Horse People Go Naked
Chapter 125: Chapter 124: Trying Farmwork
Previous Chapter Next Chapter“Is this really alright?” Thomas asked as he looked around. Despite knowing that Honey also worked at this orchard, it was still surprising to see the vast rows of trees out before him. Given that they were still on the side of a mountain, a large segment had been cut out of the rock face to create a step system with different crops set up on each of the different levels.
“Sure is,” Honey assured. “Talked it over with the ‘boss.’ She says so long as ya put in the work, yer welcome here.”
“Okay, yes,” Thomas listed somewhat distractedly. “But what am I supposed to do, exactly?” He looked around again, this time at the other ponies. All were wearing aprons with the Crescent Produce’s logo of a basket of fruit under a crescent moon on the front, but little else. Most were earth ponies, as was to be expected. They came in all shapes and sizes with Honey being in the upper tier of bigness, but there was no denying where the human lay on that line. “I’m pretty sure I’m the smallest one here.”
“Size don’t matter. It’s how ya do the work that counts,” Honey countered matter-of-factly.
Thomas blinked. “You know what you just said, right?”
“Course Ah do. Now get yer butt in gear. Ah got a lot o’ ropes ta show mah new assistant.”
Following after the big mare, Thomas wasn’t entirely certain she’d heard her own innuendo.
It had seemed odd at the time when Honey had suggested they’d use their quasi-night off to do what he and many others considered to be work. However, besides being non-confrontational in general, and having no better suggestions, Thomas rationalized that this might make a good life experience. He’d only ever worked in the service industry before coming to Equestria, but had always found more menial tasks pretty stimulating. And with the lack of a bright sun beating him down from on high, he saw no real reason why he couldn’t at least give the orchard a shot.
“Hey Dug,” Honey greeted the pegasus mare with a clipboard.
“Hello Honey,” the pegasus replied. Her accent sounded more ‘normal’ to Thomas, neither being rich and posh nor having Honey’s southern twang. She was probably Canterlot middle class or something. The nametag on her apron read Dugout. “This your new trainee?” She motioned to Thomas who waved back.
“Sort of. Ah thought Ah’d expand his horizons by showin’ him how the other half live. See how ponies spend their time when they ain’t rich enough ta kiss plot in the castle all night.”
Dug shrugged her acceptance. “Well management approved, so I guess I can’t argue. I got the impression they’re hoping for another voice in the Princess’ ear.”
“Probably. Any who, got that spare apron?”
Dug nodded. “It’s hanging up in the locker room.”
“Nice. Anythin’ special ya want me doin’ tonight, or do Ah jus’ do my usual rounds?”
“Your usual routine should be fine. The way management put it, they’ve wisely decided to be as hands-off as possible and trust you to give the trainee a favorable opinion of us.”
“Ah’ll do what I can.”
As Honey walked off, Dug made sure to call out behind her, “Remember the fate of the company is in your hands. Don’t buck this up.”
Not even looking back, Honey waved farewell to Dug, her hand balled into a fist and her middle finger extended.
“Does she know what that means?” Thomas asked.
“No,” Honey snickered. “Did Ah do it right?”
He smiled back at her. “If I’m understanding the context right, then you pulled it off like a pro.”
Honey grinned from ear-to-ear. “She’s jus’ funnin’ with me. The bosses are kinda bendin’ over ta do a faver fer ya, but Ah don’t think anypony really expects anythin’ big ta come of it.”
Moving his feet rapidly to keep pace with the big mare’s longer strides, Thomas attempted a wistful look as they approached a large beige building. “So this is what its like to have others brownnose me.”
Honey cocked her head sideways. “Ah thought them snooty petitioners at the castle did that all the time.”
“Correction,” Thomas conceded. “This is what it’s like to have others brownnose me in a way that isn’t annoying. Still completely transparent, but so far it’s actually pretty effective in that I actually feel kinda welcome.”
The building was mostly a warehouse with crates stacked almost four stories high. Pegasi and unicorns handled moving crates marked with various produce up and down the stacks while the earth ponies handled the horizontal movements across the floor. Carts pulled by teams of pegasi flew their cargo in and out from what was likely the hanger area. Keeping close to Honey, Thomas let his eyes wander to take in the sights as ponies chatted and went about their tasks. He saw one unicorn cast a spell that caused the crate to briefly flash, only for a second unicorn and a pair of pegasi to lift it skywards.
“Preservation spell,” Honey explained succinctly. “Canterlot imports most ‘f its food, but bein’ made in Canterlot gives ‘em an excuse ta jack up the prices fer exports.”
Thomas nodded. “Because growing in the light of Celestia’s sun is somehow different here than anywhere else,” he offered cheekily.
“Cheater. Ya’ll saw the advert, didn’t ya.”
“I actually didn’t.”
“Seriously? That was almost word-for-word.”
Thomas shrugged. “It just seemed like an obvious slogan. Fancy while playing on the consumers’ desire for nice things.”
“Ah think the human definition fer ‘obvious’ is different from the pony version.”
“Probably.”
The pair followed the wall until they reached the ‘Employee’s Lounge’. It was set up like any other worker break area with tables and chairs arranged like a restaurant, counters with shelves and coffee makers, and a few refrigerators. Adjacent to the main room were the lockers. Thomas deduced that Honey’s locker was the one with the miniature sized apron hanging in front.
On a whim, as Honey undid her lock and removed her own apron, Thomas held his up for comparison. “It’s like I got a baby apron.”
Honey quickly shushed him. “Don’t say things like that,” she chided in a stage whisper. “Ya never know what kind o’ filthy blabbermouth might be listenin’.” She looked past Thomas, meeting they eyes of a pegasus mare who was making coffee on the other side of the room. “Yeah, that’s right. I see them ears perkin’, Aqua Sprinkle,” she accused.
“I hope you weren’t directing those implications at me,” Aqua said with an indignant huff. “Honestly! It’s getting so a mare can’t perk her ears without everypony accusing her of this and that.”
Honey rolled her eyes. “Oh please. Everypony knows yer the biggest gossip around.”
“You’re one to talk. Spreading unfounded rumors like that is also gossip, you know.”
Honey chuckled. “Yeah, whatever. Hey, instead o’ lurkin over there like a creeper, how ‘bout ya come over ‘n’ meet the new guy yerself.”
Aqua snorted and marched forward, while struggling to keep the smirk off of her face. “Fine, but not because you told me to.”
Using his in-depth knowledge of pony behavior, which he’d accumulated after months of living and bedding with them, Thomas, the foremost expert on ponies that humanity has ever known, deduced that these mares were on good terms with one another and were just screwing around.
“Hey there little guy.” Aqua extended her hand for Thomas to take. “Name’s Aqua. Nice to meet ya.”
Thomas squeezed her hand as hard as he could, hoping to at least not disappoint the farmer with his weakness. “Thomas, and nice to meet you.” He forced himself to look up at her eyes and not notice the way one breast was poking out the side of her apron. Such a wardrobe malfunction was most likely a result of laziness and not a sexual invitation. “You two know each other long?”
“Aqua got stuck with showin’ me the ropes when Ah first started workin’ here.”
Aqua whickered. “Yeah, sure. Assign the mare who’s only been working the orchard a couple months to train a pony who literally grew up on one. Our expert managers in peak form, as ever.”
Thomas chuckled. If he closed his eyes, he could almost hear the eye roll in her tone. “Nice to see gripes against the higher ups are a universal thing.”
“I really shouldn’t, though,” Aqua countered. “They’re a lot better than some of my older bosses. If you know what you’re doing, they usually leave you alone.”
“They’re alright,” agreed Honey. She paused to check the clock. “About time we sign in ‘n’ get you started,” she said while giving Thomas an encouraging shove.
Although he kept quiet, he hoped that Aqua wouldn’t take this as an invitation to do the same. Being touched by strangers still irked him. Thankfully the winged mare just took the lead to the check-in station and pressed her thumb down on a sheet of paper. It glowed and a nearby pen levitated itself to write down her name and the time.
“Fancy,” Thomas remarked. “I wonder why the harem doesn’t have one of these.” He doubted Honey knew, but was still curious.
“Fewer ponies means more accountability,” Honey reasoned as she signed in. “Harder ta weasel yer way out o’ bein’ late.”
“Fair enough,” Thomas conceded. He pressed his own thumb to the paper and watched the pen repeat the signing in process. Magic still captivated him, especially when he watched its use in new, unexpected ways. Like anything new, he knew he’d eventually lose that sense of awe as the wondrous became mundane. Either that, or watching things sparkle and float would hold his attention forever.
Wearing his apron and nametag over his clothes, Thomas continued following close behind Honey. “Alright. First day of my temporary job. What do I need to know?”
“So far jus’ follow mah lead. Ain’t too complicated, but ya better be able ta keep up.”
Walking behind her through the trees, Thomas gave a mock salute. “No promises.”
“First order o’ business is ta drop that negative attitude,” Honey chided. “Ya’ll been trainin’ with a Princess fer months. Surely that’s gotta have built yer endurance a little.”
Thomas chuckled, but stoically replied, “We can only hope, and pray.”
The mare beside him snorted. “Yer too weird.”
Moving through the orchard, Thomas watched the outdoor ponies at work to get a better idea of what would be expected of him. There were the tree kickers doing as their name implied, applying just the right level of force into the trees to jostle the apples loose into buckets below. From there, the buckets were loaded onto carts and carried into the warehouse for processing. Given all that he knew, these jobs seemed perfectly ordinary to the human’s eyes. Of greater interest were the jobs he’d never seen depicted on the show before.
Thomas pointed to a group of earth ponies who seemed to be tilling the earth. Each carried a metal rod that wasn’t actually a shovel or rake, though. The rods looked more like spears with elaborate ornamentation on the stabby ends and shafts, and glowing green spheres half the size of a pony’s head on the back. The wielders of these spears would stab into the ground for a seemingly arbitrary period of time before moving onto a different spot. “What are they doing?”
“Fertelizin’.”
Thomas blinked. “Okay, you lost me. I’m no expert in farming, but doesn’t fertilizer require mulch and, well, manure?”
“In a regular field, sure. But this ain’t exactly normal apple growin’ terrain. The elevation, climate, ‘n’ even the kind o’ soil ‘r’ all wrong. So the city o’ all knowing unicorns calls in the earth ponies ta do what they can’t ‘n’ make the impossible happen,” Honey explained with no shortage of pride. “We make the land livable.”
Thomas turned back to the fertilizing ponies with newfound intrigue, even if he still had no idea what was happening. “So you guys can make anywhere farmable?”
Despite being pleased as punch with Thomas’ perfectly warranted respect for the brilliance of earth ponies, Honey felt obligated to set a few things straight. “With enough pony power, ya could dig a canal from one end o’ the continent ta the other, but that don’t make it practical. If ya wanna do somethin’ like that, its easiest to go where the land’s the thinnest. See what Ah’m sayin’?”
Thomas nodded as he considered. “So you just make places more livable than they would be.”
“Exactly,” Honey beamed. “See how those ponies aren’t wearin’ our aprons?” They were actually wearing white shirts with pictures on the front and back showing a seedling sprouting out of the dirt. “Well, they’re actually a team o’ professional dowsers that our company contracts to help keep these farms goin’. Those rods they use are called dowsin’ rods. ‘Esides findin’ water, they’re also handy in readin’ where the magic in the ground is at its weakest, or jus’ uneven. The dowsers then pump their own magic straight into the soil ta make things more level.”
Increasingly fascinated with this new find, Thomas wanted to know more. “So will they have to do this forever? Regular farms do things like rotate crops to keep the soil from getting overworked, right. So will this farm always need dowsers to come by to help the apple trees grow where they really shouldn’t?”
“Kinda,” Honey admitted. “Ah think this farm was first opened more ‘n’ a decade ago. Back then, there was a whole mess ‘f dowsers out here every day ‘n’ night. The company imported special soil, ‘n’ there was all kinds of red tape ta get through fer the pegasi ta get the weather juuus’ right. Now the weather’s all broken in. It’s figured out what we’re tryin’ ta do ‘n’ don’t put up as much ‘f a fight no more. With that ‘n’ all the soil replacement, we only need dowsers ta come by every other week. Ah actually hear the bosses ‘r’ plannin’ on cuttin’ that time ta twice a month. That said, this place still ain’t fit fer what we’re doin’, so dowsers’ll always need ta come by.”
Still walking, Thomas continued staring at the dowsers.
Honey whispered into his ear. “Unicorns like ta think they’ve got the only real magic ‘cause they can turn their farts into daisies. Ain’t a one that knows how ta turn the land green like an earth pony.”
“Can you do that?” Thomas asked.
“… wat?”
“Can you do that?” He motioned to the dowsers. “Do you know how to… dowse? Is that the word?”
“It is, but nah. That sorta thing is, well… Ya know how they say that Twilight Sparkle filly is a prodigy? She can do stuff most unicorns jus’ can’t.”
Thomas nodded.
“Well, those guys are sorta like the Twilight o’ earth ponies. Sure, any earth pony could pick up a dowsin’ rod like any unicorn could with her magic. But there’s a difference between liftin’ a stick ‘n’ liftin’ a space bear, if ya know what Ah’m sayin’.”
Thomas smiled up at the green mare. “I don’t care what anyone else says. You’ve really got a way with words.”
“Aww, that’s so cute,” Honey cooed, smiling her brightest as she messed his hair. “You think Ah’ll let ya get away with that.”
The mare’s tone made the human tense. While he knew full well that she was as strong as she looked, he also knew that their friendship prevented her from causing lasting damage. Even so, the list of harem-approved methods of retaliation was distressingly long. Worse, the odds were high that one or more of the others would only offer opposition until they were invited to participate. He shuddered just thinking about his impending doom.
“Anyhow, we’re here,” Honey declared, stopping below a sign that read Grove 15. “Let’s see about getting’ ya’ll ta sweat doin’ some actual work.”
His dread momentarily pushed aside, Thomas kept pace with Honey in her tasks. He started out by arranging the buckets beneath where the apples appeared to grow in clusters, almost as if for the convenience of their harvesters. Honey did her thing, delivering a roundhouse kick into the tree with enough force that Thomas felt it in his teeth. He had the feeling that it was well within the mare’s power to cleave the tree in two, but all that happened was a brief rain of red fruit. Although most apples refused to budge.
“That’s another reason why Ah’m not a dowser,” Honey continued as the pair of them loaded the buckets into a nearby cart. “Remember all them lessons we had so Ah’ wouldn’t crush yer small, supple li’l body? Well, a real dowser’d already know how ta do that ‘n’ then some. Tree kickin’ ain’t nothin’ compared ta keepin’ the magic in the soil level.”
Thomas hummed thoughtfully.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“Nuh uh. That weren’t no nothin’ hum. That was a somethin’ hum.” It was clear from Honey’s tone that she had made up her mind that something was amiss and would not relent until she figured out what that was.
Thomas shrugged in defeat. “It’s stupid. I was just thinking how come you get to say stuff about me being weak, but I can’t, you know, say stuff about you.”
Honey blinked as she led the way to the next tree in line. “But… ya can. Ya jus’ did a li’l bit ago.”
“Yeah, but then you said I wouldn’t get away with it,” Thomas explained as he set up the new buckets.
“‘N’ Ah meant it to. You gonna be walkin’ funny next time we have ourselves a ride,” she said matter-of-factly while delivering her kick.
Thomas pursed his lips. Normally he’d have dropped the subject by now and just let things be, but Honey still gave him that unsatisfied, inquisitive look. There were answers to be had and she wouldn’t stop until they were in her clutches. So Thomas took a breath and spat it out. “Well, I guess I just kinda, sorta, feel that’s a little… unfair.” His manner might have been as wishy-washy as they come, but spitting all that out still felt like an accomplishment. Now all he had to do was wait for the consequences of his words.
“Yeah,” Honey replied as though it were obvious. “If that’s how ya feel, then make us even.”
“What?”
“Ya’ll don’t like me teasin’ ya fer bein’ weak? What’re ya gonna do about it?”
“Uh…”
“How ya gonna make me pay fer what I did? Go on. Tell me what you’ll do ta put me in mah place.”
They had already cleared the last tree before walking over to the next one.
“Give it time. Ah’ll be patient.” Her words were oddly encouraging.
As he moved from tree-to-tree, transporting filled buckets to the cart and empty buckets to the trees, Thomas’ introversion took hold and ran away with his thoughts. She’s making me face it, he reasoned. Instead of avoiding something that I’m not comfortable with, she’s making me face it head on. Objectively, it made sense. Conflict avoidance had its place, but too much led to coddling and eventually an inability to deal with real world issues. We scrape our knees as kids to prepare ourselves for worse pains later, he reasoned.
But if that’s the case, then are Luna and Moonlight actually doing wrong by being soft with me? It was an unpleasant thought, to be sure. Even if it were true, obviously any harm that might have resulted would be unintentional, not that he’d noticed any harm anyway. They cared too much for him, and that was an objective fact. But the road to hell is paved with good intentions. He had enough references from the human world to know some of the social ills that had been born out of the desire to be kind. Fluttershy and her upcoming encounter with the breezies was by far the tamest thing he could think of for when brutality was kinder than coddling.
Honey’s trying to help, Thomas told himself. She was making him stand up for himself against someone he already felt safe with. The setting was new, and therefore uncomfortable, but that wasn’t necessarily bad. Detaching himself from the moment and thinking of his situation like a game, he was merely taking on a necessary challenge to build his resistance and boost his stats. It was a silly analogy, but it made sense to him.
Coming back to reality, Thomas looked back to see they’d already gotten through a further ten trees. It was like his body had gone on autopilot while his brain did its own thing. He stopped himself from thinking too much on any deeper meaning behind his actions, lest he lose himself in thought once more. His wrists hurt a little, but he dismissed that as him failing to properly carry the buckets. What mattered now was completing the task Honey had set out for him.
“Tonight’s actually a slow night,” Honey spoke up, making conversation. “We’re jus’ trimmin’ some o’ the excess apples so the trees don’t get weighed down. Real harvest ain’t fer a few more weeks. We’ll be havin’ our full crew when that happens.”
Thomas looked around, only now realizing how alone they were. He could see other ponies, but the nearest was over twenty yards away and working by himself. “You’re only a part timer, right?”
“E’yup.”
It made sense when he put the pieces together. This place seemed to meet the definition of a factory farm. Workers came in as needed, with a regular staff supported by part timers. Given what he’d seen in the show, apple trees in Equestria produced enough fruit to allow multiple harvesting periods per year. That meant that these fields most likely ran on skeleton crews between harvests. Thomas winced sympathetically as he imagined what it must be like for the lowly part timer grasping for every available shift to have those few extra bits in their pocket.
“What’ch’ya thinkin’ ‘bout?”
“How similar pony society is to humans. The differences are still pretty obvious, but it’s also kinda funny how a lot of things are almost exactly the same. Like how you have a magic sign in sheet while we use machines all to do the same thing.”
“That is funny,” Honey agreed evenly. “So, think up some consequences fer me yet?”
Thomas looked away as he carried another bucket of apples to the cart. He got the feeling Honey was deliberately moving slower than she normally would, but even then she would load four buckets for every one of his. The cart had filled up by now, so Honey went to the front to grab the handle and haul it back to the warehouse. Thomas followed alongside. He felt any effort to help push would just look pathetic, but still hated the idea of just doing nothing. He hoped Honey would save him from this dilemma.
“Ya gonna help ‘r’ what?” Honey motioned to her side where she was pushing the cart’s handle.
Thankful, Thomas hurried over to the mare’s side and took position. Pushing with all his might, he doubted he was making much of a difference, but it still felt better than doing nothing.
“Huh,” the mare hummed. “That’s somethin’.”
“What?”
“This got lighter than Ah expected. Ya’ll ‘r’ stronger than ya look,” she informed plainly, giving him a friendly smirk. “Guess all that buckin’ is really payin’ off.”
Thomas managed a small smile and nodded, forcing himself not to think that Honey was just saying things to be nice.
“But that still don’t let either ‘f us off the hook,” she warned. “Ya’ll were right when ya said it weren’t fair that only one o’ us gets ta tease the other. So, as yer friend, ya owe it ta me ta give as good as ya get.”
Thomas smiled flatly. “Do I really?”
“If ya don’t, then Ah’ll feel like Ah’m bullyin’ ya. If’n mah Ma ever found out Ah was pickin’ on a pipsqueak like you, she’d tan mah hide so hard Ah wouldn’t be able ta sit fer a month. ‘N’ that’s jus’ if she was feelin’ nice enough ta save me from pa. He’d get the lash.”
Thomas cringed. He was glad the others had let him abstain from the more painful bondage sessions, but what Honey described sounded even worse. “Maybe we could just, ya know, not do consequences?”
“Where’s the fun in that?” Honey asked, almost whining. “Ah want a excuse ta get a li’l rough ‘n’ make yer hips sore. So ya’ll need ta do somethin’ back so we’re equal.”
“That… doesn’t sound all that healthy.”
Honey scoffed. “Probably read that in some prissy study by an even prissier unicorn sayin’ how we all need ta be all soft ‘n’ prissy all the time.” She hocked a mighty loogi and spat a respectable distance. “Life outside the city is tough, so us country ponies gotta be tougher. Ya’ll wanna be tough too, right?”
Thomas didn’t answer, but kept his eyes on Honey’s.
“Ya don’t like when Ah call ya weak ‘cause ya don’t like feelin’ weak. If ya wanna feel strong, ya gotta do strong things, things ya thought ya couldn’t. Ah pushed ya, so ya’ll gotta push me back. We keep pushin’ on each other ‘n’ make ourselves tough. Ya follow?”
Thomas gave a measured nod. Honey really was trying to help him, and her logic made sense. He’d watched plenty of shows where they said toughness was all about attitude. So while he could never hope to match ponies in strength – except maybe Silver – he could still act the part and not be such a pushover all the time. That, he reasoned, was what Honey was trying to achieve. The response to such an earnest effort to help was painfully obvious. However, it took an equally painful amount of effort to force himself to actually say the words out in the open.
“Thank you.”
Honey lightly hip-checked her friend. “Ah ain’t done nothin’ yet. Ah’m still waitin’ ta hear what you’ll do.”
Once more, Thomas nodded and went back to thinking while his body went on autopilot. He barely paid attention as they traded the heavy cart for one full of empty buckets and headed back to where they’d left off. Violence is out of the question. That much was obvious from the get-go. He hated the idea of inflicting or receiving pain. Besides, what Honey was planning sounded more like she’d exhaust him doing something they both liked, so it wouldn’t be fair to actually hurt her back. She’d probably think it was, but only if I were one of her pony friends who could actually dish it out.
Doing something sex themed sounded like an equitable consequence, but nothing good came to mind. Going in without lube was too mean-spirited, and there was no hope of matching the big mare for strength or endurance. And I can’t ask the others for help. According to his arbitrary interpretation of the rules for this challenge, he had to come up with something on his own before they went back to the castle.
“Ah’d rule out arm wrestlin’,” Honey offered idly. “Ya’ll wouldn’t stand a chance, there.”
Thank you for stating the painfully obvious, Thomas thought impolitely.
“‘N’ actually pushin’ me wouldn’t do much, either. Ah’m a li’l too big fer that.”
Which I already figured out! Thomas was starting to get impatient.
“So,” Honey paused dramatically, “if’n ya can’t fight me like a pony, Ah guess ya oughta try fightin’ some other way.”
Thomas blinked, rethinking his strategy. She means fight the human way. My way. Except the human way wasn’t all that different from how ponies fought. Punching, kicking, weapons… A farm girl would probably be familiar with biting. Wait, no. He was still parsing it out, but he was starting to get Honey’s meaning. Not the human way. She wants me to fight MY way, the Thomas way.
Thinking objectively, this seemed like the best way to meet the terms of the challenge and prove himself tough to the walking mountain of muscle. He needed to come up with a means of retaliating with something unique to him. And although this made sense on a conceptual level, the human now faced the same conundrum with a new outlook. What can I do that’s unique to me? What’s even unique about me that doesn’t totally suck?
These were not the easiest questions for a person of his mental state to answer. If Moonlight were here, she’d say the usual supportive girlfriend stuff, like he was kind and smart. Thomas’ pessimistic side countered that he was being appeasing as a consequence of his timidity. As for being smart, well… He certainly knew things that ponies didn’t. He hadn’t exactly worked hard to achieve that knowledge, but there really wasn’t a counter argument for why being more familiar than others with certain topics couldn’t be considered smart.
Okay, so at least I’m not stupid, he concluded. Where does that get me? As so often happened, his mind turned to shows and movies he had voraciously devoured over his youth in place of socializing. When those characters met with this sort of problem, the answer was usually that they had a different perspective. Being an outsider, they saw things differently than the locals. Even Honey had said that what’s obvious is different for ponies and humans. So what’s obvious for me that isn’t for them? What’s something that’s unique to me that I can turn into leverage against Honey? That last thought made him feel a little squicky. It didn’t matter that she had a physical advantage over him. The idea of holding leverage over someone, especially a guy over a girl, just felt wrong.
Yet despite the human’s inner turmoil, he actually found that he was enjoying himself working. The labor was steady without being overwhelming. It felt good to physically exert himself. He’d even tried setting little challenges for himself, like reducing the rate of buckets carried to three of Honey’s to every one of his. With each new tree, it felt like he was getting a little bit closer.
Honey pulled a canteen from the cart. “Drink?”
Thomas nodded and accepted. The liquid was ice cold despite the absence of any hard ice chunks. It was amazingly refreshing as it poured down his gullet, making the human aware just how hot his body had gotten. Had he really been working that hard? More so, had he been enjoying his workout so much that he’d lost track of time? The heaviness of his breathing and the slight burning in his limbs suggested this to be so.
Honey took the canteen after Thomas had had his fill and finished it off. “One o’ the perks o’ workin’ with one o’ these bigger companies is they give out free cold water.”
“I once worked at a place that would actually bring food for certain holidays.”
Honey snorted. “Lucky.”
“Any other perks I should be aware of? In case I decide to part time here?” Thomas felt a flicker of an idea begin to form. Something about perks.
Honey did not suspect that her dear friend was currently contemplating her doom. “Let’s see here. There’s benefits fer medical ‘n’ dental, a fifteen minute break every couple hours, half hour lunch… Oh, ‘n’ sometimes they hold these fundraisers fer whenever their employee’s fall on hard times, like if they lose their house ‘r somethin’.”
“That sounds nice of them.” Then Thomas cynically added, “Great way to buy some public relations.”
“Sure is,” agreed Honey. “Why d’ya ask?”
“Well, I was just thinking about some of the perks in the harem.”
“We get paid ta buck the Princess,” Honey deadpanned. “Askin’ fer more is jus’ plain greedy.”
“Maybe, but some of the perks at my old jobs were paid for out of pocket by the managers. Sometimes even other employees would buy some boxes of doughnuts and just leave them out on the table for everyone to have. And since I’m senior concubine, I was thinking I ought to do something like that to show my appreciation for everyone.” Thomas kept his expression even as his diabolical plan coalesced.
“That’s… nice,” Honey said skeptically. “Ah wouldn’t say no ta some free doughnuts.”
“Me neither, but that’s too generic. The harem’s a lot more intimate than some retail store, so the out of pocket perks should reflect that,” Thomas explained. “I was thinking of going to the castle masseuse and learning some more advanced techniques.”
“Advanced how?”
“I don’t know yet. There’s probably some special methods to get the kinks out of stiff shoulders or tired f-hooves,” he amended. “The professionals will still be able to do more than any amateur ‘cause, you know,” he held up his hand, “bigger and all; but I like the idea of Luna coming in after a hard night’s work, sitting on the edge of the bed, and I just massage all her problems away.”
“Aww,” Honey cooed. “That’s so sweet.”
“We could even try working it into our,” Thomas chuckled and quickly surveyed the mostly empty orchard, “usual sessions. We’d take breaks after a bit to hydrate, and I could go around making sure everyone’s feeling loose. Pretty sure Luna could do something with her magic, but I think the personal touch better reflects the spirit of the harem.”
Honey cooed once more. “Moonlight found herself a good’n. Ain’t too many stallions’d take that kind o’ time ta tend ta their mares.” She smiled sweetly at the little guy. “Ya know, yer really sw-hey, wait a minute!” she reeled, finally catching on that something was amiss.
Thomas’ grin was small, but unquestionably sadistic. Honey looked shocked and just a little bit frightened at what was coming. He felt a little bad about wielding this kind of power over her. Hopefully his plan wouldn’t exceed her expectations. “Well, it’s like I said about the professional masseuses,” he continued nonchalantly. “Pony hands are just better equipped and dealing with those extra stiff muscles, probably.”
“Y-yeah?”
“Not to mention that an amateur could just as easily do more good than harm, so there’ll probably be a whole list of things they’ll say I shouldn’t even try.”
“Uh huh.” A sinking pit in Honey’s stomach made her fear she already knew where this was going.
“So, while everyone else is getting the full body massages from the tiny stallion they inexplicably have the hots for…” Thomas let the pause go on for far longer than was necessary. “I figure there’s no point for a weakling like me to even bother with a tough-as-nails earth pony. They’ve all got muscles like rocks, at least in my limited experience, so I doubt anything I can do would even be felt. Maybe I’ll think of something else.” He shrugged noncommittally, pretending he’d said nothing out of the ordinary.
“Oh, youuu,” Honey growled. “You… you rotten li’l cuss! You sneaky, underhanded…” Her jaw snapped shut as her tirade halted. “Ma would send me a paddlin’ through the mail if’n she found out Ah was talkin’ to a stallion like that. But you really is a rotten li’l cuss.”
Thomas shrugged his indifference, still waiting on her real verdict.
Honey snorted and delivered an extra bone shaking kick into the next tree. It left a bit of a mark. “Ya’ll need ta warn a pony ‘efore ya take out the big swords,” she said with a slight upwards curl of her mouth. “Ah like it.”
“You do?” Of all the reactions Thomas expected, those words were not on the list.
“Ah mean Ah hate it. Pretty sure that’s what they call a…” She snapped her fingers as she thought. “Unfair? Uneven?”
“Disproportionate?”
“That’s the one! Yeah, that was definitely dis-pro-portion-ate,” she enunciated carefully, “ta what I was plannin’. Pullin’ somethin’ like that’s jus’ downright evil. Honestly, Ah’m a li’l impressed.”
Thomas allowed himself a triumphant smirk, the highest tier of shit-eating grins. “I’m glad you approve,” he said as they continued their work.
“You ain’t bein’ serious though, right?” Honey’s words sounded pleading.
“I don’t know,” Thomas replied, exaggerating his voice to sound more cutesy and childlike. He hoped it sounded as insufferable to her as it did to him. “I guess I’m as serious as you.”
Honey narrowed her eyes to dangerous slits. “You’s a dangerous li’l feller. All sweet ‘n’ soft lookin’ on the outside, but inside ya could put the forces o’ darkness through their paces with yer schemin’.”
“There’s an idea,” Thomas remarked. “Maybe Luna will let me hold a seminar for how to be a better villain. Lesson one: full frontal assault should be delayed until you understand your enemy better, or as a diversion while you go after the real threat. Otherwise the good guys know exactly where to aim the power that’s kept them in charge for so long.”
A snorty chuckled escaped Honey’s forced scowl. From what she remembered of history class, that advice would have helped a lot of would-be conquerors. She was half joking when she’d called the little guy dangerous, but now she wasn’t so sure.
***
Meanwhile, in a dark room somewhere in Canterlot, a naked mare was staring down at a crystal ball and doing her best to keep her ears from pivoting forward. Granted, she was alone, and so no pony would notice such a reaction, yet giving such an obvious tell flew in the face of all that she had been trained for. Regardless, just thinking about what she’d heard made her blood boil.
Even as a joke, giving such advice to Equestria’s enemies was bordering on treason. However, the mare in the dark room kept herself calm. She imagined reporting this to her boss and him lecturing her about controlling her temper. ‘It’s just a joke’ he’d argue. ‘Even if it weren’t it’s not like something like that could ever happen.’
Such thinking was frustrating for the mare. It was precisely their job to consider such improbable scenarios, which was why the human always got under her skin. He was such an unknown factor with seemingly limitless potential in the harm he could cause. And as much as she wanted to put an end to that threat here and now, she knew that was not her place. Her boss was her boss for a reason, and he had counseled restraint and passive observation.
‘The human is a fount of knowledge,’ Firestorm would say. ‘If he is to be our enemy, best we learn everything we can before making our move.’
The mare nodded at her reasoning. She further imagined Firestorm’s reaction to the suggestion, itself. He’d probably spend the next week going over old war records and postulating how things might have gone if those old monsters had taken the humans advice. Those theories would be written down and sent to his superiors, leading to an extended back-and-forth as everypony threw their hat into the debate. Thus, while management kept itself busy, it would be on her to take over primary monitoring duty. She was loyal and would do as she was told. She would do whatever it took to protect Equestria, even from the naivety of the Princesses.
***
Thomas and Honey continued their work in relative silence, which suited the latter just fine. He was comfortable with the silence, letting his mind wander while he put his body through its paces. He wasn’t pushing himself like at the gym, but still taking a kind of satisfaction from the growing ache in his muscles. The ache, as he saw it, meant he was exercising properly, which gave him a sense of accomplishment. This was compounded by the distraught and flummoxed look on the green mare’s face as she struggled to come up with a retort to his earlier declaration. All in all, the human was having a good time.
“Dern it! Ya got me boxed in.”
“How so?”
“I,” she huffed, “want ta… No.”
“Want to what?”
“Nothin’.”
“That didn’t work when I tried it on you,” Thomas countered, riding the high of his achievements. “What’s eating you?”
“Not you, fer one,” she snorted.
Thomas looked around. “We can fix that. How clean are the bathrooms around here?” His grin was highly punchable.
“Ugh! Yer jus’ makin’ it worse.”
“Then tell me how to make it better.”
“No. ‘Cause then that’ll make it worse.”
“How?” When Honey didn’t answer right away, Thomas pulled back and attempted a softer tone. “You know I just want to help, right?”
Honey snorted dismissively. “‘Cause its yer job.”
“My dad used to say that if you can find a job you love, you’ll never have to work another day in your life.” He paused and assumed a proud pose. “And I’m here to say I enjoy what I do so much that I haven’t done a lick of work since I got here.”
Honey snorted again, this time out of amusement. “Ya’ll make it real hard ta stay mad at ya. Ya know that, right.”
“It is one of many personal flaws that I have made peace with,” he deadpanned back.
“Okay, fine! Ya wanna know what’s eatin’ me? Ah’m tryin’ ta figure out how Ah can weasel out o’ our deal. That’s borderin’ on dishonest, but Ah really don’t wanna be left out o’ the massages.” Her pitch heightened to a petulant whine. “This sucks.”
Thomas walked right up to the mare. No matter how much she looked away, he repeatedly inserted himself into her field of vision, smiling in the manner that these mares seemed to like. Eventually she relented and didn’t look away, never suspecting he was hatching yet another devious plan.
“Then how about we trade?”
“Trade what?”
“Punishments,” he replied evenly. “It can be like forgiving each other’s debts. That way, assuming I actually learn to give massages as good as I think, you’ll get to enjoy them, and I’ll get to keep the feeling in my legs.”
Honey chuckled. “Ya realize yer kinda doomed ta lose that anyway, right?”
“As soon as I said it, yes,” admitted the human. “But this way it won’t be taken out of malice or something.”
Honey then grabbed for the diminutive human, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. It was unclear whether or not it was intentional that his head was smooshed against her breast, but she definitely meant to deliver the noogies of inescapable hair messing. Nearly thirty seconds of combing this morning reduced to naught, all so that the mare could scrape her knuckles along his scalp. “Yer a nut,” she teased. “Ah can’t say that enough.”
The little guy fought his hardest to pull free, but all the might at his disposal was more of a suggestion to the stronger mare. When he was let go, it was on her terms, and they both knew it. Small bouts of banter were had here and there. A few other workers were brave enough to approach and ask the human a few questions, but nothing regarding Luna or the harem. Whether or not they had tried such questions on Honey was uncertain, but they seemed to understand the protocol. It was only a short, six hour shift, for which the human was grateful to finally leave.
“I hope I’m not too sore tomorrow,” he half joked.
“Same. If ya are, they’ll all blame me fer wearin’ ya out ‘efore they get a chance.”
“Oh well,” he sighed, resigned to his fate. “I guess they’ll just have to take out their frustrations on you.”
Honey shrugged. “Could be worse,” she admitted, trying not to smirk.
“Thanks for bringing me out here.” Thomas gave the orchard one last look around as they made for the exit. “When you’re not doing it every night, regular work is actually kind of fun.”
“Ah had fun, too.” She pulled him close, pressing his side to her hip. “Now the real kicker’ll be gettin’ ol’ big blue out here. Won’t that be a hoot!”