blue colored unicorn peered over me. Her voice was high and bubbly. "Oh, oh! We'll just keep it the same so you don't have a heart-attack. Sheesh!" ...and she set me back down into the chair.

"Agreed!" they all said in unison. What followed was an unnerving symphony of splashing, and finely-scented things, and hoof-buffing, and tail-brushing. (All the while I was probably making faces like they were trying to operate on me while I was awake.)

"Isn't it lovely?" I heard the doctor's voice chime. "We've got the most highly-funded facility in Canterlot, for obvious reasons... I thought maybe you'd come around if you felt like a lady again in our hospital spa..."

"Again!?! I didn't know there was a first time... It's like my troubles are just MELTING AWAY-ack" I snapped and coughed in the sink, very sarcastically.

The doctor just turned to one of the spa-ponies and mumbled "You might want to, uh, just speed this up a little bit." It couldn't end soon enough. I felt less like I was being pampered and more like I was going through a physically/socially awkward carwash. After what felt like an age, the pink unicorn rolled a mirror up in front of me.

"Ees good?" was all that escaped her mouth, in a very thick accent I couldn't settle on.

"Well... at least it's still jagged and tomboyish..." I said.

The older, yellow unicorn then spoke up. "Yeah, we usually know ta do that when a client acts like she's gonna burn the place down..."

"But you still. look. lovely!" the bubbly unicorn added. I just got up and walked out of the room without making eye contact. "Ughhhh..." I groaned as I simultaneously gave response to "Come again, soon!" and the fact that the lavender cloud from the spa was following me wherever I went. Doctor Willcrest tailed me out the door looking slightly concerned.

"Well, you do look rather nice now!" He said.

"Do I?!? You know what? I really can't tell right now." I responded. There was a bite in my voice. "You know, I was having a lovely monologue earlier about just how impossible it would it would be to get angry at a brown... ughhhh... UNICORN! I'M RECONSIDERING! You're a brown unicorn, and I'm very upset!"

"I... well-" the doctor began. I cut him off.

"...and thanks for asking me if I was interested in a trip to the spa!" I added. I walked down the hall at a faster pace, still stumbling at random intervals. I had no idea where I was going and my favorite unicorn kept pace.

"You're headed for the elevator that goes down to the emergency room..." he said.

"I knew that!" I quipped, wheeling around.

"Now you're headed back to the spa..."

"G-uhh-dh..." I blustered.

"Perhaps we got off on the wrong hoof?" Willcrest asked. I'd never heard him so apologetic. I was running out of steam already and returning to my previous sentiment about brown unicorns.

"Well I have two right ones, I suppose, and you've managed to miss both." I said bluntly.

"You know..." he began, sounding more casual. "I once had a patient in for psychological evaluation that looked and acted much like you. She was a pegasus, though. Crazy yellow eyes! Although... she was definitely easier to handle. *ahem* Loved the spa. Her family was worried about her, though. I'd send you to meet her if I didn't have to keep everything confidential."

"I don't think there's any other... pony... out there like me." I whimpered.

"Well of course not in that way! You're unique!"

"No... not like that..."

"Well now you're just being mysterious! Do you really know what you're talking about? I mean, no offense. I love a challenge."

"I might be a little too much of a challenge for you."

"This is getting us nowhere." the doctor said, stopping me. "You might not like the spa, but do you think you'd like the cafeteria? I'll let you pick everything out, and they won't stuff your head in the sink even for a moment."

"Alright." I conceded. I hadn't yet realized just how terribly hungry I'd gotten out of sheer existential panic. We didn't speak much during the following walk. I knew it wasn't his fault. He felt rightfully so that I was somewhat mad, but it was still excruciating for me. I knew or at least believed that I wasn't out of my mind, but I also knew that I couldn't expect these ponies I'd encountered to share the sentiment.

Ponies in an elevator... that wasn't something I'd expected to see. It seemed that I had started my journey on the second floor of a hospital. It was odd how the whole place could be so brightly colored whilst keeping a thick air of sterility. The first floor was more welcoming with carpet and wooden walls. I found myself following the doctor through wide, open spaces. The place was huge! Something was off, though: it just didn't look like something ponies would build. I mean, there were stairs in certain places! Stairs! Why would horses ever have invented stairs. I half expected to find out next that there was a colony of colorful, talking snails somewhere that had invented the ladder during the early stages of their development.

When we did reach the cafeteria, at least it was a scene I was familiar with. It had counters and tables and... chairs... and everything you'd expect to find in a less-than-gourmet hospital eatery. I stood before a lovely display case containing salad, and some more salad, and... salad... Crap. I had awoken unto the future, and the whole world had become... salad.

"It's just a salad bar...?" I asked, forlorn.

"No, no, no, no, of course not! There's fruit, too!" Willcrest quipped. I just stared at him with my mouth open. I clicked my tongue against my teeth... even my front teeth were flat. Bother.

"Oh fine... give me an apple and a pear, I suppose." I conceited. A chubby colt behind the counter put a tray in front of me so fast that it could have knocked me out.

"I threw in the punch! Fresh squeezed today, by yours truly." the attendant said in a low, gruff voice. I wanted to respond with something sarcastic about how proud his mother must have been, but I think the cute factor of the whole place was getting to me and I had my own struggles with the tray to iron out. I was on my haunches with the tray clamped in my hooves and about to fall backwards when the doctor came by and snatched it from me with his teeth. He set up at a nearby table.

"Uhh... thanks." I eeked out as I sat.

"So... simple tastes? Any cosmic reason for choosing the pear?" Willcrest asked.

"Mumph uph phttt umff?" was the response. At least I didn't eat like a dainty pony.

"Never mind. I'll just wait." he said quickly. I'd never been so happy to have a pear. It was like all the angst was draining out of me. The tray didn't last a minute... and I do mean the tray. There were bite marks on the edge and I didn't think they'd reuse it. Willcrest barely got out "Well, you certainly have been on plasma for weeks..." before I was steaming up the display window again.

"Whoa... slow down there! You don't wanna end up like me, do ya?" asked the gruff colt at the counter as he tapped lightly on his rather large, barreled midsection.

"Oh... er, no! Does that happen?" I asked. I didn't know anything about pony metabolism. "Uh, you know what? I think I'm full. Thanks." The colt just smiled and put some sort of fruit smoothie on the counter.

"Oh, I'm just razzin' ya!" he laughed out. (But everything he said was masked by obnoxious slurping.) His chuckling only got louder as my face contorted in the wake of an odyssey of brain-freezing.

"Tsk, tsk..." said Willcrest from across the room. "You're not going to improve if you insist on freezing your brain even further!" He was smiling at me, and I mean actually trying to be funny and lighthearted. It was quite an emotional rollercoaster, but I found myself actually laughing in response. I couldn't help but wonder if something WAS wrong with me. After all, I didn't remember ever having been so emotionally flip-floppy. I shrugged it off and chocked it up to the lovely blanket-excuse of 'coma'. I found myself back at the small, round table with Dr. Willcrest and my hooves folded. It was at that exact moment that I noticed something very odd about the world: Although we had been meddling about the hospital for what felt like an hour it was still dawn outside. The sun was just barely, barely peeking out as if it didn't want to come up.

At any rate, we just sat there and talked casually for quite some time. The good doctor chose to refrain from asking me any difficult questions.

"Well, I should put in my case notes that the way to get through to a small, grey pegacorn is straight through the stomach. Skip the pleasantries and find a pear, stat!" he said, still chuckling. Suddenly, though, his tone changed dramatically. "Now that you're feeling better, I, well... I do need to fill you in a bit about the 'situation' you're in." I felt sick almost instantly, and it surprisingly wasn't centered around my stomach.

"Is my situation something other than being full?" I asked, sheepishly.

"Well, yes... You see, there is the matter of your arrival and... How should I put this?" he paused. "Whether or not it was intentional, so to speak. It's... *sigh* a question of why and where."

"But I don't know how I got here..." I began, quite earnestly. "I remember being electrocuted, and some noise, and then waking up to your voice."

Willcrest wore an expression of almost-fear, and said: "I believe you don't. There is a complication, however... mainly to do with where you landed... There's going to be-" He just stopped in mid sentence and turned pale as a ghost.

"What?!? There's going to be a what?" I shouted. Then, I turned to look in the direction across from the doctor. Ominous. Were they... guards? Yes, guards approaching us. They were very large, tall white stallions with armor and almost roman-looking helmets with red brushes. Their hooves were loud and the sound echoed throughout the cavernous room.

"Doctor, I'm afraid the hearing has been rescheduled." said the taller of the two guards in a very commanding, cordial tone. His voice boomed.

"Oh, well, lovely!" sputtered the doctor. "We could use the extra time. You see, Query is probably still not well. She's better off in my care, and-"

"The hearing has been rescheduled for roight now." interjected the second, stouter guard. He had a low, goofy English accent.

"Why that's unacceptable! I was told I'd have a week and a half at the very least!" he responded.

"We're just doing our jobs. The hearing is now. Go and file your paperwork." said the taller, sterner guard.

I barely had enough time to think to myself: "Ponies do paperwork?" before I was being forcibly grabbed at the shoulders and escorted away toward the atrium. Doctor Willcrest was following shortly for a while, shouting and protesting until one of the guards shot him quite a stare. I'd only been awake as a pony for an afternoon and I already felt like my new profession was being manhandled at regular intervals. The two guards were keeping their shoulders firmly pressed against my wings as we neared an exterior door. (How quaint of them to think that I could have flown off.) When the guards stopped to open the door revealing the chilly night scene outside, my jaw dropped as I realized where I had been all along. There was no mistaking the colorful towers of Canterlot Castle. I was on the castle grounds. Our walk picked up to a brisk pace I had difficulty keeping time with as we set out on an ornate cobblestone pathway.

"Uhh... where are we going?" I asked in a panic. "I liked it in there, you know! That doctor fellow was nice. What did I DO?!? I know I took a second smoothie from the cafeteria, but no one told me it was illegal! This is all because I'm GREY, isn't it?"

The shorter of the two guards turned and looked at me. "Look..." he said. "We're not taking you to the court because you're grey. We're taking you there because you wen' off and almost creamed the princess last month. I'm Niles, an' he's Flynn, and we've both been forbidden to talk to you. At all." The taller guard, Flynn, smacked Niles on the head. "Quiet!" he seethed through his gritted teeth.

"What? What?" Niles asked, agitated. "I was just... oh... oops." The guards didn't say another word to me as we walked, and walk we did. The journey to the courtroom was a lengthy 20-minute stroll which put in perspective the grand scale of the castle grounds. We passed various beautiful gardens and buildings and stalls (although I was really too distraught at the time to enjoy them) and finally wound up at an ominously large set of white double-doors with golden handles. They looked like real gold. Flynn cracked one of the doors open with his teeth and sent me flying into the room by pushing my back legs. I looked up in awe and felt a cold breeze behind me as the door slammed shut...

It was a courtroom. A BIG courtroom. It was like the Vatican of courtrooms. I decided in my head that ponies must have been the most terribly gaudy, vain creatures of all time. Dark, wooden pews lined the sides of the cathedral room and contrasted against the marble and gold walls and pillars. The windows were humongous, colorful stained-glass murals at least 50-feet tall each, showing ponies and alicorns and mythical creatures in various poses. One great, clear, semicircular window stood at the far end of the room immediately behind a series of stands where some ponies were sitting. A red and blue runner carpet sat under me, leading all the way to the far end. One particularly snobby, wigged blue stallion eyed me carefully and spoke.

"You... are the one called Query?" he began. He pronounced Query like "Qwerry" in a very particular, haughty way. "You will approach the stand and await instructions. Do not speak until spoken to." I think he was the least inviting pony I'd seen so far. Ponies weren't generally very threatening.

"Uh... OK..." I managed to get out, but as I made a step forward something stopped me and I fell flat on my face.

"Oop! Sorreh!" I heard the voice of Niles say as one of the doors opened again and the rest of my tail was tossed through. I did the only thing I could think of and approached the stand as I was asked to. I looked nervously at the crowd of staring ponies and cleared my throat (which echoed loudly through the silent chamber). A very short, chocolate-colored colt with a picture of a shield on his flank and a grey vest stepped forth.

"ALL STAND FOR THE HONORABLE JUDGE BLUEBERRY, PRESIDING!" he boomed. It was a massive, low voice coming from a deceptively stout, round frame. I... clamped a hoof to my mouth, trying desperately not to snicker at the judge's name.

"Thank you, Bailiff." Judge Blueberry began. "You may be seated. I know you folks are *ahem* a bit rusty at this, but in the wake of two unavailable princesses it is our distinct honor to fall back on our traditional judicial system. This case will consist of a single hearing, with half an hour scheduled for deliberation after the facts have been delivered. Our jury has been selected in advance, and we have our very own esteemed Miss Cupcake Swirl, manager of the castle grounds, to stand in and represent for the part of our ruling hierarchy. Our prosecutor will be this pony, Miss Chocolate "Fudge" Delight. Our defense attorney, standing across from Miss Query will be this pon-" The judge just stopped and wore an expression of total shock and disgust.

"Ahh... ha... ahaaaa... *wheeze* Haaaaaaaaaa... *gasp*" I had finally lost it. I was laughing out loud... tearing up, even.

"MISS QUERY!" he boomed. "This is a SERIOUS proceeding. You're in a very rough spot. I suggest you silence yourself immediately before I put this court into recess."

"I--- I--- I'm sorry. It's just. *snork* Judge Blueberry, Cupcake Swirl, Chocolate Delight?!? Am I about to be thrown in jail, or is this a FOOD court?!? Bwahahaaaahaaaa! I-- er, so sorry! It's just: What's next? Does the court system supply me with a defense attorney? Am I going to sit here behind defense attorney Creampuff, or Wedding Cake, or something?" A young mare with a blue and purple mane got up in front of me, drilling into my eyes with an expression that seemed to say: "You iiiiidiot!" as she turned slightly to show me the wonderfully rendered graphic of a creampuff on her flank. Defense Attorney Creampuff was not amused. I made the call to shut up.

The expression just drained from the stoic face of Judge Blueberry. He composed himself and said: "I am going to do this one. more. time. Our defense attorney, standing across from Miss... Query... will be this pony, Jen Creampuff. We'll begin with our opening statements." Tears were streaming down my face as I fought tooth-and-nail to compose myself.

"Miss Query! Deliver your opening statement. It is your turn to openly address the court." I peered behind myself to see ponies trickling in and occupying the pews in the courtroom. They were... whispering and pointing at me with their hooves. I could hear bits of what they were saying. "Look... is that the one? She's the one?" "She did it, didn't she?" "A pegacorn? Wings and a horn and all that? She had her eye out for the big chair, I reckon." "I didn't know pegacorns could be so... small... so normal-looking." "Well there's nothing normal about her, is there?" "What in the hay IS that cutie mark supposed to mean?!?"

"I... umm..." I stammered. Defense attorney Creampuff was gesturing a hoof at me, telling me to 'pick it up!'. "I... uhh... have no idea why I'm here or what I've been accused of. As far as I know, I've never seen this place or any of you before today. I'm... not from here." Defense attorney Creampuff screeched "That's it?!?! That's your statement?!?" through gritted teeth and a furrowed brow. Prosecutor Chocolate just smiled as if to say 'too easy'. I think she whispered "...just like we planned..." to her client, Cupcake Swirl.

"Very well. Miss Swirl deliver your opening statement. It is your turn to openly address the court!" Judge Blueberry boomed.

"*ahem*" the white/yellow earth pony began from her side of the stand. "It has been reported, and confirmed by several eyewitness reports, that this grey pegacorn did appear in the skies over Canterlot castle at some point between 9:00 and 9:30AM on the morning of June 8th, promptly plummeting through part of a roof and a wall and landing with deadly accuracy not six inches from the foot of her majesty's royal throne. If she had not been reared up at that exact moment to take a slice of cake from a platter, she would surely have been no more. The princess did, however, sustain injuries from the debris tossed during the impact, and has been held in the infirmary ever since, unable to perform her royal duties. Her sister, Princess Luna, is reported to be (regrettably) away on other royal duties, and unable to return for the time being. The kingdom of Equestria hereby accuses this pegacorn, Query, of the terrible and heinous crime of a terrorist attack against our ruling hierarchy, undoubtedly with the intent to seize control of its ranks!" There was a humongous, collective gasp around the entire room. Some of the ponies started to cry when they heard about Celestia. It was... bothersome. My heart sank in my chest like a sack of lead. Apparently when the whole royal family was tied up, the local staffers just had to build a pony court out of nothing.

"I don't think I need to repeat that accusation, Miss... Query." Judge Blueberry said, through gritted teeth. "How do you plead?"

Real tears were streaming down my face now. Nothing was funny. "C-Clueless?" I squeaked out.

"That is not a plea! How do you PLEAD?" he boomed, again.

"I... I don't know!?!?!"

"Are you GUILTY, or NOT GUILTY?!?"

"I... uhh... Not guiltyyyyyy!" I sobbed. "I remember a lot from before the crash, but none of it had anything to do with princess-murdering! I don't even understand how I got here!"

"So you ADMIT that you crashed yourself right through the castle structure with deadly speed?" Prosecutor Chocolate chirped. Creampuff stood up and occupied the space between the stands.

"My client should NOT be required to answer that. She's distraught... and not in her right mind!" she protested.

"I think I'm in my right m-" I began, before Creampuff just stuffed her hoof right in my mouth.

The court proceeding went on and on like this for quite some time. I did a lot of sputtering. They called many witnesses with noting interesting to say and tried to figure out where I was from, even to the point of rolling a map out onto the stage. The bottom line was that I couldn't form a story that I believed, let alone that they would. There was talk about me perhaps being a changeling... and it was all very weird. Finally, as Creampuff was becoming desperate to form a line of defense, she decided to head out on a limb.

"I'd like to request the gem test." she said.

"...and why is that?" Judge Blueberry asked.

"Surely as we all know, in order to cause damage on the scale Query allegedly did and remain alive, she would have had to use very powerful magic to brace herself for the attack. Secondly, and again as we all know, Starswirl's gem test is the oldest and most universally accepted method of testing a pony for residual magic using a rare sort of reactive crystal. All ponies with a horn will generate some sort of activity in the crystals as a result of their recent magic use, but the reaction is proportionate to the magnitude of said magical activity." The prosecutor shrugged, like she couldn't think of anything to say to that. Judge Blueberry looked at his pocket watch. It had been hours since the proceeding started.

"You have 20 minutes to procure this test. No more. This court is in recess." he said. The ponies behind me started to roar with excitement. There was panicked and confused talking abound. I didn't ever get the chance to really talk to Creampuff as she bolted immediately out of the courtroom and across the grounds. I really just wanted to tell her "thanks". I can't say that any...pony had ever made it a habit of sticking up for me back home. I had to come to grips with the thought that I most likely did crash into the throne room. "...but it was an accident!" I kept telling myself. I actually felt pretty rotten, nonetheless. I just squirmed uncomfortably in my place for another fifteen minutes. Judge Blueberry was peering at me from across the room like I was a stain on the carpet, his nose all wrinkled up.

When Creampuff did finally return, she was carrying a small dish covered in a rag with her teeth. Judge Blueberry groaned and closed his watch.

"For those who are not familiar, I'd like to demonstrate Starswirl's gem test for the court." she spoke. "Under penalty of perjury, I claim that I have not used my horn in any capacity since lunchtime." She gently removed the rag from the dish to uncover a smattering of ground up red sparkly powder and placed her horn right in the middle of it. There was a brief purple glow as the whole dish shuddered and emitted a tone, almost like that of smacking a wine glass. The audience looked intrigued while Blueberry just sat up there, twirling his wig.

"I'd like to call Query to take the test." she added.

"Very well! On with it!"

I found myself really hoping that I wasn't magical. I didn't feel magical. I sure as hay had no clue whatsoever as to how the horn-thing on my head worked. I stood up and walked to the middle of the stage and placed my horn in the bowl with an unceremonious *plonk*.

Nothing.

The room just went silent, mouths agape. In fact... it felt as though quite a bit of time passed. "But how can-" I heard somepony begin, jut before a great crash interrupted the court proceeding. One of the ornate double-doors at the back of the room swung open.

"Stop this! I DEMAND TO BE CALLED AS A WITNESS! She's not in her right mind... *huff* ...no... condition to speak for herself..." huffed Doctor Willcrest, as he galloped down the aisle. He came to a gentle stop by my side.

"I'm sorry Query." he whispered, still out of breath. (he wasn't very athletic for a horse) "You wouldn't believe the paperwork I had to finish just to get in here!"

"Doctor, you're out of order!" Judge Blueberry scowled. "...and you're too late. This case has gone on quite long enough. It is the jury's turn to deliberate and come to a judgement." Willcrest just looked like he'd taken a blow to the stomach.

"It's OK. Thanks for coming." I managed.

Time passed. The next thirty minutes were excruciating. A rather large pony-jury had left the room to retreat and discuss what they had heard. I was sweating and looking about frantically. What sort of guilty judgement would a pony court come up with anyway? For all I knew I'd be sentenced to eat a bunch of marshmallows as punishment... but the worry was still there. So much for happy, singing, dancing, colorful pony-world. After what felt like an eternity rather than 30 minutes, a pink pegasus made his way around the stands and whispered into the judge's ear.

"Quiet in the court!" he boomed. "The jury has reached a conclusion!" My heart started thrashing in my chest.

"That conclusion is that the defendant is... NOT GUI-"

A blinding flash filled the whole room and sent everypony reeling. It was caused by... the sun?!? The sun had just now instantaneously emerged. I could hear ponies in the pews chattering: "The sun? The sun is out again!" Judge Blueberry had totally lost track of his sentence.

Another flash streamed across the castle grounds, and then a white light appeared right on the stage between myself and the judge's panel. As the beaming brightness cooled, I saw none other than the looming visage of Princess Celestia. The crowd gasped! Nopony moved or said a word for a while. I was dumbfounded.

"Guilty." she said, softly and with a scowl. Again, nopony moved.

"Guilty!" she repeated. "I am calling this proceeding to a close. It is no longer required." She stepped closer to me. I was shaking.

"Query, is it?" asked Celestia. My mouth just opened, nothing more.

"For your unforgivable attempt on my life I hereby sentence you to banishment, and to be locked in a dungeon in the place you're banished to." she added. My mouth opened and closed a bit this time.

"Your highness! I beg you to reconsider!" Willcrest pressed, his voice nearly failing him. "She's not in her right mind. She doesn't know what she's done!" The whole room was still reeling from the sudden appearance of the Princess and, er, daytime. I gathered that it had been dark out ever since my arrival.

"Silence." the princess hissed. "There's the matter of your punishment as well."

"My... but... I don't follow, your highness..." he replied.

"...for harboring a dangerous criminal in my castle, you can go with her. You are relieved." she said.

"TAKE THEM AWAY!" she commanded further. The whole place was filled with a blinding light. What must have added up to a dozen royal guards poured into the room and shuffled Willcrest and I out into the searing, Summer morning.

The guards were relentless. We were headed somewhere very fast.

Somewhere.

I fought back terrible guilt as I looked into the pained eyes of my only friend in the world. Next Chapter: Fly Another Day Estimated time remaining: 2 Hours, 43 Minutes