The first month of the year came and passed, leaving behind Hearth’s Warming Day and New Years in favor of Hearts and Hooves Day. The name sounded ridiculous to me, but without someone with a catchy name like Saint Valentine, I suppose there aren’t many people willing to get creative. I may not have liked the holiday very much as a general rule, but now that I had three separate women to take care of during it, I was significantly less fond. All I saw in Hearts and Hooves Day was trouble, and it wasn’t my usual variety, so I wanted to steer way clear of it, but Twilight and Fluttershy have been single for every previous Hearts and Hooves Day since they’re been alive, apparently. If I told them that I didn't want to celebrate the damned holiday because I don’t like feeling pressured to show that I love someone, I was willing to bet that it would ruin the day for them, and that just wasn’t the plan.

Instead of formulating a plot on my own, I teamed up with just about every overage male that I could borrow and ear from. Luckily, Onyx, Macintosh, and Fancy told me that Hearts and Hooves Day was mostly a holiday for mares, and they tended to be the only ones who participated in any form of gift giving. I thought that it was a little much for them to just wait and receive gifts like some layabout, but I knew the work ethic of each man personally, so it’s not like I thought they were lazy. I may not like Valentine’s Day or Hearts and Hooves Day, but I do like making my loved ones smile, and I had a couple different plans for doing that.

A few days before the holiday, I talked to Twilight about scheduling the day out so that I can spend an equal amount of time with everyone. Twilight told me that the girls had just assumed that I would pick whoever I wanted to spend the day with more, and that they would go from there, whether or not they were chosen. I thought that it was mature of them to think like that, but I knew that, in any case, it would hurt the two that I didn’t choose more than I was willing to, so Twilight and I worked out a pretty good rotation. I would rise with Fluttershy and have a date with her. Then, I would accompany Rarity for a handful of hours and go have lunch with her. Once Dinner rolled around, Twilight would bring up the rear and I would spend a few more hours with her. All in all, I was going to have a busy day, and I was sure that I would have something to look forward to by the end of it, if Fluttershy’s track record held firm.

I asked Twilight to go tell Rarity her hours so I could cover Fluttershy, but then Spike came into the room and asked why we didn’t just use his own fire breath to send the girls notes instead of spending so much time walking around. I gave him his due for pointing out something that should have been obvious and Twilight and I wrote a note to each girl. I found it a little strange that Twilight tended to be my liaison for the girls if I ever wanted needed something, but then I thought about Twilight’s pure administrative prowess and I got a lot less surprised. The girl could probably organize the Middle East based on culture, ethnicity, and features and get away with doing so because she was just so loveable most of the time. Twilight’s geeky enthusiasm for tasks that are considered too boring for living hands always made me chuckle a little, if anything than just for the simple fact that she was dealing with it and not me.

I chilled out with Twilight for a little while after we’d sent notes to Rarity and Fluttershy, though all we did was sit and read while cuddling like usual. I’d liked reading well enough in England, but there was just something better about it in Equestria. It most certainly had nothing to do with the subject matter or the typical Equestrian style of writing, both of which bored me to tears most of the time. I believe the thing I enjoyed most was peeking into Twilight’s own little private world from time to time. Usually, when she would sit down and read a book for hours instead of minutes because she actually wanted to enjoy it, Twilight was down for some mild contact, but with Hearts and Hooves Day coming up, she was a little bit more friendly than usual. Instead of the meager contact we usually had, Twilight and I were sitting on her floor back to back, reading like some fucking nerds or something. It was a pleasant way to spend an afternoon.

Eventually my ass got tired of the hardwood floor, so we turned our floor party into a couch party. My favorite wizard ended up laying on me so she could continue reading in comfort, though I think she just wanted more physical contact. It wasn’t like Twilight to get into someone’s personal space, but I thought that she might be easing up around me just a little more. I watched Twilight read for a few minutes because I like looking at her sometimes, despite having my own book to read. I don’t know why I like looking at her, I just do. Twilight may not have had the same ‘Holy Shit’ level of beauty that Rarity and Fleur possessed, but she was still quite visually appealing in her own way, mixing pretty, cute, and beautiful all into one modest little lady.

I could go on about Rarity and Fluttershy as well, however, like your average parent, I had a clear favourite. I tended to spend more time with Twilight than Rarity or Fluttershy, though I still tried to spread my time evenly. I think a part of the reason I liked being with Twilight so much was because we hadn’t had sex. It was a little rare that I found someone appealing that I didn’t want to have sex with, and Twilight was pretty much the only one that had happened with, so she was special to me. She never asked for much more than the occasional session with the toy I’d given her, but beyond that, we didn’t spend much time with bodily intimacy at all. Hell, I’m pretty sure that I still haven’t seen Twilight completely naked yet, but it’s not like I’m complaining about it.

As I sat with Twilight, my mind continued to wander until I shut that shit down. It wouldn’t do me any favors to ruminate on the relationship I had with Twilight unless I shared my observations with her, but how exactly does one go about telling one of their three girlfriends that she’s the favourite? It gets a little more convoluted when those girls have been friends longer than they’ve known you, so I believe that my hesitance to say something that might start some serious bullshit was well warranted.

After spending the afternoon with Twilight, I went to go see Rarity since she was closer so I could spend some time her her too, but unfortunately, she had gotten a lot of business leading up to Hearts and Hooves Day and she was working her arse off to meet deadlines. After a quick kiss and a hug, I left her to her own devices and went to go see Fluttershy for awhile, though that ended how it usually tends to. Fluttershy probably liked sex more than I did, seeing as how she withstood both my and Applejack’s voracious sexual appetites on nearly a daily basis. When I’d first met her, I’d expected Fluttershy to be shy about sex, and during her first time, she was. After that, however, she grew to become a serious threat to my stamina and would happily go for hours if there was nothing else to do. Seeing as how Fluttershy was easily one of the most well endowed women I’d ever seen, I wasn’t exactly bitching about getting to lay that pretty much whenever I pleased, and I was proud to call her mine, though it was for more than just her body. Fluttershy had a strange and beautiful mind at times too, and I often said random things to her just to see what she’d say. I’d once told her that I’d let her lick my bum if I could do hers, and she was ready to do it in a heartbeat. I never did tell her how weird I thought that was, though the sex that night was…interesting.

Once Fluttershy and I finished acting like some of her animals, I said my goodbyes to her before trudging through the darkness of winter to get home. A part of the reason I’d stopped going to Fluttershy’s as often as I used to was because I missed Lupa something fierce, and being at Fluttershy’s just reminded me that my companion was off doing something incredibly dangerous for my sake. I felt terrible, but I couldn’t really talk to anyone about what Lupa was doing, so I was relegated to speaking about how it made me feel and why it made me feel so bad. Despite how our relationship might seem, Lupa and I are actually quite close. We call each other names, deride one another, insult, jab, jibe, and generally threaten each other with various forms of long and painful deaths, but that was just how we were. Our morbid senses of humor and general apathy towards being nice were complimentary. Fluttershy told us that we were like two dead peas in a dried up pod, and I couldn’t help but agree with her. When Lupa was miserable, I was miserable. When I wasn’t happy, she pretended not to care so I would just get mad instead of sad. It sounds stupid and unhealthy, but it worked for us, so you can suck it. Or lick it. Maybe just touch it a little? A quick handy is all I’m asking here.

Speedy sexual favors notwithstanding, the days leading up to Hearts and Hooves day were filled with preparations. Fluttershy would come over to my house and I would make her breakfast, though I didn’t tell her that I was going to be doing so. I’d gotten all of the women in my life some boxes of chocolates that I’d ordered from Canterlot, and I got Briar Rose, my friend and gardener, to make a few bouquets of her special crossbred flower so I could give them to Fluttershy, Rarity, and Twilight. I thought that it only made sense for me to give my women a little something extra since they put up with me more more often than just about anyone else, which is why I was going through so much trouble to make our first Hearts and Hooves day together special. Not too special, mind you, because I still have about sixty years of these damned holidays left and I need to save SOME ideas, but still, I was trying to do something nice.
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Hearts and Hooves Day came by and smacked me in the face. I woke up around five in the morning so I could be dressed and ready for Fluttershy when she came over so we wouldn’t lose any time. I’d given myself two hours, which I knew was plenty of time as long as I didn’t fuck off doing any one particular thing for too long. I ended up doing just that in the shower because the water felt too good to get out of, so I was a little pressed for time when I started getting breakfast together.

Thankfully, Fluttershy was a little late to the party anyway since She’d showered and changed after feeding her animals, so I’d had plenty of time to prepare. When she arrived, I took her coat from her and said, “Happy Hearts and Hooves Day, poppet.”

Fluttershy beamed and gave me a peck on the cheek. “Thank you honey, happy Hearts and Hooves day to you too. Are you ready for your present?”

“Ah, no, not quite yet. I thought we could have breakfast first.” I said with a smile.

“...If you wanted me to make breakfast, you could have come to my house.” Fluttershy said, a little irritated.

I gave her a look. “Who said you were making breakfast?”

Fluttershy blinked at me. “It’s Hearts and Hooves Day.”

“I know that. I told you to have a happy one, like, not even two minutes ago.” I remarked.

“...Max, why are you making your mare breakfast on Hearts and Hooves Day? Shouldn’t it be the other way around?”

“I’m making you breakfast because that’s how things were done back in England. I know it’s more of a male oriented thing here, but the exact opposite was true back home, and it just doesn’t feel right for me to just receive instead of giving. I mean, if you want to give me sex and chocolate, I’m perfectly okay with that, but I still want to do something nice for you.”

Fluttershy’s eyes had started to glisten and she trapped me in a wonderful hug a second later. “Oh Max! You really do care!”

I hugged her back. “I’m actually kind of insulted by that, but it’s whatever. Let me get to whipping up breakfast.”

Luckily, all of my shit was ready to go, though Fluttershy tried to insist on helping me with breakfast. I told her that I was going to shove a spatula somewhere unpleasant if she continued with her shenanigans, so she she put her hands behind her back and wandered around my kitchen with me as I worked. I’d had the town blacksmith make me some cookie cutters in various shapes and sizes, so I made heart shaped pancakes, fried eggs, and I’d even put together a little salad full of things I knew Fluttershy liked. I’d kept all the different herbs and flowers separated, just how she liked them. The only real difficult part about making breakfast was spelling ‘I love you’ backwards onto a pancake with blueberries, but the main problem I had was trying to get Fluttershy to wait patiently. I caught her preparing to wash the dishes I was dirtying, trying to set the table, and watching my food on the stove while I was off doing something else. I told her that she was allowed to set the table, but that anything that was an actual chore was off limits. She was more upset about that than I would have been, though that isn’t really saying much. I tried to explain to Fluttershy that having her do any functional part of my plans for her would defeat the purpose of me doing them in the first place, but she was determined to make me happy. I told her that letting me make her happy would make me happy, so she eventually quit her shit and had a seat at my kitchen table.

Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that she’d only sat down because everything cooked and ready to eat until after the fact. I was mildly annoyed that Fluttershy had gone out of her way to help me when I’d asked her to standby, but it’s not like I could really stay mad over a truly thoughtful gesture, it just hadn’t been what I’d wanted at the moment.

Any hint of annoyance disappeared when I saw Fluttershy’s face after setting her breakfast down in front of her. The sincere smile on her face just made me even happier that I’d chosen to spend my morning with her. I got my own shit on the table and we started eating, though Fluttershy had wanted to take a commemorative photo. I took one of us and of the food, despite how much I hated doing so. Seriously, eat the fucking food. Why photograph it? In Fluttershy’s case, I understood because it was her first real Hearts and Hooves Day, so I was willing to be a bit more lenient with her than most.

Of course we ended up having sex because that’s just how we do. I broke out a few toys for Fluttershy and she gave me a cock ring as my present. I thought that was super fucked up since I had plenty of stamina, but I still used it because it couldn’t hurt. It was actually a bit small for me, so it did end up hurting a little, but I was pretty sure that was the point of the damned thing in the first place, so I held my tongue.

After a much needed shower and some ensuing shower sex because Fluttershy is a nymphomaniac, our time together was over. Before she left, I gave her the box of chocolates I’d gotten for her, and her bouquet of Briar Roses. I think the flowers made her more excited than the sex, but I tried not to let the pain show. I had to be strong in the face of adversity. Of course I knew that the real way to a woman’s heart was through her stomach, just as it was for men, so I wasn’t actually offended. I pretended to be for a minute or two, but I let Fluttershy know that I was just screwing with her. I got hit for that, but it was worth it.

The next person I had to see was one of the only two girls in our group who’d ever had a date for Hearts and Hooves Day, though she had been fond of bitching about how dreadful the stallion she’d been dating at the time was in the past few days. I figured I could top that easily with some lunch at Rarity’s favorite restaurant, some snooty place who’s name I don’t like trying to spell. I could have written it down, but that would have been extra work for me, so fuck that noise. In fact, that restaurant will referred to as ‘Le Smelle’ from here onward.

I walked to Rarity’s and made excellent time while doing so. I’d changed out of my casual attire into my Baron wear because I knew Rarity liked to see the gentleman side of me, and I’d even had Onyx teach me how to tie a tie in the fanciest of ways. Well, the fanciest way he knew how. It was a little something called the ‘Canterlot Cross Knot’, and it was like, the second thing Rarity noticed about me. She was ecstatic to see that I was giving into some of the more subtle nuances of aristocratic society, so I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I actually didn’t give a fourth of a shit about tying a goddamn tie.

Rarity had plenty of time to get ready, so she only needed ten extra minutes before we could go. As we were walking through the door, she asked. “You know, I never knew you were fond of Le Smelle, Max. I figured that it was a little too… Noble, shall we say, for you.” Ouch. Thanks babe.

“I don’t care for the place at all bonny. We’re going because it’s your favorite restaurant.” I replied casually. “If I didn’t go there ahead of time and ask for a favor, they wouldn’t have anything for me to eat anyway. Being the Baron is awesome sometimes.”

Rarity stopped in her tracks and folded her arms. “Max, today is supposed to be about you, not me.”

“Look Rarity, today you’re either going to be treated like a queen, or you’re going to be treated like a princess. Pick one.”

“I pick ‘or’. I’m not going to budge on this, Max.” Rarity said.

I gave her a look and shrugged. If she wasn’t going to budge, then I had a way to handle that. I rushed Rarity and swept her off of her feet, carrying her like a knight would a damsel. Or like some dude with upper body strength and a chubby kid. Take your pick. As it was, I had to use telekinesis to help me get her to Le Smelle which meant that we were travelling slowly. Rarity glared at me while she was in my arms, but she didn’t struggle around just in case I dropped her.

“See, isn’t this nice?” I asked pleasantly.

“I’m slapping you when you put me down.” She stated. No good deed goes unpunished.

“That’s not very nice.” I commented.

“Well, you- I mean, well…” Rarity stammered. She was kind of stuck since I was actually going out of my way to be nice.

“I’ll tell you what, bonny. Today we’ll eat at Le Smelle, and tomorrow we can have another meal somewhere else. Wherever you want.”

“The place I would usually pick is Le Smelle.” She protested. “Why won’t you just let me do something nice for you?”

“Because you do plenty of nice things for me. Ninety percent of my wardrobe was made by you, you give me enough affection even if you’re busy, and you always make time for me if I need you to.” I replied.

“You say that like you don’t do nice things for me! You come and visit me when I’m busy just to give me a hug and a kiss, give me a male’s insight on fashion when needed, and you’re always cooking for me the morning after!”

I thought about that for a moment and shrugged. Rarity held onto me for dear life when I did, so I made a mental note not to do it again. “I guess it goes both ways. Isn’t the man supposed to be in charge of the relationship?”

Rarity scoffed. “Whoever told you that is trying to get you hurt.”

“Duly noted. So why are we arguing again?” I asked. I remembered what it was about, but I just wanted to fuck with her since she was annoying me.

Rarity sighed. “We were talking about who pampers who on Hearts and Hooves Day.”

“Oh yeah. I don’t like being pampered, bonny.” I said simply. “I’d rather be the giver than the receiver.”

“What is your issue with being treated well, anyways? I still remember that trip to the spa and what happened afterwards.”

“It’s just something that’s never been done to me. I’ve lived a rough life so far, Rares, and it’s kind of been beaten into me that I don’t deserve nice things. I know that’s not true,” I lied, “but it’s just how I am. It’s how I’ve been for as long as I can remember.”

“Well, why don’t you start changing that now by putting me down so we can go to your favorite restaurant?” Rarity bargained.

“Not happening. Trust me when I say that making you happy makes me far happier than being put on a pedestal.”

“From the way you tell it, it’s not even a contest.” Rarity said.

“It’s really not. We can try having you pamper me or whatever next year, but for now, I just want to have lunch with my lovely lady.”

She sighed once more and patted my chest. “Okay, Max. You win. We’ll have lunch at Le Smelle.”

I gently put her down and gave her a brilliant smile. “See? It’s nicer when you just agree with me, isn’t it?”

Rarity picked me up with her magic and levitated me into her arms. “It’s even nicer when I turn the tables on you. What do you want for lunch?”

I wrapped my psychic tentacle around her as she spoke and lifted her off the ground. I felt Rarity’s magic waver, but it didn’t break, though the splitting headache that ensued made us drop each other. Luckily neither of us were very far off of the ground, but it’s not like falling from ten feet would have made much of a difference. The pain in my head was straight hell for about thirty seconds until it faded just as quickly as it came. I sat up from my prone position and helped Rarity to her feet.

“How about we don’t do that again?.” I said wearily.

“How about we just go get lunch? My treat.” Rarity offered.

“I’ll let you cover the tip and that’s it.” I responded.

“Fine, I’ll take what I can get. I suppose I really have no reason to be upset, seeing as how you’re just trying to be nice.” It’s about fucking time you realized that.

I didn't really have anything to say to that, so I reminded Rarity that she could clean our clothes in an instant with magic. Unfortunately, Rarity was only adept with controlling her limited amount of magic so that she could make it go further, so after she magicked me clean, she didn’t quite have enough juice for herself. I would have been more upset with her for that, but she told me that lifting me had been her idea, so she would have to suffer the consequences. I let her know that I minded being dirty far less than she did and she just shrugged me off. I ended up dragging her over to Twilight’s so the purple mage could fix her outfit. Rarity asked if I was embarrassed to be seen with a dirty mare and I reminded her that we had just walked through town, arguing most of the way. If that didn’t embarrass me, then little else would.

Rarity and I got to Le Smelle with plenty of time to spare. I had budgeted for twenty extra minutes on my reservation, just in case, so we only got there a few minutes late. Rarity tried to chide me thinking that she would take longer to get ready, but I reminded her that they only hold reservations for so long, and our detour had taken a bit of time. She quit bitching after that, and we had a nice lunch. Rarity eventually started to have a good time despite the waitress blatantly hitting on me whenever she came by. I ignored the fuck out of her because she was annoying.

“You know, you even look lovely while covered in dirt. How do you pull off accidental Earth tones?” I asked.

Rarity waved my comment to the side. “Oh, you don’t really mean that.”

“If I didn’t I wouldn’t have said it. You should know me well enough by now, bonny.” I scolded gently.

Rarity blushed and picked at her food. “I know, it’s just that you don’t compliment me very often.” Which was a bold faced lie. I made sure to compliment my girls at least once whenever I saw them, depending on what I felt like at that moment.

“Then why don’t we make up for it today? Have I ever mentioned how much I love your eyes? I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned it, but they happen to be my second favorite color.”

Rarity raised a brow. “Only your second?”

“Well, it’s technically my first, but they’re not my favorite shade.”

“At least you’re honest with me, even if your compliments need a little work.” She smiled

“I won’t say anything to you that isn’t true, especially when it comes to your looks.” I gave her a crooked smile.

“Oh? What do you have to say about my looks?” Rarity asked.

Unfortunately, the person sized gnat picked the perfect time to interrupt us. “Hello there, handsome. Is there anything I can get for you?” Can you go away?

“No, thank you,” I said, forcing some politeness, “but my date could use a refill on her wine.”

The waitress barely glanced at Rarity’s glass. “I’ll take care of it, you just sit there and,” She gave me a sultry smile, “wait for me, will you?”

I nodded because I didn't trust myself to speak, and she was off. I didn’t miss the pointed glare she’d tossed Rarity’s way. With her gone, I turned back to Rarity and said, “The fucking nerve of that cunt.”

Her eyes shot open and she looked around quickly. “Max! Such language is not proper for a place like this!” She whispered fiercely.

“I wouldn’t have said it if she would leave me the fuck alone.” I murmured to her. “How are you not upset?”

Rarity blinked at me. “What do you mean?”

I looked at her. “Have you not heard her flirting with me the entire time we’ve been here?”

“What?” She asked. Yes, thank you for noticing that someone was trying to steal your man.

I was a little salty, but I kept my tone in check. “Yeah, have you not noticed that she’s been calling me handsome and only addresses me whenever she comes by?”

“I have not.” Rarity set her jaw. “I wish you would have said something earlier.”

I shook my head. “I thought it was obvious. If she keeps it up, I’m saying something.”

Rarity reached over and placed her hand over mine. “No.”

I looked at her funny. “Why not?”

“Because I'm going to say something.” Rarity’s smile didn’t quite reach her eyes, and they were looking at something behind me.

The waitress returned and absently poured Rarity’s drink. “Hello again!” She gave me a smile.

I pursed my lips and raised my brows. Rarity cleared her throat, trying to get the bitch’s attention. She only had eyes for me, however, so I said. “I believe my date is trying to get your attention, twat.” I said with a brilliant smile.

“Oh, I’ve never heard that word before. What does it mean?” Is this bitch retarded?

“It doesn’t have a direct translation in this language.” I lied.

“Excuse me.” Rarity said calmly. Her tone made me shut up.

The waitress rolled her eyes before turning to Rarity. “May I help you?” She asked flatly.

“Why yes, yes you could. If you could arrange for another waiter to be sent over, that would be lovely.”

The waitress blinked. “Why?”

“Do you even realize that this is the first time you’ve actually looked at me?” The waitress opened her mouth and Rarity cut her off. “No, of course you don’t because you’ve been too busy trying to flirt with my stallion. If you were paying attention, which you’re obviously not, then you might have noticed that he’s not interested. I mean, why would the Baron of the town you live in want anything to have to do with you? You’re just some poor waitress with a disfigured face and no status, so why don’t you go get me that waiter and take five to clean yourself up once you're done, okay darling? Run along now.” Rarity finished with a sub zero smile.

The waitress stood there with her jaw on the floor for a moment before she covered her mouth and ran off crying. Rarity and I exchanged smiles and we got back to our lunch. The new waiter a nervous younger fellow, but he did his job well and I told him as much. Rarity gave him a few compliments on his service and on his hair, which made the guy perk up like she’d just asked to give him a slinger.

On our walk back to Rarity’s place, I couldn’t help but chuckle at the memory of Rarity’s brutality. Rarity passed me a few odd looks, but didn’t ask twice because I’d cracked up the first time. The walk back was pleasant enough, though the sunny day was quickly turning dark. Rainbow had warned us about the incoming weather, which is why I’d saved Twilight for last. If I didn’t decide to stay the night, then she could teleport me back home, skipping the worst of the storm.

When Rarity and I got back to our shop, she asked, “So what have you been laughing at all this time?”

I cracked up again, but tried my best to shut myself up. “They way you tore that waitress apart was so great. I was just going to cuss her out, maybe threaten her a little bit, but you, my love, have probably inflicted greater emotional trauma to her than I would have. Good Lord, do I ever love your mean streak when it’s not being used against me.”

Rarity couldn’t help but smile a little. “You really shouldn’t be applauding me for scarring that poor mare.”

“I can and I will.” I gave her my most brilliant smile. “I never knew it felt so nice to have someone be that protective of me.” I mean, Maxwell and I looked out for each other, but we rarely fought each other’s battles unless we were specifically asked for help. Other than Maxwell, my father had been the only one to look after, and he’d had his hands tied by his love for my psychotic mother.

Rarity clutched her hands to her chest. “Max, you know I’ll always be there for you, even if we have a disagreement. Handling some little mare who has boundary issues is nothing big, it’s just what I’m supposed to do.”

I gave her a hug because I was feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. “Alright, for today, you’re my favourite Pony.”

“Don’t you mean ‘person’?” She asked.

“No, Roxy is my favourite person. You’re my favourite Pony.” I clarified.

Rarity blinked at me. “Isn’t that a little narcissistic?”

“Do you remember when I gave you those photos?” I inquired.

She blushed and held back a smile. “I do. What of them?”

“I had a look at them before I sent them to you. I had a nice long look.” I hinted.

Rarity furrowed her brow, but after a few seconds, understanding dawned on her face. “You… Touched yourself… While looking at yourself?” She asked slowly

I gave her a shit eating grin. “When you say it like that, it makes me sound vain.”

Rarity’s face scrunched up and she started trembling right before she burst out into the most horrendous laughter I’d ever heard. There were snorts involved and plenty of wheezing, both of which made me laugh because the dichotomy between Rarity’s personality and her real, honest laughter was a little jarring. Of course, there wasn’t a chance in hell that I would tell her anything other than that I liked it, which wasn’t necessarily a lie. Rarity often came off as slightly aloof to me, though I knew that it was because she prefers to carry herself as a proper lady all the time. It was nice to hear her let loose for once and really give it her all.

Rarity was blushing up a storm when she’d finally stopped laughing. She said, “Oh, dear Celestia, you weren’t supposed to hear that!”

I wrapped her up in another hug and slowly rocked side to side. “I’m so glad that I did. I’ve never heard you lose control like that.”

Rarity chuckled nervously. “Yes, I’m sure that it was quite amusing…”

“I wouldn’t say it was amusing, but I will say that it’s absolutely adorable. I like your laugh, bonny.” I let her go and stepped back.

She ran a hand through her hair and laughed anxiously. “I really try not to let too many ponies hear that. It’s not the most flattering thing I do.”

I reached out and took her hands. “If it makes you uncomfortable, then we don’t have to talk about it. I just want you to know that you don’t have to bother being a proper lady around me.” Rarity looked like she was about to say something, so I continued. “I know you want to be one, but you don’t have to be.”

“Thank you, Max, but I think I’ll continue being ‘proper’ as you put it.” Rarity gave me a wistful little smile.

“That’s perfectly fine, but that does mean that I’m going to treat you like a lady the next time we spend some quality time together.”

Rarity tilted her head. “What do you mean by that?”

“It means that I’ll be gentle and extra slow. Wouldn’t want to mess your hair up, now would we?”

Rarity looked at me like I’d lost my mind. “I’m rather certain I don’t know what you’re getting at. I know what you’re talking about, but I’m not sure I get it.”

I shook my head. “There aren’t many ways to explain it. I’ll just show you when I get an opportunity.”

Rarity raised a brow. “It is Hearts and Hooves day, you know.”

“I’ve noticed. That’s why we went to lunch, bonny.” I said patronizingly.

Rarity gave me a womanly look.. “Your chances of getting a ‘present’ are growing slimmer by the second.”

“Have I ever mentioned how adorable it is when you scrunch your nose up like that?” I asked. “It let’s me know it’s time to shut up and it’s just cute.” I booped her.

“Getting close to nil, darling.”

“And that time has passed. Shutting up now.”

Rarity rolled her eyes and grabbed my tie, leading me to bed, bath, and beyond. Luckily her sister didn’t come home while we were in the back of her shop. Or while we were in the kitchen. Or the living room. Or the middle of the shop. Rarity was a naughty little minx, though it’s not like I was in any position to say anything. The living room and kitchen had both been my idea, and the thrill of being with Rarity in broad daylight when anyone could walk in was intoxicating. We’d found something we both enjoyed immensely, and would most likely engage in it some other time, most definitely in a more public place.

Rarity let me borrow her shower so I wouldn’t smell like nothing but her when I went to go see Twilight. She did not join me in that shower, much to my chagrin, though our time in the bath had been interesting enough as it was. After I made sure I was presentable, Rarity double checked and told me that I was, in fact, ready for my next date, so I was allowed to leave.

The sky was pitch black by the time I left Rarity’s place, snow falling to the ground in thick clumps. This was supposed to be the final, worst storm of winter, and there wasn’t a chance in Hell that I was going to stay out in longer than I absolutely had to, so I picked up my pace to a light jog so that I could get inside before the winds started howling. There wasn’t a single soul on the streets, and I was willing to bet that any sane person was already spending the night with their loved ones, despite it being relatively early. I wished that I was doing the same at the moment.

Sad memories surfaced and I tried to brush them away, but they stuck around longer than I wanted them to, which wasn’t really saying much. I wanted nothing more than to be in Twilight’s house, away from my own mind, entranced by trying to understand her’s just a little bit more, but I had to get there first.

Fortunately, having to cross town wasn’t as harrowing as it could have been since Ponyville was pretty small, so I made it to Twilight’s in fantastic time. She’d told me to just let myself in, so I did. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, so I wandered inside and looked around. No one was in the kitchen or the library, so I headed upstairs and no one was there either. There weren’t many places to look, so I went down to the basement and saw Twilight fiddling about with some various chemicals. I figured that it would suck pretty hard if my sudden entrance made Twilight blow us both up, so I stayed quiet and watched her work until her hands were empty.

I snuck up behind Twilight and picked her up off of her feet. “BOO!”

Twilight squealed and thrashed about until I set her back on her feet. When she had solid footing, Twilight whirled around and smacked my shit like I’d insulted her dead grandmother. I hadn’t been expecting the slap, let alone the power of her backhand, so I rocked back a little. I just gave Twilight a stern look. “Well ow.”

Twilight shoved a gloved finger in my face. “Do you even realize how dangerous that was!? You could have gotten us both killed!” Twilight shouted.

“Geez, sorry for waiting until your hands were empty to surprise you. It’s not like I’ve been waiting for you to finish for the past fifteen fucking minutes. Oh wait, that happened. Let me try again: it’s not like we agreed to meet up twenty minutes ago or anything. Oh wait.” I spat.

Twilight’s scowl had been replaced by a rather blank look. “Oh.”

“Yeah, fucking oh.”

“I-I-I’m sorry, I didn’t know.” Twilight stammered quietly.

“What are you sorry for?”

Twilight found particular interest in the ground. “...I’m sorry for slapping you, Max, I really-”

“Twilight, shut up.” She flinched. ”I’m not mad that you slapped me, I’m mad you think I’m stupid enough to put your life in danger. I mean seriously, you know I’m not dumb, and you know I pay too much attention to what I do for me to not notice that you’re working with dangerous shit.” I shook my head.

“...You said my life, not ours.” Twilight pointed out quietly.

“I put my life in danger every time I do a mission for the Princesses. Just because I’m willing to risk losing my life doesn’t mean that I’m willing to risk yours.” I said irritably.

Twilight shuffled her feet and continued staring at the ground. “...I don’t think you’re dumb.”

I reached out and lifted her chin, though Twilight still didn’t look me in the eyes. “Close enough. Apology accepted.” I leaned in and kissed her nose. “Now, are we going to sit here and let this little wrinkle deter us from having a good night, or are we going to put it behind us because we love each other?”

Her eyes finally found mine. “Well… I didn’t really plan anything for us to do…”

I raised a brow. “That’s a little odd of you, though I can’t say that I’m disappointed.”

“I know! I’m sorry, it’s just that I thought you might like to have a relaxing night in since the weather’s so bad and you’ve been doing things all day with Rarity and Fluttershy so I-”

I shut her up with a kiss because I could barely keep up with what she was saying. Twilight melted in my embrace, so I held her for awhile and extended the kiss for another ten seconds. Then another ten. It went on for awhile, okay? I noticed that Twilight’s breathing started to get a little ragged, which told me that it was a good time to stop before she passed out or something. I considered stepping back to have a look at Twilight’s face, but decided to hold her for a little while longer until she snapped out of it. About fifteen seconds later, Twilight’s head was still on my chest, so I took a half step back, making her head fall forward. Twilight started and cast a few glances at our surroundings.

“Hey, Twilight?” I asked.

“Yes? What is it?” She responded uneasily.

“I said I wasn't disappointed that you didn’t plan anything, just for the record.” I grinned.

“Oh. OH. Did I just ignore what you actually said again?” Twilight asked meekly.

“Yes, yes you did.” I kissed her horn and she blushed. “You’re the most loveable dork I’ve ever met, you know that, right?”

Twilight’s face grew redder. “I think dork means something else to Humans.”

“The colloquial usage or the actual definition? I can give you both.”

She gave me an uneasy look. “... I really hope you weren't calling me the actual definition.”

“See, you might be a dork, but I’m a real dork.” I winked at her and she rolled her eyes.

“I think I get the picture. If you want to head upstairs while I finish neutralizing some of the more dangerous chemicals, you’re welcome to it.” Twilight offered.

“I’d like to stick around, but my cheek still hurts. I’ll see you upstairs.” I turned to head out.

“I apologized for that!” Twilight objected. Oh, I’m gonna fuck with you anyways.

I sniffed sadly. “I can’t believe my so-called ‘special sompony’ would abuse me like that!” I conjured up some crocodile tears. “I never thought the ‘mare’ I love would be so ready to hurt me!”

Twilight crossed her arms and pouted hard. “I’m not falling for it.”

“If the ‘pony’ I love so much is willing to hit me, what about every other ‘pony’? How could I ever trust someone again!?” I let loose a thick sob. I sniffled and wiped my eyes, using the extra time to construct the most believably heartbroken face I could muster. Turning back to face Twilight, I made my chin quiver and kept the tears coming.

She started fidgeting, trying not to look at me. “You have other ponies you love.”

“And they hit me too! It’s like the only things ‘mares’ want me for are sex and abuse, but I don’t know how how much more of this I can take!” I wiped my face again.

Twilight caved hard, rushing to console me. Luckily for me, her version of consoling someone involves putting their head on her chest, so that was nice. “Oh, Max! I never meant to hurt you, honey, it’ll be okay! I promise, nopony is ever going to hurt you again, not on my watch. You just let it out and let Twilight take care of everything, okay?”

I straightened up, cleared my throat and got my face fixed. “Thanks cherry,” I said normally, “nice to know I have a cute bodyguard.”

Twilight blinked at my sudden change in demeanor. “Did you just fake being sad?”

I grinned deviously. “What are you talking about? I was just about to head upstairs.”

“No, you were just crying about being hit by everypony!”

I gave her an odd look and put my hand on her forehead. “Are you sure you’re okay, cherry? I think you’ve been down here with the fumes too long.”

Twilight glared at me. “You’re so not making me think I’m crazy. I might have fallen for the tears, but I know what I just saw. Your eyes are still red!”

“Yeah, so are yours. We just got done smoking, Twilight.” I said, trying to sound honest.

“What? Wait, no, I’m still not that gullible!”

I gave her a worried look. “I never said you were. I think we might need to reschedule our date, I think you’re beginning to hallucinate, love. Why don’t you have a lie down and I’ll make you some cocoa or something?”

“You haven’t called me ‘love’ since you started calling me cherry!” Twilight protested. “You’re the one acting strange!”

I raised my hands, palm forward. “Easy, Twi. No need to get upset. I’m not here to hurt you.”

“Max, will you quit it already!?” Twilight shouted, sounding a little scared.

“Alright, that’s far enough.” I acquiesced. “That was for slapping me.”

“Again, I apologized for that!”

“Apology now accepted.” I gave her a shit eating grin.

Twilight sighed heavily. “I can’t believe you’re that good of an actor. I thought I might actually be going insane or something .”

“Era uoy erus tuoba taht?” I asked.

“What did you just say?” Twilight asked, confused.

I blinked at her. “Didn’t say anything.”

Twilight smacked my arm and I pretended to be hurt. She stopped putting up with my shit, so I went upstairs and made the cocoa that I mentioned. After locating Twilight’s marshmallows, I popped a couple into each cup and took them to the library. Sadly, I wasn’t born with a tongue made out of leather, so I was going to have to wait for my cocoa to cool down before I got to the good stuff. A random thought appeared in my head and I wondered if Peppermint Schnapps existed here in some way shape or form. If anything, it just was something that I wanted Twilight to try since I’d always been a fan of fortified cocoa and wanted to share the experience with her.

The violet, violent Unicorn eventually came upstairs, though it had taken her the better part of an hour. By the time she finally schlepped her arse into the library, the cocoa was cold and I was nose deep in a book about Equestrian moral quandaries. It was fucking hilarious. There were things such as what kind of pastry to give to a new neighbor, whether or not disliking someone else’s kid is a bad thing all the time, and what to do if your multiple lovers all want to spend more time with you. Twilight caught me giggling to something or other, though when she saw what I was reading, she just told me that she thought I was crazy. I reminded her that Human morality is a lot darker and generally more critical than Pony morality, so she let me have that one, not that she could have argued against it.

Thanks to some handy magic, Twilight warmed our cocoa right up and we were able to have ourselves a nice warm drink while looking outside at the storm blowing in. I tried to get Twilight to relax a bit, but the night had just started on the wrong foot, and she was still feeling bad about slapping my shit like I was a redheaded stepchild. I told her to just let it go since I already had, but then she apologized for just being moody in general and I wasn’t having that shit, so I tickle tortured her until she was a quivering mess. After that, Twilight pouted for a little bit, but came to realize that I was just trying to put a smile on her face. She was more touchy feely with me while we were reading, so I considered that a victory.

When I picked up the book on Pony morality again for a good time, Twilight said, “Max, can I ask you a question?”

I raised a brow at her. “Other than that one?”

She gave me a womanly look, so I shut up. “Yes, other than that one.”

I saved my page and gestured for her to continue. When she didn’t, I asked, “So what’s your question?”

“...Why don’t you want to have s-s-”

“Sex? Why don’t I want to have sex with you?” I interpreted.

She blushed and nodded. “Yeah, that’s not true. I want to have sex with you, I’m just willing to wait until you’re ready. Are you sure we haven’t had this conversation?” I asked.

“Well, you said you were willing to take things at my pace, so yes, in a way.” She replied.

I spread my hands and shrugged. “And at your pace we will continue.”

“...What if I think I’m ready now?” Twilight asked nervously.

“You’re not.” I replied simply.

Twilight looked at me funny. “I’m not?”

I looked her up and down. “You’re shaking like a leaf, and you sound like you really don’t want to. You’re shoulders are practically level with your ears and you’ve been wringing your hands constantly since we started talking.”

She started trying to fix the things that I was pointing out as I said them, but I could still read Twilight like an open book, and some half assed acting wasn’t going to change that. “Besides sounding like I don’t want to, I don’t see what the rest has to do with anything.”

“I’ve told you about body language before and how it’s one of the most honest forms of communication. It’s really hard for someone to lie to me outright, Twilight.” I informed.

Twilight bit her lip. “...I just want to be with you like Rarity and Fluttershy are.”

I gave her a crooked smile and scoffed. “Cherry, you aren’t Fluttershy or Rarity. What I have with them and what I have with you are different things entirely, and you shouldn’t feel pressured to do something you don’t want to just to keep pace with your friends. I’m sure they’ll tell you the same thing if you say something to them.”

“I talked to them about it first, actually. Fluttershy told me that I should wait until you ask and Rarity said that I should wait until I’m ready…”

“I’m hoping that Fluttershy told you to wait until I ask because she knows I won’t make a move until I think you’re ready, and I agree with Rarity anyways.” I shrugged. “Like I said, I have no problem waiting for you. You’re definitely worth it.”

Twilight blushed and beamed simultaneously. “Thank you, but other than… Intercourse, I didn’t really get you a Hearts and Hooves Day present…” She finished with a sad look.

“Which reminds me, I’ve got to give you yours.” I stood and went to go Twilight’s gifts from the kitchen, and when I presented them to her, she broke out in tears.

“I’m such a bad special somepony! I can’t even get Hearts and Hooves Day right, and I’m supposed to be the mare in the relationship! What kind of mare doesn’t do anything for their special somepony on Hearts and Hooves Day!?” She wailed. Just a little melodramatic.

She would have went on, but I really wasn’t trying to hear anymore of her self deprecating nonsense, so I used the flappy things in front of my teeth to stop her flappy things from moving. I might have let myself get a little lost in the kiss because reasons, but the important part is that it calmed Twilight down considerably.

I booped her nose to get her attention. “You know, cherry, I’ve been doing things for my women all day. I cooked Fluttershy breakfast, took Rarity to her favorite restaurant, and I planned on making you dinner, but then I saw your pantry.” She blushed. “All I wanted out of today was to spend some one on one time with my girls, and I got to do that, so don’t feel bad about not planning or getting me anything. Just being able to spend the day with people that love me was a gift all on its own.” I might have been laying it on a bit thick there, but that’s honestly all I’d ever wanted out of my day. I did want to get laid at least once because ‘tis the season, but it wasn’t a requirement for a good day.

Twilight sniffled and hiccupped while I tried to wipe the tears from her face. “I-I don’t know w-why you th-think you’re such a b-bad pony-”

“Hey now, let’s not get into that right this moment.” I admonished gently. “I know I have my good moments, so let’s just enjoy this one, okay?”

“A-Alright.” She gave me a weak smile.

I patted her shoulder and Twilight started nibbling on some of her flowers. I went back to reading since I was getting to a particularly funny debate on the ethics of greeting new races. Ponies were so skittish, that this section was the longest part of the book, and the only races it mentioned were Dogs and Gryphons. The section was basically a warning against interacting with them at all, which I found to be hilarious since it basically told the reader to roll over if a Gryphon or a Dog start something.

The night ran long with Twilight and I spending our time reading, talking over tea, and trying various different ways of cuddling. We settled on one position and stayed like that for a few hours, and once Twilight started yawning more than she talked, I took her to bed. I would have liked to join her, but Twilight said that it wouldn’t be fair to Fluttershy or Rarity if I spent the night with her, so she sent me home with some magic.

Never get teleported by a tired Unicorn. I ended up falling onto my coffee table, though I don’t know exactly how high I was in the air. In any case, I had myself a painful little pratfall that did make me feel like quite the prat, although I blamed Twilight for having poor aim. I collected myself from the floor and rubbed my rear to try and ease some of the pain, but there was no helping it for the time being. The corner of the table had been jammed into one of my cheeks, making it hurt to walk, sit, and lay down on my back, so I ended up spending the night on my stomach, which was more comfortable than I thought it would be. I usually slept on my side or back since sleeping on one’s stomach sounded like a good way to suffocate to me, but trying it was actually rather nice, and my arse didn’t hurt. Everyone important got what they wanted.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I spent much of the next day writing and sitting on my recliner, the softest chair I own. My arse was still aching, and I hadn’t even fallen for Crimson or anything. I wondered how Fluttershy put up with arse pain, but then I remembered that she was a bit of a masochist anyway and loved it when I spanked her. I, on the other hand, am highly allergic to pain, so I was feeling a little grouchy about Twilight’s little blunder. I wrote her a note telling her to kiss my arse since she’d been the one to bruise it in the first place. She politely declined, though she did apologize for dropping me like a sack of potatoes.

The morning mostly consisted of catching up my journals, copying more of them into my enchanted journal, and generally trying to keep myself busy. I considered going into my greenhouse to check things out, but when I went to leave through my back door, I saw that snow was piled about halfway up, and that wasn’t even a drift. It was just a fuckton of snow. I closed my back door and went upstairs to see how much weed I had left and measure it out so that it would stretch over the course of a couple days. Luckily I’d forgotten about a box full of the stuff that I’d never taken out of my travel bags from my most recent trip to Canterlot, so I had plenty to go around.

I wrote notes to all the girls, wishing them luck with the snow. Twilight was the only one Dragon Fire besides me, so I only got a response from her. I asked why she hadn’t bottled any of Spike’s fire for the girls and she told me that it was just because he wasn’t old enough to do it. Once Spike got through the worst of puberty, he would be able to make his fire last without him breathing it, but until then, the only way he was going to be able to send messages was by using his fire directly.

Seeing as how I was used to spending time by myself, I found plenty of things to keep myself busy over the two days it took for the snow to melt enough to walk through, and not all of it was wanking, mind you. I practiced all sorts of trick shots on my billiards table, and eventually got to the point where I could land them most of the time if I was focusing. My jump shot still needed a bit of work and my spin tended to taper out a little early, but they were consistent enough that I could use them as they were. I ended up inviting Twilight over and we battled back and forth, developing our skills further against a worthy opponent. Twilight took the day, but I stole her heart, so I consider that a win.

Rarity wasn’t powerful enough to teleport herself over, though she could send notes. It took a lot of power for her so she only sent back a couple a day, but it was nice to hear from her anyways. Rainbow Dash stopped by on the second day of the freeze and asked if I needed anything. I offered to get her high, drunk, or both and she agreed to take my bottle of tequila off of my hands, though she told me that the snakes were going straight to Fluttershy’s the second she could fish them out of the bottle. I showed her how to get them out by plugging to hole with my finger and turning the bottle upside down. One of the little snakes swam down and latched onto my finger, so I righted the bottle and pulled my finger out. I left it there for a little bit since it didn’t hurt at all. That was mistake number one. Mistake number two was using multiple fingers to get the other two snakes out of the bottle and letting them dangle off of my fingers to amuse myself and Rainbow. After letting them stay on for far too long, I put them in a bottle of some vodka and threw in some tiny slices of pineapple so they could eat. I know they didn’t really need to, but I thought it was a nice gesture.

When Rainbow left, I went to go figure out how to make my trick shots better, but when I tried to play, the balls kept shifting colors. I realized that I was tripping absolute shit and muttered as much to myself, which caused some insane visualizations of my words in colors and images. I took a deep breath to calm myself down so I could get shit cleaned up and go to bed, but when I inhaled, I could smell the colors of my words. The synesthesia was strong with this trip, so I decided to see what all I could see. Strolling on into my living room, I saw my parents sitting next to each other, playing around like a young couple deeply in love.

Fuck that..

I sat there and watched them for a little bit, wishing that this delusion would have been my reality. It did me no favors to reminisce on dark days, so I went to head upstairs and heard my front door open. I decided to go check and see if anyone was there, just in case. Of course, it had just been an audio hallucination, so I turned to head upstairs and came face to face with Luna. I took a step back and realized that she was wearing a rather pleasant looking bikini.

“For a delusion, you sure do look good. Nice bikini.” I told it. The shapes and patterns on hallucination Luna’s attire swirled and changed until they disappeared altogether, leaving her with a simple black two piece.

“Thank you, but I am no delusion, Max. Are you prepared to leave behind the snow and cold for some time on a beach?” She asked.

I nodded. “Right. Forgive me Miss Delusion, but I just saw my parents acting like a couple of teenagers in my living room, so I’m going to have a nap and wait until I’m not hallucinating.”

Luna stepped over and flicked my forehead. “Did that feel like a delusion to you?”

I rubbed the damaged area. “In fairness, I am tripping shit right now. Let me get my swimming trunks and some herb and I’ll be right with you.”

“I will escort you to your room. If you are hallucinating, then it is unwise to go alone.” She responded.

I shrugged and lead the way, though Luna had to help me up the stairs. The straight lines had multiplied dozens of times, giving the stairs the feeling of being a small scale of a massive monument. I had to look where Luna was stepping because I couldn’t see past the hallucination, and when we passed through it, the lines wavered and wobbled like they were made of smoke. It was pretty cool, but disconcerting at the same time, so I tried not to watch too much. When we got upstairs, Luna had to guide me to my room because I couldn’t pick it out of the dozens of doors I was seeing. Things were easier once I got inside, but I’d forgotten what we were even looking for. My mind was rather foggy at this point, so I assumed that Luna found my trunks for me.

Once I got changed, Luna teleported us to a sunny place with plenty of sand. I could hear the babbling of conversation in every direction, but there was no one around besides she and I. Luna started walking off, so I had no choice but to follow her. I may have gotten a little closer than I needed to so I could touch her hair, but the feeling of it was astounding. It was like running my hand through thousands of fine strands of silk in its smoothness. Luna turned to face me with a frown and jolted when she realized how close I was.

“Do you truly need a lesson on personal space? You are well aware that I will give you one.” She scolded.

“But your hair is so soft.” I whispered.

She gave me an odd look. “Celestia’s feels the same way, but warmer. Go touch her mane.” Great idea!

“Where is she?”I asked softly. “I don’t see her anywhere.”

Luna’s look turned into one of mild concern as she pointed in the direction we’d been heading. There was a canopy set up in the sand not too far from the edge of the beach where I could see some woman relaxing in the shade. I assumed it was Celestia.

“Oh. Would you look at that.” I looked around. “Why are we here?”

“Maximus, are you okay?” Luna asked.

“Do you know those little snakes that swim in alcohol?” I inquired.

Her ear flicked. “I know of them. It is said that they increase the potency of alcohol.”

“I was bitten by three of them while trying to get them out of a bottle. I think their venom is a hallucinogen to Humans.” I murmured.

The worried look on her face disappeared and she raised a brow. “I have hallucinated before. Are you having fun?”

“Can I touch your hair?”

“What is it worth to you?”

“So many cupcakes. So many.” I bargained.

Luna chuckled at that for some reason. “We will see. Come, I doubt the sun will do you any favors if you’re already seeing things.”

I followed Luna like a good boy, yes I am, and tried not to touch her hair. I failed, but the only thing I did was brush my fingers the the tips of her ever flowing locks. It wasn’t as nice as just being able to run my hand through its entire length, but it satisfied me enough for the forty five seconds it took for us to get to Celestia. I couldn’t help but notice that the alluring one piece that she was wearing left just enough to the imagination to make one desire a peek.

“Sister, why did you move our canopy?” Luna asked once we’d reached the shade.

Celestia flipped up her sunglasses and beamed. “Why, to give you a little exercise of course. You teleport everywhere in the castle.”

“That’s hilarious coming from you.” Luna stated drily. “Walking around the castle does not make up for you inhaling cake like it’s air.”

Celestia colored and glanced at me. “I do not inhale cake.”

Luna crossed her arms and I giggled at the little cartoon ponies trotting around Luna’s feet. There was one for each of the girls and the Princesses, though they were closer to the ponies I’d seen on earth than the Ponies I’d met in Equestria. It felt like I was looking at a little musical number to some kids cartoon when they started doing dressage. I had completely tuned out Celestia and Luna to laugh at the little ponies.

Up until Luna snapped her fingers in my face to get my attention, I was having the time of my life. “Yes love?” I looked at her expectantly.

“Why is he so quiet?” Celestia asked.

“He has been since I came to collect him.” Luna told her. “I believe he is having more fun than we are.”

“That would seem to be the case.” Celestia patted the reclining pool chair next to her. “Have a seat Max, tell me what you’ve seen so far.”

I giggled some more and launched into every little detail that I could remember, starting with my time in my billards room up until the point where I looked at Luna butt and saw it grow until it was nice and spankable. Luna threw some sand at me because of it, but at least it wasn’t something heavy . “So? Do you want to get bitten by tiny snakes?” I asked.

Celestia chuckled and, “I think we’ll pass this time. Would you care for a drink?”

I almost accepted it it before I remembered. “I don’t drink anymore.”

Celestia blinked her surprise. “Really?”

I nodded. “After the Zeal thing, it just isn’t as appealing.”

She reached over and patted my thigh. “Then you’ll be glad to know that she died slowly and painfully.”

“‘Tis true,” Luna chimed in. “Celly broke many old yet viable laws to bring Zeal suffering that I had not thought of.”

I grinned goofily. “I like you two. You’re cute.”

I got a couple of scoffs and just as many blushes. “Perhaps he is hallucinating again sister.” Luna said.

“I believe you’re right.” Celestia agreed. “Maybe we should dunk him in the ocean to see if that sobers him up?”

My tongue parted my lips and I tried to sneakily reach over to mess with Celestia’s hair. Luna was right: it felt the exact same, but instead of being cool, it was a little warm. Celestia caught me, but let me continue because reasons, I guess. I don’t know how long I spent stroking Celestia’s hair, but I do know that it was a magical experience that smelled like blue with a tinge of pink and purple.

Eventually, Luna got tired of relaxing and wanted to go play in the water for a little bit. Celestia and I happily agreed, so we played tag and that was about it. We didn’t have enough people for volleyball, and Celestia had only wanted to spend the day with the people she was closest to since she only scheduled one big snow storm a year. Luna agreed, but when I brought up Twilight, it was immediately shot down by both sisters. Luna just didn't like Twilight because ‘She’s just too innocuous for her own good’, and Celestia vetoed it because she didn’t want one of my lovers to be around. I appreciated her honesty, and let her know that I was grateful that she was the most honest mermaid on the beach. I was the only one who knew what a mermaid was, so I giggled about that for awhile and waved off the ones that I’d seen in the ocean. Celestia and Luna were sure to keep an eye on me while I gave in to the trip, which I considered unnecessary but kind. I kept myself in check well enough that I never got out of sight, though Luna did have to stop me from accidentally drowning myself once. I’d gotten a little ways out into the ocean and got hit by a massive wave rolling in, which was all well and good if you’re a strong swimmer. The weather in England had given me few enough chances to practice, and I’d never felt undertow before. Luckily, Luna was an astute babysitter and pulled my arse out of the fire before I could reach the coals.

After that, I stuck a fair bit closer to the Princesses. Celestia had gone back to her chair and invited me to play with her hair some more. A foggy thought told me to try touching her ears, so I went along with it, and Celestia sighed at my ministrations. Between the nearly weightless texture of her hair and the softness of her ears, my hands were in heaven. As I combed through her hair with my fingers, it changed colors, going from pastels to darker cool colors, and to hot, vibrant warm colors. Each set of colors brought along new smells, like the Whitetail Woods after rain, or fresh baked cookies of different kinds. It was a rewarding experience that I was happy to sit and enjoy.

When the sun was starting to move from its zenith, Celestia asked me to help move her chair into the sun and to put some tanning lotion on her. I damn near jumped at the opportunity to touch her coat while I was still tripping, though I was clear headed enough to keep my hands in the appropriate places. After seeing me lather up Celestia, Luna asked me to do the same thing. I found it rather surprising that Luna’s coat was actually a fair deal shorter and finer than Celestia’s. It felt like a strange combination of felt and skin, though it wasn’t entirely unpleasant. I may have spent more time on Luna because the cartoon ponies came back and started playing in her fur like it was water. I grinned goofily and tried not to laugh as they dunked each other into the waves of Luna’s fur, though I did giggle a couple times. I fucking lost it when brown ponies started trotting out of her bikini bottoms and rolled around in the sand. I don’t know why I found the low brow humor so funny, but I was enjoying myself.

Celestia asked if I needed any protection from the sun since I didn’t have any fur to help me out and I looked at my dark green skin. I said yes because I was sure that I would be sun burned like a Scott if I didn’t stay under the tent. Hell, the time in the water had already caused me to feel some mild irritation on my face and shoulders. Celestia had me bring my own chair out into the sun and worked some tanning oil into my skin. Being touched was a different experience from touching someone else. It was as if every strand of fur on Celestia’s hands was an insect’s leg, which made me feel so gross. I’d been keeping Celestia and Luna updated on what I was experiencing, but decided not to share that little tidbit.

By the time the sun was getting ready to set, we’d had plenty of fun on the beach. The Royal Sisters had caught an eyeful of my wedding tackle after some odd circumstances involving invisible things pulling down my shorts, and I was pretty sure that it had been orchestrated by Celestia. I was a little miffed since that was just childish, but I got my revenge by slapping her bottom hard enough to leave a tentacle-print on her cheek. Since everyone there had some way of causing such a thing, Celestia couldn’t pin the blame on me, and when I untied Luna’s top, it was still a toss up as to who would do such a thing. All three of us had mischievous track records, so there were plenty of minor pranks throughout the day.

Magic made cleanup a breeze and even healed the Sun burn that I’d still received despite putting on sunblock. I gave each of my temporary babysitters a hug before they sent me home to freeze.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

It took a while, but I finally stopped tripping around noon the next day. The trip had been a pretty good one barring the images of my parents, but other than that, it had been a pretty great time. I wasn’t going to repeat it anytime soon since I didn’t know if it would permanently affect me, but it had been fun while it lasted.

On the third and final day of the freeze, I spent much of my time reorganizing my wine cellar. I’d gone through and subsequently replaced a lot of bottles, so I wrote up a new catalogue based off of the old one and had everything good to go in about five hours. In my defense, there was a lot of alcohol down there, and not all of it was wine. When I’d finished organizing, I looked around at the dozens of bottles that I possessed, but would probably never drink. It seemed like such a waste of good spirits, but then I remembered that it wasn’t like I had keep it, and alcohol tended to hold its value pretty well anyways. The older the better, so I left my cellar thinking about how much a hundred year bottle of wine would go for. Then I remembered that I still had three and a half bottles of thousand year old wine. A thousand years was a little over half of my lifespan, so if I could hold onto them that long, they would probably be worth plenty. I highly doubted that I could keep them that long, but I can dream, right?

Twilight and Fluttershy came over the day the snow had cleared enough to walk through, so I brought out the cigar that I had been working on. Fluttershy was a little nervous about participating, but Twilight was eager and ready to receive my stogie. I had Twilight light it with magic so that it would burn evenly and took the first hit. That shit hurt something fierce, but then again, I’d drawn far harder than I really needed to. Twilight was next in rotation, and did the same thing I did, except she actually coughed. Fluttershy sipped the smoke gently and kept herself in rotation for awhile by taking tiny hits. By the time Fluttershy couldn’t handle anymore, Twilight was more faded than Celestia’s thousand year old livery in the Everfree and I was lit like a Christmas tree. Fluttershy was straight up stuck in my recliner, Twilight on the couch, and me on my favorite easy chair. It was a good thirty minutes before I could move again without feeling like my limbs were leaden, and we still had three quarters of my cigar left. It was so thick with resin and residue already that the leaves I had wrapped it with were already sticky throughout all of it.

Once Twilight had sobered up enough to get up and moving again, we took a field trip to where I stored my pre-cut tree and started pulling buds off of it. Twilight carried the ludicrous amount with her magic, so I carried the leaves we had cut from the living plants. My house fucking reeked, but It was well worth it for my idea. I started chopping buds with my knife and Twilight used magic to adhere the leaves together so that we could roll the final product. It took awhile to chop the buds finely enough to suit their purpose, but we had five cigars worth of bud and leaves, so it’s not like I wouldn’t have a chance to get it right if I messed up. After I got the first one put together, Twilight picked up on the technique like she’d seen me do it a thousand times before and we got through it that much faster. Twilight’s cigars were a little on the wonky side, but after breaking them down and starting over, she got them just right. I gave Twilight two of them because she’d helped make them, and I sent one each to Luna and Celestia. I saved the last one for Fleur and Fancy and sent a note along with it, telling them to find a partner and try sex while high.

Twilight and I sat down and smoked another quarter of the cigar by ourselves, but we weren’t stuck like last time. Fluttershy did keep an eye on us, however, once she herself finally woke up from her marijuana induced slumber. I spent my time writing more of A Thousand Moments and was making great progress. In a few more sessions, I would be ready to have Twilight proofread it so I could send it off to my publisher, a Briddish fellow named Stove Pipe. We rarely talked, but he was an alright guy.

Twilight and Fluttershy took their leave as the sun was setting and my maid passed them on the way in. Thankfully, Berry Blitz didn’t wear her little maid outfit outside, otherwise she would have frozen. That, and I’m sure my girls would have had a problem with her outfit since it was so damn revealing. Fluttershy had straight up told me that she didn’t mind if I slept with Berry Blitz, but Twilight had seemed rather perturbed about the idea, so I kept my hands off for awhile. Once, Twilight came in while I was eyeballing Berry’s rear and she slapped me pretty good, but that was a few months ago. Twilight stopped slapping me (on purpose) after that because I grabbed her by her throat in a fit of rage, and despite my rapid and sincere apologies, I don’t think Twilight is going to forget it. I won’t either, and I have a pretty solid argument against her in the form of being emotionally tormented and paranoid at the time. I shouldn’t have retaliated, but she shouldn’t have started shit when a stern word would have gotten her point across just as well.

Berry always started on the top floor and worked her way down so she could change in the privacy of one of my guest rooms. With how skimpy her outfit was, it wouldn’t have made much of a difference if she’d just changed in front of me, but I could appreciate a moderate amount of modesty. When Berry finally worked her way downstairs, I was chilling in my living room, writing some more of A Thousand Moments, listening to some smooth jazz on my record player. By now, I was fairly sure that Berry Blitz was purposefully flashing me as she worked, but it never hurt to be sure. I asked to have a word with her for a moment and she pulled a chair up next to mine. She had placed it so that the chairs were touching, and when she sat down, her leg was touching mine. I found the close contact to be rather unnecessary.

“What did you want to talk about, boss? I haven’t been missing anything, have I?” She asked sweetly.

“No, you’ve been doing your job just fine,” I half truthed. “It’s just that there’s been something that I noticed quite some time ago, and I wanted to ask you about it.” She looked at me expectantly. “Why do you wear such a short skirt?”

Berry blinked. “Why, the Princess asked me to wear something that you might like. I asked some friends what stallions like since I don’t have much experience with them and they said short skirts and maid outfits.”

I raised my brows at her. “Berry, are you aware that I know what your Cutie Mark looks like?”

Her face flushed red and she looked at her hands. “I-I kind of assumed that you did.”

“I have to ask, love, are you flashing me on purpose? Did someone tell you to do it or something?” From her posture, I could tell that she was honestly embarrassed, so it made no sense for to have been teasing me these past few months.

Berry touched her fingertips together in a seemingly random pattern. “Well, Princess Celestia told me that I shouldn’t do anything to upset you, so I asked my friends what would make you happy-”

“And they told you to bend over a lot near me?” I asked in disbelief.

“Well…” She pulled on her fingers.

“Look, if you want to wear the outfit, then feel free. If you want to wear casual clothes, then that’s just as fine. Be comfortable enough to be who you are in my home, Berry, not who your friends think I want you to be.” I told her sincerely.

“...Does that mean I can put my pants back on?”

“Yes, it does.”

Berry’s face lit up and she thrust my face into her chest. “I should have known that you weren’t just some stallion with wandering eyes!” Right.

I said something into the bountiful confines of her boson, but that just made her giggle, so I tried again with my face out of her tits. “If you’re ever worried about something, just let me know. I’ll probably take care of it then and there, depending ing on the problem.”

She beamed. “I sure will, boss! I’ll get started again after I change!”

Berry rushed off to go retrieve her clothes and I sighed inwardly. I’d been hoping that she had wanted some good old fashioned adult fun time with me, but I suppose I can’t be irresistible to every woman I come across. She came back downstairs in the outfit she had come to the house in and continued cleaning as usual. Berry was still fun to look at, but it just wasn’t the same.

I invited her to have a cup of tea with me so I could get to know her a bit better, and much to my pleasure, she agreed. I wasn’t trying to get laid or anything, but this person had been coming to my house, cleaning up the few messes I left around and shoring up where I fell flat in my house keeping, which made me feel like I should at least know a few things about her. It was an oversight on my part to have waited this long to talk to her, but at least I finally did.

We talked about a few things, like her hobbies and her friends in Ponyville, though I couldn’t help but think that Berry Blitz was a bit of an odd duck. She was naturally beautiful like Rarity, but from the way she acted and talked, Berry most certainly didn’t acknowledge that fact like Rarity did. I tried to drop hints, asking if she might have some sort of love interest, but Berry either missed my subtlety or had just never had one, so I just asked instead of beating around the bush. She told me that she’d just never had a stallion be that interested in her, and I asked if she’d ever tried women. I was assured that women were out of the question, and that Berry just didn’t really think she needed a special ‘somepony’. I let her know that I would be happy to find her a decent guy if she ever wanted one, though she politely declined, stating that she would find one on her own one day. I had to admire her willingness to handle it herself, even if handling it herself hadn’t turned up any luck so far. It really wasn’t my problem, but I kind of just wanted to get Berry a boyfriend or something so I could stop being tempted to charm her. I may have laid a few people in relationships, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t honor them under normal circumstances.

I eventually ran out of things to ask her, so she got back to work and I went back to writing. Berry gave me a 'hug' before she left and told me that she couldn’t wait to tell her friends that I was gay. I was quick to correct her, though she was confused as to why I had her take off the maid outfit if I wasn’t. Of course, I couldn’t tell her that I’d been trying to figure out if she was trying to seduce me, so I just told her that I wanted her to be comfortable like I said earlier. Berry gave me a 'hug' for that and offered to set me up with a friend of hers. I let her know that I was already seeing Twilight, Rarity, and Fluttershy by name, and she looked at me like I was crazy.

“Boss, I’m telling you now, those mares are nothing but trouble.” She warned.

“Trust me, love, I know. You should’ve seen them on Hearts and Hooves Day, it was like it’s unheard of for a guy to do something for his girl, which I find to be ridiculous.”

“...Well, it is kinda unheard of.” She told me.

“Ridiculous.” I scoffed. “Anyway, I know my girls are a handful, but I love them, and there’s nothing that could convince me to give up on them.”

Berry beamed. “It’s good that you’re so willing to work with their quirks. I know a lot of ponies avoid hanging out with them too often, just in case they get wrapped up in something. I guess they’ve calmed down a lot since you’ve been here, though.” All most of them needed was a solid source of dick. Worked like a charm.

“I suppose they have. When they go to do stupid things, I generally tell them about the consequences of said actions. The girls really just don’t think very far ahead.” I explained.

Berry raised a brow and gave me a look. “What about the time Applejack and Rainbow faced off in the middle of town covered in bees?”

I scratched my head and looked down, trying not to smile. “I may or may not have told them to do that one.”

“What? Why would you do that!?” Berry asked incredulously.

“To see if they were dumb enough to do it. I really didn’t think they were, in my defense, and I wasn’t even there to see them do it.” I deflected.

She crossed her arms and gave me a womanly look. I had to adjust my eye level before I got myself into more trouble. “Really, boss? You shouldn’t dare ponies to do foalish things if you know that they’re stubborn. You should expect them to do whatever you told them to because they won’t think too hard about it!” Well they should think before they act. Not my problem.

“That’s not the case anymore. I’ve told Rainbow and Applejack to do too many obviously inappropriate things for them to take all of my suggestions seriously anymore. Honestly, I only meant them as jokes.” I said.

“Like what?” She asked innocently.

“I’ve told them to do inappropriate things to each other.” I grinned.

“I’m not getting the picture here, boss.” She said blankly.

I patted her shoulder and pulled her in so she could see things from my point of view. “You see that, love?” I pointed somewhere indistinct above my front door.

Berry looked at me and tried to follow my finger. “I-I don’t think so boss.”

I lead my finger to directly over her head and drew and imaginary halo. “Do you see that?”

Berry shivered. “No, but I feel it. What are you doing?”

I frowned and looked at the air above her head. I noticed that the air around it seemed to be wavering like it was giving off heat or something. I placed my hand above it and nothing happened, so I imagined it floating to stick to my palm. I lifted my hand away and it became slightly more visible, doing what I’d imagined it doing.

“I drew you a little halo, love,” I put the hand with the flickering disk behind my back and patted her head with my other hand. “and now I’m making it stick. Have a safe walk home, Berry.”

She gave me an odd look. “...Whatever you say, boss. Don’t drink too much while I’m gone, okay?”

“Actually, I gave it up. I’ve been sober for a month or so now. I meant to tell you the last couple times you came by, but I was too busy wondering why you were showing me your arse.”

“I don’t know what arse means, but I’m happy for you if that’s the direction you want to go! I like wine myself, but I had an uncle who was a guard for a long time and he drank like you do, or like you used to I guess, and he said it was because he wanted to forget.” I’m ignoring that last part so I don’t have to talk about it.

“Well, I have a lot of wine that I’m not going to drink if you ever want a few bottles for free. All I ask is that you mark whatever you get off in the catalogue.” I offered.

Berry’s face lit up and she gave me another ‘hug’. “Thank you, boss! I’m having some friends over later tonight, do you mind if I take some now?”

I muttered my reply into her soft flesh, so she let me go and giggled. “Feel free, love. You still have a key to the house?”

She pulled her set of her pocket. “It always feels funny when you do that. Like, not bad funny, but a little weird.”

I raised a brow at her and grabbed my keys from the hook on the wall. “You’re the one who keeps putting my face there. You won’t hear me complain, mind you.”

She looked worried. “You don’t like it? Every stallion I hug like that has a goofy smile on his face when I let him go.”

“I don’t mind at all. How many guys do you hug like that?” I asked.

She shrugged. “Just my friend’s brothers.”

I nodded. “I wouldn’t do that unless you’re trying to date a fellow, love. It’s an awfully intimate gesture.”

She cocked her head to the side. “Why didn’t you say anything before now?”

I scratched my head. “Honestly? I thought you were trying to get into my bed. Between the maid outfit and the amount of personal contact, it was a real possibility.”

Her head stayed to the side. “Why would I want to get into your bed? All you ever ask me to do is make it, and you rarely ever do that.”

I clapped my hands together and felt an odd breeze. I realized that I’d forgotten about the little halo I’d had in my right hand and made a mental note to do that again. “You know what? If you don’t get it, I don't think it’s my place to tell you. Ask your friends what I’m talking about if you want, but I don’t think I should say any more. Keep your halo, love.”

Berry watched me walk out the door and I just shook my head. I headed out behind the house and looked through my greenhouse of a bit. The soil at the base of most of my plants was a little dry, so I watered a few of them and started experimenting with the little shape drawing thing I’d done. I could draw anything, and when I pushed my hand through, it released a small breeze that seemed to come from nowhere. As long as I visualized what I was doing in the moment, it would hang in the air as if supported by unseen strings. I thought it reminded me a bit of my telekinesis, so I drew a little table in the air and filled it in until the air was hazy before I took one of my throwing knives out of my trusty boots and set it on it. It fell straight through, but the gust was stronger than it had been before. It had pushed me back a little ways, actually. I grinned to myself, thinking of the trouble I could cause in the spring.

With my new plaything on my mind, I walked over to Twilight’s house to see if she could tell me anything about it. Spike answered the door and told me that Twilight was with Rarity for some reason she hadn’t told him, so I asked to have a word with him while he was home alone. I wrote a note to Macintosh and told him to swing by using Spike as a messenger. I told Spike that he should relax and remember that everyone gets ‘The Talk’ eventually. Spike didn’t seem to eager about it, but when Macintosh showed up, he still came with us to my house. I practiced drawing different shapes in the air while we walked, and when prompted about what I was doing, I told them that I was just playing around with ideas for a book. Artists of all kinds were known to be eccentrics in Equestria, so they accepted my answer rather easily.

I had Macintosh bring some cider along so I could pretend to drink along with them while we talked. I would go into detail about it, but who really wants to hear two guys try and sugarcoat sex? The talk wasn’t all that awkward since Spike had been asking questions about the subject since Macintosh and I had been mentoring him. Filling in the blanks that we had left was a simple task, and giving him the ground rules was a simple enough since Spike was a pretty good listener. By the time we were done, Macintosh had drawn up some pretty accurate diagrams and I had explained many of the finer points that Spike just couldn’t get. Between Macintosh and I, Spike was going to be just fine. He was a little tipsy by the time we were done, but the notes he’d taken were neat, orderly, and true to form, so he could look back on them if he needed to. I was proud of Spike for making it easy on his mentors, but then again, we’d been grooming him to be a respectable guy anyways.

I took Spike back home and Macintosh went off to go find Cheerilee, one of the town’s three teachers. She mainly dealt with kids around the tweenage years, so I could imagine that she and Macintosh saw each other often as a form of stress relief. The big red farmer had straight up told Spike and I that he was about to go turn Cheerilee into a drooling mess, stating that Spike was close enough to being a man that he could hear such things now. I was going to wait until his next birthday to be more up front about sex with him, but I respected Macintosh’s decision all the same.

On our way back to his house, Spike asked, “So… Would you be honest with me if I asked you a question?”

“I’ve made quite the habit of it, if I do say so myself. Take that as a yes.”

Spike nodded. “Okay. Have you had sex with Twilight or Rarity?”

“Rarity yes, Twilight no.”

Spike sighed in relief. “Man, I know you’re dating Rarity now so I’m not even surprised. I was just worried that you were doing naughty things to my big sister!” Oh kid, if only you knew.

“If you’re not surprised, why did you ask?” I inquired, dodging the Twilight comment.

“I just wanted to know for sure. It actually makes it a lot easier to let her go now that I know you’ve staked your claim.” He said.

“Good deal, mate. Have you made much progress with your love life?” I asked.

Spike pursed his lips. “Sorta kinda. Apple Bloom and I talk a lot more now, and Sweetie Belle and I spend more time together. I haven’t asked either of them out yet, but sometimes we even hang out together and everything’s cool.”

“Glad to hear that you’re doing well. Are you interested in one of them more than the other?”

“Well, I still have a little crush on Sweetie Belle, so I’m leaning toward her, but Apple Bloom is just so genuine and simplistic with how she sees stuff that I can’t help but want to know what she’s thinking about. I’m kinda stuck, Max.” He said truthfully.

“It would seem so.” I commented idly.

“...Any suggestions?” Spike asked.

“You dug your grave mate, you’ve limited your options if you don’t want to hurt anyone at this point.”

“...That’s what I thought.” Spike lifted a claw to his mouth and thought hard for a moment. “Based on what I’ve learned so far, if I have feeling for both mares and they have feelings for me too, then I should ask them out and try to deal with it.”

I shrugged. “If that’s your conclusion, then I’ll support you one hundred percent, Spike. I have faith that you can deal with Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle.” Especially if the girls were giving Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle advice too. We’d all agreed on a basic idea, though we all had our different ways of saying it.

He held up a fist and I bumped it. “Thanks man. I think I know you well enough to assume that means that you approve.”

“I didn’t say that, but you’re welcome to think whatever you like.” I said cooly. Macintosh and I agreed that we would let Spike solve more of his own problems after his talk. If he came to us for advice, we would still give it, but it’s not like we were going to offer up information.

He rolled his eyes and let himself into the Treebrary. We’d arrived after he’d come to his conclusion, but had stayed outside to finish the conversation. I followed him inside and found Twilight in her basement, doing more shit with more dangerous shit. I rang the chime that she’d had installed and waited until she finished putting up her experiment to give her a hug. I probably shouldn’t have done it while she was still turned around since her hand whistled through the air, barely missing my face this time. Twilight apologized for nearly smacking my shit again, but I didn’t really care.

“Hey Twilight, there’s some new shit that I want to ask you about.” I said bluntly.

Twilight raised a brow at my language. “Let’s see if I have an answer.”

I started drawing a disk and filled in all the blank space until I had a hazy circle in the air. It was about the thickness of my fingertip, and when I imagined it spinning, it started slowly and sped up until it was a spherical disturbance in the air. I focused on holding it between my hands and held it out to Twilight who was agape at my wizardry.

“This. I drew an imaginary little halo around my maid’s head as a joke and saw something like heat waves in the air. I started experimenting with it and figured out how to do this.”

Twilight’s horn lit up and her familiar magenta magic encompassed the orb. Twilight’s magic started turning black and blue, however, until it fractured around the orb and Twilight seemed rather perturbed by the event.

“Max… Why do you know magic?” She asked softly.

“I don’t. The most magical thing I have is my telekinesis, but that’s more of a psychic ability rather than magic.” At least, I didn’t think I had magic.

“Max, you don’t understand. When you do that, you’re leaving magic in the air. When you touch it, you feel something like a gust of wind, right?” Twilight inquired, shocked.

“Yeah. So I have magic?”

“You have dark magic.” She replied numbly.

“Oh, I knew that.” I shrugged. “I can’t really tell you how I got it, but I already had it.”

Twilight blinked at me. “Max, do you mind if I run a few diagnostic spells?”

“What all would those tell you?” I asked.

“Well, it would let me know how much you have, the nature of it, and who or what put it inside of you.” She explained.

“Then that’s a negative, Ghostrider. I’ll have Luna or Celestia run some tests and have them tell you what they find.”

Twilight gave me an odd look. “Why can’t I do it? I’m sure I could do a perfectly adequate job.”

“I’m not saying you wouldn’t do it right, I’m saying that there may be information involved that would be dangerous for you to know. It’s an Operative thing that happened some time ago, if I’m not mistaken.” I lied.

“Oh, then I guess I’d rather have one of the Princesses do it if that’s the case. I’m sure they’ll figure out how to get rid of it.” Twilight gave me a smile.

“Why would they want to get rid of it? It hasn’t really affected anything so far.”

“Dark Magic in general is dangerous, Max. It’s odd that it hasn’t interfered with your life so far, but there’s no telling when it might start.” She warned.

I poked the orb to dispel it and we were blown back by the intensity of the gust. “... Okay, I’m going to have Spike send a note to Celestia in a moment. Macintosh and I had ‘The Talk’ with him by the way.” Twilight and I regained our composure.

Twilight grimaced. “How did it go?”

“It was pretty easy, actually. Macintosh drew visual aids and I handled most of the verbal things, so Spike got the picture pretty well.”

Twilight smiled anxiously. “That’s great, but what if Spike wants to use what he learned?”

“We already covered that. Have faith in Spike, cherry, he’s got a good head on his shoulders.”

She sighed. “I know I should, but I’m not sure how I feel about Spike knowing more about sex than I do.”

I gave her the oddest of looks. “Twilight, did your parents never talk to you about sex?”

She hugged herself and looked away. “I never really gave them the chance. When the time came, I was in the castle, learning about magic. The times I spent at home were spent catching up on what what time we missed, so it never really came up.”

“Cherry, I can explain it to you if you want. It doesn’t have to be an awkward thing.” I said honestly.

Twilight turned to face me, her face indicative of my pet name for her. “I-I think I would rather have Fluttershy or Applejack explain it, if it’s all the same to you.”

“That’s perfectly fine. It’s easier to learn from the same gender, I suppose.”

Twilight blinked, her horn glowed, and I had some extra things on my chest. “You’re right! Why don’t we get the girls together and we can all talk about it?”

“...Why don’t I go to Canterlot and have Celestia run those diagnostic spells?”

Twilight blinked and started blushing again. “...I might have forgotten about that.”

I patted her head patronizingly. “It’s okay, love. Not everyone can be as perfect as me.”

She gave me a look that said ‘right’. “Right. I can either teleport you to Canterlot so you don’t have to ask Princess Celestia to do it, or I can turn you back into a guy.”

“Can I get that addadicktome with a side of balls please?” I quipped.

Twilight gave me an odd look and turned me back into a guy. “I’m pretty that’s what you asked me to do.”

I patted my chest. “It is. Thanks, cherry.”

Twilight stood on her tip… Hooves? She made herself taller so that she could kiss my cheek, which I returned with a kiss on the lips. “No problem, honey. Do you want to wait until you come back to have that talk with the girls?”

“No, I think this should be between people who were born as women. I wish you the best of luck, however, and don’t be afraid to ask questions if you don’t understand. If there are questions that no one can answer, ask the Mayor and tell her that I sent you.”

“...Are you sure I can ask Mary about stuff like that? I’m sure she’s a busy mare.” That’s hilarious. She always has time for me at least.

“I’m sure she’ll make an exception for me. She owes me a few favors.” Especially after the last kink she had me fulfill. I’m really not into BDSM.

“If you say so.” Twilight said uneasily.

“Trust me, love, Mary can probably give you a better understanding of sex as a female than any woman short of Celestia.”

“Max, why do you know that?” She asked.

“Because she’s been teaching me things about sex. Broadening my horizons as it were.” I scratched at my beard.

“Oh. Should I be worried?”

“Not at all. Mary doesn’t stand a chance at taking me from you.” I reassured her.

Twilight gave me a smile and another peck on the cheek. “Good, I would hate to have to break your legs.”

I blinked. “What.”

“Too much? Sorry, Fluttershy said that I should try your sense of humor, but I don’t think I quite get it.” Twilight clarified.

“Yeah, no, I get it now. I was just confused since you don’t exactly threaten anyone.” I chuckled, patting her shoulder.

Twilight and I let the conversation go after that and headed upstairs. I had Spike send a quick note to Celestia and talked to him for a little bit about cunnilingus. I gave him the basic alphabet technique and was in the middle of explaining why it felt good when Celestia teleported me into a sitting room. She was sipping on some tea, looking quite stately when I arrived.

“You wanted to talk?” Celestia asked.

“Yeah, I need you to examine the Dark Magic in me. You said it was just supposed to leak out, right? Not that I could actually use it.”

Celestia set her tea down and gave me a worried look. “Don’t tell me you cast a spell.”

“Not that I know of. Watch this.” I did the same thing I had done to show Twilight and set it spinning so it was more visible. “Twilight tells me that this is basically magic.”

Celestia’s eyes were slightly widened. “It’s a basic use for it, but it is magic.” Her horn lit up and her golden aura wrapped itself around the spinning disk before turning dark like Twilight’s had.

“So what does this mean?” I asked.

She didn’t give me an answer, but her horn continued glowing and started to cover me as well as the disk. Once I was glowing with Celestia’s magic, I heard a mild hum in the air that filled my ears. For a few minutes, Celestia just sat and nodded up until she released her magic, and when she did, she gave me a grim look.

“You’re not going to like what I have to tell you, Max.” She said solemnly.

I sighed and shrugged. “Then let’s get it over with already. What are we looking at, Sunbutt?”

“Max, Luna’s dark magic fused into your soul some time ago, feeding off of the darkness inside of you. Since it’s feeding off of you, it’s altered your bond with Luna, but not drastically, though it does mean that your lives really are intertwined now. It’s a tossup whether or not the dark magic residing in either of you could take the dark magic in the other over, but either way, if you or Luna die, one of you is turning evil.”

“Alright, that kinda sucks. Does this mean I can use spells?” I asked, a little put off.

“Does having the potential to enact your most violent nightmares not bother you?” Celestia asked in disbelief.

“When you put it like that, yeah kinda. It’ll either happen or it won’t, no point in fretting over something I’m already trying to prevent.” I answered.

“...I suppose I can see the wisdom in that. No, you cannot cast spells without a catalyst, but if you can find one, you could probably… No, it’s better that you don’t know. Dark magic has a way of taking over the user.” Celestia warned.

“Then why don’t I have a chat with Luna and see what I can and can’t do? It sounds like a better idea to know how to handle it, just in case it changes again.”

“That’s true enough, but I don’t think that you would really want to use Dark Magic. It’s really only useful for evil deeds, hence its name.”

“Evil deeds like raising the dead, curses and hexes, mind control, and attack magic?” I asked.

Celestia looked at me. “Why do you know so much about Dark Magic?” She asked with steel in her voice.

“Easy, Celestia. We may not have actually been able to use magic in my world, but we did have it in our fairy tales and stuff like that. I liked to read when I was younger, so I know about some of that kind of stuff.” I explained quickly.

She seemed to ease up at that. “I forgot about that. I was worried for a moment.”

“Yeah, I’m not going to go around and start making zombies or some shit. I just want to know if there’s some way that I can use this crap that won’t turn me evil.”

“If you want, you may wait until Luna rises and she can tell you about some of the less harmful things about Dark Magic.” Celestia offered.

“I thought everything about Dark Magic was harmful?” I asked.

“Most of it is, but there are certain things that are okay to use, like simple attacks that don’t take too much power or temporary changes to your features that might help you intimidate some ponies.”

“Like what? Could I grow fangs or something like that?” I asked uneasily.

“Well, you could, but I was referring to changing some of your facial features or using your Dark Magic to form an aura so that ponies will avoid you. If it hadn’t fused with your soul, it would already be doing so, but I believe that you’re actually going to have to focus and use it if you do at all.”

“Well, I’m glad that I’m not just leaking Dark Magic constantly. That could have ruined some relationships that I have now.”

“Easily. I must return to Day Court, but feel free to make yourself at home, Max. You know the castle well enough to do whatever you need to.”

“I’ll see you later, then. Do you mind if I sexually harass some of your male guards?” I asked, trying to sound innocent.

“I would rather you didn’t, but if just so happen to ignore my words…” Celestia trailed off.

“It’ll be worth whatever punishment you give me.” I grinned.

“I hope you go through with it, I already have something wonderful planned.” She gave me a bright smile and I winced.

“Less worth it now. I think I might just have a walk around the premises for awhile.” I remarked.

“That’s fine, but there’s another Princess in the castle currently, so please be on your best behavior.” Celestia asked. I’m going to seduce her.

“I most certainly will be.” I gave her a winsome smile.

“Don’t try and seduce her, Max. She has a stallion already, and they’re happily in love with each other and no one else.” Celestia cautioned.

I sighed in defeat. “Over before I could even get started. Damn, I was hoping to add another Royal to my list.”

Celestia rolled her eyes. “You wouldn’t have slept with her anyways.”

“I knew that, but my penis didn’t have to. Thanks, Celestia, you made him sad.”

“I’d give him a kiss to cheer him up, but I’m pressed for time and I can’t spend much more looking around for that tiny thing,” Ouch. My feelings. “so I’ll take a rain check. See you later, Max.”

“See you, you savage twat.” I replied. Celestia just chuckled and walked out of the room.

I didn’t see any reason to stall my meeting with this new princess that I’d never heard of, so I stopped the first member of the castle staff that I saw and asked them to point me in the right direction. The woman I’d asked for directions had been a little intimidated by me since she knew who I was, but I put her at ease with some well timed jokes and some sincere gratitude. From the maid, I’d learned that the princess’ name was Mi Amore Cadenza, and that she was currently in the Dining Hall. If I got a move on, I would be able to catch her, so I did. For all my hurrying however, I learned that my princess was in another part of the castle from some short guy with a red and white hat. I thought it was odd since most of the castle staff didn’t wear hats of any kind, but I let it go and went to the gardens.

Basically, I spent four hours chasing this damn princess around the castle and never saw her until Celestia sent me a note, stating that it was dinner time. When I arrived to join the Princesses for dinner, Cadenza wasn’t there, so I just talked to Luna and Celestia for awhile. They had a laugh about my plight and Luna told me that Cadenza was most likely in the castle gardens the entire time. She’d told the ruling sisters that she just didn’t want to be bothered for awhile, so the castle staff had been telling me falsehoods all day. Celestia sent the woman a note, telling her that I would like to meet her while Luna and I discussed some things about Dark Magic. We agreed that we would talk more in depth about it later that night so I could have a chance to meet Cadenza first.

We finished up with dinner and Celestia told me to head out to the gardens and wait for Cadenza there. I gave her a hug before I left and walked across the fucking castle so I could bitch at our slippery princess for a little bit. I stood around in the middle of the magical garden for like, ten minutes before a predominantly pink Alicorn made her presence known. I gave her a quick scan and took in some of her features.

The woman was beauty defined into a single person, rivalling Celestia and Luna in sheer attractiveness and thoroughly crushing most of her competition. Seriously, Cadenza blew Fleur and Berry out of the water, and the only reason Rarity could hold a candle to her was because I’d seen her without her makeup. I tried not to notice her C-cup breasts or her slim figure, but it was hard not to since she was wearing a rather form fitting dress. It was modest, yet complimentary to her physique and color scheme, though I wondered why her hair didn’t have the same quality as Celestia’s or Luna’s. It was a combination of three colors; pale yellow, a mild pink, and a pleasant purple, hanging down past her shoulders.

Once I’d finished my brief inspection, I asked, “Do you have any fucking clue how hard it is to find you? I mean, seriously, I’ve spent a pretty good chunk of my day looking for you.” I chided.

Cadenza blinked at me. “...Hello to you too?”

“We’ll get to that in a second.” I waved her greeting aside. “I came here and looked for you, you know that? I know you’re a fucking princess or whatever, but when you hear someone calling your name, are you honestly not curious as to what they want to talk to you about?”

“... You just said that you know I’m a princess, yet you’re still yelling at me?” She asked incredulously.

“Your station doesn’t mean you’re above getting chewed out for being difficult, dammit! And I’m not yelling at you, I’m bitching. There’s a difference.” I sniffed.

“Would you do the same to Auntie Celestia or Auntie Luna?” She asked, crossing her arms.

“I would and I have.” I responded irritably, “Ask them yourself. I don’t give a damn who you are, I’ll be the first to tell you that you’re being rude.”

Cadenza stood there and looked at me for a few minutes, probably trying to make heads or tails of what I was saying. “I apologize for being rude, but I’m sure you understand not wanting to be disturbed by just any pony.”

“I understand it, which is why I’m going to go bitch at Celestia once we’re done with our little meet and greet for not telling me that you didn’t want to be disturbed in the first place.”

Cadenza shook her head and chuckled at me. “I don’t think I’ve ever met a pony who cares so little about status.”

“You probably haven’t. Did Celestia tell you that my first words to her were flirtations?” I asked.

Cadenza cracked up at that. “You flirted with the ruler of Equestria the first time you met her?”

“And most of the times after that, actually. I argued with Luna the first time I met her.” I shrugged. “I just don’t have much respect for authority. It makes me feel like some kind of sycophant when I show deference to someone because they’re royalty or something.”

Cadenza smiled at that for some reason. “I think I’m going to like you, whatever your name is.”

“My name is Maximus, but most people call me Max.” I said simply.

“My title is Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, but my friends call me Cadance.” She extended a hand.

I shook it. “They can only call you Cadance if they can find you.”

She giggled. “I suppose that’s true. So why are you looking for me?”

“Honestly? Celestia told me there was another princess in the castle and I wanted to see if I could seduce you. That was true up until I couldn’t find you.”

Cadance blushed. “This isn’t you trying to seduce me is it? Because I’m pretty sure that ‘bitching’, as you call it, doesn’t really put a mare in the mood.” No shit.

“You’d be surprised. Some women get off on being verbally abused.”

She gave me an odd look. “...Was that you trying to seduce me?”

“Of course not, love. I’d never speak to a woman such as yourself that way if I wanted to lay her.”

“I would hope not. I don’t think that guilt is the emotion you want when you’re trying to get some action.” Cadance said with a smile.

“It is in certain situations. I wouldn’t utilize it to that effect, but you might be surprised at some of the methods I’ve seen work.” I said.

“What method would you use for me? Just out of curiosity.” Cadance hurriedly assured me.

I had to put a hold on the grin I could feel forming. “Well, first, I would get closer.” I walked over to her. “Then, I would initiate contact.” I took her hand. “And from there, I’d be honest.”

Cadance had a little blush on her face. “What about?”

I wondered if I should tell her. I knew she had a love interest, but women in loving relationships didn’t respond like she was. I found it to be a little odd since Celestia had told me that she already had a suitor that she was head over heels for, and she had been telling the truth as she’d known it. I decided to go for it since charming her now could be beneficial for me later.

I looked into her eyes and focused there. “I would tell you that your eyes remind me of pink roses: Lovely, yet hiding some pain that the world doesn’t need to know of. I would tell you that your beauty made my heart skip a beat and stole the breath from my lungs, leaving me dizzy, entrancing me from the very first moment.” I purred sensually. “I would tell you that your coat reminds me of the sweetest cotton candy that I used to eat when I was little, and that it reminds me of a happier time when I was a nicer person. I would tell you that your voice is every bit as smooth as silk, and that it was as comforting as a lover’s touch during a winter storm. I would tell you-” Cadance sealed my lips with a passionate kiss, and I put my hands on her shoulders, pushing her away. I may have waited longer than necessary, but her lips had sent a warmth through me that I was quite fond of.

Cadance opened her eyes when she realized that I’d broken the contact and covered her mouth. “Oh my stars. Max, I-I…”

I tilted my head at her. “I thought guilt wasn’t the emotion I was supposed to be going for?” I said casually.

“Max, I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me, I just…” She trailed off.

“You got caught up in the moment, I understand. It’s hard to resist my charms at times.” I sighed heavily.

Cadance wrung her hands. “I really am sorry, I…”

“If I didn’t want a kiss, I wouldn’t have told you all of that.” I assured her. “As long as we leave it at that, I think we’ll be okay.”

“...You said all that for a kiss?”

“No, I said all that because I told you I’d be honest.” I said sincerely. “I didn’t really want a kiss until you kissed me, which is kind of ironic because I was about to move onto your lips.”

“...So what did you want?” She asked cautious;y.

“I’d love to spend a night in your bed, but I don’t think your lover would approve.” I commented.

Cadance scowled. “I don’t think he really has a right to say anything. If he can have an affair, then so can I.”

I raised my hands in a placating gesture. “Easy now, love. You don’t want to do something rash just because he made a mistake. You can’t really take it back if you cheat on him too.”

Cadance’s scowl changed targets to me. “I don’t want to hear this from the stallion who just tried to seduce me.”

“If I’d known that you were only interested as a means of revenge, I wouldn’t have said anything. I won’t step into your quarrell, Cadance. Not if it might fuck up any chance of you working things out with your man.”

She scowled at me some more before sighing. “I suppose it would have been unfair of me to get you involved.”

“Quite. If you can get him to agree to let you be with me, however, I would happily accept you.” I would have to explain that to Rarity, however. I don’t think she would be too happy with me, come to think of it.

Cadence tilted her head and thought about that. “I would like to have sex with somepony other than Shining Armor at least once in my life.” Fucking shite.

I grimaced “Oooh, yeah, I don’t think you’re going to have much luck there. I suggest leaving my name out of the equation if you really want to do something.”

“He didn’t tell me anything about the mare he was with, so why should I extend him the courtesy?” Cadance scoffed. “Does Shining dislike you or something?”

I waved my hand in a ‘kinda sorta’ gesture. “He doesn’t hate me as a person, to my knowledge, though I doubt we’ll be friends anytime soon. I’m dating his little sister, Twilight.”

Cadance’s eyes shot open. “You’re dating Twily? I used to foalsit her when she was little!” She paused and looked at me. “I just realized that you’re younger than Twilight. Wow.”

“I am? How old is Twilight?” I asked.

“You’re dating her and you don’t know?” Cadance asked, stunned.

“I’m not a Pony, love; I don’t automatically know everyone’s ages as soon as I meet them. You Ponies tend to leave age out of conversations, so it’s not like I would know if I didn’t ask.”

“Twilight’s twenty-three, Max.” Cadance shook her head.

“Okay, I’m a little surprised that she’s the same age as Pinkie, one of our friends.” I explained.

“How is Twilight, if you don’t mind my asking?”

And so I told her. We ended up talking about Twilight for about an hour, and I revealed that we hadn’t done much more than kiss. Cadance was a little disappointed to hear that Twilight still had her virginity for some reason, but was happy that I was willing to wait until she was ready. Cadance asked a few more questions about me personally, like what I do for money and some of my hobbies. She was shocked to learn that I wasn’t just some asshole with a Barony, however, she wasn’t all that surprised to find that I was an Operative. She told me that she expected that I was some kind of combatant, though I didn’t know why she’d assumed that. She told me it was just my aura or something, so I just let it go. Apparently Cadance was Celestia’s niece because of the way Equestrian orphanages work or some shit, so she’d been raised as a Princess, though that didn’t explain why she was an alicorn. She told me that she’d ascended when she was around Twilight’s age, which made me ask how old she was. Apparently, she was a year younger than Fleur, though she scolded me for being impolite.

I guess she forgot that I’d started bitching at her as soon as I met her.

Cadance eventually either got tired of my insolent answers or my questions. Either way, she went to bed after wishing me a good night and telling me that she looked forward to seeing me in the morning. I told her that I looked forward to seeing her leave, but at her offended look, I told her that I was waiting for a chance to check her out from behind. She stuck a blindfold on me that she’d gotten from… Somewhere, and affixed it in place with magic until she’d left my sight. I sighed to myself and went to go find Luna.

Luna was, of course, in the Court Hall, holding Night Court. When I arrived in the room, she pointed at her steward and told him to handle any affairs that came up so she could take me to her room. We teleported there because Luna’s sin is sloth, and she had me stand with my arms out so she could run a diagnostic spell. She explained that hers would be more in depth than Celestia’s had been and would let her know what all I could do.

“So how does your scan differ from Celestia’s? I asked.

“Because we are linked, I can glean more about you from a diagnostic spell, and because it is my Dark Magic that links us, I can grasp your abilities with relative ease.” Luna explained. “My scan is better because it is more specific in what it is looking for and because I am essentially just peering into your soul.”

“Is that why I feel so violated? I think you’re the only person I’ve had so deep inside of me.” I said flirtatiously.

Luna scowled and focused on processing the information she was receiving. After about ten minutes of waiting, her magic dispelled and she looked at me. “Well. I have good news and bad news.”

“Bad news first, please.” I requested.

She nodded. “From your multiple deaths, you’ve been rendered completely sterile, though it’s not only the cause of anything from Equestria. There is a chemical compound of some sort in your blood that appears to be somewhat magical in nature, though it is nothing I have ever seen before, so I imagine it is from your world.”

“There’s only one thing I can think of that might have caused that.” Fucking Rat Bastard and his massive syringe… I still remembered the sheer Hell that he had put me through. I shook at the memory. “I was tortured shortly before I came to Equestria, given some sort of serum that caused my body to feel like it was on fire from the inside.”

Luna nodded. “That serum has extended your life by three hundred or so years. While it is in your body, you cannot die.”

“Yeah, that’s a load of bull. I’ve died twice since then.”

“But neither time saw you dead for more than thirty minutes. The Dark Magic in your body is alive, Maximus, and it tells me that the serum would have saved you, regardless of whether or not Celestia or I had interfered.” Luna expounded.

“Wait, isn’t your Dark Magic from Nightmare Moon or whatever?” I asked.

“It began with me as I am. The magic within you is approximately half of Nightmare Moon, since you received the Dark Magic from me after I turned back into my normal self.”

“Fucking what.”

“You heard me correctly. Your Dark Magic is technically a half of Nightmare Moon.”

I looked at her like she’d lost her fucking mind. “...Are you seriously saying that I have half an ancient, evil being residing within me?”

“I am. I did not notice before now since Nightmare Moon was… Weakened, by me. I thought that she had just faded away since I had used so much of her power to revive you, but now I see that Nightmare Moon resides within you.” Luna stated.

My hands went to my hair and grasped it. I took a deep breath and let it all out. “So what, is she going to try and take me over like she did you at some point?”

“No, I have spoken to Nightmare Moon. She finds you to be an amusing host. She told me of the time you accidentally gave Pinkie Pie a sexual toy that was supposed to be meant for me.” Luna said drily.

“In my defense, it was supposed to be a joke gift for whenever you pissed me off.” I remarked casually.

“I have something similar for you, though now I am upset that my idea was not as original as I thought.”

“Great minds think alike.”

Luna scoffed. “To further explain the effect that Nightmare Moon will have on you, I will say this: She will slowly erode your emotions after approximately two hundred years, but it will be reversible as long as I live. She does not actively do this, but it will happen regardless. The only powers she is willing to give you are one’s that I can show you how to use later, though I doubt you will be terribly excited about them. Since you are fused together, Nightmare Moon will die if you do, but her power will shift to me, most likely giving her enough of an edge to take me over once more. Any questions?”

“Is there anything else NM causes that she can’t help?” I asked.

“There is not. She can keep the Dark Magic from killing you for as long as she needs. The half of her inside of you does not wish to die, so she will continue saving your life for as long as necessary, despite your former eagerness to end it.”

“So she's the reason my suicide attempts failed.”

“She is not the sole reason, but she would like to discuss that with you.”

“I’ll address that in a moment. What powers am I getting?”

Luna nodded. “Nightmare Moon will explain what she is allowing you to have and why.”

“So if you die, Nightmare Moon takes me over?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“Lovely. Now what’s this about talking to her?” I inquired.

“Meditate and she will come to you. I have allowed her some freedom within you since she is benevolent towards you, but do not think that she will not lead you astray. You may have gotten the side of her that is actually somewhat pleasant to deal with, but that does not mean that she will give you good advice at every turn.”

“So keep my advice needs to things that concern my life. Gotcha.”

“And your long term happiness.” Luna added. “Nightmare Moon will not stand for another suicide attempt and neither will I. Should you ever become dangerous to yourself, I will know, and I will not be happy.” Luna warned.

“Duly noted. I’m doing better now-”

“I know,” Luna interrupted, “Nightmare Moon has told me as much. She says that you do not fear death, but at the very least you no longer wish for it.”

“Most days. What else has she told you?”

“She told me that you once longed to be at Celestia’s side, but after browsing your old journals, that you received a reminder of what she put you through. I suggest you review that entry as often as you feel the need to rejoin Celestia before your fifty years are up. She may be my sister, but that does not mean that I am blind to her flaws, nor does it mean that I am willing to allow her to destroy something she wants so badly.”

“So you’re on my side for this one?”

“No, you were foolish enough to trust someone who’s darkness you are well aware of, so it is your own fault. I place the blame between Celestia and yourself since you both consented to the relationship.”

“Fair enough, I guess. I’ll keep your advice in mind, but by the sound of it, I think Nightmare Moon will warn me if I’m about to make a mistake.”

“If you ask her opinion, she will…” Luna trailed off.

“Is there something else on your mind?” I asked.

“...We will address the issues after you speak with your friendly little parasite. She has told me about things you need to discuss with someone.”

“How much do you know about me now?”

“I know of your self harming.” Luna said icily.

“...I like your hair?” I tried.

“Nightmare Moon said that she has been working against your healing factor so that you leave scars, but that you rarely cut that deeply. Maximus, why do you hurt yourself?”

“...It feels good, I guess.”I shrugged. “When I’m in a mood, it’s nice to feel something. It’s like an adrenaline rush.”

“Cease, or I will break your hands continuously until you rid yourself of the habit.”

“Never let that little tidbit of information leave this conversation and you have yourself a deal.”

“Oh, I am telling Celestia. You told her that you would cease months ago, and yet you did not, which I believe warrants corrective recourse for your actions.”

“I’d threaten to kill myself if you told her, but I can’t fucking die.” I sighed. “At least wait until I’m in Ponyville to break the news to her.”

“I will not. You will be here for the dawn, and you will receive your consequences.” Luna informed me.

I gave Luna the blackest look I could conjure up and she winced, though the scowl on her face didn’t go away. “Are you two really willing to risk my friendship over something I can’t get away with anymore? I’m getting awfully tired of dealing with people who think they can enforce their will on me without some form of retaliation.”

Luna crossed her arms. “I am sure that you are unaware that you have just used Dark Magic against me, so I will let that go.”

I furrowed my brows. “How?”

“When you gave me that look, I could feel Dark Magic behind it.”

“Then I’ll try not to use it, but you’re right: I was unaware. Are you really not going to talk about the whole ‘stop punishing me’ thing?”

“Celestia and I consider you a friend. If we earn your hatred through our attempts to stop you from self destructing entirely, then we will accept this as a necessary evil.” Luna said firmly.

I crossed my arms. “I understand your frustrations, but punishing me just pisses me off. If anything, I’ll continue doing what I was just to spite you.”

“And my promise still stands. We- no, I will not allow you to harm yourself anymore than you already have.”

“Then why don’t we just agree to let the past stay in the past and focus on making the correct decisions in the future? The only thing punishing me will do is make me mad at you, and we can just avoid that entirely. Hell, you guys lie to me all the time! I don’t see you getting punished for anything!”

Luna’s posture eased up a little. “You will not talk yourself out of this, Maximus. I will speak to Celestia about this…” She paused. “...Though I suppose that I could advocate that you have punished yourself enough already.”

“Please do. I’ve been through enough without adding retribution from my friends to the list, and it’s not like you guys have much space to talk.”

“I suppose we don’t.” Luna sighed. “You manage to talk yourself out of too many things.”

“Because I present reasonable, logical arguments that make too much sense to discount.” I said glibly.

Luna shook her head. After a few minutes of silence, She said, “I have nothing else for you Max. Other than well wishes and hope that you get along with Nightmare Moon. I have the evil half, so you should be able to get along with her.”

I blinked at her. “Wait, so you have to deal with the same evil that turned you against your sister?”

“Yes, but it is half as strong as it once was. I can handle it much better than I could years ago, so do not waste any time fretting about Celestia’s safety.”

“It’s not hers that I’m worried about, Luna. What happens if Nightmare Moon worms her way into your mind again? Can you come back a second time?”

“...Are you concerned for me?” Luna asked softly. It’s not like you just said that we’re friends or anything.

“No shit, Luna! We’re friends. How am I supposed to just sit back and let my friend be in danger? It’s the same thing you were just saying, ironically enough.” I said.

Luna gave me a little smile. “So you understand my frustrations. I assure you that Celestia and I will be able to handle it, should a problem ever arise, though I do find your concern touching.”

I nodded. “I trust that you’ll handle it, but never be afraid to ask for my assistance.”

Luna gave me a look that made me worried. “It may come to that in the future. Be well, Max, and get some rest after you talk to your new friend.”

“I’m not going to be able to sleep anytime soon. Once I have a chat with her, I’ll come talk to you about it.”

She nodded. “Please do. I’ll see you soon enough, then.” Luna teleported out with a little ‘pop’ and I was left alone in her room.

Since I was left to my own devices, I drew little dark magic disks all over her room and turned her furniture into a maze that would lead her through most of them. Chuckling to myself, I stepped out and surprised the Night Guards that were on duty. I gave them a wave and a greeting before heading toward the gardens so I could talk with Nightmare Moon.

It’s not like I ever knew what Nightmare Moon really was, though I did now that it was an evil being that had grown from Luna’s envy of the praise Celestia had received. I was a little wary of interacting with something that was obviously evil as shit, but then again, Celestia was pretty evil herself, so I couldn’t really say anything since I’d stuck my willy in that evil, knowing what it was. It bothered me that I’d had another entity inside me for months and I hadn't even known, but I tried to push my worries to the side since it wouldn’t help for me to freak out. It also didn’t help that Nightmare Moon had been able to tell Luna about things that I’d never told a single soul about, not even my journals.

I sat down in the middle of the garden and assumed the position. From months of practice, I found my center quickly enough and stayed there, bringing up different thoughts to ruminate on until I got bored, but when I opened my eyes, all I saw was darkness. I figured that Nightmare Moon was doing it, so I waved my hand in front of my face. I couldn’t see a damned thing, so I tried calling out.

“Hello? Anyone home?” I yelled.

‘Just imagine a light or something. Put yourself in your old safe house, the abandoned church.’

I started at the sound of the unknown voice, but I did what it asked. I closed my eyes and imagined myself in front of the loose flagstone where I always stored jewelry. When I opened my eyes, I was back in the church, just as it had been the day I’d left. My heart ached, knowing that I would never return to this place, but that was something I’d made my peace with long ago.

A thought crossed my mind.

‘I advise against that, Kaid. Seeing Max again will only bring you suffering.’

“...I need to say goodbye.”

‘...True. So be it.’

I closed my eyes and brought my brother into existence. Seeing him again, his straight blond hair and his slightly chubby face. The fucker had always been so much taller than me, and you could always spot some redness in his cheeks, though it was always a fifty-fifty shot if he was just drunk or mad. His broad shoulders paired well with his more heavyset stature, and his meat hooks, or rather, his hands, still carried every scar that he’d had from multiple jobs. It was good to see him hale and hearty again, but… It broke me down. I’m not ashamed to admit that. I tried to hug the illusion, but it just didn’t feel right, so I let it go and said, “I love you, mate. I never got to say it to you, and I’m so sorry that I didn’t, but it’s too damn late, now iddinit?” I paused and tried to find the words.

“You… You were the one who looked after me and showed me so much… I never forgot the last thing you said to me. ‘If we ever go our separate ways, I want you to know that we’ll find each other again, no matter what. One way or the other, mate, we’ll find each other.’. I ran from you then because I couldn’t face losing you. I wasn’t there when you went under because I couldn’t see you like that… I don’t need you to understand, but I do need you to know that I’ve never regretted anything in my life more than abandoning you. Goodbye, brother. Your name will live on with me for thousands of years, I swear to you.”

While I was in the midst of breaking down again, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned and tried to see who it was through my tears, but I already knew who to expect. “I am sure that it hurts now, but you made the right decision. Perhaps not at the right time, but the right choice nonetheless.”

I wiped my face and took a few moments to put myself back together. “Yeah, it sucks pretty hard right now, but I needed that.” I cleared my eyes one last time. “So you’re Nightmare Moon?”

I gave her a good once over. Besides the fact that she was practically black from the deepness of the blue of her coat, and the fact that she had a broken horn, there wasn’t much of her that I could see. She was a good deal taller than me, but she was wearing a ratty old cloak that seemed to be a little small for her. I highly doubted that she was wearing anything underneath said cloak, and I wondered why she hadn’t just conjured clothes.

“I am. You may call me Noir. Nightmare Moon is such a mouthful.” She said, curtsying deeply. I avoided looking at anything other than her face while she did. “I’m sure you have questions.”

“Yeah, like why aren’t you wearing clothes, you deviant?” I said playfully.

Noir looked at the state of her dress and let the cloak fall. I stared at the cloak on the ground for a minute before she coughed. When I looked up, she was wearing a black blouse with a very professional pencil skirt.

“I never thought to wear anything while I was alone in here. It seemed like a pointless courtesy.”

“Hey, if you want to run around my mind without clothes on, don’t let me stop you. Just don’t get mad if my imagination focuses on you.” I gave her devious grin.

“Do not force yourself to smile in my presence, I know your thoughts as soon as they happen. Such is the nature of our bond. Do not fret, however, I already consider you to be a decent man, seeing as how you would fall into either the True Neutral or Neutral Good categories on a spectrum of good and evil.”

“That’s nice and all, but how do I stop you from raping my privacy?” I asked, more than a little bothered.

Noir shrugged. “You cannot. I cannot. We must make the most of our situation since neither of us can leave it.”

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. I was still pissed, so I did it again. “Alright, so I’m obviously not happy with you.”

“You did not tell Luna of your childhood, and she wanted to know. You would have told her if she asked.” Noir deflected.

“What all did you tell her about? Besides the stuff I already know about.”

“Besides you childhood, few other things. I told her of your feelings toward her-”

“Wait, you told Luna that I have a crush on her!?” I shouted.

“No, Kaid. I did not. I told her that you value her greatly as a friend and confidant, though you do fear her and her power. I would not betray you in such a way.”

I cooled off quickly. “Thank you. I apologize for raising my voice at you for nothing.”

“You will do so again shortly.” She assured me. “I told Luna of what Chief Graham did to you.”

“You fucking what, mate?” I asked in disbelief.

Noir nodded. “You should speak with her about it. Luna is a good choice to keep your secrets. You should know that she would not tell Celestia if you-”

I lunged at her, but stopped in mid air. Noir maneuvered me so that I was standing upright, but about a foot or so in the air. I don’t know the fucking Imperial System, so shove it. “Give me one reason I shouldn’t be trying to end you right now.”

“Because that was likely the most traumatic thing you’ve ever experienced, and you’ve needed to talk about it since you got to Equestria.”

“So fucking what!? If I wanted someone to know, I would-”

“You would continue holding your silence. You want someone to know, you just don’t have the nerve to speak about it with. Every time you’ve tried, you ended up self harming in the privacy of your own home because it hurt that much. I took your first step for you, and you cannot pretend to be ungrateful, so cease your bluster and hug me.”

My feet hit the floor and I threw a punch at Noir. She stood there and took it like I was a toddler. “Do you feel better now?” She asked, rubbing her jaw.

I rubbed at my hand. Her face was harder than marble. “A little bit. Why’d you just stand there?”

“Because I overstepped my boundaries. I deserved it, despite actually helping you.”

My anger abated, replaced by regret. “You did something for me, and I hit you. Are you sure I’m a good guy?”

“You’re making the best of a bad situation, so I will not hold it against you. You feel bad for your actions, so I will forgive you. Things do not have to be complicated between us, Kaid, and I would like to consider you a friend in time.” Noir said kindly

“You’ve already done me a massive favor, so we’re off to a good start, I guess. If you’re in my head, then you know I prefer to be called Max.” I said evenly.

Noir extended a hand. “Hello, Maximus. I am Noir.”

I looked at it for a moment and swatted it aside before going for the hug. “Name’s Max. Thief, Operative, Lover, Fighter, and all around asinine arsehole.”

She patted my back a little awkwardly so I let her go. “You know, it is good to finally meet you. I have been observing in silence for long enough.”

“I suppose you have. Say, when Celestia did her scan, why didn’t she recognize you?” I asked.

Noir lead me over to one of the church pews and sat down. “She did not know that I existed. Many Ponies think that Nightmare Moon is a single entity, but like the Solar and Lunar Diarchs, we are halves of a whole. I am the peace of slumber and my sister is the evil that lurks within. You should not fear for Luna: I will assist you in subduing my sister should the need ever arrive.”

“Thanks love, I appreciate that. I guess you know the reasons why.”

“I do, but it is nice to hear another speak.” She said softly.

“Then thank you, it’s nice to know that I can have you help me with friends if I need you to.” I said sincerely.

“It is no issue. Speaking of your friends, it would be unwise to lay with Cadance. Twilight would be disturbed and Rarity will be furious that you did not stay true to your word.”

I sighed. “I guess I knew that, but got blinded by the power of princess pussy.”

Noir chuckled. “You do have quite the unique way of stating things.”

“Helps keep me alive, baby. Is there anything else I should avoid doing?” I asked.

“The threesome with Fleur and Fluttershy is a bad idea. Fluttershy will feel threatened by the presence of an older, more experienced woman in your life, and will feel as though you want her to be like Fleur.”

“I could always try telling her that it isn’t true.” I suggested.

“Since when does Fluttershy listen to you? If she is upset, she will ignore every word you say and will potentially jeopardize all three of your relationships by doing so.” Noir warned.

“So no Fleur at all, or just no Fleur with Fluttershy?”

“No Fleur with Fluttershy. No Fleur with anyone, except maybe Celestia in disguise.” Noir tapped her chin. “Celestia would not be threatened, but rejoining her early is a bad idea.”

“Noted again. So what do you do in here all day? It must be depressing, sitting here in a pitch black void.”

“It is boring, though I cannot become depressed. It is against my very nature.” Noir informed.

I closed my eyes and started imagining more of my safe houses, like Granny Altham’s old flat, my hangout with Maxwell, and my old house that I’d lived in with my parents. Noir lead me out of the church so I could survey my efforts and I gasped. I’d basically rebuilt Wiltshire, but only with places that I’d been. It was still pretty expansive, as far as I could see, and when Noir took my hand, we floated over the town. I could see the literal holes in my memory where I hadn’t been to certain places, but it was still a considerable amount of town to explore.

“Holy Hell… Did I do that?” I asked numbly.

“You can do many things here, Max. Your mind remembers everything, even if you feel that you do not. You could most likely paint your mindscape with every place you’ve ever been, if you so desired.”

“How long will it take for you to walk through all of this?”

“A few hours, I suppose. Thank you.” Noir gently glided us back towards the direction of the church.

I stopped her while we were in mid air. “Hold on, can I make anything?”

Noir gave me a womanly look. “Making a giant phallus would not be entertaining for anyone other than you. This is not Minecraft. I am not a twelve year old boy.”

I sighed. “Duly noted. Let me have some fun, will you?”

Noir nodded. “Create the castle, if you so desire.”

I gave her a look for reading my mind and focused on recreating the castle in the Everfree, my second home. When I opened my eyes, it was there, though Noir wasn’t exactly happy about it.

“What’s on your mind, tall, dark, and pretty?”

“You would classify me as beautiful.” Noir commented.

“That doesn’t answer my question, now does it?” I asked irritably.

“It does not. I was thinking of how different my home looked now. Well, my former home.”

“...Can’t you do the same thing I can in here?”

“...Be silent.” She closed her eyes and I watched as the castle became hazy before the image suddenly sharpened, showing the castle as it once was.

“Okay then, that was cool. I say we take a field trip.” I said.

“We can. We shall start at the top.” Noir flew us over to one of the towers and lead us inside.

We were in Celestia’s old room, if the solar symbology was anything to go by. Noir set us on the stone floor and I wandered over to the bed. I laid down on it and Noir joined me shortly after.

“You know, the only time I share a bed with a woman is if I’m about to-”

“Go to sleep.” Noir interrupted. “I have witnessed your moments of intimacy. I do not need any more information that that which I already possess.”

“Fair enough. Wanna wrestle?” I offered.

“I would win. I am surprised that you did not mean that as a ploy to explore my bod- Oh, there it is. I was wondering.”

“It’s so unfair that you can read my mind. How am I supposed to charm you if I can’t think up any of my usual things?”

“Once we are more familiar with each other, I suppose the option could be made available. It had been thousands of years since I have had intercourse. I suppose my hymen could have grown back by now.”

“Then I eagerly await stealing your virginity, only to never call.”

“That is only funny because I know that you would never stoop to such levels.” Noir said with a little smile.

I sat up on the bed and patted her leg. “Sure you do, love.”

Noir sat up along with me. “You are curious about your powers, are you not?”

“You know I was just about to ask. Let’s walk and talk.” I got off the bed and waited for Noir to do the same before leading us through some of my favorite spots in the castle.

Noir looked around, taking everything in. “It feels so empty without servants milling about, doing as they would.”

“Of course it does. I’m guessing that living here is going to be a lonely existence.” I said solemnly.

“It will be less lonely now that we can communicate. This is nothing compared to spending a thousand years on the moon as the subordinate personality.” Noir said. “Do not worry about me. I am too old for loneliness to bother me.”

“But it’s nice to hear someone else’s voice?”

Noir shut her mouth. “Why do we not move on to your powers?”

“Because I just owned you, and I’d like to gloat for a little bit.” I said honestly.

“Do not kick a woman while she is down, it does not speak well of you.”

I shrugged. “I say I’m a terrible person all the time. Maybe I should follow through with that for once.”

“I am happy that you have decided not to.” She waited for me to say something else, but I just shrugged again.

“You know what I have to say already. What powers do I have now?”

“Your first power is the one that you should have had in the first place. You can release my power to ward people off, though it will work on most people you encounter. Should you put enough effort forward, you could turn away most, save for Celestia and Luna, but even then your presence would discomfort them.”

“Great, so my main power is pushing people away. I’ve already had plenty of practice, at least.”

“You let people in now, which is what matters. Once you talk to Luna, I am sure that you will be happier and more willing to share more with those that you can.”

“If you say so, O mighty brain leech.” I said cheekily.

Noir barked out a laugh. “Your second power will be more useful to you. If you focus, you will be able to ‘knock out’ most ponies with a single look. You must be able to see their eyes and you must actively use it. Send one of your ‘black looks’ someone’s way and they will fall.”

“Save for Celestia and Luna?” I asked, just to be sure.

“All except for ancient Dragons and Luna. Celestia will fall if she is not aware of your power, though Luna is already aware. I have asked her to stay silent on this matter so that you have a defense against Celestia.” Noir explained.

I exhaled and realized that I’d been holding my breath. “That’s some good fucking news right there. The only thing I could use against her was my tentacle.”

Noir rolled her eyes. “I know that you meant your penis.”

I gave her a shit eating grin. “I know you know. The telekinesis is only useful if I’m either moving slowly or standing still, so it’s nice to have something that I can use while on the move.”

“I know. Besides drawing things in the air that go ‘poof’ when you touch them, you can increase the density and make a guided gust of wind. It is practically useless right now, but you may find a use for it later. Besides your perverted plans for spring.”

“Only a couple more months to go.” I chuckled. “So is that it? No Dark Magic bolts, black lightning, or mind control?”

Noir stayed silent for a few minutes as we walked. I waited patiently for her to respond, though it was getting a little ridiculous by the time she said, “You do not want those anyway. You worry about using your powers for evil, so you would have given them back in time, even if I assured you that your moral compass is adequate. For now, continue practicing with the bow Luna gave you if you want a long ranged skill.”

I sighed. “It sucks when you’re always right about me. Can’t you make an incorrect statement for once or something?”

Noir looked me dead in the eye. “You are handsome.”

I gave her a stern look. “That’s not nice. That’s not nice at all.”

“I believe you put it best when you said, ‘Who said I was nice?’.” Noir gave me a mischievous grin.

I tsked. “You suck sometimes, you know that?”

“I am sure you will be well acquainted with my level of suck in a few years. Perhaps you will even come to enjoy it by then.”

“Well, you don’t suck all the time, so I might not hate it when you do. As long as-”

“Not happening.”

“Didn’t you say you liked hearing me talk?” I asked, a little offended that I hadn’t been allowed to finish.

“I said that it was nice, not a necessity.” Noir said flatly. “You can conjure up something that will give you a... ‘Slinger’.” She shuddered at the word and I laughed.

“Are you sure you don’t want to try the Alabama Hot Pocket? What about the-”

“I do not understand why they called such a horrendous act something so innocuous, and I never will, no matter how many times you explain it. The Alaskan Pipeline has nothing to do with those disgusting acts. I assure you that you have not met a woman willing to do that.” Noir shook her hands as if she could fling the poo from them.

“Damn women and your standards of how you want to be treated!” I cackled.

Noir gave me a look. “To borrow a phrase from your world: Shut up, dumbass.”

I laughed harder and she just gave me that look that your mother gives you when she catches you doing something other than masturbating or having sex, which made me laugh even harder. She eventually magicked me off the floor so I would stop banging my head against it when I tried to get up, which I tried to thank her for through my laughter.

“You’re welcome. There is nothing else we must converse about, so you are free to leave whenever you like.” Noir told me once I’d calmed down a bit.

I floated myself back down to the floor. “Are you trying to shove me out the door? Am I that bad?”

Noir shook her head and gave me a crooked smile. “You are not terrible.” Her smile faded. “I only say that you may leave whenever you like because you must still talk to Luna about Chief Graham.”

“Better get comfy, then, because I don’t really wanna have that talk.”

Noir shook her head before stepping closer to me. I stepped back and she stepped forward. That continued for a good five minutes before I walked into a wall, which gave Noir enough time to say goodbye before placing her hand on my forehead. My eyes closed against my will and when I opened them, I was in the castle gardens. I sighed and started stretching since everything hurt from being stuck in the same position for hours on end. About five hours had passed while I was in my mindscape, so I still had plenty of midnight oil left to burn.

I wandered around the castle, dreading the conversation that I was going to be forced to have until a Night Guard stopped me and told me to head to the Court Hall. I was tempted to tell him to fuck off and roll over, but the guy was just doing his job and that would have been quite rude, so I pretended to head with him to the Court Hall and ditched his arse, cold. I sped through side hall after side hall until I slowed down and started paying attention to where I was. Unfortunately, I happened to be in an unfamiliar part of the castle, and I had gotten there pretty quickly. I wandered around some more until I spotted two guards on patrol. I gave them a wave until they started jogging toward me, tipping me off that they were looking for me. I waited until they came close.

“Evening, gents. Can I help you with something?”

The guards saluted me and the older looking one said, “Sir, we’ve been asked to escort you to the Court Hall by Princess Luna.”

“I thought so. I was just heading there, actually, and got severely lost. I’m assuming you two know the way?”

They traded a look. “...We were told that you might be less than cooperative.” The elder fellow said.

“I’m a pretty cooperative guy most days. What are you guys called? Like, what are your names?” I asked.

The older fellow spoke first and saluted again. “My name is Dune Bug, sir.”

“M-My name is S-Silver Storm.” The younger fellow saluted when his companion nudged him. When he nudged him harder, Silver stumbled and looked at him. “What did I do?” He whispered under his breath.

Dune just shook his head. “I apologize for Silver Storm, sir, he’s a new recruit.”

“Don’t worry about it. And please stop calling me sir, that feels super weird.” I requested.

“That would be against protocol, sir.” Dune informed me.

“Right. Well, Dune, Silver. Shall we get a move on?” I asked.

Dune Bug lead the way and Silver stayed behind me. It wasn’t a very long walk, sadly, so I told some jokes. “So two guards walk into a bar. The third one ducks and says ‘I guess you guys set the bar pretty low’.”

Silver chuckled until Dune whipped around and gave him a stern glare. Silver shut up and we started walking again. “So a man and a woman, or rather, a mare and a stallion are arguing on Hearts and Hooves Day. The stallion tells his mare that all he wants from her is a kiss. His mare gives him a kiss and he says ‘Not from those lips’.”

Silver snickered again, but caught himself before Dune could give him another look. “So a stallion lives next to a lesbian couple. He’s been a great neighbor, so the mares next door offer to get him a Hearth’s Warming Day present, but they want to know what he wants. He tells them ‘I wanna watch,’ and so they get him a pocket watch for the holiday. They never understood why he was disappointed.

Dune was the one to snicker this time, but Silver dropped the ball entirely. He doubled over, holding his stomach and Dune circled back to tell him to straighten the ‘buck’ up. I took my chance while his back was turned to run, but I quickly found myself running up steps. I stopped and looked up those steps to see Luna.

“Oh. Hullo Lulu. Heard you wanted to talk to me.” I said, forcing a smile.

Luna glared at me. She was silent for a minute. “I can believe that you would be unwilling to have this talk, but I cannot believe that you would go so far as to run from one of my guards.”

“Hey! In my defense, I was on my way back here with two of your guards. Ask Silver Storm and Dune Bug, they’ll tell you I was complying.”

Just ask I finished my sentence, the sound of two people running in armor echoed through the hall. Luna glared at me until Dune and Silver were kneeling in front of the dais. “Your Highness! We have failed you!” Dune called out.

“Look up, you foal.” Luna snapped.

Dune and Silver looked up and I waved at them. “Hello fellows.”

“Was Maximus complying when you were escorting him here?” Luna boomed.

Dune gulped. “Y-Yes, Your Majesty, he was. He was telling jokes up until he disappeared.”

“Which was totally your fault by the way. Shame on you for robbing these…” Luna rose from the throne and started coming toward me, her posture absolutely lethal. “Poor.. Guys…” Luna stood in front of me and swung a hand faster than my eyes could follow. My cheek blossomed in pain.

“EVERYPONY IN THIS ROOM WHO ISN’T A PRINCESS OR A HUMAN LEAVES. NOW.” Luna shouted. People scrambled to follow her orders and about ten seconds later, everyone was gone besides myself and Luna. Speaking of Luna, she was still glaring at me. “Now, are we going to-”

I swung my tentacle and slapped the shit out of her. “Who the fuck do you think you’re putting your goddamn hands on Luna? Be happy that I waited until your staff was out of here to do that.” I snarled.

Luna rubbed her cheek and looked at me, her eyes wide. “The last seven times I have been slapped, they were all by Celestia over the course of two thousand years.”

“That’s because too many people are willing to put up with that shit. You already fucking know that I’m not one of them, so keep your fucking hands to yourself.” I said hotly.

“...I will keep that in mind. I apologize.” Luna said quietly.

“Apology accepted. I’m sorry for using telekinesis when you used your hand, but keep in mind that you’re a lot stronger than I am.”

“Apology accepted, I suppose. It’s easy to forget that an angry slap could end your life.” Luna stated. I forgot about that.

“Yeah, don’t forget that please.”

Luna sighed. “You’re not getting out of this talk.”

And I’m not going into it. The talk was painful enough as it was. Tears were shed, a complete meltdown was had, and Luna eventually had to sedate me to get me to stop freaking the fuck out. I’m not proud of how I acted, but the deeper I went, the more I remembered and none of it was pleasant. If you absolutely must know what happened, kill yourself and move on to the next life, because there’s no way I’m telling anyone I don’t have to in this one.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The morning came and I felt like absolute shit. I woke up in an unfamiliar room, disoriented and still half asleep, my muscles aching something fierce. I’d gone off the deep end the night before and I was suffering for it now. I dragged myself out of bed despite my soreness and got into the bathroom so I could do some dry heaving. The mirror told me that I looked every bit as bad as I felt, so I hopped in the bath and soaked for a while until some maid came in.

“Sir Maximus?” She asked from the door.

“Yes?” I croaked from the tub.

“The Princesses sent me to collect you for lunch. Is there anything I can assist you with?” The maid asked kindly. “Maybe some hair of the dog that bit you?”

“Not a hangover,” I answered hoarsely. “Leave and I’ll get out.”

“Oh, I can help you!” She offered cheerfully.

I gave her a look. “Get the fuck out of here before I throw something at you.”

She gulped and clasped her hands together. “Are you sure you don’t need anything? nothing is too much to ask!”

I looked at her and thought ‘goawaygoawaygoawaygoaway’

The maid seemed to grow increasingly uncomfortable, though whether it was the fact that I was staring at her or the Dark Magic, I don’t know. “I-I’m just gonna…” She trailed off and literally ran out of the room. I sighed and started getting out of the tub, my muscles still sore from my bullshit despite the soak.

I didn’t have any other clothes with me, so I just put on the ones that I’d had on the day before because I didn’t want to go around naked. Once I got dressed and prepared, I went to open the door, only to find that there were four Day Guards standing there.

“Can I help you?” I practically whispered.

One of them stepped forward. “We’ve been sent to escort you to lunch.”

I limped out of my room and started heading in the direction of the Dining Hall, doing my best to pump out as much Dark Magic as I possibly could. I had a vague idea of where it was focused (somewhere around my navel) so it was easier to draw on it than it had been before, now that I knew where I was pulling from. The guards slowly but surely started giving me a wider birth until the point where they were dodging pieces of art on the sides of the halls and pillars. I didn’t let up since I didn’t want to be fucking bothered in the first place, and I knew that I was just being a dick at this point, but I couldn’t bring myself to feel bad. They might have just been doing their jobs, but I never told them to be fucking guards now did I? If their day on the job was sucking because of me, then they should have picked a different career.

A guard went to announce my presence before I entered the Dining Hall, but I dragged him away from the door and opened it myself. His buddies crowded around him when I set him down, so I was able to enter the Dining Hall without any extra bullshit once inside, I slammed the door and trudged over to my usual spot, plopping my arse down without a word to Celestia or the servants in the room. One of the servants came over and tapped my shoulder.

“Sir? You’re supposed to-” The butler guy started.

“I was supposed fucking what, mate? Tell me.”

He gulped and backed away slowly. I turned to Celestia and said, “Is this lunch or is this some bullshit that I’m not dealing with?”

Celestia sipped her drink and set it down calmly. “This is lunch, Max. Please do not intimidate my staff.”

“If they didn’t want to be told to fuck off, then they should stay the fuck away.” I snarled.

“I assure you that your attitude is completely unnecessary.” Celestia said evenly.

“Then send me home if you don’t wanna fuckin’ deal with it.”

“I would, but we have something to discuss. Should this wait until later?” She asked.

“No shit.”

“... I was planning on scolding-” No you weren’t. Not anymore.

“Shut the fuck up already. I’m tired of looking at you.” I spat before leaving.

I immediately regretted being such a prick since no one had given me a particularly good reason, but I was so exhausted and felt so hurt, vulnerable, and exposed that I just wasn’t willing to put up with the slightest amount of nonsense today, so after letting myself out of the dining room, I let myself out of the castle and headed toward the train station until I was teleported back into the Court Hall. I stood face to chest with Celestia, so I took a step back.

“Are we gonna have a fuckin’ problem, love? Because we can have a fuckin’ problem.” I hissed.

Celestia glowered at me. “I’ll not have you acting like this in my own damned castle without an explanation Luna told-” Celestia’s eyes widened. “Are you seriously using Dark Magic against me?” I’m sorry...

“If you couldna fuckin’ told already, I ain’t in the fuckin’ mood, so shove yer rubbish up yer arse and leave me the bloody fuck alone!” I bellowed as loud as I could. It was barely above conversation volume, but my point got across.

Celestia just looked at me sadly. “I’ll see you soon, friend.” I’m so sorry...

“Hold your breath, do us both a favor.” I snarled hatefully.

Celestia closed her eyes and snapped her fingers. I was standing in the middle of Twilight’s library for some odd reason. I was just about to leave when Twilight grabbed my hand with her magic and said, “Wait! Max, where are you going?”

I tried to snatch my hand away from her, but to no avail. “Home.” I said roughly.

“...You’re not okay, and I you’re not going to talk about it. I understand. Just please stay here with me and don’t do anything rash, okay?” Twilight pleaded.

I froze and my breathing picked up before I could speak. I couldn’t control my voice, so shakily, I said, “Twilight. I need you to promise me something right now.”

“Anything within my power, I’ll do it.” She swore. There wasn’t even a hint of doubt in her voice.

“...Don’t betray me after this. Leave me, hurt me, hate me; Just don’t betray me.” I begged quietly.

Twilight let my hand go and teleported to my side. “I swear that I will never willingly betray you Maximus. I can’t say that I won’t because I don’t know what that means to you, but I love you. If I ever did hurt you like that… I don’t know how I would live with myself. I’ll do my best to protect you, just like you would do for me, and though I may not live as long as you… I want you to remember me, Max. I want you to remember your days with me as some of the happiest in your life. I know it’ll be hard near the end of my time, but I truly do want to grow old with you, even if I have to share you with Rarity and Fluttershy. I guess the girls will grow old together… and…” Tears streamed down her face and my heart broke in half all over again.

I embraced Twilight and kissed her, and it felt… Safe. I felt like I was so safe, loved, and cared for that the thought of losing that made me want to cry, but the sheer joy I felt because I had it for right now blew everything else out of the water. It was a high like no other, and there wasn’t a shadow of a doubt in my mind that Luna and Noir essentially forcing me to talk about what happened was the right choice. After all, It had brought me into Twilight’s house at the perfect fuck mothering moment. This moment gave me fucks to give. I started caring again. I wasn’t magically healed of all of my emotional scarring and baggage or anything like that, but I had something to live for now. I was glad I couldn’t die, because that meant I could live on with Twilight, as terribly mushy as that sounds. This sapfest has gone on long enough, moving on.

We pulled away from each other at the same time, if that tells you how universally driven this shit was. I cleared Twilight’s and she wiped away mine, though I hadn’t realized that I’d been crying. “I never noticed dark your eyes were. It’s like looking at the Everfree when the sun is setting. They're so vivid”

I felt a twinge behind my eye, which I assumed was Noir knocking about. “Twilight, I would love to tell you how incomprehensibly beautiful you are, but I need to spill my secrets to you before I lose my nerve.”

Twilight blinked. “What? You mean, like, all of them?”

I pursed my lips, looked up and thought about it. I nodded. “Yup. Is Spike home?”

She blinked rapidly a few more times. “Uh, no, he’s going to spend the day over at Applejack’s with Rarity, Sweetie Belle and Applebloom. Applejack and Rarity are chaperoning.”

“Lovely. Let’s get some tea on the kettle and I’ll get spilling. So when Applejack beat me up that one time, she actually killed me, but Luna used some Dark Magic to bring me back to life. I mean, it was unnecessary since I can’t die for the next three hundred or so years like, at all, but that's a different secret.”

Twilight looked at me, agape. “Max, what.”

I took her hand and started tugging her her toward the kitchen. “I’ll explain everything. Just ask, and I’ll give you the absolute truth.”

Twilight followed me in shock. “Did you just say Applejack killed you?”

“Yup. Dead as a opossum. I came back to life, so it’s all cool. I already forgave her for it anyways.” I shrugged and we entered the kitchen. Twilight was just standing around, so I started making some tea. I’m not going to explain the process, so fucking guess or something if you don’t know.

“And Luna brought you back to life with Dark Magic?” She asked incredulously.

“Yes ma’am, she sure did.” I leaned against the counter and looked at her.

Okay, I get the last part too, I’m just having a hard time processing.” Twilight pinched the bridge of her nose.

“Take your time, love. We’re in no rush.” I tried to clear my throat. “Do you mind if I take a moment to meditate? It’ll make my healing factor kick in faster.”

“Yeah, I’ll… I’ll watch the tea.” Twilight said numbly.

“... I shouldn’t have started with the Applejack thing.”

“No, no. If that’s the hardest blow, then I think the rest is going to be okay.” Twilight sighed and gave me a half smile.

I pursed my lips. “It’s probably the second hardest one, but it’s not the only one involving our friends.”

“Darn it!” Twilight huffed. She walked over to the wall and leaned against it. “This is going to be a long night, isn’t it?”

I looked at the clock on the wall. “Love, it’s only two thirty in the afternoon

Twilight looked out of the window over the sink and sighed. “At least I’m spending time with you, though I’m a little irritated that you stopped calling me ‘cherry’. I thought it was cute.”

“I switched to love because I’ll only ever call you that. Any other woman can be sweetie, hun, or whatever, but you’re the first love in my heart, forever and always.” I said honestly.

Twilight clutched her hands to her heart. “Aww, that’s so sweet! I still prefer cherry, but that’s sweet!”

I chuckled. “Cherry it is. I’m going to go sit on the couch.”

I went to go do the thing that I just said that I was going to do because I said I said I was going to go do it and had myself a seat on the couch. Three deep breaths later, and I was in my mindscape, standing in the middle of my old hangout with Maxwell. It was littered with snacks and various game systems. We’d been squatting in the house ever since the landlord died and no one had ever cut off the power or the electricity, so it was a safe place for the six months that we spent there. Our old hammock stands were still in the middle of the living room, and the TV and game systems we’d stolen were all hooked up. Noir was sitting in front of said TV, playing Borderlands 2, a game that Maxwell and I had beaten the ever loving shit out of on eight different occasions with all of the DLC bullshit. Thankfully we could steal wifi from the neighbors during the hours we were actually awake after we’d snuck into their house and had a look at the password. We’d had a pretty sweet set up, come to think of it.

I sat down next to Noir and conjured up a controller. “Seriously, how is this happening?”

Noir paused the game and gave me a warm smile before pulling me in for a hug. “Simply blame magic as you always do when you don’t understand something. You can play the game freely since your mind is attuned to the mechanics, but there are limitations to what you can do. You can play, but I have not figured out how to fill in the blanks of the video game yet. Soon, I will be able to create my own that you can play!”

“Holy shit, are you serious? Can we really play video games in here?” I asked, ecstatic.

The TV, consoles, and controllers all disappeared and Noir gave me a ‘Are you really that gullible?’ look. “Of course not.”

“...That was cruel. That was so, so cruel.”

The things reappeared and Noir unpaused the game. “How would you phrase it? I’m simply ‘fucking with you, mate’.” She said with my accent, which was surprisingly natural coming from her.

“I both hate you and the fact that you can pull off the English thing pretty well.” I gave her a look.

“Pip pip, cheerio!”

“I fucking hate you.”

Noir laughed and handed me the controller. “Give it an hour and see how you feel.”

“Since when did you get all whimsical and shit?” I asked petulantly. I hated playing as Axton.

“Since you became prepared to take an arrow to the knee.” Noir squeezed me. “I’m so proud of you for deciding to share your heart with Twilight!”

I paused and hugged her back since I doubted that she was letting go without it. “Thanks, Noir, I appreciate your genuine happiness.” I sighed. “I can meditate again later or something and we can play more Borderlands. I know you want to talk.”

Noir beamed and we appeared in a sitting room in the old castle. “I was hoping that you would be receptive! How does it feel?” She asked eagerly.

I conjured up a cup of cocoa for her and some coffee for myself. It was less Joe and more Josephine, but I wanted something blond and sweet to remind me of my sweet. After my first sip, I realized that Twilight drank it about as dark as I did these days, so I switched back to Joe and took another sip. There we go.

“It feels incredible. It’s like I just figured out what I want, and not on a short term scale. I want to be with Twilight. Hell, I want to be with her right now, but I know I’ve got to give my body a break.” I sighed.

Noir sipped her cocoa and smiled. “This is good. The drink and your love for Twilight. I am glad that I told Luna to expect a psychotic episode.”

“So am I, though I just wish that she would have sedated me sooner. How do I remember that, anyways?”

“I can help your memory fill in some blanks. You could most likely recall any conversation you’ve had since you’ve been to Equestria if you want to add more detail to your journals.”

“Eh, I’ll think about it. Unless I’m really struggling to remember something, don’t plug it in. It feels kinda like cheating.”

“But?” She asked.

“Well, I like playing to win, but I add as much detail as I want into my journals already.”

She scoffed. “I would ask why you’re lazy, but that isn’t really true.”

I shook my head at her. “So how did you know that having Luna make Celestia talk to me the morning after that shit show was going to get me sent to Twilight’s so we could fall face first into serious love?”

“I did not orchestrate any of that. I knew that having Celestia talk to you would be the right decision, but I did not realize that you would lash out as you did. I forgot to take into account your hatred of feeling weak, and I apologize for it.”

“Forgiven. It worked out for the best in the end. At least when you make mistakes, good shit happens.” I said flatly. “So what would talking to Celestia accomplish?”

“I thought you loved her more than you do. Another miscalculation on my part. I have learned from my mistakes, however.”

I raised my brows and pursed my lips. “Yeah, it gets a little harder to love someone after they pound your arse with that betrayal hammer.”

“You nearly fell for it anyway. At least you know the warning signs of disingenuous love now.” Noir stated.

“So do you think Celestia actually can love me, or do I need to shut that down?”

“Celestia does love you, she is just a warped individual. Your seventy five year estimate was the appropriate one, though I would tell her that you would not wish to leave Twilight for her at the end of her life.” Noir advised.

“Sounds like a good plan to me. I should be more shy of giving her another shot, but I know Twilight’s going to scorn the fuck out of her as it is. What do you think Celestia is going to do when she finds out?”

“All I can say is that you should keep Twilight quiet for the time being. She will most likely cease her correspondence with Celestia immediately, so expect her within the week.”

“Right. Do you think I should be coming clean entirely to Twilight?”

Noir gave me a warm smile, but didn’t give me an answer. I was about to ask why the deal was when I felt something on my shoulder. I looked over and saw nothing, so I looked back to Noir for an answer. She waved to me and I felt my eyes begin to close. When I opened them again, I was looking at Twilight.

“Hullo cherry. How are you?” I asked.

Twilight smiled. “You already sound better! The tea is ready to drink, but I wanted to wait until you came out of meditation of your own. I would have waited longer, but it’s already four, and Spike’s supposed to be back soon.”

“It’s fine, I was just finishing up a conversation anyway. Where did we leave off on the secrets?” I uncrossed my legs and Twilight sat down next to me.

She grimaced. “You were just telling me about how Applejack really did kill you.”

“Right. So sometime after that, I got sent on my first mission to Gryphonia. I think that was just before I came back to Ponyville, actually, so I was a little fucked in the head when I came back. While in Gryphonia, Celestia and Luna wanted me to steal something called the Diadem of Sovereignty, so I did that, but I ended up killing like, seven people while I was there in a street fight.”

“I remember that! You told us that when you gathered us up after forgiving Applejack for… Well, not almost killing you, I guess...”

“Yeah. So let’s see… After that, there was the time I killed a like, thirty something Kobolds. Fuck those guys, they’re necrophiles.”

Twilight turned a little green. “Does that word mean I what I think it means?”

“Sadly, yes. Which is why I killed a lot of them.” I answered matter of factly.

“Okay. Go on.”

“There was the second time I died,” Pain lanced through my chest, “and someone’s telling me that I’m not allowed to talk to you about that, so we’re going to skip it. You know the important stuff anyways.”

“Who’s telling you not to talk?” Twilight asked.

I looked up and waited. “Apparently-” There was the pain, “nevermind. Can’t say.” I gasped.

She looked worried, but I assured her that I would be fine. “Alright… So what else is there?”

“The second time I went to Gryphonia, I got that weird scar you always talk about. It actually spells out ‘Kingslayer’.” I pushed my sleeve up to show her.”

“Oh! I knew that couldn’t be a natural scar, but why do you have it?”

I gave her a look. “I killed Adolf, the Gryphon King. I put his wife, Elfriede in power, and now she wants to sleep with me. I’d still like to give her a try, but if you don’t want me to, then that’s the end of it.”

“Keep it down to a mare a month and I’ll let it slide.” Twilight shook her head.

“I can do that. Maybe some processing time before we move on?” I asked.

“Sounds good to me.” Twilight sighed. She grabbed her tea and I followed suit. It had gotten cold, but it wasn’t like it was terrible.

Twilight laid her head on my shoulder and I felt my heart skip a beat. “You know, I never realized just how much you carry on your shoulders, but there’s still even more to come.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot to add in that Rarity kinda sorta raped me.”

Twilight sighed hard. “Oh dear.”

“It was most likely an accident, if it makes you feel any better. She slipped me some love poison and did the same thing to herself somehow and we ended up doing the bedroom waltz.”

“So why hasn’t Rarity said anything about it? I can guess why you haven’t, but not her. I thought guilt would be eating her up if that was the case.”

“I’ll get to why I’m the only one who even knows in a little bit. More processing time?”

“Definitely.”

I laid my cheek against Twilight’s head and waited patiently for her to collect her thoughts. I sipped the tea some more since I’d gone through the trouble of making it in the first place and wondered what Noir was doing. I figured she was probably beating the shit out of The Warrior by now since she’d made so much progress when I’d last seen her. From what I’d seen, Noir was a natural with video games, though I suspected that she had borrowed some of my previous prowess. While I was thinking about firing round after round into some Psycho’s face, Twilight lifted her head.

“Max, why were you so torn up when you came over? And why did you try to leave?”

“I’ll save that for the end since that’s the most painful thing to talk about. Why don’t we move on to Celestia screwing with our memories on multiple occasions? That’s why I’m the only one who knows that Applejack and Rarity have done some serious shit to me. When I told you girls about how I was actually Roxy the entire time, I mentioned that Celestia had turned me into a woman as a punishment and you did something that made her come through and starting wiping minds. I caught her before she could get to me, which is when we broke up and that’s the real reason why we broke up. Celestia’s dark in ways that even I can’t fathom, but she’s trying to change, so withhold judgement on her for the time being, and don't do anything that would tell her that you know. I don’t want to have to kill Celestia for messing with you again.”

“...You’re saying that my Celestia did all that?” Twilight asked softly.

I threw an arm around her and hugged her. “She’s not all bad, love. Remember the caring, thoughtful teacher you grew up with. That’s Celestia too. She fucked up big time, but she’s got to run a country, Twilight, and that’s not a job you can do with your hands clean.”

Twilight buried her head in her hands. “Oh my gosh… My teacher uses forbidden magic like it’s a fucking levitation spell!”

“Oh dear, bad words. Someone’s still upset.”

“How could I not be, Max!? How could Celestia do that to you, and how could you forgive her!?”

I took Twilight’s chin in my hand and turned her face towards me. I wiped away her tears and looked into her eyes. “Twilight, you and the girls taught me that holding onto my anger kills me and the ones close to me. That’s why I even bother to forgive people, cherry, because you showed me that holding something against someone when they’re sincerely apologetic is just stubborn and foolhardy. Celestia is truly trying to change-”

“Max, the mare I’ve looked up to all my life has used forbidden magic against me, my friends, and you. I don’t see how you expect me to let something like that go.”

“I don’t, not right now. I’m hoping that I can dissuade you from teleporting into the castle and getting trouble started.”

Twilight glared, but I knew it wasn’t directed at me. “I have half a mind to, but since you asked me not to…”

I gave her a kiss that I may have extended a bit longer than necessary. I’d been honest before when I’d said that they were addicting. When we parted, I said, “Thank you, cherry. It means a lot to me.”

“She’s not getting another letter from me anytime soon.” Twilight warned.

“That’s fine, I just want you to teleport to me if she does come, however. The second you see her, come to me.”

Twilight took my hand in hers and held it firmly. “I will.”

From there, I moved on to the fun part, explaining everything that had happened last night. I’d come clean to Twilight about my total kill count, suicide attempts, and self harming, and I hated to see the pain that I put her through. A slightly sick part of me reveled in the fact that she was grieving for me, but I chalked that up to love being fucked up sometimes. Once she’d stopped crying about the things I’d told her, I launched into an abridged, much less detailed version of what happened with Chief Graham. After a lot more crying on both of our parts, Spike came home and found us bawling our fucking eyes out.

He went back outside.

I noticed and laughed at that until Twilight asked me what I was laughing about. I told her and she got a few giggles out of that, though she was still disturbed by what I’d told her. She wanted to help me process it some more, but I told her that the fact that I didn’t lose my shit when I told her about it meant that I was already making progress from last night.

Once were were done going through my stash of things I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone, it was dark and Spike came back. I had him send a letter to Celestia for me and bid Twilight goodnight. She asked me to stay with her, but I told her that I was going to go grab some clothes and what not since I’d worn the same set two days in a row. I made the walk back to my house nice and quick, though Celestia was already there, waiting for me.

“First things first: I apologize for being such a rotten prick earlier. I was unnecessarily cruel and quite the bastard, but I would like to say-”

Celestia held her hand up. “Luna explained everything to me over dinner. I don’t know why she didn’t do so earlier, but it’s done now. You’re forgiven, Max, though I’m still upset about your self harming.”

“It’s not happening again, so don’t worry about it. If Twilight ever found out I was doing it again, she’d probably avoid me for a month and I’m not willing to deal with that.”

Celestia raised a brow. “Surely Fluttershy and Rarity would also object?”

“I’m sure they would if they knew, but I’m not telling them anytime soon. I pick Twilight.”

She blinked. “What do you mean you pick Twilight?”

“I mean that she’s the one I need. If I lose Twilight, there isn’t a tomorrow. She is my reason to be here right now.”

There was pain in Celestia’s eyes, but it vanished within an instant. “I’m so happy for you, Max! Tell Twilight that I wish the two of you the best of luck.”

“Yeah, I’d love to, but she hates you.” I said simply.

“...You didn’t.”

“I have no secrets from Twilight. She’s not going to come after you or say anything, but she knows.”

Celestia's face went blank for a minute before she turned around and screamed, pulling at her hair with some ferocity. After a good, long go at it, she composed herself and turned back to face me. “I guess I’ll have to trust your judgement, won’t I?” She said through a tight smile.

“You don’t have to maintain a facade, Celestia. Just be upset.”

“Oh, buddy, you don’t know how badly I want to send you to the bucking Moon right now. It would take five seconds, if that.” Celestia chuckled.

I crossed my arms and gave her a warm smile. “You really are trying to change. I’m proud of you, hun.

Celestia stopped laughing and the energy seemed to drain from her body. She sat down in my easy chair, so I pulled the lounge chair up next to her and had a seat. “You know that you vex me to no end, right?” Celestia asked.

“It’s a part of the charm.” I replied.

She gave me a look and sighed. “I was rather fond of Twilight.”

“She will forgive you in time, I just suggest that you wait a little while. And if you go to see her and she teleports away, just come find me in like, five minutes. I’ll talk to her and see if I can get her to be more reasonable.”

“Ugh, maintaining and rebuilding relationships was so much easier when I just allowed myself to delve into someone’s mind.”

I patted her shoulder. “But delving into people’s minds against their will is a big no-no, right?”

“Right.” She sighed some more. “Are you sure I can’t, just this once?” She asked playfully.

“I’m sure, and all jokes aside, I would probably come for you if I found out.”

“Noted. I’ll make sure to keep things natural between Twilight and I.” Celestia promised.

“I’ll hold you to that.” I told her.

“Of course. Is there any other horrible, relationship ruining news you have for me?”

“Well, only if you consider the fact that I want don’t want to leave Twilight when her time is on the horizon relationship ending. It’s more like sticking to the timeline I originally set for us, anyways.”

Celestia snapped lazily. “Damn, I knew I wasn’t going to get away with fifty years. What happens if Twilight lives longer than expected because of your semen or something?”

“Then I pump her full of it and we see how long she can keep it inside. Or we see how much we can swallow, I’m honestly down for both.”

“You’re a vulgar man at times, but at least you find your love sexually attractive. That fades in some relationships, but for some reason, I doubt it will with Twilight. Have you seen her mother? Velvet is still a beautiful woman at her age.”

“Once upon a time, I thought about charming her. Then I realized that would be absolutely terrible for the family dynamic if I was the brother-son-stepdad.”

“What if you were the sister-daughter-stepmom? Night Light isn’t exactly hard on the eyes and Shining is quite handsome.”

“Night Light is a pool shark and Shining Armor has a ten foot pole rammed up his rear at most given times. I’m good.” I protested.

“What does Night Light being good at pool have to do with anything?” Celestia asked.

“Nothing really, I’m just upset about our last game. The fucker jumped three balls in a row and sank every shot just because he could!”

“Get good.”

“Fuck you so much right now.”

“Are you mad?”

“Seriously, what the Hell?”

“What? I’m just giving you advice and asking if you’re upset.” Celestia said simply.

“Right. Fucking Ponies.”

“What did we do?” She asked.

“You made my life complicated as fuck, and now you’re memeing all over my back like I’m some cheap hooker that you caught hanging around outside a seedy pub.”

“...What?”

“Don’t think about it too hard, you might get a headache. I’ve got to grab some clothes and get to Twilight. Is there anything else you wanted to talk about?” I asked politely.

She looked at the ceiling for a minute before she asked,“...Why did you tell Luna, but not me?”

“Because Noir, my half of Nightmare Moon, told Luna without my permission. I tried to dodge the conversation for as long as I could, but Luna teleported me into the throne room after I tried to give some more of her guards the slip.” I explained.

“Oh. I actually feel better now.” Celestia said.

“Fucking rad, dude. Totally tubular.”

“Disgusting. That is disgusting language and I refuse to listen for a second longer. Goodbye, you fiend,” Celestia snarled playfully.

“Bye bye darling, until we meet once more”

I saw her eyes roll before she teleported away. I shrugged and decided to get a move on, so I headed upstairs and got the necessary shit done. Once I grabbed a shower, I grabbed my crap and tried to dry my hair as much as possible so it wouldn’t freeze on the way to Twilight’s. Honestly, I needed to cut it since it was shoulder length now, but there wasn’t a barber open at the moment, so it would have to wait until tomorrow. I usually just kept it in a ponytail, so I decided to solve the majority of the problem by gathering up all of my hair and slicing it off with The Warbling Blade. For some reason, it felt rather odd in my hand, so I tried putting it down and picking it up again. The tingling sensation persisted, and I remembered what Noir and Luna had said about catalysts for my magic, so I tried pulling some from my reservoir and pushing it into the blade. There wasn’t an aura, but the blade grew narrower, almost as if it were a stiletto. I waved it around in the air and noticed that I left little blue lines in the air, so I poked one of the lines and was blow back onto the ground by the force of the gust.

I decided to not try that again in favor of focusing the Dark Magic around the blade instead of in it and it broadened past its normal size, forming something like a small kukri. It was an odd little thing, so I assumed that it was the form that suited the intimidation aura. I let my magic draw back into me and placed the blade back in its sheath.

I had me a catalyst.

Author's Notes:

One All-Nighter and you get 28k words in a day. Hype.

Listened to this while writing a scene, so shit got sappy. You'll probably know which one.

https://youtu.be/W2TE0DjdNqI?list=RDEMwbQsojEA5YMbM6S1bFGdPQ

Max has picked Twilight.

As Always, Stay Cool, Kids.