Moonlight groaned in annoyance as the antique cuckoo clock went off. It was a family heirloom and the chime was quite pleasant, mildly melodious, but just blaring enough to rouse the dead. As such, the mare returned to the realm of the living by unceremoniously kicking her sheets off, revealing her buff form. The mare had never seen much point in pajamas, especially when it was so warm out, so she usually did without. Sliding out of bed as her hooves hit the ground with a light clop, she rose to her full height, took a few quick stretches, and made a quick survey of her room. The shelves and their contents all seemed in place. The desk hadn’t been moved. Her armor was as clean as she’d left it yesterday. And the lock on the safe she hid under her bed hadn’t been tampered with, meaning her toothbrush hadn’t sprouted arms and legs to go for a swim in the toilet.

Everypony got so mad that day. Moonlight thought as she applied the lock-combination while recollecting an event from her foalhood. They all said it was a dream, or that I was lying to cover up a revenge prank, which big sis would have totally deserved after what she did to my socks. But I know what I saw and that toothbrush definitely grew limbs. It even extended its middle finger like an odd thumbs-up when it saw me. Maybe that’s how toothbrushes greet ponies? Whatever. So long as it doesn’t happen again, I’m willing to pretend it never happened in the first place. She thought as she regarded the toothbrush suspiciously before continuing her routine.

Oral hygiene taken care of, Moonlight jumped in the shower, feeling proud of how her position in Luna’s House Guard had earned her a room with a fully furnished and private bathroom. As a soldier, it just felt so oddly decadent as she scrubbed herself down before drying off. After relieving herself, she proceeded to pull out her personal grooming kit, complete with a variety of brushes, clippers, and other things. Guard or no, a mare still had to keep up appearances. She even took the time to brush her mane, despite the fact that it spent most of the time hidden under her helmet. After trimming all unsightly long hairs in her mane, tail, fur, and pubic hair (all of her mothers had taught at a young age the importance of trimming the hedges) she was clean. Her orange coat even gave off a satisfying twinkle, which was perfectly normal.

Next came the morning workout. Push-ups, sit-ups, pulls, twists, and concluding with touching her hooves. She always performed that last task making sure her backside was facing away from the door. Her tail always wanted to lift when she bent over like that. This meant that, if somepony were to walk in on her with her back end facing the door, she would either die of embarrassment, or accidentally kill somepony. Either way, there would be grotesque amounts of paperwork. All that was left was to don her armor, which she did one sheet at a time, and she was ready to meet the… day. Huh. This must be what Thomas and Luna feel like when adapting to modern speech. She thought in amusement.

**********

Breakfast was in chow hall, as usual. However, since she’d begun hanging out with Talon and Thomas, she’d adjusted her routine to consuming two smaller portions in the morning instead of eating as much as she wanted to in one sitting. It was a bit of a chore, but it meant she got to enjoy meals with all of her friends, so it was worth it. On the bright side, she had Sundays off, meaning Thomas and the others would most likely be doing something indoors, which in turn meant she could eat all she wanted this morning.

“And the royal wrangler returns!” Called out a stallion as he waved her over.

…so worth it.

Moonlight rolled her eyes as she carried her tray over to the others. They were all fresh recruits, graduating the academy and joining the various divisions of the guard in the same year. There was Lavender Crush, the purple Pegasus stallion who called her over and liked to play den mother to the others; a red unicorn mare named Quick Strike who, while seemingly clumsy, never failed to hit her mark; the obscenely large brown earth pony stallion named Sturdy Spear, whose quiet nature concealed a terrifying power house; and the group was rounded out with Blade Grace the light gray bat pony mare who, in keeping with the stereotype of her race, was a devout follower of Luna.

Her friends all cheered and patted her back as they welcomed her to the table, but she still turned a disapproving glare at Lavender Crush. “I don’t mind what you guys say about me, but you shouldn’t say things like that about Thomas. He’s very sensitive.”

“Who said anything about the human?” Lavender Crush scoffed. “We’ve heard the stories about what that griffon, Talon, gets up to. You keep her in check, right?”

“Oh.” Well that’s a different matter entirely. “In that case, I’m afraid you overestimate my abilities.” She explained coolly as she took a sip of her tea, trying to keep a straight face while the others snickered around her. It wasn’t easy.

“How is she not a mom yet?” Quick Strike asked. “I mean birth control spells can only get you so far. If even half the things I’ve heard are true, you’d think something would have slipped past by now.”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Sturdy Spear asked before blowing on his porridge. The others waited with bated breath as he slowly slipped the spoon into his mouth and chewed slowly. An outsider would be forgiven for thinking he was building suspense on purpose, but this was just how the giant pony was. “She’s getting enhanced spells from the Princesses, things not available on the general market.”

“Is that it?” Quick directed her question at Moonlight. “Does the harem get accesses to off-market merchandise?”

“Why keep something like that off the market anyway?” inquired Lavender. “If it’s safe enough for the concubines, why not make a small fortune from the extra cautious ponies out there?”

Moonlight gave an exacerbated sigh. “I don’t know. But even if they did, you know I wouldn’t be allowed to tell you.”

“Very good,” Blade Grace commented dryly. “You’re finally learning your role.”

Moonlight leered at Grace from across the table. Despite her denial, or the fact that they were all in the House Guard, the bat pony had been jealous of the unicorn receiving the special assignment of guarding Luna’s Senior Concubine. And when Moonlight confessed discussing the infamous Prench incident, Grace had never failed to bring up the subject as a reminder of her failure in keeping the Princess’, her Princess’ secrets. “Are you ever going to let that go?”

“I think she’s just jeal-damn it!” Quick stumbled as she dropped her fork to the floor. Leaning down to pick it up, the others made sure to give her ample distance. Almost expectedly, the unicorn managed to slip and somehow land on her back under the table with her hooves high in the air.

“You alright?” Lavender smirked as he asked the pair of hooves beside him.

“Fine… ugh. But I was trying to say that she’s just jealous that a certain somepony gets front row seats to some of the juiciest action in the castle.”

“Why do you never use your magic?” Sturdy asked. “Seems you could save yourself a lot of trouble that way.”

“Don’t change the subject!” Quick snapped as she struggled to recollect herself, her armor clinging and scraping the whole time. “We’re talking about the Princesses’ secret sex lives.”

“No. We are not.” Grace said flatly. “They are secret for a reason and we would all do well to respect that.”

“Yeah, but what reason exactly?” Lavender asked to a perplexed audience. “I’m serious. Why are the Princesses so secret about their sex lives? I mean, what’s the big deal?”

“He makes a fair point.” Quick agreed, finally righting herself. “What makes their sex lives so special that they actually make rules about keeping them secret?”

“Obviously they want their privacy,” Grace countered sternly.

“What’s there to be private about?” Quick inquired. “They teach this stuff in school. Hay, my moms taught me a whole bunch of positions to help keep things fresh.” She leaned in to the group and lowered her voice. Even Grace, as if on reflex, couldn’t help but join the others in their spontaneous huddle. “Apparently, dad really liked it when they did it belly-to-belly and he was the one being mounted.”

“He was being mounted? I thought you only had one dad.” Sturdy asked, to which the others nodded in agreement.

“I do,” Quick smirked, obviously pleased with herself at holding the others’ attention. “It was my moms who were doing the mounting.”

“You mean… with toys or something?” Moonlight inquired. What her friend was describing simply wasn’t making sense. Mares can’t mount stallions. How would that even work?

“Did he turn his penis around?” Lavender pressed, just as confused as the others. “I’ve heard a little about that. Seems like it’d be really uncomfortable though.”

Quick just kept on smirking. “Belly-to-belly, remember?” There was a near unanimous “oh” from her audience as all pulled back, finally satisfied as they were able to picture exactly what their friend had been describing. “I think they call it dolphin style.” She added while the others reflected on their mental images.

However, Moonlight was still having trouble. Theoretically it made sense, but it just seemed so strange. Since she didn’t know Quick’s parents, she tried to visualize her own. Father on his back, probably on a bed. Mom Misty Arrow comes in and… climbs on top? The image just wasn’t clicking for some reason. There was no embarrassment in her imaginings. She knew what her parents did behind closed doors. It was the same thing any loving herd did when the mood struck, or they wanted to show their affection, or for no reason at all. It was a perfectly natural act. That’s how she was conceived, after all. However, this belly-to-belly thing just wasn’t making sense. Her confusion must have been present on her face, because that’s when Quick waved her hand to draw Moonlight’s attention.

“Try imagining the Prench incident, but where his torso is coming out between her legs.”

“Ooooh!” Moonlight finally got it as she reconsidered her mental image. Mom Misty Arrow would be sitting on dad’s pelvis while he penetrated her. Now it finally makes sense. She nodded in appreciation to her friend as she silently congratulated herself for finally understanding. Moonlight then let her gaze fall absentmindedly to her food as the image lingered in her mind. Luna, naked, sitting atop Thomas, while his penis enters her vagina…

“Was it really necessary to bring that up again?” Grace chastised.

“In this case, yeah,” Quick nodded. “But you see my point. It’s perfectly fine to talk about this stuff, so long as the Princesses aren’t involved. Why?”

“Could be older customs,” Sturdy suggested. “They’re thousands of years old. Things were a lot different back then. Maybe they’re just sticking to old practices in their personal lives because that’s what makes them most comfortable.”

“Finally.” Grace threw up her hands in relief. “Somepony speaks some sense on the matter.”

“Which he wouldn’t have been able to do if he’d hushed like you said.” Quick retorted snarkly, leading to a viscous staring contest between the two mares.

Lavender rolled his eyes at the display. He knew that look. These two were going to have words at the end of their shift. “Good theory, but I’m not so sure.” He said to Sturdy. “I took some advanced history classes and, from what they described, it’s basically been all over the place when it comes to what’s acceptable regarding sex. One century it’s taboo to even say that it exists, and the next they’re mounting in the streets. In fact, I’m pretty sure my professor said that in those first few centuries after the wendigoes, when they were struggling to keep the population stable, that the Princesses loosened age restrictions and that foal-fiddling was deemed acceptable; or at least not seen as bad.”

There was a pregnant pause in the group. Even Moonlight was drawn from her previous thoughts to consider the ramifications of what Lavender had just described.

“Bah!” Grace sneered. “No doubt one of the Sun Princess’ policies, assuming it’s even true.”

“And here we go again,” Quick scoffed. “The bat pony staying true to the stereotype and being a Luna fanatic.”

“Fanatic?” Grace seethed.

“Yeah. Fanatic,” Quick set her hands on the table in an aggressive posture, causing Grace to do the same.

“Since when is it fanatical to show proper reverence for the elegant diarch of the night?”

“Since, no matter what the books say, the books that both Princesses approve of, you’re never able to accept that, sometimes, the all-powerful alicorns aren’t always perfect. They make mistakes like anypony else.”

This was bad. Lavender and Moonlight exchanged looks that said as much. This was always a touchy subject for both mares. While Quick loved to push Grace’s buttons about her love of Luna, they did sometimes take things a bit too far and they both said things they regretted later. Both mares could see it coming as well as their watchers, so maybe, just this once, they’d stop themselves before things escalated too far.

“You want to talk about mistakes?” Grace growled. “What about Celestia’s mistake of neglecting her younger sister and driving her to madness?”

Or not.

Now they were in trouble. Even the surrounding ponies had caught wind of what was being said and were eyeing the pair warily. Lavender and Moonlight both readied themselves to tackle the two to the ground to mitigate damage. If somepony didn’t do something, anything, this could break out into a full on fight.

“What’s Thomas’ penis like?” Sturdy asked nonchalantly. His question had caught them so off guard that all tension had left the table. “He does have one, right?”

It took a moment for the friends to fully recover from their surprised stupor. The quarreling mares finally looked back at one another, their body language conveying submission in a show of remorse. In time they smiled meekly and whispered words of apology. They had remembered they were friends, good friends, and they turned to offer grateful smiles to Sturdy for stopping them before they forgot it. When their shift was over, he’d be invited for words too.

Quick was the first to break the silence. “I’ve… been wondering about that myself. Does he ever go outside without his loincloth?”

“I’ve certainly never seen it,” Grace agreed with a sigh of relief at the subject change.

Quick looked like she wanted to say something. No doubt it would be something along the lines of ‘why is it okay to talk about him but not the Princess?’ Thankfully, the unicorn managed to hold her tongue long enough for Lavender to notice and anticipate the question. “We’re not talking about what he’s like with the Princess. We’re talking about what he’s like in general.”

Grace smiled appreciatively and even Quick looked satisfied with the explanation. Sturdy showed no expression. However, Moonlight became very nervous as all eyes turned toward her.

Moonlight did her best to pretend she wasn’t listening. But the inching of her friends ever closer was becoming harder to ignore. She had no choice but to surrender and answer. “He’s very shy and doesn’t like to show off that part of himself. It’s part of his culture to show modesty.”

“Oh please,” Quick dismissed. “That’s not an answer. Come on. Give us the juicy details.”

“Juicy?” Moonlight couldn’t help but smirk at what her fellow unicorn must have been imagining. “Well, I suppose there’s no harm in it. It’s just anatomy after all.”

“There ya go!” Quick cheered triumphantly. “Now hurry up and get on with it.”

“Ever the patient one,” Moonlight noted as she picked up her cup and ever so slowly took a long sip of her tea, much to the agitation of all. When she had finished tormenting them, she contented herself to honesty. “I’ve never seen it either.”

“What?”

“No way.”

“You can’t be serious.”

“I find that hard to believe.”

“It’s true.” Moonlight admitted to her disappointed friends. “We did shower together once.” Her audience renewed their hope as they leaned back in. “But he was embarrassed, so I didn’t try looking.”

“You had a prime chance to see his secret package and you blew it,” Quick condemned. “Don’t tell me you weren’t a little curious. I mean, what’s he hiding anyway?”

“Not much, I think.” Lavender commented. “Just look at the size of his loincloth. I don’t think that thin piece of string would have fit me when I was that tall.”

“Right?” Quick nodded. “I swear he’s got a smaller bulge than some of Celestia’s female concubines.”

“Since when does size matter?” Grace asked. “What counts is that it fits and what he does with it.”

“Normally, yeah,” Quick agreed. “But then there’s the other extreme where it’s so small you don’t even notice.”

“Not notice?” Grace asked coyly as she propped her arm up on the table, balled her hand in a fist, and extended her pinkie finger. “We get noise complaints when I just use this.”

“You don’t just use that.” Sturdy corrected sternly. “And I said I was sorry.”

Grace rolled her eyes as she let her arm rest by her side. “My point still stands. Ponies, mares and stallions, are all sensitive down there. There’s no way you wouldn’t feel it, no matter how small he is.”

“Hold on a sec,” Quick held her hand out as her eager expression betrayed the idea forming in her head. “How do we know it’s small all the time?” She paused for suspense. “We’ve been speculating about what he’s like with the assumption that it’s all normal down there, like with a sheath an all. What if, while erect, he becomes a whole lot bigger?”

“Bigger?” Moonlight repeated. “No stallion or colt I’ve ever seen got that much bigger, but I guess Quick’s right that we shouldn’t be applying the same standards to a different species.” She then became aware that all eyes were once more upon her, eager to hear her verdict. Apparently I’ve been designated the unofficial expert on human anatomy, making mine the most trusted opinion, even if I don’t know much more than the rest of them. “I suppose it’s possible, but I find it unlikely.”

“Why’s that?” Grace asked.

“It’s hard to say,” Moonlight admitted. “But from what I’ve seen about him, I don’t think his body is as… I want to say ‘elastic’ as ours.”

“How do you mean?” Quick asked.

“Just the way I’ve seen him move. His body seems so much more rigid than that of a pony. There’s no bounce or stretchiness.” Moonlight paused, struggling to find the right words to convey what she meant. “It’s like when we went to Ponyville and that…” her voice became notably more irate, “mint unicorn tackled him. If he were pony, he would have bounced more when… that scatter-brained tramp assaulted him. Also, when she was sitting on top of him, her weight compared to his should have made him flatten out more. But none of that happened. It’s like his bones are made of rock or something.”

“If I’m getting this right, it sounds like he’s made of rock while we’re made of metal.” Sturdy commented. “My sister’s a smith and she tried explaining it to me. Metal can bend under pressure, while rock just breaks.”

Moonlight flinched at the mention of ‘break’, but she couldn’t deny the analogy. “I’d say that’s a fair comparison.”

“Well no wonder he needs a body guard, then.” Quick chimed in. “Strength that doesn’t even compare to a unicorn’s and as brittle as stone. One good hit and he’s probably…” she hesitated when she noticed Moonlight squirming uncomfortably as her mind raced with all manner of unpleasant scenarios. “That is to say, no wonder you were assigned to him since you do such a good job of keeping him safe.” She insisted through a forced smile.

“Agreed.” Lavender added. “Little guy hasn’t broken yet, and it’s all thanks to you.”

Sturdy just nodded in agreement.

Moonlight looked around and gave them all appreciative smiles for attempting to console her. Then she noticed Grace and hesitated. I already brought up Ponyville. There’s no way she’s going to let that failure slide without some kind of remark. The orange mare braced herself for the worst.

“He manages to walk around with a smile on his face,” Grace commented flatly. “You could be doing worse.”

Wow. Moonlight smiled gratefully, only to internally chide herself for thinking so ill of Grace. She might be a little envious of my assignment, but that doesn’t mean we’re not friends. Grace would never...

“You’d never guess how many times he’s been assaulted since coming to work for the castle.” Grace added flatly.

I hope your toothbrush decides to go for a swim after you forget to flush.

“Not to get us back on track or anything,” Lavender chimed in. “But does he have a sheath? Surely you had to see at least that much.”

Moonlight grimaced as she strained to recall. “I don’t exactly remember, but I don’t think so.” The other ponies flinched at her suggestion.

“No sheath?” Lavender asked, squirming in discomfort. “As in, it got torn off? How terrible.”

Sturdy shuddered.

“I don’t think so,” Moonlight insisted in a bid to calm their discomfort, though she was starting to worried as well. Losing his sheath, however it happened, would explain his shyness about showing it off. “I can’t say for certain, but I don’t think he ever had one.”

“Well you should probably ask then.” Quick insisted. “Talon was sharing him around with her friends to build his confidence, right? Maybe this is why he’s having problems to begin with.”

“Do griffons have sheathes?” Grace asked. “I’ve never seen a male griffon before. Maybe, since they’re both omnivores, it’s normal for them not to have sheathes?”

“Does that even make sense?” Sturdy inquired, to which Grace could only shrug.

“So…” Lavender resumed. “Does it just hang out there all the time, out in the open?”

“Sounds to me like a certain somepony needs to pony up and just ask,” Quick suggested to a round of agreements from the others.

“What?” Moonlight squeaked. “Why do I have to ask him? If you’re so curious, why don’t you do it?”

“You’re his friend,” Lavender countered. “You said it’s his culture, so it might sound weird coming from somepony he doesn’t trust.”

Damn it! I am his friend and he probably would trust me over them. So why does asking about a guy’s penis feel so awkward? “Oh. So that’s how it is.” Moonlight grumbled indignantly. “You’re just going to throw me under the carriage to satisfy your curiosity; is that it?”

“Basically,” Lavender nodded.

“Pretty much,” Quick answered with a chipper smile.

“Sorry,” Grace shrugged sympathetically.

“Try not to take it personally,” Sturdy offered.

“Would it make you feel better if we offered to be there when he finally shows it to you?” Quick inquired with cautious optimism.

Moonlight glared daggers at the other unicorn. “I’m quite certain that would only make things worse.”

“Oh well,” Quick shrugged. “Can’t blame a mare for trying.”

“I can try,” Moonlight muttered.

“What?”

“What?” Moonlight repeated innocently.

“You say something?” Quick asked suspiciously.

“Oh, would you look at that,” Moonlight announced as she directed their attention up at the clock. “We’re almost late for the start of our shifts.”

It was more than just a clever diversion, as the others immediately bolted from the table and carried their trays to the disposal area. They said quick goodbyes at the door and went their separate ways. And as Moonlight approached the door to Luna’s chambers, hoping they hadn’t gotten up early and left without her, she was also left wondering how to breach the subject her friends had obligated her to.

Really enjoyed writing this one. The characters really fleshed themselves out as I wrote them and they bounced off one another to a satisfying degree; a good omen for the future. As a test of the new plan to take some of the focus away from Thomas, I’d say this was yet another success. And while the subject did come back to him, it was more regarding his peculiar human anatomy than any relationship issues. There was some nice world building with ponies seeming to operate under partial cartoon physics in contrast to the more solid human.

I took out the word “missionary” from a couple chapters. It’s not an idea that exists in this world and not just because pony priests don’t care. What I’m thinking is that while the pony equivalent of the Kamasutra is something that can be read publicly without embarrassment or immature giggling, it doesn’t have as much content as ours regarding positions. However, this openness about sex has a drawback in that the lack of secrecy means that it’s just not as fun to explore. Everyone knows what sex is, or at least they think they do. Without a taboo encouraging people to wonder what the big deal is, there’s just no point in going out of your way to find out.