I had trouble writing anything in the journal today, because something else has been preoccupying my mind for some time now. I've been keeping it under wraps because it's not quite the kind of thing I would enjoy making headline news.

The thing is, Tirek did something to me that I don't quite understand. Now, I've had my share of manipulative magic thrown my way. I've even (shock, horror) dabbled in a bit of it myself. You kind of have to know these things when you have my reputation. You have to know the spells and tricks people are likely to fling your way and you have to think twenty-seven steps ahead.

But I still don't completely understand what Tirek used on me.

You see, he betrayed me. He used me, and I'm loathe to admit he hurt me very badly and I'm even more loathe to admit that I'm sometimes tempted to go to Tartarus and visit him and...ask him for something. There are times when I want him back, because before he sucked all my powers out of me like an esoteric Dyson things felt good. You don't understand. I doubt anyone who ever reads this ever will. I had someone who doted on me, who gave me everything I wanted and needed, and then like a magician doing his ridiculously tacky tablecloth trick, pulled everything out from under me. So now I have to go cold turkey, because the truth is there is no such thing as someone who would love me unconditionally the way I thought Tirek loved me. Even the sex was part of his facade. He knew just what I liked and whatever I liked was given to me.

And yet at the same time I hate him; I viciously hate him, because he made a fool of me, because he lied to me and because he caused me to hurt so much that I just wish it would stop. And that's why I sometimes entertain the thought of going down to Tartarus and trying to rekindle what we had. But how is that even possible when there wasn't really anything there to begin with? I was tricked. I'm usually very good at picking up on when someone is trying to weasel with me, but he managed it. He clearly knows more about manipulation than I do. I think the only thing stopping me from going down there and trying something is any scenario I have currently dreamnt up in my mind where I smooth-talk him into making things up to me will most likely result in me begging, and that terrifies me.

Then of course there is Fluttershy. I don't think anything has baffled me more than the yellow pegasus that seems to dote on me. Especially after what I did to her. And now she wants to know why yours truly flung themselves off a cliff.

Maybe part of the reason is I just don't feel I can talk to anyone about how I feel. How am I supposed to look into her big baby blue eyes and tell her: "Oh yeah, hon, by the way. You know that whole thing with Tirek? We were partaking in the eight-legged frolick. Yeah, nothing to worry your pretty little head about. Your friend just happened to screw you all over for some horizontal polka."

Normally I don't feel ashamed about sex...except it wasn't just sex. It was nice to be the one who didn't have to worry about things for once. We could come to the end of the day (which was whenever I decided it was) and I could be in his arms and run my paw over them and feel safe. I didn't have to pretend to be someone else. I didn't have to curtail any of my powers because it was "rude" or "scary."

But Fluttershy is the one who hasn't given up on me, despite me convincing myself that siding with Tirek was the best strategy precisely because I felt she didn't care enough about me.

Irony has a cruel way of biting you hard in the flank.

Ow! No, wait...that's her accursed rabbit. Lost in thought, I had rolled over on the couch onto an enraged lagomorph who had sunk his mighty little incisors into my side.

"Why are you even sleeping on the couch, Little Bunny Cruel Cruel?" I snapped. "This is my space. You have the entire house to lounge about in."

Angel glared at me. I glared back, lowering my horn and antler threateningly.

"Is everything okay?" I glanced up to see Fluttershy in a bathrobe and slippers. She was holding an oil lamp.

"I heard you cry out," she said.

"Nothing to worry about, my dear," I replied. "Just a minor mishap with the rodent here."

"Angel!" she scolded. "Are you bothering Discord again? I told you he's not well and needs his rest. You can have the couch back when he's feeling better."

Or he jumps off the cliff again. I thought.

The rabbit scowled, leapt off the sofa and sped off to find somewhere else to snooze. The menace.

Fluttershy put down her oil lamp, removed her slippers and sat on the part of the sofa Angel had previously occupied. I much preferred her there in his place.

She leaned forward and checked my bandages. "Is everything okay?" she almost whispered, even though there was no one around to hear us.

"Oh, yes everything's fine," I said. Unfortunately halfway through that sentence I realized my tone of voice wasn't quite right. Fluttershy is incredibly empathic. She picks up on everything. She knew I was hurting before the Tirek incident, and to her credit she tried to mitigate it as best she could but what's done is done. And she noticed that right at that very moment, I wasn't fine.

Her hoof ran gentle circles over my paw. "Discord, like I said, I'm not going to make you talk about anything you don't want to talk about, but please know that I'm here for you and the last time you thought you couldn't talk to anyone you were wrong. I promise I'm here to listen, not judge."

I swallowed hard.

How would she react if she knew?

You can always throw yourself off the cliff again if things don't work out.

"Shut up!" I hissed.

"What?"

"No! Not you, Fluttershy. I mean...I..." I sighed with frustration. "Okay, yes. Something is bothering me, but I'm afraid if I tell you what's bothering me you...you might not like it. You might view me differently. I'm not quite sure I understand the situation myself."

"Maybe a different perspective will help."

There was silence for a bit, then I said: "I think Tirek did something to me."

"What do you mean? Are your powers working okay?"

"Yes, they're fine. That isn't quite what I meant. Fluttershy, I..."

I looked at her beautiful face staring back at me in the dim light. Why was this so hard? Throughout my life I'd made it a point to not give a monkeys what other people thought about me. That's how they get you. That's how Tirek got me. Now here was this tender, benevolent being giving me a second chance to be her friend and help me.

"Have you ever..." I started again. "Have you ever wanted to be with someone when you know they're bad for you?"

Yes, oh observant reader. I am aware of the irony of asking her that question. Give yourself a cookie.

"I have family members that have said upsetting things to me and I still love them even though they make me feel bad sometimes. Is that what you mean?"

"Something like that. Except I'm not talking about family and I'm not talking about intergenerational squabblings and making up again over the dinner table."

I realized one of my claws was digging into the couch and I pulled it out. The thread made a popping sound as the sharp talon released itself from the upholstery. Even when I'm still I'm destructive.

"You thought Tirek was your friend and you still want to be his friend?"

I told you she was empathic. She figured it out. Of course she hadn't figured the entire situation out, and if this problem was to be solved she did need to know the whole picture.

"Yes. But, I..."--my talon was wandering around the couch again--"We weren't just friends."

I gave her a pointed look, hoping I wouldn't have to say the words out right and she would figure it out herself.

"Oh..."

So it was out. And now she would think I was disgusting, but if I didn't tell her then I was worried I would end up doing something like going down to Tartarus.

"Why do I want him back, Fluttershy? I hate him. I hate him for what he did to me and what he did to you. And yeah, I helped him with the latter part but I only wanted him to steal pony's magic, not hurt anyone. I wouldn't have let him hurt you. Except, there wasn't much I could do when he stole my magic too. I just, I don't understand. He said I was amazing, and he gave me everything I wanted and I didn't have to change any part of myself to be liked. But he didn't like me. He was just using me, and it hurts and it feels like I want a time machine to go back to when everything felt good. In fact, I did consider bending time for a while just so I could have that feeling again, but deep down I know it would turn into the same clusterbuck." I was babbling. My talon and paw were now covering my face.

"He love bombed you," said Fluttershy.

I looked up at her. "Love bombed?"

"Yes. I read about it when I was at school and we were studying pony psychology. It's when an abusive partner pretends to be loving and showers their victim with physical and emotional gifts. It's meant to feel perfect and is usually a cover for the abuser getting what he or she wants."

I was startled. How did someone so seemingly innocent know all this?

"I also read that when the 'honeymoon period' in this type of situation ends it can feel like a massive withdrawal, because...um, all of the good feelings the abuser directed towards their partner were never real. It's like a shock to the system. And some ponies will do anything to get rid of that shock and emptiness, including going back to the abuser and asking to be loved again because it means all the good feelings will flood back if they do."

We were both silent for a bit, then Fluttershy continued: "I'm really sorry, Discord. I knew Tirek had hurt you, but I had no idea he had hurt you that badly."

I cleared my throat. If you think all of this wasn't a little embarrasing to me then you haven't been paying attention. However, any feelings of shame were overidden by my surprise at Fluttershy's calm assessment of the situation. I had expected her to at least recoil in disgust at the thought that I had been having snu snu with Equestria's mortal enemy. Nevertheless, I felt I had to do it for her.

"You must think I'm an even more awful person now."

"I don't..."

I laughed a little at that.

"I'm no better than he is because I did a similar thing to you and the others," I said. "I am a bad person because I do bad things, and quite frankly I'm almost baffled by the fact that you're so forgiving towards me."

"Why? Are you planning on doing it again?"

"No! Of course not."

"Then why do you think you're a bad pony?"

"I've done bad things! I wouldn't forgive me if I was you."

"Doing bad things doesn't necessarily make you a bad pony."

"In what universe?"

"Well, it's like Tirek. If he spent an hour a year doing something good, like feeding a bird with a hurt wing but spent the rest of the time hurting ponies and stealing their magic, that one good thing he did doesn't erase all the bad things he did."

Trust Fluttershy to use that example.

"You forget all the bad stuff I did before being reformed," I pointed out.

"I haven't forgotten it. But you are genuinely sorry and you are making an effort to change. Tirek doesn't want to change."

"You can't possibly be this forgiving," I said. "It's not safe for you to be this forgiving to everyone!"

"Why do you say that?"

Because I don't want anything to happen to you.

"Because I've seen the world. I know what people are like! Yes, there are good ponies like you but there are some phenomenally bad ones too.

Would you forgive someone like Chrysalis, or King Sombra?"

"But you aren't Chrysalis or King Sombra. They don't want friends and they aren't sorry."

"It's still not safe to make that the only criteria for trusting someone!" I insisted.

"Then what's the point?" she asked me.

"I don't follow."

"If I can't spend everyday being kind and loving towards my friends and learning to accept that no one is perfect, then what is the alternative? My friends make mistakes, I make mistakes. If I lived my life never forgiving anyone when things went wrong, or I decided to be a shut-in because there was the possibility that I could run into someone who could hurt me, then what kind of a life would that be? I...I nearly became a shut-in once. Ponies were mean to me when I was a filly. They called me weak and bullied me. Um... I nearly died, but Dashie was there to help me.  I still struggle with meeting new ponies and making friends, but I'm a much happier pony, because I learnt to accept that I deserved friendship."

I stared at her in wonder. Bitterness had not touched her at all.

She crawled up the couch, lay down next to me and hugged me. My arms went around her instantly.

"You're not a bad pony," she whispered, nuzzling at my chest feathers.

"Fluttershy," I said, resting my head on top of hers, "Don't you ever let other ponies tell you that you are weak."

Her breathing was slow and steady. She had fallen asleep. I leaned forward gently and blew out the oil lamp.

I wondered how she could feel so soft while being hard as nails.