When you're small, even the tiniest of things can terrify in the deepening darkness of dusk. Shadows loom, grow, and merge, forming monstrous shapes which palpitate your tiny heart. Everyone tells you there's nothing to fear, but left alone, your heart won't listen. You know that there are wild beasts full of glaring eyes and sharp teeth lurking in the darkness, ready to gobble you up at any moment. And when it storms...

Wild, wind-blown sheets of water batter the windows, driven by a ferocious unseen force strong enough to bow over even the mightiest of trees. The walls creek and groan. Lightning flashes, bright as the sun. A wall of thunder crashes so hard that your house shakes as if slugged by a giant fist.

Can anyone blame you for screaming and running to mommy?

Today's story, One Stormy Night, wishes to capture that precious moment of raw child-rated fear and bring us back in time to re-experience it. We shall see how well it does.

Sorry about all the broken images. I assume they're working on a fix, but until then you'll have to click to see them.

A little unicorn wakes up one night scared by a storm raging outside her window.

Well, that's certainly an apt description, but it lacks any kind of personality. There's no attempt to connect with the character outside of telling us that she exists. I have a feeling that this is going to be a dry read.

by Nugget

There was a storm raging outside the window of a little filly’s home.

The story starts with, uh, a fancy mustache, for some reason. After that, we have a weather report. Yes, yes. This story is about the weather, but the opening line is the best chance to hook the readers. First impressions matter, and a good opener will set the mood and bring us into the mindset of the protagonist. Blandly describing scenery doesn't help.

While the raindrops were tapping against the glass with a charismatic rhythm that matched the chaos of the weather’s natural symphony, the thunder roared with an alarming flash of sound and light, managing to wake up a young unicorn from her slumber. Scared awake by the intensity of the downpour, she immediately clung to her Woona doll and quivered in a fetal position at the back of her bed. She tried to stay as far away from her window as she possibly could.

The second paragraph is better, but could use some polishing. It starts off with florid poetic description, but quickly trips up with some awkward verbiage. "managing to wake up" could be replaced with "startling" and it would flow better, for example. Also, words like 'immediately' can be pruned to tighten the narrative. See here for advice on eradicating unnecessary words (item #2).

I'm also wondering about that Woona doll. Why, in America, it's almost impossible to go anywhere without seeing those 'Wets-Itself' Barak O'Baby dolls that just fly off the shelves. What's that? Such things don't actually exist? That's a shame.

However, no matter how many times she continued to brace herself and scream for every blast of thunder that echoed throughout her room, the conditions outside were not letting up and she was quickly needing the comfort of something else that wasn’t artificial.

This feels a little rushed, as it glosses over her trying to be brave and gradually losing her nerve with each new clap of thunder. Also, distinguishing between real and artificial comfort sounds too intellectual for a little filly. When the narration is scholarly, it's harder to identify with the equine form of few years that's producing adrenaline in response to weather-induced flight-or-fight stimulation.

Anyway, the kid sneaks past her toys (for some reason) and into her parent's bedroom.

She slowly nudged his shoulder, “Daddy… Daddy, I’m scared!”  

“Wah…. uhhh, I… a… eh… ummm…” were the only things he could mutter out as he slowly opened his eyes, just barely enough to see his little daughter looking at him with trembling eyes and having a mouth that was curled up and almost pouting.

I like the situation that plays out here. The descriptions are a little light, but they portray an anxious child and reluctant parent well. She wants to sleep with him, and he'd rather not be bothered.

“And you think that curling up with me will make things all better?” he asked, still half-asleep.

“Yes it will!” She recalled, “You have said that you will always protect me from anything scary and that you will always be there for me! You promised, you promised, you promised!”

The father sighed. It seemed to him that his own words have come back to make him regret saying them, as if he should have not said anything to begin with. However, if there was any duty that a father must fulfill, it had to be being there for their children regardless of how ridiculous the circumstances may be. Even if their child was just demanding to sleep with them.  

The narration does remain clunky in places, though. 'Recalled' is a terrible saidism as it's not even a speaking verb! Try to avoid words like 'seemed' as they make the story vague and wishy-washy. Another tip is to read the story aloud and listen to how it sounds. "it had to be being there for their" doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. Try to rephrase stuff like that. Also, the genderless plural pronoun 'their' is taking the place of a single, gendered person: 'father'. Don't do that.

He agrees to her demand and coaxes her back to sleep next to him. At this point, the mother wakes up and they have a short talk.

“Another sleepless night?” the unicorn mare whispered.

He nodded his head.

The mare giggled before leaning into her husband and kissing him on the muzzle. “You look so cute when you are frustrated,” she said after their embrace.

He whispered back, “This all comes as part of the territory, raising this little bundle of trouble and joy.”

This part is also done well. It shows the love they have for each other and their daughter without being overbearing or feeling hamfisted. The talk doesn't last long, and switches to light banter before fading off.

Silence had fallen between the three as the mare and stallion both laid next to each other with their daughter being the only obstacle that separated them.

...and more awkwardness. The past perfect tense is different from the past tense with regards to when actions take place. "He had eaten a greasy sandwich before he wiped his mouth on his necktie," for example. Joining the two tenses together with the 'as' conjunction which implies simultaneous action just doesn't work.

The story ends with a mutual declaration of love, and that's it.

Okay, so this story turned out to be more of a family bonding moment than one of childhood fears. I blame my slightly mistaken impression on that rather terse description.

Rage Level 20% - Indifferent Derpy

This is a short and simple story that sets out to do one thing and accomplishes it. It's not exactly groundbreaking, but it's cute and sweet and for a slice of life piece, that's all it really needs to be. The characterization is good, and while the prose can be florid at times, that's spotty and we're usually left with less-than-optimal detail. All I really know about this family is that the girl's a white unicorn with teal magic, father's an earth pony, and the mother's a unicorn. That's it. We don't even get names.

Outside of the awkward phrasing, that's probably the story's biggest problem. It's just so generic. There's no individuality and it just lacks that personal touch. You could swap the characters with pretty much any other family and still tell the same story. In fact, much of the dialogue wouldn't be out of place on greeting cards.

I feel like this story would have had a stronger impact if it had taken the time to focus on an established character such as Rarity, Twilight, or Scootaloo. As is, I'm mostly just indifferent to it.

The Seal of Derpproval - Under 30% rage.

Diabetic's Nightmare Medal - Little kid shenanigans.

Hallmark Approved - The best kind of love is greeting card love.