I awoke to once again find myself lying on a table in that strange black place.

“Oh no.”

“Hey Jack, how’s it going?” said Somnambula. I pulled myself up with a groan to find her reclining on a chair in front of me. She looked exactly the same as the last time I saw her. Save for one key difference.

“Wasn’t that a mace?” I asked, pointing to the jeweled dagger she was idly flipping.

“Please, I’m a goddess. I’m not bound by your petty laws of physics.” As it reached the peak of its latest toss, the dagger morphed into a hand axe with a glowing black gem as a pummel.

“You’re a goddess?” I arched an eyebrow at the self-claimed deity. “I thought you were a witch.”

“I can’t be two things?”

…

“Touché.” I got off the table, which I now saw was the stone alter from the Lacuni village. I suppressed a shudder at the thought of me lying on it. Anything to make me uncomfortable I guess. “So what are you the goddess of?”

“Repressed desires. All the things you’ve always wanted, but would never admit to yourself or others.” She got a speculative look on her face, like she was considering something important. “I guess you could technically classify me as a dark god though I have very little to do with shadows. Despite what some of my followers believe.”

“You have followers?”

“Yes. Even if they don’t realize it…” The look on her face was almost…sad. I didn’t know it was possible for gods to get depressed. I guess they’re emotions are still human, but you’d expect them to work differently because of the whole immortal…ness.

“So…did you want something from me?”

“Huh? Oh…right. Just came by to poke fun at the irony is all.” She summoned a lavish couch with a snap of her fingers and reclined against it. She snapped again and across from the couch spawned…a folding chair.

…

Fucking cheap ass goddess.

“The tournament?” I took my seat in that god awful chair and tried to ignore the fact that she made the steel cold as artic ice.

“It’s kind of funny. You’re mad when I pull you out of your world to compete in this little game of ours, yet at the first opportunity, you hop onto what is essentially the same thing, just minimized. Mortals never cease to amaze me with their hypocrisy.” One more snap of her fingers and a glass of red wine (god I hoped it was wine) showed up in her hand. She took a sip and inclined the glass my way. “Want some?”

“No thank you. If memory serves, I drank more than enough last night.”

“No kidding. I’m actually holding back the hangover right now. You’re in for one hell of a wake up.” She threw her head up and laughed maliciously.

“Going back to your previous statement, let’s look at all the things that were wrong with it.” I started counting off on my fingers. And that’s when I noticed that my wooden hand actually worked like a hand here. Kick-ass!

“1. It’s not funny. You’re fucking with my life. I never did anything to you, yet you sent me into…I don’t exactly want to call it a hell. There’ve been too many good things here for that. Still, dick move.”

“2. I wasn’t mad, I WAS FUCKING LIVID! Sarcasm is not a yes you dried up, demon fucking cunt!”

“3. You didn’t pull me out of my world, you SMASHED MY HEAD IN! And don’t claim it was just a light tap! I had a headache for hours!”

“4. Little? You are quite possibly destroying the lives of dozens of innocent people! Can you at least try to act respectful?”

“5. I didn’t just hop on to this thing, I actually considered it. Unlike your game, the rules, prize, and time limit were clearly laid out for me. And unlike your game, I suspect, I was actually given the opportunity to refuse. The pros outweighed the cons.”

“6. Actually, I agree with you on that one. Still, this tournament seems a lot less complicated!”

“7. You’re a god and you’re honestly going to talk to me about hypocrisy? Really?”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” The look on her face made it clear this was not worth talking about. “And it is funny. You just can’t recognize it.” She suddenly stood up and looked down on me. “But enough about that. Do you remember my warning?”

“Yes…” I felt nervous as the incident came back to me. Trust me, when a god uses her ‘voice’, it’s not something you forget anytime soon. “I still have ten months before something horrible happens to me, right?”

“Pretty much.”

“I still don’t get-” I was cut off when, with no warning, she grabbed my forehead. Hard.

“WAKE!”

“That has got to be the most…OH GOD MY HEAD!”

The hangover hit like a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris. Fast, powerful, and completely unavoidable. Though I can now honestly say I know what it feels like to have a jackhammer shoved through my temple.

“Alright, where is it?” I desperately fumbled around for my satchel since it held the one thing that would allow me to function with anything close to competent. “There you are.” The blue potion was a gift from…whatever gods the Bast worshipped. Maybe I should have asked Ren about our religion. Either way, I chugged it without ceremony.

No, it wasn’t a cure. Far as I knew, the only thing that could cure hangovers was time. It did, however, lessen the pain and allow me to focus. Which was important since today was the day I learned what exactly I was going to do around here.
I got up off the bed in the room they’d given me. It didn’t have much, just a dresser, a bed, and a nightstand. Still, it was a whole lot better than sleeping on a roof. I slept in my clothes and didn’t really have anything else to do, so I just left in search of the bathroom. Looking back, I always wore the same set of clothes. Never had to wash them. Come to think of it, I never had to brush my teeth either. Yet they were always the same shade of pearly white. That’s better than my human teeth. Not that I was complaining, but it was still odd.

“So you’re awake.” Ren was leaning against the guard rail right outside my door. I wasn’t that surprised. “I thought you wouldn’t be up for another few hours considering how plastered you were last night.” Apparently the tournament was an open secret and being invited into it was a big deal. And you know how Stalliongrad celebrates these things.
I drank two bottles. Not bad for a beginner.

“Yeah, well it’s mostly your fault. Why I let you talk me into a drinking contest…” We made our way over to the stairs (my room was on the third floor connected to the ring) and headed down. “Anything else happen last night? My memories a little fuzzy.”

“Fault tried to seduce you,” he said suddenly. I was so surprised I missed a step. “I stopped her though.”

“Oh…good.”

“Then she tried to seduce me.”

…

“How much did she have to drink last night?”

“She wasn’t drunk.”

…

“Wow. Her standards must be non-existant.” Without warning, he punched me in the head. Didn’t help my hangover, but the pain was worth the look on his face.

“Don’t act like you didn’t deserve that. Considering what I went through to keep you from embarrassment, you should be thanking me.”

“Says the man who calls me Mango Jack at every opportunity.”

“Shut up Mango.”

I really should have seen that coming.

“Good morning!” Fault, looking surprisingly cheerful considering the time and her alcohol consumption the night previous, met us on the first floor. “Sleep well?”

No. A bitch of a goddess is taking over my dreams.

“Like a log actually.”

“Well you could have slept better.” She said it with the look that…well you know it when you see it. At least if you’ve hit puberty.

“Uhhh…”

“Fault, we talked about this,” Ren said menacingly.

“What? He’s sober and of sound mind. That was the deal.”

“Deal? You guys are making deals about me while I sleep?” I wondered if anyone else had friends that did crap like this.
“You weren’t asleep, you were drunk.”

“Doesn’t matter. The answers still no,” I yelled at Fault.

“Fine.” She mumbled something along the lines of ‘You’re more fun when you’re drunk.’ I turned to Ren and glared at him. He just rolled his eyes. It was right at that moment that the rest of last night came back.

I was not a smart drunk.

“So what exactly is going to happen today?” I asked the unicorn as we reached the ground floor.

“Well, I come here a lot and Ren doesn’t have a job, so it’s mostly for you. Essentially they’re just going to show you around, get a basis of how stuff works…get a physical-”

“Wait what?” I am ashamed to say that my first thought was hoping they’d get an actual doctor instead of a vet. “Why do I need a physical?”

“You’re going to be serving food. I don’t know what you’ve heard of other places, but the Hall makes sure all its employees are healthy before we let them go anywhere near its patrons. Same goes for the Hitching Post if you’re wondering.”

“I wasn’t.”

“To each their own. Still it’s good to know in case you wake up there with no memory. Trust me, it’s not fun.”

“Are you always this friendly to people you just met yesterday?”

“Of course. Friendship is Magic after all.”

…

She may not be mane six, but I squeed on the inside when she said that.

“Well, I’m gonna head out. I have a little prick of a pony to find.” Ren said it with such determination that I had no doubt he’d find him. “You have fun at the doctor’s, okay Mango.” My eye twitched in the same instant Fault stifled a laugh.

“Please don’t call me that.”

“You dug your fruit flavored grave and now you have to lie in it. I’ll see you both later.” And with that, he calmly walked off. Almost as if he hadn’t metaphorically nuked any semblance of reputation I had.

“So…”

“Shut up.”

We walked up to the bar, which Bright was busy wiping down. Yeah, he owned the place and he worked the bar. He also wiped it down when he was talking to people. T.V. was right. And standing next to him with a bored expression on his face was…

A dragon?

Yeah, a dragon. A yellow dragon to be specific. He was about the size of those teenaged dragons from Spike’s episode. Kind of like Garble, except with a more serpentine head and a lack of and obnoxious overbite. His bright yellow scales were accented by tan on his underbelly and wings. All he was doing was reclining casually against the bar. As we approached, he looked up at me through slitted brown eyes.

“Ah, you’re awake,” Bright said from behind the counter. “Good morning.”

“Not really.” I held my left hand out to the dragon. “Jack Khajiit.” I figured if I can’t have it as a first name, I might as well take it as my last name.

“Really? I thought your name was Mango.” And any hopes of this day being a good one went down the crapper with the snickers Fault was trying to cover up. “I’m Crisp,” he said taking my hand. He sounded young, which made sense considering he was the size of a teenager.

“You will be working the third floor and Fault has the first. Crisp here works on the second so he’s going to be showing you how it works.” I have to admit, any place that has a dragon working as a waiter gets a few points in the badass department. “We’re closed on Sunday so you both start tomorrow. Have fun and don’t burn anything down.” With that, Bright walked over to a door located behind the counter and went inside.

Around us, I could see other employees getting up to do…actually; I don’t think most of them had anything to do today. The Hall employed about thirty people. And half of them were non-ponies which explained why this place was packed with both groups yesterday. Only about ten actually lived on the premises and most of those went out on Sundays. I had to stay to learn about things.

“That part about burning stuff down…was that a joke?” And so and uncomfortable silence was born.

“Let’s get started, shall we?” The dragon deftly dodged my question and led us in front of the stage. “We always try to fill up the ground floor first. We only send people to the upper rings if they request it or if we don’t have enough rooms. This usually means they’re here for food and not drinking, so we like to start new people off with the less drunk patrons.” Made sense, a good way to learn the ropes.

“Do I have to be here? I already know this stuff.”

“Yes you do Fault. Everyone had to go through it. No special privileges.” The look on his face suggested he really hated the fact. “Hell, I’ve lived here for ten years and they still made me.” Now that’s interesting. My best guess was that he was fifteen. Which brings up the question of what a five year old dragon was doing in Stalliongrad.

“So what are you actually going to show us?”

“Just the kitchen and the delivery system. Come on.” He led us to some plain doors on one side of the stage that said in. I could only assume there were doors on the other side that said out. Inside was a rather lavish kitchen. The appliances looked…not new, but maintained. Still, it was a pretty decent setup. The only person here was a griffin that was busy putting some dishes away in one corner.

“Hey Robin,” Crisp called out to her. It was pretty easy to see why she was called robin. I don’t know whether they were natural or dyed, but all of her head feathers were bright red. When she saw us, she nodded by way of greeting.

“Crisp, Fault. This the new guy?”

“Allow me to introduce you to…”

“Don’t you dare.” Once again, I find myself trying to use heat vision.

“Mango Jack!”

I swear to whatever Gods that are listening, if you send some lightning Ren’s way, I will loyally serve you for the rest of my life!

The gods thankfully could recognize joking and remained silent.

“Exactly how did you manage to get that nickname?” she asked between snickers.

“It’s a long story that I really don’t repeat.” Honestly, would you? You’ve seen the kind of shit I’ve had to deal with. And I skipped Gallopoli! So much trolling…

“Ah, we’ll force it out of you someday. I’d love to stay and chat, but I got a date!” With that she happily walked off whistling a nonsensical tune.

“If you value your life, don’t hit on her,” Fault said in the most serious tone I’d ever heard her use.

“I wasn’t really planning to, but why?”

“You know that D-Dog who took your weapons last night?” It was kind of hard to forget. The guy was the size of a small sedan. “He’s her boyfriend. And he’ll kill you.” I would say it was a joke…but no one could joke with that amount of seriousness on her face.

“Good to know.”

“Well…let’s look at that delivery system, shall we?” Crisp took us over to a small panel on the side of the wall. He opened it up to reveal a dumb waiter. “Since no one wants to carry heavy trays up and down flights of stairs, we send them back and forth through these two elevators. One for food,” he patted the one we were looking at, “and one for dishes,” he pointed across the room where a similar panel could be seen next to the sink. “These little cards here have floor numbers on them. You just take all the platters with number three (one for you Fault) and serve the food. Then you put them in the other elevator with the cards and send them back down.”

“That’s it?”

“Yep. Now let’s go see where you’ll be working.”

He led us out of the kitchen and up the stairs to the third floor. Sure enough, another panel was embedded into the flat wall.
“The system is very simple. You’ll start the night on the other side. Then you’ll go around to any occupied table and take the orders. Then you’ll wait for the food here and take it out. On the other side, you’ll put the dirty plates in the other elevators. And on the way back over here from that, you’ll take orders again. Feel free to clear table and take orders in between food deliveries. You’ll also be responsible for sweeping and mopping the floor when the days done. Oh, one more thing. Are you comfortable serving fish?”

All I did was give him a blank stare.

“Sorry, have to ask. And that’s it. Any questions.”

“Not really. It all seems pretty straight forward.” I took a curious peak over the edge. The place seemed deserted except for a pair of ponies trotting through the doorway. “Who’re they?”

“They? Oh! They’re here early. You just have to take care of some stuff, and then you can go.” I looked at Fault who seemed…nervous. I shrugged and motioned for the dragon to lead the way.

We went back downstairs to be greeted by three ponies. Bright had come out of what I assumed was his office and was busy chatting with a yellow pegasus. She had an orange mane and bright blue eyes and was wearing a very colorful dress. The second was a gray unicorn with a sterile white mane and a needle for a mark. He was busy pulling things out of a medical bag, but turned his gaze to us the second we appeared. His eyes were brown and hard.

“All done with the tour?” Bright asked.

“Pretty much. There wasn’t that much to show them anyway. Can I go now?” Bright nodded and the dragon broke out into a grin. “Sweet! I’ll catch you guys later!” And with that he was out the door and I was left alone with the four ponies.

“Can I go to?” Fault asked…timidly? Bright just shook his head slowly. She immediately tried to hide behind my legs.

…

You know that feeling you get when you know something horrible is about to happen?

Bright turned back to the two ponies.

“You both know Fault. This is…”

“Mango cat. Ve heard. Had good laugh.” The unicorn had the voice of that guy you only go to if you have no other option. You know the one in the back alley that ‘misplaced’ his medical license.

“Yeah, yeah, I have a bad nickname. What of it?”

“Nothing dear. I think it’s charming.” The pegasus spoke with a certain…quality to her voice. I couldn’t really describe it, but it instantly put me at ease. One of those inflections that just made everything sound…comfortable.

“Jack, allow me to introduce you to Stiff Drink, proprietor of the Hitching Post,” the pegasus did a short bow, “and Mal Practice, our local doctor,” the unicorn nodded coldly.

There was something seriously wrong with that last paragraph. Did you catch it?

“You use a doctor named Mal Practice?” I asked worriedly.

“He’s the best around,” Bright said with a smile.

…

“I’m guessing this is the physical I was told about?”

“I must make sure cat is healthy before cat can touch food.” He pulled out that small hammer doctors have and gave it an experimental wrap on the table.

“You’re a real doctor right? Not a vet?”

“Da. I do not like the fuzzy little creatures. Make skin crawl.”
“Okay, just checking.” I looked at Fault who was still pulling the scared little girl act behind my legs. “Scared of doctors?” She nodded timidly. I wanted to say something comforting, but…the doctor is named MAL PRACTICE for Celestia’s sake! How do you make that sound good? “Well…I guess I’m going first then.”

“Mango cat is correct.”

I’m going to skip most of what followed because I doubt you want to hear about me having a doctor’s appointment. It was essentially all the things you have to do when you get your annual checkup. He looked in my mouth and ears, listened to my heart, took a bit of blood, nothing out of the ordinary (although he did swing that little hammer much harder than was necessary).

“What, no shots?” I asked when he was finished.

“I am not familiar with your kind’s physiology. Any medicine I gave you could react very badly with any of your systems. I would suggest consulting with a physician of your own race.” And the only Bast doctors I knew were in the village I’d left to get here.

Sometimes I still wonder why I didn’t just stay.

“Alright Fault, it’s your turn.” Bright approached the mare slowly, as if she were about to bolt. Maybe she was. I couldn’t tell. Still, she didn’t say a word as Bright let her over to the (badly named) doctor. He went through all the procedures and the most she did was squeak when he took blood and gave her shots.

“There. Young mare is all done now.” The stallion emotionlessly packed up his gear and headed out. “Results of blood tests will be in mail along with bill. Same as always. Goodbye.” And then he left.

This day is surprisingly simple.

“Mal’s always been a cold one,” Stiff said with a smile.

“For someone who’s afraid of doctors, you handled that pretty well,” I said to Fault. She took a deep breath and smiled.
“I trust Mal. No one else.” She shuddered a bit, probably remembering the horrors of a place specifically designed to save lives.

Am I the only one who thinks it weird to trust a doctor named Mal Practice?

“So,” I said, turning to Stiff Drink, “to what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Oh, I’m just an old friend of Bright’s. He told me about this interesting young man he hired and I just had to come see for myself.” She smiled at me. Her teeth were whiter than I’d ever seen. Which made me wonder if she actually brushed her teeth. “I must say, interesting is certainly a fitting description. Is it true about your arm?”

I made three solid raps on the table, letting the dull thunks of wood on wood sound throughout the bar.

“My sympathies.”

“I’ve gotten over it.” Mostly…

“Well…that’s good then.” She stood up and began moving towards the door. “Well, I won’t keep you. I have a business of my own to run you know. I hope we’ll see each other again soon.” And like that, I was left alone with Fault and Bright.

“So…” the unicorn began.

“You can go Fault.”

“Yes!” She literally leaped up into the air. “Come on Mango! I’ll show all the best parts of the city.”

“Actually, I need to talk to him about something.” His face shifted into the look of a man announcing an execution. “Something very important.”

“Umm…okay, sure.” I looked at Fault. “I’ll see you later I guess.”

“I think I know what he means Jack,” she said to me with a look that matched Bright’s. The whole thing was making me feel very uncomfortable. “Stay strong.” And with that she left.

As fast as she possibly could.

“Bright, what exactly do you have to talk to me about?”

“You entered the city recently right?” I nodded. “And you plan to stay for more than a month?” It looked that way. “For me to hire you, I need to make sure it’s square with the local government. They need to have you on record. This means…” He sighed audibly. It did not boost my confidence about this situation. “The two of us are going to have to go down to city hall and fill out paperwork.”

…

Kind of anticlimactic.

“That doesn’t sound so bad.”

“Oh, it gets worse.” Now he had the look of a man who just received his own execution order. “The stallion we’ll no doubt have to talk to is one of the worst people it has ever been my displeasure to meet.”

“Who?”

“The mayor. Ward Hoofer.”

Yes, after...I forget how many weeks of hiatus, I'm back! With a pretty boring chapter...sorry.

In other news there are a few things I need to share with all of you.

1. The new coverart was done by the should be famous Io. Sorry ShadowWeaver, but...just look at that thing! I hope you all like it cause that's how he looks now. I went back and changed the description in chapter two and everything.

2. I took that part with the Latin speaking out of chapter ten. I decided that the plan that was for just made everything to complicated. Everything should be in English from now on.

3. I started college last week so while I will try to keep my previous once-a-weekish update schedule, it might be more like every week and a half.

4.???

5. PROFIT! (Had to use this joke somewhere.)

And that's pretty much it. Thank you all for reading and I hope you enjoyed it, at least a little.