Horse People Go Naked
Chapter 166: Chapter 165: Hiding in Plain Sight
Previous Chapter Next Chapter“You know, it’s funny,” Moonlight mused as she eyed the corridor and the ponies milling about their business. She endeavored to not look down to avoid drawing unnecessary attention, even knowing such an exercise was pointless. However, she remained at attention, nodding and saluting as needed as she pretended to patrol.
“What’s funny?” Thomas asked from his cozy perch, also watching the world and pedestrians go by.
“You can tell the security risk is low because of how few stallion guards are wearing their chest pieces. The mares still have to wear theirs to keep their jiggly parts in place, and both sexes now have to cover their groins, but the stallions get to go around bare-chested.
“Humans would call that male privilege,” Thomas joked.
“Well, it fits. I never realized how much I appreciated a modest breeze over my nipples until I started going hours without. Curse these males and their natural physiology working to their advantage,” Moonlight playfully swore while facing a stallion guard, beaming with mischievous glee that he hadn’t heard a word she’d said as they shared a respectful nod. It had only been a few minutes, and the temptation to abuse this power had already gotten to her head.
“Having guards wear different levels of armor seems like kind of a risk, though,” Thomas pondered. “If there really was a threat, you’d let on that you’re aware, making them more careful.”
“The rule is experimental and only applies in noncritical areas,” Jet informed, less obvious in her amusement at talking freely without notice as she followed beside Moonlight. As far as everypony else was concerned, she and the orange unicorn were nothing but ordinary night guards on some nondescript patrol. Although, anypony recognizing Moonlight was more likely to assume she was on harem business, whatever that might entail. “But, you’re right. Such a practice would pose a serious risk if there were a genuine threat. Would you say you have a tactical mind?”
“Not really,” Thomas admitted.
“Interesting. Most ponies would need a cutie mark related to tactics to have realized that issue so quickly,” Jet informed.
“Well, it just seems kind of obvious to me,” Thomas replied, wiggling between his cozy holders to get comfy. Also, moving for its own sake in his current environment just felt nice. Then, eyeing a stallion who’d chosen to wear armor over his chest, the human elaborated, “I know that feudal systems have multiple nobel families control their own armies. For humans, modern military is about unifying all soldiers as a single force. You’re loyal to your immediate commander, but you could get shuffled to the other side of the country at a moment’s notice and answer to a whole new set of guys, and you’d be expected to obey their orders the same way.”
“Equestria has been transitioning to that kind of system for the last few years,” replied Moonlight. “Some of the more stubborn nobles are still holding out, but their forces are dwindling all the time, so it won’t be long before we’ve got our own unifying force.”
“Except for the night and day guards,” corrected Thomas.
Moonlight scoffed. “That’s just the Canterlot royal guard. A lot of what we do is for ceremony and tradition. We stand around and guard hallways because guards have always done that.”
“Indeed, and such traditions are important,” agreed Jet. “However, I’ve heard rumors of tension sparking with other divisions. Apparently, they view the royal guard as out-of-date and lacking in more modern training practices.” Some divisions like mine, for instance, Jet thought.
Moonlight puttered her lips. “It’s easy to say that in times of peace. And, not that I’m hoping anything bad happens, but if it does, I’d like to see what they say about us after the Canterlot royal guard handles a real foe,” she boasted. “Right, Thomas? …Thomas? Why aren’t you saying anything?”
Even facing forward, the human averted his gaze as the tall mare bore down upon him. Her breath was hot as it pelted his back, smelling vaguely of pancakes.
“Thomas, what aren’t you telling me?”
“Is this an Oracle matter?” inquired Jet.
“… yes.”
“Classified?”
“Uh, not really. You already know some of the attacks coming, and I told the rest to Luna. It’s just the guards that, um… How do I put this?” Thomas asked himself. “Well, no point in sugarcoating it. The royal guard is kind of a joke for how often they’re basically swept aside by whatever bad guys decide to show up and ruin everyone’s day.”
Moonlight blinked, dumbfounded. “You can’t be serious.”
“As serious as the world turning into an abstract painting, or an invasion of bug monsters that feed on emotion.”
Jet also blinked. “To be clear, you’ve already warned the Princesses about these incidents, yes?”
“Yeah, they know, and they said they’re prepping for that and more,” Thomas confirmed. “I mentioned that it seems like a lot of old foes are coming out of the woodwork, and Luna said they’ve got special squads running—” Thomas cut himself short after taking a closer look at Jet. “Okay, now we’re getting into the classified stuff.”
“My apologies,” Jet said with a bow.
“Long story short, bad guys come in, trample stuff, and make the guards look like a joke before a certain six mares swoop in to save the day, except for those few times when they don’t,” he suggestively added. It seemed unlikely that Jet was a changeling in disguise, but it was probably wise not to divulge everything. Besides, he hadn’t lied, so he hoped she’d get the point and dropped the issue.
Jet nodded. “Understood. Onto a different matter, if you’ll permit me, might I ask how you’re faring?” she asked while glancing down at Moonlight’s open top.
Thomas had been resting comfortably in Moonlight’s low-cut white shirt since they’d left Luna’s room that morning, the unicorn’s boobs snugly holding the shrunken man in place, thanks to the bra. The mare’s mammaries enveloped everything below his armpits, leaving his arms to rest comfortably on either mound as his hands casually studied her fur’s texture from this new perspective. Since it seemed like too much trouble to make a new loincloth for his size, and because Moonlight had pleaded, Thomas acquiesced at the suggestion to go naked, with nothing but a pair of giant orange boobs to shield his shameless shlong.
At least Thomas didn’t have a boner right now. Moonlight had given him her usual morning oral service, both to maintain a sense of normalcy, and because she was a horny minx. It had been awkward figuring things out, even if the mare’s soft lips enveloping much of the man’s front felt rather nice for both parties. Ultimately, they made it work before the mare donned a glamour Luna had custom-ordered for this precise circumstance. Essentially, in addition to changing the user’s outward appearance, it created audio illusions whenever Moonlight spoke to or acknowledged Thomas, ensuring that everything about him went unnoticed. Only those already aware of the human’s presence could see through the deception, which was necessary for Jet’s duty.
“I’m doing well,” Thomas replied while idly tapping his hands atop the boob bongos. “As well as I can under the circumstances. Though, I’ve gotta ask. I don’t know much about magic, but the way Luna described the glamour made it sound a lot trickier than what we usually do. Is it normal to get something like that made so quickly, or am I overthinking things?”
“I’d assumed the artisans just reused the template from when Celestia played with size,” Moonlight offered.
Thomas blinked. “Okay, thinking about it, that makes sense. Hmm, makes you wonder if whenever her concubines are doing stuff outside her room, they’re really just being secret exhibitionists.”
“Now I suspect you are overthinking things,” Jet politely chided.
“Maybe, but the possibility exists,” Thomas countered. “If Celestia does this stuff enough that they kept the template to save time, who knows what else those guys might be doing without anyone suspecting a thing. They could be hiding tiny people on their bodies, wearing outfits that even ponies would call inappropriate, or literally anything else. On that note, what would a pony-inappropriate outfit look like?”
“A tutu at a funeral?” Jet suggested.
“No, I mean—never mind.” Even if no one else could hear, asking about fetish stuff in this less-than-private hall was too embarrassing for the shrunken naked man being held between an anthro unicorn’s tits… Jesus, my life is weird! Speaking of which, he used his arms on the boobs to twist his body into a more comfortable position, causing Moonlight to softly squeak. “Sorry.”
“No, it’s fine. I’m getting used to it,” Moonlight mused with a faint blush.
“Me too, and that’s what scares me,” Thomas admitted. “Once we get used to this as normal, won’t we eventually have to try more wild things to feel the same excitement?”
“Well, if you’re so worried, maybe we can change things up for variety, but I don’t see why we’d need to get more wild if we don’t want to,” Moonlight offered.
“This might be a human thing, but I read that it’s dangerous to indulge in extremes too much because, like I said, you eventually get bored and have to keep escalating to get the same thrill.” Recalling another troubling detail he’d heard but never verified, Thomas pursed his lips. “That’s also a problem with being a porn star. You get so used to super wild stuff that regular intercourse just doesn’t do it for you anymore.”
Rather than briefly glancing, Moonlight pulled her head back to stare as fully as she could at her booby passenger. The position was awkward and slightly painful, so she had to turn her snoot to the side for a better look at the concerning creature. “That sounds dangerous. Have we been putting you at risk this whole time? Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Well, for one thing, you girls are hot, and it’s a lot of fun doing it with you,” Thomas replied, turning a nonchalant smirk up at the bemused unicorn. “For another, this is probably different. Porn stars just do it with coworkers, but you guys are my friends and… girlfriends? Friends-with-benefits kind of has a stigma to it, so I’m not too sure what you’d call this,” he explained while gesturing vaguely at the breasts stretching out before him like massive marshmallows.
“What kind of stigma could friends-with-benefits have?” Moonlight inquired, somewhat impatient at her stallion’s usual evasiveness after such a troubling revelation. “And what do you mean by benefits?”
“The human context is people who have sex, but aren’t in a committed relationship. They hang out just to screw like some friends hang out just to talk sports or whatever. It’s nothing personal, but that’s not how I view you guys,” Thomas explained, having difficulty translating his jumbled feelings and thoughts into words. “Hmm, ponies are naturally polyamorous, right? Like, it’s not just a cultural thing? You’ve got a natural inclination to be this way, and there’s, like, scientific literature for why this is the best way for you to be?”
Moonlight nodded as she thought back to her experiences in Thomas’ dreams. “Yes. Ponies have always formed families in herds, and there’s no set limit on the number of members as with humans. There’s also plenty of literature for why we’ve been this way since before the Wendigoes, and we get the occasional activist group championing the sanctity of the institution.”
Thomas nodded back, still looking up. “Well, humans are naturally monogamous… sort of. We still have the instinct to—” he paused to rethink. “Well, males have the compulsion to mate with as many females as we can, but pretty much every culture on the planet has agreed for the last few thousand years that one husband to one wife should be the standard, with only the super-rich being the exception.”
“You have conflicting instincts?” Jet observed.
“Like you wouldn’t believe,” Thomas agreed with a morbid chuckle, turning his head the other way to include the bat mare in the discussion. “The point is I have no idea what the hell I’m doing or if there’ll be any problems later on. Everything’s got unintended consequences if you think about it, but I don’t know if I’m at any kind of extreme that might be a risk later.”
Moonlight glanced briefly at Jet. Asking her to simply step back so she could have some privacy with Thomas would be pointless, as they’d need to be in separate rooms to escape the bat mare’s hearing. This seemed like too important of a conversation to include a pony who was only this close because of an obligation, and not genuine closeness. Besides, the others would probably want to be in on this, too, so she really ought to wait until they’d gathered back in Luna’s chamber. However, feeling the need to say something now, Moonlight decided to simply go for it. So, she tapped the glamour to amplify its censorship, hurried along until she found a suitably secluded spot, and gestured for Jet to take a few courteous steps back for Thomas’ sake before unloading.
“I like having sex with you. I don’t want you to feel pressured, but that’s the truth. I love sitting together, talking about whatever, and doing just anything, really,” Moonlight began. “That’s what it means when a mare says a stallion is her stallion. She’s met a guy who she enjoys being with for a bunch of reasons, and she wants to keep being with him forever. And, because it’s relevant, one of those reasons is sex. You don’t talk enough about your feelings as you probably ought to, so I’ll lead by example and say that I’m comfortable enough in our relationship to say that Luna is better at sex than you.”
Thomas snorted in surprise, cracking his grim expression. “Okay, not where I was expecting that to go, but yeah. I can see that,” he allowed.
“However, if given a choice, I’d still rather wake up with you in my bed,” Moonlight continued, noting how Jet turned away some snoopers before they got too close. “I love you, Thomas. I love having sex with you, but if having sex is hurting you in any way, then I’m prepared to live without it.”
“Hey, wo-wo-wo! Let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” Thomas countered. “I only said that too much sex or this extreme”— he gestured at himself—“stuff might be risky. I can’t think of a serious scientific study that’s ever said waking up with your arms wrapped around the woman you love is a bad thing. If anything, having lots of sex with your lover is great for a healthy relationship. It’s just the polygamy stuff where things get a little gray, and the magic stuff is a definite unknown, but the rest, I totally agree. I love it when we just sit and talk about nothing. I love that you listen, and I love how easy it is for me to listen to you. And it’s the same with the others. I love it when we sit together, and you girls just have to scoot right up against me,” he admitted, wondering when was the last time he’d said ‘love’ this much, and if it sounded forceful or insincere.
Moonlight softly chuckled and brought a finger to poke Thomas’ cheek, marveling at the difference in size. “We can’t help it. Your skin just feels so good against our fur.”
Thomas smiled and leaned into the finger, trying to push it back with only his head. “So, I guess we’re on the same page then. We love having sex with each other, but there’s definitely more to our relationship.”
“Without question.”
“Cool. But, if I’m being honest, if the doctor ever says I’ve got to go celibate, I’m probably gonna look for a new doctor.”
“Because Luna would strip him of all credentials and kick him out of the castle, possibly literally,” Moonlight stated.
Thomas chuckled, only to notice that Moonlight was dead serious, which was even funnier. “Well, I was gonna say until I found a doctor who told me what I wanted to hear, but I guess the principle is the same. On that note, I guess I’m still figuring out my feelings for everyone and how it translates to the human experience.”
“Why translate at all, though?” At Thomas’ puzzled face, Moonlight elaborated. “Well, it’d be like when humans first invented the airplane. Humans had never flown before, so it was a whole new experience. Maybe going fast on something like a train was similar, but it’s entirely something else to be so high. There’s no perfect translation, so you just have to take it as something new and different.”
“Using other things as references, but not absolutes,” Thomas added, continuing the idea as donning realization eased his anxiety.
Moonlight beamed smugly. “Do I know my stallion, or what?”
Thomas glared at the mare in accusatory amusement. “If I were big, I’d give you such a pinch for that.”
Tittering, Moonlight popped her lips and blew a gust of hot air that ruffled the human’s hair. “Nothing’s stopping you, little one.” Then she blinked. “Oh, that’s an unexpected reaction.”
Confused, Thomas shifted a little and realized he’d gotten hard. “Uh… yeah, unexpected is a word for it,” he pondered, staring at his curious erection through the cleavage’s density. “I didn’t think I got off on being teased, but did that change?”
Moonlight resumed grinning and suggested, “Maybe you’re just happy to be with me like usual.” At Thomas’ ‘seriously?’ expression, she elaborated, “You said you loved simply talking with me. Maybe that’s one of your triggers?”
“Or this might be an adverse effect from the shrinking accident,” Jet interjected as she approached. “Don’t worry. I was humming old folk songs to tune out most of it, but that last bit caught my attention.”
“Thank you for at least trying to give us some privacy,” Moonlight replied with a gracious nod before returning her attention to Thomas. “Are you feeling alright? Do you want the doctor to have a quick look?”
Staring straight ahead, Thomas pursed his lips as he pondered his predicament. Internally, everything felt fine. The thin layer of fur was pleasant against his bare skin, everything below his armpits was comfortably warm, and the room temperature of everything above was so mild that it wasn’t worth noticing. “Uh, I don’t think so. Everything feels as normal as can be.” He then looked back up at the giant pony face looming overhead and added, “All things considered.”
Moonlight narrowed her eyes in accusation. “You say that, and I know you don’t like making trouble for others, but this is serious. If there’s anything—ANYTHING—the matter, you have to let somepony know, got it?”
Thomas nodded. “Yeah, I get it, and I’ll say something. But right now, my legs aren’t even asleep or anything. This is—I don’t want to say bland because you have some mighty fine teats,” he assured with a smile. “But this might be the least exciting ride in someone’s boobs I’ve ever had… and I just realized that this has happened to me enough that I can actually say that,” Thomas said, staring blankly into space. “I’m torn.”
“Is something hurting you?” Jet inquired.
“No. I’m torn on what to say. Do I say, ‘What even is my life right now?’ Or do I go with the obvious answer of ‘This is the best possible timeline’? Both fit.”
Jet was likewise torn between disappointment, annoyance, and mild amusement at the human’s remark.
“Ya know what? I’m hungry,” Thomas declared.
“I suppose a snack wouldn’t hurt,” Moonlight agreed. “Any cravings?”
“You know what I haven’t had in forever? A quesadilla,” Thomas said in longing.
“A what?”
“A quesadilla. Ya know, it’s a tortilla filled with melted cheese, meat, and sometimes vegetables.” Thomas explained, his confusion as evident as both mares’ expressions. “You’ve never had a quesadilla?”
“Perhaps we should put a special order in with the kitchens. They might know,” Moonlight suggested.
So, they did just that. Thomas needed to go to great lengths to explain the finer details while the cooks puzzled over Moonlight’s awkwardly long pauses as she passed along the invisible man’s words. In the end, the guard mares and their hidden charge were asked to stand off to the side while the cooks whipped something up, intrigued by the challenge of a foreign recipe.
“They really don’t know what a quesadilla is,” Thomas realized.
“Is that so surprising?” Moonlight asked. “You probably have lots of foods that no pony in Equestria has ever heard of.”
Thomas smiled flatly as he weighed his options, but ultimately decided to spill. “This is an oracle thing, but super minor,” he clarified upon feeling Moonlight tense and seeing Jet looking ready for a fight. “Like, it doesn’t impact anything on a level that would even be noticeable, or at least, it shouldn’t, but my vision says that Twilight Sparkle is afraid of quesadillas.”
The mares blinked and exchanged silent looks.
“What is scary about a quesadilla?” Jet asked.
“All I know is she shivered when she said how cheesy they are,” Thomas recounted, omitting the parts about Pinkie’s stalker files and how this admission came post-alicorn ascension. “It’s kind of just a joke that only comes up once and—” He stopped at recalling Jet didn’t know the finer details of his vision. “Well, the point is that if quesadillas don’t exist, then I might be responsible for introducing something that potentially somehow traumatizes Twilight in the future.”
“And you’re sure this is just a food?” Jet pressed, puzzling over how this could happen as the cooks continued working and ignoring the bystanders. “Your accuracy rating is not perfect, but it is reasonably high, so we should err on the side of caution and assume it is so. Have you informed Twilight Sparkle of this issue?”
Thomas shook his head. “No. Like I said, it’s so minor that I only just now thought about it.”
After seeing the cooks throw something in the oven, Jet added, “The cuisine is already underway, so I recommend discussing matters with the Princesses and warning Twilight Sparkle before things go beyond this room.”
“Already planning to do that,” Thomas agreed with a nod, slightly annoyed at her implication that he hadn’t automatically reached the same conclusion.
“Although, now I’m a little excited. Is melted cheese on bread really worth all this fuss?” Moonlight asked as her stomach rumbled.
“Okay, I felt that one,” Thomas noted with a laugh as his stomach took its cue to also grumble. “Man, I hope they didn’t burn it or anything.”
Then, as if on cue once more, a timer tinged, and a cook pulled the pan out of the oven. A stallion in the chef’s hat folded and cut the bread as Thomas had described through Moonlight before handing the orange mare the plate. It was exactly as the human recalled: a half-circle of flat and flakey bread. The unicorn pinched it between her fingers for examination, wary as though she feared it might explode, yet it looked perfectly ordinary. Even Jet couldn’t detect anything suspicious as Moonlight pried the confection apart to reveal simple meat, cheese, and a few vegetables. Finally, after deciding the thing wouldn’t spontaneously combust, Moonlight broke off one of the thicker and cheesier portions and brought it above her bust line.
Thomas eyed the chunk that looked nothing like a proper quesadilla. Moonlight had done her best, but she’d only squished together a tiny bit of bread and meat dripping with cheese in the tiny portion, and even that looked too big for the shrunken human. However, the smell was familiar, so the already hungry young man reached out with both arms. The meat was hot to the touch, but not enough to burn as he pulled it from Moonlight’s fingers. He then bit into the cheesiest area and let the blended flavors wash across his tongue. Moaning in delight, the human hugged the meat like a long-lost friend, only slightly annoyed with the cheese dribbling down his arms.
Watching the human sate his newfound gluttony with such glee, it wasn’t long before the mares surrendered to their curiosity. Moonlight gave Jet a whole slice before taking one for herself, which they carefully bit into while minding the heat. One bite became two, and before long, the mares’ respective slices had been purged from the world.
“Well, how was it?” asked the cook while everyone involved in the project attentively awaited the verdict.
“If I may speak, I’d say your performance was satisfactory,” Jet interjected while the others ate. “However, I ask that you refrain from recreating this recipe until notified otherwise. We wouldn’t want any unexpected consequences, would we?” she asked, her tone nakedly threatening.
Getting the picture, the cooks nodded and resumed their prior work, but not before expressing their interest in trying more new recipes. Thusly, the duo plus one departed, armed with the newfound duty to save the country’s savior from a potential cheese-related trauma that one of them had knowingly brought into the world.