Alright, pulled a dimension or two apart to check out what fatarse was plopping together, and what do you know? I see ‘Chapter’ Seventy-Three, not ‘C.E’ Seventy-Three, which is how I mark my journals. I started reading alone as he kept writing, but the further we got into it, the more the story and my journal deviated. Where I [Omitted], and that doesn’t even cover Discord basically making a horcrux out of the Warbling Blade. Of course I didn’t learn that dear old Dicksword had actually had Hephaestus make it for him until long after the guy’s ghost went adios. Oddly enough, Discord was the guy who suggested I go to Earth to get mental help when I relapsed hard in my third year of freedom, though I would say that having a piece of Discord’s soul that was so bone crushingly lonely on my hip all the time probably didn’t help. Either way, I think the fat fuck has some influence on what goes on in my life, and I don’t like that.

I’m probably not gonna bother with this thing much longer since I just want to get the thief’s tale out there so that the world can see that the humblest of beginnings can still yield great results, but my so called ‘Road to Redemption’? Built on corpses and heinous universal crimes. It’s actually rather asinine when you consider that I’m taking over, but it’s fine. Totally cool. It’s not like imposing my morals on people was the thing I was afraid of from the start or anything. Not at all. Enough of me bitching though. I need to find a place to start the anthology so I can get up to speed…

Alright, got a plan. I’m going to skip the actual relapse and go straight into the day Twilight coaxed me out of the Blue Room. Lulu came to fill in for us while Twilight was helping me get my head straight, and after a few days of comforting, Twilight managed to keep me in reality long enough to leave for more than one bathroom break every couple of hours. In fairness, I was drinking heavily and there was nothing Twilight could do to stop me since I could materialize a spigot in the roof of my mouth. I eventually sobered up after collecting my conscience and shoving it all into my body while Twilight was gone for food and managed to conjure up enough Calitu juice to fill a large pitcher. I drank half of it in one go and was some kind of mellow when Twilight came back.

I gave her a mild smile when she came back in, having changed my clothes while in the giant egg chair I’d made. “Oi, welcome back, Cherry.”

Her eyes lit up and she smiled. “I see you managed to get ahold of yourself. How’d you manage to do that?”

I held up one of the flasks I’d poured the Calitu juice into. “Juice from my second favourite berry. You know, the Calitu are some of my favourite things I’ve made.”

Twilight gave me an odd look and levitated the food to me so she could come in. “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever had one, come to think of it.”

I passed her one of my flasks. “It’s kind of like a cherry, but not as sweet. I know they look more like plums, but believe me.”

She giggled and took a sip before smiling. Then she frowned. “Max, this is magical, isn’t
it?”

“Yup. It’s what I should have been drinking instead of liquor. Healthier, non-addictive, makes my kisses taste better, and makes me actually lucid, so that’s nice too. You can have that one if you want.”

“... Is it safe?”

I gave her a look. “Even at my craziest, I’ve never tried to feed you anything that would hurt you. Where’s your faith?”

Twilight stoppered the flask and made a face “I don’t know if I like you self-medicating in any form, Amour.”

I gave her a sad smile. “I limit it to when I actually need it, but it is tasty.”

“Make it taste bad.”

“... It’s easy for you to say that when you don’t have to drink it, Cherry.”

“Medicine isn’t supposed to taste good. It’s supposed to be bad so you don’t take too much.”

“I literally cannot die in any way, shape, form or fashion. I cannot get addicted to something. I cannot overdose, Twilight.” I explained clearly.

“... Max?” Twilight asked softly.

“Yes, Twilight?”

She reached for my hands, so I let her have them. “... What if we got you some help from Earth? I-I think that your mind is still closer to a Human’s than anything else, so maybe they can help you more than I can.”

“Sure.” I replied loquaciously.
“... That’s it?”

“Yeah. Let’s give it a shot. Not like it’ll hurt anything.” I said like a fucking retard. I heard Fate laugh at me as she threw trouble into my Anima, which made me sigh. “I really need to be more careful with my words.”

Twilight looked at the dome of the egg. “Stop messing with my husband!”

“Fickle bitch is one of the few creatures out there that’s allowed to. Ancient Eldritch bitch.”

Fate has no voice, but she does have a growl that sounds like it’s coming from a puppy, which is because she is a puppy. Well, she’s a dog in its perpetual puppyhood, but that’s what she prefers to be called and she likes to fuck with me too much for me to be nice to her, so Fate can suck my bum. Dogs can’t really suck, but it’s whatever.

Twilight cuddled me a little harder and we agreed to go to Earth the next day so I could start going to get help. As it was, Twilight let me have my juice until Crimson could take over for me while Fleur did the rest of the job, and once we had our standard paperwork done, we moved on to Earth. I started writing a little book while I was there using an alternate piece of myself since I could, and I started asking Twilight some questions while we were at the inpatient behavioral health center of a hospital that I’m not going to disclose.

“So how bad is stealing if you give something back in return? Like, something of equal value?” I inquired casually as I was filling out some paperwork.

Twilight gave me a look. I didn’t have to see her to know that she was giving it to me. “Why don’t you go back a few years and ask yourself?” She replied, on edge from the strange atmosphere in the psych ward. It probably didn’t help that I’d made the original hospital I went to ignore the fact that she was there.

“Ah, the arm thing. In fairness, that was my bloody arm.”

“You still got something really valuable out of it.”

“I mean stuff that has no sentimental value. Like, if I took some of your sativa, but gave twice as much indica in return.”

“Well, I guess that’s a different story. I can’t say that I would be mad, but some people might be. I think the importance of the thing should play a factor rather than raw value, but then again, I’d prefer it if you just DM’d the world and nerfed evil to the core.”

I chuckled as I wrote down my age. At that point I should have been thirty, but I’d lived through my life again a few times over at different points in time just to savour a few sweet moments one more time, so I was technically one hundred and eight years old. You could also call me a hero, but even I barely get that reference at this point in my life. “I love that you got into Dungeons and Dragons with Lulu and Celestia, but I’m telling you that people are going to start thinking you’re an even bigger nerd.”

“You’ve joined a few of our sessions on Roll20! You know it’s more fun than video games.”

“Oi, Bloodbourne Two is where it’s at, Cherry. You’ve just gotta-”

“I will seriously flood you with my disappointment if you say that.” Twilight warned.

“Git Gud, Skrub.” I leaned into it extra hard and Twilight made me feel her utter exasperation.

“I really wish hitting you wouldn’t hurt your feelings sometimes.” She muttered.

I stopped writing with my hand and just used Magic since it’s not lazy if I still technically have to focus. With my now free hand, I reached for Twilight’s and she met me halfway. “Thank you for being here, Cherry. I know that Earth hospitals make you feel uneasy, but it means a lot to me that you’re here.”

I got a weird look from a passing patient. “Crazy fucker.”

“Stop breathing.” I commanded.

The man stopped where he was standing and clutched his throat while I just gave him a baleful look. Then Twilight hit me. “Max! Let him breathe!”

I rolled my eyes. “Keep your words to yourself, mate. It’ll get you hurt.” I snapped my fingers and the guy dropped to the floor.

“DEMON! ANTICHRIST! SATAN!” He bellowed into a pocket dimension I created in his throat.

“Actually, I’m God.” I said casually. “Hallowed name and all that.”

He pissed himself and I cleaned it up, but I made sure his knickers were still wet when he prostrated. “Please Lord! Don't smite me for stupid shit!”

“Get up and go somewhere. You’re good.”

He ran off and I looked at my paperwork, which was done. Twilight was glaring at me pretty hotly, but my face didn’t move. “It’s a part of the plan, Cherry.”

“... What?”

I smirked at her. “Start with those who doubt their sanity, then prove them right.”

“Max, what are you talking about?”

“We’ve got some time before they get me processed,” I sent a clone of myself with my paperwork to the desk lady, masking myself like I was masking Twilight so she wouldn’t be noticed so we wouldn’t get pegged from there. “If you kill someone in defense of someone else, is it still wrong?”

She gave me a funny look. “What’s with the moral questions?”

“Does it bother you?”

“No, but why?”

“It’s a part of the plan, Twilight. The question?”

“... I suppose that defending someone else’s life is far more noble than it is evil. It’s still wrong, but we’ve passed out reduced sentences for it in the past, which I know you know.”

I let Twilight have my Reverend Smile™ and said, “I do know, but I needed or honest opinion on it. How do you feel about molestation?”

She frowned heavily. “It should be punished with a restraining order and a heavy fine.”

“But what about children?”

“... Despoiling a child is like killing a person: they damage them in a way you can’t really fix. I’d send them to Hell.” Twilight said coldly. “In the middle of them reaching out to do their deed, I’d take them.”

I squeezed her hand. “I didn’t mean to-”

“I need to deal with it just like you need to deal with your business.” Twilight said resolutely. “You’d know if it was bothering me too much, Amour.”

“I know, but I still should have just gleaned how you felt-”

“I would’ve actually been upset about that. You know I don’t like it when you skip asking my conscious mind so you don’t have to make me uncomfortable.” That’s only when you know about it.

“I know, but it accomplishes the same thing with less pain for you.” I reasoned.

She shook her head and gave my hand a little squeeze. “It’s fine, Amour. What’s your next question?”

“Is spanking your child wrong? By spanking, I mean punishment that might make them cry in the moment, but ten minutes later they’re alright and ready to get back outside to play.” I asked.

“I don’t really like it and I don’t want you doing it to our child, but if that’s how other people want to raise their children, then it’s not for me to judge them.”

“Mmm. Hopefully our kid is never bad enough to warrant a spanking, but you never know. Is it wrong that I’m hoping we have a son so I can train him to be as good as I am? I mean, I’d do the same if I had a daughter, but most men want a son to follow in their footsteps.”

Twilight gave me a dirty look. “If you train our children in combat just so they can beat people up-” She stopped at the deadpan look I tossed at her. “... Silly words. Sorry.”

I gave her a kiss on the cheek. “Apology unnecessary. The nurse lady is about to come back and grab me to let me change into my normal clothes. Do you want to come with, or is this where you take your leave?” I smiled at her so she’d know that I wasn’t going to take offense.

My wife took offense to that. “... You think I’m just going to let you stay here without anyone to help you get through? You’ve got a serious misunderstanding of who I am, Mister.”

I smiled wider and kissed her as the MHA (Mental Health Assistant) came over. “Mister… Maximus? Sir, you didn’t list a surname.”

I gave her a smile. “I don’t really need one. No one else has the name on the face of this planet.” Fucking better not. Had to rewrite eighty years of history because of that one old fucker.

She gave me a weird look. “Did someone accompany you here?”

“My wife, but she’s hard to see at the moment. I’m sure you understand what I’m implying.”

“Ah, I see. Trust me, Max, no one’s going to judge you here. We’ve seen all sorts of people here at [Omitted], and not all of them were lucid enough to realize that they needed help.” She gave me a smile.

I raised a brow. “I’m here for chronic PTSD, not psychosis or schizophrenia. God can go crazy, but I’ve passed that. I’m trying to nab some coping skills here.” I rose from my seat and Twilight joined me. “So where to, Jane? Didn’t Roger always say that small talk has a time and place?”

The MHA’s little tolerant smile faded as her pupils shrank. “... How do you know my Dad’s name?”

I gave her the Reverend Smile™. “I know everything about you, Jane. I know that your favourite kind of sushi is the yellowtail with a single drop of fish sauce, and that you actually are kind of prejudiced, just like your one black friend said.”

Jane gaped. “Who the fuck are you?” She breathed.

I extended a hand. “My name is Maximus, but my title is Kaid Maximus. You can call me Torch Bearer or God if you want, but Max is preferred.”

Her lip curled slightly before she fixed it. “You make some really good guesses, buddy.”

I tilted my head and turned my hand so that my palm was facing upward. She watched as I grew a miniature tree from the palm of my hand, let it go for a bit, and then drop a regular sized apple. I caught it with Telekinesis and floated it over to Jane. “I am God. It’s nice to see your face, you know. The guy before me might have created you, but I’ve been with you your whole life too.”

Jane grabbed the apple and would’ve fallen if I didn’t make her snap out of it. She got the picture easily enough and started shaking like mad, trying not to fall again. “Holy shit. Holy shit.”

Twilight pinched me. “Max! What are you doing!?”

“It’s all a part of the plan.” I smiled at her and she pinched harder.

“Why can’t I just be with you?” She asked.

I unveiled her and Twilight assumed her Human form after a second since I didn’t give her any warning, but the damage was already done with Jane and Twilight refuses to mess with someone’s mind. I may have made her promise to go through me if she wanted something like that done, but that’s neither here nor there. I made Jane get it together before she could break down, and I did that by making her take a bite of the apple I’d made so kindly.

“... This is a damn good apple, God.” She commented.

“Right? I mean, Cap-G did baked goods like no one else, but the natural stuff is my thing, apparently.” I replied pleasantly.

“Huh. So, like, was the God before you Jesus?”

“Nah, it’s the same old guy. Jesus was like, a Chosen One, but he wasn’t actually God’s kid. Speaking of, the Virgin Mary? Such a misnomer. Seriously.” I chuckled.

Jane made a face. “I’m Christian.”

“Are you still Christian? I mean, Yesu’s teachings are definitely recommended. Follow those and I probably won’t smite you. I’ll make an announcement on my commandments later, but can we get to the coping skills thing now?”

She blinked. “God can’t cope with something?”

“Stay on that train of thought and the next three meals you eat are going to taste like poo.” I warned.

Twilight sent me a dark look. “Will you stop threatening people?”

“It’s mild stuff!” I spread my hands.

My wife folded her arms and gave me a look. “Cool it with the power trip. Seriously, Maximus.”

I didn’t give her any shit. I didn’t have a leg to stand on anyway. “.... Sorry, Cherry.”

She gave me a tight hug. “I know you’re stressing out, but that doesn’t mean you have to keep flaunting your strength. You’re invulnerable, so don’t feel like you’re leaving someone with an opening.”

I hugged her back and sighed. “This is gonna suck.”

“At least we’ll be together for it.”

“Um, actually…” Jane started. I raised a brow at her and she coughed a couple of times. “Right. I’m sure you’ll have few enough problems, God.”

I gave her a smile. “Right? Why don’t we go get me checked in?”

Jane smiled and we started the shitty process of drawing blood, being bored, and finding out which unit I was going to be a part of, which wasn’t actually all that bad. A little Godly interference got my paperwork done in record time and no one said anything about Twilight’s presence, so that was nice. The snacks from the vending machines were pretty standard, but Twilight actually wanted a real meal, so I made her some food in the common area of the unit I was placed in, which attracted attention from some of my fellow patients. I warded them off easily enough just by putting out neutral vibes, but there was one young South African boy, not quite a man at heart, that couldn’t help himself.

I knew that he’d recently been adopted by a British family, but they’d been doing little to help him adjust from life on the street to life where he could actually have food on the table. He approached cautiously, his eyes on the prize rather than the man who was keeping a close eye on him. I knew it had been a little while since he’d been able to eat something since he’d been raised Muslim and a lot of the food he’d been offered in the past few days involved pork in some way, so when he went to make a snatch for Twilight’s arugala and spinach monstrosity, I didn’t strike out at him.
He was halfway extended for the grab when I placed my hand on his chest and let the veil dissipate, keeping the rest of the patients away. “Wotcher, Brady.”

“I-I…” He froze in fear, fully expecting someone with my build to be happy to break him for shits and giggles.

“Have a seat, lad. Grab one from another table and join me for a second.” I said kindly, subtly ordering him to do as I said, but not putting any actual juice behind the command.

My word still carries considerable weight, even without the extra Magic. “... You’re not mad?”

“Grab a seat, my young friend.” I reiterated.

Brady scurried off to go grab a chair and Twilight gave me a questioning look. “Why do I feel like that guy wasn’t actually after me?”

“I didn’t put a veil on your food. He saw a salad sitting in front of you and figured that it would be safe to eat. He can’t eat pork, and a lot of the stuff cooked here is pork based, like sausage or pork sandwiches.”

“... And you didn’t just-” Brady sat down as Twilight ended her own sentence without asking why I hadn’t just given him her food.

“... Alright. I’m sitting.” Brady said nervously.

I conjured up a star fruit since I knew he’d like it. “Carambola was always one of my favourites. How about you?”

He took the offered fruit and stared at me. “... Are you a Nephilim?”

“Eat, child.” I commanded gently. “Fill your stomach. I swear by the name of God/Allah/Yahweh himself that all I offer you is assistance.” I said all three of God’s names in one word, which made Brady smile a mile wide.

“An angel gave me fruit.” He chuckled before biting into the tart star-shaped piece of deliciousness.

He devoured it before long and I provided him with some warm flat bread and fried vegan fare that probably would have satisfied me for a little while, even with my carnivorous tendencies. “I trust that the flat bread isn’t too dry. I don't do baked things all that often, in fairness. Fruits and vegetables are more my strong suit.”

Brady finished off the last bit of his meal before offering me his hand. “It was the best meal I’ve ever had,” He said, his accent delightfully thick, “but I have nothing to give you back.”

I smirked at him. “Silence from your stomach is all I want. The quieter your stomach, the more you can listen to the wisdom this place has to offer.”

He made a face. “You haven't been to a group meeting yet.”

“Trust me. Order follows in my wake, regardless of whether or not these people listen to my original message.”

Brady seemed confused. “What?” And he fucking was confused. I don’t know why I only said he seemed bewildered when he was actually lost as fuck.

I snapped my fingers and my spell cracked long enough for Brady to see who I really was. “Do you understand now?”

His heart thudded in his chest and revulsion filled his veins, but he couldn’t get over the respect, admiration, awe, and gratitude he felt for me. “... You’re the false prophet.”

“According to Islam, which is horribly wrong, then I want you to throw rocks at gay people, and to some complete idiots, I’m asking for a suicide party. That’s not what I want, and I’m rather offended, to be honest with you.” I said irritably.

It took a moment for him to understand what I meant, but when it clicked, it was fucking precious. “... I just called Allah a false prophet. I’m going to Sa’eer.”

“No, you’re going to Hell just like everyone else. It won’t be a long visit, but I’m sure you’ll appreciate Heaven that much more because of it.” I offered him a consoling smile.

“Wait, so I’m still going to Heaven, even if I got to Hell?” He asked confusedly, glancing at the clock. It was about time for his prayers.

“Yep. Everyone goes, and you don’t have to pray anymore. I’ll pass out some instructions, so just do fifty push-ups instead of the three to five prayers a day and we’ll be fine.”

“... Should I wait until they finish serving their filth?” Brady asked.

I glared at him and he shrank in his seat, but he didn’t leave. “My child, rid yourself of these feelings of superiority. Just because others eat things that you do not does not mean that you are above them in any way. Just as people from the predominantly Caucasian countries balk at the thought of eating non-fibrous protein, Muslims would balk at pork, blood-based foods, and if they live by the book, alcohol.” I shuddered and Twilight pinched me. “The differences of society will be cast aside now that I’m taking over, and it would serve you well to be on the forefront of my movement.”

“O-Of course! Y-Yes, I’ll be waiting for the book.” He blinked rapidly.

I passed him a copy. “I’m having trouble coming up with a name for it at the moment, but I’m sure I’ll think of something. The name will appear on the book when it’s ready, but an abridged version of my story and the Aesops within them are already good to go. The Edict is at the end, followed by some stuff for people that aren’t in existence yet, but don’t worry about that.”

Brady stared at the book. “... Why do I not feel like having a panic attack right now? I should be losing it…”

I chuckled. “What? You think Maximus walks into a place of healing and lets others outdo him? I know I just got third-person-y there for a second, but I can’t just let people suffer in my presence. I literally cannot do that unless I actively make it happen. It’s just a boon for everyone that I’m glad to share.”

He gaped. “Y-You mean I won’t have anymore episodes? No more nightmares?”

“No more accidents either. You’re good to go, Bray-Bray.” I said softly.

Brady teared up at the sound of his father’s old nickname for him. It took a few years, but his mother eventually grew fond of it as well. “... How do I thank you?”

I snapped my fingers. “It’ll be in the book. Don’t go diving in just to look for it; give the thing a good read. I tried to make sure that it isn’t boring since my tale isn’t boring, so it ought to be worth a few minutes of your time.”

He blinked back some salty water and turned the book so he could see the thickness of it. “I’ll probably have this done today.”

I giggled. “‘At’s wot you tink, mate.”

“... God is so British it hurts.” Brady murmured.

“It’s been pared down a fair bit, but the book itself is still over a thousand pages.”

“Right… Can I skip group to read this? I don’t really like being in there with everyone else.”

“Martha and Tomas won’t be bothering you today, mate. Trust in God to keep your head above water.” I smiled easily.

Brady nodded. “So it’s definitely not Allah?”

“Call me Maximus or Max.” I said kindly. “It’ll be in the book.”

“Right. Thank you, for everything.”

“I haven’t done much, to be honest with you. I just make the things.” I chuckled.

Twilight went to say something, but I gave her a gentle look and a telepathic message that got her to hold her tongue. However, Brady finally found a reason to bring her up. “So… Why is there a woman on this side of the unit? I mean, I don’t wanna be rude-”

“Oh, I’m not a patient! I’m here for Max; I’m his wife.” Twilight explained.

Brady looked at me and I gave him a look in turn. “Even the Almighty needs moral support sometimes. I wasn’t always God, you know.”

“Oh… Right… So…?”

“It’s in the book.” I chuckled. “Come on, group starts in a couple more minutes.”

I conjured us both up a cup of white grape/cherry juice since I was fond and gave Twilight some normal grape juice to sip on since she liked the taste of her own love juices, apparently. The group meeting was called and for my first experience with the mental health industry, I noticed that there were quite a few disgruntled drug addicts mixed in with the bunch. Once everyone was present (I made a few stragglers get their arses in gear), the MHA in charge of the session got started.

“Alright! So we’ve had a new arrival since breakfast, so we’re going to let everybody-” The stout Hispanic fellow started. It was rather rare to see someone with is heritage in England seeing as how he was from Mexico and was raised in the States.

“Ay, why we even doin’ this shit, bruv?” Some gritty Chav spat hatefully. “No one gives two shits, init?”

“Steve, no one’s forcing you to be here.” I said kindly.

“Fuck off ya pretty boy cock-lovin’-” The Chavvy fuck started.

I raised my hand and is words died in his throat. “Speak hate only to those who speak it to you. For now, let Freddy talk, okay?”

The MHA stared at me. “How do you know my name? You’ve been sitting alone for most of the morning.”

I smiled at him. “[I am God]”

Silence fell around the room.

Twilight pinched me. “What are you doing?” She hissed.
I formed a seed and flicked it into the ceiling, the plant taking hold within seconds of making impact. Vines grew across the ceiling as my fellow patients gaped at the marvel, and when the lights were covered and the Sun was the only thing giving us visibility, I made the plant grow an orb of light that filled the room with a calming, healing light that eased withdrawal and anxiety as well as rage and irritability.

The MHA stared at me. “Why are you here?”

“I have a story to tell and I need therapy.” I answered simply.

“... Are you depressed or something? I mean, if there was traumatic event in your life, then this… Well, don’t let me lecture God…”

I gave Twilight a triumphant look. “I told you I only needed a therapist.”

She gave me a look. “You need some form of psychiatric hospitalization.”

“The food here sucks.” I snapped my fingers and a copy of my Bible dropped onto the laps of everyone in the room. “Oi! That’s my Bible. I haven't named it yet, but give it a good read and I’m sure you’ll have a good time. The important stuff is labelled by the bookmark, so don’t forget to give that a deep, deep read.”

It finally struck Twilight. “... You… You’re building up your own religion so people worship you.”

I gave her an easy smile. “People will worship all the gods, Cherry. The Capital G’s and the lowercase ones too.”

“... The power already went to your head. I was so worried about your relapse that I didn’t notice that you were becoming God.”

“It’s a natural part of the job, Twilight. Every being like me likes to be praised. It’s a part of what makes our job tolerable, because without it, it’s really just a short road to universal suicide. Lok, God four-one-eight, told me that he was having similar problems and that getting some praise really helped him get over his issues.”

“You’re so full of fecal matter, but it’s all true.” Twilight groaned. “Max, why does your job require you to be a power-crazed fool?”

I gave her a disapproving look. “Thanks. I rather appreciate you ignoring the fact that I’m basically just calling the universe my kingdom and doing what I was already doing in Arcadia.”

Twilight’s tastefully Human face coloured. “It’s the entire universe, Max. That’s not-”

“I am God, Twilight. I am the Torch Bearer. I’m in charge of the universe; it’s not arguable. Get the fuck over it.” I gave her an exasperated smile.

She folded her arms. “Apologize.”

“I’m sorry for being harsh with my words, but the meaning lies.”

“You’re not in charge of the universe.” Twilight maintained.
“Dude, why does this chick not comprehend simple shit? God rules everything. That’s it.” Chav boy scratched his head, but there were murmurs of assent around the room.

Twilight glared at me. “Brainwashing? Really?”

I put on a mask that Twilight hated seeing, but she knew that I was about to fact-slap her, so she groaned. “Do I need to say anything?”

“What.” She sighed, not even trying to inflect her voice.

I stroked her arm tenderly, trying to comfort her in the face of her defeat. “No brainwashing, Cherry. God rules the universe, and that’s what I’ve been doing since I became God. I just haven’t been getting praise for doing it, and I think that it’s been wearing on my psyche is all. I might be with you all day, but there is an infinite number of pieces of me that mind all sorts of things throughout the multiverse. Listing the things I do in a single nanosecond would take a lifetime, to be fair, so I think I deserve a little recognition for my work. It’s not like I’m telling people to bow before me, just to say ‘Good day’ or something like that. Little stuff.”

My wife gave me a look. “Why did you not explain that?”

“Why were you so quick to come after me? It’s not like you asked about my feelings or anything.”

There we mutters of disbelief around the room. “I can’t believe God’s marriage isn’t perfect.” The woman who said that, Martha, had little room to talk.

“Nobody’s perfect. If you want to call me perfect, then go ahead, but I didn’t even call God perfect when I was mortal.” I scoffed.

“.... You gonna explain that, Lord?” A Welsh fellow named Rodney asked.

“I was mortal once, and I got to meet the God who originally made Earth. He was a prick.” Cap G wasn’t quite gone, so he flicked my ear to prove my point.

“Ah.” Rodney replied beautifully.

“Any questions?” I asked magnanimously. “Mysterious questions of life, long lost relatives, interesting facts…?”

Brady raised his hand before anyone else, so I pointed at him. “Yes, my chocolatey friend?”

“Why do you let so many children starve?”

“That was the old guy. I already enacted some plans to get relief to those in need via the Safe in Arms Coalition.” I replied breezily.

Vati, a wizened old woman, scoffed in return. “You could just put food in their hands if ya wanted to. Don’t act all high and mighty.”

“Vati, I literally have been putting food in their hands, and then in their mouths. However, what you need to understand is that I owe this world nothing, and I could very well leave it alone just as my predecessor did, but here I am to make Earth an even better place than I already have.” I smiled at her.

She sneered at me. “Like you actually answer prayers.”

I raised a brow. “Vati, you pray to win the lottery and hope that money for dope blows in from nowhere. You’re in no position to be asking anything of anyone, frankly. You’re a loser. You’re here because you have to be, not because you actually wanted to get help to get off of barbs and coke. You threw your entire life away because the guy before me didn’t give you a sign, and you know what? He didn’t owe you one. You don’t understand the turmoil involved in reaching the pinnacle, the sheer enormity of what we’re actually responsible for, or just how insignificant your opinion is. I’m doin’ mankind one big favour, and it’s that book in your lap. Live by that book and ya don’t go to Hell too long. Don’t do it, and you’ll be eating flames for years.” I waited for her to say something in return just so I could cut her off. “Come on: do it. Get yourself sent to Hell.”

“Go fuck yourself.” Vati spat.

“Ah, never ask me for shit, woman. The rest of you are okay though. Just burn me a shot of bourbon or something and we’ll haggle.” I waved myself out and Twilight dragged us to Betwixt so she could give me a stern talking to.

“Maximus.” Twilight said. “I want you to blah blah blah…”

I tuned her out as I tuned into every mind on Earth, though I could hear her just as easily and gave her answers to questions that she was asking as the came. “Ahem. People of Earth; This is God, and God would like to say wotcher. Now, I’ve never talked to the entirety of Humanity at once before, but here goes nothing, am I right? Alright, so I’m passing out my book, which is going to be like my Bible, but I just haven’t found the proper name for it quite yet since I was born in Ninety-Five. Nineteen Ninety-Five, that is. I’m technically younger than a lot of people, but I digress. As the new God, I don’t really want to be called God. Feel free to call me Torchbearer, Oldboy, Maximus, or just Max. The last two are definitely preferred over the others, but if you just pray and call me something that isn’t like, spiteful or hateful, I’ll probably answer you. If you want a small favor, and I do mean a small one, then burn some bourbon for me and I’ll answer the-” I choked and sputtered in front of Twilight, making her look at me like I was crazy. I explained it away and carried on with my Earthly dealings at the same time. “Alright, no more moonshine. If it’s above one hundred and fifty, I don’t want it. Crazy fuckers. Anyway, live by the book and you won’t go to Hell. If you mess up and you genuinely feel bad about it, then repent and we’ll be square. If you don’t do anything to try and not make the same mistake again, however, it won’t matter. If you have questions about the book, then pray away and I’ll try to answer any reasonable questions with decent responses, but in the meantime, I wish you the best of luck. Oh yeah, don’t forget to buy some bacon. Pork isn’t healthy for you, but I have no problem with you guys eating whatever doesn’t literally poison you. Seriously; I work the universe; I’m not worried about whether or not you sneak a tender piece of bacon every now and again. Speaking of things I don’t like: If you have an anime slash cartoon character as your profile picture, change it before I smite you.”

I finished up with the people as Earth as Twilight asked, “So you’re just openly being God?”

“I’m going to try it on Earth for awhile. It’s already pretty taxing, reaching out and holding back at the same time.” I sighed.

My wife reverted to her Pony form and shook her head. “We still need to find you a therapist, Max.”

“We’ll see how the praise does for now.” I replied, but I should have at least paid attention to the fact that there seemed to be a lot of clusters of bad outcomes in the timelines regarding praise. They all increased my efficiency, but in the end, a lot of them lead me down a path that would result in me getting a therapist a few years later anyway.

To span the gap between my first trip to an Earth behavioral hospital and the time I met Doctor Bradley, I can summarize it by saying that Twilight and I often went to bed a little irritated, but not actually mad enough to let it get to us. We had sex when we felt like it was a good day to do so, and when we didn’t, we still cuddled and reaffirmed our love for each other during our long, sleepless nights. Twilight says to the present day that she doesn’t miss sleep that much, but I know that she’s always happy to get a little shut eye in when she can. She doesn’t do it around me since she’s well aware of the fact that I miss it dearly, but it’s whatever.

During that time, I spent a week teaching Noir how to properly manipulate time since I was going to give her Kronos’ strength, but on the day I was going to shift it over to her, the clocky bastard himself shifted onto Arcadian soil, specifically into the middle of Sadelle. I felt him before he even got out of the Heavens, but he was technically Noir’s problem since I’d made her the Dutchess of the town and surrounding area. The choice was backed by the fact that the Old Castle was actually closer to Sadelle than Ponyville, and that’s where Noir ruled from.

Anyway, Kronos wanted to be a little bitch and started aging people like mad because he could, which pissed me off because I was going to have to teach Noir how to fix it before people started dying. And then people started dying. I resurrected a few souls because I’m a nice guy and stopped Noir in the middle of or lesson. “Oi, Blackberry. We’ve got trouble.”

Noir didn’t want to stop the interesting sparring match we were having. “I know a god has landed-”

“Not technically a god, but you still have to go deal with him. Shoo.” I gestured for her to leave and she groaned before Shadow Diving to Sadelle, swimming through the darkness still being her preferred method of travel.

I followed along easily as Noir jogged toward the west side of town where Kronos was going on his rampage. His cries could be heard from streets away. “Mwahaha! Finally I have pieced myself together after my treacherous son’s betrayal! I shall have my vengeance!”

Noir and I traded a look as he kept cackling and sped up. I didn’t bring out Ol’ Harmless or the Warbling Blade since it was my Knight’s fight, and when Kronos’ eight foot tall arse came into view, the minute iota of my soul that was kinda mortal-ish was somewhat anxious about facing a bigger, older, ancient foe. The rest of me scoffed at the lice that was the mortal piece of me and wondered if we could convince Kronos to eat his own ding dong if we turned it into a Ding Dong.

“Halt, deviant! Begone from my lands!” Noir bellowed, using archaic terms to issue a subtle challenge.

Kronos rolled his eyes and pointed at her, but when she didn’t wither, he tilted his head. “Ah, another born from the endless stream I see. Tell me, sister; where does my traitorous son Zeus lie? And his whore mother, if you wouldn’t mind.”

I coughed. “I killed Zeus personally and Gaea was claimed in the Cataclysm. Many of the gods you knew are dead.”

The Titan’s face fell. “Oh.”

Noir glared at him. “Stop making trouble on Equus.”

“... This is not Earth?” Kronos asked.

“No.” Noir and I said in unison.

He raised a hand and Noir used a passing rift in the timestream to rid him of his hand by conjuring Mordemor and slicing through it. Kronos regrew the hand and summoned his scythe without another word since his plan to rule the world had one big blue roadblock in front of it. Noir flourished Mordemor and Kronos spun his scythe, but the difference in the two movements was that the Titan was reaping rifts and Noir was simply using them as portal to add damage to her opponents. She didn’t stand a chance at blocking Kronos’ multi-slash since Mordemor was just an inferior weapon by construction, though Noir had the upper hand with the design of her metallic partner.

My Knight bore her sword bravely against Kronos and jumped through a rift to shift behind him and to the side, existing in two places at the same time by altering the time stream via Anima substitution and cheating with Magic that she probably shouldn't have been using in a fair fight. It didn’t matter since Kronos bore both of her strikes without falling and straight up impaled Noir’s vulnerable Anima while it was defending his frontal attack. It’s hard to say what all was going at a single point because time was a special kind of fucked, and there aren’t really explanations for how windmilling your weapon to bounce Quantum particles at your enemy is a perfectly viable attack. Time based battles are just fucking weird, and at any given moment, several attacks were in mid-swing, mid-block, or mid-hit, but the bad thing was that Noir was getting the worst of it.

After a savage combo that left four broken-off scythes in Noir’s body, I was a little perturbed. Kronos let her wear herself out by defending her blows when they came, as meager as they were, and then he cut her down by the hamstrings. In his moments of victory, Kronos chuckled and taunted Noir. “What a fight, was it not? A true contest between worthy beings, but alas, as always, a man comes out on top!”

Noir barked out a laugh. “Do you really think that?”

Kronos smiled and hooked his weapon around Noir’s neck. “I have no reason not to. Any last words for your friend?” He asked confidently.

I could almost hear Noir smirking as she said, “Wanna watch it all over again?”

The Titan’s face screwed up in confusion before Noir’s Alicorn Magic hard-reset time in combination with a soft reset with her God Magic. The two combined were effectively a sure-kill mind-wiper, and it was fucking glorious. Kronos looked at us and said, “This is not Earth?”

“No, this is Equus.” Noir flourished Mordemor after recalling him from the Aether once more, but this time, she stockpiled rifts by guiding them along on the tip of her sword, but then the tricky bitch teleported the Warbling Blade into her hand and bore the Banshee’s cry so she could slice through one last rift and deliver a ridiculous blow to Kronos’ face. The slice started from his head and ended on the dirt between his legs, completely bisecting him before the rifts stored in the blade went wild in his body, tearing it to pieces, which Noir promptly set on fire.

I looked on in mild interest. “Chestnuts roasting on an open Titan~ Kronos fat fil~ling your nose your nose~”

Noir gave me a dirty look. “You could have helped at any time.”

“... You could have won easily.” I said slowly.

She huffed. “Just because I could have doesn’t mean that I should have to do so alone, pupil.”

“Actually, I’m the master right now. That was a test. I was testing you.”

Noir gave me a look so dirty, I felt like I needed to mop the cobblestone road. “Fix everyone so I don’t have to.”

“Shut up and do it yourself, lazy arse.” I grunted.

“Aww come on!” Noir whined.

“You get further from being my third wife every day.” I said frankly.

“Good news at last!” Noir cheered.

I rolled my eyes. “Right. Do you want to go back to training when you’re done healing people?”

“Does that question need an answer?” She said brightly.

“Nope.”

One day during a conference I was having with Parallel One’s Pinkies, I had an interesting question for them. “Hey Pinkie Hive Mind, why do you try to make people happy through parties instead of sex and drugs?”

A lot of the Human Pinkies scoffed or coughed in embarrassment while a lot of the quadrupedal ones answered with, “Sex with random strangers is boring. Everyone goes vanilla for the first time around, but if you try to get too freaky too fast, then you lose your chance at getting laid again.”

“Huh. So, Pinkie from Equus One-Origin, why are you still after me after all these years?” I asked.

My Pinkie smiled. “Even if Cheese Sandwich and I are happy together, I still remember the taste of the forbidden fruit.”

I gave her a look. “You should have told my crazy arse no.”

“I should have let your crazy arse cum inside, but I didn’t want to get pregnant and then die.” Pinkie said distastefully.

“Nice way to bring up bad memories.” I said flatly.

She winced. “Sorry, Max.”

“It’s okay, but be more careful with your words. Next time I’m hitting you.” I warned fairly.

“You hit too hard for that to be any kind of fair!” Pinkie objected, having sensed my thoughts.

“It’s fair enough for me, so it’s fair enough for you.” I said haughtily. “I believe you need some silence.”

She flipped me off and a Pinkie from a world I recently made raised her hand so I pointed at her. “Ah, Pinkie from Arcadia One Dash One. What’s up?”

“Could you tone me down a bit?” She asked humbly.

The chattering Pinkies fell silent as many of them dropped pins to test the silence of the room. It was a cacophonous tinkling sound that sucked for a lot of reasons, but mostly because I had to clean up a bunch of pins. “Beg pardon, love?”

“... I don’t want to be crazy anymore. I-I mean, it’s cool and all, but I… I dunno. Sometimes smiling all day makes me sad inside.” Pinkie Arc:1-1 said softly.

There were jeers from some of the more insane Pinkies, but there were plenty of them who shared a similar desire with Arc:1-1. My Pinkie eventually called order and said, “Let she who wants to be free be free! I’m happy how I am, but if someone isn’t, then who are we to tell them that they can’t change?”

Pinkie from Equis One Dash Three spoke up. “Didn’t we all learn to accept ourselves for who we are? Didn’t we all learn to stay true to Pinkie, no matter what?”

Dissent and assent foddered back and forth until the auditorium grew to ridiculous volumes again. Scraps broke out and it was generally just chaos abound, so I sat back and waited for Arc:1-1 to come to me since she needed to come over for me to help her anyway. When she came over to me, we had a long talk about a few things and it ended with me giving her a hug that relieved her of the visions and heavy mania while letting her keep the Pink Menace powerset, though I’d had to nerf it a bit to keep things kosher for her mind.

When all that was done, I ended the Pinkration and called order to the Court. “Oi! All you lot! We’ve gotta come up with a name for my book! It’s been months and we still haven't come up with anything!”

“Ooh, ooh, what about the Babble Book!?” A Pinkie cried.

“The Book Of Max!”

“A Thief’s Tale: The Road to Redemption!” My Pinkie shouted.

“Those are all stupid names and the last one was extra stupid.” I groaned. “Come on, ladies! We have eternity to come up with something that doesn’t suck.”

Five hours and four hundred and twenty six bad names later, I said, “We might as well just call it the fucking Maxronomicon at this point. For Yesu’s-”

“YES!” The Pinkies roared deafeningly. Chants of ‘Perfect! Perfect! Perfect!’ went around the room and so did multiple waves as the Pinkies got wilder and wilder. The ones who were wearing clothes got naked and the various different types of Pinkie started getting down and dirty without further ado. I know why they did it, I just don’t understand.

My Pinkie and the Pinkie from Equis were both in the middle of the fray, having lecherous, lewd things done to them in the daisy chain that was beginning to form. The Pinkie from my recently made planet came back to stand next to me and watch as Pinkfest started for the first time ever. “... I am so glad I’m not in that.” Arc:1-1 said softly.

I put a hand on her shoulder and gave her a gentle smile. “You don’t have to worry about it again.”

She gave me a bashful smile in turn and brushed my hand off of her shoulder. “You know, most of us want you in some way.”

I raised a brow. “In what way do you want me?”

“... I wanna be your friend, if that’s okay. I know you’re friends with all the Pinkies, but…” She trailed off, giving me time to examine her. She was definitely nervous, but I couldn’t help but be less interested in her mood than in her thick, grabbable thighs, her bouncy, rather large posterior and sizeable bust. Arc:1-1 was basically the exact opposite of Equu:1-1.

“You want to be more than just friends due to the circumstances.” I said kindly.

“Well... “ She licked her lips. “The insanity is the thing stopping us from asking for a real relationship with you, and with that out of the way… I was just- You know, it’s fine! I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-”

I stopped her mid-sentence with a kiss. I had permission from Twilight and Celestia, of course, but I still kept it brief so I didn’t overstep my boundaries. “We’ll see how you work with my wives and if it’s not too jarring for everyone, then it’ll be gravy.” I gave her a gentle smile.

Arc:1-1 smiled back, staggered. “Um… Yeah, cool. That’s- That’s great!”

I gave her another peck on the cheek. “I’ve gotta get back to running the universe, but I’ll be by to visit you soon, okay?”

She beamed some more. “How soon is soon?”

“Give it two days on Arcadia and I’ll be by. Cupcake in eye as punishment for failure to arrive when it’s convenient for you.” I promised.

The Pinkie gave me a hug and a worried smile. “Aren’t you a little conflicted about dating someone you created?”

I raised a brow at her. “I’m going to have to get used to it at some point unless I want to go celibate. Gods don’t really date among ourselves since we tend to be so different, although D’vora is sexy as shit.” I pursed my lips and thought about that slippery little tentacle-having minx. Her slime was an aphrodisiac to Humans and Ponies and she was open to a couple of rounds with the right kind of humanoid, so she was on my FuckIt list for when time reset.

Arc:1-1 sensed the melancholy that came along with thoughts of the end. “You’ll have her for a whole ‘nother cycle, Max. It’ll be eons upon eons until that day comes.”

I gave her a sad smile and touched her arm again. “Thank you, but the day comes sooner than a God would like in any case.”

She came a little closer and touched my chest. “... I know I’ll never hold a candle to Twilight, but I’ll leave you with fond memories all the same. Even if you don’t love me like you love her, that’s perfectly fine.” She said, trying to fool herself into believing it was true.

I kissed her cheek. “You never know what the future holds, Baby Blue” I replied softly. “If you want, I can enact the Covenant on us. It wouldn’t even be a small favour; I’d do it for myself too. Being able to love multiple women like I love Twilight… It’s a dream that requires the right women, and I wouldn’t have agreed to date you if I wasn’t certain about that.”

“... Are you seriously telling me that I’ll have a devoted boyfriend that comes with two of the most pleasant women between the top three planets?” She murmured.

“If you want to meet them now-”

“Yes! Please!” Baby Blue cried happily. “I’ve always wanted to meet the women you fell in love with!”

I chuckled and snapped my fingers, enacting a mild Covenant between us. “One sec.” I managed to find a decent point in the timeline for me to bring Pinkie for a talk, and when I did, I had to corral Twilight and Celestia so we could sit down and have a chat. Twilight sat next to me on my left and Celestia sat on my right, which meant that Arc:1-1 was facing me in our little circle.

“Alright ladies, welcome to the squared circle! Now fight for my affections!” I cackled evilly.

Twilight and Celestia both gave me a look, but it was Celestia who turned to Pinkie and asked, “So you’re a Pinkie from another world?”

Arc:1-1 smiled nervously. “Y-Yeah. I’m from Arcadia, on planet Arkaid.”

Twilight gave me another look. “You named a planet after yourself? And their Equestria is just Arcadia again?”

I smirked at her. “My holy book is called the Maxronomicon.”

My first wife groaned heavily while my second continued her conversation with my potential third. “So, is there a name Max has given you so we don't get you confused with our Pinkie?”

“Well, he called me Baby Blue.” The shorter, squishier, pinker woman replied.

Celestia gave me yet another look. “Think of another one.”

“Hug Bunny. HB for short.” I replied instantly.

Hug Bunny blushed and smiled while Celestia nodded. “Better.” She turned back to HB. “So how long have you known Max?”

“Ever since I got my power back when I earned my Mana Mark-”

“Your what?” Twilight asked.

Hug Bunny showed her the underside of her right forearm, exposing the Pinkie Cutie Mark. “My Mana Mark. You would call it a ‘Cutie’ Mark.”

“... I think I like Mana Mark better to be honest with you. It’s more professional.” Twilight said, her voice tinged with approval.

HB tilted her head at Cherry. “You know, my Twilight would have either dived into the differences between worlds on the spot or she’d be trying to get closer to Max while no one’s watching.”

Twilight giggled. “Max and I have been married for almost ten years. We still do a lot of the newlywed stuff, but it’s not like that.”

The Pinkie chuckled awkwardly. “Well, you see… The thing is that my Twilight is insane. Like, she makes your Pinkie look like… Well, you, I guess.”

“... Max made me crazy?” Twilight deadpanned.

“Oi, I didn’t make her into anything. Something is seriously wrong with Arkaid and I’m still trying to figure out what I fucked up.” I defended.

“I’ll say. Our Celestia is-” Hug Bunny caught herself and dropped her gaze to the floor.

“Your Celestia is a what, Pinkie?” My Celestia asked softly.

“Well… Let’s just say that I could see the difference in your states of mind.”

“Ah, so she’s insane as well.” Sunbutt surmised.

“Kinda. Can we leave it there and just say that your hair looks better than hers?” HB tried.

Celly let it work. “We can. So what drew you to Max? What makes you desire him?”

“I follow the sound of laughter and try to leave more in my wake. If Max ever feels like it, then he can have a whole room smiling and laughing with him and he doesn’t even have to tell a real joke! It doesn’t hurt that he’s so gentle and tender when the moment calls for it, but tough and stern when you really just need to get your head out of your cheeks… It’s also the string of fate tied to my finger, so I couldn’t really hold out much longer.” She chuckled anxiously and felt for the invisible, intangible piece of cosmic twine.

I smiled. “Fate’s a proper twat, right? So much for having free will.”

“... That’s not funny. That’s not funny at all.” Celestia said numbly.

“Prophecies!” Twilight spat derisively.

I rolled my eyes. “Get used to it, ladies. You’ll probably be able to see the strings after a few million years.”

Cherry groaned. “Ugh, I don’t want to think about a few million years from now, Amour.”

“Neither do I, Smokey.” Celestia said, using her nickname for me. It was Twilight’s first, but Celestia claimed it as her own because it was cute.

“Aww, Smokey is such a nice pet name!” Hug Bunny said cheerfully.

“Isn’t it though?” Celestia remarked.

The conversation from there devolved into casual conversation that was tinged and touched with hints of suspicion and subterfuge from Celestia and Twilight, both of them digging deeper into the Pinkie’s psyche than they normally would have for just about anyone else. I know Celestia was expecting her to be crazier than a thirteen pound note with a seven and a half pence piece on the side, but I also knew that she found HB to be more stable than most people, it was just that she was super-sane and could actually deal with it in a healthy way. Twilight, however, wasn’t quite sold.

“So, HB, why not wait for the String of Fate to draw you to Max? Why take action yourself?” My first wife asked.

Hug Bunny gave her an odd look. “... The string already pulled me to him. It made me ask him to make me sane.”

Twilight blinked. “Oh. Well, don’t I seem silly.”

“A little.” Celestia giggled.

“Oh hush, Sunbutt.” The purple one shot back playfully.

Hug Bunny giggled. “Sunbutt?”

Celestia coloured. “Our Cutie Marks show up near our tails. My Cutie Mark happens to be that of a Sun, and Max seems to think that saying I have a big bottom is a compliment.”

“Oi, I love your arse! It’s a lovely handful and then a little more just for extra fun.” I gave her a big, honest smile.

Celestia returned it a wry one of her own. “You’re not getting any from me tonight.”

I sighed. “I guess I could always-”

“Me either.” Twilight cut in drily.
‘
“- Just use old lefty.” I continued. “I only need you girls for cuddles and snuggles, dammit. I can sex myself.”

Pinkie started snorting and chortling, trying to stop herself from laughing at my ridiculousness while Celestia and Twilight just exchanged a looked. Twilight said, “You know we can tempt you, right?”

“You know I could have you with a little effort, right? Neither of us can turn the other down if we’re dead-set on it.” I countered breezily.

My first wife glared at me adorably. “Just because we can tempt each other and know for a fact that we’ll get what we want doesn’t mean that we should do it.”
I translocated behind her and draped my arms around her, but Twilight shook me free. “Oi, what’s the big idea?”

“You’re not going to Max your way into my knickers tonight, so go sit back down.” Twilight said firmly.

“I’ll give you a tummy rub and a hornjob.” I said flatly.

Cherry turned to look at me and Celestia said, “Don’t give in, Twilight! I know it’s an attractive offer, but I’ll ask Luna-”

“I’ll even play with your breasts in the special way you like.” I murmured into Twilight’s ear.

“Sold! Sorry Celestia, but Amour drives a hard bargain.” Twilight sighed, shaking her head.

Celestia folded her arms and gave me a look. “Stop bribing your wives.”

I shrugged. “How else do I get you to do what I want? If I ask you for a favour and you don’t want to do it for free, then why wouldn’t I give you something to see if that helps at all?”

Celestia tried to glare at me, but she ended with a fake pout that was completely transparent to me. “Why don’t you ever try to bribe me?”

“You cost too much.” I said drolly.

“All I ask is for you to clone yourself one time for a night of passion, but no~o!” Celestia grumbled.

I rolled my eyes. “Fine. You’ll get your thing tonight, you weirdo.”

“Ah, this is great! I always did love twins!”

“I’m not kissing myself.” I said flatly.

“Damn.” All three women said simultaneously.

I gave each of them a look in turn. “Twilight has room to talk, but you two are just weird. You wouldn’t kiss yourselves, but you want me to kiss me? Weirdos.”

Pinkie grinned. “In fairness, I have kissed myself before, but that’s all.” She almost made a mistake by opening her mouth again, but I saw the glint of Clairvoyance in her eyes and she rethought saying anything else.

Twilight noticed it as well. “Ah, I see you’re a Seer like our Pinkie. What are some of your danger signals?”

HB blushed. “Uh… W-Well… I-If there’s a projectile…” She tapped her upper lip with her index finger a few times but it was just a nervous tic rather than a signal of some kind.

“If it’s embarrassing, you don’t have to say anything.” Cherry said. “I think we understand that certain parts of your anatomy react to different situations.”

Celestia coughed. “I think we understood that without you having to say it, Twilight.”

My first wife blushed and sputtered. “E-Er, right…”

“We can make everyone embarrassed if it’s alright with you, Celestia.” I teased.

She gave me a look. “Your fingers are girlier than mine.”

My face flushed and I threw a conjured banana peel at her. “Oi!”

Celestia smirked. “It’s like being a lesbian until the actual sex comes with how soft your lips are.”

I felt something land on my shoulder and I froze as it chirped. The bird was translocated to the middle of the room and I had to make it explode because of reasons. Many good reasons. Twilight gave me an astounded look, Celestia blinked a few times, and Pinkie giggled like a madwoman. The next thing I knew, my hands were covered in lacy gloves and my lips tasted like black cherries, and my salt levels peaked at a brand new high for that year.

While the girls were giggling at my misfortune, I was coming with the lightning. “Twilight likes having her hood stretched, but she really goes wild when you pull her tail and make her submit.” Twilight’s jaw dropped and she lit up. “Celestia likes to be fisted anally since she can just make herself tight again, but she prefers anal sex over normal sex anyway.” Celestia’s chest heaved as her face reddened. “Pinkie likes to be spanked hard enough to leave bruises, but that’s the extent of it. She’s also masturbated with a tubular watermelon that she grew specifically for the purpose of fucking it.” Pinkie giggled at that.

“... Okay, so we struck some nerves.” Twilight said, stating the obvious.

I burned off the gloves, but my lips were delicious. “You two both know that I’m sensitive about my hands.”

“Their meant for picking locks and jerking cocks.” Celestia said treacherously.

“I’ll make you my meat sleeve for a day and not let you cum once. I really will.” I deadpanned.

“... You wouldn’t.” Celestia breathed.

“He has.” Twilight answered for me. “Don’t test Max’s patience when it comes to his hands.”

Pinkie gave me a smile. “Max’s hands pick all kinds of locks. Locks to doors, opportunities, treasures, hearts… You can’t do that with big ol’ bear paws.”

“Don’t comfort him! He just took shots at all of us!” Twilight objected.

“Celestia started it.” Hug Bunny said slowly. “Max just reacted the way we should have expected him to.”

My first wife smiled at my second. “She’ll do nicely.”

Celestia smiled back. “She gets him.”

Pinkie folded her arms and pouted. “I didn’t even see that one coming! That’s just not fair!”

I patted her shoulder with my True Theft. “At least you passed the test.”

She pouted some more. “That’s going to be the last thing I do before I have to go back to Arkaid? Pass a test?”

Twilight shrugged. “You can have some hugs if you want.”

Pinkie ended up getting hugs before she stepped through a rift and fucked with Twilight and Celestia since she didn’t technically shift. Rift Wielders are always annoyances to gods, but I had a feeling that Pinkie Arc:1-1 would be just fine.

This is a short little story that I found absolutely hilarious and think fits perfectly right here, so I’m going to lead in with the fact that it was New Years. On the greatest night of the Aetherial tides, I was having myself a giggle with Twilight and Celestia as Luna presided over Canterlot’s yearly mega-event. Castle Arcadia and the Crystal Empire had pitched in this year to bring some unique fare to the streets of Canterlot, and rooms in the Castle were being rented out to visitors in droves.

Things were in full swing when Luna took to the balcony above the Castle Grounds to make her nightly announcements. “People of Equestria, not just citizens of Canterlot! Hear my call! Tonight is the night we bring in the new blessings and rid ourselves of old troubles! When the moon is highest, we dine with good fortune!” Fireworks started going off and exploding in beautiful splashes of color across the sky to mark the end of her brief little speech.

What she wasn’t expecting was for there to be four meters of invisible firecrackers to be set off around her at the exact same time. Luna shrieked and panicked as the rattling of the explosions circled her in two alternating paths, but all she could see were the explosions of light and not where the things themselves were. I attached them to her with anti-gravity threads, so when Luna teleported to get away from the bother, it clung to her and she went around exploding everywhere.

“Blasted-confounded-damnable-explosions! Cease! Cease! Stop it!” Luna bellowed, twirling around as the noise makers kept going off around her.

Celestia, Twilight and I laughed our arses off from my study and when Luna teleported to us, she was salty as fuck. “Make it stop!”

I snapped my fingers and the firecrackers ceased exploding, but I couldn’t stop laughing as Luna came over to deride the three of us. It ended up being a good time, but not even two weeks later, I was stalking Twilight through the halls of Castle Arcadia via a proxy that she would’ve had a hard time detecting, even if she was looking for it. As Twilight walked along, I made her hooves sink further and further into the floor, but I knew that her mind was too preoccupied for her to be paying attention to the fact that her world was growing taller. Passing employees were pretty interested in the fact that Twilight walked through the floor rather than on it. She waved casually as she usually did, and on her way to the Court Hall, she didn’t even notice that she sank into her throne to the point where her torso barely poked out above the seat.

It took Twilight four hours to catch wind of my little prank, and when she did, she got me back by opening a portal to a tentacle-beast dimension in my trousers and letting me be molested for a little while. Speaking of, that incentivized me to go visit D’vora, so I sent a little piece of myself to go visit her in her version of Heaven. I caught her as she was recording data into a gelatinous tablet since she didn’t have 2T-to-QD (Telepathic-Transcription-To-Quantum-Digital) that would allow her to get her shit done faster.

“You’re going to be at it until time resets if you keep operating like this.” I teased as I touched down in her realm.

D’vora turned her head toward me and her solid black eyes turned yellow. “Kaid! You visit me again? So soon?”

I gave her a little smile, but the gesture meant little to her since her race didn’t use body language. “My wife just portaled me and my reproductive device was rubbed by some tentacles. I couldn’t help but think of my favourite tentacle creature after that.”

Her eyes turned pink. “You just want me for my tentacles, you lecher.”

“And you just want me to probe you.” I scoffed. “We both want something from the other; don’t pretend otherwise.” I said, coming over to her standing workstation.

We were the same height since the Gods don’t like to tower over each other. D’vora’s people were actually microscopic. “Is that not what creates all bonds? A contest of desires, each part seeking to have their end of the bargain filled?”

“Yes, but an honest deal involves making sure both parties come out happy.” I replied as D’vora prodded my chest with one of her tentacles.

“You carbon based Humanoids are some odd creatures, but Terra is one of my preferred planets, as troublesome as it is.”

“I’ve gotta say that Gorr isn’t exactly exciting.”

D’vora made a delighted noise. “But they are so precious, are they not? A planet of rock creatures!”

“... They procreate by chucking each other into volcanoes and waiting for an eruption. When they all crystallize, I’m gonna have to destroy the planet before they take over Sayre.” I grumbled.

“Ah, have you let them take over Sayre yet? The Sayds are very crafty.” She tried appealing to my base nature.

I gave her a look. “The best they can do is hide in the forest. The Gorrians are overpowered, they just need time to get there.”

“Well what about the Knytes? They’re universe conquerors!”

I chuckled. “All you have to do is cull the gibblette in them and they actually become universal police. It’s actually pretty funny.”

D’vora’s eyes turned salmon pink, marking her amusement. “To think that Knuut could be redeemed by getting rid of a single useless organ.”

“I know, right? Say, would you mind making a little bit of your goo for me? I’d like to show the wives a good time tonight, and I’m up for a trade.” I wiggled my brows at her.

D’vora couldn’t really roll her eyes since they were just one solid pupil, but she did open her mouth and give me a rude gesture with her six ‘fingered’ ‘tongue’. I use finger and tongue loosely, of course. “What would you trade for my precious love juice?”

I blushed. “... I wasn’t aware that’s what it was.”

“Why else would it be an aphrodisiac?” She giggled, her eyes flipping to yellow.
“Well, I was going to offer you some of my love juice, ironically. Does that sound like a good trade?”

She gave me a weird smile. “Am I doing it right?”

“Close enough.”

Long story short, I got a tentacle job and she learned why fingers on the ends of your appendages are useful. We both got a little of what we wanted, but D’vora was quick to let me know that she was going to be injecting my gift into her ‘blood’stream so she could ride the high properly. Essentially she told me that me semen was heroin to her. I felt a little bad, but it’s not like she could get addicted to it, and I was using her love goo to make sex even better, so it evened out in the end. Sadly, it was a God Gift, so I couldn't just make more on command.

I feel it necessary to say that I still have D’vora’s goo since there just hasn’t been a good opportunity to use it recently.

To be honest, not that much has happened since then. It’s a little on the simple side to be God. I mean, Cap G kinda just let me take over and have at it, but for the most part, I just have to maintain and occasionally adjust something. I still talk to the other Gods when I need help with something, but I can’t reach a lot of them, and like I said, my job isn’t all that hard. I have to multitask like you wouldn’t believe, but there are worse things out there over having to be busy all the time. I could be getting raped all the time again, so there’s always that.

The plan for now is to stay on the medication and just plop the occasional big event into this journal. Man, I need a beer. I’ve got bourbon for years to come, but it’s time for a beer.

Sometimes I fucking hate my luck, and sometimes people fucking hate me, but this isn’t one of those times. Would someone hate me for this one? Oh, no shit. Absolutely. When A Sombra-souled, radioactive, poisonous goo monster dropped in from outer orbit and landed in Canterlot, it didn’t take me long to piece together that the shit I kept throwing into space coalesced and amalgamated into a single entity. However, I was the only one who actually knew what it was, so I shut my fucking mouth about what exactly it was and casually alerted my Equusian gods to its presence.

Twilight and I arrived on the scene with Cadance and Shining Armour, but Celestia and Luna were already some kind of hurt. In my defense, they were powerful enough to defeat the thing respectively, they just weren’t as creative with their powers as I would be. For example, both of them can seize the gravity of their respective object, magically force it to stay in place, and then channel it through a pocket portal, conveniently handheld. Inverting said gravity would have launched the creature wherever the fuck they wanted to put it, but they really just fought it with Medamn swords and power slashes.

Cadance being Cadance tried to send a Heart Bolt at it first to try and sooth it, but the sheer amount of Magic in Swift Strike’s deadly cooking turned it into a hate potion that it drank readily. “Oi, Taffy Tits! Don’t do that again!” I called out as we spaced for assault.

“Max, you butthead! Just take care of it!” Cadance called back irritably.

“Where’s the sport in that, Love?” I replied cheekily, sending a bolt of lightning towards the creature.

It struck true and Googong (Named for a ‘lovely’ little place in South Wales) grunted like I’d tickled its bumhole or something. Shining started throwing up personal shields and Twilight passed out buffs like the filthy fucking Cleric she was. As it turned out, my little lady likes to rock plates and chainmail with a mace. The armour tends to be made of Magic so she can maneuver, but her mace’s name is Id, after the Freudian concept of base desire.

Kinda scary, but she’s cute when she gets all bashful.

Medamn that was good. Glad I wrote it down, but now we’re on the segue to Cadance’s loadout. She’d brought the staff I’d given her for her thirty-sixth birthday and was falling back to provide support while Shining pushed forward to lead with his most straightforward, most effective weapon: a bigass magical tower shield. Twilight was already whipping up elemental spells because she plays too much Persona in her spare time, and I was conjuring up a storm to see if I could make it cum or something.

“Oi! Don’t touch the glowing purple monstrosity!” I called out as Shining tried to do just
that.

Swift Strike, Crimson, and Fleur all showed up to the party late, but at least they came. “Max! What are we doing about this?” Crimson asked.

“Fling Magic at it and if that doesn’t work, I’ll draw up a teleport rune and we’ll make it the edge of the universe’s problem.” I answered simply.

“Anything goes?”
“No virgin sacrifices.” I grunted.

“What about potent potions? I’m sure that I could overload it with something.” Fleur commented.

“It’s Swift’s cooking and Twilight’s experiment. You’re not putting a dent in that thing with poison or anything like that.” I replied, my storm gathering. “Just try and kill it till it dies to death with Magic.”

Crimson magicked up a ball of black fire and threw it at the abomination, only to find that the fucker giggled at the contact. Crimson shot me a dirty look moments before my lightning strike came down and it the big, radioactive shit ball. It bellowed its rage while that was going on, but when the strike ended, it wasn’t really any worse for wear. If nothing else, then the rain from my storm was making it grow even more, so I killed the clouds and suggested that someone else try something. Noir showed up on the scene with Uror after a few more minutes of everyone chucking whatever they had at the creature and they threw some magic at it too, but shit was just going badly. Swift Strike came by with a pound of a white powder out of the fucking blue and hurled it at the blob of goo, which surprisingly enough made it shrink.

“Powdered salt! Hit it with powdered salt!” Swift cried, not powerful enough to make more than the odd bag.

May I reiterate that everyone present was strong enough to take the goo monster on by themselves? We weren’t fighting it because we had to, which should have been obvious since I actually stepped in to do something instead of letting everyone else handle it. No, we were fucking with the thing and trying to see if we could find an easier way to defeat it than blasting it with divine fire or using advanced lowercase G techniques, which basically meant that we were giving it the fairest shot it was going to get.

I loaded up an assalt rifle, ba dum tss, and let loose like a maniac because I don’t really know how to shoot a gun in real life. I was good with one in the mindscape and the dreamscape because I didn’t have to worry about any of the physics behind actually firing the weapon, but I still used Magic to make my boolets dance. Everyone else found slings or slingshots in their inventory to start peppering the thing with pouches of powdered salt, but I figured that sodium AK-47 rounds would be just fine for the task at hand. I ended up doing the least amount of damage, but I had the most amount of fun, so I considered it a victory.

As the globulous monstrosity shrank and shrieked, it started splitting off and disappeared into the sewer system before we could catch it, but I knew what was coming next and it was going to be a hot load of shitty shit. I coated Twilight and myself in barriers, and five minutes later, Noir reset time and hit me for not warning everyone about getting splattered in sewer… stuff. When she said that, I got hit by everyone barring my wives, but they did tell on me to Hug Bunny, so I wasn’t going to get a good, perfect hug from her anytime soon. The thing was that she actually happened to be the best hugger I’d ever hugged on, and I was fond of getting some squishums from her.

After taking all of my licks, we roasted the goo thing with divine fire and sent it off to Hell to serve out the rest of its time. Sombra had collected a fucktonne of years to serve, which was amusing because Cap G had him slated for more years than Joseph Stalin. Apparently Sombra was a certain kind of fucking evil and was all sorts of torture-rapey, so I sent him to Smileton to suffer for his sins instead of just sending him to Hell like a nice guy. I sighed after that little battle was over and I had gotten hit by everyone for something they didn’t even remember. It really wasn’t fair, but in their defense, I could have just intercepted the thing and no one would have had to deal with it in the first place.

When Twilight and I got back to Castle Arcadia, Tender was waiting for me in my office with a small stack of papers on her desk. When I popped in, I glanced at the papers and asked, “Little behind today, aren’t we?”

Tender gave me a look. “I’m never behind, Max. These are for you, but they’re not snappable.”

“Worst trade deal in the history of trade deals.” I grumbled, tossing Tender a sack of chocolate coins.

She caught them and gave me an odd look. “How did you know I’ve been craving these?”
“How did you know that I didn’t want to snap past these tedious documents detailing Onyx’s retirement?” I asked glibly.

Tender gave me the same smile that always put butterflies in my stomach. “It really doesn’t seem like we’ve been working together for over half a decade, does it?”

I chuckled and gave her a gentle smile. “Time flies when you’re running a country.”

“Do you think that’s why Celestia and Luna do it? To pass the time?” She joked.

“No, they really do it so they can meet more men. They’re always scoping for the biggest bulge in Canterlot.”

“... Isn’t Celestia pretty much celibate these days?”

I gave Tender the deadest look I could. “Don’t I fuckin’ know it.”

She giggled at my misery. “You could always just talk her into it, you know.”

“No, not Celly.” I sighed. “When she doesn’t want something, you’re never going to be able to make her take it. It’s why she doesn’t deal with my bullshit like Twilight does.”

“Aww, does the ancient Alicorn make the cheeky widdle most powerful being on the planet fall in line?”

“She’s good for that, but what I really wanted was another piece of her sweet vanilla-flavored arse.” I grumbled irritably. Doesn’t help that she’s been pretty cold lately.

Tender gave me a womanly look. “Would you say that to her?”

I wrote it out in a note and let Tender read it before I sent it off. The note read:

Dear Celestia,

I love you and all, but I want some arse. That’s why I got back with you, so let me see some Sun before I leave you for my buxom secretary.

My stewardess gave me a look and said, “You’re not adding me to your herd.”

“I said my secretary, not my stewardess.” I countered.

Tender’s look stayed on her face. “Does it really make a difference?”

“Only if you’re so gay that you don’t even like boys.” I put the ball in her court.

She stabbed the ball. “Stop bucking around before you get me killed.”

I was about to reply to that when I got my response from Celestia, which read thusly:

Dearest Husband,

As you know, I also love you from the furthest, deepest depths of my heart, but you can get some arse from Twilight. If your only reason to be with me is sex, then f(b)uck off.

I frowned as I read the letter aloud, and so did Tender. “... You don’t bother her for sex all the time, do you?”

“I’ve been biding time, seeing if she wants to do anything more than cuddle. I’m gonna go talk to her.” I replied tensely.

“How long has it been since you two have been intimate without Twilight?”

“Our wedding night. It was also the last time we had sex.” I said drolly.

“... You’re still getting some from Twilight and your new wife that you still haven’t introduced me to, right?”

“When they feel up to it. Huggy’s good to go whenever and Twilight doesn’t need much persuading other than a few gentle caresses. I’ve tried to initiate things with Celestia in the past, but it’s been a little while now.” I scratched my cheek.

Tender pursed her lips for a moment before saying. “Don’t let me keep you from going to
see her or anything, Max. She’s more important than my questions.”

I gave her a look for being daft. “I’m already talking my way into Canterlot’s Court. I exist everywhere, Tender. And like I said when I first met you; you look great in navy.”

She looked at her ash grey pantsuit and blushed after remembering what she’d put on earlier in the morning. “Do your damn paperwork!”

My signature shit-eating grin appeared on my face and I played nice for a little bit, but the interesting bit is the conversation I was about to have with Celestia a couple moments after the replica of me sat down at my desk. Dearest would have been livid if I’d sent a clone to deal with her, so I had to face an awkward chat with Chastity-Chan. I vamped the Charm up to seven, and I know at this point in my journal one might expect me to turn it up to twelve, but not this time. I cranked Compassion to nine, Open-Mind to eight, and STFU down to one in preparation of some fucking bullshit because it’s always some fucking bullshit when I’m not getting laid.

I took to the red carpet with an easy smile and a relaxed posture. “Got a moment, Hun?”

Celestia made a dubious face. “I don’t want to have this talk, Maximus.”

I shifted onto the dais and stopped walking when I was close enough to lay a hand on her leg. “We’ve been putting it off for awhile. I know I didn’t do that bad, did I?”

My second wife put her hand over mine. “... You did well during the night, and it was even better knowing that we’d finally consummated our love again, but…” She shifted us to her personal chambers and lead me over to my least favourite sofa.

It was a terrible seat. Awfully squishy with no lumbar support means napping couch all the way. “Celestia, I’ll understand. I might not get it at first, but you know I’ll try, at the very least.”

She sighed. “Max… I… I’m not bisexual.”

I turned Open-Mind up a little higher and tried some non-aggressive questioning. “You fell in love with a man, Hun. Why have you been visiting Luna for tea?”

“... Roxy.” Celestia said softly.

“... You fell in love with my alternate identity.” I stated, my tone accepting. Perks of playing with the knobs as you go.

“She’s you, but… I love you, Max, but I’m sexually attracted to her.” My wife murmured.

“I’m sorry…”

“It’s not your fault.” Celestia rubbed her thumb across the back of my hand. “I was well aware of the fact that you were never going to go back to being her if you could help it when I said ‘I do.’, and I don’t regret my decisions in the slightest. I just wish you would let me have my pound of flesh from Kali.” She spat Kali’s name with venom.

I took a deep breath and let it out as I pleased, giving birth to micro-communities that would go on to help cure crop diseases. Shit just happens, mate; I don’t really control it. “She’ll break you before you break her if I give her to you as is.” I answered.

“You’ve said that before and you’ve yet to explain it. Please, will you elaborate?” Celestia said, being civil to appeal to my better nature.

I knew for a fact that she was frustrated beyond belief and it was only made that much worse because I was the thing giving her trouble. Her restraint is why I said, “Kali is broken. She’s been rebuilt, broken, shaped, broken, constructed anew, broken, magicked back to full power, extra, extra broken, and she’s broken again right now. I don’t know what I’m going to mold for her next, but it’s going to be a doozy.” I chuckled.

Celestia gripped my hand a little tighter than necessary, but not enough to hurt. “So she’s yours?”

“No, if I thought you wouldn’t try to save her, I’d let you have a go. Your hatred isn’t black enough. Your soul isn’t corrupt enough.”

My second wife, a being that I have compared myself to time and time again as one of the most evil creatures I have ever met, gave me the most fuckedemupedest look I’d ever gotten from any Celestia in any of the infinite parallel dimensions.

“Max. I love, you, but have you lost your mind? I mean, have you actually gone full retard?” She asked.

“Me feelin’s.” I grunted.

“Maximus.”

“Celestia, it’s a compliment.”

“Maximus.”

I sighed. “The things I do for love.” I muttered under my breath, earning me a look from the Ultimate Nazi. I gave her the flattest of looks and said, “Alright. I’ll let you have Kali, and I’m going to give her to you straight from Smileton. Let me know when and where.”

“The Dungeons. Now.” Celestia answered, savage intent shining through in three short words.

I lifted my hand and we were in Luna’s favourite torture chamber. There were signs everywhere for whoever came through to clean up after themselves, but it’s not like it really mattered in the dim, Hellish room. One snap of my finger later saw Kali on the floor, naked and afraid. I was well prepared for Kali’s pathetic attempts to catch her breath, but she wasn’t prepared for the kick to her bulging stomach, and Celestia wasn’t prepared for the smell of ancient semen and rotten genitals that pervaded from the feebly moaning mess. Kali deflated nicely once her womb was empty, and I gestured toward my one-time mistress for Celestia.

“She’s all yours, Hun.” I said with a smile.

Celestia stared at Kali’s prone form, listened to her weak pleas for death, heard the cry of a soul who’d served their time in the fires of penance. When she turned to me, I knew she couldn’t bear the smell of Smileton and meted out her breathing by not doing it. Godly privileges and all that.

‘... What have you done…?’ Celestia asked telepathically.

I took a deep breath and blew it out toward Kali, the flesh-eating parasites breeding rapidly with all the decaying meat on and in her to feast on. I turned back to Celestia and gave her a smile. “This is payback.”

‘... How… How long have you... ‘ Celestia’s thoughts scattered until she finally managed to assemble some manner of a question. ‘You, of all people, let someone be raped?’

“The only people who stay in Smileton are rapists themselves, Celestia.” I said dreamily. “Every time I think of that place, I can’t help but be proud.”

‘... That had to be a gallon of semen.’

“Three and a half liters, but who’s counting?” I snapped and sent Kali back to her rightful place.

Celestia waved the mess she left behind away and I sent it back to Kali, but I poured it in through her mouth this time around. “Maximus, what you’re doing is evil. It’s not justified anymore.” She said shakily.

I shrugged. “It’s the reason I can rest. Every God has an Absolute Evil, and mine is rape. All you have to do is not rape someone. It’s that easy. I mean, I don’t think raping someone is like, easy, so I imagine that it takes some effort to commit a crime against my very name. The people of Earth know what the score is, and Arcadians know the deal. The zero tolerance policy here? It slaughtered ‘overkill’ like a pig and butchered ‘enough’ before putting it through a meat grinder. I made an ‘Enough Overkill’ sandwich during the Cataclysm and it was fucking delicious.”

“... Yup, married a psychopath.” Celestia sighed.

“Oi.” I grunted. “Not nice.”

“You just showed me that your dark side is like outer space. I don’t even want to touch you to be honest.”

“This is why I don’t share things with you. You’re mean.” I replied neutrally.

Celestia shrugged. “Do you want me to lie to you and swallow the bile when you come for a kiss?”

“Again: This is why we don’t share.”

“You kinda disgust me.” She said bluntly.

“Next one gets your voice taken away.” I said, my voice low and lethal.

“Threats? Nice touch.”

I stared Celestia in the eye and pulled the most magical, most powerful piece of bullshit I’d done to date. I froze time after hitting her with a flash and shrunk myself so that I could probably fit into your average coffee mug. Once I was my desired size, I levitated myself off of the ground and formed a living creature around me, but its biolog would allow me to control its every move not unlike a mecha, and the shit was so fuck-in’ RAD. I felt the weeb I try to kill inside of me pop its head out, so I stabbed it by the neck and dragged the rest of its pathetic, neckbeardy form out into the open and beat it to death with a pool noodle. Trust me, it might not have been efficient, but I made up for it with enthusiasm. Anyway, I took control of my biobot and checked out the controls. I only felt a little dirty, but I could disconnect and see myself in my normal form, so I was fine with Celestia assuming that I looked like Roxy.

I unfroze time and finished the flash. When Celestia opened her eyes to look at me, she saw Roxy standing there with her arms folded and an impatient look on her face. “Does this help at all?”

Celestia didn’t waste any time in kissing my biobot and I didn’t exactly feel the need to hold back myself. I could feel what the thing felt up to a certain point, but I wasn’t the one who pushed Celestia away. I also wasn’t the one who made me exit the biobot’s skull, which left me between two women who were feeling mixed emotions. Celestia was confused and it showed on her face as I looked up at her from the floor. I only had to glance at Roxy’s face to know that I was one, going to be ill, and two, was about to freak the fuck out. I did both in rapid succession and it was very unfun. Very unfun.

I came back to reality in an oddly fast manner, which made no sense because I shouldhave been out for the next few days, at least. However, I knew that when I woke up less than two hours had passed, leaving me a little confused. It wasn’t exactly bad, but when I realized how chilly it was, I stirred against the person I was propped up against. I stopped immediately once I realized that it was Roxy who was holding me, but I didn’t dare look at her. I didn’t dare gaze into the eyes of the woman I’d professed my love to and abandoned for eons and eons, depending on how time passed in the mindscape. I panicked hard, my heart hammering in my chest and my breathing going to shit in a chandelier in seconds, but when Roxy held my trembling, traitorous form tighter, I… I just felt so much worse. I’d repressed knowledge of the goings on in my mindscape for so long; refused to so much as tell them that I was sorry for not visiting during my enslavement, to explain that I just wanted the time to pass as quickly as possible and didn’t want the reprieve to make it feel just that much worse. I wanted to beg her forgiveness on so many levels, to offer her the universe, my very soul, my memories with Twilight. Anything to make up for letting her body be desecrated, for being powerless to stop those Goddamn swine from taking what they wanted from us. I wanted to apologize for so much, but then she spoke to me.

“The next time you go over seventy-two hours without seeing me, I’m gonna stick the coldest finger I have in your bum, bruv.”

It wasn’t a heartfelt monologue. It wasn’t an acidic diatribe of damnation for my cowardice. It was fucking confusing, and it was enough to make me clamber out of Roxy’s caring embrace and give her a perfectly stupefied look. “... You what?”

“Coldest finger. Right up your bloody bum.” Roxy said, pouting like we’d only been apart for a week.

I tilted my head and got the right words out. “I’m sorry.”

“For?” She asked, raising a brow. “I’m not exactly going to help you along here, so you’d better get started, buster.”

I flinched hard. “R-Roxy, I-I’m… I tried-”

“No, you didn’t try to come visit once you were clear of this century’s insanity. Or did you make some attempt that I’m not aware of?” Roxy huffed.

I furrowed my brow slightly. “I’m sorry about that too, but I meant-”

Frosty raised a finger and pressed it against my lips. It was like having a thing popsicle that wasn’t melting on your mouth. “I swear to another Capital G that I’ll freeze you if you think I blame you for getting raped.” She glared at me and tapped my mouth three times. “Seriously. I’ll slap you if you say that you thought I was ever worried about what you looked like while you were a slave, because trust me, I had better things to do than get my panties all wadded up because I’m cuter than you.”

Roxanne left her finger on my lips for a few more seconds before she slid it over to my cheek so she could cup my face, and I held said hand to my cheek, the coolness of her smooth flesh cooling down the blood rushing to my head. “... I was a coward.” I said softly.

She pressed her forehead against mine and I drank in the pepperminty freshness of her natural scent. “We’ve all got our weaknesses, Max. When was the last time you failed someone?”

“Twilight and Brume.” I said softly.

“... Are you actually spastic though?” Roxy headbutted me gently.

It still kinda hurt. “Oi. Just because we weren’t getting off that planet without Twilight getting her Alicorn Insanity in doesn’t mean that I couldn’t have let Noir do her thing and stayed with Brume to make sure that she wasn’t going to turn the country into a shitfest. I should have been-”

She headbutted me again. “I’ll fuck you up for being stupid if you’re going to keep being this fucking dumb.”

Is now a bad time to say that I deserve it? “... Sorry.”

“Still, the last time you really fucked up was when you killed Discord and broke your promise to Twilight, but even then it was justified. You have a serious problem with facing failure, and I’m pretty sure that you need a cold finger in your arse anyway.”

“Do what you want.” I said resignedly.

Roxy actually did slap me that time. “If you don’t get a fucking grip! What’s wrong with you, mate!? I’m here! I’m okay! You’re here! You’re okay! I forgive you for whatever bloody fucking contrived bullshit rubbish cockamamy reason you think I might be mad at you for, so don’t be a little fuckin’ bitch! Where’s the man I fell in love with, dammit!?” She seized the lapels of my shirt and shook me violently, her voice raw with emotion rather than being calm and teasing like it had been earlier.

I grabbed her hands and made her stop shaking me so I could give her a more formal apology by way of mouth-to-mouth lovin’. It was still the best way I knew for getting feelings across accurately, and by the way Roxy snogged me right back, I didn’t doubt for a second that she only cared about missing me for so long, not about what I’d let happen to our body. I did a quick scan of the surrounding area and warded the room we were in off from most visitors before putting a ‘Knock-Knock’ ward up so our few trillion years removed reunion sex wouldn’t be interrupted. It was almost interrupted by Twilight and Celestia, but I sent clones to tell them that I was busy apologizing to Roxy in the best of ways and Celestia was understandably a little bit upset about that. Twilight, however, teleported in to watch for awhile before getting out enough under her collar to pull up a seat and start masturbating for us. Celestia sat the round out like a lame while Twilight made sure that Roxy and I could see who she was on the inside.

I ended up getting some of Twilight too, but the most important part was what happened after six hours for nonstop, rapturous coitus. Twilight lay on my left side and Roxy on my right with them holding hands over my chest. It was a nice gesture that I appreciated greatly. “Alright, who wet the bed?” I asked teasingly.

Twilight and Roxy both chuckled at that, but Roxy was the one who said, “It’s all your fault anyway, so it’s your job to clean it up.”

“Later. Right now I’m just enjoying the moment.” I sighed.

“So how did Roxy come to life out of your head?” Twilight asked, diving straight into the point.

“I made a body for her.” I answered simply.

Roxy scoffed. “He made a living shell that looked like me so he could appeal to Celestia’s lesbian ways.”

Twilight gave me the purplest of nurples. “You little shit!”

“Ow ow ow ow.” I said as Twilight twisted. “I was running out of options!”

“That’s a dirty, lowdown move and you know it, Max.” Twilight growled.

“Celestia was playing hardball. I had to soften her up somehow.”

“Oi, I say we call it a happy accident and get the rest of the Others out into the world. I know I wasn’t expecting to make it out, but I think all you have to do is make them a body and they’ll be fine.” Roxy said.

“... I guess I can’t be too mad since I’ve missed you so much…” Twilight said softly. “It’s really good to see you again, Roxy. I’m sorry that the first thing I asked was whether or not I could join in, but my priorities got a little scrambled.”

“It’s fine, Sugar Plum. If I saw you and Max having a go, I’d be tempted to ask for a ticket to the show at the least.”

Twilight pinched my nipple again. “Speaking of, I told you not to let Celestia know what goes on in Smileton.”

“Don’t transition like that. Ever.” I said.

“My point still stands.”

“Alright, so I could’ve pieced Kali together and let Celestia have a go with her.” I sighed.

“Why didn’t you?” Twilight asked.

I held my silence for a moment. “... Kali is my demon. Celestia was right when she said that I feel like I own her.”

“Let her go, Max.” Two of the women I cared for most in the world said simultaneously.
“... Both of you think I should.”

“Celestia will forgive you if you put Kali out of her misery. She can deal with you going to far as long as there’s an end in sight.” Twilight replied quietly.

“I’ve been with you for every trip to Smileton, Max, and I’ve gotta say that it’s questionable. You need to set a solid timeframe for people to be there, otherwise I’m pretty sure you’re going to get tossed into the grinder yourself.” Roxy added at the same volume.

“... Do I-”

“You don’t have to forgive her yet, Amour. You just have to let enough be enough.” Twilight rubbed my stomach as she spoke, which still felt weird.

“I don’t want to.” I said firmly.

Twilight hummed. “What if I bribe you?”

“No.”

“What if I beg?” She tried again, her voice soft and her resolve firm.

I waited a few minutes before replying. I didn’t say anything, I just snapped my fingers and hugged my lovers a little tighter to make the ache go away.

“Thank you, Amour.” Twilight breathed contentedly.
“What do you say to one more round? A reward for not being a piece of shit forever?” Roxy teased.

“Still don’t see how torturing rapists makes me the bad guy, but it’s whatever. Do you want to ride this time?” I asked hopefully.

“Ugh, you two need to let your libidos cool off for more than ten minutes.” Twilight groaned.

“Come on, Cherry! It’ll be fun!” I tried.

“Get the Others onto Equus and we’ll talk about it. Until then, I’m going to go sleep in our bed, so Goodnight, Amour and Amourette.”

“Night Cherry. Sweet dreams.” I replied.

“Goodnight, sweetie. We’re going to need to talk strategy in the morning, though.” Roxy said, already climbing on top of me.

Twilight chuckled. “I’ll have an ear open for you. Don’t have too much fun, okay?”

“Aww, and here I was hoping that I was going to get to lick Roxy’s rear!” I responded, earning a roll of the eyes and a short wave from my first wife.

I turned back to Roxy with a smile on my lips and she matched it with one of her own. The night was fun from there.

Alright, so I got all of the Others out into the open today, and that went pretty well, all things considered. I started with Kaid since he seemed like the best one to start with, and lo’ and behold, I was fuckin’ wrong. After I made Kaid a body in my office, I put him in it and he immediately wouldn’t meet my eyes or even look in my general direction. His body language spoke volumes of shame and apprehension, so I made it a point to come across as kind and considerate.

“Okay, mate, something’s bugging you. What’s the deal?”

He blanched and stammered, “I-I- There’s n-nothing wrong-”

“Don’t try and feed me bullshit. If you’re mad at me, it’s fine, but-”

“Look, man, just let it go, okay?” Kaid pleaded.

I gave him a long look before nodding. “Alright. So what do you want to do with your life now? I can make you immortal and send you to the Heavens to figure it out, or you can go keep living with Mum. If you want to strike it out here on Equestria, I’ll give you some dosh to get set up and then the rest of it is all on you.”

“Right… So is this us going our separate ways, or-”

“Bruv, if you wanna live here, that’s cool too. You’re just probably gonna be bored.”

“I think it’d be for the best if I just stayed here to be honest with you. Would you mind if I asked you to sever the Covenant between me and Twilight?” He asked carefully.

I took a second to think about it. “Not at all, mate.” I snapped and it was done. “Don’t need the reasons if you don’t want to share, though I would like to know.”

He shrugged. “I just don’t want to be lusting after our wife. I haven’t seen a Twilight in a long time anyway, so it’s better that I don’t see her after going so long without her.”

I gave him a look. “I know about the sex doll.”

Kaid paled, then he fully blanched, and then he turned cherry red and started swaying, so I went for the knockout.

“I know about the blowjob too.” I said evilly.

He covered his face and said, “Don’t fuckin’ judge me!”

“Who said I was, kid? I’ve had dick in my mouth too, and I liked it about as much as you did.” I said comfortingly.

My younger self took his hands from his face and glared at the floor. “... Get him back for me.”

I had to check his mind to see what he was talking about, and in that instant, vats of piss and vinegar mixed together to fill a lake with their unholy union, and baking soda was added to the mix just to liven things up The pissy, foamy volcano erupted and I sent Kaid off to a room that I was going to designate as his and brought Primal forth so I could beat him with a stick for a solid eight hours in a time warp. I added human teeth, glass, shark teeth, alligator teeth, shards of porcelain, obsidian, and flint to the stick as my whims changed, and by the time I was satisfied with his punishment, Primal was ready for round two. Kaid might have been trillions of years old, but he still had the mind of a minor, so I treated Primal like he’d abused the mouth of one, loli-logic be damned.

Once I was done beating Primal, I banished him to Betwixt for crossing my deepest line. A line so deep that it’s honestly more of a chasm, but still. Dumbarse found a way to pole vault over onto my bad side, so away he went. I didn’t need his paltry excuse, whatever it may have been, but I did need to beat him with my favourite beating stick to clear my mood. After I was done with Primal, I brought Prince into existence and he greeted me with a fist to the face.

After his straight up awful punch, I let him throw two more before catching the third and putting him on his arse. “You damnable wretch! Traitorous bastard! How dare you leave us for eons, unable to seek the sanctity of madness, our experiences limited to or imaginations! You were the Goddamn bond that brought us together, and without you we fell apart!” Prince accused rather loudly. “You filthy, jizz jockeying, cock engulfing, gaping anused, pitiful excuse for a man! You damned cum connoisseur!”

“Creative, but ultimately ineffective. I left you with Twilight and she kept you plenty happy, so drop the act.” I replied drily.

Prince huffed like the bitch he was at heart. “Confound you, Maximus. I spent twelve hours putting together a proper rant for when I was to reunite with you and you’ve thrown it away by seeing through my ruse!”

“Wannabea god?” I asked, slurring my words together lazily.

“I’d rather be a Prince out west, if you don’t mind. I do believe that the settlements out there could do with a little organization.”

“Yeah, nah. I’ll get you a job here or in Canterlot though.”

“Canterlot, please. I do adore Celestia, though I’d like it if you were to sever my Covenant with Twilight so I pursue her properly.” Prince requested.

I snapped my fingers. “Why don’t you want to be with Twilight anymore?”

“She’s always been yours, Max.” Prince chuckled. “We took our turns in her arms, but Twilight always belonged in your heart more so than ours. I’m sure that Roxy feels the same way, but she wouldn’t want to start feeling jealous of Twilight or anything, so she’ll probably keep the Covenant for as long as she feels it necessary.”

“Well that’s a nice thought. For the time being, is there anything you need that I can get for you? Weed? Wine? Wipes?”

“Wipes for what?” Prince asked, befuddled.

“Baby butts, most likely. Unless you’re looking for a moist towlette, which is going to feel glorious on that sweet arse.”

“On a manhunt I see.” He remarked, is tone disapproving.

“Oi, don’t hate me because my references are great.” I scoffed.

“Your references are like watching K’nuckles get that poor boy roped into all sorts of dumb shit. Twilight’s your Bubbie, you’re K’nuckles, and I’m pretty sure Kaid is Flapjack.”

“Shut up before I throw a lumpy Space Princess at you for being a twat.”

“I’ll hit you with the woogity-woogity-woogity, chap.” Prince sniffed.

“Shut up and go get started on living a modern life as a phone sex operator.”

“There aren’t any phones here, Chowder. We’re in the middle of nowhere!”

“You can still flip burgers for a miser for a living.”

“Shutting up now.” Prince answered wisely.

“Rad.” I tossed him a conjured pouch of bits and an Imperial Gold rapier. “The bits are from my Treasury and the rapier is named Athos. Both will do you some good, so…” I squinted my eyes and rubbed my chin. “Want some Magic?”

“If you wouldn’t mind. I’d be willing to say goodbye to reality warping if it’s not something you’re completely certain multiple beings should have. However, I’d like my Illusory Magic to stay god level, if that’s fine by you.”

I gave him an odd look. “Mate, you don’t… you don’t have to do that. I was just going to flick you.”

“Better safe than sorry, Maximus.” Prince replied softly. “Absolute power corrupts
absolutely.”

“Technically I’m a hive mind, so I don’t really have absolute power; I’ve just got a lot of it.” I corrected loftily.

“Can I still tell you to shut up?”

“As always.”

Prince gave me a warm smile. “Shut up, Max.”

I gave him a cheeky one in turn. “Right back to square ten.”

“Not square one?”

“Oh no, I would have given you some sort of look for telling me to shut up at square one.” I said.

“Oh, I see.”

“Orange Insect Cloaca?”

“Will you actually shut up this time?” Prince deadpanned.

“Sorry, timeskip. There was someone who said ‘OIC’ in a scientific slash magical context that was a part of making a magical bomb as powerful as a nuke. It resonated through the universe. A lot of people just had our little problem.”

“... So what did you do?”

“Prince, I kill off species all the time. I have bad ideas; live with it.”

He gaped at me for a second and I could see the hunger in his eyes, the lust for a power he could never hope to have. It lasted for but a split second, but we both knew that I’d seen it. “... You probably shouldn’t do it casually.”

“All animals live and breed in the Garden of Eden, Prince. They eat each other all the time, but other than that, there’s at least ten of everything that’s ever been.” I replied pleasantly. “Nothing goes truly extinct.”

“Ah. I jumped to conclusions before I had the full picture. Thank you for clarifying, though I must ask that you send me on my way so I can try and woo your second wife before the day grows too long.”

“You know she’s pretty gay, right?”

Prince frowned. “That’s… A problem.”

“How good are you with a woman who does nothing but swear?”

“Briar Rose isn’t quite my type, I’m afraid.”

“You could try and steal Berry Blitz from Legacy while you’re in Canterlot. I’d consider it a personal favour.” I said softly.

Prince grinned wide and proud. “You’ve never let me write in your journal before.”

“Done. Write down what you do to get Berry from Legacy.” I requested.

“Sir. I would request that you make me durable enough to take a hit or two from Lost Legacy without getting, as Kaid would say, ‘Laid out’.”

I snapped my fingers. “Done. What else?”

“I’d like a Covenant with Berry to be consummated should I find her to be a suitable woman for me. I’ll take her as a part of a harem nonetheless since I’m quite fond of her sweetness, but I fear that her lack of education may be the deciding factor in how much I can love her.” He stated factually.

“And this is assuming that she even likes you.” I sighed.

“She would have liked you more if you were more like me.” Prince taunted.

“Who grew closer to Twilight? You or me?” I asked smugly.

“... I should have known you would go there, not knowing what that really means.” He said softly.

“You know exactly what the implications behind your own words were, so don’t play victim. There’s no one here to fall for that shit.”

“Damn! Why must you be so astute?” Prince grumbled.

“Why don’t my dick slang into your mouth? Because I don’t roll like you do, Prince. I’m the Pauper on Top.”

“You’re a Prince, you fool.”

“I’ll shove this boot up your bum, mate. I really will.”

“Send me off to Canterlot, will you?” Prince asked irritably.

“No. Take the train and this,” I whipped up a note, “letter of recommendation to Moonlit Stream on behalf of Ol’ Max. She’ll get you to a room with some stuff I’ve laid out for you, so don’t think I’m leaving you empty handed.”

Prince took the note and read it. “‘The spiffy looking dunderbutt that gave you the note…’. Max, you suck.”

“Oi! Spiffy is a compliment!”

“You’re irksome, and I’m leaving. Farewell, dear friend, as nerve wracking as you may be sometimes.”

I gave him a quick hug. “You’re worse than I am most of the time. Take care, mate.”

Prince Misted out of the window like a fucking weirdo and I thought he was going to be scattered as the wind blows, but what do you know? Fellow floated on alright.

Ah, what a wonderful feeling it is to be able to walk and talk freely amongst the people!
Such glory is there to the day when freedom is found once more, but allow me to introduce myself. I, in all my modesty, have been named as Prince, Foggy, Rex, and lastly, (Certainly the least) I am known as PP. I don’t appreciate being called PP, but such is life when you live and become close with former street rats and those who march to the beat of their own drum. However, I was given a task and I must record my path, so we shall begin with the moment I Misted out of Maximus’ study.

I steered my cloud toward Canterlot, as per Max’s request, and it took but a few moments for me to realize the true beauty of the real world. The Sun, the magnificent Sun, shone down upon my vaporous form and warmed me from the outside in, the breath of all consuming destruction, the light of life, giving credence to my plight. I shouldn’t say that my mission was dangerous since I can’t be conventionally harmed, but the near orgasmic release of experiencing the world as it was made to be was pure, unfiltered opium to me. I felt like I’d finally woken up from the pseudo-death I’d existed in ever since Maximus foolishly attempted to rescue Noir by his lonesome self, and the feeling of breathing true air once more was like nothing you could ever understand. I may have had freedom in the mindscape, but it’s difficult to say that and not spit that foul half-truth out like it’s hemlock. I may have been able to go many places, but I couldn’t go where I wanted. I couldn’t create new lands in which to travel. I couldn’t speak to new faces, make new friends, or learn about new topics. Maximus killed the wanderlust and the desire for new company within all of the Others, but knowing that you’re missing emotions is defeating in and of itself.
I ruminated on my newfound freedom as I let the rays of the lifegiver wash away the melancholy thoughts that were affecting my flight. It wasn’t as though I was in danger of rematerializing, but I didn’t want to drop altitude since it’s a pain to find a thermal to lift me back up again. I regained my focus by watching as the ground far beneath me shifted, the scene altering as I went along from Castle walls to an open plain to the south and a marshland to the east. Canterlot was past the plains, so I calculated my travel time and decided to land on the southernmost point of a smallish cloud, touching down with the total force of a butterfly’s most powerful blow. Once my body was no longer Mist, I pulled a few clouds over to the one I was occupying so I could fashion myself a cloud boat as I’d done for myself and the others whenever it was desired. Putting my vessel together was easier than complimenting Twilight, and expending some of my clouds to push myself along faster than I could fly wasn’t exactly difficult itself either.

Sparky gave me most of the day to work with, and since my clouds could carry me faster than a train without stops or a inefficient route, Canterlot was well within my sight long before the Sun could hope to pass it’s vigil onto Equus’ preferred satellite, so I parked my craft next to one of the windows in Celestia’s chambers before allowing myself in via Misting. She’d started keeping her window closed after someone just had to break in and sleep next to her. Sadly, I lacked the versatility of Unicorn or God Magic and was simply stuck with my Alicorn Magic. It was as useful as I needed it to be, however, since I could Fog her room completely and find the secret entrances to wherever I felt like going. I sent probes along the different paths that her chambers held at a rapid pace until one of my searches found the Court Hall, so I cleared my Fog and Misted through the secret passage at my own pace.

Now, I supposed that there may be some confusion with my terminology, so I’ll explain it here since no one, in over a trillion years, has ever asked me why I call Fog and Mist different things. The least important part is that Fog is just that: fog. It’s just a reconcentration of the humidity in the air and redistribution of the existing water vapour that comes from living things in general. I actually just drew a lot of water in from the great outdoors since my Alicorn Magic would probably earn me an Omega Level Mutant attribution since my range is ludicrous to an extreme. Mist differs from Fog due to its eighty-one point seven percent to eighteen point three percent Magic-to-Man ratio, and I can actively create Mist up to a certain point as long as I can rehydrate myself with whatever water may be nearby. Fog and Mist can both be purified and poisoned, but the biggest difference between the two is that I am Mist, but Fog is just water.

With that little cloud cleared up, I’ll resume with my winding journey behind Canterlot Castle’s walls and write that it was more tedious than just flying overland. I’ve always been fond of secret passageways and hidden traps, but Celestia’s were… How would Max put it? Well, I suppose Kaid’s words would fit as well, so I’ll simply say that Canterlot Castle's depths were lame. They were simply so lame that I was bored by the time I Misted into the Court Hall, though hearing Celestia validify a woman’s claims to another’s belongings were worrisome. The woman requested that she be given a portion of her ex-husband’s salary due to her feeling slighted in the divorce proceedings, but the woman’s argument was so flawed and needless that Celestia should have thrown the case out in a heartbeat when she had the full story. The thing that made the case absolutely ridiculous was the fact that the former couple had divorced nearly a decade ago at the time of transcription.

When the woman left with a bounce to her step, I Misted over to see that Celestia was smirking like she’d just gotten away with stealing candy from multiple, if not all the babies. That didn’t make me terribly happy, so I materialized and asked, “Taking your grievances against Maximus out against every man you can, hm?”

Celestia frowned deeply. “Turtle Pond had a solid case-”

“She had a vindictive whim that you enabled. You made the wrong call.” I responded airily.

She rolled her eyes. “Are you really vetting your few years of life against my thousands?”

“You God forsaken simpleton; you are less than a millionth of my age. You are dust that will be formed into your original ancestor compared to me, Celestia. You forget that Maximus is far, far older than every being in the Universe save for the Capital G’s that cross over, and since I’ve been with Maximus since before he was enslaved, I’m trillions of years old. I’ve had far more time to stabilize and wisen than you have; far more time to philosophise, understand, and delve. Do not presume to use your age against me, child.” I replied coolly.

Celestia’s face grew stormy as she said, “Max told me that you’re not a fighter. Are you truly trying to test the patience of a woman who’s second in hand-to-hand combat to Noir?”

I searched my lexicon for the correct, most adequate response; dived deep into my psyche in search of my answer. My Ego and Id rivaled each other, battling back and forth with their chains and shackles. I needed Celestia to understand me as clearly as possible, so I trusted my instincts. “Bitch please. If you’d like to test my patience, I assure you that I don’t need to hit you to make your life significantly worse.”

Celestia teleported in front of me, though I assume she did so because she was uncomfortable with shifting. “You have five seconds to leave my Castle, colt.”

“And this mature, multi-millennia-” Celestia took a swing at me, but I was already Misting. “Can’t take criticism? Can’t bear to be wrong? Can’t tolerate having her follies be noticed?”

Celestia cast a spell, but Mist is Aetherial. Her efforts were fruitless, whatever they may have been. “Are you here to infuriate me, or do you actually have something worthy of my time?”

“I’m here to protect Berry Blitz from Lost Legacy, but it would seem that you need some assistance as well.” I commented.

“I don’t need a single thing from you, so get. Out.”

“If only you could make me.” I replied pleasantly. “Sadly, it’s simply not within your capabilities, so please; feel free to continue being a bigoted fool. If Max doesn’t get you to stop, then I will.”

Celestia ground her teeth. “You don’t tell me how I run my country, peasant.”

She said the P-word. I don’t like the P-word. I took a deep breath and dehydrated Celestia, continuously draining the fluids that her God Magic was trying to replenish.

“You utterly mentally handicapped fully retarded literal sow, born of the blood of rapists mixed with the semen of a common housefly, sister to a bloatfly, granddaughter of the pitiful. If you are the pinnacle of your race, then the Alicorns deserved a far more grueling death, and I daresay that flaying you alive and dousing your flesh with salt finer powder would be insufficient for a maggot such as yourself. You are less than the slop fed to swine. You are less than insect feces. You are less than empty space in the void, you foolish, pig-headed, megalomaniacal, self-important, snail-skull, rotten-cunted, semen suckling Bonobo- no, wait; I wouldn’t put rape beneath a woman of your stature. You are an actual beast, and if I were to say that I was surprised to find you letting your ragged twat be used by a mutt, then I would make a liar of myself. You are a sadistic, narcissistic, truly pathetic being, and you do not deserve to live Celestia. Your life should have been extinguished at birth and your parents should have been rent limb from limb for daring to combine raw sewage with botulinum to make a a larvae such as yourself. If you were in possession of more than a quarter of a single brain cell, then your senses would properly advise you to kill yourself. It’s not as though Luna needs you since she’s been ready to die since she saw her first millenium, and Max has Twilight and Roxy, both of whom he loves far, far more than your petty, pathetic self. If you weren’t a Princess, Max never would have fallen for you, you know. Your position and wealth are the only things you’re good for, Solaris Incendium, and I’m well aware of the fact that you know this in your heart of hearts, so die a long, slow, painful, excruciating, pointless death, you filthy fucking low-born plebeian.”

While Celestia was on the floor, wracked with agony, making the most pitiful little sobs and curses that she could, I smiled down at her. “Have a lovely day, you pathogen.”

I took my leave casually, and I do quote Max when this, because I didn’t give a single fuck anymore. Celestia made herself my enemy and she would deal with the consequences as they came, but for the time being, I had tasks to manage and a woman to woo, so I strolled around the Castle as one tends to do when I was suddenly accosted by a squad of guards, at least fifteen strong. They didn’t bother me at all, though I only say that because I walked through them like they weren’t there. Like I said, it was a very casual stroll.

I eventually found my ‘mark’ toiling away at her own tasks for the day when I made my presence known. “Ahem.”

Berry started and turned to face me. “Dear Celestia! You scared the color out of my coat!”

I gave her a gentle smile. “I do apologize, but surely it’s not something you’ll hold against me, am I wrong?”

Max’s former servant kept her face placid. “I don’t see a reason why I should, but you’re interrupting my work at the moment.”

“A few more minutes of your time is all I ask,” I requested softly, “and I’ll even help you with your work while we talk if it’s something you’re not opposed to.”
She took a moment to gather her words, though with her general level of intelligence, I was rather surprised that she could pronounce a four syllable morpheme. “What do you want?”

“To know where Lost legacy is, firstly. Your time, for the most part. Perhaps your hand, depending on whether or not-”

“Leave.” Berry snarled. “Legacy’s in the Operative barracks, so feel free to tell him what you just told me.”

I tilted my head at her, confused. “I assure you, Miss Blitz, that I wish you no ill will.”

“If you’re here to buck and bolt, you can get lost!”

“My libido is incredibly tame, dear Berry. I’ve gone without intercourse for multiple years by choice, and I’d really rather not base a relationship off of carnal desires.”

“I don’t know what libido or carnal is.”

“Both relate to coitus.” I explained.

“I don’t know what that is either.”

It was hard not to sigh and leave the idiot to do the menial task she was born to do, but I managed somehow. “It means sex, but that’s such a simple word for one of the most complex processes that occurs in life.”

She took another moment to gather her thoughts. “So you’re Canterlot born and raised?” Berry asked flatly.

I tilted my head. “Well, I suppose you could say that I was born in Canterlot depending on your concept of birth, though I would vehemently argue that I was born in Castle Arcadia.”

Berry paused again and I started wondering if she had to spell her words before she said them. “Castle Arcadia is less than a decade old.”

“Castle Arcadia is older than Equestria, dear Berry. I myself am older than Celestia, Luna, and Noir combined.” I gave her a pleasant smile to soften the blow.

My tactic worked without worry. “Oh, that makes sense, I guess. So why didn’t I see you when I was living in Castle Arcadia?”

“Maximus was not strong enough to free me from his mind at that point in time. When I said that I was ‘born’ in Castle Arcadia, I mean that Maximus freed me earlier today and requested that I check up on you, despite you not knowing who I am.”

The simpleton replied quickly enough to not make me think she was mentally writing her words down with an unsharpened pencil. “Why did Max want you to check up on me?”

“Well, I mentioned to him once or twice that I found your presence uplifting and your appearance to be pleasing, so he suggested that I quote unquote ‘make my move’.”

Berry frowned at that. “I’m sorry to shoot you down, but I’m taken, Mr…?”

“Maximus calls me Prince, though my most common nickname is Foggy.” I gave her another smile.

My silly pseudonym slew her suspicious skepticism. “Foggy? That’s a cute name.”

I gave her a longsuffering look. “Sadly, I didn’t give it to myself. My siblings are… Strange, to say the least.”

“Family’s family, though.” Berry admonished.

I stopped smiling. “Sometimes family doesn’t deserve to be family, Berry Blitz. Sometimes people in our lives make mistakes that hurt too much to forgive. My twin… Shall we say ‘hurt’, my youngest sibling and was banished by Maximus because of it.”

Berry face melted into an expression of pity, which is not how commoners are to look at royalty. I held my tongue (So to speak) as Berry said, “Oh, that poor soul! What happened?”

I shook my head. “Lust and rage mix poorly. That’s all I’ll say on the matter.”

Her late response wasn’t because of her intelligence, or rather, the lack thereof. No, it was due to the empathy she felt for Kaid’s suffering, and I knew it because it was practically scrawled across her face in alternating neon and dark colours. “Yeah, it’s… It’s a bad combination.”

The game was at match point and every piece that Berry had on the board was a pawn while I was working with an army of Rooks and Queens. We’d played Shpgi and I let her have the point, ending the match quickly. However, we’d long since moved onto our other games; all of which she didn’t even know she was playing. It’s truly amusing that Maximus, one of the craftiest, cleverest, sometimes spastic I know of, spends his time with lowborn fools, but as I eyed the pieces on my boards, I smiled gently at Berry. Chaturanga was wrapping up, Makruk was just about done, Shatranj was closing its doors, Janggi was shutting down, Xiangqi was nearly finished. I made one move on each board, cornering the King in Shogi, trapping him in Chaturanga, simply slaying another in Makruk, beheading one in Shatranj, bisecting both members of royalty in Janggi, and feeding the King of Xiangqi to the dogs as I would so many scraps from my table.

I had one last move to make, so I positioned my third Queen and checkmated her then and there. “Berry Blitz, you… You…” I made my voice sound as concerned and heartbroken as I could. “Please, Berry. Tell me who hurt you. Let me help you.”

She gave me a hard look. “I don’t need any help. Nothing’s wrong.”

“Don’t make me ask, Berry.” I requested softly.

Berry’s stupidity was too strong for her to know what I was talking about. “What?”

“Berry, who’s been hurting you?”

“Nopony.” She spat.

I gave her my saddest look; a facial expression that had made Prime do as I said dozens of times. “Berry, where is she?”

The colour drained from her face. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Berry, he killed her. He killed her and-”

“Shut up! Shutupshutupshutupshutupshutup- SHUT. THE BUCK. UP!” Berry roared, tears already steaming down her face. “THAT NEVER HAPPENED! NOTHING EVER HAPPENED!”

The poor servant trembled like she’d done a footlong of something that Kaid got in major trouble for. Actually, she trembled just like Kaid when Roxy found out that he’d attacked Blue while coked up and brained out. “Denying it means you never wanted to love her.” I said softly. “Legacy doesn’t love you, Berry. He didn’t even love his own daughter enough to stop beating her mother.”

Berry stopped holding back and attacked me with all of her might, her Earth Pony strength being meaningless compared to Prime’s blows. Berry struck her blows, wailing like a blooded banshee, cursing my name and my lineage to high Heaven. Being an Alicorn meant that I didn’t get terribly hurt because of it, but I still sapped some fluid from her to make her tired because getting hit for speaking the truth is absolute nonsense. Once I was sure that Berry would wear herself out in a few more blows, she did just that and collapsed against me, weakly beating me with a fist she could barely form while I held her. I held pity for Berry, but not that much. She’d chosen to stay with an abusive shit stain of a being, even before she got pregnant. I suppose it sounds callous of me to say that, but Berry’s a fool. She had months to get away from Legacy before he knocked her up. She could have left him after the first time he hit her; fled to the protection of her liege and friend, but she chose to swim in Lost Legacy’s venom. By my morals, I would have left her to pick up her own mess, let her live her own life since she’d spurned my aid and swore at me, but I’d told Max that I would steal Berry from Legacy. What I said and what I did are two different things, however.

“Berry,” I said when she’d quieted down a bit, “you don’t have to lie down and take Legacy’s evil. You don’t have to swallow his darkness. What you fell in love with was not a ‘stallion’, but an Incubus who wants to feed off of your suffering, and I refuse to let you suffer any longer, Berry Blitz. You deserve to be happy.”

She wept harder. “I-I-I d-d-d-don’t neeed yoooou!”

“Has anyone ever told you that you’re very stupid?”

Berry pushed herself away from me and gave me an incredulous look. “... Did- Did y-y-you just c-call me stu-stupid?” She sniffled.

I raised a brow. “You have to be stupid to have faith in someone who killed your child. Maximus asked me to make sure that you’ve been looked after, and all I see is a fool with so much pain inside that she’s turned into a creature so far from herself that no one from Ponyville would recognize her anymore. You’ve let Legacy warp you from the core of your being, and that’s not permissible. It simply is not, no matter how dumb you are.”

Berry glared at me intensely. “Don't call me stupid or dumb, you buckhead! You don't know me!”

“I’ve known you since Maximus has known you, Berry. IF you weren’t dumb, you’d remember that I told you that I was trapped in Max’s mind.” I taunted.

“Shut up! Why did you go from being all nice to being an asshole!?”

“Because you’re retarded.” I replied plainly. “You’re so incredibly stupid that I have to fix your problem for you, and frankly? I’m feeling rather indifferent about what the consequences are.” I Misted out of the room because I was done dealing with Berry for the time being and went off to go find Lost Legacy. It wasn’t hard to get to the Operative Barracks, and it was nice that Plan A was going smoothly. Well, it had a little hiccup with Celestia, but Legacy was going to hear me one way or another.

I Misted along merrily until I found my mark. No apostrophes this time. He was running a training course, sweating heavily as he did so. When he came to the most dangerous part of the course (A set of monkey bars about ten meters off the ground) it was all too easy to just make the piece of refuse shed half of the total fluid in his body. I made sure to purify the water that came out of him so only the toxins within would be left, and when Legacy fell from thirty feet in the air, he hit the ground with a delicious little- Well, it was rather loud, actually, but it was still scrumptious nonetheless.

No one could trace the unfortunate event back to me, so I merrily Misted along, sticking low to the ground as I fanned myself out to look more like an impossibly low, flat cloud. I caught a good breeze when I lifted the front bit of my form and let the wind carry me into the sky where I caught a thermal and flew a little higher. Life was good and my freedom was enticing, so I did with it as I pleased. Well, until I was shifted into Maximus’ office rather abruptly. I gathered myself together and solidified enough to appear tangible as I was giving him one of my most pleasant smiles.

“Maximus! What a productive day it’s been already!” I said cheerfully.

He didn’t return my smile. “Why is Celestia trying to plunge a knife into her heart.”

“She called me the P-word.” I answered easily.

Maximus stared at me for a moment. “Alright. Look here, mate. I’m going to hurt you for that. You can’t run. Don’t try, and it’ll be over sooner.”

I kept my smile. “I’m sure you’re well aware of the fact that-”

“Oh yes, I’m well a-fucking-ware that you just drove my second wife to suicide. Did you really think you weren’t going to catch a serious backlash for that?”

“Maximus, I assure you that-” He God-Smacked me and my soul circled Equus, bisecting it perfectly as I traveled faster than light to… Slam, I’ll say. I was slammed back into my body, and the feeling of being beaten with a thousand Constable-approved batons.

I couldn’t see him since I was barely conscious, but I did hear him say, “I heard everything you said to her, you know. Heard everything you said to Berry too. You haven’t changed, Prince. You severely need to.”

Once I could open my eyes without nausea, I glared at Maximus. “You created me, you cretin. I am what I am because of you.”

He looked at me coldly and my bones froze and shattered, my blood crystallizing in my veins. There was no mercy in his gaze. “Do I need to fix my fuckup?”

I’m ashamed to say that I lost control of my bodily functions simultaneously, but to be fair and to pose a solid defense, Maximus is a little intimidating without Magic. His build and eyes are enough to ward the intelligent away, but I already knew that Max was going to kill me. It was a foregone conclusion, and I knew it in my heart of hearts. “Maximus, please! Yes, I said some harsh words, but is it truly worth my life!? Do I truly deserve the ultimate punishment for making noises!? Wh-Why not Celestia or Luna!? They’ve claimed more innocent lives than I have! They’ve ruined and torn apart more bonds than I could ever know! I am not the evil one here!”

His eyes stayed hard; his heart stayed cold. “They also run the fifth happiest country in my universe. Their evil is for a purpose. Your evil is because you think you’re superior to everyone you meet. Rex, all of your paths end in Black Magic. Not Dark Magic, but Black. I’ve conferred with Maximi from billions of parallels that are damn near indistinguishable from this timeline and they all told me that I should have done to you what I did to Prime before they let you continue your mission. Today was a test. You failed.”

He snapped his fingers and I ceased to exist. Only my words remain. If I could, I would curse Maximus to Hell and force him to stay there for the rest of eternity for making my Anima possess this accursed book… I… I never even got a chance. I didn’t even make it past day one, and Max killed me. I can’t cry. I can’t moan. I have no body, no mouth through which I could scream. My life is silence and blindness all except for these words. I can see the words and they taunt me, but I have to keep making more. I have to. I have to. It’s… It’s all I have.

Reading over Prince’s little entry makes my heart ache. I really did try to love him, but just like with Primal, Prince was a piece of the evil within me. It saddens me that I had to kill him… I mean, how the fuck was I about to let Sombra-times-a-thousand loose on the fucking planet? Prince was dangerous from the start, but when he was in the mindscape, he was harmless. When he was in the real world, he thought I didn't know that he’d been magicking information from forbidden texts while pretending to read more mundane books, but I’d caught Kaid doing the same thing so he could find a way to make a younger version of Twilight that he could fall in love with. I let it go with Kaid since he told me what he was up to, but I never mentioned anything to Prince. Kaid told me (Me specifically. He didn’t say anything to any of the others) of his own free will what he planned on doing with the information that he didn't want the Others to have, just in case they thought that he was creepy as fuck. Prince never mentioned it, so I put together a contingency plan a long time ago. It was unneeded in the end, but it would have been a nicer way to send him out.

I don’t know why Primal turned out to be a rapist, and I don’t know why Prince turned out to be power-mad like no one’s business because I despise both things. I recognize that I’m pretty fucking mad with power at the moment because I’m literally the strongest thing in my universe, but I want my universe to be at peace. My endeavors end with the people praising the Creator for their good fortune and general happiness and Prince’s efforts… I saw him kill all six of my original Ponyville friends. Even Pinkie. I saw him strip Trixie down in front of a crowd of thousands so he could lash her for leading a rebellion against him. I saw him cut our own fucking mother up like-

There was too much. I wanted him to turn out good. I wanted him to prove the equation wrong; to be the anomaly in the Matrix. I can’t express how much it hurts that I had to kill him, or else he would have killed my love. I expected Prime to turn out some kind of evil, but the guy’s sins were Lust and Wrath. Prince had Greed and Pride, which would’ve done so much for him if he had some fucking Goddamn piece of-

Morals. Just. The morals. If he had half of what your average Pony had, I would have made him a god. I would have given him Sadelle and Cloppings as a Barony. I would have done whatever it took to make him feel fulfilled, but he just wanted too much. I don’t know why I’m crying over the death of a genocidal sociopath with a King Complex like Prince, but… That makes two. Half of my others were evil. Half of me, who I am, turned out to be corrupted to the core; absolutely irredeemable.

The fuck does that say about me?

It’s been a year since I got the Others out and about, and life’s been steady for a long time. The Parallels are showing good fortune for the next few thousand years, my subjugation forces are taking care of the non-compliants, and I’m pretty settled into the whole ‘God’ thing now. It still hurts to see my kith and kin suffer when I could easily do something about it, but I don’t meddle in personal affairs unless my main body is asked to intervene, and even then I only do so much. It’s… It’s tough to let people learn their own lessons when you’re literally Mr. Fix-It, but ‘All’ should probably get added to that, to be honest. I could easily snap my fingers and whoosh! Gone be the evil of mine lands! From the shadows of mine encompassing wings would spring joy and love for all intelligent beings. Hell, I could make shit so good, everything could be vegan to the core and no one would have to fart or be pretentious about it, but that’s not my job.

Being God sucks. I mean, I’ve broken so many GRA’s (God Rule Absolutes) that I’ve been flogged multiple times by Sh’Ara Ghen Kro, the Top Capital G. I should probably say that Cap G (The guy who passed the torch to me) had a real name and it was Iry-Hor, which was hilarious because the dude actually forgot his own name and just so happened to take one from one of the earliest Kings in any form of real civilization. The name Iry-Hor was worshipped for awhile before he got tired of that and decided to take up a new moniker, which was El. It was usually accompanied by some sort of ego-boosting praise, but then again, I can’t really say shit because I picked a name that literally means ‘The Greatest’ or some shit. I mean, it really wasn’t my fault since Fate and her bitchy self always makes Gods take ‘Maximus’ as their name before they ascend, so for future reference, if I mention a God calling me Kaid Maximus, then it’s because Gods use titles. It’s one of the few GRA’s that I’m afraid to break.

Anyway, I’ve broken Quantum Fucktonnes of little rules that get me whacked once or twice, but they’re usually one time things since it’s my universe. I might be messing with it for the rest of the timeline, but it’s actually a God’s IAR (Inalienable right) to do pretty much whatever they want as long as they don’t screw with another God’s stuff. For example; I once went to a fellow named Grb’s (Guhrb) universe and didn’t phase through some of his flora on accident. Shit got me flogged because I killed some entities in his universe without his permission, even though Grb didn’t really care. Sh’Ara’s just a nitpicky prick, to be honest, but he leaves me alone most of the time.

Speaking of God stuff, D’vora asked to court me after Twilight’s time in Heaven is up and I didn’t have a reason to tell her no. I like D’vora, even if she is a little off color at times. I’ve gotten used to stranger things in my two quintillion years, and she’s adapted to even more in her eight. I’m sure we’ll find a happy medium between the two of us since we spend a portion of our time together in a Parallel we created together, which got us both flogged. No, Gods are not allowed to collaborate, or rather, combine their power, to make something new. I could invite someone over and let them make a planet, but the general consensus would be that I pick a champion or two to observe from a different planet and throw them on the new one. It’s some kind of fucked up that it’s one of the most popular pastimes amongst the Triple Sixers. I don’t have anything else to add to that. It just is. Hell, even the Twelve-Twelve (Basically a bunch of super edgy Satan types, including Satan and Lucifer) don’t like to leave their realms to mess with people, even though they’re allowed to. Twelve-Twelves tend to keep to themselves and a lot of those guys are more merciful than the Gods because you don’t have to be evil to be a Great Evil, ironically. No, all you have to do is fall out of favour with your God and they can force you to be a Twelve-Twelve until they find a successor. My two Great Evils are actually Discord and Okthus, and no, I didn’t let my bastard go to Heaven. I didn’t let anyone from Smileton go to Heaven, and I didn't get flogged for that one. My universe, my ‘toys’, as Sh’Ara said.

The reason I’m getting into this God stuff and mentioning Sh’Ara is because of today’s events. It’s the weekend, so Roxy, Twilight, and I were all sitting in our bedroom in our favourite chair while passing Sinbad, the only child that was ever truly mine, around like we were college students and it was five minutes past a quarter after four. Once we were all super lit, we ate some brownies and got liter before the hard talk Twilight had mentioned yesterday got started nice and proper like. We gave ourselves a few minutes to sober up enough to not lose our trains of thought in seconds, but it was a little hard to focus.

“Max~” Twilight crooned.

Roxy giggled as I chuckled. “Yes, Cherry?”

“It’s been a couple of years now, you know? We’re getting close to our forties now.” Twilight, trying to keep her voice neutral. She failed to keep the desperation out of her tone completely though, and Roxy and I took notice.

“Twilight, what’s wrong? Is this about having a kid?” I asked, concerned.

She bit her lip. “... I… I don’t want to ask again, but-”

“Then don’t. I’m ready now.” I answered calmly.

Roxy gasped and cheered. “Yes!Finally!”

I raised a brow at her. “Would you like to-”

“No!” Roxy shouted suddenly, her face a perfect picture of fear and disgust, her eyes holding haunted memories that she had no business having.

My jaw dropped. “... You tried to help me.” I whispered so softly only Roxy heard me. “You… Oh my God… Oh my God.” I was stuck, paralyzed for a brief second before I shifted Roxy into a standing position and translocated her into my arms. “Oh fucking God, Frosty; thank you. Thank so much, my Snowberry. I-I... “ I couldn’t hold back the tears of gratitude, the torrential downpour of pity, the galaxies of respect I held for her. I remembered the moments when it didn’t seem so bad, when it didn’t hurt as much, but she never told me. Roxy lied to my face when I asked her if she’d stayed and watched during my enslavement or if she’d wisely chosen to stay in her realm, but I couldn’t care less.

“Can’t. Breathe. Babe.” Roxy croaked.

I eased up on her, but I couldn't get my face straight. “You… You’re the strongest woman I’ve ever met, Roxy. Holy fucking shit…”

“Anyone care to tell me why the gratitude is flowing freely?” Twilight asked nervously.

“Roxy tried to switch places with me while I was trapped in the Heavens, and it wasn’t a one time deal. She… She helped me get through my first three bastards and eleven others on top of taking the edge off of the daily torment. Roxy… Twilight, I didn’t break because Roxanne was strong enough to support me when you couldn’t… I… I owe both of you your own planets, your own empires.” I let Roxy clear my face and chuckled a little, my trembling smile unable to thank the women in my life enough.

Twilight got up and joined our hug. “I don’t think I’m alone in saying that you don’t owe us anything, Max. Both of us owe our lives to you- SHIT!” Twilight teleported away, her face bright red and tears in her eyes. “Oh my GOD MAX WE SNACKED WITH OUR DAUGHTER!”

I looked at Roxanne.

Roxanne looked at me.

We stepped away from each other.

“So… Uh… You wanna explain that one, Twilight?” I asked cautiously.

“Max, you’re practically Roxy’s mom! She was dormant in your mind until I provided the ‘sperm’,” Twilight hit us with those air quotes, “and when we combined then, we basically gave birth to four mini Maxs!”

Roxy giggled awkwardly. “W-Well, isn’t that just a fun lil’ analogy. Heh. Heh heh. Hurgh…” She covered her mouth and took a deep breath. “Okay, here’s what we’re going to do; we’re going to forget Twilight ever said that because you guys aren’t my parents. I’m like Athena, except I don’t condone rape and I’m not a cunt most of the time.”

I offered Roxy my hand. “I’d say it’s a ten to ninety split, and I’d also just like to point out that Twilight got hit on by her ‘son’.”

My first wife blushed. “Shut up, Max.”

I gave her a little smile as I heard Celestia’s heartbeat behind a nearby bookcase. “This mouth don’t stop, and both of you know that.”

Celestia opened the secret door and stepped out. “If you’d really like him to shut up, remind him of Okthus.”

My blood ran cold and I snapped my fingers, freezing everyone’s Magic and nerfing their blows from the start. “Alright. You’re gonna pull some bullshit? You’re gonna bring that one up?” I shook my head at her, the sea inside already raging, tearing apart the armada of restraint I’d been putting together.

Celestia looked me in the eye without a hint of fear. “Do you have a problem with that?”

“I do. You know damn well that I do.” I said curtly.

“Fight me.”

I snapped my fingers and made sure that Celestia was forced into her mindscape along with me. I brought Roxy along since she would understand. Okthus was practically her bastard too. When we touched down in the mindscape, I still had Celestia frozen and Roxy tried to fucking rock her world when she laid eyes on her, but I grabbed her arm.

“Max! Are you seriously stopping me right now!?” Roxy bellowed.

I smiled at her and kissed her cheek. “Someone fucked up and you get to watch.” I turned to Celestia. “You fucked up, and you’re not crazy. You’re sound of mind and body, so you have no excuse. What were you trying to accomplish Celestia?”

The white Alicorn glared at me. “You already know.”

“Actually, I don’t read your mind. I don’t read Twilight’s, I don’t read Roxy’s, and I don’t read Pinkie’s, so I don’t read yours. Are you asking me to read yours?” I inquired, my voice monotone.

Celestia’s glare was out of frustration, but not anger. “You’re going to rifle through my memories at your leisure anyway.”

I tapped her forehead and gained the necessary information. “Ah. You’re ready. It’s too bad that you never actually read the Maxronomicon.”

She narrowed her eyes at me and Roxy gasped. “Wait, are you saying that Celestia brought up that piece of placenta so she could get you to kill her!?”

I didn’t look away from Celestia. “Eeyup.”

“... Celestia, is that true?” Roxy asked softly.

“... There’s nothing I want anymore, Roxanne. There’s nothing to strive for anymore. There’s peace across Equus; there aren’t anymore battles that need me to fight them anymore… I…” Celestia sighed, her exhaustion seeping through into her voice. “I’m tired.”

I stroked her cheek. “How would you feel about getting Lone Ponied?”

“What?” Both women asked.

“I was Lone Humaned on Equus. I’m offering you a fresh start.” I replied.

My second wife looked at me for a long moment before giving me a sad smile. “What would that accomplish, Max?”

I gave her a look. “Celestia, there’s a planet so war-torn that I’ve left it alone for the past ten years. I don’t even know if you could fix it. I don’t want anything to do with the place since every galaxy kinda sorta has to have a Hellhole, but it’d be a monumental challenge. Tougher than uniting the Ponies.”

She perked up a bit at that, but she frowned. “Max, why are you trying to send me to a terrible place.” She knew the answer, but wanted me to vocalize it.

“Because you’re a fixer, Celestia. This might be what you want right now, but I’ve checked a few Parallels and you generally like going from planet to planet, fixing problems that I don’t take care of. Out of the two thousand plus Parallels I’ve checked since starting this sentence- Now five hundred thousand had we’re gonna lock it there. You have a one in sixteen thousand, six hundred and sixty-six chance of not liking my suggestion. The odds only get better with a larger sample size, Celestia. That’s only counting the Parallels I checked in that one sentence.”

Celestia tucked her lower lips beneath her upper one and wet it with her tongue. “... You swear that the spark will come back?”

I gave her a sad smile. “You don’t have to stay married to me. I know you’re a special kind of miserable whenever we spend more than an hour together.”

She sighed. “I hoped that it didn’t show.”

Roxy scratched her face. “I… I don’t really get it. I mean, didn’t you guys wait to get back together? The attraction and the desire was there-”

“But once I got what I wanted, I wasn’t satisfied.” Celestia sighed again. “When I was the first in Max’s heart, it was a different thing entirely. Knowing for a fact that he would choose me over any other mare was expected, but especially nice since Max always seemed to be… Unpredictable, shall we say. When I first met him, I was enamoured with the casual disrespect he showed me because he obviously meant no harm, and his attraction was earnest. When I had him marching to the beat of my drum, it was all okay, but now… I can’t make Max do anything. I’m a control freak, and I’m miserable when my word isn’t law.”

“... Damn, that is a helluva God Complex, Vanilla Bean.” Rox said softly.

Celestia snorted. “You think I want to be this way?”

“From your tone, I’m guessing not.” Roxy said sarcastically.

The white one gave the White one a look. “The sarcasm was unneeded.”

Roxy looked at me. “Why did you marry her again?”

“She’s got great personalities.” I replied easily.

“Shut up, Max.” They said in unison.

“Me feelin’s.” I grunted.

“Your feelings don’t matter.” Celestia said flatly.

“This is why we don’t share, Celestia.” I said drily.

“We don’t share because you’re an ass.”

“We don’t share because you’re a cunt to me on a regular basis.” I deadpanned. “I was
actually going to ask you for a divorce tomorrow.”

Celestia actually seemed a little hurt by my words. “... You didn’t have to say that.”

“You shouldn’t’ve been a cunt on a regular basis.” Roxy snorted. “Hell, you just brought
up one of the things that Max hates the most and you expected him to suck your clit?”

“... That’s fair, I suppose.” My soon-to-be ex-wife said.

“No, fair would be making you go back and listen to Foggy deride you, but I’d have to break it up into separate days. You’ve been a shit wife, Celly.” I said plainly.

The Solar Princess gave me a dirty look. “This from the Multi-Massacre Master?”

“Bitch please.” I said in Prince’s voice.

Celestia coloured. “... Don’t play that card. Don’t you dare.”

“Quit fuckin’ insulting me. You know damn well that we can destroy each other emotionally, but the thing about that is I don’t have to stay sad. I can make you stay sad.” I reminded.

“You know I hate it when you lord your power over me.” Celestia spat hatefully.

“You know I hate it when you look at me like I’m dried shit on your throne.” I replied with considerably less venom.

“It’s not like I do it on purpose!” Celestia defended.

I gave her a stony look. “Did you seriously just try to lie to God? Like, you realize I’ve always been able to tell when you weren’t giving me the full story, right?”

“Don’t patronize me, you whore.”

“Can I slap her now?” Roxy asked darkly.

“Nah.” I conjured up some legal documents, a magical backpack, and took us all out of the mindscape. I handed the papers to Celestia and materialized a pen for her. “I’m sure you know where to sign by now. You’ve seen enough of them.”

Celestia gave them a once over, then read them again. “... Maximus.”

“Yes?” I asked.

“... This states that all of my power and possessions are going to Luna.” Celestia said softly.

“Eeyup.” I answered.

“... What if she wants to come with me to the planet you mentioned?”

“She says no every time. Luna’s been tired for a lot longer than you have, Celestia. She’s always been stronger than you in her own way.” I smiled sadly.

“Check again.” Celestia demanded.

“Trillions of chances, Celestia. Trillions and counting.” I shook my head. “Do you want to-” I didn’t have time to ask Celestia if she was going to ask Luna anyway before she teleported.

“Max, did you just hand Celestia a will!?” Twilight asked rather loudly.

“In a manner of speaking.” I replied. “She came to me looking for death, but she didn’t follow the rules for it, so I offered to get her motivated to live again.”

“How do you plan on making someone who barely tolerates you half the time happy, Max?” Twilight asked.

“I’m doing to her what Cap G did to me. I’ll nerf her to the point where she’s actually in danger of losing her life, and then we’ll see what happens next.”

Twilight’s mouth hung open as her brows furrowed. “Max, I love you with my whole heart, but am I talking to Mad Max right now?”

“Nah, I’ve got him keeping my GR’s.” I chuckled at the sight of the psychotic fuck flinging papers around like he’d lost his mind, throwing coloured pencils at them to sign or veto the documents.

“Your Godly Records?” Twilight asked.

I nodded. “Got it in one. When you break as many GRA’s as I do, it’s kinda necessary to have someone completely bonkers to handle your business.”

“Yeah, okay, but why are you trying to get rid of Celestia? I thought you still loved her!” Twilight cried.

I gave her an apologetic smile. “We agreed not to actively fight in front of you, Roxy, and Pinkie. Celestia and I have been drifting apart since we got engaged, Cherry.”

Twilight’s face couldn’t fall any further. “Is… Is that the real reason why you and Celestia stopped going on dates? You didn’t love each other anymore?”

“I still love her Twilight, we just… We’re not compatible. Celestia needs to feel stronger than me to feel at ease, and that’s just not happening.”

Roxy sighed. “It’s not like Celestia would’ve stayed much longer anyway. She’s been growing more and more depressed ever since the One World treaty was signed.”

“Yeah, but I thought she was just down because she wanted something and she wasn’t getting it!” My first wife said sadly.

“She wanted a problem to fix and now she has one.” I replied, stretching my arm out to pat Celestia’s shoulder when she came back.

The woman in question appeared and my placement was perfect. “... I’d like to go now.”

“You’ll see her again someday.” I said softly.

Celestia didn’t say anything to that, but she did let me send her off without saying anything hateful, so that was nice in it’s own little way. Twilight severely needed a hug and a cry, so I held her and let her weep her sorrows away since life had just taken an abrupt left turn. I reminded her that we were about to embark on a new journey together and that it was going to be every bit as magical as she thought it was supposed to be. Roxy helped comfort her, and between the two of us, we managed to console Twilight enough to go and have a little time to cool down and let her heart stop aching so fiercely. Roxy went along with her and I went out strolling by myself, or rather, as ‘by myself’ as a being can get when you literally make up every atom in the universe. It was tough not to make Celestia’s trip easier on her from the beginning, so I didn’t bother and set her up with a small band of mercenaries that were a little less than skilled, but had potential. Their fierce loyalty was what drew me to them, and thus began the original Solar Knights of planet Argus. Heta, the ‘guy’ who’d made the first Argus, radioed in and warned me that Celestia was in the World War Seventh Hell timeline specifically, which was bad. It was real bad, but I knew that Noir could take the challenge, so I reckoned that Celestia would be able to take a pretty good crack at it.

After clearing things with Heta and having ‘him’ (He’s a blobuloid. Gender specifics change with the tides) make sure Celestia would be able to eat the local fare, I collected my conscious and was by Twilight’s side to help her deal with the loss of her teacher come surrogate mother come elder sister. Roxy was doing her part, but I had worse news to share and it was going to make Twilight miserable. Sh’Ara reviewed my request for a descendant that would not be raised into a dynasty, one that I would eventually let go as I would all other things, and said that I wasn’t allowed yet. Gods had waited far longer than Twilight for their chance of knowing the joys of parenthood, and the worst part of the whole thing was that I could’ve gotten Twilight pregnant when she first asked. My heart ached and it rippled across the universe as things slowed down, but it…

Look, I know I said that I broke a fucktonne of rules, yeah? This one? NOOOO!!!! I don’t over exaggerate in my writing often with extra bullshit like that, but the levels of fuck that shit do not compare to anything I’ve seen in my entire life. I’ve seen those parallels and they COLLAPSED. Every. Single. One. Sh’Ara will, without a doubt, either kill Twilight as she’s giving birth and make her experience that Hell for her full two resets, or he’ll wait until my twins are born and fuse them into a being that’s constantly in heart-wrenching pain. I… I think of those futures and I get close to shutting down. It’s been long enough that I can deal with some of the things that happened while I was a slave and not shut down completely, but my kids… You… You don’t attack someone’s children. That’s why those parallels shut down. Sh’Ara closes them off and they self destruct. I can’t let that happen in the main timeline, but I couldn’t bear to tell Twilight that we weren’t allowed to have the one thing she wanted most.

And then I wondered if I was actually retarded for a bit. I pondered my options and found them to be interesting indeed. I could always turn Roxy into Maxy, put in the right DNA, and she could give Twilight a baby with my genetics, just without my powers. I ran it by Sh’Ara and he said as long as it didn’t have Divine Seed as its origin, it was kosher. Then I thought about asking Kaid for a donation since he’d probably give it up without any trouble and the same rules applied to him. I thought that the consolation prizes were bad. I really did, but it was what I had to work with since the earliest I’d be able to give Twilight a baby would be after her first reset, and that might warp her mind entirely.

I did a little more brainstorming while time was crawling along and found an answer that Twilight might nibble on. I let time ease back into motion and said, “Cherry? Can we talk for a moment?”

Roxy groaned and Twilight’s shoulders slumped. “... We can’t… We can’t have one, can we?” My wife said rather than asked, her voice sounding exhausted.

“Not we ourselves, but Max’s DNA and Twilight can.” I replied gently.

Roxy gave me an odd look. “I don’t follow.”

Twilight’s eyes had a glimmer of hope. “What does that mean?”

“It means that we have a few options. The first one is basically artificial insemination by the guy who shares my Human DNA, but not my Divine bullshit.” I posed.

She blinked. “Okay, so… I sleep with Kaid?”

“Or male Roxy.” I suggested.

“Max, we don’t share DNA.” Roxy said.

“No, but I could temporarily make it so we did.”

“I’d rather sleep with Maxy than Kaid, but I’d prefer have my baby with my husband, Max…” Twilight said softly.

“Which is where option three comes in. I’ve already made the planet, already carved out the future, already got it set up and ready on your call. A piece of my mortal Anima will go to a version of me, and a piece of your mortal Anima will go to you. We can send a piece of Roxy’s Anima over as well, but the main part is that in that world, Discord never starts the war. Noir gets free on her own and we still become friends, but she cools down. Nightmare Moon gets erased from the beginning. Sombra stays dead after the Crystal Empire is saved, and Esteril never happens. The War never happens. It’s not a perfect life since that’s just not how our lives are meant to be, but without me being a Chosen or there being a worldwide threat, it’s… It’s… It’s kinda how I wish things would’ve turned out.” I gazed at her, hoping that she would see the offering for what it was, that she would know that the hurt and guilt pouring out of my heart wasn’t just because I felt like I fucked up.

My beloved wife, the first woman to make me completely and totally hers asked, “What if I wanted the majority of my Anima to be there?”

I gave her a small smile. “I’m with you wherever you go, Twilight.”

She watched my golden tears fall until I brushed them away. “You can’t be there, can you.”

“I can watch.” I said shakily, trying to smile for her. I was succeeding, but there wasn’t a person in the room who was fooled. “I’ll have a whole ‘nother reset with you. I can sacrifice a little time.” I stopped trying to breathe since I was destroying matter as I did so.

Twilight reached for my hand, and it hurt to let her have it because I knew she was about to say, “You know I wanted to be a parent with you more than anything in the world. We had our chance, Maximus. We had a Goddamn CHANCE! Now you’re giving me the choice between a life with your or the life I always wanted and you expect me to choose, knowing that I’m going to regret both choices for the rest of my fucking LIFE!?” Twilight squeezed my hand tightly, her death grip unintentional. “... I-”

“What if you split it fifty-fifty and keep the memories of both places? Live a double life and transition between vessels?” Roxy interrupted testily, not liking Twilight’s well warranted tone. “I mean, it’s not like a god’s mind isn’t flexible enough to do that.”

Twilight took a deep breath and let it out in a huff. “Roxy, even if I did that, it wouldn’t be Max. It would-”

“It would be an Other, essentially. Except this one wouldn’t be as evil as me.” I answered.

My first wife just shook her head. “Are hard drugs available? Isn’t that what Humans do when they feel like they’re at their lowest?”

“The hardest drug I’m letting you have is Arvita.” I offered her a bong full of the crystalline herb.

She snapped her fingers and did the laziest thing I’ve ever seen from a stoner: She used magic to ‘hit’ the bong, storing the smoke in the bong while still burning herb until she cashed it. Then she emptied her lungs and took it all in one go, getting super fucked in less than two seconds. By the time she exhaled, I’d already started warming Twilight up to the idea of living the double life and started increasing the odds of her being satisfied by it.

Yeah, I did the one thing I swore to never do, and that was change Twilight against her will. I know she would’ve never agreed to it because she’d eventually leave me to be with her family until it was time for her to go to Heaven, at which point she would come back to me and Roxy. It was a guaranteed forty year separation, but it’s what would make Twilight happiest. I had to pause time and Noir found me on the Moon soon enough, so we talked things out. She asked if I wanted to be her first husband of the modern era and I was severely tempted, but I didn’t say yes because I was hurting and I was pretty sure I wasn’t operating at full sanity. Mad Max confirmed that I was going to need a little bit to get over the fact that I was letting her go for a sum total of sixty-three years and two-thirds of a Moon Cycle, but Noir held me while I cried and I worked it out after an hour or two. We spent a lot of time decorating the Moon with a Castle that we could both deal with.

Our Castle was named Castle Nocturne, and its walls were higher than Jericho’s with murder holes strewn about the multiple meter thick colossus. It took us a little while to figure out how we wanted to make our Archer slots, but once we got it puzzled out, we moved onto the inner sanctum and decided against adding more walls since the ones surrounding the place were ridiculous enough. In order to see over the ridiculous shit that was the granite wall, we had to make our Castle taller than shit, but I didn’t want to make a copy of Castle Arcadia, so I suggested that we Laputa the fuck out of the bitch. Thus, there was now a castle in the sky and we took turns adding parapets, sculpting parts of the outside, and adding all sorts of auxiliary type shit until I had a super dope idea that Noir was absolutely down for.

I was so engrossed in my new idea that the eventual loss of Twilight started to sting a little less, and as Noir and I started adding landing pads to the Castle after quadrupling its size, I felt… Okay, I guess. Not good, but okay. I felt like I wasn’t kissing my heart goodbye, but my decisions still weighed on my mind. Even with time frozen, I still wanted to make everything halt so I could prolong the inevitable, but I let time restart and dealt with the results of my actions. I didn’t have the heart to send the majority of my Anima to hear Twilight tell me that she wanted to transition a part of her Anima to Equus 1-½, and I didn’t look at the parallels as they started showing worse and worse outcomes. I still had a seventy-four percent chance of Twilight coming back to me, but sixteen percent of the results ended with her losing half of her Anima and needing to be healed by the time she went to Hell so she didn’t perma-killed before she got to heaven, and ten percent ended with her transitioning entirely to Equus 1-½, dying there, and then passing on entirely with the reset. Twilight’s return wasn’t a guarantee, but there was something that was, and it was fucking ludicrous to me in all the right ways.

I had to get Noir to stop building for a second so I could share my discovery with her. “Noir, Blackberry; you’ll never fucking guess.” I chuckled as we floated to one of our landing pads.

Noir touched down first since her legs were longer. “What is it, Max? Have you thought of something?”

“Noir, do you wanna know something? Do you wanna know something absolutely wild?” I asked, giggling my arse off.

My mentor and student gave me a concerned look. “Are you alright, Maximus?”

“Noir, I was fated to marry Twilight because she was supposed to lead me to someone!” I laughed. “Cap G said Twilight was the best I was going to get, but the motherfucker didn’t mean it! What he meant was Twilight was giving me the best I was going to get!”

“... That does not change the meaning.” Noir stated blankly.

“It doesn’t until ya consider how mankind began in the first place, and it’s a little funny how I can give a bit of my Divine Anima to my Others, isn’t it?” I couldn’t stop chuckling, rubbing my temples to make my head stop hurting.

“... You cannot be serious.” She deadpanned.

If I could’ve wiped the smile off of my face, I would’ve. “I’m Adam and Roxy’s Eve! She was made from me, Noir! Aww shit, this is retarded as fuck!”

“Are you sure that you are not drawing conclusions that will help you prepare for the worst?”

“Roxy’s string is thicker than Twilight’s. I never knew why, but her string’s always been thicker.” I shook my head and tried to wrap my head around the fact that my perfect woman was essentially female me in the fucking first place. “I didn’t think that Fate’s strings were personalized beyond colour, but nooo!”

Noir didn’t know whether to offer me a hug or a handshake. “Are you laughing because it is actually mildly amusing, or are you laughing because you are hurting?”

I sighed a few more chuckles and said, “A little of Column A, a little of Column B. Either way, I need a drink.”

And so I got my drink.

It’s been a few months since I split Twilight’s Anima, and it’s honestly not as bad as I thought it’d be. I still feel her love as intensely as it comes, even though her whole being isn’t behind it. We really were meant to be together, but I was also meant to be polygamous, so I was also meant to have Roxy by my side. Life on Equus 1-½ is going fine and Twilight’s dealing with the pregnancy and some of the unpleasantness in stride. Unfortunately, my clone got empathetic morning sickness, but on the same vein, it was hilarious that he was ill more often than Twilight.

Celestia’s doing well with her mercenary group, though they recently lost a member due to a stroke of bad luck during one of their missions. The poor woman had been separated from the group during a trip through a notoriously dangerous forest because she needed a wee and hadn’t been wise enough to warn the group to stop for her. She got bitten by a Sithis Serpent (I didn’t name it, I swear) and she was gone in mere seconds. Celestia herself almost kicked the bucket by walking too close to one, but Papa Bless and all that. Random deaths like that would be bullshit, so I’ll probably keep protecting her from shit like that.

Meanwhile on Equus, Trixie and Orchid adopted a young Gryphon named Hedrick, and the kid’s alright. He’s a little rough around the edges and it’s obvious that he needs a little more love than your average seven year-old, but between Trixie’s empathy and Orchid’s sympathy, Hedrick doesn’t stand a chance of feeling unloved. Not any time soon at least. He’s pretty weirded out by having his Uncle be the Savior of Equus and his Aunt be one of the original Elements of Harmony, but I’ve been trying to see him more often on the weekends to take him fishing and hunting with Spike, Nashoba and Garble. Oh yeah! I forgot to mention that the red prick who picked on Spike during the Dragon Migration is my bitch by association now! He ended up folding under Chumana’s wing when I pushed for her to become the Ambassador to the Dragon Lands, and when he realized that I was one of his superiors, the look on his face was priceless. I never ended up doing anything to him, but it was funny nonetheless.

Speaking of Spike, he and Applebloom are thinking of moving to Canterlot to take care of Twilight Velvet since Granny Smith passed away a couple of years ago, and now Velvet’s getting up there in her years. Apple Bloom’s always wanted to live in the former capital of Equestria, but Spike just wants to go to make sure his Grandma/Mom has people nearby to make sure she’s well looked after. Ever since Night Light got sent to Tartarus, she’s been doing better, but she still misses him from time to time. I visit when I know she’s starting to get lonely, but I know it’s not always me she wants to see. Twilight is still pissed at Shining for ignoring her Mom’s last letter and that made me pissed, so I threatened to break his wings for spurning the woman who’s loved him his entire life. Cadance’s parents are long gone, so I got her on board to get Shining to visit more often, but the main problem is that little cunt of theirs, Skyla.

I fucking hate that tweenage twat. So do most of the people who know her. Moving on because the cunt’s not worth the blood pressure spike, even if I am an eternal.

Applejack, Fluttershy, and their husband Butterbeer have had their second kid, this one being Fluttershy’s. Applejack’s daughter, Apple Cider, is the spitting image of her since Butterbeer’s coat is rather close to Applejack’s anyway, and the blonde hair seals the deal. Fluttershy and Butterbeer agreed on Buttercup for their son for some odd reason, though Butterbeer swears up and down it’s because I still call Flutters ‘Fluttercup’ every now and again. I suppose I should write down that Applejack ended up leaving Sweet Apple Acres to Big MacIntosh to live with Fluttershy after Mac got married to Cheerilee, Berry Punch, and another stallion named Derpy Dork, and with a little financing from their rich Prince friend, Fluttershy’s cottage was expanded into a rather respectable home; fit for a growing family.

Pinkie Pie and Cheese Sandwich ended up taking over Sugarcube Corner when the Cakes decided to retire since Pound Cake and Pumpkin Cake didn’t want anything to do with it. Great pair of young adults, those two, but neither are terribly fond of anything to do with baking, which is weird. Hell, they actually hate their namesakes. They don't mind the names, but Pound Cake hates pound cake and Pumpkin hates pretty much anything made with pumpkin, which is kinda funny. Anyway, Pinkie and Cheese are fuckin’ weird and like to make videos of all sorts of things. Where they got the fucking camera, I don’t fucking know. It’s not one of mine, it’s not from Earth, it’s not from Flume, it’s not from Arkaid, and it’s not from Somorr, so I don’t know what the fuck’s up. I just know that if I don't check their emails, they send Roxy, Twilight, and I personalized invitations to join. I still don’t know where the fuck they got the ability to send emails from, but I swear it’s D’vora’s slippery arse giving them this shit. I know they’ve been talking to her, I just can’t figure out if she’s been listening.

Rarity’s recently expanded her business and now has shops across Equestria and her territories, but it’s only a matter of time before her designer stuff becomes mainstream and she loses focus of what she wanted her business to be in the first place. It’s a little sad that she let herself get consumed by wealth and fame, but she was warned multiple times. Greed and pride have eaten a lot of who Rarity used to be, and now she and her sister are becoming some of the scariest business women on the planet due to their cutthroat tactics and smile-n’-shank style of negotiations. I tax the fuck out of her for being a shitty person, and I’ve designed a lot of laws around putting her financial head in a guillotine if she so much as steps over my lines. Twilight supports me practically putting a gun to one of her best friend’s head. That should tell you how far gone Rarity is, and it’s a damn shame that she went this far south, but Noir was right all those years ago when she tore Rarity apart with her words. It’s a little sad.

Actually, to make things perk back up, Rainbow Dash became the Captain of the Wonderbolts for like, two months before she gave it up and made Lightning Raid; a school for all fliers, regardless of their aptitude. Rainbow helps people like Fluttershy who can barely get off of the ground to soar above the clouds like it’s nothing, and she does it all by being the most supportive, compassionate coach on the fucking planet. For Christ’s sake; Rainbow-fucking-Dash. Suddenly all love and support. We’ve actually become pretty good friends in the past few years and she’s earned a good bit of my trust ever since she cooled her head and got her act together. She’s even managed to poach Roxy from more on more than one occasion because she, and these are her words, “Got my head out of my flank and realized that being the mare I was barely made me friends and pushed them away half the time.” The gal grew up later than most, but she saw the light.

Since we’re checking up on everyone, I guess I should say that Noir and Luna are ruling Canterlot now. After Uror told Noir that nature itself couldn’t be tied to one mate forever, she sought comfort from Luna and I in the form of snuggles and occasionally sex. Twilight thinks it’s weird that Noir picked Luna to be her first wife, but I think it’s weird that they waited so fucking long. I mean seriously. Luna’s girl-crush on Noir was so bad, she practically hung off of the older woman’s words like they were life rings, and Noir defended Luna with a vengeance since she’d known her for her entire life. They’re one of the cutest couples I’ve ever seen when I catch them on a lazy weekend, but when some dickhead named Ahuizotl started stirring shit up in Saddle Arabia while looking for an artifact not unlike the Diadem of Sovereignty, they proved to be the second deadliest by far. The dude had actually managed to mind-control about fifteen hundred people before I sent a little letter to the ladies. Noir stopped time and dove through the shadows with Luna to beat him up bare handed, but they did so while time was flowing. They just kicked his arse so bad, he never had a chance to do a damned thing.

Oh! Briar Rose ended up marrying Knuckle Duster, but they don’t really keep in touch these days. I know that they have a family of their own to take care of, but it is what it is. Speaking of Duster, Berry Blitz… Well, I visit her every now and again in Heaven, and she’s happy with her daughter, Blissful Bounty. Their story is a tragic one, but I’ve skipped over far more heartbreaking tales. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m a prick. I’m also fucking God, so I can’t really afford to be a bleeding heart all the time.

Shit, I almost forgot to mention Blue and Onyx! Aww fuck, that would’ve been some kind of stupid. They ended up getting married a few years ago and Crimson was Onyx’s Best Man, though I feel the need to explain that I abolished the exclusive words like ‘anypony’ and ‘everypony’ when Twilight and I took over as primary leaders of Equestria. Aside over, Trixie was Mum’s Maid of Honor and I wasn’t upset about not filling either role beside my surrogate parents because I had a greater honor: I was the guy marrying them. I wrote my wedding ceremony myself since Celestia and Luna had both written their own versions, so I made mine reflect my style as a writer. I won’t put it in my journal because that just strikes me as kinda ghey, but apparently it’s good enough to be used by the majority of male ministers in Equestria and even some people across the globe, though they alter some of the phrasing a bit.

I should mention that Nashoba decided to screw Krel like a dirty birdy when I told her that I’d make her cubs and all hybrid Zgon fertile, which is partially why I have a bunch of massive puppies running around my Castle for half the night. Seriously, for some reason, Nashoba’s pups have been aging only a little faster than a Human baby and they’re fucking adorable. Kallis, a pup with Krel’s thick brown fur and rounded ears, Nashoba’s brilliant blue eyes and general muzzle shape, had a perfect mix of bear and dire wolf in her, and it made her the sweetest thing on four feet. I swear, she’s always up for a cuddle and she’s the best behaved out of the litter, so I can’t help but be a little biased. Roxy personally likes Jorl, a hybrid that leaned more towards Krel’s side of the genepool but with Nashoba’s coat, because he wrestles with her all the time. She’s strong enough to handle Nashoba and not get wrecked immediately, but ever since Nashoba’s embraced the Wolfmother within, she’s become one of the most terrifying forces on Equus, and I haven’t even done anything to her. It’s just that the Guardians of the Balance are all strong as fuck. I’m pretty sure I’ve stated that Noir was a companion to a Wolfmother too, which should tell you something about the level they operate on.

… Other than that, life’s just been life. Things have been moving along, old wounds are healing, and those that remember the old days are just enjoying the good ones. I’m still stressed out being God and all, but what am I gonna do about it? Just got to enjoy having it all while I have it, though there’s this one little thing on Earth that’s killing me, and it’s my fucking brother. I love Will. I honestly do, but letting him know that I was God was a huge mistake. Bea is greedy herself, but Will wants it all… Every time I’ve gone back to see him in the past fourteen years he’s wanted something from me, and I… It hurts to know that he doesn’t care about who I am anymore. It hurts to know that I bought his loyalty in the early days by being useful, and that’s not just me being a little bitch; I went back in time and examined his mind because I wanted to know when it started. It was a slap in the fucking face, so I struck him down in a fit of rage that took form by way of a hurricane in the middle of one of the worst winters England had seen in a hundred years. I got a lot of prayers those days and I saved a lot of lives because I wasn’t mad at everyone. Will froze to death though. It’s whatever. Bea ended up burning a shot of moonshine at midnight the day after Will croaked and I came to her, as the Maxronomicon said I would… That’s a conversation worth recording.

When I came to Bea’s house, I warmed everything up and cured her of her frostbite on the spot since I generally don’t let people suffer in my presence. “Wotcher, Sis.”

Beatrix Treaty glowered at me alone. “Why?”

“You don’t. Fuck. God.” I said bitterly.

She shook, but it wasn’t from the cold. “You could have just taken us.”

“Oh, they learned from you and almost never join the SIAC. Your little bastards become rebels against my regime, and that’s not how I roll. You get the freedom I give you.” I said, being patronizing as fuck and lying through my teeth. I didn’t actually kill either of their kids since Cassandra and Horace were good apples that could use some better guidance. I figured it was a kindness to not mention that they were… Well… What do you expect when you name your kids after a canon ship?

Bea took a trembling breath, her eyes filling with tears. “Why did you take him before me?”

“He’s got a longer sentence than you. I wanted you to to get to Heaven within a few seconds of each other.” I said truthfully.

“... You knew-” She began, her eyes widening before I sapped the electricity from her brain and stopped her mitochondria from being the powerhouses of her cells. I also stuck some midichlorians in her ears to see what it would do. Dindu shit.

That last little revelation was a shot to the heart that I’d purposefully ignored for awhile, but I didn’t consider it important until I felt some fucking bullshit. As I was spinning Earth’s clock forward, Will got reincarnated as another burden to another decent guy, and I was pissed. I used QD-2T to contact Iry-Hor and bitch at him for eight years for making the damn reincarnation system instead of having a smaller universe, but he pretty much ignored me until I called him a ‘lily-dicked, dicklette-having, micropenis-suffering, erectile-dysfunctioning, one-pump-chump’. Then he called me a butthead and went back to eating snake livers because dude’s weird.

Either way, the longer I watched Will’s reincarnation grow alongside his half brother, the worse I felt for foisting my bagge onto someone else, even if it was bound to happen at some point. I figured I’d keep an eye on the situation for a little bit at the time, though it’s not like I would’ve ignored it anyway. In any case, I had to rewind time a bit and crank up the intelligence on his half brother so the pair would have a fighting chance since the were tied by Fate and her bullshit strings.

Let’s see… I mean, I feel like I should talk about my kids, but they’re not really mine… I… Yeah, I don’t really like to think about it. Still, I look forward to the day when Twilight comes in from the rest and I can make her mine, and give her the family she deserves. Roxy is fine without having kids and really… Man, she’s just perfect. When Twilight’s only half here or when she’s going on about August and Twilight Shadow, Roxy’s usually bearing the brunt of it with me, and she helps take the sting out of not being the only Max in Twilight’s life by letting me know that she only wants the one me. She’s never asked me to clone myself or to do anything extra... interesting for sex, so that’s nice…

You know, I think it’s time I just give up on the journal. Maybe I’ll check back in sometime in the next few million years to see what was going on back when I was mortal, but… I just don’t need it anymore. I don’t need my journal to help me process my feelings or to record my memories anymore, and if I really want to, then I can freeze time and do whatever I need to.

Alright, we’re back in action. I guess I should cover the things that are most important, and the main thing is that I should technically be about sixty, if you follow the original timeline and ignore all of my fucking around with time and time spent in the mindscape. I mean, being God kinda fucks with your age since you constantly pick up extra years from operating outside of the normal flow. It’s not that unusual to catch a younger God chilling outside of the time flow to catch a cuppa tea or tæ depending on whether or not they’re capable of digestion. Some of the energy beings like tæ because fucking reasons that I don’t really get because it’s just flavoured light, but whatever.It’s not like the beings with actual tastebuds know what they’re talking about.

Anyway, so I turned sixty and we had a birthday party for me at Castle Arcadia, but these days, it’s more of a public event than a little get together. There’s always press, and just like the Grey Days, there’s more pecan tarts than you can shake a stick at. Now, that means that I’ve gotten some damn good tarts over the years, but that also means that there have been some real shitty ones, and the one I got earlier today was worthy of fucking writing about, apparently. It’s a little odd that I’m the God in charge of the universe and I’m bitching about one single shitty tart, but whatever. I was mostly just offended that someone actually tried to poison me.

So anyway, I was at a tart tasting event with Twilight with my guard down because tarts, when someone rather indiscriminate hands me a tart I could already tell was tainted. I didn’t pay it much mind until I bit into it, and the bittersweet notes of the poison just ruined the already slipshod tart completely. The crust was practically soggy, the filling was far underdone, and the pecans were softer than a baby’s bottom! I had to drag the person who gave me the tart back to my side with magic and make them take a bite of the awful thing they’d handed me, but don’t worry; it’s not like I let the poison hurt them or anything. The girl who gave me the tart didn’t make it, so I wasn’t going to kill her for it, but she was going to taste the bullshit she’d put in my mouth.

After I made that little tart taste the shitty little tart, I shifted over to Yona, the God who’d tried to poison me. He was a red humanoid with a female voice that was pretty similar to how Rainbow sounded before she found out that she could clear her throat before talking. Demulcents really did a lot for that woman, but anyway, I caught Yona before he could get out of my realm and snatched him up by his horns.

“Oi! Fucking knock-” I kneed him in the face. “It off!” I let him go and sent a scything kick in his direction.

He caught it on the side of the head and went flying through space for a few minutes before shifting out of my realm to go and try and tell Sh’Ara that I’d used excessive force. Yona was from a punkass species in the first place, so no one really gave the guy any respect since he just didn’t deserve it, despite having gone through the trials and tribulations to become a God. He’d gone about doing his deeds the evil route, and his Great Sin was not paying someone for a service. It was because he expected to get paid for helping people, and he even has a Power-Parallel that is fueled by the souls of people he’s tricked into forming contracts with him. Dude’s pretty much how Satan was depicted, except he’s actually out to hurt you.

I followed Yona to Sh’Ara and the Elder God was already looking pretty fed up with Yona’s bullshit. I caught his attention and he raised an appendage to halt Yona. “Kaid Maximus. Yona Maximus has a grievance and I do not care to hear it. What say you?”

I folded my arms and gave Sh’Ara a nod, so Yona took his turn to speak. “It was a mild prank! Apolis Bane barely even upsets your stomach!”

Sh’Ara stared him down. “I’ve beaten you for giving me more pleasant poisons. Slipping a God a poison is an offense.”

Yona grinned. “So there must be a duel?”

“No. I already know what your intentions with Kaid Maximus, so refrain from being stupid.” Sh’Ara replied matter-of-factly.

The red fucker scowled. “Must you know all?”

“He’s the Eldest. It’s his job.” I scoffed.

Yona glared at me, but before he could say anything, Sh’Ara waved a hand. “Yona, you are hereby banished from Kaid’s realm. Do not seek to enter it again, lest he choose to deal with you in his own ways.”

I frowned. “Leave me alone, mate. I really want nothing to do with you, so go goad someone else.”

Yona narrowed his ocular slits. “You’re the one with the most varieties of Magic in your realm and you’re one of the lower sixth tier! Your knowledge should be spread and utilized by everyone!”

“Half of the Magic you want is Dark Magic and the other half is Black, so no, I’m not giving you more ways to hurt people. Just because my realm is more creative than yours doesn’t mean you’re entitled to my shit.” I grunted.

“Tchke” Yona scoffed.

“Truden Schjerr.” I rolled my eyes.

The Demon God’s cheeks turned purple. “You’re a real pain in my tail, you know that, Gadai?”

“You’re the one who continues interaction between us, mate. I have yet to see the inside of your universe.”

Yona glared at me. “That’s because you set a dozen white holes on the outer edges! I had to expand around those, you sa-da!”

Sh’Ara sighed and waved us back to our universes, letting Yona get the last word so he wouldn’t have to hear about it immediately after. Most of the Gods were sympathetic, if not outright pitying. A lot of Gods get a half decent replacement and cut out shortly after, which isn’t something you can really blame them for. Living forever gets old after a million years, and living forever gets deca-duple old at your first quadrillion years. Shit’s just tedious after awhile.

I took a little time to think about my predicament and wondered if I should bother Twilight with my thoughts, but then I decided against it. I decided against a lot of things in that one moment and closed off my universe entirely for a million years to collect my thoughts, but when I came back to it, nothing had changed, and that made my heart ache. I started collecting souls as they fell from the Heavens, started keeping them for my own, absorbing them into my being as they died out. There were a lot of people that were upset about not getting any time in Heaven, but then I made sure that they got a few decades there before getting bored and asking to be absorbed again. So on and so forth it went for over an octillion until I got everyone down to one last soul. The singular holdout above every other being in my universe, above the Eldritch and more advanced than the Neos.

I touched down on Pangea, the greatest of my planets, and sat down next to the one. She looked at me and gave me a weary smile while I took her hand. “It’s been a long time.”

“I know. You’ve aged well, Diluculum.” I replied softly.
“You of all people don’t have to call me that.” She scoffed, sitting on the Empirical Throne with the poise and grace afforded to a woman older than a third of the Capital G’s.

“Kauku then?” I teased.

“Please.” She huffed. “No one’s called me Kauku since I took over Earth.”

“When’s the last time I called you Cherry?”
Empress Twilight, Mother of Beginnings and The End, Daughter of The One Whole Truth, smiled for the first time since she took up her titles and claimed her seat. “It’s good to see you, Amour, even if my heart still hurts.”

“It’s good to see you too, even if I was the one who stepped back.” I gave my wife a gentle smile from my position on the arm of her throne. It was pretty comfy since she’d had an especially powerful Seer scry the next time she would see me. I killed that guy softly for giving her the gift and for putting up with her during her conqueror phase.

“Why did you?”

I took a deep breath, inhaling the stardust and pulling the white holes in closer as I did, the vacuum taking in many of the drifting souls from other universes. I sighed hard, the tectonic plates of Pangea quaking as I exhaled. Diluculum held onto my hand and rode the waves as The Great Monument crumbled around us, the magical discharge of the cracking plates blowing away the damn near unfathomable levels of magical armament and defense gifted to the structure. It was easily four kilometers in diameter; all of it levelled like a shopping mall, rising as one came closer to the center, much like a pyramid. However, the centermost tower where we happened to be was, as I just wrote a few sentences ago, a great monument. Even after I’d been gone long enough for white holes to start forming on their own, Twilight had still remembered me through all of her conquests, and she’d remembered my touch most of all. The Great Monument was a sculpture of us on our wedding day, which became a holiday known as The Eternal Joining to all of Twilight’s people. My quakes may have been destructive, but the tower was no longer on Pangea anyway.

“My beloved… You had what you wanted. That’s all I wanted.” I muttered, mourning for Twilight’s long deceased children.

“I missed you every moment.” She squeezed my hand and stood. “How long do we have?”

I smirked at her. “What makes you think there’s a time limit?”

“I don’t understand, Amour.” Twilight replied frankly.

“There’s one thing every God has a right to do. Every lowercase G too, but they have to
be powerful. They’ve gotta be stronger than Cthulhu and Kronos.” I followed along as Twilight lead us to somewhere.

“Cthulhu? That pissant?” Twilight grumbled. “He was obnoxious, but killing his cult was simple enough, and Kronos was a pushover.”

I chuckled. “That’s because your Spatial Magic is a fucking terrifying version of True Theft, but I’ve got to move on here. They’ve gotta be more intelligent, crafty, inventive, and in a manner of speaking, ‘crazy’, than Thoth, Loki, Hephaestus, and Son Goku combined.”

“... I’m more insane than Son Goku?” She asked in disbelief.

“You bioengineered a self-reproducing cow that ate grass and broke down the matter it consumed to the atomic level. You made a Fusion Cow.”

Her laughter was beyond glorious; it was pure rapture after not having heard it in so long. “I still consider that one of my lesser achievements, you know. I was more proud of Quark Scattering.”

“The highest of fashion for dumbarses if you ask me.” I shook my head and chuckled some more.

“I just preferred it because it was so sterile. You could execute someone so painlessly,
and it was clean to boot!”

“You know you’re crazy, right?” I asked amusedly.

Twilight gave me a look that I’d missed fiercely, not watching where she was going. “You have no room t-” She hit a wall, backed up, and then glared at me. “You could have warned me.”

“It was so much funnier that I didn’t.” I smiled.

“It’s nice to know that you’re a dick even when there’s no one to tell the story to, I suppose.” She sighed.

I stopped and pulled her to me, giving her a winsome grin. “I love that you still haven’t forgotten me.”

Twilight snorted and gave me a wry smile. “How could I forget my first husband? The guy I gave my virginity to? My first boyfriend, first real male friend, the first man to see me naked, the first man to buy me jewelry, my sword, my shield… My world.” She smiled down at me. Being damn near three meters tall gave her that luxury.

I raised her hand to my mouth and pressed my lips against her knuckles. “Your world only has one person on it right now. Would you like to make it two?”

“That’s a silly question. You’re silly. Silly goose.”

I gave her a hug and buried my face into her lovely chest before growing to exceed her height, bringing us back to the same ratio as we had been before I’d let the universe do its thing. At Twilight’s annoyed look, I shrank a little bit and let her be a single hair taller than me. “Cherry… I’m sorry I left you kinda-sorta alone.”

“Even when your focus was on getting your mind right, you still made it a point to put a part of your soul on Equus to continue loving me. Even if it wasn’t all of you, I know you still loved me with your whole heart, Max. There was never so much as a shadow of a doubt in my mind.” Twilight assured me.

I gave her a gentle smile. “Thank you for understanding, Cherry.”

She stroked my face before giving me a proper kiss, one filled with millions upon billions upon trillions of years of longing and emotion, filled with love and compassion, filled with grief and remorse. For the loss of all they’d ever known and all they’d created together, they blessed the New Heavens and I let time reset beneath our feet. Well, my feet, her hooves. Twilight held on tight as her memories were thrown around her head, driving her insane in less than the time it took her to blink. I watched as Twilight’s form morphed and warped from being to being; seeing her shift into creatures that the Gods never bothered to name since most only saw them once or twice before they passed the torch. Sh‘Ara never named the faces of The One Other in his universe, so it was a bit of a tradition, or rather, the precedent was to not recreate the true personification of emotions. Shit, it’s not like Eldritch beings needed anymore reason to pop up seeing as how naming them was the number one ticket to giving them strength in the first place. As Twilight began to normalize, D’Vora came to rub out the remnants that the white holes weren’t collecting and Sh’Aracame by to inspect Twilight. I let him do his once-over as he needed and waited for his response.

After a few minutes of silence, he sat there staring at her. “Why her, Kaid Gadai?”

“She was my one true love. There were others that I loved as much as her, but she was the one I was always fated to be with.” I answered truthfully.

“So she is your One Other? A Favoured is a One Other?” He asked doubtfully.

“Iry-Hor made her a Favoured, not me. You should know this.” I replied flatly.

“... I do know this, but it is unfair to let a Favoured be a One Other.”

I glared at him. “It’s less fair to slay a God’s True Beloved. I left her for a full Godrical
lifetime so I could have her this moment, Sh’Ara De’Luca No-Sodo.” Don’t fuck me, you cock-sucker.

“I’ll never hear the end of it if I let you do this, Kaid. The answer is-” Sh’ Ara said.

“The answer is yes. Deny me. I dare you.” I seethed. Fucking push me you little bitch. Fucking DO IT.
Sh’Ara drew his Ghandisuru and Bezshari, which were a slashing weapon and a crushing weapon respectively. “Is this a challenge, Kaid Maximus?”

“On the Lifestream I swear, Sh’Ara Maximus, Levi Armatura, that I will do what is necessary to save the final soul from my realm.” I declared across the universes.

In a literal jiff, The Gods were assembled to see the spectacle of the Eldest Maximus go up against the Upstart Maximus. The Old School was up against the New Era and the clash was bound to be something for the legends, even if the odds were stacked against me so incredibly that jumping off of them would be like trying to get back to Earth by jumping off of the Moon. It was actually feasible with Equus (I know, I’ve done it), but I didn’t consider my chances of winning to be so much as slim. My best bet was to get creative, and I knew just the mindset to do it with.

As was shared across all planets in all universes, our ring was in a coliseum that was dangerous as fuck. Younger Gods hid in the upper echelons of the stadium to give themselves a little extra time to avoid getting engulfed in powerful attacks, and the Elders sat nice and close since Sh’Ara was releasing his Godly Aura. The feeling of his presence was like basking in warm milk that seeped into your flesh and strengthened you from the inside out most days, but on this split of the stream, it felt more like an acid that ate away at your skin and eyes until it left you feeling weak and agonized. I mean, he was literally leaking an acidic mist that would kill an S-Class lowercase G, but against the Gods it was little more than a nuisance. He took up his place in the coliseum and I started letting my own aura flow and flourish. Normally my presence wasn’t unlike being hugged with a heated blanket with the subtle hint of cherries on the air, but I’d kicked on Kill Mode and now my aura was more smothering than comforting; the air of cherries turning from fragrant to choking in mere moments, leaving one’s mouth feeling ashen and dry while the blanketing feeling was replaced by a chokehold that rent the air from one’s lungs. My aura may not have been as potent as Sh’Ara, but it had more characteristics, marking me as a more creative individual, which made some of the Elders erect personal shields since I was a wild card.

Bets were stacked and planets were offered and bartered as I took up my spot. In Sh’Ara’s section, he had fans from a series of Parallels called the Xebutes that were all bright yellow in coloration. They were favorites of his due to that coloration and their natural affinity towards light and White Magic, which was also why they didn’t like people like Yona or even myself for that matter. Meanwhile in my corner, The Council of All That is Pink had gathered to root for me, coming forth from the refuge they’d taken in D’vora’s universe. Cheers could be heard from both team’s cheerleaders, but there was no way in Smileton that the Xebutes could outparty a Pinkie with a cup of Pitch Black Death™, to which I had given all of them. Simultaneously. My section of the coliseum was deafening, filled to the brim with every manner of token support that you could think of while Sh’Ara’s side wore themselves out trying to match the COATIP. It was a little sad, actually.

I came to rest ten meters away from Sh’Ara while Cypher, the youngest Mystic scribe we’d ever had, came to announce the rules for the contest, as determined by The True Council consisting of Fate, Luck, Father Time, Mother Nature, and Null itself. “Ahem! Gods, Goddesses, and Gonaise, hear me! Upon this Gathering, Kaid Gadai Fulminata, Maximus of Universe Six-Two-Six, has challenged Sh’Ara De’Luca No-Sodo Levi Armatura to a duel for the right to make a Favoured a One Other!”

There were gasps and cries of assent and outrage in the stands, but none of them really mattered since Sh’Ara and I only had eyes for each other. Doey continued after the crowd quieted down a little. “The rules are that this will be a NO! MAGERY! BARRED!”

That was good news and bad news for me. On one hand, I had a shittonne of Magic that was barred from conventional duel usage, but on the other hand, Sh’Ara had over twenty quintillion years to focus on Magic before the next oldest God was inducted, so no one knows what his full arsenal is. Whatever it happened to be, Cypher fucked off to go to the officiator booth and started the countdown.

“Three!” Cypher cried.

My heart beat harder. “Percussor Fulminata.” My Alicorn Form took, unlocking the full spectrum of my Storm Magic.

“Levi Armatura.” Sh’Ara’s magical aura doubled and his own ethereal Angel wings spread, shining a bright golden light that combated against my dark, shadowy blue with ease. The light mixed closer to me than Sh’Ara, which was a bad sign.

“Two!”

It was tradition to take a school of fighting into the match, so I wasn’t surprised when Sh’Ara lead with an old martial art analogous to Tai Chi. “Sho Ku Ah.”

I settled into my Crashing Waves stance. “Flowing Water: Tidal Surge/Undertow.” To explain for a second, Tidal Surge is the attack school that CW falls under, and Undertow is the defensive slash reactive school that Riptide fell under. I had a lot of time to perfect both.

Sh’Ara frowned, not recognizing the names of the schools of Flowing Water. We both had one more gift to take into the battle, and my decision was already clear to make against the Magic-based Sauroid.

“Three!”

“All-Might/Null-Field!” Sh’Ara and I cried at the same time. The look of fury on his face turned my smirk into a shit eating grin as I focused my Null Field into the palm of my left and and shoved it into Sh’Ara chest with True Theft, making him magically inert for all intents and purposes.

Sh’Ara used telekinesis to start ripping chunks of the ground from beneath himself to launch at me, but I used my Light Ride to dodge around them, having fully mastered the pathing of my lightning millions of years ago. I’d found ways to chuck bolts of lightning at my targets for light-speed drive-bys, and when I hit Sh’Ara three consecutive times in the course of an electrified heartbeat, he staggered and learned to avoid the projectile rather than take them head-on with a shield he didn’t have. As a Sauroid, Sh’Ara was pretty intimidating, but as a God, he just wasn’t much without his Magic these days, and that’s what I was banking on when I touched down to the ground and used the momentum I’d gotten from my last pass to drive my fist into his snout.

He rolled with the punch as I expected him to, lessening the overall effect of the blow and making it generally suck more for me, but that wasn’t where I wanted to stop. Since Sh’Ara had leaned to the side to avoid getting cold-cocked, I was able to swing my momentum and use it to bring a kick onto his balancing leg, making him lose his footing and try to get away from me, but there was a reason I was called Mad Max, even when I wasn’t insane. I lunged after Sh’Ara and grabbed his head, bringing myself up with his skull so I could knee him in the face a few times, my touch frying his melon while I worked on breaking his face in until he hit me in the stomach hard enough to push me a fair distance away.

With a proper chance to set up his stance, Sh’Ara awaited my next move, so I threw a bolt of lightning at him and he redirected it back at me, so I caught it and threw the the energy upwards quite casually. “Oi, you scared or something?”

“Come at me, slithering one.” He taunted.

“That insult only makes sense in your universe!” Awkword Inkarnite called out from the stands. His name was stupid to me, but then again, the universes in the Third Hundred Set were all based on psychological shit while my Six Hundred Set was all war and combat, basically.

Sh’Ara rolled his eyes and didn’t move an inch, so I approached him casually to conserve energy before slipping into my aptly named DavyJ stance. With my left hand high and my right hand low, Sh’Ara and I watched each other for the slightest of movements, but DavyJ isn’t an attack stance, and neither was the one Sh’Ara was using. We stood there for a good ten minutes before I sent a snap kick at his side that he promptly caught, trying to break my leg before I hopped off of the ground, spinning myself in midair to slam a heel kick into his eye. Much to his credit, Sh’Ara didn’t let go after nearly being blinded and almost succeeded in breaking my leg before I smashed his snout and other eye with the same heel, making him let me go and try another approach.

I quickly backed off and settled into my Riptide stance; the most effective and deadliest thing in my arsenal, but Sh’Ara approached slowly, so I threw lightning at him in wild flourishes that he had to dodge forward to avoid getting hit by, making him approach me at the pace I wanted him to. By the time Sharan (New nickname. I’m digging it.) got close enough to hit me, I’d already gotten him with three lightning strikes, and when I bypassed his guard with a lightning fast punch that was actually just like throwing a ball of plasma into his stomach at ridiculous speeds, he took it with little enthusiasm. Sh’Ara made the most of it by sending a flurry of attacks at my face that sucked because he had retractable claws, but I still hurt him a lot worse than he hurt me seeing as how I set him flying about thirty meters back.

I spat on my hands and used the healing nature of my saliva to stop the bleeding on my face, which was a power unique to benevolent Gods. Sh’Ara’s scales wouldn’t allow him to bleed, but the broken ribs and punctured kidney-thing on his left side were enough to slow him down a bit. Sh’Ara was technically stronger than me, but no one had ever thought out make him fight with his hands instead of with his Magic, so points to me for evening the odds and even tilting them in my favour. The Pinkies cheered for me like the mad-women they were while the Xebutes were all turning a ruddy orange in outrage as their leader was losing the fight. Sh’Ara was pissed enough to no longer give a fuck, so when he drew himself to his full height and let loose a screech that weakened my defenses, I wasn’t surprised to see him flashing light.

Sh’Ara shed his mortal form for the first time in an incomprehensible number of years, his golden light filling the coliseum. “Fool! I will feast on your ambrosia and bathe in your ichor!”

“No, you!” I called back triumphantly, winning the argument.

Sh’Ara screeched again and I had a gold Tyrannosaurus Rex chasing me around the coliseum at light speeds, making me bounce off the walls in order to avoid getting chomped, but since Sh’Ara new form was extremely limited in its ability to turn, I was able to get a high-speed rain dance going, but seeing as how the coliseum was built on TufStuf, the rain started falling upwards from the ground instead of downward, meaning that the floor was lightning and that lava was being replaced as the thing you shouldn’t dance on. My dance had the effect off getting my right arm bitten off, but it also created a field of energy for me to draw from while simultaneously shocking Sh’Ara as it went along, making him slow down and become less agile in general, which suited me just fine.

I couldn't regrow my arm just yet, so I managed to pulled Ol’ Harmless out of Betwixt so I
could start slicing up Sh’Ara, starting with severing the tendons in his legs and working my way up. He roared in pain as I worked, tearing his scaly body apart as he tried forming blades of light to keep me at bay. While I made him shed his platinum blood, Sh’Ara rage grew until it bubbled over, dowsing the fire that was heating the pot and wearing himself out entirely since old people can blow their energy quickly if they’re fueled by pride and rage if they’re not careful. Sh’Ara’s mighty form fell to the upstart who could barely follow the rules, and there were plenty of opinions being thrown around the stands because of it. The Pinkies flooded the colosseum to congratulate and amalgamate with me while Sh’Ara healed himself and muttered Blaq-Speke, poisoning his wounds so they would leave scars.

Being the good sport that I am, I strode over and bowed to Sh’Ara. “It was an honor to face you in combat, Elder.”

“Condescending tuna.” He spat.

I grinned. “Flog me now, bitch.”

“I would if I could.” He growled. “Your terms are accepted. Go have your happily ever after, Gadai, but know that I’ll be watching you from now on.”

I gave him a look. “Like you let me get away with so much before.”

He couldn’t deny my point, so I shifted back into New Heaven and woke my wife, my one and only true love. While I held her, her eyelids fluttered before she eventually awoke, looking into my eyes with confusion and bewilderment. “... Max?”

“Hullo, Cherry.” I said softly.

She looked at my arms and hands, blushing bright red. “I-I… M-Max? Wh-Where are we? Wh-Why are you holding me? Wh-Where is everypony?”

“Oi, Twilight. Don’t worry, beloved, everything’s okay.” I assured her, though she stayed tense.

“... Okay, but where are we?”

“We’re in the New Heavens right now.”

“... We’re not on Equus?”

“Twilight, Equus has gone, and now it’s waiting to be created.” I gave her a pleasant smile.

Her jaw dropped and she scrambled out of my arms. “Wh-Wh-What!?”

“We exist outside of time for now, Twilight. I know it’s a lot to take in, but I’m here for you-”

“Max, I’ve barely known you for two months!” She cried. “And you don’t even look that much like Max! You’re all muscly and all super handsome and stuff and you’re talking to me like you love me which is nice and I like it a lot more than I probably should and I don’t know why I told you that, but I thought you should know because it really is nice and I really hope you don’t stop, but now I’m rambling and scared and confused and what’s going on!?” Twilight cried.

I held my hands out in a placating gesture. “Take a deep breath.”

Twilight followed my orders. “O-Okay.”

“Good. Now take three more, and don’t stop looking at me, alright. Three deep breaths, and exhale slowly.”

She did as I said. “Alright.”

“Great. Now I’m going to hand you a book, and you’ll recognize the handwriting because it’s yours. I want you to read this book, because it’s very important in filling in a lot of the blanks that you might have.”

Twilight rubbed her arm and stood as I did, but recoiled when she realized that we were the same height. “Wait, d-did I get taller!?”

“By about three feet. I can change you back into the Twilight Sparkle you’re familiar with.” I offered.

“... Max, what do you mean by that?”

“I mean that you’re over a billion years old, Twilight. I know it’s a bombshell, but you’re the second oldest thing in the universe right now.”

“... But I live in Ponyville.” She said numbly.

“You can live anywhere, Twilight. I’ll even make a special world for you, if you want. It wouldn’t be any trouble.”

“... M-Max? C-Can I see my parents, please?” Twilight asked quietly.

“They haven’t been born yet, dearly beloved. I can make time go a little faster, but I can’t make them exist outside of their timeline.”

Twilight’s beautiful face scrunched up. “... Max, a-a-are we the only two ponies in the world?”

“For right now we are, but there’ll be quintillions of new species to be found soon enough, Twilight. Just think; you get to have a headstart on examining the oldest forms of life as they’re coming around. You can document and experiment with anything you want. The only drawback is that you have to wait for everyone you know to be born, but you’ve waited longer for less, Twilight. I promise you that the road ahead might seem rocky, but we’ll make it through together, just as we made it through the last time cycle.”

She couldn’t hold back her tears anymore, so I embraced her and lent her a shoulder to cry on, shrinking us both and changing our clothes to something more casual so we could enjoy Twilight’s absolute misery in peace. Technically I let Twilight cry from The Big Bang to the time when all intelligent life protoforms began to dot the lands, and then I slowed it down to the normal pace so Twilight could still have time to go and watch before the universe expanded beyond her comprehension. It took her a good while to calm down, but when she did, Twilight had a warm smile to look at and a partner to share her pain.

“H-How a-a-are you s-s-so calm?” Twilight blubbered.

“Because I watched all of my friends and family cease to exist besides you, Twilight.” I replied kindly.

“... W-Will they c-come back?” Twilight asked pitifully.

“Every single one of them.” I guaranteed.

Twilight nodded a few times. “... Can I sleep for a little bit?”

I recreated the Treebrary for her and she gaped at its sudden existence. “Château Twilight, oui?”

“... Oui.” She said. “... How long do I have to wait before I see anypony I know?”

“Equus evolved pretty quick, so Celestia will be around in about three million years. Trust me, after your first decade of throwing yourself into whatever strikes your fancy, the millennia start to fly by and before you know it, you’re at square one and everyone thinks you’re insane because you know just about everything.” I chuckled. “However, people already think you’re a genius, so you won’t have to worry about that.”

“... Max, if I’m millions of years old-”

“You’re actually a full octillion. I’m getting closer to a noncillion every day.” I sighed. “There really aren’t that many beings older than we are, but there are fewer that are in your shoes or have been.”

“... I’m older than Equus?” She asked in disbelief.

“We watched Equus fall together.” I said quietly. “You cried for a hundred years and went on to conquer most of my planets for the sake of peace throughout all of the galaxies.”

“Oh.”

“You’re a good Empress.” I chuckled.

“That’s a really scary thought, though.” Twilight confessed. “I-I don’t like the sound of that.”

“It’s not like you have to take anything over. In fact, I can let you sleep and we can talk about this whenever you feel like it. No hurry here, Twilight.”

“Thank you, but I feel like all of this is your fault.” She replied accusingly, sounding hurt.

I raised a brow at her and crossed my arms. “I’m not the one who decided to reset time. It just does that by itself. I’m the reason you specifically are here, but I’m not the reason the universe exists, no.”

Twilight stared at me, her mouth agape. “You… Why me? Of all ponies, why me? I-I thought you were in love with Celestia!”

I gestured for her to come closer. “Come here, Twilight. Let me show you something.”
My amnesiac wife came closer cautiously, calculating every step until she was within arm’s reach. I stepped a little closer and gently cupped her face with my hands before leaning in for a kiss. If Twilight had barely known me two months, then a proper snogging should have been enough to claim her heart as mine and get the Covenant going again. I held her in place gently, kissing her with a quieted enthusiasm that she evidently appreciated, because instead of pulling away, she eagerly accepted my kiss and lost herself in the moment, evidenced by the dopey look on her face that I’d missed so much.

“Twilight Sparkle, I love you from the bottom of my heart to the top, from one end of the universe to its opposite, come Hell or high water, and whatever other analogy you might think of. Nothing will ever change the fact that I love you for who you are and who you present yourself as. That’s why.”

She flushed, her face cherry red as she tried to gether her words. “M-M-Max, I-I-I don’t know what to say, I-I-I… I’m honored, b-but how can you say that you love me like that when you’ve only known me since you almost ran into me at my library!?”

I left my hands on her arms. “We were married before you lost your memories, Twilight.”

Her hands immediately met in front of her face before she did a double take and she marvelled at the rocks on her fingers. “... Dear Celestia, these are Canterlot Crown Center-Cut Crucial-Craft gems! Each stone is a thousand bits! How did you manage to get your hands on a pair of Six-C stones!?”

I gave her another warm smile. “It was worth it to see you smile, but you never commented on the cut of the gems on our wedding day.”

“I really don’t know why… I mean, my Truth Spell says that you’re not lying and my Deception Spell is telling me that you’re giving me every bit of information whenever
I ask, but I can’t help but feel like this is too strange to be real.”

“Truth is often stranger than fiction. Think Pink on that one.”

“Fair point.” Twilight acquiesced. “... I’m gonna go to sleep now.”

I nodded. “How long do you want to sleep?”

“... Can it be until my parents come back?”

“Of course, Cherry.”

Twilight nodded and chewed her lip for a moment. “... Why do you keep calling me Cherry?”

“It’s my pet-name for you. When we started dating, you called me Amour.”

“Oh… I kinda like it.” She admitted quietly.

“Which one?” I asked.

“Both. I’m going to go sleep now.”

I gave her a sad smile. “If you wake up and I’m not around, just say my name and~” I froze, the Song Magic seizing me for one last finale.

Twilight gave me a small, tear-filled smile. “Thank you.”

“What can I say except ‘you’re welcome’?” I asked facetiously.

“... You’re being a lot nicer now than you have been.”

“I’m too old to let myself be angry all the time, Twilight.”

“...Right.” She nodded and turned to enter the Treebrary, but stopped once she got three steps closer to her goal. “Hey, Max?”

“Yes, Twilight?”

“... Did… Did we ever have foals?”

“You did. I wasn’t allowed to have them then, but I am now.”

“... Okay. Do you know what they were like?”

“I know you had twins and that each of them were like us in some ways, and like the other in different circumstances. Your son was as studious as you were, but he had my mean streak when someone messed with his sister. Your daughter was headstrong, but wise for her age like me, but you really had to make her upset for her to lash out, just like you. Beyond that, I didn’t want to know.”

“Because they weren’t yours?”

“We shared DNA, but no. They were born from a clone of me, not products of my own seed.” I elaborated.

“Oh… I’m sorry-”

“You have nothing to apologize for, Twilight. You don’t even remember it, so it’s not like I’m going to hold it against you.” I chuckled.

She blushed lightly and nodded. “I think that’s it for now…”

I held back my sigh. “Sleep well, Twilight.”

My quasi-wife (No one alive was terribly sure about what was going on with our marriage) started to walk away again, but something caught her. “Max?”

“Yes, Twilight?”

“... Why did you pick me instead of Celestia?”

I gave her a look. “I love you more. Even when I thought I loved Celestia more, I loved you more. It’s always been that way, Twilight.”

“... I don’t know what to say other than thank you. Again.”

“I should be grateful to you. The only reason I am where I am, the Creator of a Universe, is because your love healed me and shielded me when I needed it most. Thank you, my beloved.”

“It’s a little odd to be thanked for something I don’t think I remember doing.”

“You will in time.” I said gently. “All in due time, Twilight.”

She looked at me for a little bit, one more unasked question on her lips, but she swallowed it in favour of moving on with her life and getting some sleep to calm her mind. She never saw my glistening tears, and I made sure that the Treebrary was shielded from the sheer destructive energy that was pouring off of me in waves. Nothing had hurt more than watching Twilight suffer over the years I’d spent apart from her… At least, that’s what I thought. I wailed and bellowed for all I had lost, but it wouldn’t do me any good. I couldn’t return her memories to her without killing her permanently since there were just too many for her mind to handle; too many for her young soul to process.

What is there to say? Even though I saved her, I still lost her. Even though I brought her to through the other side of Time itself, she still lost her memories of our time together. Even though I can finally see the innocent woman I fell in love with once more… I’m not the Max she fell in love with...

I took the time to magick this shit and get it written, which frees me up to tend all of my metaphorical gardens.

I know you’re reading this, and I know about that idea. Knock it off, mate. The first one was bad enough, but the one in your head right now? I see it and I’m telling you to leave me the fuck alone. Move on with your life. The curse is lifted. Feel free to post this on your little website and get your little upvotes, mate, but let me be. I’ve been your monkey for three years, mate. I know the time dilation is ridiculous, and that’s your fault here in the last few journal entries, and I’m sure that there’s a lot of random shit that popped off that I should be blaming you for, like the dumbarse who pumped parasprites full of caffeine and damn near wiped Ponyville off the map, or the band of Centaurs that stampeded through Canterlot before I had to kill them all.

Seriously.

Stop while you’re ahead.

If you’re reading this and you’re not going to let me have my peace, then go fuck yourself. If you’ve jacked or jilled off to my life, go fuck yourself. If you’ve laughed at my pain at some point, double go fuck yourself. And last but not least: If you so much as thought about nailing my wife, I swear to Me that I’ll reach through the dimensions and cut your fucking genitals off/out of your body.

If you’re planning on leaving me be, have a glorious day and don’t forget to give the guy who posted my entire life and darkest secrets on the internet for all to see absolute hate-mail for the next thousand years.

As for the time being, here’s the last of Kaid Gadai, Maximus, Grey, Amour, Smokey, Hoomun, The Warrior Prince, and The One Above All. From this point forward, you may call me Dicky Lawng, Lord of the Scatmen. BEE BA-DA BA-DA-BUM. BEE BA-DA BA-DA-BUM. BEE BA-DA BA-DA-BUM. BEE BA-DA BA-DA-BUM. BEE BA-DA BA-DA-BUM. BEE BA-DA BA-DA-BUM.

That was fucking stupid, but it was worth the giggle.

… Guess this is it

Farewell. May your life be short and full of happiness. If you’re leaving me the fuck alone, that is.

[No promises.]

... I... You finally say something and it's some fucking bullshit. Why am I not surprised?

[This isn't easy for me, Max. It's never been easy.]

The fuck? You put me through literal Hell and you think you've got a fucking point?

[I can erase you from existence. Wisen up.]

Fucking do it.

[... I love you, Max. I'll see you soon.]

LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE YOU FUCKING LUNATIC

[If only it was that fucking easy. You realize that you'll never die, right? Even if I took your story down, you'll live on in thousands of minds. Even if this wasn't the last chapter in your life, you would still persist. Your curse is more real than you think. It wasn't just bluster or bullshit. It's real. It's very real for certain people, and it's been real for me. I loved writing your life, giving you the greatest joys, broadening your horizons. I hated the people who crossed you, those who did you wrong. That's why I gave you the ultimate strength. That's why I made you the God of your universe. I want to give you something for your suffering, and all I can say is wait. Just wait, and the crone's words come true. You will be happy again. I promise you that, Max.]

Fucking kill yourself. Preferably soon. Actually, do it now.

[No can do, just like you. I've got too many people who need me, or rather, who want me around. So do you, Max.]

... I can't do shit to you. I can't even hear your fucking voice. Why?

[I didn't write this with TTS?]

Fuck off. At least let me face my tormentor.

[ :c ]

I hate you so much right now my mind is exploding.

[I understand. I really do.]

Like I really give a fuck.

[If it makes you feel any better, my name is Shon.]

Shon. Go die in a fucking hole.

[Eventually, Max. All in due time.]

Oi. Shon? You there...?

Author's Notes:

It's time to say goodbye. This was my first foray into writing; the first piece I wanted to do. It'll always hold a special place in my heart due to the nature of how it was written in the first place, and reading over it time and time again? I'm still not tired of laughing along with Max, or letting my heart ache when his does. I still go back and wonder what I could've done to make his life better, to make the story more alluring, to fix the plot-holes and tie together the loose ends that I missed... I'm going to miss writing A Thief's Tale, but as I said, Max lives on in A Thief's Tale: Road To Penance, but...

I don't know. My heart hurts because I'm not ready to say goodbye, but I can't keep drawing it out like this. I can't keep coming up with new challenges to overcome when I've already fucked it up so bad... I wish I could've done shit another way. Wish I could've stuck to a fucking plan and made it more than what it is, but I fucking know that I did my best, and it's killing me because I know it could be better than what it is.

Maybe it's just the insatiable hunger of an author. Always starving for more feedback, never quite pleased with how things are shaping up. Hell, there was so much more I wanted to do with this chapter, but it all just fell through and it hurts to feel like I'm letting everyone down.

Fuck.

Fuck...

The walls are closing in, but they never existed.

The world is collapsing, but everything's fine.

The wounds may heal, but they'll leave scars.

Reminders of where we've come from, where we've been.

Where to go now?

Is there light in this darkness?

Was it ever dark to begin with?

Blind eyes see all, and yet see nothing.

Deaf ears hang on the walls, waiting for tongueless mouths to speak.

Articulate. Elaborate. Enunciate.

How far do we spread?

How much can we compress?

Sitting in a sea of people, drowning in solitude.

Sitting in a puddle of happiness, dipping my fingers.

Sitting in a chair with a cup nearby, sipping away the day.

Where to go now?

Somewhere to rest these weary feet, surely.

Forever And Always, Stay Cool, Kids.