"Up up, Maurice! The sun has risen and so should you!"

"Gah!" I groaned loudly as I was suddenly stirred awake, my upper-half immediately enveloped in a subtle warmth and my vision turning bright red despite the fact that my eyes never opened. Fleeing under the covers didn't help, because seconds later, like a magician doing that tablecloth trick, that too was removed from me with a flourish, forcing me to curl into the fetal position as my palms moved to cover my still heavy eyes.

"Oh come now, Maurice," he lectured with a tsk tsk as I heard him walk around the bed. "I was very lenient when mistress Octavia requested for me to let you sleep in, but breakfast is nearly prepared and you've yet to rise! As head butler of the Speakeasy estate, that simply will not do; it's my job to make sure everypony is present and accounted for when they're receiving the most important meal of the day. Now up, up!"

Feeling my leg being tugged by what I'm assuming to be magic, I realized that this guy was absolutely hellbent to see me out of this comfy, heavenly bed that I was oh so enjoying my slumber in, so I had no choice but to give in.

"Alright, alright--geez!" I answered listlessly as I forced myself to sit up, blindly fumbling towards the edge of the bed while rubbing the remnants of sleep from my eyes.

Sounding satisfied once my feet touched the floor, he spoke up. "There we go. Wasn't too hard, now was it?" Still rubbing my face, I responded to that with an incoherent murmur. "Quite. Now, you still have half an hour until breakfast time, so I'm assuming that would be plenty of time for you to get ready. Once you're prepared, gather with the rest in the dining room."

Removing my hand from my face, I looked in his direction and gave a few focus adjusting blinks. "Yeah...Yeah, alright. Thanks, uh..."

I can not for the life of me remember this dude's name...

"Valet," the older brown unicorn answered almost instantaneously, having picked up my trouble placing his name; he didn't seem upset that I couldn't--I mean, I did just barely meet the guy yesterday.

"Right," I replied with a sluggish nod, yawning as I then made a quick survey the room, noticing that something--or rather someone--was missing. "Say, uh, where's Tavi?" Seeing him raise a puzzled brow at me, I immediately corrected myself with, "I mean, the mistress?"

"Ah," he sounded, his expression lighting up in understanding. "In the kitchen, actually. Against my better wishes, she insisted she help prepare breakfast. Yet another reason I was so adamant with waking you." Turning around, he then made for the door. "Well, I have other duties to attend to, so I trust you'll be ready by then?" I simply nodded. "Excellent!" And with that, he stepped into the hallway and left, leaving me very tempted to just fall backwards onto the bed and pick up where my slumber had left off.

Managing to resist that urge--but only by just barely--I succeeded in getting up from the bed, then lumbered to my luggage sitting in the room's corner and procured my morning essentials from it; things like a change of clothes and my toothbrush. With my items in tow, I then made a slow, sleepy-eyed stride out of the room, into the lavishly adorned hallway, and towards the bathroom, yawning a few times into my free hand along the way. With every step my bare feet took atop the tiles that were of sup-par temperature, my brain would gradually warm up, memories of what happened before returning to bed last night returning bit by bit.

Right, so uh, Speakeasy wants me to break it off with Tavi 'cause he wants her to be with Ledger instead; a guy he practically raised to be her husband and his successor. Geez, I'd hate to admit this, but Speakster--I'd like to test the waters with calling him that, but I don't exactly feel inclined with having myself fitted for cement shoes--brought up some good points. If my relationship with Tavi were to one day progress to a point in the future where she'd want kids, then I'm fairly certain that I'm incapable of providing her with that. Despite all of the examinations she's done, Twilight's still in the dark when it comes to the full extent of my alien physiology, so the mere thought of even attempting to rectify that with some sort of spell is just too great of a risk.

Of course, adoption is always an option, one which I'm more than content with given my situation, but what about Tavi? Would she be ok with raising a foal that she knows isn't her's? Even if she was, there is the other issue when it comes to providing for our would-be family. Sure, we're living just fine now, but some day the bits I make by giving tours probably won't be sufficient, and it was difficult enough for me to even find that job in the first place, let alone another higher paying one.

Grunting, I shook my head with a hard blink.

Ugh, it's way too early in the morning for me to be thinking of such things, especially when they're far off, uncertain possibilities; don't want to come off as a Negative Nancy here, more like a Reality Ray, but a lot of things can happen between now and then--maybe our relationship won't progress that far at all. She already stated that she wasn't interested in the physical aspect of our relationship--when you've got a strange-looking bod only nuts like Vinyl and Lyra would like to test out, who could really blame her--so perhaps it'll be more or less of what we have now, something I'm fortunate to even have at all in this alien world.

Still, if the time ever comes where she does decide to break it off with me in order to have that family of her own, then I'd be more than understanding, as I don't wish to be the thing holding her back from her happiness.

"Hmm, Valet gotcha too, huh?" Vinyl lethargically asked, speaking to my reflection in the bathroom mirror before her as she idly brushed her teeth, bags under her eyes and her mane more of a mess that it usually is.

"Yup," I promptly answered, setting my things aside as I meandered my way to the toilet.

"Ha, figures! Guy's a stickler for punctuality and all that."

Standing before the porcelain throne, I, with one hand ready to lift its seat, and the other waiting to pull down my pants, turned back to Vinyl, shooting her a skeptical look. "Hey uh, you mind?"

After gurgling some water, Vinyl spat it out, looked up from the sink, then gave a wisecracking smile to my reflection as she began working to style her mane with a comb. "Nah, don't really mind at all. Go on ahead, do your bizz and wizz!"

Somewhat, but not totally amused, I bit the inside of my cheek at that as I repositioned myself, having it that she could only see my back. Lifting the seat, I--

"Twilight, where is she!?"

Nearly pissed over myself and Discord, god thing of chaos or whatever, who's Oscar the Grouch impersonation would have been spot on if he popped out of a trash can instead of a toilet...

"Hmm?" he sounded, looking up at my wide-eyed, shocked face before blinking. "Say, aren't you...?" Lowering his sights down to what I had uncovered, he balked as he immediately pulled his head back. "Yup! You alright--recognize that from the unnecessarily detailed doodles in Twilight's little draft to the scientific journals! Huh, must have taken a wrong turn or two at Albuquerque..." How does he... Averting his eyes from me seconds later, he coughed. "Say uh, odd question, but you wouldn't just so happen to have some spare tickets to that dreadfully dull gala laying around, would you?"

Hearing something plastic clatter onto the floor behind me, I turned my head back and saw Vinyl just standing there with her comb at her hooves. "Uuuh..." she uttered, the synapses in her brain possibly working overtime as she stared blankly at the sight before her.

"Yes? No? Well out with it!" he seethed at her.

Wanting him gone before the startled flood dams in my bladder break, I turned back to Discord and, knowing that this guy runs off of Looney Tunes logic, pulled the toilet's handle, his surprised face soon swirling down the drain while accompanied by the sound of flushing water.

"If you're looking for Twilight, then try her house, dingus!" I nearly shouted in annoyance, doing a little dance as I lifted the seat again. Staring into an empty toilet bowl, relief immediately washed over me. "Oh thank God!"

As I then did my bizz and whizzed, Vinyl eventually spoke up.

"Uh...Maurice...was that Discord? Like, the Discord?"

After shaking twice, I pulled my pants back up, flushed the toilet a second time, then moved to the sink and began washing my hands. "Eh, yeah...yeah it was..."

"Huh." Vinyl answered simply. Spotting her reflection in the mirror, I could see that she was giving me this quizzical, baffled look. "Hey huh, you're being awfully nonchalant about this... I mean, it's not everyday you have a run in with the spirit of chaos and walk away without any unwanted little surprises. What, you know the guy or something?"

Cutting the water off, then drying my hands on an adjacent towel hanging from a rack, I turned to her and leaned back onto the sink's rim as I rubbed the back of my head.

"Well um, kinda. He uh, he was one of the first few creatures questioned as to whether or not they were responsible for whisking me off my world and onto this. But, after a pretty lengthy interrogation mostly done by Fluttershy, it was revealed that he wasn't involved and that me coming here really was a freak of nature. After that, I'd see him annoy the heck out of the princesses when bored. He did offer to send me to a human world, but with him not knowing which exact one I'm from, and with there apparently being a vast number of worlds, chances are that it wouldn't be mine." I shrugged. "Heh, knowing my luck, if I'd took him up on his offer, then I'd probably end up and die in one decimated by nuclear war or something. So really, I had two options." As if holding something in my palm, I raised one hand. "Radioactive wasteland," I raised the other, "or world ruled by talking ponies. Hmm, tough call. Wasteland. Ponies. Wasteland. Ponies." Rolling my eyes, I clasped my hands together and sarcastically said, "Por que no los dos?"

Getting all that--I think--Vinyl nodded in response. "Huh, right when you'd think you know a guy. Well anyway," she then said as she turned to the door, "I'm done here; I'd tell the others about Discord popin' out of the toilet and all, but for some reason, I doubt they'd believe it if it came from me."

"Well they're not hearing it from me!" I stressed, raising my arms. "Speakeasy's already got it somewhat out for me, and if he hears that chaos incarnate was in his freaking septic tank, who do you think he's going to blame!?"

"Yeeeah, good point," she said with a nod before walking out of the bathroom. "Well uh, see ya at breakfast, I guess." And at that, she was gone, leaving me to close the door and finally get ready in peace.

Minutes later, of which I occasionally and apprehensively turned to the toilet just to be on the safe side, I was ready for the day, teeth brushed, hair dealt with and clothes changed. Remembering Valet mention that Tavi was helping with breakfast, and not wanting to wait at the table in awkward silence with Speakeasy, I decided to seek out the kitchen and see if I could lend her a hand with that.

"Mmm, Octavia, you're a wizard in the kitchen!" Speakeasy marveled, speaking over the sound of silverware clinking against porcelain plates as everyone enjoyed their breakfast. "I really like this waffle, uh, sandwich thing you made. Is that uh, is that peanut butter and jelly I taste?"

"Er, why yes," Tavi answered, smiling nervously at her father sitting across from her at the breakfast table. "But um...I didn't prepare that...Maurice did..."

His eyes widening as he paused in mid-chew, Speakeasy gradually shifted his sights to me sitting besides Tavi, clearly spotting the broad, glee-filled grin I was beaming at him. Swallowing, his expression went neutral as he blasphemously set the rest of his heaven-sent delicacy onto his plate. "On second thought," he said, pushing it way, "it's not that great at all..." Despite that, my grin remained.

Deny it all you want, Speakster, but I saw that glint of utter joy in your eyes when you took that first, hearty bite of my scru-diddly-umptious creation... Even now I can see you staring at it in temptation...

"So, Maurice," Alto, the white coated, black maned unicorn cousin of Tavi's soon spoke.

"Hmm?" I sounded, sipping from my cup of freshly squeezed orange juice as I looked to her from across the table. Man, this stuff is delicious! Way better than that high fructose corn syrup from back home!

Whipping her mid-length mane aside, she continued, her voice carrying a subtle, underlined Prench accent. "This may be a bit unprecedented, and a little soon, but, please, tell us about yourself."

"Ah yes yes, that's right!" Tenor, Alto's inverted colored twin sister, joined in with an eager nod. "We've heard a bit from Ledger before your arrival, but not enough to completely satisfy us. Like, there's just so much we'd love to know! For instance: where are you from?"

"Are your kind common?" added Alto.

"Other than that crepe you have there, what do you eat?"

"What do you do for a living?"

"Do you make a lot of bits?"

Ok uh, didn't know that I was gonna get aggressively interviewed here. Gonna have to word these just right in order to give a good first impression.

"I--"

Right as I opened my mouth, I was immediately cut off by Lyra, who chose to answer in my stead.

"Earth, yes, mostly the same stuff as us but sometimes meat, tour guide, and enough." Turning to my side, I looked over a chortling Vinyl and a face-hoofing Bon Bon, raising a brow at Lyra. Sticking her tongue out the side of her mouth, the unicorn seemed to be concentrating on cutting up her own crepe with a fork... "What?" she soon asked, noticing that I was staring intently at her.

"Thank you, Lyra," I said unenthusiastically, managing to containing my displeasure. But only by just barely. "Just...just thank you..."

"Meat, hmm?" Ledger chimed in, hooves clasped before his mouth and elbows on the table as he leaned forward in interest. "So, you mean to tell us that you uh, normally partake in consuming the flesh of another living being? Like a griffon, chimera, or diamond dog? Heh, should we be worried here?" Despite the jesting tone he used, that last bit sounded more like a warning directed to everyone else in the room, leaving me with no clue on how to properly respond.

What can I really say? That I do eat meat, but preferably cooked and not always? I'd calm his nerves by showing him the pill bottle of chew-able tablets of animal proteins Twilight gave me to act as a viable substitute, but for some reason, I couldn't find them in my bag. Which is weird 'cause I explicitly told Vinyl not to forget them...

"I um, eh...n-no, no it's not like that. It's uh..."

"It's...?" Ledger beckoned, gesturing with a roll of his hoof for me to continue.

Oh boy...so early in the morning and already we've stepped into some pretty touchy territory here...

Luckily, seconds later, Tavi clasped her hooves audibly together, coming to my rescue.

"Ah, I forgot ask!" she said. "Alto, Tenor, where is my other cousin? You know, your brother? You two are obviously here, yet I fail to see him. Oh it's been years!"

After the twins looked to one another--of which I suspect they used some sort of twin telepathy in that short moment to figure out which of them should answer--Tenor turned back to her and spoke.

"Oh, you know; being the hopeless romantic that he is, he's still out there looking for that special somepony."

"Mhmm," Alto affirmed with a nod. "It's still been a good while since we've last seen him, but he still keeps in touch through letters."

Shrugging, Tenor finished with, "Other than that, not much else."

"Ah, I see. Mmm, well, some news is better than none, I suppose," Tavi replied with a small nod, picking up her fork and butter knife with her hooves. After cutting a piece of her crepe off, she stabbed it with the fork, then plopped it into her mouth in one impressive, fluid movement before thoroughly chewing and swallowing it. Possibly in an attempt to further divert the conversation from where it was going before, she then said, "So...what is everypony's plan for the day, hmm?"

"Ooh! Ooh!" Lyra called, raising her hoof up as in class before wrapping it around Bon Bon and pulling her in. "Well since this is Bonny's first time in Canterlot, I thought we'd--"

"Eh, not my first time, and please don't grab me while I'm eating..." Bon Bon cut in, her expression unamused.

"Shut up, tuts, you know you love it!" Lyra said to her before resuming. "Like I was saying, since this is her first time, I thought we'd hit the sights, maybe go to a few restaurants. It took a lot for me to convince her to close the store for a few days and even come on this trip, so we might as well have some fun while we're here!"

"Oh, perhaps we'll join you," Alto said, hoof on her sister's shoulder as the twins smiled at the couple.

"We're mostly here at the house when we come to visit, so seeing the rest of the city sounds nice," Tenor concluded.

"Ooh! We can make a date out of it!" Lyra said with a bright smile before correcting herself moments later. "Eh, heh heh, the platonic kind I mean."

Placing her fore hooves behind her head, Vinyl leaned back in her chair and lifted her rear ones onto the table. "Yeeeah, well while you guys go do that, I think I'll just hang here. I brought Wubz along, so I think I'll just work on mixing some stuff that I've been putting off for a while now."

"And you Ledger, father?" Tavi then asked, looking to them. "What will you two be up to?"

Setting down his cup after sipping from it, Ledger was the first to respond. "Oh I've got an important meeting with somepony here later on in the day. My own budding business endeavors and whatnot."

"Same," Speakeasy added with a carefree shrug, finishing the rest of my culinary creation; I knew he couldn't resist! "Though my meeting's at a different part of the city, so perhaps I can give you girls a ride in the carriage to the shopping plaza later." After licking his hoof clean of peanut butter, he looked to Tavi. "What about you, sweetie? Any plans?"

Staring at the fork in her hoof as she absentmindedly twiddled with it against the plate, Tavi gave her reply. "Mmm, perhaps join the girls on their little escapade, maybe visit mother sometime after that."

Using his magic, Speakeasy beamed while he raised his cup as if giving a toast. "Ah, well, give your mother my regards then."

"Mhmm, I will." Turning her head a bit, Tavi gave me a sideways, curious glance. "And you, Maurice?"

Nervously rubbing the back of my head, I eyed the room. "Uh..." I clicked my tongue. "Yeah, maybe uh, maybe just hang back with Vinyl until you get back; I've had my fill of Canterlot yesterday when we arrived." Honestly, I just don't feel like standing around and looking pretty again while Tavi and the girls just window shop. Also, and as much as it pains me to do so, I feel like I'm mora--ah jeez--morally obligated to say this next part. "Also, when you get back...maybe, just maybe," come on, "I can...accompany you when you go visit your ah...your mom..."

"Really?" Tavi asked in mild disbelief, visibly taken back by that.

Swallowing dryly, I nodded. "Eh, yeah. I mean, since I'm here, and I've already 'formally' met your dad, I might as well go all the way and do the same with her. You know, give a good impression to her while I've got the chance..."

"My, that's...that's very thoughtful of you." Tavi smiled warmly to me. "Alright, make sure to be ready by the afternoon."

"Right," I nodded, only to face forward in confusion when Speakeasy started snickering into his hoof. Raising a brow at him, I then asked, "What's so funny, hombre?"

After regaining his composure with a cough into his hoof, he tried to look me in the eye with a straight face, yet the ends of his mouth were straining to curl upwards. "Kid, don't start thinkin' that I like you or anything, but let me give you this one piece of free advice: When it comes to me and Highground as Octavia's parents, I'm a freaking cuddly teddy bear when compared to her! If you so much as make the tiniest of wrong moves or even whisper something that'd set her off, then I guarantee you that you'd be making an early return to Ponyville on account of your bashed in cranium! Gunpowder is what that fine mare is!"

"Ahem," Tavi cleared her throat, regaining my attention as she spoke while looking at me from the corner of her vision. "He's...he's only joking, Maurice. She's not...er, well, she's not as volatile as he's making her out to seem..."

'Not as volatile' she says, I thought nervously to myself, eyes widening in fear at her deliberate choice in wording. Shrinking in my seat, my hand moved to alleviate imaginary pain emerging from my side, the same area where Highground had hoof-punched me the first time she had introduced herself to me. Great...I can already imagine my last words etched onto my tombstone...

Here's hoping they at least get a decent comedian to host the roast for my funeral.

"Hey there, kooky~" I chimed to Vinyl as I stepped into the mansion's homely little lounge, spotting her seated atop the couch in the center of the room, still fiddling with her tabletop, just where I had left her. Once Tavi and the girls had all left on their little spree, I decided to do a bit of exploring around the place and was ecstatic to find a decent sized pool in the back. Having just finished taking a quick swim in it, and not knowing that this place even had one to begin with when I initially packed for the trip, I was garbed in nothing but a pair of waterlogged boxers as I worked to dry myself off with a towel. "So," walking over to the back of the couch, I curiously looked over Vinyl's shoulder, "whatcha up to?"

Not even turning back to me, she gave her reply, her magic and hooves still turning the thing's many dials and do-dads.

"Eh, nothing much. Just workin' on a few things that I've been, well, you know, working on." Looking over her shoulder to face me, she rose a brow while giving this self-pleased, toothy grin. "Hey, wanna see what I got?"

Well, I've got nothing better to do until Tavi and the girls come home, so, after pursing my lips for a bit, I rolled my eyes with a shrug. "Ah sure, why not?"

"Well alright! Here, check this out!" Pressing a button on Wubz, Vinyl caused the turntable's sole record atop it to spin under its readied needle, a flurry of cacophonous sounds unleashed from its built in speakers, thankfully at a reasonable, non-deafening volume. Whatever I was listening to, it didn't seem to have any rhyme or reason to it; sounded like a bunch of alternating clunks and clangs to me, only with slightly modified pitches and resonance. "So?" she soon asked, probably fishing for comments or input, whatever it was still playing.

"Uh...well, it's um...it's--"

"Hey there, kooky~"

Taken back by that, my brows furrowed in confusion.

"Ah shit," Vinyl cursed, cutting the 'music' off before inspecting Wubz more closely. "Ugh, damn button's getting fidgety again!"

"Was that me?" I asked, totally perplexed. "Did I just hear my voice come out of that thing? And do I really sound like that?"

Almost dismissively, Vinyl answered with, "Yeah, yeah you did...and do."

"Um ok...and why did I hear myself?"

Her mouth opening with a subtle, almost inaudible smack, Vinyl addressed that question. "Uh, didn't you hear me? I just said that the button's getting fidgety, so that means that it recorded you when it shouldn't have. You know, you should really learn to connect the dots, Maurice..."

With her talking down to me, like always, I rolled my eyes.

"Ok, uh, for your information, I can connect dots just fine, thank you very much! What I'm saying is, why was it recording at all? I thought you needed like, separate equipment or something to even record."

"Don't have to," Vinyl casually said, checking to see if the other dials were working properly. "In case you haven't noticed, Wubz is a custom job."

"Custom job?" I repeated.

"Mhm, designed by a uh," she clicked her tongue, "let's say a friend of mine, making it a bit older than the newer models out there today, but still reliable for what I need. It uh...it sort of has sentimental value." As if patting an old chum on the back, she tapped its casing. "There's a small yet very sensitive mic built in. I just press a button and ol' Wubz here will capture the sounds and magically etch them into the vinyl for me to tinker with later."

"Wait..."

Turning back to me, Vinyl smirked. "That's right. No canned, store bought beats in my, as Octy would say, repertoire~! All fresh, all natural, baby!" Resting one hind leg atop the other, she placed her forehooves at the back of her head, then leaned back into the sofa, looking straight up at me. "Oh I usually, like you just heard, clink some pots and pans together, then play with the recording's pitch and frequencies when I have some free time. Heh, I once had a party going really nuts with one I put together from the sound of the refrigerator door opening and closing, and your weird horseshoe things stompin' on the floor." Her grin grew larger before she finished with, "You have lovely curtains, by the way."

Ok, note to self for when we get back: get myself a new lock, cause clearly Vinyl is having no trouble with getting at my stuff...

Right when I was about to actually voice that matter with her, I was interrupted when the door to the room opened.

"Oh, uh...you two are in here?" Ledger said, standing at the doorway beside a bright purple unicorn stallion dressed in similar business attire to him.

"Why?" Vinyl asked, looking towards them. "We interrupting something?"

Closing his eyes, Ledger answered with a quick shake of his head. "Oh no no! It's just, well...I stated earlier that I would be having a meeting, and this is where I would normally conduct them. Um, no matter, I can--"

"Actually," I interrupted, straightening my posture, "we were just about to leave."

"Hmm, excuse me?" Vinyl sounded, staring at me in confusion. Just looking at her face, I could tell what she was thinking at that moment. Who died and made you the king of me?

Grunting in annoyance, I leaned into her ear and whispered, "Vinyl...we're guests here; let's not impose. Now, call me a little kooky, but I've got some freaking decency, especially when I'm trying to give Tavi's family a good impression of me. So come on, do me this one favor and out."

After looking at me with this impassive look, Vinyl rolled her eyes before relenting.

"Fine, let me just have Wubz charge in the corner here while we go get a sandwich...or, I don't know, something."

"Thank you." I turned to Ledger and his guest. "Uh, don't mind us--we'll get out of your hair--er, mane--real quick."

"Ah, much appreciated, Maurice," Ledger said with a nod. "Shut the door on your way out, if you would."

Realizing that I was cutting it a little too close to Tavi and the girls' return, I took a rain-check on sandwich making with Vinyl and instead decided to take a quick shower in order to rid myself of that 'pool' smell. After rubbing soapy suds all over my chest, armpits and, well, junk, I partook in what every man does when showering.

Rub one out? Choke the chicken? Wrestle with the one-eyed cyclops?

Hah, no, all popular misconceptions.

What a man really does when in the shower, other than actual showering, is just stand there under the cascade of the shower-head, mulling over their moronic choices that landed them in whatever happened to be their current predicament at the moment.

I agreed to meet with Highground...

Alright Maurice, uh, play it cool. Tavi assured you that she wound't be that, uh, what was the word she used? Explosive?

Whatever, point is, I'm here in Canterlot, I've already 'introduced' myself to one of Tavi's parents and it'd be pretty rude if I didn't do the same for the other when I clearly have the opportunity to do so. Just bite the bullet, say hi, and hopefully you won't have to do much talking. Simple.

'Course, with the first impression she left on me, I'd probably be on edge the entire visit. Tavi 'ill be there, which is good, but just to be on the safe side, I'm thinking of hiding some books under my shirt to protect my oh so precious kidneys. Only got two, and they don't grow back. I think... Man I miss the internet...

Done with mindlessly staring at the tiled wall before me, and remembering that I was on the clock, I grabbed my bottle of shampoo and squeezed out a reasonable amount from it onto my openly awaiting palm. Slapping that shit onto my dome, I began to knead it into my hair in circular motions, the scent of hypoallergenic juicy green apples flooding my sinuses while foam slowly enveloped my massaging hand. Adding the other, I worked the stuff all over my scalp, humming a little tune to myself as I did so.

"I see a little nah nah nah--scaramouch, scaramouch will you do the--"

Just then, with the sound of multiple metal rings scraping against a metal bar, the shower curtain was swiftly pulled back, scaring the living bajesus out of me. Adrenaline surged and heart-rate spiking, my fight-or-flight instincts had me, in my bewilderment, instantly turn to my aggressor to assess the situation. Who I saw standing there, with eyes widening in sync with my own, had my mind sputter, grind, then halt, in that order.

It was Tavi...and Lyra...who for some reason, was dressed like a tourist...novelty shirt, cap, disposable camera hanging by the neck and all...

I don't know how long we just stared at each other. Could have been two seconds, could have been two hours; I sure as hell wasn't counting... At first, their sights were trained on my eyes, but slowly, oh so slowly, they began to lower, going past my chest, abdomen, then belly button until...well... It's scary how an alarming majority of women don't know about male shrinkage, especially after a man has taken a few laps in a pool, but I'm reeeally hoping these two are somewhat informed about the subject...which, knowing my luck, they don't...

"Oh...neat," Lyra said, seconds before my vision went white by her camera's blinding flash going off. The flicker being just the thing to rev up the old beat up lawnmower that was my brain, I reacted by immediately attempting to shield the danger zone from them while I wrapped what I could of the shower curtain around myself. If this was a fraternity, I think it'd make a rather nice toga.

"Wha--what are you two doing here!? And give me that!" Grabbing a hold of Lyra's camera with my free hand, I tugged harshly, tearing its lace from her neck before I managed to open its little back panel and began yanking the film spool out, much to the owner's apparent dismay.

"Hey!" Lyra protested, watching me rip and crumple the brown tape. Uh-uh, ain't risking that shit getting to the press.

Seeming as if her senses had returned to her, Tavi, with what appeared to be a red-ish hue on her face, averted her eyes from me before speaking.

"Oh um...heh, s-sorry. We were about to hop in and join you because we thought you were Vinyl... Our...our mistake."

Stuffing what I could of the film down the drain as I hid behind the curtain, I yelled, "Ok, yes, apology accepted--now please, out!"

"Geez, what's got him so uppity?" I heard Lyra ask over the hiss of the water. Tavi, who's voice sounded as if she were heading towards the door, explained.

"Hmm, don't take it against him, Lyra, but I think he wasn't particularly fond of you taking a picture of him without his clothes."

"Aw, but how else was I to commemorate the moment? Besides, his little fella between his legs was just so cute!"

I could hear Tavi hum in amusement before saying, "Well, since this is my first time actually seeing it for myself, I'd suppose that it was rather adorable."

Face blanching, my voice echoed around the bathroom's tiled walls when I lifted my head and yelled, "I was in the pool!"

Alright, Maurice, so uh...moment of truth here...

Here I was, moving up the stairs and down the halls of some fancy-looking apartment complex with Tavi at my side, making our way towards the lion's den. Wanting to help sway things more into my favor, I carried with me one of the fanciest, most expensive snacks I picked out from my little endorsement package: a decorative, almost unnecessarily ornate box of some fruit (hell if I know what, and the label doesn't exactly specify) dipped in, what the box claims to be, the richest chocolate brewed in Canterlot. I know it's not much, but it's all I could get in such short notice. Hopefully though, it'd make a nice enough appeasement gift to get myself into Highground's somewhat good graces.

"Alright, well, here we are," Tavi said, standing before one of the many doors on this floor; this one labeled with the symbols 'D7'. Turning to me, and possibly noticing my apprehensiveness, she then asked, "Are you ready to meet my mother?"

"Yeah, of course." I lied...

She could tell I wasn't, it was obvious, but regardless, she set her sights back to the door. "Hmm, very well then." Watching her lift her hoof, a part of me wanted to plead for us to postpone this, reschedule even, but I held back that urge, redirecting my focus solely on breathing as she give the wood before her a few solid, resounding knocks.

Nothing happened, as in no one answered it, prompting Tavi to knock again almost a minute later.

"Maybe she's not home?" I proposed, unable to hide my elation to that possibility in my voice, to which Tavi rolled her eyes in amusement.

"Ha, at this time of day? Very unlikely. Perhaps she's--"

Just then, with the knob turning much quicker than I could perceive, the door swung open, revealing a very much sleepy and very much annoyed bat pony on the other side. It was Highground of course, what with it apparently being her apartment and all. Her eyes were squinted, as if adjusting to the light, and her short, scarlet red hair was complete disheveled, almost flattened at one side. Huh, now that I'm looking at her with a bit of light for once and, you know, my face isn't being forced against a wall, I could see that her coat was almost the exact same shade of grey as Tavi and that her cutie mark was, huh...normally every bat pony I came across when living in the castle had this moon or night sky motif thing going on, but Highground here instead had what seemed to be a sundial on her flank. Though I supose those could be used with moonlight, I guess...

"Alright, whoever you are, you better be selling cookies, otherwise you're getting your ass ki--" Leaning forward after squinting even harder, Highground soon pulled her head back in surprise. "My little Octav? That you?"

"Hm, hello mother," Tavi greeted with a smile. "Hope we didn't wake you."

Flashing a big, toothy--and by toothy, I mean fangy--grin, she pulled Tavi into a tight hug. "Aw, sweetie, I didn't know you'd be visiting! And no, it's only...wait... We?" Releasing Tavi from her grasp, she turned to me, having just noticed that I was standing there, facing her vague vicinity, but not directly at her. Maybe it was the tiredness in her expression, but I didn't have a clue as to what she was thinking. "Eh, no...no it's only--" Before she could finish that sentence, what I believed to be an alarm clock could be heard ringing from somewhere within the apartment, Highground's head hanging low in defeat at the sound of it. "It's only...four p.m..." Grunting, she then sighed out the words, "Would you two care to...come in while I go get that?"

"Of course! Come along, Maurice!" Tavi exclaimed, practically hopping past her mother and into the apartment.

With eyes faced directly forward, I took my cue, carefully stepping around Highground as I made to follow Tavi. However, I was stopped dead in my tracks when the irate and pretty sleepy looking bat pony raised a hoof before me in a stopping motion.

"Hold on," she said, her narrowed golden eyes locked onto mine. "Before you even think of stepping anywhere near my apartment, you're..." Her yawn that appeared to have snuck up on her had her cutting herself off short, and despite knowing that she wasn't trying to be intimidating in that moment, I couldn't help but take a step back, as her leathery wings flaring as she did so reminded me of that spitting raptor that ate Newman. "Huuuouahaaa....you're wiping your...hooves? Whatever, you're wiping those things first..."

Seeing that she was pointing at my feet, and not wanting to test her patience, I immediately worked to scrub my shoe's soles clean using her neighbor's welcome mat before finally being allowed to step foot into her home.

As she closed the door and walked past me to enter a hallway at the side where some rooms appeared to be, mostly likely to take care of that alarm clock, I took a second to take her place in.

You know, I really didn't know what to expect. It was an apartment, that much was a given, more like a loft actually, a rather spacious one with sleek-looking, modern furnishings, exercise equipment scattered about like weights to a full blown stand that had both a punching bag and a speed bag, and windows that provided a picturesque overhead view of a park just outside, though a bit on the messy side. She was a police officer, so, I don't know, I guess I was picturing a few of whatever's the closest equivalent to guns in this world strewn about, like atop the kitchen isle and the living room coffee table that was just littered with multiple coffee ring stains. Instead of weapons of any kind like I had thought, they were old magazines, news papers, and plates stacked atop plates of finished and partially finished food.

"Mother!" Tavi exclaimed once Highground returned to the living room after silencing her alarm clock, her expression and voice filled with disdain. "This place is absolutely dreadful! A pigsty! When was the last time you've tidied up around here!?"

"Eh," the bat mare sounded uncertain, yawning once more while she rubbed at her chin with a hoof, as if thinking it over. "Hmm, when was the last time you visited?"

Tavi half scoffed, half gawked at that answer. "More than a year!? Why haven't you cleaned up!?"

"Busy," she replied simply and lethargically with a carefree shrug, to which Tavi's response was to rub her temple while shaking her head in defeat.

"Ugh... They say the state of one's home often reflects their love life, which, if what I'm seeing here is anything to go by, I have much to worry about yours..."

"Hey," Highground mumbled, low and as if hurt. "I'm uh...I'm seeing somepony..."

Rolling her eyes, Tavi scoffed once more.

"Ha! If what you were going to say was 'my father' and 'from a distance though a set of binoculars' then no love life at all!" Setting her sights back on her mother, she leaned her head towards her while half-lidding her eyes in annoyance. "You know, if it wasn't for your badge, that'd technically be called stalking--professional stalking I might add..."

Her eyes low and her lips pursed, Highground slowly kicked an imaginary rock. "Hey, if paparazzi can do it, so can I... Besides, he'll slip up one of these days, I just know it... Have some hard evidence to rely on for once, and not some anonymous tip that led to a shoddy, circumstantial one that won't hold up in court like last time..."

Wait wait wait, this is kind of difficult for me to wrap my head around... So Highground knows that Tavi knows about her dad? Huh, geez, this is some complicated family dynamic right there, and no wonder Tavi was nervous on the train ride here. Also, it feels kind of, I don't know, off putting for me to be here while this conversation is taking place, especially when the mommy is trying to get the daddy behind bars.

As if knowing just how uncomfortable all this was making me, Tavi changed the subject with, "Hmm, well...since I'm here, and I see first-hoof what kind of filth you've been wallowing in since my absence, I suppose I can give this place a bit of a spruce, perhaps prepare you some breakfast before you head off to work; heaven's knows I get enough practice doing both, what with living with Vinyl and all."

Highground's ears perked as her face lit up a bit. "Oh, speaking of which, how's Vinyl doing?"

"Good," Tavi said, walking into the kitchen area, probably to assess the total extent of this mess. "She says 'Hey' and is still as eccentric as ever. She's at father's, actually."

"Oh." After a few moments of awkward silence, Tavi soon cleared her throat with a deliberately loud, 'Ahem', catching Highground's attention. "What?"

"Well...aren't you going to introduce yourself to Maurice here?" Tavi gestured her head towards me. "He's been standing there quietly for a while, and you've yet to do so."

No, Tavi, no! I was perfectly content with just standing here quietly!

After a pregnant pause, during which time Highground glanced at me from the corner of her eye, she released a breath she seemed to have been holding. "Do I have to?" she asked.

Raising an unamused brow, Tavi responded with, "Do you want your eggs scrambled, or not?"

Highground's eyes scanned the floor space between her daughter and herself, chewing at the inside of her cheek while appearing as if weighing her options. "Fine," she soon sighed out. Turning to me, she locked eyes with mine, pretty unenthusiastically, releasing a dull and simple, "Hey..."

I blinked before responding with, "Eh, hey..."

With that done, she immediately turned back to Tavi.

"Right, now that we've got pleasantries out of the way, I've got my morning exercises to take care off." Sitting on her haunches, her wings extended as she began stretching one foreleg behind her head before switching to the other, her joints audibly cracking with her movements. "Oh, and hun, some pepper and a bit of cilantro on those eggs, as well as a nice glass of orange juice would be much appreciated. Thanks, sweetie."

After just standing there, hoof tapping and lips pursed while staring at her mother stretch in the center of the living room, Tavi motioned me over with a subtle gesture of her head before walking into the kitchen area. Message received, yet still perplexed, I followed her there. Opening my mouth, I made to ask her a question, but my words died in my throat when she raised a hoof, wordlessly conveying for me to stay quiet. Taking a second to peek around me, she glimpsed at her mother. Turning to her myself, I spotted Highground occupied with--

Huh, whoa. She's uh...ok, so like, her forelegs are folded behind her back, yet she's doing push ups with her wings...

Tavi seeming satisfied with that, she walked over to the kitchen sink, turned it on, then began to wash the dirty dishes already in there as she signaled for me to get even closer. Standing right beside her, she made another head gesture, prompting me to crane my neck low and towards her in my confusion.

"Alright, so," she whispered in a volume that only I could hear, masking her voice with the clinking of dishes and the water's hiss. "I know this might be a bit of a stretch for you, but, as I prepare her breakfast, I'd appreciate it very much if you were to go out there and, I don't know, strike up a conversation with my mother." My eyes widened at that.

"Uh, Tavi...I don't think that--"

"I know, I know," she interrupted. "The incident with her in the alley has left you a bit...apprehensive in her presence, which is why I'm asking you to do this. Just have a little talk with her; get to know her and let her get to know you, at least a little. Granted, to those who don't know her as well as I do, she may appear to have this rugged, almost fenced off exterior, but deep down, once she opens up a bit, you'll find that she's not so bad."

"Eh, Tav--"

"Maurice!" she interrupted once more, pressing her nose against mine as she turned to face me. "Please, I only ask for this one favor! How are you to have a chance with her if you don't at least try to speak to her!"

Sliding a finger upwards in between our noses, I gently guided her head back before speaking.

"Um, that wasn't what I was going to say. What I was going to say was: I'll try--big emphasis on try there--but I don't have a clue as to what we can talk about."

"Oh," Tavi said, blushing. She cleared her throat before resuming. "Well, I'm sure there's some common interest you two can chew the fat over."

"Like?" I asked.

"Hmm...you wouldn't happen to have trained as a hoof-boxer, have you?"

I rubbed at the back of my head. "Eh, I took judo for a summer before quitting... Stopped because the instructor was getting a little too frisky for my tastes."

"Flying?"

"With what wings?"

"Have an interest in archery?"

"Strange, but I uh...I...like Legolas..."

"Weapons aficionado? Preferably of the bladed variety?"

"...What?"

"Prone to hurting somepony a bit excessively simply because they annoyed you just that tiny bit more?"

"Oh god!"

"Hmm...doughnuts?"

"Yes!" I exclaimed, immediately jumping on that before the next one was tiers worse. "Doughnuts, I fucking love doughnuts, alright! I'll go wing it with her already, so you can stop now!"

Smirking, Tavi set her sights back to the dishes in the sink. "Hm, good. Was starting to run out of things that were partially true..."

Oh...oh great... Partially true... Well, I'm definitely gonna have myself a gay ol' time...

Steeling what little of my will survived the narrowing process, I took a breath before heading into the living room area, standing a few good feet away from the bat pony as she was still in the middle of her wing push ups.

"Uh," I started, oh so awkwardly, "So I uh...I heard that--"

"Yeah, doughnuts, I know. They're free with coffee to ponies in uniform and who doesn't love 'em?" Highground interrupted in a dismissive tone, her exercise-labored words directed towards the floor as she began to...ah geez...she's one winging it now...

Surprised, I pulled my head back. "Huh, you--"

"Heard? Yeah. These pointy ears of mine aren't just for show." In a quick motion that I couldn't fully register, she switched wings, the stain her workout was putting her through being made evident by the beads of sweat starting to form on her forehead.

"Oh, so uh, you already know that--"

"That my Octav wants us to sit down and have ourselves a little meet 'n greet? Uh-huh..."

Planting her forelegs onto the floor, Highground moved herself upright, sitting on her haunches. Extending a folded wing over to the couch, she snagged a waiting towel with her clawed thumb-looking thing, draping it over her hoof and using it to wipe her brow of sweat while she spoke.

"Listen, I don't hate you, but I don't exactly like you either; you're not the first po--eh, person Octav's brought home to meet me and you sure as hell won't be the last." That's...encouraging... "Besides, even if I was inclined to chat, which I'm obviously not, I doubt we've got anything common to gib over, so the sooner you're out of my house, the more peachy I'll be." Finished with drying herself off, she tossed the towel back onto the couch, then turned to me with a roll of her eyes, sighing begrudgingly before saying, "But, and as much as it irks me the wrong way to say this, it wouldn't hurt to give my filly what she wants by at least humoring her for a bit. So go ahead, start with the yapping. I don't care about what."

Ok, um...I guess I've got one topic I'd like to get out of the way first...

"Alrighty, eh..." Hand rubbing at the back of my neck, my eyes wandered the room nervously while I tried to properly form my words. Catching her hoof thump the floor impatiently, I hurried it up to, "Ok, so, back when we first met--you know, like in the alley--you were kind of..."

Her expression stony, Highground raised a brow. "Of...?"

"You were kind of," my own brows furrowed in worry for how she'd respond, I rubbed at my side as I finished with, "excessive..."

After a few seconds of utter silence between the two of us, her face, much to my surprise, contorted into that of amusement.

"Ha!" she sounded in a low chuckle. "Compared to how rough I'm forced to get with the rowdy drunks I'm normally called in to detain, I think you got off pretty easy!"

"Still..." I said, a hint of resentment in my voice. "If the point of all that was to just pass off a message to Speakeasy--which, by the way, I did give to him--you could have just dropped by to the house and given it to Tavi instead. Or, better yet, you could have cut out the middle man and gone straight to him yourself."

"Nope, not an option." Getting up, she walked over to the speed bag and stood before it. Sitting back onto her haunches, she raised her forelegs up to it and began to pound at it almost perpetually with her hooves, the bag giving off a rapid series of 'thwack's as she spoke. "The second I'd show up there, he'd ask me out to dinner, I'd say no, he'd beg, I'd so no again, then it just becomes this whole thing. Besides, as for what went down in that alley..." ceasing her hoof strikes on the speed bag for one fleeting moment, she turned to me and zeroed in on my eyes, her own narrowing in an intimidating fashion as she said, "Anypony, especially coltfriends, who even thinks of doing my daughter wrong, well...they're more probable to rethink of doing so once they remember just what kind of mother is looking out for her..."

Physically, I was deathly still. Mentally however, well, I was tugging at my collar nervously... Seeing her turn her attention back to the speed bag and continue punching at it, I cringed a little, as it wound't be a stretch to imagine that red punching sack as my dangly bits...

Spotting an opportunity to change the subject, I coughed into my first before immediately did so.

"Actually, eh, now that you've mentioned it--other than the 'putting the scare in me' thing--um, I couldn't help but notice how uh, how loose you were with Tavi when talking about her father. You know, all that stuff about arresting him and junk..."

Still rolling her hoof punches, she shrugged. "Eh, Octav's always known. I tried to keep it hidden from her back when she was younger, but she was a pretty smart filly then; I like to think that's a little quirk she inherited from me. You uh...you already know about the whole situation between Speakeasy and me?"

"Um, not the whole thing, but he kinda gave me a rundown of it pretty recently."

"Hm," she sounded as if in thought. "Well, I suppose I can give you my own take on it. Though just the footnotes since I don't have all day and I've got work to go to soon.

"Family moved here from Hollow Shades when I was a teenager, attended the school here where I met Speakeasy but didn't really think much of him at the time, found out he and his dad ran the local bar when he didn't call out me and my friends out for our fake I.D.s, noticed that he one day stopped coming to school, I enrolled into the police academy after graduation where I soon passed that and became a rookie beat cop, things are A-ok for a few months, yada yada, I soon get chosen to help out with this sting operation where the dumb ass," she chuckled to herself, "the dumb ass suspect flat out admits his crimes to officers hiding in the room, we bust out and bust him and his croonies, I notice that one managed to slip away, I chase after his ass, fucker has me feeling like I'm doing cross country, I finally catch up to him and, just so my little speedster doesn't run off on me again, I cuff him to myself. He was my first real arrest right, and I couldn't have been more excited, but, and here's the real kicker, it starts to rain just then...like, violently.

"We take shelter under a bridge to wait it out, things get awkward quiet, so we start talking to pass the time. Turns out he was Speakeasy... Yeah, he tells me what happened, why he disappeared from school and what happened to his bar and I kinda felt sorry for the guy, I really did. He was down on his luck and I would have let him go if I had the cuff's key on me. Shit gets real quiet again after that, I catch him glancing at my flank every now and then, and I start thinking, 'Well shit, he's kind of cute, I guess'. One thing led to another...then another...then another after that until we both just pass out under that bridge from exhaustion.

"Ew," Tavi called from the kitchen area, where she was whipping something up over the stove. "Mother, please. I'd rather not be reminded that you and father had...relations..."

Highground smirked in her direction. "Well you probably shouldn't have orchestrated this little conference then! Besides," she lazily pointed a hoof in my direction, "you think I'm comfortable with the thought of you and Prince Blueblood here threading the needle? By the way, I'm kind of curious now and I can't exactly see with those leg sweaters he's got on. Does he have like a...like a spiked wangdoodle down there, or what?"

After a bit of silence, Tavi answered with, "Um...it's more like--" Wide eyed, Highground cut her off.

"Oh...my Celestia... You actually know... I was just joking when I asked..." Facehoofing, she lowered her head dejectedly as she shook her head. "Great... Sweetie, I love you, and I'll support whatever life decisions you make, but uh...yeah, I'm gonna need to drown that thought in booze after work... Maybe actually listen to Stella's drunken jabbering for once just to make sure it'd dead and buried in here..."

I'm debating as to whether or not I should take offence to this...

"Anyway," Highground said, turning back to punch at the speed bag again. "I wake up, he's gone, I don't follow, and I soon find out, after an extreme case of morning sickness, that I've got a bun in the oven. The uh, the rest should be pretty obvious by now: I track him down and tell him. He begs me to marry him, I say no, then go my separate way. So I'm thinking, 'that's sad, but that's that'--but!" Rolling her eyes, she then said, "Months later when I'm on maternity leave, I learn that a mass quantity of illegally imported drinks are flooding the market and that I'm going to be assigned the case once I'm off leave."

Just then, and much to my anxiousness, her punches had more force behind them, causing the entire stand to visibly shake with the impacts.

"A month before Octavia's birth however, some fancy high-class lawyer sent on Speakeasy's behalf shows up to my place and serves me joint custody papers... That's weird, right? He didn't have a bit to his name the last time I saw him, and suddenly he's got himself one of the best lawyers money can buy. It wasn't until after Octavi was born and I was assigned the smuggling case that I put two and two together...

Switching over to the punching bag, her next particularly hard punch had its stand teeter, as well as my nerve. "Speakeasy was the ringleader behind it! Of course I couldn't prove it, what with his smooth operation making it next to impossible to gather evidence without probable cause, but I couldn't just let him go! Yes, he's the father of my filly, yes his crime is practically victim-less, but it's still a crime a crime regardless and I'm a police officer! He was my mess--I let him go when I was a naive rookie fresh off the academy, so he was my responsibility to clean up, no pony else's! So I WAIT and WAIT for him to screw up, just waiting for the day I'll finally get him, no matter how long it takes!"

Sweaty and out of breath, she gave the bag one last punch before heading over to the couch. After retrieving her towel again and using it to dry her head, her eyes widened in surprise when she turned and spotted me. "Oh," she uttered, her voice having changed to a more calmer demeanor. "I uh...I almost forgot you were even here... Was kinda in my own little world for a while there, venting... Anyway, uh, I'm fine with waiting; because just like my cutie mark represents, I can be very, very patient..."

Jesus Christ, I thought, too stunned by her display to move so much as an inch. That was venting? Shit, I pray I never see what her yelling looks like...

"Say what you want about Speakeasy though," Highground continued. "He may be a crook, but at least he's been a great father to my filly, and I probably would have given him a real shot a long time ago if he was on the up and up." Rolling her eyes, she then said, "However, I wasn't exactly ecstatic when he tried to play matchmaker with our daughter, hoping to set her up with that Ledger kid of his in the hopes of marriage..."

Well that's interesting.

"Why?" I asked. "Do you think he's uh, not exactly clean himself?"

Highground shook her head. "No. As far as I can tell--unlike daddy dearest--he's on the straight and narrow, and he's set in line to take over Speakeasy's legitimate practices once he retires. Personally, I think no one is good enough for my Octav, but, if she ever decides to settle, then I guess Ledger wouldn't be such a bad pick." Glancing at me from the corner of her eye, she then shot me a raised, scrutinizing brow. "Which reminds me...what exactly do you have to offer to the table? Ledger's going to be a pretty loaded entrepreneur, and you...?"

My brain stalling on that question, my hands, for some reason, started nervously patting at my pockets. "Uh...I've got thirty two bits and blast processing..."

Of course I would say something as stupid as that... Whenever in the face of uncomfortable situations like this, my mind, completely unintentionally, would resort to spouting off some lame joke like that in an attempt to dispel the tension, even if it was a half-assed one that only I understood. Clearly my time here in Equestia hadn't broken me of that habit, and I doubt it will for a long time.

Straight faced, Highground made a not-so-amused snort as she turned to the kitchen. "What's the E.T.A on those eggs, hun?"

"Almost done!" Tavi answered joyously, turning back to us with a spatula in her hoof. "Get dressed and I shall have them ready for you on the table once you're done."

Nodding, Highground walked past me, into the little hallway, then presumably into her room. A minute or two later, she returned, breathing onto the badge pinned to her freshly pressed officer's uniform before wiping it with her hoof, giving it that certain shine.

"Sorry, honey, can't stick around," she said, adjusting her officer's cap atop her head. "Just got a look at the clock and saw that I'm running a bit late--gonna have to take your meal to go."

"Oh, alright..." Tavi said, her ears drooping slightly. I could tell through that little gesture that she wanted her mother to stick around a bit longer, most likely so she could chat with her over breakfast. Giving a small smile, her ears reperked, her hoof seizing a plastic container off a nearby shelf before scooping the eggs into it. Sealing it with the lid, she turned to her mother and offered it to her. "Well, a shame you have to go now, but I'll be sure to leave this place tidier than when I arrived, and I plan to drop by once more before returning to Ponyville."

"Aw," Highground sounded, approaching Tavi and nuzzling into the crook of her neck once she pulled her into a hug. "Thank you, honey... I'd like that."

Returning the hug with equal enthusiasm, Tavi looked in my direction, then, as if trying to signal something to me, had her eyes dart back and forth between her mother and myself. Lost, I cocked my head, conveying to her that I had no idea what she was trying to say. Rolling her eyes, Tavi then mouthed the words, 'The chocolates.'

The chocolates? What's that supposed to--oh, right! Kinda forgot I've been holding on to this the entire time. Shit, if I'm to give her a somewhat positive impression of me, then I've got to do it now before she heads to work.

Clearing my throat, I neared the two right as they began to separate.

"Here, uh, for you." Cautiously outstretching my hand to Highground, I offered her the shoebox sized, ornately-decorated carton. Removing its lid, I took note on how her eyes lit up when she spotted the decadent, nut-topped little confections held within. "I uh...I hope you like them."

"Hmm," Highground hummed, her eyes going from the box to myself, almost as if gauging my worth. "Well," she shrugged, "it's a bit early for sweets, and I have't had breakfast yet, but what the hell." Snagging a chocolate with her wing's thumb, she plopped it into her mouth, then began to chew. "Mmm, this is pretty good. Rich, sweet, a bit...chewy? Huh, is there something in this?" Slowly, very slowly, her face showed distaste as she chewed. "Ok...now it's a...now it's getting a little too sweet. Almost tastes like..."

Just then, with her eyes splaying wide enough for me to see the red streaks in her tired golden eyes, she sat on her haunches and raised her head to face the ceiling as she began to choke, her wing thumbs and hooves clawing at her throat desperately.

"Mother! What's wrong!?" Tavi questioned, staring at her mother in terrified bewilderment.

The corners of her eyes tearing, Highground managed to force a reply through her stifled gags and retches. "P...P...Pineapple!"

"What! Pineapple!? Maurice!" Tavi shouted as she turned sharply to me. "Is there pineapple in those chocolates!?"

As if being told the box in my hand was a murder weapon, I stared at it in shock before shaking my head at her in a panic. "W-What!? N-No! I mean--I don't know! Oh God, she's not allergic, is she!"

"No!" Tavi answered unblinkingly as she shook her head, dumbfounding me. Getting up, Highground ran frantically towards the sink, leaning over it before spitting out what remained of the chocolate. "She just really, really hates them..."

What? I thought, my head cocking and face contorting to match that statement. I hate them on my pizza, yeah, but geez Louis, this woman's acting as if her parent's were gunned down by them in an alley!

Using a hoof to wipe her mouth of brown drool, Highground stared contemptibly at me from the corner of her eye. "Thanks for that...no really...thank you..."

Well shit, I thought, laying flat atop Tavi's bed back in Speakeasy's place, palm on my forehead as I relived the incident over and over again. If I had zero points with Highground before, then there's no doubt that I'm definitely in the negatives now...

As much as I would love to go to sleep and simply forget all of what transpired hours ago, it's not late enough into the night for me to even be remotely tired. Thankfully however, a nice little distraction came about when I heard someone announcing themselves by knocking on the open door to the room.

Not bothering to see who it was, I said, "Sorry Tavi, but I've got a headache right now. And uh, if you're not her, but instead looking for her, then I think she's still chatting with the other's in the dinning room..."

"Actually, I came for you."

Perplexed by the male voice, I removed my hand from my face, lifted my head, and discovered Hops standing there just outside the doorway.

"Ah geez," I grumbled, letting my head fall back listlessly onto the pillow. "Speakeasy doesn't want a word with me, does he?"

"No, somepony's at the front door looking for you. Um, could you hurry there, please? Amber's there and it's getting a bit...well... just please hurry."

Wondering who could be looking for me so late at night, I slid my legs off the bed, then got up, following the green earthpony down the halls and to the front entrance. Reaching our destination, I was perplexed by what I saw.

“...excuse me?” a bat pony asked, dumbfounded. Her familiar, Scottish-sounding accent grew much more prominent as her irritation increased. “Now… go over again why the fuck you haven’t let me in and by extension, why I haven’t broken yer jaw?”

“Priva’e residence, tha's why,” Amber answered simply, her forelegs crossed over her chest and her wings flared as she obstructed the batpony from entering. “Only those invi’ed by Speakeasy can en’er ‘is ‘ome...and frankly, I don’ ‘xactly like the looks of ya…”

The mare, who I think i was starting to recognize, nodded her head upward in perfect understanding, a knowing smile breaking out over her face.

“Ahh! Right! Private residence!” she said pointedly, swinging her hoof in front of her chest. “Then by all means, do carry on!” She moved to turn around and go her own way, but suddenly stopped dead in her tracks as if she had an epiphany. “Oh wait! I literally don’t give a fuck! Piss off before all four of my hooves take ‘private residence’ up yer arse,” she closed in, undeterred.

To Amber's credit, she didn’t seem to flinch, choosing to remain and stand her ground.

“Yeah, scary~ Listen, I li’erally, don’ give a fuck who you are; anypony could just waltz up here with your claims. Now, unless you piss off me boss’s property, I’ll be forced to remove you m’self.”

The bat mare nearly busted out laughing, averting her gaze while covering her muzzle with her hoof… but the attempt was futile; she gave into her guffaw.

“Oohh… whew! Sorry ‘bout that, mate. I just can’t take ya fuckin’ seriously with your shite accent,” she said, giggling. “Oh, but yah, nae. I’d love tae see ya fuckin’ try, cunt… I’m an elite in Her Majesty’s Lunar Guard,” her demeanor darkened but still held its ever-confident smirk.

“Ha,” Amber sounded in amusement with a rise of her shoulders. “An eli’e guard you say? Well I used to be a filly scou' in me youth, ye' you don’ see me flaun’ing tha'.”

“Well that explains yer lot in life,” the mare gestured to Amber and her surroundings. “You have one last chance to get the fuck outta me way, ya sack of cum, before I give you a fuckin’ spine-ectomy.”

“And I’m giving you one las' chance to piss off before I take tha' ‘spine-excotmy' gob shite of yours and exchange it for your fuckin’ facial recons'ruction, ya cun-t” Amber countered, enunciating her accent's normally silent T just to show how serious she was being.

Shrugging, the mare cracked her hoof.

“Suit yerself!”

Right as Amber took a step forward, Hops, thankfully, intervened, moving to stand in between the two, keeping them both apart at foreleg’s length

“Ladies, ladies,” he said, hoping to defuse the situation. “Let’s not allow this to come to blows, especially when you both have so much in common!”

“Really, Hops?” Amber asked, her eyes narrowed at the bat pony. “And wha' exactly would I have in common with a piss an' like her?”

“Eh," he uttered, sounding unsure as he looked back and forth between the two. "You’re both from...Trottingham?”

“What!?” Both mares shouted in unison, Hops' ears flattening as he flinched.

Of all the things said so far, the bat mare actually looked offended at that.

“Nah, I’m actually from ‘Get fucked, you fuckin’ poof, tosser, shitmongler,’” the batpony stated, directing her full ire to the Hops, shaking her head. “Trottingham… I’ll remove yer bollocks through yer fuckin’ mouth, you cheeky cunt.”

Shoving Hops aside, Amber went face to face with Stella, the two mares practically headbutting. “Don’ ya threaten my posh idio',” she warned. “Only I can do tha'…”

Ok, ok...this is getting a little out of hand.

Not wanting this to escalate any further, I coughed loudly into my fist, announcing my presence. Her ears perking at the sound of that, the mare's face brightened the instant her eyes caught sight of me.

“Ah! Viceroy Dickface finally shows!”

After looking around the foyer and failing to spot a pony responding to that name, I it was me she was referring to.

“Uh...hey,” I greeted, the batmare shoving past a very triggered-looking Amber as she approached me.

“This,” she fished out an envelope sealed in wax from her coat and allowed me to take it from her mouth. “Is for you; official business or some other royal fuckin’ government bullshit, I’unno honestly.”

With her job apparently done, she walked back outside, passing by Amber with a smug air about her, then stretching out and flaring her leathery wings.

“Uh, thanks." Just then, with a snap of my fingers, I remembered where I last saw this mare. "Oh! Stella, right? You were there at the castle last night when I visited Luna.”

“Aye,” she nodded, giving a half-hearted salute as she turned away. “Now if you’ll all excuse me, I’m gonna fuck off so I don’t have to eviscerate this fat piece o’ shit,” Stella pointed nonchalantly towards Amber, trotting past her and Hops.

In response, Amber scoffed in amusement. “Ha, fa' piece of shite, you say? I wouldn’' be one to talk, not when you’ve got yourself some hideously obese haunches there. Glass houses and all tha'.”

“Uh huh, whatever helps you sleep at night. And you shut the fuck up,” she added menacingly towards the latter stallion.

Wide eyed, Hops stared back and forth between the hoof inches away from his face and her. Stella grinned victoriously and shot a look back to Amber over her shoulder, still gesturing to the stallion.

“Keep ‘im on a leash.”

Maintaining eye contact with her, Amber grinned. “Why? It’s already shor' enough as it is, and the poor lad could use the exercise…”

“Heh, yer tellin’ me, mate,” Stella lightly chortled. “Yer alright, Barley.”

“Eh, excuse me?" Amber questioned as she cocked her head. "I don’ 'xactly recall introducing m’self…” Stella giggled heartily behind the cover of a hoof. Unamused, Amber rolled her eyes. “Ah whatev's. Hey, the ape here called ya Stella, righ’?”

“Aye… but to answer yer next question: fuck you, that’s how,” she answered simply. She then spread her wings and hovered in place, but she of course needed to have the final word before flying off into the night. “See ya, you scrotey fucks!”

Once she flew off and was out of sight, Amber spoke. “Well, I don’ know ‘bout the rest of ya, but I think that cun’ was qui'e charming… What?” she soon asked, noticing that Hops was staring at her in disbelief.

"So," Hops said with a clop of his hooves, putting everything that just happened behind him as he turned to me. "What exactly's in that envelope? I'd like to know what I was almost killed over."

"Hmm," I hummed, inspecting it.

Well, whatever it is, it was sent by Luna, as, other than the fact that it was personally delivered by one of her guard, the wax keeping it sealed was impressed with the her crescent moon sigil. Slipping my finger under the seem, I tore it open, then shook out its contents onto my waiting hand. Seconds later, I was at a complete loss when three golden tickets plopped out of it.

Saving the added letter that was in it for later, I held them up and was confused by why Hop's and Amber had agape-mouthed expressions at the sight of them.

"Uh...I don't know what kind of Chuck E Cheese I'm supposed to redeem these at, but I am so tempted to sing 'I've Got A Golden Ticket'..."

Author's Notes:

A big thanks to Flammenwerfer for providing Stella's colorful narrative.

Oh, and here's an image sketch of Highground done by crispytee. Colored by Ravvij.

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