I didn’t sleep at all the night before I went to Mareopolis. It just wasn’t in the cards for me, and I knew for a fact that Noir was still seething over her utter defeat at the hands of Tirek the day before. We spent the majority of our night in my room, meditating and practicing in the mindscape, each of us honing the techniques we wanted to include in our fight for as long as we could. Sadly, Noir only had her Dark Magic and a bit of her Unicorn Magic left since Tirek had eaten the rest. She was a little limited on what she could do, but I was free to do everything I wanted to and a little more, I just needed the power and speed to pull it off.

Starshine came by every once in awhile to check up on Noir and make sure her condition wasn’t deteriorating, as well as to give us updates on the progress of the poison she was making for us to apply to our blades. They most likely wouldn’t do much more than slow Tirek down, but as long as he wasn’t at top form, we stood a better chance at beating him. Nashoba would be pretty much immune to whatever Starshine could cook up due to her nature as the Wolfmother, but once Noir or myself started landing hits, Nashoba was going to have to try and avoid eating any of what she could rip off of Tirek.

While we were preparing for the coming fight, Nashoba, Noir, and I sat down on my bed for a talk. “So we know Tirek’s a badass when it comes to straight head-to-head, singular combat, right? Why don’t we try blitzing him with someone on each side and Noir holding the front?” I asked.

Noir sighed. “I don’t know how long I could withstand Tirek if he was serious. Whoever fights him head on is going to need to be faster than I to combat him effectively.”

I blinked a couple of times. “Are you seriously saying that you could lose to Tirek?”

Noir made a face. “It is a perfectly palpable possibility. Tirek was able to sweep me aside with little more than a thought when he decided to face you, and I do not know if that was him giving a damn about our fight or simply being willing to take a blow from me to counter-attack.”

I bit my lip. “That’s troubling as fuck. I know for a fact that I can’t do it if you can’t.” I looked to Nashoba.

She looked back at me. “I volunteer to fill the role of decoy. Whether in a straight line or generally speaking, I know that I am faster than either of you.”

“Thanks, pupper. I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important.” I said.

Nashoba nodded. “As your companion, it is my duty to come to your aid when I can. That, and the Wolfmother Sirius once fought Tirek long ago and was victorious. Her knowledge may very well lend itself to our plight.”

“Good to know we have some prior experience to lean on this time.” I sighed. “We know Tirek is fast, strong, and can eat Magic. What else do we have on him?”

Noir rubbed her chin. “When I was fighting him, attacks from the side seemed to get closer than most others. I believe Tirek has trouble turning due to his nature as a quadruped.”

Nashoba sorted. “I have no issues turning.”

“That’s because you’re a canine, Nashoba. Tirek is equine, as in he’s built like me on top, but like a horse from my world on the bottom.” I explained.

Nashoba gave me a funny look. “I don’t understand.”

Noir took over. “From the stomach up, Tirek is somewhat like your normal Pony or Max, but from the waist down where Max’s legs are, there are four hooves.”

Nashoba cocked her head to the side. “That sounds like an abomination of the Everfree. Are you sure Tirek is not one of your children, Max?”

I grimaced. “I’m pretty sure the only Ponies I’ve fucked have been ones that stand on two legs.”

Noir chuckled. “With your previous sexual appetite, it wouldn’t surprise me too greatly to find that you slept with something in the Everfree and it bore you a child.”

I passed her a dirty look. “If I’m such a sexual deviant, why did you let me sleep with you?”

She shrugged. “You cannot call yourself adventurous if you do not try everything at least once.”

“I’d just call that being slutty for perks and quirks.” I replied.

Nashoba yawned. “You two carry on as if we’re not talking about a life or death battle here.”

“All three of us are immortal.” I reminded.

“That just means that we can be enslaved for all eternity. I doubt I will be made into anything worse than a dog of war, but you two could easily be made into servants of any kind.” Nashoba countered.

Noir and I sobered up.

With the horrid thought of having my arsehole turned into a pile of ground beef dancing through my mind, Noir and I started to talk strategy again and left the other topics behind for the night. Morning came sooner than we would have liked, but at the very least we weren’t totally screwed or anything. Hopefully Tirek would still be missing an eye, and even if he wasn’t, I could just steal whatever he replaced it with in the first place. There were a lot of things that could go wrong, but I was hoping for a swift and decisive victory, especially if Tirek was as big a piece in the chess game that was The War as I thought he was.

Nashoba went out to hunt in the late afternoon before we left for Mareopolis, but when we did depart, we had to Shadow Dive there using Noir’s limited supply of Dark Magic. She probably wouldn’t be able to use it in the fight with Tirek anyway, but having it for the rest of the ships we had to conquer would be useful. Arriving in Mareopolis was quick and easy, but the small city seemed like a ghost town when Noir, Nashoba and I arrived. Noir had brought us to the outside of an official looking building, and upon entering it, we were welcomed by a small cadre of guards. A fellow in gold armour that was accented with silver stepped forward from the ranks and greeted us.

“General Noir! The Mareopolis Guard welcomes you!” The leader fellow said.

Noir looked at him sharply. “Greet your Prince before you greet your General, soldier.”

The fellow snapped to attention in my direction. “My humblest apologies, Your Highness! I was ignorant of your appearance!”

“At ease, soldier. What’s your name and rank?” I asked.

“I am First Sergeant Thunder Spark, Your Highness!” Thunder replied.

“Alright Sergeant Thunder, what’s the situation? What are we dealing with right now?”

“All is clear for the moment, Your Highness, but our Pegasus scouts have been reporting that Tirek’s forces are about twelve hours away by ship. The city has been evacuated into the western quarters while the eastern quarters have been properly set up for a siege, as inspected by General Noir herself. Mareopolis is prepared for battle, Your Highness.” Thunder said confidently.

I nodded. “Good news for a bad day. Is there a chariot we can use to get close to Tirek’s ships?”

Thunder looked at Nashoba. “Yes, Your Highness, but getting your Dog on board may be a bit of an issue. It seems heavy.” I really hope she ignores that.

I patted Nashoba’s back. “She’s not the lightest, but is there a chariot large enough to pull her?”

“There are five-pony chariots, so I’d say yes as long as she isn’t trying to move around too much. Our Pegasi might not like having to pull it, but they’ll deal with it.”

“Then get them ready for action as soon as possible. I don’t want Tirek getting any closer to mainland Equestria than he already is.”

Thunder saluted again. “Sir yes Sir! Light Sprint! Run a message to Dark Cloud and Heavy Drizzle! Tell them to saddle up and get prepared for a large load!”

The fellow who I assumed was Light Sprint saluted and took off at a… Well, light sprint. He sure wasn’t wasting any time, that’s for sure. Thunder took Noir and I back outside, along with four more guards, and started rattling off the new developments that had taken place since the last time Noir had shown up. Things like the populace being properly cleared from their homes on temporary provisions, soldiers training day in and day out for a fight that hopefully couldn’t come to them, barricades being set up on certain streets to lead enemies into ambushes, and archers being set up from every possible vantage point to deal as much damage as possible.

While Thunder was giving his report, I was checking my weapons and listening somewhat, trying to memorize everything I could just in case the battle came to town. Things were sounding pretty good as far as our side went, but I knew that our soldiers were inexperienced when it came to fighting, and if these demons were as tough as they were said to be, then it was going to be a fucking slaughterfest unless we just won through sheer numbers alone. With upwards of thirty boats to deal with, I wasn’t sure if our main line was going to hold, especially if the boats were actual full-sized, ocean-worthy vessels. I was worried about the battle most definitely, but I had a trick up my sleeve that I hoped would do me some favours. If I used Sun-fire, Discord would surely intervene, but if I used True Theft in less conspicuous manner… Tirek wouldn’t even know what hit him.

The chariot was prepared for us in a reasonable amount of time and it was a fucking whopper of one at that. That is to say, Dark Cloud and Heavy Drizzle were some fit looking fuckers. Both of them were brawnier than Swift, and their wings were exceptionally large considering that your average Pegasus’ wingspan isn’t more than a foot or so longer than their arm span. When the chariot pullers stretched their wings, they easily had a meter of clearance from their fingertips as they limbered up. Without Celestia and Luna to move the planet or heavenly bodies, or whatever the fuck it is that they do, the day was stuck in twilight, with the Moon being slightly higher than the Sun on the horizon. Further west in Ponyville, the day was still bright and sunny, meaning that it was probably getting fucking hot since there wasn’t a way to make the heat let up. It had already been quite warm before our trio arrived in Mareopolis and it was quite cool in the new city. If for no other reason than to make the climate even out, we needed to get a move on and defeat Tirek.

Now, I’ve never ridden in a flying chariot before, but it was fucking terrifying to say the least, even if I could technically fly with my Telekinesis. Yes, I’m fucking great at climbing, but no, I don’t like heights. It’s weird, I’m weird, we all understand that now, yeah? Moving on. I spent most of the three hour trip trying my best to crush Noir’s hand and keeping a fistful of Nashoba’s thick fur. They were ambivalent about my show of fear before the fight, but I had a feeling that they were hoping that I’d get the fuck over it before I let it get to me. I chilled out around five minutes after I first sighted the ships in the distance, my focus shifting to the task on hand. I had two reliable warriors fighting alongside me in what was to be my first real battle: not a realistic simulation, or a one on one duel. This was to be a true blue fight to the death between a rather overgrown dog, a rather overgrown Pony, some dude, and an entire battalion of demons straight from a magical world’s version of Hell.

Things were looking pretty good when I considered that I would be fighting alongside a Battle Queen that had won more wars than years I’ve been alive. Things looked even better when I counted the Dire Wolf with over ten thousand years of fight experience of all kinds and Magic older than Equestria itself (As a nation). I myself happen to be not shit, so yeah, I had a few hopes that we might come out on top. They were few and far between, but it’s not like it bothered me much. I’ve always been an adapter, ready to face whatever life throws on my plate, and I’d been preparing for the initial assault for months; probably years if you counted my time in the mindscape. I had the tools I needed to pass the test before me, but my main focus was lasting until the finale.

The chariot took us up high into the clouds, flying over each of them for a while. We eventually landed on one of the larger ones when we got closer to Tirek’s ships, and from there, Dark Cloud and Heavy Drizzle unharnessed themselves and pushed the whole damned thing over the lead ship in Tirek’s armada. Noir got out and looked over the edge when we were properly positioned, and when she told me to jump into her arms, I was quick to tell her that she’d lost her damn mind. Nashoba made the jump without any issues, so I had to follow suit, otherwise I risked looking like a pussified little bitch, and that just wasn’t what I wanted to do.

The moment my hand met Noir’s, we were on the deck of the ship below us and we had little time to waste. Nashoba sprung into action straight from Noir’s arms and I followed suit about a second after seeing her lunge for her nearest target. I turned and looked ahead of myself since we were facing opposite directions, my hands quickly going to my weapons as I beheld the mast of the ship. I nearly ran into the netting on the damned thing before I got it through my thick skull to climb the wide, rough ropes. There was a demon directly above me on his way down from the Crow’s Nest, and from my point of view, the dude was hung like a cat. The loincloth he was wearing offered me a full view of what he had to offer and I wasn’t impressed in the slightest.

It took me a second to concentrate while climbing and another to rip the demon from the mast with my Psychokinesis. After a quick yet thorough glance at the deck below, I picked a pack of priggish pillocks to pitch my demon at and took three down at once. The guy I threw actually got torn the fuck apart by his comrades when they were getting back to their feet, but I didn’t sit and watch the whole ordeal. From my vantage point, I looked around the deck and saw Noir and Nashoba fending for themselves pretty well from the head of the ship. They were slowly gaining ground from the bow, giving me the idea to start wreaking havoc while they were maintaining the majority of the attention. I looked down after climbing another meter or so and saw three red-faced demons scrambling up the netting at an alarming pace, so I decided that the best place to be was underneath them. I stole myself from the ropes and placed myself on the deck, the break from action giving me time to formulate a plan.

The first thing I did when I re-entered Equus was look up. The second thing I did was reach into the chest of a random demon and pull its heart out. I rinsed the technique off and repeated it two more times before I turned my attention to the main group to do it some more. I was thinning out the herd pretty quickly on my own until one of the demons realized what I was doing and came after me. That one attentive mother fucker rallied four of his comrades to turn around and charge me, but buy this point, I was starting to get good at what I was doing. By the time I killed the last demon that had broken from the mass that was bombarding Noir and Lupa, it was taking me less than two seconds to stretch my hand forward and draw it back with a pitch black heart within its grasp. I didn’t count how many of them I killed that way, but the stack of hearts beside me grew pretty rapidly and continued to grow until I recognized Nashoba as she broke through the ranks. I figured it was time to get some steel dirty, so I abandoned my winning tactic of sitting back and letting my companion and my teacher take the brunt of the fight while I picked off the stragglers.

I drew Nacht and my Kopis—I really need to name it… How about Arsene? It’s not the first time that name will serve a thief. Alright, so I drew Nacht and Arsene simultaneously as I started toward the remnants of the fray. There were only about fifteen demons left at this point, and if my guess was any good, the ship couldn’t have held much more than a hundred of them. I know I got at least twenty of the fuckers myself, so when I started hacking my opponents in the back like the honorless knave I am, I was considering asking Noir and Nashoba if they were going to start pulling their weight anytime soon. I thought better of it quickly enough due to memories of being accidentally hit by them and ending up in more pain than when I got hit by a normal Pony.

One of the demons I went after actually turned around after hearing one of his kinsmen biting the dust behind him. As with most of the demons, he looked pretty humanoid save for the horns and small wings on his back. The mottled red skin and inhumanly green eyes kinda gave them a Krampus kinda feel, or rather, it made them feel like evil elves that wielded hooked blades. I’d seen one that was such a deep shade of red that it seemed black with a scythe, but the one in front of me appeared to be one of the rank and file ones. We measured each other for a moment, but I don’t like trying to engage in thought battles with my opponents. The fellow got a nice surprise when I closed the two meters between us in the blink of an eye, landing a slash with Arsene on his upper right arm. He’d gotten his blade up in time to block Nacht, but the curve of Arsene was more that he’d anticipated.

For the oddest reason, I felt like having my blades touch his for too long was a bad idea, so I backed off for a moment and dashed in again before he could get his feet set, giving me an opportunity to score another gash on his thigh while simultaneously putting me behind him just long enough for me to whip around and cleave his head from his shoulders. While his noggin was flying, I did a speedy three-sixty to see what was going on around me and saw Noir and Nashoba cleaning up the last of the demons on the deck.

After stowing Arsene, I started pulling hearts from anything under foot that moved, leaving the pitch black what-the-fuck-evers wherever I pulled them from. The deck was awash with black blood, and as I finished up with my task, I heard Noir pick her way through the corpses behind me. We turned to face each other and waited for Nashoba to join us before saying anything.

Noir was beaming like she’d won the fucking lottery or something. “Today is a good day to shed blood, is it not?”

Nashoba barked twice. “Agreed. These demons are just challenging enough to be fun, but not terribly dangerous.”

I chuckled. “You two are insane, but I’ve got to say that our plan worked well. Having me get clear and start picking apart the ship worked like a dream.”

“As I had hoped that it would. Now, to the back of the ship so we may begin our true assault!” Noir proclaimed.

“It’s called ‘the stern’.” I informed cheekily.

Noir passed me a look. “To the stern then.”

I smiled and lead the way with my two companions flanking me. When we got to the back of the ship, I realized that we had a lot of fucking boats to work with, but I didn’t let the amount of targets daunt me for very long. All I had to do was scoop like I was picking up after Nashoba in the park. With a dark grin and a raised hand from Noir, I waited for her signal to begin the real shit. Her hand came down swiftly, but mine stayed underneath the sea, as large as my body. It didn’t stay underwater for much longer, however. When Noir gave the signal, she’d set the nearest boat to ours alight with Dark Fire. My job was to sink the ship, so I used my True Theft to reach into the ocean, expanded my hand until it was probably as large as I was, and used my cheatsy, absolutely bullshit power to take meters upon meters of planks from the hull. It was as easy as pulling candy floss apart.

The ship we’d targeted plunged suddenly once I’d made my pass, but even as a wave hit the deck and started to sweep it under, the black fire continued to dance on the wood, even flickering above the dark blue water when the deed was done. The occasional speck of fire was visible above the waves, even after the ship itself sank, but Noir was quick to tell me that those little specks were actually demons that couldn’t put the fire out. I’ve never burned to death, nor have I ever drowned, but I have a funny feeling that doing both simultaneously must suck more than doing either separately.

Since we were dead in the water, (The sail was loose and barely caught wind) Noir and I had ample time to pick off twenty-eight more ships as they either tried to ram us or escape far to the north and south. It really was as easy as Noir had said it would be after we’d gotten settled on one of the boats, but that scared me a little bit. I was able to sink the twenty-ninth ship with little to no difficulty, but the final three refused to go down, no matter what I tried. They were gaining on us quickly, and since we just didn’t have the amount of people to man a fucking ship, we were shit out of luck, about to have to face at least three times the amount of soldiers we’d defeated thirty minutes ago. That wasn’t even accounting for Tirek himself, who would be on one of those three ships, so imagine my dismay when I realized that I couldn’t even touch the three ships that were left.

“Noir.” I said softly.

She turned towards me. “We are running out of time, Maximus. Hurrying would be in our best interest.”

“Duly noted, doubly disregarded. I can’t touch them, Noir.”

I continued to stare out over the ocean over the last kilometer or so that stretched between us and a fate worse than death while Noir and Nashoba gave me their full attention. “What do you mean when you say that you can’t touch them?” Noir asked cautiously.

“I mean that there’s some kind of barrier protecting the ships. It goes under and over the water.” I replied numbly. “If there was ever a time for a tactical retreat, it would be now.”

“... Mareopolis won’t hold against the rest of Tirek’s army.” Noir said quietly.

Nashoba started turning slow circles. “The people of Mareopolis will only die but once. We will die many times.”

I nodded gently, watching as our time to run grew shorter and shorter. “If we run, Mareopolis is fucked. If we don’t, we are.”

Noir put her hands on the ledge/railing-thing that ran along circumference of the ship. “I have never fled from a battle and I refuse to do so now.”

“I’ve run from a lot of fights,” I admitted. “and it was because I either knew I was outmatched or I knew nothing good would come of it. We’re rather outmatched.”

My mentor cut me a glare that I saw from my peripheral vision. “Do not be a coward, Maximus. I have taught you better than that.”

I didn’t bother to take my eyes away from those three ships. “You’ve taught me to never get up, but you never taught me to eat a loss for the sake of preserving my pride.” Which will be ripped away the moment Tirek gets his hands on me.

Noir growled ferociously. “Run as you please, if that is how you feel. However, should you choose to do so, do not even think to utter my name.”

“It’s pretty fucking stupid not to run, Noir.” I replied evenly.

“I have to say that I agree.” Nashoba said.

“And how do the rest of the Wolfmothers feel about that?” Noir spat.

“My mother agrees with the decision I have come to. Shira thinks you are a fool.” Nashoba responded flippantly.

I could practically feel surprise coming off of Noir in droves. “Truly? I would think that my former companion would be loyal to our ongoing trend.”

“Nope. Shira has had thousands of years to calm and wisen. She says that we should not be here.”

“Are you going to leave?” I asked noncommittally.

Nashoba whacked my leg with her tail. “No.”

“Ah-ha! Take that, coward!” Noir cried triumphantly.

I finally turned away from the incoming ships and gave Noir a look. “The fuck said I was leaving? I’d rather die a thousand times than let a thousand people die because I was too chicken-shit to step up.”

She blinked. “Oh.”

Nashoba chuckled. “Even I knew that he wasn’t going to run. If Max doesn’t want to be somewhere, it is completely within his power to leave.”

“Huh. I was wondering why you had chosen to stay and talk instead of just going.” My silly mentor said.

I shook my head. “How could I leave? I can’t call myself a Human if I leave my sister behind, nor could I hold my head above cock-level if I left my vassal slash teacher. Plus, I’m the only one who’s done any real damage to Tirek, so if I go, you two would be dealing with a situation that’s far beyond FUBAR.”

“Foo-bar?” Noir asked.

“F-U-B-A-R. It means ‘Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition’.” I explained.

Noir laid a hand on my shoulder. “Yes, FUBAR would be a good acronym for it.”

“Eeyup.” I replied.

“What do you consider the situation to be right now?”

“Right now? Right now is the time where the three of us join hands and paws and pray for God to take us before our buddy gets over here.”

“Optimistic.” Nashoba said blandly.

“Well, what the fuck do you want me to say? We’re a special kind of boned, screwed, fucked, shit out of-” I did my best to break my jaw.

Noir gave me a funny look. “Have you lost your mind?”

I spat out a little blood and looked up to the sky. “Athena! Maximus calls for your aid!” I shouted to the sky.

“He has lost his mind.” Nashoba mused.

Noir squeezed my shoulder. “Maximus?”

I held up a finger and kept looking for a sign, listening for Athena somewhere on board. There was no sign of her, so I tired, “Athena! Roxy calls for your help!”

Like, not even two seconds after finally giving up hope, (When we could see individual soldiers on the remnants of the armada) Athena was standing behind me and a second or so after that, things escalated. They escalated hard. Noir had Mordemor at Athena’s neck, Nashoba was looking for a reason to pounce, and I was considering taking a wee before we got down and dirty with the hurty. Well, it’s not so much that I was considering it as I was doing it from the figurehead of the ship, but the other way makes me sound like a normal badass, so we’re sticking with that. I’d cross it out, but then a good portion of this paragraph would be missing and it wou-

Fuck. I can’t believe I got writer’s block doing a fucking journal! Seriously, how do you not understand how to relay the events of your batshit crazy life? I mean, what I live through doesn’t need any Goddamn embellishment; write down what happened and get that shite right. For Christ’s sake, it shouldn’t be this difficult!

I was taking a piss off the front of the ship, with no real hope to speak of, when Athena let her presence be known. Sadly, she did so while less than half a meter away from me, so that got the attention of my companions as if it was honey and they were flies. Only, this honey was a single dollop in the center of a hive of Africanized Bees that didn’t actually eat nectar, but were insectivores. Athena had me by the balls and has a lot more juice than Noir, Nashoba, and myself combined. I had to get Noir and Nashoba to stop poking the friendliest bear we had in the open water as soon as possible, so I let Mini Me hang free and kinda turned my head.

“Wotcher Your Majesty.” I said.

Athena looked at me, completely unimpressed. It kinda hurt my feelings. “Where is Roxy?”

“You’re looking at her.” I shook three times (Because twice just isn’t enough sometimes) and zipped up. I turned around carefully since I was on the fucking figurehead and looked Athena in the eye. “Can I cash in one of those favours now? Like, right now?”

The Goddess of Wisdom did a pretty good job of boring holes through my head with her gaze. “You are Roxy?”

I pointed at my eyes. “The eyes give it away. Not many people have dichromatic eyes these days.”

Her lip curled. “So you are a Shapeshifter.” Think carefully, mate. Word this wrong and your arse is grarse.

“No, I use Magic to go between the sexes. I can’t turn into anything other than the male and female versions of myself that I know of, and I’m anxious to find out, so if you wouldn’t mind with that favour…?” I tried.

Athena slapped my shit perfectly. It was swift, yet powerful. No contact with the heel of her hand, directly aimed for the middle of my left cheek. It hit spot on, and I was frankly amazed by the sting. “That is for deceiving me. You have consumed a favour for your error.”

I rubbed my face. “Thank you.”

Noir had been standing by with her sword brandished. There was no point in stowing it if we were about to be within boarding range in just short of an hour. “You do not thank me when I slap you.”

“That’s because your slaps aren’t as flawless as hers. Like, there’s no real ache to speak of, but the sting lasts a good while.” I replied.

Athena nodded. “You are welcome. I am leaving.” Not yet you dumb cunt!

“Wait! I need to actually ask you to do something!” I said hurriedly.

She rolled her eyes. “What do you want?”

I pointed at the ships we could see. “Could you sink the ships that we’re not on please?”

Athena lazily glanced at each of the ships in turn. “You might want to ask Poseidon for that. I doubt he will help you, but he will be more likely to do something than I.”

My heart sank a little. “So you’re not going to help.”

The Goddess of Wisdom shrugged. “I do not deal with boats. They are not my domain.”

“Come on, Athena! Just this once!” I pleaded.

She looked at me for a moment and thought about it. “Well… I would be remiss to sully the reputation of the gods by not helping you, even after I said that I would.” She touched her cheek and gazed out toward one of the boats. “I trust you cannot sink these vessels because of the barrier around them?”

My heart beat a little faster. “That’s exactly it!”

Athena waved her hand. “Sink them yourself, Chosen One.”

I wasted no time in reaching out and scooping the hull from the boat Athena had been looking at, and when I did, it actually fucking worked! I was incredibly hyped up, ready to keep going when I realized that Athena was already gone. Still, even if she didn’t want to stick around and watch us work our Magic, she’d come to help and that’s all I really wanted. Sadly, that was the only ship I was able to sink by myself because the barrier that had been protecting them before returned moments after Athena left, but I wasn’t complaining. Our odds of survival had just leapt through the roof!

Noir, Nashoba and I all teamed up on the middle of the deck of our ship, waiting for the boarding to start. There would be no real place for me on the battlefield, so Noir advised me to get up into the Crow’s Nest and start picking off people that I could see from the last two ships. I could see many of those on deck just fine, and reaching them with my true Theft was no large feat. It must have just been the boats themselves that were protected against my endeavors, because I claimed a fucktonne of lives in just a few minutes. Hell, I’d thought that I wouldn’t be able to do much before we got started, but one heart at a time, I thinned the herd and manage to take out half of the demons on deck. The ship on the port side was looking like it was wanting for a little love itself, so I turned my attention from the starboard side and got to work.

Something fun to mention is that, because of all the blood and bodies in the water, there were quite a few dorsal fins noticeable. They slid out of the water and dipped back underneath with a little ripple in the waves, and it didn’t really help that I was trying to feed them by chucking demon hearts into their home. Noir told me to quit wasting time by feeding them, so I resolved to just start scrambling demon brains to save a little time, and that worked out pretty well.

While there were demons still trying to get off of the deck on the starboard ship, I saw them all freeze and scramble back onto the deck moments before Tirek came from belowdecks and started bellowing at them. It was too windy from the Crow’s Nest for me to hear what he was saying, but do you think that I really gave a fuck? I wasted no time in trying to reach into Tirek’s chest so I could rip his heart out, but when I tried to do so, his insides were so hot that I felt like I fucking scalded myself. I brought my hand back to me just as quickly as I’d put it in and my True Theft faded, leaving me with a bright red and rather tender hand. Reaching into Tirek’s physical being kinda sucked.

Sadly, I didn’t get much time to try and let my hand heal because the ship from the port side had finally managed to land some grappling hooks on the railing of our ship. I spent a good few minutes just cutting those lines along with Noir, hacking away at the ropes until they stopped coming. I continued picking off those who were stupid enough to show their faces until no one came to board. Our ships literally touched, but there was no one to board us by the time it had gotten to that point. Nashoba went to go inspect the ship for any stragglers, and while she was doing that, Noir and I were fighting off more grappling hooks from the ship Tirek himself was on. I never considered how lucky we were that he didn’t have archers until just now. That would have made things considerably less possible.

Thank God for cannon fodder. Extremely brutal and dangerous fodder, but fodder nonetheless.

I expected the hooks to stop coming after five minutes and around forty of them being thrown, but they kept coming, meaning that Noir and I had to keep cutting them as they came. Up until Nashoba bolted from the ship she was scouting, things were looking alright for the time being, but when she came from the other ship, she lead fifteen or so demons straight onto our own vessel. She took care of most of them herself, however, dancing about them, charging and juking beautifully. Nashoba’s movement’s reminded me of how Amateratsu moved in Okami; graceful yet effective. Refined and sharp, but blunt and brutal when one needs to be. If only Nashoba could hold a sword in her mouth. She’d do a great Sif impression.

Noir could handle the grappling hooks by herself for a little while, so I turned my attention to dealing with the threat that came from behind. I helped Nashoba finish off the last few before getting back to the task I was performing before, but Noir had finished up with things quite nicely. As it was, we had a few moments before things started getting bloody, so I started scrambling more brains on Tirek’s ship. When I got through about half of them, Tirek absolutely lost his shit and let loose a bellow that made my perch vibrate, a shout of such absolute rage that made me fear for the sanctity of my anus.

Noir backed away from the side of the ship as Tirek did the same. I knew for a fact that the ships were easily at least fifteen meters apart. There were like, ten of me head-to-toe across the gap between us, but would you like to guess fucking what? Would you like to know what the fuck happened? Tirek got a running start and fucking cleared fifteen meters like it was nothing. With a resounding clomp, Tirek landed on the deck of our ship with a large battle axe in hand. The thing’s double sided blade was easily as large as my entire fucking torso, and it was even wider than I was. I had no doubts that it was heavy and sharp, but the satanic looking thing had already distracted me for far too long. Noir and Nashoba had to keep Tirek busy while I killed the last of our other ‘friends’.

I heard Tirek engage my comrades below me on the deck, but I had to do my part, so I kept on faffing about in demon brains until I couldn’t see any of them moving on the other ship. Once I was done with that, I looked down to the deck to see that things were already looking bad. Noir had taken a cut high on her thigh and was trying to keep the majority of Tirek’s attention so Nashoba could try and tear off one of his legs. I didn’t think that was working too well for them, so I teleported down onto the deck and start slashing away at Tirek from a distance, my True Theft allowing me to hit him as I pleased. Arsene never sank too deeply into his flesh, however, so I tried stabbing him with Nacht, only to find out that I couldn’t get very far with that either. However, Tirek’s attention took a sudden turn toward me since I’d been doing the most damage to him, and that meant that I got a chance to look him in the eyes- eye.

Tirek was still missing the eye I stole from him, so I decided to make sure he had a matching set, but this time, I didn’t bother throwing it at him to see if he would catch it. No: instead I popped it into his mouth and waited for him to do something, my body tensed up and ready to move at the slightest hint of movement. Then he roared. Shortly after, he choked on his eye.

It was fucking funny.

While Tirek grasped at his throat after the shortest roar I’d ever heard, Noir slammed Mordemor into his head, the steel biting deep into his skull. Tirek froze at the contact, the sword entering one of his eye sockets, but instead of being dead like any rational person, he removed Mordemor from his face and threw a lightning fast punch at Noir, one faster than I could even hope to follow. He was still choking on his eye, but there just wasn’t any hope for us when it came to overcoming that strength gap.

The demonic Centaur suddenly started bucking and flailing his hands, trying to hit whatever he could. I didn’t think he was going to get very far like that, especially with Nashoba and I targeting the belly of his lower half, trying to spill his entrails like stuffing from a teddy bear. We aimed for the same general area and took turns with attacking, me with my sword and her with her fangs, each of us showing just a little more of Tirek’s blood, which was darker than wine, until we finally manage to see the bone of his ribcage. It was a brutal way to deal with him, but there was little we could do against someone as tough as Tirek.

I felt a sudden spike of despair for no discernible reason, but for some reason, I knew it wasn’t coming from me. I did, however, assume that it was from Twilight, so my next order of business was to finish Tirek off quickly and efficiently. If my normal weapons weren’t working all that well, then I would switch to using my Psychokinesis to slash at Tirek. My first strike landed hard, knocking him to the ground, but not cutting through his thick hide. My second strike hit him in the neck, but the only thing that broke was the deck below, so I quickly changed strategies and pulled the Warbling Blade from its sheath.

After going my entire day without using my knife, I actually kinda forgot about it, but then I remembered that this specific knife was magical as fuck and had a propensity for doing damage to things the proper way. With the blade in my left hand, I reached through the dimensions and started stabbing Tirek wherever I could while Nashoba continued to worry away the flesh around his ribs. The Warbling Blade sank down to the hilt every time I plunged it into Tirek, and after I did that a few times to his face and head in general, he eventually stopped moving, but I wasn’t prepared to let it go there. With Tirek’s soul as my soul target, I reached out toward him and pulled with all of my might, the fire inside of him having dulled down to a sticky, muggy kind of heat.

Tirek’s soul was pretty large, and from the feel of the damned thing, it was made of iron, wrapped in osmium, and coated in concrete just to make it that much fucking heavier. I’ve literally picked up pieces of Goddamn stars before, but a soul is heavier than a few million pounds? Weird shit, but either way, I struggled against Tirek’s body for a few minutes while Nashoba ran off to check on Noir. She’d been blown the fuck away by Tirek’s punch again, and I highly doubted that she was just okay. Still, I needed Tirek’s soul for some shit that you don’t need to worry about, so I only took a quick break to bring Noir to my side.

She was sopping wet like most women’s knickers whenever I give them my patented look, but this time it wasn’t just the area between the legs that was drenched. Noir was unconscious, but I figured that she would be fine with a little time out of the water, so I went back to the task at hand and continued trying to pull Tirek’s soul from his corpse. I must say that it was an arduous process, but I finally managed to weasel Tirek’s soul from him after another round. I don’t know how long it took since I left my pocket watch at home, but I know that when I got the little bugger away from him, I quickly shoved it out into space before I started working on taking one of Tirek’s horns.

That too was the pinnacle of suck, but I would rather be taking a horn from a dead man than just about anything that same dead guy could be doing to me. That being said, after hacking away at his left horn for a good ten minutes or so, I finally got it free from his head and wasted no time in shoving his soul into the thing. It would most likely go right net to Sombra’s horn on my belt, and that made me feel like a real badass, to be honest. I mean Hell, I killed two of the most powerful villains on the planet with my own two hands! Who wouldn’t be hyped up for that? If Athena didn’t get Discord accepted back into the Heavens, I would be claiming that antler of his for my own.

With Tirek’s horn in hand, I turned back to Noir and poked her a few times in the stomach area. She spat up some water after a little bit and drearily grasped her head, groaning. “I remember skipping across the water like a stone.”

“Well, you got your arse handed to you, Love. Not much we can do there.” I said nonchalantly.

Noir bolted upright and started looking around. “Tirek-”

“Dead already.” I interrupted.

She blinked at me a few times. “You and Nashoba slew him without me?”

“Well, we tried slaying him with you, but then he got pissed and knocked you off of the boat.”

“You could not have waited two minutes!?”

“We waited long enough, dammit! You should be happy I pulled your arse out of the water before you got eaten by one of the sharks swimming around!”

“I would be happier if my so called ‘friends’ remembered to include me in the final fight.” Noir grumbled.

“Oh quit your bitching and get up if you’re alright. We’ve gotta go find Nashoba since she went out looking for you.”

Noir continued grumbling all the way until she got onto her feet. “Just wait a moment and I will retrieve her.”

Noir fell backwards into her own shadow and came up through mine with Nashoba in her arms. “And now she’s here.”

Nashoba squirmed. “I am no pup to be picked up, Noir!”

My mentor put her down. “But you are so soft and warm!”

Nashoba growled and I chuckled a bit before Noir picked Nashoba up again. My little pupper struggled until Noir took off, heading upwards with every flap of her wings. I don’t see many of my friends fly that often other than Rainbow Dash, but when I do, it’s fucking weird. I think it’s because I never pay attention to their wings and I forget that they’re there. I mean, I’ve only handled Twilight’s wings a few times, and that was because she specifically asked for it. Wings on humanoid things are fucking strange, in my opinion.

Once Noir had done whatever with Nashoba, she swiftly returned and grabbed me before setting the last of the ships ablaze, though I didn’t get to watch for long. We soared above the clouds quickly, and I remembered that our chariot escort had been told to wait on us. They’d ended up pretty far away since the currents of the ocean and the air were different, but Noir found them again easily enough, and with that, we were on our way.

The trip back to Mareopolis passed uneventfully with Noir, Nashoba, and I all taking a seat in the chariot. It was nice to rest my legs for a little bit after fighting and climbing, but my main focus was rubbing the stiffness out of my left arm and hand. The muscles were cramping pretty hard from being used so much during the heart pulling, but other than that, I only had a few scratches and scrapes from the conflict. Noir was a little battered and had a couple of good cuts from Tirek’s minions and the demon bastard himself, but they had stopped bleeding some time ago and were already on the mend with a little help from her Dark Magic. Nashoba came out of the fight the worst, having been stabbed a few times and receiving a slash across her muzzle. She looked like a fucking war dog or something, and I dearly wanted her to see if she could wield Mordemor in her mouth. The Sif comparison had only gotten more real.

While we licked our wounds, (Literally in Nashoba’s case), Dark Cloud and Heavy Drizzle were doing their job and doing it damn well. Those guys deserve another mention, so here it is. Cheers to the taxi drivers, yeah? Anyway, we touched down in Mareopolis and First Sergeant Thunder was found pretty quickly. He gave us a mission report on how things had gone on shore while we were fighting out at sea, and when he subtly tried asking about how the battle had gone, Noir just flat out told him that we’d left no survivors and that he may have to worry about clearing the beaches of corpses for a few weeks. That made the fellow turn a little green and I wondered just how he would have fared in a real fucking fight. If just hearing about the grisly news made him want to hurl, what good was he going to be when bodies started dropping in front of him? Having such a high ranking officer be afraid of death really drove home just what kind of situation I was dealing with when it came to the Equestrian military.

With that out of the way, Noir told the guy that the coast was clear and that we would be leaving shortly. After a quick trip to the loo for Noir, our little trio went back to Canterlot and Nashoba requested that I send her off to Uror’s grove so she could give her a report, so I gave her a hug and took her there myself. Noir tagged along a few seconds later, rising from my shadow while Nashoba went straight to the Matron and started telling her about Tirek’s forces and his involvement in her getting hokey-poked. Uror’s face grew stormy until Nashoba got to the end and told her that I’d managed to kill Tirek, and when she did, Uror turned to me and offered me a boon of some kind for taking ‘That insufferable menace!’ out of the picture.

I considered it for a little while as Noir and Uror caught up a little bit. Nashoba went off to sleep in the shade of the Yggdrasil and I sat down nearby while the lovebirds roosted for a little bit, not saying a word between them; just enjoying each other’s company. It made me long for Twilight’s embrace, but first, I had to go and see if Celestia and Luna were unfrozen. I left Noir and Nashoba to rest and went to the last place I had seen The Royal Sisters, and while I wasn’t expecting anything in particular, I can honestly say that I never would have expected to catch them kissing each other while holding hands like primary schoolers snogging for the first time. Shit was weird.

“... Yeah, I’m going to need you to to stop.” I said awkwardly.

Celestia and Luna froze in place, their heads turning toward me almost robotically. “How did you get in here.” Celestia asked blankly.

I held up my left hand and pointed at it. “Oi.”

“... Can you leave?” Luna asked impatiently.

This is a once in a lifetime chance… “Can I watch?” I asked brazenly.

Celestia and Luna turned to each other once more and had a conversation through minute facial expressions and Woman Power™. After a minute or so of intense silent debate, they both turned toward me. “Don’t write about it.” Celestia ordered.

I grabbed my easy chair from my house. “I shall not.”

And then there was tea. Well, I didn’t have any tea, but Celestia and Luna had a lot of hot, steamy tea that I didn’t get to take part in. It was fun to watch them sip their tea calmly for long periods of time, but then down it all in one go when the time came. I’m surprised neither of their cups ran empty, even after three hours into the tea party. I guess they were doing so much… Talking, they never had a chance to really drink. Some of the things those women say over tea are quite worthy of repeating, but only if you know them personally. At the end of the party, it was explained to me that being tied up was one of Luna’s favourite things and that Celestia was in semi-estrus, so they put two and two together and had a tea party like they usually did whenever they didn’t want to go find a third party for their tea related needs. I was actually pretty damned lucky to have been invited to one of their tea parties, even if I was only an observer. I wish I could have had a cuppa, but Twilight would destroy my anus if she knew, and I would hate to piss her off for nothing.

After tea, Luna fell asleep and Celestia wasn’t quite satisfied, so she took some tea to go. Once she was dressed and cleaned, (Tea had been spilled everywhere), Celestia asked what had happened and I gave her the full rundown of what had gone on with Tirek and how he’d frozen time in Canterlot. She was shocked to find out that I was the one who had actually killed him and that Noir had been defeated by him twice in as many days. I was probably going to get a medal or something for fending off three thousand or so enemy soldiers along with Noir, but honestly? I didn’t give a shit about being recognized for doing anything. I was just glad my arse had made it out of the frying pan and onto the countertop. Granted, we weren’t out of the woods yet, but there was still time for bullshit to happen.

When I finished with my report, Celestia asked her questions and I answered them until she ran out, though that took a little time. Afterwards, she mentioned that I looked like I could use some time at home, so I pulled myself to Twilight’s house and knocked on the door. I waited for a few moments before Spike answered the door, his face rosy and his belt looking like it had just been buckled in haste. It also smelled like candied apples and there was a musky scent that I’d smelled from Spike a few times.

I raised a brow and smirked. “Twilight’s not home.”

“W-Well, no.” Spike paused. “How did you know that?”

“I took a guess. Go back to having fun, mate. I’ll catch you later.”

“Uh… Bye?”

I turned around and waved as I left, but I was mostly trying not to think about Spike shagging Apple Bloom. Like, period. It’s just a weird concept for me to think of people that I knew as kids becoming adults in that way. It’ll be weird to get used to Spike and Apple Bloom seeing each other in a more intimate way, but all I really have to do is not be a prude about it and relax. They’re not going to end up with a kid or something, so it’s not like it’s dangerous. Man, come to think of it, being a different species in a land full of oddly horny aliens is fucking dope. I can’t get anyone pregnant, I’m exotic as fuck, and even if there were sexually transmitted diseases here, I wouldn’t be able to catch them. It’s perfect for being a slut, but now that I have Twilight, it’s kind of just going to waste. Man, getting tied down kinda sucks when you think of things in that perspective.

I need to get back on track.

I left Twilight’s house and meandered about town for a little while before heading to Sugarcube Corner to see if I could pick up some of Twilight’s favourite chocolate covered kiwis. I don’t know why she likes them so much since I find them absolutely disgusting, but she likes them and I like it when she’s happy, so I was willing to pay the special fee the cakes had for chocolate coating whatever you gave them. It was actually pretty cool since they had a fountain in the back of the shop, but I’d only ever seen it once and that was when Pinkie and I got drunk and started baking. Well, the other time Pinkie and I got drunk and baked. Actually, that’s happened a few times, but I digress. I had to buy my kiwis in Canterlot, but True Theft made that task a cinch, and after I got back, I went to Sugarcube Corner and got down to business.

Once I had my gift, I headed back to Twilight’s via True Theft and stuck the box with her little snack in her ice box so the chocolate wouldn’t melt. However, as I was leaving, I felt Twilight’s presence somewhere nearby. Naturally I focused on it and was able to glean that she was coming down the road, about thirty or so seconds from being back if she kept up her pace. I figured it was a good time to get settled in, so I put Arsene and Nacht back in my house along with Sombra’s horn, but kept Tirek’s horn so I could show off my trophy. I didn’t think Twilight would get the same joy from it as I would, but I was sure that she would appreciate the signs of victory anyway. I mean for fucks sake! Dude’s horn was strapped onto my back like it was a fucking sword or something!

Twilight came in through the front and I just chilled out nearby until she came to find me. When she and I were face to face, we greeted each other with a kiss first. “I can’t feel anything too painful from you, so I’m guessing your fight with Tirek went well?” Twilight surmised.

“Well, Noir got her face wrecked twice and we had to call Nashoba in to help us deal with the fight, but we were okay for the most part. Nashoba got banged up pretty good and Noir needs a little time to heal up, but things went pretty well. They really could have gone worse.”

My lover hugged me. “I’m just glad you’re alright, Max, I really am. That being said, I really don’t want you to take offense to this when I ask, okay?”

I held her. “If you’re asking how I got out of the skirmish with minor injuries while Nashoba and Noir actually got hurt, it’s because they were taking the brunt of the action while I was using my Magic to thin out the masses. I probably have more kills than either of them, but it’s not like we fought everyone individually. I’ll fill you in on the rest of the details later if you want. I need a shower and some affection at the moment, so if you don’t mind…?”

Twilight kissed my cheek. “Yeah, but please don’t leave your clothes here. I don’t know what that black stuff is, but it smells awful.”

I grimaced. “I was hoping that it was just me who could smell it. Do you mind if I used your shower real quick then?”

She smiled. “What’s mine is yours, Amour. You know that by now.”

I kissed her cheek. “Always the benevolent sweetheart, aren’t you? I’ll be back in a trice.”

Twilight beamed brightly. “I’ve got exciting news for when you come back, so hurry up!”

“Will do, Cherry.”

Without wasting anymore time, I ran up the stairs to Twilight’s room and quickly gathered the necessary materials for a shower. Shower stuff happened. Once I felt like I smelled good enough (Because that’s how I judge my cleanliness), I pulled myself straight from Twilight’s bathroom to her side, sticking the landing without stumbling or faltering for the first time. I’d finally caught the trick of pulling myself somewhere when I wasn’t in a hurry, and it was to do it gently. My fiance had been walking around her living room while reading a couple of books at the same time, so I startled her with my speedy arrival.

“Oh! Max, don’t just pop in next to me!” Twilight said, feigning indignation.

“You’d prefer it if I just popped into you, yeah?” I said cheekily.

She blushed lightly. “That’s not what we’re talking about right now.”

I gave her a lascivious grin. “So you say. Why don’t we talk about that a little sooner?”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Can I share my news now?”

“Waiting with baited breath here, Cherry.”

She gave me a look. “I know you’re interested, but when you say that, you sound like you couldn’t care much less.”

“I’ll avoid saying it in the future, if that’s how you feel.”

“Thank you. So my big news is huge, Max, and I mean it’s the best thing since Alicornification.” Twilight smiled widely and fidgeted like she was waiting for me to inquire a little further.

“Alright, now the suspense is killing me. What happened?”

“Guess.” She said playfully.

I raised a brow. “You found the perfect someone to spend the rest of your life with?”

“That’s old news, silly! Guess again.”

“Hmm… You finally became a Princess like you’ve always dreamed?”

Twilight spread her wings and put her hands on her hips. “Not quite, but you’re getting closer.”

“I don’t think I’m going to get it, Cherry.” I chuckled.

She smiled some more. “Alright, you’re never going to believe this, but the girls and I went into the Everfree where the Tree of Harmony lies, okay?”

I nodded slowly. “Okay. Why were you there?”

Twilight swayed from side to side. “Well, I wanted to see if I could find a way to help you against Tirek since it sounded like it was going to be a tough battle, so I asked the girls if they wanted to see if the Tree of Harmony would do anything to help you out. Thus, we went into the Everfree, but when we got there, there was a stranger in a cloak that told us to return with some stuff that I recently had a dream about.” Wait, what?

“Hold on. So you’re saying that you had a dream about some random objects and some weird bloke in the Everfree told you to bring those exact things to the Tree of Harmony?” I asked, creeped the fuck out.

She nodded excitedly. “It was so strange! I knew something was up then and there, but it seemed like there was a connection between each of the individual things that I had the dream about: They were all things that we’d received from someone whose life we’d touched in a positive way. Rarity brought a spool of Rainbow Thread she got from a mare she helped, Fluttershy brought a flower from Seabreeze-”

“Who?”

“Not important right now.” Twilight waved my words aside. “Still, we all had a gift from something we did.”

“So what was your token-thing?” I asked.

Twilight twisted her engagement ring. “I’ll give you a hint: It was the best gift I ever received, and it was from the most amazing man I’ve ever met~”

I couldn’t help but chuckle. “Now I’m glad I proposed.”

Twilight gave me a fake angry look. “Are you saying you weren’t before?”

I shrugged. “Eh. I just want you for your body, but since you won’t let me have it…”

She rolled her eyes. “Can I get on with my story?”

“Please do.”

“Thank you. So we all brought the stuff from my dream to the Tree of Harmony, but nothing happened. We didn’t know what was supposed to happen, so we kinda just talked amongst ourselves for a little while, bouncing ideas off of each other until Pinkie tried shoving the rubber chicken she got from Cheese Sandwich into a chest that had six keyholes-”

“Wait, so why didn’t you guys try that earlier? You had six items, and if there was a chest at a magical tree, I would assume that it’s magical too. That compounding-”

“Shush!” Twilight pouted hard. “Let me tell my story!”

I gestured for her to continue and so she did. “Anyway, the rest of us brought our tokens to the chest, and much to our surprise, the tokens turned into keys!” Twilight waited for me to respond.

“Fucking radical. What happened after that?”

Twilight practically vibrated. “Everyone got like, a complete makeover! Oh Max, you would have to see it for yourself to really appreciate it, but the girls all looked so beautiful! All of our Magic was pooled together and there were new accents to our manes and wings and little sparklies on our eyes-” She balled her hands up and held them to her chest, making the most adorable little squee of excitement. “It was the coolest thing ever!”

“Cooler than The Covenant?” I asked, quite amused.

“Oh my gosh, it was so much cooler.” Twilight gushed. “I mean, I love you to the ends of Equus and back, but you should’ve seen us, Max! I never thought we could ever look like that.”

“Can you play your memories back and show me?”

Twilight’s face lit up. “YEs! Oh my gosh yes!”

Her horn lit up just moments later and she took my hands in hers before I touched my forehead to the tip of her horn. Her memories flashed into my head and I saw exactly what she was talking about, but I can’t say that I found it all that interesting. I mean, they looked like glammed up dolls that little girls played with, and I wasn’t a little girl. They looked cute and all, but it just wasn’t my thing. That being said, when Twilight looked at herself in a mirror, I actually felt like she looked less attractive with all the extra nonsense. I mean, her wings were fine being monotones instead of being tritoned, and her mane looked kinda weird with a pale yellow stripe in it. She had little stars on her face that reminded me of that old cartoon… Rainbow Brite, I think it was.

When Twilight and I separated, she looked disappointed. “You barely care.”

I gave her an apologetic smile. “You looked cute.”

“Well yeah, but I was just hoping that you would be more excited about it.”

“Cherry, I’m a man. Cute is nice, but it’s probably never going to mean as much to me as it does to you.”

She sighed. “Maybe I should’ve been a lesbian.”

“You can still be a lesbian.” I said, hurt.

“Yes, but you weren’t born a woman, Max.”

“I know some transgender people that would be very upset with you right now.” Reminds me of the time I accidentally pissed a guy off because I called him ‘her’. Dude was pre-op, in my defense, but I still cussed him out for snapping at me over little shit. Punk ass snowflake.

Twilight gave me a look. “Don’t you have something you want to show me too?”

“Well, it’s just a spoil of war.”

She flinched. “It’s not a necklace of ears or something, is it?”

“Universal Soldier was good, wasn’t it?” I said to myself more so than to Twilight. “Yeah, no, it’s not ears. It’s a fucking massive horn.”

“That’s weird, Max.”

“It’s the fucking dog’s bollocks, babycakes.” I said cheesily.

She sighed. “Let’s see it, then.”

I pulled it from her bedroom and presented it to her. The horn itself was about two meters long, give or take (mostly take) a foot or so. It was about as tall as I was and a little curvy, but it would be an awesome addition to my mantle whenever I got home. “So? What do you think? It’s pretty awesome, isn’t it?”

Twilight looked at the stump on the end. “... Did you rip that off of some giant bull or something?”

“Nope, I cut it off of Tirek’s head.” I said proudly.

Twilight turned a little green and teleported it away. “I just put it in the basement. I’m going to try and forget about that while we walk.”

“Where are we going?” I asked, tilting my head.

Twilight smiled. “We’re going somewhere special. It’s the most exciting thing about the Tree of Harmony!”

“Huh. I’ve never actually seen that, to be fair.”

“No, silly! It’s not the tree itself; it’s the result of the chest that was with the tree!”

I blinked. “Oh. Was it a big chest?”

Twilight grabbed my hand. “No more questions, okay? Let’s go see it!”

“Lead the way, milady.” I tipped my imaginary fedora.

Twilight looked at me like I was fucking retarded. “Never do that again.”

“I won’t. I felt like a lolicon virgin.” I shuddered.

“My neck feels itchy.”

“So does mine. Are we gonna go see the thing or not?” I asked.

Twilight teleported us just outside, not even a meter away from the steps, before she started dragging me further into town. I kept pace with her easily enough, but her grip was tight and she was babbling excitedly the entire way there. Twilight was so hyped up, I felt like I was back in England at an E3 where Valve announced fucking Portal 3 and Half-Life 3 simultaneously while giving everyone in the audience free copies of each. This shit had her that hysterical. When we were getting toward the edge of town, Twilight magicked up a blindfold and lead me at a more sedate gait toward whatever the surprise was supposed to be. I was keeping my mind clear so I wouldn’t try and think of what it was, but there were obvious factors I had to take into account.

Whatever our enigmatic surprise was, it had to be somewhere between shack size and gargantuan, which wasn’t much of a hint to be honest. The thing had to be magical in nature since it came from one of the oldest sources of Magic in the Everfree, and Twilight said that during her first kiss with Uror, the Matron had given her a lot of information on the Everfree in general, but not much on the tree itself. Although, she did tell Twilight that she predated the Tree of Harmony by at least fifteen hundred years, give or take a decade. That being said, the tree had to be a relic of some ancient whatever, so whatever the surprise was, it was most likely going to be older than fucking Noir. Ancient magical being and/or structure, by my deductions. I wasn’t terribly fond of Eldritch beings and I’m still not, so I was really hoping that it was a fucking pond or something.

When Twilight finally stopped and told me that I could take off the blindfold, I was a little more certain about what I was facing. I could smell water in the distance, clean and fresh. It had a mineral-esque scent that I get from certain types of stones, but I don’t know what the fuck they are. Still, it told me that the water was probably good to drink, but I didn’t know of any streams or anything on this side of town. Not this close, at least. Another thing was that I couldn’t feel the headwind that had been blowing steadily while we’d been walking, so I assumed that a large object was blocking it, and since I couldn’t smell any mammalian, reptilian, or avian scents, I was pretty sure that it was a building.

What a fucking building it was.

I removed the blindfold and gazed upon a grand castle, far larger than any I’d seen before with how much space it took up. The grounds were surrounded by a seven meter tall wall that seemed to stretch on and on, the bricks of the wall being made of a ashen looking stone, nearly white but with crystals of grey and black streaked throughout pell-mell, reminiscent of a birch tree with smaller blotches. However, the black spots seemed to be shrinking away as the grey spots faded slightly as they expanded, making the wall turn a pale shade of grey that still sparkled and gleamed as the light hit the crystals. I’m rather sure that it was some kind of magical granite, but I can’t be sure.

The gates in front of the walls were tall, arching higher into the air while two heavy polished silver doors sat in front, blocking out entry. The doors themselves were unremarkable, but I did notice that there were two smallish circles near the bottom that were equidistant from each other, dead set in the center. One of the plates was glowing for a reason unbeknownst to me, but I reasoned that it had something to do with Twilight due to the light emanating from the door being purple and pink, but that is nowhere near as interesting as the mural that was engraved on the left door. Twilight herself stood with her hand pressed against the inward edge, her horn depicted as a glowing beacon. It was a fantastic representation of her, to be frank, but it did make me wonder if I was supposed to be the other half.

I turned my attention to the castle itself after having been impressed with just the fucking walls and gate, and I just… I stared blankly at the massive opaque crystalline tree in front of me. It was easily as tall as the Crystal Castle, and it dwarfed Canterlot Castle by a pretty fucking decent margin. Each branch of the tree had a spacious balcony jutting out from it that I couldn’t really see since I was practically under it, but the sheer enormity of the place… It was a palace fit for an Emperor. I was awestruck by the magnificence and grace that the castle held, but when Twilight squeezed my hand and got my attention, she pointed to the group of people at the door who were most likely trying to find a way in. I asked Twilight if anyone had flown over to see what was inside and she said that she’d made it a Royal Edict that no one was supposed to fly over or enter the castle before the Royal Family was assembled. The girls were already there, but I wanted Adstus to be present as well, so I asked Twilight to go tell the girls that I would be back in just a moment.

After a swift collection of the members of my team, Twilight and I split up to go get Celestia, Luna, Noir, and Cadance. Twilight collected the Royal Sisters from Canterlot while I collected my mentor and ‘living playtoy’. Cadence’s words, not mine. Fuck, I wasn’t supposed to write that down. Scratch.

So we got the important people together including both of our families. When our crowd of twenty-two fucking people was assembled and ready to roll, Twilight and I took center stage in front of the door and she placed her hand on the little silver disk to the right, making it glow a little bit brighter. It also made the engraving ripple oddly, but I found that to be absolutely enchanting since it made Twilight’s eyes blink and follow people as well as make her hair ripple as if blown by an unfelt breeze. My fiance turned to me and I placed my left hand on the left plate, watching as the door transformed itself before our very eyes.

The engraving seemed to simply fade into existence from the depths of the door itself, but what a flattering engraving it was! My hair was perfectly coiffed without making me look too ‘royal’ or uppity in general, instead looking as I usually keep it: just above my ears. The engraving even got the waves of my hair right, and I could swear that I felt a breeze blowing through my own locks, just as it was in the depiction. My own pose mirrored Twilight’s, but my face lacked the calm, gentle smile that Twilight’s had. My countenance was one laced with cynical tendencies and skepticism, like I was was waiting for someone to lie to me so I could catch them outright. It was actually pretty indicative of how I felt Twilight and I would rule: She would be friendly and courteous while I would most likely be the iron fist to her velvet glove.

After a few moments, Twilight and glanced at each other before looking back to the door and pushing. The engravings themselves altered their poses, the rippling effect on both doors continuing on as we pushed. My silver doppelganger stared down at me with his arms crossed as if he expected me to do something worthy of mention while Twilight’s door smiled at us warmly when we looked at it. When we pushed the doors open wide enough for our group to pass through, the guardians of the doors looked out toward the rest of the party. My engraving nodded once and seemed to lean back up against a wall and Twilight’s extended a hand gesturing for us to turn our attention to the castle grounds.

The group assembled with the Royal Family in the front while Twilight and I took point. This was obviously supposed to be our domain, so it was common sense to let us lead the charge. The grounds themselves were massive, covered with fruit trees of all kinds with strange animals I’d never seen before stopping some distance away from us to inspect their visitors. There were a lot of patches of open grass among the orderly rows of trees, each brick-laid path leading somewhere unseen. There were a few Jackalopes that were the size of English Bulldogs, melanic Deer with piercing green eyes, a white Bear with a black star on its chest and a shock of black fur gracing its head. Similar creatures could be seen all around, including a bluebird that was practically made of icy flames and a Lion with a silver mane and golden coat.

The Lion and the Bear came forth beyond the semicircle the rest of the animals had formed, stopping a short distance away from Twilight and I. They looked to her for a moment, but then turned to me and narrowed their eyes. Something told me that Twilight had passed their test with aplomb while I was more of a ‘wait and see’ kind of deal. As I stepped forward, Twilight stuck by my side and thus we waited to be addressed by the predators in front of us.

The white Bear spoke first. “You two are the prophesied ones?” She asked bluntly.

“I suppose we are.” I answered a bit numbly.

The Lion snorted. “Then the time has come for the world to be at war. Have either of you met the Matron of the Everfree?”

“Max, what are they saying?” Twilight whispered.

“They’re asking if we’ve met Uror, and the answer to that is yes. She’s an ally of ours.” I replied.

The She-Bear came over to sniff me. “You smell of darkness.”

“I’m not necessarily a nice guy. I admitted.

“Then you shall be my charge.” The Lion said flatly.

“The Lion says I’m gonna be his student or something, so I’m guessing our bear friend is going to be your counselor.” I said to Twilight.

She smiled nervously at the Bear. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“Likewise, Twilight Sparkle.” The She-Bear replied.

Twilight’s eyes flew open. “You speak Equuish?”

“We can speak whatever Two-Leg language we need to.” The Bear replied matter-of-factly.

“Quite useful.” I said.

“It is.” The Lion stated gruffly. “We know who you are, but you do not know our names. We are Aurum and Urana of the Arcadian Tree. I am Aurum. She is Urana.”

Twilight nodded. “I’m guessing we’ll be hearing from you two pretty often?”

“If you live here, then yes.” Urana said.

“Moving is going to be a pain in the arse.” I muttered.

“Don’t be a cub.” Urana admonished.

I gave her a look. “Just let me complain, will you? It makes me feel better.”

Aurum groaned. “I’m dealing with a grown cub.”

“You two kinda suck, you know that?” I said irritably.

“That was an insult, but it means nothing to us.” Urana responded.

“More of his complaining. You deal with him.” Aurum tried.

“We settled this matter seven hundred and ninety-three years ago. End of discussion.”

Aurum groaned as I took a deep breath. “Alright, whatever. Do either of you know Nashoba?”

Urana looked at me. “We have been hidden away from the world for nearly eight thousand years.”

“... Do you know of the Wolfmothers?” I tried.

“Yes, we do. Are you affiliated with them?” Aurum asked.

“I’m the companion to the current one with the previously mentioned name.”

“Whose daughter is she?” Urana asked.

“Uh…. Asena, I think.”

“Never heard of her.” Aurum said bluntly. “It has been too long. If you are her companion, then summon her to us so we may begin getting caught up on the matters of this world. As you may have guessed, this is your territory so tread as you please.”

“That’s pretty great.” I said.

Twilight squee’d again. “Max! Do you know what this means!?”

“We’re moving in together?” I replied hopefully.

Twilight embraced me, hugging me tightly. “Yes!”

There were a few whoops and hollers from our group, many of them voicing their congratulations on our progress, but then something struck me. “Twilight.”

She held me at arm’s length, her eyes twinkling with ideas and plans. “Yes, Amour?”

“Here.”

She blinked at me, still smiling. “Here?”

I nodded thrice. “Here.”

Her jaw dropped a little and she looked up at the castle, then back to me. “Oh dear Heavens. Here.”

“Yes!” I gushed.

Twilight squeezed me again. “We have it here! Oh Max, this is so perfect!”

I wrapped her up tight. “When?”

She froze and narrowly avoided hitting me with her horn. “We need to start as soon as possible!”

I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. “Fucking Hell. Tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow!”

We hugged each other and Twilight stood on my toes as I rocked us around in a circle before our lips met. We turned to our friends and family and spoke in unison. “Everyone! We start decorating for the wedding tomorrow!”

Twilight and I were immediately swarmed by those closest to us, packed together in the mass of people that we had assembled. Hugs were passed around, sometimes with multiple people coming in for one. It was probably one of the happiest moments of my life, having most of my close acquaintances there to witness Twilight and I getting a place together. It was a superb way to begin The War: A victory on the coast, and a random boon from the mainland made for an occasion worth celebrating, but that moment wasn’t quite the time. We still had to get inside and see what the Tree Castle’s insides looked like.

When Twilight and I were finally freed from the mass of congratulatory loving, Aurum stepped up to me. “Maximus, lower yourself.”

I knelt in front of him and he touched his nose to my forehead, giving me the layout of the Castle in just a few seconds. Urana didn't have to ask the samje of Twilight since she was so damned tall, though I assumed that she got the same treatment. When our advisors had passed on their knowledge, they departed, leaving us to explore the depths of our new domain. Twilight and I took the lead once more and we all strolled down the grey brick path that lead up a ways to the Castle itself.

As we walked down the path, we saw more creatures straight from mythology, such as Foxes with multiple tails. The number of tails often correlated with their sizes, and I even saw one light silver Fox with nine blue-tipped tails. It seriously looked like a shiny Ninetails, and I wanted nothing more than to go and talk to it for a moment. Twilight picked up on my eagerness and we made a beeline for them, though once it realized we were walking towards it, the Fox started coming towards us. We stopped a decent distance away from each other under a tree that had fruit that looked like the Zap variety of peaches. I reached up with my True Theft to grab one and held onto it for a moment before talking to the Fox.

“Hullo, friend. Do you mind if I ask your name?” I inquired.

“I do not. I am Kurama. It is an honor to meet the prophesied ones.” Kurama said pleasantly.

“Could you tell us more about this prophecy?” I asked.

“None here know much of it. We have long forgotten the full verse, but we do know that it depicted both yourself and Twilight Sparkle perfectly. Those of us that can feel Magic knew that our time to be released was coming nearly three years ago.” Kurama answered.

That answer shocked me, but Twilight was even more amazed. “Wow!”

“Wow indeed.” Kurama chuckled. “Just as Aurum and Urana are your advisors to the mundane, I will be your advisor to the effervescent, the intangible. If I may meet the Specter sleeping within your ring…?”

It took a moment for it to click in my head. “Oh, you mean Jovia.” I tapped my ring twice and waited for a moment.

Jovia seeped out of the ring quickly enough, yawning and stretching as she did so. “Good morning, master. How may I serve you today?” She asked blearily.

“Wotcher, Love. I need you to meet the nice Fox behind you, if you don’t mind.” I said.

Jovia looked at me funny before turning around. She jolted when she saw Kurama, which was fucking funny to me. I stifled some chuckles as Kurama asked Jovia to follow her for a walk around the premises, but as they walked away, they faded into the Ether like they’d never been there in the first place. Shrugging, I took Twilight’s hand in mine and we walked onward to the castle itself.

Seeing it up close and personal gave me an appreciation for the fucking enormity of the damned thing. Like, it was easily a hundred meters tall, reaching up towards the sky much like the Crystal Castle did, though the CC was probably a bit shorter. It certainly had more room to expand than any other castle I’d been to, but I did find it strange that it was just a singular building rather. From the inside, however, I could see that the walls could be manned and that there were battlements with cylindrical portions jutting out from them. I figured that those thick, granite walls were hollow on the inside, and from the looks of them, they were probably pretty spacious.

There was a moat around the Castle itself, fed by a river that hadn’t previously been on this side of town. The source was outside of the Castle walls and the river ran straight through the area, forming a neat little circle around the base of the tree and continuing on through the opposite side. Rainbow, Noir, and Spike all flew up and took a survey of what they could see. When they returned, Noir told me that the place was shaped up like a perfect Pokeball and that it was even more beautiful around the back where all sorts of flowers were growing. There were bridges on both sides of the river, so before we crossed the moat and went into the Castle, we went around back to see what it looked like.

There really was an astounding mix of flora and fauna in the garden-like area behind the castle, but what made me happy was the training-ground-looking place that encompassed about half of the space. The grass in that quarter of the grounds was a dark bluish-green that looked soft, and there was plenty of training equipment that seemed like it had been well looked after. There was an obstacle course, a smattering of pull-up bars, a climbing wall or five of various heights and difficulties, a full track with two tall posts as starting points, and as identified by Twilight, rare, incredibly large and fragrant flowers that would energize those who sat under their petals. I was super hype for that, but the Ponies are what they are and were far more interested in the delectable flowers that were lined up in tidy rows.

Something incredible to note was that the flowers that were eaten grew back within the span of sixty seconds, aided by the ambient Magic in the air. Those of us who could use Magic were already well aware of the sheer amount of power flowing inside the Castle walls, but only Twilight and I could tell that there was a massive rune built in. The brick paths were most likely leylines, if Twilight’s guess is accurate, and they would do something when fully activated, but we couldn't tell what it was just yet. No, we left that question for another day, though Celestia was rather intrigued by the prospect of Ancient Magic and Twilight was already brainstorming up ways to find out what the rune was supposed to do.

We eventually schlepped our way back to the Castle’s entrance, but we didn’t know how to lower the damned drawbridge. Celestia and Luna offered to be the ones to get it since they had some experience with it from charading as guards for fun, so they took care of it quickly enough, and thus we entered the Castle’s slightly lower inner walls. These were only about four meters tall instead of being seven, but they were still too high to see over.

The inner walls held two types of trees in rows. The trees on the left obviously represented me with their dark grey trunks and blue leaves of varying shades, and the ones on the right had to be Twilight’s with the amber-coloured bark and foliage in hues of purple and pink. The doors ahead of the trees were large and ornate with an etching of yet another tree, though this one had leaves that rustled in the same unfelt breeze that had blown in the doors prior. I have to admit, the Celtic stylings of the tree were simply lovely, and when Twilight told me that the engravings on this door were just as magical as the ones prior, I was fucking elated.

Once we’d cleared the strange trees and had entered the Castle proper, bricks were shit. Shitted. Shat. Bricks were expelled through the anus boyo, and that’s all that matters. The high vaulted hallway was absolutely astounding with Magic stained glass windows that allowed light to shine through what should have been solid wall, and those windows often depicted something either Twilight or I had done. My achievements were again on the left side while Twilight’s were on the right, and as we walked down a damn-near literal ‘memory lane’, we stopped at some interesting ones and told the stories behind them since a lot of the group we’d brought hadn’t been around or heard them before.

Twilight told tales of friendship and kindness while my stories were littered with bodies like, half of the time. Still, seeing our greatest accomplishments immortalized in the windows of our very own Castle was fucking radical beyond belief. The sculptures and various other knick-knacks that lined the hall were interesting to say the least, and many of the glass cases on our respective sides were generally representative of our personalities. Twilight’s side, for example, held books with long-forgotten names and a menagerie of jewelry and other such relics while my side held daggers, swords, the occasional axe, and more than a few sets of rudimentary lockpicks of different styles. The whole experience started to feel a little eerie to me, but I could barely feel the unease through Twilight’s euphoria. We were both happy, but my perfect purple plum was positively rhapsodic while I was stuck in a well of staggered joy that just made me smile like a fool while we walked.

There were a fucktonne of halls that lead to all sorts of different places, but Twilight and I knew where we wanted to lead everyone first, so we started with the Throne Room which was in the middle of the palace. When we reached it, we saw first hand that the ceiling in the room was actually the very top of the Castle itself. Walkways circled the room on different levels, and from my reckoning, there were about ten of them. Applejack had to hold Rainbow back from zipping around the room, but no one could get a hold on Pinkie, though it’s not like anyone even fucking tried. The Great Pink Menace hadn’t said anything outside of congratulating Twilight and I on our revised wedding plans, but she was making the strangest noise as she spazzed out completely. One moment there was a normal throne room and the next there were party decorations everywhere, and I do mean everywhere. No one understood how it happened and there were no questions asked.

Instead of enjoying the party, we moved on to exploring the rest of the Castle with our next destination in mind. The Dining Hall was fucking massive, though it was a little on the Spartan side. Rarity said that it was perfect since we could turn it into anything we wanted to, but I didn’t care all that much, to be honest. Twilight already had plans for it by the time we left the room and was talking excitedly about them to the ladies of the group while Spike, Crimson, Swift, Onyx, and Shining were all asking me about what I planned to do with the suits of armour that were strewn about the halls. Night Light stayed next to his wife, though I caught his casting the odd furtive glance in my direction. Crimson also noted that and he brought it up in conversation.

“Hey Max.” He said softly as the rest of the fellas were talking.

“Yeah mate?” I said at the same volume.

“You’ve noticed the guy with the mares, right?”

“Night Light, the guy who keeps looking over here.” I replied.

“That’s the guy who practically tried to torture you when you went to train with the Canterlot Guard?”

“Yup.”

“Same guy who stomped on your head?”

“Yup.”

“Same guy who happens to be Twilight’s Dad?”

“Sure is.”

Crimson looked his way. “When do you want me to break his kneecaps?”

“Preferably never. Look mate, if Night Light gets hurt on my watch, Twilight’s going to be pissed, so take this as your warning not to fuck with him on my behalf. If Twilight gets mad at you and wants me to do something about it, I’m probably going to have to fight you for doing something nice for me.”

Crimson made a derisive noise. “You’re as tame as hay, dude.”

“Fuck off. I like keeping my woman happy because it makes me happy.” I replied.

He made a whipping noise and I may or may not have hit him where the Gentleman’s Sausage hangs its hat. That’s neither here nor there because I decided to get something out of the way while I could and approached Night Light. Those of my friends who were in my path got out of my way when they saw who I was looking at, and when I came to a stop in front of him, Twilight Velvet stuck close by his side. Twilight glanced over before she went back to talking to Rarity, Cadance, and Noir about decorations, but that was pretty much it.

“We need to talk.” I stated firmly.

Night flinched and looked away as Velvet stood in front of him. “By talk do you mean fight?” She asked accusingly.

“No, I mean talk. Word to word, vibrations of the vocal chords being recepted by thin membranes within the ears and nothing else.” I said evenly.

Velvet glared at me. “If you so much as lay a hand on him…”

I raised a brow. “Did Twilight tell you about our agreement?”

She lost some of the steel in her eyes. “She did.”

“Then trust Twilight to know whether or not I’ll break that promise.”

Mother looked at daughter and their eyes met. Twilight looked at Velvet for a moment before looking at me and tilting her head. I pointed at Night Light and she nodded sharply, excusing herself from the conversation she’d been having.

When she came over, Twilight stood next to me and smiled at her parents. “Is everything alright?”

“Max wants to talk to Night Light.” Velvet answered tersely.

Twilight sighed. “It’s about time they talked about what happened, don’t you think?”

“Are you sure he isn’t mad?” Velvet asked nervously.

“Oh, I’m still mad, but I’m not going to pull any bullshit.” I replied.

Twilight nodded. “Even if Max was planning on breaking his promise, which he isn’t, there are more than enough people here who are more powerful than he is. I don’t think he would get far if he had hostile intentions.”

“Besides, Fancy got my licks in for me. I think we’re as square as we need to be.” I chimed in.

Night Light frowned hard. “Fancy was my friend for thirty years.”

“And you pissed it away because you were upset.” Twilight snapped. “Don’t you think for a second that Max had anything to do with that.”

Night Light glared at her. “Don’t you speak to your father like that, young mare.”

Velvet nodded. “That’s right, Sparkle. Don’t forget who raised you.”

Twilight crossed her arms. “I’m not forgetting anything, but I am remembering the times both of you told me not to try and get revenge on those who do me wrong.”

Velvet pursed her lips and Night Light grimaced, neither of them saying anything. Shining and Cadance took the opportunity to join in on the conversation while the rest of the group shied away, giving us space for our talk. The couple from the Crystal Empire stood off to the side of the Twilights, signifying their stance as neutral parties in the matter.

Cadance was the first to speak. “I see this talk is finally happening.” She said warily.

Shining looked between myself and his father somewhat anxiously, like he was expecting something to occur. “It’s not going well, is it?”

Velvet straightened her back a bit. “It’s going.”

“Everyone knows the full story by now, right? Both sides?” Twilight asked.

The six of us nodded simultaneously. “Then I’m sure we’re all on the same page as far as that goes. Does anyone here think Dad shouldn’t apologize to Max?”

Night Light’s face grew red as the rest of us shook our heads. “Did Max ever apologize for abandoning you?”

Twilight looked at him like he was stupid. “Of course he did! He’s done it dozens of times!”

“And he’s still beating himself up over it, if what Max told me is true.” Shining chimed in. “You know how good I am at picking out lies from the truth, Dad.”

Night Light stuck his chin out. “Fine. I’ll apologize for what I did when he apologizes for ruining my relationship with Fancy Pants and Fleur De Lis.”

All eyes turned to me. “Alright. I’m sorry that Fancy took it upon himself to seek vindication for your actions against me.” I said dryly.

Night Light practically glowed with indignation. “How dare you say you had no hand in that!”

“Do we need a truth spell to prove it?” I asked, disappointed in the man before me.

Cadance and Twilight both offered to perform the spell, and when Velvet suggested that they both do it, I was content enough to subject myself to it. “Alright Max,” Cadance said slowly, “who out of everypony in this Castle would you sleep with if Twilight isn’t involved.”

“No one. I’d need Twilight’s permission to do anything with them.” I answered automatically.

Twilight smiled. “But if I let you do it, who would it be with?”

“Luna.” I bit back the reasoning.

The other five people in the group looked at each other. “Why?” Was their answer as a whole.

“I want to shag both of the Royal Sisters and all of the female Royal Family. It’s been a goal of mine since I dated Celestia.” I felt my face flush. “Can we stop with this line of questioning now?”

Twilight sighed. “I guess it was pretty heartbreaking when I told you that you couldn't sleep with Luna, wasn’t it?”

“It was a little devastating.” I begrudgingly confessed.

Velvet coughed. “So… Does that mean you’ve… You know… With…” She pointed at Cadance and Shining, Twilight, the woman in question, and myself all blushed.

My mouth was sealed with Magic. “We really don’t need to go down that road.” Shining said quickly.

Velvet and Night Light both looked at Cadance in abject horror, but Twilight came in for the rescue. “Max, have you ever asked Fancy or Fleur to hurt anyone?”

“No. Never.” I replied once the Magic holding my mouth shut was dispelled.

“Did you thank Fancy for attacking me?” Night Light asked with an edge to his tone.

“Yes. He did something a brother would do for another.”

Night Light fumed. “So you admit it!”

“No. I never asked Fancy to hurt you in any capacity. I did, however, thank him for getting revenge for me since I can’t do it myself.”

Velvet pursed her lips. “... He’s telling the truth. I cast my own Truth Spell when Sparkle and Cadance did.”

Now all the attention was on Night Light. “... Then I suppose I have to apologize, now don’t I.” He muttered.

He took a deep breath and started to speak, but before he could say anything, I held up a hand. “It’s fine. You won’t mean it, so save your breath.”

Night Light let the rest of his air out. “I don’t regret it for a moment.”

Velvet hit him. “Night Light!”

He shrugged. “We’re still telling the truth. Honestly, the only thing that felt better than making you bleed was building my family.”

I nodded. “I understand the feeling.”

Night Light gave me an odd look. “... So you get it?”

“I really do.” I nodded.

“Then you’ll understand when I tell you to go to bucking Tartarus.” He snarled.

Twilight slapped him faster than I could move. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. “You make me sick! Consider yourself uninvited to my wedding!”

“Twily, hold on now-” Shining started.

“You’re just upset-” Cadance tried.

“Sparkle, Sweetie,” Velvet said, panic evident in her voice. “We’re your parents! You can’t honestly tell us that we’re not allowed to come to the happiest day of your life!”

“I can and I will! I don’t see Max holding grudges for something someone can’t control. I don’t see Max revelling in harming innocent people. I don’t see Max standing around, insulting people for no reason.” Twilight’s lip curled.

Velvet looked like she was about to cry. “But Sparkle!”

Twilight leveled a glare at her. “Nothing you can say will change my mind barring a heartfelt apology to Max.”

Shining looked pleadingly at his father. “Dad, you can’t seriously tell me that you don’t feel even the slightest bit bad about abusing your power!”

Night Light turned to him. “I can and I will: I don’t regret a damned thing.”

The other white meat had a face of pure disbelief. “You’re a foal! I can’t believe you’re the same stallion who told me to never hold a grudge!” Well, yours was absolved by Magic, so…

“If you can’t accept that Max feels terribly about leaving Twilight, then I can’t accept you.” Cadance said. “When you feel like being a real stallion instead of some- Some- Self-righteous halfwit, maybe we'll talk!”

Night Light stared at her, but Shining spoke before he could. “This is so petty. So, so very petty.”

Velvet grasped her husband’s hand. “Darling, please! There must be some part of you that knows what you did was wrong.”

Night Light’s eyes shot open. “Not you too! Vel, you can’t be taking their side on this!”

She looked at him, shedding tears. “Your Celestia-forsaken vendetta against Max is going to cost us our daughter’s wedding, NL! Please, I’m begging you!”

His lips twitched and he turned away. “I can’t help how I feel and you should damn well know that!”

“Don’t talk to Mom like that! She hasn’t done a thing to you!” Twilight shouted.

I put a hand on her arm and turned toward her. That meant I could only see Night Light’s hand connecting with her cheek, which in turn meant that I had him in the air by the throat within the next second.

Night Light looked down at me fearfully as I did my best not to crush his trachea then and there. “Lay another hand on her. Do it.” I growled.

Night Light choked out something or other while Twilight grabbed my arm. “Amour! You said you wouldn’t hurt him!”

It took a lot of fucking effort, and I do mean a lot, but I managed to make my hand relax enough to get Night Light back on the floor, but when I put him down, he collapsed to his knees and shook.

Velvet was hesitant to come to his side and Shining looked like he wanted to put himself between us, but couldn’t bring himself to do it. Cadance cast a bubble around Night Light before anything else could happen as Twilight beseechingly.

“Max, it’s okay-” She began.

“If he hits you again, he’s gone, Twilight. I don’t give a fuck if he’s your father or not; I swear I’ll break him.” I seethed.

“And what? You’ll make a liar of yourself?” Twilight asked, trying to guilt me into calming down.

“I swore to protect you from everything I could, and I’ll be damned if I don’t take that to heart.” I said, trying to even out my voice.

Twilight touched my face. “You also swore to never break your vows to me, Amour.”

I held her hand to my cheek. “... What do you want me to do?”

“I want you to let me handle this, okay?” She removed her hand from my cheek but kept ahold of it as she turned to face her sperm donor. “Night Light. Do you have anything to say for yourself?”

He looked at her. “I’m sorry, Sparkle… I- I…”

She looked down her nose at him. “You’ve sunk lower than I thought you ever could, Night Light.” Oh, addressing him by his name… Not a good sign.

“Sparkle, I’m sorry! I apologize!” He said, his eyes welling up with tears.

Twilight’s lips quivered. “Get out. If I ever want to talk to you, I’ll find you. If you try to communicate with me for any other reason than setting up a meeting so you can finally admit to being a bastard, then we’re done. As it is… “ She sniffed. “I can’t see the Dad I loved in your face anymore. You are not my father.”

That was the straw that broke the camel’s back for both Night Light and Twilight Velvet. Night Light picked himself up off the floor as a man with no pride to speak of, and when he finally broke eye contact with Twilight to look at his wife, she refused to meet his gaze.

“... Honey?” He simpered.

Velvet shook her head and strode out of the Dining Hall quickly with Night Light lingering for just a few more moments before chasing after her. When he was out of sight Twilight let out a soft sob and I took her into my arms. I could feel Twilight’s devastation, her anguish, and a piece of me that had to be the slightest sliver smaller than the ruling majority was telling me to go and make Night Light regret everything he’d said and done in the past ten minutes. I did my best to let go of my infuriation in lieu of tracking his arse down and handing him his bollocks on a platter made of raw diamonds.

Cadance laid a tender hand on Twilight’s shoulder, pulling her away from me and gesturing for the ladies to come over while Shining took me aside. Blue, Onyx, Trixie, Noir, Luna, Applejack, and Adstus, (save for Starshine) came over to hear what went down. I explained the situation to them over a brief span.

Noir was seemingly passive, but I could tell that she was pissed. “I killed my father, if it’s any consolation.” And there’s the violence.

Luna huffed. “Such a man would not have been allowed his position if Celestia and I had foreseen his assaulting of two members of the Royal Family.”

“It’s not like you can see the future, so don’t think like that.” I sighed, looking over to the group surrounding Twilight. “I just fucking had to talk things out with Night Light…”

Shining snorted. “He’s a piece of work these days, Max. You saw what he did to Twilight.”

“Which wouldn’t have happened if I’d kept my damn mouth shut.” I rubbed the back of my head.

Crimson lightly punched my shoulder. “If you’re worried about Twilight, don’t be. I don’t know her as well as you do, but she’s a tough mare when she needs to be. She’ll pull through.”

Iron shook her head. “That’s not the point. Max made a judgement call and it blew up in his face.”

“And rubbing salt in the wound is going to help?” Swift shot back.

She had the good grace to look ashamed when she realized she’d literally said that this was all my fault. “I- Er, I’m sorry, I-I didn’t think before I spoke.”

I waved it off. “You voiced your opinion. There’s no point in getting riled up over a statement that doesn’t involve violence or subterfuge in any way shape or form.”

Crimson let out a breath slowly. “I half expected you to blow up.”

“Nah.” Was my grandiloquent response.

Swift took a deep breath, his eyes closed. “If we’re voicing opinions, then mine is that you should be allowed a duel with Night Light to see who’s in the right. The guy only seems to understand violence, so why not let a guy who could take him down three times without really hurting him do just that and call it a new-fashioned duel where no one has to get stabbed?”

There was silence.

“Whew.” I made that sound. “You. Mate. You’ve never met Twilight. She has her heart dead set on me keeping my promise. She’s all in. If I pull some shit like this twice, it’ll be one of the top ten, guaran-fucking-teed, worst moments of her life, and she’s not going to forget it.” I stared Swift in the eyes, stabbing his soul with my scrutiny. “We’re immortal, mate. We’re going to be here for thousands of years, and even if Twilight lost half of her capacity to remember shit, she’d still never forget that moment. That’s going to be something she might not forgive me for until you’re long gone. Anything involving a fight of any kind is so far off the table, it’s been picked up for trash and taken to a landfill with trash Alligators that seek painful, stupid decisions.”

Swift held his hands up and stepped back. “Why me but not her?”

“Because your opinion was obviously formed without taking half of me into consideration.” I replied stiffly.

We fell silent for a few minutes, but I had a telepathic conversation with Noir while the rest of them were thinking. ‘Blackberry, we both know Twilight like the backs of our hands, right?’

Noir subtly nodded from her position across from me. ‘You know her better than I, but it never hurts to have another mind on the task.’

‘Right. So the problem is that I need to make up with Twilight’s Dad.’ I ran through some scenarios, but they all ended with him either scorning me entirely or him alone and hopeless.

Twilight was the ruling factor in the decision that Noir and I made, just as she is in many of others. What we decided upon is not to be discussed, and I’m not even going to threaten you for reading this bit. If you’ve gotten this far, you’re fucked. If you’ve been paying attention, or rather, if you can see a quadruple-enchanted invisible speck, my Seal is on the corner of every one of these pages. They weren’t printed there, friend. They’ve been sucking away at your soul, forcing you to feel my emotions as you read, taking you along for a real ride, but you know what’s at the end of this book? Your happiness. I’ve realized that the worst thing you can do to someone is take away their happiness, and so here we are! When this book ends, there will only be despair for the rest of your pathetic life.

Since you’re already this far gone, why not keep going? If you’re this interested in my ramblings, why not finish what you started? Running isn’t going to do anything: I’ve made sure of that. Seeking Celestia’s help, or even one of the god’s, will not save you. If you quit now, you’re just going to suffer for longer, but if you hold on and get to the end, at least you’ll still get some kicks out of it, yeah?

If, by the odd chance that I’m long gone and my Magic fades, or this ends up somewhere Magic doesn’t work, then thanks for violating my most private thoughts. At least I won’t know about you passing judgement on me. Who knows? I’ve been across the universe, been between the dimensions, seen a world where the laws of nature are shattered. It’s entirely possible. If this ends up in a world with the internet, please don’t put this on some shitty website for nerds. Just… Like…

Keep it to yourself, mate. Man to man, possibly woman to woman if that’s what we’re dealing with: keep this between you and me. I’ve written some real steamy shit in here about people I love, so don’t you go and be that faggot, yeah?
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

My name is Shon, and I’m the author behind A Thief’s Tale: Road To Redemption. Sadly, the story ends here. I just don’t have time to write these days, and it kills me to leave this fully unresolved, but I’ve got ten minutes left before I have to go to work, so I’m going to spit it out quickly:

This is it. This is the end of A Thief’s Tale. It’s been a wild ride, guys, and I’m sorry to leave you like this, but it is what it is. Nothing I can do with the amount of time I have would be worthy of reading, and I’ve just… I’ve lost the love for it. It’s been hard getting these last few chapters out on time. I ran through my backlog a couple of days after my birthday in August and I’ve been grinding out chapters like never before.

I suppose I just pushed myself too hard and burned out. Over two years and a million words… What a fucking show it was.

As Always, Stay Cool, Kids.

Author's Notes:

What else is there to say? It's been coming for some time now, but I can't really say that I'm giving up on the story here. I might go for another hiatus to see where my interests lie, but...

I'm going to miss Max and Twilight, y'know? These characters,. these people, come from my mind. I've built them myself and seen their triumphs and their failures, and I can't help but grow attached. Maybe I'll have time in the near future and I can pump out one last chapter to go wrap everything up. It'll probably be a doozy.

As Always, I'm Sorry

Stay Cool, Kids