"La-la-la-la-la. La-la-la-la-la!" I sang with my sex raptor vocal cords out my sex raptor mouth as I skipped through the putrid, corpse filled streets of Canterlot with my big sex raptor legs. Did I mention I'm a sex raptor? Because I feel I need to mention that since someone decided not to mention me for three fucking chapters! IT'S MY STORY ETHESTO YOU FUCKTARD! NOT GORLOK 12'S! I'LL MURDER YOU! AND WHO THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO NOT TYPE A NEW CHAPTER FOR LIKE 9 WEEKS?!

Sorry, I lost my cool for a second there. Oh who am I kidding? I'm cool even when I'm angry, but that's not important right now. As I was saying I was skippin' through the putrid, corpse filled streets of Canterlot. It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, as Mr. Rogers would say. Despite the horrible smell of rotting flesh and the blood caked on literally every available surface, I was having a good time.

Before you say anything, yes, it's because I fucked Celestia. How can I be unhappy after that? I just hope she's not too upset when she finds out that I have herpes. But I'll deal with that later. Or perhaps not. If everything works out, I'll be out of this shitty pony world long before she realizes she acquired an STD. In the mean time, I needed to find Dance Blaster.

I gotta call him off so we can focus our combined might on the real enemies. Which is to say the cat birds, bug ponies, fish ponies, and whatever the fuck else come to pick a fight with us. Because god knows we don't have enough problems already.

I hopped merrily through the roads with Steve at my side, the sound of screams and weapons clashing adding a pleasant ambience to the air. Things may look shitty here, but I remain optimistic.

"How are we even going to find Dance Blaster?" Asked Steve, who was enjoying everything significantly less than I was.

"Will you relax? I planted a tracking device in Dance Blaster's skull while he was asleep once." It's amazing that he didn't wake up, the drill I had to use was really noisy. And then blood started gushing everywhere and it was just a disaster. I don't even want to think about that right now.

"Alright, how do we track him then?" Asked Steve, getting right to the point.

I rubbed the back of my neck nervously with one claw. "Hehe... The problem is... I kinda planted the tracking device in his skull... You know, instead of the part that you track." It was an honest mistake.

"Honestly, I'm not even surprised. After spending so much time with you, I think I'm desensitized to stupid shit."

"Now that's the spirit!" I patted him on the back. "Once you learn to accept the stupid shit you can move on and do more important things with your life. Like becoming a sith lord." I rubbed my claws together and began cackling to myself. "Yes, harness the stupid. Let the power of stupid coarse through your veins!"

"Anyway... How are we supposed to find Dance Blaster? Wandering through this city randomly wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to do it along side a big retard."

"That's easy." I said with a flick of my wrist. A gesture of 'brushing off' his question. You know, since it's so easy. Even with that wrist flick, though, I still answered his question. "He's right over there."

Sure enough, Dance Blaster was like a block away in the middle of a huge group of spy crabs and riding on the back of Sprinkles. They were currently fighting an assortment of different creatures, mostly bug ponies.

"Oh. That was easy." Remarked Steve as he pressed his built-in easy button.

With a skip and a hop the group of us was close enough to start a pleasant conversation. "Hey yo Dance Blaster!" I called out, instantly getting his attention. "We need to talk for a minute."

He let out an over exaggerated sigh, as though talking to my was a chore, before coming over to our group. "What? I was having a pleasant time marching my army through the streets and murdering everyone and I'd very much like to get back to that."

"We got a change of plans. Celestia and I teamed up. The ponies are no longer our enemies."

"How did you manage that?" He asked.

Steve answered that for me. "The two of them banged." Dance Blaster nodded his head in understanding.

"I was rather enjoying killing ponies." He said in a distraught tone, hanging his head in sadness.

I moved forward and put a claw on his shoulder in a comforting gesture. "Buck up, sport. We still get to kill bug ponies and all that other shit. Just not the normal, pure-bread ponies."

His eyes instantly lit up with joy. "Do you really mean it?"

"Of course. Now rally your army, we have a whole bunch of random shit to kill." He happily hopped back to his mount, eager to get back to slaughtering his enemies.

"So... Now what?" Asked Steve. I thought it was pretty obvious.

"Now we go murder the fuck out of everything. What else?" I didn't even wait for his, no doubt, witty response. I ran into the brawl between all the random creatures and the spy crabs, instantly picking up a bug pony and slamming it down on my knee. Steve soon joined me, kicking heads in with his metal limbs while the demonic conch did his thing. And by 'thing' I mean converting things into lemon-aid.

Even Stephen was there, slicing stuff to bits with his overly-large sword. It was such a joyous time, slaughtering countless enemies with my friends. Unfortunately for our enemies, they weren't nearly organized enough, nor did they have the sufficient fire power, to take us down.

Within a matter of minutes, most of the enemy forces in the immediate area were either fleeing or dead, leaving the streets around our horde of spy crabs safe for the time being. I decided to get a damage report before something else comes out and attacks us. "Hey Dance Blaster!" I called out once again. "How's the army doing anyway?"

"Meh. Most of the undead animals either got stepped on or killed in some other way and at least half the spy crabs are dead. So, not too bad." He said with a shrug.

I decided the appropriate response would be to shrug back. "I prefer to think of it as 'half the spy crabs are alive', but that's just me. Either way, I guess that's good enough. I don't know shit about commanding an army."

"Hey Paul, break times over. We got an airship coming in hot." I looked up to see what looked to me like an average-temperature air ship that had flown past the castle and was bombarding the city randomly with its onboard cannons.

"How do you know it's hot?" I questioned, trying to remember if I installed a temperature gauge in him.

"It was a figure of speech." He deadpanned. "Now stop fucking around, we have to do something about that."

"We'll get the apache helicopters to shoot it down. Problem solved."

"Ugh... About that..." Said Dance Blaster nervously. "The helicopters are kinda not an option anymore."

I gave him the most serious look I could manage. "Not an option? They're god damn mother fucking ass raping apache helicopters. They're ALWAYS an option!"

"Well... Once we got into the city, they got swarmed by all kinds of flying creatures. All but two of them exploded, and the remaining two are out of fuel, I think. We parked them down the street a little ways back since they weren't working anymore."

"Oh yeah. I forgot that they use fossil fuels..." I sighed. "I suppose even helicopters need a weakness, though. Otherwise they'd be OP. And you know what they say about OP."

"That he's a faggot?" Asked Steve.

"Exactly."

"So... What are we going to do about that airship?" Continued Steve, clearly hoping to get this conversation back on track.

"Same thing we do about everything. We kill it!"

"Its made out of wood and metal. Neither wood nor metal are alive, therefore we can't 'kill it' like you said." Responded Steve like the know-it-all that he is. Always trying to make me look stupid... Two can play at that game.

"Yes, but wood and metal are made form trees and trees were at one point alive. If we can kill trees, we can kill airships." I pointed out with my infallible logic.

"I think you may be on to something..." Said Dance Blaster.

"Indeed. It's simple, we fly up there and kill the crew or break anything that looks important. Then when we're done we can have ice cream to celebrate."

"Damn you and your ice cream... But I can't argue with that plan." Stated Steve in approval of my amazing planing skills. "Hop on!"

I turned to Dance Blaster before mounting Steve in the least sexual way possible. "You continue... Doing whatever it is you do..." And with that we rocketed into the sky, a trail of delicious rainbows following in our wake. Once we were high enough, we curved downward, pointing directly at the airship. Unfortunately, our approach wasn't subtle in the least bit, so they saw us coming at them. A small flock of sea ponies with wings flew off the deck of the ship, clearly hoping to knock us out of the air.

Sadly, their lack of understanding of physics would be their downfall. You see, Steve is a heavy, metal pony rocketing through the air while they are made of squishy and light meat. "Hold on!" He shouted over the sound of the wind. A moment later we collided with several of the fish pegasi who simply thudded against Steve without much affect. I was leaned down pretty low, holding onto Steve for dear life at this point, when one of the fish ponies rammed into my back.

"Shit fuck!" I called out. That was going to leave a bruise in the morning...

After a few moments we leveled out, coming in towards the deck of the airship. It literally looked like a big wooden boat, but with a huge balloon on top. Not very creative if you ask me. Steve attempted to slow down, but even so, we came in a bit too fast. There was an obnoxious scratching sound as his hooves ground a trench in the wooden deck, quickly pulling him to a stop.

Sadly, physics is a cruel mistress, and him suddenly slowing down threw me off of his back. I did a front flip in mid-air, which would have been cool had I not landed on my back. Right where I got hit by that fish pegasi... Ouch... With a grunt I pulled myself up, instantly noticing the dozens of fish ponies all over the deck staring at us in confusion. They literally looked like different kinds of fish, but with pony legs and either horns, wings, or neither.

Needless to say, they looked creepy as shit. They continued to gape at me, or perhaps that's just how they always look, being fish and all, and I took advantage of that. I pulled out my syringe pistol and leveled it al the nearest fish pony while spouting a witty one-liner. "Tonight you sleep with the fishes'." Ok. It wasn't witty in the slightest bit... But I tried. And in the end, isn't that all that really matters?

I then fired a syringe directly in between its eyes. I couldn't help but feel a little smug about my gosu aiming skills. Even if it was only a few feet away. Unfortunately, the assault of one of their own seemed to pull the fish ponies out of their shock, and they charged me wielding an assortment of cutlasses, knifes, and classic looking pistols in their hooves.

It was at that point that I saw the captain, wearing a huge weather-beaten hat with a feather poking out with an eye-patch and even a fish-parrot on one shoulder. Everything instantly became very clear. These weren't ordinary fish ponies... These were pirate fish ponies! Maybe they'll have treasure for me to loot.

I could worry about that later, though, at the moment there was an entire crew of angry pirate fish ponies bearing down on me. I pulled out my sword with my other claw and jumped into the battle. Thankfully, their aim with the pistols was atrocious. I guess I can attribute that to that fact that they're using hoofs to aim. Not to mention I was moving all over the place and guns that old aren't very accurate.

I continued slicing through fish pony after fish pony and filling them with deadly neurotoxin with my pistol, but there were quite a few of them. At least, like every other enemy we've faced, they weren't particularly well trained and their armaments just weren't up to snuff when dealing with a sex raptor. Medieval weaponry just isn't going to cut it against someone as amazing as me.

After about a minute, their ranks were finally beginning to thin out and I was able to catch a glimpse of the captain at the back of the ship fiddling with some kind of door in the deck. Probably in some hope to escape below. Doesn't he know he can't run from me?

I soon realized that he wasn't trying to escape when he pulled a big lock off the doors. They instantly flew open, knocking the captain out of the way as dozens of breadfish burst out into the air. They flew in circles around the boat as the entire herd of no less than fifty streamed out of their holding cell. However, the lead fish soon focused its attention on me.

The hateful look in its black and yellow, soulless eyes was enough to confirm that it meant nothing but harm. "Steve!" I called out, managing to pull his attention away from the fish ponies whom he was beating mercilessly with his metal hooves. They wanted nothing more than to run away at this point.

"What?" He yelled back.

"Tell me, have you seen the marvelous breadfish?" He looked up and instantly spotted the many marvelous breadfish who all had their angry gazes fixed on us.

"He's like an inverse sandwich..." He responded.

"Indeed."

Sadly, our charades couldn't go on forever. Breadfish are patient creatures, but that patience only extends so far. Now that we were done with our lame conversation it was time for blood. They charged at us through the air in ranks of four.

I was quick, though, as always. I rolled to the side, avoiding their deadly assault. "Ha! You missed!" I shouted smugly. Yes 'smugly'. That's a word. Sadly, my rein of smugness wouldn't last forever as the breadfish had hardly even scratched the surface of their true power. Their bread bellies folded open and out slid an assortment of metal appendages, each hosted some type of sharp object. The sides of their bread-loaf bodies extended revealing a pair of jet turbines which would surely allow them to reach supersonic speeds.

"Well shit..." I said. The bread fish instantly broke formation, flying around randomly as they came at me. I jumped out of the way as one tried to slash me with a knife only to run into another that jabbed me with a needle arm. "Ouch." I said, slapping the offending breadfish away with the butt of my pistol. Another came at me, swinging a ball and chain on one appendage and a pair of meathooks on the other.

I jumped up, avoiding the deadly weapons on its underside, and kicked it in the side of the head. The breadfish spun out before hitting the deck and exploding in a magnificent fireball. Unfortunately, I made a mistake. The air was their domain, and the breadfish would not simply let them tread into their territory uncontested. While I waited for gravity to bring me back down to the deck, the breadfish swooped at me. I swung my sword out in an attempt to fend them off, but it was in vain. One of them flew by, slicing a few scales off my shoulder with a razor while another poked me in the chest with a knife. It hit the chest plate of my armor, causing it to slide off before cutting along the underside of my arm.

I then landed on the deck, glad to be out of the air where they reigned supreme. I ducked low to avoid another attack while taking pot shots with my syringe gun. At least the syringes were able to pierce their soft exteriors easy enough, but they were hard to hit. Another came at me with a spiked club on one arm only to get hit by a bolt of lightning. It instantly exploded for some reason.

I turned to see Steve firing randomly at them with his lightning gun. It seemed pretty affective as he was surrounded by the charred corpses of at least a dozen breadfish. However, he was covered in various dents and scratches from where the bread fish had struck him. As I watched, one with a tiny chainsaw on its arm flew past and cut a thin gouge through his side.

I turned around right in time to see another breadfish flying at me. Thankfully, their tactics were rudimentary at best or we'd be in trouble. I simply delivered a kick directly into its face, launching it back a short ways where it exploded. I saw another coming at me from the corner of my eye, only for it to fall to the ground in a pool of blood.

"Got one..."

"Finally." I told my conch companion, "I thought you were just going to sit here all day doing nothing."

"Do you think it's easy turning things into lemon-aid? I'll have you know it's very complex. Have you ever done it? Didn't think so."

"If I tried I'm sure I could." I told him, mostly to piss him off.

"Pshh... Like, whatever, man."

Just then, the breadfish pulled away, their numbers now reduced by nearly half. They hovered above our heads, looking angry. Then, one breadfish flew forward slightly. This one was clearly the leader. It opened its mouth and out flowed a heavenly voice. It sounded like blue. "It seems we have underestimated you. No matter, you may have defeated us here, but know this. Breadfish do not forgive and breadfish do not forget. It may not be today or tomorrow, but one day we will come for you. Our numbers will darken the sky as we rain death upon all who would dare appose us. But rest assured, your death will not be swift. We fill find you, and we will make you suffer. We will break you, and when everything you have ever loved has been brutalized beyond recognition we will kill you. Expect us." With that, it turned and flew away along with the rest of the breadfish.

I was momentarily shocked, before I started snickering to myself. "Jokes on them, I don't love anything."

"What about me?" Asked Steve.

"Ha!" I laughed in his face. "I wouldn't love you with a thirty-five and a half foot pole."

"Well I'd hope not. That sounds painful at best."

"Anyway, let's finish this. We can just crash the ship at this point since I'm sure there'll just be more fish ponies below deck trying to kill us." I walked over to the steering wheel, or whatever it's called, and tried to figure it out. It looked pretty similar to that of a normal ship, but there were some levers to change altitude and turbine speed. I simply steered the ship towards the cliff above Canterlot and then punched the acceleration.

"Now let's get the figgity-fuck outa' here before we crash!" I told Steve as I once again jumped onto his back. We flew out of there and landed a safe distance away to watch. The ship crashed into the rock face with a loud crack that could be heard over even the sounds of battle. Then, like everything else, it exploded in a massive display of light and fire. Clearly their stores of gunpowder helped out in that regard.

Then there was another cracking sound as the cliff broke apart in an avalanche of huge boulders. They rained down, smashing several buildings below and kicking up dust for blocks around. I cringed a bit at the damage. Thankfully, this isn't my city. I want nothing to do with the cleanup efforts.

"Well, what a glorious victory that was." I said while looking back to the battlefield. My gaze instantly locked on the castle in the distance where dozens more of those airships hovered around it, firing their cannons willy nilly. "Fuck my life. There is literally no way I'm dealing with all those..."

You might be thinking that by now the shit had already hit the fan. That there's no way that the situation could get more fucked up. Well, if you were thinking that, then you clearly forgot about the tentacle ponies. I sure did. So it was a surprise to everyone when the entire city began to rumble.

It continued to rumble for a few minutes and I was starting to wonder if the whole city would just fall off the cliff at this point. I mean, how much abuse can one city take? Of course, those thoughts were set aside as the building in front of me sudden collapsed on itself. It was quickly shred apart by a huge drill that pierced its way through the ground. After a few moments it stopped spinning, but it wasn't over yet. No, giant drills clearly aren't bad enough.

Once it stopped spinning, it split open into four segments which spread out and pushed its two-story tall cylindrical body off the ground. Protrusions then folded out from its sides, one stretching out into a long barrel while the other formed into a claw with what looked like a flame thrower attacked to it. The front of it slid open, revealing a set of camera-like devices that scanned the immediate area before focusing on Steve and I.

"Seriously?" I asked while waving my arms around for emphasis. The whole situation was only made worse as tons of tentacle ponies clad in armor and wielding all kinds of guns started crawling out of the hole accompanied by a swarm of various types of robots. "What the fuck?!" This was just too much... I mean, really? "What the hell am I supposed to do about this?"

Steve inched towards me as we were surrounded by hundreds of enemy soldiers. "Perhaps we should go somewhere else to wonder that." He whispered.

I nodded in agreement. "That sounds like a pretty good plan all things considered." I suddenly jumped onto his back and kicked him with my spurred heals, prompting him to bolt off into the sky. The enemies instantly opened fire, trailing after us with a mixture of bullets and lasers. I looked back and blew a raspberry at the stupid enemy army that couldn't even hit us.

"Lawl! Noobs L2 aim!" I called out. I then noticed the huge drill robot aiming its longer arm directly at us. "OH SHIT! EVASIVE MANEUVERS!"

Steve got the idea and began swerving in the air, narrowly avoiding a projectile from the robot that continued on before exploding in the air. We flew down lower, getting cover from the buildings before it could fire at us any more. Even from our lower altitude, I could see more of those drill robots coming up all over the city.

"This is bullshit. How are we supposed to beat that?" I asked Steve, as though he would know the answer.

"I don't know. Let's rendezvous with Dance Blaster and try to figure something out." I couldn't think of a better idea, so I was inclined to agree with him. We flew low to avoid any more anti-air fire and soon came to the spot where Dance Blaster and the army was previously at. Unfortunately, by the time we arrived, the spy crabs were already engaged in epic combat with the tentacle pony forces.

Actually, it was less of combat, and more of a massacre. The tentacle ponies' superior weaponry was easily cutting through entire ranks of spy crabs. Most of the spy crabs were in full retreat with Dance Blaster at the head of the group running for his life. Then I spotted Stephen. It wasn't hard since he towered over everyone else. Before I could do anything, he was struck directly by an RPG which instantly blew him to little tiny zombie bits.

"NOOOOOOOO!" I cried out. Those assholes killed Stephen! Well, he wasn't really alive, so I guess they didn't kill him, but I'm still upset. Ok, I'm not really that upset. He was pretty much just a big meat monster anyway. His personality was nonexistent. Not to mention, he smelled pretty bad. Now that I think about it, I'm glad he's gone. Then I realized that Sprinkles wasn't with Dance Blaster.

I scanned the battlefield quickly with my mega eyes and spotted a big manticore-shaped lump. Now I was really sad. "No! They killed Sprinkles! Not my kitty cat!" Killing someone's pussy is a real low blow... Oh well, I can worry about that later, for now we got to do something before everything completely goes to shit. Well, more so than it already has.

"Let's go get Dance Blaster and figure something out." I told Steve. Without another word we flew over to the necromancer who was still fleeing. I quickly grabbed him and we escaped into a nearby building where we would be moderately safe. At least safer than we would be outside.

"Alright, well stuff went downhill really fast..." I said. The sound of gunshots and explosions outside had replaced the previous sounds of battle. "How are you doing Dance Blaster?"

I now noticed that he was clenching his chest with one hoof. He pulled it away to reveal a hole that was hemorrhaging blood everywhere. "Well..." He deadpanned in an extremely raspy voice. "I aint doin' so well sarge."

"Aww shit. You're hit soldier! MEDIC!" I got up and tried to cover up his wound in some attempt to stop the bleeding, but he grabbed my claw in his magical hoof-grip.

"It's too-." He coughed up a big wad of blood before continuing. "It's too late for that. I've already lost like twelve gallons of blood."

"No, it can't be too late! How many gallons of blood does the average pony have?" I looked around for something to use as a bandage.

"Like two to three courts..." He answered before coughing a bunch. "I was being sarcastic by the way."

"Oh..." I said lamely. "Well, you're not dying on me soldier! I already lost my kitty cat and Stephen, I'm not losing you too!"

"There's a fucking hole in my chest... I don't even know how I'm still alive explaining this to you..."

"Can't you use your necromancy to revive yourself again or something?" I asked hopefully.

"No. I'm already undead, I can't just keep reviving myself over and over again. That would be stupid..." Well that sucks. "Listen, before I die, I need to tell you something. Come closer." I moved closer to him. "Closer..." I put my ear right next to his head to hear what he had to say. Then he spat in my ear and made a fart noise with his mouth.

I instantly pulled away, reaching up to rub my now wet ear-hole. "What the fuck man?!" However, he couldn't answer that, as he was dead. What a dick... I stood up, dropping the dead body on the ground, and turned to Steve. He looked like he was having trouble deciding whether he should be sad or laughing.

"Fuck you too." I told him while trying to clean all the spit out of my ear with my pinkie claw.

"That was hilarious." He pointed out. He wouldn't think it was so funny if I spat in his ear-hole... "And also kinda sad. Now I'm stuck with just you and that dumb conch. Why couldn't you have died instead?"

I gave him a hurt look, but he just laughed in my face. My friends are all dick bags. "Whatever. Let's just get revenge on those tentacle ponies. That will make everything better."

"How do you plan on doing that? They kicked everyone's collective ass in a matter of minutes."

"I don't know. Why am I always the one who has to come up with the plans?" Of course, there was no time for planning as the door burst open and in ran a fucking infiltration team of tentacle ponies. "Hit the deck!" I called out, jumping behing a couch.

Just in time too, one of the tentacle ponies unloaded an assault rifle into the area where I was just standing. Before he could reload or move aside for more tentacle ponies, I jumped over the couch, landing on his beck and biting down on his neck. A quick twist of my head and his neck snapped. At the same time, I kicked out at the pony right behind the downed pony, hitting him in the top of the head before he could aim his shotgun at me.

Before he could get his bearings I jumped away and took off running towards the back of the house. "Let's get the fu-fu-fuck outa' here man!" Steve didn't need to be told twice, he was right behind me in a moment. We ran out the backdoor and down a few alleys before hiding in a dumpster.

I peeked out, not seeing anyone pursuing us. I breathed a sigh or relief. "Today sucks... At least we got away." I was now regretting not building any WMD's while I lived in Ponyville. Those would really come in handy at a time like this.

"Who knows." Said Steve. "Armies keep showing up. Maybe we'll get some help."

"Don't be naive." I told him. "You think an army is just going to fall from the sky and start killing the tentacle ponies for no reason? That'll be the day..."

--

Gorlok 12 stood in the bridge to his flagship looking out the large window. Before him was a small blue and green planet with one tiny moon circling it.

"Sir." Started one of the crewmen. "We've tracked Paul's ship all the way to this planet, however the trail ends here."

Gorlok 12 nodded. He had come a long way and now it looked like they had finally caught up to Paul. Just then, Kevin walked in accompanied by Twilight Sparkle. "Aw, just the unicorn I was looking for." Said Gorlok 12 with a smile. He couldn't help but remember the special night they shared a few days ago.

"What's going on?" She asked, before looking out the window and seeing the planet below.

"See anything familiar?" He asked.

She continued to examine it for a few moments before smiling widely. "I recognize that. That's Equestria down there!"

"Perfect. Then it seems we're both going to the same place. Helmsman take us in. We have a raptor to catch."

Author's Notes:

So, I gave up on typing this for a long time. As I've mentioned in previous chapters, this story was dragging on too much for my liking. However, I decided that I might as well finish it. I mean, I've typed so much of it already...
Anyway, this chapter goes kinda fast because I don't feel like drawing it out at all. Expect an epic conclusion real soon.