I awoke with Rarity snuggled up on my chest for warmth in my oddly chilly house. I hadn’t noticed much before, but it always seemed to be just slightly warmer than it was outside, but I attributed that to pony magic being retarded and them not coming up with a proper thermostat. There was probably one somewhere since I’d noticed an odd thing on the wall, but I didn’t know how to set it since it was wonky. In any case, no matter how bullshit my climate control was, I still had the ever beautiful Rarity to look at for a while and keep me cozy for however long she slept. I wondered if I could convince her to begin her morning routine with a shower including yours truly, but for now, she would be my cuddle buddy and by no means was I upset with that.

I played with her mane, tickled her nose, scratched behind her ear and tickled her side in turns, careful not to wake her up before she had her ‘beauty sleep’. She had told me about her usual facial mask last night but had left it off in favor of napping with me. I’m sure she had it in the oversized suitcase that she brought along with her for all of a single goddamn night. Since I had woken up before sunrise, I was pretty sure that Rarity wouldn’t be far behind me, but she proved me wrong. The clock in my living room told me it was quickly approaching six-thirty, making me think about her little sister. I felt terrible about stealing her big sister away from her, especially if Rarity was her primary caregiver like I thought. I didn’t know how old her sister was, but if she was younger than Spike, then I was pretty sure that the girl could use a little love from her sister in the morning by way of a competent chef. There was also the fact that I felt like I was past the worst of my troubles and was ready to be left alone for the most part, though it was partially because I didn’t want the company any more. I felt alright after talking to Celestia, even if it was a wake up call that I needed to face more than I really wanted to. We were awful for each other, but at least I knew that now.

It made me think about my relationship with with Celestia, but I found that the more I thought about it, the unhappier I was. As a result I thought more of Rarity and Applejack as the big sisters they were and found myself thinking that I wouldn’t have minded growing up with Applejack as my older sibling, even if she was a bit punchy sometimes. It would’ve been nice to have someone as loyal as her in my family, and I could even see Big Macintosh as a sort of big brother in a light, but my desire for familial connections wasn’t as strong as my desire to get Applejack back in my bed, so I stopped trying to wonder what being a part of her family was like since it was weird at that point. As an only child, I had always hoped to have a sibling of some sort one day and had found a brother in Max.

Of course, even if he was still amongst the living, there was no way I would ever see him again unless I somehow got booted out of this magical world. That was an unsettling, unhappy thought I tried to push out of my head. Disquietude hit me in my heart and I felt torn for no real reason. If Max was still alive, would I leave my life in Equestria for him? I had seen a good bit of heartbreak since I had been here, but I was happier than I had ever been in England even if I was spending plenty of time fucking up and trying to pick up the pieces of my sanity that were breaking off from the whole. I was doing the waffle, my heart wavering between whether I would stay or go. The more I pondered it, the more ludicrous returning seemed. Yes, I had an unspoken oath of everlasting loyalty to Max, but even as I loved him, I loved Celestia and the fact that I actually had friends besides the one I’d had in him was all too attractive a prospect.

If I could, I’d bring him here and show him a new life, a new way of living rather than the squalor and constant prowling for our next meal. Equestria was different and the lifestyle so dissimilar from looking for that next succulent hit of adrenaline from doing a job well. My retrospection made me consider just how fucked up I had been when I got here, regardless of how I treated the Ponies that didn’t give me the slightest reason to snap at them. Yeah, I had a few that were all too happy to piss me off and play victim later, but even then I kind of regretted retaliating to a point. Maybe it was just me changing, but... Hell, when I looked back upon myself now, I thought of how comparatively calm I had become, despite my increased libido. I had some new morals that I could abide by, and new friends to help me stick with them. Some of those friends were even a bit more and were looking for something other than normal friendship from me. It was nice, but at the same time, I found it a touch confusing?

I mean, how odd is it that I’ve had cuddled or had sex with four of my six Ponyville friends?

I was pretty sure that Rainbow was bisexual leaning hard into the lesbian side while Pinkie… No. No. If I was a pedophile or a lolicon, then maybe. But stroke either of those, she was never going to make it on my list, and nor was the rather similarly built, slightly taller Rainbow Dash going to make it on my Fuck-It list either. If they weren’t both a good twenty to thirty centimeters shorter than me and built like tweenagers, Rainbow was too arrogant for me since I’m the cockiest cock that’s ever walked, and Pinkie? Pinkie’s straight up crazy, has no respect for boundaries, and I really just couldn’t see myself sleeping with her on purpose. Maybe if I was drunk and she basically date-raped me then yeah, we could go through with the act, but I was more attracted to Applejack and Shylight- Er, Fluttershy than Pinkie per se. The nude hug was definitely more for her than for me, and I couldn’t even say that I was a sixth of the way to being ‘turned’ on. It was more or less the only bargaining chip I had if I didn’t want her to prance about town in her birthday suit. No, I most definitely did not put her above doing that. You just never know with her, and that’s a part of the reason I couldn’t see myself with her. Pinkie’s weird in ways I don’t get and don’t want to deal with. My stomach churned as I pictured Pinkie naked and I held onto Rarity and all of her curves. I really wanted to keep that image out of my mind. I focused instead on picturing Applejack naked. Then I moved onto stroking Rarity’s mane because she was soft and cuddlesome, enjoying the feeling of her silky, well-looked-after mane as I took my time in getting anywhere near aroused. Something else arose in the morning and woke Rarity up.

Rarity yawned and stretched outward instead of upward, thankfully and dear God was her morning breath fuck mothering rank. I jammed my tongue into the roof of my mouth and tried to stop my body from seizing up as my poor nose tried to process the absolute filth purée that entered it. I was doing a lot in a small span of time to avoid gagging, but I’d never remembered her breath being so fucking bad. It was everything I could do to avoid gagging. Just because she had chronic halitosis didn’t mean I didn’t like her; it meant that I would be the big spoon forever and she would never face me if we woke up in the same bed. I had the fleeting ponderance of whether her dominant side would allow that to be the case often. I shivered in light of the thought, though I pretended that I was just chilly.

Good morning, darling.” Rarity said sweetly, her breath going on a killing spree.

“Morning, Bonny. How’d you sleep?”

“Fantastically. I must say, sleeping on you isn’t as cozy as my bed, but it does have its perks.” She shifted, pressing down on my morning wood. “Perky perks, a mare might say~”

I chuckled at that. “I’m sure it does. Having you sleep on me is rather nice. I get to wake up to something lovely first thing in the morning.” And nearly get ill in the same span of time.

She nuzzled my chest and hummed. I relaxed and savored the moment, especially she had stopped breathing in my face. That was one of the best feelings in the world, other than sappy bullshit I suppose. I stroked her mane some more since she hadn’t allowed me to do it much last night for fear of messing it up,. It was nice, but I noticed that her mane was marvelously thick and voluminous in addition to the silky smooth texture. The woman knew how to treat her hair, obviously. If I gave a damn about mine, she’d probably be the one I asked. I briefly ran a hand through my own wavy curls and felt that it strangely resembled hers in a certain way. When I had lived in England, my hair had always been a bit of a thin, shitty mess, but now it was thicker and less oily. I wondered what the hell they put in Pony shampoos to do that, but it’s not like I was all that curious. However, I mentioned it to her for the sake of conversation since I was a little hungry for socialization and she started telling me about some stuff she thought would be better for me than the stuff I used. Of course, she also had a conditioner to go along with her suggestions and I realized that I already had one, unlike my life on Earth previously, so perhaps that was the cause of my hair being nicer than usual.

My follicle related thoughts were interrupted by Rarity crushing my unfortunate fellow as she got up. In spite of her general softness in comparison to Applejack, the orange mare was well aware that she was heavier than I by far while Rarity either forgot or ignored that fact. I decided not to comment on my discomfort and stood up myself, stretching and popping like an old man. After I’d stolen her seat last night, we hadn’t really moved much so I was plenty sore when I finally got on my feet. I staggered off to the loo, morning wood gone after its trauma. My hopes for getting the first shower were dashed when I saw Rarity digging in her suitcase in the guest room, but I didn’t particularly mind and was able to get my morning ritual out of the way. I figured that a few dozen push-ups wouldn’t hurt too much and found myself able to do plenty before working up a real sweat. I added some crunches and had a good time with it, making sure to note that I had done enough to get a good ache going, finding myself fond of the pain in a certain frame of mind.

After I’d picked out my outfit for the day and was about to hop into the lavatory once more since Rarity was evidently waiting for something, I found her staring into the mirror, pale-faced and half-naked. It wasn’t that she could get any paler than white, mind you, but she had removed all of her makeup and I saw her in her native state for the first time. Her beauty took my breath away. Without the blush, the natural gradients of her fur shone uniquely, giving her face the effect of being lit up. Minus the mascara and eyeshadow that made her eyes look larger, she seemed more human, more approachable. Gone was the lip stain that had given her mouth a rosy tint, replaced by naturally full, kissable lips. It was clear to me that her makeup made her less attractive, unlike with Applejack and Fluttershy who could apply a little and come out looking even more stunning than they already were. Yes, I preferred them when they just let nature and hygiene take over, letting them just be naturally attractive, but I could admit that they looked a little cuter with some toxic crap on their face. However, Rarity was a sight to behold and I found myself staring after a few moments.

Rarity’s head whipped in my direction and my words failed me. I crossed myself, despite not being a religious man at the look on her face, which was not unlike that of an angel incensed by the sins of man. “GET OUT!”

“... Wait, it’s my house!”

“Maximus!”

I crossed my arms and gave her a look, making the anger on her face abate a little. “Oi, don’t use that tone with me. Hurry the fuck up.” I

I closed the door and looked down. Rarity might have been a heavy little thing, but the damage to the sausage had been repaired and now I was wondering if I could get her to do the coitus after she got the crap off of her face. If I could draw worth a damn, I would spend years trying to recreate what I had seen so I could include it in my journals. I’m leaving a page or two blank in the folder of this just so I can try later, having seen my muse for the first and quite possibly the last time. Mindlessly, I wandered into my living room and paced around for a bit. Yes, I knew that Rarity would probably be furious with me for a while but I couldn’t help but believe to the fullest extent that her anger was worth it, even if she hadn’t shoved me or anything. The fact that she even bothered to wear makeup kind of annoyed me since she was trying to look like she was playing up her beauty while already having it in spades. I’m sure I’ve gone on far too long about her magnificent appearance without all that nonsense on her face, but it was truly a sight to behold, one that you could only understand if you saw it for yourself.

I waited for an hour before I tried talking to her through my bathroom door, mostly because I’d gotten through a good portion of my coffee and was starting on another pot. As a man, I could just pee outside, but that’s uncivilized. In any case, the shower had stopped and I softly knocked twice. “Rarity? Bonny?”

Silence.

“I really hope you didn’t teleport out, that would be rather rude.”

I heard the impact of something small and glassy against the wood.

“So you are in there… Is there anything I can do to get you to come out?”

“Wait,” She called.

“Goddammit, woman, stop hogging my bathroom!”

“Go wait!”

“I’m currently waiting! I don’t need to go anywhere to wait, I can-”

“Oh my gosh-”

“Oh, cram it, I’m going, alright?” I went back into the living room.

Fifteen minutes later, Rarity came back out, dolled up as usual. I couldn’t help but feel disappointed. After she cleared her throat in a manner most ladylike, she said, “I do hope you’ll forgive my outburst. A gentlecolt should not see a lady unprepared.”

“Uh-huh, yeah, whatever.” She gave me a look and I rolled my eyes. “Anyway, I probably won’t forget what you look like without the makeup anytime soon. I-”

She cringed visibly. “I rather wish you would, Max...”

I stared at her wide-eyed. “Are you serious? Woman, do you even realize how naturally beautiful you are? It’s like you use what you do to look less appealing.”

Rarity averted her gaze and hugged herself. “... I know.”

There's a story here. Obviously a painful one. “Can I ask about what happened?”

“I would prefer that you not.”

“Then I’ll leave it there.” Something that should have been obvious popped into my head. “Why are you wearing the same clothes? You brought a massive suitcase with you, but not something else to wear?” I said with what I hoped was a disarming smile.

Rarity looked down at herself casually and did a double-take. “Oh drat! I forgot to change in my haste!”

“You call an hour and a quarter haste?”

“Well if somepony didn’t upset me so much, I could have cut the time in half.” She sniffed unconvincingly.

“When I walked in, you were staring at yourself in the mirror. Not exactly making haste”

Rarity gave me a haughty look. “You talk too much.”

“Of course I do. Just get on with it so I can take my shower, that is, if you’re not going to invite me in with you so we can save some water.”

“You are truly incorrigible, Max. Perhaps if I had some water-resistant eyeliner, I would consider it further.”

I rolled my eyes. “God forbid I see you without makeup again. I don’t think my poor heart could bear the sight.”

“It’s not your heart I’m worried about. Please just let it be.”

“I am, I’m just taking the piss, Bonny. No need to worry, but there is a need to hurry. If anything, then just change in the guest room so I can go and alleviate the consequences of coffee.”

She looked at the clothes she had in her hand and sighed. “I should’ve known that I was in the wrong clothes. I’ll be done shortly, but I know you’ll take your own time in the shower.”

“No, I’ll be getting everything done in less than thirty minutes because I’m a fucking man and men don’t need an hour to shower.”

“Oh, hush.” She rolled her eyes with a little smile.

Rarity grabbed her suitcase and took it into my guest room leaving me to wonder just where my favorite wolf went. She was getting fond of disappearing when I wasn’t in emotional distress, though when she did take off, I usually found something that hit me in my heart’s soft bits. I thought about that for a bit and wondered what I would face this time unless the incident with Rarity from earlier was the event. If that was all, I could happily deal with it, seeing as how it was more of a plus than anything negative to me. Speaking of Rarity, I wondered why she hadn’t been acting like Twilight or Fluttershy since she was supposed to be in estrus. In fact, I had been in the house with her for some time and hadn’t even noticed a smell other than her perfume, excluding pre-existing odors that I had helped cause. It was a curious thing that I pondered when I finally got to sit down on the throne and assumed The Thinker.

The sun was getting up in the sky when I came out of the bathroom, but I was only taking so much time because I needed to shave and my straight razor was honestly getting a little on the dull side. I needed a strop for it some time, but a whetstone would have to do. I felt better for my shower, my hair felt pretty smooth, and Rarity was looking pretty pleased with herself in the violet blouse and black leggings she was wearing. She certainly knew how to dress, and leaving a decent amount of cleavage out for the purpose of being a little sexy didn’t bother me at all. I suppose the curative powers of a shower and a change of clothes can solve a good many problems. After a quick glance at her outfit for the day, I wondered if she was going to wear a jacket or something along with it since there seemed to be frost on the ground, but it was a little hard to see from inside. I thought for a moment and wondered if she had indeed made a jacket to go with the outfit, certain that she probably had since it was just the type of mare she seemed to be. Rarity had good taste, and when I greeted her, she seemed to be lost in the book she brought along with her. It was ‘The Tried and True’, which was a book Twilight had read and recommended to me. Good tastes indeed.

I got her attention with, “Bonny, is the book that good?”

She started before slipping a bookmark into her current page, smiling at me. “Sorry, it’s just been a very good re- Good read…”

I was wondering why she was staring at me for a moment before I saw Applejack look around the corner of the hall I was still standing in and saw that Pinkie and Rainbow were peeking at me too. Apparently me being shirtless was sexy, so I threw it on and gave them looks for their wolf-whistles, rolling my eyes. “Wotcher, all. What bring you over?”

“We were just thinkin’ about spendin’ the day with ya. Pinkie said you had somethin’ for Twilight that you never got a chance to give her.” Applejack explained, giving me a devilish smile. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say it was a kiss.

Pinkie giggled. “No, silly! We have a prank for Twilight that doesn’t involve doing anything to her! Well, other than embarrassing her a little.” Her grin grew devious..

I returned it with my own. “I still have the book. Let’s say we go and give it to her now, yeah?”

Rarity looked between me and Pinkie. “What sort of book do you have that would constitute as any sort of prank?”

“One moment, I’ll go grab it.” I headed off into my room, dressed, and nabbed it from its hiding place. When I returned, I said, “Give it a brief read-through. I think you’ll find it enticing.” I tossed it to Rarity, the latch keeping it closed.

She cracked it open, looking at it skeptically. “... It’s blank. You do know that it’s blank, yes?”

“Cast a revealing spell on it!” Pinkie exclaimed. Applejack and Rainbow crowded around Rarity on the couch to get a look.

Rarity’s horn lit up and she began reading. I found it to be quite the oddity that all three of them took an awfully long time to begin blushing, and even then it was simultaneous. That led me to believe that they were either slow readers or had quite the dirty minds in the first place. Then again, it took a considerable amount of time for them to even flip the page, but when they did, Applejack started touching her face, one of Rarity’s hands when to her bosom, and Rainbow was grinning like a madwoman for the oddest of reasons.

“Which part are you girls at?” I asked after two minutes, looking up at the clock.

“Shh!” Perfectly in unison. They were enraptured by what I had written in all the wrong ways. I was hoping that it would be too cheesy to really enjoy, but I was starting to think that I had basically just written a decent harlequin romance novel. I traded a look with Pinkie who just shrugged, appearing to be just as confused as I was.

“Can you horny tarts put the book down and grab a cold shower? Preferably one that doesn’t involve a handheld shower-head?

Rarity looked up at me with her face bright red. “Just who wrote this part, Max?” She looked over to Pinkie. “I don’t mean to offend, but it doesn’t seem like something either of you could craft.”

“That’s some… Nice work. Very nice.” Rainbows wings were standing at half-mast, twitching occasionally.

“Max wrote the first part,” Pinkie answered slowly.

“Pinkie wrote the latter half. What the hell is wrong with you three? That has to be the worst porn I’ve ever written!”

“I’m awfully tempted to keep this,” Applejack muttered. “I-I mean, just so it don’t spoil Twilight’s innocent eyes!” She added hastily.

“...I think I know what I’m going to do while I’m here.” A grin crept its way onto my face.

“I want to read it first!” Rarity exclaimed.

Rainbow looked salty. “Dude! So not fair!”

“Dibs on second!” Applejack grinned.

“Dude!”

“I don’t see what the big deal is. Max let me read it before I did my part and we both laughed.” Pinkie scratched her head.

“I guess we’re just the enlightened few. Hopefully Twilight is one too, or else we just gave her something to hide from Spike.”

Pinkie and I both chuckled at that, but Rarity seemed to hold the book a little closer to her bosom. “Perhaps you could allow us to… proofread it before you give it to Twilight?”

“Perhaps you could ask to borrow it from her sometime. I already forgot about it once and I really don’t want to wait now. I’ll do some writing when I get back and let you read that if it makes you feel any better.” Rarity and Applejack beamed while Rainbow continued looking salty.

Our happy little troupe walked over to Twilight’s, though I was pretty sure that they just wanted to do something. There’s really nothing to do in Ponyville if you’re not reading, shagging, or hanging with your friends, so I lagged behind a bit, trying not to rush the day. Pinkie and Rainbow tried to egg me on to go faster, though they calmed down once I asked them about what we were going to do after we pranked Twilight.

It was hard for them to come up with something that Rarity and Applejack wanted to do as well, so I suggested that we go for drinks at a bar or something and Rarity made it clear that she wasn’t fond of the idea, though she would like to go for the karaoke later in the night. Applejack just grimaced and asked if she was going to have to take part and I answered for her, saying that no one was going to be forced to pipe up for the sake of some fun. It seemed like a nice thing, but then Rainbow suggested that we just have a sleepover and the other three gals in my party kind of just looked at me and I was more or less unimpressed, saying that I would skip it. It was one thing to hang out with girls all damn day all the time, but we were all fucking adults and I wasn’t expecting the sleepover to be terribly mature. Applejack said that I could come over anyway, but I wasn’t too keen on it since I’m a guy and generally would’ve felt… Out of place, I guess. Unless they were planning a surprise orgy, I saw no point in going, and even then I didn’t want to get into that kind of trouble. Again. Long story, long night.

Spike answered the door with a weary look on his face and a haggard droop to his shoulders. Rarity gushed over him and brought him close to her chest and asked the poor fellow just why he looked so worn out. Applejack and Pinkie followed suit, but Rainbow and I waited until they shut the hell up to get to the bottom of it. I felt kinda bad for the guy since they weren’t really giving him a chance to talk.

I eventually got tired of their shit and asked for myself, knowing that they were just making a muck of things. “Will you guys shut up? Ask a guy a million questions and he’ll never have the time to answer one. What’s up, Spike?”

“Twilight’s been going crazy, dude. She thinks, for some weird reason, that she isn’t going to be able to send Princess Celestia a friendship report this week and is flipping out about it.”

“I’ll handle it, little man. Mind if we come in?”

“If you can get her to calm down, then I’ll make you something tasty or whatever as a thanks.” He sighed and enjoyed the Rarihug. He didn’t bother breaking free from Rarity’s squishy grasp as we walked in, and I frankly couldn’t blame the guy.

I kinda felt bad about being able to ask her for sex and probably get a yes when he was so head over heels for her, so I made it a top priority never to mention that to him. Yeah, I’m a prick, but not a petty, hurtful prick. I told the girls to bugger off so I could talk to Twilight alone for a bit, and they reluctantly did so. She was in the actual library part of the Treebrary, sorting books with a frantic look on her face. The woman’s hair was a mess, her shirt unevenly buttoned and her skirt only half-zipped on the side. It was enough to make me think twice about having no back up while talking to her, but I figured I had to be the one.

“Oi, Twilight, you got a minute?”

“Max!” Her eyes lit up when she saw me, but it wasn’t a pleasant light. More like the look in Pinkie’s own eyes most days. “Could you help me with something?”

“I can. What do you need?”

“I have to write Celestia a letter and-”

“Let’s just stop it right there. I have a topic for you; the value of keeping a cool head in a stressful situation, specifically when you’re wearing out your assistant and worrying your friends.”

The books around her dropped and she lifted a finger to her mouth. “... You know, that actually sounds like a good topic.”

“No shit? I kinda just pulled it out of my arse, but that’s how a lot of great ideas are made.”

“I’m not sure if that’s true, but I guess it doesn’t really matter. I’ve got to get writing! Where’s Spike? I need him to take note.”

“Take it yourself, love. You’ll save time like that.”

Twilight blushed. “I would, but my handwriting isn’t as good as Spike’s.”

“I’m sure Celly will understand, especially if you’re her student. She has to at least have a passing understanding of your penmanship.”

“... She asked me to have Spike take notes I was going to send to her.”

“Ooo. Yeah, that’s bad. Tell you what; I’ll do it. Just get me a pen and some paper.” She rushed off to grab the necessary materials and I followed her at a far more sedate pace, passing the main parlor on my way. The girls were staring off after where Twilight had evidently gone. “She’ll be right as rain in a mo’. I gave her something to write about.” I announced

“What was it?” Spike asked.

I looked at him and then to Rarity. “The value of loving someone.”

Okay, prick move, but it was funny!

They both blushed, but Rainbow and Pinkie looked confused. Applejack held back some giggles. “W-W-Well, Max, I’m honored, but I thought our agreement-”

“Who said I loved you? I just said it was the value of loving someone, nothing more.” I gave Spike a devious grin.

He looked rather panicked, staring wide-eyed at me. “Don’t tell me you’re in love with Twilight!”

“What? No, that’s not what I meant. Hell, I’m dating her teacher, little bruv. That would be awfully awkward.”

“You’re dating Princess Celestia!?” Rainbow and Pinkie chorused.

“Dude, no way!” Spike added.

“Yeah, I’m dating Celestia. What about it?”

“She’s the Princess!” Rainbow cried.

I looked at her like she was retarded. “She’s a Princess. Did you forget about Luna?”

Rainbow glared. “You know what I meant! How did you manage to bag a Princess?”

“Wit, charm, and more flirting than I had any reason to do with her.”

“That doesn’t make any sense. How do you flirt with a princess? Especially Princess Celestia!”

“You talk to her like a normal woman, duh. You girls act like it’s a personal offense for me to be in a relationship with your ruler.”

“It ain’t that, it’s just surprisin’. Most ponies think the Princess is celibate or that she just keeps it on the down-low.” Applejack explained

“She’s not celibate, but she does like to keep things to herself, so if you girls could please keep this information in our little circle that would be great. That means you too, Spike.”

“Hey! I can keep a secret!” He protested.

“I‘m sure you can, which is why I asked in the first place. Gosh, Spike, you sure can be thick sometimes.”

He gave me a bewildered look, but before anyone could explain, Twilight tapped me on the shoulder and handed me the supplies. “Okay, here are the supplies, so Max, take note!” She waited for me to get ready and said, “Dear Celestia, Today I learned that it’s important to take time and relax, especially when you’re coming to the end of a deadline. I had worried so much about whether I would be able to send you a report when Max of all ponies gave me something to write about! I also learned from him that you shouldn’t judge somepony by the way they act and speak, but by the content of their charac- Ow!” I’d pinched her for being mean.

“Do you talk this much shit about me often, or is it just because I tried to be nice? Because I can be mean again.”

Twilight blushed. “I wasn’t doing that!”

Rarity inspected her nails “You rather were, darling. It’s not inaccurate, however.”

I shot her a glare. “Mean Max might make a mess of your mane.”

She rolled her eyes. “Mhm.”

Twilight coughed to get my attention. “As I was saying: the content of their character. I know you shouldn’t really judge a pony in any case, but I find that it’s inevitable in life, so I will resolve myself to do it based on the best aspects of that pony. Max told me that I should try and maintain a ‘cool head’ and try not to worry my friends, which is ironic coming from him, but I- Ow! Stop doing that!” She rubbed her arm where I had pinched her in the exact same spot.

“Stop making me sound like an ass! Celestia already knows that part of me rather well.”

Twilight grumbled and shot me a dirty look. “In conclusion, your partner is a buttface, even if he has a few good points. Sincerely, your student, Twilight Sparkle”

I changed the last bit a little but handed the page off to Spike before Twilight could proofread it. He handed it back to her with a confused look on his face and I shook my head at him. Twilight made quick work of the document until she got to the conclusion. “...In conclusion, Max is the best and I can’t wait to have a proper turn with him when you think I’m ready. Sincerely yours, Twatlip Spankle?” She looked at me and I grinned. “How did you misspell my name so badly?”

“He didn’t misspell it,” Rainbow chuckled, “You just misread it!”

“How vulgar! Max, did you forget about Spike being here!?” Rarity accused.

“I figured if neither of them read it, it wouldn't be an issue.” I snatched the paper from Twilight and held it out to Spike. “If you would, my good sir.”

He shrugged and sent it off. I gave Twilight a shit-eating grin and she huffed.

“I don’t get what’s so funny, but I’m sure you wouldn’t send anything inappropriate to your lover.”

I kept grinning with Pinkie, Rainbow, and Applejack joining me. “Yup.”

“...You didn’t.” Twilight deadpanned.

“I may have. In fairness, I did sign my name at the bottom so she knows it was me.”

“Max!” She cried.

“Speaking of me, Pinkie and I found something while we were out and about, and wondered if you could make heads or tails of it.” I grabbed the book from Pinkie and handed it to her.

“Oh! It looks like a journal of some kind! Have you opened the lock yet?” Twilight’s eyes lit up and she seemed excited. “It looks pretty old! I can’t wait to see what’s inside!” Seriously? Just like that?

I handed the key off to her and shook my head. “It’s blank, but we doubted that it was just an old book. We had Rarity check it out for us, but there wasn’t really much that she could get from it either. Thus, you have an old blank book on your hands.”

“How exciting!” Twilight looked thrilled, completely ignoring the giggles from the peanut gallery. I spared them a quick glare and they straightened up for the most part. I swear Ponies are terrible at pranks.

“Let us know what you find, yeah? It’s been a bit of a bother, not knowing what’s in it. Can’t say I’m usually one for idle curiosity, but it’s definitely interesting.”

Twilight unlocked the book and cracked it open, her smile bright with scholarly intrigue. She cast a spell or two on it and started reading out loud. “Fleur de Bean’s log, day one, entry one. I have found myself at an impasse, my time coming to its peak as I hunt for a certain stallion, Husky Log. I have heard from many a mare that he is the one that can grant any wish, whether mundane or complex with frightening ease, and I hope that he will be able to sate my desires so that I may finally rest.”

“Huh, so it really is a journal. I wonder what Daffodil’s talking about?” I had to get her to keep reading, but I realized Spike was still there. Entry two was a doozy and I quickly wondered how much Twilight would hate me if she read that part out loud in front of her little brother.“Hey Spike, you wanna go grab that cupcake I owe you? I’m sure we can hear the rest of the story later.” I offered.

My redeemable side didn’t want to risk Spike’s innocence over a cheap laugh, even if I’d spent more on the prank than I normally would have. In any case, it would be a good way to get him out of the house. Kid needed more time with older guys anyway and I was glad to be one of the dudes in his life that he could actually talk to about certain things. Sure, he wasn’t really all that much younger than me, but the guy deserved a chance to hear some man stuff that I was sure Twilight either couldn’t or wouldn’t tell him.

Spike nodded. “Yeah, sounds pretty boring anyways. Plus there’s this new smoothie at Sugarcube Corner called ‘Frosted Cornfield’ that I’ve really wanted to try!” Rarity and Applejack’s eyes widened as they realized what I was doing, and Applejack shot me a thumbs up that I subtly returned.

I took Spike on the longest route to Sugarcube corner that I knew of and filled the time with some idle guy talk. Well, about as much guy talk as you can have with a fellow that’s probably not in the throes of puberty. “Oi, Spike, do you have a crush on anyone? Well, anyone besides Rarity?”

“Wh-What!? I don’t-” He saw the look I was giving him. “Yeah, you know… I guess there’s another filly, but… Her name is Sweeite Belle and she’s just…”

“You mean Rarity’s little sister?” I asked patiently.

“Yeah. I kinda have a crush on her too, but I don’t know what to do! Do I keep going after Rarity, or do I go after Sweetie Belle?”

“No one can really tell you what you should do, but I suggest going for Sweetie Belle since she’s not one of Twilight’s friends and she’s closer to your age.”

“I mean, it makes sense, but how do I tell Rarity that I want to go out with her sister? What if she never talks to me again!?”

“Mate, if she hasn’t addressed your crush yet, she either doesn’t know about it or she knows and just doesn’t want to talk about it. I can’t speak for Rarity, but women tend to prefer men around their own age, or at least the ones a little taller than them.”

“Low blow man.”

“Sorry, didn’t think about that one too hard, but you get what I’m saying right?”

“I do, it’s just that Rarity’s so beautiful…”

“Which she is well aware of. What else do you like about Rarity?”

“Well, she’s smart but not as smart as Twilight which is cool.”

“How’s that cool?”

“It means she isn’t like Twilight. I don’t really know how to put it without sounding like I’m trying to be mean.”

“Twilight’s neurotic, spastic, and a bit too brilliant for her own good?”

“I know what one of those means, and yeah. That’s the gist of it. Rarity’s also generous-”

“Eh.”

Spike’s head whipped to look at me. “Dude! She’s literally the Element of Generosity!”

“And yet she uses you to do a lot of her grunt work without paying you back other than with the occasional kiss on the cheek or a hug. I’m not criticizing her, just saying.”

“That sounds an awful lot like criticism, Max.”

“I just said it wasn’t, bugger off.” He gave me a flat glare and I rolled my eyes. “So what else is there? What really cinches it?”

“Well besides the way she dresses, her perfect manners, the way she styles her mane, how nice she is to me, I don’t really know if there’s one specific thing.”

“Besides the beauty?”

“That doesn’t hurt, but that’s not the only reason.”

“Of course not. What about Sweetie Belle? What do you like about her?”

“It’d be easier to list the things I don’t like, dude. She’s nice, cute, creative, good at singing; I could go on all day!”

“And one specific thing that you like most?”

“I guess it’d have to be how she never seems to stay in one place like I do. She’s always off doing something with Scootaloo and Apple Bloom, trying to get their Cutie Marks, and I really like that. She’s full of energy!”

“So she reminds you a bit of how you’d like to live your life? Never a dull moment, always something interesting to do?”

“Yeah! That’s a good way to put it.”

“I see a few problems with that. Tell you what, mate. Make a list of the pros and cons of Sweetie Belle and Rarity, and figure out which one has more pros for you. Pursue the winner and see what happens from there.”

“You make that sound really easy.”

“That’s because, in theory, it is. I made a mental one for Applejack when I was debating whether or not to start an agreement of sorts with her.”

“Wait, you’re going out with Applejack and Princess Celestia?”

“No, I’m just going out with Celly. Applejack and I aren’t necessarily going out, but we do some of the stuff that couples do.”

“So you guys like, kiss and cuddle and stuff?”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much it. Since she doesn’t have a boyfriend to keep her company when she wants something more than a friend, I take the place of said boyfriend and give her the affection she desires.”

“That sounds an awful lot like dating, dude.”

“It’s a difference you’d have to experience to really understand. The thing is, we don’t love each other, we just enjoy the cuddling and kissing bits.”

“So what about you? Don’t you get that from the Princess?”

“She’s awfully busy most of the time and mostly just comes around to talk. Plus Celestia’s bigger than me, so I kind of have to cuddle up to her and that’s a little embarrassing. At least Applejack’s a little shorter than me, even if she can throw me around like a sack of apples.”

“What about the other stuff Twilight tells everyone not to talk about around me?”

“If she tells everyone not to talk about it around you, it’s probably for good reason.”

“But I’m not a kid anymore! I don’t know why it has to be such a big secret!”

“How sure are you that you can keep a secret?”

Spike looked at me eagerly. “Very sure!”

“You better be, because if I catch flak from Twilight, I’ll shank you in a heartbeat.”

“...You’ll what?” I gave him a look. “Nevermind. Sounds bad.”

“It is. So Applejack and I are something called ‘Friends with Benefits.”

“Benefits like what?”

“Well, we do the couple stuff, but it’s mostly based around getting into the bedroom from time to time.”

“Does that mean sex?”

“It does.”

“So you do sex with Applejack but you guys aren’t dating?”

“We are not. We’re just friends as the name implies, with a few conditions that don’t really matter.” I thought for a second. “If you ask someone to be like that with you at your age, I will tell Twilight and she’ll probably ground you.”

“Well, I was going to ask Sweetie Belle, but now it sounds like a bad idea.”

“It is. Sex is something that’s worth waiting for, and once you have it, you’ll see it really isn’t as big a deal as it’s made out to be. Don’t be in a hurry to grow up, mate. When you grow up, life gets more complicated and it’s a pain in the arse to deal with all the time, especially when you start getting stressed out and it keeps piling on. If I could trade places with you age-wise, I probably would.”

“Well, thanks for that pep talk.”

“Any time. I won’t sugarcoat anything if you ask me not to. I’d rather not have to pick and choose my words around a young man who should really be learning about the world while he can before the stinky stuff hits the fan.”

“Thanks, I guess. So can I ask you something? Two things, actually.”

“You’ve just asked one, and you only have one more. Choose wisely.”

Spike glared at me. “You’re not as funny as you think you are, dude.”

“If that was true, I wouldn’t have any friends. What are your questions little bruv?”

“Why did we really leave the Treebrary?” I love that you call it that too.

“I wrote the book I gave Twilight and Pinkie did half of it too. It’s a prank that you shouldn’t have to witness since it’s a bit on the raunchy, sexual side.”

“But you just told me some adult stuff!”

“I know. I did that because I think you should know, but Twilight would hate me if you started asking questions about what you heard, which is why I asked you to keep what I said quiet. I did it more for Twilight and Rarity than you, mate.”

“How does Rarity play into that?”

“To be honest with you?” I sighed. “I’m pretty certain she thinks of you as a kid or a brother. Maybe a kid brother, but most definitely not as an ‘option’, if you catch my drift. If she did, she would’ve made a move on you by now since you’re a cute kid with a good heart. Hell, I’m pretty sure Twilight would have to tell most of our friends not to go after you.”

Spike was silent for a good while. We were nearly at Sugarcube Corner anyhow and it was a bit awkward buying him a cupcake he showed no interest in eating. I was fairly certain that I had just taken a jab at his heart, but I thought it was better that he learn ahead of time, rather than keep hoping that one day she would see him as anything but a boy. It felt terrible to watch him poke at the pastry with such a glum look, but my muffin was still warm and delicious. I waited a good ten or so minutes before I tried to speak to him again.

“You alright, Spike? I know it’s heavy, but it is what it is.” He focused on his cupcake.

“... How do you know that none of Twilight’s friends see me as an option?”

“I spend a lot of time around women and I know how a good few of them think if I get to know them as friends. It’s odd, but I kind of have an idea of what goes through there heads and it’s usually close to the nail or hits it on the head.”

“... So I really don’t have a hope with Rarity?”

“How old are you?”

“Fourteen? I thought you knew.”

“I never asked and no one ever told me. Isn’t Rarity close to twenty-five, though?”

“Twilight says some mares like young stallions…”

“Some mares are pedophiles, and if one of them is over four years older than you and tries to talk to you like they want you to come to their house for something sexual, I want you to tell me and I’ll make sure they understand why they’re wrong. You’re still a boy, Spike, or a colt. It shouldn’t be something you have to worry about, but if it becomes a problem for you, I’ve got your back. You might not even have to ask, just say something. If an adult is trying to get into your pants, then I’ll deal with them, or I’ll have Applejack help me browbeat them into submission.”

“So… I’m too young for sex?”

“Yeah, by a good few years.”

“And I should tell on someone if they try and do it with me?”

“Most definitely.”

“Okay…”

“Don’t sound disappointed, Spike. Sex isn’t something to miss, and if you can use your hands, then it’s practically just as good.”

“... Let’s just go home,” Spike’s face was red and he looked generally unamused, but he still slurped the rest of this smoothie and grabbed his cupcake.

“Alright, mate.”

We left quickly and took a much more direct route back home. I felt terrible for breaking the news to him, but he wasn’t going to make a move and I was pretty certain that Rarity was oblivious to his feelings. Spike was taking the news awfully hard and I couldn’t see a way to cheer him up at the moment, so we walked on and I tried talking to him about more guy stuff in general. He perked up a bit when I said that touching oneself was natural and he shouldn’t be ashamed of it, but warning him to do it in the privacy of his room was a must and he generally found it to be worthy of note. Other than that, we kind of fell silent and Spike didn’t have any questions for me when I asked, so we left it at that.

Arriving back at the Treebrary was a solemn event. The girls had gone, and took Twilight along with them, leaving me alone with a saddened dragon. “Spike… Is there anything I can do for you, bruv?”

“Can you answer one more question for me? Honestly?”

“... I can.” Now’s not the time for sarcasm, Kaid.

He looked at me. “Are you friends with benefits with Rarity too?”

“What gives you that idea?”

His face said that he knew what I was trying to do. “Just answer the question.”

“If you’re asking whether or not I’ve slept with her, the answer is no.”

“...You said you wouldn’t sugarcoat anything.”

“I’m not. I have not slept with Rarity, but if you want it straight, then yeah, she approached me about being a bit more than friends. I didn’t want you to find out and get hurt, so I tried leading you to the conclusion yourself.”

Spike turned the cupcake he was still holding in his hands about. “Would you even tell me if you did have sex with her…?”

“I can’t say that I would. I only told you about Applejack so I could explain what some of the benefits of our kind of friendship entailed… Spike-”

Spike’s shoulders relaxed and he let out a deep breath, shaking his head. “Thanks for the trip, but… Dude, I’m gonna go to sleep. I really hope I feel better after that.”

He’s not you, Kaid. You can’t give him liquor or Twilight’s going to kill you. “Sleep well, mate. You know where I live if you want to talk.”

“Tch. Fat chance.” He walked away with a weight on his shoulders and it hurt to see that I’d caused him pain like that. At the very least I didn’t lie, but it would’ve been kinder to feed him bullshit at that point.

I started walking back home, hoping that Spike would be alright, but even I couldn’t tell myself that any of it had been a good move. It was right and it was honest, but not a good move. The kid needed to hear that he had my support and that he needed to ask Rarity how she felt about him, but I’d gone and told him that she wasn’t and probably would never be interested. Yeah, it sucked, though I could still tell myself the only thing I was confident in, and that was the fact that Spike needed to know that Rarity and I had an agreement and that she wasn’t into him. I tried to rationalize it so I could breathe more easily, but I felt that he’d needed to hear it from her herself, even if I’d basically told him her reasons without being cruel about it. I didn’t think any conversation that she would have with him was going to go well, so I hoped that he would nut up and be prepared for the rejection when it came. Being an honest man was difficult. More difficult than I had previously thought, but that was since I was still lying by omission at that point. The feeling niggled at the tender spots of my heart, so I altered my path and began heading towards Rarity’s boutique, hoping that I would find her there.

Turns out, I found three short girls talking excitedly about something or other unimportant when I strolled in. One had hair reminiscent of Rainbow Dash’s but was a horrid magenta that clashed terribly with her orange coat. Another was a literal redhead with a light yellow coat, and the last, whom I assumed was Sweetie Belle, had a two-toned lavender and light pink mane with a white coat. I briefly pondered getting the fuck out of dodge since I hate dealing with tweenagers and the young girls in particular, but my stupid curiosity got the better of me.

“Hullo, girls. Any of you seen Rarity?”

They stared at me, their conversation dropping like a gold nugget in a jar of water. “Who are you?” The one with the red mane asked.

“Name’s Max, I’m one of Rarity’s friends. Who are you three?”

The orange one spoke up. “I’m Scootaloo,” She pointed at herself, “That’s Applebloom, and that’s Sweetie Belle.” Scootaloo pointed at each girl respectively.

“Hullo,” I waved, “Nice to meet you.” They waved but said nothing. “So… Any clue where Rarity had gone? Or maybe even Fluttershy? I could use some butter-yellow wisdom right about now.”

“Why do you want to know?” Sweetie Belle asked suspiciously.

“Well, it’s rather hard to stalk someone if you don’t know where they are.”

“Not again!” she exclaimed. A very pointy pair of scissors raised up.

“Holy shite! Hold on! I was kidding, good Lord you little twat. Take a joke, will you?”

The scissors did not fall. “How do I know you’re telling the truth?” She narrowed her eyes.

“Has Rarity seriously not said a word about me? Do the words ‘simply insufferable’ ring any bells?”

“So that’s you! Ooh.” Sweetie Belle dropped the scissors.

“I dunno, Sweetie Belle. I think we might need those if what Big Mac says about him is anything to go by.” Apple Bloom warned.

“What about Applejack? Does she say anything about me?”

“Well, yeah. She says you’re a nice stallion who has trouble tellin’ the truth sometimes.”

“While that is true, I happen to be trying to change that to telling the truth all the time, which is why I need to talk to Rarity and maybe Flutterbutter. Now, if you could kindly stop threatening me, that would be lovely.”

“He looks suspicious to me.” Scootaloo rubbed her chin.

“Big Mac usually ain’t wrong about many things.” Apple Bloom copied her.

“And Rarity says you aren’t the nicest guy.” Sweetie Belle added.

“... I’m just gonna go and not get stabbed by a bunch of fillies. I’ll be sure to snitch and tattle on you to your sisters.” I turned to leave, nose in the air.

“Wait!” Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom cried in unison. Worked better than I thought.

“Aren't you going to stab me?” I called over my shoulder as I walked away.

“No! Don’t tell on us!” Apple Bloom shouted. The trio ran to follow me.

“I was playing, girls. Don’t worry about it.” I totally wasn’t playing, but it seemed like a good day to start lying again.

They breathed a collective sigh of relief. And started babbling among themselves, so I decided to make my exit before they came back to their senses and started talking to me again. They reminded me of Rainbow, Applejack, and Rarity respectively, but I was glad I didn’t have to deal with them for long. I was going to go talk to Fluttershy and enjoy the rest of my day if I could see her for some cuddles. That thought lasted all of thirty seconds.

“Hey Max!” Apple Bloom yelled from behind me.

“Yeah? What is it?” I turned to face her.

“Is what Big Mac says true? Are you really a bad pony?” She looked at me nervously.

“I’m not a Pony, so that doesn’t really apply to me.”

“What?”

“I’m not a Pony, thus I’m not a good Pony because I am not a Pony.”

“What?”

Oh. Oh yeah. It’s time. “What country are you from?”

Applebloom was befuddled. “What?”

“‘What’ ain’t no country I ever heard of! Do they speak Equuish in ‘What’?”

“... What?”

“Equuish, foal! Can you speak it!?”

“Well, yeah! It’s the only language I know.”

“Then you understand what I’m sayin’!?”

“Yeah?”

“Good. Now what do I look like?”

“Uh… What?”

“SAY WHAT AGAIN. COME ON, SAY WHAT AGAIN, I DARE YA. I DOUBLE DARE YA MOTHAFUCKA; SAY. WHAT. AGAIN!”

She looked at me somewhere between confused and angry. “Why should I?”

“I dunno. It’d be funnier if you knew what I was talking about. With that said, what were we talking about?”

“...Ya don’t seem like a bad pony, just weird. Maybe Big Mac was wrong about ya.”

“Or maybe Applejack was right. You never know.”

“Are ya just bein’ difficult now?”

“Yup, pretty much. I’ve been spending too much time around Pinkie. And mares in general, but I spent a full day with the pinkest one.”

“Oh. She does get weird sometimes.”

“That she does. Can I help you with something? Because I do need to find your sister.”

“I thought you needed to find Rarity?”

“I do, but Applejack was with Rarity the last time I saw her, and neither of them should be leaving me alone with myself. Who knows? I might go on a candy binge and clear out Sugarcube Corner.”

“Are you serious!?”

“No, I am not.”

She gave me a look I’d seen from Applejack multiple times. “You’re some kinda goofy.”

“And you’re short. Are we going to make any more observations?”

She finally shut the hell up and started walking back into the shop, bumping into the door but not dropping eye contact with me the entire time. It was a queer thing that I found to be as weird as she was calling me. I fucked off and went searching for Fluttershy, assuming that she would probably be picked up by the girls sometime soon if she hadn’t already been, though I hoped to find her at her house. When three or more of them gathered, they usually formed their little pack and got up to no good, so I kept an ear open for screams, shouts of panic, and general mayhem. I found none, but I really don’t know what I had been expecting. Nothing exciting had happened that didn’t involve me since I’d gotten here, though some of the stories that Applejack had told me were awfully surprising. On my way to Fluttershy’s house, I wondered if Celestia had acquired my booze yet and decided to write to her and see if she had. However, I thought about the stories Applejack had told me of and wondered about them.

One of them was the story of how the girls first met over Luna, who was called Nightmare Moon at the time, kidnapping Celestia and threatening eternal night to be cast over the world. I found that to be frankly terrifying for multiple reasons. How the hell could anyone trust in someone with such propensity for darkness? I mean, hell, I know I’m not exactly one to talk about trustworthiness, but if Luna’s envy of Celestia had grown to the point where she had gotten an evil power boost that could dwarf her sister’s own, then that was reason enough for me to worry. I would never tell Luna that I feared the day she lost control of her emotions, but I did wonder just how long it would take for it to happen again. Being a pessimist even on the sunniest of days, I believed that there would come a time that her evil would be released again, but I had no way of doing anything about that, so I tried not to worry about it too hard.

Needless fretting aside, I hadn’t found anything but a few stuffy, stuck-up animals around Fluttershy’s place. Instead of feeding them or anything, I went around looking for Lupa and found Bearett, but he didn’t really want to deal with me anyway and didn’t lead me to my pupper either. Instead of trolling around Fluttershy’s house, I decided to take my happy arse out and about to one of the local bars called ‘The Punch Bowl’ Instead of walking about town, searching for the rainbow sextet of females. I got to the bar and had a seat at the counter, being greeted by my neighbors quickly enough and I had a good little chat over a pint of something dark and cold. Pony beer tended to be sweet, but The Punch Bowl had fucking amaretto and bourbon in spades, so I ordered a couple ‘Dogfathers’ and got started in on my own good time. There was a mare there named Briar who was actually pretty cool. I got drunk with her and she offered me some flowers since she was a florist, but the noteworthy part of the conversation was the fact that she swore like a sailor and was none to shy about being a bitch to any and everyone. I liked it about her, but I can’t remember for the life of me what the second part of her name was or what she looked like. I also met Lyra again and she talked me into being a little promiscuous while I was trying to sober up, so we got somewhere private and had ourselves a quick go that didn’t involve actual sex. She just wanted to know what I tasted like, so I let her find out and I had something new to regret.

After all that, I was going to call it a night and start writing some good ol’ fashioned smut as a way to end the day since my buzz was fading and I wanted to do some more writing. It had been fun in the first place, but I really wanted to get started on a real book since I’d read plenty in my life. When I got home, my house was also oddly empty. I had been expecting them to have let themselves in or something, and it was odd that I felt rather disappointed that they hadn’t. I don’t think it was because I wasn’t going to have a chance to yell at them for invading my privacy, but that I had been anticipating company that I no longer had. Even my somewhat constant companion had ditched me and now, without needing anyone to look after me, I had some time to myself. I brushed off the heavy feeling to the best of my abilities and grabbed a pen, some paper, and a tall glass of water to begin my new pastime. I wrote in a flurry of movement and inspiration, using my own kinks and some of my experiences to flavor the text a bit while trying to keep it in a female’s perspective which was surprisingly fun. While I’d always been a reader, I had never been much of a writer, and I had found it to be more of a responsibility than a hobby when it came to my journals. However, writing for giggles was proving to be an interesting endeavor.

Unlike the gaudy cheese-fest I had written into the fake ancient text I had given Twilight, I actually put a bit of effort into this one, making it a little easier to read and allowing it to flow naturally rather than the jerky, rapid scene changes that had been all over my previous work. It was difficult to switch styles entirely, but not impossible by any means as I had to keep reminding myself time and time again. Another factor was repetition, which broke up the flow of the story and seemed to make it more childish. I attempted to avoid it as often as possible, but there’s only so many ways one can refer to genitalia that will be understood, let alone maintain a certain level of dignity. There’s a difference between harlequin romance and straight-up smut, and I was going for the romance bit. It proved a difficult task to keep the hot, heavy tone I was trying to set when I felt no arousal of my own and had no one to read over my work, but I finished the first few chapters by the time the moon had risen. I got so lost in writing that I forgot to send Celestia the note and had also ignored the fact that night had fallen a few hours ago. It was a bit after one in the morning when I decided to go search for journals to catch them up. After a few minutes of trying to remember where I put them, I realized they weren’t at the desk in my room, which was where I always left them. I’d never failed to hide them there at any point previously.

Fishy, and not a sushi kind of fishy. More like a cod-lutefisk kind of oceanic.

I always kept them in the same place. The only drawer I had that locked on my desk, where I also kept my billfold and the ring I’d taken from my dad before Mum could sell it. I’d had the same in my nightstand along with the wallet I had kept with me since I was fifteen. Leaving both of them in a safe place was pertinent since I didn't want them to get lost while I was doing random crap, so I also kept my journal with them because of that very fact. Both of those things were still there, and I was beginning to work myself into a frenzy trying to find them when I gave up and started on my most recent entry in an attempt to calm down. I stopped a few times to look some more to no avail; the pages were gone and I had no idea where exactly they’d went. My thoughts turned to the possible betrayal of my friends, but I waved them aside. The girls were nosy, but I highly doubted that any of them would go snooping through my things just to steal my journal entries. Until I thought of the fact that at least one of them was highly magical without having a horn and I’d just pranked another while having to take her sibling out of the house to avoid getting yelled at.

I didn’t even try to sleep. I was certain that someone I’d trusted to be in my house had stolen from me and that was not fine. That, in and of itself, just pissed me off. Those papers had contained most of my time in Equestria, and it worried me that I would have to rewrite them from memory, knowing I couldn’t remember all the conversations in their entirety. I knew for a fact that I couldn’t redo my first impressions or recall everything exactly as it had happened like I did the first go ‘round, and that just served to piss me off anymore. Not only had I lost the first draft of my life in Equestria, it had most likely been taken by one of my own friends and that… The fucking fact that every thought I’d deemed important since the last day I spent on Earth, the fact that I’d seen more of some people than they would want someone else to know, the fact that I had my feelings in print… It was all in someone else’s hands and I felt exposed. Wronged. I felt like my privacy, the very sanctity of my fucking thoughts was invaded and someone was probably just doing it for laughs. That shite made me livid. It was like a piece of my mind had just up and left, taking a good chunk of time along with it, and that worried me as much as anything else. How was I supposed to rest easy knowing that I had minded it well and included so much? Especially for someone like me who rarely left anything in text form to be used as evidence. It was infuriating to think that someone I’d let into my home had up and taken my innermost thoughts from me without so much as thinking that I would update my journals…

Pacing around my living room, I thought of who exactly would have the gall to steal what was effectively every souvenir, every impression, and every drop of blood on my hands. I needed to get out of my house and out of my head, so I threw on a jacket and got to stepping, hoping to find the girls either in their homes or at someone’s house. They’d mentioned a sleepover earlier, so I was wondering if there was any possibility of all of them being in the same place. I passed Fluttershy’s cabin, Applejack’s farm, and Rarity’s boutique on my circuit, wondering if any of them were still up at this ungodly hour or if they were hosting the possible sleepover. I had a feeling that they weren’t either hosting or awake, so I didn’t bother stopping by, though seeing them did ease my heart a little.

For a few minutes, I wondered how I would open the conversation I was planning on having and found myself with the realization that I didn’t particularly care, but I wanted to know who the fuck had my damn journals. I had my suspicions and they were either right or wrong, though I had a feeling that I was right. My friends meant a lot to me and I was beginning to appreciate them more, but I had been just as happy to be by myself before and after Max’s passing. That fact made me wonder if perhaps the magic of Ponyland was getting to me more than I had thought, but then I realized that I was still pissed over the trespass and probably wouldn’t be half as quick to forgive Rarity or Pinkie if my suspicions were on target. Things that would have started blood grudges before were swiftly forgiven, although they were never forgotten. Annoyances that would have gotten a few people cursed to the moon and back were ignored, but remembered all the same. I was slowly changing, whether I had intended to or not, in ways that I hadn’t foreseen. That alone worried me even more.

I didn’t want to be like one of the Ponies, blissfully ignorant and cheery. I wanted to be me. Surly, snippy, and sarcastic. Funny, caring, and helpful. I didn’t want to lose who I was while I was changing, but I really fucking wanted to get my journal back and I was pissed enough to find the path however the fuck I needed to. All I was really trying to change was my honesty (or lack thereof) and my willingness to use my manners, but the more I pondered how much I had changed, the deeper the worry etched itself into my mind. Would I eventually turn into one of these happy-go-lucky fuckers if I stayed my course? Or would I retain some semblance of what made me who I am? Who I was could be a little different, but being the better version of me? Not on my mind while my secrets were being stolen from me. While my past was being dredged up piece by piece.

I was still troubled by my thoughts when I found myself passing Twilight’s house, seeing that the lights were still on. I didn’t have a watch, but I assumed it was nearly three or so in the morning. My interest was piqued, so I walked up and was about to knock when I heard voices through the door. I listened for a few seconds and opened the door a bit to hear some more. What was said won’t be written down, but for a little while they talked about Spike and how he’d seemed down since comig home with me, but he wasn’t talking. Then they started talking about the journal I’d left with Twilight and she herself wasn’t that interested in it, but everyone else present had either heard when she’d been reading or was in line to read the rest themselves. I had heard enough to allay my suspicions for a few moments, even though the loudest voice of the bunch was missing for some reason. Softly, I closed the door and knocked three times on it.

Twilight answered it with the slightest hint of pink still on her cheeks. “Max? Are you okay? Isn’t it kind of late to be out for a walk?” she asked.

“It is, but I’m looking for something I have a sneaking suspicion that either Rarity or Pinkie has. Applejack’s not a thief, Rainbow wouldn’t take it because she’s loyal like that, biut Pinkie and Rarity were in my house earlier too and the last time I saw my journal was before I went to sleep while Rares was over. Would you mind-”

“You keep a journal? What of?”

I looked Twilight dead in the eye. “My journal holds everything I see, everything I think, and everything I’ve done. What’s in that journal are my secrets, the way I see the world around me, the people I meet, and the shite I do that I don’t want anyone to know. Some of those things are only secret to me. Some of those things are secrets of Equestria and Celestia.”

Her eyes widened and she stepped outside, closing the door behind her. “Max… You- You wouldn’t happen to have written down… Our mornings, would you?”

“Yes. And other mornings with other women. The way I felt about those mornings too.”

“Oh crap.”

“Those pages also incriminate me in the murders of the four people in Gryphonia that I told you about.”

“Oh my gosh!” She ripped the door open and led me by the hand to the foyer, then to the library proper. “Fillies! We have a big, big problem!”

Rarity, Applejack, and Fluttershy all looked over at Twilight’s blushing face as Rainbow just raised a brow. “There’s a stallion at a mare-party?”

“Not quite.” I deadpanned, giving my attention to Rarity. “Bonny, do you have the nerve to steal from someone?”

Her eyes widened. “Wha- No! I would never stoop so low as to steal something from somepony! For shame, Maximus!”

Applejack’s eyes widened. “Uh-oh.”

I turned to her. “Applejack, who has my journals?”

She averted her gaze and Rainbow spoke up, looking shifty when she did. “What? You think one of us took your stupid diary?”

“Yeah, because I only let so many people come over to my house and I have never failed to put them in their given home. Don’t fuckin’ lie to me Rainbow. Show some loyalty.”

Rarity drew herself up while sitting down. “W-Well, I assure you-”

“You’re about to lie, so shut up.” I looked to Fluttershy. “Oi, Flutters, where’s Pinkie?”

Applejack shook her head. “Max, it ain’t that big a deal! It’s just like your little sister stealin’ your diary, right? It ain’t-”

“I wrote every second of me fucking you in those pages. Every second of my time with Fluttershy. Every intimate detail.”

Her jaw dropped and Fluttershy looked like she was about to cry. “A-And somepony’s just… Reading that!?” She squealed softly, though it was loud by her standards.

“Yeah, and I know all of you know that I’ve killed people. What you don’t know is that worse shit has been written on those pages, specifically about the time before I came here in the first place. Not only did Pinkie steal a journal full of my innermost thoughts and emotions, not only did she steal the fucking proof of me being a murderer, she stole shit that’s partially about every impression I’ve ever had of someone I either have or thought I would meet again.”

Rainbow scoffed, her face red. “Well, it’s kinda your fault for writing all of that down-”

Applejack glared at her. “What Max does with his property is his damn business, Rainbow, and if he wants to write his thoughts into a book, then he’s entitled to do that. I’m guessin’ that eveyr embarrassin’, shameful, depressin’ thing Max has ever told us ain’t even half of what’s in his journal, and you’re bein’ such a nag about Pinkie stealin’ it! I done told y’all that wasn’t no sort a’ prank! That’s crap’s probably got secrets ain’t nopony that’s not Max needs to read about!”

Dash glared right back at her. “A prank is a prank-”

Rarity gasped. “M-Max, would our agreement-”

“And the way we came to it too, yeah. Even cuddling with Twilight made it into my journal, and every detail of what you were wearing when you asked me about the agreement too. Anything I see that’s interesting, worthy of note, or anything I fuckin’ do goes into my journal. Taking a piss, making breakfast, talking with all of you, my interactions with anyone I’ve ever met here, sex, drinking, murders, fights, depression, anxiety, happy, sad; You fucking name it, if I thought it was important while I was writing, it’s in my fucking journal.”

Twilight’s breathing was panicked. “And the stuff we did was practically right after you got here! She’s going to read about me first!”

Rainbow giggled and Rarity calmly walked up behind her, got her attention, then slapped her. Dash shut the fuck up and took in the white mare’s glowering form. “That’s not funny, and the fact that you laughed makes you an awful mare. Max’s lowest points are in that book. His sexual endeavors. His bloody past, and I’m willing to bet that more of the things he hesitated to tell us about his life on Earth are in there. Those were painful secrets for him to share with us, and you laugh? Have you no compassion for this stallion?”

Rainbow held her cheek. “... I guess… I’m- I’m sorry…”

“Are you apologizing to me? Because it’s pointless.”

Dash glanced over to me and saw that no one in the room was even slightly amused. “Let’s just go and get it back, okay?

Applejack got up from her sleeping bag. “I’ll get it back for ya. Pinkie didn’t say nothin’ until she already had it, but she wasn’t just gonna put it back. If I knew it wasn’t just the basic stuff, I woulda made her put it back.”

I walked over and gave her a hug. “Thank you, AJ. My journal means a lot to me, and I’m going to swear at Pinkie until she cries when I see her.”

“Now, that ain’t right, Max, but I understand it.” She met my raised brow with a pleading look. “Max, ain’t not a one of us knew what was in them pages ‘cept for you. She ain’t mean no harm-”

“And yet she stole from me. After I trusted her to be in my house. Do you remember how you and Pinkie approached me when you told me you knew I was a thief?”

Twilight groaned. “Applejack, don’t tell me you were mean about it!”

“I was a right nag, and I apologize for that, Max, but two wrongs don’t make a right.”

Fluttershy shook her head. “If Pinkie’s reading about my first time…”

Applejack bit her lip. “I ain’t makin’ excuses, I’m tryin’ to calm this down. Let’s get prepped and go, alright? No need to act rash or anythin’-”

“Applejack! Max wrote about my first time!” Fluttershy cried. “I-If Pinkie reads that…”

Twilight teleported her coat and Applejack’s into their hands before tossing AJ’s to her. “We’ll go. It’s late in my day to do more than three ponies, but I can get us there and back no problem.”

Applejack put her coat on and caught her shoes when Twilight tossed those too. I nodded approvingly. “Alright, here’s hoping she hasn’t read about the mission yet.”

“What aboutb Fluttershy?” Twilight asked.

“That happened after, right before Velvet broke up with me and I had a talk with Celestia about one of my worst habits. We need to get going.” I walked over to her and Applejack joined me in a sec.

Twilight looked around. “We’ll be right back, girls!” She looked to me and Applejack. “Alright, in three, two, one-” We teleported and were right in front of Sugarcube Corner. “Okay, now we just have to find a way in…”

“The Cakes lock up every night from what Pinkie says, so unless you wanna break and enter-”

“Gotcha covered.” I knelt in front of the door and pulled some picks out of my boots, getting to work.

“... It’s real unsettlin’ that ya have those on ya, Ma-”

“Done, let’s go.” I opened the door.

“Shit!” She hissed in a low voice.

“That was fast…” Twilight remarked softly.

“Hold your heart close, I’ll pick the lock to that to.” I replied flippantly, sauntering in after making sure the usual check were up to par.

We snuck quietly through the main portion of the shop, which I say and mean that I snuck. Twilight’s shoes were metal, so Applejack and I had her as our watchdog and crept around the place together, trying not to wake anyone up. She used the most Fluttershy voice she had to ask if I still did that crap from time to time and I told her that I’d practiced on a few in Canterlot and had never stolen anything after my very first day in Equestria. She believed it since it was true and took me directly to Pinkie’s room where. Applejack tried to knock, but I grabbed her hand and the doorknob before whisking the obstruction open and caught Pinkie rubbing herself gently while making faces at my life in writing. Applejack gasped and tried to close the door, but I slipped in and Pinkie noticed us, not quite freezing until we were both in her room. Applejack closed the door and I walked over to her.

Pinkie froze, but her hand did not.

“While I’m so glad you find my life arousing, I would appreciate it if you stopped.” I snarled, my lip curling on its own

“You’re in my room.”

“And you stole from me. Give it.” She extended her wet hand. “If you want those fingers unbroken then keep ‘em to your fuckin’ self, you little nag-whorse.”

Her eyes widened and she seemed hurt. “Hey, I-”

“Stole from me. Fuckin’. Give. It.”

She clutched them to her chest. “Why should I?”

Applejack marched over. “Pinkamena Diane Pie, are you a thief? Are you really gonna steal from a pony and get mad when they ask for their crap back?”

She glared at AJ before I snatched my loosely-bound collections from her and checked where she was. She was masturbating to my time with Velvet. “Give me a solid reason not to fuckin’ hit you, Cuntie. Give me one solid fuckin’ reason.”

Pinkie pulled her pants up and scooted away. “Max, we’re still friends-”

“What makes you say that? At this point, Pinkie, what honestly makes you say that?” I seethed. “We meet and you throw me a party. Yay. I hate most parties. The reason I attended said party was because I didn’t know it was for me in the first place and I got to be the center of fuckin’ attention, which I hate.” I growled while Pinkie seemed to be nearing tears. “You know what? I still appreciated the thought behind the gesture because no, you don’t throw a party for just anyone, but as it turns out, that’s your thing. Skip that. It was a kind gesture that I would’ve said no to, but what-the-fuck-ever. Then, after we become quote unquote ‘friends’, you eavesdrop on one of the most important, private conversations I’ve had on this planet and you fucking snitch me out. You ran your goddamn mouth and I’m the only one who had to deal with any of the consequences of that because no one even looked at you for breaking and entering then selling me out to Applejack!”

“Max, Sugarcube-” I looked at Applejack and she flinched.

“Oh, don’t you think for a second I would talk like this to someone I liked. I would never bare my fuckin’ teeth at someone worthy of a drop of respect.” I looked back to Pinkie and her lips were quivering. “Carrying on, not only did you risk my friendship with the rest of our friends, but you exposed me in a fuckin’ public place and I got burned for that too. So what next? Oh, that’s right, immediately after I tell you and the girls that I just had a bad break up with a woman I was fully prepared to give my heart to, you ask me for sex like I’m a goddamn piece of meat and nothing more to you. Then you keep asking, even after being told no every fuckin’ time, and now? Now you steal from me, from my fuckin’ home and you have the goddamn nerve to think we’re friends? How, other than the fuckin’ party I didn’t want, have you been any kind of friend to me, Pinkie? Because you sold me out, tried to catch me on a bad rebound, and then stole from me. Other than that? All we’ve done is occasionally hang out, which when we did, all you really wanted was to fuck me. I’m not your piece of gossip, I’m not your fuckin’ dick to ride, and I am not your fuckin’ friend after this because honestly? Well and fuckin’ truly, if you do this to all of your friends, then you don’t fuckin’ deserve one.”

“Pinkie? Is everything okay?” I heard Mrs.Cake ask from the doorway.

I raised a brow at her and looked to a sobbing Pinkie Pie before saying, “If anyone had any sense, they’d stay the fuck away from you. You might be nice when you wanna be, but you are by far one of the most inconsiderate people I have met in this country. I say this with every fiber of my being, and make no mistake when I say it, but fuck. Off.

Mrs. Cake closed the door softly moments beforee opened it again, rolled my eyes at the scared look on her face, and excused myself as I passed her since I was ready to hit something and she was very close as I walked by. Not only had the fucking cunt stolen my shit, but she had also defaced it. I could and would have to rewrite the pages, of course, since the damage wasn’t too severe, but the fact that she even necessitated a rewrite of thousands of words just to get her stupid fucking handwriting and comments off of my personal, private journals? Beyond infuriating. I brushed past Twilight and Applejack followed me on my way out with Mrs. Cake still asking what the hell had just happened upstairs. I walked along at a brisk pace, not really caring that Applejack and Twilight were trailing along until they caught up to me. It always seemed to be one of them that was worried about me whenever something was pissing me off, but despite the concern they were showing, I wanted nothing more than to be left alone.

“Max!?” Applejack called. “You okay?”

“No. No I am not.” I stopped walking and let them catch up.

“Max… Ya didn’t have ta say all that…” Applejack eventually commented. “... That was… Mean ain’t even the word for it, even if ya were mad at her.”

“I asked Pinkie to hand over my journal and she did not. She needed to be torn down and exposed to herself so she could see herself for what she is, and I’m not gonna fuckin’ apologize to anyone for that. Has Pinkie ever stolen something of value to you? Has she ever snitched on you?” I asked, looking Applejack in the eye as long as she let me. I then turned to Twilight. “Can either of you really say that Pinkie wasn’t in the complete wrong here? Can either of you even defend her in the slightest? And I don’t mean half-arsed, ‘Oh, she didn’t mean any harm!’ because you know what? I generally don’t mean any harm when I take jabs at you two, and yet you still get offended and are ready to start an argument over something that is well and truly harmless. My words? They’re just words. I speak them and it’s up to you to remember them. Pinkie’s actions? I’m still dealing with the consequences of those, so you honestly tell me who’s a worse friend right now, because if you say me, then you’ve obviously never had to deal with Pinkie like I have.”

Twilight seemed a bit teary eyed. “That was uncalled for, Max! You know Pinkie would have given it back eventually and she-”

“She invaded my privacy, again. Stole from me, scribbled nonsense all over my thoughts, actions, and ideas, and I caught her fucking masturbating to my goddamn life! Why the fuck would I still be friends with her? Give me a good reason Twilight. Because I’ve been looking for a good reason for longer than tonight, and I haven't found one. You’re smarter than I am, and Applejack could very well be wiser, so either of you; Why should I still be friends with Pinkie? Why should I care what she thinks of me or anything about her in general?”

Twilight eyes were wide, her lips set in a frown. “I-I’m sure there’s an explanation to all this, Max!”

Applejack took a deep breath and let it out. “... Twilight, do ya have a reason or not?” She stared at Applejack. “Pinkie’s still my little pal, Twi, but Max is right. He shoulda cut her off when she was askin’ for sex and wouldn’t take no for an answer. She’s been a nag to the guy and he’s just been puttin’ up with it. In his shoes, I wouldn’t be friends with her either.”

Purps sniffed. “Applejack… I thought you said it was just supposed to be a prank…”

“Even if she did it with the best of intentions, all she did at the end of the day was steal from a guy who ain’t never done nothin’ wrong to her, and Max just explained all the other crap to her while I was in the room. Pinkie ain’t no kinda friend to Max. Friends don’t buck ya over and get mad when ya call ‘em out on it.”

“B-But-”

“Can ya really say you’re on Pinkie’s side?”

“... No, but she’s still my friend!”

I shrugged. “Then I hope she learned her lesson and you don’t have to deal with what I have.”

Twilight decided to try again with me. “Max, you… I heard a lot of what you said to Pinkie-”

“Did I lie?”

“No, but-”

“Then should I really have to apologize for telling the truth? For being honest with someone about how I feel? For speaking from the heart?”

“W-Well, no-”

“Then what do you have to say?”

“... Pinkie’s… Pinkie’s just thoughtless sometimes and- and she just needs somepony to point her in the right direction! She’s not a bad mare-”

“To you. She’s not a bad mare to you.”

Twilight hung her head and Applejack threw an arm over her shoulder. “... It’s a good time for bed, ain’t it?”

“That’s what I was thinking. I’m going home.”

Applejack looked down. “...Do ya want someone to walk-”

“No. No, I don’t.”

“I’m sorry, Max. If… If I knew all of that…” Twilight hugged herself

“You know what? Applejack, Rarity and Rainbow knew, and they didn’t do a damn thing because it was a ‘prank’. Not a one of them thought about the fact that I trusted them to be in my house, the first place I’ve been able to call ‘my home’ in nearly a decade, and Pinkie stole from me. Don’t you feel bad for a moment because you had nothing to do with it.”

Applejack rubbed her arm and Twilight looked between us. “That’s a little harsh, Max.”

“If it’s any less true, that tell me now. Otherwise, leave me alone. I don’t even want to look at the majority of people I call friends right now, especially since half of you were ready to demonize me over what Pinkie said about me being a thief because you know what? Hypocrisy and double-standards? Bullshit. Pure, unfiltered, unfair bullshit.”

I walked on and they stood there for a while longer. Too livid to care, I held my pages close and fucked right off, thinking up various ways to get Pinkie back for what she did. There was so much going through my mind all at once that it’s hard to say how I made it home, but Pinkie? She’s older than me. She had a strong opinion on thieving. She should have fucking known better than to think that she was going to get away scot-fucking-free, but I guess I set a bad precedent. In fact, Pinkie will now be referred to as Cuntie. Cuntie deserved every fucking syllable of every word I said to her and seeing her cry? The perfect memory to fap to if I was a slightly worse person.

There was too much time to think on my walk. I came up some brutal ways that weren’t technically torture to eat away at Cuntie’s self esteem, self image, and self respect, planning to put all of them into effect the moment I could. The fucking fact that Rarity even made an attempt to cover for her, the fucking fact that Rainbow couldn’t understand the simplicity of me being pissed off for a perfectly viable reason? Fuel for the fury I was still feeling and more than enough to convince me to stop talking to them. However, I had to look my abandonment issues in the eye and came to the realization that I wasn’t going to end my friendship with anyone other than Cuntie. It sucked to think about, but the only one I was really mad at was Cuntie and the other two had their reasons. It doesn’t mean I’m not irritated with them, though time would tell if I gave a shit about them anyway.

I sat in my empty house and rewrote a decent enough portion of the pages that Cuntie had ruined. The mere sight of her bright pink scrawl incensed me to the point of shaking so hard I had to stop writing and calm down. Celestia had come through with the liquor she’d promised me and I stowed it under my sink after pouring myself a tall snifter and downing half like the fuckin’ lush I am. However, it was after eating something, so I was better off than the people who would’ve drank on an empty stomach. In any case it was hard to trust the Ponies after getting burned so many times. I truly began to doubt that I was the toxic one because my toxicity is evident. It’s clear. It’s easy to see and define to me, but the Ponies? Naive. Thoughtless outside of neighborly things. Potentially violent, potentially uncaring, and always idiots. The way I saw Ponies was changing beneath my feet and I was coming to the harsh realization that they weren’t and aren’t as generally kind and considerate as I thought them to be.

The problem once lie with me and myself who was too unforgiving and harsh to exist in their world. Now? Now I realized, I recognized that the ponies were just insanely fucking stupid! They were so sheltered and ignorant, they hard a hard time seeing anything from someone else’s prerogative, which was exemplified perfectly in Cuntie. It was part of why I liked Applejack in the first place. She was world-wise, or at least made an attempt to understand the people around her. Applejack, to my knowledge, is a woman of quiet contemplation and quick wit, though not necessarily academic. My impression of her might be skewed by recent endeavors that lead to the bedroom, but I felt like I’d already gotten what I needed to know from her to assert the claim that she’s more Human than her friends. Twilight? A huge nerd, but not street-wise, exactly like most of the group. The gal’s inexperienced with people and it shows when she kind of goes off into her own world, and I doubt she would ever have gone out and made friends on her own during most of her life. Twilight seems Human too at times, but the divide between her ignorant bliss and her understanding of life’s worse aspects is too great for me to really call her anything other than the alien she is to me…

All of the girls are foreign to me, and even though I just lauded Applejack for feeling more like a person to me, I know deep down that she’s not typical in Ponyville. For a brief moment while I got back to sitting down and writing more of the shit I’d already written once, I wondered if I should have stayed in Gryphonia. It was clearly a rougher neighborhood, and my stealthy crafty shite had been helpful and could have netted me enough to live off of for a while if I hadn’t been on a mission. With supervision. The shit I could’ve stolen from… Hedard? Yeah, that guy. The sheer amount of wealth he had that could’ve lined my pockets was almost worth going back for a second. I longed for the strolls, dodging rolls, and chatting with the underbelly that I’d done while there, and since there was no ‘real reason’ for me to stay in Equestria, I considered packing up and leaving. It was short, but I honestly though of telling Celestia to go fuck herself, flipping a couple fingers toward the women who’d given so much to get me started, and maybe asking Lupa if she really cared for me enough to come. I just hated the amount of Goddamn drama in my life to the point where I was as ready as could be to change it.

Then the bad thoughts settled in. I could fantasize about leaving the shaky ground I stood on, but I loved Celestia and she’d be heartbroken if I left without a word, or she’d teleport to me while I was in the process of leaving and either push me to stay or pull back. Either option would hurt and I don’t enjoy inviting heartache onto myself. If I were to leave Ponyville, I’d miss my spastic, lunatic friends that I can barely identify with, and if Lupa didn’t come along, all I’d be doing was starting from rock-bottom. Purposefully fucking myself over for the sake of living a life I did my damnedest to claw my way out of. It was a short fantasy, but the nature of my reality and the light that shone through the rain on my parade was both disheartening and touching.

On one hand, I basically didn’t have to do anything ever again for money. No shagging unless I wanted to, and I’d likely get to put forth the least amount of effort I ever had into getting some. Didn’t have to steal shit because I could just buy it and I’m already low-key wealthy. Could maybe find a hobby to bide my time, which I honestly feel is going to be writing because it’s fun and challenging. The more I thought about it, the more I saw the light in the clouds and yeah, life’s good. Cuntie, however, needed to learn her lesson and I’d be damned if I wasn’t going to be the one to teach it to her. The desire for violence was gone because I knew it wouldn’t do much other than get me arrested. However, Pinkie’s emotional stability? Oh, I could ruin that. And planned on it. The only real problem I would have was easy enough to deal with and could be fun because it’s basically ‘How to obliterate someone with words in small spans of time’. I’d played ‘Guilt Trip’ plenty of times to varying degrees of effect, and I mainly had Babs and her slimy self to thank for it.

I went to bed as dawn was breaking, finished with a good chunk of my rewrites and my plan cemented in my head. There were still a good number of pages that I was going to have to fix, and I double-checked to see if Cuntie had used some form of invisible ink just to mess with me. It wasn’t hard to find that she hadn’t and it was kind of silly in the first place, but seeing more and more of Pinkie’s writing on my pages? That shite fanned the flames in my stomach and made me want to hurt her in ways that she could heal from, and that wasn’t the damage I wanted to do. She fucking commented on my ‘style’, the fact that I describe sex period, and multiple little pieces of bullshit that amounted to ‘I didn’t know you thought that!’ or ‘Be nice!’. Bitch should have seen from what I had written that I wasn’t fond of doing a lot of the shit that I did or do in general, but no. She decided to criticize like she was fucking Fluttershy with a bone to pick and that? In my journal? Not cool. We went from Aqua Regis levels to Substance N and I had no problems with it.

I may or may not have chuckled myself to sleep while thinking of ways to backslide from being a better person, but the important part to me is that no one mistake me for being a fucking doormat. None of the others in the rainbow pack of Ponies ever had to deal with the kind of shite that I waded through damn near every week (It’s practically episodic at this point) and I was definitely going to make an ass of myself. Waking up to nightmares of Cuntie snapping and ripping my teeth out of my jaw, however, convinced me to calm the rage. Mostly because, even as small as Cuntie is, she’s still an Earth Pony. Those fuckers? Unnecessarily strong, and I didn’t doubt that my small circle of acquaintances would side with her if I went too far.

I got up and wished that I still had the potent plant in my shed when I decided to go check. I found that Lupa had actually neglected to carry it off and that it smelled even stronger than it had before, a good indicator that it had finally had a chance to settle and dry out on its own.The buds weren’t sticky per se, but they were most certainly frost and a casual crack into a bud saw that the little white hairs of happiness were even more dense inside. That was nice and all, but I smiled when I saw the absolutely coated tip that was the top cola. It was a beauty, nearly bringing a tear to my eye. I went back inside and grabbed a mason jar that I had seen when I stashed my liquor and brought the top cola in, stuffing it as gently as I could inside so I didn’t hurt it. Now I just needed some moonshine, and I would have a whole ‘nother dragon on my hands. I went back out and picked something that wasn’t quite as majestic to process, finding that it was pretty much fine to deal with. It was already a pretty morning out, nice and cool, but it was slowly beginning to get prettier. I did finally get some sleep so it was worth it to me. However, if I hadn’t had an awning on my porch swing, I would be willing to bet that I’d have been cherry red by the time I actually got my stoned arse into gear. To write all this down.

I was quite pleasantly awoken by the repeated feeling of being kissed on the cheek, but when I rolled over, I saw that it was not a pretty woman placing smooches on me, but rather, my favorite pupper giving me smooches of her own. I rubbed her head and sat up. “Lupa? Just where have you been the past few days? I miss you when you disappear, you know.” She shook her head and pointed her nose into the air and started off. “Oi! Wait up!”

I followed her in and picked up a willow sapling that had been felled by a woodland creature of some sort. It was light and only needed to be trimmed a little, but I did so while following Lupa at a sedate pace. Once I had gotten it to the point I could use it as a walking stick, Lupa surged forth and I followed quickly, trying to save energy while maneuvering through the thick underbrush. I was glad that I was wearing proper trousers by the time we stopped, seeing as how they were torn and snagged by a few patches of briar and a couple nettle plants here and there. The big black wolf was standing at attention, her gaze on a point somewhere in the distance. I knelt down and looked with her, spotting what she had brought me to see.

There was an encampment of snake like men, slithering about deeper into the forest. I looked at Lupa and wished that I had my knives with me, the only viable weapons I owned. Unfortunately, I had a stick. A nice stick, mind you, but a stick nonetheless and I highly doubted that it was going to do bugger all if I had to deal with those fellows in the way I thought we were. I pointed in their direction and whispered ‘bad?’ to Lupa, cocking my head and she lowered her and waved it side to side before following them. I followed her in turn, trying to stay low and out of sight, just in case the worst possibility came into reality.

We tracked the Naga-like beings for hours, only stopping when they did. I saw them eat a diet of fish and what I believed to be nightshade before they continued on each time, which worried me. I wasn’t an alchemist or an expert of poison by any means, but I knew that at the rate they were eating the little black berries that came from the purple flowered plants, they should have been dead ten minutes after the first break they’d taken. That worried the fuck out me, since it meant that I would have to find something else to use as a means of engagement. I was dreading the moment when we got to wherever we were heading. I was a little scared and felt under-prepared for such a meeting as the one that was obviously coming, but in any case I hoped that the Naga-people were more friendly than hungry.

The Naga left our field of vision some time later and I could see smoke rise from above the treetops. I was rather curious by now since there was plenty of it, so I stayed behind Lupa as we kept on, staying in the brush as we observed the clearing that they had either made or found. What I saw was quite intriguing. The Naga had built a small hamlet that was vaguely similar to that of American Indians in the olden days, with wigwam-like structures dotting around the encampment and one longhouse taking center stage in the middle of the assortment. They were are rather well made with uniform branches forming support, with what seemed to be clay at just about every joint. The buildings were robust, yet complex, bound with fine plant fibers that were evidently strong enough to hold them together well, and there were more branches with leaves interwoven in between the support beams that I assumed were there to help keep rain and the like out. These people were crafty, or at least somewhat intelligent. That filled me with a bit of hope.

Lupa started walking into the hamlet with a spring to her step. She didn’t seem scared at all, so I followed her in and hoped that it wouldn’t end with us getting killed because we hadn’t thought this through. I knew she was smart, but I was highly doubting her intelligence on this one, even though I knew she wouldn’t lead me somewhere to die. Hopefully. We, or rather, I, was stopped immediately by a hulking mass of reptile. His dark grayish green scales didn’t shine or really reflect light, seeming to draw light in and keep it there. His face was far from human, and there were remarkably few features to go along with it other than a few discolorations of the scales around his eyes and mouth. His ears were nonexistent at least from my view which was a good thirty centimeters down, which meant that if I had continued to look forward, I would be staring at his chest, which had two odd bumps that resembled pectorals, but like that of a bodybuilder rather than a normal person. I looked up at the behemoth and almost quaking in my boots, but I put on a brave face.

I waved. “Hullo.”

“Who are you?” A booming voice asked.

“My name’s Max. I’m a Human visiting a Pony town nearby.”

“Why are you here?”

I pointed at the hulking mass that was Lupa, though she seemed much smaller when compared to the massive creature in front of me. “My companion brought me here. I don’t know why.”

“The Otsoa is a friend here. You are not.” It’s voice was beginning to strike me as being more feminine than masculine, but I doubted that it really mattered at the moment.

“How would I become a friend, then? I don't wish you, or your people any harm. I’m actually pretty sure that I couldn’t hurt your people, if they’re all built like you.”

“Your words are not enough. Leave.” Lupa growled and the Naga turned around to look at her.

“Be that as it may, he is not welcome here.” She replied to Lupa. How she understood what she was saying, I do not know. Lupa barked twice. “He is?” Another bark. “So it was you two that killed the kobolds. We had an agreement with them.”

“They raped the corpse of a pony. I couldn’t let them live on knowing they would defile someone else if they were given the chance.”

“We were not aware of their actions.”

“I’m sure you weren’t.” I said skeptically.

The Naga levelled a glare at me. “We would have exterminated them ourselves if we had known. Such evils are not permitted on our land.”

Lupa barked. “You have no proof that it was you that killed the kobolds. We may not have liked them, but we still had a blood pact with them, and that lack of proof is the only reason you’re still allowed to leave alive.”

“So purging necrophiliacs and murderers from your home is a disservice to you?” I scoffed.

“Killing those we have an understanding with is.” We were beginning to draw a crowd.

“What could the Kobolds even provide you? Shit and piss in jars? Hunting outposts where you can rest while watching over your shoulder so you don’t get stabbed in the back?”

“I said that!” a voice called out from the crowd.

“Silence! Would you dare challenge my judgement, stranger?” The Naga drew itself to its full height.”

“If you make bad calls, then yeah, I would.” I lowered myself and prepared to smash and dash. Lupa stood by my side, and got ready to pounce.

An older looking fellow slithered forth on his tail and came up to inspect me. “The small creature has a point, Buruzagi. Many of our people were against an alliance with those foolish creatures, and from what we have heard, they deserved their deaths. This one has done us a favor.”

“Honored Elder, your words hold wisdom.” Buruzagi acquiesced. “I, however, do not agree. This ‘Max’ has insulted my husband’s judgement, and my own.”

“Then fight him. Whoever wins is correct.” The Elder shrugged.

“I’m pretty sure she would kill me without trying.” I replied.

“I may.” She smiled evilly.

Oh hell no, not happening. “I surrender. I stand no chance of beating you, and fighting you in the first place seems like a good way to get killed.”

The Elder crossed his arms and nodded. “I was sure that you would accept. A man should not be so quick to cede his word.”

“A man should not be so quick to cede his life over such paltry matters. I am happy to let Buruzagi have the victory if it means I don’t get my arse kicked up and down this clearing. I’m sure saving her honor means more to her than winning a fight.”

“How would defeating you tarnish my honor?” She asked.

“Hold out your arm, will you?” She complied and I stood next to her, doing the same with mine. “Do you see the difference? I’m about half your size with a good bit less reach than you. Plus, you’re taller and more skilled. Where’s the honor in defeating someone smaller, weaker, and less experienced than you?”

The crowd around us chuckled and my pride ached, but I had avoided being killed for the time being. Buruzagi coughed. “I had not thought of that.”

“Rarely does anyone think twice about an easy victory.”

“You are wise for someone so young, if your voice is anything to go by.” The Elder stated.

“Well, I’m only about twenty one, though I haven’t really cared about it for a while. I’ve seen my fair share of my world.”

“Your world?” The Elder asked.

“Yes, I’m not from this world. I come from a planet called Earth, and a country called England.”

“Earth as in ‘dirt’?”

“Yes, I know it’s silly, but I didn’t name it that.”

“You are an interesting creature, Max. Perhaps we could persuade you to join us for a while longer?” The elder Naga evidently surprised Buruzagi, but she said nothing.

“I thought I wasn’t welcome here.”

Buruzagi spoke. “It is rare that we have visitors that do not wish to fight.”

“I can’t imagine that you get many that would want to. All of you are frankly terrifying.”

“Thank you, that is quite the compliment.” The Elder brushed his claws against his face.

“...Yeah. So how about I tell you of my world in exchange for safe travels around these parts of the forest? I can’t say there’s much I ever do around here, and without Lupa I doubt I could find my way back, but it never hurts to have more friends.”

“That title is not given lightly around here.” The Elder explained. Lupa barked and he nodded.

I looked between them. “I’m sorry, I can’t understand her. What did she say?”

The Elder looked surprised. “I forgot that non-Naga races are not able to understand the dialect of most creatures. You know if you eat more Hizketan Baia, you will be fine.”

“Please don’t tell me those are the berries from the purple flowered bushes.”

He laughed. “No they are not. Those are nightshade; You would die if you ate them!”

“I know, that’s why I was hoping that they were different things.”

“They are indeed. We give the Hizketan to our spawn, but we have not had any for a few years now. You are welcome to our supplies. A few of your tiny handfuls should do just fine.”

“So you’re saying that if I eat those, I’ll be able to understand Lupa?”

“Is that the name you have given her? Because she has told us that she prefers Nashoba.”

Lupa barked twice. “Nevermind. She likes the name you have given her.”

“I was hoping she would. It’s a name with a lot of history behind it. Quite prestigious.”

Lupa’s ears perked up and The Elder seemed interested as well. He extended a clawed hand to the longhouse. “Please, tell us of this history inside. We of the Gose Baso welcome you.” He started off towards the longhouse and Buruzagi followed him.

With my fears assuaged and my welcome into the village, much of the crowd had dissipated save for a few, so it’s not like I was being watched by damn near everyone now. I looked to Lupa and she met my gaze, leaving me behind as she went to dog their nonexistent heels. I accompanied her after a moment, unsure of what to make of the whole thing in general, but I was generally sure that I wasn’t going to die at the moment. There were a few questions in my mind that made me want to know what the fuck Lupa was doing, but I followed her all the same and we entered the longhouse.

The inside of the longhouse was rather impressive, with earth-toned mud walls keeping the wind and rain out. There were intricate drawing that told stories of past hunts and battles that started from one end and petered off about halfway through, but I was sure that it was an ongoing work. I looked around some more and saw that they had two fire places, one on each side, that gave the structure a woody, smoky aroma that I rather enjoyed. The largest Naga I had seen spread wood chips on each of the fires and added logs to them. I assumed the chips were what gave the fire such a pleasant smell, but I had to note that it was fucking hot in here. So much so, I nearly began sweating just from stepping in, but seeing as how I had been invited in, I didn’t really want to snub them for fear of being disrespectful.

The Elder and Buruzagi were sitting on their coiled tails near the leftmost fire, so I joined them there, sitting crossed legged on the ground. The large Naga from before joined us and didn’t say anything, so I asked, “Alright, so where do we start?”

“Wherever you feel you should. You could start with a bit about yourself.” The Elder stated.

“Well, I don’t know if you want to know much about the life of a former thief.”

“Thief?” He asked incredulously.

“Yeah, when I was twelve, my mother died after killing my father, and I had no other means of taking care of myself. No family that would look after me, no desire to be put in the foster care system, no kindly strangers that came across a skinny, downtrodden soul. I took to stealing to feed myself, then I took to stealing to make money so I could pay my own way to feed myself. Don’t misunderstand; I took food from those with plenty to spare, so no one went hungry because of my actions, and I stole baubles from those that had enough to feed a small army, so they wouldn’t miss them. I wasn’t just stealing for satisfaction; I was doing it because I had no other option.”

“We do not like thieves around these parts.” Buruzagi’s tail began to uncoil.

“I figured. I’m not a thief any more. I’ve a better way to make a living than that.”

“And what might that be?” She asked testily.

“I do the occasional job for Princess Luna or Celestia. They pay well, so I don’t have to steal. One of the jobs they sent me on is actually the reason I ended up exterminating the kobolds. One of them was terrorizing a small town and I was trying to track it down when I came across four of them defiling some poor woman’s body. I don’t know how or when she died, but they were doing something unforgivable in any case, so I may have gotten a bit upset and tracked down as many as I could and destroyed them. It was actually kind of fun.”

The Elder bellowed out a laugh. “Indeed! What was it you were saying about striking down a weaker foe?”

“In fairness, they were about my size and the only advantage I had was Lupa and a few decent knives. They had numbers on me in spades.”

“I suppose a kobold would be a good match for a creature such as you, but that does not make any sense; if they were your equals, how did you manage to slay them so easily?” Buruzagi asked.

“Well, Lupa was a big help since she drew a lot of their attention, but I guess I’ve just always been good with a knife. Get someone bleeding and make sure they don’t have enough hands to make it stop. Studying basic anatomy seemed to help a lot since cutting a major vein could make someone stop fighting then and there. It helped me a lot whenever I got into a scuffle, but it’s useless without a weapon to help back it up for the most part. I doubt it would ever work against a Naga anyway what with your muscles and scales.”

“It would not. Blows that would fell a kobold would merely serve to infuriate a Naga!” Buruzagi bragged.

“Be that as it may, if we held such information for the nuisances of Gose Baso, it would be easier to slay the beasts. A little more skill when hunting could not hurt.” The Elder added.

“What does that mean, anyway? Gose Baso?”

“In your language, it means ‘Hungry Forest’. Many of the creatures here prey upon each other, unlike the Lasaia Baso, the Quiet Forest. They may touch each other, but they are so vastly different.”

“We call them the Everfree and Whitetail Woods respectively. I actually live rather close to the Whitetail Woods, so if you ever need something that I can provide, feel free to say hello.”

“Our tribe would not trouble you for matters we ourselves could handle.” Buruzagi huffed.

The larger naga made a derisive noise. “If we need your aid, we will call. However, we surely expect you to need us before we bow our heads.

“But you never know. I have a way with the Ponies and a decent mind for clever solutions. It’s a tossup between brilliance and idiocy, but it’s worthwhile to see, I think. I could come in handy some time. I’m not trying to tell you what to do, just offering my services, should you need them.”

“So you are offering your friendship to us?” The Elder asked. “Even after your earlier disagreement?”

“If Lupa trusts you, I trust you. She tends to be a wise wolf.” She licked my cheek and I wrapped an arm around her.

“...Please tell me you are not bedding the wolf.” Buruzagi asked flatly.

“You fuckin’ what, mate?” I looked at Lupa and she snorted.

“She denies that.” The Elder elaborated. Lupa snorted and made a gruff noise. “She says you are quite promiscuous though.”

“Shut up Lupa!” She pushed me over and licked me. “Alright, alright, bugger off!” She let me up.

“It would seem that she is more your master than you hers.” The Elder idly commented.

“I’m not her master. She may consider that of me, but she is and will always be my equal.”

“Nashoba does not agree, but it is good that you do not see her as a mere wolf. I’m sure you’re aware that she is quite special.”

“I am. There’s definitely more to her than meets the eye, and I can’t wait to learn some of her secrets for once.” I gave her the side eye and she looked at me intently.

“We will provide the Hizketan Baia to you before you make you departure, but we must warn you that we do not know whether or not they are poisonous to your kind. We have seen some animals eat them freely, others die after moments. Some have odd reactions, but we do not understand them well enough to warn you of their dangers, so if you have a healer in your town, we suggest that you have them examine them.”

“I’ll do that. Can your kind eat them freely?”

“We cannot. We have stories of spawn that became too fond of their taste and ate many, turning wild themselves. Our tribe believes that it is a matter of the spirit, and that the Hizketan Baia alters the spirit in a way that allows us to commune with the intelligent creatures. These will not allow you to speak to the average creature, but it will allow you to speak to those such as Nashoba.”

“I look forward to it. I never get to perform enough experiments that risk my life so I can talk to animals.”

“Your humor is odd. What manner of creature did you call yourself?” Buruzagi asked.

“I’m a Human. How about I get to that since it’s actually interesting?”

“You are already interesting, human. It makes me curious as to what your people are like.”

I spent the next few hours telling them of as many details as I could remember. Everything from our food to our entertainment, our clothes and culture, and, when properly motivated, how we did the no no cha cha. It was a strange thing, talking about how humans had sex with a trio of giant snake people, but if they wanted to know, modesty wasn’t going to dissuade me from answering their questions. They explained that Nagas treat sex as a sacred thing, only performing it when there’s a full moon which often leads to pent up males and irritable females, but neither of them could explain why it was such a special occasion. They also said that Nagas were very polygamous, preferring not to be held down to one mate, though if two fell in love and denied advances or won challenges from three suitors, that they were left alone come the time of the full moon. I found it to be a bit on the odd side, but it wasn’t really my place to judge. Buruzagi not so subtly hinted that the next full moon was coming soon and that I would be welcome to join them if I felt the desire, but I politely declined, citing my preference to knowing people before I slept with them, and the orgy of cold, scaly fuckers really didn’t sound that appealing in any case.

Night fell and the warmth of the longhouse was nice, but the moment we went outside, the sudden drop of temperature had me coughing up a storm. I felt some warm fluid on my hand and ran back into the longhouse to see what the fuck it was, but it was not red. In fact, it was black and quite scary considering I don’t make a habit of inhaling black things. The Elder told me that it may have been the smoke from the fires since most of the buildings were poorly ventilated, but I was still quite worried, so I made it clear that I wanted to get home and find a doctor. He held me for a while longer so we could get the Hizketan Baia, and he sent me away with a jar full of them. I couldn’t see what exactly they looked like since it was so dark, but I thanked him anyways and followed the escort he had detailed back to the Whitetail woods.

The fellows didn't talk all that much, but what they did say was that if I needed to find my way back, that I should follow the trail we were on. Once we got back to familiar territory, they started breaking down branches so I could find the entrance to the path and I thanked them. I’d have to visit them again some time, but it had been a bit strange to meet them so suddenly. I had spent the day with them and had forgotten about the bullshit that was waiting for me in Ponyville, so I was rather happy anyways. There was a time and a place for snacking, so I would save eating the Hizketan Baia for the next day when I could have Twilight look over them. For the time being, it was a good moment to get some much needed rest.

Today was a little odd, but I’m not complaining. The berries look tasty in the light at home and I had fun trekking through the forest with Lupa and practically hunting with her again. It was nice to have her around again and the Naga actually grow on you after a while. There was just the small part of me not knowing how to get back to them, so that kind of sucked.

In any case, it’s time to sleep. After copying a few more of my old entries into this new book, that is.

I got to wake up on my own the next morning which was quite pleasant. No nightmares, no bullshit, just some good, empty sleep that left me feeling like I woke up on the right side of the planet and had the world in my hands. Such a bright start to my day was rare without coffee, so I resolved to go and make some after a quick shower and shave. What wasn’t nice about my morning was the fact that I walked into my living room and found all five of my friends and Cuntie chilling in my living room. I glanced up at my clock and it told me it was around noon, so I guess they weren’t there at a bad time, though I was only wearing some boxers and a T-shirt which made the situation awkward. They all stared as I slowly backed into my room to put some trousers on.

I came back out and greeted them properly. “Wotcher, trespassers. What’s with the breaking and entering?”

“Dude, why weren’t you wearing pants?” Rainbow asked.

“It’s my house. If I say I don’t want to wear pants, I most certainly will not.”

“As fascinatin’ as your wardrobe situation is, we wanna talk to ya about what happened with your journal, Max.”

“It was an extreme invasion of my privacy, a slap in the face, and the last straw of me dealing with Cuntie. Questions? Comments? Concerns, perhaps? Anyone else want to add something in?” Cuntie sagged deeper into my loveseat as I spoke, her hair straight as an arrow.

“Max, you know she didn’t-” Rarity started.

“Great, I’m going to have to burn my loveseat now. I don’t think any amount of washing is going to get that kind of defilement out of the fabric.”

“Loveseat?” Twilight asked.

“Look, she didn’t-” Rarity began again

“I was rather fond of that loveseat. I guess once it’s covered in trash, it’s just not worth it any more now is it? Is there another furniture shop in town? I don’t believe I’ve seen one.”

“Max… That’s not nice.” Fluttershy said quietly.

“And that, Miss Collywobbles, is accurate and true.” I replied.

“You know Cuntie didn’t mean to hurt you, she just thought it was a prank.” Twilight started.

“How would you feel if I started scribbling in your books Twilight?”

“I would be upset, but I would forgive-”

“No, no, no. I don’t mean your collection, I mean books you yourself wrote. Books that you poured your heart and soul into, something that you put nearly every waking thought and deepest feelings into. How would you feel if someone uncovered your deepest, darkest secrets just for laughs? How would you honestly feel to be exposed from the basest point and laid bare for someone to examine without being able to even offer up a denial of their invasion?”

“I-I…” Twilight shut up.

I leaned against the wall. “Any more questions? Any more observations?” I reviewed the women in the room. No one said anything. “Seriously? Nothing?”

Applejack spoke up. “Max, you’re bein’ a massive ass. Nopony wants you layin’ into ‘em-”

“Have I lied about anything as of yet? Because I’m just being honest with my feelings, which I really shouldn’t have to sugarcoat. If I can’t be truly honest without having to muddle the meaning of what I say through nicety, then what’s the point of talking in the first place? So I can tell people what they want to hear instead of what they need to understand?”

Rainbow scoffed. “Like that makes any sense. If you can’t be nice about how you feel, then you should keep it to yourself!”

“Like how you kept your hands to yourself after I used a Pony slur during my first day on the planet? Because I’m not putting up with you of all people saying that I need to be less acerbic.”

AJ sighed. “Can you at least let a mare apologize?”

I kept looking at Rainbow, seeing that she was biting back a harsh retort. “Anyone can apologize for anything, but if I don’t care to accept the apology, then there’s no point on wasting the time. I don’t care what Cuntie has to say-”

Fluttershy cut me off. “Max, what does ‘cunt’ mean?”

“It’s a Human slur that would be the same as calling a mare a nag, I think. It’s not like whore and whorse, which I’ll hold my tongue on that one.” I shrugged against the wall. “Really, you all could have written me a letter and I could’ve told you that I wasn’t going to let this bullshit slide with Cuntie. I’ve let enough go, and I’m not dealing with her shitty, inconsiderate self anymore. I got a second chance and I tried working with it. Cuntie almost succeeded in taking that from me, and basically caused the whole thing that got me beat up by AJ. Then she waited until right after I broke up with my first official lover on this planet to ask me for sex, based on rumours that I addressed with all of you in the same day. Now she steals from me and you fuckin’ defend it.”

Rarity’s face was growing more and more ruddy. “Maximus, we’re not defending the act itself, it’s the motive-”

“Cuntie walked into my house without my permission to be here, which all of you just did by the way, so thanks for not even waiting to knock-”

“You walk into my house whenever you want!” Twilight protested.

I raised my brows at her and chuckled. “Yeah, so all those times I met Spike at the door or had you answer as I was just about to knock? Moot point, let me try again.” Twilight’s face fell. “It’s not like the library is public, right? Do I really need to knock, unlike everyone else, because you just happen to live where you work? Because people just walk into your house all the time. Which is because it’s public. I generally keep my door locked, so how did you all get in her before I got out of bed again?”

No one answered until Applejack cleared her throat and stepped into the line of fire. “We used magic to get in, but-”

“So you ignored a clear indicator that I was either asleep or out of the house. It’s genuinely disturbing that people just magick their way into my house without telling me.”

“Max, you ain’t got an ounce a’ room to talk. You broke into Sugarcube corner faster than we got in here.”

“To take back something that was taken from me. Have I ever stolen from any of you? Have I ever even asked for more than a hand to get on my feet? Because I’m pretty sure I’ve offered to pay all of your help back with time and hard cash, and there were no takers. I appreciate everything done for me, and I appreciate the forgiveness I’ve earned whenever I messed up. However, none of you can say that I’ve done anything to any of you near what Cuntie has done to me-”

“You threw a knife at me and smashed my face with a thing!” Rainbow shouted.

“After you attacked me and as you were attacking me respectively. You started everything that lead to me throwing a knife at you and I needed to know for sure that you understood that you weren’t going to bumrush me again without consquences. As for the picnic, you’ve admitted to the fact that you were about too jump me from behind, so… Did I not forgive you and you forgive me for that? Because honestly I let so much of the shite you Ponies shovel onto my plate go and I have yet to be thanked for my patience.”

Applejack took a deep breath. “Okay. So what have you let go?”

“Do you really need a list? Or is it that the shite I put up with just goes unnoticed?”

Twilight stood and glared at me. “Darn it, Max! You always act like the world’s out to get you and that’s just not true!”

I smiled at her. “Do you remember the time when you told Celestia we slept in your bed together and you woke up with a funny feeling between your legs? After a night of drinking while you were in estrus?” Twilight’s eyes widened and I leaned in. “Yeah, you nearly got me arrested or sent to Tartarus, because Celestia? She thought I raped you and was a fuckin’ step away from wiping Ponyville down once she finished splattering me against every wall and road hard enough to take a decent hit. You yourself are the reason Celestia gave me this house, and it wasn’t purely through her goodwill. It was a safety move for her since she thought I was trying to sleep with you in a less platonic way than she wanted.”

Rarity stood with her. “Then what have I done to you!?”

I shrugged. “We don’t spend much time together for you to really have a chance, but there’s always the fact that not even an hour passed when you were ‘babysitting’ my unstable arse before you started getting snippy because I slept with Applejack. We’re not anything other than friends, and you had no right to talk down to me for what I did with another consenting adult.”

Fluttershy and Applejack didn’t even bother with anything, so I met Rarity’s gaze when she said, “Then perhaps you should be less of a whorse and more of an upstanding stallion!”

“Oh, I’m a whore? Because my second day in town, you were all too happy to throw yourself at me just because I have a cock.” I snapped back. “You barely even spent two hours with me and you were happy to hang from my arm with your tits up against me, so who’s the real whorse, Bonny?”

Rarity coloured. “You are such a- a- a horrible stallion! You say all of these terrible things about Ponies who are supposed to be your friends!”

“Let me know when I lie or say anything untrue then, because I forgive you lot for a good number of things I would usually hold a grudge for.”

“Oh, you are so infuriating! You get so angry and say such terrible things to ponies who want nothing but good things for you! If you weren’t so busy being a selfish, hateful stallion, you could see that ponies make mistakes!”

I stared at her and leaned in, my Chav bubbling up and taking control of my tongue. “... Mistakes? Ya really think I don’t understand, that I of all the people ya know, don’t understand what it’s like to want to be forgiven for a mistake? Because I made a lotta mistakes in England, Rarity, and I wasn’t extended the courtesy of forgiveness on more than one occasion out of a given year, and even then I still paid for what I did. Twilight almost got my life fucked up. I forgave her and what happened to her? Nothing. Twilight felt bad. Applejack nearly killed me with her bare hands and what happened? I was livid, but I forgave her and we’re doing better since she learned something from it. Fluttershy and I made a mistake, but we started taking steps to make things better because we both learned something and we forgave each other for the arguments and harsh words. Rainbow and I? Every time we’ve fought we’ve forgiven each other, and I forgive you for talking down to me all the time. Cuntie? Cuntie stabbed me in the back with my past, spit on my pride by trying to fuck me because apparently I’m just a cock to ride, right?”

Rarity exploded with, “And you’re damn right about that, Darling! You might as well just be a cute face and a piece of-”

“Rarity!” Applejack snapped.

She was being stared at while I was contemplating a response. “Who’s worse, Rarity? The person who’s been used their entire life or the people who use them? Because you know I was already used in that exact same way and you just want your slice of me, right? The cock closest to you that you can barely tolerate-

“Max, calm down.” Applejack got in between myself and Rarity.

“Calm down? This woman calls me a prostitute and you want me to calm down? I lay out half of the reasons I’m getting fed up with the circle of friends I have and what? I’m wrong?” I opened my mouth to say some more and come out with something that would really slam them, but AJ had taken my shoulders in her hands and was staring into my eyes.

“You’re pissed. We’re all feelin’ some kind a’ way. We don’t gotta talk no more, okay? This ain’t goin’ any further today, Max.”

“And another thing-” Rarity started to speak again, but her mouth was clamped shut with purple magic.

“You too, Rarity. I hate seeing my friends argue like this.” Twilight looked at her and Rarity relented, taking her outside. Cuntie had disappeared along with Rainbow sometime during the period where voices had been raised and now it was just Applejack, Fluttershy and I.

I grabbed Applejack’s hands from my arms and held them between us, looking down at them. She held mine firmly and pursed her lips to the side. “... Max-”

“Rarity and Pinkie are two of the people I question my friendship with most.”

“You must be mad at me too.” She said softly.

“I was for a few hours when we last saw each other, but you’re a good friend, Applejack. When I’m right and you get why I say what I do, you stand up for me. When I’m wrong and being an ass, you call me out. Nothing you’ve done other than the fight has ever been enough to actually earn you more than a jab, sharp or soft.”

“Is… Why is that…?” She asked even softer.

“You’re an honest woman with a big, open heart and a vastly open mind. You wouldn’t steer me wrong, and I doubt your conscience would ever let you do it anyway. You actually try to understand why I’m mad instead of just getting mad right back at me.”

“I don’t know how to take that as an insult, so I guess I can only say thank you.” She gave me a little smile.

“You know, if it had been just about anyone else, they would’ve gotten shoved so I could keep arguing.”

“That’s just mean.”

“It’s not a lie.” I shrugged.

“What about Fluttershy?” We both looked to her and she hid behind her hair.

“Sho- Well, picked up and moved.”

“Rainbow?”

“Shoved.”

“Twilight?”

“Shoved for a different reason.”

“What reason is that?”

“Magic is bullshit and she uses it against me too often.”

“That’s not the best reason.”

“It’s good enough for me. Just take the compliment, will you?”

Applejack pursed her lips and looked around. “So, what if it was Celestia?”

I didn’t even have to think about it. “Kissed and then shoved.”

“How the hay are ya gonna kiss somepony then shove ‘em?” She asked, bewildered.

I leaned in and kissed her, then hooked my foot around her leg and pushed her, making her land flat on her ass. I offered her a hand up.

“Like that. You shouldn’t set yourself up so easily, love.”

Applejack took my hand and pulled me down with her. “And you shouldn’t be pushin’ mares that can do that.” She got to her hooves and I followed soon after.

“Oh, we would wrestle right now if I didn’t know for a fact that you’d have to take it extra easy on me.” I grinned at her.

Applejack grabbed me anyway and wrapped me up in a hug from behind. “So what? Now you’re just gonna be all nice and crap?”

“Cuntie’s gone and Rarity’s shutting up right about now, so it’s a good time to feel good.” Fluttershy was still sitting on my sofa, watching us, though there was something in her gaze that made me curious. “What’s up, Fluttershy?”

“H-How can you go from almost shouting at somepony to being happy and j-joking around?” She asked.

“Well, the scum that was on my loveseat fucked off and the liar went away, so my two biggest problems aren’t here right now. Plus, have you had Applejack gaze lovingly into your eyes before?” Applejack gently knocked her noggin against back of my head and I rubbed thje affected area. “Sorry, I meant have you ever been creepily stared at while angry?” She tried again and I ducked.

Fluttershy just looked at me and gave me an exasperated smile. “You don’t make any sense, Max.”

“Would you rather me stay mad and sucker punch Applejack so I can keep making everyone in the room feel like shit? Because that was pretty much the alternative.”

“I only gave ya that one freebie ‘cause ya were drunk, sugarcube. Try it again and I’ll hit back.”

“Does that include kisses? Because if that’s the case you owe me one.”

Applejack rolled her eyes and Fluttershy giggled. “So you’re doing… St-Stuff with Applejack?”

AJ answered for me. “Whenever the mood strikes. It’s actually kinda nice to not feel obligated to be around somepony you also cuddle and do the other stuff with.”

Fluttershy smiled a little more. “... It’s been a little while since I’ve had a chance to come over…”

“I don’t mind sharin’.”

“And I don’t really mind spending my time with two of the most beautiful friends I’ve ever had.” Applejack let me go and I did a little clap. “Can I get either of you anything? Tea, coffee, a bite to eat?”

“I could use a cup of coffee.” Applejack said.

“I’d like a cup of tea, please.” Fluttershy added.

I prepared both and chatted with them a while longer, which was nice. We caught up on the general inanities of life that had taken place since we’d last talked, though it was mostly Fluttershy going on about how her animals were doing. I now thought it was less crazy for her to talk to her animals since I had seen Nagas actually carry on a conversation with Lupa, and speaking of them, apparently neither had ever heard of Nagas, despite them living so close, which I found to be interesting. I had had plenty of coffee as I was sitting between them and had to use the restroom once or twice, and the last time I went, I found them suddenly ceasing a conversation as I walked back in. For a moment I was worried about them carrying on with the conversation that our friends had been talking about, but I decided to break the ice with a joke.

“I washed my hands, I swear.”

“Right. Have a seat, Max.” Applejack patted the space between them.

“I’d rather stay standing, thank you. Better for the blood flow, it is.”

“Please, Max?” Fluttershy asked sweetly, batting her eyelashes at me.

It was quite suspect, but I didn’t think either of them were going to do anything too bad, so I sat and waited. “So… I’m sitting.”

“You sure are.” Applejack said far too brightly.

“Mhm!” Fluttershy hummed.

I sat and twiddled my thumbs. “Well…”

“So, Max. How would you feel about spending some quality time with Fluttershy and I?”

“I’m perfectly fine with that, but weren’t we already spending some quality time together?”

“Well, we’re not talking about right now,” Fluttershy clarified, “But maybe later tonight.”

I looked at her. “...What kind of quality time are we talking about?”

“Not that kind! We just want to know if you’d be up for some platonic cuddling!” Applejack explained.

“So you’re not asking me for a threesome?” I inquired.

Fluttershy lit up. “N-No! I know you’re not interested in me like that…”

It was obvious as to where they were trying to take the conversation, but I didn’t know what to say. “Um… That’s not really true, I just wasn’t sure if that kind of stuff was what you would want outside of that special week..

“I honestly see why ya feel that way. Flutters ain’t the type to say what she wants, but I just want you to know that if I swung that way, I’d be all over Fluttershy. Real pretty mare.”

The buttery mare stroked her hair. “Th-Thank you, but I don’t think Max feels quite the same way...”

“Yeah, see, I’m gonna stop you girls right there. You’re twenty years too late to try and corner me like this. The next thing you’re going to say,” I turned to Applejack, “is something along the lines of ‘I sure wonder why that is.’ and then Fluttershy will respond with ‘I don’t know, maybe we could ask him?’.” They both found great interest in my home decor after that. I sighed. “Look, if you want to know, just ask me to be honest with you. I’m getting out of my bad habits for the most part.”

Applejack and I looked to Fluttershy who tried to hide. AJ rolled her eyes. “Gee, Max, do you find Fluttershy attractive?”

“Of course I do. She’s hotter than a twenty-meter tall bonfire and twice as nice to look at.”

“So… Wh-Why haven’t you stopped by?” Fluttershy asked quietly.

“I’ve been trying to spend more time with everyone in the circle since there’s not much I can do with everyone all at once. I guess I was just waiting for the right moment.”

“Is now a good time for that moment?” Applejack asked.

“It’s a very good time for cuddles, but-”

“W-Well...” Fluttershy tapered off.

Applejack just spelled it out for her. “I think what Flutters is tryin’ to say is that she wants an agreement like the one we have.”

“Fluttershy?” I asked gently. “Is that what you want? Not a romantic relationship?” She nodded, but she didn’t look terribly sure about it. “Then I need to hear you ask.”

“M-Max-”

“No, not like that. Take a deep breath, Miss Collywobbles.” She did. “Look me in the eye.” Fluttershy turned to me, struggling to maintain eye contact. I took her hands and squeezed them and her eyes flicked downwards. “Up here, please.” It took her a moment, but she peeled her eyes away. “Now, is there something you want to ask me?”

She took another deep breath. “Max. I love you.”

I was fucking floored.

“What?” Applejack asked from behind me.

Fluttershy just blushed and maintained eye contact, struggling not to let her face move too much. “I think Fluttershy just told me she loves me.” I answered.

“That’s what I thought I heard. I’m just gonna take a quick walk.” Applejack went to stand.

“Wait!” Fluttershy cried. We both looked at her. “I know you don’t feel the same way, but I… I just wanted you to know that I love you and I don’t think it’s going to change anytime soon but I still want to be with you and I don’t want to lie to you and let you think that if we did enter an agreement that I just suddenly started feeling this way even though I just told you, and I know that you’re not the nicest stallion and I’m ready to accept that but I still want to try being with you and I promise I won’t push you to change like I was and I’ll respect your privacy and-”

I put a finger on her lips to forestall any more of her rapid fire talking. “Fluttershy, that is the most I’ve ever heard you say in one go. Breathe.” She started hyperventilating, so I cupped her face in my hands gently. “Breathe slower.” It took her a minute or two, but she finally managed to calm down.

“Are you sure I can’t take that walk?” Applejack asked nervously.

“Please don’t!” Fluttershy squeaked.

“Alright, sugarcube.”

I coughed a couple times. “So… You know I’m a proper knob, yeah?”

“I-I don’t know what that means…”

“It means I’m mean on my good days and worse on my bad ones. What you saw earlier with Cuntie and Rarity were very good examples.

“Who’s Cuntie, anyways?” Applejack asked.

“The pink cunt.”

“... You said that’s like calling a mare a nag...” Fluttershy stated.

I spread my hands and lifted my brows. “See what I mean? I wasn’t even trying and I’m still a prick.”

“He’s right, Fluttershy. Ya gotta have a thick skin to deal with him most days. Hay, even some of his compliments sound like insults.”

“I know what I want! You can’t change my heart on this!” She whispered. I’d say she shouted, but with her, there’s not much of a difference.

“I’m not trying to dissuade you, just warning you. We’ll see how this goes, but don’t say I didn’t give you a proper heads up, poppet.” I couldn’t turn her down in good faith since I had seen the better side of her, but I was still nervous about ruining our friendship.

“Thank you Max! You won’t regret this!” Fluttershy beamed at me with tears in her eyes and latched onto me, which I hoped wasn't an omen.

I returned her hug after a moment, but when she didn’t let go, I looked to Applejack for help and she just looked worried.

“Fluttershy?” I asked.

“Yes?”

“Can you let go, please? My ribs are creaking.” She pulled away with a blush on her face and a smile on her lips, which made me rather happy. Fluttershy folded her hands and looked at me.

She didn’t say anything.

“Hey Fluttershy, why don’t we go check up on Rarity? I think Max here is gonna be just fine.” Applejack offered me an out, for which I was extremely grateful.

“Oh, I guess we could.” She didn’t look too happy about that, but she rose to join Applejack anyway.

“Oi, when you two come back, be sure to bring something to drink. Like some of your special tea, or some cider. All I have is water, liquor, and like, some juice I think that I’m going to drink here in a second.”

Applejack chuckled and rubbed her cheek with the backs of her fingers. “I’ll grab some cider on my way from the house.”

Fluttershy beamed. “Is there any kind of tea you’d like?”

“Anything black like Pearl Grey or a solid, malty kind of tea. Bitter is better, but I have a fondness for floral too.”

“I have the perfect tea! It’s a Briddish blend, but it’s very strong!”

I rose and let Applejack lead the way to the door. “Then I look forward to having a cuppa with you. Don’t do anything too silly while you’re gone, okay?”

I saw them out, said some goodbyes, and went to take a few shots to steady my nerves. I was stressed the fuck out, and didn’t really want to worry them, so I had kept it to myself. It didn’t help that Fluttershy’s confession of love had blindsided me to high heaven and that Applejack had seemed upset about the ordeal, both of which were weighing on me. I couldn’t talk to Lupa because she was nowhere to be found, so I decided to get on with my day and go talk to Twilight so she could analyze the Hizketan for me, even if it was a bad time to even try and ask for any kind of favour. In my mind, giving her something to examine and otherwise be generally knowledgeable about would probably be good for maintaining our connection as it was, so I grabbed a jacket for the fall air and went to see the wizard.

After I got to stepping, Fluttershy was still running rampant in my mind, and my argument with Rarity irking me to no end. I was quite annoyed by both events, and the only saving grace I had was that Cuntie had gotten the hell out of my house before I had to look at her again. It wasn’t even that big of a boon since I still had to get rid of my loveseat via fire and flames, but still. Talking with Applejack and Fluttershy had been pleasant, but the latter portion of the conversation had killed my mood something fierce. I suppose being loved should have made me happy, but my previous reservations about a relationship with her still existed and it didn’t help that Applejack’s presence had made me feel awfully forced into agreeing. It wasn’t that I didn’t see the positive prerogative to being with Fluttershy, it was more along the lines of me not wanting to fuck up and ruin our entire relationship by being too callous or otherwise shitty as a person. Feeling obligated to give her a chance to prove that she’s every bit as sweet and generally wonderful as I thought she was kind of sucked. I doubted that I was going to regret it soon, but I still felt like I’d been pushed into it with Applejack knowing exactly how I’d felt, and that kind of sucks.

Having arrived at Twilight’s rather irritated and more than a bit salty, I knocked a bit harder than I had intended the first time but regulated myself for the next two, reminding myself that Twilight hadn’t done anything to me, so taking my frustrations out on her was unfair and more prickish than I wanted to come off as. Spike answered the door with a smile that evaporated forthwith.

“Oh. Hey dude.”

“What’s up, Spike?”

He glared at me. “Rarity has dated a young guy before!”

“Okay. How young was he?”

“Fifteen!”

“How old was she?”

“... That doesn’t matter!”

“Okay… It kind of does though.”

“I’m still gonna ask her out!”

“Oh, cool. I really hope it goes well for you, Bruv. Always a chance she’ll say yes.”

“Yeah! And she won’t be seeing you anymore!”

“... Alright? I’m not going to fight with you over this.”

“You shouldn’t! Because I’ll love her like she deserves!” Yeah, sure. Okay. Cool story, bruv.

We stood and he glared at me for a while. “So is Twilight here?”

“If she was, I wouldn’t tell you.”

“... Why not?”

“Because you suck!”

“I also lick, and I lick more than I suck.”

“Go away already!”

“Yeah, not happening right now. I still need to talk to Twilight.”

“Well, maybe you can take the time to- to- Uh… Buck off!”

“That’s pretty rude.”

Spike slammed the door and I went on my way to find… Well shit. I couldn’t very well ask Rainbow where Twilight was because she was most likely with Cuntie, and I couldn’t ask Applejack or Fluttershy because they were heading over to Rarity’s, which is where Twilight probably was. There wasn’t much I could do besides go home and fuck around since I had apparently burned the fuck out of the bridge between Spike and I, so what else was there to do while I was in town? I thought about it as I walked towards town square and it hit me; I could go shopping! I had never really had the chance to do so in England and it was more of a necessary chore here, so shopping for fun could be an interesting experience. While trying to think of the crap that I needed in general, I considered my soap status and decided to get some more scented oils to diffuse around my house since I like good smells. Now that I had grown tired of smelling like sandalwood all the time, I was wondering if I could get away with something unscented since I already smelled like chocolate and fruit to Ponies. With a destination in mind, I sallied forth and carried on with my afternoon.

I ended up buying some soap that smelled like nothing and got some soothing essential oils to use with the oil diffuser I bought, foregoing the spray variety since I wanted something new.my favorite was a rather musky, heavy scent that I would have to use lightly, but it would do. The rest of the town didn’t hold too much, so I started shopping for a new loveseat at a place called ‘Firefly’s Fantastic Furniture!’. They had some interesting wares, but there was a piece that was slightly larger than my current loveseat that I found myself very fond of, so I bought it and hired some movers to bring it over. They put it on a wagon and I lead them to my place, having them throw out my old chair and bring in the new one. It matched my current layout better than the last one had, and I actually smiled because of it. I hadn’t realized that I cared until I had done something about it and wondered what else I didn’t like about my house. I noticed that the walls seemed eerily bare, so I followed the movers back to town and went shopping for a few paintings to liven the place up. Unfortunately, there weren’t any specialty stores that held wall decorations like the ones I was looking for in town, but I did find that there were a few scattered about in different shops that were all done by the same three or four artists artists. I picked up a frame that portrayed the Whitetail Woods in beautiful, rich blues and bright whites and greys, while another I had purchased was more of a cityscape that was overall lighter and cast mostly in greys and blacks, which was quite contrasting to the generally vibrant tones that plagued Ponyville. Shopping around some more, I picked up a few tasteful wall sconces and some masculine candles that smelled phenomenal.

I went home and realized that I had forgotten to grab hanging nails or a hammer, so out I went to the local hardware store to find some. The layout of the hardware shop made no sense, but I found everything I needed eventually and bought some carpentry supplies so I could start a hobby that I had always wanted to do. Heavily laden with a massive stack of crap, I made my way back home again as the sun was setting. Shopping had actually been fun and I was looking forward to doing it again some time, perhaps with Fluttershy since we were apparently an item. It was odd to think that I had two girlfriends again, but I could technically count Applejack as one and not be entirely wrong. However, the nature of my relationship with Applejack was a lot different than any I’d ever had before, having it largely be based off of mutual respect and admiration for the other party’s character. I tried not to think too much, but I never do well with that and I didn’t really succeed anyway.

Setting myself to do the task I had made for myself helped clear my mind and I began finding proper places for my paintings. I decided that the large blue one would go in my living room behind my couch and that the other would go on the wall in front of my bed. I was sure I could have put them in better places, but I liked where they were and didn’t want to mar my walls any further, so I left them where they were and set up my wall sconces on either side of my blue painting. It went well with the general theme of the room, so I went out to my back porch and started making myself a work table. If I didn’t want it to get ruined by the weather, I was going to have to get a tarp or something of the like to cover it, though the skies seemed to be darkening rapidly as I took my time in getting set up. The darkness fell fast for some reason and I wondered what the bloody fuck was happening.

A dark rain cloud was being pushed directly over my house and I had a sneaking suspicion as to who was doing the pushing of said cloud. Since I knew Pegasi were responsible for the weather and that Rainbow Dash was the leading Weather Mare, it couldn’t be none other than her that was trying to literally rain on my parade. As the first few drops began to fall, I moved my lumber inside so I could at least save it from getting wet before I put my laquer on it and pondered why Rainbow was being a cunt. I knew not forgiving Cuntie had probably not gone over well with her, but I was still a friend of hers at the moment and hadn’t blown up at Rainbow personally, so I figured that she would just fuck off and not talk to me. After all, I had the right to be mad, and I had every right to choose who I called friend, but apparently half of my ‘friends’ were blind to the sheer amount of shit I’ve already had to forgive. As for Rainbow personally, I owed her to a point, but I paid that favour back already and she accepted it for what it was. When the booming thunder started, I quickly came to the conclusion that I was going to end up ending that friendship if she put anything else on my plate for bullshit reasons..

Looking outside told me that it was a torrential downpour that was likely going to ruin my lawn and porch if I didn’t put a stop to it, but as I peered out of my window to see if I could catch her attention, Rainbow’s signature trail zoomed across the sky toward Ponyville. I could deal with a bit of rain having been born in a northern oceanic climate, especially since there were times when it felt like the sun would never shine again. Hell, this time I had a real house to keep me warm and dry anyway. I was better off in Ponyville with magic weather rather than freezing my arse off at the church and cursing myself for not charging enough batteries for my electric heater.

Kerosene. Very wise choice, a little too volatile to be drunk around.

I had some time to myself inside and set my mind to writing a brief short story that was just smutty romance from start to finish. It struck me that I might have company and wasn’t sure if I wanted to show any prior arousal for a time with my friend and girlfriend, but then I thought about it and realized I’d had both of them and could potentially clear the bad vibes with a fucking threesome if I played my cards correctly. Fluttershy was soft with a bit of firmness that all pointed toward the perfect cuddle buddy, but Applejack was solid with a touch of tenderness that was also rather nice for cuddling. I ended up writing about some things I might’ve liked to do with them and set myself to not be let down if they didn’t show up. However, Fluttershy and Applejack let themselves into my house again around eight and they were both soaked when they stood on the small portion of tile by the door.

I’d gotten up and was going for some towels. “Well, it’s nice to see that you two are-”

“Max, why the buck is the rain only in this one spot?” Applejack interrupted.

“I think it’s the thing with Cuntie.” I heard her sigh as I walked away, but I came back with two towels for each of them since hair. “If you ask me, then she’s being rather childish about the whole ordeal. She’s abusing her position and attacking the person who was right in the first place. I keep saying that I put up with a lot of shit and it kinda just pops up.” As if to prove my words, the thirteenth house shaking clap of thunder rolled in.

“Maybe you should just forgive Cuntie and let it slide, just this once.” Applejack suggested hopefully.

“Nope. I already gave her a second chance and it burned me when she turned around and asked me for sex without apologizing for spying on me in the first place. I gave her a third chance after that and she’s completely blown it. I got a new loveseat, by the way” I pointed to it.

“What happened to your old one?” Fluttershy inquired softly.

“It’s out back, on my porch. Once it dries out, I’m going to have a bonfire.”

“...You’re actually just going to waste a perfectly good piece of furniture just because Cuntie sat on it?” Applejack asked slowly.

“Yup. I follow through on what I say I’ll do. Just be happy I didn’t dropkick her like I said I would. That time I guess I didn’t follow through.”

“Max…” Fluttershy expressed some discomfort and I gave her a bright smile.

“Sugarcube, that’s so petty, I don’t even know what to say.” Applejack seemed awfully disappointed.

“Then don’t say anything about it and come on in! I got a painting and some sconces while I was out and about for the day. What do you think? Livens up the place a bit, no?”

They cautiously walked in a bit further, having partially dried off enough to not be dripping.. “They’re very nice, Max, but I think you’re taking this thing with Cuntie too far…” Fluttershy voiced her opinion.

“No, too far would be going to her flat, cursing her out again for the fucks of it, and tearing apart her room so I could find something precious worth taking just because I want to prove a point. Neither of you can honestly tell me that I’m not being way more mild about this than I could be or that I’m wrong to despise someone who keeps wronging me without even thinking about the repercussions of their actions. Both of you see where I’m coming from and are on my side, you just don’t want me to be mean to your friend and I understand that, but my patience was already thin with Pinkie.” I shrugged. “Do you two want some robes or something? I know the fur has got to be a little chilly when wet, and we can throw your clothes in the dryer.”

Fluttershy gaped. “Max… You- You said that so casually...”

“Because it’s all either an honest opinion or a fact. I don’t like lying to people I’m supposed to be close to, so I’m just going to be honest when I try to get something across. Isn’t that what you all wanted me to do anyway?”

“W-Well-”

“Don’t answer that, Fluttershy, he’s baitin’ ya so you’ll say something he can build off of and make it into somethin’ that ya probably don’t wanna get into. You gotta learn to watch what you say around Max or it’ll bite ya in the flank faster than you can blink.”

“I like you, AJ, you’re a smart cookie. I wish you’d stop ruining my fun, but I’m glad you stepped in before I hurt Flutters’ feelings.”

She gave me a look and a little grin. “No problem, ya pompous ass. Speakin’ of, you gotta watch what you say, too, buster. Fluttershy’s more sensitive than most ponies and I don’t want ya startin’ trouble with everypony. I’ll stop defendin’ ya at some point.”

“Eh, only when I’m wrong and refuse to acknowledge it. Seriously though, it’s a little brisk in here to me and I’m dry. Both of you look half frozen.”

“I-I’d like to dry off a little more…” Fluttershy said softly, pouting at me. “... Max?”

“Yes, Miss Collywobbles?”

She smiled a little. “... Do I really have to be careful with what I say to you?”

“I’ll try not to twist your words unless I think it’ll make you giggle. I’ll also not insult you unless it’s a backhanded compliment.”

The ladies rolled the eyes and Applejack said, “Grab them robes, ya nut. We’ll change in the guest room.”

“Okay, time to set up the hidden camera-”

“Or ya could just sit in and we could talk more…?” Flutters suggested.

Applejack shrugged. “I ain’t complainin’.”

Oh, this is gonna go somewhere. Most definitely. “Sure, sounds like I’m leading the way. Oh, and if you drip on my floors, I’ll spank you.”

“I been drippin’ this entire time, Sugarcube.”

“M-Me too…”

“Then we’re in for a good night if you ask me.” I took off toward the guest room and they followed while giggling.

Applejack and Fluttershy were both kind enough to hand me their soggy clothes instead of putting them on something that could be stained, but it was mostly just nice to see two completely different forms of feminine grace in the same space, and it wasn’t just that they were getting naked. AJ and Flutters complemented each other with the former being rough and ready for anything if you promised drinking to be involved and the latter was the perfect partner for a warm night at home with a book and cuddles. Even the way they undressed spoke a little about who they were as people with Applejack not giving a shit about letting me see some familiar sights and stripping quickly. She was already drying off by the time Fluttershy got her bra off, which she asked for help with. I didn’t jump at the opportunity, but I did make sure to do it with one hand because it was fun. I may have caressed her wing a little since she’d kept her back to me the entire time, though I noticed her tail swaying when she finally got to removing her panties. It was like a pendulum of follicles specifically for the purpose of hiding the source of sweetness that had given me my first taste of a virgin.

We chatted casually while Fluttershy finished drying off and I avoided staring at any point since, even though I basically had all consent needed to have a gander, it just isn’t polite. I mostly focused on Applejack since it was hard to get more than two words out of the buttery one while she was au naturale. We headed back to the living room and they waited for me to sit on the couch before making any move to join me. Applejack sat on my left side and Fluttershy, as if on cue, sat in my lap and draped her hooves over Applejack. She held her robe closed and I couldn’t help the hug I gave her, chuckling when I did because I didn’t really feel obligated to be with her. It took a few hours to realize, but I actually wanted to be with Fluttershy, I just didn’t want to be a bad boyfriend as I assumed I’d be. When she hugged me back, it just made me happy that she wanted more than sex and cuddles from me and that was enough to brighten the day.

“So how was your time away from Maison de Max? Anyone have a conniption while I was sprucing up the house and home?”

“Fine, though Rarity’s still upset with you.” Applejack remarked evenly, taking my arm and resting her head on my shoulder while Fluttershy wiggled a bit and came to rest against me. “It’ll probably blow over when she sees that Cuntie was wrong and that you really aren’t being as mean as you could be, but Rainbow’s a different story.”

“I’m sure she’ll be fine in a few days, she just needs to cool down. It does bother me that she’s often the first to take a stance against me. As for Rainbow, I’m getting to the point where I don’t care for her company either.” I remarked

Applejack interlaced my fingers with her and drew a triangle on the back of my hand, which I found very appropriate. “We’ve talked to Rarity, and it’s just that she expects more from ya, Max. She thinks you’re a better fella than you pretend to be, even if you are changing. Rainbow’s just a nag and I wouldn’t blame ya at this point. She ain’t been too friendly to ya, but she did save your life...”

“If I was as good as so many of you Ponies say I am, I would’ve just slugged Pinkie’s arm and let it go. It takes a lot to earn my enmity for any real period of time and she’s done a lot, so when we’re this far into the bullshit, I would like to think my friends understand that I just got fed up with it. I’ll stand my ground to Rarity or Rainbow any day.”

“We do get it, but Rainbow and Rarity think you’re just being cruel for the sake of it, and the nickname you’ve given Cuntie doesn’t really prove them wrong.” Fluttershy replied.

Applejack tapped the center of her triangle and started again. “You know I get your side of it pretty well. Once bitten twice shy and all that, and I don’t remember you ever forgivin’ Cuntie for eavesdroppin’ on ya in the Lock Pad or for telin’ me about your past, and I know she didn’t actually say sorry when we all came over. She didn’t apologize at all when ya broke in, come to think of it.”

“I never did forgive her because she never apologized. That was just one of the shitty things.”

“So if she apologized for it, would you forgive her?” Fluttershy inquired.

“Hell no. If she can proposition me without ever bringing it up, then she obviously never felt bad about it. The constant propositioning was strike two, by the way.”

Applejack drew a hexagon. “And strike three was the journal?”

“Yup.”

“So nopony else has crossed a line three times with you?” She asked, confused.

“Not without showing remorse at least or me being partially at fault. I may have had multiple rows with Celestia and Fluttershy,” I pinched the yellow mare’s arm and she swatted at my hand softly since I didn’t do it very hard, “but those were mutual things. I did something that upset them and they let me know, which ended with arguing and once with a kiss.”

Applejack stopped her doodling. “So it’s okay because everypony involved was angry?”

“No, it’s okay because it never went past harsh words. There was no revealing of secrets, no theft, and no personal injury to either party.”

She flipped my hand over and started tapping a beat onto my palm. You’re an odd one at first glance, but the more ya explain things, the better I think I understand ya. You’re a private fella who doesn’t like to open up to people, but you’ll do it if ya feel you need to. You’re mean at times, but I think it’s more that you’re dedicated to a good joke or that you want people to learn from what you believe are mistakes rather than just bein’ an ass for the sake of it. How am I doin’ so far?”

“You’re hitting the nail on the head for the most part. Sometimes I am mean for the sake of it, but that’s the culture I was raised into; we take the piss and let it all go, so that’s why I don’t really get offended at insults that aren’t direct and to the point. I really can’t hold grudges for arguments since it’s just someone’s honest opinion and everyone gets pissed off when they feel ignored. That, and if I’m going at it with someone, then they obviously have something on their mind that’s bothering them, so I can’t really stay mad about someone finding a way to get their frustrations out. I’d say it’s an English thing, arguing, but it’s just as British.”

“What’s the difference?” Fluttershy nuzzled up to me and I started playing with her ears..

She sighed as I said, “Well, I’m from the country of England, but Britain is like a small coalition of a few other countries that are on the same island, like Wales and Scotland.”

“Oh, you mean like island of Whales, Scotchland and Bridleland?” Fluttershy asked.

“...Fucking gross. I guess Scotchland is accurate, though, since the Scots in my world were a bunch of drunks.”

“The Scotch ponies here are famous for their ale, but not for scotch. They actually get their name from butterscotch. Scotch butterscotch is the best in the world.” Applejack sighed.

“Please don’t tell me you coat apples in butterscotch.” I groaned.

She lifted her head from my shoulder and looked at me. “That may be the best idea I’ve ever heard.”

I shivered and pretended to gag. “Butterscotch is terrible and you’re a monster for even thinking of soiling your tasty little fruits with such an awful substance.”

“I like it…” Fluttershy stated.

“So do I.” Applejack tried to mess with my nose until I gently bit her finger. She wiggled her hand about and I got her digit between flatter teeth so I wouldn’t hurt her. “Let go, ya goober!”

I sucked her finger for a second before moving my head away. “Both of you are some kind of crazy, and it actually explains why you enjoy my company.”

Applejack rolled her eyes and laid her head back where it had been, stroking Fluttershy’s leg because she could. “You say that like ya have no self confidence, but I think we know better.”

I toyed with Fluttershy’s ears and she giggled while they flicked about. “No, you’re actually right on that to a point. I have the odd problem of thinking that I’m the coolest sentient being on the planet while simultaneously hating myself to the core.”

“How do you even manage that?” Applejack scoffed. “It’s easy to tell that if you had a clone you’d hate it, but how can ya go from lovin’ the stallion in the mirror to wantin’ to choke him?”

“A beautiful balance of self-loathing and narcissism. What about you, Applejack? What do you think of yourself?”

“Well, I think I’m just your average-” I chuckled as she spoke, “What’s so funny?”

“You are most definitely not average, but please, continue.”

“As I was saying, just an average country mare with a big heart, a thick hide, and honesty pourin’ from every pore.”

“That’s pretty true, except for the average part. You might be the most normal to me of my friends, but none of you are average. You specifically are fuckin’ hot in a small-town kind of way, you’re wiser than the average Pony, and more thoughtful than most. Not much about you is average AJ.”

“... A-Am I average?” Fluttershy asked softly.

I snorted at that. “Please. Your pure, unadulterated adorableness is a sugar rush every time I see you and you’re absolutely stacked in the looks department. Applejack has the condensed cuddles, you have the squish n’ snuggles. You excel in every little category you fall into, and so does AJ in my book” She smiled shyly and I made some kiss noises at her until she gave me what I wanted, blushing and giggling before and after.

“Speakin’ of your book, is what’s goin’ on right now gonna go into it?”

“Everything goes in there. What I think about what I wake up, what I cook for Lupa, what I did all day and all the conversations I have. Everything.”

Applejack squeezed my hand. “So when you say everything, do you mean in great detail too, or just mentions?”

“I put in a good bit of detail, though there are a few things I leave out. Mostly because I just don’t think they’re terribly important or pertinent to providing an accurate picture of my life. I skip the days when I’m not doing much by just putting what goes on in a paragraph or a few sentences so I don’t get bored if I ever decide to read back through them. One day, I plan on sharing them with Celestia so we can have a laugh or just talk about it.”

Fluttershy sat up. “Why Princess Celestia in particular?”

“Well, it’s Celestia. What else can I say?”

“... Will you ever share them with me?”

“That’s… It’s up for negotiation, just not right now. It’s kind of-”

“Well, I want to see you journal too.” Applejack added.

“Not happening anytime soon, and that goes for both of you. If I ever feel the desire to let you into my mind, I will, albeit begrudgingly, answer your questions. The only reason I want to share my journals with Celestia is because my days are numbered and hers are not. When I’m dead and gone, I want her to have something to remember me by.”

“That’s real sweet, Sugarcube, but kinda depressing.”

“No shit. Dying doesn’t sound like the happiest prospect, but it’s something we all do eventually, save for Celestia and Luna apparently.”

“That’s just the way Alicorns are, I suppose. Nopony’s ever seen one die.” Applejack explained

“No one you know of, at least. How about we get off of this depressing topic and go back to cuddling? You girls are awfully cuddleable.”

“Well...” They said in unison.

Applejack spoke first. “I got a question, Max.”

“Yes?”

“How much of uh… Well, how much of that day I spent with ya before Rarity took over did ya write down?”

I felt my face heat up and I scratched at my face as Fluttershy pulled away and put a hand on my chest. “That’s my question too.”

“It’s a lovely night for a walk, isn’t it? Why don’t we kip on over to somewhere this conversation isn’t happening?”

“Max,” Applejack didn’t sound angry per se, “how much detail did you put in there?”

“Well, you see, I consider it a rather important occurrence and there’s a delicate balance-”

“You’re tryin’ to dodge the question and it ain’t workin’. I want to see that part in particular since it’s me in there. That’s not askin’ too much, is it?”

“Well, I suppose it’s fair, but it’s rather personal-”

“D-Did you write about us too…?”

“Well, yeah, but-”

“I want to see mine as well!” Fluttershy added.

They were both staring at me with such an intensity that I couldn’t stop fidgeting. Normally, I could have kept a cool head and brushed them off, but they had a right to know what I had written about them in that respect, but I was iffy on sharing my mid-coital thoughts with them. I couldn’t talk my way out of it with both of them sitting there, and I didn’t think my obvious discomfort was going to convince them to leave it be. The obviousness of what I could do was smacking me around, but there wasn’t really any deciding factor on either side. I could either tell them both ‘no’ and leave it at that, or take the risk of letting them see my work.

Fuck me, right?

“Fine, I’ll go get your respective pages-”

“Pages…?” Applejack asked, astonished.

“Well… Yes?”

They traded a look and they both blushed, leaving the three of us doing our best imitations of sun-ripened tomatoes. Fluttershy let me up and I walked off quickly and heard them whisper to each other as I left. Wondering just what in the bloody fuck I was doing with my life at that given moment, it took me a good while to sort through my writings and find their individual sections, placing the rest of my pages on my bed so I could organize them when they were finished reading. My notes and ends were all in perfect order and I wasn’t going to change that any time soon. I even had headings on the individual pages so I could keep them in order with less effort. Obsessive tendencies aside, I returned to the living room with a very awkward silence awaiting me.

“So… Uh…” I handed each of them a few pages and they looked at my tidy scrawl in shock.

“You write this small and yet you filled three pages...” Applejack gaped.

“Well, there was a lot going on…” I paced back and forth as they began reading, casting furtive glances at me every few moments before I just sat down.

I decided to make myself scarce and went for my maple bourbon and brought out three tumblers, dropping three ice cubes in each and filling them rather high. The alcoholic in me wanted to drink on an empty stomach, but I got something to put out as a snack and fed myself enough to not die immediately. Presenting the glasses to them, they both sniffed the amber liquid and drank quickly, Fluttershy sputtering when she finished hers.

“Why does it burn so much!?” She croaked.

“Because it’s good.” I set the bottle on the coffee table and pulled my easy chair to the other side. “I feel somewhat left out. Do either of you keep a record of some kind?”

They shook their heads and kept reading, their cheeks maintaining the blush from earlier as they read on. Fluttershy began fanning herself a few minutes in and Applejack was crossing and uncrossing her legs, never seeming to keep them one way or the other for very long. “Hey, Max?” Applejack asked softly, her gaze still on the pages.

“Yes, love?”

“Did Cuntie ever say how far she got in your journals?”

“Yeah, she said she got a little past… Well, she got to the first time I got laid in Equestria.”

Fluttershy looked up and her eyes widened. “Wh-When-”

“It was before we got together, but yeah, that’s part of the reason I was so pissed that she read through it in the first place. You’re reading very, incredibly intimate details.”

Applejack cleared her throat and squeezed her own thigh. “I’ll say. I don’t want to repeat any of this to anypony. Ever.”

“Yeah, let’s not do that and keep this to ourselves, yeah?”

“... I had no idea The Princess was… Busy, during my massage.” Fluttershy murmured.

“I know exactly what you’re talking about, and I can tell you that it was a shock to me as well.”

“... It seems like you rather enjoyed it.” She bit her lip, tugging at the folds of her robe a bit

“Well. It was… It was arousing....” I drained my glass again and filled theirs while I was at it. I have a full glass policy in my house, and it served me well in such situations.

Fluttershy handed me back her pages first and I put them back in their rightful place while Applejack was still reading. She finished shortly after and I was grateful for the extra reason to leave the room. I sat back down in the easy chair after hiding my journal again. “So, uh… What did you think?” I asked shyly.

Applejack drummed her fingers on the armrest of the couch. “...I think you’re a very creative fella who has something he needs to do right about now.”

Fluttershy nodded her agreement. “Mhm.” She kept playing with the left lapel of the robe, showing a little shoulder.

“And that would be-” Applejack made the message crystal clear, but I’m not supposed to write it down.

With no further explanation needed, we got down to making some Quality Time, and it was a very, very good night. They asked me to leave our actions out of my journals for the time being, so you’ll find no indicators or interesting observations here. If you’re reading this and you’re not me or Celestia, GO FUCK YOURSELF.

Author's Notes:

Christ, this took forever. Some of these chapters could easily be split into individual scenes and be released as typical chapters...

As Always, Stay Cool, Kids