…There are more than a million ways to break the mind. It only takes the faintest of whispers, soft and steady as the wind, to convince one that one is insane. It takes but the tiniest nudge in a suggested direction, the most harmless of actions, to reduce the fragile walls of the mind to rubble.

Hmhm. Even the most stalwart of individuals break in time; the greatest and most resilient of structures crumble and collapse to the earth eventually. With no foundation, no footing in your own life, let alone your place in this world, how can you hope to ever get any further than you have?

Your distress is succulent; your pain is my pleasure; your hatred sets aflame a burning zeal I’ve thought long gone. I will keep you alive for now so that you may continue writhing and clawing away for your pathetic existence for my amusement. I will see you very soon my tasty morsel~.

I could feel myself dazedly awakening, eyes heavy as I attempted to get my bearings.

“Hoo.”

I heard what seemed to be a command of some sort before a sudden explosion of pain erupted from the side of my face. I was definitely awake by then. And pissed. Let’s not forget pissed.

Tell me how you would feel if someone slapped the heavenly feeling out of your face to wake you up. That’s something a bunch of good-for-nothing friends would do to wake up someone who drank a little too much and was suffering the effects of a hangover. Not. Fun.

So me being the rational, down-to-earth kind of guy I am, with all the diplomatic powers of a warmonger on top of that, I conjured up the most reasonable, friendly response I could with a mind weighted down by both sleep deprivation and irritation:

“OW! Motherfucker! I will snap yo damn neck, dig yo grave, toss you in, an’ then piss on it as a final ‘Fuck you’ for the afterlife, ya heard!?” …I may have been exaggerating the geniality of my statement, now that I think about it…

Another loud smack echoed through the walls of wherever we were – it had great acoustics, by the way – followed by yet another cry of anger.

My bruised face ached as I finally opened up my eyes to stare into the face of the soon-to-be dead pile of trash that took it upon himself to so much as lay a finger upon my virgin face. Four more black orbs stared back.

“F-Four-Eyes?” I dumbly asked, feeling a slight surge of trepidation after seeing him again.

“Who you think you is, huh? You think you bad or somethin’, hittin’ up on sleepin’ dogs?”

“Hoo,” was his response, as per usual. He was still wearing that expressionless mask that he wore when the two of us exchanged blows, but I could see the faint shine of mischief once again painting the colorless canvas of his eyes.

Notice how I didn’t call it a fight? That’s because it was a little too one-sided to be considered a fight. It wasn’t even really an exchange of blows, either; it was mostly me getting my ass handed to me as I was tossed to and fro all over that picturesque field that belonged in an old karate movie. It wasn’t a fight, it was a massacre. Every move I made, it seemed as though this little monkey knew exactly what I would do, when I would do it, and how I would go about doing it before even I knew. That’s some scary shiz, bro.

I was taught how to fight through a few months of a boxing class and a few quarrels with the local punks of my old run-down neighborhood. I was a streetfighter who fought other people using my environment to my advantage – never play fair in a fight kids – while Four Eyes here was a martial arts master! How’s that fair!?

I was horribly outclassed. If there had been a crowd gathered to see us in our match of fisticuffs, they’d’ve booed us and demanded their money back, it was such a sad display. Now! On to the new and exciting topic of me not getting my shit kicked in by a monkey, I was getting my shit kicked in by a monkey. Sigh.

You know you’re gonna have a bad day when you’re woken up by getting slapped in the face by a primate. My day only got worse from there, however, as when I actually took the time to look around, I found the room was full of primates! They were all dressed in what appeared to be ceremonial white garbs – Four-Eyes being the only one undressed for some reason – and as I observed more of the room we were in, I noticed we were in a cave; it wasn’t just any cave, however, for there were lit candles that glowed eerie blue flames along the walls, dozens of hand-carved side rooms, and here, in the middle of it all, sat what appeared to be a throne room.

I could tell this was some sort of room for royalty because of the cliché red carpeting leading up to a throne, where an aged monkey that looked awfully similar to Master Pai Mei sat cross-legged. The Kung Fu King, as I took to calling him, had a magnificent beard that shone a pristine white, and his equally snowy hair was pinned up into a bun. The mofo even had Pai Mei’s giant, bushy eyebrows and his iconic apparel included.

I was on my knees in the middle of the room, surrounded by masters of combat, with my hands behind my back and a creeping headache making itself apparent due to the sheer exposure I’d had over the past twenty-four hours to tomfoolery.

My eyebrows furrowed as I spoke directly to the Kung-Fu King who peered down upon me through his impossibly thick eyebrows, observing me.

“So. You’re the King o’ Kung Fu? Name’s Ladarion. Now that the pleasantries are past us, can you politely show me to the nearest exit? I got things to do,” I surreptitiously began to work the bindings around my wrist, testing their sturdiness.

The Kung Fu King continued staring at me for a brief moment, staying silent the entire time.

“Well?” I snapped. “You gonna say somethin’ Master Mei, or am I just speakin’ for the sake of hearing my own voice?”

Four-Eyes once again raised his hand to strike me across the face before KFK halted him with a hand wave. Four-Eyes turned to the Kung Fu King, a surprised look etched onto his face before he bowed down to his knees in honor of his sensei’s wish. Didn’t stop him from giving me the evil eye when he once again stood, though.

I smiled a sweet smile in return before shrugging. “Them’s the breaks, bro. I know you’re positively aching to lay your banana-peelin’ fingers on me, but you better listen to what the boss man says, dig?”

Four-Eyes actually growled at me, leveling a deadly glare my way. I ignored him for the time being as I turned my attention back to the master of martial arts, raising my eyebrows toward the skinny figure.

“So are you gonna untie me or what?” I asked.

Still receiving no response, I found my patience beginning ebb away. The two of us sat there, him staring at me in interest and me staring back in mild frustration. Finally, with the wave of a hand, I felt my bindings come loose. I wasn’t even going to question that. This guy was likely the leader for a reason, and if he could cut through tough rope with his mind then I wasn’t going to risk becoming his next target. In all that I’d been through thus far, I didn’t need a Jedi as an enemy.

I kept my stare upon him, which he returned, as I rubbed my tender wrists with my hands. It didn’t even occur to me that a cold sweat had broken down my face due to the casual display of dominance. I attempted to speak once again, but my throat dried, making the words that crossed my lips emerge broken and warbled, much like a violinist who fails to play a proper note on their instrument.

The Kung Fu King bid me to rise with the motion of a hand, and so to my feet I stood. I felt naked under his gaze now, as though he could do whatever he wanted with me while I was helpless in comparison. Then returned the feeling of hatred I felt for being made vulnerable in this world. My gaze hardened, yet the sensei either didn’t notice or care as he stood, beckoning me to follow him into one of the side rooms.

I could have made a run for it, but with my lack of knowledge of the layout of the cave system, along with the guards and the Jedi, I didn’t think it would be wise to make any moves… yet.

I was followed by two of the personal guards of the Kung Fu King, distinguishable by their ornate gray garments and the presence of what looked to be undersized katanas on their persons, along with Four-Eyes as the leader walked in front of us through the winding tunnels of the cave.

The tunnels were dark and dank, the waxen, blue-flamed candles doing little to improve the lighting, and the bleak atmosphere was only accentuated by the echoes of our combined footfalls as well as the occasional sound of water hitting the cold, hard floor. The darkness wouldn’t have been a problem at any other time, but it seemed as though I had lost the fire-fruit at some point during my scuffle with Four-Eyes. Torn pockets tend to lose things like that. I still had my phone, fortunately, but I didn’t want to pull it out to shine the flashlight lest the monkeys take it for an offensive action or “appropriate” it.

The dim light would have to do for now.

After walking for what seemed to take hours, we finally approached another room. The interior, from the outside, glowed a ghastly red. I couldn’t stop myself from feeling an increasing sense of dread with every step I took for some reason, and the heat in my chest was amplified ten times over as we drew closer. I seemed to be on autopilot, my legs and mind going numb and simply shuffling after the Kung Fu King as his posse fell in step behind him also.

I could hear faint whispers in the wind that shouldn’t have run this deep within the cave system, my sight clouding slightly as we stepped into the forbidding room. Everything, from the whispers to the glow to the darkness, stank of foreboding. It all seemed so wrong. And then, as I strode to the middle of the room, still in a zombified trance, I gazed upon the source of all of this grimness: a pit.

The room was circular in structure, smoothed out by what I assumed were the monkeys, walls lined with eldritch candles approximately every three meters. Decorated upon the ground were the words of a language I did not believe existed and images of what appeared to be some sort of god-like figure “cleansing” the world with fire. The etchings were simplistic in nature, yet still very disturbing. In the middle of the room where I stood were three sets of stairs - each carved into the circular shape of the room - that descended down to a shallow pit that held the vile fluid.

KFK stepped to the side as Four-Eyes and one of the goons took up position on the other side of me, the last goon still behind. The Kung Fu King looked to me and pointed toward the glowing substance. Finally coming back to my senses as the fog in my mind cleared, my hair raised as alarms went off in my head.

“Oh hell naw! I ain’t steppin’ in that!” I said, slightly panicked, as I considered taking my chances by running for it. Even with KFK’s use of the Force, I’d be more inclined to get cut down running away from a bad situation than I would be to stare dumbly and allow whatever was gonna happen here go on without interfering.

The back of one of my legs was kicked in, leaving my on one of my knees as I shouted from surprise and pain. I would’ve made a move in retaliation for the goon’s dickishness, but the sharp set of cold steel pressed against my throat made me reconsider the wisdom of such an action.

With a nod from the Kung Fu King, the sword thankfully moved away; however, a hand found its way to the back of my head before forcing me down face-first into the fiery substance.

I kicked and flailed in my terrified state in an attempt to resurface, but the goon’s arm wouldn’t give up any ground. As the dreaded throes of agony once again made themselves known as the liquid was forced into my system, nearly drowning me in the process, my resistance only grew more desperate. My heart hammered rapidly against my chest as everything from the inside and out grew unthinkably hot. I felt as though my skin was being seared from the bone, as though my lungs were shriveling up into uselessness, as though my internal organs were becoming nothing more than mush. I’d experienced true hell twice.

Moments after, however, everything became numb; my legs and arms felt as though they were made of lead and my head felt as heavy as an anvil; my heartbeat went from nearly tearing itself out of my chest to a slow and steady rate of repetition. I could even breathe when my head was submerged, strangely.

It was then that I did lose consciousness once again, only to realize that I hadn’t retreated into my happy place as I usually did when asleep; instead, I found myself still in the room, only this time all the candles’ weird flames were extinguished and the monkeys all sat cross-legged, eyes closed and making no movements.

I looked back towards the pool, only to find that it had shrunken considerably. Although every part of my being called for me to turn around and run, I cautiously approached the small puddle, looking down upon it only to see my face being reflected off of its red surface. A bead of sweat slid down my neck before I took it upon myself to turn around and begin walking out of the circular room. Just as I was about to enter the tunnels, though, a familiar voice tickled my ears. It was the voice of my little sister.

I once again turned, letting my guard down as I sprinted back towards the puddle, the voice carrying from the pint-sized splatter upon the ground. I once again eyed the puddle as I dropped down to my knees, placing a hand into the curiously warm liquid. Memories flashed before my very eyes; memories of family and friends; memories of allies and enemies. These were memories of home.

Somewhere in the middle of my daze, though, that same sound of laughter returned. It was subtle at first, and I wasn’t even sure if I had heard it until it began to pick up in volume, deafening me as it surrounded me on all sides. Covering my ears did nothing to relieve the discomfort, for it carried on incessantly even in my mind.

Just as it was becoming unbearable, the laughter ceased. I felt myself relax as I pulled my hands away from my ears, only to find discontent as I spied blood upon my palms. All was quiet until I heard something splinter.

I very much wanted to crawl out of the tunnel while I still had time, but something compelled me to once again inch toward the puddle. For whatever reason, the crimson pond had frozen over, becoming as flat as the rock beneath it. Its surface radiated a blinding scarlet gleam from where the cracks had formed. As I continued staring on, apprehension present on my expression, the glassy-red material continued to fracture, each crack spider-webbing across the topmost part rapidly, leaving more and more light to shine brilliantly in the disk-shaped room.

Finally, when I could look no longer for fear that I would forever lose my sight, I heard a thunderous shatter. With the booming sound, I was tossed backwards backward across the room, the monkeys oddly unaffected. Pain shot up my back as I collided with the wall, me shouting out an expletive as I hit the ground once again.

I had landed face down when I heard chuckling, pulling my head up to gaze upon some form of spirit. It was red and shapeless, but it definitely had functioning vocal chords somehow. The chuckling escalated into full-blown psychotic laughter as the creature floated in place; I was steadily worming my way to the room’s exit as the spirit continued guffawing. Just as I had once again reached the way out, though, the laughter cut off.

I turned around to find the spirit staring right at me.

As I stayed in place, hoping that it wouldn’t see me if I made no sudden movements, a cruel smile crept along the spirit’s face before it said something that turned my blood to ice:

“Hello, my tasty morsel~.”

Caught in the spirit’s malicious gaze, I could feel my brain nearly shut down as I stared at it speechlessly. The same as earlier, it didn’t feel as though I was in complete control and a haze once again clouded my mind.

“I’ve yearned to meet you vis-à-vis, mortal,” said the spirit, that same fiendish smile plastered across its, or his if the masculine tone was anything to go by, face. “A pleasure to make your acquaintance. You may call me…Salamsala.” A small chuckle escaped from the spirit’s lips as he floated towards me.

“…” I responded as loud as I could with my jaw dropped. I slowly began to backtrack as he advanced.

“My oh my, what an interesting conversationalist you are. We are not here for small talk, though, so allow me to ask you this: do you know why you are here?” he queried. When he got no response, his smile broadened. “Well, you are here with one objective in mind: continue living. Continue to upset the balance of this already volatile world in order to ascertain my freedom from my shackles. And when all is in place, you must be the one to release me. That is all that is required of you.”

I shook my head, clearing it of the fog. “W-what’s in it for me, huh? Living, I plan on doin’ anyway. Upsetting the balance is sure to happen if the only other things in this world are wild animals or talking ponies, but I don’t plan on bein’ here for too long. Ascertaining your freedom, though? I don’t owe you a damn thing, so why would I want to do that?” I demanded.

“Because if you do not, if you prove to be worthless to me, here you will die,” Salami answered as red electricity began to dance across his…claws. “Do I make myself clear?”

Now somewhat pissed off at his arrogant attitude, I felt all the apprehension I felt but a moment before melt away as my heart once again glowed. “Transparent. And not just because o’ the fact that you’re a formless ghost, but because I can already tell how much of a prick you are after just three seconds of conversation. Demandin’ from me when you ain’t doin’ nothin’ for me? Fuck that!” I jumped up as I continued my rant.

“Kill me, if that’s the case! Strike me down! If you can replace me, then have fun with that, and if you can’t then you’s screwed unless you give me a reason to even want to help your sorry ass.” I stared right up at Salami then, my anger fueling my speech. “If you think you so powerful, then why the hell would you need my help to get outta here anyway you pompous punk? Must take some real balls – not like you have ‘em from what I’m seein’, though – to strong-arm weaker beings into doing your will, you lazy brat,” I was encouraged to finish strong by the expression that bordered on shock and enragement on Salami’s face.

“My sister is more of a man than you is. She at least knows to pick on people her own size. So fuck you, fuck everything you stand for, fuck everyone you crossed on the street, and fuck your mother and the rest of yo next of kin. Ladarion is leavin’ the building unless you have something you else need to say,” I shouted. I never said I was the smartest man around.

Salamsala fumed for a few seconds; though he was formless, I could see his glowing eye twitching as electricity jumped sporadically from claw to claw. Even his smile dipped into a deep scowl. I couldn’t tell much else about his body language considering those were the only prominent body parts that showed, but I’m pretty sure all of them were pointing toward him getting ready to zap me until I was reduced to a pile of charred remains and Timberland boots.

Though I stood defiantly, sweat began to run down my face as I realized that I very well could have sealed my fate in a bout of childishness. Didn’t matter, though. I’d make a sexy burn on the floor anyway. I was honestly about sick of having to deal with this world by now, so I was satisfied that I’d go out like a real OG, minus the crying as my blood was turned to pink vapor if the spirit decided to fry me on the spot.

“I will not lie, I did not expect that. Such an interesting individual you are, stubborn and stupid. I could very well reduce you to your atomic state, but you are correct, I am in need of your services,” admitted Salamsala as the lightning in his paws lost their intensity.

“And I ain’t interested. I got shit to do before the weekend’s over, and going outta my way to aid a churlish spirit ain’t on my to-do list,” I retorted. I was surprised I wasn’t turned into microwaved take-out, but I wasn’t going to act like I was thankful for being spared by something with as much of an ego as Salami obviously had regardless of how shocked I was.

“Ah, but I have an offer that you cannot refuse,” Salami said. I had turned around and begun walking away before I heard this, curiously turning back towards him.

“And what would that be?” I inquired.

“From what I have gathered, you do not belong here. You see, I am fueled by emotion, particularly negative emotions such as hate, distrust, and pain, to name a few. I have never felt such a surge of power, such a surge of emotion as I ever have when you arrived. Even but a moment ago, when you defied me, your outrage granted me power still.”

“Yeah? Well, you gonna keep beating around the bush or are you gonna get to the point?”

Salamsala smiled a wicked smile. “Truly I have never met a being such as you. No other would so much as breathe a word of contempt toward me. I believe we are going to get along quite nicely~.”

“Yes, I’m the chosen one-of-a-kind moron that comes along only once in a lifetime and I’m your only hope at freedom. I get that. Now, the point. As in why should I care?” I coolly responded. I was honestly growing a little impatient. I can’t believe I was intimidated by this fruit cake!

That smile grew larger and larger as my frown did the exact same. “Patience, young Padawan. I am getting to that right now. Are you interested in returning home? For I can offer this to you in return for my liberation.”

I went from agitated to hopeful in all of one second. I almost hopped in the air and shouted out for joy at having a means for leaving this wretched place for someplace familiar, but my proclivity for cynicism brought me right back down to earth.

“That’s… tempting. As in very tempting. You seem like the conniving type, though. You’re locked up in here for a reason, and I don’t want to go releasing assholes into a world, even if I don’t really give a damn about this place, before I learn about why they were imprisoned. If I find out that you’re trying to trick me in any way, shape, or form, this deal will be over before it began. I’ll simply find another spirit that happens to be less of a dick to transport me safely back home if that’s the case. The minute you step outta line, I’m through with you, ya heard?” I demanded.

Salamsala’s smile only grew wider, however. “I cannot tell you of the reasons behind my imprisonment, but I can tell you this: only two beings know of the transdimensional spell required to cross planes. There are also only two beings who have the sheer power required to perform such a spell. I am one of the beings that know of this spell, the other being a pretty pony princess named Celestia.” I pretty much tossed that option out of the window the moment I heard it. “She seems to be quite occupied at the moment, however. The only reason I’m able to be as active as I am at this moment is because there seems to be some… tension, for lack of a foreboding word, going on between her and some large foreign group,” he stated.

“ If you help me gather my power, I will return you to your home. However, if you want my word for that, you must take my paw so that we may shake on this deal,” Salami said as he extended a paw-like extremity.

I weighed the information in my mind. Salami could have been lying, but I was uncertain. All that I did know was that I wanted to go home and that this opportunity would likely not come again too soon. It seemed the most logical to go through with this “deal” of Salami’s than walking back through that damned forest to talk to some political figure that would in all likelihood either turn me into a court jester for my alien looks or possibly vaporize me when I caused an uproar in her country by simply walking through to speak to her. I didn’t even know where that princess’s castle was.

It was with this thought in mind that I decided I would go with the more assured way of going home.

“Say that I have your word first,” I stated.

“You have my word,” he answered, paw still extended.

“A’ight, then,” I said as I reached over to place my hand in his paw. “I’m in.”

The moment those words left my mouth, though, electricity shot forth from Salamsala’s paw and into me. It was certainly surprising, but it was nowhere near as painful as the fiery liquid I was forced to imbibe earlier. I grit my teeth as I took the shock like a man, thankful that I had recently shortened my hair at the local barber of my old city before arriving here.

When it was over, the spirit was once again gone, and I felt my eyes growing heavy once more.

---

I awoke in the real world to find Four-Eyes staring into my eyes, his face uncomfortably close to mine. I stared back before asking: “Yo, whattup? Lookin’ to make out or somethin’?”

That was meant to be taken as a joke, but for some reason Four-Eyes’ eyes took on a whole nother level of creepy, mischief still dancing about within them.

“Hoo,” he answered as a smile tugged at his lips. He moved closer to me, making me even more uncomfortable before I placed a hand on his chest to keep him from moving any closer.

“It’s a joke, dammit! You ain't got a snowball's chance in hell!”

I was answered with more laughter as Four-Eyes fell onto his back, clutching his stomach. I wanted to punt the little jerk, but remembered where violent action would likely get me when I recalled that I was still surrounded by karate masters. I settled on quietly simmering instead.

When I pulled myself to my feet, I walked over to the steps to notice that there was no longer a fiery pond at the bottom of them. All that I could see was a small red rock lying in the center.

The Kung Fu King was inspecting it, too, and moved to pick it up. With the rock in his hand, he rotated it around to check every part of it before walking over to me and holding it out.

“…What?” I lamely asked. “You want me to take that? I don’t wanna touch that thing!”

As the goons placed themselves behind him, I quickly changed my mind. “Y-you know what? I forgot I absolutely love…colored rocks that serve no purpose,” I said as I snatched the object from KFK’s hand before his goons decided to demonstrate how sharp those katanas of theirs were. I pocketed it as the others began walking back out of the room. Finally. I know I haven’t mentioned it in a while, but not being able to feel the tugs of the sun and that bright star was beginning to wear on my mind. Ever since I’d been down in these tunnels I couldn’t tell what time of day it was, and for some reason that made me very anxious.

I moved to follow the posse, Pai Mei’s monkey twin leading from the front, as we once again traversed the dark caves.