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The One Where Pinkie Gets Even

by Justice3442

Chapter 1: Chapter 1: It’s a Lovely Day in the Netherhood

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The One Where Pinkie Gets Even

Chapter 1: It’s a Lovely Day in the Netherhood


Upon contact with the bulbous pile of pink, Discord’s tongue sent a delightful feeling of chilly, cotton candy sweet flavor up to his brain. It was a feeling and taste so welcome on this unseasonably warm day of the year. Around this time, Discord usually set his realm to a brisk minus five under absolute zero, but the fact that he had the occasional guest or mail pony who couldn’t survive having their flesh flash-frozen at a temperature so low that time started to flow backwards meant that adjustments had to be made.

And yet, nopony ever thanked him for that. Oh well.

Though the pink mound of icy sweetness was still much, much warmer than the magically created super cold of beyond entropy itself, it still felt fantastic against his physical tongue. Having a physical form really was best--a physical form one could change at their whims, of course. Physical forms usually had their limits, but if one had the power to change it as they see fit… well… they were living la dolce vita… or perhaps la vita loca.

“Ahem…” a feminine voice called out.

That’s funny… the floating trees don’t usually try to get my attention until after 33:30 DM… Discord took another lick of his sweet treat, putting out the neon fires that engulfed his train of thought and ushering back in the horde of winged snakes before letting it continue on its winding, loop-de-loop journey. He made a mental note to see a one-eyed, triangular-shaped friend of his and rub in the ability to become corporeal… Unless of course, the old dog had finally figured out a way to make himself tangible.

“Excuse me!

My, the trees are uppity today. Did I miss an unwatering, or—

Discord’s train of derailed again as he turned. The neon fires completely engulfing the cars, the tracks, and changing all the winged snakes into colorful rocket-bats that would have to be collected later.

So engrossed in his treat and his thoughts was he that he forgot he had a guest! Oh, and he was being ever so rude to his pink pony guest that he had hung upside down by her tail on one of the branches of a floating tree before he stole her hair to create his frosty treat. He hadn’t even offered her a lick!

“Oh where are my manners?” She wouldn’t know. Discord had put them in an undersea locker eons ago, and it was always such a pain to call up his associate Davy and get them out. Discord offered some of the delicious pink hair cream. “Care for a lick? A bite? I mean it is your hair.”

“You know…” Pinkie began in a tone that meant she was cross with Discord and probably about to get whiney “… when you invited me over, I expected more snacks and less eating my hair!” she finished shrilly.

Well now she was just being unreasonable! “What?! I just offered you a delicious treat! Literally a few seconds ago!” Discord glowered at Pinkie and point a claw from his lion’s paw. “Don’t make me rewind time to prove it! I still haven’t worked out all the kinks… and you would not believe how hard it is to resemble every single hamster in the world after they’ve been simultaneously exploded by cosmic microwaves.”

Pinkie threw her arms up… or down in this case. “You offered me my own hair!” her shrill tone remained.

“And it’s delicious!

“I know! That’s why I keep it on my head!”

Discord took another lick of his… Pinkie’s… the delicious hair cream treat. “Ok so we’re sharing, it seems!” Discord motioned out with his lion’s paw, letting it flop about and do a few complete 360 degree rotations on his wrist. “Isn’t that the point of this whole exercise? For me to get to know you ponies more individually and learn more about friendship?”

Pinkie Pie took a deep breath. Discord could tell it was meant to calm her. He could also tell by the beat of her heart, the flow of her blood, and myriads of other signals from her body that it wasn’t quite working.

“I know you’re trying! But every pony who visits you ends up angry or traumatized!”

“Fluttershy enjoyed herself!”

Pinkie’s eyebrows tightened. “Fluttershy didn’t talk for three days after she left your house!”

Discord smiled wickedly. “And that’s somehow unusual?”

Pinkie narrowed her eyes. “Touché, Discord, touché.” She leveled an accusatory forehoof at Discord. “But what about everyone else? Dashie came back with all her colors dripping off of her!”

Discord rolled his eyes, letting them wobble a bit before they stopped back in place. “I was teaching the girl about humility! She seemed a little too proud of her rainbow mane. I figured a few days without it would give her some much needed perspective!”

“Speaking of looks, Rarity was in-con-solable after you messed with her hair!”

“But I thought she was trying to turn her hair and tail into springs! I mean, look at it! I merely completed the look.” Discord said as he examined his lion’s paw with a bored expression. He grinned at Pinkie. “You have to admit it was fun watching her bounce around.”

“Watching, yes,” Pinkie said. “Listening to her terrified scream-sobs… not so much.”

Hmmm… Remind me to teach you how to detach your ears, it’s ever so useful.”

Pinkie glared, then her expression softened as she seemed to be thinking of the proposal, then she glared again. “Later. Look, Applejack did not like becoming an apple…”

“We were discussing the silliness of sayings such as ‘you are what you eat!’”

Spike is still getting over your attempt to play ‘Power Ponies’ with him!”

“How was I supposed to know his mind would crack under trying to exist as seven different characters at once?!”

“And Twilight is still repairing a wing of her castle after she accidently summoned some sort of… some sort of… squiddy… teeth monster with a book you lent her!”

“I’m sorry, but I am the Lord of Chaos! What did she think a book from me would do?”

“It was a cookbook,” Pinkie said flatly. “Sooooo in this case, help her make a hay and oats casserole.”

Discord raised his talon and paw up into a shrug. “Casserole, fifth-dimensional tentacle monstrosity? What’s the difference?”

“Ponies usually eat casseroles, not the other way around.”

Discord paused,his lips rebelling, toppling the parts of his muscle that were making him seem annoyed, and ascending upwards into a grin. “Touché, Pinkie, touché.”

Pinkie continued, “I just don’t think you’re taking this very seriously.”

The dethroned frown muscles quickly regathered their forces and crushed the insipid ‘grin rebellion’. “Why I’ll have you know, I’m taking this as serious as I have ever taken anything before!”

Pinkie rolled her eyes. “Oh come on! We both know that’s not saying much.”

Discord crossed his arms and turned away. “Hmmmph, like you're one to talk.”

“Excuuuuuuse me?

Discord turned back around. “Oh please, Pinkie Pie is going to lecture anypony on being serious!?”

Pinkie Pie extended her forelegs and used her tail to swing her body on herself upwards. She grabbed Discord by the head and placed her own face little more than a horse hair’s breadth away from Discord’s. “I may not be the most serious pony out there… I may even be one of the least serious, but I always, always, always take friendship very seriously!”

As Pinkie’s vice-like grip squeezed on his head, Discord found himself quite taken aback. Taken aback in the sense that his train of thought, a Friendship Express currently conducted and occupied with dinosaurs at the moment, derailed violently off the tracks, careening into an active volcano and causing a mass extinction event that wiped out the rest of their kind.

Discord calmly raised a car jack with his Lion’s paw, placed it in-between Pinkie’s forelegs, and cranked the jack so it extended, forcing Pinkie to let go of him. He then raised his delicious treat up to his mouth which he opened wide.

“Don’t you dare!” Pinkie said as she now swung back and forth like a pendulum on the tree branch.

The hints of a smile appeared on his open mouth as Discord chomped down on the hair and swallowed it in one bite. Shame too, he was really enjoying the taste.

Discord heard the sound of teeth grinding against each other. “I’m going to make your life a living nightmare!”

Discord looked up, surprised Pinkie was capable of such a threatening tone, or the near-homicidal expression that went with it.

Still, what did he have to fear? He, the Lord of Chaos?

Discord threw the ice cream cone behind him, impaling his mail box which let out an anguished cry of pain. He simply smiled and reached out to pluck Pinkie off the tree with his eagle talon. “Well, I did so enjoy your little visit, but I have ever so much messing-up to do….” Discord said as he began walking across the grass, open air, and pile of heads that were always screaming.

“Don’t think this is over!” the mane-less pink pony added.

She was right... in a way, Discord was going to have to have another ‘talk’ with Twilight over his behavior… probably Fluttershy, too… He’d apologize to Pinkie. Say he was still learning… Maybe sprinkle in some tears… The ponies always seemed to eat that right up… Oh, it was all so tedious…

But I guess that’s all part of working the kinks in this friendship business… He mused as he opened an ornate wooden door that was quickly burning down to solid metal.

“That was a lot of fun!” Discord said. “We should really do it again sometime! How long does it take hair to grow back again?”

“Night. MARE!” Pinkie said through clenched teeth.

Discord unceremoniously tossed Pinkie back into a boring reality still bound by the laws of physics, time, and whatever magic could impose on it.

Before the metal door closed shut Discord heard a determined “It. Is. ON!

‘SLAM!’

Discord paused for just a moment. Pony or not, Pinkie wasn’t anything close to ordinary, any being could see that.

Discord smiled to himself. Still… She was, after all, just a pony. What could she really do?

“We’re not thirsty enough!” a familiar whine floated across the spiraling ether.

Ah, there were the trees. Right on… right on schedule…

Discord narrowed his eyes and the floating trees screamed as they were suddenly ripped asunder by pure chaotic energy.

He shook his head. Order in my realm? His smile returned. Perish the thought.

Next Chapter: Chapter 2: Sweet, Sweet, Highly Flammable Victory Estimated time remaining: 51 Minutes
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