Horse People Go Naked
Chapter 153: Chapter 152: Carin’ at the Grocery Store
Previous Chapter Next Chapter“So, this is pretty fun,” Surprise commented as she pushed the grocery cart through the store’s aisles and intermittently stopped to investigate various items.
Thomas stared in wonder at the variety of foods displayed on the tall shelves. It all seemed so familiar, yet just different enough to be distinctly other worldly. Canned and boxed food with mascot brands, every size one could imagine, beige floors and walls beneath humming lights, and all so passably organized by workers who were probably paid minimum wage to do a job they barely cared about. Well, that last part may have been in Thomas’ head, but the rest was perfectly in keeping with his vision of a standard grocery store. “Ya know, I used to work in a place like this,” he commented as he followed beside the white mare.
“Ya don’t say.”
“I do. I worked at the deli. We made sandwiches, sliced meat, and—”
“Did you cut the cheese?” Surprise interjected.
Thomas smiled up at the mare. “I could almost feel that coming.”
“Hehe, yeah. I guess it was pretty low-hanging fruit, huh?”
“Yup. Also, the answer is obviously yes. I’m not sure there’s any way we could’ve gotten around it. I mean, like it or not, the cheese needs to be cut sooner or later.”
“Wait, are you talking about literal cheese or the other thing?”
Thomas stared blankly at Surprise and gave his flattest reply. “Yes.”
Surprise snickered. “Okay, now I could sense that coming. Hehe. I think it’s a good sign when friends can anticipate each other’s humor.”
“I guess, but when you put it like that, it sounds like we’re getting predictable. That doesn’t seem ideal.”
“Eh, depends on how you look at it.” Surprise stopped to examine a box of pasta with a smiling noodle on the front. “We’ve all got stuff about us that’s pretty predictable. Ponies are creatures of habit, and I’m pretty sure humans are, too.”
“No argument.”
“But I think there’s a difference between content and boring. Honestly, I don’t think anypony’s ever called me boring before.”
“Yeah, I can see that.”
“However, they can always predict that I’ll do whatever I can to lift any downed spirits. That’s just who I am and what I like to do.”
“Okay, I’ve been thinking this ever since we met, but you remind me so much of Pinkie Pie.”
“Aww, that’s sweet.”
“It’s actually a little concerning. See, in that one story I told our boss”—Thomas began, his deliberate obscurity alerting Surprise to his meaning—“stories go through a lot of rewrites before they’re published. Story elements are added, come in conflict with others, and are thrown out all the time. Also, characters are redesigned. The writers had a bunch of character models on standby to use, so when they came up with the Elements, their initial plan for Laughter was a pegasus named Surprise.”
Surprise’s contented smile morphed to concerned curiosity. “So, was I supposed to be an Element?”
“That depends. Were you there at the Summer Sun Celebration?”
“Not really. When word of the Princess’ disappearance spread, reserves like me were activated all over the country to start the search. Although, my team wasn’t anywhere near Ponyville.”
Thomas pursed his lips. “Then I guess not. I’m probably just making a big deal out of—”
“Wait!” Surprise cut in. “I just remembered. It was a few days earlier; they were asking for volunteers to head to the town for extra security. I was gonna sign up, but then I caught a nasty cold. It went away pretty quick, just in time for the emergency. But, if that hadn’t happened, I guess I could have been in Ponyville.” She turned a serious look on Thomas. “What are you thinking?”
“I’m thinking about a story I read that was never finished. (1) It was about how destiny sometimes makes backups for certain roles. Like, if the original fails for whatever reason, someone still has to do the job, so the backup does it.” Thomas mirrored Surprise’s concern. “Is that a thing, or am I talking out of my ass?” He hoped for the latter.
“Honestly, that sounds like it could be a thing,” Surprise acknowledged with a morbid laugh. “I mean, I’ve never heard of destiny having backups. That almost sounds like something out of the old, pre-Equestrian stories.” Realizing she still held the box of pasta, she set it back on the shelf. “So, I could have been an Element Bearer?”
“Maybe. I mean, if you’d gone to Ponyville, met Twilight, and—wait, what about Luna?” Thomas realized. “Isn’t being with her, like, your secondary destiny?”
Surprise’s eyes went wide. “Oh, you’re right. The Element Bearers all live in Ponyville to keep in synch or something, but I have to stay in Canterlot to stay close to my favorite ponies,” she emphasized, exhaling in relief. “Phew! I was getting scared for a second.”
“Yeah, me too. I was worried I’d just stumbled on some crazy conspiracy, but you’re right. Twilight needs all her friends close by so they can do… things. That wouldn’t work so well long distance. So, it’s all just a really weird coincidence that story writers used your likeness.”
“Yeah, but that is pretty weird, though. I mean, what if they’d stuck with me? Would that have made me the Element Bearer?”
“I have no freaking idea,” Thomas admitted. “That kind of writing is a group effort. Everyone pitches random ideas, and then they decide what works best. Originally, Nightmare Moon was supposed to be a season-long arc, but they changed it to a two-part series premiere. There’s too much alike for it just to be a coincidence, but I don’t know what else it could be. Did this random group of writers spontaneously connect to this world, but saw it through a filter that obscured everything, so it’s only similar, but not identical?”
Surprise blinked. “You’ve been thinking about this a lot, huh?”
“A little. I’m also pulling from a bunch of other stories I’ve seen to make a semi-cohesive theory.”
“Perhaps it would be better to save such speculations for elsewhere,” Jet informed. She followed the pair seemingly in the nude to avoid attracting attention, but secretly wore a glamour to conceal her armor. She also carried a small shopping bag with only a few items. It was light enough that she could drop it in an emergency, but the items were hard enough to make an adequate bludgeon if need be.
“Oops, my bad,” Surprise admitted with a friendly wave to the guard. “Though, I’d like to hear what you think, too. This idea is a little freaky, but also kind of fun.”
“Thank you for the offer. However, I’m not the imaginative sort. I wouldn’t know where to start,” Jet dissuaded. Although, she swore she could practically hear Firestorm’s pen scratching away. That demented fart ate up each and every ludicrous idea that dribbled from the alien’s mouth. Worse was how many of these ideas turned out at least partially based in reality.
Surprise faced Thomas as they turned down the next aisle. “So, if you could be an Element Bearer, which would you choose?” She then looked out the corner of her eye, almost daring Jet to silence her.
Thomas hummed as he eyed the shelves, mostly filled with cookies and other sweets. “I’m not sure. I’m pretty stingy and frugal, so generosity is out. Why are we shopping for groceries when we can order whatever we want for free from room service?”
“Because, silly, this is a thing that mares and stallions do together. You buy food so you can prepare and eat it together. It’s more meaningful that way.”
“Well, can’t argue with that,” Thomas conceded. “So, did you have anything special in mind?”
“Ah-ah, we’re still on the Elements,” Surprise corrected. “Personally, I think you’d be a good honesty or loyalty.”
“I self-censor all the time because I’m worried people might take what I say the wrong way. And I don’t think my loyalty’s ever been tested, so it’s hard to say if I’d be good there or not.”
“Hmm, well, I think loyalty would be good for you. Remember when Honey and I first applied? You were pretty nervous about even touching us. I remember you were constantly checking with Moonlight or Luna to make sure it was okay and you weren’t making them feel like you were putting them aside for us.”
“I think that’s more foreign norms than loyalty, though. I just didn’t want to do something that might upset somebody, whether you or them.”
Surprise frowned. “You’re making it really hard to compliment you.”
“Yeah, I can be an annoying little prick when I want to,” Thomas evenly replied, prompting Surprise to snort a laugh.
“Hey, I thought we already agreed I’m Laughter. Don’t try taking my Element from me.”
“Well, maybe you’re the real loyalty.”
“Huh?”
“Think about it. You’re with the reserves, which are basically soldiers, and loyalty is one of a soldier’s most important traits. When you thought you had a chance to have power and fame from the Elements, you were torn by your loyalty to your friends and were relieved when you could stay with them. Also, making it your personal mission to lift everyone’s mood is a pretty loyal trait when you think about it.”
Surprise blinked. “Wait, so, I’m the Rainbow Dash of our group?”
“But with extra cushion to soften landings.”
A wide grin spread across the white mare’s face. “Me likey.”
Jet listened impassively as she followed along, ears ever at attention and eyes peeled for anything suspicious. She caught Surprise’s ears also pivoting to an excessive degree, showing that she was just as alert to any potential risks. The white mare would definitely be a worthy ally if trouble arose, but Jet liked her for other reasons. She had a friendly, almost magnetic personality that was difficult not to appreciate. However, that was just her social face. Jet had read enough of the big mare’s body language to see the warrior’s spirit beneath the unassuming visage. It was a masterful disguise that the bat mare’s peers would praise, not least because it wasn’t a façade. The mare was naturally warm and friendly, and all of her bubbly interactions were genuine. No one would suspect she was anything more than a friendly do-gooder unless they knew what to look for. As she thought this, Jet also feared that Firestorm might somehow hear her thoughts and later chastise her for not being so fluffy in public. She didn’t think Firestorm could read minds without expensive equipment, but if he could, he’d probably do that just to mess with her.
“Anyway, I wanted to hear more about this Karen meme thing you mentioned earlier,” Surprise continued. “So, what’s the deal? Are they just mean ladies with bugs up their collective butts? And why is there a Karen hairstyle?”
Thomas shrugged as he watched the white mare fill the cart with baking supplies. “Hard to say. I think a meme just means an idea that’s passed around, so it’s pretty broad and can mean just about anything. With the internet, it’s kinda whatever some random person mentions that takes off in popularity. I don’t know how this one started, but a Karen is generally a super entitled person who feels the need to make strangers conform to his or her petty demands.”
“His?”
“Yeah, there are male Karens. It’s basically anyone who’s incapable of just minding their own business and goes outside looking to cause trouble. Like, I remember this one story of a guy just sitting by himself and reading a manga in a library. A Karen walked up and demanded he stop because the country that produces manga did a bunch of bad stuff to her country decades ago, and probably before she was even born. When the guy says he’s also from her country, she just starts shrieking that he’s a traitor and blah-blah-blah. She was told to leave for shouting in the library, and that’s kind of a standard formula for a Karen story.”
Surprise’s face twisted in a mix of confusion and disgust. “What was even the point of that? What did she get out of bothering some stranger over quietly reading?”
Thomas shook his head. “Some people get satisfaction from making others smile. Others get it from making them frown. That’s just how some people are.”
“But… why? What did she have to gain from making a stranger feel bad about reading something?”
“Well, if she got him to leave the building, she thinks she can count it as a win. She just imposed her authority and got a lesser lifeform to leave her presence.”
“It sounds as though humans may be polite to a fault,” Jet observed. “If a mare tried acting like that in my old neighborhood, she might make the local dentist very happy.” Her threatening implication was clear.
“Same,” agreed Surprise. “Or, no pony would ever play with her, and she’d be all alone until she changed her attitude.”
“Karens are also notorious for playing the victim. They might attack you while screaming that you’re attacking them. One famous case called the police on a black guy just for walking in her proximity at a park. Somebody filmed him just standing there looking confused while she was being all dramatic over the phone.” Then Thomas remembered who he was talking to. “Humans have skin color instead of tribe, so Karens also tend to be pretty bigoted.”
“Let me see if I have this correct,” Jet began. “The Karen phenomenon is common enough that there are observable common themes in their behaviors, and your society allows such anti-social behavior to fester?”
“Fester is a good word for it, yes,” Thomas agreed.
Jet and Surprise shared a look, both seemingly aghast that the human was so accepting and unoffended.
“I think I heard stuff like this is a symptom of people having it too easy. See, we evolved to live in a harsh environment, which we did for 99% of our history. However, the last few decades have been freakishly easy compared to what came before. Sure, there are still problems, often global, but external hardships are at an all-time low. Some people can’t cope with this and make trouble where there isn’t any. Others grew up super sheltered, so they never learned how to deal with real problems and go all to pieces if anything bad happens. Then there are people who make careers about lecturing others to deal with these self-made problems, and you look kinda dizzy.”
“I feel dizzy,” Surprise admitted as she stopped to steady herself while gripping her forehead. “Why do humans make so many problems for themselves?”
Thomas lightly chuckled as he affectionately patted Surprise’s hip. “It might be as I said. We’re not designed to live in such comfort, so some people feel compelled to ruin things to feel more at home like things were centuries ago. It’s a paradox, and lots of people make lots of money just studying it and giving their theories.”
“But you’re not like that,” Surprise countered, her tone imploring.
Thomas shrugged. “I’m an introvert with possible autism. I like to think before I speak, so I don’t rock the boat. My life is pretty good right now, and I’d rather not do anything to lose that.”
“Would humanity be improved if more humans were like you?” Jet inquired.
Thomas snickered and shook his head. “Not even close. If I weren’t surrounded by extroverts, I’d barely talk at all. In my old life, even when I found someone I could talk with, I always felt anxious about asking them to do stuff outside our usual meetings. I used to have a friend I liked hanging out with at school. I almost never called her because I was worried I might interrupt something.”
“How is that an issue?” Jet asked. “If you were truly friends, she’d just ask you to contact her later.”
“Yeah, but being an introvert can be a real pain in the plot,” Surprise countered, now with her hand on Thomas’ shoulder. “You’re comfortable by yourself, but you also wish somepony would invite you to be with them, right?”
Thomas nodded.
“That’s not an issue in Equestria. Here, I think the extrovert to introvert ratio is, like, five to one. We’ve got introverts, but us extroverts like to spend our time hunting them down, so they don’t have time to feel lonely,” Surprise boasted, pushing out her chest in pride.
“And that’s why you’d make a great Laughter or Loyalty,” Thomas replied as he covered his hand over hers. “It seems like ponies are just naturally more friendly.”
“A sweet but misguided sentiment,” Jet interjected. “Ponies still have the capacity for criminality and general dickishness—assuming I’m using that correctly.”
“No, that sounds right,” Thomas confirmed. “Even so, it seems a lot less than humans.”
Jet tried not to show how much this pleased her. “Perhaps. Although, we’ll never know for certain without further contact between our species.” Alicorns, forbid, she thought.
“Talon hopes to go to the human world so she can have a harem of dudes,” Thomas remarked.
“Oh, that’s a good idea,” Surprise chirped, finally resuming their walk. “Hmm, although, if humans really have so many more introverts, then I’m gonna have to get with some buddies to make more organized hunting parties. No pony is allowed to be lonely on Surprise’s watch!” she boldly declared while raising her fist in the air.
“Or you could just post something online.”
“Huh…?”
“Yeah, online dating is super popular. I don’t know if it’s effective in forming lasting relationships, but if people found out they could date a bunch of super sexy pony people who like to go naked, that site would blow up.”
Surprise frowned. “If it blows up, how does that help?”
“No, blowing up, in this case, means getting a lot of views. Like, the popularity gets so big it explodes.”
“Ah, I get it.” Surprise giggled. “You’ve got a funny way of talking. I like it.”
‘Funny’ wasn’t the word Jet would use. Likewise, she was less enthusiastic about the prospect of mass interspecies dating. She’d never thought about it before, as Equestria was largely homogenous, with less than a percent of the population being a non-pony. However, while she still didn’t fully grasp concepts like the internet, she understood enough to conclude that a stable portal between the worlds would lead to drastic changes almost overnight. Even if good things came out of it, such as mutually beneficial trade deals, friction between the species would invariably lead to problems that ponies like her would have to clean up. Thusly, in Jet’s mind, the best approach was simply to prevent such a mess from ever forming. While her superiors debated the merits of such a large-scale interaction, Jet firmly believed that a single human was preferable to millions.
However, Jet’s internal musings were cut short when she sensed hoof steps approaching from behind. She turned to face the green unicorn mare, but was cut off before she could speak.
“Yes, hello. I’ve been trying to get your attention for half an hour. It’s very rude to ignore somepony like that.”
No fucking way, Thomas thought as he stared at the new mare. Her fur was green, her purple mane was done up in a poof that vaguely resembled a beehive, and her lip was curled up as though she’d detected an offensive smell. There’s just no way.
“I’m sorry, ma’am. I didn’t realize you were following me before I came into the store,” Jet politely replied.
“Whatever.” The green mare pulled a slip of paper from a purse that looked like a kid went nuts with the bedazzler. “I have a list right here,” she said while holding out the list, annoyed by Jet’s lack of response. “Well?”
“Well, what?”
“Aren’t you going to help me?” demanded the green mare in a voice like nails on a chalkboard. “You’re clearly not helping those two, so you might as well do your job and help me.”
“Sweet fuck…” Thomas said in muted awe. Then, at Surprise’s confusion, he elaborated in a whisper, “I think that’s a Karen.”
Jet felt like she’d just taken a slap to the face. They’d just established multiple ways that ponies were superior to humans, and then this waste of space had the audacity to counter everything with her mere existence. Wait, no. Thomas had to be mistaken. Ponies had problems, but not human problems. Ponies didn’t act like entitled brats who needlessly imposed their wills on hapless pedestrians… often. There had to be a way to peacefully resolve this without denigrating the species. “I’m sorry, miss, but I don’t work here.”
“Of course, you do,” groused the green mare, a mixture of absolute offense and indignation dripping from her every word. “You’re wearing that cheap necklace just like all the other employees,” she said while gesturing to the modestly expensive silver chain that housed Jet’s glamour.
“Are you sure?” Surprise whispered back to Thomas.
“It’s like it’s word for word.”
Jet’s heart sank, but she did not lose hope. “Ma’am, the employees all wear black aprons and have name tags. I don’t have either, so…” She trailed off, praying the mare would take the hint, realize her mistake, apologize, and walk away like a sensible pony.
“Say, you’re right,” commented the green mare.
Jet dared to let her spirits lift.
“How dare you walk around with an incomplete uniform,” she hissed. “I’m going—”
“To tell your manager,” Thomas interjected, his words overlapping hers and causing her eyes to fall upon him. Now he’d done it. He’d drawn a Karen’s attention while she was in the process of building a tirade and had doomed himself to be the focus of her wrath. Now that it was happening to him, Thomas’ expression was neutral as only one thought played out in his head. Bring it, bitch!
“You! How dare you speak to me that way. Ma’am, you need to control your colt.”
“I’d like to, really,” Surprise said with a shrug. “But then he starts spanking me, and it’s all downhill from there.”
Thomas stared intently at Surprise as he tried to share his thoughts telepathically. Hell yeah!
“What!? Are you some kind of deviant? I’ll report you to foal services!”
“Nice try, miss, but I’m a grown-assed man. I don’t think they can do much.”
“What?” The green mare took a closer look at Thomas, her face still scrunched in perpetual disgust. “Oh, I see. So the degenerate is dating a deformed dwarf. How fitting.”
Surprise gave the cart to Thomas, and bodily turned to face the enemy. “Wanna say that again?” she asked while wearing the brightest smile, bristling her fur in agitation, and cracking her knuckles. It was an expression that gave Jet chills just for being in its general direction. However, the Karen mare seemed utterly immune, or perhaps oblivious would be better.
“Peh. You’re only proving my point by resorting to violence in a place where civilized ponies come to shop. How’d you even get in here? Doesn’t this place have any standards?”
“Apparently not,” Thomas tried to retort, but his words stumbled over Jet’s as she spoke simultaneously. “They let you in here, so no.” The pair shared a look.
“And you,” the Karen mare turned her attention back on Jet. “Didn’t I tell you to get the manager?”
“No, but he did,” Jet said while gesturing at Thomas. “You see him, don’t you? He’s the one standing beside the mare who looks like she could teach you to fly with one punch.”
“How dare you speak that way to a paying customer? Do you have any idea who I am?”
“It’s like she’s reading from a script,” Thomas marveled at the uncanny display.
“I do not, and I think I was happier before you forced your existence into my life,” Jet deadpanned. “Please leave.”
The Karen mare seemed taken aback by Jet’s remark. “What kind of employee are you?”
“The kind who sympathizes with foals who learn too soon that fairies aren’t the ones who deliver presents on Hearth’s Warming.”
“Huh?”
“Lady, you killed her innocence,” Surprise answered while giving Jet apologetic eyes. She didn’t know what innocent notion the mare had taken from the guard, but she sympathized with her fellow wounded soul.
“I’m a foreigner, and even I caught that one,” Thomas added, somewhat honestly, but mostly to be an asshole and push the Karen mare’s buttons. He’d been low-key dreaming of this moment since he first learned about the meme and was keen on enjoying this experience.
“Foreigner?” the Karen mare whispered in the same predatory manner Silver might use upon discovering new Luna merchandise. “You. You’re not even a pony, are you?”
Thomas had the perfect line. He wanted to say, ‘Crap, she’s onto us.’ Or maybe he could go with asking, ‘Wait, am I not?’ and then pat himself down while pretending he’d transformed to really throw her for a loop. There were several lines that all seemed so fitting, but the mare cut him off before he could pick.
“Manager! Manager!” she shouted in the traditional mating call of the Karen. Then, wandering off, she continued screaming, “I need a manager.” Finally, she disappeared around an aisle.
While keeping her gaze where the mare disappeared, Surprise grabbed for Thomas and possessively pulled him to her side. “Was that really a Karen?”
Thomas nodded. “She even had the hair.”
“I propose we leave and deescalate the situation,” Jet stated. “There’s no need to stoop to her level and needlessly cause trouble.”
“But if we do, she’ll think she won and keep doing this to other ponies,” Surprise countered. “She’s got to know this kind of behavior is unacceptable.”
“She’s not our responsibility,” Jet argued. “Yours and Thomas’ safety is, along with the Princess’ reputation. What will ponies say if her concubines end up in a cell for starting brawls?”
“What? She started it,” Surprise insisted.
“If she provokes you to start the violence, she wins,” Thomas interjected. “Jet’s right. We can just leave and come back later.”
Jet nodded. “Thank you, but why do you sound disappointed?”
“Honestly, I was kinda having fun riling her up,” Thomas admitted as the mares gave him dirty looks. “What? She deserved it, and you wanted to hit her,” he said to Surprise.
“I wanted to teach her lesson cuz she insulted my stallion,” Surprise corrected. “Of course, I want to hit her. But Jet’s right. We can’t make trouble for the Princess. And you”—she pointed a finger in Thomas’ face—“shouldn’t upset a mare whose just acting out cuz she’s unhappy. At least, I hope that’s the reason.”
Thomas pursed his lips. “Yeah, you’re right. Let’s just go and—”
“There they are!” shrieked the Karen mare. She pointed triumphantly down the aisle as a pink earth stallion wearing a black apron stood behind her.
Thomas blinked as he faced the others. “Seriously, it’s freaky how much this fits the stories.”
As the incarnation of constipation marched with purpose down the aisle, and the assumed manager followed in confusion, Jet positioned herself between the concubines and potential threat while Surprise held tightly to Thomas. The human, meanwhile, couldn’t decide between dropping his jaw and bursting out in guffaws.
“That’s them, manager. That’s the employee who accosted me just for asking for help with my list. Then those two ganged up on me, and I’m pretty sure the little one is some kind of illegally imported furless ape or something. Arrest them.”
The manager’s name tag read Bean Sprout Billiard, and he stared in confusion between the three accused parties. “Which was the employee, again?”
“Ugh, obviously, the one who’s not in uniform.”
Surprise snorted a short laugh. “Sorry, sorry. It’s just… wow.”
“See, I told ya,” Thomas said in vindication.
“Ma’am, none of these ponies are in uniform,” Bean informed.
“Must I do everything myself?” snarled the Karen mare. “The bat pony without a name tag. See, she’s not even wearing a proper necklace thingy for her name tag. It’s just a piece of cheap costume jewelry,” she hatefully described.
Jet had no way to prove it, but she had no doubt that Firestorm was eating popcorn this very moment.
Bean stared at Jet with the same intensity usually reserved for complex puzzles. However, try as he might, he couldn’t solve this one. “Ma’am, what makes you think she’s an employee?”
“Well, I saw her helping those two, but she wasn’t doing much. So, I politely asked if she could help fetch a few things for me. Instead, she started shouting anti-unicorn slurs at me. So, I demand you fire and arrest her.”
“Okay, yeah, there’s definitely a script involved,” Thomas blurted.
“Shut up, monkey!”
“Talk to him like that again, ass. See what happens!” Surprise threatened.
“Now, now, let’s all calm down,” Bean gently urged as he interjected himself between the volatile mares. Whether he was bravely doing his duty or too tired to sense the danger was unclear. “Ma’am, none of these ponies work here.”
“What? How dare you try to cover for them!”
“Ma’am, I’m not covering for anypony,” Bean said with careful slowness. “I’m just telling you that—”
“And stop calling me ma’am,” the Karen mare barked with increasing volume. “I’m Caring Kelvin, Canterlot’s foremost domestic chef and president of the city’s most exclusive HOA.”
“You mentioned that before, right?” Surprise asked. Then, at Thomas’ nod, she added, “You’re right. This is scary.”
The possible connection between their worlds was enough of an existential headache for Jet. However, adding a potential new layer to the human’s Oracle abilities was a step too far. Even updating the paperwork for such a thing would be a nightmare, let alone the actual implications of the human having such predictive abilities.
“What’s a domestic chef, anyway?” Thomas whispered.
“I don’t know. She cooks for her family, maybe?” Surprise uncertainly offered.
“Hey! What are you two whispering about?” Caring asked, sounding like she was playing the bad cop in an interrogation. “I’ll have you know I can lock you both up with one word.”
“Weren’t you trying to do that anyway? So, what’s changed?” Surprise asked, noticing Thomas’ cheeky half-grin and Jet’s condemning scowl. She hung her head and said, “I’m sorry.”
“Not yet you’re not, but you will be,” Caring threatened, a devious grin splitting her face.
“Ms. Caring,” Bean cut in. “I’d like to ask them some questions.”
“Why? Are you a guard?”
“No, ma’am, but—”
“Then who cares! Just call the proper guards to have these criminals locked away in the deepest, darkest dungeon.”
“The fact you seem to think that’s possible makes me question the future of this nation,” Jet deadpanned as she pinched her silver chain necklace. “I’m done with this farce.”
“What? What are you—oh?”
Jet’s armor was revealed in a flash as the dark night colors heavily contrasted with the store’s bright beige. Her eyes said that she was in no mood. “Corporal Jet Black, Luna’s Night Guard. I’m here guarding these two”—she motioned to Thomas and Surprise—“from genuine threats, as well as aggravating troglodytes.” She leveled a gaze on the manager as her armor’s enchantment gave her eyes an intimidating yellow glow. “May we leave?”
Realizing he was way over his head, manager Bean grabbed Caring’s shoulders. “Y-yes, o-of course.”
“What? How dare you touch me! Let me go, this instant. I’ll have all your jobs for this!”
“Do as you will,” Jet allowed as she motioned for Thomas and Surprise to move ahead as they continued pushing the cart.
“Don’t tell me you buy this,” Caring spat at the manager. “They’re smuggling that monkey, I tell you!”
While Thomas was generally averse to conflict, given his present company, he felt emboldened to give this mare the bird. “Suck it.”
Caring blinked in annoyed confusion. “What’s that even mean?”
Bean closed his eyes and took a breath as though praying for strength. “Ma’am, context suggests he just insulted you.”
Whoa, definitely not a manager from Earth, Thomas thought, giddy as could be.
“What? And you’re just letting him get away?”
“E’yup,” Bean replied, demonstrating his heritage by lifting the mare clear over his while pinching her horn. “Now, hold still while I put you on the ban list.”
“How dare you! You haven’t heard the last of me!” she screamed as he carried her to the other end of the store.
“Chh, I’ll be we haven’t,” Surprise grumbled as she stared straight ahead. “I’m sure half the neighborhood heard her.”
“Hey, you okay?” Thomas asked, forgetting his amusement upon noticing Surprise’s twitching eye.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just bummed that she stole my good mood.”
Thomas put on a reassuring smile as he lifted his arm over the tall mare’s lower back. “For what it’s worth, you were pretty loyal back there.”
“That? That was nothing. I was just a mare protecting my stallion. Anypony would have done the same.”
Thomas decided not to dwell on the potential interpretations behind my stallion and just focus on what mattered. “I’m sorry you had to, though. I shouldn’t have egged her on.”
“No, you shouldn’t,” Surprise agreed. “Then again, you were right. Ponies like that want to be upset. You made it worse, but I don’t think anything would’ve made it better.”
“Maybe. Next time, we’ll know to walk away before the Karen calls the manager.”
“Stars above, I hope there isn’t a next time!” Surprise bemoaned.
Jet quietly agreed and marched on behind them, her shiny armor now attracting a lot of attention. However, so long as a potential threat persisted, she dared not reset the glamour. Her mood was just as foul as Surprise’s, but she was better at concealing it.
“Yeah, same, but is there something I can do to make it better?” Thomas pleaded. He hated the idea that the white bundle of warmth might be upset with him.
Detecting Thomas’ tone, Surprise exhaled and patted his shoulder. “We were both a little dumb back there. Let’s just agree not to make the same mistakes and call it even, okay?”
Thomas pursed his lips. “You still defended me.”
“Yeah, but that’s just what friends do.”
“I don’t,” Thomas coldly countered. “You guys always do stuff like this for me, but what do I give back?”
“Friendship isn’t a competition, Thomas. You can’t think about it like a trade.”
“Well, it’s hard not to when one side is obviously giving more than the other. Remember when I said I didn’t want to rock the boat because I liked my comfy life? Well, I’m rocking the boat. I’m rocking it cuz I hate feeling like I do nothing for you guys.”
“Well, if it makes you feel better, if we weren’t friends, I’d probably slap you silly for badmouthing my friend like that,” Surprise plainly stated as some of her chipper tone returned.
“Hmm?”
Surprise led them to a secluded area in the store for a more private talk. “Thomas, you’re a stallion. I know you’re not, but it’s hard not to see you that way sometimes. And, as a mare, it’s my obligation to protect stallions, especially the small and cute kind. If I didn’t stand up for you back there, I would probably feel as bad as you do right now. Every mare in the harem would. That’s just how ponies are. And unlike you, I’m not so reserved about doing what I want because I know I’ll regret it later if I don’t.”
Thomas’ lips twisted as he searched for the right words. “Yeah, and humans are the opposite.”
Surprise nodded. “Maybe, but is it really so bad to have a mare look after you? Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve been protected by plenty of tough stallions, so it’s no skin off my back if the roles are reversed.”
“It’s more than that, though,” Thomas insisted. “We didn’t need to be here because I get all the food I want from the castle. And I get it because I’m an over-glorified prostitute.”
Surprise continued to nod as she visibly struggled to contemplate Thomas’ words. “Help me see the problem here.”
Thomas rolled his eyes.
“No, I’m serious. I’m in the same boat as you. I got a free room, all I can eat, and I actually passed out the first time I saw my paycheck. This is a bucking cushy job, and all that’s before you count the actual work,” Surprise explained with air quotes. Then it occurred to her. “Wait, do you not think your job is real work?”
Thomas averted his gaze. “It’s more like a fantasy come true.”
Surprise shrugged. “Yeah, without a doubt, but it’s still work. I mean, you’re not the only one who has to take supplements just to keep up when you-know-who gets in one of her moods. There are ponies who make twice as much as us and never break a sweat because that’s how much their work is worth. Meanwhile, I’ve had sessions where it felt like I was going to die, but all I could think about was how my face hurt from smiling so much. That’s my life. It’s my job, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Also, I guess it’s been a while since you saw my room, but you would not believe the stuff I’ve splurged on just because I could. If you think you’re bad, I’m way worse.”
Thomas pinched the bridge of his nose as he tried to think up a counter. He couldn’t say that he hadn’t earned the position. The only qualification was the boss’ desire, which they both passed. He couldn’t say that he only had this life because of dumb luck. Surprise would retort that her being drawn by destiny was the same thing, only more overt because she’s a pony. At least, that’s how Thomas figured that argument would go. Overthinking was a major reason he preferred to avoid arguments. He could seldom beat himself, so it was generally easier to stay quiet. “It’s just… I don’t know.”
Surprise got on one knee to be closer to eye level. “Hey, dumb chimp, look at me,” she commanded, eventually drawing Thomas’ attention. “If our roles were reversed, you’d be doing the same thing I am. Right now, I’m upset that you’re upset, and I’m even more upset at myself for not knowing how to fix it, but I’m trying. I’m trying to help my friend feel better because I’d feel like a total ass face if I didn’t. That’s just who I am. And if I was ever feeling glum and didn’t know why, I know you’d be right here, trying whatever you could to cheer me up. That’s just who you are. The only difference I see is that I already know this stuff, but you need reminding.” She finished with a grin that could melt the coldest heart.
Thomas finally allowed himself to smile.
“Better?”
“Yeah, but I still feel bad for not doing anything for you back there.”
“Oh, I see. So, would it help if I gave you a penalty? You did a bad thing, and bad things deserve punishment. That way, you fairly faced justice, but mostly you can feel like you made it up to me.”
“Hmm. Ya know, that could work.”
Surprise’s smile grew wide and borderline blinding, but with hints of something devious and sinister. “Then, when we get back home, and the boss calls us to work, how about I call the shots? You’re pretty good at pacing yourself most of the time, but let’s see if I can push you where I usually go. Do what I say for my gratification, and I’ll call us even. Sound fair?”
“Hmm, that sounds needlessly risky, stupid, and like it might hurt.”
“We’ll use a safe word.”
“Fuck it. Let’s do this thing.”
“Yaaay!” Surprise shot up and rapidly applauded as she bounced on her hooves. She didn’t care how she drew every eye in the area to her jiggling, voluptuous curves. All that mattered was she’d helped a friend out of his funk. That other thing was merely a bonus.
Meanwhile, Jet reaffirmed her positive feelings toward Surprise. She had a bad habit of liking ponies who were frighteningly skilled manipulators.