“Heave!”

The two of us grunted in exertion as we lifted the heavy man…ponyhole? Yeah…not everything translates well. Either way, we lifted the sewer cover off the hole and over to the side. The stink that came out of it was atrocious. Nowhere near as bad as the Rotter, but still awful.

“So what’s the story on this place?” I asked the unicorn standing next to us. The entrance she talked about was in the basement of a gutted mansion.

“Just some rich prick’s house that burned to the ground. Naturally they pay through the nose to make sure these places have indoor plumbing. This poor sap was unlucky enough to have his house be chosen to receive an outflow pipe. And the guards are either too stupid or too lazy to care about what goes on in the sewers so they never closed up the entrance after the place was abandoned.”

“I expected as much.” Ren was busy peering into the hole. I think he was trying to make sure nothing was down there. “The police in this town don’t seem to be the most intelligent.” Fault snorted in derision.

“All they are is a gang of power drunk thugs. Ask anyone and they’ll tell you the same.” She grabbed onto the ladder hanging from the top of the hole and climbed down. I followed her. When I was about half way down I heard a grinding sound. I looked up to see Ren climbing in and dragging the cover behind him. Within a few moments we were bathed in darkness. I touched down onto the walkway just as Fault began to emanate a glow from her horn.

“Whoa.” We were standing on a small stone pathway next to a rushing river of…well, shit.

“Like I said, it’s an outflow pipe. This right here is the end result of every single eaten meal in the city.” She pointed downstream. “About three miles from the city, there’s a huge treatment plant where the water is purified and dumped back into the river where it flows into the Great Southern Rainforest.”

“Wait…I thought you said it was the Feline Jungle?” I asked Ren. He shrugged.

“Not that many ponies are aware of our existence. Most Bast keep to their own tribes and few ponies venture deep enough to intrude on our lands. It’s only natural they wouldn’t know the proper term.”

“He’s right,” The unicorn said. “I didn’t even know there were Bast until they dragged your sorry buts into that cell.”
“Huh...well that’s interesting.”

“Yeah, I guess it is.” Fault started walking upstream. “Now come on. I want to get to The Hall before nightfall. I’m starving.” The two of us shrugged and followed her.

“We’re walking next to a river of shit and the first thing you think of is food?”

“Shit?” she asked.

“It’s a swear for feces.” Right…no human cursing here. I’ll have to fix that.

“Huh…cool! And yes. I have a strong stomach and it’s demanding food. So hurry up!”

We continued for a time in silence. Just walking beside a river of shit. There might be something symbolic in that, but I’d rather not know what it is. After a time, the dripping from the ceiling signaled that we were under the river. And trust me, even if the entire place smells like the southbound end of a northbound horse, it’s still better than going through the river.

“So Fault, what exactly did you do?” I asked her.

“I told you, I stole something.”

“What did you steal?”

“Money.” I could tell from her tone of voice she was about to slip into story mode. I heard Ren let out a small sigh from beside me.

“When I was little, my family…we didn’t have a lot. Life was always hard. And pretty boring for an inquisitive little filly like myself. So I spent most of my time looking for ways to entertain myself. Well, one day I came across an old lockbox. I spent weeks looking for the key, just dying to know what was inside it. Naturally, I never found the thing.”

“And that’s how I ended up sitting in the alley with the box, tired, angry, and incredibly frustrated. This stallion noticed and came over to ask what was wrong. I told him and he offered to show me how to open the box. I agreed and he pulled out a screwdriver and bobby pin. He walked me through the steps and I got it open.”

“Let me guess, it was empty,” I said with a smile.

“CELESTIA NO! There must have been at least THREE HUNDRED BITS in that thing!” she shouted happily. “Of course, the stallion tried to take it from me. So I screamed bloody murder that he touched my flank. He got the shit beaten out of him and I escaped with my haul. Didn’t even notice I’d gotten my cutiemark till I got home.”

Wow…she picked up cursing fast.

“I think I like this girl,” Ren said with a laugh.

“So from then on I just kept practicing my lock picking. Kept an eye out for more boxes. Never found any. Eventual I figured out that if I used my skill on things I knew had money, we wouldn’t be in such bad shape all the time. Three hundred is a lot, but when stretched between six ponies it runs out faster than you’d think.”

“So I started stealing. My family got cash, I found it enjoyable, and I was able to save a little on the side. Eventually I could afford a real set of picks,” which she loving called her ‘boys’, “and worked my way up to becoming one of the best thieves in the city.”

“And yet, we found you in jail,” I pointed out. She blushed in embarrassment. How can I see that through her fur?

“Even professionals make mistakes. I mistimed a patrol on my last job. I was in that cell for three weeks before you two came along.”

“Glad we could help,” I told her. We spent some time in silence. I figured Fault was at least as trusting as I was if she was willing to give out her life story on a whim. She could also be lying. I couldn’t tell and it didn’t really matter either way, so I let the matter drop and kept walking.

After a couple minute, the dripping stopped and the smell got…fresher. I assumed that meant we were under the city proper. Especially when the main line began to branch off in different directions. Our new acquaintance silently led us through the maze. Well, not silently. At one point she began humming the theme song again. And…I joined her. Sure Ren looked at me like I was crazy, but I was HUMMING THE THEME SONG WITH A PONY! So fuck him.

After a long and very foul smelling journey, Fault stopped at another ladder.

“Here we are!”

“So…we’re under this Hall place?” Ren asked.

“Nope. That’s closer to the middle districts. This is just far enough into the city that we’ll avoid any guard patrols. They don’t come here much.”

“Why? Locals too much for them?” I ask jokingly.

“No. They just don’t care enough,” she said sadly.

Ren volunteered to go up first (a combination of being strong enough to move the cover, having enough arms to be able to move the cover, and wanting to get out of the sewer as fast as possible) followed by me with Fault bringing up the rear. The sun was just setting as the three of us slipped into a nearly deserted street.

“Welcome (back) to Stalliongrad!” Fault yelled with a flourish. We got a few odd looks from passersby, but remained generally ignored. This area of the city was in far worse shape than the market we were in before. The street was cracked and broken in places, the buildings were dilapidated (a few were boarded up), and the people around us just seemed…broken. Ponies and non-ponies alike.

“Wow…this place is a dump,” I said quietly.

“It could definitely use some maintenance,” Ren commented.

“Oh shit! It’s later than I thought!” Fault cried, seeing the now setting sun. “Come on. You think this place looks bad now, you do not want to see it after dark.” She picked a direction and started walking. We followed without complaint. She seemed like she knew where she was going and the Gods know I don’t.

The unicorn led us through a tangle of streets and living beings. We pushed through the crowd, going to some unknown destination. To Ren and I at least. When asked, Fault would just say we were going to ‘The Hall’ as if we were supposed to know what that was. Maybe we were, I didn’t know. The only things I really knew about the inner workings of Equestria are the things I saw in the show. I might be wrong, but I don’t think Stalliongrad was even mentioned canonically. It might just be a fan name that got popular. And yet, it’s apparently one of Equestria’s largest cities. Odd…

Still, the place was a mess. As the sun started to set I could see people locking up for the night (there were a lot of locks), people looking around warily, and some more…shifty characters coming out. I began to warily watch some of the buildings, a little concerned. I’d heard about the stuff that happens in New York at night and if this place was anything like that, we might be in for some excitement.

In actuality, only three interesting things happened. In one of the windows of a boarded building I saw a little filly, just sitting there staring at the street. When she saw me looking she started to wave. Tentatively, I waved back. Suddenly, her mother appeared (at least I hoped it was her mother) and pulled her out of view, glaring at me suspiciously.

Equestria had homeless people. I wasn’t expecting a No Poor utopia, but still.

That was the first thing. The Second:

“I saw that thief. Give it back to him,” Ren said with a snarl.

“What are you talking about,” Fault answered back.

“Saw what?” I asked.

“Don’t play games with me. Give it back to him.”

“I have absolutely no idea what you mean.”

“Give it back or I give you to the guards!”

“Alright, alright! Here, take it.” She tossed me a shiny blue stone I’d taken to carrying around. “Sorry, force of habit,” she said with a sheepish smile.

“What the actual fuck?” I yelled at her.

“Fuck?”

“I’ll explain later, just stay out of my stuff!” I scowled harshly at the unicorn. Apparently I couldn’t trust her as much as I liked.

In other news, I just got a pony to say fuck. Should I be proud or ashamed about that?

And finally, the third:

“Well, well, well. Look who managed to get her sorry plot out of prison.” Three ponies (two earth, one unicorn) and a griffin appeared in front of us, all wearing dumb as fuck grins. “Never seen anything like you before.”

“Cat-people,” the griffin added, “didn’t even know we had those.”

“We’re Bast actually,” Ren said warningly.

“They’re kitties is what they are!” one of the earth ponies shouted.

“Da. Little fluffy kitties,” said the other with a thick Russian…or I guess that would be Stalliongrad accent.
“Taking your pets out for a walk?” the skinny unicorn asked Fault. “You know you’re supposed to do that with dogs, right?”
“Yeah, but if I leave them inside for too long they get…aggressive.” She gestured towards me and the angry scowl I had on my face. I do not like being called a pet. Ask Seras.

“That’s understandable,” he said coldly. “Might I ask what they’re doing with those swords? Non ponies aren’t allowed to carry weapons.”

Oh Gods, not this again.

“Alright look,” I told him, “we already know how this is going to turn out. So how about we just skip all the drama and go our separate ways. Deal?”

“Of course. I would be more than happy to avoid trouble. After you give me those swords.” Behind him, the large accented stallion cracked his neck, the other stallion smiled evilly, and the griffin flexed his claws. “As law abiding citizens of our fair city, it wouldn’t be right of us to let such blatant rule breaking go. But if you cooperate, we don’t have to tell the guards who we got them from. Understand?” he said with a friendly smile.

Ren and I shared a glance.

“Do you want to or should I?” I asked.

“You take care of it. I’m still a little tired from lifting that lid.”

“Alright then.”

“Hah! You honestly think-” The unicorns retort was interrupted. By my fist. In his mouth. Once the punch was delivered, I grabbed onto his mane, spun him around in a circle and threw the lightweight bastard into a nearby dumpster. I turned my smiling gaze toward the stunned faces of his friends.

“Next?”

“Did you see that?”

“Yeah. That was cool!”

“You think that’s our guy?”

“No. That’s the other brown, flank kicking cat man.”

“Oh. Well then we better keep looking.”

…

“That was sarcasm, wasn’t it?”

“Yep. You just can’t seem to get the hang of it.”

“No, no I can’t.”

“Well that was fun,” I said, looking at the now unconscious punks.

“Damn. You guys don’t take any shit.” Wow, she is really getting good at this cursing thing.

“Actually we do, but not from wastes of flesh like these,” Ren snickers.

“Either way that was awesome!” The excited unicorn actually jumped into the air. “I definitely owe you guys a drink. So come on. Times wasting.” She started happily skipped off with the two of us watching with amusement.

“Our new friend seems to like violence,” I commented offhandedly.

“Taking past luck into consideration, she’ll love you,” he joked.

“Yeah. The funny thing is I was hoping to treat our time here as a vacation.”

We continued following the unicorn for another hour through a twisted maze of streets. Eventually, the signs of disrepair lessoned and the atmosphere began to turn less…oppressive. We didn’t stop until a large circular building came into view.

“There she is!” Fault announced. The place was made of wood and at least five stories high. Hanging over the door was a green sign that had ‘The Hall’ scrawled on it in fancy gilded letters. Even from this distance I could hear music coming from inside.

“The place we’re hiding in is a bar?” Ren asked incredulously.

“Not just any bar, the greatest bar in the world!” she said with a smile. It was at that moment I realized just how crazy our new friend was. “See the great thing about this place is it’s usually packed. And the crowd is mixed, so even unusual creatures like you two can blend into the crowd. Plus, I know the management. He’ll help us.”

“You’re insane!” he yelled at her. “We go in there and the guards will hear about it before we’ve finished our first drink. I don’t know about you, but I doubt they’ll be happy we made a mockery of their prison AND physically assaulted over a score of their police officers!”

“Yeah, well it’s not like you have any other options,” she snapped back. “You two are strangers here, and a species most people don’t recognize to boot! On top of that, you’re wanted criminals with no money! Do you honestly think anyone in a position to help you will? I’m your only option and I say this is where we should go!” She stomped a foot to add a bit of finality to her words. Ren looked at me furiously.

“She has a point,” I admitted. “Our hands are tied here. If she thinks the guy running that place will help us, then I say we go for it. At least until we find the tablet. Then we get the fuck out of this hellhole.” He let out a sighed filled with resignation.
“Fine. But if we get caught, I’m dragging you down with us.”

“Noted.” She walked off towards The Hall. I was ninety percent sure this was going to end extremely badly. Still it could be worse. At least I have a hand. Somnambula could have turned me into an ACTUAL cat. That would’ve sucked shit.

The three of us walked up to the bar. I felt my palm go slick from nervousness. It would only take one person recognizing us and we were screwed. I flinched every time someone looked at us. Most just simply arched an eyebrow and looked away. No one stopped us or tried to start a conversation or uttered the famous ‘Don’t I know you from somewhere?’ Remembering what Ren said, I kept my eyes forward and tried to stay out of anyone’s way. It seemed to be working which marked the first piece of good luck I’d had in…ever.

“Jack,” I heard Ren whisper to me. “See that building over there?” He motioned to what looked to be a converted hotel. A sign out front said ‘The Hitching Post.’ It was pretty obvious what happened there. “These two across from each other are just asking for trouble. Watch yourself.” I nodded in agreement. Pony prostitutes. Who knew?

“Hey, that place can be a lot of fun,” Fault said with a smile. “Though they charge extra for seapony style. Tightwads.”

…

Okay...did not need to know that.

I filed that information away in the appropriate place and stepped into The Hall.

And at that very instant, people cheered.

For the band that was getting off stage.

“Dammit! We missed it,” Fault lamented. “Ahhh well, there’s always next week.”

I hoped I got to come here again next week. Just from first impressions I could tell this place was going to be great.
The entire interior was done in wood paneling to give it that old timey inn feel. The main room was a large circle with an enormous space in the center occupied by tables. There was a short staircase leading to a clear area in front of a modest stage to our left. That was the only flat wall in this place. To our right was a long bar backed up against the opposite wall. Above the main floor were four ringed outcroppings that stretched all the way around the side and straight into the back wall, leaving the stage open to the air. Above those was a series of seven balconies. All were occupied by chairs and tables.

“Damn,” I whispered, awestruck.

“Yeah, you never forget the first time you see this place.” The three of us walked to a podium that was right by the stairs leading up to the main seating area from the entrance. At the podium was seated a smiling green mare with an orange mane. She didn’t change her expression once, even when we were close enough that she could clearly tell we were an unfamiliar species. A true professional.

“Welcome to The Hall,” she said cheerily. “Would you prefer seating in the main area, or one of the rings…” She trailed off the second she noticed the pony at our head. “Fault! What are you doing here? Weren’t you arrested? And who are they?”
“They’re why I need to talk to Bright. Is he in?” I swear I saw the mare’s eye twitch.

“Do you know how many people come here every day? People who know you! People who don’t particularly like you? If just one person says the right word to the wrong pony, you’re done for!”

“Yeah, I know Reprise, that’s why I need to talk to Bright.” Reprise stared down at her in disbelief, then up to us.

“And them?”

“He’s Jack and that’s Ren.” I waved at her. Ren remained motionless. “They’re some of the people who helped me escape.”
“Some of the people.”

“The other two bailed the second they were out of the city. These guys have business here, but the guards will definitely be looking for them. In fact, I’m surprised they haven’t already started distributing wanted posters.”

“Same day? Please. They’re not organized enough for that. Still, isn’t there anywhere else you could go? Someplace less…public?”

“Where there are people I trust? No,” she said simply. “Please Rep, I really need help on this one.” She stared at the other unicorn pleadingly. The greeter let out a long sigh.

“I’ll see what I can do. Just try to remain inconspicuous.” Fault gasped overdramatically.

“You doubt my skills?”

“You just got out of prison.” Her deadpanning complete, Reprise walked away. Presumably to go get this Bright person. Fault huffed angrily, then lead us over to a bench conveniently place in case anyone needed to wait for seating.

“So who’s Bright?” I asked her.

“He’s a friend of mine and a lot of other people. This whole place belongs to him. He should help us.”

“Should?” Ren asked, still suspicious.

“If he doesn’t let us stay here he might know a place where we can hide. At least until you guys do…whatever it is you’re doing here.” She let her head rest on the bench while exhaustion swept across her face. “At the very least we might be able to squeeze a few free drinks out of him. After today, I need one.”

“Truer words were never spoken,” I muttered. We sat there for a bit waiting for Reprise to come back. I listened to the idle chatter of the sober patrons, the stories and jokes of the partially drunk patrons, and the incomprehensible slurring of the completely smashed patrons. The only interesting thing that happened was a small scuffle that ended when a Diamond Dog threw a pair of ponies out into the street.

“Bright agreed to see you,” Reprise said, retaking her place at the podium. “He’s sitting at one of the tables in the back. There is one thing though.” She called over the D-Dog that threw the drunks out. “Those swords of yours…”

“No,” Ren growled immediately.

“Bringing them with you will just cause trouble. Mica here will bring them to a secure room-”

“I said no! I’ve already had two people try to take these from me! I will not let you be the third!”

“Ren,” I half growled at him. “We haven’t used them once since we got here. They’ve cause more fights then they’ve resolved. I know you don’t like to trust people, but we don’t have a choice. Besides,” I leaned in close so the others wouldn’t hear, “if worse comes to worse, we can just kick the crap out of everyone in here.”

For a few moments, he was silent. He had this look on his face like he just swallowed something unpleasant. It might have been his pride.

“Fine. But if they are not presented to me the second I wish to leave, I will personally ring the neck of everyone in here.”
“You could try,” Mica growled right back. Reprise nodded in agreement and we passed over Lux, Erebus, and Ren’s un-named dagger to Mica. As for my hidden weapon…what they didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them. As long as they kept their word.

“Thanks Rep, I owe you one,” Fault said, smiling as we passed her.

“You owe me a lot more than one!”

“Yeah, yeah,” she said as we stepped up to the main floor.

“Ha! I told you they’d come here! Now pay up!”

“You’ll get your money. What do you think boss?”

“Where are the other two?”

“Don’t know.”

“They probably left the city.”

“I suppose it doesn’t matter.”

“So…is he our guy?”

“I would like to see a demonstration before I come to any conclusions.”

“I’m on it.”

We weaved through the mess of the main floor. There was a near equal number of ponies and non-ponies in attendance. Here and there, waiters and waitresses (of various species) ferried food and drink to the crowd. Somewhere in the background a fiddle was being played, but there was too much activity for me to pin down exactly where.

It wasn’t hard to figure out where we were going. Sitting at a table exactly opposite the entrance was a bright red earth pony stallion that looked to be in his early fifties. He was idly taking shots of vodka as he surveyed the scene with calm eyes. When he saw us he broke out into a friendly smile.

“Hey Fault, how’s it going.”

“I’ve had worse days,” she said taking a seat. “Jack, Ren, this is Bright Red. Bright, this is Jack and Ren.”

“A pleasure,” he said simply before moving a trio of filled shot glasses in our direction. I didn’t touch it. I was still learning my limits when it came to drink and Stalliongrad vodka was famous for a reason. My two friends had no such qualms and downed the shots in an instant. “And before you ask, I call myself Bright because there’s already a thousand ponies named Red.”

“Believe me, I’m not about to get into an argument over names.” I stared pointedly at Ren, daring him to say something.
“So, what brings you three to my humble establishment?” He looked at Fault. “Other than drinking my vodka of course.”
“It just doesn’t taste the same when I get it from anywhere else. We need a place to hide.”

“Right, the jailbreak. There are rumors going around, but nothing official has been released yet. They’re keeping it quiet.”
“What a surprise,” she said dryly.

“Let’s just cut to the chase. Fault, why did you come here? You could have left. Gotten a fresh start. Gone and seen your family. They still send letters you know,” he said somberly.

“Stalliongrad’s my home. It’s been that way all my life and I’m not about to leave her because a few shiners are looking for me,” she said adamantly. They stared at each other for a few moments before he turned to us.

“And you two?”

“We have business in the city,” Ren answered. “We’ll only be here a week. Maybe more, depending on the disposition of an old friend of mine.” The stallion stared thoughtfully into his drink.

“I can think of a few people who’d be willing to put two people up for a week. If you can pay.” I winced slightly and I heard Ren emit a soft sigh. “Otherwise, you’d be better off just finding a dry roof or an unused balcony to camp out on until you finish whatever it is you’re doing.”

“We’d probably have to hide during the day if they start actively searching for us,” I pointed out.

“We’ve slept in worse conditions. We’ll be fine.”

“That’s good to hear. I can offer you rooms here for the night.” He switched back to Fault. “As for you, we’ll work out something in the morning. I still think you should leave the city.”

“Yeah, I should. But I won’t. Not unless that’s the only option.”

“It might well be.” He got up to leave. “You’re really lucky I like you Fault. Enjoy your drinks.” He started walking back towards the bar, leaving us alone.

“That was surprisingly easy,” Ren said.

“Yeah. He must have decided he likes you two.” Fault quickly poured herself another drink.

“How?” I asked her. “We barely had a conversation.”

“Trust me on this. Bright’s cutiemark might be a pyramid of shot glasses, but I personally think his talent is judging character. Now,” she raised her glass up high, “let’s drink!”

“There’s an idea I can get behind,” Ren said wearily. I rolled my eyes at the two of them and grabbed my glass. I raised the drink to my lips-

“HEY WATCH IT!” Cold liquid poured all over my back as the glass I was holding spilled on the table. I turned around to see an obviously intoxicated orange pegasus holding an empty mug. “I told ya ta watch it!” he screamed at me. I took a deep breath and shoved down my anger.

“Accidents happen,” I said calmly. “It’s nothing to get worked up about.” I took a glance at Ren. He motioned towards the drunk, effectively telling me to deal with my own problems.

“Nothin’ ta get worked up about! Ya shpilled ma drink!” he yelled, holding out the empty mug. “Ya owes me a new one! NOW!” People were staring at us again.

“First of all, you spilled it. When you walked into me. While I was sitting down. Secondly, I personally think you’ve had enough to drink. And Third, you spilled a drink of mine,” I motioned to the overturned shot glass, “so I think were even.” He stared at the small puddle of vodka open mouthed for a few moments.

“You makin’ fun of me?” His eyes narrowed dangerously. “Are YOU makin’ fun of ME?”

“No. I’m just stating the facts. So if you could kindly just go back to your seat, we could put this whole thing behind us.” I stared at him, hoping that some sense would work its way through the drunken haze in his brain so we could avoid a fight.
In retrospect, I should have seen the punch coming.

As his hoof connected with my nose and I fell against the table. I heard a group exclamation of surprise, followed by a few cheers of approval. Fault tapped me on the shoulder.

“Since he struck first, anything that breaks is his fault.”

…

“Good to know.”

I kicked upward, hitting the pony in the jaw. I followed up by pushing myself off the table and into a punch which the pegasus dodged. I turned right and threw up my arms just in time to block the kick he sent my way. The pony flapped its wings and flew above me.

What the hell? He’s not drunk!

The pony dove down at me. I grabbed onto him the second he connected, feeling the shock of the punch in my ribs. With a roll, I launched the pegasus into a nearby chair (the people seated around us had stood up and formed a ring).
Where the hell is that bouncer? Didn’t bars hire people to stop this kind of stuff?

He let out a low growl before charging at me. I found myself under a barrage of stinging wing slaps. With a growl of my own, I caught one and twisted. With the yelp of pain that came out of his throat and the reaction of the crowd, I’d put the move somewhere around a kick to the crotch. I let go only to have him head-butt me in the stomach.

I fell to the ground and let him get over me. I pushed up with both my legs and sent him into the air. He landed back first onto our table (luckily cleared by Fault). I stood up and quickly elbow dropped his head, knocking him unconscious.

“Can someone please explain why I keep getting attacked in this city?” I asked, ignoring the few scattered cheers from the crowd.

“Luck has never been kind to you Jack. Just accept it?” Ren said simply.

“I wonder why they didn’t break up the fight,” Fault said while poking the unconscious pegasus.

“I asked them not to.” We turned to see a maroon unicorn with a powdery white man smiling at us. She motioned to the unconscious pegasus. “I’ve had men watching you all day and I asked my employee there to provide me with a demonstration. It was a little short for my tastes, but I think you’ll do.”

“Do for what?” Ren asked. He shared my suspicion. I’d seen enough movies to know that whatever offer she’d make had an 83% chance to be something I wouldn’t agree to ethically and if I refused there was a 74% chance she’d make me regret it. Fault however, had a large smile on her face.

“Listen to her. I think I know what she wants and it could be very, very good for you.” I arched an eyebrow at her statement. I’d only known Fault for a day. I wasn’t completely sure if her morals would match up to mine. Before I could respond, a cough from behind us stole everyone’s attention.

“Maybe you shouldn’t discuss sensitive matters in public?” Bright suggested. The mare laughed.

“True enough. How much for a balcony?”

Let me just say this. Their balcony seating kicks ass. For ten bits your party can sit on the top floor in a little enclosed space and watch everything going on below. They even have a guy in the hallway whose only job is to take the orders from up here.

Ren, Fault, Bright, the mare, and I were all seated around a table in the outcropping across from the stage. Drinks had been provided. Again. And I didn’t touch them. Again.

I was really hoping this day would just end.

“Now then, I suppose I should introduce myself,” the mare started. “My name is Cedar.”.

“I’m Jack, this is Ren and Fault, and I’m guessing you know Bright.”

“I’ve had the pleasure of his company before. Now, I understand you and your friends are in some legal trouble.”

“That’s a polite way to put it,” Ren growled.

“Well…a few of my men saw you fighting and were impressed. I must say I am too. Not many people could defeat Citrus so easily.” I shrugged. “It’s nothing to dismiss. In fact, it’s exactly what I’ve been looking for.”

“For what exactly?” She smiled.

“You see, those of class in the city of Stalliongrad like to play…a game if you will.” Uh-oh. “All year we watch the city for anyone with martial talent. Then we host a tournament. Each member backs a fighter, we put them through a series of one on one bought, and we see who comes out victorious.”

I was about to forcefully decline. I was already in one of those and it cost me an arm. But before I could make any objections, Ren spoke up.

“Are these fights lethal? Is there any potential for serious injury?”

“Yes, but nothing fatal. Weapons aren’t permitted, but the fights are under what we have taken to calling ‘Stalliongrad rules.’ It goes on until one of the participants is unconscious. We do have trained medical professionals in reach at all times in case things get out of hoof.”

Once again, I tried to decline. And once again:

“What do you get if he wins?”

“Fame and bragging rights. Also any bets I’ve placed on him.”

“And us?”

“First prize for the contestants is 500,000 bits. Cash.” I swear a register went off the second she said cash.

“Well I…what?” I asked her.

“We do provide proper compensation for our fighters. We’ll also cover any medical care you may require for the duration of the tournament.”

“It’s a really sweet deal,” Fault said, nudging my shoulder. Bright remained silent. I think he was watching to see what I would do.

“It is, and I’m willing to make it sweeter.” She levitated some papers and a quill out of a small pouch she was wearing. Without ever looking away from us, she began to write. “What I am making here are two weapon permits. As long as you keep these on you, the guards won’t be able to bother you over those swords of yours. If you accept of course.”

“Why are you making this offer to me? Ren’s the better fighter,” I said, pointing to him.

“That I cannot dispute,” he said smugly.

“Yes, but this is as much a game of politics as it is combat. Crowds have a tendency to become more emotionally attached to a longshot. An old warrior that’s probably done this before…”

“I can’t dispute that either.”

“…has a much better chance of winning than an out of nowhere rookie. Both of us get a portion of the payout for your bets. If you come in with poor odds and start winning, we could both see some decent earnings.” It made sense. Though it still meant I was the one getting my ass kicked.

“Will I know who I’ll be fighting?” I figured I might as well find out as much about this as possible.

“I’m afraid I can’t tell you. While we do gather all the fighters in one room for an orientation, the roster is randomized. You wouldn’t know your opponents until you step into the ring.”

“Will I have any time to prepare?”

“The first match isn’t for a month.”

I think that’s what made me actually consider the offer. A month to hone my skills and the chance to win 500K. It seemed like a pretty good idea.

“What do you think? We’re only supposed to be here for a week.” Ren leaned back and spent a few moments in silence.
“I should point out that the tournament itself takes place over the course of a few months,” Cedar said apologetically. “Fighters need time to fully recover between matches and it really hikes up the tension if you’re forced to wait to see whose going up against whom.”

“Oh…that could be a problem,” Ren mumbled. “If you’ll excuse us for a moment.” He motioned towards the door. The two of us got up and moved into the hallway where we wouldn’t be overheard.

“What do you think?” I asked him.

“Far too long. I want to be in and out of this city as fast as possible.”

“Why? You don’t know how long it would take to find the guy Copper sold the slab to. For all you know, it could take months to find it! Let’s face it, this is a big city and a week was more than optimistic.”

“I could find it in a week!”

“Then prove it. And in case you’re wrong, it will give us a pretense to stay in the city while you’re searching.”

“And if I find it before the tournaments over? She won’t be happy if you just decide to leave.” He leaned in close and began to whisper. “Equestria may seem all nice and happy on the outside, but some of these nobles will go to very drastic lengths if crossed.”

“Then it would be in our interests to see it through.”

“And while you’re getting your ass kicked, what will I be doing.”

“Searching for the slab?”

“And after that?”

“Whatever you want. Get to work on translating it, start preparing an expedition to wherever, help me train for the fights, take a vacation? I know for a fact there has not been a single day where you’ve done nothing since Valen. And before that you were a prisoner for five months! Take some time off!”

For a moment, we were both silent as he considered his options.

“Now that you mention it, I have been busy. But we’re still wanted criminals. I don’t want to camp out on a roof for longer than needed!”

“I believe I can help with that,” Bright said from his position in the doorway. Cedar and Fault stood to either side of him. Ren’s eyes narrowed angrily.

“You do realize this was a private conversation.”

“This is my bar. Nothing’s private unless I say it is,” he said simply. He motioned back towards the balcony and we grudgingly returned to our seats. “Since the good lady here has offered to help the three of you with your legal trouble,” the lady in question smiled, “I’m willing to offer Jack and Fault jobs as waiters.”

“Jobs?” I asked.

“Help with our legal trouble?” Ren mumbled.

“Consider your problems with the guards taken care of, regardless of what you decide.” Cedar smiled that smile that only politicians could do because they practiced it in front of a mirror a thousand times.

“I’m sure you saw those two ponies being thrown out earlier?” We nodded. “Those were a couple of my former employees. Despite what some may think I do not permit drinking on the job.”

“That’s…convenient.” I never get this lucky. It’s like a string of half-assed plot devices hastily thrown together at the last minute.

“I tend not to think about these kinds of things too much. It’ll drive you crazy. I can also offer room and board, though it’ll be taken out of your salary. For Ren to unless the two of you want to share a room.” We shared a look.

“I’ll just spring for the extra room,” I said hastily.

“So you agree?” Cedar asked.

…

“Yes. On both counts.”

“Excellent. Now I’ll just need your full names for the weapon permits.” I should have seen it coming. I should have been more careful. I should have done everything in my power to stop him.

“My full name is Ren-Thel. For him you can put Mango Jack Khajiit.”

For a moment, all was silent. That moment was shattered by the sound of Fault falling over laughing.

“Do I even want to ask?” Bright had a stunned expression on his face.

“It’s a long, aggravating story.” I would have expanded, but I was too busy practicing my heat vision on Ren who wasn’t even trying to hide his smile.

“Right…here you are.” Cedar passed the documents to us. Sure enough, at the bottom of mine in flowing script:

“Mango” Jack Khajiit.

“I hate you,” I growled at Ren, trying to ignore the smile on Cedar’s face.

“I know.”

“There is one more thing,” Bright said, talking over the still floored Fault. “There’s a tradition at the hall. I know Fault plays the harp, but you’re going to have to learn an instrument.”

“What? Why?”

“This used to be a concert hall. We need to respect that.” He said it with such an air of finality. I felt that this was one tradition I should follow.

“I’d love to, but there’s not much I can play with one hand.” I held up my wooden arm for emphasis.

“You only have one hand!” Cedar screamed.

“Eeyup,” I said smiling.

“I just hired a fighter with one arm,” she said softly. I swear I saw her eye twitch.

"Something tells me life is about to get interesting," Ren said with a chuckle.

I was inclined to agree.