“So they gave you a whole night to yourself huh?”

Three weeks of training went by. Not quickly mind you, at times I could have sworn I was trapped in a never-ending plane of thwacking sticks and barking dogs. But I had to give bright some credit, things did get easier with time. Mostly because all three of the people helping me had a do or die attitude with a literal emphasis on die given how they were pushing me. I had to get better or they’d have buried me by now.

But, just when I was on the verge of face clawing rage, they unanimously decided that I deserved a night off.

So here I was, standing on the roof of the Hall, night air on my face, Atheris crawling around on the small table that was set up here, bored out of my mind.

“Yeah…honestly, I should just be glad no one’s hitting me at the moment.” The soreness on my body had faded after the first five days. The soreness on my head would take months of care to diminish.

“I think you should be glad Reprise actually let you out of that torture she calls ‘piano lessons’.”

“Oh don’t remind me…”

“How does a grown man screw up a simple scale?”

“Pretty easily it seems…”

THWACK!

“OW!”

“Don’t get smart with me! Try it again.”

“Why do you need the ruler? I though learning an instrument was supposed to be fun!”

“If you wanted this to be fun you should have signed up when you were a kitten!”

“If we did this when I was a kitten, I’d be bored out of my skull and you’d be arrested for child abuse!”

THWACK!

“Less lip more scales!”

“She does not like me as much as she likes kids,” I said while rubbing the rapidly cracking spot between my ears. “Why does it always have to be the nice ones who are psychopaths?”

“Cause they know they need to hide the fact that they’re psychopaths,” the snake commented, coiling up in the center of the table. “I’d bet nine times out of ten that Fluttershy has a shed filled with gimp suits in every size and a real leather corset custom tailored for her. And let’s not even get started on what the shelves in that place would hold.”

“…God, what kind of second rate fetish fiction have you been reading?” There was no way any of that is true. At least there was no way I was going to find out if it’s true. I planned to stay away from the main cast completely. There was no way I was going to risk inspiring a very special episode about ‘Jack the One-Armed Fruit Cat’ and get the entire thing canceled. Or worse, somehow aiding in the creation of a PG version of me for a show aimed at little girls. That is not something I want to have existing.

“Well I can only read the stories that you’ve read at some point, so…”

“Don’t even go there.”

“You’re no fun.”

“I would let you have more fun if it didn’t always come at my-AH WHAT THE FUCK!”

Something loud, feathery, and possessing eight needle sharp talons landed on my head without warning and began using it like I would use a scratching post.

“Whoa…is that a bird?”

“GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF!” I flailed about like a five year old hopped up on sugar as the tiny bastard tried to dig his feet in under my skin. This continued for over half a minute while my not-so-loyal familiar just sat there and watched. Eventually I got a lucky shot in and swatted the fowl, though it took a good chunk of my fur as a last bit of revenge.

“Wow. How are you going to win a contest against professional fighters when you can be reduced to a screaming toddler by a bird?”

“Oh shut up!” The little demon flew above me, twittering its song of hate and evil. I glared at it, studying it’s…pitch black feathers…that seemed so familiar…

…It couldn’t be possible.

“So you followed me did you?” It hovered just above me. If I were a smarter man I would have been more worried about this fact. “You bring a roc to do your dirty work this time or are you ready to fight me like a man?”

I’m sure Atheris had a snarky little comment for me about how I was having a dramatic confrontation with a bird, but he was cut off by my order to report to his post. The avian seemed unimpressed.

It seemed slightly more impresses after I shot a snake at it.

Atheris launched out in his grapple function and bit down. The bird managed a slim dodge and flew overhead. I whipped the snake around like a whip, intending to crush the beast. It was much faster than I anticipated and slipped away, causing the serpent to smack against the edge of the roof.

Remember how we share pain?

“OH GOOD LORD!” I fell over, twitching as my back set off a fireworks show of agony up and down my spine. Atheris recoiled and from the screaming in my head he wasn’t faring much better. It took the both of us five minutes to calm down enough to speak.

And that’s when the emotional pain started.

“Bested by a songbird. Twice. You are going to kill in this tournament!”

“Oh give it a rest.” After my spine started responding to my orders again, I was able to regain my feet, though I had to lean on the table to avoid toppling. “Why would a dumb bird follow me?”

“Maybe it’s not the same bird. Maybe small black birds just hate you.”

“It was the same bird alright.” I glared in the direction if flew off. “Don’t ask me how but I know.”

“If you’re starting a feud with a bird please leave me out of it next time. Or at least get some more practice aiming me before hand.”

“How exactly am I supposed to practice shooting a snake out of my wrist?”

“Well, we are on a roof…”

My eyes felt themselves drawn to the edge. Straight over a waist high to a six story drop.

No.

“Oh come on!”

No! No way in hell!

“But how else are you supposed to learn how to-”

I am not jumping off the roof of a six story building!

“You know you want to.”

No I don’t. I left that idea back at the cliff.

“…Not what I meant. Look, I’m practically a hook shot with fangs. Do you know how many stupid Spiderman fans would kill for something like me?”

Thousands. But you said it yourself, they’re stupid.

“Don’t start using semantics against me! Just think for a second! You soaring through the air over the city, moving as fast as a pegasus, going from one district to another without having to touch the ground…”

Becoming a furry red stain on some building…

“That’s why we need to practice!”

Can’t we practice from a less dangerous start?

“Well if you’d prefer me to take you to the roof again…”

Actually I would prefer that.

“Wha…fine. Go downstairs you big baby.”

And I did.

So how do I do this again?

“Just point me at the roof and will me to fire.”

What, are we doing magic now?

“Pretty much.”

I had to give him that. He was a talking snake made out of gold, onyx, and ivory. Unless science on this planet was four million years ahead of Earth (and I doubt that since they were still using black and white film for movies) he was definitely some kind of magic.

So that’s the story about how I wound up standing in an alley holding my arm up towards the roof like an idiot for the second time. At least my instructions were simple. All I had to do was point him and…

The snake shot out, making a hissing sound I’m ninety-eight percent certain he added for effect, and latched onto the roof.

Alright. Now take it slow this time so-FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

Just like the last time I was hauled off my feet and my arm was almost ripped from its socket.

Just like the last time I soared through the air straight at the roof.

Just like the last time Atheris detached and sent me flying.

Unlike the last time I went over the dome.

Straight into a sixty foot drop.

WHAT THE HELL?

“DO OR DIE CATMAN!”

At the sixth floor I was in stunned silence.

At the fifth I realized I had to move.

At the fourth I aimed at the building across the street.

At the third I fired.

At the second he attached.

At the first I was pulled forward.

And at the halfway point between the first floor and the ground, I scared the fuck out of some poor stallion by flying just a hair above his head.

I hold the fact the he wasn’t a unicorn as conclusive proof that at least one god in the multiverse likes me.

The tug pulled me along towards the Hitching Post, a building I hadn’t had the pleasure of visiting yet. It was just tall enough that the angle let me clear the roof and I once more found myself flying, this time past a pair of pegasi, one mare, one stallion, wearing clothes that wouldn’t be out of place in a New York strip club. I think I waved to them.

I instinctively fired again and found myself pulled into an alley, swinging a comfortable two stories above the filthy street.

I detached and wound up above a large street. I fired at an apartment building and started swinging along it.

I fired again when I reached an intersection. Grappling onto a corner let me make a wide right turn, tail almost touching the shop at the end.

I fired again and started laughing.

“NOW WE’RE GETTING IT!”

Oh I was getting it alright. I don’t know if it was instinct, some side effect of the snake, or simply rule of cool, but it felt like I was born to do this. It came as naturally as learning to move my tail did and I can use it to pick up glasses. Though Ren told me not to do that for some reason…

Anyway, within a few minutes I started falling into a steady rhythm. Long, easy swings over wide streets. I was picking this up fast, but I didn’t want to risk death just to get an adrenalin rush. Occasionally I’d go to high and risk overshooting a turn, but I figured out pretty quickly that I could make Atheris retract to bring me back into a safe range.

Had absolutely no idea where I was going or if I could find my way back. Didn’t seem to matter at the time. I was too busy humming the theme song to Spiderman and putting together a suitably ridiculous costume in my head. That and enjoying the surprised gasps of flyers as a two hundred pound cat zipped by them by means of an extending snake that could bite through brickwork.

It was more fun that I could ever remember having.

And then my stupidity had to kick in and ruin it.

…Huh.

“What is it?”

Do you know where we are?

“Uhh…looks like the poor quarter…boarded up windows, shady characters, the place we just passed appears to be playing bad rock music…wait, is that a dive bar? Cool! You should head down there.”

What? Why the hell would I go there! I live in a better bar!

“Oh come on, where’s your sense of adventure?”

At home since it doesn’t want to get shanked in a place that’s probably never seen a health inspector since it was opened!

“And now you’re stereotyping. You’re going to judge this place just because of its surroundings? For all you know it could be an old fashioned inn run by a friendly old couple just barely making rent who could really use your business.”

Weren’t you the one who called it a dive bar?

“That is unimportant. What is important is that this is the first time since you landed on this world that you haven’t had an old man or a chief’s daughter or some wait staff looking over your shoulder. You are completely on your own for once. Take this opportunity and live a little!”

…Your living a little might get me killed.

“You’re swinging around buildings tens of feet above concrete at who knows how many miles per hour. Common sense says you are far more likely to die now than drinking in a crappy bar.”

…Damn, that’s a good point.

“I know.”

Why do you even want to go?

“I’ve been living in a cave for thousands of years. I want to see as much of the outside world as possible. That includes dirty bars in dirty cities.”

…One drink.

“That’s all I ask.”

It was with a heavy sigh and a small amount of cockiness that I reached the apex of my next swing, turned in midair, and started heading in the other direction. And yes, I was loving the cat spine.

I swung all the way back to where the rock music was coming from and into the alley. Using Atheris like a rope, I latched onto one roof, kept myself going parallel to the wall until I stopped swinging, and gently lowered myself to the ground. A quick retraction later, I was walking out of the alley with only the stare of a disbelieving bum who immediately questioned the bottle he had been frenching following me.

A deep breath and I walked into the Drunken Dog. Most likely named for the short, mean looking, and incredibly fat mutt behind the counter and the six or so canines who immediately looked up at me with disdain from the various tables.

“So a cat walks into a bar and it’s full of dogs…”

Not the time.

I tried not to show any fear as I made my way over to a stool by the counter. I really shouldn’t have been afraid, there were just as many equines and griffons here as the dogs. And all of them probably had an eye on the coin purse attached to my belt.

The guy behind the counter didn’t say anything. Just glanced at me before returning to whatever it was he was doing. I didn’t think a smile would help, it was liable to piss him off, so I just stared at the bottles on the shelf, trying to pick out the good stuff from the bad.

This continued for about seven minutes. Then I heard a voice from beside me.

“Hey.” There was a shuffle and suddenly an olive colored pegasus with a cerulean mane plopped into the seat next to mine. By this point I’d been in the city long enough to learn what was attractive among the various races. And she was…okay. She wasn’t bad looking for sure, but nothing you’d stop and stare at. Still, she had a nice smile. “Buy a mare a drink?”

Well…straight to the point at least.

“I’m not even sure if I want to buy myself a drink.” This elicited a laugh from her and a small growl from the barkeep. Not sure if that’s a win.

“Come on. The whiskey’s half decent and after a few shots you won’t care either way.” She smiled at me. I had to wonder if she made a living trying to charm drinks out of young idiots that slum it down here for a night. Or used to. Something told me she had given up on the charm part and just asked for them straight up now. Maybe it was the fact that she was at least twenty years older than me and smelled like she was a few bottles in already.

I wanted to tell her to screw off, but of course…

“Oh come on. It’s just one drink.”

Knowing that there was no way out of this without paying for some drinks or hearing the voice in my head cluck like a chicken for hours on end, I held up two fingers. The barkeep held up two of his own. Wasn’t hard to figure out what that meant, so I took to bits out and placed them on the counter. Almost faster than I could follow the dog snatched up the coins and replaced them with a pair of shots.

My new friend, who had yet to introduce herself, eagerly drank hers down as soon as it appeared. I lifted mine like it was a live explosive and gave it a sniff. Whatever brown liquid was in that glass smelled a bit like paint thinner. Still, I already paid for the thing…

I took a deep breath and held the glass to my lips.

Just one drink…

“So I said to the guy, ‘You and what army?’ And then he brought out an army.”

“Really!?” Olive’s jaw dropped in amazement. “A whole army!?”

“Yeah!” I nodded so hard I almost dislocated my neck. Then I stopped and thought. It seemed harder than usual. Weird. “Well…maybe not a whole army…there was only like sixty of them.”

“And you fought them off!” She held on to every word I said like it was her own newborn child. I don’t blame her. My life was damn exciting! Or maybe it was the alcohol. Let’s see…I had five and she had…however many it takes to make a four level pyramid.

“Well…I took care of…was it seven or ten…somewhere between those numbers.” Details weren’t important anyway. “Ren got most of them. He’s some kind of super ninja!”

“That…that deserves a toast!” She banged on the counter and the Rufus brought over two more shots. I put another two bits on the table. Olive picked up hers with a wing and held it high. “To Ren the super ninja!”

“Ren the super ninja!” I copied her, just with an arm instead of a wing. We clinked and the whiskey went down. She was right. I stopped caring about the taste.

“So then what happened?” I winced against my will. Was hoping to avoid telling this part.

“They pulled out a big, zappy net and knocked us out.”

“Those bastards!” For a second, I swore she was going to go out and make them all pay.

“Yeah…and that’s how we woke up in jail.”

“Whoa…how’d you get out?”

“Well…” The door opened and, in one of the greatest place coincidences of my life, a certain grey coated unicorn entered the building. She must have been really surprised to see me cause the second she did her eyes went all wide and her mouth opened a little. “Look! It’s Fault! She can tell this part a lot better. Hey Fault!”

“Hey…” She walked up to the two of us, staring at me, but glancing at Olive repeatedly. She didn’t look to happy for some reason… “What are you doing here?”

“Drinking,” I answered with a shrug. Seemed kind of obvious what with all the little glasses. “What about you?”

“I had hoped to do the same, but that’s not going to happen now.” She practically growled that last line. She looked mad. Why would she be mad? “Olive. So nice to see you out of martinis for once. Even if you jumped right into a whiskey glass.”

“What can I say? A change of scenery is nice every once in a while.” She laughed. Don’t know why. “Sit down. My new friend will buy you a drink.”

“You’re not his friend.” She was growling again. I didn’t like it.

“She’s not?” I looked between Fault and Olive. “I think she is.”

“Trust me, she’s not. Besides, it’s time you went home.” Her hoof grabbed my good arm and pulled me off the chair. I stumbled a bit. Probably cause some asshole was making the room spin.

“Hey!” Olive grabbed onto my other arm with a wing. “You can’t leave yet! We haven’t gotten to the fun part!”

“This isn’t the fun part?” It seemed like it would be. After all, I was having fun.

“No kitty cat, the fun part comes after,” she purred. Huh. I thought I was the one that did that.

“Yeah…” A blue glow appeared on one of the little glasses and it flew into Olive’s wing. She shrieked and let me go. Fault yanked me closer to her. “Trust me Jack, you don’t want to see her fun part.”

“Why not?”

“Because of the stuff growing on it, now let’s go.” Before Olive could say anything else, she dragged me away. I turned back and waved at her and Rufus. He never said anything, but he seemed nice.

“That. Was. Fantastic.”

Fault pulled me out of the bar and into the alley next to it. Then she pushed me into a wall. It really hurt.

“What the hell are you doing you brain dead housecat?” she screamed in my face.

“What’d I do?”

“Proved yourself a moron!” It looked like she was grinding her teeth. That didn’t look healthy. Colgate would yell at her if she were here. I wish she was. I couldn’t find toothpaste in this town. “You can’t just walk into a gutter bar like it’s a café in Canterlot! You’re lucky you just got milked for drinks instead of stabbed or getting VD!” She pinched the bridge of her nose. How’d she do that without fingers? “You WOULD have caught VD if I hadn’t shown up…”

“Oh…okay.” I nodded. That must not have been the right thing to do cause she just stared at me.

“You know what? I’m gonna wait till you’re hung over to yell. Make sure it sinks in. Let’s just go.” She turned towards the street, but stopped really quickly. “Oh yeah, here’s your coin purse back.” She pulled it out from her pack. Why would she have it? “Your new ‘friend’ tried to swipe it when I showed up.” Oh.

“Thanks!” I said happily, reaching for it.

“Actually, I think I’ll take that off your hands.”

Both of us turned to look at the speaker. It was a griffon. One in leather armor. And he had a knife. Looked a bit like a hawk. Weird. Most griffons I’d seen looked like eagles.

And he had a knife. A big one. It was shiny.

“Oh well this is fantastic!” Fault’s eye twitched a little. She pulled the bag away from me. “Just what I needed. A drunk cat and a mugging bird. Maybe we should go back inside and find a horny dog. Would go perfectly with the pissed off horse!”

“Ah, I picked a bad night. Apologies.” His head dipped slightly. I liked him. He was polite. “Still, I came here for a reason, so if we could wrap this up…”

“Yeah, yeah, I know how this works.” She took out her own purse. “Lived in this city my whole life, getting mugged comes with the territory.”

“We’re getting mugged?”

Both of them stared at me for a bit. Wonder what I did.

“Is he…”

“Drunk, new in town, and incredibly stupid, yes.” She tossed them both to the griffon.

“Hey! Those are ours!”

“And now they’re his.” She glared at me. “Deal with it.”

“No!”

“Oh for the love of…don’t make things worse!” Fault pinched her nose again. Does she know how she does that? “Look, he isn’t like those punks who tried to pull this shit your first day. Look at his armor. This guy obviously knows what he’s doing and…what the hell are you doing robbing people in an alley anyway? You look like a merc.”

“What, you’re the only one who can slum it for a night?” He rolled his eyes. “If you must know, I was at a party most of the night and I just don’t feel productive unless I’ve made SOME money at the end of the day. And I certainly wasn’t going to rob anyone there. How rude would that be?”

“Fair enough.” Fault sighed. She looked really tired. “Let’s just go home. I’m going to need something stronger than the bathwater they serve here anyway.”

“No way!” I looked at the griffon and brought up my fists…fist…fists? Does the wooden fist count as a fist or is it something else? How many fists did I have! “No one takes my money and gets away with it!”

“Except for somewhat pretty mares with practice smiles…”

“Exactly!”

“We’re both going to end up with headaches tomorrow…”

“Can I just say that I’m having so much fun right now?”

Glad to hear it!

“…Really? Wow…you’re a lightweight aren’t you?”

“Well I had hoped to get this over with quickly, but if you insist.” He put the knife away and cracked his knuckles. I wish I could still do that. “I’m just going to break his nose. That alright with you babe?”

“He deserves it and if you call me babe again you’ll have to fight both of us.”

“Fine with me.” He crouched down. “I’m really sorry about this, but you kind of asked for it.” He sprang forward with a curled claw aiming for my head.

For some reason I remembered Mica throwing the exact same punch a while ago. It really hurt.

I closed my eyes and moved to the left.

When I opened them, the bird was looking at me. He seemed surprised.

“Wha…”

“Whoa! Dizzy…” Some asshole was turning things around again. What was with these people?

“Huh…look at that…” Fault mumbled.

“Alright…if that’s how it is.” He lunged again, though he went with an uppercut. I thought he was trying to hurt my nose, not my jaw. He should really try to be more consistent. I took a step back and it missed.

“Okay, what the hell?” He glared at me. I think he was grinding his teeth. Forgot griffons had those. “You’re drunk…how much I don’t know, but you shouldn’t be able to dodge that easily so what are you doing?”

“I dunno.” I shrugged. Really didn’t know. I was just moving. “I’m Scottish, German, Polish, and French. Maybe drinking is in my blood or something…”

“…What does…oh forget it.” He started swinging again. A lot of times. I just kept moving backwards. Had to move my chest a few times, but it wasn’t too difficult. Was still dizzy though…

“Hey, Robin was right. It is easier when I can see!”

“Yeah…I guess it is.” Fault sounded a bit happier. That was good. “You’re going to want to hit him back if you can.”

“Okay.” During the griffon’s next punch I moved forward. Seemed like a bad idea, but I couldn’t hit him if I moved back. Plus, while I was twisting out of the way, I could bring my fist back, the wood one if it was a fist, and ram it into his face!

This is fun!

“We need to go drinking more often.”

“AHHHHH! HOW DID…” The bird stumbled back and stared at me. He looked a bit cross eyed. “Is you fist made of wood?”

“So it is a fist!” I pumped my confirmed fist. “Yes!”

“…Who the hell are you?”

“Me?” I smiled at him. “I’m Mango Jack.”

His beak opened for some reason.

“Mango…okay, I’ve had enough!” He grabbed his knife again. It was still nice and shiny. “Stop talking and bleed!”

He charged forward. I tried to sidestep again, but the knife made a cut in my side. It really hurt.

“You’re going to want to hit him again.”

Oh…right…

He didn’t seem to like the wood fist so I brought that around and smashed it into the side of his skull while he was pulling back. I kept pushing until he hit the brick wall next to us. Cause if he didn’t like wood, he’d like brick less right?

The griffon’s eyes bugged out and went cross. I stepped back and he slid to the floor.

“K.O.”

“…Did I win?”

“What do you think K.O. means?”

“Yeah…I think you did.” Fault walked up to the griffon. She had a big grin on her face. It was good to see she wasn’t mad anymore. She’s too loud when she’s mad. She reached into his bag and pulled out our money…wait…did we have two or three purses? “That was…I’ll admit, that was pretty cool.”

“Okay.”

“Heh…” She tossed me one of the purses. I think it was mine. I was the lightest. “Come on. Let’s go home.”

“Can I throw up first?”

“Sure. You’ve earned it.”

Author's Notes:

Any and all drunken slurs have been translated.

For your benefit. Not because I've never been drunk before and have no idea how to write drunk talk...

...Skeir chapter next.