Author's Notes:

The notes for this chapter got quite long. You can find them here.

“Sink or burn?” Vinyl asks, looking inside of the firebox. Appropriately for the place we’re in, she’s completely covered in coal. I never knew she’d want to become a stoker.

“Depends whether this shit Trixie stuffed into the firebox explodes before the hull goes to hell.” I look unsurely at the green crystals mixed with coal. “What is that even supposed to do?”

“It’s Trixie’s invention,” Trixie replies. “It’ll make the fire burn stronger.”

“Yeah, but remember that the last thing we want is that old junk falling apart,” Hexie mutters, poking a rusty boiler. “We filled it with water and so far I can’t see any leaks. I guess we can light everything on fire and see what happens.”

“Maybe from a safe distance,” I say, looking at the pattern of duct tape, scrap metal, and silver paint hiding a big hole that used to be there just a few days ago.

Hexie shrugs. “Oh, please. Daring Do and Inkie already put our stuff on the deck, Pinchy is there, we pushed this thing out of the dock... You’re not afraid, are you?”

“Okay,” I say. “But if it explodes and kills us all, I’m gonna fire you.”

“Fine.” Hexie grabs a can of gasoline and safety matches. “You’d better back off.” She points at the manometer above the firebox. “When it rises, we have to open the valves and the steam will go to the engines. If it goes into the red field, run.”

She pours gasoline on the coal and throws a lit match inside. We backpedal a bit to watch what will happens.

At first, nothing happens. You know, just burning coal. It will take a while before water boils, anyway, so we’re safe. Unless it starts sinking.

Vinyl yawns. “Where’s the kaboom?”

“In your ass, but it disappeared after penicillin,” I mutter.

“And your mom has–” Vinyl is interrupted by fire reaching one of Trixie’s crystals. The crystal goes boom, echoing through the pipes. Smoke starts to fill the cramped space under the deck.

“Don’t worry, it’s just a hole in the chimney,” Hexie mutters, grabbing a hammer. “But unless you want to get poisoned with carbon monoxide, I recommend getting out of here for a while.”

A few more crystals explode, though not so violently. The fire engulfs coal and soon it gets hotter inside. The hand of the manometer slowly goes up.

“Add coal!” Hexie yells. She’d patched the hole and jumps off the hot pipes. Vinyl grabs a shovel and throws a few lumps inside of the firebox.

“Trixie is pretty sure they’ll manage to do that alone,” Trixie says to me. “Better go on the deck.”

We go upstairs. I walk to the rotten remains of the steerspony’s booth. Lyra is there, resting against the ship’s wheel. I stand by the engine order telegraph – Hexie managed to patch it with wires and it generally works. Or at least worked when we tried it with the engine off.

“Do you know how to steer it?” I ask.

“No,” Lyra replies. “Why didn’t we start yet?”

“The water doesn’t boil yet,” I reply, looking at the manometer in the booth. Or rather, something Hexie installed instead of it, since the original one had been long stolen. It’s a clever thing that more or less tells us when we should start the engines. Unfortunately, it’s still not moving.

“What’s going on?” Daring Do lands next to us. “How long will it take?”

“Hexie says three to five hours,” I reply. From below the deck, I can hear Trixie’s crystals exploding from time to time. Hell, even smoke coming from the chimney turns green. “I’d say closer to five, since it’s slightly bigger than a train.”

“Damn,” Daring Do mutters. “Ahuizotl may get there before us.”

“Where exactly?” I ask, watching Lyra producing a board and a couple of pawns.

Daring Do sighs. “In the middle of the jungle, there’s an ancient temple. Nearby, there lives a tribe of natives who worship a strange cult. I need to talk to their shaman.”

“A strange cult, you say?” I mutter. “If that involves snakeponies, sacrificing virgins, and Morris dance, I’m out.”

“Certainly no Morris dance,” Daring Do replies, watching the greenish smoke unsurely. “Don’t you think we should hide somewhere?”

“I trust Hexie,” I reply. “Even though I don’t trust Vinyl.” I turn to Lyra. “What are you doing with that board?”

“We have some time, so I thought we can play,” Lyra says, pointing at the board. Oh damn. Back at school, so many hours I could have spent learning were wasted on that game...

The rules are pretty simple: a board made of something smooth (nowadays it’s usually some heat-resistant plastic, mostly because dragging a piece of polished granite is not very practical) and nine pawns, often with various mythological symbols on them (mostly for marketing purposes). The goal is to push all the pawns to the opponent’s side of the board using your telekinesis. The only banned thing is physically assaulting the opponent. Distracting, psychological warfare – all of it is fine. For example, Vinyl usually sucks at it, unless the other player doesn’t like offensive jokes.

For non-unicorns, it’s just a game. We call it The Game.

“You won’t win” I mutter. “I once beat Twilight Sparkle.”

“I’ve heard about that,” Lyra replies. “Saying a scientifically wrong thing on purpose and pushing the pawns while she corrects you won’t work this time.”

“We’ll see.” I smirk, seeing that Daring Do takes notes. I wonder when we’ll see a dramatic book about two unicorns fighting an endless duel over the years. Add a romantic subplot, a political subplot, turn it into a musical...

Before I focus, seven pawns are almost on my side of the board. The peripheral ones are a bit behind. I only push the seven pawns enough to block them and direct a stream of my magic at the two marauders. As I expected, once they reach three fourths of the board, Lyra panics, trying to stop them, and her attack breaks.

Well, I underestimated her. She managed to stop all the pawns mere centimetres from her edge of the board. I look into her eyes – it works on many ponies, but not her. Veins bulging, magic sparking... The pieces tremble in the magical field so strong that it could fry an egg.

I guess I’ll have to use my favourite tactics. “Furshlugginer,” I say in the most dramatic tone I can muster, while still looking into Lyra’s eyes. I can see her sweating. “Alter cocker,” I mutter. “Bupkis!”

Lyra can’t resist anymore. She gives out a hysterical chuckle and cancels her magic. “Not fair!” she exclaims when the pawns fall off the board. “Is ‘furshlugginer’ even a word?”

“That’s how my mother calls every old, battered shit that can’t be repaired,” I reply, seeing that Trixie and Ruby joined the audience while we were playing. “In fact, I guess we can name that ship Furshlugginer. It fits.” I see Daring Do staring at her notes in confusion. “It’s written with two g’s.”

“I want to play too,” Ruby says. “Trixie, I challenge you!”

Trixie smirks. “There’s no way you can win with Trixie...”

Turns out, there’s a way. Ruby can pull off quite a creepy blank stare and even the fact that her magic is much weaker doesn’t stop her from holding her ground against distracted Trixie. Of course, Trixie wouldn’t be herself, if she didn’t come up with a solution. She simply closes her eyes and after a while, she’s victorious. Still, nice game if you remember that Trixie is over two times older.

We pass the time, playing against each other. Lyra is mostly about brute force, compensating for a rather narrow scope of her magic, not letting her grab all the pieces. Trixie varies her strength, either pretending to be weak, or suddenly attacking with all her might. Ruby relies on her unsettling glare – she even manages to win with Lyra that way.

“Are you taking a shit there?” Hexie’s voice comes from under the deck. “The water’s ready!”

Well, damn. Let’s see how much our little Furshlugginer is worth. “Dead slow ahead!” I exclaim, pushing the lever of the engine order telegraph. The alarm starts ringing, but ceases a moment later. With a terrible screech, the paddlewheels start turning.

Lyra turns the ship’s wheel, trying to steer us to the middle of the river.

“Slow ahead,” I mutter, operating the lever. “Whatever RPM you find appropriate.”

“You do realise that I can change the engine’s speed only by swearing and banging at the valves with a hammer?” Hexie yells. “Setting a consistent speed of the engine would require tuning it with a hoof grenade, especially since Inkie and Vinyl shovel the coal like there’s no tomorrow.”

“Okay,” I say, seeing that we’re travelling slowly through muddy water, struggling with the stream. “Full steam ahead. It’ll either carry us or fall apart.”

The symphony of swears, metal parts hitting against each other, and steam blowing through leaking pipes resembles the sound a cat makes when it’s killed by a steamroller, except the cat is a cyborg made of steel and vacuum tubes, and the steamroller is soon crushed by enormous pipe organ falling from the sky.

“Hey, it’s working!” Ruby exclaims, pointing at the paddlewheels. We leave a trail of black smoke behind us, but they’re turning more or less steadily, propelling us up the river.

Vinyl emerges from under the deck, completely black. “It’s terribly hot down there,” she mutters. “Even the heat here is better...”

“Eeyup,” I mutter, too busy watching the river for obstacles. I spot Wild Hunt on the bank – she’s talking with some bloke who is tied to a crane in an abandoned harbour in such a way that his hooves nearly touch water. From what I know, the river is full of piranhas, so I don’t envy him.

Wild Hunt notices us too. She smirks at the guy and flies to us, landing on the deck next to Lyra. “Hello,” she says, smirking. “I knew such a thing could only belong to you. You scared all the fish.”

“Sorry, I didn’t know you are a keen angler,” I reply, staring at the guy. “What did he do?”

Wild Hunt waves her hoof. “He’s fucked up.” She shrugs. “It’s the third time I hang him like that and he still didn’t learn. Like, he has the money and I know it, but he never pays for rubber on time.”

“Maybe he likes it,” Vinyl says. “I know some guys who’d like to be eaten. Literally.”

“Eww...” Wild Hunt winces, causing her scars to form an interesting shape on her face. “Next time I’ll just break his legs.”

Daring Do shrugs. “Tell him that there are candirus here.”

“Candy-what now?” Ruby asks.

“It’s that funny fish,” Lyra replies.

“Funny fish?” Vinyl furrows her eyebrows. “What’s funny about fish? I mean, I had a friend who put his dick into a dead fish’s mouth and–” She notices the stares we’re giving her. Normally that wouldn’t bother her, but it’s really hard to ignore Wild Hunt. “But that wasn’t funny. It was wrong on so many levels that my head hurts just by trying to count them...”

“I meant that fish that crawls into your hole when you pee into the water,” Lyra says, blushing. “And not the funny one...”

“It’s a common myth,” Daring Do replies. “I once spent a week hiding from natives underwater, breathing through a straw and warming myself with mud and my own urine. No fish ever wandered there.”

“I call bullshit,” I say. “No one can breathe through a straw for that long, especially submerged into the water. The pressure–”

“Okay, okay,” Daring Do mutters. “But I can assure you the fish thing is a myth.”

“How about number two?” Vinyl asks.

I look into Vinyl’s eyes. “You know? I think you need a bath. What would you say about keelhauling?”

“I gotta go,” Wild Hunt mutters, taking off. “I kinda left that punk hanging...”

The last buildings of Maneaus disappear behind us. Soon, we’re in the middle of a jungle, filled with sounds of numerous beasts and smells of, to put it bluntly, a huge pile of rotting foliage on a sunny day. The engine works steadily, adding to the cacophony.

It starts raining. The local weather team clears the sky above the town, but no one gives a shit about the jungle. After all, a rainforest without rain would be... well, I can’t come up with anything more insightful than an observation that rainforests without rain would be just forests. Sue me.

“Free shower!” Vinyl exclaims, standing in the middle of the deck. Soon, there’s a large puddle of soot and water around her. Daring, Trixie, Lyra, Ruby, and I watch her from the crowded steerspony’s booth.

Ruby sighs. “I swear, if she starts singing...”

Too late. Vinyl is already singing a showtune and dancing on the deck.

“I can grab some cloud and make lightning hit her,” Daring Do mutters. “But a wet, iron ship...”

Hexie’s head pokes from under the deck. “I only want to tell you that Inkie would want someone to spell her off, we have ten centimetres of water in the cargo hold, and the whole deck is shaking as if some idiot was dan–” She turns and sees Vinyl. “Oh. Actually, dick with that.”

“With what?” I ask.

“Literal translation,” Hexie says. “Who wants to shovel some coal now?”

“I’ll go,” I reply. “You know how to use that?” I point at the engine order telegraph.

“It has only one lever,” Trixie replies. “Can’t be more complicated than an average stallion. Even Vinyl would manage.”

“Vinyl wouldn’t know what ‘ahead’ and ‘astern’ mean,” Ruby mutters.

“Maybe,” I say, walking to Hexie.

Inkie walks from under the deck, drenched in sweat. Unlike Vinyl, she apparently spent more time actually shoveling rather than getting herself dirty. She smirks and raises her hoof, leaving a black outline of her hoof on my chest. “That’s how Tartarus looks like,” she mutters, pointing behind her. “And I’m burning the sinners.”

“What?”

“Mom kept telling us such stuff,” Inkie replies. “It’s hard to forget that.”

“I can imagine.” With these words, I walk downstairs.

Inkie was right. The temperature reaches at least fifty degrees, there’s lots of coal and wood scattered everywhere and in the middle of it there’s the glowing furnace. Heat radiates around, immediately making me sweaty. Hell, even the water that indeed leaks inside is already warm.

I levitate the shovel and throw some coal into the furnace. Hexie walks to the valves and tries to turn one of them. Then she just bashes it with a hammer.

“I don’t think that’s how you do it,” I mutter.

“It’s so rusty I’m not sure if it even does anything.” Hexie shrugs. “Also, we won’t need that much fire now.” She points at the manometer. “If we can believe this thing, of course.”

Maybe. At least I sit in a warm, dry place, unlike the rest of my friends. It’s even a bit too warm, so I keep drinking water.

“Check the taste of your sweat from time to time,” Hexie says, watching me.

“Is that some new fetish?” I ask. “I’m not Vinyl.”

“Nope, it’s the oldest trick in the stoker’s book,” Hexie replies. “If it’s not salty, it means you’re out of electrolytes.” She grabs a block of salt and licks it.

“Do you have another one?” I ask, watching as she grabs a hoof-rolled cigarette and touches the furnace with it. The cigarette lights up on contact. “No offense, but it’s not exactly hygienical...”

“The other side is clean.” Hexie gives me the salt. I take a lick.

“Well, Vinyl licked it once.” Hexie smiles sheepishly.

I fight the urge to retch. “Do me a favour,” I mutter, “and go fuck yourself.”

Before Hexie manages to come up with some equally clever remark, the sound of alarm rings in our ears. Hexie walks to her side of the engine order telegraph and turns to me with a surprised expression.

“Dead slow ahead,” she says. “Is there some obstacle there, or what?”

“I’ll take a look,” I reply. Instead of using the conventional ladder, I simply teleport on the deck. You know, I need to practise it more. Even though I can’t go further than about a hundred metres, even short-distance teleportation is quite useful in combat.

“We need to go faster!” Daring Do exclaims. “They’re ahead of us!”

“What’s going on?” I ask.

“We just noticed that,” Inkie replies, pointing at some black shape floating in the water next to us. Several more such things are approaching us. “Someone throws those to slow us down.”

“Yeah,” Vinyl mutters, resting her shotgun against the rail at the bow of the ship. “And look what they do when I shoot them...” She reloads and shoots. The black sphere in front of us explodes, sending a splash of water over the treetops. “See? Shit got real.”

“Well, crap,” I mutter. “Can you see those guys?”

“About a mile from us,” Daring Do replies. “They can be seen on straights...”

Lyra turns to avoid running into another barrage of mines. “What if you catch one and drop it on them?” she asks.

“It’ll explode once I touch it. Those guys think of everything.” Daring Do shrugs, watching Vinyl shooting another mine, probably because she likes the explosions.

“Did they think of magic?” Trixie aims her horn at one of the mines and levitates it out of the water. “It doesn’t explode. It occurs to Trixie that they have a simple contact fuse rather than a magnetic or magical sensor.” She levitates a few more mines. “Lyra, tell Hexie to go as fast as possible.”

“We’re gonna hit something!” Daring Do exclaims.

“This may work,” I mutter, watching the river. “The mines seem to float closer to the left bank. If Lyra turns right...” My train of thoughts is interrupted by the sound of the engine accelerating. Inkie goes under the deck to shovel more coal. Nearly scraping the paddlewheels against the bottom on the right bank, we chase the attackers.

Soon, we don’t even need to dodge mines – after all, how many of them can be kept on a large pontoon boat powered only by a small diesel engine? No wonder we managed to catch up with them – against the stream it’s no faster than masturbation when all you have is a user’s manual of a can opener.

We reach a straight fragment of the river. I can see the pontoon in front of us, along with four stallions on the deck. Vinyl fires a shotgun at the one standing in the back – a large, ginger earth pony with sideburns. Of course, they’re out of her range, but she still manages to gain attention of a grey stallion with sunglasses, whose cutie mark is, quite appropriately, an explosion.

“I see Rogue and Withers are on it,” Daring Do mutters. “And I’m pretty sure Biff and Dr. Caballeron are there too...”

Suddenly, a bullet bounces off the railing. We look at the ship and see the grey stallion called Withers pulling the bolt of a rifle.

“Trixie doesn’t like to be shot at, you fool!” Trixie shouts, levitating the mines she picked up. Withers lowers the rifle and takes off his sunglasses, apparently dumbfounded by the sight. Rogue pulls him away when Trixie throws a mine at their boat.

The mine explodes when it hits the water. Smoke obstructs the view, but when it dissolves, we see a damaged boat with a jammed rudder, drifting slowly to the left bank. The guys don’t seem to give up yet – a bullet flies above Trixie’s head. Trixie, not used to such treatment, replies with all the mines she has left.

Most of them hit the trees and the river bank, but at least one goes below the boat and throws her a few metres above the water. The pontoons break and the boat falls down as a rain of wood, rubber, and bent metal.

“Did Trixie kill them?” Trixie mutters, staring, wide-eyed, at the effects of her little freakout.

“No such luck,” Daring Do replies, rolling her eyes. “Those guys are like hepatitis. Hard to get rid of.”

“Maybe we should help them?” I ask, watching the wreckage.

“Eeyup.” Ruby grabs her BB gun and shoots the only remaining pontoon. “Like, put them out of misery.”

“My mane!” I hear from our left. “That sick cunt ruined my mane!”

“Withers, for fuck’s sake...” A pony in a wet, black hat emerges from the water next to Withers. “I am, of course, surrounded by idiots?”

The guy with sideburns jumps out of the water. “A fish! It’s one of those that crawl into your–”

“¿Que chingados te pasa?” Dr. Caballeron jumps from the nearby try. “They’re running away!”

A bunch of bananas falls on his head. When I turn, I see Ruby standing with her BB gun and smiling mysteriously.

The voices of the unfortunate thugs drown in the sound of our ship’s siren. Or rather, they’d drown, but the siren is full of holes. We pass by them and continue triumphantly up the river. For another two hours.

After that time, Hexie walks from under the deck. “I wouldn’t want to worry you, but the patches didn’t take your fireworks well. Water now reaches my knees and the engine doesn’t want to cooperate.”

Daring Do looks around. “Everypony to the pumps! We need to get rid of the water and fix the leaks!”

“I’d suggest...” Hexie scrunches her face. “Sztrandowanie... Kurwa, how is that in your language?”

“Getting out of there?” Vinyl asks, looking at the water.

Daring Do smacks her, causing her to almost fall under the deck. “Pump out the water!”

“Hey, only I can kick her,” I say. “Also, we won’t do much if Vinyl snaps her neck...”

“Aargh!” Ruby exclaims. I look at the place where I last saw her, but she isn’t there. Suddenly, despite the heat of the jungle, I feel cold.

“I’m here!” Ruby shouts. I look up and see her holding a branch of a nearby tree, a few metres behind the ship. Wait, what is a tree doing there? Suddenly, I can hear the sound of metal scraping against the bottom of the river.

“Lyra, what the hell are you doing?” Daring Do exclaims, flying to the steerpony’s booth.

“I’m here,” Lyra replies from under the deck. “You said, ‘everypony to the pumps and–” Her voice drowns in the sound suggesting that we hit some underwater root.

“Kurwa, to sztrandujemy w końcu, czy nie?” Hexie yells. We hit another root, this time it’s accompanied by a sound of metal ripping.

“Fuck this shit!” Vinyl runs from under the deck. “Door! Where’s the door? I need door to make a raft!”

“Vinyl, shut up!” I smack her in the back of the head. “We’re a metre away from the bank!”

Vinyl runs around the deck before finally jumping off the ship and landing in some bushes. I choose a more elegant solution and simply teleport out of the deck, taking a large part of our luggage with me. I find a nice place to watch as Daring Do kicks Lyra out of the ship, and then helps Inkie get out. Trixie tries to teleport, but she ends up falling into the water. Hexie simply kicks through the rusty starboard and swims out, grabbing Trixie on her way.

“A little help here?” Ruby asks, still holding the branch. Daring Do flies to her and carries her to us.

With a loud rumble, the ship leans to the side and the river carries it away from us. Seems that she’ll go to Maneaus without us.

“Okay,” I say when we are all together on the bank, spitting water and checking how much of our stuff swam to the sea. “What are we gonna do now?”

“First off, Lyra.” Daring Do walks to the pony in question. “When I say ‘everypony to the pumps’, this doesn’t include a pony holding the helm. Get it?”

“Get it.” Lyra blushes.

“Do you have the map?” Daring Do asks.

“Excuse me,” Vinyl says. “I think I blew my nose in it.”

For a moment Daring Do looks like she’s going to say something really bad about Vinyl’s parents. However, she takes the map without saying a word. Good for her. Vinyl’s parents are actually pretty nice and her brother is totally hot. We kind of fucked once, but since Vinyl also fucked my brother, I guess we’re even.

“I know where we are,” Daring Do mutters. She’s taken off to look at the jungle and now she’s sitting on the nearby branch.

“A hundred miles from our destination?” Inkie asks.

“No. About fifteen,” Daring Do replies. “It’s those pyramids you can’t see from here.”

“So, what are we waiting for?” Ruby stands up. “Let’s go!”

Jungle sucks.

Sure, waving a machete around and cutting your way through foliage may look cool, but after ten minutes in extreme heat, you wish you were still in the middle of the river. You think you’re at least walking on nice, hard ground? Fuck you. Mud reaches your knees at some points and, what’s worse, it’s inhabited by some little shits that only wait to get tangled in your coat and suck your blood or lay eggs in the wound. Daring Do is lucky – she can fly above the ground.

At least it turned out she had two pairs of rubber boots in her luggage. We give them to Inkie and Hexie. The unicorns have to stop from time to time to burn bugs with magic. It goes as well as you’d expect – I have a few burn marks on my legs due to Trixie being rather too eager to help me.

Speaking of Trixie, she’s not in the best shape. Two years of good life caused her arse to take a few steps towards developing its own gravity field, and it shows. Soon, we’ll have to stop, which won’t be any better. Daring says some of the trees here produce resin that would burn through one’s skull if it fell on their head. Oh, and did I mention the giant bees? Ruby shoots one with her BB gun. A moment later, we need to run.

“Here!” Daring Do yells, dodging several bees. A moment later, she needs to dodge Vinyl who shoots the swarm with her shotgun. She darts to the left and hides in a large bush. “Hide here!”

Without further prompts, I grab Ruby and teleport with her into the bush. A moment later, we both lose our breakfast.

“What the hell is that...” I mutter.

“Don’t worry,” Daring Do replies. “The bees hate that smell.”

“I wonder why?” Ruby retches.

A second later, Inkie joins us in the bush. At least she manages to stop her stomach from any violent actions. Meanwhile, I simply grab Vinyl with my magic, while Lyra and Trixie shoot beams at the incoming bees, covering Hexie as she runs to us.

“I think we can get out,” Daring Do mutters. “We’re covered in that smell and they won’t fit inside.”

“That’s what she said,” Vinyl replies, earning a glare from Daring.

Eventually, Trixie and Hexie grab Lyra and drag her into the bush. Apparently, Lyra decided to make up for destroying the ship by dying heroically. Luckily, it wasn’t needed.

“Seems that we’re safe now,” Inkie says, watching the bees. They’re flying above us, but none of them try to attack us.

“Yeah, but we smell like toilet at school after Snips went there.” Ruby winces. “Are we ever gonna get rid of this smell?”

“Serves you right for pissing them off,” I mutter.

At least after a while we get used to the smell. It also scared all the smaller insects that were trying to turn our coats into a maternity ward, so I’m no longer afraid that in two weeks a swallowtail would fly out of my leg, which would then wither and fall off.

The weather decides to bless us with heavy rain. We hide under the leaves, but it’s not much better – water is flowing from them on our heads. We climb on the top of a small hill and stop in the only spot on the ground that is not mud. In fact, it seems like a whole lot of branches piled on one another.

“How far is that place?” Vinyl asks, trying to see something through her soaked mane.

Daring Do, her wings so wet that she’s no longer able to keep herself in the air, lands next to us. “Well, it shouldn’t be that fa–”

Suddenly, the branches break and we all fall into a hole they were covering. Or rather, it’s not a hole – it’s a short tunnel, leading to a steep, muddy slide. You can imagine what we’re thinking about such mistreatment.

Actually, I’m not thinking much. It’s kinda hard when you suddenly drop two metres down, on a slippery slope and, after a desperate struggle, slide down the hill on your bum. Trixie is screaming next to me. I leave a fair amount of my skin on a stone hidden in shallow mud and I almost bite my tongue off.

“Wooohooo!” Vinyl yells. “It’s like the best waterslide ever!”

“Why does this keep happening to me?” Lyra shouts. I look at her – she’s sliding down in the weirdest position, on her back, but head-first.

“Don’t ask me...” Inkie spreads her hooves to slow herself down, but it hardly helps. Even Daring Do, who has two additional limbs, can’t do anything against the gravity.

Finally, we reach some flatter place. I watch as Hexie skids to a halt centimetres from a shallow pond – she catches a branch and reaches her hoof to catch Ruby. Lyra and Vinyl, tangled together, end up even closer to the pond than Hexie. I can see Lyra saying something, but before she can finish, she notices Trixie.

Have you heard about momentum? It’s mass multiplied by velocity. Trixie’s velocity is quite big and her mass... Well, you get the idea. Anyway, Trixie rams into Vinyl and Lyra and they splash into the pond. I notice that I’m about to join them, so I focus my magic and teleport to the other side of the pond.

Momentum, my ass. You can learn to break physics by suddenly disappearing and appearing in a different place, but cancelling the momentum is a completely different story. In this case, the story ends with me landing in some thorny bush. My injured side causes my vision to darken for a moment.

When I wake up, I see Daring Do on all four with grace, just before the pond. Inkie, Hexie, and Ruby walk to her, watching Trixie, Lyra, and Vinyl swearing at each other while trying to get out of the pond.

“Can we do that one more time?” Vinyl asks when she gets out of the pond and shakes the water off of her.

“Once I get a tetanus shot,” I mutter, staring at the graze in my side and picking some thorns from my ass. Then I look at the sorry remains of the bush I landed on. “Hey, Daring, is that shit poisonous?”

Daring Do looks at the bush. “Not really. It finds some use in medicine, actually. Your hormones may be freaking out for a few days, but nothing serious.”

“Hormonal changes are nothing serious?” I ask. “What would be serious then?”

“Growing a penis,” Vinyl replies.

“Trixie can still drown her in that pond...”

Before I can agree to that, I hear a strange laughter behind me. Well, it’s more like something between a hyena and a cat with asthma, but still, it’s a laughter. I turn around to see an old, wrinkled stallion. He was probably never very tall, but years (centuries?) of life made him no bigger than a foal.

“What are you laughing at, old fart?” I ask.

“Mud,” he replies, almost rolling in laughter. “Bathing in mud! Good for skin.” He points at Lyra. “She peed into it. Good for skin...”

“Hey, I didn’t!” Lyra exclaims, blushing furiously. Vinyl and Trixie suddenly decide to get out of the pond.

“Huehue Nacaocuilin!” Daring Do exclaims. “Nice to see you again!”

“Say what now?” Ruby raises her eyebrows. “Are you laughing at us?”

“I’m pretty sure that’s his name,” Vinyl mutters, looking at the old guy, who laughs even louder. “Huehue Cocoa Filling. Nice.”

Daring Do sights. “Huehue Nacaocuilin! That’s his name in Nahuatl.”

“It’d kinda suck if he came to Equestria,” Vinyl says. “Nopony would take him seriously.”

“Do tell.” Hexie rolls her eyes. “My parents called me ‘Nakrętka’. You may guess why I changed it at the first opportunity.”

“What does it mean?”

“A kind of screw,” Hexie replies. “Hexagon nut, in fact.”

Trixie hits her forehead with her hoof. “Didn’t you change your name to Hexagon Nut?”

Hexie chuckles. “Kinda... But I could’ve called myself Sex Bolt, you know. Besides, when did you hear someone using my full name last time?”

“All insane!” Huehue Caca-whatever exclaims. “Good company, Winged Weirdo. Good company!” He stands up. “With me. With me!”

Lyra climbs out from the pond and walks to me. Wet and covered in mud, she looks rather miserable. I guess I don’t look much better. Vinyl is similarly stained, but at least she’s happy like a pig in shit, which can’t be said about the rest of the group.

For a while we walk in silence. At least it stopped raining and the jungle isn’t as dense here. I can even see some stones – all that remained from buildings that used to belong to some dead civilisation.

“Hey, I need to know something,” Vinyl says. “What does all that Huehue Coco-Jumbo mean?”

“Old Maggot,” Daring Do replies. “His tribe finds it very funny.”

“Suits him,” Hexie says.

“Shut up, Hexagon Nut.” Vinyl chuckles. “You know what’s funny? Of all the ponies here, only Minuette, Inkie, and Trixie have names that don’t mean anything.”

“Mine is Prench,” I say. “It’s a kind of dance.”

“‘Incredentia’ can mean ‘unfaithful’ in Neightin,” Inkie mutters. “Mom was never proud of me.”

“Beatrix. She who makes happy.” Trixie sighs. “You think your mom sucked? Trixie’s mom...” She lowers her head. I don’t know anything about Trixie’s mother because whenever Trixie talks about her, it involves copious amounts of alcohol, self-loathing, and violence, but I think she was a circus artist.

“Happy, huh?” Huehue chuckles. “Gonna be happy soon!”

Vinyl stops. “I’m not going with him,” she says. “Last time I heard that, I woke up in a bathtub full of ice and a sticky note saying, ‘be happy your kidneys are shit, or we’d take one’.”

“Don’t worry, I know this guy,” Daring Do says. “Hey, Huehue...” She speaks slowly and clearly. “We need answers, you know? Answers.”

“Answers... Have those too,” Huehue replies. “Come with me!”

We walk through jungle till we reach a large clearing with ruins of an ancient temple in the middle of it. Around them, there’s a couple of straw huts. The locals are gathered around the campfires – no wonder, it’s the best time for supper. They seem to be friendly – soon they surround us, asking Huehue about something. He replies with long, complicated words that, knowing him, mean “morons from Equestria came to bathe in mud and get mugged”.

“What now?” Inkie asks.

“We’ll eat supper,” Daring Do replies, walking to a smaller and dirtier hut in the middle of the village.

My jaw drops. We friggin’ flew here for like, two weeks, got into a staged fight with a minotaur, blew up a military base, and got drunk with a scar-covered bat pony just to eat supper with some old fart who’s missing a few marbles? What the hell?

“Trixie could use something to eat...” Trixie mutters. Well, by her standards it’s muttering, but it’s heard by the whole village.

“Yeah, as if your ass wasn’t fat enough,” Ruby whispers. Luckily, Trixie can’t hear that, especially since Huehue gestures us inside his hut.

It is as dirty as its outside. Once my eyes get used to darkness, I notice that it’s full of weird items: wooden masks, golden monuments (Daring looks at one of them hungrily), jars full of dried leaves... Our host lights the fire and puts a small cauldron above it. We sit around it – I have second thoughts about that, but Daring Do and Lyra seem fine.

For a while, we watch Huehue adding various ingredients, like herbs and seemingly random twigs into the cauldron.

“Hey, I know those,” Hexie says, watching the mushrooms being thrown into the cauldron. “You eat one and you spend rest of the night with the fairies.”

“My mom wouldn’t let me even talk with you.” Inkie sighs. “What’s next? Beating old mares?”

“I’m not taking those,” Ruby says. “Someone has to be reasonable, you know.”

“Me too.” Hexie nods. “Someone has to be reasonable and an adult.”

I turn to Daring Do. “I wonder how exactly eating mushroom soup made by that old shroom is supposed to help us. Shouldn’t we, like, look for clues, or something?”

“Oh, we do,” Lyra says. “At the very source. Those mushrooms, when correctly prepared, give access to a magical plane of existence which allows you to see distant past. And that’s what we’re going to do.”

“That shit makes no sense,” Vinyl says. Strange, I’ve never expected reason from her. “If that was so simple, everypony would go there to see Celestia’s first sex...”

Thank you. I really didn’t need that mental image, Vinyl. Though the mention of Celestia reminds me of Twilight Sparkle – she did travel into the past after drinking some white stuff after all... Or at least that’s what she told me.

“Huehue is the only shaman that can prepare this potion,” Daring Do says. “And the mushrooms are rare, even in this rainforest.”

“Still, I don’t feel convinced.” I watch our host as he adds eggs to the soup. I’m not sure, but they don’t look like something an average chicken would lay. More like an average pterodactyl.

“Ready!” Huehue grabs a couple of bowls and puts them in front of us. “Take care of you, the little fart will.”

“Who are you calling a little fart?” Ruby asks, standing up.

“The one who gets offended by that.” Huehue chuckles. “You and your friend.” He turns to Hexie. “Cogwheels in the brain. All insane. All visiting old Huehue... Old Old.”

“Not very reassuring,” Trixie mutters, staring into the muddy soup in front of her.

“What’s the worst that can happen?” Lyra asks. “It’s not like we’re gonna fry our brains or something...” She levitates a spoon and puts it in the soup.

“You just had to say that, didn’t you?” Inkie shudders, but swallows a spoonful of soup. It seems that I have no choice but to try it too.

“Would be nice with a little salt,” I mutter after chewing the mushrooms.

“From my experience: that’s some weak shit,” Vinyl mutters. “Like, where are the fairies?”

Weak shit, indeed. I can’t see nothing strange around me. Vinyl rambles for a while, colourful words floating around her head. Nothing out of ordinary. Screw that, maybe I’ll take a walk? I stand up from the ceiling and walk through the surface of Venus. After a moment, I notice Vinyl flying to me, somersaulting between the fields of sentient, purple mushrooms.

“I still can’t feel anything,” Vinyl says, stopping to let a herd of fish pass. “How about you?”

“Nothing,” I reply, staring into the pink sky. “Where’s the rest?”

“Fuck me if I know,” Vinyl replies. “Maybe they got high. Lucky them.”

“I’m a bit worried, though.” I shrug. “Maybe we’ll ask that herd of space whales if they saw them?”

Vinyl squints to look at the whales. “Dunno. It may be their mating season. They can ruin whole cities then.”

“I can’t see any city here.” I poke the nearest purple mushroom with my hoof. “Also, there’s only one way to know. Let’s go and ask them.”

“Fine.” Vinyl takes off into the sky that meanwhile turned green and glowing. I fly with her, but lose some distance after having to dodge a petunia falling upwards.

“Vinyl?” I shout. “Where are you?”

“I’m on a roll, baby!”

I turn to see that she is, indeed, on a roll. Like, it’s the biggest fucking kaiser roll with poppy seeds I have ever seen in my life.

“I’m gonna be there faster than you!” Vinyl exclaims.

Vinyl faster than me? Not on my watch! I kick the minute hand and soon the watch nearly catches up with her. We circle above the space whales, barely avoiding a collision with a pink filly flying somewhere. She’s probably rather busy and I have a feeling that she’d rather not talk with us. She looks at us as if we didn’t belong here.

“Hey, mate!” I yell at the nearest space whale. “Have you seen a fat magician, an insane adventurer, her weird assistant, and a shy country girl who seems relatively sane in comparison?”

“This way and two thousand years ago,” the space whale replies. “Then you have to go left.”

“Thanks, mate,” I say. “Gotta go, you know.”

“Take care!” I shout just before speeding up to eighty eight miles per hour.

“Hey, Minuette!” Vinyl chases me through ages and centuries, almost crashing into a group of ancient pegasi gathered on a cloud. “Do you trust a space whale?”

“Are you racist, out of the sudden?” I ask. “It’s a space whale. They know shit.”

“But they have a terrible sense of direction,” Vinyl replies. “What if he meant two thousand years into the future?”

“We may always ask that strange pony with metal legs who totally copies your mane,” I say, pointing at the nuclear wasteland below us. “Hey, you! Is that the past?”

“I’m not drinking this crap again...”

“She doesn’t know,” I tell Vinyl and shrug. “But this doesn’t look like the past.”

We take a shortcut right through the surface of the ground: screw the time and space continuum, we’re in a hurry. We barely avoid ramming into Tirek’s cage, but soon we’re out in the open.

“I think it looks like the right planet,” I say, watching a blue and brownish sphere below us. “How do you think, Vinyl?”

“Dunno, I sucked at geography,” Vinyl replies, aiming her roll at the continent in front of us. “But yeah, looks like it. After all, how many planets have oceans?”

“More than you think.” I look at the planet. The continents look familiar, but you can never be sure. “Like, with all the parallel universes... There’s a lot of them and they may look almost the same like ours, but, for example, we can be aliens in one of them. Totally weird ones, with only two legs or something.”

“I know, I’ve read all your issues of Scientific Equestrian while taking a dump in your toilet,” Vinyl replies. “I guess there’s also a planet with an island on it. In the middle of the island there’s a tower where an old hermit writes about everything that happens to us.”

“Highly unlikely,” I say. “And about the planet, there’s only one way to find out.”

“That is?”

“We need to land.” I aim my watch at the planet. Vinyl follows me as we enter the atmosphere. Ouch! It’s pretty hot in here. I wonder why we don’t burn yet. Well, Vinyl’s roll turned into a toast, but nothing worse than that. We fly as fast as we can, wind blowing through our manes. Soon, we’ll reach the layer of clouds.

“Watch out.” Vinyl’s voice can barely be heard in the wind. “Missing the continent can make you incontinent.”

“How long did you think about that?” I ask.

“Whole centuries!” Vinyl throws her head back in laughter and kicks her roll, causing it to even the flight.

Finally, we land gently on some desert. It doesn’t exactly look like the ones in Equestria ˜– it’s drier and hotter, with bright yellow sand. There’s some strange smell in the air. Unfortunate implications aside, it’s kinda like sweat of a young filly who’s on her way into the first heat.

I look at Vinyl to tell her about that, but suddenly, my jaw drops. Instead of Vinyl, there’s a foal next to me – a small, white filly, probably Ruby’s peer. She has an electric blue mane tied in a braid and notes as her cutie mark.

“Minuette,” the filly says, “you look younger...”

Shit. I think I know who smells like a cheerleaders’ changing room on a sunny day – my thirteen-year-old self, about to hit puberty.

“You too,” I reply, trying to ignore an itch in the place that I forgot about recently.

“Damn.” Vinyl looks at herself. “That explains why, despite you smelling like a Neighponese brothel, nothing goes on in there.” She unceremoniously puts her hoof between her hind legs and makes a few suggestive moves, but apparently without any effect.

“Okay, so we’re, like, seventeen years younger and we’re in the middle of the desert,” I say when she definitely gives up. “How do you explain that?”

“I guess the mushrooms kicked in.” Vinyl shrugs. “Maybe we should look for the rest?”

“They probably know as much as we do.” I look around and notice that the roll and watch disappeared. Instead, I can see the silhouettes of a few pyramids on the horizon. “By the way, we screwed up. We’re in Haygypt.”

“Not my fault.” Vinyl’s voice is much higher than usual, making it sound like a knife scratching glass. “The planet kinda turned when we were landing...”

“Just great.” I take a few steps towards the pyramids. Vinyl follows me and soon we totally seem like two ordinary fillies wandering across the desert.

We walk for an hour, but the pyramids don’t seem any closer. Maybe it’s some hallucination?

“Fuck this,” Vinyl says, dropping on the ground. “First heat and rain, now heat and no water.” She raises from the sand, hissing and rubbing burns on her bum. “Can we go to some cold place next time?”

“Cry me a river, little shit,” I mutter – best proof that the hormones started to affect me. “To think about it, it’s tempting to leave you here.”

“I’ll tell mom on you,” Vinyl replies.

“Mine or yours?” I ask, feeling a chill running down my spine. After all, my mom already thinks I’m a mashugana iungatsh and leaving younger kids in the desert wouldn’t help me much.

“Both,” Vinyl says. “You’re gonna be grounded for life.”

“Come on, Vinyl, we’re not kids.” I look at myself. “Well, not usually. I’m pretty sure we can walk to those pyramids while behaving as adults.”

Vinyl sighs. “You do realise that you’re talking to someone who didn’t hit the growth spurt yet and has legs smaller than things I had in my ass, right?”

“Well, my body is at the point when I kept fainting when I missed breakfast and you don’t see me complaining,” I reply, pushing her forward.

“You also have acne.” Vinyl stops in her tracks, only to earn a kick from me.

“Go fuck yourself.”

“I tried, but I can’t.”

“Hey, girls!” I hear a voice coming from above. “Need some help?”

I look up. Well, damn. Daring Do looks pretty young for someone who’s forty five, but now, at the age of about twenty eight years old, the difference is striking. She’s much thinner. Her mane is slightly darker and her eyes are much shinier. She lands in front of us and I notice a foal sitting on her back.

Vinyl notices that too. It takes her a moment to recognise the foal, but once she does, she rolls on the ground laughing.

“I thweah, when we get out of thith, I’m gonna kick hew,” Inkie says, jumping off Daring Do’s back and tripping. I catch her before she falls – I don’t want the kid to start crying or something.

“We’re lucky that I found her,” Daring Do says. “I’m not sure why, but this whole trip to the past made us younger. It’s not bad with me, but she’s about four.”

“We noticed.” I walk to Vinyl. “Stop laughing, bloody moron. Once the girl grows up, she’ll beat the crap out of minotaurs, remember.”

“Exactly!” Inkie runs to Vinyl. “Don’t be a meanie!”

Vinyl stands up and looks at Inkie. “Did someone tell you that you were a cute foal?”

“And you wew awways thtupid.”

“Aww, you have a lisp.” Vinyl pets Inkie. “Say ‘molasses’... Aargh!” She jumps back when Inkie bites her.

“Where are your front teeth?” I ask, watching Inkie’s smile.

“Blinkie ith weally good with shephewd’th thling, but hew aim wath a bit off,” Inkie replies. “Good thothe wewe milk teeth...”

Suddenly, a thought occurs to me. Thank Celestia for Ruby being a wise filly who doesn’t eat mushroom soups made by insane shamans. If she got seventeen years younger, we’d now travel with a very talkative ovarian follicle.

“I know you’re happy to meet each other, but we’d better find Lyra and Trixie,” Daring Do says.

“I think I hear them,” Vinyl says. “Behind that dune.”

We climb on the top of the dune. Even from the distance, I can hear some angry voices. To think about it, I shouldn’t be surprised: Trixie and Lyra are probably teenagers.

The voices get a bit clearer. Not that we wanted to hear them.

“Friggin’ Gypsy!”

“Dirty bitch!”

“Clown sucker!”

“Rich cunt!”

“Hey, enough of that,” I say, embracing Vinyl and Inkie. “There are kids here, you know.”

As I get closer, I can’t help but chuckle at Lyra and Trixie once they stop fighting. I might be a lanky, smelly nerd with acne, but at least I’m not like those two.

Lyra... I totally forgot how she looked back in eighth grade. Long, oily mane, flannel shirt, thick-rimmed glasses without lenses, enough piercings to set off metal detectors in a mile radius, and lots of eyeliner, barely covering her black eye, courtesy of Trixie. The only thing she’s lacking is Bon Bon, although they didn’t start fucking each other before eleventh grade.

Speaking of Trixie, I wouldn’t recognise this little shit even if I met her back then. It seems that she wasn’t always balancing on a thin line between being slightly curvy and morbidly obese. In fact, she’s even thinner than me, and it’s made even worse by colourful outfit few sizes too big.

“Okay,” Daring Do says, landing between them. “What’s going on?”

“She said that I look like a weirdo,” Lyra says.

“And she told Trixie that she looks like a poor weirdo,” Trixie adds.

Daring Do sighs. “You both look retarded. Are you good now?”

“No,” Lyra replies. “I am full of darkness and pain.”

Daring Do places her wings on her forehead. “Okay now,” she says. “Why are you all dumb teens?”

“I’m not,” Inkie says. “I’m potty-twained!”

Lyra shudders suddenly before standing straight and removing her glasses. “We moved two thousand years back in time. During that process, we travelled faster than light, often next to the objects of a large mass. No wonder we got younger.”

“Well, at least one adult mind is still fighting,” Daring Do mutters. “If we ended up here, I’m pretty sure there’s something important supposed to happen soon. Let’s go.”

“Trixie won’t go with her.” Trixie points at Lyra. “She’d rather starve in the desert.”

“It’ll take a while, you fat–” Lyra realises that her slur is a bit outdated. Or rather set too soon. “You blank flank!”

“Wait, she’s a blank flank?” Vinyl chuckles.

“Totally.”

Trixie pushes Lyra to the side. “It’s because that was a time when my... Trixie’s parents realised that she sucked at acrobatics and decided she should be a clown.” She groans. “Meanwhile, Trixie always wanted to be an escape artist.”

“I swear, if you don't move your hooves soon, I’m gonna chain you all in such a way that even Trixie won’t free herself.” Daring Do takes off. “Every minute with you makes me want to kick babies...”

“Hey!” Inkie shouts.

I decide that it’s time for a more direct approach. Instead of engaging in fights, I simply levitate Inkie on my back and walk with Daring Do. Vinyl joins us soon. After a minute, Trixie and Lyra rush behind us together.

We reach the pyramids pretty quickly, mostly due to Daring Do not giving a shit about our whining. The buildings are rather underwhelming. Vinyl probably words it the best.

“They’re almost new,” she mutters, kicking the wall of the nearest pyramid. “Looks like they’re fake.”

“Yup. And the sphinx just doesn’t look right with a nose,” Lyra mutters.

“I can fix that,” Vinyl says, aiming her horn at the sphinx. “It’s not like it’s gonna survive anyway...”

Daring Do lands next to her and grabs her with her wing. “Don’t you dare. Do you know what consequences would destroying that nose five hundred years too early have?”

Vinyl rolls her eyes. “I was joking. I’m not even sure if my horn would be able to do anything now.”

“Shh!” Daring darts behind the pyramid with Vinyl and gestures us to her. We take cover and look at a pair of ponies approaching us. They look like a typical pair of Haygyptian nobles from whatever era we’re in. At least, that’s what can I judge from the striped towels they wear on their heads, as well as fake beards they both are sporting. They’re also quite tall – kinda like Saddle Arabians.

The guys look at the pyramid and the fatter of them says something.

“He said ‘Neferkheperuhersekheper is getting late’,” Daring Do whispers. “And then he said that his friend, called Meriptah, has a nice nemes.”

“A nice what?” Vinyl asks.

“The headcloth. And now he asked whether Neferkheperuhersekheper will bring that old... I don’t know that word... Berius Puncius Birbantus with him.”

“The name rings a bell,” I mutter.

“He was a philosopher and historian from the ancient Chrome,” Lyra says. “From what I remember, he disappeared mysteriously in Haygypt.”

“What are they talking about now?” I ask Daring Do.

“About the recent chariot race,” she replies. “Apparently some minotaur was disqualified for cheating.”

“How can you cheat in a chawiot wathe?” Inkie rolls her eyes. “Chawwrriot... My tongue doethn’t lithten to me...”

“Shh,” I whisper. “Someone else is coming.”

Soon, another Haygyptian joins the two guys in front of us. This one wears a white skirt and his coat is of a darker shade of brown. From time to time he’s wiping his face with his nemes. It’s kinda justified – he’s dragging some fat stallion with him.

The guy looks familiar – he’s shorter than the Haygyptians and his coat has a plum colour. He’s wearing a rather dirty toga and he’s somewhat unconscious. The fact that his cutie mark is an amphora gives me the idea why.

“Berius Puncius Birbantus,” says the guy Daring Do called Meriptah. “Excitare!”

Daring Do nods. “He said–”

“‘Wake up’ in Neightin,” Vinyl says. “Back in high school, my teacher threw the Neightin dictionary at me. Since then, conjugation and declination are no mystery to me.”

Berius Puncius Birbantus opens one eye and burps. “Meriptah,” he says, before turning to the fatter guy. “Ahmose.” He looks at the guy who brought him. “Nefer... Hefer... Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo!”

“He said that he’ll fuck him in the face,” Vinyl deadpans.

Ahmose sighs. “Aspice quod felix attracsit... Salve, Berius. Te desideravi tantum!”

“Look what the cat dragged in. Hello Berius. I missed you so much,” Vinyl translates.

The Haygyptians and the tipsy Chroman talk for a while in Neightin.

“They asked him about some document he wrote,” Daring Do says. “The place where Goddess lives... Some pyramid. But he says that it’s not this pyramid. Too new. Now Meriptah asked where it is.”

Berius sighs. “Semper in excretum sum sed alta variat.” He produces a small, silver plate from under his toga.

“He said, ‘always in the shit, though the depth varies,’” Vinyl says. “My teacher said the same about my pronunciation.”

“I wonder what’s on this plate,” Lyra mutters, watching the scene in front of us. “Maybe we should steal it from them?”

Trixie rolls her eyes. “Yeah, because some teenage retard stealing it totally won’t change history.”

“How about your invisibility spell?” Vinyl asks.

“It doesn’t make you invisible, it makes you unnoticeable,” Trixie replies.

“Shut up!” Daring Do waves her hoof above Trixie’s head. We look at the Haygyptians. The one whose parents hated him holds the plate. “He said that they’ll hide it in this pyramid and Berius agreed that it’s the best solution,” Daring Do says.

“Spero nos familiares mansuro,” Berius mutters.

“I hope we’ll still be friends.” Vinyl shrugs. “When you say something like that...”

The Haygyptians chuckle and produce rather long and rather sharp knives. “[i[Te scindam...”

I don’t think I need a translation for that one.

“Et tu, Meriptah, contra me? Berius asks, his eyes widening.

Luckily, the mushrooms save us from the doubtful pleasure of watching the hapless philosopher getting cut. Suddenly, the sand below us collapses and we fall into a deep, dark well, away from this particular part of the timeline. We’re falling...

... and falling...

... and falling...

Damn. That takes way too long.

The next thing is see is a meadow. In front of me there’s a white rabbit with a pocket watch.

“Don’t even think about that, motherfucker,” I say. “I’m so not following you.”

The rabbit shrugs. “Chaos reigns,” he whispers before disappearing. The word turns around me and then I wake up on a cold rock somewhere next to Huehue’s hut.

“Funny, huh?” Huehue asks, helping me up. At least I’m thirty again, judging by how much taller I am. Ugh! I don’t wanna be a teen again.

“Oh, fuck me...” someone next to me mutters. To my surprise, it’s Inkie. She’s lying on her back, covering her eyes. “Holy fucking shit...”

“Inkie!” I exclaim. “Where did you learn those words?”

“I’m not sure, but it fucking helps.” Inkie rubs her temples. “I was a filly, get it? A fucking filly...”

“At least employ some variety,” I mutter. “There are so many words to choose from, like bugger, shit, cock, dick, bloody hell, piss, ass, arse, bollocks, tits, teats...”

“Cunt,” someone behind me says. I turn to see Ruby. Unlike me or Inkie, she’s fresh and apparently very proud of herself.

“What did I tell you about swearing?” I ask.

“Auntie Lyra throws up like a cat after mom’s meds,” Ruby says. “And auntie Trixie doesn’t want to talk with her for some reason.”

“How about Vinyl and Daring?”

“They’re fine. Auntie Vinyl said it was weak shit and she went to drink with auntie Hexie.”

For a moment I want to ask how did Hexie put her hooves on an alcoholic beverage in the middle of the jungle, but then I remember that she can make alcohol out of basically anything, including old shoelaces and cobblestone.

“I better talk with Daring,” I say, standing up and leaving Inkie to deal with her demons herself.

Meanwhile, Daring Do is dealing with communication problems. That is, she’s trying to talk with Lyra, but it’s kinda hard since, as Ruby said, Lyra’s stomach refused to cooperate.

“What’s up?” I ask, trotting to them.

“We were just discussing our further plans,” Daring Do replies. She looks surprisingly good – maybe it’s because her de-aging was contained within one stage of development?

“And what did you figure out?”

“We need to get to Haygypt,” Daring Do replies. Lyra covers her mouth with her hoof and runs into the nearby bushes.

“Unfortunately, I think she’s right.” I point at the bushes. “The plane’s range is not big enough and we can’t refuel in the middle of the ocean.”

Daring thinks for a moment. “How about the other one? The one you’re building?”

“It’s far from being finished,” I reply. “But I can contact Cherry Berry once we’re back in Maneaus.” I sigh. “And here’s our next problem: How do we get back to Maneaus? I don’t feel like building a boat.”

“It seems that we’ll have to,” Daring Do replies. “I’m pretty sure Hexie could–”

“I’m not sure if she could build a ship without any nails or even ropes.” I shrug. “I guess we’re talking about a simple raft, but still, it may take a while.”

“We’d better start soon.” Daring Do looks at Lyra who emerges from the bushes and drops on the ground. “Well, as soon as we get better.”

“Better, you say?” Huehue walks to us, grabs a hoofful of some paste and smears it on the abrasion on my side. “Better.” He turns to Lyra and gives her a mug of something yellow and opaque – kinda like water from the river. “For you. Empty heads didn’t drink all.”

“Will it help?” Lyra asks.

“Help?” Huehue chuckles. “Yes, help.”

“I guess it can’t be worse.” Lyra shrugs and gulps the contents of the mug in one go. “Not bad. Kinda like cider.”

Hexie and Vinyl walk to us. Apparently they were watching us for some time, hiding behind the rocks. Vinyl looks at Lyra and turns to Hexie. “You owe me five bits,” she says. “She drank it and didn’t vomit.”

“Wait a minute.” Hexie smirks. “Lyra, do you know why we didn’t drink it all?”

Lyra covers her ears with her hooves. “I’m not listening to you! I already feel better and I don’t want to get an oesophageal perforation because you tell me it’s panther’s piss or something.”

“Well, actually old mares chew corn, spit it into the water and then it’s left for fermentation, but I like your train of thoughts.” Hexie chuckles. “How are you now?”

“I hardly heard you and I have nothing to vomit with.” Lyra shrugs. “Give five bits to Vinyl and stop looking at me like that.”

“Equestria girls always stay together!” Vinyl smiles, patting Lyra’s back. “Besides, it’s not the worst thing you ever had in your mouth...”

“Yes and we all remember Bonnie caught it from you.” Lyra deadpans.

“Not directly.”

Daring Do rolls her eyes and turns to Huehue. “We need to get back to Maneaus. Do you know how can we go there?”

“Sure!” Huehue chuckles. “Go with me!” He trots up a hill, gesturing us to him.

“I swear, if it’s another batch of mushrooms, I’m gonna drown this old fart in the river,” I mutter, walking with Daring Do.

“Same here,” Lyra says.

“It was fun, watching you.” Hexie smirks. “Although I had to pull Vinyl off a tree when she thought she could fly.”

“I still can fly.”

“Yeah? So jump down that hill and fly,” Hexie replies. “But give me back my five bits first.”

Vinyl looks down. The hill is rather steep, so despite a short climb, we hardly can see the ground. Leaves make it seem that we’re closer, so I expect the worst.

“No, thanks,” Vinyl says. “I don’t feel like flying today.”

“You will, today.” Huehue climbs on a tall rock. “Come with me.”

“I don’t think it’s good to leave Inkie, Trixie, and Ruby down there,” I mutter.

“You’re right.” Daring Do flies to me. “I always thought this little shit is up to something.”

“I wouldn’t call Trixie ‘little’,” Vinyl says. “Do you know how much weight she gained since we’ve seen her last time?”

“I meant Ruby,” Daring Do says. “Seriously, who’s this kid’s father and how long till he gets out of prison?”

“Mama – anarchiya, papa – stakan portveyna” Hexie says with a sigh.

“What?”

“Mommy’s anarchy, daddy’s a cup of port wine. At least that’s the impression I got.” Hexie shrugs and climbs on a rock.

I try to grab some plant, but Huehue stops me. “Watch out,” he says. “It’s rapefruit.”

“You mean grapefruit?” I ask.

“No.” He chuckles.

Screw that. I teleport over the plant in question. Then, after a moment of clarity, I teleport to the top of the damn hill, where Daring Do is already waiting for me. Pegasi and unicorns that can teleport, all master race.

“Problem?” Huehue’s voice indicates that he’s somehow right behind me. When did he do that?

“Okay, that was quite a trip,” Hexie says, emerging from behind the edge of the hill, carrying Vinyl on her back. “Where do we go now?”

“Where’s Lyra?” I ask. Suddenly, I hear a blast of magic and see a bright flash on the nearest tree. For a moment I see Lyra hanging from the branch. That is, until she falls into the bushes below.

I guess I should correct myself. Pegasi and unicorns that can teleport in the place they want are a master race. Although telling that to an earth pony would end up in them showing you that ponies who choked on remains of their jaw are definitely not a master race.

“So, where are we going now?” Daring Do asks.

Huehue grabs a rock that is probably heavier than him, his mother, and uncle Huitzilopochtli, and lifts it effortlessly. Underneath it, there’s a cave.

“No shit...” Lyra mutters. “We went up and now we have to go down?”

“Totally.” Huehue nods and jumps into the cave.

The inside is dark like a zebra’s colon, but I can easily notice that it’s not a natural cave. The regularity of the walls, the lack of stalactites... Something is wrong in here.

“Something is wrong in here,” Vinyl says. “It’s kinda like when Tavi took me to the Tunnel of ‘Just Friends’.”

I sigh. “You didn’t get the message, did you?”

“What message?”

Some ponies never change. Just like Huehue, who suddenly stops and turns to us. “Watch out.” He points at the corridor in front of us, adorned with some ancient monuments – heads made of stone. I don’t know what creatures they depict, but I think none of those ever walked on this planet. At least I hope so.

“Hey, I’ve seen it in one crappy movie,” Hexie says. “Do they shoot lasers from their eyes?”

“No way.” Daring Do waves her hoof. “They didn’t know lasers back then.”

Huehue picks up a stone and throws it. Laser beams come out of the stone heads’ eyes and burn it into fine powder.

“Kurwa,” Hexie mutters. “I’ll stop talking. Too many things I say come true.”

“I wonder where’s the source of energy for these lasers.” Daring Do shrugs. “Also, how do we get past them?”

“Somewhere here there’s a really big hamster wheel,” Vinyl says.

“And how’s that supposed to help us?” Daring Do asks.

Huehue chuckles. “Little faith,” he mutters. “Little faith in old Huehue.” He trots to the nearby wall and pushes some symbol on the wall. “There. Safety switch.”

“Does it turn off the lasers?” I ask.

“No, but we have ten heartbeats to run past them.”

“Can we teleport?” Lyra asks.

“Definitely not you.” Vinyl pokes Lyra and stands right in front of the hall with stone heads. “Ready... set...”

“Do you think you’ll outrun lasers?” Hexie stands next to Vinyl.

“I’ll just have to outrun one of you.”

“Oh really?” Hexie smirks. “Then go!”

She runs into the corridor. We follow her, trying to get past the heads as fast as possible. For a moment I think about teleporting, but since the very thought gives me a headache, I resign, instead focusing on running.

Hell, we didn’t ask Huehue how much time he meant by ten heartbeats. I realise that exactly at the moment when a laser burns half of my tail off. Shit! I drop and roll, sliding on the floor. If another head hits me, I’m gonna be fried. One more jump and the beam smashes against the wall in a place where I’ve been a split second ago.

“You okay?” Huehue asks. Somehow I haven’t seen that little schmuck running with us, so I guess he took an easier route.

“I’m fine,” I mutter standing up. “Where are we going now?”

Instead of a reply, Huehue trots forward. We go deeper inside the hill, through the corridors with symbol-covered walls. Occasionally, we see a sleeping snake, or a big spider... Once or twice I’ve seen skeletons of foals. Did they sacrifice them here, or what? Or maybe it’s some lost group of tourists who accidentally ran through an ancient obstacle course?

There’s a large crack in the wall on my left, so I can’t resist to take a look. Maybe I’ll see some wires that power the lasers?

“Vinyl,” I say. “Next time we’re in some strange place and we wonder how it works, I kindly insist that you shut the fuck up.”

“What did I do this time?” Vinyl asks, walking to the crack. “Holy shit!”

Behind the crack there’s a hamster wheel. Or rather, what-the-fuck-is-that-holy-shit-I-want-out wheel, because whatever is inside of it is as far from being a hamster as... well, as far as something that can’t really be considered a living being, because the only thing it has in common with living things is that it has legs which it uses to turn the wheel. Though after a closer look, I’m not totally sure about that.

Huehue stands next to us. “Don’t look. Won’t do a thing,” he says.

“What does it eat there?” Vinyl asks, shuddering.

“It doesn’t.” Huehue shrugs. “You feed it, it shits. And then it’s better to be somewhere else.”

“It has to eat something,” Vinyl says.

Lyra looks into the crack. “It’s just a reflection of a multidimensional entity. Like, imagine we’re two-dimensional being in a flat world. One day, a sphere passes through it. All you’d see would be a circle that’d gradually get bigger, then smaller, before disappearing completely. That’s more or less how the situation looks here, but there are at least eleven dimensions it exists in.”

“Let’s get out of here,” I say. “I don’t want any of those dimensions to suddenly turn and smack me in the face, or something.”

We rush as far from the crack as possible, trying not to look behind. Soon, we lose it from our view, after we have to climb up a flight of symbol-covered stairs.

“This step has dicks on it,” Vinyl mutters, looking at the piece of igneous rock under her hooves.

“Those are ancient symbols of fertility,” Daring Do says.

Vinyl lifts her sunglasses. “You mean they’re dicks?”

Daring sighs. “Yes, they are.”

Finally, we reach the top of the stairs. They lead to a large hall, built of marble, slowly crushing under the roots of enormous trees above. In the middle of the hall, there’s a landing and on the landing there is...

“Incredible,” Lyra says. “Everypony thought it was bupkis.”

“What?” Hexie asks. “This piece of golden shite?”

I look at Daring Do. She’s standing motionless, her mouth slightly agape. Her eyes look like two coins, which is hardly surprising, given that she’s looking at a golden condor, as big as Little Cadance.

“Equestria to Daring!” I yell. She blinks and starts hyperventilating. Hexie is quicker than me: she simply uses a sobering tap to the back of the head.

“W-well, don’t be hasty,” Daring Do says. “This may be just a statue...”

“What else it can be?” I ask.

Huehue chuckles. “Sky. Little creatures in their flying machines... Boom!” He raises his hoof and lowers it rapidly. “Not ponies. Older things in golden condors. Sun is their force.”

“Aliens,” Lyra says. “One spends whole life being told that von Pöniken is insane and those lines in Neighzca are just a really big picture, and then they encounter a flying war machine from before ponykind.”

“It’s a war machine?” I ask, staring at the condor. If it’s solar-powered, I’d be able to burn some wanker or two...

“Is it really made of gold?” Vinyl licks her lips. Seems that we have different priorities.

“We still have a problem. It needs sun to work and we’re, like, underground.” Hexie makes an expression she usually does when I call her to fix my washing machine. It’s usually accompanied with some variation of the phrase “dude, who screwed it up so badly?”

Huehue waves his hoof. “Not a problem,” he says, picking up something from the ground. I look at it and feel that my stomach does a somersault. I guess it’s perfectly normal reaction to a mummified monkey’s hand. Huehue walks to a carving on the wall, depicting a print of a very similar hand.

“Some primitive hoofprints analysis device?” Lyra asks.

“More like shape recognition,” Daring Do replies. “Each minotaur has a different pattern on their fingertips and I guess same goes for monkeys.”

“Do you think those were minotaurs?” I ask, watching Huehue touching the carving with the dried-up hand.

“Not sure.” Daring Do shrugs. “This doesn’t look like minotaur art, not to mention that I can see something that looks like a carving of a tentacle.”

“Different locks for different pilots?” Lyra asks.

“We should refrain from making theories,” Daring Do says. “It’ll need years of research and a whole council of historians–”

“According to historians this doesn’t exist.” Lyra rolls her eyes. “They’re just a bunch of morons who do nothing but smell each other’s–” She’s interrupted by a thunderous roar. The floor starts to tremble, making me wonder if it was wise to go into some decrepit underground temple.

Suddenly, the whole ceiling raises, opening like a lid of a giant box. I can see the trees above us, as well as Trixie, Inkie, and Ruby staring wide-eyed at the pit that opened right in front of them.

“Wait,” Vinyl says. “We went all the way up there, then all the way down through the cave just to end up inches from your camp?”

“Only opened from the inside!” Huehue exclaims.

Ruby looks at the golden condor. “What the fuck is that?”

“Ruby!” I yell. “What did I tell you about using such words?”

“Okay, I meant, ‘what the fuck is this?’.” Ruby rolls her eyes. “Is that fine?”

“Also, everyone can see it’s a golden condom.” Vinyl smiles proudly.

“Condor, my illiterate friend,” Trixie says. “Does it fly? The town would go crazy if Trixie came back there in it!”

“We’re about to find out,” Daring Do says.

Huehue walks to the back of the condor and opens a hatch. Before I go inside, I take a look at the whole thing – sun is reflecting in its golden plating, making it look like it was alive. Or maybe it’s just a mirage?

At least the interior is much more conservative. The upholstery on the seats is somehow intact – grey with red suns sewn on the backs. Whoever were the constructors of this machine, their butts were probably similar to ours – the seats are quite comfortable.

There’s only one problem. Even though the controls give me some sense of familiarity, I have no idea how to lift the damn thing off the ground. Not to mention, that unless it’s more pegasus-like in its flight, I’d need a runway.

I look at Hexie and Inkie, but they both shrug. Hexie is poking random buttons, but they appear to be doing nothing.

Huehue clicks his tongue and says something in his native language.

“He said the ghosts of his ancestors told him how to fly it,” Daring Do says.

“I got a CV like that once,” I mutter. “Incredible as it may seem, the guy didn’t get a job.”

Meanwhile, Huehue sits in front of something that probably is the centre stick and touches it with the monkey’s hand. The cockpit blinks with numerous lights, so we take our seats. The floor vibrates slightly and I can hear a silent purr coming somewhere from the back. Additional clicks and scratching joins the cacophony and I notice that the position of the wings changes.

The whole condor lifts on its legs, as if it was trying to bathe in sunlight. Probably that’s what it’s actually doing – after who knows how many years of standing in the hangar, it’ll probably need to recharge.

Actually, Huehue probably flies it from time to time. Dunno, does he pick up ladies for that? Or maybe he just turns on the engines to prevent them from falling apart? Before I can stop imagining younger Huehue wooing some native mares, the condor takes off.

It’s not exactly like Little Cadance, with her constant noise and shaking. It lifts vertically, smoother than any helicopter. Soon, we leave the treetops below us. I can hear Ruby’s ecstatic curses, as well as Vinyl’s gasps. The tone of whatever engine powers this thing changes and we dart forwards with a speed no pegasus can match, except maybe Rainbow Dash.

The jungle changes into a continuous blur of green and brown. The sun is behind our backs as we fly east like an arrow. This thing is perfectly stable. No turbulence upsets its flight. Whoever built it, was far better than Cherry Berry and me.

Who knows, maybe Lyra is right and aliens actually built that thing? I turn to Daring Do to ask her about that, but she’s not listening to me. All I can hear from her is muttering that sounds awfully like “they’re gonna lick me off when I show them that”.

The sudden acceleration throws me back at my seat. We’re lowering our flight; I can see the river below us, like a brown and blue band in the middle of green cloth.

“Sun sets soon!” Huehue exclaims. “Gotta go fast!”

“We need a place to land,” I say. “Can it land on the river?”

“Who said we land?” Huehue pushes some button.

Without making any noise, the upper part of the condor opens. We now fly just above the river and Huehue laughs like crazy. Does he–

Suddenly, I’m flung upwards from my seat. I hate when it happens – even though last time it happened was during Cranky’s wedding, when Vinyl suddenly decided to weaponise her speakers. At least I’m not alone: it seems that everypony but Huehue were kicked out of the condor.

Meanwhile, the machine accelerates and gains altitude. Before I splash into the river, I can see it turning back and disappearing almost instantly. The next thing I know is trying to lift Trixie from under the water – unlike Vinyl, she can’t really swim.

Well, at least fat floats.

We emerge from the water a few metres from the pier. On the pier, there’s a crane. Some poor schmuck is hanging upside-down from the crane, his head almost touching water. Next to the crane, Wild Hunt is staring at us, wide-eyed.

“Are we interrupting something?” Inkie asks.

“Not really, he just agreed to pay,” Wild Hunt replies. “What the hell was that bloody thing?”

“It’s a long story...”

And that’s, dear ponies, how we made it back to Maneaus. What? You don’t believe me? And how else would we get back there so fast? Just ask Trixie. Spending half of her life pretending to be a runaway from sultan’s harem doesn’t mean she’s not a believable witness.

Well, I guess I’ll make a break for a drink, because what followed were boring three weeks spent on preparing our journey to Haygypt. You know, just logistics and stuff. While it’s important, barely anypony ever mentions it.

“Hey! You didn’t mention the race! Mommy said that there was a race!”

And your mommy is... Damn, you’re Ruby’s kid. I keep forgetting Berry is a grandma now, while my son... Nevermind. Of course I’ll tell you about the race. Just let me have a drink, okay? Old mares like me have to keep their throats hydrated... I see that, Vinyl! There’s still plenty of the story to be told, so sit back and be patient, kids. It’s not like your parents are going to be mad at me or something...

They’d be afraid to try.