“Congratulations on your throne once more, sister,” I say, my smile reaching my ears.

“Oh shush, Luna. First of all, this is for both of us. Second of all, it’s not a throne. We are one small fiefdom out of many,” Celestia says, pouting at my teasing.

I put my hoof in front of my mouth, faking a gasp. “You fiend! You haven’t even warmed your seat with your tush yet, and you already dream of conquest? Who’s next in line? One of our neighboring lords? Will Equestria be forcibly united beneath the iron hoof of Lady Celestia?”

My sister’s hoof strikes the back of my head. “I said shush, you insolent peasant!”

“Hey, I thought we were in this together! I’m being cooped!”

“I believe the term you were after is a coup, Luna,” Celestia laughs.

I look around the main hall. Celestia already plans to expand the small keep into a formidable castle, one that will be able to house possible refugees in case of another mass exodus from the Everfree or any other cause. But this is to come later. She’s not even keeping the customary guards near her. Every pony able to hold a weapon has instead been reassigned to where he or she can be useful.

“Your seat of power seems empty,” I tease.

Celestia shrugs. “I have some ponies to aid us. A few messengers, a few guards. There’s no need for more. I doubt there will ever come the time we can’t make it on our own.”

“Our own?”

“Of course,” Celestia says, nuzzling me. “We’re in this together, right, sister? You are a grown mare now, and it would be wrong to treat you as anything less than my equal. I think we should begin with establishing proper relations with our neighbors, and proposing a way of warning each other to danger and sending aid so that we—”

“Actually, sister, I was thinking of doing something else.”

Celestia stops instantly. “Really? Do tell.”

I do tell her. I share my plans of going out there on my own, taking on her old responsibility of protecting ponies and hunting monsters that threatened them. Her face darkens with worry, but I press on. I tell her how I plan on making the roads between our villages safer, how I intend to weed out nests of dangerous creatures, and how I can bring warning to attacks since I will be further out.

Celestia doesn’t respond immediately. She goes near one of the windows, the one that has the Everfree Forest in view. Even now, it encroaches closer to us. Each year it grows a little more, and with it the danger it brings. It is a wonder that this area is as surprisingly safe as it is, but other places are not so lucky.

“No.”

I don’t shout or complain. “Explain why not.”

“ ‘Why not’?” Celestia almost shouts. “Luna, you are only nineteen years old, and you want to travel out in the wilderness by yourself? You can’t. Your place is here, with me. I’m not letting you go out there to die, do you hear me?” Her eyes glisten and her voice trembles, but I close my eyes and ears to that pain.

“You said I’m a grown mare. You said I’m your equal. Was that a lie then? Am I still a little filly, unable to achieve anything on her own?”

“I never said that!” Celestia shouts. She wipes her eyes even though there are no tears, and breathes deeply before continuing. “I’m still older than you, and I know a few things more than you do. I’m asking you to do as I say because—”

“You will always be older than me,” I interrupt her. I’m the very image of stillness and reason. If I shout or act immaturely in any way she will use it against me, and I can’t lose this battle. “Does this mean I will always have to do your bidding? Is this your equality?”

“No, I mean that—”

“Am I always going to know less than you, and have to bow down to your wisdom like—”

“I love you and I don’t want you to get hurt!”

Celestia finally loses it. Tears streak down her cheeks and sits down on the cold stone. I… I can’t stay away. I go near her, and hug her. I’m still smaller than her, still so much smaller. If I am to grow like her it will take me years to reach her height. For now, I am barely as tall as a normal pony, and her hug is the world. Not this harsh one, but one that is safe and warm.

“Just stay here with me, please, Luna,” she begs among her light sobs. One of the guards she mentioned peeks from the threshold and I wave him away. “Please. I will raise the sun every day, you will raise the moon every night, and we can stay here together. Please.”

I allow the hug to continue a few moments more before I pull myself away. “Celestia… Sister, I can’t. There’s more to our marks than raising the sun and the moon.” I hold her face between my hooves and force her to look at me. “You are meant to guide these ponies to a brighter tomorrow. To be their light and hope. That is your duty. Mine is to go out there. I am meant to be out in the dark and bring as much of your light into the night as I can, to make it as safe as it is in my power to do. That is my duty. To be a pale reflection.”

“No, no, no…” she says, crying fully now, and hugs me again. “You’re not a pale reflection, don’t say that again, please don’t. You’re the stars and the moon. You have what I can give you and a thousand thousand more lights of your own. You’re my Luna, my little sister… Stay, please stay. Luna, please stay…”

I want to. I want to stay so much. I want to stay here where it is safe, where we can have food brought to us, where we don’t have to sleep on the ground, and we don’t have to beg. I want to stay with Celestia. I want to, I want to stay so much it hurts.

“I’ve got to go, sister. This is my duty…”

The castle is behind me. I know that Celestia watches out of one of the windows. She is sure to be able to see me as I stand on top of this hill. I don’t look back. My resolve would break if I did. I do this for the right reasons. I do this for her.

I wait for the sun to go down. It creeps down to a sunset, and for a minute it freezes in place, not moving, the wondrous colors staying still for longer than they should. Celestia tries to keep the sun up as long as possible, to delay me from leaving, but she has to lower it and she knows it.

The sun is gone. Now is my turn.

I close my eyes, and I feel the moon. I feel her peace and quiet, and use her stillness to ease the turmoil in my heart. I let myself get lost in her, feeling limbless and serene, floating among the stars. I call her to come out, playfully, and it’s almost as if she laughs. She teases me for a moment, like she does every time, wondering which of her dress, her shapes, she would wear, but it’s only a game. Her habit is ingrained in her deeply, and won’t break her routine unless I ask her to. I do this now. I ask her to let me see her whole and light my way this first of nights. She obliges, and I love her so much.

Almost as much as Celestia.

I open my eyes, and the night welcomes me, with all its sounds and sights. It begins. It finally begins. It’s so beautiful. The stars fill the cloudless sky, twinkling so bright despite the full moon. Her light is so soft, a silver blue that is so restful, and everything has changed, dressed in the shades of the night. Even the air itself feels different. It even smells different. It is beautiful, and everypony is missing it. They cower behind locked doors, afraid to go outside where they feel blind and exposed.

Not anymore. Not with me here. I will make it right. I smile at the moon, and give her a silent promise. Give me a few years, and everypony will see you and love you as I do, I tell her. I make sure my saddlebags are secure, and my supplies safe. I recount my weapons. Daggers, sword, spear. I bring my spells to mind. I am ready.

I spread my wings, and fly into the night sky.

If I heard crying behind me, I give it no notice.

I open my saddlebag and take out a few hardtacks to eat while I sit next to the tracks I’ve been following. Hard as always, maybe more, it has been some time since I got them after all, but filling. I check my saddlebags to do a recount. I’m running out of food. Even taking advantage of the summer berries, roots, and fruits, my rations have been almost bled dry, and autumn is almost upon us. I won’t be able to rely on foraging to fill my bland menu anymore.

It’s no matter, I think as I chew happily. It’s been over a month. I will go back and resupply at the castle. Our castle. I will rest on a bed again. Have a few proper meals, hot and tasty. And best of all, see Celestia again. I grin at the thought. I’ve missed her so much. Maybe we can go flying together, or have some other fun. Maybe, I hope as I take the last bite, she’s missed me enough to allow me to sleep with her on her bed, like we did when I was a filly. I might be grown, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be allowed to act a little childish every now and then, right?

I take a long drink from my waterskin. It’s almost empty as well. No matter. I will find something sooner or later. I’m not going thirsty. What I’m more interested in now is these tracks. The sooner I get finished with them, the sooner I can start on my way back home.

Home. We have a home.

Right, tracks. Something big, very big. Heavy as well, especially at the front. It has a tail as well, and it tends to drag it. The prints are almost circular and there’s not much in the way of identifying marks, but they are so big and deep even a blind pony could follow it. Whatever this thing is, it must be dangerous.

I pick up my things and continue my hunt. It likes to stick on paths, natural or not. That makes it easier for me. I’ll catch up in no time. This is what I think for some time, until I reach a fork in the path.

Strange. Did the beast get lost? The prints are all over the place, as if it was running around back and forth. It is easy to make out which direction it went in the end nevertheless. All I have to do is follow the prints that are on top. From what I can see it went to the right at first, heading deeper into this forest, and must have gone for some distance, further than I can see. Then it came back and took the left fork.

I should follow it, but I’m curious. Did it change its mind or did it see something at the other path first? Maybe its path was blocked by something worse and it decided to retreat? I decide to follow the right path for a couple hundred meters, see what I can find out.

I see all I have to see a few meters down the path. The ground is softer here, the dirt staying softer under the shadow of the trees instead of getting baked by the sun. It was hunting something. I look closer. Something small. Quadruped. I find a clear print.

It was hunting a pony. A young one. Not on my watch. Not when Luna is around. Not—

The beast went down the left fork afterwards. Did its prey escape and give up or… or did it catch it and went back on its way?

Please, no. No. Let the child have escaped. Please. I’m coming, young one. I’m coming. Please, be alive. Be alive. I’m here, I’ll save you.

I run, praying all the while.

I heave, and everything I ate and drank ends up pooling between the roots of a tree.

The child didn’t escape.

It didn’t escape. I was too late, I wasn’t here, I was supposed to protect them and I… I wasn’t here. If I had woken earlier or didn’t waste time on the road, if I did anything at all to be here sooner, then—

Oh stars, this poor child. This poor little colt. I wipe the tears away. I need to gather the remains and…

“Get away from him, you bucking carrions!” I blast a branch nearby with a magic bolt and the crows fly off and away from the colt’s head. They fly to the top of the trees, and wait patiently for the chance to continue their late night feast.

I rush to the remains, and see that I was too late. Again. One of the eyes is gone. I gulp, and feel my stomach tremble even empty as it is. There’s- There’s not much left. Just the head, some of the...

I can’t endure thinking about it. I empty one of my saddlebags, and use a blanket to reverently gather everything. I make sure I even wipe as much of the blood from the ground as I can. I won’t leave anything for the predators and carrions. Nothing. It all fits into my small saddlebag, and my heart breaks.

I stay there for a few minutes, weeping helplessly. I shouldn’t stay here, the blood will attract more predators, they will come for me and the sad cargo I carry. I should leave, but I can’t. My heart is shattered, and I can’t move until I cry my pain out. I sob, I scream, I curse, I beg for this vile act to be undone, no matter the price. Nothing helps. The colt is still dead.

Nothing left but to carry it… home. Take it to its family. Oh dear stars, the colt’s family. What am I going to say? How can I give them these sad remains? I close my eyes and hold back one last sob. I have to do it. It’s my duty. I found the child, and I need to bring it back. I need to find the village it came from. There must be one nearby.

I reach the fork and take the same path the murderous beast took. If I’m lucky I will find it on the way, and have some small comfort to give to the family. Only if I happen upon it though. The family takes priority. The news I have to give them. Stars, I never thought of- I never dreamed that I would have to do this. I didn’t think of it.

It’s what I chose, and what I have to do. Celestia did it a few times as well. I remember it well. Every time she spent the night muffling her crying, trying not to wake me as she held me tight. I pretended I was asleep. I didn’t know what else to do but let her take any comfort she could by holding me. I wish she was here so she could hold me again.

The colt must have lived near here, unless it was part of some caravan or travelling group. I should check the nearest village. I’m not completely sure where I am at the moment, and the night doesn’t lend itself well to making out landmarks. If that is the Canter mountain over there then maybe I am close to Huffington. I’ve been there with Celestia before. There was this old mare that baked us a pie.

The more I think about it, the more sure I am. I mustn’t be away at all. If I follow the path I should end—

No. Luna, you idiot, no. No! How could I do this, how could I be so stupid! Fly, I’ve got to fly, I’ve got to make sure!

I walk among the lit torches and the crying ponies. They all look at me strangely. Hostile. They’ve got this right. I failed them, even if they don’t know it. I should have thought of the village first, make sure I gave warning, but how could I ignore these little tracks? How could I have given up on a child?

An older stallion with a dark blue mane holds himself better than the rest, and he seems like he would be friendly enough if it wasn’t for what I suspect has occurred tonight. “Excuse me, could you tell me what happened?” I ask quietly.

“What does it look like?” the stallion answers bitterly. “Another monster, more dead. Five this time.” He eyes me up and down, and like everypony he stares at my starry mane. He frowns. “Came in the dark, like they always do. Too bad your sister wasn’t here.”

“You know me?” I ask, surprised.

The stallion spits on the ground. “Hard to forget you or your sister. It’s not like the world is filled with horned pegasi. Is she still alive? How come you’re not with her?”

“I travel alone now. I… I’m hunting down monsters, warn villages of attacks if possible. Do what I can.” I feel like a hypocrite. I did nothing of the sorts. I failed.

The stallion’s expression hardens as he obviously thinks exactly the same. Then his expression changes to surprise and revulsion. “Young mare, what in the sun’s name do you have in your saddlebag?”

The blood seeped through and stained the dark fabric. Sweeping all that blood was a mistake. The bag drips, slowly, and the smell is overpowering. I didn’t notice it before or got too used to it.

I take the saddlebag off, and lower it down carefully while the stallion watches with hard eyes. A few ponies around lift their crude weapons a little higher. I open the saddlebag, and take out the grizzly blanket.

“I found tracks in the forest. They were made by a pony, a young one. I followed them, but it was too late by then. I gathered the remains.” I unfold the blanket. “Did this colt live here—”

A high pitched scream interrupts me, full of pain and misery. I look to the side, and see a mare screaming and crying as she tries to reach the body. Ponies hold her back and try to turn her aside, but the mare won’t have it. She sobs uncontrollably and shakes her head in denial, begging the ponies around her to tell her it’s a lie, that her colt is fine, that it isn’t him, but she tries to reach the body anyway because she knows the truth.

She faints at the end. It’s a mercy for everypony involved. I don’t think I could have watched her a second longer. “That was…” I say needlessly.

“Piper’s mother,” the stallion says. “Now both of her children are dead.” He turns away. “It would have been better if you had left him in the forest. At least then she could have hoped he got lost and ended elsewhere. She would know he was dead, but a part of her would always hope, ‘what if?’ Now you took that from her.”

“I’m sorry. I tried, but—”

“Yeah, I bet you did.” He watches with haunted eyes as a couple of ponies quickly pick up the pieces that used to be a colt. The stallion turns back to me and his face twists in anger. “You tried, and fat load of good you did. Piper’s dead, the hydra ate his brother as well as others, and it left with it’s belly satisfied and in peace, but you’re here saying that you tried, so it’s all okay, isn’t it? That’s great. You tried.”

“I’m sorry, but—”

“Just get out of here,” he says, dismissing me with a voice that betrays his utter exhaustion.

I can’t leave like this, I can’t. I have to make them understand. I tried, I really did. I didn’t want this to happen. “Please, you don’t understand. I’m… I’m trying to make it all better, I really am. It’s why I am out here. I want to make the night safer for all of you, and I will do whatever it takes until you can all stay safely outside and see the beauty that I—”

The stallion pushes me, hard. Every pony stops what they are doing to look. “Get out of here,” he hisses in a whisper.

“But—”

“No. You get out of here, you never come back, and you take your idiocies about the night and shove them up your flank!” He speaks quietly so the others don’t hear him, but the hate is obvious in his eyes, and the rage as well. “Don’t you dare say to me that you expect forgiveness or absolvement. You wanted to hunt monsters and warn ponies? Well, you failed. You failed, and this? This is your fault now. You made it your fault. So get out of here before I decide I should take out the blame for what happened on you.”

“Listen, please, next time I’ll-”

“My sons are dead!” the stallions roars to my face. There are tears at the corners of his eyes but he doesn’t let them fall. “Go! Just go.” He begs, as if any more words will turn him into a sobbing wreck. What else can I do?

I leave.

I found it.

I found the fucking hydra. Two days and two nights spent awake, searching for the smallest sign of its passing, killing lesser beasts as I rampaged through the forest, but I found it. I fucking found it, and it will pay. It will pay!

Six heads. Six pairs of jaws seeking my flesh. Ridiculous. It doesn’t stand a chance. I’m not here to fight it. I’m here to make it suffer. My weapons are caught in my magic, hovering next to me as I fly around the snapping teeth. Three daggers, one sword, one spear. All that I need.

The daggers zoom for a separate head’s eye each, seeking the brain behind. I don’t have to be so refined with the others. The spear and the sword are long and sturdy enough to reach their target from any path, and they move with force that I’ve never wielded before. Five heads fall down dead.

The one head that is left alive howls in pain, both physical and emotional. Its brothers, or sisters, I don’t care, are dead! It cries out its pitiful roars for them to wake up, and they don’t. It even bends down to prod them with its snout.

It’s screams are music, but I’m not done yet. Magic gathers at my horn, and I launch it. It crashes on a head, one of the dead ones, and it explodes in a shower of gore. The sight makes the last living head’s scream reach a new crescendo.

“Not so funny seeing your family desecrated, is it, beast? Hold on, we’re not done yet!” I promise. It sees me fly around and its mourning fury is directed at me, but only fleetingly. One more head explodes, and the hydra screams. Again. Again. As soon as the pain stops, I bring it back anew.

The heads are gone, and the hydra bleeds profusely. It’s going to die soon, but I won’t let it go gently, I won’t let it fade to death from simple blood loss. I avoid its teeth once more, and my horn pierces its back.

There is no spell for what I want to do, none that I have learned or created, but I have so much more magic than everypony I ever met, save perhaps my sister. I focus on what I want to do, what I want my magic to bring. Pain. Pure, undiluted pain. I want the hydra to suffer in agony. I want it to feel its skin burn, I want it to feel its flesh shredded, I want it to scream!

“Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die...”

I stop, my exhaustion finally catching up with me. I have no strength left to strike the hydra. No. No hydra. That’s not a monster. Not anymore.

There is nothing left of it. Nothing recognizable anyway. Just… chunks of meat, some of them sizzling, others frozen, most just torn apart with teeth and hoof. I’ve been beating on the last head for the last ten minutes. There is nothing left, it’s not even recognizable as such. Just a mess of bone, meat, blood, and brains.

It’s done. It’s done. It’s dead. It’s finally dead.

The ponies are still dead. The colt is still dead. I’ve achieved nothing. Nothing.

I take my weapons and leave the slaughter behind me in a daze. I can barely walk in a straight line. I rest against a tree for a moment before I try again, and I stumble on my way once more. I need to find a lake or a river, a waterhole or something, to wash off the blood. My coat is completely covered in red. Then I should… I should…

I should make sure the next village is fine. I’ve learned my lesson. I can’t be there for everypony. The many must take priority. Even a colt, an innocent colt, must be set second to the potential many. This could have been so much worse if it was more than one monster. I was lucky. This could have been so much worse. It… It wasn’t so bad all considered. Just need to be more careful next time. Keep my head straight. That’s all.

That’s all.

I’ve got no rations left, but that’s okay. I will find something on the way. Now I need to keep on. I can’t go back to Celestia yet. That would be childish and irresponsible. I have work to do. My duty is calling to me. I need to move as fast as I can. Always move. I don’t have time to stop. I can’t stop. I won’t stop.

It’s getting colder. Autumn is almost here.

I throw more wood to the fire. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to endure the cold of this damned winter, but at least I don’t feel even the slightest trace of hunger anymore. There’s plenty of water too. All I have to do is melt some of the snow around me, and there. As much water as I could possibly want.

I’ve drank much of it already. I keep boiling it and drinking it while it’s almost scalding hot. Anything to fight off this damned cold. I hope this blood I spat out is just a result of the cough tormenting me, and not anything worse, but I can’t be sure. Everything hurts, and I don’t think it’s just the cold. I think it’s something worse.

I can feel my insides like a tangible pain, as impossible as it seems. My joints ache with the slightest movement, and all I have to do is look at my legs to see what has happened to me. I haven’t eaten anything in weeks. My body is eating itself, and my muscles have shrunk.

I’m slowly starving to death. If it wasn’t for the evidence of my own eyes, the hurts that ail me, and the knowledge that nothing other than water has passed my lips, I would scarcely believe it. There is no hunger. Just a desire in the back of my head to lie down, huddle closer to the fire, shut my eyes, and wait for the end.

Maybe I should head back. I can’t make it through the winter without supplies. The roots are hidden under the snow, the berries and fruits are gone, and the fields are empty with every pony having gathered their harvest.

I… I could ask for some food from a village. I could knock on a door, and beg them to feed me, help me, save me, maybe let me stay for a day and sleep out of the cold and the wind…

I can’t. What if there has been a monster there that I wasn’t there for? What if somepony got lost in the woods and I wasn’t there to find them? What if I have been there already, only bringing back a corpse and apologies?

I don’t want to do this again. I don’t want to bring back another corpse. I had to do it twice more after the first time. I can’t do it again. I can’t hear them scream, I can’t stand the accusation in their eyes when they look at me, the way their tears ask, ‘why did you fail again? What’s your excuse this time?’

No excuse. The best I managed so far was a shrug and to say, “ponies die.” It made her cry harder, but it turned her away from me at least. That was a blessing. I didn’t know what else to say. I did, but I doubt telling that mare to keep a closer eye on the rest of her family lest she let them die as well would go as well. But the temptation to do so was so strong.

I’ll just leave the body the next time. Just drop it and go without saying anything. I know there will be a next time. I’m not good enough. I try, but I know that I’m not good enough. It doesn’t help that these ponies are so useless! Why do they let each other out of sight? Why don’t their lords use their soldiers more efficiently? Why don’t the guards do their bucking job?

Stars, it’s so cold.

It’s never been so cold before. Never felt it like this at least. I know why, but that doesn’t help me. I need food or else I’ll die. Either from the cold, hunger, or simple lethargy. I feel ancient, and as if I’ve lived so much longer than I should. I shake my head to throw these thoughts away. That’s the starvation talking, not me. I don’t want to die. I don’t. I want to live. I want to survive.

I could go back. Back to Celestia, and cease this madness. I can’t do this. I can’t. I’m only nineteen years old, what was I thinking? What do I know? I can’t believe I fought Celestia tooth and hoof so I could spend my nights freezing and hungry. I’ll just go back and…

What will I say? When she asks me why I changed my mind? How will I tell her that so many ponies are dead because of me? How can I possibly excuse myself when I failed to do so so many times already?

What if she decides to come out here in my place?

No, no, no! No, she can’t! She won’t be able to do it, she won’t, not even her. It’s too much, she will break, she will cry, she will hurt! I can’t let my sister get hurt, not like this, I can’t let her feel like this. She had her share of this pain already, and it’s better me than her. I can do it. It’s just winter. I can take it. A few more weeks, and then it will be spring, and there will be food everywhere. All I have to do is be patient.

I shiver once more, and sneeze. I pull the blanket tighter around me and try to inch closer to the flames. I’m not sure whether I’ll make to spring. I’ll try, but I don’t hold high hopes. The cold might get me before that. I wonder if they’ll ever find my body, fallen over cold ashes, or if something will have eaten my corpse before they find me. If Celestia will never hear anything about me again, and will spent her life wondering what happened to me.

I don’t want to die. I don’t. I don’t. I need to hold out, I need to be patient. Just a little more. The worst is almost behind me. I just need to endure. It’s almost over. Either I make it or I don’t. Either way, it’s almost over.

Something moves to my left. I instantly turn around, my horn charging with magic. Squirrels. It’s just three squirrels. That’s all it is. Stars, I thought I was going to die, that something was on me sooner than I expected. Huh. Look at that! How strange. They carry acorns, one each, and do my eyes deceive me or are they… They do! They offer them to me. Precious little things, they must have realized my peril and offer me their food.

Three acorns. That’s all I have to eat now. I suppose I could use some rocks and my spit, and make a paste out of them. Three acorns. I will have to lick it off the rock, it won’t be enough to even fill a spoonful. Still, it’s more than I had a minute ago. It’s more than I have eaten in weeks.

I glance at the squirrels. They seem to smile at me and each other, like they congratulate themselves for their charity. Look at them. Such plump squirrels. I bet they have burrows full of acorns, and now that they have brought me one each they pat each other on the back. Then they will go back in their holes, where they’ll be warm and safe, and stuff themselves full of their food, getting fatter and fatter…

My magic snaps the necks of two of them. The last one manages to get away.

I take a dagger out. I have no idea how to do this, but I’ve heard that griffins eat meat. So do minotaurs. If they can do it, I can do it too. I won’t need the head. There’s no meat on it anyway. Off it goes.

Legs as well. Not the thighs though. There seems to be enough meat on them. Stars, I haven’t even tried it, but I already feel like I’m about to regurgitate. No, I don’t care if it’s meat. I will eat. It will let me live. That’s enough.

The tail goes next. The coat… The coat is an issue. How do I take it out? Do I shave it? I think for a little while. Maybe if I do a cut vertically here, and… yes, at the legs as well, then if I press the tip of the dagger beneath I can get a grip and—

That’s disgusting. That was disgusting in every sense of the word, but there is no trace of fur left. Now, I suppose I will use a sharp, thin branch and… No. No, what about the insides? Can I eat them? I doubt it. Maybe I can, but I think they will make me sick at the very least. Even as bad as my situation is I can’t fathom eating their intestines and… what they contain. I could, but I really don’t want to go through with this only to throw it all up again if I get sick.

I open them up, and very carefully take out their insides. Huh, they are hollow like a doll now. They don’t even look like squirrels anymore. This will make it easier. The less I think about what I’m doing, how I’m paying their charity back, the better.

I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, but I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want to die out here in the cold.

I wash them off with plenty of water and skewer them. Then I place them next to the fire and wait. It took me a while to figure out I should be turning them around every little while. In the end, I may have cooked them more than I should have. The meat is almost black as charcoal, but I didn’t want to take chances.

I hesitate before I take the first bite, but the knowledge of the void in my belly wins. I have to. I have to. I take a small nibble and seconds later I ravenously rip the meat from the tiny bones with my teeth. They taste like the best meal in my life. The sense of chewing food again, the juices in my mouth, the feeling as it slides down my throat, my stomach finally getting filled. It’s heaven. Food. I’d forgotten how it feels to eat. It’s like a tangible difference that only now is made plain to me, the one between living and slowly dying. Finally, food. Life.

If only I had caught the third one as well.

I can make it. I can make it through the winter. All I have to do is be on the lookout for animals. Even if I don’t find them… Yes, that will be appropriate. I hunt monsters anyway. It won’t do to let all the meat go to waste. Even the worst of them have to have something on them that’s edible. I’ll figure it out.

I take a last look up at the branches in hopes I see another squirrel, but no luck. No other animal either. Nothing but stars up there.

I forget my troubles of a few seconds.

Doesn’t matter. I think I can go to sleep now, and let my body do its best on digesting a meal after all this time. I throw some more wood in the fire, and lay back with the last blanket I have left. I left the other one behind, at that village. Shame. It was just blood. I could have washed it in a river and it would have helped keep me warm now. The disgust and any other feelings I had over it have withered against the cold. That was a mistake I won’t do again.

This is easy. I can do it. I have everything I need. As long as I’m not horribly hurt or my weapons and tools break, I can stay out here on my own for months. Years even. What’s the need anyway? I can raise the moon from everywhere, not that anypony really cares if I do or not, they stay locked in their warm houses every night anyway. Now that I can feed myself there will be no problems. Everything will be fine. I can… I can do it.

I burrow into my blanket and try not to weep, but I can’t. The tears come. Soon, I start crying like I never cried back when I was a filly. I can’t help it. I’m scared and alone. I keep seeing that look of surprise on the squirrel's face, the instant of fear on that last one before it ran. I want to go home. I want Celestia. I want my big sister. I’m cold, and I’m still hungry. I want to go home, but I can’t. I can’t go home. I chose this. I chose this.

I love you and I don’t want you to get hurt!

“I don’t want you to get hurt either, Celestia,” I whisper before I drift off to sleep.