I kept on pedaling through the path. Amber held onto my back as we zipped through the dirt path just outside of Canterlot commons. "So you sure they'll be here?"

"Well, we were staying close. And this was the easiest place to get directi--"

I spotted a deer as it headed out of the bushes along the path. "Holy fuck--" I veered off the path and onto the grass. The bike wobbled under me but I managed to stop it before I could go ass over elbows. "Fuck! See!" I looked back at Amber, the doe shook slightly as she hopped down off my back. "This is why I called you a fucking idiot! Again!" I got off my bike and kicked it away. "You can't go out on the path like that!"

Amber shook herself hard. She tossed a few sparks into the snowy grass along the path through the mountain town's outskirts. "Okay, that's way more terrifying when you're going that fast!"

"Duuuh-uuuh." I slapped my hand against my chest. "Oh my god...you just come out of the bushes like Solid Snake!"

Amber caught her breath and rubbed her chest. "Why were you going so fast!?"

"Because it's a bike! On a bike path!" I pointed to the cleared out dirt, well raked and cleared of snow by a pony with a plow on his mike, going by a few yards ahead of us. "There's a walking path right there!" I pointed down the soft slope to a paved path maybe ten feet from the bike trail. "You can't do that! This is why the ponies don't like you! You're road hazards!"

Amber puffed her cheeks out. "We can't ride bikes!" She started speaking in Finnish, or whatever she called it. She held up a hoof and stretched her toes. "See these!? These aren't made for those pedal thingies!"

"Well don't start yelling at me like some pissed off drunk because you guys can't stop getting in front of bikes!" I pulled my hair back and looked over at the small herd that was coming out of the bushes. "Jesus...seriously, this is why I got mad the first time." I picked my bike up and turned to face the deer coming out of the bushes. "You can't keep doing that! Just walk on the normal path! It's not that big a deal!"

The deer spotted me and started walking over. Six or so all rather young compared to the full herd that Amber had dropped out of. One of Amber's brothers shook his head and started walking over. "Well, it is apparently a big enough deal you cry about it."

"It's." I corrected, they already knew who I was. "And I meant walking on the walking path. It's really easy. Just stay out of the fucking woods." I rubbed my arm and rolled my bike over to them. They were about the same color as Amber, either shades of reddish brown, pale light brown, or red washed out with white. The bucks had no mane, the doe had shorter antlers.

Amber walked past me and bopped the first buck on the nose. "Morning Argus."

The apparent Argus bopped her back. "Morning Amber."

"Great, Finn meet and greet, now can we go home?" I rolled past them, taking in the herd. Eight in total, three bucks, six doe including Amber, and one big ass caravan two bucks were pulling out of the woods. "Okay, stop--stop, stop stopstop!" I put my hand out towards the pair, but they rammed straight into the treeline and got yanked back by the caravan harness. "Oh my god, you can't just run over trees! Where are you from that you can do that?!" I slapped myself across the forehead and groaned. "Seriously...this is why Equestrians don't like you!"

A small group of ponies, either out biking or walking started gathering up around us. Most were wearing scarves or something to keep warm, but the few faces I could see were locked in complete disbelief or confusion. A dull grey unicorn walked over to me and looked me up and down. "...Ya got deer."

I took a deep breath and nodded. "Yeah...."

He laughed. "They tried to pull it through the trees?"

I nodded again. "Yep...."

The grey coat laughed louder. "Oh man, they're dumb as heck. You want me to go tell the guard, they can bring a chainsaw out here and help you out?"

I took a deep breath and watched as the deer tried to figure out how to pull their caravan through the tiny crack in the treeline. "Yeah...."

The grey mane started snickering and wandered off. "I'll go find a guard station, b r b nerd."

I grimaced hard. "Wow...what a prick." I huffed and watched as my girlfriend and her family failed to navigate a ten foot wide caravan through a yard long slit in the treeline. "Oh my god...come on!" I started to walk over. "It's not going to happen! Just wait!"

The deer tried to push the trees aside. Amber and Argus turned to me, both bickering at eachother before turning it to me. "These trees are terrible, they don't bend." Argus turned around, his tail straight upwards. "A coverage tree should bend--"

"It's not a fucking sapling!" I held my arms out. "I swear, I don't understand where you're from that you think this would work!"

Amber took a deep breath and rubbed her head with her hoof. "Home is a lot of ice plains, taiga, and the few forests there are, are vast and have a lot of space between the trees. And he's right, you should be able to force your way through the path here--"

"It's a hiking trail, not a fucking highway!" I closed my arms around my chest. "Oh my god, how?! How did-- why, why did you come down here if you were just going to fucking-- Ah!" I yelped and let my voice crack. "Fuh-hu-hu-huck!" I shook my head and kicked my bike over. "This spot is satan! This spot sucks all the cocks!"

Amber scratched the ground. "You know we're trying our best to--"

"Just stop pulling the-- sled...that's a sled." I grabbed my head as I spotted the bright metal tracks jutting out of the bottom of the caravan, it's not even rolling, it's just a sled." I sat down in the snow, my ass grew wet and cold as I did. "Amber, I love you baby. But you deer are fucking idiots."

Argus huffed and snapped around to face me. "You come to the Tsardom, see how long you last before someone calls you stupid!"

"Point taken-" I forced myself out of the snow. "-but this is bad! Why didn't you use a road!?"

Argus looked down the bike path. "The road that was big enough was paved. It would have damaged the sled."

"That's why you put wheels on it!" I held my arms out. "Wheel go turn, wheel doesn't scrape up the fucking cobblestone, wheel far superior to filthy sled track!"

A soft chime came from down the bike trail. A human guard on a bike slowly coasted over with a pegasus flying overhead. "Canterlot Royal Guard, what hap-- Oh, nice." The woman rolled to a stop and looked up and down the mobile home trapped in the treeline. "How'd you get it in there?"

I walked over and shrugged. "Look, they're new here, they're coming down a long way, and I have no idea. Can you help or not?"

The guard started laughing and pointed up. "Dewey brought a saw."

The pegasus that was flying overhead slowly fluttered down and back against the earth. He had a large Dewalt chainsaw strapped to his back. "So...I didn't think it would be this. I thought it would be like...a log on the path or something." The pegasus started laughing and pulled the chainsaw off his back. "Monica, you got this?"

The human guard dismounted her bike and went over. "Yeah. Next time bring Swirl, he can do this on his own." She grabbed the saw and started trying to figure out how to cut the caravan free.

I stood next to Amber and Argus. We all watched as the guard cut a hole in the treeline to let them pull it through. Amber looked up at me, eyes wide and a bit watery. "We're not good at Canterlot...I told you."

I rubbed my face. "Yeah...you're not." The caravan lurched forward and was out onto the open area between the bike path and the walking trail. "Really not good." I looked at the beast of a cart. "You're gonna park that in my lawn, aren't you?"

Argus scratched his head. "You have land? I thought you were poor."

"Well fuck you too." I looked around again. "...Someone stole my bike...." I dropped to my knees and grabbed my face. "Whhhhhy!?"