My life is by no means perfect, hell if it was perfect I'd be the next Rocky Balboa. I'd be on top of the world as the greatest heavyweight boxer in existence, if only that was the case. I'm Mickey Young, I lost my parents in a car accident and was orphaned, both my parents were single children with their parents already dead. Fuck you too life, I never liked you anyways. I'm stuck in a world that isn't my own, this world is called Equestria and I hate the hell out of it. I wound up here from a car crash that's fucked up. I lose my parents in a car crash then I lost my entire world in a car crash. My car came with me though on the upside, right now that's the only upside I can find.

When I arrived I was admitted to the hospital I recovered pretty slowly I was 6'3 and 220 shoulder-length brown hair and one brown eye and one green. It's called heterochromia, a disorder where I have different colored eyes. I was given a physical when I did recover, so many tests and so many samples. The one sample that stood out among the rest was my sperm sample due to me having more X chromosomes than that of a regular stallion, I was sent to Canterlot to for further studies. They asked about the heterochromia and I told them it was a recessive trait. Then they asked what a recessive trait was, in all honesty that should have been the first red flag, the first noticeable red flag is when they gave me magic viagra that not only kept me stiff for hours on end, made me ejaculate more often, and made me even bigger.

Needless to say I was beyond pissed, I nearly murdered a person. I apologized and was luckily enough for the man to not press charges. The princesses arrived on scene and gave the the offer of becoming a 'breeder'. I told them that I'd rather live in the woods, so I did. That brings you to the present. I'm currently living in the Everfree forest, it's the closest thing to home that I'll ever find. I woke up to the sound of a screeching Falcon named Hawkeye.

"Shut up Hawkeye I'm up." I grumbled. I currently live in a huge ass tree I carved from the outside in. It was styled a lot like Twilight's library, I go there sometimes to check out a book anyways. "Quit screeching in my ears or I'm going to make scrambled eggs again." Hawkeye was a female. I was surrounded by a lot of animals, it was a deal I made after scaring off the local Timberwolf pack. That action had also earned me citizenship in Ponyville. There were my Squirrel friends that I named Chip and Dale. There were other animal friends and I sometimes invite Fluttershy out to my house. I know that she's not bold enough to make a move on me. In turn she brings me some seeds for my garden.

"Note to self, return AJ's garden tools." I mumbled while getting out of the bed I stole from the castle of the two sisters. In my opinion they deserve it. The garden tools I borrowed were another story.

"Hey AJ you mind if I borrow your garden tools?" I asked politely when I found her kicking trees.

"Naw ah don' mind but ah wan' somethin' out of it." She said taking a break.

"What exactly do you want out of it?" I asked.

"A good time." She wiggled her eyebrows. I knew what she was implicating and I didn't want any of it.

"Maybe I'll go ask Fluttershy." I started to walk away and she grabbed my wrist.

"Ah didn't say you could walk away." She said.

"I did, now let go." I warned.

"Nope."

"Final warning."

"I've been waiting to get my hands on you and your stuff for a while now." She grinned I wasn't about to be a pushover, I gave her a warning. I decked her so hard it knocked out one of her teeth. When Big Mac stomped around I explained to him what happened while AJ came around.

"I should've asked you first Mac." I said while walking off with the tools.

"I need to start my exercises." I said while walking downstairs. I opened the door to find more letters of adoration. I took the time to sort through them.

"Ditzy, The spa sisters, Fluttershy asking me how the animals are, Twilight, Rainbow asking to fight, Pinkie's party invitation, and complaints." I burned most of the letters except the invitation, the letter from Ditzy, Rainbow, and Fluttershy. I ran out and started punching the air while the soundtrack to Rocky played through my eardrums. I went on the trail that I usually go through, It went around white tail woods through froggy bottom bog and ended at the edge of Ponyville. It's not that I don't like the town it's just that too many people that come on to me. I had enough of these ponies so I rarely go out. I was finishing my daily run and found that Rainbow was waiting for me. I paused my music and looked at her. "What do you want Dash?"

"To fight."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, nopony can be more awesome than I am!"

"You do realize that I'm not a pony and thus you maintain your reputation?"

"I- well uh- ok?" She stammered. The best way to beat Dash is to make her think.

"You just think on that, and before you ask. I'm not interested." I said.

"So tomorrow as always?" she asked.

"Sorry but I have to disarm my potato clock before it explodes and I'm left without a home."

"That's the same excuse you used last week!" She stomped.

"Then lemme tell you a riddle. If you can solve this without any outside help by tomorrow. I'll fight you then maybe if I'm in the mood I'll pork you."

"Really?"

"It's a 15% chance for the last one, here's the riddle I'm standing in the corner but I travel all over the world. What am I?"

"So tomorrow?"

"Yes but you have to have an answer for the riddle."

"Okay, you know thinking makes my brain hurt."

"Exercise makes you hurt, just think about it exercising the brain."

"See ya." She said and flew off.

"Same to you Dash." I walked back to my house and stuffed the tools in the back of my truck, with Twilight's help I converted it to run on the ambient magic in the area. I started it up and drove to SAA. I honked the horn when I came across Mac. "Hey Mac I got your tools!" I shouted at him.

"Thanks Mickey."

"Is AJ here?"

"She's running the stall in the market today."

"Thank god."

"Hey I think I might have a job for you if you want it."

"What is it?"

"There's a huge rock in the planting fields and I can't pull it up. Do you think you can?" He asked. I looked back at my Chevy Avalanche, it had at least 360 horsepower and grinned.

"I think I can."

"Are you sure this is the only way to do it?" Mac asked.

"If you have any other alien friends that are constantly hounded by mares and stallions that has a machine that can out preform 360 ponies then by all means get them to do it."

"Stallions?"

"I swing both ways."

"Really?"

"I only like you as a friend Mac." I replied automatically.

"Damn." He grunted.

"I'd be willing to consider it if you ever came out to your family." He gulped audibly, "That's what I thought." I finished wrapping the chain around the rock. I should ask Rarity if I was digging up Tom. She'd slap me but also come on to me and try to make me clothing. She freaked when she found out my favorite black jacket was made out of leather. I hopped in the cab of the truck and pressed the gas until I was met with resistance I pressed the gas again and the truck lurched forward slowly pulling the rock out as it did. Finally I felt the resistance slacken and saw that the rock was out of the ground. I got out of the cab and looked at the rock it was almost too easy to pull out. "Hey Mac how long has this rock been here?"

"I'd say about since we found Sweet Apple Acres. Why?"

"Get me a chisel and a sledgehammer."

He came back with the tools relatively quick and I started to work on chipping away some of the stone and then I slammed the sledgehammer down on the rock as hard as I could. It cracked all the way through to reveal black diamonds. Now I know that gemstones are pretty common around here but one gem is not and that is black diamonds. "Mac I think I just solved your money problems." He looked at the black diamonds and he jumped into the air.

"YEEEHAAW!!!!!!!! Mickey you son of a mule I could kiss you right now."

"What's stopping ya?" I said and didn't regret it because he did kiss me, and I liked it. I cut him off before he could do anything else.

"Ahem, sorry 'bout that I'm just so damn excited. We can finally pay off the house and land, rebuild our barn the way we want to. I'm so damn happy right now." He started to cry, then he gave me a hug. "Thank you so much."

"Don't worry about it."

"What about you? Don't you want any of this?" Mac said while wiping his eyes he was finally calming down.

"The last thing I need is more money, that's just another reason for more ponies to go after me."

"Why don't you like the ponies that go after you?"

"I'm gonna level with ya Mac, I don't want to be treated like I'm some sort of object. Is it so wrong for me to want to be loved for who I am not what's hanging between my legs?"

"I agree, there's a difference between love an' lust. Before you go I have a question."

"Yeah?"

"Everypony I know calls me Big Mac, except you. Why is that?"

"Because it would just remind me of a cheeseburger."