Non Canon Theater #2: We Do Movies

A/N: Non Canon Theater is my version of shorts that have absolutely no effect on the storyline whatsoever. Yup, it's exactly what you make of it, my take on Trollfic writing. Except this one is me trying my very hardest to make it Grammar correct. I know right? Anyway, enjoy the incoherent, incomprehensible, Non Canon Theater!

I walked up with the mane six, looking all swagadelic in my fedora, YES I WEAR THEM, DEAL WITH IT! Hoof in paw with Princess Luna, we stride down the red carpet in a haters gonna hate fashion, the Wonderbolts streak across the sky. Honestly I seriously think they have bad gas sometimes, especially the one that has lightning trailing him. We smile at the oncoming crowd of paparazzi, the camera's flashing to capture our hardboiled outfits.

I flash a smile, widest I can at a group of shutterflies, who swoon at my badass clothes and my sexy, yet fluffy face, which grasps the 'd'aw's and 'mmm's of the crowd all at once.

"Sorry ladies, this love train's taken by it's one and ONLY passenger, your very own Princess Luna," I look at Princess Luna, her plot donning a very coquetish evening gown, similar to a mix of Dracula's Bride and sulty housemaid. She leans up close to me, her face smiling in an amorous fashion.

"Mmm, Woof..." she whispers as she starts to nibble on my ear.

*DING*

'HI HONEY!!!' I try to restrain myself as I lean towards her ear.

"Not in front of the press..." She looks at me and pouts, "... later," I whisper. She beams and keeps walking. I seriously gotta get that bitch a cannon, BITCHES LOVE CANNONS! I look back and see the entire mane 6 looking at me, blushing.

"WAAAASURE CHATTA YUUU~ (I Forgot about them...)" I stand, shocked at the possibility that they might have heard me... Oh god...

The movie we got invited to was a production made by Studio 7, okay guys, real original. In all honesty, from what I've heard, the producer and director made this movie, literally in their sleep. I'm not bloody kidding, they SLEPTWALKED and made a fuchen movie. How in the everloving fuck does that even happen? On that train of thought, magnets, HOW DO THEY WORK!? Dammit I'm getting off topic again. Now where was I? Oh God...

I hear giggleing behind me, THAT'S WHAT I WAS FORGETTING... SHIT! Must... retain... innocence... of... technicolored... PONIES!

"Umm... I... uh... OH LOOK, A DISTRACTION!" I point in the opposite direction of the theater, everyone looks at where I'm going.

'HORY SHIET! IT ACTUALLY WORKS!' I take out a smokebomb from my suit and throw it on the ground.

*POMF*

Yes... they do actually make that sound. Luna and I rush to our seats in the theater as fast as we can, me carrying Luna in my arms.

"RUNRUNRUN, RUN LIEK A BAWSE, RUN LIEK A BAWSE!" We zoom past the ticket waiter, grabbing a huge tub of movie popcorn, and jump over what seemed like thirty something chairs.

sv_gravity 0.01

We slam into our seats and give a sigh of relief. Or so we thought.

"YAY! You brought the popcorn!" SHIT! I look to my right and see Pinkie Pie already there. HOW THE-

...

...

...

*Aoi Processing Cycle*

I'm not gonna finish my sentence. I facepalm and look up at the movie screen, sighing visibly. You know, in anime where you see characters sigh a cutout white mushroom? It's somewhat discomforting to actually SEE IT!

"Well, hopefully this thing won't make us go to sleep like the last movie." Wait, I know that voice! I turn around to see Discord, feet propped up on the back of Pinkie's chair, munching on a cotton candy cloud.

"DABURU?! (Double?!)" My jaw drops as Discord finishes the cotton candy cloud on the paper cone, only to twirl it in Pinkie's hair and start munching on...

*Aoi Processing Cycle*

....

...

*STILL COMPREHENDING REALITY DAMMIT!*

"YOU'RE EATING HAIR!" I look back at Pinkie happily chomping away on...

"MY POPCORN!" I grab the tub of popcorn from her hooves. Her hair mysteriously grows back as she tries to grab another handful of popcorn. Grabbing nothing, she looks down in surprise then looks at me with a sad pout, her hair deflating...

*D'aw Switch*

'Oh God... willpower instantly draining... aaaaaaaand gone...'

"Oh fine..." I hand the tub back with a groan. Her hair poofs back up instantly right as the previews finish.

"Someone... brain bleach... please..." I cover my eyes and Luna's. NOT SAFE FOR WOONA!!! Okay, first off, the movie had crappy music, ripping off from starwars on SO MANY DAMN LEVELS, all to watch a guy eat a mayo sandwich. The thing didn't even had any lettuce, tomatoes, nothing. Just damn mayonaise. The rest of the movie was a 90 minute romantic comedy. The horrible fact was it was not yet rated so they managed to slap in so many...

... Oh no...

.. Don't do that!...

... THE MELON TOO?...

... What...in the literal FUCK!...

... AAAAAAUGH! Oh god...

... HOW IS THAT EVEN ANATOMICALLY POSSIBLE!!!...

... *BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEGH*...

"FUCK THIS THREAD, I'M OUT!" I grab Luna's hoof and stop out the door. Welp, my innocence, as well as so many others, have been incestuously ruined by a romantic comedy by two sleepwalking dudes and their wet dreams. If I didn't know any better, I'd say they actually KNOW about rule 34, even down to the SUB ARTICLES. Luna was shivering at the atrocity she had just witnessed. To be known, THAT wasn't even rule 34, that was all the creepy fetish boards of the internet rolled into a tootsie pop and given to a baby! I walked up to the producer's seat and punched him in the face.

"WHEN YOU MADE THIS MOVIE, DID YOU THROW AWAY YOUR SENSE OF DIGNITY AS WELL?" I said to the pony I just throttled.

"SERIOUSLY, How in Equis did you manage to get two ponies to agree to do..." I vomited all over the producer as the scene with the Ice box and the Pineapple came to mind. Seriously though, vomit is hell to get out of your fur. I should know, I'm a wolf now. By the end of the movie, I had to drag the mane six one by one out of the theater, especially Fluttershy, locked in the fetal position, spouting shocked, incoherent twaddle-speak.

"Please let this work..." I rustle through my suit and somehow managed to pull out an entire gallon jug of brain bleach. By Celestia's sweaty tampons, I swear it literally said, 'Brain Bleach, 100% by content'.

*Awkward silence*...

"It's MAGIC, OKAY? I ain't got to explain SHIT!" I say to all the haters out there. DAS RIET, AH SEE U OUT DER! I pour the gallon of brain bleach on the mane 6 and Luna, then down the leftovers.

"CLEANSING POWERS, ACTIVATE!" Oh God... I forgot brain bleach was poisonous if injested.

I wake up in the Hospital later, Luna tending to me at my bedside. I creak my mouth open to state my obvious surroundings.

"Fahja... Fahja is dat yu?" WRONG! Brain.exe still loading proper recognition components...

Fatal Exception has Occured: Proper Recognition components are missing.

'DAMMIT! I knew I should've switched to Vista...' Luna looked at me with wide eyes.

"Are you okay?"

"Sweetheart, the only thing that hurts right now is my everything," OKAY! One, did I just call Luna a sweetheart? Two, SELF DIAGNOSTIC!

"Ears, fine, Face, still fluffy, hands, still paws, crotch, unkicked, internal organs... NOT GOOD!" I look to my left and see X-Rays of my internal organs, died PINK! WHAT THE HELL?

"I thought those X-Rays only came in blue?" The question that kills it all.

"They are blue..." Oh god... is there anything ELSE you'd like to do to me, universe of insane Multi-colored ponies?

"Well, other than the fact that I now see everything in a shade of cotton candy, there's also the brain damage, and the brain damage, and the brain damage..." I hate you TFS...

"Well, Hopefully you get well soon." Luna kisses me on the muzzle. MANRY SWITCH REACTIVATED! I shoot up, standing fully recovered, striking a victory pose.

"WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!" I love this world. I slip on a leather jacket and somehow we are outside and Luna and I are on a motorcyle with High handle bars. She looks at me in amazement because of the sudden changes in appearance, and reality. Her jaw drops to the ground before saying something I hope I'm not mishearing.

"I WANT TO DO A SEX ON YOU!" Must... resist... urge... To...

"Cool..." DAMMIT!!! My vision suddenly becomes darker. I reach up to my face to find...

WHY AM I WEARING SUNGLASSES!!!

Yeah, I know what you must be thinking. You probably feel Butthurt, and most likely you are wondering what I am smoking. Deal with it, cause I'm not telling. Hopefully this'll tide you over until I can continue with the storyline, which will probably be when I draw Zeta Hugging Rachel, or robot Griffin, whichever comes first. Tata, enjoy the fact that I just stole your lungs.