As one might imagine, I was a little pissed off about getting rushed by a blue whatever-the-fuck, but I was especially pissed since I lost my new favourite stick and got sent hurtling across open land, getting grass stains all over my Goddamn clothes and generally just getting it in the everywhere by the bony bullshit bitch that tried to break my butt. I was a special kind of salty when we stopped sliding, but that had taken a few seconds and whoever hit me was practically riding on my chest and stomach like I was a fucking boogie board or some shit.

When we actually stopped I opened my eyes and glared p at the blue-skinned cunt that had crashed into me and ridden me in the least fun way I’ve ever experienced. “Whoa, dude! Are you okay?”

“Fuggin’ gerrof!” I grunted.

She got off with and said, “Tch. Don’t have to be a jerk about it, dude.”

“You fuckin’ blue ditch rat! The fuck did you tackle me for!? Seriously!?” I outraged, getting to my feet, pissed to all Hell.

“I didn’t do it on purpose! You should have gotten out of the way!” The bitch barked back.

“Woman- You gotta be takin’ the piss right now. You’re telling me that you were running and couldn't stop? On flat ground? Like, do your legs work?” I asked, being as demeaning as I could.

Her face flushed and she spread her wings. “I was flying, dumbass.”

I gaped. “Holy shit-” I glanced up at the top of her head and saw two horse-like ears. “Holy shit! What the fuck are you?”

“What the fuck am I? What the fuck are you? I’ve never seen a Pony with a coat as patchy and weird-colored as yours, and where are your ears, dude?”

I tilted my head and tapped one. “In the normal place for a Human’s ear to be, which is not the top of your head. My God, I’m either talking to a freak of nature, an alien, or some eldritc magic shit… I need a fuckin drink.” I groaned.

“Tch. Maybe if you were a little less douchey, I’d buy you one.” The twat said flatly.

“It’d be a start on that apology. Honestly, were you just pulling out of a suicide dive or something?” I asked irritably.

Rainbow’s jaw dropped. “Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you talking about dude? I’m chill, I’m just a little irritated about you ripping me a new one. There’s-”

“Nah, nah, you got it all wrong. I wasn’t calling you suicidal; I was asking if you were trying to get as close to the ground as possible without pulling up until the last possible second.”

“Oh. Nah, wasn’t doing that either. I was trying to ace a triple-corkscrew loop-de-loop backward-flash-dive. It would’ve worked out if some random thermal hadn't caught my wing and made me flun my last rotation in my last loop.” She grumbled bitterly.

“Right. So are you actually going to apologize, or am I going to have to stick a fist up your arse?” I asked testily. The blue, rainbow-haired bull-dagger looking tough-girl wasn’t exactly my type, so I wasn’t exactly feeling the love.

“Well sor~ry Mr. Whineypants. Gosh, get over yourself.” She snorted.

I hocked a loogie and spit it on the weird circular shoe she was wearing. “Fucking horse-beast. Stay the fuck away from-” She threw a punch at me that was actually pretty decent as far as scrapper types go. Sadly (And thankfully, I guess), I’d dodged faster punches from far heavier thugs in my twenty years, so I avoided getting it by Rainbow by using Dark Souls tactics on her and circle strafing while never letting her get too used to me being at a certain distance. She tried turning to face me every time, but apparently the horse-people weren’t exactly nimble of foot, or rather, fleethoofed. I figured that she’s probably be faster than me on foot since horse stamina and flying, so I started backing my way toward town.

It was a slow process since I was practically playing matador with the rainbow-haired chick, but when I got her into town, I fucking cut the bullshit after crossing her up so bad she fell face first into a cobblestone wall, so with that, I beat feat like the heat was on and did the thing I do best; run and hide. Well, I technically break into places, but I tend to run and hide while I’m inside so… You know wat? I’m just a regular Jack of all Trades when it comes to the thiefy bits. I left the blue bitch where she was and started ducking down alleys until I came out on the other side of town, which was a picturesque place to be. The rolling hills held patches of different flowers, and I knew that I saw some tasty looking sunflowers off in a patch of its own. I love me some sunflower seeds, but what I was more worried about was getting caught and having to fight someone who was probably only like, five feet tall, give or take. It would’ve reflected poorly on me if I’d up and stomped her face in, so I let it go and traveled through the town solo after taking my jacket off and letting my hair down.

Once I’d gotten my man-ribbon tied around my wrist, I actually saw the blue bitch talking animatedly to some orange Pony with an American cowboy hat and blonde hair. I took a moment to look at the fucking tail she had because I hadn't noticed it on the crash-course-cunt, and my eyes did wander a little bit. For a horse-thing, she had a bubble butt that I would have loved to get a handful of, but I didn’t let my eyes linger too long and kept walking around since I didn’t have much else to do. As I was strolling along, I ended up at the big, important looking building that I assumed was Town Hall or something akin to it.

I stopped a local and asked if I was allowed to go inside and the woman gave me an odd look. “Sweetheart, why wouldn’t you be allowed in?”

I shrugged. “Where I’m from, you only go to the Courthouse if you’re in trouble or someone you know is.”

The woman gave me a questioning look. “Are you from Bridleland or Scotchland? Your accent is very distinct.” You’ve never heard a blooded Ginger talk, have you?

“Neither, actually. I’m from Swindon, England.” I replied truthfully, a slight hope in my heart.

“Oh? I’ve never heard of England.” She said. “It’s not like I look at atlas’ all day, though.”

“Eh, it’s probably not on any map you’ll find here. It was nice meeting you Miss…?”

“I’m the local Milk Mare, Milky Way.” The blue haired woman said pleasantly.

I extended a hand and she shook it. “Name’s Maximus, but most people I like call me Max.” I gave her a little smirk.

Milky Way smiled and folded her arms, tempting me beyond levels a man shouldn’t be able to reach. I’m not even a breast man, but the poor ‘mare’s’ massive mammaries had me making sure that I thought of morbid moments. They had to be G-cups at least. “That’s a unique name. I’d love to talk to you some more, but I still have some errands to run.” She smiled apologetically.

I gave her an easy smile. “It’s been a pleasure, Milky Way.”

She giggled and flapped a hand at me. “Oh please, Milky will do just fine.”

“Milky then. I hope our paths cross again.” And I hope you make the milk.

Milky gave me a smile and we went our separate ways, though I didn’t end up going inside of the Town Hall. Instead, I asked around and found out that there was a library in town, which was probably going to be my best bet for gathering info on the world I found myself placed on. With a destination in mind, I had places to go and a librarian named Twilight Sparkle to visit, so I got to stepping, but after awhile, my left hand flew to my back pocket and my right to my chest. My ring and wallet were still where they were supposed to be, and in a rare moment of weakness, I allowed myself to dip into a back alley and take the necklace off.

I stared at the white gold and rubbed the tiny diamond that it held. My little reminder to stay strong. “... Hey Pops… Know it’s been a few years since I tried, but… I’m lost right now, Pops. I don’t know what I’m doing here. Got no food, no cash, no place to sleep.. Startin’ at rock bottom all over again-” I grit my teeth and blinked back the tears of anger and frustration as I clutched onto my mini life-ring, trying to keep my head above the flood while I waited to adapt; while I forced myself to come to terms with it, just like I had when I’d lost him. “I don’t know if you’re still with me, or if you ever even left, but… Adiuva me, pater. I need you now more than ever.” I kissed the diamond and put the necklace back on, giving myself three deep breaths to get a grip.

Talking it out had helped a little, so I kept my head on my shoulders and decided to take a detour on my route to the library. I palmed one of my cheap little throwing knives from my boot-sheathes and made my way back to Town Square since I’d seen the most people there. Plenty of marks were milling about, going between shops and stalls, but I wasn’t necessarily interested in ‘shopping’, so I went around and plied my trade. Tax me, faggot; it’s all under the table. Scoping marks had never been easier since the few people who weren’t pulling coins out of their hair (Yes, I’m not shitting you. That shit seriously happened dozens of times) were wearing actual coin purses that seemed fit to burst. The best thing about it? I’d checked a jewelry store earlier while I was just ambling about, looking for possible marks, and when I loitered around a little, I saw a couple with two coin purses fatter than your unfortunately hot, underage step sister’s cameltoe. Why your step mum lets her wear that stuff? I dunno, but stop looking you creep.

Anyway, I pulled a second knife from my other boot since I keep two in the left one and three in the right. My dirk stayed where it was in my left boot since it’s a last resort kind of deal, and as I walked straight in between the couple, they voiced some dissent and I called back, “Sorry! Wasn’t watching where I was going!”

I heard the snobby looking woman grumble as her husband (I assumed) told her to let it go since it wasn’t that big of a deal, but he just didn’t know. I ducked into another alley to count up my scratch, but little to my surprise, I had a hard time reading the language on the coin. I’d thought it was odd that the Ponies spoke English in the first place, but even their writing seemed to be like a bastardized form of the Latin Alphabet. I wouldn’t doubt that the coin either said ‘For Peace and Harmony’ or ‘Tor Bæue Kænog’, shit was that fucked up. The digits, however, were close enough to the Arabic ones, so that was nice, but I didn’t know how much any of the coins were worth, what they were called, and I didn't have many places to hide the purses, so I stuffed them into the coat of my jacket and got to stepping all over again.

I was feeling a little more confident since I was sure that I’d just robbed two of the richest people in the small town, so I probably had enough money to make life suck a little less. With that in mind, I went to the big tree in the middle of town, also known as he Golden Oak Library. I don’t know what kind of tree it actually was, but it sure as fuck wasn’t an oak. It honestly looked a weird combination of a redwood and a sugar maple, but I’m not exactly and arborist or anything. I just read a book about trees one day because I was bored and tend to have nerdy hobbies when I don’t have electricity. Anyway, even if the tree wasn’t an oak, I still had to take my happy arse inside so I could do me some book learnin’ before the liburry closed.

I didn’t think it was necessary to knock, so I opened the door and jolted a little along with the purple woman I’d almost hit. “Oh shite! Sorry about that, love.” I said quickly.

She smiled and chuckled. “We’re lucky I wasn’t a litt- Rainbow!” Her eyes shot open and I noticed that they seemed larger and more expressive than a Human’s, but she obviously wasn’t wearing makeup.

I was wondering why she was cowering from me maybe two seconds after shouting about a rainbow before I got tackled from behind and landed on her, pushing her over and, completely by accident, getting an eyeful of the light purple (Probably lavender. I’m not gay enough to know) panties she was wearing under her bitoned skirt. If I’d been a little less lucky (Or a little more. She was pretty damn cute), I would have gotten a faceful of her privates. Either way, I was pinned down beneath someone surprisingly heavy for being so damn small, and that surprisingly heavy person was trying to rabbit punch me like a fucking coward until someone pulled her off of me.

“Rainbow! If ya don’t get a hold of yourself, I’ll beat ya black and blue! Assaultin’ a buckin’ stranger for no reason!” A pissed off, Southern American voice barked harshly.

“That’s the guy I was telling you about! Look! You can see the grass stains on his coat!” ‘Rainbow’ replied like a little pissant.

I wasn’t happy. I was rather unhappy, which is why I drew two of my throwing knives and got some space between Rainbow and myself before throwing one of them at her with a vengeance. “Fuck OFF!”

“Argh!” Rainbow cried, clutching her bleeding right arm. “What the buck!?”

I drew my dirk and roared, “Leave me the fuck alone before I slit your Goddamn throat!”

Rainbow backed up and her orange friend put her blue buddy behind her. “Whoa, did you just draw blood over some punches!?” She asked incredulously.

“All that pumped up, half-witted, absolute retard has fucking done since we’ve met is be a Goddamn cunt! She crashes into me then has the fucking nerve to be mad about it! I was leaving a fucking forest with trees everywhere! What kind of shit-brained dumbarse flies at ridiculous speeds in a place where there are dense, hard, potentially lethal obstacles everywhere!? That’s not even mentioning that she followed me to town while trying to fight me! The cunt is fuck-ing psychotic!” I replied, making sure to get my feelings across properly.

The orange woman looked at Rainbow, then back at me, then back at Rainbow. “You know I believe him, right?”

Rainbow flushed. “Hey! That asshole just threw a knife at me!” She barked like the bitch she was.

“And you been tryin’ to pummel this guy all day, makin’ me look around town with you.” She said, her tone kind of reminiscent of a stereotypical pissed off Mum who was done dealing with bullshit. “I ain’t sayin’ he was right to draw steel, but you started this. Ain’t no doubt about it.”

“A-Applejack! Where’s your loyalty!?” Rainbow cried. Applejack? I wonder if she has some I can buy off of her.

“This ain’t about loyalty. This is about you bein’ bullheaded and gettin’ yourself hurt by someone scarier than you, so just get outta here and go to the hospital. I’ll catch up to give a real lecture. Trust me.” Applejack ended harshly.

Technicuntler Bitch- Rainbow puffed out her chest. “You’re not my Mom!”

The cowgirl gave her a ball shriveling look. “Go.”

“Right.” Blue Bitch squeaked, flying off faster than the laws of physics should’ve allowed.

I gaped for a second. “... Holy shite, d-did she just fly so fast she left a rainbow trail!?”

Applejack gave me the same look Lucille had given me the last time I’d seen her, which is to say, I was about to be in deep shit. “I’m gonna ask ya once and only once: Why are you here?”

I pointed at the ground. “I’m here specifically so I can learn more about this place. I’m from a different world.”

The purple woman gasped and startled me since I’d forgotten that she was there too. “Wait, are you saying that you’re an extra-equuestrial!? An honest to goodness alien!?”

I turned so I wouldn’t have to move my entire body to look at both of them as I put my knives away. “Yeah. I’m either an extra-terrestrial or an extra-dimensional. I might just be having one Hell of a fever dream though, so let’s not rule that one out.”

Applejack clicked her tongue. “The first thing ya do on a new planet is get in a fight?”

I gave her a look. “I tried letting that little shit wear herself out by just dodging around her, but she wouldn’t let enough be enough. I mean, like, is she that way all the time?”

The orange mare gave me a certain look. It was one of mild vexation with a spoonful of irritation. “Pretty much.”

The purple one sighed as I looked for the knife I threw at Rainbow, hoping that she’d been nice enough to pull it out and drop it. She wasn’t. “I’m sorry about Rainbow Dash, but why did you throw something sharp at her when Applejack pulled her off of you? It was effectively over.”

I turned to her. “It might be a cultural difference, but do you guys have hill-topping here?”

The purple horse-person tilted her head. “It means building a garish house on a hill to flaunt wealth, right?”

I looked at the stubby, fifteen or so centimeter long horn on her head and wondered if it was made of bone. “Nah, I’ve never heard of that. In the streets of my country, hill-topping is effectively shoving someone off of their high-horse with a show of force. If you’re nice like me, you fuck up the person who messed with you. If you’re a proper fuckhole, you lay out their family and cripple them for life.”

Her jaw dropped and she started backing away slowly, so I took a step away from her and raised my hands just before Applejack grabbed my arm. “You ain’t thinkin’ a’ goin’ after Rainbow’s family, are ya?”

“I’m happy to let it die here and now as long as she leaves me the fuck alone. I didn’t want to deal with abrasive arse anyway.” I replied honestly, looking at her hand. “Mind taking that off of me for a moment? I know you’re not trying to feel my muscles because they’re barely there.” She squeezed hard enough to make it hurt and I hissed through my teeth. Applejack let me go and I gave her a dirty look. “The fuck was that for?”

The cowgirl tilted her head at me, her brows furrowed. “I didn’t squeeze ya that hard, Sugarcube. Wouldn’t a’ done much more than bruise an apple.”

I rolled up my sleeve to see that yellow bruises were already forming where her fingers had been. “Yeah, those are bruises, but I’m not an apple.”

Applejack gave me a confused look. “I know you’re tellin’ the truth, but that don’t make sense.”

The purple one gasped again, but before she could speak, I asked, “Oi, what’s your name, love? I don’t think I’ve had a chance to catch it yet.”

She blinked. “Oh. I’m Twilight Sparkle.”

I gave her a smile. “Just the gal I was looking for, then. Everyone I talked to in town said you were the one to come to for information on history and modern culture.”

“That’s right. Twilight’s the smartest Pony in town, let alone the smartest mare between here and Gryphonia.” Applejack praised.

Twilight Sparkle blushed. “The modest side of me wants to deny that, but my test scores don’t lie…”

I chuckled. “There's no problem in taking pride in your talents and all that. As long as you don’t start showboating or bragging without anyone asking, you’ll probably be fine.”

Twilight wasn’t quite sold. “W-Well, why don’t we do something that we could both benefit from?” She asked.

I held a hand to my chest and gasped. “Why I never! To think you would be so forward with your devious intentions!”

The librarian sputtered and choked before coughing up a lung while her ‘friend’ stifled giggles and tried to disguise them as coughs. “I-I-I-I was-I-I wasn’t- I don’t- I’ve never even done that sort of stuff before!” The horned one protested.

Applejack gave up and lost her shit while I wore the straightest face I could conjure up. “All the more reason for you to try and seduce me.”

Twilight turned cherry red and I swear to God steam came out of her ears in little rings. “I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-Oh dear Celestia.” She promptly fainted and I raced to catch her, but when I got my arms around her, I had to planet my foot on the ground, struggling to hold her up.

Keep in mind that Twilight wasn’t much taller than Rainbow and had a good deal less muscle mass that the other woman. “Holy fuck! Why are you people so damn heavy!?”

Applejack came over and scooped her up casually. “Sugarcube, from what I seen so far, ya might wanna stay on your average Pony’s good side. It’s lookin’ like you’re awful frail compared to us.”

I rubbed the back of my head, feeling the knots on my noggin. “Yeah, you’re tellin’ me. I think the only chance I really got is to stick and move since you guys don’t seem to do too well with maneuverability.”

“I’d like ya better iffin ya didn’t do it at all.” Applejack said, carrying Twilight further into the Treebrary.

I scratched my head in the smallish lobby-like area before picking my jacket up off of the ground and following her lead. I’d left it on the floor after the fall since I’d only stashed one of the coin purses in a location that I’m not going to write down. After grabbing my shit, I followed Applejack and saw her trying to rouse Twilight from her ‘slumber’. She tried patting her cheek, tickling her, and playing with her nose, but Twilight was dead to rights. I came over and watched Applejack try a few more things before she put on her thinking cap and brainstormed away. Meanwhile, with me being a arse for a second, gave her two wet willies at the same time and she bolted awake

“Gah! Why are my ears wet!?” Twilight cried, pawing at them.

I frowned so I wouldn’t smile and Applejack gave me a dirty look. “It was Max. I don’t know where he got the water from, but I’m sure he won’t do it again.”

I cracked a shit-eating grin. “Not for the next few days, no.”

Applebottom’s look turned into a deadpan one. “I’ll give ya a pass this one time, but you should know that touchin’ a Pony’s ear is like grabbin’ a mare’s boob.”

“Wait, are you telling me I could've copped-” Applejack gave me a womanly look. Like, I’m pretty sure that look had ovaries.. “Copped out at anytime? Thanks for the heads up.”

“Is that really what you were gonna say?” Applejack deadpanned.

Twilight blushed as I said, “No, but why make trouble? I saw the look you gave me. It wasn’t worth pissing you off over a joke.” I scoffed.

The cowgirl nodded. “Ya might be a touch dangerous, but I get a decent feelin’ from ya. Might be a bit of a deviant, but ya don’t seem like a bad sort.”

Twilight huffed. “That’s easy for you to say! He most likely used saliva to wet his fingers!” She shivered and tried to clean her ears out some more.

I tried to keep a straight face while Applejack was glaring at me. “That’s just nasty.”

“Ever give a blowjob?” I asked, trying not to giggle my arse off.

Applejack coloured. “That ain’t none a’ your business!”

“It’s considerably nastier than putting wet fingers in someone’s ears. Hell, kiss is even worse!”

Twilight turned a bit green. “That does make sense in a certain way…”

Applejack glanced at her and gave me another look. “Why do ya gotta make things awkward?”

“I’m not from this country, let alone this planet, love. It’s not like I’m being extra weird or anything. It’s just how I react to being kidnapped from my home, being surrounded by crazy coloured horse-people, and-”

“Wait, did you just call everypony in Ponyville a whorse?” Applejack asked, giving me a fucked up look.

I gave her a questioning one. “Well, you guys seem to be either Pony-Human hybrids or Horse-Human hybrids. It doesn’t really make a difference since ponies are just smaller horses.”

Twilight cleared her throat. “Whorse is a slur here… Um… What’s your name?”

“Maximus, but most people call me Max if they want me to like them.” I replied easily.

Applejack narrowed her eyes at me. “That ain’t true. That’s a flat out lie.”

I tilted my head at her again. “It’s a pseudonym, but a lot of Humans go by nicknames or pseudonyms. Sometimes it takes us years to learn someone else’s real name, and depending on when you cop a second name, you might never your real name again until you tell it to someone.” All true, bitch. A fucktonne of authors and artists have pseudonyms, and it might take you years to meet up with someone you found online.

“Ah. I guess that makes sense. So what’s your real name?” The orange one asked.

“If I wanted you to know, I would’ve told you instead of giving you my nickname.” I replied softly.

“I ain’t callin’ ya by a fake name.” She huffed.

I steepled my fingers and narrowed my eyes at her. “What gives a name credence, Applejack? What gives it power? It’s not the letters that make up the word; it’s just a random noise that happens to mean something. No, it’s the person who responds to the name that gives it power. I don’t really care if you don’t want to call me Max because you can just give me another name to add to my collection. I like personalized nicknames, and I’m alive because of pseudonyms, so if you don’t want to call me by the one I’m giving you, then you’re welcome to come up with your own.”

“So what? If I suddenly ask a to start callin’ me... Sour Apple or somethin’, you’d do it?”

“If that’s what you want to be called, then yes. It’s not that weird, AJ, you’re just overthinking it.”

Twilight hummed. “A lot of Equestrian authors don’t she their real names when they write, so it’s kind of like your planet is full of ponies that feel the same way in their day-to-day lives. Are there any occasions when you have to use your real name?”

“Yeah. Traveling to other countries, legal documentation, birth certificates; stuff like that.” I replied, putting a foot into the grave.

Twilight Sparkles eyes lit up and gleamed strangely, which evidently convinced Applejack to leave. “Alright, I’m out. I’ll see ya later, Twi. Keep outta trouble, Human.”

Twilight waved her off and I gave her a dirty look. “Go away, Blondie.”

“Are ya callin’ me Blondie because my mane looks like a blondie?”

“Wait, you mean the not-brownie?”

“Yeah.”

“No, it’s because your hair is blonde.” I replied.

“... I don’t got hair, Human. I don’t think I know what that is.”

I twirled one of my own overgrown locks. “I have hair on my head. I’m guessing you guys have fur on your heads instead of hair?”

Twilight nodded. “That’s true, but we’re also covered in fur. Aren’t you?”

I chuckled at that. “Nah, not quite. Humans dropped our fur hundreds of thousands of
years ago.”

Twilight’s jaw dropped. “Y-You mean that your people have been around since the beginning of time!?”

I couldn’t understand how she’d jumped to that conclusion. I really couldn’t. “... No, there were prehistoric animals long before mankind ruled the planet, and before that, there was primordial ooze. Keep in mind that Earth, my planet, is billions of years old.”

Applejack murmured. “Cheese on a cracker and bread for a bagel; I’ll be darned.”

Twilight gaped. “... Your world’s mages found a way to accurately date your planet?”

“... Did you just say ‘mages’?” I asked, my voice a little higher than it should have been.

The librarian stared some more, blanching. “You- You do have mages, right?”

“... Love, Magic ain’t real. Not on Earth.” I said extra slowly.

“... Your planet operates without magic?” Twilight breathed.

“Your planet has magic?” I replied just as breathlessly.

“... Yeah, no, I’m gonna go before the alien spews goo everywhere. Twilight, don’t grill
him too hard. Human, don’t mess with Twilight.” Applejack gave me a stern look.

I raised a brow at her. “Oh, I’m gonna mess with her. Lavender is definitely Twilight’s colour.”

Applejack and Twilight examined her maroon and mauve skirt, her periwinkle sweatervest, and her off-white blouse. “Uh, Sugarcube? Twilight ain’t wearin’ purple.”

I just smiled when Twilight gripped the hem of her skirt, blushing furiously. “Oh, Twilight and I both know that she is.”

The cowgirl gave me a funny look before it hit her. “Alright, pervert-”

“Oi! It was Rainbow Dash’s fault! When she plowed into me, I knocked Twilight over and there was an event that I can’t say I regret besides getting punched in the back of the head.”

Applejack gave me a dirty look. “Keep your eyes above the collar and your thoughts to yourself, will ya?”

“What fun would that be?” I scoffed.

“It’ll be more fun than me kickin’ your can all over town for messin’ with one a’ the nicest
ponies you’ll ever meet.” She replied, her tone dipping.

I shot her a glare of my own. “It’s not like I’m doing it to make anyone feel bad, so get off my back. If I start outright insulting people or spreading embarrassing secrets, then yeah, you got some kinda point. Until then, you’re just threatening an alien with no ill will of his own.”

Her gaze softened. “Fair enough, I guess. I still want a ta tone it down for Twilight though. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.”

I looked at Applejack, then at Twilight who was giving me a pensive look. “Oi, Twilight. I’ll lay off for a little while, but if I slip up, just let me know and I’ll try to rein it in.”

The librarian gave me a small smile. “I’d appreciate that. It’s embarrassing to have a stranger see… That sort of thing…” At least it was good for me.

“Right. So do you wanna answer a few questions; go back and forth for a little while?” I asked.

“Well, I wouldn’t mind answering your questions first, though I do have to ask how long you’ve been here.” Twilight said as Applejack closed the front door.

“Today. I got out of some jungle-forest with some help from this super big, super gay river serpent named Steven Magnet. The guy’s actually pretty cool, which reminds me that I have to go find someone names Rarity and give her this gold crown he sent me off with. I would find a buyer for it myself and keep the profit, but that’s not how you treat someone who shows you kindness, yeah?”

Twilight gave me an odd look. “Did you really consider stealing someone’s gift for your own gain?”

I gave her a look. “Oi, don’t pretend like you wouldn’t give it a little thought. I mean, the crown isn’t the purest gold that’s passed through my hands, but I’m pretty sure that gold is worth something wherever you go.”

“... Max, I can honestly say that stealing someone’s gift wouldn’t cross my mind unless it was an ancient, unheard of tome, and even then I’d rather ask to have a turn with it than take it for myself.”

I rolled my eyes. “Okay, so you’re morally sound and I’m a little sketchy. I fully intend on holding up my end of the bargain, so don't’ worry about that, okay?”

“... Why don’t you go grab that crown and I’ll have Rarity come over to pick it up?” Twilight said uneasily.

I folded my arms and gave her an amused smile. “Why don’t you just tell me were to find her so I can give it to her without her having to make the trip? I know it’s her present, but I’m the courier. That’s like having to go to the post office to get your mail.”

She still seemed a little anxious. “Promise you won’t keep it?”

I gave her a look. “How old are you again?”

“You’re not really supposed to ask a mare her age.” Twilight frowned.

“I’m not?” I asked, feigning surprise.

“Most ponies can tell just by looking anyway.”

“That’s weird. Sure, you can get a rough estimate with humans, but it’s not like we know the exact number.”

“I guess it might be a magical thing then. You’re twenty, right?” Twilight asked.

“... Yeah, that’s weird.” I said, nodding.

“If it makes you feel any better, I’m not that much older than you.” She offered.

“You’re older than me? I could’ve sworn that you were a year or two younger than me, but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that the colorful horse-people show their age differently.” I grimaced.

Twilight gave me a low-power glare. I think she might have been trying to make me feel bad. “You really need to stop calling Ponies ‘whorse-people’. If you say that to the wrong Pony, they’ll probably be pretty upset with you.”

I rolled my eyes. “Yes mummy, I’ll clean up my language, mummy.”

“You’re being kind of rude.” Twilight said, irritation in her voice.

“Twilight, the last person I had to answer to killed people for stepping onto the wrong street at the wrong time. I don’t like being told what to do, so I tend to listen when my life is in danger.”

“... Max, what even was your world?” She asked softly. “You… You just talked about working for someone who kills ponies!”

I gave Twilight a ‘Bitch please’ kinda look. “Twilight, it’s not like I had much of a choice. When Savage Sagiano calls, you answer or you don’t get a second chance to ignore him. I’ve never killed anyone myself, but I’ve been present for a few of his ‘examples’, and that was enough to keep me under his thumb.” I shook my head, the memory of the red-hot castration and penetration still ripe in my mind, despite that particular crime against human decency happening five years ago.

“... Okay.” Twilight rubbed her temples. “... So what did you do that made you useful to a terrible pony like that?”

“I’m good at getting stuff that I have no business getting. That’s all I’m going to say on that.”

“Okay, but you’re not a murderer?”

“No, I don’t really have the heart to kill someone in cold-blood. Sure, if someone pushes me for months, then it’s a different story, but I’ve never technically killed anyone.”

Twilight paled. “T-Technically?”

“Well, I let someone die, but they were knocking on their own gravestone because of their own choices. The junkie just wanted to stay high, no matter what it was doing to their body.” I held back a smile at the grotesque memory; the smell of rotten flesh, the looks of horror and desperation that were always on their faces, and the taste of vindication. “They killed themselves. I just didn’t feel obligated to stop them.”

“... You’re… You’re a monster.” Twilight murmured.

“Twilight, that person let me be raped for an entire year by dozens of people multiple times. There were days where I didn’t eat or sleep because I was being… Used. There were days when that person would make me go and get them more of the poison that was killing them right after being raped for an entire night. If you hold pity for someone like that, you’re the monster.”

She covered her mouth and stared at me, her eyes watering. “Dear Celestia… I… Max, you either beat a truth spell or you’re one of the strongest ponies I’ve ever met.”

I glared at her. “Get the fuckin’ pity out of your eyes ‘cause I sure as fuck don’t need it now. That was eight years ago. I’ve made my peace with it.”

“That’s not true.” She said softly.

“Are you seriously using magic right now? How does that work?”

“Max, I don’t know anything about Humans, but… Normal ponies don’t just go through something like that and come out okay. I think-”

“I think you should keep what I just told you to yourself and your opinions on the matter in the same space.” I interrupted.

“... If that’s what you want, then I’ll… I’ll keep it to myself… Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?”

“I’m rather certain I’d rather be focusing on the future than be haunted by m past, yes.” I said drily.

Twilight gave me a small smile that seemed to be tinged with something akin to pride, though I think it was admiration. “I guess moving forward is the best way to deal with it. I may not think that you’re the nicest pony, but you are tough.”

I might have blushed a bit, but I don’t know why. “Whatever, Purps. Can we just start the cultural exchange?”

“Purps?”

“Purples. Your coat is purple, your hair is purple, and your eyes are purple. Purps.” I explained.

“That’s actually kind of obvious now that I think about it.” She murmured.

“Isn’t it though? The best nicknames often are.”

Twilight agreed with me on that one, but she still insisted that I go and retrieve Rarity’s crown from where I’d left it, so I did just that and we got started on learning as much as we could about each other’s planet. Since I already know all the shit about Earth, I’ll go ahead and say that Twilight was a veritable lake of information. Everything from high magic to basic levitation spells, not-that-ancient history to modern day, and pretty much every little cultural celebration that the Ponies had. Twilight made sure to mind flood me as hard as possible, breaking down dams on either side of a town in a valley, drowning the populace (My brain cells) with
information that could have been vital, or that could have been pointless. Either way, around sunset, Twilight asked me if I had a place to stay since I’d just come into town and I’d told her no, so she offered to let me she one of her guest rooms until I could find a steady job and start making my own map. The problem was and is that I’m not really good at much that doesn't involve stealing shit or hiding, so I was going to have my luck cut out for me in all the wrong ways.

When the Sun was about to fall below the horizon, Twilight’s little brother, a Dragon named Spike, came home from running some errands for his big sister, but I was mostly shocked by the fact that there was a fucking Dragon within roasting distance and he wasn’t doing anything Dragony. The short little guy actually put on the most feminine apron I’d ever seen and started cooking dinner after we introduced ourselves. He didn’t really have much to say to me, but it’s not like e was rude about it. The kid probably just had a long day and wanted to eat and go to bed, so I helped him out with food prep, but there wasn’t much for me to do.

When the three of us sat down for dinner, I surveyed my plate and ate the boiled spinach. That was it. That was the only thing on the plate that I could eat. The rest of it was flowers and raw hay, which were not things the Human stomach likes to ingest. Twilight noticed that I stopped eating after getting the spinach off my plate and asked, “Is something wrong, Max?”

“Humans can’t eat flowers or hay.” I chuckled. “The spinach was good, though. Could’ve used some salt, but it was tasty.”

Twilight eyes widened. “... You’re a salt addict?”

I furrowed my brow and gave her a questioning look. “What? How do you get addicted to salt?”

“That might be a story for another time, but salt doesn’t affect you?” She asked.

“It tastes good if you don’t use too much, but that’s about it. A high sodium diet will mess with your kidneys, but that’s only if you go overboard every meal.” I explained.

“That’s so interesting! So what plants can you eat?”

“If the food is made of the same stuff as it is on Earth, then I can eat a lot of fruits, veggies, berries, and legumes, but I’m probably gonna need to find a place that sells meat. I don’t imagine that you guys have dietary supplements since you’re evidently herbivores anyway.”

Twilight stared at me for a long moment. “... You eat other creatures?”

“That’s what omnivores tend to do.” I said slowly. “What? You don’t think I’m just going to up and try to bite you or something, do you?”

“Ah ha ha. Ah ha. Haaa…” Twilight made those noises. “W-Well…”

“... Wow, that’s… That’s kinda fucked up, Twilight. And rather xenophobic.” I added.

She coloured and rubbed her cheek. “W-Well… I… You have to kill something to eat it, Max.”

“Yes. If a human eats raw meat, they’ll probably die.”

That piqued her interest. “Wait, how do you hunt for food?”

I shook my head. “Humans didn’t really have to hunt if they didn’t want to when I left Earth. At least, not in most places.”

“... I’m lost.” Spike said. “I mean, I used to eat fish all the time, so what’s the big idea?”

“That’s different,” Twilight said quickly.

“How?” Spike and I asked in unison.

“It-It just is, okay?” Twilight said, discomfort on her face.

I looked at Spike. “Why’d you stop eating fish, anyway? Aren’t Dragon purely carnivores?”

“I dunno. I’ve never met another one and finding books about Dragons is hard because they tend to keep their secrets really secret.” Spike sighed.

I gave him a lopsided grin. “Oi, we’ll find another Dragon to tell you about Dragon stuff sometime, yeah? It never hurts to know your roots.”

“Spike was hatched in Canterlot. His roots are Equestrian.” Twilight said, steel entering her voice for the first time since I’d met her.

I gave her a look, but acquiesced nonetheless. “Whatever you say, Purps.” I winked at Spike and he turned his frown into a hopeful smile.

That was about it for dinner since we were finishing up anyway, and with that out of the way, Twilight welcomed me to read a stack of books she’d collected on Equestrian laws and traditions, all of which were so full of pusillanimous blurbs of weak-willed bullshit, I was confident that I could take most of the country over by being kinda mean. My studies took me a fair bit into the night, but I’ve always been an owl of sorts. Right now, I’m just chronicling what I remember in the blank book Twilight gave me for the sake of keeping a record of my experiences, and I’ve gotta say that I’m kinda digging it. It’s a fun little pastime that keeps my hands from aching and catches my attention more so than the opportunity for a solo stroll. Eh. Anyway, I’ll end this one here and try to get some sleep. Day one is done.

Now I just need to find a way to get back home.