Author's Notes:

This chapter is a crossover with nicranger's story Hichigo In Equestria

Hichigo Pov

“Alright so that was nuts,” I muttered to myself as I hovered above Ponyville.

It had been a couple of hours since I freed Luna from Nightmare Moon along with meeting Celestia and it had been a living hell for me. These girls were way too damn cute and hot yet they all seemed to live in a little girls world!

I still hadn’t told them of my true origin’s cause I just didn’t think it was important. That and the fact it wouldn’t really matter unless they could bend space and time which I highly doubted. And they say Celestia and Luna can raise and lower the sun and moon respectively? Yeah like I’m gonna believe that load of crap.

My thoughts were broken as I had to dodge a cake of all things from down below. Looking at where it came from I saw Pinkie giving me a sheepish smile as she had what looked like a cannon beside her. Where the hell does she keep that thing?

Just then I caught a slight glow in the corner of my eye. Wondering what it could be I use Sonido and appear beside the object in question only to gape at what I was seeing.

It was an energy sword from Halo embedded in a large stone. Oh damn if Master Chief is here I am going to flip my lid!

I walk around the stone for a minute or two seeing if it’s boobytrapped or waiting to see if Chief magically appears to ask for help in killing some Covies. Sadly nothing happened.

Disappointed in the lack of action I grab the handle of the blade and easily pull it out. Still nothing happened and now I was just getting irritated. Why the hell was this thing here to begin with!

"It's a sword not a fighter jet! No but in all seriousness, if you ever need someone to hack into technology or just talk or fight, summon me, Epsilon-Church." I suddenly hear.

I quickly turn around to see where the voice could be coming from but there was no one around me. I even tried to sense someone’s spiritual pressure yet all I could feel were a bunch of small animals.

Looking back at the blade I give a shrug and decide ‘what the hell.’

“I summon you Epsilon-Church! Now get your ass over here!”

Point Of View: Church

Me and my team consisting of Virgil and at least a couple hundred Lopez bots were riding in the pelican gunship when I heard, “I summon you Epsilon-Church! Now get your ass over here!” Oh shit.

Everything went white as my quantum pelican and the rest of the team were teleported to another Equestria.

After I say the words to summon this ‘Epsilon-Church’ character a portal opens up above me and a pelican is sent out of it.

I could only stare in shock at it for a good few second before I let out a whoop of joy. This was going to be fun.

Hoping to scare the crap out of someone I use Sonido to appear right in front of the pilot’s cockpit while yelling out, “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING ON MY LAWN!?”

The back hatch of the pelican suddenly opens and I nearly shit myself. Somehow the inside is much bigger than the outside and at least a couple hundred brown spartans, a blue spartan, and an elite general were all staring at me.

We stared at each-other for a good minute. Some of them were reaching for weapons as I held Zangetsu in my hand lazily.

“Hold.” The blue spartan says as he holds up a hand to the other spartans who comply without hesitation. “You summon me?”

“That depends blue boy. You Church?”

“That depends? Does the memory of the memory of Church count?”

“I don’t really care to tell you the truth.” He just shrugs.

“Wanna come in? Actually no scratch that. There appears to be a crowd forming around us.” And it was true. There were all the ponies in town just staring at the spartans and elite in shock.

Staring behind me I see the girls along with the Princesses staring at me accusingly.

“What?”

“What the buck are they doing here? And who are they,” demanded Dash.

Church took that as the cue to exit the ship before nodding at the princesses. “Director of United Nations Space Command Project Overlord at your service.”

“Kissass,” I mutter to myself.

“You realize I can hear everything in a 5 mile radius right?”

“And do you realize that I don’t give a damn right?”

“Who shit on your day? Why you so salty?”

“Oh just the fact that a mere twenty four hours ago I was chilling at Comic con only to buy a sweet medallion and then wind up in a little girl’s fantasy world, other than that nothing. How about you?”

“Been there done that. But to be honest. There is a way back to Earth. But here’s the game changer. It’s not exactly the same Earth as you were from. It depends on which universe your person is based off.” He explains.

“Well damn that changes everything.”

“Yeah. I went to Earth and ended up in New Phoenix. Damn Promethean Knights. Fucking hate them.”

“And I hate Shinigami’s and Hollows so we both hate people hurrah! Now mind telling me about the motley crew you got following you around?”

“Have you ever heard of Red Vs Blue?”

“Yeah. So does that mean you have a talking girl tank in there to?”

“To be honest? I haven’t even checked the entire ship it’s so big. Probably even bigger than inside the TARDIS. I hope not though.” As I say that, Time Turner shifts uneasily. “I saw that! Holy shit Doctor?!” He runs away.

“Good job you scared of the Doctor. But wait is Tex still alive or is she dead? Cause that is one badass babe I just got to meet!”

“A babe? Is that what I am to you?” A hologram of Tex/Allison/Beta says as she appears next to Church.

“No sorry. It’s just I’m having a little clash of personalities here. Hichigo’s kind of a sexist dick so don’t be surprised if I randomly say something along those lines.”

“KILL THE REDS!”

“Oh please no. Don’t tell me we brought them here too…”

“Oh can I smack some people around,” I yell out excitedly. Hey who wouldn’t like the opportunity to fight a real spartan? Plus it’s not like they can hurt me.

Church pulls up a holo panel, making all the ponies look at him in confusion. Damn forgot they were still here. Anyways he makes it start to play a video in my head.
[youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FsP7S-YoOA] After about eight minutes I see where this is going. Never mind they are just the lowest of the low soldiers who sound like raging gamers from Earth.

As Church was doing his thing I was sensing out where the fighting was going on. As soon as I had their location I used Sonido to disappear and reappear in the middle of the scuffle. And what I saw made me facepalm even though I knew what to expect. This was like a multiplayer match!

Then some idiot made the mistake of shooting at me. The bullet bounced off of my skin making me feel a slight pinch. Still it was enough to irritate me. It was easy to spot the one who shot me and when I looked at him I could swear he was shaking at the glare I was hitting him with. He pisses himself before fainting.

This would have made me laugh if some idiot driving a Warthog hadn’t decided to drive straight at me like an idiot. As he gets closer I just continue to stare at the guy. Then when he is just about to hit me I backhand the vehicle sending it flying off only to land on some red guy.

Now this got everyone’s attention as all the fighting stopped and they all stared at me. I hated the silence and instead decided to have a bit of fun.

“You punks want some to? Well here comes Hichigo!”

I decided to charge at Red first. They all opened fire on me but everything they threw at me I dodged. Not because they could hurt me but just to look badass.

I wasn’t going to kill the guys though so I didn’t bring out Zangetsu and instead started beating them with my own bare fists. I thought with them basically being super humans they could take a hit.

Sadly I underestimated my strength as just one of my hits sent them flying off to land somewhere I didn’t care about. In under half a minute I had effectively cleared out the entire Red team. Turning to Blue I flash an evil smile making them all run for the hills.

Now here I was standing in the middle of an empty field with a bunch of weapons and vehicles and bored out of my mind.

Taking another look at the weapons I just shrug and pick up an assault rifle that I start shooting around. I gape as I look at the ammo counter, it literally has an infinity sign on it. Oh I was definitely keeping this. Church can threaten me all he wants but this boy is coming home with me!

Point Of View: Church

Oh shit. He left me alone. With all the ponies. They look at me in fear and hesitation. I slowly start to back away from them until I am back in my pelican before slamming that hatch closed right in their faces.

“Virgil. Can you pull up a video surveillance of where the fighting is happening?”

“Video Com Red Vs Blue Simulation Chamber 7 is now visible.” She says as a hologram of the fighting appears… and Hichigo was kicking ass. Quick literally. There was no fighting going on after a few seconds. I see Hichigo pick up an assault rifle and teleport to him using warp.

“Find something you like? You can keep it. I have thousands of weapons on this ship.” I say to him.

Looking back Hichigo has a manic grin that I find kind of disturbing.

“Oh you have no idea what you have just done,” he says in a slightly crazed voice.

“No I’m serious. the weapons just keep respawning every time they die. I have every single weapon from every Halo even the books and the weapons that weren’t released.” I pull off a weird looking sniper rifle from my back and show it to him. “A M99 Stanchion Gauss Rifle. You know the gauss turret on the custom warthogs? Well watch this.” I aim down the sights and fire off a round, completely decimating a blue corpse.

Hichigo stared in glee at the devastation of the weapon before he ran off to where the armory was. I don’t think he knew where he was going but I don’t really think he cared at that point. I just followed him anyways since I could run at any speed I wanted without getting tired. I kept up with him and was surprised to see he actually was following a map guide and running straight towards the weapon bay. Eh, so glad these things respawn or I would have regretted telling him about this.

As soon as he entered the weapons area I could already see him with a large sack filling it with at least one of every kind of weapon.

“Dude. Holy shit. I would regret telling you this if they didn’t respawn.”

“Well good thing you don’t have to regret it then huh?”

“Can I see something? Don’t get angry.” I pick up a m6j carbine and let loose the entire magazine on Hichigo but he is unscatched. “Well shit. You are bulletproof.”

“That's not the only thing buddy. My strength and speed is off the charts, I can sense the life-forces of anything from anywhere in the world and I can even focus my own spiritual energy to restrain or suppress my foes. And I haven’t even learned how to use my more powerful techniques or how to even transform into my stronger forms!”

“I can turn into the Meta x1000 apparently. Also, covenant assault carriers and forerunner ships keep finding my Equestria which is really unnerving but at this point I have built a small fleet of miles long starships.”

“Well you’ve been busy. If you ever need a hand you have to give me a call. I would happily cleave some guys with Zangetsu.”

“How would you feel about receiving a 3 mile long covenant assault carrier? I mean I don’t think the ponies would approve but who gives a shit?”

Hichigo was nearly drooling at the thought of having an awesome ship like that.

“Damn man you are spoiling me. Still I find it kind of weird that these girls call themselves ponies. I know they have pony tails and some even have wings or horns but why do they call themselves ponies? You have that problem?”

“Uh buddy… I’m sorry to break it to you but this is from a little girl’s show if you didn’t notice that already.”

Hichigo took a second to think on this before his eyes went wide in realization.

“No. You're not telling me…”

“Uh-huh. But I just go with the flow, it’s how I don’t go crazy from this bullshit. Oh and by the by, that assault carrier if you receive it soon, it can go at FTL speeds or faster than light. Yeah, that fucking fast.”

If Hichigo’s smile could get any bigger his head would split in two. Soon though that grin turned into a teasing one.
“So. Have you fucked a pony yet? At least with me it’s not considered beastiality.”

“Uh, dude. I’m a fucking hologram. That’s not even physically possible unless I possess someo… Wait a minute. You know that elite? That was my AI assistant Virgil. Where the fuck did she find that body?”

“I don’t know dude but I say she has a step up on you. And why the hell did she choose an Elite of all things?”

“Have you watched Halo 4 Forward Unto Dawn?”

“Not really no. Why?”

I show him some clips of an elite stabbing cadets from a military officers school. “Now can you imagine how fucking intimidating that shit is to others who have never seen an elite before?”

“Shit. But isn’t it a bit weird for her though? I mean she went from a chick to a straight up alien dude?”

“I don’t think she really gives a shit what form she takes to be honest… She is a fucking elite general right now. I mean… That’s kind of rare.”

“True. So where the hell did Tex go? Can she do the body possessing thing to?”

All the AI fragments of the Alpha appear next to me, making Hichigo jump back in shock. “We’re always here. And we work better together.”

“Ah I get it. ‘I am one and you are many.’ Should I just call you Legion then,” he said with a stupid grin.

“I would prefer to be called Church. That is who the Alpha is based off of. And I am his memory. Changing your memory...hurts.”

“Sorry man. Gotta say though with all of those minds you must be an encyclopedia of knowledge. Ya gotta be happy about that.”

“Okay, ask me one question about Halo. Anything.”

“Okay umm? How about, no that’s not right. Sorry I got nothing.”

Suddenly Hichigo’s head jerks a little and he looks at his giant sword and starts whispering to it.

“It’s funny how that isn’t even close to top 100 of the strangest shit I’ve seen.”

“Hey you’ve got a hundred different minds and I have a talking spirit sword. he wants to ask If everyone on this ship is a dude and where the nearest bar is.”

“...You would be surprised how many females are here.” I point to a window that wasn’t there before and he facepalms as he sees the girls and the rest of the ponies as well as the princesses ‘trying being the keyword’ to gain access to the pelican but failing miserably. “Considering we left them all outside.”

“You think this is bad? I’m the one who's going to have to talk to them once we get out there.” I flinch at that. No offense to Hichigo but he didn’t exactly sound like he would be good with confrontations that don’t end in fighting and death. He must have known what I thought because he just sighed.

“Yeah I know I’m not one for words okay. I’m a fighter not a diplomat. You want someone dead or something destroyed I’m your man but if it involves just talking I’m better off somewhere else.”

“Well, we better just get it over with then. I’m not a fan of talking either.” I teleport us to the hatch using the teleportation grid. “Your call. Are you sure you don’t want to back out? I’m not saying you’re a wimp or anything but this is just something that doesn’t sound like it would end well in the first place.”

Taking a deep breath Hichigo nods.

The hatch slowly starts to open, refracting light into the pelican until all of the ponies are visible. And boy do they look fucking furious. I quickly put up a forcefield on reflex that is invisible and allows sound through but is only passable by those I allow, which are currently me and Hichigo. He notices this luckily.

“Uh hey girls whats up,” he states with a nervous wave. He doesn’t seem too keen on leaving the safety of the forcefield.

“Yeah, I would like a mob of hot angry girls running after me but not like this. I feel ya bro.” I pat him on the back. Luckily none of the ponies hear me say that.

I see the tallest in the group step forward and figure it had to be Celestia. She did not look happy.

“Hichigo do you mind explaining what this thing is?”

“I am afraid that information is classified. All you need to know is that this is a transport vehicle.” I save Hichigo from that question.

“Yeah Celestia what he said. Basically he is from an alternate dimension and I just managed to summon him here. Don’t worry though he’s harmless.”

Delta appears to my side and ruins everything. “I wouldn’t exactly s-” I shut him up before he can do damage but it is already too late.

“No. You are hiding something. What was that green thing going to say?” She asks angrily. Oh fuck.

Hichigo then steps in front of me with a serious look on his face.

“Alright Celestia you want the truth? Fine. The truth is he is just as dangerous as I am and you know how dangerous I am. But he means you no harm as do I. And if you have a problem with it then too bad.”

“Oh shit man. I don’t really think that last sentence was necessary.” I whisper to Hichigo. He flinches at this when he sees how much angrier all the ponies are at him for disrespecting their ruler.

Thankfully Luna decided to step in and try to alleviate the situation.

“Now calm down sister. We are sure he meant no disrespect, he was just defending a friend after all.” Celestia flinches at the implications of that statement.

“Besides,” I say, getting everyone’s attention. “If we meant you harm, we would have a reason for it. But seeing as how you haven’t exactly done anything unjust towards us, I don’t think we are enemies. However, my stance on our relationship is decidedly neutral for your information.”

Celestia contemplated on this for a second before nodding in agreement. We dodged a bullet there.

“So, I assume you are here for a reason?” Virgil says as she steps out from behind us. HOLY SHIT! I didn’t see her. Hichigo shares a glance with me before we shake our heads in bewilderment.

“Oh hey tall dark and creepy. Naw I just found Church’s summoning sword and just wanted to see if it works. So how you been?”

“I wasn’t referring to you. I was referring to them.” She points at Celestia and Luna. “But since you asked, I’ve been fine.” Holy crap for a second I thought she was going to go full on bitch mode for a second.

“Oh them? Their just a little curious about you guys. No harm in that is there?”

“May we inspect your...vehicle?” Celestia asks politely.

“I’m afraid I can’t let you do that. This is a multi-trillion dollar vehicle. Basically what I’m saying is that just this thing alone is worth more than your country’s economy.” Luna looks at me like I’ve gone insane.

“Trust him guys it’s true. Plus why do you want to look inside it?”

“No reaso-” Before Celestia can finish she is interrupted by a colt in the crowd.

“Oh, we were just trying to study you and take all your things!” He said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Um… Well this is awkward.

Hichigo was obviously not happy and he made it known as he let his power out making it a little hard to breath for everyone nearby.

“Celestia is that true. No better yet Applejack is what the kid said true?”

“N-n-no!” She flinches after saying that.

“Didn’t your family ever tell you it wasn’t polite to lie?” She flinches much harder at that.

“Celestia walk away right now. I want you and everyone else gone by the count of ten or there will be trouble,” said Hichigo in a dead serious voice promising lots of pain if they didn’t comply.

Luna looked like she was about to kill a bitch but her sister sighs and shakes her head at her and motions with her head away from us. The ponies disperse at this in resignation.

As soon as they were out of sight Hichigo’s power dissipates making it easier to breath once again.

“I’m sorry about that Church. I expected better from them.”

“Eh, it could have been much worse. At least they know when they are beat. There are some dimensions where the princesses will literally stop at nothing to get what they want. So I guess you got a bit lucky there. That doesn’t necessarily mean they will stop their attempts though. Twilight might get overzealous.”

“Yeah I guess you're right. I just don’t wanna have to deal with them right now. I know once I go back I’m probably going to get interrogated and I don’t know if I’ll be able to restrain myself when that happens.”

“I don’t necessarily have to leave. I can do this.” With not even a flash, I disappear from sight. “I think you know what this is.” I say in a voice that is distorted due to active camoflauge’s sound muffling.

“Okay I’m not going to lie that is awesome. So let’s head into town and see what’s going on. Your crew will be okay without you right?”

“Yes, considering we are always in touch even if we were on the other side of the planet. Okay but hear me out on this, you are probably going to need to make a runway. And I mean one that is at least 4 miles long and 2 miles thick or more. You know the ships that glassed reach? That’s a covenant assault carrier. And I could bring one here if I wanted to right now but that’s a terrible idea to do at this current moment.”

Hichigo lets loose a laugh at this and I was wondering why he was laughing.

“Oh Church making a runway that big is child’s play. With Zangetsu here I can do that in a couple of minutes. Add Sonido into it and I can have it done in under a minute. Just pick a spot and it’s as good as done!”

“Oh trust me I don’t doubt that. But the thing I’m actually worried about is choosing a spot where you won’t be bothered and it won’t be noticed so easily. Preferably underground.”

“Well there is a gorge about seventy miles west of here. A little work and it will be more than big enough.”

“Are you sure it is big enough to house a carrier that big?” I show him the specifications. “It is half a mile high, 1.3 miles wide, and 3.3 miles long.”

“Like I said it will work. The length is more than enough. All I need to do is make it a little deeper and widen it at least a quarter of a mile.”

I close the hatch and we start our walk into the town.

It was peaceful. No one was around and the sky was clear though Hichigo was looking rather annoyed for some reason.

“Hey Hichigo, you okay? You look like you have a bad feeling about something.”

“Forty feet behind us and about a hundred feet up, the third cloud from the left. What do you see?”

I subtly glance in the direction he specified and whisper, “Rainbow Dash I assume?”

“Her and about three guards.”

“Good thing they can’t see me. Have they seen you talk to your sword before?”

“No I usually just talk through thoughts. But I don’t think they would bother me anyway after I laid the beatdown on Nightmare Moon.”

“Holy shit, you lucky man.”

“Not really. I was enjoying the fight until she upped and ran away. The second time I faced her was inside her mind where I needed Luna’s help. I could beat her down no problem but she just kept healing herself so it wouldn’t have gone anywhere.”

“Couldn’t you just have used your powers to subvert her vision and make her face her own fears? And then take her down while she was distracted?”

“Nah as she said, ‘her mind, her rules.’ She even managed to separate me from Zangetsu.”

“No she didn’t. She disrupted your connection. It would be impossible for her to actually do that completely while in her mind unless she was outside it. Unless there is something she isn’t telling us.”

“Yeah that would make sense. When I got Zangetsu back he said he was in some weird place. I don’t know where he could have gone but it still troubles me on how she did that.”

“At least you weren’t fighting Discord. You know about him right?”

“Creepy mismatched reject with an urge for anarchy and total madness?”

“He’s not actually as stupid as he acts. Seeing as he is the embodiment of Chaos in this world he has lived for potentially millions to billions or even more years. He has had time to change his views. Maybe he likes to be defeated after winning so many times. Maybe he got bored from how easily he got what he wanted.”

“Seems like someone who could be a good sparring partner. I don’t know about you but I need to get stronger and learn some more of my moves. I’m afraid to do it here because everyone’s going to be watching me for sure.”

“Oh yeah I nearly forgot about that. They are still watching us. Should I draw their attention away from you or leave them be? Or should I do something else you want?”

“Hmmm, ya got a non-lethal explosive on ya by chance?”

“While it would be funny to see them dazed and confused I was thinking more along the lines of microscopic tranquilizer infused into blanks.”

“Oh even better!”

“And the best part? It’s completely silent and extremely accurate.”

“Alright then you knock them out and I’ll catch them when they fall. I have a little prank for them.”

“Before I do that, does this particular Equestria have any technology which the princesses could use to keep in touch with their guards? I don’t want to make assumptions but they might be setting us up.”

“Nah they're pretty basic. Aside from a fridge and oven they aren’t very advanced. Plus I can’t sense any magic from them as if they are enchanted or anything. And for how I know it’s because magic has a similar feel to spiritual pressure but is still able to be detected.

“Good to know.” I pull out an M6J Carbine and insert a tranquilizer loaded magazine into it before taking aim at the guards and pulling a Hitman Absolution move where I put targets on their heads and take them all out at the same time. They fall onto the clouds, unconscious.

“Have you ever played Hitman Absolution?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you know about the multi-targeting thing? Well I just did that. It’s fucking sick in real life. Like Matrix and Hitman combined.”

“That is fucking awesome. Now time to play my little prank.”

Hichigo then disappeared only to reappear a moment later holding Dash along with two female and one male guard. What he did next was kind of disturbing as he tied the male to the nearest tree upside down with a sign saying, ‘PUBLIC TOILET.’

The three mares though he tied them up with some rope he got from I don’t even want to know where and somehow tied them to the bottom of the nearest cloud.

“Dude pull their tails down, I somehow got a boner. Shit I don’t want to turn into Tucker!”

“Oh quit being such a prude! And how can you get a boner if you're a hologram?”

“How the fuck should I know?!”

“Alright man sheesh I’ll put their tails down happy!”

“Good. He won’t be fucking any girls unless I say so.” Tex says as she appears.

“I think you know where this is going…” I say fearfully.

“Wow dude you have the ultimate cock blocker inside of you. That’s got to suck.”

“Do you really want to go there?” Tex asks seriously.

“Probably. It’s not like you can actually do anything to me except say mean things and that doesn’t really bother me.”

“Trust me man, I’ll forgive you for your ignorance about some of our abilities. But she made an extremely scary Discord shit himself for weeks. I don’t even want to know what she would try to do to you. I’m just trying to watch your back.”

In response Hichigo leaned in close until he was but an inch in front of Tex seemingly staring her down as she did the same. Neither of them said a word as they sized each-other up.Then very slowly Hichigo backed up but still did not break eye contact with her.

“Ya know Tex I respect you and all but even you have to admit you are a royal prude. If a man's dick gets hard who are you to deny it?”

Tex just facepalms. “That’s really all you have to say?”

“What? I can’t really look at you eye to eye with your helmet and all so I can’t really get a read on you. Plus I only said the truth.”

“...” Tex just stares in silence.

“You can give me the silent treatment all you want but you know I’m right.” She just disappears.

“So does that mean I win?”

“Uh… Not really. She was silently laughing her ass off in her helmet at you as if you were some kind of joke.”

Now that really struck a nerve in Hichigo as a huge vein popped on his head.

“WHAT!? Why that little no good bitch! If I could strangle her I would! Damn her and her non-existent body!”

“Now I’m glad I went to the convention as Church as opposed to someone with an actual body. I won’t die or feel pain like that. That would fucking hurt.”

“Yeah but now you have a little priss along with god knows who else in your head.”

“Knock Knock.” Gamma says in his Stephen Hawking synthesizer voice as he appears next to me. Oh, come on!

“Well at least one of them has a sense of humor. As bad as it may be.”

“KNOCK. KNOCK.” Gamma says angrily.

“We don’t want any!”

“KNOCK KNOCK.”

“WHO’S THERE!!!?”

“Shisno.” Uh oh.

“Shisno who?”

“You are a dirty dirty shisno. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.”

“I’m not impressed you little shit.”

Gamma sighs, “Not everyone has a sense of humor. Especially not shisnos.” With that he disappears.

“I swear to god if I meet another one like Tex or Gamma I’m gonna lose it.”

“That would not be wise. I have detected a Royal Guard response team heading our way.” Delta says. Before Hichigo can react, he is quickly cloaked.
“Thanks for that. But while we’re here we might as well see how they like our work.”

We hear a gruff voice, “They were this way when we lost contact!”

I look at Hichigo, “Did you think about mental links?”

“Sorry don’t have a way to sense that.”

“It seems one of those ponies we sedated was someone important.”

“Well Dash is an Element of Harmony. Still think that name is stupid.”

“Yeah, when I first meet her, I asked if she was an LGBT and she flipped her shit.”

“I can’t blame you. I mean she has the look and personality for it.”

The ponies finally arrive at the scene of the prank and one of the rookies falls on the floor laughing his flank off. The leader, a sergeant I assume, smacks the rookie upside the head and starts yelling punishments at him.

“Yep. Worth it. Let’s go.”

“Yeah this place is gonna get hot real soon. I think I know where we can go.”

Hichigo then grabs Church’s shoulder and uses Sonido to instantly appear floating over Canterlot castle.

“You know what? I feel like we could’ve made the prank better. Put the ponies in sexual poses. HAHAHAHA! Oh my god.”

“ Why do you think we’re here? There’s plenty of guards and servants as well as nobles who need to be taken down a peg. And I think this castle is in need of some redecorating.”

“Are you saying what I think you are saying? Can we draw swastikas and stuff. They have to have a german country horse pun. And draw dicks and stuff. lol. Yes I said lol. I know I spent too much time on the interwebs.”

“It’s alright man and yes we can do all of that and much more. But first let’s check out Celestia’s bedroom.”

“Oh my god that’s skanless. We could draw all that in her chambers.”

“I know! And I was wondering if she kept a diary.”

“Probably. But wouldn’t that be fucking cliché?”

“Maybe but aren’t you curious at what dirty secrets an immortal goddess may have hidden away? It’s like a goldmine of blackmail material!”

“While that may be true, and don’t get mind at me since I’m just thinking ahead, wouldn’t she develop a countermeasure or something? She could literally tell the public whatever she wants and force them to believe it.”

“Hmm your right. But what about the foreign nations?”

“I think I see where you are going and I think I like where you are going. You might become an enemy of the state though you know that right?”

“Yeah that may be true but they know that I’m at the top of the food chain and if it came down to violence I outclass them all. Plus who said I was just going to announce my intentions like some ego maniac?”

“Oh no, that’s not what I’m thinking. It’s more along the lines of if she notices something is wrong. That book might be enchanted. If it is gone… She might be wary. And a wary Celestia is known to ruin everything. She might fuck up your reputation with other nations, making them not let you near them in the first place. All I’m saying is… we have got to be careful about how we do this.” I sigh. “Maybe we could potentially duplicate the diary? But would that alert her?”

“Don’t you have a camera in your arsenal of high tech gizmos?”

“Wait a minute. I could read a one thousand page book in a few seconds due to time going slower for AI than living beings… Ah. Should I?”

“Damn right you should! And even if it is enchanted I can use my spiritual pressure to delay the effects long enough to avoid them from activating.”

“Here’s something I need to tell you. Have you ever heard of Anti-Magic?”

“No. What’s that?”

“Exactly what it sounds like. It causes magic to become inert upon contact. I’ve been experimenting with this black goo I got from Zecora and have mass-produced it on a scale large enough where I could turn it into other forms such as weaponry, forcefields, and other technology. Well, actually my friend Virgil did that but you know what I mean.”

“Alright that is amazing. Just one question, who the hell is Zecora?” I show him memories of who she is and everything he needs to know about her.

“Huh. Seems like a cool mae to hang around with. Seems kind of lonely though.”

“You noticed that too?”
“Like a boil on a baboons ass.”

“That is… oddly specific.”

“The zoo is a very fucked up place my friend especially to an eight year old.”

“I’m not even going to ask.”

“It’s best you don’t.”

“Yeah. So, you know where we need to go?”

“Yeah. Her room is in the tallest tower. Surprise, surprise.”

“For someone who is supposedly caring for everyone else, she sure knows how to care for herself even more.” I laugh.

“Hahaha! I know right? But I guess that’s one of the perks of being the ruler of a whole country.”

“Hey buddy? I just got a thought. Wanna rule a country? I’m not saying conquer Equestria. That’d be boring. I’m thinking of like those video games where you - nevermind I’m overthinking it. I need to stop playing so many of those games where you farm experience and shit.”

“No it sounds appealing and all but where the hell is a place where they have no current ruler and wouldn’t mind having a ruler?”

“Do what I did. Surely Twilight has lectured you? Do you ever notice on maps that the desert is completely unmarked?”

“Now that you mention it I did see a map or two depicting some lands. One was just north of here called the Crystal Empire. But the map was pretty old while the newer maps don’t even show that area. What’s up with that?”

“You’re not going to like this but I’m going to tell you anyway.” I tell Hichigo everything about Sombra, the original rulers of the Crystal Empire, one of which who was named Princess Amore, and how Sombra sealed the Empire for a thousand years. “Cliche, right?”

Hichigo didn’t answer though as he was just staring blankly into space with a deep scowl on his face.

“So you're telling me that this high and mighty fuck enslaved the entire empire? And Celestia and Luna basically did jack shit?”

“Are you saying you want to change the timeline? It might fuck this Equestria up but it doesn’t look like Sombra has even appeared yet.”

“No he hasn’t. If I remember the series right then I still have to deal with Discord and Chrysalis before getting to him. But I don’t care! I just wish I could kill that bastard and tell Luna and Celestia off. I mean it doesn’t even look like they feel bad about basically abandoning them! They even completely write them out of the history books as if they never existed!”

“All I’m saying is, Sombra was basically a four-hooved Stalin. And the princesses think that by ‘erasing history’ they can prevent it from happening again. Fools.”

“Damn right they’re fools. And that’s why I am gonna do a little cleanup for their mistakes. But first we got a castle to prank.”

“Must be a lot to take in though, huh?”

“Yeah it is. But I’m glad you told me rather than me finding out about it later.”

“Well, you know. It wouldn’t be good for me to ‘leave one little detail out or two’. Plus it kind of goes against my ‘helping you out’.”

“Yeah guess you're right.”

We arrive at the entrance to the largest tower and I allow a smirk to appear on my nonexistent face.

“Wow. Egotistical much?”

“Wait until you see the interior.” We see two door guards and I get an idea which I whisper to Hichigo, “How should we go about this?”

“Well what about a little ‘guard on guard’ action? I think Celestia would be surprised to see two of her guards in a compromising position.”

“Not to spoil your fun, but remember what happened last time we took out the guards? I think we should do this Splinter Cell style.”

“Alright then Tom Clancy do your thing!” Hichigo says in my head. I’ll never get used to that.

I grab Hichigo by his arm and guide him towards a side entrance next to the door which is inconspicuously titled “Maintenance shaft.””

“I would facepalm but I don’t even think Celestia deserves that.”

“She don’t deserve a lot of things. Yet she gets them anyways.”

“True, here, boost me up.” I point at convenient vent about 10 feet above us.

Hichigo easily picked me up and floated me up to the shaft. I raise my arms towards him in a motion for him to grab my arms so I can bring him up here.

“Well this is a tight fit. Give me a second.”

He concentrated for a minute before the sword he called Zangetsu disappeared.

“Ah that’s much better. Now continue.” Hichigo jumps up and catches my hanging arm and pulls himself up using it. After looking around for a second he scoffs, “Seriously? She even made the fucking vents fancy.”

“It's not going to be fancy when we're done with it.” I conclude. “Can you turn the vents and the gems embedded all white? You know not the normal snow white but like when your computer crashes white. Like really ugly.”

“Give me a sec.”

He closed his eyes for a second before releasing a pulse of energy doing exactly what I wanted.

“Huh, now that is fucking ugly.”

“Yeah now let’s get to her room. I can’t wait to see what we can mess up in there.”

“Tier 10 magical fortifications detected.” Delta says.

“Hmm.” I put a finger to my chin in thought. “Maybe the Anti-Magic could work well with this.”

“There is a chance she could detect the enchantments going out.”

“Then we could make them go out for a split second before allowing them to reactivate instantaneously but it will take cooperation and concentration. We could teleport as soon as they go out.”

“Are there any enchantments to detect who is inside?”

“No, only who enters.”

“What do you think Hichigo?”

“I think the temporary shutdown would be our safest bet. If it’s down for too long she may sense something.”

I activate my promethean vision and sense that Celestia is not in the room or anywhere in the palace. “One problem though. It is possible for her to teleport in so we are going to have to do this quickly and quietly.”

“Hold that thought Church. I got an idea.”

Hichigo’s eyes went blank for a few seconds before finally coming back. He drew a wide smile.

“Oh I don’t think we have to worry about her for the next hour. She’s currently in some personal cake factory all the way in Manehatten. Yeah, dumb name I know. But by the way she’s going it won’t be too long before she’s finished.”

“Dude? You are a fucking genius. Let’s do this shit.”
“Alright you go first.”

“Initiating Prototype Anti-Magic field. Teleport us in on my mark. 3. 2. 1. Mark!”

And just like that we were in Celestia’s chambers. It was very bright with everything being so clean and fancy it was almost overwhelming.

“Damn! This shit is insane! She wastes her nation's taxes on this crap? I mean look at this, a diamond paperweight? Ridiculous!”

“To be fair, I found a ravine that was filled to the brim with diamonds back in my Equestria, so they must be fairly common here. That is good though. You know why? If you ever go to the Earth in this universe then you’ll literally be rich enough to buy a fucking country.”

“Huh good point. Oh, I spy with my little eye something soft and big. And it’s not Celestia’s chest.”

“...”

“Don’t judge me those things look amazing.”

“I never realized how fucking hot she looks like this…” Tex was about to do something but I told her to shut up and that she is only a memory.

“Really? Well what’s your universe’s Celestia like?” I show him a picture of the show’s Celestia as she normally looks like.

“She can look hot in my universe but… She has to want to.”

“Well I got to say for a giant pony she is pretty hot.” I just stare at him unblinkingly.
Until I think of something. “Oh my god I got an even better idea than the Diary.” I hold in my laughter.

“What?”

“Put a guards pony stallion on top of her so he looks like he’s mounting her. Lol he’ll get gelded! Ahahahaha.”

“Hahaha oh damn that would be priceless! Wait a second do you see something large like a stone or something anywhere?”

“Why?”

“You’ll see,” he says with a grin.

“I see a um… yeah.” I point to what he’s talking about. “What is it?”

“It’s about to be a work of art.”

Zangetsu appears in his hands and he rapidly begins slashing at the slab of stone. When he finally stops he backs away and leans on his sword like a cane. This confused me for a minute until the stone began to break apart revealing a sculpture. This sculpture was an exact replica of Celestia with a black faced guard mounting her.

“How do you like my sculpting?”

“Can you make it alive?”

“Maybe if I knew magic and a reanimation spell.”

“You should paint Celestia so it shows splotches of you know all over her.”

“Good idea and there just so happens to be some paint in the bathroom just the right color. Seems she wanted to do some redecorating. And of course she has a solid gold bathtub the size of a small pool.”

“And to make this seem legit we should draw on her walls make it say ‘Kilroy Was Here’”

“Just to add salt to the wound I’ll carve that into the walls.”

“Buddy, I think we’re already best friends at this point because holy shit that is great!”

“Well let's stop talking about it and get to doing it! We’re hitting the kitchen next!”

“Uh, I wasn’t just talking, to be honest. I actually have been administering doses of sleeping medication to Celestia so that she’ll be asleep for the rest of the day at the very least.”

“My god you’re brilliant.” He says cheerfully.

“Well, You know. But we still have to be wary about the enchantments in this room. By my observations, the enchantments apparently wake her up if someone who shouldn’t enters.” I grab the paint and start painting splotches of ‘cum’ all over Celestia and on the sculpting of the guard.

“Duly noted.” He answered as he started carving into the walls with Zangetsu.

After we were finished with the ‘morning surprise’ we looked at each other and I nodded.

“Now what was that about the kitchen?”
“Well I figured since Celestia likes cake so much why not make her a very special one?”

“What about this, actually. This seems Discord’s style. Fill the entire fucking palace with cake. Maybe we could ask him to help?”

“He’s probably still a statue but since he’s gonna break out soon anyway why not just get things going?”

“Maybe we could break him out early and then convince him to be stealthy about it instead of getting himself stoned again like a fucking idiot. Convince him in the ways of ‘subtle chaos.”

“I actually think he would enjoy that! He gets to cause chaos and not get turned into a lawn ornament. A win-win situation if you ask me.” I grab Hichigo’s arm and teleport us both towards the statue. Standing near it are two guards. Ha, should be easy.

I walk up to them and smash their skulls together, knocking them unconscious Agent Texas style.

Hichigo then walks up to the statue and places a hand on the pedestal. A white aura engulfs Discord’s stone form before cracks start to appear. In no time at all the stone falls away revealing the Lord of Chaos himself.

The guy was a little shorter than Hichigo and had pasty white skin with two red eyes and a pair of mismatched horns on his head. A dragon like tail could also be seen behind him. His attire was a mismatched brown and yellow suit with black dress shoes.

He seems to know what game we’re playing as instead of announcing how he’s free he looks at us and asks, “Why did you free me anyways? Surely a chaotic embodiment such as myself would not be in your best interests?”

“Actually, I was thinking. You know how your chaos would be obvious? Maybe change your style a little while keeping it yours. Maybe… subtle chaos?”

He taps a claw to his chin in thought and actually nods.

“Can you make it look like the statue never cracked and place a false magical signature in there?”

“Amateur hour.” He snaps a talon and it looks like it was never destroyed.

“Can you go invisible for a second? It would also pretty chaotic if the entire palace was filled with cake.” He snaps a talon and… wow he works fast.

“Oh that was sweet now can you put everyone in the palace asleep for maybe an hour? And make sure they have no memory of falling asleep?”

“While I’m at it, how about no clothes on them as well? Pretty chaotic if I do say so myself.” I barely suppress manic giggles at his suggestion. He snaps his talon and… Wow that’s hot.

“Wow for a pair of guards they are hot as hell. Now this scene is just missing one thing.”

Moving over to the two unconscious guards Hichigo moves them into the 69 position.

“Ah! But wait! You forgot about the icing on the cake.” Discord says as he snaps a talon and… holy shit he made Luna naked and in a 69 position with a mare.

“Where the hell did she come from!?”

“Isn’t it obvious? She fell asleep on a gay pornography magazine.” Discord says in a matter-of-fact tone.

“Huh. Didn’t think she swung that way.” I say in bewilderment.

“Eh I kinda expected her to be bi if I have to be honest.”

My pelican comes into view, thankfully not attracting any attention since literally everyone in Canterlot is unconscious and naked in cake. It lands next to us and the back hatch opens.

“Curious, it conflicts, bigger on the inside. You are pretty advanced compared to these… primevals.”

“That’s one thing we agree on Discord. But I think you should find yourself a nice home to settle down in when you're not causing chaos.”

“Hmm, you could even pull the strings from in your home!”

“That does sound like a good idea, less chance of them using those stupid jewels on me.” Discord scoffs.

“And hey if you don’t mind can you maybe tell me where I can find the changelings.” I wonder why Hichigo wants to know that?

“Oh? Starting the show without me it seems?”

“No, I’m just setting up the perfect scene for you.”

“How delightful.” He laughs.

“Yeah but can you tell me? I’m actually really curious about them.”

“Which hive?” He asks with a serious tone.

“Maybe the one in the Badland’s?”

“Chrysalis? Or that other one, Aragog?” He shudders at the second one.

“Alright Chrysalis I’ve heard of but who in the hell is Aragog? Sounds like something from Middle Earth?”

“Eh, she’s a creep. Let’s just leave it at that.”

“She dangerous?”

“You could say that. And not the powerful or manipulative kind of dangerous. Just plain old being near her causes negative things to happen to your mind. Even to me.”

“So she is basically a bad mojo generator? Does she have any control over it or is it always happening?”

“I heard that she tried to make the effects stop but it only made it worse. So no, she has no control over it.”

“Damn now I feel sorry for her. Is there anyway to stop it that you can think of?”

“Well, your technological friend over here, Church, might be able to. But us physical beings can’t go near her without being harmed. Not that she wanted to be like this, mind you, it just happened.”

“Well Church you up for helping a needy soul? Well after we meet Chrysalis of course.”

“Indeed. I am. So, Discord. Would you kindly, help us manipulate Chrysalis? I am afraid we can’t exactly do it on our own.”

“If it all is so that we can cause an extremely chaotic scene? Well, why didn’t you just say so!” Discord agrees.

“So how do we get there? Is there like a map or something?”

“Dude. We’re in a pelican. A pelican with coordinates to places all over Equestria and the galaxy. As far as I’m concerned, we’re already there. Activate Faster Than Light drive and proceed to destination Badlands.” The pelican suddenly lurches forward and we’re already there.

“That. Was. Awesome! Now what cause all I see is a shit ton of sand. I think we have to go underground to find them.”

Discord and I simultaneous facepalm/talon. “Did you not look in front of you?” We say together, pointing out a pretty obvious green chitin structure.

“Oh right. Well I’m man enough to say that’s my bad. Now without further ado I’m gonna go say hello.” And like that he disappeared.

Point of View: Hichigo

I have to say I was beyond excited. I was about to meet a major villainess! I don’t count Nightmare Moon cause making it eternal night isn’t really all that evil if you ask me.

I feel a presence or two appear next to me and Discord and Church are there.

“Why do you always disappear without even thinking?” Church asks.

“Because it’s fun and I’m impatient. Look here comes the welcome party!”

“Good thing the pelican hatch is closed and guarded by at least 10,000 Lopezes.” As Church says that, Virgil teleports next to us, wielding dual energy swords, with a gravity hammer on her back. That looks fucking boss.

“Woah sweetheart you are dressed for all out war! Now if you were legitimately a girl I would be even more impressed!”

“Oh? And what qualifies as a girl to you? Are you saying that females must be a certain way to be a girl? Or are you saying that my voice isn’t feminine enough? Huh?” Woah, walked into a roadblock there.

“I’m saying that you look like a dude cause you technically ARE a dude. At least in body but that attitude is all female.”

“You realize she is a Femme Fatale right?”

“Femme what now?”

“An attractive and seductive woman, especially one who will ultimately bring disaster to a man who becomes involved with her.” I whisper to him.

“Well damn! But she still technically is a dude so thats a major turn off for me.”

“Well, I’m assuming that’s the form she uses for combat, otherwise I would agree with you there…”

“Wait hold up are you saying she has a legit female form?”

“Dude. Did you think my pelican was just an armory?”

“Honestly? Yes.”

“It has pretty much everything in it. And by everything I mean even weird shit I don’t want to talk about because it’s weird.”

Discord shudders. “Don't even mention that!”

“What? Mention what! Are you saying the tall creepy mofo behind me has a legit female body in that ship somewhere?”

“Basically, but there’s more to it than that.”

“Oh god please don’t tell me it has a dick.” Discord and Church look at me and then fall on their asses, laughing.

“N-n-no!” They say in between breathes. “We weren’t talking about her female form we meant like there are more bodies in there that AI’s can use… Some of them are... *shudder* not favorable...”

“Wait so Tex can have a form to right? I can actually get a chance to strangle her!?”

“You wish.” Tex says out of the blue.

“What you afraid of me? You damn well should be! You couldn’t handle me on my worst day and you know it!”

"It's not that. I just don't think you are worth my time." Tex says simply.

“So you're a wimp who’s all talk?”

"Word games will not change my opinion of you."

“And what is your opinion of me exactly cause you never did specify.”

Tex sighs and goes back to whence she came.

"You may be stronger than her but she doesn't only use strength. She plays dirty."

“What’s that supposed to mean? You saying she’s setting me up for something?”

"If that were the case then you would have already fallen in her trap. Hmm. The Queen has arrived."

Church was right the queen had arrived and damn she was fine! I mean looking at her she was like a sexier version of Celestia! She had black skin, ample baggage, was wearing a fine silk dress and had her hair styled so she looked like a Femme Fatale.

"Like what you see?" Chrysalis asks as she meets us a few feet away.

“I would being lying if I said no.”

Chrysalis smirks but quickly puts on a serious face. "What brings you here?"

“Oh you know just wanted to say hi and whatnot. Oh and to try and convince you to not try and take over Canterlot. Cause trust me, you fail.”

Yeah I got straight to the point.

Point of View: Queen Chrysalis

I was furious! How could they know about that? I haven't even told my hive about that.

“Hey I know you may be wondering how we know so let’s just say we have a pretty good grasp on future events. So we know you will try to take Canterlot but it will ultimately fail. So we’re here to convince you not to!”

"And there are alternate universes such as where you tried to suck the love from all loving beings, ultimately killing all other sentient life on the planet and earning a massive food store at the cost of never getting more food after that, and eventually all life on the planet dies out."

Alright now that was a horrifying image. It made me out to be some horrendous monster! I just wanted to feed my Hive not commit mass genocide! Just who are these men?

"And the question comes, what would your source of food come from? Well a peace treaty is absurd because it would reveal your existence and feeding on negative emotions must taste horrible,"

“Oh you have no idea. negative emotions are simply dreadful and taste so dry! But how would you suggest we get sustenance then? And all this time you haven’t even told me your names and you apparently know mine.”

Point of View: Church

It would seem that we are getting through to her.

Hichigo gives a suggestion, "well what if I told you there was a place you could get all the love you would ever need and not have to trick anyone in order to get it?”

"I would normally laugh at you, but seeing as you know all these things..."

“Well there is a place that has been gone for some time and it is literally powered by love.”

"Are you referring to the Crystal Empire? I haven't heard of that name in some time. Wait a minute. Me? Rule the Crystal Empire? That's... actually plausible. But I'm afraid Sombra is still the ruler."

"We'll take care of him soon enough." Hichigo laughs.

Chrysalis stared at us for a good long moment. But then she let out a melodious laugh. Damn that's sexy!

“Oh you two are interesting! Now what is your name?”

“Well my name is Hichigo! And my buddy here is Church and I’m sure you’ve heard of Discord! Wait where did he go?”

Discord appears and says, "I was watching the perimeter of course."

"I can't put my finger on it but, you seem... less insane than the Royal Sisters depicted you as."

"It is in their tendency to exaggerate their stories."

“Hmm I guess you have a point there. Now what do you want in return for this? Surely you didn’t do all of this for nothing?”

"Oh we are getting something out of this. Your hive survives without revealing itself until the right time and to the right people. The Equestrians are downright racist and judgemental." I sigh. "The Crystal Empire? Why, they'll just be happy they aren't slaves of a tyrant anymore."

“Yeah as long as you don’t oppress them and suck them dry of love to the point it kills them they’ll be pretty happy. Also I just don’t think the Equestrians deserve a place like that. They lost it once so they definitely shouldn’t get the chance to lose it again.”

"And here's the kicker, you need not suck love out of the Crystalians because love generates in the air from their happiness!"

She was stunned for a moment at all the pros if she said yes and thankfully the only con would be when Celestia got involved.

"We won't let her get involved if that's what you are thinking." I laugh at her stupefied expression. "Time goes slower for me so I can calculate millions of outcomes and choose the most likely occurrence." I explain.

Hichigo looks at me in shock before saying, "You were serious? I thought that was a joke to scare me!"

"Not a joke. Well, whaddaya say my queen?"

“I can only say I accept! I assume you both will be visiting occasionally? By the way when should I expect for all of this to take place?”

"In a few days according to my history." I say matter-of-factly. Seeing as we already advanced important events.

“Damn your right! By next month we would have to fight Tirek!”

Chrysalis hisses, "That demon? Nothing but an eldritch abomination!"

"Can't exactly disagree there." I agree.