A Musician's Guide To: "Whatever this is"
Chapter 4: Chapter 4: Big Kicks And Crazy Chicks
Previous Chapter Next ChapterI woke up the next day to some less than pleasant noises in the next room.
When Feather said Chrome had 'had a couple drinks' I didn't think she meant he'd drank the bar dry! Because it certainly sounded like he had, that morning.
I slipped into my clothes and quietly left the house. Making sure to stay out of Chrome's way. Breakfast could wait, that guy needed his space for now. And I had things to do. It was a fairly early morning, seven or eight o'clock I think. I went straight to Hazel's place, hoping the clothes would be done by now, I wanted to get back to Celestia to find out more about the music that happened the day before. Hazel's head lifted to the sound of the bell above the door chiming as I walked in. She was making some kind of dress or something in the back of the room.
She beamed at me. "Oh, Good morning Dan! Here for your clothes? They are over there on the counter ready for you. I could not figure out what your's were made out of, so I improvised. I hope that's okay." I walked up to the clothes and felt them, they were all very soft. Perfect, I hate rough clothes.
"No, these are great! Perfect even. Thanks Hazel." She opened her mouth to respond but I cut her off. As much as I hated to do that. "I would love to stay and catch up-" She deflated slightly "-But I have got to get back to Celestia." She immediately perked up again.
"You know the Princess?" She asked in wonder.
"I wouldn't say KNOW." I said. "But I have talked to her every day since I got here." Granted that was only the third day I had been there, that was not a long time, but she didn't have to know that. "Thanks again for the clothes!" I said as I began my walk to the door.
"Oh, its quite alright. Have fun with the Princess!" She said as I left. I waved at here through one of the large windows as I walked away, she returned it.
I put the new clothes in one of the empty drawers in my room at Chrome's place. He was still groaning on the sofa as I walked past, so I let him get his rest. I swiftly began walking towards the palace gates, I had remembered the route I took the day before. It took me about 20 minutes of walking to get there last time, I think I halved that time in my rush to get there.
As I walked through the gates I was stopped my the guards extending their weapons in front of me, I legit almost walked into them. But I caught myself. "I am here to see Celestia, she wanted to see me."
"Civilian visiting hours begin tomorrow at nine." The guards said in unison, I expect they have to say this often, judging by how bored they sounded.
"Celestia told me to meet her today. I can't do that with you in my way. So technically you are forcing me to dis-obey her orders. Isn't that, like, the opposite of your job?" I was hoping those guys were idiots.
"Don't use your games on us." Damn it "No-one gets in without a per-" He was cut off my a voice behind me.
"Don't worry boys." The familiar voice said. "He's with me." They both stood aside and started to salute but hesitated then began lowering their hooves, I turned to see Feather. She stood there with clenched teeth and small irises, doing a bunch of silent 'stop it' hoof-motions. She froze when I looked at her and snapped back into normal position. I was right, see was a military SOMETHING. But she didn't want me to know for some reason. I pretended not to see her obvious slip-up. She quickly ushered me inside with a hoof. And closed the doors behind us.
I had to say something. "I noticed, you know." I said as I began the walk to the throne room again. It was a pretty lengthy walk, so I had time to talk.
"Noticed what?" She said, pulling her best 'who? innocent little me?' face she could.
"Look, I know you're in the military." She stared at me.
"How did you know? The visions?"
"What? Oh, those. No. I didn't know, it WAS just a suspicion. But that... episode at the door and you asking me how I knew kind of just proved to me that you were. You would only ask me how I knew if it were true." She hung her head and sighed. "And your cutie mark gave it away a bit as well." She stopped walking and stamped a hoof on the ground. I stopped slightly ahead of her and turned to her.
"Nopony's supposed to know." She said in frustration. "Please don't tell anypony, please!" She wrapped her hoofs around my waist. "If they knew what I have done in my past they would never look at me the same way! Please!".
"Woah, woah, hey now." I put my hands around where her front legs meet her body and lifted her to my eye level. And ponies are heavy, so this took a lot of effort. "I wasn't going to tell anypony. Besides, no matter what you did 'in your past' it can't be as bad as some of the things my species has done!".
"I doubt that. I'm a monster, Dan." She tried to free herself from my grasp, but only succeeded in looking slightly more cute. I stared at her as coldly as I could.
"Bombs exist here right?" She stopped squirming.
"...Yeah...why?" she asked, dreading the answer.
"You think your a monster?" She slowly nodded. "My species has designed a type bomb that is specifically made to destroy entire countries and render the land it hit uninhabitable for years afterwards." Please, take the bait.
She snorted. "Designing is one thing-" I cut her off. SHE TOOK IT.
"And multiple have been used." Her eyes widened. "On countries, cities full of people." Her mouth dropped. "I don't know the population count is here, but its probably nowhere near seven billion. Imagine how many ponies there would be per city if there were seven billion of them in total." She just stared past me.
"Excuse me, sir?" A voice said behind me. I looked around to see myself surrounded by palace staff, servants and cleaners. All staring at me in horror. I turn to see a group of around ten guards. The one in the front continued, "Come with us please, sir. We would like to have... a chat, with you." Oh god, screw that. I slowly put Feather down, who at some point had turned completely catatonic. And turned to face them.
"Okay, I submi-" I said before turning, leaping over a servant's head and booking it to the throne room. The noise behind me was a terrible mixture of metallic clangs, yelling and hoofs. It took me about 30 seconds to get the rest of the way there, since we were already pretty close when she stopped.
I remembered the throne-room doors being both push and pull, so I legit drop kicked them open with both legs. Celestia leaped from her throne and paperwork went flying everywhere. "LOCK THEM! LOCK THEM! LOCK THEM! LOCK THEM!" I yelled as I practically flew into the room. Once I hit the ground I did a 180 and found both doors closed and glowing in Celestia's magic. Wow, she actually locked them.
"What's out there Dan?" Celestia asked in a serious tone as she set me in front of her with her magic.
"Guards." I said non-shalontly. Celestia paused.
"...Why were you running from the guards?" She asked, concerned.
"I may or may not have accidentally traumatized a couple ponies while proving something to a friend." Celestia lifted a hoof off of the ground. "And that friend may or may not have fainted from what I said." Her hoof rose to her eye level and stopped. "And I may or may not have broken a couple bones in my legs by drop-kicking your door." It was very painful, I think the only reason I was still able to talk was the adrenaline rush running gave me, mixed with the fact she was levitating me still, so there was no weight on my legs.
Her hoof smacked into her nose. Oh she didn't just...
"Dan, you're an idiot." I was speechless. After a pause, she asked "What did you say to them?"
"I described the effects of the most powerful weapon humans have ever made." Her hoof lifted off the ground again. I pointed at her. "Don't you da..." My hand slowly fell, my vision began to narrow. She smiled. That smile quickly turned to worry as she realized I was passing out. The doors bursting open was the last thing I heard before I lost consciousness.
***
I was unconscious for the next couple hours. I faded in and out of consciousness, but never moved. I can only recall snippets of conversations.
..."-him back, Sister! He is nothing but a burden."
"No, he may be unpleasant at times, but he has shown some promise. And he gives an opportunity we rarely get."
"And what is that?"
"A chance to make-"...
..."-ou sure you can handle this? We could get a trai-"...
..."No, its quite alright, I have him stable. Though he is unli-"...
***
"...an..." Uhg...
"...Dan..." Hm... wha...
"Dan, wake up." Celestia?
My eyes were to heavy to open. So just moaned. "Hm?" The sound reverberated around inside my head. Uhg, my head. What happened? I lifted a hand up to my head, but a blunt object stopped it half way.
"Dan, it's okay." Celestia pushed my hand back down. "You just fractured a leg and hit your head on the floor as you landed." That's why my head hurts, I hit the ground pretty hard, I probably have a concussion or something.
"Just?" I asked, I had never broken a bone, or passed out before. So this was big for me.
"Well, that wasn't that big of a fall." Maybe for you. "And you seem a little more... fragile... than us ponies." I squinted my eyes open just to see her face. Exactly what I expected; her usual small smile, but with a bit more cheek than usual.
"What are you saying?" I said, as I crossed my arms. I will admit that moving my arms took a lot of effort, but it was worth it.
Her smile dissapeared "Oh, nothing like that." Then it came back, stronger. "Just that a pony would have probably..." I tried my best to glare at her, while keeping the harsh light out of my eyes. "Coped... better than you did." I just closed my eyes and huffed.
"You're just lucky that it's hard for me to move right now, or I may have pretended to be offended by that." I wouldn't have done anything, that just sounded cool. "But it's true, I have seen ponies do things that would kill humans instantly... Don't get any ideas." I did not want to test to see if it were true. She chuckled. That's not a good sign.Damn I'm thirsty, who knows how long I was out for.
"Don't worry, I won't. There is water beside your bed if you need it," Oh great, she can read minds now. "and you were unconscious for around 5 hours." Sometimes I really do think she can read my mind. I thought some really nasty things at her to see if she would react, she just looked at me weirdly, since I was just staring at her with narrowed eyes for 30 seconds or so, before I gave it up. I think she realized what she had done, since her smug grin returned.
Then it smoothed. "You should keep off your feet for at least the rest of today, while the magic works it's ma- I mean, fixes your leg. I guess our discussion can wait until another time. This time I will come to YOU, since you did such a good job at the alternative today."
"Meh, I'm okay with that. I get some really weird looks on the street anyway."
"Yes, I have noticed that." Great, she's been watching me too. "But I have a solution of sorts for you, but that can wait until our discussion later. For now I need you to talk to my sister." Blood status: frozen.
"A-are you sure? She's only ever seen me once and I don't think I made a very good impression."
"That's exactly why I need you to meet her, prove to her that you are not as bad as you seem."
"But... I am. I tone myself down when I am around ponies, which is all the time nowadays."
"You didn't do much 'toning down' in the throne room the other day." That god-damn grin.
"God-dammit Celestia, you know what I meant." Her eyes widened slightly and her grin disappeared. I then realized I had slipped up. God-dammit. I flinched and shielded my eyes when her wings spread, feather-tips lit like candles. Towering over me she stared down at me with blank, white glowing eyes. I lowered my arms and stared at her, terrified.
"THAT'S CELESTIA-DAMMIT TO YOU! I AM YOUR 'GOD' NOW!"
I won't write exactly what I said, because I can't remember what I said in the rush I was in and I am pretty sure it was so pathetic I would never right it here anyway. Basically I begged for my life. That's when her horn glowed and she returned to normal. Then said "You know I was joking right?" I was pissed, and that's an understatement.
I looked at her, twisted my face into the coldest stare I could muster with blurry, reddened eyes. And said "No, I didn't." I said, in a tone that was much colder than my teary-stare. She looked down, hummed, then teleported out of the room. Oh god what is she doing now.
I looked around the room I was in, since it seemed i would be in there for a while, leg fractured and all. I don't know why Celestia wouldn't have her 'discussion' right then and there. It was private and quiet. oh well. I was sitting upright in a bed with my back to a propped up pillow, placed between me and the wall. The whole room was decorated in either green, white or gold. The greens being all of the fabrics, including the curtains, drawn across the small window. The whites and golds covered the rest of the furniture, which was; the base of my bed, the drawers either side and their respective lampshades. Only one of the lamps were turned on, so I turned on the other, since it was getting rather dark in that room. Seeing that, I opened the curtains with a very stretched reach, that's when I remembered I had passed out, it was pitch black outside and rain was hammering the glass, as soon as i peeled back the second curtain a flash of lightning rumbled across the sky. Scaring me for a second, before I remembered that storms were awesome. The ponies didn't think so, though.
I sat and appreciated the storm for a while, just sitting, looking out of the small window and watching the skies twist and contort. I could not help but think about what Celestia could be doing, she left without saying goodbye, and with a thoughtful look on her face. I was worried. I was also feeling guilty about how i treated Feather, she didn't know any better, she probably hates me now, since i proved to her that I AM a monster. Even if it was to prove that SHE wasn't. Hopefully she doesn't tell anypony, well, hopefully all those guards and palace staff don't tell anypony. But they will, I bet. What else do they have to do? I imagine those jobs are incredibly boring, me doing that might just have made some of their days. I was hoping news of my injuries would reach Feather soon, I couldn't move, apparently, so I needed her to come to me, so I could apologize. Seeing me defeated by a door would likely make her less scared of me, which she probably is now. How will Chrome react when he finds out what happened?
I was completely lost in thought, when my door slowly creaked open about an inch, then shut again. I whipped my head in that direction. A LOT of things were wrong with that. A. LOT.
One: Someone/thing was messing with my door.
Two: They could be on either side, with magic here, anything is possible.
Three: Doors, in a well-maintained palace with hundreds of workers and staff, DO. NOT. CREEK.
I stared at the door. It felt like the room had got darker somehow, not an overly noticeable amount, just enough to throw me off slightly. I turned my attention to the lights either side of me, they were on, and as bright as ever. I looked back to the door, to try and figure out what was going on. I froze. That side of the room was completely dark. Void of color. I could not even see the light coming in from around door. It was as if all the light was just being absorbed once it reached a certain distance from my bed. Then that distance began to close in on me. Swirling shadows became more dense as the walls around me darkened, the lights dimmed. I look to the window, hoping for some lightning to illuminate my room, even for a second. I had no idea what was going on. I wonder what floor i am on... Maybe I could just jump through the window and run away... oh, yeah, my leg...
I sat in silence as my room slowly turned a pitch black. I tried my best to keep composure, whatever was causing this was likely sentiant, knowing Equestria. I mean, the door would only creek if this was MEANT to be scary, this is a cartoon world after all, so if I wasn't scared, it would leave. Right? Wrong, the darkness lingered.
10 minutes later I had relaxed considerably, if it wanted me dead it would have done so by then. Welp, got to put all those lessons I learnt from Equestria in action, and try to talk to it. If anyone was watching I must have looked like a lunatic.
"So." I said out loud, in my best 'confident voice'. "What do you want from me? One who hides in the darkness." The blackness seemed to recoil around me when I first spoke, then flow back in slowly. Like the ocean's waves on a flat beach. I looked around the room, hopelessly, I still could not see. My eyes should have adapted by now, this darkness is not natural.
Turns out, someone WAS watching. The darkness ceased it's grasp on the room and relieved what I had feared, and expected. Princess Luna. The lightning chose the moment of her reveal to strike three times in rapid succession, casting ghastly shadows across the room, and causing Luna's eyes appear to glow a bright white. Badass. I didn't flinch at the lightning. If I wanted this to go well I had to show her that I am neutral ground, un-bias. Being afraid of her would put me into the same category as some of the ponies, I needed to remain un-categorized if I wanted this to work out.
I pulled a very small smile at her when I figured out it was her, though I doubt it even showed on my face. She looked at me with a neutral expression. And I don't mean Celestia's version of neutral, which is a small, knowing, smile that never ceases to annoy me; this look was completely void of all feeling. Just looking. Not staring. I found myself becoming uncomfortable under her gaze, but I did my best to hide it. I attempted to wait her out, but got bored and very uncomfortable. So I decided to speak up first, it passed her almost complete control over the conversation, but I was okay with playing her games for now.
"Princess Luna," I only used the title because I doubt she would accept as much dis-respect as Celestia did. "It is nice to properly meet you." I said, emphasizing on my small smile, making sure it was visible in the, once again, lit room. Her exterior barely changed.
"Yes, it must be. Considering the last time we met, you were hardly 'proper'." Ouch. This was going to be harder than I thought. At least it seemed she was a lot better at suppressing her more archaic style of speech than I expected. "My sister insisted that I talk to you. For a reason she withheld from me." I wasn't about to play Celestia's game.
"She" - Luna scowled slightly at my choice of wording. - "told me that I should talk to you too. Something about 'making up for a bad first impression' or something like that." She didn't react. I continued. "So I'm... I'm sorry for that scene I made in the throne room."
"Which one? The one where you fled from the law, interrupted my Sister's crucial work and damaged a pair of unique, antique doors? The one where you publicly disrespected both me, and my Sister then proceeded to upset my Sister for a second time. Or the one where you upset my Sister for the first time?" God. Damn.
"..." I realized how I must look through her eyes, and attempted to work with that. "...All three?" I asked, shrugging nervously.
"And what makes you think that I would accept those apologies?" AND. If she had left that word out, I would have considered myself screwed. I decided attempting to induce a form of pity was my best bet here.
"Nothing." Her composure shuffled slightly. "I don't expect you to ever forgive me, since I have..." I used her words, I recognized her voice from when I was passed out. "...been nothing but a burden to you, and your sister." She seemed satisfied with that at least. "I do not deserve to be in this land, as it is much better that the one of which I came. But not deserving something, does not mean I can't appreciate it. This place is a lot more peaceful and quite different, society-wise, from my world." I hit a chord with that last sentence. Just as planned. "I really should thank whoever decided to bring me here." For some reason, she had a guilty look on her face about that. But it cleared.
"We- I understand having to change with the world around us. And I know it can be difficult at times. Maybe if we knew more about the place of which you came, we could help you adapt, you say it's a bad place, but how bad could it be? We are old, my sister and I. And could likely handle anything you have experienced in your short lifetime."
"I'm sorry, but I will hold that information to myself for now. I don't want to do to you what I have done to Celestia twice now."
"Our mind is more hardened than our Sister's." Our? What's causing that? Defending herself? Or putting her sister down?
I decided to test something. "Tell me, what do you think of death?" She was caught off guard with the question. She thought for a second.
"Is a terrible thing, death. Though, it is inevitable. Mostly." She said solemnly.
"Wrong answer. I can't tell you anything." She almost looked angry for a second, before a curious look replaced it.
"What answer would have granted me access to your world's history?"
"Death is good." She was taken aback, but I continued. "Clearing out the old, weak and dim. And making way for the young, strong and smart. A necessity. Something that should not be taken lightly, but often is." She didn't respond after a couple seconds, so I kept talking to avoid a weird silence. "We humans think of death so lightly in fact, we have made jokes and sayings about it. For example, imagine a cart's wheel falls of during a cargo-run. Where a pony might say 'gosh darn it'," - Luna gasped at my apparently explicit language. - "a human will likely say something more along the lines of 'Just kill me now' or, one of my personal favorites due to many factors, 'I wish I had died at birth'."
Luna was completely silent. She just stared at me, in what was probably dis-belief. This time I waited. She eventually responded.
"I have never heard such grotesque terms... and to use them in such a petty situation. And you say your species uses these terms frequently?"
"Not just those exact ones, there are many more, I just can't remember any more at the moment. But yeah, with a lot of variation." I said, shrugging.
"What about... foals? Are they exposed to such harsh words?"
"Well, a good parent would try and shield their children from language like that, among other explicit things. But such terms, along with some words I won't say here, were becoming more popular with the younger generations when I left. It is possible one day it will be a lot more common-place."
"Why can't you say the words you mentioned?"
"You gasped at the words 'GOSH DARN IT'! A child of any age where I come from could say that and no-one would even question it, it is so tame. It's actually a censored version of another term used by us to express frustration. I actually used it earlier today, with your sister. She didn't seem that shocked, though I know she is very good at hiding things like that. Ask her if you want to know about it, she will tell you if she thinks you should know."
"Why do you tell her but not me?"
"I was not as aware as I am now about how explicit it might be. Considering words that are literal child's-play to me are used as expletives, even if the term I used with your sister was still very tame in comparison to most of the others I know, it's still a MUCH worse version of 'gosh-darn'."
"I understand. You said Celestia was good at hiding her feelings? What do you mean?" Are you serious?.
"Just that. I mean, she hides her emotions sometimes, keeps things to herself, usually for the benefit of others. I can usually tell when she is doing it, but I can't tell what she is hiding when she does. And I think she knows. I mean, there is a reason she is the third-hardest Equestrian to read that I know of."
"I have noticed something silimar happening from time to time more recently. But third? Who are the top two?"
"The next one up is you."
"Really? Why? I know I can be seen as cold sometimes, but it is something I am working on."
"No, it's not that. But in the... visions, I got very little information on you. Very little... 'footage', if you will. So I do not know many of your characteristics and mannerisms, like I do with the other ponies. So I find it hard to figure out what you are feeling or thinking sometimes."
"How far back did the visions go?" I don't like where this is going.
"Well, I saw you and your sister turn discord to stone. And I saw you and your sister..." HOW. HOW do I put this?
"It's okay, continue." Few.
"Thanks, well, after that there is a long gap. I saw basically everything Twilight did ever since she declined Moon-dancer's party and went to Ponyville to oversee the summer-sun-celebration's proceedings up until now. I know quite a lot about the element holders, and have heard almost all of their 'friendship reports' or whatever they are called." She gave me a mock-sympathetic look on that one. "Yeah, it was as bad as it sounds. But yeah, I know quite a lot about those six, but not much about Celestia, and even less about you."
"Hm, okay, fair enough. I am sure if you wanted I could organize a meeting between me, you and my sister. We could discuss what you do and don't know, and fill any gaps." Smooth, Luna, smooth.
"I would be pretty down for that, though I don't really think I need a meeting to get to know you two, I have learned a lot over the last 3 days alone. Plus the only things I don't know about ponies are of an anatomical nature." Why did I say that... pleasedontaskpleasedontaskpleasedontask...
"Anatomical?" DAMMIT. Oh god, now I have to...oh god...
"Err, you know... skeletal structure... muscles... ORGANS..." One of her ears flicked, I WISH I KNEW WHAT THAT MEANT DAMMIT.
"Oh..." She said in an awkward tone. "That is... unfortunate." She paused. "Perhaps some schooling is in order" . . .
"That offer better be literal." I said within a second of the line leaving her mouth. Dammit, I am such an idiot.
"Of course it is, what else could it mea-" She stopped. She stared at me. "Di-.. d-did-" This boat has sprung a leak, better try to cover it up!
"Well, getting back on topic." I said quickly. "The number one on the list of Discord. Can't read that guy for love-nor-money! You know?" I laughed nervously.
"Did y- y- you jus-" This boats going down! Abandon ship!
"Welp, Princess, it was nice seeing you." I rushed to the edge of my bed. And put all my weight on my good leg. "But it's getting pretty late I thi-" I held up my invisible wrist watch. "Oh my! Look at the time, you really must be on your way, I am sure you have a LOOOT of Princess work to do!" I hopped over to her and pushed her statue-like form towards the door with my shoulder against the front of her chest.
Once I got her just outside the door I stepped back. She was just staring at me in complete shock and the guards were giving me some less than pleasant looks, partly due to the massive scratches now on the polished floor from Luna's hooves, plus the noises they made while they scraped the ground. "Okay, byyyyyeee" I said, waving my hand as I quickly shut the door. I then took a step, gave up and just fell onto my bed.
What had I done? If some of what I had read was to be trusted, this was going to be one hell of a ride if I don't get off it soon. Otherwise I would likely end up a madman. I mean seriously, these mannerisms man... What must I do to get rid of them?