Apple Bloom is one of my favorite ponies, and for good reason. She's a super-cute little filly with a big heart who wants nothing more than to grow up and make a name for herself. Hey day-to-day struggles with her closest friends might often backfire and wind up coating them all in tree sap, but she has remarkable persistence, if not much patience, and it's hard not to admire somepony like that.

Today's story, The Lone Crusader, promises to take us on a childhood journey where Apple Bloom is left to fend for herself. Can it deliver on that promise? We shall see.

The first thing you'll notice about the description is the 'cute' tag. No, that's not one of the recently added tags. It's a mock-up image made to look like a site tag. While adding images to the story's description is technically against the rules, user-created custom tags are one of the exceptions they've allowed. I've also seen an 'anon' tag and a 'clop' tag done like this.

As for the story describing itself as 'cute,' I'm fine with that. Yes, it tells us how we should feel about the story, but so do the 'comedy,' 'thriller,' and 'sad' tags. If the story itself is half as cute as the cover art, then I'm sure it can deliver on that promise. What I'm more concerned about is the rest of the description.

make due by herself for the day

This is an awkward way of phrasing the concept of being alone. In the next sentence, the word 'out' isn't necessary and 'her' and 'hers' is redundant. One of those can be cut. Generally, this description could use some polishing, but it does describe the story well without giving anything away.

There's only one chapter which uses the default name of 'Chapter 1.' For a one-shot, it's better to name the chapter. That shows at least some thought was put into it. 'Chapter 1' is just lazy.

Apple Bloom stood atop the hill overlooking the orchard below, a smile on her face and her cape gently blowing in the breeze. She took a deep breath, breathing in the faint smell of spring and adventure. “There it is, girl,” Apple Bloom said as she glanced to her side. Standing next to her was her trusty companion—someone who would never let her down, the family dog, Winona.

“The Jeweled Basin is somewhere down there in that forest.” She looked back down at her destination, a determined look in her eye. “If we can find that, I bet I can get my cutie mark in adventurin’ for sure!”

This opener is structured well, as it mixes description with action and sets the scene while establishing Apple Bloom's character and motive, but it suffers from many problems too. Poor word choice places 'breath' and 'breathing' right next to each other, the story wastes space redundantly explaining what a 'trusty companion' is, and parts of the description are missing or inadequate. We shouldn't have to look at the cover art to learn something basic like the color of Apple Bloom's cape, and we'd best get used to weak qualifiers like 'determined' trying to substitute for proper visualization because that happens frequently in this story.

As for the story itself, it's odd to see Apple Bloom talking about Sweet Apple Acres as if it's some sort of wild, untamed forest full of undiscovered treasure. It doesn't take long to figure out why.

Apple Bloom focused on a rustling bush. She kept a firm gaze on it, waiting for whatever horror would pop out and attack her and her faithful companion. She didn’t have to wait long. A small, grey bunny hopped out and stared at her innocently.

Apple Bloom’s eyes went wide. “Sweet Celestia! You see that? It’s a huge wererabbit with giant teeth and claws as big as a dragon’s!”

She's playing pretend.

Um, no. Apple Bloom doesn't do that. That's not how cutie mark crusading works. Look, I know that playing pretend is a generic little kid thing, and that Apple Bloom is one of the youngest characters, but she isn't that young. On the show, she's presented as a young adolescent who's on the verge of making her first steps into adulthood if only she could finally earn that cutie mark. She may have some grandiose ideas, but the only time we've seen her straight up playing pretend was that creature-catching act in Stare Master.

I got the impression that the only reason they did this was because they were bored out of their skulls.

With Cutie Mark Crusading, each and every attempt is serious. Be it zip-lining, bowling, chicken herding, etc, they're always out there doing the actual thing and not lollygagging about, imagining it. If Apple Bloom really did want a cutie mark in adventuring—we've seen her walk into the Everfree Forest all by herself—she'd actually be out there, adventuring. It's also worth noting that Cutie Mark Crusading has always been a group activity (in light of Crusaders of the Lost Mark it's easy to see why), but Apple Bloom's been known to go off on her own so that part isn't a big deal.

Sorry about the characterization essay, but what I'm getting at is that Apple Bloom is acting out of character. She's less of the Apple Bloom we know and love and more of a Generic Cute Thing walking around in Apple Bloom's skin.

Apple Bloom looked at her faithful friend, giving her a confident nod. “We gotta get past that rock storm up ahead or else we’re gonna be in for some trouble!” She lowered her head and readied herself. Winona did the same next to her. As soon as she heard another crack of thunder, she took off towards the tree. A vibration rushed up it, shaking the apples loose.

She reached reached into her collar and pull her twig free. She swung her weapon in front of her, barely brushing one of the apples out of her way. She felt another just graze her tail, and a third hit her on her hoof as it was in the air behind her. “Run, girl, run!” she yelled to Winona.

Here, Apple Bloom is pretending that she's caught in a rock storm, which is really just Big Mac apple-bucking. The astute observer will note that while this story is about Apple Bloom playing pretend, the story's narration does not follow her imagination, instead preferring to stay grounded in the real world. Usually, stories that focus on a child's imagination take the opposite path, often to absurdity. (Scootaloo and the Danger Death Box 4000 and Helicopter-Tank-Castle-of-Scootaloo come to mind.) This story isn't worse by following the literal path, just different. In fact, I feel like I'm there, watching her play. It's quite charming, really.

My real complaint here is that the sentence structure gets repetitive at times. Repetition develops rhythm, and that draws the reader out by making them aware of how the words are presented. Outside of poetry, it's best to avoid that. Plus:

She reached reached into her collar and pull her twig free.

There's a repeated word and tense error in the same sentence. This story doesn't have too many mistakes, but another proofreading couldn't hurt.

Apple Bloom's adventure concludes when she finds an empty bucket, which she brings back to her sister for a reward.

“I found the Golden Basin you were lookin’ for!”

Applejack turned to her sister with a puzzled look on her face. “The what?” she stared at her for a moment before it clicked. Her sister’s cape, the twig in her collar, the dirt all over her face. Applejack smiled. “Thank you, kindly. Did you have a rough time findin’ it?”

“Don’t mention it! It weren’t too hard, I had my trusty sword and travelin’ partner with me!” Apple Bloom looked to Winona, finding her sitting patiently and wagging her tail.

Applejack quickly picks up on the 'adventure', thereby implying that this is something that Apple Bloom does frequently. As I mentioned before, she's too old for that, plus she's also never really shown much imagination as even her dream sequence episode was mostly mundane.

Anyway, since this story stepped back to describe Apple Bloom's appearance, I might as well complain about the descriptions again. They do work, but often in a bare-minimum fashion. The cape clearly has significance, but we're never told why, nor is it ever described. Why is Apple Bloom even wearing a collar? Is this dress like Winona day? When, exactly, did she get dirt on her face? That literally came out of nowhere. She's not Pigpen; she doesn't just attract the stuff.

This story's continued love of qualifiers continues unabated, with mixed results. 'Patiently' does help describe 'sitting,' though it also implies that Winona's waiting for something and I'm not sure what. 'Puzzled' can't describe 'look' because it's just too open-ended and 'look' doesn't mean anything on its own. Is Applejack scrunching up her face and scratching her chin, or is she more of an eyebrow-raising type of gal? Please don't use qualifiers to describe facial expressions, as words like 'confident,' 'innocent,' 'determined,' and 'puzzled' are too vague to properly visualize.

“Slow down little Apple. And here you thought today was gonna be borin’ since Sweetie Belle was busy and Scootaloo was sick.” Applejack smirked and gave a knowing glance.

“I did, until I realized you needed that bucket—I mean, uh…treasure—you left out in the orchard—”

We do eventually get an answer for why this 'adventure' took place, but only at the very end. At this point, all of the emotional impact of being left alone has already worn off, so we have no basis on which to judge how boring Apple Bloom thought things were going to be. That kinda kills the potential impact of the moral lesson.

Apple Bloom does not get her cutie mark, and the story ends with her getting shooed off to wash up for supper.

Well, that was kind of dull—cute, but dull.

Overall, it was an okay story, and it did deliver on the cuteness, but not much else. It lacked any sort of tension because it jumped into things before establishing a motive other than the cutie mark thing. But since Apple Bloom's just playing pretend, we know that isn't going to happen, nor is anything bad going to happen to her. The story did attempt to give us a moral when Applejack stated that Apple Bloom's playing by herself didn't have to be boring, but that fell flat because there was no setup.

On the technical side, the grammar's generally good, though I did see a few errors including missing capitalization, a few sentence fragments, and occasionally missing direct-address commas. Repetitive sentence structure and dry narration are the bigger faults, making the story harder to read. It's minor, but Winona should be added to the character tags given her role in the story.

Diabetic's Nightmare Medal

I wouldn't put this at 'cuteness overload' level, but it does portray a little kid acting like a little kid. If that's not cute, then I don't know what is.

Shoddy Script Award

Apple Bloom's out of character, but not so much that it can't be fixed easily. Either present this adventure as something she wouldn't normally do (expand upon Applejack's moral), or go ahead and make her younger, even before she even met the other Crusaders. Heck, if Winona was a puppy too than the 'daws would be doubled.

Honest Attempt Medal

I like the concept, but there were too many problems to really get into the story. The fact that it lacked any impact is what really killed it for me, though. I do have a suggestion to help fix that, but I'm reluctant to advocate it because it would be hard to pull off. Imagine, if you will, that the story's narration was given a distinctive voice. Take the time to comment on how Apple Bloom's grown, how she compares to her siblings when they were her age, and generally fuss over her. At the end, reveal the narrator as Apple Bloom's departed mother (or father). Don't just pull that out of nowhere, though, because if you do, it'd look like a cheap ploy for extra feels and readers hate that.

Good Sport Ribbon

Twas a requested review.

Aw, they're plum tuckered out from their adventure. Please comment quietly so as not to disturb them.