Dear Diary

Dear Journal

Dear Book

Dear Piece of Paper

Alright, to hay with that. It’s embarrassing. Why the sam hay did Rarity even get me this thing? It’s not like anything that goes on in my life can’t go straight into the Friendship Journal.

Only reason I’m even using this is because she told me it would help me ‘vent’. I don’t need to vent, I tells her, I just need some space. To take this all in.

She said if I wrote down what happened, and how I felt about it, it might help me think a little straighter. So here I go.

I guess I should start at what happened last night. Not that I remember much of it. Me and Autumn came in late; workload was bigger than expected. Everybody was asleep, so we figured we could hang out for a mite longer before hitting the hay.

I don’t remember who found the cider. I do remember telling him not to sweat drinking it, though. Feller was real apprehensive like. I guess he was just scared that Big Mac would get all mad, not that he’d admit it.

Heck, Big Mac owes me. I think one keg of cider is small potatoes to setting him up with Fluttershy.

We drank the whole thing. All of it. I definitely drank more, but I think I was a little less buzzed than him. I like to think I can hold my drink, but he was another story.

Twilight’s a crazy drunk. Rainbow Dash is a completely sloshed drunk. Rarity is a sad drunk. I think I’m what somepony would call a fun drunk. And Autumn is, apparently, also a fun drunk.  

And when you put two fun drunks in a room together, you’re in for some good times.

He was telling all of these jokes, acting completely ridiculous, and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t liking it. It was a good time. I don’t think I’ve laughed harder in my whole life then that night. I hope think he was enjoying himself just as much as I was.

I joked something about him, I’m not sure what about. I think I called him a lightweight. Would have made sense at the time. And he just gets the biggest smile on his face, jumps over to me, and we start wrestling, both of us laughing our flanks off the whole time. If somepony had seen us, they would’ve called us crazy.

I was holding back. And tired. And drunk. And sore. And

It ends up with him on top of me, pinning my hoofs to the floor. And we’re both just huffing, trying to catch our breath, and at some point, the laughter dies down. He looked at me with just the oddest expression on his face, one I’d never seen on him. I don’t know what it was. He looked happy, I guess, but that’s not the right word.

I don’t remember what he said, or what I said back. All I know is that we said something to each other. And then he leaned down. And I think I might have leaned up.

And then

And the next thing I know, I wake up, and

I woke up and Autumn was

My hoof was aroun

I was sleeping next t

I was sleeping next to Autumn. My face was in his shoulder, my hoof was on his chest, I was pressed into him, he was right there, in my bed, with me, in my room, in my house, with me, naked, in bed, with me, pressed up against me, and I

I

I j

I ca

I was scared as all hell. Scared about what this meant, what it would mean, how he would feel about it, what I just did to us, and it all came rushing into my head at once and it was just it was very it was really

It was a little too much for me. I tried to stay calm, to just stay calm, to not flip my lid over anything, and just lay there.

And so I did. I just laid there, doing nothing. I don’t know how long I did that, but it was enough time for me to think of something like twenty ways that all of this could end badly. He could accuse me of taking advantage of him, and Celestia damn me if any of the sort happened last night, because I have no bucking clue, and neither does he, and it’s just so much of a mess, and if we could just remember this would all get fixed up no problem, but right now, there’s some bucking problems.

He was drunk, and I took advantage of that. I know it. I feel it in my gut. I can hold my drink better than him, I know that. We both know that. It’s my fault. It’s all my fault, it’s all my fault and it’ll never get better, we’ll never get up from this, he’s going to leave, leave the family, leave the farm, leave me.

And I wouldn’t blame him. I really wouldn’t. And he wouldn’t be the only one who’d be hating me.

I don’t know how long it was before I started crying. I just cried my eyes out, and kept saying ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.’ It woke Autumn up. He reached up, took my hoof in his hand, and just held it real gentle like.

It calmed me down a little. I didn’t stop apologizing. I just kept at it, crying and saying sorry, making a real mess of myself.

Crying because I did something terrible to him.

Crying because I ruined our friendship.

Crying because we’ll never have the chance to be something more. I didn’t do what I did outta nowhere. Autumn had been working on the farm from months, chatting with me, telling me all these nice things, making his dumb jokes, rambling like a mad pony. A total goofball, he is.

But he’s my goofball.

And soon enough, right there on that bed, holding my hoof, he was whispering something. Whispering something so quiet that I had to hush up to hear it.

‘It’s okay’ is what he said. He just kept saying it until I stopped blubbering. Then he turns around in bed real slowly, laying on his side, facing me. And I looked at him, and I saw that same look I saw last night.

His hair was all tousled, his eyes were big and had some sort of emotion in them that I just couldn’t make out, and he was smiling.

He reached out and held my cheek in his hand, running that one big finger over my fur. Wiping my tears. And he told me that it was all going to be okay.

Smiling. He was smiling.

I just couldn’t take that smile. Not after what I did.

I jumped right out of that bed, ran out, and just kept running. He called after me, but I couldn’t bring myself to listen. I ran out of my own house because I couldn’t face what I’d done. What I know I did. What I wish I hadn’t done. And when I was running down the path to Ponyville, not really paying attention to where I was going, I kept yelling at myself in my head, telling myself to turn back like a real mare, for his sake.

But I wasn’t strong enough. I just wasn’t strong enough.

I was crying, and running, and hurting on the inside. Hurting something awful, deep in my heart of hearts. It was unbearable. It is unbearable.

It’s a good thing Rarity was up and about to stop me, else I don’t think I would have stopped. She got up early for some fashion show thingy going on in town, but stopped me in the road. Asked me why I was crying, what was wrong, what she could do to help.

I couldn’t say anything just yet. I just pulled her into a hug and cried until I didn’t have any tears to cry no more.

She took me into the boutique. Said all kinds a nice things, and didn’t pry. I really appreciate that. She picked up that I just couldn’t say it, so she gave me this little book. She said to write down everything that happened, and that it would make me ‘feel better’. ‘Give me perspective’. ‘Let me think about it’.

Well, I’m mighty thankful for the thought, but this didn’t help none. If anything, it just made me look at everything that happened a second time.

Oh Celestia, I can’t even imagine how Autumn is right now. He’s probably feeling all hurt and alone. Vulnerable. Betrayed.

And now I can’t stop thinking about him. The way that he would do little things, like say good morning and good night to me every single day. How he had Granny teach him to cook so he could pitch in for meals. How he would notice whenever my mane got cut.

How calm he was when he woke up to something so horrible.

How his fingers felt on my hoof.

How safe I felt with his hand on my cheek.

How soft his smile was.

How that look in his eyes just how it how it just

I put the quill down and shut the diary.

“What the buck am Ah doing?”

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