“So how much should we make? I’ve never done a potluck before.” Moonlight, like the others, was busying herself in the kitchen that Luna normally borrowed for her lessons, the one some of the chefs had taken to calling it things like ‘the war room,’ and other similarly foreboding titles. The addition of shields loaned from the armory situated around the room really added to the ambience of what this particular kitchen had become.

Rumors had taken on a life of their, becoming a modern urban legend in a relatively short amount of time. An air of mystery had been born around this kitchen, with hushed whispers telling tales of great wonders emerging from the ether, drawn by the kitchen’s immeasurable power. The rumors drew investigation, not least of which from other chefs seeking to understand these culinary conundrums. To some extent, the kitchen had become something of a rite of passage for cooks both novice and tenured. After all, if one was truly worthy of serving food fit for a Princess, one must be willing to brave the most dangerous kitchen in the realm.

“Enough for everyone to at least have two servings,” Thomas said as he cracked some eggs over the bowl of his dish. The bowls and cooking finery were all sized up to the Amazonian statue of the ponies, but the measurements were all the same as what he was used to on Earth. “Had to talk with one of the chefs about getting the proportions right, but I think I’ll still have to make three cakes just to be on the safe side.”

Moonlight nodded and looked around the kitchen. Almost every cooking station had been confiscated by Luna and the members of her harem, each of whom were either working alone or with the aid of only a few chefs for support. After all, there was no point in doing this if each dish wasn’t personally handcrafted by each of them with love and care. She took a deep breath through her nose and gave a satisfied smile. “Smells good.”

“I take full credit for that,” Surprise declared as she dashed from one oven to another, each of which was at her exclusive disposal. “Mama’s double decker brownies always leave your mouth watering, especially once they’re out of the oven.”

“Double decker?” Silver asked.

“Old family recipe,” chirped Surprise. “See, there’s this trick to baking that makes them extra yummy fluffy, but don’t ask what it is. Family secret and all that.”

Silver hummed thoughtfully as she regarded the white mare wearing nothing but a pink apron. Besides the mixed odors of so many delicious foods permeating the air, the way that mare’s rump swayed as she worked was enough to make the refined bat mare’s mouth water. “I hope there aren’t too many deserts,” Silver said, trying to distract herself.

“Would that be so bad?” Luna asked as she chopped away with magically dulled knives. She’d lost the privilege to use regular, non-enchanted knives after the last incident with the toupee and the live fish. “If Honey and her herd wish to offer up sweet and sugary morsels for our enjoyment, then who are we to refuse,” she opined, licking her lips.

“Yeah,” Thomas agreed. “Worst case scenario, we all have to brush our teeth extra hard later.”

“I hope these aren’t the only deserts. My sweet tooth’s been acting up lately,” Surprise added. “It aches with an overwhelming hunger that begs to be satisfied.”

“Probably Thomas’ too. He’s got a pretty bad sweet tooth of his own.”

“Heeeeey,” Thomas whined at Moonlight.

“He never wants to buy any, but whenever there’s free candy or other sweets, he’s always quick to grab at least a few.”

“I don’t hear you complaining when you always take half,” Thomas countered.

Moonlight just grinned and gave the human’s rump a playful flick with her tail.

“I hope the carriages arrive on time,” Silver said in worry. “I don’t know about the rest of you, but my deviled eggs are best eaten fresh out of the oven. If there’s too much traffic…” she trailed off, her meaning obvious.

“Fear not. I have arranged a flying chariot to bring Honey’s herd directly to the castle, bypassing all foreseeable traffic obstacles,” Luna informed plainly. “They will arrive with utmost haste, and be escorted directly to Miss Honey’s room for evening brunch.” She giggled at the odd word. “Hehe. Brunch.”

The Princess and her harem had been working diligently since early morning, waking up extra early and wolfing down their breakfast so they could get started. Honey had been absent from Luna’s harem this morning, no doubt working with her herd to prepare their own dishes for the night’s festivities, such as they were. Surprise had to talked down several times from going all out with setting up streamers, balloons and the like, as this was meant to be a simple, casual and relaxed get-together. They’d compromised by allowing her to bring in materials for some party games she had planned.

**********

Meanwhile, across Canterlot, Honey was doing her best to get her family in gear.

“C’mon, Jona. Plow’s already done with makin’ his salad.” She gestured at the big stallion who was smiling apologetically and waving from where he was beside his bowl of salad.

“Ah’m afraid there’s nothin’ to it,” Jona informed. She’d pulled up a chair and had been reading a magazine for some time, ever since she’d put her dish in the oven. “We can go once the timer’s up.” While her tone was passive, the way she kept licking her lips suggested that she was experiencing more tension than she was letting on. “Speaking of which, yer sure there isn’t a dress code ‘r nothin’?”

Honey nodded fervently. “We all talked it out ‘n’ agreed it’d be best if the whole thing was kept as informal as equinely possible. Thomas might wear his uniform, but that’s jus’ cuz he’s got this thing ‘bout bein’ naked in front o’ strangers.”

“But what about the Princess? Ah mean, not that we can afford anythin’ that’d even be close to-”

“She’ll be naked,” Honey interjected. While Jona was normally the coolheaded one of the bunch, once she got to worrying, she had a tendency to imagine scenarios which increasingly grew from bad to worse, so it was best to reassure her herdmate. Meeting a Princess for the first time was an understandable source of anxiety, after all.

Jona blinked as her ears pivoted to full alert. “N-naked?”

“Naked,” Honey confirmed. “No dress, no hoof guards, no necklace-thingy, and no crown.”

“It comes off?” Plow asked in disbelief.

Honey nodded. “It does. Sometimes, during mah mornin’ shift, she even lets me put it on ‘er.” She looked between her anxious herd mates. “It gets tirin’ havin’ ponies bow ‘n’ kiss yer hooves all the time. The Princesses ‘re amazin,’ but they’re also ponies. They like ta let their manes down, and in this case it’s literal,” she added with a chuckle, “jus’ like the rest o’ us. They like havin’ friends that’ll treat ‘em jus’ like everypony else.”

Jona swallowed as she exchanged a worried look with Plow. “Then… what’s the… how do we greet ‘er? Is regular bowin’ okay, or-”

“Bow when ya first say ‘hello’ – that’s jus’ manners – but after that she’d like ya ta look ‘er straight in the eye when yer talkin’. An’ she’ll expect ya ta talk, too!” Honey emphasized. “That’s what Ah did when Ah first met ‘er. Thanks ta that pep talk ya’ll gave me, I walked in that meetin’ room like Ah was meant ta be there. Ah smiled, said ‘hi’, kissed ‘er hand-”

“An’ put ‘er finger in yer mouth,” Plow reminded, still sounding incredulous that she’d actually been daring enough to do something like that with an alicorn Princess, of all beings.

“Yeah,” Honey chuckled, smiling at the fond memory. “An’ she liked me fer it. Look, jus’ be yerselves when we get there. Keep yer snoots level, not pointed down. Speak like ya would meetin’ any other new friend. An’ most importantly of all…” she trailed off, noting the way the others leaned forward in anticipation. She shighed and shook her head. “Jus’ relax will ya. Ah’m sure it’ll all be fine. Luna ‘n’ all the others ‘re great folks and they’re jus’ itchin’ ta meet ya. Ah promise.”

The timer went off with a soft ‘ting’.

“One last thing,” Honey continued as she moved to help Jona with the oven. “If’n ya have ta fart, jus’ blame it on Silver.”

**********

The trip to the castle was a short one, even by sky carriage standards. Each member of Honey’s herd sat with their respective dishes wrapped up in their laps while taking the opportunity to look out over the city. It wasn’t often an earth pony got to see things from a pegasus’ point of view, and what a view it was. The great towers of Canterlot glittered like the twinkling stars of the night sky. The ponies on the ground looked almost like ants as they moved about, taking care of their various nightly duties. A concert was playing off in the distance, filling the night air with a lovely composition of strings and horns.

They arrived at one of the secondary entrances where a lunar guard stood watch. “Greetings Apple Honey, Jonagold, and Big Plow,” the guard said, nodding to each of them. “If you’ll follow me, I’ll escort you the rest of the way.”

“Why?” Jona asked and looked at Honey. “Don’t you know where yer own room is?”

Honey scrunched her nose at her mate’s joke, earning a playful sneer in retaliation. This was a good sign. It meant Honey’s advice was being taken and they were all starting to relax. Even Plow, though silent, looked considerably less tense than earlier.

The guard answered after patiently waiting for the silliness to pass. “Princess Luna’s orders. She would have liked to have been here herself, but it seems there was a little… issue in the kitchen.”

Honey flinched. “No pony got hurt, did they?”

Jona and Plow’s ears pivoted forward in interest. Honey had told them a little about what Luna was like in the kitchen, but she’d played things down considerably for everypony’s benefit.

“Thank Faust, no,” the guard replied. Her tone of voice made it sound like she was all too familiar with the string of – as Luna described them – entirely unrelated instances of bad luck that were purely coincidental and in no way suggested that there was some kind of jinx at work. Besides, she and a small army of skilled casters had already checked for that.

“Shall we?” the guard asked and indicated the door.

Jona and Plow didn’t say much as they were led along through the castle corridors. Being simple country folk, they were understandably struck mute by the awe and majesty of the castle and its finery. Servants stepped aside as they passed, although many nodded to Honey and greeted her by name, thanking her for helping them with various chores around the castle.

“You lookin’ ta be a concubine or a maid?” Plow asked with a grin. “Cuz it sounds like you’ve been doin’ an awful lot o’ cleanin’.”

“Don’t see why Ah can’t be both,” was Honey’s honest reply. She hadn’t actually considered taking up any other formal work around the castle before, but she didn’t see it being any sort of problem. “Moonlight gets ta be a guard ‘n’ buck the Princess, so Ah don’t see why Ah can’t do two things too.”

“Ah’m proud o’ you, Honey,” Jona said. “Ah was a bit worried that spendin’ so much time in the castle might change ya, make ya all snooty like some o’ them more prissy nobles. But it looks like yer the same helpful mare ya’ve always been.”

Honey snorted indignantly. “If Silver were here, she’d say somethin’ like how that don’t even deserve a proper response. But me? Ah’m jus’ wonderin’ if’n Ah can get away with givin’ ya a firm spankin’ ‘efore the night is out.”

Jona just nodded, her face free of all expression. “You can try,” she dared.

“Hey. Looks like somepony beat us here,” Plow said, pointing up ahead. Most of the doors they’d passed were devoid of any guards. The one up ahead, however, had six.

“Good eye,” Honey praised. “Ah guess things in the kitchen weren’t too bad this time.”

“Is that somethin’ we should be wary about?” Jona asked. It was still hard to grasp the Princesses being so inept at something as simple, by her standards, as cooking.

“Probably not, but Ah wouldn’t bring it up, though,” Honey explained. “Luna can be kinda sensitive ‘bout that.”

Jona nodded her understanding. Despite her cool exterior, she was still worried about meeting an actual goddess. Plow was still a bit worried too. However, the way Honey had described Luna and the others in the harem had helped to put them both at ease.

They arrived at the door and Honey knocked.

“Who is it?” a mare on the other side called.

“Are you sure this is the right door?” Jona whispered.

Plow looked between the guards stationed to either side of the door for an answer, but they didn’t seem forthcoming.

Honey grinned, both in recognition of Surprise’s voice and her decision to have a little fun. “We’re acolytes, here ta spread the good news about Princess Celestia. Praise the sun and glory to Celestia!”

Jona and Plow exchanged flabbergasted looks. Of all the things that were generally deemed acceptable in polite society, trying to preach the merits of Celestia worship in Luna’s own wing of the castle was pretty far down on the list.

“Really?” Surprise asked. There was the sound of movement and whispers beyond the door. “Mind waiting for a second. We need a bit to prepare the customary cat-apult.”

Honey’s ear flicked at the inflection while her mates took several cautious steps back. “Ya’ll aren’t plannin’ launchin’ a bunch o’ angry cats at us, are ya?”

There was a short pause. “… noooooo.”

“What if we bribed ya with baked goods?” Honey asked. “Would ya let us in, then?”

More whispering. “Maaaaybe. What kind?”

Honey chuckled. It helped put her at ease to joke around with Surprise. “Wieners ‘n’ buns.”

Jona coughed loudly, looking up at Honey in disbelief even as Plow and some of the guards chuckled at the playful banter that was taking place.

“Oh, that sounds yummy. It’s been ages since I had a thick, juicy piece of meat inside me,” Surprise said as she finally unlocked the door. The first thing she did was greet Honey with a powerful hug, mindful of the dumplings she carried. The second thing she did was notice the blushes on the other two ponies’ faces. “Howdy ya’ll,” she greeted warmly, keeping one arm over Honey’s shoulder. “Nice to finally meet you guys. I’m Surprise,” she said and offered out her hand.

Jona, remembering her manners, cleared her throat and straightened her posture. She maneuvered the tray of fritters under one arm and offered her hand in kind. “Jonagold. A pleasure to finally meet you.” Surprise’s grip was impressively firm as far as pegasi went. With how physical and friendly she was being with Honey, Jona decided she liked this mare.

“Big Plow,” the big stallion added and took his turn, reaching much the same conclusion as Jona.

“Glad you guys showed up when you did,” Surprise said and stepped aside to allow them entry. “The food is still fresh, but some of it is starting to grow cold.”

Jona and Plow followed Honey inside and looked upon Luna and the members of her harem. As Honey had predicted, the only one wearing anything was Thomas. The human’s furless skin was a little off putting to the country ponies, but he seemed nice enough. The farmers had heard enough about the other ponies standing around the room to easily be able to identify them by name. Luna, naturally, was the most striking mare in the room. She was a bit shorter than Jona and Plow had expected, but that still left her towering imposingly over them both. Her mane and tail hung disappointingly limp behind her; both had been looking forwards to seeing their legendary waving. There was nothing that could be said about her gorgeous body that thousands of eloquent poets hadn’t said already. Yet without her crown and regalia, it was almost possible to forget that she was a Princess and not just a gorgeous super-model. After a moment of confusion, they decided that – after setting their food on a nearby table – the most polite way to approach this was to go in order of rank, starting with the Princess.

“Greetings, Princess,” Jona and Plow said together. They bowed their heads down while keeping their backs straight.

Luna stood from where she’d been sitting on the bed and walked over to the bowing ponies. She stood in silence for a moment as she studied them. “Honey has told me much about you, Jonagold and Big Plow,” she said with gentle authority in her voice. “She has told me that you are both fine, upstanding ponies of the community. You give to charity, but also donate your time to whoever might be in need.” Both bowing ponies looked up, their expressions alight from her praise. “It is my distinct honor to finally meet you,” Luna said before returning the bow.

Honey cleared her throat and both her mates snapped back to attention. She coughed a second time and the pair forced themselves to relax a bit.

“The pleasure is all ours.” Jona’s voice was dripping in awe as she, recalling what Honey had said, offered out her hand. Luna’s appreciative smile was enough to make the small mare’s knees wobble. Her skin was softer than silk, yet her grip gave just enough of a squeeze to hint at the true strength lying beneath. “Your Highness,” Jona added hurriedly.

Luna gave a tired sigh. “I would appreciate it if we could refrain from titles for this night’s festivities. For now, I ask that you simply call me Luna.”

“Yes, Your-Luna,” Jona stammered.

Luna’s eyes twinkled with mischief. “Or, if you prefer, you may refer to me as Lady of the night, Princess Luna, she of the pristinely grand figure, whose plot puts all others to shame, especially Celestia’s.”

“Shoot,” Surprise hissed and pulled out a pen and paper from her mane. “This is kinda last minute. Not sure if I’ll be able to remember all that.” She then handed the paper off to Luna. “Think you can wear this nametag for a bit so we can remember?” Surprise blinked obliviously as Luna covered her mouth to contain her guffaws. The other concubines were also trying to repress their chortles. “What?”

Plow smiled softly while waiting patiently for the foalish giggles to subside. “Funny,” he said when Luna finally seemed ready to accept his hand. “Howdy ma’am. Name’s Big Plow. That there’s mah lead mare, Jonagold.”

Jona pursed her lips at realizing she’d forgotten to give her name to Luna. Maybe it wasn’t as much of a blunder since she’d already given it to Surprise? Either way, Jona’s gut was in knots.

“We’re mighty pleased ta meet ya.” Plow’s tone was gentle and cordial, the same as he always used when he was feeling relaxed and friendly.

Luna’s eyes looked appraisingly up and down the stallion, lingering just a few seconds longer below the belt, before she turned to face Honey. “I can only imagine why you chose such a specimen for your stallion,” she said with a wink.

Plow’s expression remained frozen in smile, yet his cheeks had turned a dark shade of red.

The greetings continued with the remaining concubines in order of their induction. Thomas smiled politely and gave their hands an extra squeeze as Honey had suggested, just to show that he was putting in the effort. Jona was sweet enough, but when it came to Plow, it was hard not to feel emasculated before that tower of pectoral muscle and his deformed third leg. Moonlight was just as cordial. These seemed like good ponies and first impressions were important. Plow, despite being the physical peak of earth pony masculinity, did nothing for her hormonally. He just wasn’t her type. Silver put more of a flare into her greetings, bowing with a flourish and even kissing the back of Plow’s hand. Jona, she was relieved, was not taller than herself, granting the bat the temporary privilege of not being the shortest mare in the room for a change.

“Can we eat now?” Surprise asked. “Everything smell so good and it’s driving me crazy.”

“Manners!” Silver snapped, but Surprise looked unperturbed.

“Be at ease, Silver,” Luna soothed. “She simply voices what we are all thinking.” She turned to the table where all the food had been gathered, along with an assortment of drink pitchers, and licked her lips in longing. “Is that cinnamon I smell?”

“You bet it is,” Jona boasted proudly, only to quickly wind down her excitement. “Uh, that is… Ah always make mah apple fritters with extra cinnamon. It’s how mah pa made ‘em and it’s what Ah grew up lovin’.”

With minimal fanfare, the assembled ponies and human were herded around the table with all the food and sat down. Luna and Thomas had special chairs – at opposite ends of the table – to adjust for their size issues, but everyone else was able to sit wherever they pleased. From her position at the head of the table, to Luna’s left sat Silver, Surprise, and Moonlight. Her right was taken up by Honey, Plow, and Jona.

“Shall I lead the prayer?” Jona asked and everyone communicated their agreement.

Thomas just nodded his head and followed the others’ actions.

All clasped their hands together and bowed their heads in the traditional way as Jona began. “We pray first af Faust, mother o’ Gaia and all her wonders. May she forever watch us ‘n’ guide our destinies true. We pray ta the alicorns. May they be forever blessed with wisdom ‘n’ strength in their struggles ta keep our world at peace. Amen.”

“Amen,” the others repeated and they began digging in.

“That was well said,” Silver complimented as she reached for one of the sandwiches Luna had made special for her; the patty was actual meat and not tofu like the others got. “We almost never pray around here, so that was quite refreshing.”

“Much obliged,” Jona accepted and grabbed a helping of scalloped potatoes.

Thomas frowned a little as he loaded his plate. “Is it impolite if I ask, you know, why you pray to someone who’s sitting right there?” He pointed with his fork across the table.

“Alicorns ‘re goddesses,” Plow said matter-of-factly. “It’s jus’ what yer supposed ta do.”

“In the beginning, my sister and I did all we could to help our little ponies grow and prosper,” Luna began. “Ponies praying to us like goddesses came naturally. We did not oppose it, as it helped to solidify our authority over the fractured tribes. Besides, after a time, we began to… I suppose hearing would be the closest equivalent. In any case, we were able to sense the prayers of our ponies, even from great distances. The words were unclear, unless spoken within a temple, but the sentiments behind them were a great source of inner strength, allowing us to push through the harder times.”

Thomas blinked and said the first thing that came to mind. “That’s pretty awesome.”

“Chh,” Jona scoffed. “If mah ma heard you talkin’ like that, she’d box yer ears.”

“Spoken from experience?” Honey teased as she slipped the first forkful into her mouth. “Mmmh, sweet Faust alive!” she gasped. “Who made the deviled eggs?”

Silver raised her hand and gave a friendly wave. “Present.”

Honey narrowed her eyes on the little bat. “Now Ah’m mad at ya fer not makin’ ‘em sooner. These are delicious!” To make her point she shoveled another bite into her mouth and grabbed three more off the central platter.

“Save yer breath,” Plow said disinterestedly before washing down his latest bite. “If’n there’s any feudin’ ta be had, it’s over these here brownies. They’re almost as good as what mah grand pappy used ta make.”

Surprise’s ear flicked irately. “Almost?”

“E’yup,” Plow agreed. “They’s fluffy enough, sure, but Ah think ya might o’ gone overboard with the sugar. They’re a little too sweet fer mah taste.”

“Blasphemy!” declared Surprise. “There’s no such thing as too sweet!”

“Oh shut up and eat your salad,” chided Silver dismissively.

Surprise pouted and nodded. “Fine.” She pointed her fork threateningly at Plow. “But you and me are gonna have words later.” She snorted and, after looks of warning from both Silver and Jona, resumed eating. “Too much sugar my pale white pucker,” she grumbled, startling a few chortles from the others.

Luna chuckled. “Since we seem to be speaking in turns, Plow.”

“Yes ma’am,” he replied with a snap.

“This broccoli salad of yours is simply exquisite.” She purred as she took another bite. “And are these candied apple slices in the mix?”

“No ma’am. Jus’ regular apples.”

Luna’s eyes narrowed. “Careful now, colt. It is unwise to lie to a Princess.”

Plow gulped audibly. “Ah ain’t lyin’, ma’am. They’s jus’ top grade Apple brand apples thrown in fer extra flavor.”

Luna tilted her head in consideration as she looked between Plow and an apple slice. “Be warned, my little pony. If I should learn that these are any less than the legendary fruits that have made your clan so well-known and respected, your dreams I shall plague ye with such tremendous visions of lust that your mares will never again know the full impact of your seed in their bellies.”

Jona’s head swiveled around, looking from face to face as her expression kept shifting between fear, confusion, and interest. “Can she do that?” she whispered to Honey. The green mare just shrugged.

“If I could, I definitely would,” chirped Surprise merrily. “It’s like the perfect blend of a friendly favor you give to ponies you like, and a devastating threat to keep your enemies in line.” She giggle-snorted. “I love it.”

“Ah was in the kitchen the whole time,” Honey said to Luna. “He didn’t do nothin’ special ta them apples. Ya have mah word.”

“Oh. Okay, then,” Luna said without even a trace of her prior malice and leaving Jona and Plow confused. “The offer still stands, if you want to give it a try for a few nights.”

Jona and Plow looked at one another. Both were in different states of shock at the Princess’ proposition. Eventually, Jona managed to turn her head to face the diarch and voice the only response that made sense. “We’ll think about it.”

“I’m thinking about it too,” Moonlight said, finally speaking up. “I’m also thinking about how this sandwich was made with such perfectly balanced toppings.” She sunk her teeth into the already half gone compression of bread, vegetables, and tofu. “It’s almost like it was made special just for me.”

“Really?” Luna asked, feigning ignorance. “Well that is certainly curious.”

“I must concur,” added Silver. “The fish patty in mine is cooked to perfection.”

“Mine’s a little smoky, but I guess its fine given what happened,” Surprise said.

“Speakin’ o’ which, why’s yers so small?” Jona asked while staring at Thomas. In particular, she was staring at how empty his plate looked compared to everypony else’s. “Look at ya. If that’s how ya eat all the time, it’s no wonder yer such a tiny little thing.”

“Don’t get me started,” Moonlight said. “I’ve been telling him the same for months, but he’s such a picky eater. Even the food he does like he barely nibbles on.”

“Hey,” whined Thomas. “Does this look like nibbling to you?” He held up the last remaining quarter of his sandwich.

“Given that it was originally only half the size of Silver’s? Yes,” Moonlight said flatly.

“It’s not my fault. I knew there’d be a lot of good food to try, so I needed to portion it out so I can get a little bit of everything.”

“We should hit the gym after we eat,” Honey interjected. “Wait a little fer our stomachs ta settle, then go get our bodies workin’. It’ll help the food digest and send the stuff where it’s supposed ta go.”

“Is that how it works?” Surprise asked. “I’ve always just eaten whatever I wanted and it all seems to go where it should on its own.” She squeezed her elbows under her chest to prop up her breasts for emphasis.

“Lucky,” grumbled Silver. “I’ve always eaten right and kept my body in tiptop shape, but this,” she gestured to her relatively small chest,” is all I’ve gotten for my trouble.”

“That’s just how some bodies are,” Thomas said. “Some’ll give you the perfect figure no matter what you eat; others almost seem to be conspiring against you. I heard how you eat is also important, like eating more slowly is supposed to be healthier.”

“Ya’ll still need ta eat more,” Jona asserted. “Put some meat on them bones.”

“Do apple fritters count? Because these are great.”

“That’s mighty kind o’ ya ta say,” Jona began as she smiled appreciatively at Thomas, “but don’t go thinkin’ Ah’m that easy ta butter up.”

Thomas smiled. “Okay. Then how about this? I don’t normally eat too many apples. It’s not that I dislike them, but just not something I’ll generally ask for. Even so, I kinda have to agree with Luna that you guys must be doing something extra with your apples.” He took another bite of the fritter. “These are delicious.”

Jona blinked and clucked her tongue. “Okay. Maybe Ah am that easy.”

“Speakin’ o’ which,” Honey began. “Ah know ya’ll ‘re usually guidin’ Luna in her cooking lessons ‘n’ all, but Ah never really took ya fer much o’ a chef.”

“Like my cake?” Thomas asked.

“Very much,” she said through her mouthful. “What’s it called again?”

“Thanks. It’s my mom’s recipe for German chocolate cake. Basically, whenever there was some sort of event at my mom’s work, or whenever we went to see distant relatives, pretty much everyone demanded that she make this cake. Even my one cousin, who hated chocolate, just loved it when my mom would bake this cake.”

“Tell us about it,” implored Moonlight. “I’d like to hear what your family was like.”

Thomas stared down at his food a moment, shifting it around with his fork. “Loud, for one. Loud and big. We used to go to my grandmother’s house all the time when I was little. Her living room was about the size of an average hotel’s lobby area, so it was about the only place the whole family could gather without needing to go out. Big family gatherings were pretty frequent, so I kinda just got used to being surrounded by a lot of noise.”

Honey chuckled. “Sounds nice, but you ain’t heard real noise ‘til ya’ve been to an Apple family reunion. Even out in the countryside we get noise complaints.”

“Well that’s just what happens when you get a big group together,” Moonlight cut in. “In my family, I have this aunt and uncle who would always try to out scream each other if they were left alone too long.”

“Yeah, but that’s still more than one pony,” Surprise added. “My dame likes to do this thing where she chugs a full carton of soda. When she burps, it’s deep enough to rattle bones.”

That got chuckles out of most everyone present, save one.

“Disgusting,” said Silver.

“Oh come on, Silver,” Surprise said, giving her friend a playful push. “Don’t be like that. Tell us something about your family.”

“There’s really nothing to tell. My family was always quite civil and dignified during mealtime.”

“Boo,” jeered Honey. “Tell a better story.”

Silver shrugged. “I would if I could. My family has always been well mannered. There is simply nothing to…” she trailed off, eyes widening in horror.

“Ah. Ya’ll jus’ remembered somethin’.”

“Spill.”

“Yeah. Tell us the story.”

“You know they’re not going to stop until you tell.”

Silver let out a long, tired breath and slumped in her seat. “Well, there was this… incident a few years back,” she began hesitantly. “My granddame has always loved shellfish, but they’ve never been terribly fond of her.” She licked her lips. “It was during a get-together with some neighbors that she noticed quite the delectable spread of crab. It started with just one, but she never had much in the way of impulse control. Most of us saw it coming. The rest of us heard the sounds her stomach was making. The only one who didn’t realize what was coming, was her. Unfortunately, by the time she realized and tried to excuse herself, it was too late.”

“She fart?” Plow deadpanned.

“If only,” Silver said, shaking her head with a look of abject horror on her face. “Whatever was in those damnable crabs, they’d turned my granddame’s insides into a biological weapon. We couldn’t clear the room fast enough. The unicorns amongst us tried to cast shields to keep the smell at bay, but they melted.”

“I’m sorry, what?” Moonlight asked, turning her head to one side while facing both of her ears towards Silver.

“You heard me. They melted. The fumes from my granddame’s backside were so corrosive that they actually eroded the magic in the shields, to say nothing of the wallpaper. The house had to be fumigated! And when all was said in done, the city actually passed an ordinance forbidding my granddame from ever eating shellfish again.”

Thomas wasn’t the only one snickering, but for some reason Silver decided to focus on him over the others.

“Oh, you can laugh, sure. You weren’t there! Your eyes didn’t feel like they were on fire while parents were screaming for their foals. In a single afternoon, my granddame made herself a living reminder to us all why most chemical weapons are outlawed.”

Even Luna had joined in the barely restrained mirth. “A reminder, perhaps, but nothing compared to the true reason such weapons are outlawed.”

All laughter and noise went dead silent, save for an odd sucking sound. Thomas turned his head, trying to find the source, but it seemed to be coming from all around him at once. With a wet sounding ‘fwt’ Thomas was reminded of something Moonlight had written in their story not too long ago. It was the sound of ponies’ anuses collectively puckering in fear, and it was making him nervous.

“There was this special plant that used to be quite popular among the minotaurs many centuries back,” Luna began, enjoying the looks of terror on her audience’s faces. “I will spare you the gory details, but to make a long story short, were it not for the expedient response of the medical staff and the good humor of the minotaur king, ponies and minotaurs might have gone to war, and it would have been Celestia’s fault.”

An uncomfortable silence followed. There was simply no response anyone could think to give to such a revelation. In time, Luna continued, barely restraining her amused grin. “Suffice to say, the plant was exterminated with much prejudice.”

Eventually, one pony worked up the nerve to speak first. “Are you buckin’ with us?” Honey asked.

Jona and Plow tensed. Honey had just accused the Princess of lying! What was she thinking? They didn’t know she had a death wish.

“What makes you say that?” Luna asked stoically.

“Jus’ that whole thing,” Honey said while gesturing wildly. “There’s no way that can be real. That’s jus’ some kinda urban legend, right?”

“If you doubt, I can recommend the book in the library for you to look up for yourself. All historical records refer to an incident believed to be caused by food poisoning. Yet, as you read, it becomes quite apparent how vague all the details are. Afterwards, no valid reason is given for why such a popular delicacy was so viciously destroyed. If you were the sort who believed in conspiracies, you might even believe that the histories were changed to protect all involved from mutual shame.” With a flick of her wrist, Luna stabbed her fork into one of the potatoes and plopped the whole thing in her mouth.

While the others were trembling at the alicorn’s implications, Honey did not feel the least bit deterred. “Fine. Tell me the book an’ Ah’ll go get it.”

“Honey,” hissed Jona. “You can’t be serious.”

“Ah can,” said Honey resolutely. “Ah’ve gotten a lot better with mah readin’. Ah even showed you.”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it,” growled Jona.

“Now I’m curious. I think I’ll come with you,” Moonlight said, standing up from the table.

Honey blinked. “Ya mean it?”

“That I’m curious whether or not the self-proclaimed biggest ass in the realm is pulling one over on us? You bet I am.”

“Careful what you say,” Luna warned, her eyes narrowing dangerously.

This was it. The moment it all came crashing down. Jona and Plow knew it. The goddess had been pushed too far and outright challenged. She would now unleash her terrible and divine wrath upon them all. They could only hope the flames of her… wait. Celestia was the one who did the flame thing, right? What was a moon goddess’ wrath like?

“I never said ‘biggest’, for I hold no delusions about my size. Mine is the finest ass in the realm,” Luna said with a surprising level of regality, dropping at least a couple of jaws. “And I challenge you to prove otherwise.”

Surprise held up her hands. “Wait guys. Don’t you see what she’s doing?” She waited, but no answers came. “She’s trying to distract us, trying to make us forget about Celestia’s nasty nasty farts. We can settle this by just agreeing that obviously I’ve got the nicest ass in the room.”

“Moonlight, these potatoes you made are just to die for,” Silver asserted loudly, hoping to derail this conversation before it ran away with them. “A family recipe I presume?”

“Hold on a sec,” Honey called as she fled to her bathroom. “Ah’ve got some measurin’ tape in ‘ere somewhere.”

“Seriously?” Surprise asked incredulously.

“Sure as shootin’ Ah’m serious. We’re settlin’ this here ‘n’ now.”

“No. That part was obvious. I mean the measuring tape in the bathroom,” Surprise clarified. “That just seems like a really weird place to keep it.”

“Says the mare who keeps rubber ducks in her mane,” countered Moonlight.

“Duh. For rubber duck emergencies, silly.”

Silver sighed her exasperation. “Yes, Moonlight. Don’t you know anything?” Since resisting the madness had failed, there was nothing else to do but embrace it.

Thomas raised his hand like a kid in class. “Can I volunteer for book retrieval duty?”

“I am afraid not,” Luna said, dashing the young man’s hopes of escape. “If there is to be a contest, the winner must be selected on qualities other than size, otherwise we need not bother.” Her grin was confident and her tone was borderline boasting. “We’ll need judges.”

“Found it,” announced Honey as she came back into the main room. “Who wants ta go first?”

In the end, the results of the impromptu competition were inconclusive. Measurements were taken, but there was simply too much argument over which qualities should be counted, such as muscle vs fat. As for what qualities were agreed upon, there was no consensus to be had over a standardized metric. Afterwards, Silver started arguing that the ass measurements should be adjusted so that the shorter mares could have a fighting chance. Jona agreed, but no one could figure out how the math was supposed to work.

Amidst the confusion, Moonlight managed to duck out of the room unnoticed and return with the history book Luna had described. The events within were essentially the same as what Luna had described. However, the way the author had recounted those events seemed to implicate some unnamed party, rather than Celestia. Luna, naturally, was evasive about the whole thing. Then the ass arguments picked back up. Plow started insisting that the implicit exclusion of stallions from the competition was discriminatory, and Thomas did his best to blend in with his environment and disappear. One thing led to another, someone – who probably wasn’t Thomas – threw a banana cream pie at Surprise. The pegasus brought events full circle by complimenting Honey on her apple dumplings.

As for the potluck itself, everyone agreed that it was a smashing success and that they should try it again sometime.

And that was the potluck chapter. Took me a long time to get going with this one. Even though I liked the idea and had it bouncing around my head for a while, it was just kicking my ass trying to implement it. I’d say I depicted everyone getting along well enough. And now with that out of the way, I’d say I’ve postponed the completion of the induction arc long enough.
If you like this content, and want to support me in exchange for early access, please check out my Patreon https://www.patreon.com/lordmep