Wanderer D floated placidly face-down in Humanized!Twilight’s tub.

When he was about to finally drown, some sort of magical aura enveloped his body and he was suddenly floating, upside down on top of it, and blinking in confusion at the creature in front of him.

It looked well… like a hobo. And Wanderer would have been a less confused if he wasn’t sure Twilight most likely had no spaced-out-looking hobos in her house. Unless that was her dad.

Wait.

That explained a lot, actually.

“Um, hi, Mr. Sparkle!” Wanderer D smiled uneasily. “I’m sure you might be confused as to why I’m naked in your tub but—”

“!rehtaf s’elkrapS thgiliwT ton ma I” The hobo announced. “!sdanoG ehT fo emaG eht ni eceip ssehc ym eb ot uoy nesohc evah I dna EmanyxorpdogmodnaR ma I”

“I see.” Wanderer D considered the hobo in front of him. “So, how did you get in here, and, did Twilight already call the police?”

“.detropelet I dnA .t’nsah ehs ,on dnA .em ot egnellahc yna fo eb dluow dlrow siht fo ecilop eht fi sA”

“Okay, well then, Mr. Hobo, I’ll put on my clothes and get going, I really don’t want to stay here any longer than necessary an—”

“!ecneliS” EmanyxorpdogmodnaR looked at Wanderer D with a wicked grin that showcased his yellow-green teeth. “!emag ym fo noitarud eht rof esuba yllauxes ot namuh modnar a fo pihsrenwo ekat lliw uoy neht dna uoy ezingocer ot seinop teg ot rovaedne ekil-wohs a ni etapicitrap ot teg osla lliw uoy dna ,renniw a eb ot flesruoy gnimialc elihw elbissop sa serutaerc ynam sa htiw etalupoc lliw uoy ereht ecnO !gnisoohc ym fo epahs a ni airtseuqE fo dnal eht ot uoy dnes lliw I”

“I think I lost you at the beginning of the conversation, but it sounds to me like you want to send me to a ‘verse’.” Wanderer D frowned. “That’s not very nice.”

“—netsil ,woN”

“No, you listen!” Wanderer D said pointing an accusing (and still dripping) finger at the hobo. “I don’t care what sort of sick game you want to play, but you have no authority to randomly copy someone else’s plot device and s—”

With a puff, he was gone.

“.gnibrutsid adnik saw dekan gnieb mih ,hE” EmanyxorpdogmodnaR said, shrugging. With another puff, he was also gone.

“Oo-er, missus, I'm gettin' a tinglin' in me Berlin Walls!” Arcainum exclaimed, using a giant fork to poke Wanderer D. “That Lilian Gish is a right fine piece!”

“Too right, guvnor!” Blueshift agreed, downing his pint in one go. “Get a pint of easy rider down yer and we’ll have ourselves some scran!”

“Oi, leave some bevvies for me, yer nob'eads!” BrianBlessedPony called, kicking down the door to the pub. “And turn on the kickabout, the Gunners are playing Spurs tonight!”

“No! Please! Don’t eat me!” Wanderer D shouted, flapping his fins around in desperation, eyes wide and staring in two opposite directions.

“Oh, man,” he groaned, wiping his forehead. “That was some wierd dr—”

He had fins.

And scales.

And a tail.

And he was breathing underwater.

“Well… that’s unusual.”

“!hsif sselniarb rehto eht lla ekilnu gnieb gnikniht a er’uoy taht evorp osla tub ,ynop a ecudes ylno ton ot evah uoy ,hsif a sa ,woN !sraeb eht gnideef spahrep tub gnihton rof doog ,serutaerc sselniarb yletelpmoc era hsif kniht seinop ,airtseuqE nI !mrof wen ruoy ot ,eb-ot-evals-xes-eceip-ssehc ym ,emocleW” EmanyxorpdogmodnaR said, suddenly right there, next to Wanderer D Fish.

“But fish are brainless creatures without self-cognizance!” Wanderer D complained. “And how do you expect me to seduce anything when I am officially a trout!? I can’t even get out of the water! What are you doing!?”

“.looc gnihtemos ro sruatonim ro sedahs ro suuqenocard gniod saw esle enoyrevE ?yako ,lanigiro dna euqinu eb ot detnaw I esuaceb detasnepmoc-revo evah thgim …I” EmanyxorpdogmodnaR muttered.

“Well, that still doesn’t solve my problem.” Wanderer D swam around EmanyxorpdogmodnaR. “If you toss me out of the water, I die. And I guess I win and you lose. And even if you make it so I won’t die by exposing myself to the air and dryness, what do you expect me to do? Flop around trying to communicate like a story written by FelixD—”

“!smra dnA !sgel uoy evig llahs I”

“Great,” Wanderer D muttered, looking at the very human-looking legs (with feet) and arms (with hands) protruding out of his scaly body. “Now I look like that guy from Slayers.”

“—n od ot deen uoy tahw ,neht lleW”

“Hold on!” Wanderer D held up a hand. Which was very weird, because he was a fish. “You’re giving me a headache by talking backwards. Seriously. I know you want to be original, like so many authors out there that want to be original so they throw in some quirk that ends up being more annoying than a character trait.”

“Aww, but I was having fun!” RandomgodproxynamE whimpered. “Besides, eccentric villains are totally a trope!”

“A trope is only a trope IF you use it correctly. Otherwise, it’s just stupid.”

RandomgodproxynamE pouted. “I still chose you to represent me here.”

“Okay,” Wanderer D sighed, setting off a little trail of bubbles that sped up and away. “Who are you playing against?”

“Uh… noone.” RandomgodproxynamE grinned sheepishly. “But I’m hoping that other demi-gods will kick in when they get the chance and see how you do!”

“So… this is just you trying to get attention by creating something that depends on others chipping in?” Wanderer D summarized, rolling his fish eyes.

“Yes. And I don’t care because I have no self-esteem, shame, or aspirations,” RandomgodproxynamE declared. “You still have to do as I say if you want to be human again!”

“But I don’t want to be human again,” Wanderer D stated.

“So you se—you don’t?”

“Nope. I just want to go back to Luna, Trixie and Daring, my friend the Doc and see Discord date Celestia. Preferably as a unicorn. No extra powers. No weird things. Just me.”

“Well, if you want to do that you have to at least seduce at least one mare!” RandomgodproxynamE insisted.

“It would be easier if I was just myself! Even as a human!”

“Well, true,” RandomgodproxynamE acknowledged. “But then that wouldn’t inspire others to try even more wacky transformations.”

“I am a bluefin tuna-sized fish with arms and legs,” Wanderer D pointed out. “How do you expect any of your friends to find something more wacky.”

“Oh, it can be done!”

“Doesn’t mean it should be.” Wanderer D swam around, trying to figure a way to get through to RandomgodproxynamE. “Look, I know you’re trying to be original, but you’re doing stuff that has been done before. By many others. And just as poorly.”

RandomgodproxynamE huffed. “I already told you, you have to seduce a mare.”

Wanderer D rolled his eyes. “And how, pray tell, will I do that?”

RandomgodproxynamE shrugged. “You’ll have to be… a ninja of love. Silently striking at her heart.”

“A ninja of love.”

RandomgodproxynamE nodded.

“You know what, fine, I’ll do it just so you shut the hell up, because your pretentious whining is so grating you’d give Kage a run for his money.”

“Who?”

“Someone. So, where am I and where can I find a female to seduce?”

“You’re in Canterlot,” RandomgodproxynamE said, looking up at the circular area of light above them. “In a fountain.”

Wanderer D blinked. “That’s one deep fountain.”

“It is,” RandomgodproxynamE agreed. “And I must give you a warning: You may not tell others that you’re a human. Ponies hate humans! They think they are creatures without thought or sentience and are nothing but slaves!”

Wanderer D’s eyes narrowed. “That’s beyond stupid. And you should stop it. Now.”

RandomgodproxynamE rolled his eyes. “Well, did you want me to dress you up as Commander Shepard or some random hero or villain and throw you out there so you can simply destroy Equestria?”

Wanderer D shrugged. “Hey, as long as it was fem!Shepard I have no complaints.”

RandomgodproxynamE gaped. “But I thought you hated ALL humanized in Equestria!”

“Meh, F*** it. I’d be having fun.”

Twilight Sparkle hung, upside down next to Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity and Pinkie Pie, pressed against the wall of living room while four ponies, including a unicorn, a pegasus, a relatively-normal-looking pony and a winged and horned pony looked around.

“Well then,” the winged and horned pony spoke up. “Where is Wanderer D?”

“You know?” Fluttershy frowned. “That blue cretin sounds almost like Principal Nightmare Moon.”

Luna blinked. “I- your school principal is Nightmare Moon?”

The girls nodded.

“What could she possibly do that would be so evil? Make you repeat a grade?”

“We get no respect,” Rainbow Dash muttered.

“Trixie has felt traces of energy. Wanderer D was here recently.” Trixie announced. “Trixie also found a tub full of water and two humans rutting.”

Luna nodded. “Where is Daring?”

“She stayed to watch,” Trixie said, rolling her eyes. “She said that it was a good subject to study for future reference.”

“And the humans?”

Trixie shrugged. “The one called ‘Shiny’—”

“Shining.” Twilight corrected.

“Him. It seemed to encourage him.”

“I see.” Luna considered the stairs before shaking her head. “We need to focus. Where is Discord?”

“I’m here auntie Lulu!” Discord said, uncoiling himself from Fluttershy’s leather jacket.

“Discord.” Luna sighed and shook her head. “Don’t call me ‘auntie’. You’re older than I am.”

“But if you’re dating my dad, and I’m dating your sister, what does that make us?” Discord asked.

“Very messed up,” Applejack stated.

“Oh, hush you.” Luna turned her attention back to them. “What did you do with Wanderer D?”

Rainbowdash mumbled something.

“Pardon me, young one, I couldn’t hear you.”

Rainbow Dash shrunk into herself and muttered something again.

“I’m sorry, what?” Luna leaned forward.

“I-I said we knocked him unconscious and threw him into the bathtub.”

“I see.” Luna glanced at her companions.

Doctor Whooves and Trixie took off to the bathroom, while the girls smiled nervously at Luna, who was not smiling back.

“Aw, don’t be angry, auntie,” Discord chuckled. “I’m sure that whatever the reason they had for it, dad totally deserved it.”

Luna closed her eyes and sighed. “I know.”

Everyone’s eyes turned to the stairs when Daring and Trixie galloped into the room. “He’s gone!”

Luna’s eyes narrowed. “Take me there.”

“Hmm…” Discord stroked his beard as he gazed intently at the bath curtains.

“Well?” Trixie asked impatiently.

“Hmm…” Discord looked up and down the curtain. “Don’t you think this would look better if it was made of taffy and had spaceships attached to it?”

“Discord,” Luna growled. “We’re looking for Wanderer D.”

“Oh, yes, dad.” Discord cleared his throat. “It seems that he was taken by some sort of minor deity, probably the sprout of a malnourished and illiterate imagination. Far worse than the usual absence of it.”

Luna frowned. “Aren’t you being a little overly critical of something’s imagination and brain prowess?”

Discord shook his head. “No auntie, believe me, as the incarnation of chaos, nothing is more insulting to me than predictably lame storylines and pretentious abuse of godly names to excuse blatant rehashing of the same formula.”

Luna remained quiet for a moment. “You sound like Wanderer.”

Discord grinned. “He’s my dad. Accidentally.”

“Right. I keep being reminded of that.”

“Well, how does this help us?” Daring Do asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Well.” Discord hummed. “If my guess is correct, dad is already in Equestria.”

The ponies face-hoofed.

Wanderer D poked his trouty head out of the water. It was nighttime in Canterlot, and few ponies were around. Slowly, he emerged from the water, eyes staring in different directions.

“Right.” Wanderer D stepped out of the fountain, letting water drip down to the floor. “Now I must find a mare to swoon.”

Sadly, the streets were so empty it was almost impossible to even see a pony travelling alone, much less a mare, and one not belonging to the guard.

Wanderer D stared with one eye at the guardmare.

She stared back with both.

Wanderer D slowly turned around so both his eyes could focus on the mare. It felt like he was going crosseyed.

They stared in silence at each other for a few more minutes.

Eventually, Wanderer smiled. “H-hey, what is a nice mare like you doing around a-um… fountain… like this?”

The mare stared.

“Uh, can I buy you a drink?”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” the mare shouted, stepping back, eyes wide, irises the size of pinpricks.

“AAAAAAAAAAH!” Wanderer D responded smartly, arms flapping fruitlessly at his sides.

The pair stopped and stared at each other again.

“Look,” Wanderer D said slowly. “We clearly got off on the wrong foot. Um. Hoof. Flipper. Anyway, I’ll pretend that I did not try to ask you out, and you’ll pretend you never saw a tuna with arms and legs emerge from the fountain to invite you to the nearest bar. Deal?”

The mare nodded slowly.

“Well then.” Wanderer D nodded. “I’ll be on my way.”

The mare nodded again, watching as the giant tuna walked away and into one of the many dark streets.

“I’m never hitting the salt like this again,” she muttered, turning around and stumbling her way towards home.

Wanderer D stumbled away from the lamppost he had slammed into.

“Stupid opposite-direction-al-y eyes.” He stopped and tried to shake his head, but only succeeded in shaking his whole body. “Stupid fish body.”

“You can’t do this to us!” a sophisticated-sounding voice yelled from somewhere further down the alley he was standing in.

“Yeah! Who do you think you are!?” another voice seconded.

“Ah’m the owner of the damned club!” A decidedly male voice responded. “And your act is over!”

“B-but! It’s a completely new genre of music!” The sophisticated voice argued. “We finally managed to combine classical music with electronic in perfect synergy! We hired a choir of Celestia’s Monks to chant in ancient Equestrian along with the lyrics!”

“We even had a name!” the other voice insisted. “This new genre will be called Monumental Dance! It will be epic! You can’t say no to this! You’d be the first to showcase it!”

“You two don’t even have a name for your little group!”

“We do!” the less sophisticated voice said urgently. “We were going to call ourselves “Nominare!”

“What does that mean?”

“It means ‘to name’,” the sophisticated female voice replied.

“That’s not a real name! Come back when you have one!” the male insisted, and his order was punctuated by the sound of a door slamming.

Wanderer D had followed the voices up to a dimly lit back door in the alley, where none other than Octavia and Vinyl Scratch themselves had been kicked out for starting the equestrian version of E Nomine.

Vinyl frowned. “It smells fishy.”

“Well, that could’ve gone better,” Wanderer muttered.

The two mares immediately twirled in place, facing in his direction. Seemed like they both had very good ears.

“Who’s there?” Vinyl called. “We know you’re there!”

“Come on out!” Octavia agreed. “We don’t appreciate snooping!”

“That means we don’t like somepony spying on us!”

“I got it,” Wanderer D muttered, stepping into the light in all his fishy glory. “I know what ‘snooping’ means, thank you very much.”

The two mares stared at him for a moment before Vinyl Scratch started laughing. “Dude! You’re totally a fish!”

“Ha. Ha.” Wanderer D’s eyes rolled. “And you’re exactly as the fandom portrays you, how quaint.”

Vinyl stopped laughing and glared at Wanderer D. “Tavi,” she growled. “Was I insulted? It feels like I was insulted.”

“I do not know what he meant by ‘fandom’ but the tone was clearly derogatory.” Octavia nodded.

Vinyl looked back at her. “What?”

“Yes, Vinyl.” Octavia sighed. “He was trying to insult you.”

“Next thing I know you both studied psychology in the same university, right? Somehow you ended up dating after a Goodwill Hunting-like psychological intervention where you realized you had to outgrow Octavia’s evil mother, right?”

Octavia snorted. “Vinyl studying psychology? That’s rich! She barely graduated as an electronics associate. The extra homework would have done her in!”

“Besides!” Vinyl added, bumping her nose just above Wanderer’s mouth. “What do you know about education, fishhead?”

Wanderer D shrugged. “Only that a Master’s in Literature sucks when it comes to finding a job that is not teaching.”

Vinyl turned to look at Octavia. “Hey, he’s an egghead like you.”

“Says the one that studied wavelengths and can build a subwoofer from scratch,” Wanderer D retorted.

Vinyl was silent for a while. “Do fish drink?”

“All the time,” Wanderer D deadpanned.

Octavia’s lip quivered into a small grin.

“Ha.” Vinyl’s ‘pat’ on Wanderer D’s back almost bowled him over. “Listen fishface, I like your attitude, although it’s clear to me you’re acting tough to compensate for being well, a fish. How about you join me and Tavi here for some drinks?”

Wanderer D frowned. “Why do I think this is a little too convenient? Am I still a Mary Sue?”

Octavia’s eyebrow rose an inch. “Somehow I don’t think ‘Mary’ fits you.”

“It doesn’t fit any self-respecting character,” Wanderer D stated and looked down at himself. “And right now my self-respect is down in the gutters, so I am worried.”

“Look, the way I see it, Tavi and I got our gig destroyed, and you have a fish face.” Vinyl started pacing in front of the other two. “So, since we can’t do anything about it right now, we should all get drunk.”

Wanderer D and Octavia looked at each other.

“Well,” Wanderer D said, grinning at Octavia. “I think she makes a very fair point. Besides, maybe after a few drinks I won’t be sober enough to look at the mirror and see a fish.”

The trio started walking and Vinyl grinned. “Aw, it’s not too bad, fishy—”

“The name’s Wanderer D,” Wanderer D interrupted.

“Wandyfish. Fishy D. Whatever,” Vinyl giggled. “The point I’m trying to make is, you can look at the same time to either side of you right?”

Wanderer D shrugged. “Yes?”

“Well then,” Vinyl wagged her eyebrows up and down. “Why look at your fish face when you can keep an eye on the two hot mares with you?”

“Okay, now I know for sure I’m an MS character,” Wanderer D groaned. “Things shouldn’t be this easy.”

“Don’t flatter yourself,” Octavia spoke up. “I don’t share Vinyl’s random interest in sea ponies.”

Wanderer D smiled. “Thank the gods.”

“But you do have a pretty interesting accent…” Octavia said, lowering her head just a little bit enough for her mane to fall in front of her eye. “How did you get it?”

“It’s not fair!” RandomgodproxynamE exclaimed.

Wanderer D groaned and lifted a hoof to his head. “Shut up! You’re talking too loud!”

“You got them drunk and seduced them!” RandomgodproxynamE whined. “That’s not fair!”

Wanderer D looked down at the two mares currently hugging him, snoring softly and—in Vinyl’s case—drooling cutely. He blinked and smiled slowly as details from the last night came back to him. “It was a good night. I’m glad I had seduced them enough halfway through the seventh round. I think the fish thing might’ve been a bit too much even with that amount of alcohol.”

“But! You cheated!”

“I did not!” Wanderer D complained. “You’re the one that turned me into a trout and left me with mary-sue like powers! What did you expect would happen?”

“Character development! Drama! Love triangles! You being in a life-or-death situation that keeps the audiences at the edge of their seats!”

Wanderer D shook his head. “Sorry bro, but you don’t get that with shity writting unless you’re anony—”

“But this is not writing!”

“It’s the same principle, RandomgodproxynamE,” Wanderer D said, shrugging. “A crappy idea like what you did should be done with in less than 5k words of writing, or if it’s happening, one night with Mary Sue powers is more than enough to solve any half-assed quest you barely planned.”

“But—”

“Nothing! Go away. Seriously. Turn human and write this crap. I bet there’s plenty of people that will jump into the bandwagon just for shits and giggles. But I’m done.”

RandomgodproxynamE stared at Wanderer D for a full minute before sniffing. “I’m gonna make a youtube video complaining about you! I’ll post threads in 4chan saying how bad you are! I hate you!”

Wanderer D laid back in bed, snuggling up to the two mares. “Close the door on the way out.”

With a ‘poof’ the nagging creature was gone and Wanderer D smiled. He was about to close his eyes when a light around his flank drew his attention down to it. He stared at his new Cutie Mark for a moment. "A Ban Hammer." He grinned. "Poultron would be proud."

He was about to close his eyes when a whirring sound filled the whole apartment, finally waking up both mares next to him.

“What’s going on?!” Vinyl called over the noise.

A police phone booth materialized in the middle of their living room, it’s doors opening to reveal a group of very irritated mares, and a wildly grinning Discord.

“Wanderer D,” Luna spoke, glancing at the mares in bed, who were both trying to bow and cower at the same time. “You have acquired two more lovers?”

Wanderer D grinned. “Um, Luna, this is Octavia… and this is Vinyl Scratch. They’re musicians. And they drink a lot more than I do.”

Luna glanced at them. “Very well, they shall join our herd. Come on, all of you. We’re off to the castle.”

Vinyl and Octavia walked into the TARDIS a bit dubiously.

“Why the castle?” Octavia finally asked.

“We need to all get married.” Luna declared. “Wanderer is back to his unicorn form, which is pleasing to all of us.” She smiled. “I have ensured that he has kept one single Mary Sue ability while discarding all others.”

Trixie frowned. “And what ability would that be?”

“Godly Stamina.”

Wanderer D cringed. “Um… okay. Uh… before we do that, I have a single request.”

Luna raised an eyebrow. “And what would that be, husband?”

“Can I see my own funeral?” Wanderer D grinned. “I heard it was interesting.”

Author's Notes:

Yeah, I know. Not a worthy ending for a year or so of waiting, right? But, I’ve wanted to finish this for a while so, I finally have put a cap on it. No more updates for WD: THiEE! Woo! I’m sure I’ll keep dying regardless, but this time it won’t be chronicled.

Also, all random references to people, groups and stories that appear in this chapter are all purely on purpose.

Oh, and this is completely unedited.

~WD