“What are you doing here?” I ask. The dust slowly falls and I can see Cloudchaser standing next to Flitter. They’re both wearing Equestrian Air Force uniforms – if I recognise the insignia correctly, Cloudchaser is the squadron leader while Flitter is flight lieutenant. Quite unusual for secret agents, who should keep a low profile. Or at least I think so.

Flitter and Cloudchaser look at each other. “We’re secret agents, you know,” Flitter says. “If we told you, it wouldn’t be a secret.”

“Yeah, right.” I approach them. “Let me guess: Blossomforth is hidden somewhere here, right? In an airship’s tire, knowing her.”

“In the barrel of the anti-aircraft cannon,” Cloudchaser whispers. Flitter watches as Vinyl, Inkie, Daring Do, Lyra, and Hexie walk out of the plane.

“What’s going on?” Daring Do asks. “Are those your friends?”

“Kinda,” I reply before turning back to Cloudchaser. “Okay, secret agent, cut the crap and tell me what exactly is going on here? Are you following us again?”

“Oh, come on,” Flitter says, rolling her eyes. “World doesn’t revolve around your ass, you know.”

“We’re investigating this particular airport,” Cloudchaser adds. “Their fuel and equipment keeps disappearing and the commander’s bank account is surprisingly large...”

Well, shit. Major Minor is officially an idiot who somehow managed to turn attention of authorities to himself. And remember that authorities aren’t exactly bright. In fact, I think that you need to have your brain removed and put in your ass to become an officer.

Daring Do walks to us. “I’m pretty sure we’ll be able to do something about that,” she says. “We really need to refuel and get away from here as soon as possible. We won’t be interfering with your investigation.”

“Hey, I know you!” Flitter exclaims. “Professor A.K. Yearling, Department of Archeology, University of Trottingham. What artifact of doom are you looking for this time?”

“A condom that broke when your daddy was fucking your mom,” Vinyl says, walking to us. “Who may or may not have been his sister...”

“Vinyl, have your parents ever taught you to shut the fuck up?” I ask. We’re sitting in a small shack by the oasis. The walls are made of stone and the door looks quite firm. Unfortunately, Flitter and Cloudchaser have the key.

“My dad tried, but I’ve never liked him much,” Vinyl replies. “At least since the day when he put me in a sack full of bricks and threw me into the river.” She produces a harmonica from her mane and starts to play it.

“Too bad he screwed that up,” I mutter. “At least we wouldn’t be waiting here to be court-martialed for offending an officer.”

“And what did I do?” Inkie asks. “I didn’t even tell anything.”

“Yeah, but the guard who tried to seize you probably won’t have children anymore...” Lyra says, shrugging. “Anyway, what are we going to do now? We were supposed to fly further south...”

“Don’t worry,” Daring Do says. Interestingly, she chose the highest bunk of the triple bunk bed in our cell. From what I know, it’s called “Zebrica” in prison slang – because no one wants to be there.

“We didn’t even leave Equestria and we’re already in prison!” I exclaim. “How can I not worry?”

“I’ve been there before,” Daring Do replies. “We’ll sneak out of here at night. Those bars are probably loose. Or maybe when the guard comes to give us supper, Inkie will knock them down and–”

“I’m not knocking anypony down again,” Inkie says. “I don’t like beating ponies. Or shooting them with that magical thingy.”

“You still have it?” I ask. “How?”

“They didn’t look for it.” Inkie shows the crystal gun to us. “But it’s useless here since it only targets family jewels...”

“Yeah,” I mutter. “Vinyl, stop playing that harmonica or I’ll shove it where the sun doesn’t shine!”

“I’m in prison, I have to play it,” Vinyl replies. “Or I can make you a tattoo. Maybe a plan of this place?”

I tell Vinyl a few nasty things about her mother that make Inkie and Lyra blush.

“Seriously though,” Lyra says after I’m done. “What if the guards don’t give us supper? How are we going to run away then?”

“We can bring that shack down,” Vinyl says. “They didn’t give us magic inhibitors after all.”

“The walls are magic-proof,” I say. “They had it enchanted against any spells that could bring them down.”

“How about a tunnel?”

“This hut is built on the wet sand. Once you start digging in it, it’ll collapse on you and in a hundred years one of Daring’s students will dig your arse out and put it in the museum, in a display cabinet labelled ‘Equestria’s Biggest Idiot’,” I say.

“Yeah, because sitting here and doing nothing is better,” Vinyl mutters, pulling a blanket over her head. “Are we employing the standard prison rule?”

“Which one?” Lyra asks in her naivety.

“Face the wall when you clop,” Vinyl replies, turning to face the wall.

“That’s a bit more than I wanted to know,” Lyra mutters.

“Remind me to research prison rules one day,” Daring Do says. “How many of them are there?”

“I have a feeling that the one Vinyl quoted won’t make it through your editors,” I say. “I mean, there’s rating or something, right?” I never really cared much about ratings. Equestrian law is kinda strange in that matter – if I wrote a movie scenario based on how I got the money to create my company, Inkie wouldn’t be allowed to watch it, despite participating in those events.

“While we’re at it,” Hexie says, looking through the window. It’s slowly getting dark outside. “Are they even allowed to keep us here? Can we get a lawyer?”

“In the middle of the desert?” I ask. I mean, one lawyer stranded in the desert would be a good start. If all of them were here, the society would benefit greatly.

“But still...” Hexie shrugs. “Okay, another idea: let’s wait till the guards come here to give us supper. We attack them and we’re free.”

“The same guards that overpowered us and brought us here?” Inkie asks. “Though, of course, I can break a few more jaws if that’s what you need...”

“Remember that it’s Flitter and Cloudchaser we’re talking about,” I say, staring through the window. “There are a couple of ponies dragging a twin machine gun there. Who wants to bet that they’ll put it here in case we’re trying something funny with the guards?”

“You must’ve really pissed off those two,” Daring Do mutters. “What exactly did you do to them?”

“Nothing, really,” Vinyl says, turning to us and wiping her hoof in the sheets. “We just helped them catch a very dangerous mafia boss who stole a precious sword from a castle in Prance.”

“Except he was your ex and I had to steal that sword to save your ass.” I notice that Daring Do grabs her notebook. Here we go. A new bestseller, soon in a store near you: “Minuette and The Sword of an Old Fart”.

We hear the lock clicking. I aim my horn at the door. Lyra and Vinyl do the same, while Inkie, Hexie, and Daring get ready to him whoever comes in.

“Easy there,” somepony says in a voice one could describe as belonging to a filly, except fillies don’t usually speak in monotone, trying to make their voice as low as possible.

I feel the urge to break something. “Ruby? What the fuck are you doing here?”

Ruby pushes the door open. “That’s not how you say ‘thank you for freeing us’,” she says. “Did you think that kicking me out of one crate would stop me?”

“We’ll talk about that later, when I convince your mother not to tear my legs from my arse.” I sigh and trot to the door. “Where did you get the key?”

“Those two bitches went somewhere and one of the guards tried to look into the crates. He got a bottle to the head,” Ruby replies, guiding us between the barracks. “Then I met that guy, Minor Major or something.”

“And what did he say?”

“He’ll meet us in the barracks.” Ruby turns left. “Don’t worry about the guards. They’re chasing a non-existent herd of giant ants.”

I nod, even though I still have no idea what the hell is going on. Apparently, Major Minor is as happy to have Flitter and Cloudchaser here as we do. Let’s see what he’ll tell us.

Major Minor is alone in his office. A single kerosene lamp stands on his desk, reminding me that we still need fuel. I trot to him quickly and rest my hooves on the desk. “Okay, mate,” I say. “What the fuck was that? First you lock us, then you send that little brat to free us?”

Major sighs. “That was a surprise for me too. They say that they’re looking for missing equipment... You know, recently somepony had stolen a few barrage balloons from the base, not to mention the fuel... But my friend, General Tendency, told me what’s going on...”

“Another conspiracy?” I ask, sitting in the armchair. Vinyl already helped herself with some of the major’s whiskey. “What is it this time? Aliens?” I decide to ignore the fact that Daring Do is currently mouthing the word “aliens”. That book really sucked.

“Yes and no. In fact, they’re looking for some precious artifact, apparently left here by some ancient civilisation... The government wants to have it.”

“Nice to know where my taxes go,” Hexie mutters. “I wish I stayed in the Griffon Empire.”

“We’re after the same thing,” Daring Do says. “That makes three...”

“Three of what?” Vinyl asks.

“Three parties who are searching for it,” Daring Do replies. “Us, those strange ponies, and the government.”

“You mean, Ahuizotl’s friends?” Ruby asks as innocently as someone who hid in a crate just to go with us can be.

“Do you think Ahuizotl can be involved?” Daring Do’s eyes widen.

Ruby rolls her eyes and slams her hoof against her forehead. She looks like her mother when she does so. “Please, I read your books. It’s always Ahuizotl. Yet you always seem surprised when it turns out that he’s behind everything.”

“That’s why I hate meetings with fans...”

“I know that feeling,” Vinyl mutters. “A few years ago, a fan sneaked to the backstage to tell me that my music blows. I showed her that it wasn’t only my music...”

I’m not sure whose ears I should cover: Inkie’s or Ruby’s.

“Okay,” Daring Do says, stepping to me. “I still can’t get over the fact that we were apparently saved by that kid who appeared ex machina, but I think we should run. Can we get any fuel?”

“Oh, I told my ponies to refuel your plane,” major says. “For ‘testing purposes’. I guess you’d rather run before the guys come back from the drill.”

“Definitely,” I say. “It was nice to see you, Minor, but, as you can see, we have the government on our asses.”

Major Minor nods and opens the door for us. As soon as we step outside, we hear the roar of gunfire. I duck, covering Ruby with my own body. An artillery shell explodes in the distance – those guys are not fucking around, drill or not.

“Can you let me go?” Ruby asks. “They’re not firing at us!”

I nod and we run through the empty camp. Vinyl curses, tripping over scattered equipment. I look around and see our plane standing at the edge of the airstrip, covered in a piece of fabric. It’s barely visible in the shadow of a nearby airship.

Suddenly, I hear a hiss right next to me. I turn to look at the source of the noise, but at the same time, I see a flash of blue magic. Another hiss and I see a changeling lying on the ground and clenching his nuts. Inkie aims her crystal gun in the darkness.

“This is not a drill anymore!” she exclaims. “Run!”

Lyra shoots a magic beam at another changeling. Daring Do takes off, rushing through the darkness. I’d rather keep a low profile – if the soldiers realise that changelings are in the camp, they’re gonna level this place and then scrap the remains from the sand. And since we’re here, that’d be also our remains.

“Get the fuck out of here, you fucking motherfucker!” Ruby yells, kicking another changeling, who apparently fell asleep while sneaking around the airstrip.

“Ruby!” I shout, smacking the changeling once more, just in case.

“What?” Ruby asks. “My mother can’t hear it anyway!”

“But I can hear it.” We run to the nearest crate and hide behind it. Somepony put those crates and barrels along our way. Quite convenient.

“At least make it more varied, filly...” Vinyl drops next to me, panting. We’re still a few metres away from the plane, but the gunfight is getting louder and I’d rather wait for it to calm down. Vinyl levitates a cigarette and lights it.

“What are you doing?” I ask, grabbing the cigarette. “You’ll give our position away!” I toss the cigarette far away. It lands in a nearby barrel.

“Hey!” Vinyl exclaims. “They won’t see it any–” Suddenly, the barrel explodes, burning fuel spreading from it in all directions. “–way.”

“Fuck!” I exclaim, covering Ruby’s ears. “Run!”

Through the fire and explosions, I see Daring, Lyra, and Hexie running towards the plane. Inkie is already there, opening the door and running inside. She’d better turn the engine on quickly – stuff is burning around and there’s a big friggin’ airship nearby. I’d rather not check how big the explosion will be and if we’re gonna survive it.

The propeller starts to turn. I unceremoniously levitate Vinyl and Ruby, and throw them inside. Daring Do flies there, while Hexie and I help Lyra to get through.

Finally, we’re all aboard. Inkie is taxiing through the airstrip, carefully avoiding the spill of burning fuel. Lyra is on the floor, panting heavily, while Vinyl tries to find a cigarette that wouldn’t be crushed.

“Want some?” Hexie asks, giving Vinyl rolling paper and tobacco. Hexie actually rarely smokes, but when she does, she prefers roll-your-owns, made of something she calls makhorka. One puff and you are in the hospital with terminal cancer.

“May I remind you that you can’t smoke here?” I ask, watching Daring Do casually dusting her hat. Then I turn to Ruby. “About you... Once I get to the radio, I’m talking to Berry...”

“And what’re ya gonna do?” Ruby asks. “Fly me home?”

Shit. We can’t go back, because if we did, we’d have to set out again. And I’m pretty sure we can’t expect a warm welcome here again. Pun not intended.

I look through the window, watching the fire we leave behind. The plane gains speed, rushing along the runway. I can still hear shots in the distance and I’m pretty sure that two pegasi who I see operating a heavy machine gun are Flitter and Cloudchaser. Not bad. They can become two biggest heroes of Equestria while we go and do our archaeology stuff.

“What’s going on, gals?” I hear a groggy voice behind me. “Are they still locked?”

Before I can turn to see what’s going on, I hear Lyra bellowing, “It’s one of them!”, followed by a sound of a pony slamming into another pony.

I turn just in time to see a pegasus sliding from under Lyra and tackling Hexie. Daring Do attacks her from behind, only to find out that she grabbed a hoofful of air. At the same moment, the plane starts, causing us to fall backwards in a messy heap.

“What the fu– I mean, what the hay is going on there?!” Inkie yells from the cockpit. “Minuette, can you come here and help me?”

“I can’t!” I reply, trying to get what’s going on. It’s not easy when Vinyl gives out a guttural scream and lands a punch on the invader’s muzzle. I don’t waste time – before the pegasus has a chance to escape, I hit her in the stomach with my head. Ruby finishes the deed by smashing a bottle on the attacker’s head.

“I’m starting to like it!” Ruby exclaims.

I take a look at the unconscious pegasus and poke her with my hoof. “It’s Blossomforth. This world is small...”

Vinyl grabs a shotgun. “We can’t give her a chance. If she wakes up, she’ll beat us all again...”

“There’s too many of us, don’t worry,” Hexie says, stepping into a puddle of spilled whisky and splashing it on Blossomforth’s face. “Wake up, girl.”

Blossomforth blinks. “My head... What happened?”

“We’re running away,” I reply. “And we don’t need another passenger.”

“Yeah!” Vinyl yells, waving her shotgun. “We’ll make you walk the plank!” She’s interrupted when Lyra smacks her.

“Girls?” Inkie asks from the cockpit. “Can you help me?” I don’t know where to fly, we’re being chased, and there’s a lot of dead changeling’s guts on the windscreen...”

“Wait a minute!” I shout before turning back to Blossomforth. “Okay, here’s the deal,” I say. “We’ll throw you out, you’ll fall to the ground in the most dramatic way possible to lure Flitter and Cloudchaser, and tell them that unfortunately you couldn’t stop us. How does it sound to you?”

“What if I don’t?” Blossomforth asks.

“We’ll tie you and leave you here with Vinyl and Ruby.”

“I can untie myself from any knot in two minutes.”

Ruby smiles so wide that she looks like ponies from that strange village of cultists discovered a few years ago. “I’ll need one.”

“Deal,” Blossomforth stands up and winces. “Where’s the door?”

I show Blossomforth the door. She opens it and flies away in an uncoordinated manner, barely missing our tail and crashing into Flitter. I watch for a while as Cloudchaser tries to untangle them, then I close the door and grab Ruby with my magic.

“You’ll go with me,” I say, walking with her to the cockpit. Inkie is sitting there, staring at the controls in barely contained panic.

“What’s going on?” Inkie asks when I sit next to her and dump Ruby unceremoniously on Hexie’s seat.

“We had to throw Blossomforth out,” I reply, grabbing the radio.

Inkie only nods. “We’re flying south, but I only can fly by instruments, since the only visible point on the ground is that large fire we just left behind.”

“Okay,” I reply. “Fly a bit higher. I don’t wanna crash into some mountain and end up in Gelding Grotto or some similar place.” I turn to Ruby. “And now, we’ll talk to your mother...”

Ruby whimpers. “Why are you so cruel to me?”

“You’ve just scared an experienced special agent shitless,” I reply. “Shut up and take it like a grown mare.” I push the button on the radio. “Berry?”

“Hello,” Berry says in a tone suggesting that some bottles were already emptied. “I’m a bit busy at the moment. We’re searching the river for my kid. That retard never learned to swim.”

“I can swim, for fuck’s sake!” Ruby yells.

“Don’t use such words!” Berry shouts, causing radio speaker to almost explode in feedback. “You just fucking drowned!”

“Excuse me,” I say, seeing Inkie’s blush spreading from her face to other parts of her body. “Berry, Ruby is with us. She somehow sneaked on our plane.”

What follows is a five-minute-long stream of abuse, directed mostly at me, but also Ruby and Berry herself. I’ll spare you the details, but I can say that I had to cover Inkie’s ears or else we’d crash.

Berry pauses to catch a breath. “Can you fly back here and give her back to me? I’m gonna ground her forever.”

I gulp, preparing myself for another round of slurs. “We kinda can’t.”

“Why?” Berry asks after a moment of silence.

“You’ll see in the news,” I reply. “Let’s say that we’re currently not very welcome in Equestria.”

“What?”

“As I said, you’ll see in the news. Anyway, Ruby is safe with us. She won’t leave the plane.”

Berry sighs. “I know you and I know her. Something will go wrong.”

Well, I know Ruby and I know myself. Berry is totally right. Especially since we all know Vinyl. To change the topic, I ask, “How’s Cherry Berry? Did she start the tests of the plane?”

“This thing? She turned on the engines and nearly killed Silver Spanner,” Berry replies. “A typical day at work, really. Everything is fine.”

I have an unpleasant feeling that when I get back to Ponyville, I’ll see the scorched remains of the hangar. And Cherry Berry flying on the barn door.

“So, how exactly are those engines?” I ask.

A moment of silence, interrupted only by static. “To quote Cherry Berry, the props turn like two motherfuckers.”

I nod. “That’s what I wanted to hear. Take care, Berry. We’ll talk again when we’re in Mexicolt.”

“Okay,” Berry replies. “Berry out.”

I drop on my seat and look through the windscreen. Well, I can’t see horseapples – it’s dark and there’s some green slime on the glass. According to the instruments, we’re about four thousand metres above the ground, flying south at our typical cruise speed, which is a hundred and ninety kilometres per hour.

“Hey, what’s this?” Ruby asks, pointing at the crystal built into the wall.

“It’s our tracking spell,” I reply. “It shows things we can’t see. We wouldn’t want to hit some dragon or something. Also, you’d better go to the back of the plane. And tell Hexie to come here.”

“Auntie Vinyl is telling a joke about a bat pony drinking tea,” Ruby mutters, listening to the noises coming from behind the cockpit door. “Do you really want me to listen to it?”

“You know it already,” I reply. “Just like the story about three brothers and the horny princess.”

“Don’t remind me,” Ruby mutters. “When I finished telling it at the campfire, the colts went to the bushes to do stuff.”

Inkie clears her throat. “Excuse me, but I’m trying to focus on piloting here... Why don’t you go and tell that story to Vinyl?”

“Fair point,” I say. “Ruby, get out of the cockpit and go to sleep. Fillies sleep at night, even those who hide on planes to go on an adventure.”

“What if I don’t?”

“Remember what I told you about that filly who didn’t sleep and then murdered her classmates?”

“Cool!” Ruby smiles.

“Well, you won’t be like her,” I say with a sigh. “You’ll be just tired. Go to sleep.”

“Okay,” Ruby mutters and goes out of the cockpit. I grab the stick and look at the compass. Still going south. I hope we don’t find ourselves in the middle of the ocean when the sun rises. I grab a map and try to assess our position.

“You remind me of my mother,” Inkie says when I levitate the pencil to sketch our route.

“Say what now?” I ask, drawing a line joining the Badlands with Mexicolt. “We’d better turn a bit right, or else we’re gonna get shot down by the guys from Gaitanamo Bay. Dunno how about you, but I’d rather not have another meeting with Equestrian Army.”

Inkie nods. “She was telling us stories... Like, about a filly who went to a party and got pregnant. She then used a wire hanger to get rid of it and could never have foals again. So, she started to drink and do drugs. Then she died.”

“Tell that to Vinyl,” I mutter. “She’s pretty bad at the dying part. And I’m pretty sure she’d never used a wire hanger. Unless she masturbated with it.”

Inkie sighs. “Then I was afraid that I’d start to drink, do drugs, and die.”

“Did you?”

Inkie shakes her head. “No. I first had a drink in Hollow Shades. It wasn’t a pleasant experience...”

“Tell me about it,” I mutter. “I woke up in a coffin.”

Somepony knocks on the door. Before I have a chance to say “come in!”, the door opens. Vinyl steps into the cockpit, wearing a frilly pink gown and Rainbow Dash-shaped slippers.

“I just wanna say goodnight,” she says. “Also, Daring Do refuses to sleep next to me when I have those on.” She points at her slippers.

“Well, that’s her problem,” I reply. I wouldn’t want to sleep next to Vinyl either, regardless of what she’s wearing, but luckily, I won’t be sleeping tonight. Or rather, I’m gonna be fucking pissed tomorrow morning, after forty eight hours of flying and running away from Equestria’s government instead of sleeping. And that means that I’ll most likely crash this plane and Inkie won’t stop me because she also didn’t sleep for who the hell knows how long.

“Inkie, go to sleep,” I say.

“Why?”

“Because most accidents happen during take-off and landing,” I reply. “At least one of the pilots needs to be fresh. You don’t want Coco to be a widow?”

“Right,” Inkie mutters and stands up. “Wake me up when we’re close.”

I stay alone in the cockpit. The gauges show that everything is fine, which makes me worry, since it means that something will soon crash. I look through the windscreen, but there’s nothing there, only darkness and some glowing orbs in the sky. I ignore them – I’ve seen them many times and so did pilots of our helicopters who were flying at night. Maybe it’s a hallucination or maybe an alien ship. I know one thing – when Bitta Blues was trying to chase them, she woke up outside the wreckage of her helicopter, in the middle of the desert. According to some pilots, she spent the night lying unconscious on a cactus.

I yawn, listening to the monotone hum of the engine.

Then I wake up, five hundred metres lower than I used to be, with the speedometer showing sixty kilometres per hour. Holy shit! I push the throttle lever and the stick. The engine groans, but we’re slowly speeding up. Good thing we didn’t crash. How long was I out?

I look at the crystal of the tracking spell to check for mountains. There are none, but we apparently flew ten metres above some pass. Good thing I only moved the throttle lever in my sleep, instead of pushing the stick and making a big crater in the ground.

I just pull the stick to gain some of the lost altitude when the door opens and Inkie walks into the cockpit. “What’s going on? I can sleep through turbulences, but they woke up Vinyl, Lyra, and Pinchy.”

“Are they doing something dangerous?” I ask. “You told them that you can’t open the window?”

“Nope, but they’re talking about their farts.” Inkie groans. “It’s kinda hard to fall asleep when they–”

“Don’t finish,” I mutter. “Anyway, could you pilot the plane for a bit? I almost killed us all.”

If Inkie was swearing, she’d do that now. “H-how?” she asks, shuddering.

I yawn. “That’s how. If you don’t feel well, I’ll wake up Hexie and she’ll be sitting here with you. In fact, there should be always two of us here.”

Inkie nods and sits on her seat. Good girl. “Next time you feel sleepy, call me quicker,” she says. “Coco would kill me if I died.”

I nod and walk out of the cockpit. As I trot to the cargo hold, I hear a familiar voice saying familiar things.

“And then I ate five pounds of apples and drank a gallon of milk,” Vinyl says. “It was like an earthquake...”

I unzip the sleeping bag and slip inside. Daring Do sleeps next to me – apparently she’s pretty immune to any noises.

“You should’ve tried my mother’s cooking,” Ruby whispers. “My sleeping bag looked like an airship in the morning...”

Thanks for the mental image, kid. I cower in my sleeping bag and close my eyes.

“Do you sleep in it on a daily basis?” Lyra asks Ruby. “The sleeping bag, I mean.”

“Totally,” Ruby replies. “Like, I like to crawl into a tight space to fall asleep. I can’t sleep in the open.”

That explains everything: her father is a vampire who sleeps in the coffin. Too bad he didn’t bother to pay child support. Maybe Berry would have more time to actually explain to her daughter a difference between being independent and being an asshole.

“So, you crave closeness?” Lyra asks, concern in her voice. “You feel better in tight spaces? Do you have some parental issues?”

Ruby sighs. “You don’t fucking say...”

“Language!” I yell from my corner of the cargo hold. “In fact, I’m gonna establish a swear jar in here, just for you, Vinyl, and–”

“You?” Vinyl asks.

“Okay, me too,” I mutter, wrapping myself in the sleeping bag. “Goodnight, ponies.”

Apparently, I slept through not only the rest of the flight, but also the landing. I wake up to the sight of Vinyl throwing up into the bucket – apparently she didn’t take the landing lightly. Ruby watches her with a curious expression, kinda like medicine students look at their teacher dissecting a corpse.

“Hello,” Lyra says, walking into the cargo hold. “Inkie said that we only have a little fuel left and that we need to go and find a dude who sells it.”

I get up and stretch my hooves. “Sure,” I mutter. “If I recall correctly, the local tycoon is called Inmundo Rico. He has an office and warehouses here, in Mexicolt City. His company trades everything.”

“I’ll go with you,” Vinyl mutters weakly. “Like, I need some fresh air. And cigarettes.”

“May I go with you too?” Ruby asks.

“No,” I reply, trying to make my voice sound strict. “I told Berry that we’ll keep you out of trouble.”

Ruby takes a deep breath to throw a tantrum, when Hexie walks in and smirks at her. “Don’t worry,” she says. “I’ll keep an eye on you. We’ll check all the systems of the plane together.”

Ruby still doesn’t look convinced. “What dangerous can happen? It’s just a city...”

“We’re not in Equestria anymore,” Vinyl says. “Not to mention that when we last landed somewhere, we had to run away as if our arses were on fire. It probably had something to do with some two incestuous hags who–”

“What is ‘incestuous’?” Ruby asks.

“I’ll tell you if you stay with Hexie.” I sigh and turn to Lyra. “Is Daring going with us?”

“No,” Lyra replies. “She said that she’ll stay and keep an eye on the plane. You know, in case a thousand ninjas come to steal it.”

I nod. “Okay, let’s go there.”

“Woohoo!” Vinyl yells. “Just like in old times! Just you, me, and Inkie.”

“And me,” Lyra adds.

Vinyl ignores her. “Wish Trixie was here. You don’t know what she’s doing, huh?”

We walk out of the plane. The weather is hot and sunny, and the place smells. Not surprising. There are not many proper airports in the world yet and the one in Mexicolt City is basically a large market – the only thing that differs it from other such establishments is that airships from the Griffon Empire land there, as well as pegasi from the south, and even some of our helicopters. Add lots of improperly stored food and generally hot climate into the mix and you know why the air smells as if something died here.

“No, I don’t know where she is,” I reply, walking past the group of teenage bat ponies. They’re probably tourists, judging by the smell of unwashed bodies and their t-shirts, with things such as “Bat Ass” or “Bat Attitude” written on them.

“That sucks,” Vinyl mutters. “Like, she took her money and disappeared without saying goodbye.”

“Hey, look, a sombrero!” Lyra exclaims. “Can I buy a sombrero?”

“Do what you want,” I say. “But remember that we’re not here to buy souvenirs.”

“Okay.” Lyra puts a sombrero on her head. “How about this cute monkey with cymbals?”

“No fucking way,” Vinyl mutters. “It stares into my soul...” Suddenly, she sniffs the air and trots to a stall filled with some leaves. The old alpaca behind the leaves looks at her and smirks – she probably knows that shiksas from Equestria mean easy money. Especially if the leaves are what I think they are.

“Err... Buenos dias,” Vinyl says, smiling like an idiot and making a wide gesture with her hooves. “Umm... Me gusta la cocaina?”

The alpaca sighs. “Twenty pesos per pound. Or twenty bits per pound if that suits you better.”

Well, I’m not sure what’s the most recent exchange rate, but unless there was a large crisis recently, someone here wants to fuck us. Not to mention that we have a bigger problem.

“Vinyl, for Celestia’s sake, you can’t just buy coca leaves!” I pull Vinyl from the stall.

“Why not? You let Lyra buy a sombrero!”

“Because sombreros are sombreros and coca leaves are, well, coca leaves,” I reply. “And we have something to do, after all. Lyra? Inkie? Where are you?”

“I was buying that rock,” Inkie replies, showing me a pebble in a questionable shape. “I’m sure Maud will love it.”

“Yeah, no doubts about that,” I mutter.

“It’s just leaves,” Vinyl says, trying to go back to the stall. “It’s not like I’m going to extract cocaine from them right after we’re back in the plane.”

“Chill out,” Lyra says. “Remember that prices here are for tourists. I’m pretty sure the leaves will be cheaper in town.”

Vinyl was right. Just like in the old times, except Trixie was less nuts, incredible as it may seem. We walk through the colourful street, full of stalls with exotic food and local clothes. Hmm, maybe I’ll get a poncho? Or anything to keep me warm when I’m flying.

“Vinyl, pay that old lady two bits for that locust you just stole from the stall,” I mutter. “We’re not here to get arrested. Ladies in local prisons would love you...”

In hindsight, I should’ve known that it’s not how you discourage Vinyl from anything.

“Are they hot?” Vinyl asks.

“Meth addicts with cunts so loose that you’d be able to fit a basketball there?” I shrug. “Whatever floats your boat.”

Vinyl sighs and shuts up. The citizens – mostly donkeys and alpacas – look at us curiously. Nothing surprising – we’re clearly not locals and Lyra is wearing a sombrero.

Inkie walks to me. “Do you think they’re gonna rob us?” she whispers into my ear.

“Not really,” I reply. “It’s a civilised place. They won’t rob us. Instead, they’ll make us spend all our money on something we don’t want. Which is exactly what ponies in Equestria do to tourists.”

“And it works?”

“Hey!” Lyra exclaims. “Ponchos! I’m gonna buy a poncho to go with this sombrero!”

Inkie nods and we stop, waiting for Lyra to finish talking with the vendor. It takes a while, since she’s only a bit better than Vinyl when it comes to languages.

Finally, we get to the office of Inmundo Rico’s enterprise, called Ganga Corral or something like that. The building is more or less as huge as my hangar in Ponyville, but much more elegant – built of white marble, with columns in the front, surrounded by palm trees. By the door, we’re greeted by a young, brownish alpaca wearing a shirt with a nametag which says “Paco”. He follows us to the reception desk.

“Buenos dias,” Paco says, raising his eyebrows when his eyes land upon Vinyl and Lyra. For a moment I can almost see a struggle going in his mind, but then he turns to me and Inkie. Apparently, we’re in his comfort zone – darker colours, serious expressions, and we’re having aviator goggles hanging from our necks.

“Buenos,” I reply. “Yo no habla–”

“Don’t worry, we all habla here,” Paco replies. “Unfortunately, we don’t serve customers here. Go to one of our shops. There are ten of them in Mexicolt City alone.”

“We need a bigger order,” I say. “I guess you have kerosene in your magazines? We need about 1200 litres.”

“To that mechanical dragonfly?” Paco asks. “Yeah, I’ve heard that you came here. Unfortunately, I don’t think you can talk to the boss today.”

“Why?” I ask, trying to ignore the fact that Lyra and Vinyl walk around the lounge and watch the pictures on the walls as if those were some masterpieces. Well, maybe they are – most of them depict ships, factories, and various machines.

In fact, I’m most afraid about the potted palms that stand in the corners and on both side of large, marble stairs. Like, Vinyl may pee in the pots.

“Today it’s the cuteceanera of his daughter, Diamante.” Paco leans closer to us. “The celebration will last three days and all the members of Rico family will show up.” He lowers his voice to a whisper, “It’s all as organised as el burdel on fire.”

“Sounds like my thing,” I mutter. “Lead the way, Paco. I’m gonna talk to Señor Rico...”

Paco sighs and walks out of the office with us. The walk from it to Señor Rico’s residence is not long, but Paco goes slowly, as if he didn’t want to be there with us. Especially with us.

When we reach the residence, the reason for this becomes clear. It really resembles a brothel on fire. A really large brothel, where everypony speaks in the most dramatic way possible. In other words, something like the stuff my mother likes to read.

In the middle of the room, a brown pony with large moustache and an eyepatch is yelling something frantically at a group of donkeys. Behind him, there’s a pink filly with violet and black mane, wearing a white dress. She seems pretty bored by the whole situation – she yawns and looks at us with an indifferent expression.

“This is Inmundo Rico,” Paco mutters, pointing at the stallion, who’s now yanking his moustache and rolling his eyes. “You wanted something from him?”

Vinyl steps up. “Let me handle it. I know that kind.” She walks to Inmundo Rico and says, “Hey, mariachi, we have a business...”

“¡Métetelo por el culo!” Inmundo Rico shouts.

Vinyl sighs. “Listen, dude: I don’t want you to talk about métetelo anything in my culo, especially when there’s a filly around. Second thing is, we’re bringing money, so shut up, pendejo and listen, or all your family will think that you’re a pinche idiota who let such an occasion slip through his hooves. Capisco?”

“Si.” Rico replies. “But you must understand me! My daughter’s cuteceanera must be perfect! We prepared everything and now this!” He looks at the ceiling and groans. His daughter shrugs.

“Isn’t it strange that they have cuteceaneras like we do?” Vinyl whispers to me. “Like, one’d think they’d call it differently.”

I sigh. “We have cuteceaneras like they do,” I mutter before turning to Rico. “What exactly happened? Maybe we can help? We can organise DJ Pon3’s concert!”

“Actually, I’ve heard about an interesting custom,” Lyra says to Vinyl behind my back. “On the third day of the party, a filly who got her cutie mark is publically deflowered by a donkey. Apparently it brings good luck.”

“I call bullshit,” Vinyl whispers. “Sleeping with donkeys only brings you trouble. Like, we broke the bed. Five times.”

“Help?” Rico’s cry causes Vinyl to shut up. “You can’t help! You see, there was supposed to be lucha libre during the party and one of las luchadoras broke his hoof! I can’t replace her now!”

I nod, remembering one of my previous jobs. “Lucha libre, you say? I used to be a manager. How exactly was that supposed to look like?”

Inmundo Rico stands still and closes his eyes. “Hooves versus hands. Strength versus dexterity. Pony versus minotaur...” he makes a dramatic pause. “La Cabra Loca versus La Matanza!” He opens his eyes. “And then La Cabra Loca broke her hoof.”

“I can see a problem there,” I say. “But there’s never too late to find a replacement, right?” I’m shit at fighting, unless I can fight dirty and I’m pretty sure the minotaur is a heel here. But hell, it’s staged anyway. Nothing bad can happen to me.

“I can do that,” Inkie mutters before I’m able to say something. She blushes when we look at her. “What?” she whispers. “You always say that I’m good at beating ponies.”

“You can’t do that,” I say. “You hate beating ponies!”

“But I’m good at it.” Inkie sighs. “If not me, then who? Vinyl?”

Tempting. Vinyl is a born showmare, she’d manage to entertain the audience even if a minotaur punched her through the wall. But Vinyl suddenly hides behind Lyra; apparently it’s too much even for her.

“Okay,” I say after a while. “She’s a good replacement, I can tell you. She trained with 3M herself, if you remember her.”

Inmundo Rico still looks unsure, so I decide to be more direct. “We book a fight, you give us kerosene, day’s saved. We’re getting out of here. Okay?”

Inmundo Rico clears his throat. “The problem is, Diamante wanted to see an unstaged fight for once. Right, Diamante?”

“Si, papa,” Diamante replies, her expression still indifferent.

Well, shit. It’s not wrestling I fought for.

“I’m fine with this,” Inkie mutters in a tone suggesting that she’s totally not fine with this. “How are we gonna do that?”

“We’re not,” I reply. “I hate to be that pony, but you can’t just wrestle a minotaur, especially since it’s clear you don’t want to.”

Inkie looks at me coldly – that’s something I rarely see. “I will wrestle a minotaur whether you want it or not. Don’t tell me what to do.”

“Yeah,” Vinyl says. “You’re, like, not her mother. Besides, go and tell Daring Do that we’re gonna stay here for three days because you don’t want Inkie to wrestle a minotaur. C’mon, I dare you.”

“I’m gonna tell her,” I reply. “In fact, I’m gonna do that right now.” I walk away from them. Lyra runs behind me.

“Don’t worry,” Lyra says. “We’ll take care of everything.”

“Fuck off,” I reply, walking out of Mr. Rico’s house and join the crowds in the street. I walk through the town in a foul mood, barely paying attention to my surroundings.

You see, when I’m in a foul mood, I’m not fun to be around. Well, even more than usual, actually. I swear, kick foals down the stairs, say things I regret later... It gets even worse when someone else is pissed. Like, a few years ago I was taking care of Ruby right after getting fired. Berry had a bad hangover and a sudden attack of maternal instinct. Yelling at Ruby to stop levitating stuff around escalated into a fully-scale argument, after which I ended up getting punched through the wall. Then we both had to attend anger management classes.

“¡Señorita! ¿Cerveza?” The voice snaps me out of my thoughts.

“Si,” I reply, throwing some bits on the counter. “Mucha cerveza.”

Sipping beer, I trot towards Little Cadance. Only now I notice how shitty the surroundings look. Like, there’s a stinky gutter nearby, with two dead rats lying next to each other. Woohoo. Wonder how nopony died of some really nasty shit here yet.

I stop, watching as the third rat slowly approaches its dead companions. Circle of life. Your friends died, so it’s time to eat them. Though I’ve heard that when a herd of rats find food, they always find a volunteer to taste it, and if they croak, the rest doesn’t eat it. I’m not sure if that rat heard about it, though.

The rat is about to sink its teeth in its dead companion, when suddenly I hear a shot. Not a howitzer shot, but rather a dry snap of a carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing which tells time. The rat jumps and drops dead next to the other two.

Wait, did I just say that “carbine action” thing?

Shite.

“Ruby!” I yell, turning towards the plane. My beloved not-exactly-niece is lying on the upper wing with a BB-gun resting by her side.

“Hello,” she says. “What’s up?”

“You’ll be, when I kick you back to Equestria!” I shout. “What the fuck are you doing?”

“I’m shooting rats,” Ruby replies. “We checked the whole plane with Hexie and repaired the aileron. Daring Do brought us dinner and now I’m relaxing.”

“By shooting rats.”

“It’s the only entertainment in here.” Ruby shrugs.

“Yeah, but I was standing there. And you know that I react badly to shots.” Indeed, I do. Must have something to do with all those mafia guys that used to chase me.

Meanwhile, Ruby doesn’t listen to me. She cocks the lever of her BB gun and aims at something. Most unicorns use levitation for that, but Ruby’s style is kinda hybrid: she holds it with her hooves and uses magic to pull the trigger. Apparently it gives her better stability or something.

I turn around to see an emaciated cat sniffing the dead rats. Stability my ass. I use my own magic to levitate the BB-gun out of Ruby’s hooves and smack her gently in the back of the head with its butt.

“Ouch!” Ruby winces. “What was that for?”

“You wanted to kill a cat,” I reply. “In ancient Haygypt an angry mob would rip you to shreds.”

“We’re not in Haygypt,” Ruby replies. “And there’s no mob here.”

“But there’s me.” I take the gun away from her and try to unload it. I’m not sure how to do that – back when I was a kid, we were playing with slingshots. That is, until Cherry Berry got her first concussion ever. “First you shoot rats, then cats, and then your classmates. Why are you even shooting rats? They’re intelligent.”

“They eat their own shit.” Ruby jumps off the wings in a rather ungraceful manner, grabbing wires of the plane to slow herself down.

“But they have some purpose to do that,” I say. “Try to shoot spiders.”

“They’re too small.”

“Wait till we go to Oatstralia,” I mutter. “Anyway, I’m not here to tell you about shooting rats. Where’s Daring Do?”

“I’m here,” Daring Do replies, walking out of the plane. “What’s going on? Did you buy fuel?”

“Well, kind of.” I smirk sheepishly. “You see, my friends are idiots sometimes.”

“That white one even more often than sometimes,” Daring Do deadpans.

“Yeah.” I nod. “You see, as a matter of fact, they’re gonna wrestle a minotaur...”

I expect fury. Or a punch in the face. Or both.

“Do they wrestle a minotaur because we won’t be given fuel otherwise?” Daring Do asks.

“Not really...”

“Do they do that to save somepony who’ll give us fuel?” She smiles, grabbing her notebook. Behind her back, Ruby rolls her eyes.

“No,” I reply.

“What are they doing then?” Daring Do waves her hoof.

“If they wrestle a minotaur, we’ll be given fuel today or tomorrow. If not, we’ll have to wait three days.” I sigh and facehoof.

“Regardless of the outcome of the fight?” Daring Do asks.

“Yes.”

“That’s fucking retarded.” Daring Do shakes her head.

“That’s what I was trying to say.”

“Let’s go and see it.” She jumps and claps her hooves. “There’s always time for adventure!”

Ruby raises her eyebrows and shrugs behind Daring’s back. Meanwhile, Daring flies to the plane, calling Hexie.

Hexie emerges from the inside of the machine with some colourful wires wrapped around her leg. Her mane is rather messy, as if she just woke up. Judging by the way she walks, she also took a look into the crate with whiskey before going to sleep.

“Hello.” She raises the hoof with wires. “I was just fixing those. They could’ve killed us in, like, ten thousand kilometres.”

“So I guess you’re busy?” I ask.

Hexie looks at Daring Do unsurely. “Eeyup. Also, someone has to take care of the plane in case of, you know, ninja attack or something.”

“Whatever floats your boat,” I reply, shrugging. “No, Ruby, we’ll leave your BB-gun here. Hexie may need it to make some ninja laugh.”

“Shouldn’t I stay here too?” Ruby asks, watching as Daring makes a somersault in the air. “Maybe she’ll need help with ninjas?”

“It’s a cuteceanera,” I reply. “There’ll be other kids there.”

Ruby sighs and lowers her head. “Okay...”

We walk next to the gutter, where the cat is now munching on dead rats and trot through the town. It’s slowly getting dark, which means that the party will soon start. The air is still hot, but at least we can breathe normally now. The air is filled with buzzing of insects, which reminds me of something.

“As soon as we’re back, you’re getting a malaria vaccine,” I say to Ruby. “Berry will tear my head off if you get sick.”

“Is that why you took my gun away?” Ruby asks. Before I can reply, she adds, “You know I’m not afraid of needles like auntie Vinyl.”

Well, she isn’t, though she wasn’t always like that. When she was two, Berry and I were barely able to drag her to the doctor. But at least she was a normal foal back then, if we assume that a two-year-old can be normal.

“Here we are,” I say when we stand in front of Inmundo Rico’s house. Paco is standing next to the door. He rushes to us as soon as he sees me.

“Your friends told me to wait for you,” he says. “This white one said that she knew you’d be back.”

“How are they?” I ask.

“They say that they got it and no worries.”

No worries? Vinyl can sometimes be more Oatstralian than me, even though she rarely moves her arse outside Equestria.

Paco looks at Ruby. “Young seńorita can join Diamante and her friends,” he says.

We proceed inside. I can hear loud music playing – judging by the fact that someone occasionally yells to the microphone like a raped baboon, Vinyl got to the turntables after all. Daring Do seems charmed – she quickly finds Lyra in the crowd, stands next to her, and grabs her notebook.

I notice Diamante among the ponies. She walks to Ruby and says something quickly, to which Ruby shrugs.

Diamante says something again. This time, I can catch the words “lucha libre”.

Ruby nods. “Madre mia... el luchadora, she mutters with an accent even more terrible than Vinyl’s.

“El luchadora?” Diamante asks.

“Si. Tres-M,” Ruby replies, sweating as she’s trying to recall all her limited vocabulary.

“Tres-M?” Diamante’s jaw drops and she explodes into some long monologue. At some point I can clearly hear the words “Geneighva Convención”. Nice to know that kids heard about even so unconventional tactics. Though, on the other hoof that fight wasn’t kid-friendly.

Ruby and Diamante walk away. I watch as Ruby takes a sip of punch when Diamante isn’t watching. I can see her wince – good to know that there’s apparently some tequila in the punch.

I turn to look at Daring Do, but I can’t see her. Instead, I see some gentlecolt wearing a sombrero and sporting an obviously fake moustache. To think about it, he totally looks like Daring Do.

“Professor Yearling, what the hell are you doing?” I whisper.

“Shh...” She puts her hoof over her muzzle. “Too many strange ponies here. I need to be incognito. From now on, I’m Perrito Calliente.”

“It literally means ‘Hot Dog’,” I reply. “They’re gonna find out that something’s wrong. Have you ever met a pony named Hot Dog?”

“Then we’ll switch to plan B,” she says. “A glorious escape.”

“I don’t think escapes can be glorious, but they may save lives. Which are not endangered right now.”

“They still can,” she mutters.

I sigh and take a look at the crowd. Most of the ponies there look similar to Inmundo Rico, Diamante, or both. Many of them have moustache that, unlike my new friend Perrito’s, looks genuine. Some of them even wear sombreros. Unlike Lyra, however, they look as if they were born with them.

Speaking of Lyra, she’s walking to us through the crowd. She stands in front of us, staggering slightly. I’m guessing punch. Or tequila.

“Hi,” she says. “I knew you’d be back, you know?” She looks at Daring Do and smirks. “How am I supposed to call your new friend?”

“Burrito or something like that,” I reply. “She... I mean, he, likes to pretend to be somepony else.”

“Shut up, cabrón,” Daring Do mutters. “Soy Perrito Calliente.”

“As you wish,” I reply. “Besa mi culo, puto.”

“Anyway,” Lyra says, ignoring our little conversation. “Inkie’s getting ready. We called her Rock Crusher.”

“How’s she?” I ask, ignoring the idiocy of Inkie’s name. After all, during my months as Berry’s manager, I was hanging out with Steel Buns, Balls Destroyer, and Brain Masher. The last of those now lives in Ponyville and has a son who, according to Ruby, is a total loser.

“Good,” Lyra mutters, staring at Daring Do. “Don’t worry about her. Vinyl has an idea...”

Okay, I wasn’t worried before. Now I’m worried like a train driver who discovers that some idiot thought that tracks are a good place a picnic with twenty foals.

“What kind of idea?”

“You’ll see,” Lyra replies. “Anyway, you have a place next to La Matanza’s manager. His name, by a sheer accident, is Perrito Calliente.”

“Go and tell him that his name sounds fake,” Daring Do mutters.

I tell her, in my poor Caballo, what did I do to her mother’s milk. Lyra, who may be ignoring what we say because she simply doesn’t know the language, leads us to the arena in the middle of the garden, surrounded by folding bleachers. On one of the sides of the arena, there’s a set of turntables, where Vinyl dances as if she had a fit of epilepsia. Some ponies are already sitting there; I can see Diamante and Ruby, accompanied by some dark-haired filly with glasses.

“That’s Cucharilla da Silva, Diamante’s best friend,” Lyra informs me, walking through the crowd. We sit next to a brownish guy with glasses. He has a blonde mane and no moustache, so he’s probably not from here.

“Hello,” I say. “Seńor Calliente, I suppose?”

“Yeah,” he replies. “5M, I guess?”

“How did you–”

“Your friend told me,” Calliente replies, pointing at Vinyl. “She said that you want to get back into business and you’re now helping this kid.”

What? I already have my own business, thank you. And I was never much into wrestling. It was just one of the opportunities I had, just like army, journalism, and stealing mafia’s money.

“Well, I’m a bit busy,” I reply. “The thing is–”

“I know, that flying thing.” Calliente chuckles. “Nice idea. I guess it’s not an accident that you’re here today. Rico’s business may be legal, but some of his cousins...” He clicks his tongue.

Oh, fuck me. I’m getting into mafia’s affairs again? No way. I need to tell them that one of the rules by which Turner and Berry functions is that we don’t transport drugs, dangerous chemicals, and foals in boxes with holes. We also don’t fly above warzones.

“I’m not here to offer my services to anypony,” I reply in a voice that could freeze Tartarus. “And we’re certainly not getting into wrestling again.”

Calliente chuckles. “I can hardly call that ‘not getting into wrestling’...”

The music dies down. Vinyl grabs the microphone in a way telling me that I should’ve gotten earplugs. Next to me, Lyra and Daring Do watch the arena in anticipation. On the other side of the bleachers, Ruby eats a tortilla.

“Hola, fillies and gentlecolts!” Vinyl yells into the microphone. “I hope you liked that little show by yours truly, unforgettable DJ Pon3!” She chuckles. The audience hardly gives a damn – they’re probably waiting for the fight to start, not to mention that, judging by Inmundo Rico’s behaviour, they’re used to much more dramatic speeches.

Vinyl notices that. “Okay, so if someone wants to talk, drink, or do other lewd things to me, I’m here,” she says. “But now, it’s time for something you waited for... Something you’ll tell your grandkids about...” She pushes some button on her console, causing it to make a sound of incoming thunder. “The eternal struggle between strength and agility! The fight between barbaric heroes, who will never give up! The fight which will make you rethink your whole lives! Fillies and gentlecolts... Let me introduce you to a hero... a girl so fast that her punches go back in time and smack your mother in the back of the head while she’s giving birth! The brave warrior who always defends the poor and kicks the crap out of the oppressive authority! A hero of a thousand ballads! Let me introduce... The Rock Crusher!”

Hmm, it seems that Vinyl was learning from Trixie. Though I guess “oppressive authority” is not a safe thing to say when local police commander is sitting two rows from me, right next to the mayor and some important donkey who apparently is Mexicolt’s minister of economy.

Inkie walks into the arena. Her costume is pretty impressive, given how little time Lyra and Vinyl had to prepare it. A torn, steel-coloured suit with a mask, adorned with several belts – kinda like that new wave of comic book superheroes, who do nothing but kick arse and whine. Inkie tries to stare at the audience menacingly, which is kinda easier with the mask. I bet poor girl is scared shitless.

Vinyl clears her throat. “And now, my dear audience, time for our today’s opponent. When she heard about Rock Crusher for the first time, she swore that she won’t come back to her dark home in the middle of poisonous swamp till she defeats her and hang her head on her horn. The grass dies where she stood... If you see her, your days are numbered... She eats nails and farts dragonfire! Fillies and gentlecolts... La Matanza!”

Well, shit. The minotaur is twice taller than Inkie and at least ten times more muscular. Her outfit consists mostly of leather, chains, leather chains, silver nails, earrings, and hatred towards the whole world. She enters the arena with a deafening roar, and bangs her fist against an empty seat, crushing it.

The audience trembles in fear. Well, except of me and Calliente. You know, back when Berry was fighting, I invented a whole story of how she rips her opponents open and eats their steaming entrails while singing prayers to Nightmare Moon. I bet Calliente has similar experiences.

“Who’s the judge?” I ask. Not that it usually matters, but if they’re going to fight for real, there’d better be somepony to stop them from killing each other. And yeah, I’m worried about the minotaur too.

Calliente shrugs. “Some alpaca dude. I don’t know him, but it seems that it’s all one big kludge, y’know? Like, they’re trying to make a great match with minimal effort.”

“Maybe,” I reply, watching as Paco enters the arena to tell the wrestlers to have a fair fight. Yeah, right. La Matanza looks like she thought “fair fight” is some kind of food.

La Matanza roars, charging at Inkie. She looks like a steam locomotive running loose, except locomotives don’t usually have horns. Inkie waits calmly till the minotaur is close and jumps to her left. La Matanza continues to run, causing ponies to flee from the bleachers.

The sound of cracking wood causes the audience to groan. La Matanza turns around, grabs a piece of board and throws it at Inkie. For a moment, I imagine the board hitting Inkie and turning into splinters, but Inkie dodges and stands in the middle of the arena. As the minotaur charges at her again, she cowers and rolls between her opponent’s legs. She recovers quickly, being in an ideal position to kick the confused minotaur in the ass...

Except she doesn’t. She waits for La Matanza to turn to her, and dodges another blow, which could’ve probably grind her into the ground. Unfazed by the fact that the minotaur’s fist can make holes in rocks, she dodges punch after punch, never trying to strike back.

The ponies from seats next to the arena decide to move higher – I’m not surprised since a running minotaur has quite a lot of momentum and can’t just stop on a dime.

“Come on!” Ruby yells from her seat. “Destroy her!”

Next to her, Diamante shouts something similar in Caballo. I wonder if they at least support the same wrestler. Even if they don’t, it doesn’t seem to affect their newly-formed friendship.

Inkie dodges another punch and stands in the corner of the arena. Her fur is drenched in sweat; I can see it even from my seat. She’s panting heavily and I don’t think she can continue like this for too long. La Matanza seems a bit tired too, though it’s hard to say under all that leather and chains.

The audience starts booing. I’m not surprised – they fight for, like, ten minutes already, and not a single blow landed on any of them. Or, in case of Inkie, it wasn’t even attempted.

“C’mon, Inkie!” I yell. “Kick her arse!”

La Matanza charges at Inkie, who runs away once again, jumping on the empty seat. The minotaur lands in debris of other seats, collapsing. She gets up angrily, watching Inkie.

“Me cago en la leche de tu puta madre!” she yells.

The crowd goes silent. Some mare on the other side faints. Daring Do makes notes so fast that I’m surprised that her pencil didn’t burst in flames.

Inkie stands straight and looks into the face of La Matanza. “Nopony insults my mother,” she says.

What happens next is so quick that I’m barely able to follow it. At one moment, Inkie was on the bench, then she was in mid-air, above the minotaur. A loud smack makes the audience wince when Inkie’s hind legs make contact with La Matanza’s face, using it as a springboard. She somersaults in the air and lands on her front legs, kicking her opponent’s arse with the hind ones.

La Matanza flies forward, destroying several rows of bleachers and landing in front of some old guy with a cane. The guy says something to her. She stands up slowly, but Inkie is already next to her. A buck to the stomach causes La Matanza to lean forward, looking like an oversized pocket knife. Which means that her face is in the right place for Inkie to kick.

The crowd cheers when the minotaur falls on her back. Inkie walks to her and pokes her with her hoof. La Matanza hits her hand against the ground three times, causing the crowd to erupt in cheering. Ruby and Diamante hug. Vinyl yells something to the microphone, but I barely can hear that. Lyra stands from her seat and walks to Perrito Calliente to shake his hoof.

“That was a great idea,” Calliente says. “Insulting her family makes her go crazy. But don’t rely on it too much, or else it’ll get boring.”

“Wait...” I mutter. “What idea?”

Lyra blushes. “Umm... Remember how this guy said that this fight is not gonna be staged?”

“Yeah,” I reply. “I didn’t like it.”

Calliente nods. “Candy and I didn’t like it either. So, together with Lyra, we staged this fight unofficially...”

I facehoof. “Couldn’t you tell me? I’d be much calmer, you know...”

“Vinyl wondered what your reaction would be,” Lyra says, smiling sheepishly.

“And I wonder if Vinyl wants to live without hind legs,” I mutter. “Also, Perrito is right, this gimmick is gonna get tired after two fights or so.” With these words, I walk down, to Inkie, who’s now helping La Matanza up.

“Congratulations,” I say. “To you too, La Matanza. You can now tell that you got your arse kicked by the strongest not-badass in the world.”

“Call me Candy,” the minotaur says. “Getting my ass kicked by all those good guys... Just my luck.”

“Come to Equestria one day.” I smile, trying to make my mane look like Twilight Sparkle’s. “We can redeem even the worst cunt in the world.”

“I’m not planning any turns right now,” Candy replies. “I mean–” She pauses, hearing Inmundo Rico’s voice. He’s apparently getting dramatic over something again.

“What do you mean when you say that you staged a fight?” he asks Lyra, nearly strangling her. “It was going to be unstaged!”

I shake my head and walk to them. Lyra is only slightly smarter than Vinyl, but I can’t let some idiot strangle her. Daring Do wouldn’t pay us then.

“What’s going on?” I ask.

“I’ve heard everything!” Inmundo Rico twirls his moustache and tries to look menacing. “You staged a fight!”

“Listen, mate,” I say, pointing at the place where Diamante talks with Ruby. “Look at your daughter. Staged or not, she looks quite happy to me. That was the purpose, right?”

Inmundo Rico thinks for a moment. “You’re right. That was a great fight and Diamante really liked it. I’m glad to meet you and–”

“Okay, mate, enough of this,” I mutter. “You know where to bring the fuel, right? If not, Lyra and Inkie will gladly tell you. Now I have to get Ruby out of here.”

I walk to Ruby, who talks to Diamante and Cucharilla da Silva in some blend of Equine and Caballo. Damn, those kids are quick to learn languages. Or creating creoles, as Daring Do would say.

“I’m glad you found friends, but we have to go soon,” I tell Ruby, who makes puppy eyes. “You can always write letters to them...”

“But I don’t want to go...” Ruby lowers her head.

“And I don’t want your mom to drown me in a bottle of vodka for leaving you here,” I mutter. “Come on, we’ll visit Diamante on our way back.”

“Can’t we stay for two more days?” Ruby asks. “Diamante says that they have an interesting custom. You know, donkeys–”

Oh, fuck no. “We’re going now!” I exclaim, trying to levitate her. She dodges my magic and raises her hoof in an attempt to mimic an offensive gesture common among griffons and minotaurs. “Daring Do is calling us for an adventure, remember!”

Ruby raises her eyebrows. “I don’t get it... What is wrong in donkey racing?”

“Something must be,” I reply. “And now let’s go!”

It takes a while before we manage to leave the party. Getting Vinyl from behind the turntables was the most difficult part, especially since there were, like, two guys under them, actively helping her in fulfilling the dream of getting laid everywhere we go. At least Ruby doesn’t see it, since she’s busy helping Lyra finding Daring Do... or rather Perrito Calliente the Second.

Finally, we’re all in the street, along with a couple of alpacas pulling carts with our fuel. Ruby yawns. I levitate her on my back where she quickly falls asleep.

“One’d think she’s a cute kid when she doesn’t talk,” Vinyl says.

“Fuck off,” Ruby mutters in her sleep.

Vinyl sighs, levitating a cigarette. “Anyway, we need to go back there. There was that cute girl there... She was almost as callipygian as Octy.”

“I’d like to remind you that I had to pull some guy’s tongue out of your ass,” I mutter, hoping that Inkie isn’t listening. “Also, you made that word up, didn’t you?”

“I didn’t,” Vinyl replies, blowing smoke towards the alpacas pulling a cart. “I was once bored on the toilet and the only book in there was a dictionary.”

“By the way,” I say. “Stop smoking next to the cart full of fuel. Remember the exploding outhouse?”

“Please, I have a scar on my left cheek. Wanna see it?”

I say nothing, instead focusing on the view. The market stalls are closed, but apparently the ponies who weren’t invited to Diamante’s cuteceanera decided to make their own party – I can hear muffled singing from the nooks, as well as screams, moans, and sound of breaking bottles.

We’re getting close to the place where we left our plane, but the noises don’t stop. In fact, they only intensify.

“Something’s wrong,” Inkie says suddenly.

“You can tell it from that noise?” I ask.

“No, I just tripped over a pony in ninja suit, who looks like someone straightened him up with a monkey wrench.”

What? Oh shit. I walk to Inkie and take a look at the guy. He’s indeed wearing a ninja suit but it’s rather hard to learn anything more from him, mainly because he’s unconscious.

Luckily for us, a second later another ninja hits the ground right in front of us. He gets up and tries to run away, but Daring Do grabs him.

“What’s going on here?” she asks.

“She’s drunk!” he yells. “Drunk and dangerous!”

“Who?” Vinyl asks, but I already know the answer. I try to put Ruby on the ground, but she drops rather unceremoniously. Never mind. I run towards the plane, gesturing Inkie to follow me. After running for about hundred metres, I can already hear my mechanic’s sweet voice.

“Come on! Come at me, cocksuckers!” Hexie yells, standing between the plane and a bunch of ninjas. “Wanna end up like the previous one?”

One of the ninjas runs towards her – I’m pretty sure his friends pushed him. When he’s about to reach Hexie, she collapses like someone who had too much vodka. The ninja stops, confused, just to get a powerful buck to the side, which causes him to roll on the ground. Hexie stands up, staggering, and stares at her opponents.

“Hey, cunts!” she yells, throwing an empty bottle at them. “Why don’t you fight me all at once?”

“Bad idea,” I mutter, seeing as the ninjas stare at each other. Then they rush into an uncoordinated charge.

“We need to help her,” I say. “On one...”

Before I can say “two”, Inkie grabs the crystal gun from its holster and fires it at one of the ninjas, who drops to the ground clutching his balls.

“What?” Inkie says. “I’m not gonna wrestle someone again tonight.”

“Fair enough,” I reply, firing a spell at another ninja. Too bad this one is female and my spell only heats her privates.

She turns around. “Child care!” she yells in a strange accent. “To attack him from behind!”

“What?” I ask.

“You will be destroyed!”

“Okay, that I understand,” I mutter, teleporting to get behind her and kick her in the crotch.

“Aargh!” she cries. “You have to fight to clean!”

“I’d rather fight effective,” I mutter, jumping into the air and levitating myself to remain suspended for a little longer. That way, I can kick two ninjas at once.

“There’s only one thing we say to Death,” I say, landing swiftly on the ground. “Not to–” I’m not sure what happened, which means that I probably got a nunchaku to the back of the head.

“Below!” someone shouts behind me. Then I hear a smack.

“I’m pretty sure you wanted to say, ‘one down, two to go’,” Daring Do says, helping me up. “But there’s more of us...”

“I’m too old for this shit...” I mutter, blinking. As my vision clears, I realise that Daring and I are surrounded by at least ten ninjas.

“I’m forty-five,” Daring Do replies. “What’s your excuse?”

“Nevermind.” I fire a spell at the nearest ninja. As he grabs his balls, I introduce his companion to my left hook. Daring has it easier – she simply takes off and uses her hind legs to send another ninja into the world where he can dream about circling birds. Too bad my ninja just shrugs the punch off and tries to counterattack. I duck, headbutting him. My horn rips a hole in his black outfit, but at the same time he grabs me.

Deadlock, huh? In such situation, simple solutions are the best. I bite the guy’s hoof, causing him to let go off me. I jump back, right in time to bump into two ninjas approaching me from behind. At least I manage to buck them before they get what’s going on.

Meanwhile, my nemesis wipes blood off his hoof and, judging by his eyes, smirks under the mask. I met him only a few seconds ago and I already want to kill the guy. I stand on slightly bent legs, waiting for him to make the first move.

“A little help here?” Daring yells. Three ninjas hold her legs as she struggles to keep herself in the air.

My ninja only waits for that moment. He jumps into the air, aiming at my head. I only manage to tilt it slightly, causing his hoof to land on my shoulder, knocking the air out of me. I rush blindly, not waiting till he touches the ground. We both roll on the ground, while he tries to kick me. I smack him – nothing, still kicking. While he’s above me, my hind leg manages to find his balls – no sell. Is he a fucking cyborg?

As my dad says, when fighting dirty doesn’t work, fight dirtier. I grab the guy’s mask and pull it over his eyes. I’m immediately rewarded with a hoof to my nose, causing my vision to blur. I kick him off of me and roll on him.

“Minuette!” Hexie yells. I turn my head to her and see a bottle flying towards me. I grab it with my magic and, without losing momentum, I break it on the ninja’s head. Then I hold its remains close to his throat while choking him.

“Make a move,” I hiss, “and I’ll rip your trachea out...”

In one swift motion, he slides from under me, producing a long knife with sculpted blade from under his clothes. I start contemplating slow death from having my guts spilled on the ground, when something heavy falls on the ninja’s head.

“You good, auntie?” Ruby asks, smirking and poking the unconscious ninja. You know, there’s a limited amount of hits to the head you can take, and a filly jumping on you from an upper wing of a biplane is quite a lot, even from a guy who shrugs off a kick to the balls.

“Yeah.” I look around. Behind me, Inkie and Daring kick the crap out of the last of the ninjas who managed to grab Daring. The other two seem pretty unconscious to me. Hexie fights with two ninjas, while Vinyl and Lyra watch everything from the safe distance, occasionally throwing rocks and spells at ninjas.

“Stay in the plane,” I say to Ruby. “I’m gonna help Hexie.”

“Okay.” Ruby rolls her eyes. I levitate her to the plane’s door and run to my mechanic.

Hexie is standing in front of the ninjas, staggering slightly. When they run at her, she leans forward, as if she was going to fall down, but then she suddenly turns and slams her hind legs into the left guy’s side with a terrible sound of cracking ribs. Hexie then rolls on the ground, getting back on her hooves right in time to face the second ninja.

“Ready to die, you bastard!” the ninja shouts, reaching to some hidden pocket in his robe. I know what that move means so I ram into him just as he throws a shuriken at Hexie.

Hexie hisses, when the star pierces her hoof. She pulls it out with her teeth and looks at the ninja, who gets from the ground and backpedals, seeing the two of us.

“I was trying to be kind,” Hexie mutters, watching a small shuriken wound. “Even when that unconscious pierdolec tried the Quivering Hoof Technique on me... But now, I feel like testing the Quivering Hammer Technique on you...”

The ninja is apparently in the process of rethinking his life goals. After a few tense seconds, he decides to turn back and run away. As he’s running, I hear a snap. The ninja trips, rubs his butt and continues to run, limping, until he disappears between buildings.

“Hey, I got him!” Ruby exclaims, standing in the door of the plane and waving her BB gun.

“Ruby!” I yell.

“What? I was in the plane, like you told me.”

Lyra and Vinyl walk to us, watching the battlefield and nodding. Vinyl levitates the knife I almost got skewered with and smirks. “We shouldn’t have talked about ninjas,” she says. “We summoned them.”

“That, or Ahuizotl is spying on us,” Daring Do mutters, wrapping a bandage around her hoof.

“What were ninjas doing in Mexicolt?” I ask.

“Don’t ask me.” Hexie shrugs. “I was trying to get drunk and pass out when those guys appeared. I just showed them some of my best moves.”

“What if there are ninjas in every country and we only know about the Neighponese ones because they suck?” Ruby asks.

“We may think about it on our way to Maneaus,” I say, pointing at the unconscious ninjas. “We’d better refuel and get out of here before someone starts to question that.”

Daring Do nods and we walk to the alpacas to get the fuel.

Author's Notes:

Translation:

¡Métetelo por el culo! - I kindly suggest that you put your business in your rump.

La Matanza - A place where, according to an Iron Maiden song, you should bring your daughter.

¡Señorita! ¿Cerveza? - Do you want to buy a beer, madam?

Besa mi culo, puto. - Would you be so kind to plant a kiss on my hindquarters, person of questionable morals?

Pierdolec – a Polish way of referring to someone whose mental abilities may be doubtful. Actually rarely used in that context.

Me cago en la leche de tu puta madre! - I put the products of my metabolism in the milk of your mother, who wasn't the purest person in the world.