Thomas couldn’t stop fidgeting with the collar of his jacket as they came to a halt before their destination. The address was set roughly half way between the castle and the outskirts of the city, what most referred to as the middle district. The house was far from quaint. At three stories tall with pristine marble walls, a vast yard bordered by a white picket fence, and an array of very expensive looking statues dotting the landscape, it was clear that whoever lived here was doing well for themselves.

“Stop fidgeting,” Moonlight softly chided as she gently batted his hands away. She wore only a violet vest with Luna’s cutie mark stitched into the shoulder. It was a recent addition to the guard uniform, something for semi-formal occasions when the armor was just too flashy. That said, she still wanted to show off. “There’s no reason to be nervous.”

“Easy for you to say,” Thomas gulped. He’d insisted on something more formal, but Moonlight had assured him that his casual clothes were more than sufficient for what they had planned.

“They’ll like you!” Moonlight said with a hint of exhaustion. She’d lost track of how many times she’d had to tell him this. “Just relax and everything’ll be fine.”

“Relax?” Thomas deadpanned. “I’m a guy meeting my girl’s family for the first time. I don’t think I’m allowed to relax.”

Moonlight puzzled at Thomas’ words. “What exactly are you worried about, anyway?”

“Oh, the usual,” he shrugged. “Me taking their daughter away without their permission.”

“I’m a grown mare,” Moonlight said proudly. “I don’t need anypony’s permission. Besides, you’re the stallion, so technically I’m the one taking you.”

Now it was Thomas’ turn to puzzle. “So you’re dad’s not going to read me the riot act about what he’ll do if I… try something?”

Moonlight just stared back at Thomas before breaking down into guffaws. “I’m sorry,” she gasped, “but what can you even do? You’re,” she gestured at him, “harmless. I’m the one who has to worry about you, remember?”

Thomas chose to ignore the jab at what little pride he still had. “Yeah, but…”

“Also, we’re not humans,” she reminded sternly. “Here, it’s the colt’s dame who’d be reading me the riot act about looking after you.” She bent down and licked his cheek. “A job, if I might boast, I have carried out quite well.”

Thomas wiped his cheek clean and rubbed the remaining wetness on Moonlight’s forearm, causing her to chuckle more. With an affirming nod, Thomas stepped forward and entered the perimeter of Moonlight’s family’s property along the cement path. With Moonlight by his side, he was resolved to face whatever came his way.

Not five steps in and Moonlight came to a sudden halt. Her body tensed as her ears flicked every which way. Thomas also tensed, keeping close to Moonlight as he too tried to survey his surroundings for whatever had spooked her. Aside from the statues, the yard seemed perfectly ordinary. A few trees with browning leaves gave the yard a fair bit of shade, pushes lined the interior of the fence, and a quaint little garden could be seen just poking out from the side of the house. The statues themselves, upon closer inspection, looked incredibly life like. They were all ponies of various ages, tribes, and poses ranging from the simple to the elaborate. The left side of the yard was filled with males while the right was dominated by females. It was there that Thomas caught movement out of the corner of his eye.

Moonlight seemed to catch it as well as she motioned for him to stay behind her while she sidestepped her way towards the front door. “Not this time,” she muttered resolutely, gritting her teeth. Thomas would have asked what she meant, but a soft click caused both their heads to snap towards the door, leaving them temporarily distracted.

It all happened so fast, as if in slow motion. One of the nearest statues, a moderately plump earth mare, chose that moment to stop pretending as she adjusted to a pouncing stance. Thomas tried to cry out, but the mare was too fast. She lunged forward, arms outstretched as her immense shadow quickly overtook Moonlight. Instinctively, Thomas tried to intercept, but felt a hand against his chest as Moonlight held him at bay. As the statue mare’s arms moved to tighten around her prey, Moonlight suddenly ducked. When the statue mare’s arms closed around nothing, she looked down in horror as Moonlight gave a smirk back.

As Moonlight clenched her fist and primed her arm to strike, Thomas could have sworn he heard someone call out “Shoryuken”, just as Moonlight’s arm shot up and made contact with the statue mare’s chin. The statue mare was sent flying high in the air, where upon she fell back to the ground with a thud. She groaned in agony as Moonlight stood back to her full height, cracking her knuckles in, what looked to Thomas, as a show of dominance.

“Good one, sis,” the statue mare grunted.

“Sis!?” Thomas yelled in understandable shock.

“Moony!” Came the happy cheer from the now open door. Standing in the doorway was a tall, plump, older looking earth mare with crimson fur and a bright green mane tied in a bun. She wore a pink, frilly apron with a bright red heart tied in the front as she held her arms out in welcome.

“Lovey!” Moonlight cried out with equal enthusiasm, grabbing hold of Thomas’ wrist with her tail, she dragged him along as she rushed up to the older mare. They collided with a soft thump as the earth mare held tightly onto Moonlight, pulling her into her soft, squishy body.

“It’s been too long,” the mare named Lovey cooed as she nuzzled the top of Moonlight’s head. “You’ve gotten so big, too.”

“Look who’s talking.” Moonlight chuckled as she grabbed a handful of Lovey’s plump middle and gave it a squeeze. The older mare pushed back in surprise, but Moonlight just kept smiling. “You’ve started a new diet, I see,” she said as her eyes ran appraisingly over the mare’s figure. “Only three cakes a day?”

Lovey turned her head in a huff. “I’ll have you know I’m pleasantly plump. It’s all the rage in Vanhoover.”

“Uh huh. Sure.” Moonlight did not sound very convinced as she rolled her eyes.

“It also helps with my clients,” Lovey continued to explain. “They tend to respond much more positively to a mare who reminds them of their dame.” She opened her mouth as if to justify her weight further, but then her eyes fell on the small creature staring nervously at her from behind Moonlight. “And who might this handsome young lad be?”

Thomas smiled, grateful at both the compliment and for being recognized as a guy right away. “Hello, ma’am.” He extended his hand to shake. “My name is Thomas and I-” Alas, Thomas was unable to complete his introduction as his body seemed to be sucked into the gravitational pull of the plump mare’s plump breasts, where upon he was unceremoniously smothered and swung about like a sack of potatoes.

“Eeeeeee!” Lovey squeaked as she held Thomas tightly within the expanse of her cleavage. “You’re him! You’re him! You’re him!”

“Easy, mom!” Moonlight urged as she tried to extract Thomas from his bosomy prison. “I thought I told you not to scare him.”

“Oh pish posh.” Lovey dismissed as she adjusted her grip and pulled Thomas up, causing his head to poke free of her all-encompassing bosom. The fabric of the apron had completely sunken into her crevice, allowing her breasts to swing freely, battering the sides of his head like soft, fuzzy bludgeons.

“How can you show me a colt this cute and expect me not to snuggle him?” Lovey asked, holding her hands out to indicate Thomas, leaving the human to be briefly held in place by the power of … magical pony cleavage? “Just look at him. He’s just so scrawny! How can you justify neglecting a colt this cute?”

Thomas began chuckling at the mare’s words, recalling how Luna had used much less convincing excuses to play with him. While initially fearful, Thomas quickly relaxed once the need for oxygen had been appeased. Being trapped between a mare’s bosom, the softness of her fur, the warmth of her body, and even the steady beating of her pulse all had an oddly calming effect on him. Damn Pavlov.

“It’s, ugh,” he grunted, trying to extract his arms from the bosomy prison, but to no avail. “It’s nice to meet you, ma’am.”

“You already said that part, sweetie.” Lovey casually said to the man wedged tightly between her chesticles. “Is there anything else you’d like to say?" She batted her eyelids playfully.

Thomas smiled sheepishly as he was set upon by a sudden case of stage fright. Thankfully, the statue mare groaned again, reminding all that she was still on the ground, still in pain. Thomas in particular looked to Lovey, anxiously awaiting her response.

Lovey grinned at Moonlight. “How’s it feel to get the jump on your older sister for a change?”

“Very nice,” Moonlight sighed in satisfaction. “Hear that, Marble?” she called in triumph. “You’ve ambushed me for the last time.”

“N-nevah!” Marble wheezed as her arm shot up in declaration, only to limply fall back to the ground.

“Is… is someone going to help her?” Thomas asked from his mobile imprisonment.

“Naaaaah,” Lovey dismissed. “She’ll be fine, but it’s nice to see you’re so concerned.”

“Thomas is the sensitive type,” Moonlight explained, her smiling gaze shifting between her love and his captor.

“Alright,” Thomas deadpanned, looking away from the downed mare. If this is normal for these ponies, I guess I’ll just have to roll with it. “Second question. Can I get down now?”

“Oh, pardon me,” Lovey chortled as she bent down until Thomas’ feet touched the ground. Then she stood, allowing Thomas to slide free without any indication of force or leverage. It was like the mare’s massive mammaries had never imprisoned him in the first place. “I suppose that was a little rude of me.”

“Nah,” Thomas waved a dismissive hand. “It’s alright. To be honest, I’m actually used to it.”

“Lovey!” Called a gruff sounding female from inside the house. “With all that racket you’re making, I’m guessing Moonlight’s home?”

“She’s here!” Lovey called back. “And she brought her stallion!”

As Thomas popped the kinks out of his formerly confined joints, he soon became aware of a low rumble in the distance. It sounded faint, but he could soon feel its tremors rumble up his feet and through his body. The more he listened, the more his body shook, the more his mind turned to a particular scene from Jumanji. His heart sank as one word resounded in his mind. Stampede!

Out of the darkness of the doorway, the thrumming rumble came to an abrupt halt as the herd of ponies materialized. Surprisingly, all that ruckus had been made by only two ponies, a unicorn mare and stallion. The stallion had aqua fur with a black mane done up in a spikey anime style. There were age lines around his face that gave him a wizened look. He was well built with a somewhat short horn and a sun poking over clouds as his cutie mark. His smile was warm and inviting.

Beside him stood a mare with milky white fur and a black streak running through her blue mane. Her age lines were much more pronounced, making her look roughly twenty years older than the stallion. There were scars in various places across her body, which was toned and muscled enough to look like a professional athlete’s. Her horn looked much taller than average and upon her hip was a silver arrow shooting through a spiral of mist. The grizzled mare had a look about her that made Thomas absolutely certain he didn’t want to get on her bad side.

“Mom!” Moonlight cheered as she threw her arms over the grizzled mare and pulled her into a hug.

The grizzled mare’s expression instantly softened as she affectionately patted Moonlight’s back.

The embrace was short as Moonlight quickly extracted herself and made for the stallion. “Dad!”

“Moony!” The stallion cheered as he returned the embrace, leaning back and pulling Moonlight with him in the powerful hug. “Ugh, my filly’s gotten so big,” he grunted as he set her back down. “I don’t know how much longer I’m gonna be able to do that.”

“Then I guess I’ll have to,” Moonlight offered as she took her turn to lean back, lifting the stallion off his hooves before setting him back down with a grunt.

“I see you’ve gotten a lot stronger since last time,” the grizzled mare said approvingly, her voice just as gruff as she looked. She grabbed hold of Moonlight’s bicep and gave it a testing squeeze. “Glad to see you haven’t been slacking.”

“As if I have time to slack,” Moonlight laughed tiredly. “I spend half the night exhausting myself.” These words earned a round of chuckles from the mare’s parents.

“I can imagine,” the stallion laughed as he heartily patted Moonlight’s back. Lovey cleared her throat, drawing all eyes to her just as she motioned down at the human beside her, causing him to freeze like a deer caught in headlights. “And this must be Thomas.”

Despite the stallion’s warm expression, Thomas had completely forgotten Moonlight’s assurances regarding Equestria’s differences and took a step back, ready to flee if need be. Alas, the poor man was too slow as the stallion scooped him up into a tight bear hug. The near bone crushing embrace was short lived as the stallion hooked an arm under Thomas’ rear, holding him up as one would a child.

“Aww! Well aren’t you just the cutest thing ever,” he cooed, nuzzling the top of Thomas’ head. A playful eye turned on the grizzled mare. “See, Misty. I told you she went for the coltish type.”

The grizzled mare, whose name was apparently Misty, rolled her eyes. “Sure, sure,” she shook her head dismissively as she noticed Thomas’ confused expression. “Fair warning. Never herd with a prostitute. You’ll get no end of grief from their so-called expertise.”

“A little late for that, Misty,” Lovey said with a half smirk as her eyes darted between Thomas and Moonlight. “Looks like we’re destined to be a family of whorses.”

Thomas cleared his throat and motioned for the stallion to set him down. From there he bodily faced Misty. Moonlight had spoken little of her family, but he knew Misty Arrow was the lead mare, the head of the household. With all he’d learned about the hierarchy of the family, there was no doubt that he needed to pay his respects as quickly as possible. He stepped forward and offered his hand. Misty reached out to do the same, but Thomas turned the tables on her and gently gripped the bottom of her wrist. With a flourish he bowed down and kissed the mare’s knuckles. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

Misty made a strangely wanting groan, which earned soft chuckles from the others. At Thomas’ shiver from an especially chilly breeze, Moonlight pointed out her human’s lack of fur and herded the rest of her family inside. When Marble gave out another attention garnering moan, Moonlight lit her horn and magically dragged the mare inside by her tail. Once inside, the family quickly arranged themselves in a living area. The three parents, Morning, Misty, and Lovey took an especially large sofa while Marble turned a wooden chair around for her seat. Moonlight was shown to a more moderately sized couch where there was plenty of room for Thomas beside her.

The house smelled pleasantly like lilacs. Following his initial assumptions, Moonlight’s family was very well off if their furniture was even half as expensive as it looked. There were family portraits along the walls, fancy tables holding fancier vases, and all the other odds and ends one would expect to find in a rich person’s home.

Thomas was finally given proper introductions to the family. Marble Craft was Moonlight’s older sister, but born to Lovey Dovey. Marble was a freelance artist while Lovey worked as a therapist. Moonlight’s birth mother, or dame as they were called, was Misty Arrow, the grizzled mare and Lieutenant in the Equestrian army. Morning Glow, former concubine to Princess Celestia and current freelance prostitute, was the herd stallion. There were two more members of the household currently out working: Gold Gourmet the professional cook, and Jazz Note the trumpet player. The rest of Moonlight’s siblings had long moved out to pursue their own lives across Equestria, leaving only Marble who came off as a bit of a slacker, despite the effort she put into her sculptures.

“Moony’s told us a lot about you in her letters, Mr. Thomas.” Misty stated formally.

“I deny anything that makes me sound bad,” Thomas deadpanned, earning chuckles from all but Misty.

“For the longest time it was all my Morning could do to not write back and spell it out for you,” Misty said to Moonlight, causing the mare to rub the back of her head in guilt. “Your feelings were just that obvious.”

“Seriously, sis,” Marble spoke up. “You’re, like, one of the thickest mares I know, and that’s saying something.” She pointed a thumb at Lovey.

“Keep talking, sweetie,” Lovey said with a chipper smile. “There’s no limit for how deep you can dig your own grave.”

Thomas glanced between the surrounding ponies, congratulating himself on how he noted the way they were all averting their gazes or making other expressions of annoyance. This fight sounded well practiced, like the mares did it on a regular basis, and Thomas was proud of himself for properly reading their body language.

“And now you’re a concubine, too,” Morning interjected, cutting off the bickering pair before they could get too far. “Gotta say none of us really saw that coming.”

“Seems you’re following in both our hoof steps,” Misty commented idly. “Mine as a proud and dedicated soldier, and your sire’s as a walking tool of pleasure for royalty, and mine again for herding with the first cute stallion to give you a good rut.”

Moonlight blushed at her mother’s analysis.

“Ease up, Misty,” Lovey chided gently. “You’re scaring the little guy.” She waved at Thomas.

“He should be afraid,” Marble scoffed. “After what I heard last night, we should all be terrified.”

“One more word out of you, young lady, and I swear I’ll draw mustaches on all those sculptures you refuse to sell!” Lovey’s voice boomed as she waved her finger threateningly. Marble looked ready to protest, but one look from her mother and she sunk down low in her chair. That seemed to be the end of that, at least for the moment.

“So, Thomas.” Moonlight spoke up before anyone else. “What do you think of my family so far?”

Thomas briefly glanced at the ponies across the room before meeting Moonlight’s gaze. He’d have preferred to answer such a question in private, but Moonlight’s tone suggested she wanted him to rebuke them for their misbehavior. Ultimately, he decided honesty was the best course. “They’re a colorful bunch, that’s for sure. I can tell you must have had a lot of fun growing up with a family like this.”

Moonlight just blinked in surprise.

“Aww,” Lovey cooed. “Isn’t that sweet.”

“I trust concubine life is sitting well with the both of you?” Morning inquired.

“I’m still a guard, first and foremost,” Moonlight clarified. “But I’m happy to be there for both my charge and my Princess.”

“I’ll bet,” Morning smirked knowingly as his eyes turned to Thomas. “And you?”

“It’s been a challenge at times,” Thomas admitted. “Picking up on pony customs and body language has been pretty hard, but, thanks to a certain orange mare, I think I’m finally starting to get things.”

“Why aren’t you naked?” Marble asked bluntly. “Moony’s tried writing, but I never really got it. You don’t have fur, so I guess it makes sense to wear seasonal stuff, but why aren’t you naked indoors?”

Lovey leaned over the arm of the couch and whacked Marble upside the head. “Don’t be rude. It’s a custom from his homeland.”

“I’m just asking!” Marble protested. “How’m I supposed to know what’s rude or not if I don’t ask?”

“Its fine,” Thomas assured. This seemed to calm everyone down as all looked upon him with curious eyes. Clearly Marble wasn’t the only one who wanted to know. “Basically, after using clothes to protect ourselves from the elements for so many centuries, it’s kind of embedded itself in our culture that being without clothes is, well, rude. There’s this mindset that the only reason to be naked is either for bathing or… intimate stuff,” he finished with a murmur.

“Ah,” Marble said in understanding. “Now I get it.”

“But ponies go around naked almost all the time,” Morning pointed out. “You don’t have a problem with that?”

“Less than I used to,” Thomas admitted. “I think I’m largely desensitized to it now, but it’s just more comfortable for me to wear clothes, especially in front of strangers.”

Misty leaned forward, parting her legs as she rested her elbows on her knees. “So then, Sir Thomas. I trust our little Moony has been treating you right?”

Thomas set a possessive hand on Moonlight’s leg. “She’s been nothing but wonderful. The way she looks out for me, how she’s there for me when I need her, I think I must be the luckiest guy in the world.”

There was no sound as all eyes fell on Misty, awaiting her verdict. With an audible sigh, the mare leaned back in the couch and crossed her legs, staring at a spot on the ceiling. “Alicorns preserve us, he’s a romantic,” she grumbled.

While initially confused by the mare’s words, Thomas looked up to find Moonlight beaming excitedly. Her expression was shared by the other ponies. Apparently this was good news.

“I’ll go finish preparing lunch,” Lovey announced as she stood and departed.

“So, if no pony’s got the nerve to ask, it might as well be me,” Misty said resolutely. “How exactly does a little shrimp like you manage to satisfy a big gal like Princess Luna?”

Thomas felt his cheeks warm just a bit. “I… ahem, don’t -”

“Mom!” Moonlight whined.

“What? I thought we established there was nothing wrong with a little honest curiosity?” Before Moonlight could protest further, Misty cut her off. “Besides, you weren’t the only ones your father told bedtime stories too,” she said with a suggestive wiggle of her eyebrows. “At the moment, I’m pretty sure I know more about concubine life than you do.”

Moonlight opened her mouth once more, but this time was cut off by Thomas. “Lots of herbs and magical stimulants,” he stated matter-of-factly. “Also, besides having an exotic body, I… know things.” This seemed to catch everyone’s attention.

“Things?” Morning leaned forward.

“What sort of things?” Misty asked from her spot on the couch.

Thomas looked to Moonlight, wordlessly asking her permission. She nodded and Thomas did something he never expected to do: describe his sex life to his sorta-wife’s polyamorous parents, with his sorta-wife’s assistance.

“So it’s you!” Morning exclaimed. “My old concubine buddies were spreading the word about all these new sexual positions, but they were being pretty tight lipped about where the ideas really came from. But all this time it was you!?”

“I regret nothing,” Thomas declared flatly.

“First Halloween, now you’re bringing us human sexual practices,” Misty said with a smirk. “What’s next?”

“We’ve got a patent on a new human game,” Moonlight answered. “It should be ready for sales just in time for the Hearth’s Warming rush.”

“Well damn,” Morning chuckled as he draped an arm over Misty. “At this rate, it’s going to be the stallion who wears the horseshoes in your house, Moony.”

“You think so?” Moonlight asked curiously.

Thomas chuckled, inferring what was being implied. “I still rely on her for a lot of stuff, so I guess you’d say it’s more even.”

“Come and get it!” Lovey called.

At her announcement, everyone filed out of the living room and made for the dining room table. Thomas’ chair was given a few extra cushions, sparing him the humiliation of a high chair or having to sit in somepony’s lap. Light conversation continued regarding what were considered mundane matters.

“And Tali’s been really great to both of us,” Moonlight explained. “She really helped Thomas come out of his shell, not to mention helping me work up the nerve to finally admit how I felt.”

“Glad to hear the old bird hasn’t changed,” Morning commented as he took a bit of his salad. “Always looking out for the newbies, that one.”

“But I thought you still kept in touch with Celestia’s harem?” Thomas inquired.

“Most of ‘em, yes, but Tali and I sorta drifted apart after I left,” Morning said despondently. “We still write sometimes, but it’s just not the same.”

“Agreed,” Lovey said with a nod. “She was one of the few people in Canterlot who could actually out-drink Misty.”

“Anyway, you said in a letter how you and Princess Celestia started spending time together?” Misty asked.

Thomas briefly choked on his food. After Moonlight helped him, he surveyed the room for any signs of tension. He recalled the story of how he’d heard that Morning had insisted that his children spend as little time with Celestia as possible, lest they become as spoiled as Blueblood, or something like that. Thomas’ eyes darted between Morning and Moonlight, fearful of how they might react.

“That’s right. I was meaning to ask about that,” Morning said, his tone as carefree as could be. “How’s the old filly doing these days?”

Thomas and Moonlight exchanged puzzled looks. Apparently this was not the reaction either of them had expected.

“Uh, Dad,” Moonlight began cautiously.

“Yes, Moony?” he asked, keeping his happy grin.

“You’re, well, reacting a lot different than I was expecting.”

“How so?”

“Well… Aren’t you… just a little…”

Seeing his fillyfriend flounder like that, Thomas had no choice but to step in. “We heard somethings about why Moonlight wasn’t allowed to hang out with Celestia when she was little.” This statement just seemed to breed more confusion, so he pressed on. “We heard that Blueblood was a spoiled prick and you didn’t want Moonlight turning out like him.”

“Damn right we didn’t,” Misty replied. “That little punk just refused to behave himself, even around impressionable little foals. I don’t care how important his work is; that sort of behavior is just unacceptable in public. We all agreed that it would be best to keep all of you as far away from him as possible.”

“Okay, you’ve lost me,” Thomas confessed. “So it was Blueblood you were keeping Moonlight from, not Celestia?”

“Well, he was always by her side in those days, learning the skills to be a good Prince,” Lovey explained. “I suppose that’s just how things turned out.”

“Good Prince?” Moonlight asked in disbelief. “How can you say that? He’s… he’s a villain, a walking scandal machine.” This earned a round of polite agreements from the adults, much to Moonlight’s growing frustration.

“It’s an unusual talent, but you can’t deny the colt knows what he’s doing,” Lovey commented good-naturedly. “It really suits him.”

Thomas shook his head, rubbing his growing headache. “I’m still lost, here. What’s Blueblood’s talent?” Besides being a royal pain in the ass.

“You said it best, Moony,” Morning said with a tired sigh. “He’s a walking scandal machine, the crown’s semi-official fall guy. Whenever there’s something going on that the crown doesn’t want the masses looking into, you can always trust Blueblood to turn up with something to keep the papers busy.”

Thomas and Moonlight just exchanged another puzzled look.

“Like that thing a few months ago when his harem all left him,” Morning continued. “Wasn’t that around the time a certain hairless ape turned up in the castle without explanation?”

Thomas pulled back, mouth agape at the stallion’s implication.

“But… but he barged right into Luna’s room and demanded she hand over Thomas, all because of some insult that was his fault to begin with,” Moonlight explained in exasperation.

“You were there?” Misty asked.

“Yes.”

“And I assume you did your duty and protected your stallion.”

“He wasn’t really my stallion at the time,” Moonlight blushed, “but yes. I did my duty as his guard while the other applicants just stood there looking stupid.”

“Did they now?” Misty asked leadingly.

It was Moonlight’s turn to gawk at the implication. “They… did nothing… absolutely nothing.”

Misty nodded. “And what happened to them after that?”

“We… never saw them again.”

“Good riddance,” Morning held up his cup in cheers. “A harem is supposed to be like a herd. We’re the Princess’ family, and a family that doesn’t look after its own doesn’t deserve to be called such.”

“Same for a mare who won’t even defend her stallion,” Misty added.

Thomas slumped back in his chair, staring down at his food as he processed this new information. “So… that was a test?”

“No shortage of tests in the harem system, little guy,” Misty sighed. “Especially in that first year. I swear, tests must be Celestia’s secret fetish or something for the things your father had to go through.”

“Me?” Morning asked. “Remember what she put you through? I swear, all the hoops that mare made you jump through, I’m surprised rings don’t trigger some sort of trauma.”

“You think that was bad?” Misty asked. “Celestia was just being an overprotective dame, looking out for her foals. Your actual dame,” she kept her grin while shuddering. “Now that mare was scary.”

“She was,” Lovey whispered, nodding at her foals and son-in-law. “There’s a reason I always had errands to run whenever your grand dame came over to visit.”

“Anyway, I’m sorry things turned out like they did,” Morning apologized. “Celestia and I had started to grow apart and we agreed it was time for me to go. Between no longer living at the castle, you getting your cutie mark, not to mention trying to work around Blueblood, things just sort of… happened.”

“Oh,” Moonlight realized. “I forgot I’d gotten my cutie mark around that time. I started my special training after that and then… I guess I sort of forgot.”

“We were all a little at fault,” Lovey added. “I remember one time Marble asked me when we’d be going to the castle to see dear Auntie Celestia again, and that was about the time Misty here,” she gestured with her head, “decided to vent some concerns she’d been having about the new military budget. She stopped asking after that.”

“Wasn’t my fault,” Marble denied. “I know better than to get mom worked up like that. Unlike dad, I never considered an angry mare trying to kill me much of a turn on.”

“Misty?” Lovey asked evenly as she held her hand out in front of her. “If you please.”

“Of course,” Misty responded in equal calm as her horn lit and a bar of soap was levitated into the earth mare’s hand. “Will you need anything else?”

“This is more than enough. Thank you,” Lovely kindly nodded at her herdmate before snapping a venomous glare onto her daughter. Marble, who had been distracted while eating, did not notice until it was too late. Lovey then pounced on her daughter, knocking her out of the seat as the younger mare tried in vain to crawl away, all while her mother used her superior strength to climb up Marble’s body until she pulled the smaller mare into a choke hold.

“You like being a smartass so much?” Lovey growled as she held the soap at the ready. “Let’s see how you like this.”

And Thomas was bestowed with very confused feelings as he watched the naked mother and daughter writhe around on the ground, making the sort of grunts and groans mother and daughter really shouldn’t be making together. All this, and “A Christmas Story” flashbacks left him uncertain how he should feel.

Lunch was allowed to continue in relative peace. Although, given what had happened, a car crash might have been more peaceful, not to mention causing less head trauma.

“Please tell me it’s not like that all the time,” Thomas pleaded on the carriage ride back to the castle.

“Oh, don’t be absurd,” Moonlight assured as Thomas sighed in relief. “They’re not normally so behaved.”

Moonlight’s family, everybody! Not my best work, but I felt it was a satisfactory prelude for the upcoming holiday mini-arc. Basically I want to get Hearth’s Warming out of the way before continuing with harem expansion.