“What the fuck are you smiling about?"

Quick recap. Ren and I have been capture by Skaven, a race of giant sentient rat people. They are all armed and presumably skilled. One of them looks like something that should have died about ten plagues ago. Another is some kind of master assassin. And I’m pretty sure their leader is going to fuck me.

So yeah. Back to FUBAR. Cause my last visit just wasn’t enough! But that leaves one important question.

Why does Ren have a huge as fuck grin on his face?

“Because we’re Bast,” he said simply.

“Believe me. I’ve noticed. I love my cat reflexes as much as the next guy, but it’s not something to get excited about. Especially considering our current clusterfuck.”

“Do you realize I’ve gone my whole life calling myself a cat-person? Do you know how degrading it is not to be able to correct racist fuck-wads who refer to me as a kitty-man? Now I can finally look those bastards straight in the eye and proudly say: I AM A BAST!”

“Sorry to interrupt your epiphany,” cooed the priestess, “but would you kindly SHUT UP!” Rat bitch had been on edge since the Rotter had said I ‘smelled funny.’ I wasn’t really sure, but it seemed like she was afraid of something.
Which she should, cause the second I get out of here...

Let’s just say that I’ve been dipping into my ‘Shit to do to Somnambula’ folder. I was torn between skinning her alive and forcing her to eat her own hand. Granted, I probably would just go for the quick kill because I couldn’t stomach doing either of those things, but it was a nice thought.

The Skaven had slept the day away then force marched us through the night. Needless to say, we nearly dropped dead when they camped for the day. I’ve pulled all-nighters playing the Binding of Isaac, but sitting on your ass in front of a computer is a whole lot different from hiking through a rainforest.

Night two was looking to be no different. And we were approaching the border to Black Marsh. In that stereotypical fashion, time was running out.

“We will if you tell us where we are going.”

“Sheol. A giant underground city where you will be taken, studied, deemed worthless, given to me as a reward, raped to death, and stuffed. Happy?” she asked with a cruel smile.

“Yeah…I’m good thanks.” I was really glad no one could see my skin under the fur because I’m sure I’d be white as a sheet.

“Hey, don’t worry so much kid,” the Specter told me. “It’ll be fine.” For some reason I had a real hard time believing him.
Nothing about these people screamed fine. It screamed bloody murder! The bad feeling was confirmed when he asked the question.

“Are you a masochist?” I turned to the grinning Skaven with a look that spoke of limitless horror and disgust. “Oh. Then you’re doomed.” He let out a loud laugh that was repeated by most of the soldiers. The priestess looked back at me and winked.

It was good luck they hadn’t given us anything to eat. I probably would have thrown it back up right then and there.

For three hours there was total silence from us. The troopers discussed whatever thoughts came to mind. Most of it was trivial or something that I couldn’t understand without context. I did find out a couple things. Apparently, the priestess owned all of them and by extension us.

Not hard to figure out they used a caste system.

The rest was crap. I didn’t even catch any names. Not that I can tell these bastards apart anyway. It’s the same problem I had with the Bast!

Huh…Ren’s right. It is better having a name for our species.

“Never took you for a history buff,” I whispered to the aforementioned Ren. I guess I should mention that our hands were bound in front of us and connected by a rope. We were forced to walk sideways, which was a real problem in a place so thick with trees.

“It’s what I’ve been doing my whole life. Always been fascinated by our past. Pity we’ve lost so much of it.” He let out a soft sigh. Seemed he really was a history buff. “It’s actually why we’re going to Stalliongrad.”

“Knew that supplies thing was stupid.” If we needed supplies, he wouldn’t have spent the past two weeks teaching me how to survive without them. “So what’s our real business?”

“The long and short of it is that in my youth I worked for an archeologist named Copper Scope.”

“An archeologist like Daring Do?”

“Hardly. He was more the type to sit in a lab than raiding temples. He hired us for the daring do. We agreed on the notion that he’d tell us everything he found. And he did.”

“I’m guessing he’s in Stalliongrad.”

“Yep. And we’re going to see him.”

“Why?”

“We found a tablet once that he was certain revealed the location of our lost homeland.”

“The Bast weren’t always in the jungle?”

“No, we were. But it was apparently a lot bigger. The slab was written in a dead language none of us could read, so after a few years he got frustrated and sold it to a private collector to help cover the expedition’s expenses.” I actually heard him growl a bit before he continued. “We had a large fight immediately after that resulted in our termination. He went back home and we continued searching for answers.”

“I think I know the rest. You figured out how to read it somehow so we’re going to Stalliongrad to find out who he sold the slab to so you can translate it. Then we go on some epic adventure to find the secrets of our past.”

“Basically.”

“You could have just told me from the beginning, you know.”

“Well, I didn’t exactly trust you back then.”

“And you trust me now?”

“If you didn’t kill me after Atheris, you probably aren’t my enemy.”

“Ah, but what if that was my plan all along? To lure you in to a false sense of security?”

“Irrelevant considering where you are right now.” Both of us nearly jumped in surprise at the sound of her voice. Without warning, the priestess raised her staff and bashed us both in the head. “When I say stop talking, I mean STOP TALKING! I hear one more word from either of you before we reach Sheol and I will feed your souls to demons! Understand?” We both nodded quickly. Our hands were literally tied in this situation. “Good.” She walked off leaving the two of us in silence.

Alright, so he’s using me to help him solve some kind of ancient historical riddle. Funny, I would have sworn it was going to be some kind of revenge scheme. Still, can’t do that while trapped by Skaven.

There has to be a way out of this. There always is. Hell, if I can crawl out of a giant snake’s mouth I can find some way out of this. Now let’s see…

There are thirteen of them and two of us. One seems to be a lot more physically skilled. Another could probably rot us from the inside out. And the bitch in charge…no idea what she can do.

They took all our weapons, except for the hidden blade. Losing my arm might actually save our asses! Still not worth it though. Three rats are holding the blades, and another two have my satchel and Ren’s backpack. Glad they didn’t decide to cut my other arm off for the snake. Wait…

I looked down at the bracelet that had placed itself around my wrist. It was magic, I knew that much. Non-magic jewelry didn’t just come to life and attach itself to you. It probably just needed some kind of catalyst. A special word or gesture, some kind of spell. Maybe…

Wow. It has really pretty eyes…

They were to. Pure onyx black that shone even in moonlight. Amazingly detailed to. I could even make out the slit pupils. I could actually believe a god made this. It was…entrancing.

I don’t know how long I was lost in the depths of its eyes, but I’m surprised I didn’t trip or run into a tree. I think it was a side effect of the whole cat thing. I was much more balance, even if the entire structure of my foot had changed. No more heel toe, it was all toe.

Going off topic. Back to the eyes. The beautiful eyes. I must have stared in them for at least an hour. My mind was blank. I recall the troopers wondering if I was bewitched. I wasn’t really paying attention. Something important was happening. Something inside my head.

Images and words were swirling around like a maelstrom. I couldn’t make any of them out, they were moving too fast. Until one word forced itself to the forefront.

“Excitaret.”

A flash of light went off from deep inside the onyx eyes. The feel of cold metal turned to warm scales. The snake slowly picked its head up and looked at me. Its forked, very organic tongue flicked out as it looked at me quizzically.

Well…that’s interesting.

“What was that noise?”

My brain immediately called a panic. This could be our one shot at escape. Under no circumstances could I let them know I had gained a snake companion. A second word found its way to my lips.

“Somnum.”

The snake quickly closed around my wrist and I could feel the shift of flesh to metal. A trooper came over and looked at me curiously. I looked back. After a few moments, he got bored and returned to his point in the convoy, muttering something about hearing things.

I turned my gaze to Ren, who was giving me a questioning stare. I tossed him a small smile.

Our wait was over.

Okay, we actually had to wait until they camped for the day and fell asleep, but NOW it was over. Good timing too. We were right at the edge of the jungle. Another few hours travel and we would have crossed over into Black Marsh, a place I know nothing about. And if the name is a suggestion, I don’t want to.

They’d left us off to the side with a pair of troopers guarding us. By luck, stupidity, or perhaps a taunt from the priestess, it was the two rats carrying Lux and Erebus. Ren had absolutely no idea what I was planning just that I had a plan. And to be honest, I wasn’t sure it was a good one.

It relied a lot on my understanding of what the snake does. Which is all speculation. I’m hoping it’s something of a familiar. Something I can call upon to carry out my orders.

So…here goes everything.

“Excitaret.” The snake lifted its head and looked at me. So far so good. I wasn’t even afraid of it for some reason! “Now go cut his bonds,” I whispered, motioning my head towards Ren. It cocked its head and looked at me strangely. “Well…go on.” Nothing. Just more staring. “Cut his bonds. I’m really counting on you here.” Still nothing. “As your master I command you to cut those ropes!” I whisper shouted as loud as I dared. Lucky for me the guards were overconfident and lazy.

I sighed in defeat. This wasn’t getting me anywhere. What gives? How could I call upon the snake when I can’t…wait a minute?

When I woke it up, I spoke in some other language. It was…Italian? French? Latin? Latin! I was speaking Latin! Which means…

If my hands weren’t bound, I would have torn my hair out from the absurdity. I’m still assuming it will follow my commands. IF THEY’RE IN A LANGUAGE HE CAN UNDERSTAND! And the only one I know of, I can’t speak. Jesus, it’s like building a stealth mech that can make itself invisible, but not the operator! A pointless oversight. Hilarious as hell when it happens to an annoying green alien, but completely stupid in real life!

Why? Why must the universe fuck me at every opportunity? I’m not a bad person, am I? Okay, so I could have gotten off my ass and done more as a human, but I don’t think that warrants…

My moment of self-pity was ground to a halt as I realized a major logical fallacy with this whole ordeal.

If I can’t speak Latin, how exactly did I know the words for awaken and sleep? And how do I know what those words mean? Furthermore, how the hell did the snake know Latin anyway? What correlation does an ancient dead language from Earth have to a land of magical fucking ponies?

I was staring into its eyes when I spoke the words.

I didn’t have anything else to go on, so I resumed my venture into the entrancing depts. The words came almost immediately this time. Must get easier with time.

“Reptant trans funem.” The snake, who from this moment shall be named Nag, immediately sprang up and silently crawled across the rope between me and Ren. I saw him twitch a little when Nag crawled into his lap and woke him up. He gave me a shocked look which I countered with a fierce grin. I liked this so far.

I couldn’t see Nag’s eyes, but the next phrase came easily.

“Interficiam vinculis.” I heard the soft sound of cutting rope. Eye contact wasn’t necessary. Good. Makes things much easier. Ren’s shocked look slowly changed into a grin to match my own. These rats wouldn’t know what hit them.

“Ad me.” Nag quickly crawled across the now limp rope and into my lap. I had a deadly viper slithering across my legs and I didn’t even shudder! This was awesome! “Incidere vincula.” He opened his mouth, revealing a pair of fangs. With a quick movement, he severed the rope holding my arms together. The tension between them went slack, but I held them stiff. We needed to be stealthy now.

“Somnum,” I told my new companion with a smile. Nag crawled back onto his place at my wrist and returned to gold.

Bout time I got something cool. Thanks for nothing Som!

I looked back towards Ren and motioned in a silent question.

“Shall we?”

“Let’s.”

Both of us pulled ourselves up into a crouch. The guard rats didn’t notice. They were busy playing a game of dice. Idiots. The priestess (none of them ever used names) definitely needed to hire better help. Without a sound, the two of us crept up behind them. Just like the tapir, our prey was totally oblivious.

I paused for a moment. A few weeks ago I’d almost killed myself because of the very same act I was contemplating here. Only this time it was against an unaware opponent. Was I really okay with stabbing a thinking creature in the back?
…
They were dangerous creatures with no respect for life. They’d repeatedly alluded to killing me horribly. And they’d shown a love of torture when they mutilated those Voltess.

I slowly brought out my hidden blade.

“What was-ACK!”

With one quick movement, I stabbed him in the neck. From beside me, I could hear the sounds of Ren choking the second guard with the ropes they used to bind us. They probably shouldn’t have used such high quality rope.

With them dealt with, we could probably just slit their throats while they sleep. Quick and clean. Then we turn north and continue towards Equestria. No problems or complications…

“THE PRISONERS ARE ESCAPING!”

…except we forgot that they stationed three sentries instead of two.

…

Goddammit.

Curiously, it took almost the same time to draw Erebus as it did for the other Skaven to wake up. So it was kind of an awkward situation when the two of us (now armed) found ourselves staring at eleven pissed off Skaven (also armed).

“So…any chance we can go our separate ways?” I asked the priestess.

“No. PRING ME THEIR PELTS!”

The three closest soldiers charged us. The…I don’t really know what to call it. Adrenalin? Instinct? Warrior’s spirit? Whatever the thing that makes everything seem slower is kicked in. Oddly enough, it seemed to work even better this time.

Two of them went for Ren while the third came straight at me. I stepped to the side and slashed at him. He brought up his sword to block. A chime went out as the two blades met. When we pulled apart, mine was unmarked while his had a little chip taken out of it.

I have got to find whoever made these damn things and shake his hand.

I swung at the rat again, aiming for a similar position. The guy was smart and used a different part of the blade. What followed really showed off all the stuff I learned from Ren. This guy knew how to use his sword. Luckily, so did I. We continued for a while (by which I mean twenty second, battles are fast) until his sword finally snapped. I quickly stabbed the stupefied rat through the chest. One down. I turned to check on Ren…

You know how no other Skaven were attacking me while I dueled that guy? That’s because the rest of the troopers were busy trying to kill Ren. Well, the remaining troops anyway. He’d already killed three of them.

Wait, then where was the-

DUCK STUPID!

I followed orders and was rewarded with the sound of shattering glass. I looked at the tree behind me to see all of the leaves simultaneously turn black and drop off. Followed by the trunk. I cast a shaky look to the source of the attack.

The Rotter spat in another vial and grinned at me.

Of course I’d have to fight this guy.

Before the tube was even in the air, I was rolling to the side. I came to a stop just in front of an explosion of noxious gas. I crab walked backwards to avoid the putrid substance when I felt the force of another vial right behind me. With a yelp of fear, I forced myself up and off to the side, just as more potions started going off all around me.

Blessed be he who gave the Rotter a Stormtrooper’s aim.

For a while we did the dance since this guy seemed to pull more and more poison grenades out of hammer space. Fucking cartoon logic. And every single second I thanked the speed increase I’d mysteriously gotten. Looking back, it was probably the snake. I had gained the buff ‘Viper’s Quickness.’ But no matter how fast I was, I couldn’t touch him. The second I got close, he’d just throw a vial in my face and laugh as whatever gruesome effect they had took hold.

I had no idea what those things could do to a person, but I saw what they did to a tree. And the grass where it hit. Not pretty. I don’t know what the hell Ren was doing during all this. I hoped he was being some kind of kung-fu badass and had taken out all the rest. Screw kill counts, I just wanted this shit over and done with.

But I got no help from Ren and there was no sign of the Specter or the priestess. Me and the Rotter just continued our dance around and around the fire. And as I got more and more tired, he got more and more frustrated. His throws became wild and more frequent.

Three more explosions went off in front of me. I turned around to see another three going off behind me. To the right, four more. With only one option, I rolled to the left and ended up right in front of the fire. With a mad cackle, the Rotter sent a vial up over my head and into the flames.

Of course now he’d have perfect aim.

The campfire began emitting a thick smoke. A strange screeching sound filled the air and the fire turned green.

Then it exploded.

I screamed out in pain as the laws of physics forced me backwards through the air in a torrent of rocks, dirt, and charred wood. Erebus went flying off somewhere. I hit the ground shoulder first and went rolling, only to come to a stop at the base of a foot.

A Skaven’s foot.

A very disgusting Skaven’s foot.

With unanswered prayers on my lips, I looked up into the grinning, putrid face of the Rotter. He had an open vial of green sludge hovering a few feet above my face.

“Playtime over kitty. Now you drink,” he said while he stomped on my left hand. You know what’s coming.

“Sorry, I don't have ID. Excitaret et eum!” At my call, Nag awoke and bit him right on his rotten ankle. The Skaven screeched and fell backwards. The vial of something I’d rather not know went flying off into a poor tree which proceeded to die in what I’m sure was horrible agony. In a second, our positions were reversed and I stabbed him through the eye.

Bastard didn’t even have time to scream.

Unfortunately for me, poking a hole in his head released one of the foulest smells it has ever been my displeasure to experience. The closest I can come to describing it is if an Indian sewer and a New York dumpster had a kid that died neck deep in its own shit. I get sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

So after vomiting for a few minutes and crawling away from the pile of pure rank I had just killed, I reached into my satchel and pulled out a vial of Jungle Remedy. At least that’s what I call it. The real name is hard to pronounce, but it works pretty much the same way as the drop in WoW. Buffs your immune system to help take care of whatever’s ailing ya. Quick note though. When I learned how to make it, they specifically told me it did not take care of STD’s. Which is probably a good thing to know.

“Well… that sucked.” I looked down at Nag, who was busy trying to spit out every single iota of Skaven. “Paenitet amicus.” He shot me a glare that would have killed a cockatrice.

So he’s at least partially sentient. Also good to know.

“Somnum.” Just like that, the little guy zipped up my leg and onto my wrist, where he reverted into his metal form.
“Alright. Ren? You’re still alive, right?” I turned back to where the battle was to see…

A bunch of dead Skaven. And no Ren.

No anyone actually.

“Hello?” No answer. Not even any birds. Plague boys bombs must have driven them off. “Ren?” I called out as I walked slowly towards the battlefield. I didn’t see him among the bodies. That was a good sign.

They were all soldiers. No Specter. No priestess. That was a bad sign.

“Oh fuck!” I dropped back into a fighting stance and held my blade arm in front of me defensively. On cue, creepy spite-filled laughter started echoing throughout the clearing.

“What’s the matter kitty?” said the voice of the Specter. “Afraid? You should be.”

“That is one of the most cliché things I’ve ever heard.”

“So what? You can’t go wrong with the classics.” True enough. “You and the old man killed most of the others. I should thank you. I hated those idiots.”

“How about you thank us by letting us go?”

“Not going to happen. The soldiers get all the fun. It’s my turn now!”

Only my stupidly amazing cat hearing saved me.

A pair of arrows came flying out of the trees straight for my chest. I hastily turned sideways letting them pass to either side of me.

“Hmm…Faster than I thought.” The Specter dropped out a tree and drew his blade in the same motion. It would’ve been badass if he wasn’t about to attack me with it. “Any last requests?”

“Besides the obvious? Promise me you’ll bury me far away from the Rotter.”

"I’ll just going to burn you both on the same pyre.” And with that, he charged.

And he was as fast as I was.

Fuck.

Having no other weapons save my blade arm (I forgot to go find Erebus like the idiot I am), I moved that up to deflect. The charge attack sent vibrations up the remainder of my arm and all the way down my spine. When he pulled back, both of our blades were unmarked.

“Tough sword.”

“It’s made of gray steel. This baby will cut through diamonds!” he said proudly. Then he tried to prove it on my head.
I was at an incredible disadvantage. This guy was fast, better trained, and his weapon outreached mine by at least two feet. I managed to stay a split second ahead of his attacks, but had no room to counter. He was using all manner of fancy swordsmanship while I was blocking for my life.

He came into the right so fast I could hear the air moving across the blade. I almost missed it, but before I could blink it was to the left and I was forced to jump backwards. Then he swung high. I managed to duck, but he trimmed some of the hair from the tips of my ears. I made another close dodge when he brought it right again, getting out with a small cut on my shoulder.

Stuff like that.

It was one of the most terrifying two and a half minutes of my life. I almost had my other hand chopped off. Three separate times! Every second was spent trying to keep my body intact. My life didn’t even have any time to flash before my eyes! Good thing to. I really don’t want to relieve these past few days.

He went into another charge which I caught by a hair. There was a small break as we stood locked together. Mainly because he was pressing my own dagger into my chest.

“Not bad. The old cat train you?”

“Taught me literally everything I know.”

“Huh. How long you been at it?”

“About two weeks.”

“Damn. You’re a natural! Too bad you’re not a Skaven. I might have considered apprenticing you. Ah well, such is life.” Then he kicked me in the crotch.

Cheating bastard.

“SON OF A BITCH!” I fell over backwards clutching my huevos. I made a mental note to buy a cup at the earliest opportunity. The Specter placed a foot on my chest and pointed a sword at my eye.

“Last words?”

“Eat shit and die!”

“Don’t really know what that means, but alright. May the Thirteen Horned Ones judge you mercifully.”

“You might want to save that plea for yourself,” said a voice that I was unimaginably glad to hear.

Our gazes shifted to Ren who was holding both Lux and Erebus.

“I’m the only one allowed to kick his ass.”

“Oh, you’re fucked now,” I said to the Skaven, grinning like a madman. He voiced his opinion with a kick to the head.
I really hate this guy.

“Do you have to ruin my fun?” he said, drawing a dagger to match the sword. Which meant he was toying with me the whole time. Not a good moment for my self-image. “I was really enjoying myself.”

“Well why don’t you stop playing with children and join the adults.”

“Hurtful.”

“Be quiet, I’m talking.”

“Jackass,” I muttered.

“Alright. Fine!” the Skaven yelled. “Kitty wants to play? LET’S PLAY!” Then he charged Ren.

I slowly pulled myself off the ground (paying special attention to my bruised ‘areas’) and bore witness to what was undoubtedly one of the coolest things I’d ever seen.

Take every epic sword fight you’ve ever seen in any movie whatsoever and throw it out the fucking window. It is nothing compared to actually watching two masters at work. I couldn’t even tell what was going on! I just knew it was fucking awesome!

Ren was doing all kinds of acrobatic maneuvers, never staying in the same spot for more than a second.

The Skaven attacked aggressively, trying to pin the old cat down long enough to hit him.

Their blades were clashing so quickly, the ringing sound it produced was nearly sustained. Sparks were flying everywhere and their feet flew as they began a slow circle around the ruins of the campfire.

“Beautiful is it not?”

“Yeah. Really makes you wonder how they learned this stuff.”

“I don’t know about the cat, but all Specters are sent through a rigorous training course. Only the strong survive.”

“Huh. Pretty Darwinian, but it must be effective.”

“It is. What’s a Darwin?”

“He’s a famous naturalist from my home. He developed the theory of-”

Wait a minute.

I timidly turned my head to the side to look at the priestess. She winked at me and brought her staff back.

“Awww fuckberries!”

I was hit with a combination of physical force and dark magic, sent flying back into a tree, and slumped to the ground nearly unconscious.

“I would go through losing my hand again if this day would just END!”

“I am rather disappointed in you pet,” she started. She had this disapproving look on her face. Like a parent scolding a child. What is with people calling me a kit today? “And I had such wonderful plans for you to!”

“Dare I ask what those plans were?”

“Well…For starters, I was thinking we could (comment omitted to preserve teen rating),” she said with a leer.
Needless to say, I was shocked and disgusted beyond all reason.

“I…I’m not even sure if that’s physically possible!”

“Oh it is. Believe me. But sadly, I have to kill you. I guess I’ll just bring your head back to Sheol for the clerics to study.
Goodbye pet. And when you end up in Tartarus, be sure to tell them who sent you.”

“And that is? You kind of never mentioned.” She rolled her eyes.

“Lady Seras, Third-level Priestess of the Horned Ones. NOW DIE!”

She fired a bolt of dark, screaming energy at me before I could blink.

“FUCK!”

Maybe it was instinct. Maybe it was fear. Maybe some unknown god was guiding my hand. But for whatever reason, I placed my dagger right in front of the bolt and waited for the inevitable.

The second the bolt touched the blade, it redirected into a nearby tree and exploded.

For a moment, both of us stared in awe at the unexpected development.

“What the…” She fired off another three blasts. I repeated my action causing an effect similar to firing a grenade launcher at a bouncy wall. Random explosions happening everywhere.

My swords deflect magic.

…

“Oh fuck the hell yes.”

“Uh-oh.”

I stood up and started unsteadily walking towards Seras with an arrogant smirk on my face. She panicked and started firing off blasts at random. I swatted them away like flies causing detonations all around me. And I didn’t look at a single one.

Hello self-image. So nice to see you again.

“Oh this is just great,” she muttered.

“Scared?”

“No, I was just really hoping I wouldn’t have to do this.”

Out of nowhere, she pulled a knife and cut into her own palm.

OH FUCK! SHE’S A BLOOD-MAGE!

I turned that shaky walk into a run, trying to get close before she summoned some kind of demon and kicked my ass.
But even with my new snake speed, I was too late. Three large globs of blood hit the ground at the exact moment she finished some weird…Cthulhuy chant. For the second time that day, I was blown off my feet and sent backwards into a tree.

“Pet, meet shades. Shades, pet.” From the drops of blood rose three shadow things that were apparently shades. They looked like roughly drawn humans without any distinguishing features. The two on the sides raised swords in the air while the center shade stomped its spear on the ground making a sound much louder than it should have.

“You’re just full of surprises aren’t you?”

“More than you could possibly imagine,” Seras said with a wink. “Now then. RIP HIM TO-”

“Hey bitch!” He has the best timing in the world. No contest.

“Wha-” She was stopped mid-sentence by the SPECTER’S HEAD hitting her at high speed.

“Like I said before. I am the ONLY ONE allowed to kick his ass!”

“By the Thirteen Horned Ones,” she whispered while staring at the head of her former subordinate. Her now terrified gaze turned to the shades. “Don’t just stand there! KILL HIM!”

The three shades charged at Ren full forced. He ran up the side of a tree, leaving them in a jumbled mess. He glared at the priestess. She yelped in fear and turned to run. He looked back at me.

“I can handle these things. GET THAT BITCH!” I nodded and ran after her as the sounds of battle began behind me. I owed Ren like…two thousand beers after this.

But first, EVISCERATING THAT CUNT!

She could run fast, but I had the viper on my side. Plus I was on my technical home turf. From what I heard, Skaven are native to caves. Not a lot of undergrowth down there. It wasn’t long before I had her in sight.

She must have had some sort of radar system, because the second I laid eyes on her, she turned and fired off magic wildly. I dodged easily now that I was up and moving, but she managed to gain some ground. I snarled and ran harder.

She kept trying, but I just kept gaining. At first I was thirty feet behind her. Then at one moment I was twenty-five. Then twenty. Then fifteen. AT ten she made an all-out last ditch effort to kill me.

She turned and threw herself backwards with a scream of pure rage. Seras channeled so much magic through that gem that it exploded and launched a black fireball right at me. With a scream of my own, I jumped with all my strength and cleared the thing by an inch.

The bomb went off behind me and propelled me forward. Whether it was luck, skill or rule of cool, I’d never know. But that fireball kicked me just the right distance.

Her eyes wandered in shock as I descended upon her Assassin’s Creed style and plunged my blade into her neck.
And so died Lady Seras. Third-level Priestess of the Horned Ones.

I wrenched my blade from her neck and stood up, silently waiting for what’s next.

Nothing came.

No cannibals, rat-people, giant snakes, or demons. Just silence.

“We won?” I asked the universe.

“Yes, we did,” it replied. I whirled to see Ren walk out of the brush with a slight limp.
“Oh…good.” I feel like I should put something here about my elation, or the joys of victory, or how glad I was to be alive, but in truth: I was fucking tired. I’d been bruised, cut, verbally assaulted, thrown into a tree (twice), and blown up (also twice). I just wanted to lie down right there and go to sleep.
Instead, I pulled a healing potion and the second Jungle Remedy out of my bag and gave them to Ren.
“So, how was your first real battle?” he asked before drinking.
“It sucked donkey ass.” He nodded understandingly.

“They all do. The lethal one’s at least. Pray you don’t get used to it.”

"I'll try not to," I said with a laugh that was more tired than joyful. "Thanks for saving my ass. Again."

"Don't mention it." His tone went grim. "No seriously, don't mention it. I want to forget this whole experience."

“Same here. Now what do we do?”

“What do you think?” He motioned towards Seras. “We clean up the trash.”

Back at the clearing, just as the sun was setting, a fire could be seen. It was a large and bright fire for it had a noble purpose. Disposing of the corpses of twelve nameless Skaven and Lady Seras, who’s head was impaled on one of her soldiers’ spears at the top of the heap.

“Can we sleep now?” I asked as we walked away.

“You want to sleep near the smell?”

“Good point.”

“We’ll walk north for an hour then rest.”

“I just hope we didn’t catch anything.”

“Still worrying about your zombie virus?”

“It’s a real thing!”

“You can’t become a Dead One through sickness! They have to choose you.”

“Another one of your legends I take it?”

“No, they’re real. There’s a whole temple full of them near the Lacuni.”

“Oh…Those legends turn out to be true a lot, huh?”

“Seems that way.”

“Any more I should know about?”

“Well…There is one about a very tall man in black clothing with no face…”