The day started off pretty fantastic with two beautiful women resting on either arm and a familiar ache in my pelvis, specifically around the 'Ol Chap. It had been a pretty great night that I’m not allowed to write about, but I can say with a smile on my face that it was one of the better nights I had spent in Ponyville, if not the best. It took me a bit to extricate myself from my position, but it was well worth the patience required so I could let Applejack and Fluttershy sleep on for a bit longer. They’d had quite the time of it, so I was content to let them rest a while. I got breakfast started in order to regain some of the calories I had burned. It was darker than an Irish stout in my house, so I blundered about my hallway until I could flip the light on in my living room.

Once I could see where the Hell I was going, I went back into my room and grabbed some clothes at random. It’s not like my entire wardrobe didn’t match itself, so I didn’t fret over what I had picked, alternatively focusing on not waking Fluttershy and Applejack. I kept my shower quick as I usually did and sparingly applied my new oil to my wrists and neck after shaving off the mess that had sprouted on my face. Once was clean shaven and handsome again, I put on the black shallow V-Neck that I had grabbed and went on to find something else to do.

Rainbow Dash’s storm was still going strong with it's howling wind rattling my windows and the occasional thunderclap still shaking my house. We had gotten used to it rather quickly over the course of the night, and being from England, I really didn’t give a damn about a bit of rain. It’s not like it was going to be much more than a nuisance, and it wouldn’t even be that if I didn’t allow it to be, so I let it be and worried not, preferring to get started on food for the morning rather than doting on my friend’s foolishness. I was still going to chew her out for making me stub my toe in the dark, but the rain didn’t bother me in the slightest.

Ponies rarely enough ate eggs in the morning, but since I was well aware of my own nutritional needs, they had become a mainstay in my diet along with spinach and a few choice fruits. I chopped some pears, diced some apples into large chunks, sliced some bananas, added some pineapple for vitamin C and wondered what in the shit I was doing. I had never made a fruit salad, and felt rather fruity for doing and wondered what had gotten into me all of a sudden.

Basking in the afterglow perhaps?

I briefly considered doing away with the brightly colored monstrosity that I had made, but I instead elected to save it for the ladies. I wondered if I should wake them to tell them that breakfast was nearly ready, but as the thought was being prepared for deliberation, I came to realize that they would probably prefer a shower and their clothes before any sort of meal, as was my own inclination. The laundry room was at the end of the hallway near my bedroom, so I made sure to be extra stealthy while I tried to judge between whose clothes belonged to whom. The pink, lacy bra and knickers I associated with Fluttershy when into her stack, and the somewhat plain, yellow livery went to Applejacks. Both had been wearing jeans when they arrived, so it was hard to tell them apart, so I trusted that the smaller pair belonged to Applejack due to her ridiculous level of fitness, though it wasn’t as if Fluttershy was very far from being the same size. In fact, the number on the tags were actually a digit apart, so it was just guesswork.

I set their respective piles on the nightstands closest to them and grabbed my journal so I could catch it up. I wasn’t quite finished when they both came out ,lacking any manner of clothing, but I was close enough.

“Good morning, ladies. I figured you two would want to get dressed before starting your day, so I put your clothes on the nightstands.” I commented, doing my best to peel my eyes away from the lovely sight. I failed miserably, but it wasn’t something I was sad about.

“I’d like a shower first.” Applejack yawned. “Is that storm still blowin’?”

“It is. Rainbow put a on Hell of a show, that’s for sure. I hope she hasn’t ruined my lawn.”

“I don’t think that’s what you should be worried about, Max.” Fluttershy said quietly.

“Eh, it is what it is. No point in letting it bother me if I don’t have to. It’s just a spot of rain after all.”

“Yeah, it’s rain in this one spot. The skies around the rest of town are completely clear, or at least they were last night. I can’t even tell what time it is!” Applejack looked out of my living room window at the darkness that was wreathed around my home. The sun shone at the edge of my property, but there wasn’t much to go by.

“I’ve seen worse. If anything, I’ll write to Celestia and have her put a stop to it if it continues for the rest of today.”

“It scares me a bit that you can do that.” Applejack muttered.

“Perks of being sexy. Speaking of, I made some breakfast, so if you two want to put the goods away and get your morning routine started, we can get to eating.”

“May I go first?” Fluttershy meekly asked. “I’ve got to go take care of my animals, I wasn’t expecting to stay the night.”

“Sure thing, Flutters.” Applejack strolled over and laid on my couch.

I may have let my gaze linger as she passed by, but I switched it to Fluttershy. “Your things should be on the left table, and there’s some scented soap under the sink and some vanilla soap in the shower. Do you remember where the washcloths are?”

“Yes. I’ll try to be quick.” I openly stared as she went to get her business started. My God, did Fluttershy have an amazing arse.

“Remind yourself to blink sometime, sugarcube. I don’t think you’ll miss anything you haven’t seen before.”

“How can I waste time blinking when I have two marvelous women strutting about my house in the Au Naturale? This doesn’t happen as often as I’d like, so I’m going to enjoy it while it lasts.” I stood and sat on the floor next to the couch, facing the same way as Applejack.

She rolled over on her side. “You’re not gonna put this part of the morning in your journal, are you?”

“I sure am, though I’ll leave out any terribly descriptive details for your modesty or whatever. Last night won’t get much of a mention, and will not make it in with any real detail, but I’m still going to document a bit of it.”

“I guess that’s fair. Just don’t say anythin’ about when I went down on Fluttershy or the rest of it, will ya? That’s not somethin’ I want ponies to know about.”

“If people respect my goddamn privacy, no one would ever know in the first place.” I booped her nose. “How was that for you, by the way?”

“...It was a bit weird, and I don’t think I’m good at it, but I can’t complain. Are you gonna put this conversation in your journal?”

“I’d be lying if I said no.”

“Then I guess I gotta be more careful with what I say.”

“Love, you’ve already read the stuff I’ve put in there about you. A few extra words aren’t going to condemn you.”

“So if I said that Fluttershy tastes like some kinda cake that would make it in?”

“It wouldn’t if you asked me not to.”

She leaned over and gave me a peck on the cheek. “You’re not as bad as you pretend to be sometimes. Only sometimes though.”

“And you’re not as normal as you say you are. I can’t believe you stuck your tongue in there!”

Applejack’s face flushed. “That was an accident, darn it!”

“Fluttershy didn’t seem to mind.” I gave her a cheeky grin and she swung a hand at my head. I laid down to dodge it and came back up laughing.

“You’re pure evil sometimes, you know that?”

“And you’re kinky as hell sometimes. There’s worse things to be in your case though. I guess I’m just stuck being the bad guy.”

“If ya didn’t act like it so much, no pony would say it.” She laid flat on her back. I tried not to look at her breasts.

“If I didn’t act like I do, I’d be boring as hell. Admit it, it’s like, half the reason you like me so much.”

“Ya do make life interesting, I’ll give you that.”

We bantered back and forth until Fluttershy came out of the lavatory, and Applejack took off to get her morning properly started. Fluttershy sat on the couch and I hopped up next to her. She was quick to get up close and personal with her snuggling, but I wasn’t complaining in the slightest. She had left her bra off and her breasts were pressing against my arm in the most delightful way.

“How was the shower poppet?” I asked politely.

“It would have been more fun if you had joined me, but I guess it was okay.” She flirted shamelessly. Getting Fluttershy alone really was the key factor in getting her to ease up.

“Maybe next time. I have to ask: why did you leave your bra off? I know I set it on the rest of your clothes when I got them together for you.”

“I thought you might like it more.” She held my hand. “Thank you for that, by the way, it was very sweet of you.”

“I try, occasionally, but don’t get used to it. I’m not walking to your house at five in the morning just to set your clothes out for you.”

She giggled and squeezed my hand. “What would you walk to my house at five in the morning for, hmm?”

“Breakfast, if you make it that early. To visit Lupa if she’s there. Speaking of, I haven’t seen her for a bit, have you?”

“She stopped by to play with Bearett before going into the Everfree yesterday, but I haven’t seen her since. Is she upset with you?”

“No, I don’t- Hold up. Have you ever heard of something called Hizketan Baia?” I asked excitedly.

“No, I don’t believe I have. What is it?” She lifted her head from my shoulder and I bounded away, grabbing the urn with them inside.

I uncovered the jar and held a few out to her. “These are berries grown in the Everfree. The Naga gave them to me as a gift of goodwill and I was wondering if you may have eaten any by chance.”

“They look familiar, but if I ever ate them, it was when I was young. I was a little voracious in my youth.” She blushed adorably.

“Fluttershy, can you actually converse with your animals?”

“I-I don’t understand. Of course I talk to them.”

“But can you understand what they’re saying?” I looked deep into her eyes.

They held a truth that I doubt she had ever spoken. She looked away from me. “You think I’m crazy.”

“No, I think you ate these berries when you were a little girl, and they’re what allows you to talk to them.”

“I don’t think there’s anything that allows a pony to do that, Max.” Fluttershy’s eyes returned to mine.

“There might just be. The Naga told me these berries allow them to talk to animals like Lupa, Bearett and fantastic Mr. Foxy. I watched them talk to Lupa, and they understood her perfectly.”

“But I don’t understand them perfectly, I just know the general idea of what they’re saying for the most part.” Her curiosity was piqued.

“How about you and I take some time to get Twilight to analyze these so we can see if they’re dangerous, and have ourselves a little experiment?” I grinned at her.

She didn’t look too sure. “I don’t think Twilight will know too much about these, but I do know a mare who’s very knowledgeable when it comes to the flora of the Everfree.”

“Then we’ll visit her first, and save Twilight as a back up. What do you say, poppet? Are you up for some science?”

“I guess I am, but if those berries are from the Everfree, then they’re more magic than science. Twilight and Zecora are very particular about the difference.”

“Nerds, the lot of ‘em. I don’t have anything to do today, so I can help you with your animals and we can get to the interesting bit.”

Fluttershy looked offended. “My animals are plenty interesting!”

I sat the earthen jar on my coffee table and plopped down next to her. “I’m not saying they aren’t, I’m just saying that being able to talk to them like we are right now would be far cooler.”

“I suppose you have a point, but I would still like you to apologize.” She huffed.

I kissed her cheek and she didn’t respond, turning her head away from me. I saw an opportunity to move her hair and pepper some kisses along her neck which made her shiver.

“How’s that for an apology?”

“If that’s how you want to do it, I won’t object.” She gave me a little smile.

I rolled my eyes and carried on with giving her some affection for a while. A few minutes later, Applejack walked out of the lavatory and saw Fluttershy and I snogging like a pair of teenagers.

“Get a room, will ya?” Applejack smirked, fastening the last few buttons on her flannel.

Fluttershy jerked away.

“This is a room, is it not?” I replied cheekily.

“Fair enough, I guess. What’s for breakfast? Other than Fluttershy’s lips?”

The woman in question was bright red, and I just patted her shoulder before standing. “We’ve got fruit salad and spinach. I’m going to whip up some eggs, if you want any.”

“I’ll take some.” Applejack and I walked into my kitchen and I got started. After calming down a bit, Fluttershy joined us and began chatting with AJ about some stuff I wasn’t really interested in, so kept my attention on my skillet.

Breakfast was nice, and we made it last a good while, talking between the three of us. We tried not to leave anyone out of the conversation, but I ended up doing more listening than either of the ladies. I wasn’t sad about that; in fact, I was just happy that I was getting to spend time with them that didn’t involve sex or cuddling, not that I minded either. It was just nice to have breakfast with a couple friends

Speaking of friends, I was going to have to send that letter to Celestia sooner rather than later because Rainbow’s storm had only gotten worse over night. There were scorch marks all around my yard from where lightning had struck and damage to my front porch. I could deal with the rain, but fucking with my property was a completely different matter. I resolved to have a little talk with Rainbow about proper responses to things that didn’t involve one personally, and it was most likely going to involve a lot of swearing. In the meantime, however, Applejack, Fluttershy, and I were sprinting away from my house being blown to and fro by the high winds, but once we got clear of the hellscape that was my land, all was fine and sunny. Once I was a good distance away from my home, I was fucking furious. My roof was damaged to high hell and upon walking around to see my back porch, I saw that my patio furniture had been blown away to Lord knows where. Applejack literally had to drag me away from town so I wouldn’t hunt Rainbow down, and promise me that she would get in contact with the weather team.

I tried to cool down as I was walking with Fluttershy to her cabin, but Rainbow’s bullshit had gone too far. She was now causing serious damage to my home and belongings, which I seriously doubted she could pay for. This wasn’t something you did to a friend, no matter how pissed you were at them. Shouting? Yes. Fisticuffs? Likely. Tearing apart their first and only home? Unforgivable. Fluttershy tried to calm me down, and I would have appreciated her efforts more if I didn’t have a headache from pure, pent up rage. When we got to her house, her smaller animals avoided me, and even my pathetic attempts at being polite were coming off as sharp and severe.

Fluttershy sat me down at her kitchen table and went to work, telling me not to worry about helping her since my vibe was frightening the fauna she tended to. I felt bad about making her do her work alone after I had offered to help, so I slapped myself and got my shit together before putting on my game face. The critters that be were still wary of me, but as I was under Bearett’s watchful eye, they apparently felt that it was safe to be around me. I smiled at them without showing my teeth since I had read somewhere that it was a sign of aggression amongst wildlife, and it seemed to do wonders for my mood. Forcing a smile choked down my rage and I eased up over the course of an hour, though I was tired from lugging around heavy sacks of feed. Fluttershy performed the task with no outward signs of stress due to her pony physicality, and I struggled to match her as best I could. I had always been a bit of a geek when it came to animals, and Fluttershy’s home had no shortage of them, so I was able to put my sour mood behind me with a little extra help.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

We finished earlier than Fluttershy usually did because, apparently, I’m better at dealing with animals than the rest of our friends. It was a compliment that made me feel proud, and I wondered if I should hang out with Fluttershy more often and see what we could do together. Her animals were beginning to like me again, and the intelligent one’s never held much of a grudge against me in the first place, so it was nice that I could now visit any time I felt like it and be welcomed. I suppose that having Fluttershy’s approval as well as her scent lingering on me didn’t hurt at all.

Fluttershy lead the way through the Everfree since she knew this particular bit far better than I. It totally had nothing to do with dat ass. The journey only took about fifteen or so minutes, and our destination seemed to be a strange, warped tree that had bottles of various colors and liquids hanging from it’s lowest branches. African style masks decorated the door of the oddity, making me feel a bit uncomfortable about the ordeal. It had the general effect of a witch doctor’s home with it’s mystique and voodoo-esque air about it, but it grew on me the closer we got. The vibe became more inviting the closer we got, and I couldn’t help but wonder what kind of person would live in such a place as the Everfree and couldn’t think of a terribly good reason besides finding exotic ingredients for things like the potions hanging outside.

Fluttershy knocked softly on the door, so I stepped past her and made some audible ones, just in case our soon to be host wasn’t standing right next to the door. We stood side by side and waited for a bit. Nothing. I was reaching up to knock again when the door suddenly opened, revealing a rather interesting looking zebra wearing what seemed to be a loincloth and a fabric boulder holder. She had large hoop earrings that I guessed to be made out of pure gold from the way her ears drooped a bit, and a necklace of the same material. I had to say, she wasn’t my cup of tea, but she was attractive in her own right. Slim and toned, her figure reminded me of Rainbow Dash, but taller and with B-cups.

“Why hello, Fluttershy and new guest! What brings you to my humble nest?” The Zebra asked kindly.

“Hello, Zecora. This is my friend, Max. He has some berries we’d like you to take a look at.”

I offered her my hand. “Wotcher, Zecora. Your home is awesome.”

She shook it with a smile. “It is nice to meet a new face, though one like yours, I’ve seen not a trace.”

“Do you rhyme all the time, or just occasionally?”

“It is something I just do, now please come in and your energy renew.”

I stepped in and looked around. “That last one was a bit of a stretch, love. The reason you haven’t seen a face like mine is because mine is the only one like it around these parts. Well, in this world actually.”

“Yes, Max is the only human we know of.” Fluttershy added.

“Oh is this true, what you say? From what world have you lost your way? I must ask you to tell your tale; I’m sure it must be quite the whale!”

Her rhyming was starting to get on my nerves since they were shitty, but I brushed it aside since we were here for her help. “I don’t really know how I got here, and the events prior to my coming are something I won’t talk about for a while longer. It’s not a happy tale by any sense of the word, and I haven’t even told my lovers about it yet.”

“I-I never thought to ask how you got here…” Fluttershy remarked softly.

“Please don’t. As I said, it’s not sunshine and rainbows. It was quite painful and something I don’t really want to discuss.” I held the earthen jar between my hands and tried not to crush ot. Those were not memories I was ready to talk about.

“Perhaps a trade is what you’re after? My story may give you some laughter! Or we could get down to business, since it seems you have your subject with us.”

I opened the lid to the jar and held it out to her. “Yeah, I have some berries the Naga call ‘Hizketan Baia’, would you happen to know anything about them?”

She took the jar and inspected a handful. “This is knowledge I do possess, though how you got them, I must request.”

“My companion, a dire wolf I named Lupa, lead me to their camp somewhere in the Everfree. I talked with them for a while and they asked me questions about my world. If you can ascertain whether or not these are safe for consumption, I’ll offer you the same deal.”

“A worthy deal, I must say. To meet a human is not every day. These berries should be stewed, soon enough, a potion I will brew. While we wait, may I ask my questions? I will keep quick this session.”

“Yeah that’s fine by me. Those rhymes were great, by the way.”

“Thanks.” She replied.

“So you don't have to rhyme!”

“Your comment is drawing blanks.”

“Fuck you.” I laughed.

Fluttershy gasped. “Max! You shouldn’t say that to someone who’s helping us!”

“Fluttershy, dear, please relax. I take no offense from vulgar Max.”

“You shouldn’t unless ‘fuck you’ is followed by a string of other swears. You could learn from our gracious host, poppet”

Fluttershy grumbled and Zecora chuckled, before filling her cauldron with water and dumping my entire jar of berries in there. She started asking questions in her queer prose that I answered to the best of my abilities and I painted her a picture of my little slice of the world, telling her of the paved roads and lights that ran on electricity instead of magic, of carriages that needed no cattle to pull them and trains that could pass you faster than one’s eye could blink. I had my small audience enraptured and I spoke for much of the visit, pausing only to wet my throat on occasion. I found that, with the right questions, I could talk for hours on end about my previous home. I’m sure I gave them quite the mental image of my world, but with only as stick and the dirt outside, I couldn’t draw them a very good picture of, well, anything really, but if I could contact a painter of some kind, I'm sure they'd come up with something interesting. Maybe I could have Twilight work some magic so I could have a few accurate images of my former home.

We had taken up plenty of Zecora’s day by the time our potion was done. For some odd reason that I blamed magic for, there was only enough for three bottles of it, one for each available party. The friendly Zebra had assured us that the potion wouldn’t kill us, so we hastened out of the forest to give it a shot back at Fluttershy’s house. Honestly, we were giddy like a couple of naughty secondary schoolers about to steal from their parents liquor cabinet. Except I had my own liquor, we were both of legal age, and we were actually drinking a sketchy potion from a witch doctor who lived in an evil forest.

Life in Ponyville is weird sometimes.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Fluttershy and I sat in her kitchen, each of us holding a bottle of plum purple liquid that warmed when you shook it. I found it to be quite worrisome, and Fluttershy balked, but we both were curious.

“...I’ll drink it if you do.” She affirmed.

“I’ll do it if you do.” We looked at each other and back to our strange beverages.

“...At the same time?”

“Yeah, sounds like the only way we’re going through with it.”

We uncorked the bottles and counted to three, upturning them simultaneously. The drink itself was actually rather sweet, but the aftertaste was absolutely savage. I started dry heaving immediately after drinking the last drop, but Fluttershy seemed fine to me. She rushed over and placed a hand on my back, kneeling by my side. I got myself under control, but the drink had started out tasting like blackberry jam and ended with rancid meat mixed with cat urine. I clenched my eyes shut and doubled over, my stomach feeling like it had been punched by Applejack.

“Max! Are you okay? What happened?” The panic evident in her voice.

“I’m fine, I’m fine.” I coughed, trying to regain my breath. “The aftertaste just got to me.”

“I didn’t notice anything, it was kind of like drinking thicker grape juice.”

“It started just fine, but the last bit was just awful!” The pain in my stomach was easing and I opened my eyes. It was then that I knew I had fucked up real good.

(Ctrl+F Scary Shit is Over to Skip)

Fluttershy’s flesh was peeling away from her face in chunks and strips, revealing tendons and ligaments underneath as her hair withered and turned gray, a cloud of spiders bursting forth from her scalp as if she had a nest of black widows within her head. I held my hand up and saw rotten flesh that had been chewed away by by tiny rodent teeth to the point where bones were showing the back and fingertips, spewing forth black blood that coated everything. Fluttershy’s shack transformed before my eyes, her animals turning into horrible demonic beings that screeched and cried, drowning out all sense.

“Max?” Fluttershy’s voice had warped, becoming gravelly, deep, and dreadful.

The seat I was sitting on was made of rended flesh and gristle, reeking of rotting decay. I heard the door open with a slam and the Chief walked in, tall and foreboding with his billy club in hand, smiling wide with teeth reminiscent of a shark's.

“Fluttershy?” I whispered. My voice was weak and frail, sounding like it would crack in the softest of breezes.

“Yes, Kaid?” Her voice boomed in my ears and I jolted, falling out of the chair of gore. “Welcome to Hell, Kaid. You deserve to be here. This is your new home; you should get used to it. Your time in heaven has passed, and you didn’t deserve a single moment, but you’re here now and that’s all that matters. Welcome Home.”

I lost my fucking mind.

I screamed and ran through the Chief, out the door, and into a whole new level of nightmares. Minotaurs and Centaurs dressed in black and red armour paraded around the circle of brimstone I was standing on and fire surrounded the edges. The cries of the damned pierced through my eardrums and the cacophony of suffering brought tears of blood to my eyes, filling me with such a feeling of impending dread that I felt like I was suffocating. My vision grew darker and darker, but the sanctuary of comatose bliss was denied to me. The world grew brighter than the lightest day and I looked up at the pitch black sky that held blood red stars; souls of those that had been truly evil, and now my own little circle was rising rapidly to meet them, growing hotter with every centimeter until it felt like my skin should have burned off long ago.

Agony doesn’t even begin to describe it. My very bones felt like each was fracturing piece by piece, my joints turning into molten cores of lead, making moving impossible, and with the speed that I was ascending, I was forced into the ground, making a divot in the surface. Maggots and grubs crawled across my bare skin and devoured every molecule of muscle, every millimeter of skin, every ounce of fat until all I had was the eyes in my head.

The ascension stopped and I was grabbed by a creature that I recognized from my occult reading as a Blemmyes and was torn apart anew, my body regenerating only to be ripped and gnawed on by the hideous creature. Seconds turned to minutes, minutes to hours, hours to days, days to weeks, weeks to months, and there was no end to my suffering. I had truly gone to Hell. I had died from the Chiefs ministrations and gone through a period of relative calm that was Purgatory, or perhaps Heaven, and was rended from my old existence and thrust into the place I really belonged. After what felt to be years of being bisected, I was thrown down to brimstone once more and the cycle repeated again, this time, with four Gryphons and three Ponies chanting in a wicked, malevolent language that burrowed its way into my mind, forcing me into each of their positions as they died.

I caught a serrated, evil looking black knife to the eye, but didn’t die. It was ripped out, and my body healed.

A similar knife hit me in the throat and was removed the same way.

One more hit my in the chest, but soon after, a hellhound charged me and tore me apart like I had been before, this time in smaller chunks.

I was allowed to heal and the hellhound tore me apart again.

Forced to stand by an unknown entity, I was hit three times; Once in the throat, heart, and jugular.

Another, larger knife slammed into my back, throwing me onto my face when I erected again.

The chanting grew louder and the hellhound came circling for one more go.

This is what the men I had killed went through. This was a hell of my own design, that of which I had wished upon so many people throughout my life. My mind was not allowed to break. I was not to be offered the asylum of insanity. I was here to suffer, and just as I resigned myself to my fate, a great hole opened in the sky, bleeding a beautiful white light, and plucked me from the valley of death.\

(Ctrl+F Scary Shit is Over to Skip)
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

My body ached from the years of torture I had gone through, my soul was razed and my mind was still reeling from processing all of the pain at once, but with the gentlest touch of a hand, my dread, pain, and afflictions were gone, leaving me feeling whole for the first time in so long, I couldn’t recall. My memories of Ponyville were but a distant memory now, and my life on Earth was faded and grey.

I lay on the floor for a while, trying to collect myself, but I had been broken into so many pieces, I could hardly bear to breathe, let alone form any sort of respectable posture. I wept until I could weep no more and stayed still for a while longer as the pain continuously faded from my body until I could sit up. It was difficult, getting used to having limbs again, but I managed to get myself upright. I scanned my surroundings in a daze; it was a rather boring beige room with no doors or windows, but it did have a clashing grey table sitting in the middle of it, along with two very uncomfortable looking chairs. I tried to stand multiple times, but my legs felt like they had never been used before, so I dragged myself to one of the chairs and climbed up, my muscles protesting every movement. I wouldn’t have even bothered, but for some reason, I felt compelled to sit there, so I pushed myself to my limits and only allowed myself to rest once I was there.

I face planted on the table and panted from my exhaustive efforts. I sat like that, waiting to catch my breath until someone coughed. I was ready to crawl away if I had to, but the moment I laid eyes on the entity across from me, I felt no further desire to do so.

This pathetic thief of both things intangible and impalpable was looking upon the face of God.

God was a short black guy.

“Hello, Kaid.”

There’s no point in trying to accurately describe his voice. It was like a melodious symphony of cadences that the Human ear could never hope to comprehend, and that one could never imagine unless they heard it straight from the source, and try as I might, this is the best way I can portray it. I stared blankly at God for a bit.

“You know, most people have that reaction.”

“...I would assume so. I thought you’d-”

“Be taller? Look more majestic? Be more of a marvel? It gets old, having your children look up at you. I find being looked down upon to be much more interesting.”

“I suppose being almighty gives you certain liberties.”

“I’m not almighty, Kaid. Despite what that asinine book says, I can’t do everything. I can’t even make a rock I can’t lift.” God smiled.

“In fairness, I’m willing to bet you’re probably the most powerful thing out there.”

“Maybe in this dimension, but there are other, stronger Gods out there. I might be one of the more powerful ones, but by no means am I the strongest.”

“This dimension? How many of you are there?”

“There’s just one me, but there are six hundred and sixty five other gods with other dimensions to rule over.”

“Isn’t that really ironic?”

“No, actually. I don’t know why my Hebrew children decided that six hundred and sixty six was an evil number. Well, I do know, but it’s not the true evil number.”

“Which one is the true one?”

“Two. Have you ever met a two year old? Pure evil most of the time.” God laughed softly.

I just stared. “I’m sorry, but I’m pretty sure I was just in hell for a few centuries, so forgive me if I don’t laugh.”

“All is already forgiven. You were actually in Hell for about one thousand, one hundred, and forty-seven years, if that makes any difference to you.”

“You know, it doesn’t really. Why was I there?”

God looked at me like I was a fool. “You died.”

“You know, I kind of figured, but why?”

God continued looking at me like I was a fool. “You know what the last thing you consumed was, right?”

“Sorry, most of my memories are of being tortured. Being in Hell does that to you, I hear.”

“True, true. I forget how infinitesimal your lifespan is from time to time. You guys used to live longer, but with all that war and technology, you just started dying sooner and sooner. If Eve had just listened to me, you’d still be living for millennia!”

“So you punished the entire human race because one person couldn’t get their shit together?”

“Look, Kaid, I just made the damn planet, sprinkled some life and sustenance on it, and gave a few simple rules. Everything that happened after that was all you guys.”

Well that was something to chew on. “...So humans fucked ourselves, and you don’t really do much besides keep the ball rolling?”

“Yes, humans ‘fucked’ themselves," God threw up some air quotes, "but no. I do not keep the ball rolling. I observe what goes on, make a new planet in a different part of the universe, and see if I can learn from my mistakes.”

“So how old is the Earth?”

“That was a stupid name for my creation. It literally means 'dirt' or 'mud'!" God rolled his eyes. "The Earth, when you lived on it, was around a trillion or so years old, but your scientists haven’t quite cracked the code to accurately dating it. I may know why my followers came up with that whole ‘six thousand years’ nonsense, but I don’t understand it. I mean, I do, since I’m all knowing, but I just don’t get it. I’m sure you comprehend.”

“Not really.” I twitched my fingers, trying to learn how to use them again.

“Are there any more questions you want to ask? You know you’re one of the few humans I’ve actually talked to in a while. I don’t mind answering questions.”

“You already know what they are, though.”

“Talking is a pleasantry that I made for a reason. It’s not the most efficient way of communication by far, but I’m fond of it.”

“Is that so?”

God nodded.

“So how did I end up in Equestria? Why was I sent there?”

“Ahh, I can’t tell you that one quite yet. I can tell you that you were transported to a different world, however, rather than a different dimension. Equus is actually one of my favorites. It’s so colorful and diverse!”

“Riiight. So why did I go to Hell instead of Purgatory? I’m sure I’ve done some good things in my life.”

“Max, everyone goes to Hell, it’s just that some go there longer than other. Adolf Hitler was there for a few million years and Yesu Christos went there for a few minutes. I miss Yesu, I really need to talk to him again sometime.”

“You mean your supposed son, Jesus fucking Christ went to hell?”

“Everyone is my child, but he was not what he built up to be. Don’t get me wrong, Yesu was a very great and kind man, but he trod on an elderly woman’s toes, and ate food he didn’t pay for that wasn’t given to him. Minor things. No one I have ever made has been perfect, but Medammit, was he close.”

I leaned back in my chair. “Wow. My mind is blown.”

“Welcome to Heaven, it’s usually the order of the day.” God chuckled.

“So what happened to Max? Can I see him again?”

“You can when you die permanantly. We’ll talk more then, before I let you into the actual main plaza. For now, I’m just going to tweak you a bit and send you back to Ponyville. Any modifications you would like in particular?”

I was stunned. “Wait, you mean I’m not staying?”

“I just implied that you didn’t permanently die. That nag, Celestia, is trying to bring you back to life, but I’m going to let her try for a while longer so we can keep talking.” He saw my panicked expression. “Don’t worry, all of twenty minutes has passed since you’ve been here, and That also accounts for your time in Hell. As it is, you’ve still got more time to serve there and you’ll keep accumulating more until you die permanently.”

“That’s nice.” I meekly replied.

“Here,” He stretched out a hand and I could feel my memories shuffling, “Your memories of Hell will be in your subconscious and your normal ones will be as they were before, though Hell leaves its mark rather deeply. You’ll remember it, but it will be that of a detached, distant feeling. Otherwise, you would go insane... " He pursed his lips." I’ll let you get this conversation written down before I start wiping it from your mind, so don’t worry about that. You may still remember bits and pieces, but not the entirety. You'll probably think you had some crazy drug binge while you wrote this, so there's always that.”

“So I’ll remember Hell and this conversation, but none of the pain.” He nodded. “Thanks God. So can I pray to you or anything? I mean, I don’t really know what to say. It’s not everyday you see The Creator.”

“I like praise as much as the next God, but I have plenty of it from other planets. Just live your life normally and we’ll be just fine. Seriously, whatever makes you happy and doesn’t hurt anyone else makes me happy.”

“That’s a really cool way of looking at things.”

“No, spanking a woman, or a man, during sex does not count as a sin. Neither does having multiple consensual partners.”

“Fuckin’ radical!”

“Swearing is a sin.” God deadpanned.

“My bad, mate.”

“I’m just joking with you, I really don’t care. So before I send you back, modifications?”

“Can you make me as tough as a pony? I’m tired of getting my shit wrecked by them, getting overpowered, and generally being super weak.”

He snapped. “Done. Anything else?”

“Magic maybe?” As overpowered as it is, it'd be useful

“Eh, I don’t know about that one. I’m not terribly fond of magic, which is why it’s so easy to corrupt. You can’t have something that unfair without some heavy caveats.” You're leaving something unsaid.

“How about some fun superpowers? Like freezing stuff or turning invisible?”

“I’ll give you some relatively weak telekinesis and two other things. I’m not letting you go back overpowered to high here.”

“Aww man. What about the ability to read auras? Like, to know how people are feeling or whether or not they’re lying? That one doesn’t sound too bad.”

“It doesn’t really, but you already have a piece of that since you can read body language pretty well. How about I just boost that and call it one off?”

“How boost are we talking?”

“‘How much boosting’ are we talking, actually. Just because I know what you’re trying to say doesn’t mean you can get lazy.”

“Fair enough. How much boosting are we talking?”

“I could let you be able to know up to ninety-two percent of the time what someone is feeling, and your deductive abilities will grow as a result. Of course, it would make no sense for the knowledge to just pop into your head. It’s not going to be terribly useful in Equestria, but it may come in handy if you ever leave the country. Actually, why don’t I just increase your seventh sense? It’s effectively an overall buff to your perception.”

“That’s a little shit, to be honest with you. I can’t see auras or whatever, and I’m already pretty perceptive.” I shook my head. “So what about the last one? Do you have any suggestions?”

“Hmm… I would go with something along the lines of quicker healing. It’s always a safe bet. And it would extend your lifespan quite a bit.” God wiggled his eyebrows.

“Again, how much? If a normal cut heals completely in a fortnight, how long would it take with accelerated regeneration? I haven’t exactly had the best of times with it.”

“Well, if a normal one takes two weeks, then I could limit that to a day. That does mean your lifespan will increase by a factor of fourteen, however.”

I did some mental math. “Wait, so I would live to be over a thousand years old!?”

“Yup, pretty much. Plus, with the near Eden-like air quality that Equus has maintained, unlike some planets, you’ll probably get another four to five hundred years on top of that, despite being contaminated. So with the current total, you’re looking at around fifteen hundred, and that’s not even counting the serum you were given that got you transported in the first place!”

“Wait, what serum?” I didn’t remember anything of the sort.

“I know you remember the needle ‘Rat Bastard,” He threw up some more air quotes, “stuck into your bottom. It was a prototype of sorts. That serum he injected you with increased your life expectancy by far too much for me to allow you to stay on Earth, so I consulted with a friend and put you somewhere else.”

“How long did the serum give me?”

“Just another three hundred or so odd years, but I’m sure once you start getting up there, it will matter less to you.

“You know, I’m not sure I really want to live that long. I was kind of hoping to, you know, live the average amount of time.”

“Well, I was going to send you away with one curse, but I suppose if you don’t want to live a long life, that’s plenty curse enough!” God smiled brilliantly.

“Mate. Mate!”

God snapped his fingers once more. “And it’s done! Plus one extra thing, but don't worry about that.”

“Please don’t do this. Seriously, please.” I shook hard.

“I never said I was a purely benevolent fellow, now did I? In fact, I send people to Hell more often than not, so you really can’t be surprised.”

“I thought you were supposed to be loving or something!”

“You thought wrong. I made man in my image, so it’s hardly news that I can be a bastard at times.”

“Bastard is right! I mean, thanks for the powers and all, but why the Hell are you making me live so long!?”

“If you must know, I just like you. That’s all there is to it.” God shrugged. “There’s nothing else to say. I put my favored creations through trials, and if they make it through, they don’t go to Hell for very long. I hope you make it through, I really do.”

“Don’t you already know what’s going to happen?” I asked. My chest pounded and I grabbed my heart.

“That’s just the thing, Kaid. I don’t know what’s going to happen on Equus. I had a friend make it for me.” My chest thudded again and knocked the wind from my lungs.

I gasped and dried to draw breath, but to no avail. “It would seem our time is up, my dear child. I’ll see you again, and we’ll have such a conversation! I do hope you’l tell me-”

I never heard the rest of what he said.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

My eyes shot open and I headbutted a horned person as I shot straight up, gasping for air and shaking like a leaf in a tornado.

“HOLY FUCKING SHITE”

“Max!” Fluttershy cried, crashing into me.

I looked around wild eyed, seeing that I was back in Fluttershy’s cabin in Ponyville. I shoved her off of me and kissed the ground, picking her back up and kissing her.

“You will not believe what just happened. I-” My heart throbbed painfully, making me stop short. I was certain that it was a warning and not just a coincidence. My memories of hell came back with a vengeance and faded just as quickly, making sure I got the point. I was to tell no one of my trip before I got it written down.

“Are you okay, dear? I was so sure that you weren’t coming back.” Celestia’s crackling voice caught my attention.

I broke free of Fluttershy and went for Celestia instead, wrapping my arms around her.

“Hun, thank you so much. Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

“Max, do you even know what happened to you!?” She cupped my face and looked me in the eye.

“Dead. I know I was so dead, that it took you twenty minutes to revive me.” No throb. I guess it was fine.

“...How do you know that?” Celestia inquired carefully.

“I wish I could tell you, but that’s not happening, but I will tell you words of things and such when I get back. Actually, and you teleport me home real quick? There’s something I really need to do!”

“Max, you’re acting very strange.” Twilight said from behind me.

“Oh, well look at you! I’m sorry, I didn’t even realize you were here. I’ll explain what I can soon, I promise.” I turned back to Celestia. “My house, can we go? Now?”

Celestia gave me a concerned look and teleported the four of us to my house, and though the storm was still raging, I gave no fucks and sprinted into my room and grabbed my journal. For the next two hours, I completely ignored my friend and lovers, writing down as much of the information I had gathered as I possibly could. It was a grueling process, but the memories were crystal clear and I was making rapid headway. Once I had cleared the last of my conversation with Him, I finally stopped, but my hand went back to the paper and wrote a little aside of its own, stating that I was by no means to say anything of my time in either domain, and if I was asked about it, to lie through my teeth on pain of another millennium downstairs. That was a horrifying thought, so I made a personal note to never get into the specific details. I noticed that the words seemed to flicker on the page before disappearing, so I squinted at them and they reappeared, but if I wasn't glaring at them, they were just gone. I figured Capital G put something on it so that no one would be able to read it besides me, so I breathed a sigh of relief.

I put my journals back in their proper place and returned to my living room.

“Are you done now?” Celestia asked tentatively.

“I am. Questions?”

“How did you know that you were dead?” Celestia demanded.

“I was floating outside of my body. It’s hard to explain, but it was like my soul was severed from my physical form!”

“That’s rather hard to believe, but I don’t know that you have a reason to lie. It’s simply incredible.” Celestia shook her head. “I thought you were gone, but I couldn’t stop trying! I swear to everything that you hold dear, that I will kill you if you ever die on me again, Max!” Her eyes brimmed with tears.

I walked over and held her. “Don’t worry, hun, I won’t die on you any time soon.” I held her at length once she collected herself.” So I met something interesting while I was dead.”

“What do you mean?” Twilight asked, joining us.

“Let’s have a seat, I’ve got some explaining to do.” Twilight stole my easy chair and I led Celestia to the couch, sitting between her and Fluttershy.

Crafting a story came easily. “So when I was having my out of body experience, I met a being called a Leshy that offered to grant me a wish or two since I took care of that little Kobold problem. Apparently, they were screwing with the natural order, so when I exterminated them, I did it a favor. I say it granted me a few wishes, but it kind of just dumped a couple of favors and one hell of a curse on my lap since apparently they do that.”

“What exactly is a Leshy?” Twilight asked.

“A guardian of the forest. It said that it was more powerful than most since it was in charge of the Everfree, or at least, that’s the gist of it.”

“I am not aware of any such creature.” Celestia said warily.

“Have you ever died?” I asked.

“Okay, you have me there. Please continue.”

“So the Leshy made me less squishy.” I looked at my nails and shined them on my shirt.

“Is that a tongue twister of some sort? Because it tells us nothing.” Celestia rubbed her eyes.

I glanced over at Celestia. “ You’re taking this whole nearly dying thing rather hard.” I rested my hand on hers. “Don’t get scared until I do, hun, it’s easier that way.”

“It may be easier for you, but it’s not something to get over so easily, Max. How are you so nonchalant about this?”

Twilight nodded her agreement. “The Princess is right, Max. I don’t see how you’re so calm!”

“I’m just taking it well because I’m alive. It just wasn’t quite my time, so I suppose it’s business as usual, considering this is the second time I’ve come back from the brink.”

Celestia glared at the the floor. “No, you’ve brushed against death before, but now you have actually died!” She turned her glare to me. “The way you’re reacting to this event, one might think it’s a common event.”

“Would you rather have me freaking out? Because I can do freaking out, but it involves copious quantities of alcohol, crying and swearing. I’m pretty fond of not doing that, but I can do if you please.”

Twilight looked at me like I was crazy and Celestia covered her face with her hands. Fluttershy touched my arm, garnering my attention.

“You should let it out, Max. You have us here to help you as much as you might need.”

I just went through a thousand years of torture and came out whole after being shredded like a bog roll, and Fluttershy thought some hugs and nice words would fix that. The memories were dulled, but they still scared the shit out of me considering that I might have to go through it again, but this time, with about nineteen hundred years worth of sins instead of just twenty odd years. The thought made my stomach churn.

“See? Just let it all out, Max.” Fluttershy crooned softly.

I threw up on her.

She looked at her ruined clothes in shock and Twilight gasped. Celestia’s magic flashed and Fluttershy was clean, but my mouth still tasted something awful. The aftertaste of the Hizketan Baia was back with a vengeance, so I skipped to my loo and threw up a few more times there. After brushing my teeth and gargling with some very intense mouthwash, I rejoined the women in the living room, but now it was just Celestia.

“Where’d Twilight and Fluttershy go?”

“I sent them off. I told them I’d watch over you for the rest of the day. Both Fluttershy and Twilight offered to come back at sunset, so in the meantime, what actually happened when you died? And why did the Hizketan kill you? I’ve seen ponies eat them by the hoofful and only get sick. Granted it was for days on end, but just sick nonetheless.”

“The berries just weren’t something I could consume, to answer that question. I can’t really go into detail about what happened, but know that I met something more powerful than you can imagine, and that it gave us a lot more time together.”

“What was the being?” Celestia inquired, her eyes gleaming.

“I can’t answer than, hun. I really can’t.”

“Well, why not?”

“When a thing as eldritch as the one I met is tells you to keep your mouth shut, you keep it shut. Apparently I can tell you some things, but not all upon pain of death, so please let it be.” I pleaded.

She still looked quite worried. “Alright. If that’s your wish, then I suppose I can deal with it. What did you mean when you said the Eldritch gave us more time together?”

“It means that, unless we tire of each other, we will be spending a lot of time together.”

“That’s very cryptic, Max. Can you tell me what that means?”

I sighed and rubbed my face, the nausea returned. “Look, this isn’t easy for me, Celestia… I’m going to live for far longer than I thought I would.”

“...How much longer?” Celestia’s eyebrows raised slightly, her mouth twitched at the corners, and she leaned forward. She was most certainly not as upset about this news as I was. The perception thing is already working.

“I’m going to live for nineteen hundred or so more years.”

“Max, I’m so sorry…”

“No you’re not. Your breathing is elevated, your eyes are wider than usual, and the corners of your mouth are twitching. You’ve got the tone down pat, and the facial expressions for the most part, but you haven’t had enough practice with your body language since you don’t often have guests that are as astute as I am. You’re thrilled Celestia, and I understand why, but I just can’t match it.”

“That was a very interesting deduction. Is that what you meant when you said you were becoming less squishy? That you were becoming sharper?”

“No, I mean I should be as sturdy as a pony now, but I don’t know how to check that without getting hurt.”

Celestia extended her hand. “If I may?”

I took it and her horn glowed. There was an odd itchy sensation in my bones that spread from the top of my fuzzy pate down to my toes. It wasn’t wholly unpleasant, though it was uncomfortable when it spread through my rib and left arm. After remembering that I had broken the shit out of them, I blamed that and wondered how long this was supposed to take.

Celestia took my hand in both of hers. “Well, I wouldn’t say you’re as tough as an earth pony, but you’re definitely not as frail as you once were. In fact, you could probably punch the pegasus who ordered this storm and win.” She grinned at me.

“Speaking of, have you seen the outside? Seriously, if you can get these clouds to part, just look.”

She gave me a puzzled look. “I suppose I could give it a glance, but I don’t see why. It should blow over soon enough, if Ponyville’s weather team is as good as their records show.”

“The thing is, Rainbow Dash is the one who threw this storm on me around sunset last night.” I explained the rest of the situation with Pinkie and dipped into the quarrel with Rarity.

“What did I tell you about infuriating mares, Max?” She rubbed her temples.

“Oi! I’m in the right here!” I protested.

“You tend to be, but that’s not how mares think. Sometimes it’s better to just apologize, even if it’s not your fault.”

“Not fucking happening. I’m not a doormat, and I refuse to be treated as one. Now that I know I could take her without dying, I think it’s time Rainbow and I had a little chat about the values of home ownership.”

Celestia put a hand on my leg. “Well, the house may be in your name, but it’s on my land, dear. This is Royal property she is ruining, so it’s my jurisdiction.”

“So what are you going to do to her? Charge her with vandalism?”

“I can’t charge Rainbow for the same reason I couldn't charge Applejack, Max. You should understand that.”

“So what? Am I just supposed to sit here with my thumbs up my arse, wishing that Rainbow would change her mind and help me pay for the damages? Seriously, I’m not completely familiar with the value of a bit, but I know that what’s happened so far is going to cost a pretty penny to fix or replace!”

“You had no problem replacing my loveseat.”

“Cuntie sat on it. She didn’t amalgamate a storm together and start shearing bits of my house away!”

Celestia’s eyes widened. “Let’s take a step out side.”

I stood up and lead the way with Celestia’s magic keeping us dry. We quickly circled the property and counted thirteen lightning related burn marks that were awfully close to the entrances and exits of my house, a fuckton of missing shingles, two torn off shutters, and most of my porch furniture was gone with the wind, save for the old loveseat and the porch swing which turned out to be bolted down rather well. I pointed out damages to the siding and two cracked windows and Celestia was definitely not happy.

When we were back inside, she chose to stand rather than sit. I joined her.

“It’s one thing to attack me, but it’s another thing to attack my home.” I said quietly.

“I was quite fond of this house when I saw it for the first time. It was quaint and out of the way, had a nice rustic aura to it.” Celestia looked around. “I see you’ve added wall sconces and a painting.”

I knew she was just trying to get my mind off of Rainbow trashing my home, but having it laid out bare for me was more incensing that just looking at it from afar. When I didn’t respond, Celestia brought me in for a hug.

“Don’t let it get to you, dear. I’ll take care of it.”

“I don’t need you to, hun. I’ll handle this.”

“No, your idea of handling this is going to end in a fight. My idea of handling this is going to end with nopony getting hurt.”

“Your way is going to make it seem like I run to you whenever I have a problem. I was going to write you a letter asking for your assistance earlier, but if I can’t handle a matter with my friend, how could I do so with anyone else?”

She held me at arm's length. “I’m supervising.”

I rolled my eyes. “If it makes you feel better, then sure. Let’s go get this over with before my house blows down.”

We walked into town and stopped by Twilight’s, hoping that she would know where Rainbow Dash was. Of course, once word got out that Princess Celestia herself was looking for someone, that someone was found posthaste and informed of the situation. A rainbow colored streak crossed the sky about twenty minutes after we visited Twilight and landed in front of the Treebrary. Celestia and Twilight sat at the kitchen table with me standing just off to the side out of view. Rainbow ran in without knocking and stopped when she saw The Princess and the scholar.

“Princess! I came as fast as I could! What do you need me for?” Rainbow beamed.

Twilight looked down and Celestia gave her a tight smile. It was then that I made my presence known.

“Hi Rainbow. Let’s have a chat, yeah?”

Her face contorted in anger. “I don’t have anything to talk to you about.”

“You know, that would be true if there wasn’t a storm over my house causing extensive damage. I saw you drop it off, and I can deal with some rain. Hell, if it was just rain, we wouldn’t be talking, but you had to go that extra step. You’re causing property damage, Rainbow, and a lot of it. You happen to lead the local Weather Team, so it’s your problem professionally and personally, whether you like it or not.”

“I don’t see how it’s my problem. It’s not like you have proof that I did anything!” She retorted hotly.

I shrugged. “I don’t need proof of you personally doing anything, I just need proof of your extreme negligence as a Weather Mare, and since my house is still being torn apart by your little temper tantrum, it’s well within my rights to charge you for damages.”

“Go ahead! I’m not gonna give you as single bit!”

“See, you happen to think I’m either going to back down or let it slide because we’re friends. You may have another reason for thinking that, but it’s really not important because I want to beat your face into a pulp. Give me a good reason not to, and we’ll see where it goes from there.”

“Max! I did not bring you here to threaten Rainbow Dash! You said you would resolve this peacefully.” Celestia simmered.

I shrugged. “You heard the woman. She just said she isn’t going to pay me for wrecking my house.”

“You say that as if money is an issue! Max, you could build another house and still be fine for years!”

“The thing about that is when you give something to someone who’s never had anything, they tend to cling to it with every ounce of their strength. I’m not going to stand by and let some pumped up, arrogant shit head ruin my things just because they’re upset.” I turned back to Rainbow who was now fuming.

“You. Me. Outside.” She indicated the great outdoors.

I was about to lead the way when Celestia and Twilight’s magic enveloped us.

The tall white mare marched over and spared me a glare before standing in front of Rainbow. “No. Rainbow Dash, you will abate the storm over Max’s house, and if I hear of you or any of the ponies under your command doing something else to exact whatever misplaced notion of vengeance you have, I will be back and I will arrest you for assault on a Royal Operative, Destruction of Royal Property, and Gross Criminal Negligence, which are all of the things I should be charging you with now. Do you understand?”

Rainbow gulped and nodded rapidly.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that.” Celestia was in full Princess mode now, and it was hotter than hell. I may or may not have a thing for authority when it’s not being used against me.

"I-I understand." Rainbow answered weakly.

Celestia whipped around and poked me in the chest. “And you. Max, if you come after Rainbow for this, I will arrest you too. No being sent to a nice place to serve your time, no mares to charm, and no contact with anypony. Do you understand?”

“Good lord, you are so hot when you’re pissed.” Her eyes narrowed. “I hear you, hun. Who’s going to fix my house, though?”

“Do. You. Understand.” She clearly wasn’t in the mood for my shit.

“I understand, Celestia. I won’t kill Rainbow for attacking your gift.”

“Wait, my what?” She asked. Do you have dementia or something?

“You gave me the house, hun, remember? That’s like, half the reason I’m so mad about it.”

Rainbow paled. “What?”

She garnered the attention of everyone in the room. I spoke first. “Yeah, you just tore pieces off of Celestia’s first gift to her lover, me.”

“That changes nothing, seeing as how I forgot about it in the first place.” Celestia rubbed her temples. “Why does being around you always give me a headache?”

“Endorphin overdose? Maybe you love me so much it hurts.” I grinned as Twilight and Celestia released their magic.

“Princess, if it makes you feel any better, he has the same on most of the girls.” Twilight offered.

Rainbow stood awkwardly by the door, trying to avoid being looked at after being reamed thoroughly and threatened with imprisonment. I knew that the only one of us in any real danger was myself, so I couldn’t feel bad for her. It was her own fault anyways. After a few minutes of conversation between Celestia and her student, she coughed and raised her hand.

“E-Excuse me Princess, but can I go now?”

“Yes, you can go dissipate that horrid storm.” Celestia responded sharply.

Rainbow visibly winced and got out as quickly as she could. “You know, fighting her would have been fun since I wouldn’t die from it.” I said quietly.

Celestia glanced at me. “Shut up, Max.”

“If you use your lips, it’ll happen faster.”

Celestia rolled her eyes and Twilight blushed. “Tell me, Twilight, does he ask a kiss from every mare, or is it just me?”

“Uh…” She gracefully replied.

“I do not! In fact, Twilight gave me one of her own free will not to long ago.” I beamed at the purple mare.

Celestia raised her brow. “Are you sure you didn’t coerce her? It would be rather surprising to hear that my student is making a move on my stallion.” She gave me a little ‘OK’ hand gesture outside of Twilight’s field of vision and I returned it with a thumbs up.

“P-P-Princess, I-I wasn’t trying to steal him-”

“I don’t know, that was an awfully tender kiss. Even I felt a little dirty after it.” I fanned myself.

Twilight's eyes darted between Celestia and I. “That’s not what happened! It was just a peck, I swear!”

“Are you sure? I think it may have been more than that.” Celestia tilted her head upward and looked down on Twilight.

“If it had been any hotter, she would have slipped me some tongue.” I nodded sagely.

Twilight looked between us and blushed brightly. “I would not!”

“Not without Celestia’s permission. Do you think it’s okay for Twilight to kiss me so?” I inquired.

“Hmm… I suppose I could let it slide this one time. Perhaps if you were to show me what happened, I would be more lenient.” The corner of her mouth tilted slightly.

“I-I couldn’t!” Twilight protested.

I stepped over to her quickly, and before she could distance herself, I pressed my lips to Twilight’s. She gave up trying to push me away after a few moments and melted in my arms which would have gone poorly had I not been bolstered. I could actually hold her up with a bit of effort and I would bet that carrying her was now an actual possibility. The one time I had, I had the strength of a drunk, horny man to back it up.

I let Twilight fall when she began to respond to the bit of tongue because I’m evil like that. She lay on the ground for a bit and gasped for air, trying to get her bearings.

“You realize that was quite unnecessary, right?” Celestia commented indifferently.

“It may have been, but you gave me permission, so I wasn’t going to let it go to waste.” I offered Twilight a hand and she came out of her daze.

“...That- that wasn’t what happened.” She protested breathlessly.

“I believe you, Twilight.” Celestia patted her shoulder lightly. “I apologize for Max’s behavior since I highly doubt that he’s going to.”

“I’m sure all parties involved had a good time. Am I right, Twilight?”

“Yes! I mean, well, uh…” She glanced to Celestia who was wearing a small smile. “Maybe?”

Celestia shook her head and looked to me. “You may be the most infuriating stallion in Equestria, but you’re amusing at times, I’ll give you that.”

“Considering that you were just threatening to arrest me, I’d say you’re more amusing than I am.”

“I’ve learned that staying mad at you is like trying to stay mad at an oversized puppy; it’s not terribly possible. If you soil my rugs, however, I will beat you senseless with a newspaper.”

“How brutish! I’m ashamed of you, Celestia, resorting to violence first!”

“You have no room to talk. What say we have a seat and a cup of tea? I’m tired of dealing with your nonsense for right now.”

Twilight perked up. “I have some black tea, if you like it, Princess. I’m sorry I don’t keep a stock of your favorite.”

“It will be fine, Twilight. Thank you for being our host for the afternoon. I do apologize for being so cross with your friend.”

We sat in Twilight’s kitchen and had some tea. Black is actually one of my favorite kinds, but she made it awfully weak, so it more like hot flavoured water. I still drank it for politeness sake, though my fondness for tea took a hit. I would have to show her how to make a proper cup without those pathetic bags some time. It may mean a bit more clean up depending on how you do it, but it really would show in the richness of the flavor.

Tea related tangents aside, we spent a few more hours at Twilight’s Treebrary before Celestia had to take her leave. Since it wasn’t my house, I couldn’t tell her to go through the door before teleporting, so I was a little miffed, but dealt with it. Spike was still avoiding the hell out of me in his room, so Twilight bid her goodbyes to him upstairs and followed me to my poor house. Rainbow had done as Celestia asked, so we didn’t have to run in thankfully, though I was sure Rainbow still wasn’t happy that she didn’t get to give me a piece of her mind. The girl was more of a powder keg than her friends realized, taking little to set her off and making her easy to manipulate through her anger. Challenge her to do something stupid and she probably would, especially if you call her a coward. Rainbow really wasn’t the sharpest crayon in the kitchen.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I truly began to miss television and other amenities that allow one to ignore an awkward silence, but sadly such luxuries are nonexistent in Ponyland so my attempts to start a conversation with Twilight fizzled with her paltry, short sighted answers. I was honestly surprised that she wasn’t being receptive at all since most of the ponies will talk your ear off if given the chance. They’ll deafen you slowly, but if they’re ever silent or coy, something is most certainly up, just like with talkative humans. In fact, that’s a large reason as to why I don’t really trust Fluttershy much; She’s far too quiet to not be holding secrets or baggage that could explain why she is how she is. I’ve never been one to trust very easily, although things change and now that I’ve found myself in a relationship with her, built on a foolish foundation, I have little choice in the matter. I suppose that I could just not trust her and carry on, but that would defeat the purpose of giving her a chance, so now I’m effectively stuck, leaving me with a feeling more foreboding than the one I currently had about Twilight.

I had plenty of time to sort through my thoughts and looked over to the cute purple mare. She was sitting awkwardly with her legs crossed and her hands stacked upon her knees, her blouse slash skirt combo giving me the impression that a naughty schoolgirl had sat herself down in my living room and was now awaiting the headmaster. In a way it was slightly alluring, but I had to keep in mind just whose student she was, and that I had only been given permission for that one kiss. I was confident that I could coax a few more from her if I felt like it, and I must say that I was rather tempted. Twilight had the softest lips of anyone I had kissed by far.

As I studied Twilight, I realized just what the boost to my perception had actually done. I could see individual follicles of hair and the skin beneath with an awesome clarity, and the irises of her eyes gleamed in the light of my home. I saw a faint dampness on her fingers, likely from a cold sweat or from nervousness, and the hunch of her shoulders in combination with the relative straightness of her back and her crossed legs told me that she was uncomfortable, but I didn’t know exactly why. Just looking at her for more than a few seconds gave me a good picture of how she was feeling at the moment, so I tapered my approach to suit that.

I strode over at a calm gait, trying to come off as non-threatening as possible as I knelt beside her. “Twilight, are you okay, love? Something on your mind?”

Twilight jumped hard, having ignored my presence until now. “Oh! What was that? I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening.”

“It’s fine. I was just asking about what’s on your mind.”

“Oh, that… It’s nothing terribly important, don’t worry about it.” Her eyes flickered away from me and her nose darkened for a moment. I had read somewhere about the Pinocchio effect, and it seemed that according to it, Twilight was lying to me. Not that I needed enhanced perception to know that.

“Look, Twilight,” I began softly, “I won’t badger you for information you don’t want to share, but I’ll gladly help you any way I can.”

“...It’s not really something you can help with.”

“Then maybe I can just lend an ear? They’re pretty much made for listening.”

“What other purpose would they have?” The ghost of a smile crossed her face.

I reached up and fondled one of hers. “Well in your case, they’re cute and fun to play with. In my case, they’re just ugly decorations that funnel vibrations in the air to a little membrane further in.”

Twilight shied away from me and I let my hand fall to the arm of the lounge chair. She was being oddly distant, and her body language told me little other than she was hiding something and that she was quite anxious about something. I didn’t like being left in the dark when it came to a friend, but if I wanted respect for my own privacy, I would have to give some first. I sighed and walked back to my room, grabbing my journals and filling in what had happened so far. There wasn’t much to do, so I was finished in a matter of minutes, left with to my own devices while Twilight did… Well, nothing. She just sat and stared at the floor while chewing on her bottom lip. I had to get her out of the house, more for my own sanity than hers. I found it to be quite frustrating to sit and do pretty much nothing. I was about to prepare for a quick walk when I realized that I still had the smut I had been writing!

I rushed off to go grab the relatively small book and flipped to find the page I had left off on. I could finish it now, or I could allow Twilight to read it and we could actually talk about something! Needless to say, I went with the latter.

Coming back to the living room, I held the book up. “Oi! Twi!”

She jumped again. “What!?”

“Chill, just wanted to know if you’d be interested in reading some literature I wrote. I decided to continue on with my writing, and since you’re the foremost authority on books in town, I’d like you to read through it for me.” I gave her a winsome smile.

She blinked. “Oh. No thank you.”

“Oh? Twilight Sparkle denying an opportunity to read? Preposterous!”

Twilight shifted in her seat. “Well, I’m sure it’s something similar to the prank you pulled.”

“It is, but it’s not complete nonsense like that one was; This one has a plot!”

“...So did the Daffodil Bean story.”

“Yes, but this one has a coherent plot that doesn’t revolve around sex! It’s still a bit harlequin romance-esque, though I stand by what I said. The first twenty or so pages? No sex. None whatsoever.”

Twilight twisted her hair and avoided looking at me.. “I’m sorry, I’m just not really feeling up to it.”

Alright, something was seriously wrong. I pulled my easy chair over to Twilight and stared at her for a few minutes, making her squirm under my intense gaze. I happen to be quite the staring contest champion, and now that I could analyze every inch of her with a clarity that I had lacked before, it felt as if I was drilling holes into wherever I looked. It didn’t help that I stayed completely silent during the event, controlling my breathing so that I became little more than a watchful living statue.

Twilight broke after my third blink, about four minutes later. “M-Max?”

I blinked rapidly to rehydrate my eyes. “Yes, love?”

“Why were you staring at me?”

“Because you’ve been acting weird ever since we got here. You barely respond to any sort of conversation, you’re being more bashful than usual, and you won’t read. We’ve been sitting in an awkward silence for the better part of an hour.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, ‘oh’. Seriously, what’s going on, Twilight? You were fine when Celestia was over.”

“It’s nothing, I’m just feeling a bit, er, off. It’s nothing to worry about.” Twilight averted her eyes.

“Gee, Twi, when you say it like that, all of my worries are gone. I’m starting to think that I’m actually going to have to grill you for information.”

“Please don’t.” She gnawed on her lower lip and sent some serious sad eyes my way.

I shook my head. “When you look at me like that, it’s harder to be mean. Fine, I’ll leave it be, but you’re worrying me, Twilight.”

“Don’t be worried! Honestly, I think it’s just something I’m going to have to deal with on my own.” Twilight simpered.

Sighing, I shook my head. “I’m sure you’ll deal with it efficiently. You’re a smart young woman with a head full of ideas. There’s little I know of that can keep you down for long, especially since you're so damn inventive. I trust your judgement, but I can't help but worry about you sometimes, you know? You're the first friend I made in Equestria, so you're pretty important to me.”

Twilight looked like she was about to cry. Thankfully she didn’t, at least, not before she enveloped me in a very pleasant hug. It was the most emotion I had seen from her since she entered my house, and it made me happy that I could elicit such a response from her after her previous reticent behavior. She let me go and stared into my eyes.

“Max, there’s something I have to tell you.” Her eyes shone and the pieces fell into their places.

“Aww, shiiite.” I muttered.

“What was that?” Twilight asked.

“I know what you have to say, and I assure you that it will not end well, Twilight.”

“H-How do you know!? I thought I hid it so well!”

“I’m observant and you were making it obvious, I just wasn’t picking up on it. I should’ve known!” I slapped my hands on my face and dragged them down. “I’m telling you now: I’ll give you a shot, but I’m a fucking prick like no other.”

“...You don’t seem very happy about it.”

“I’m honored, really. I just don’t want to disappoint you or hurt you like I know I will.”

“But you’re mellowing out pretty well so far! I mean, the incident with Cuntie and Rarity was pretty bad, but it would have been worse if you weren’t getting better!”

“The thing is, I was more irate with Rarity than I have been since arriving in this world, so I don’t really feel like I’m making that much progress, you know? The chav I hold deep down inside came out and spouted off some frankly terrible things.”

“Well, it was a very stressful situation…”

“If I can’t keep my cool, then how safe am I to be around? Hell, I almost had a fistfight with Rainbow!”

Twilight winced. “In fairness, she did do a number on your house.”

“And she’s also saved my life before. I’m a volatile bastard, Twilight, and I’m going to hurt you, one way or another. I just know it.”

“And I know that you make me smile when I’m not mad at you. I know that you make my heart leap whenever I see you, and I know that you’re better than you pretend to be by a longshot. You’re a good stallion, Max. You’re loyal, kind at times, funny, and stubborn like no other. There’s so much to love about you, Max, it’s just that you don’t even bother to try and see! That’s a part of the reason Rarity got so mad at you. It’s because we know you’re good, there are just boundaries that are more important to you then there are to us, and…” Twilight trailed off.

“And? Don’t stop there, my ego is almost ready to burst!”

“It’s not really a compliment, Max.”

“Then say it anyways. I’ve a thick skin, love.”

“Well, everypony is kinda getting tired of walking on eggshells around you. Applejack understands you the best, but even she worries about saying the wrong thing constantly.” Twilight interlaced her finger and looked away, shrinking back into her chair.

“There’s little that you can say that will set me off, Twilight, it’s inconsiderate actions that get to me. Thoughtless bullshit that anyone from my world would be upset with, not just me. No one likes being told what to do, rushed, or having their privacy invaded. I know you ponies get upset when that happens too, I just show it in a different way.”

“So your arguments with Fluttershy? What were they about?”

“She was trying to tell me what to do and she tried rushing me into seeing Applejack when I first came into town.”

“And Cuntie invaded your privacy.”

“Twice.”

“Right… When you put it like that, it’s easier to understand.”

“I’ve put it like that everytime I start shouting. It’s just very hard to get past the volume into the important things.”

“True. Maybe if you shouted less, ponies wouldn’t be so afraid of you?”

“Since when were any of the Ponies scared of me?”

“Well, both of the Cakes are scared of you ever since you broke in and ransacked Cuntie’s room.”

“I’d like to point out that we broke in, not just me.”

“...Also true.”

The awkward silence returned with a vengeance, but I was having none of it. I grabbed Twilight’s hand, pretty much dragging her over to my loveseat, and sat down with her in my lap. If we were going to be a couple, we may as well act like it, and I found that having a lovely woman in your lap was quite nice on its own. Twilight may have not been gifted the same endowments as Fluttershy or Applejack, but she was squishy in all the right ways, and her generally smaller frame was well suited to being my little spoon.

She sat upright rather stiffly, using my lap as if it were a stool, which was very awkward. Rolling my eyes, I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around her.

“Max! What if somepony comes in!?”

“Then I’ll swear at them until they leave. It’s rather rude to let oneself in uninvited.”

“...Didn’t we do that already? When we came over-”

“Yes, you did. No, don’t bring that up. You’re in your boyfriend’s warm embrace, sit back and relax, love.”

I let go and she eased up a bit. “You’re doing better. Now try and find something that’s comfortable for you.”

Twilight shifted around a bit for a few minutes and tried to get comfortable, but it was getting to be quite clear that this type of cuddling wasn’t her bag. Sighing, I picked her up, carried her off to the couch and set her down gently. I had been thinking of just dropping her, but that would be too mean.

“When did you get strong enough to do that!?” Twilight asked, wide eyed.

“Post mortem, love. I’ve carried you before, you know.” I plopped down next to her, taking her hand once I was settled.

She glowed red. “I forgot about that. I wondered how I got into my room that night.”

“Before death, that was fucking difficult, even with my drunken strength. You ponies are some dense creatures.”

“I feel like you mean something else.” Whaaaat?

“What? No I don’t.”

She glared at me adorably “You do! Not all ponies are dumb, Max.”

“I’m speaking to one of the best and brightest. I know that pretty well, love.” I booped her nose.

Twilight scrunched up her nose and swatted my hand. “You’re just being nice to distract me!”

I leaned in and kissed her cheek. “If I wanted to distract you, I have much better avenues, believe me.”

“Oh? Like what?” Twilight asked.

I gave her a dirty grin and flicked my eyes down to her breasts. “I can show you, if you’re curious.”

Her face lit up and her eyes were bolted to the clock on the wall. “Would you look at the time! Fluttershy should be here any minute!”

I spared the clock a fleeting glance. “We have all the time I need.” I sat on one knee and started kissing the side of her neck up to her jaw.

Twilight shivered, but didn’t stop me. “We really shouldn’t, Max!”

I tilted her chin towards me and pressed my lips against hers, Twilight quickly surrendering to my ministrations. I gave her my best and she responded with no small amount of enthusiasm, though her skill hadn’t improved at all. However, it mattered less and less as we carried on, giving her time to get the gist of the action. It was very apparent that I was going to have to be the initiator if I wanted this to go any further, but I was content with snogging Twilight for the time being. As I’ve said before, the woman had some very nice lips, and if she wanted to keep it relatively innocent for the time being, I was happy to oblige.

We were still going at it when we heard someone clear their throat. I had been paying special attention to the task at hand, so it didn’t surprise me that Fluttershy of all people was able to enter unheard. Twilight jolted away and nearly bit my fucking tongue when she realized that Fluttershy was watching.

I was rather nonplussed myself, though I did wipe my mouth off before speaking. “Hullo, Fluttershy. What’s up?”

“O-Oh, you know... “ She twirled her hair.

I glanced over to Twilight who was still hilariously mortified at being caught. “Oh yeah, so Twilight and I are dating now. Figured I should let you know.”

“T-That’s nice…” Fluttershy didn’t seem upset, but it was still quite awkward.

“Have you ever tried kissing Twilight? I highly recommend it. Feel free to give it a shot while I write Celestia a note.”

I grinned as I left the room and jotted down a quick note, relaying what had happened and telling her that Twilight had fallen prey to my irresistible charm. Since Luna had taken over the day’s proceedings in Canterlot, Celestia was able to respond quickly. She was not happy. Long story short, Celestia forbade me from laying Twilight in any shape from or fashion while we were together, and since I actually loved Celestia, my choice was rather simple. She didn’t explain why exactly she was so opposed to the idea of me being with Twilight, but I had a pretty good idea.

I agreed to break things off with Twilight on the condition that Celestia help explain just why I had to. I warned her that snuffing Twilight’s flame like that would never end well, and it took her much longer to reply this time. Celly’s response was that I could continue seeing Twilight on the condition that I don’t ‘go all the way’ with her. So basically, I could do the nice day time things with Twilight, but the night moves were on hold for the foreseeable future, which I found to be an odd rule, though it was an agreeable one. Breaking the news to her would be quite weird, but I suppose that there were worse conversations to have.

I strolled back into the living room after ten or so minutes and found Twilight and Fluttershy with their lips puckered, eyes closed, and their postures rigid. Their faces were a hand’s length from each other, and they both seemed very hesitant to go through with it, so I sneakily stalked forward, controlling my breathing so that I wouldn’t make the slightest noise. I was successful in my mission, and as an uncontrollable grin widened my mouth, I pushed the two women towards each other, causing them to lock lips. Both jolted backwards and blushed furiously at my little joke.

“You girls know that it’s only kissing if you actually do it, right?” I said cheekily.

“Max!” Twilight said. “We didn’t need your help!”

“Then perhaps you’d like to repeat the performance?” I teased.

“Well, it wasn’t much of a kiss…” Fluttershy murmured.

I poked Twilight’s side. “See? Fluttershy agrees!”

Twilight sat still and the blush on her face grew as I looked at her expectantly. I peered at Fluttershy momentarily and saw unease on her face, which made me curious. I went back to studying Twilight, finding that anxiety, embarrassment, and a bit of anger carved its way through her posture in the most minute of details. I was pushing her to do something that she had barely mustered up the nerve to do the first time, and I was willing to bet that she was feeling the peer pressure in the most terrible way. It wasn’t that I was trying to be mean, it's just difficult to cull the good natured ribbing that I grew up with. Debating on whether or not to show Twilight what exactly she was trying to get into or to just give it up, I was in the middle of quite the moral quandary. Should I, in essence, give her reasons to hate me so that she sees the folly in trying to love me? Or should I continue on the path of trying to be a decent guy and let it go? In one fell swoop, I could create an event that would show both Twilight and Fluttershy that I could be a cruel bastard without even trying, or I could show them that I was advancing on my chosen path and slowly becoming a man worthy of their love. Maybe I was just reading too deeply into it, but my choice was as clear as mud. When in doubt, take the middle path and share one’s thoughts.

“You know, I’d like to point something out.” I said loftily.

That got their attention. “Please don’t.” Twilight squeaked.

I booped her nose and grinned. “Nah, I’m still going to. While you’ve been staring at Fluttershy’s magnificent mammaries, I had a little thought.”

“I-I-I was not!” She stammered.

“You totally were. Anyway, like I was saying, I was thinking about the pressure I was putting on you two just now and briefly wondered whether or not it was the right choice to just let the matter drop or to push you harder and make both of you uncomfortable as hell.” Fluttershy and Twilight stared at me. “I mean, it would be a great way to show you that, if I’m not careful, I’m going to be a proper prick to both of you whenever the Hell I feel like it, and that there’s precious little you can do about it other than say no. Considering that saying no doesn’t include barbed compliments or teasing that goes too far, I’m saying again that there really isn’t much you can do about it besides just not talking to me, but since we’re dating,” I pointed at both of them, “it would defeat the purpose of being with me. So, in conclusion, instead of pressuring you two into doing something that your hearts aren’t in, I decided to share my thoughts with you. Any comments?”

Twilight’s jaw dropped, so Fluttershy was the first to answer. “...I-I don’t think you would ever be that m-mean on purpose, though. You just said that you considered pressing the issue but didn’t, so a-at the very least, you’re being thoughtful and acting less impulsively.”

Twilight shook her head to clear it. “Fluttershy’s right. If you really were that mean, you wouldn’t have shared your thoughts and just kept them to yourself, or rather, you wouldn’t have even had those thoughts and just kept going. Like I told you earlier, Max, you’re not as bad as you think you are most of the time.”

“Does that mean you’re fine with the fact that I literally pushed you and Fluttershy to kiss?” I beamed.

They shared a look and Twilight’s magic grabbed me. “What do you think, Fluttershy? Should we let him off the hook for being a bad little colt?”

The buttery mare pretended to think. “I don’t think so, Twilight. Max already gets away with an awful lot of things.”

“Hey! To be fair, and hopefully get me out of whatever evils you two are thinking of, I did die today, so I think I deserve a bit of leeway. Teasing is just my way of coping with my own death. You wouldn’t punish someone for trying to heal, would you?” I said quickly.

Fluttershy looked very guilty and I immediately felt bad. “When you put it like that…” She rubbed her arm and looked away.

“...Maybe this one time?” Twilight suggested nervously.

I immediately felt awful “Look, girls, I wasn’t trying to guilt trip you. Especially not you, poppet.”

“I-It’s okay…” Fluttershy muttered softly.

Now that the mood was killed and that pesky awkward silence was back again, I decided to switch tactics and go for a distraction. If Twilight wouldn’t give my literature a try, I’m sure that Fluttershy would be willing.

“Hey, Fluttershy.” I said casually.

“Yes?” She responded.

“How would you rate your eye for literature? On a scale of one to ten?”

Twilight’s ears twitched. “Don’t fall for it, Fluttershy! He’s going to have you read his dirty work!”

Fluttershy blushed and looked at her hands. “W-Well… I don’t think I would mind. I-If Max wrote it, it’s probably not bad.”

I smiled. “Fantastic! I knew I could trust you to be the mature one, Fluttershy!” Twilight stuck her tongue out at me, proving my point. I grabbed the book from the table I had set it on and handed it to Fluttershy.

Twilight and I made some idle conversation as Fluttershy read on, but I had this feeling of giddiness that wouldn’t leave, no matter what I did. I tried to calm myself, but the fact that someone was reading my work and that they seemed to be enraptured gave me a feeling like no other, and I couldn’t wait to hear what she thought. Twilight had to grab my attention a few times when I trailed off and stopped talking, too busy looking at Fluttershy and trying to gauge her reaction to carry on a real conversation. I could tell that I was starting to irritate Twilight, but there was little I could do. I was anxious to see if Fluttershy approved of my work so far.

I tried to focus on Twilight and managed to succeed a little, but when I dropped the little bomb about Celestia not approving of any bedroom activities, she barely reacted. She told me that she was a little disappointed, although she wasn’t really interested in me for the sex, which was a nice change of pace. Twilight mostly wanted to see and talk to me more often, dating being the perfect fix to that. It made me feel rather flattered.

Fluttershy finished what I had written much faster than the majority of her friends could have, but Twilight and I still could have halved her time easily. Not that I read as fast as Twilight, but my normal pace was close to when she was reading for fun. As it was, I abruptly ended my conversation with the lavender lover to see what the buttery fluttery one thought of my writing.

“Sooo? Is it good?” I asked, trying to keep my voice calm.

“Max…” Fluttershy started.

I slapped my hands to my face and let them slide down. “Oh dear lord, it’s bad isn’t it?”

“W-Well…” Fluttershy hid behind her hair, her face bright red.

“Don’t take it personally, Max.” Twilight cut in. “Not everypony is suited to writing! It might not be your thing, but there’s other activities to enjoy!”

“B-But..” Fluttershy trailed off.

Twilight was preparing to say something else, but I raised a hand to ward off her words for the moment. “Hold on, Twi. What’s up, Fluttercup?”

“I-I’ve been trying to say t-that your book just needs to be finished…” She peeked at me,

I scratched my head. “Oh. I know that. What do you think of it so far?”

“It’s…” I leaned forward, waiting for her to speak.

Fluttershy balked once more and studied the hardwood floor. I looked to Twilight and she simply shrugged. From the look on her face, I could tell that she was a little interested, but not terribly so. It was a bit of a piss off honestly. I spent hours on that!

“I-I-It was good.” Fluttershy whispered.

“Yes!” Reaching for the sky, I cheered and laughed. “I really do hope you’re not just sparing my feelings here, poppet, because I’d be perfectly fine with going back to the drawing board.”

“W-Well…”

“Mate.” My smile melted.

“W-Wait!” Fluttershy raised her hands palm forward. “I-It really is good!”

“Seriously, you’ve gotta stop trailing off. Next thing you know, you’ll have agreed to be the star of an orgy and your bum will be wrecked.”

Twilight gave me an odd look. “What’s an orgy?”

“You know what? Don’t let me spoil your innocent ears with more of my filth.” I said hastily.

“You say that a lot…” The yellow mare pointed out.

I raised a brow. “It’s probably because it’s often the appropriate response. Do you know what an orgy is?”

“W-Well, no.”

“Exactly. And far be it from me to be the one to tell you.”

Twilight pursed her lips. “Why don’t you just tell us what it is? I’m certain you’ve said worse things before, and one more thing isn’t really going to change that.”

“True, but I’d rather not if I don’t have to.” I replied.

Twilight rolled her eyes and the subject was dropped. After a few minutes of more idle small talk, I made some tea and grabbed some biscuits to go with it. Twilight wasn’t planning on staying the night, so she left around ten to get back home to Spike which left Fluttershy and I to do as we pleased, if you know what I mean. Actually, you don’t have to know what I mean because all we did was go to bed soon after Twilight left. It must be said that sleeping with Fluttershy, stroke any funny business, was a very pleasant experience.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Fluttershy and I headed back to her cabin the next morning, and I began to miss Lupa more than I had been. I still didn’t know where the hell she was, and I hadn’t tried talking to her yet, so I didn’t really want to speak to any of Fluttershy’s animals before I had a chance to see her. Speaking of, it turned out that the Hizketan Baia did work. As we approached Fluttershy’s home, I could hear the odd word or two, but couldn’t really make anything out, but Fluttershy’s grin told me that the berries had worked for her.

“So they didn’t poison you after all. How is it? Speaking to your animals, that is.” I asked.

“I never told you? I could have sworn I did.”

“Well, we didn’t talk much last night after Twilight left and we haven’t really had much of a chance anyways. Now’s the perfect time if you ask me.”

“I didn’t ask you.” Fluttershy answered melodiously.

“Have I mentioned how much I love talking to you when we’re alone? None of our friends ever jab back like you do.” I grinned at her

“You’ve never said anything. I guess I can tell Applejack that she doesn’t have to hold back as much now.”

“Eh, I kind of want it to be our thing, if you don’t mind.”

Her face lit up and our surroundings seemed to brighten along with it. “I’d like that. I’d like that a lot.”

Fluttershy lead the way inside and the experience that lie within was breathtaking. Of course I had been there before, but now I could understand what the creatures she kept were saying up to a certain point. The smaller animals spoke single words at a time, often just saying ‘food’ or ‘mate’, which I found a bit confusing until I realized that they were talking about partners and not friends. The medium sized animals had a bit more to say, though they rarely spoke, and I had yet to see Bearett or Mr. Foxy. If I couldn’t find Lupa, I’d prefer to speak to one of them first since I knew them a bit better than the rest.

I assisted Madam Caretaker with her morning duties, though her more intelligent beasts were all absent for some odd reason. I hoped that Lupa would return when they did, but when I voiced my concerns to Fluttershy, she waved them aside and told me that some of her animal friends left from time to time to go do something or other. She hadn’t had the chance to talk with them before they left, so she didn’t know what exactly it was that they were doing. That made me breathe a little easier, figuring that Lupa had probably gone off to do whatever it was they were up to, though I did wonder what the bloody fuck it was. Lupa rarely enough ditched me, and I was still quite worried about her.

After finishing up with Fluttershy’s work, we went for a brunch date. I had yet to take a single one of my girlfriends out and decided that it was well past the time to change that. We went to one of the two actual restaurants in town called ‘Blossoms and Blooms’, which I had previously thought was a flower shop. In essence, I was spot on due to the fact that they specialized in flower and hay related meals. Luckily, I was able to get a plate of hashbrowns with various garden fresh vegetables while Fluttershy went with a Yarrow and Chamomile salad. I was a little disturbed with the yarrow since I remembered reading somewhere that it induced vomiting. Maybe that was just from some cat related book I read as a child, or maybe it was in the herbiary that I had borrowed from Twilight. Either way, Fluttershy seemed quite happy with her meal, though I wished they had cooked mine a bit longer, seeing as how my hashbrowns were softer than Fluttershy’s bottom. What good are flimsy hashbrowns?

We parted ways shortly after and I wondered what I should do to fill time since there was little else to do. I considered going home to finish my book, but I didn’t feel like writing at the moment which meant that anything I put to paper would suck, so I wandered around town for a bit. The townsfolk were still a bit wary of me from my drunken rampage not too long ago, but I tried to smile and wave to as many people as possible to help with that. Apparently it wasn’t going to be that easy, since those I greeted shied away. It occurred to me that my new status as a pariah may have been due to the incident with Cuntie. Fucking twat got me shunned and I was the victim in the situation! I will never understand how Ponies are okay with some someone crossing boundaries that should be obvious, but not with retaliation. Fucking idiots.

With that in mind, I made a note to go visit Rarity to clear the air between us. I didn’t really want to, but it would be better in the long run if I just got it over with as soon as possible. Luckily, my meandering about and general train of thought had lead me to Rarity’s side of town, so I was able to get over to the Carousel Boutique in no time at all. I pondered whether or not I should just walk in or knock since I was here on business and for personal matters. Going with knocking, then entering anyway, I strolled in with my chest puffed out comically and my shoulders set back. If I was going to do something I didn’t want to, I was going to have fun with it, dammit!

“One moment!” Rarity called out from the back of the shop.

“Take your time.” I replied in a silly, high pitched voice.

Rarity did not take her time and was out a few seconds later with a bright smile on her face. She was wearing a nice white blouse with a form fitting black skirt to go with it, and my attention wandered from her face to elsewhere.

“Hello! How can-” Rarity cut her greeting off suddenly. “Oh. It’s you.” She said flatly.

“Yes, I am me as I tend to be. ‘Sup Rares?”

Rarity crossed her arms. “Are you here to apologize?”

“If that cleans up the bad blood between us, then yeah.”

We stood in silence for a minute and she made a ‘go on’ gesture by rolling her hand through the air.

“Well, I can’t very well do it now, can I?” I let my chest fall and rubbed the back of my neck.

She rolled her eyes and scoffed. “If not now, then when? I don’t have all day, you know.”

I sighed. “Fine. While the conversation is nice and awkward, I apologize for calling you a dosey pillock. “

“And?” She asked.

“I’m also sorry for yelling at you with gross chav words.”

We stood for a while longer and Rarity just spread her hands. “Is there anything else you would like to apologize for?”

“Uh… No, I think that’s it, besides telling you to roll over. That’s pretty much it.”

“So you’re not going to apologize for calling me a liar?”

“You lied to me. That makes you a liar.”

“Quite rich, coming from you!” She scoffed.

I smirked. “It takes a liar to know one.”

“It most certainly does not! I will admit that I did lie to you, but I did it for the sake of a prank! I would think you’d understand better than most.”

“I understand, but how you think I approve is something else entirely. Did you honestly think that allowing someone to steal from me would end well? Because if you did, you’re a fool.”

Rarity angrily flipped her hair and turned her nose up at me. “I’m not a 'fool'! I just thought turnabout would be fair play.”

“Yes, turnabout would be fair play, but Cuntie literally stole from me and vandalized my journal. That is not a prank, that’s schoolyard bullying which I happen to have zero patience for.”

“Do not call 'Pinkie' that in my presence ever again.”

“Deal with it. Until I forgive her for her ‘prank’, the nickname stays."

“Well I think it was a better prank than the one you pulled on Twilight!”

“It literally destroyed the last piece of friendship I had with that pink menace, so if you consider that a good prank, then you’re a twisted sister if I’ve ever seen one.” I replied calmly. I was trying to keep a cool head, hoping that Rarity would follow suit. Clearly she wasn’t, but that didn’t mean this had to be an argument.

“If you just forgave her like a normal pony, then you’d still have her as a friend! Really, Max, you’re such a foal at times, it’s ridiculous!”

“If you’ll quit your bitching, I’ll apologize for calling you a cunt too. I kinda forgot about that.”

Rarity huffed and walked into the back of her shop. I followed her until the door which was locked. She hadn’t actually told me to leave, so I paced for a couple minutes while waiting for some kind of response. It came by way of Rarity blowing through the door with a garment rack and a hefty sack full of bits.

“I’ve finished your clothes,” She pointed to the outfits, “And here’s your bits from your ‘investment’. I’ve taken the liberty of using them as funds for your project, so don’t feel as though this was anything more than a business engagement.” Rarity crossed her arms again and glared at me.

I copied her and rolled my eyes. “You’re the one acting like a child, Rarity. We had a row, I’ve apologized, and now you’re just being petty. I don’t expect you to accept the apology, but are you really going to let my troubles with one of your friends wreck the friendship we have?”

“What you seem to be missing is that you’ve now lost three friends, Max. Why Twilight, Fluttershy, and Applejack even talk to you is beyond me, but you shouldn’t expect Rainbow or myself to want to be in the same room as you." She sneered. "And speaking of,” She used her stupid magic to open the door, “please see yourself out.”

“Fine. If you’re not willing to be mature, then I’m going to see your bullshit and raise you a good day. Good day to you, madam.” I huffed and strode out of her boutique, leaving my stuff behind. I shut the door quietly behind me, not wanting to come off as a petulant child, but Rarity had irked me a bit.

I wasn’t mad per se, but I was a little irritated that I had gone through the trouble of apologizing, although not for everything. I had still made more of an effort than Cuntie had ever done, so I felt a little gypped that Rarity hadn’t practiced the forgiveness she was so vehemently preaching to me. Gee, it was as if they were happy with their double standards. I tried not to dwell on it, but it niggled at my mind, though I couldn’t very well expect Rarity to accept an apology that she didn’t want to. After all, I had done the same thing, in a manner of speaking, so I couldn’t really be mad at her. However, I could be mad that she said Cuntie’s ‘prank’ was better than mine. I still don’t see how giving someone something that they had no vested interest in even compared in the slightest to vandalism and theft, and I should be able to draw that comparison quite well. Now I believe that I was more hurt that Rarity was so opposed to seeing things from my side than actually being mad at her. Pesky feelings, getting in the way of my masculine stoicism.

With little else to do, I decided to go back home, taking my time as I pleased. There was nothing I actually had to do, and I didn’t want to go shopping again, so I was somewhat stuck for an activity for the day. I could always see if I could get some more of the hoi polloi to like me, but fuck that garbage. I resolved to go home and finish my book now that I could feel a bit of the familiar not-actual-magic return to my fingertips. The last few chapters were going to be a doozy if I could figure out how to get my new ideas on paper, and ending my untitled book with a spot of tragedy sounded better and better the more I thought of it. With a grin on my face, I carried on until I noticed a familiar pink thing on my doorstep.

Fuck my life sometimes.

My high spirits were well and truly lowered in anticipation of the cryfest that was probably about to ensue, but I tried to keep my mood pleasant. It was just going to be another bump in the road, and little else, no reason to ruin such a nice day. Cuntie stood in front of my door and knocked twice while I approached. Apparently she had been there for some time if her continued presence on my stoop was anything to go by. From where I was on the road to my house was about a five minute walk, and I had spotted Cuntie roughly three minutes prior, so she was obviously willing to wait to talk to me.

My long strides cut my walk by a minute or so, leaving me to initiate the conversation with Cuntie on my own time. I stood about a meter behind her and watched as she knocked from time to time, standing there with my arms crossed, waiting for her to give up and get ready to go home. I knew that if I really wanted to avoid her, I could have simply gone through the Whitetail Woods and came in through the back door, but I was mildly interested in what she had to say. It took some solid stones to visit me alone, especially since she knew that I wasn’t happy with her, so I figured that it would be, at the very least, polite to hear what she had to say. I took the time to analyze her posture and nothing was new. A bit of shame, sadness, sprinkle in some severe depression and you had a Cuntie pie.

I noticed, after awhile, that she was obviously not going anywhere since we had been standing there for some time now. I cleared my throat and she didn’t respond, so I rolled my eyes and took a more direct approach.

“OI!” I shouted at the top of my lungs.

Cuntie barely twitched and turned around. Honestly, the girl looked like shit warmed over, rolled in death, and painted with misery. It made me smile.

“Max.” She hoarsely whispered, avoiding direct eye contact.

“Cuntie.”

The pink twat flinched. “I wanted to talk to you.”

“And here we are. What do you want?”

“I want to apologize for hurting you.” Her bottom lip quivered. “I didn’t think-”

“Quite true,” I interrupted, “you didn’t. If that’s all, I have things to do. Not important or time sensitive things, but things nonetheless.”

“Oh… I’m sorry for wasting your time.”

I stood and stared at her for a moment before she started walking away. I caught her arm before she passed me entirely. “You know you still haven’t actually apologized, right?”

She licked her lips and coughed, getting her voice to sound like a living person’s. “I know you don’t want to hear it.”

“Try me.”

“Max, I’m sorry for stealing your journal and writing in it. I should have known that it was important to you.”

“Is that all you’re sorry for?”

She gave me a befuddled look before dropping her gaze again. “I’m sure there’s more.”

I rubbed my chin and pretended to think for a moment.“How about you try apologizing for invading my privacy twice?”

“Twice?”

“Yeah. Besides the journal thing there was another time.”

“What do you mean? I don’t remember.” She bit her lip, holding her arms behind her back.

“You don’t remember eavesdropping on Onyx Lock and I? You don’t remember telling Applejack about my past?”

Her eyes widened as she looked me in the eye “I-I thought you already forgave me for that.”

“When did you apologize for it?”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, ‘oh’.”

Tears leaked from her eyes and her expression changed from miserable to frustrated. “Is that what this is really all about? Are you mad at me because I shared something you didn’t want known? Because I’m sorry for that too, but it’s in the past! I thought we were already through with all that!”

“There were three strikes, Cuntie.” She flinched again. “I’m not so petty as to let as minor mistake or two get in the way of friendship, but you’ve pulled some shit that I’m really not fond of. So no, it’s not just one incident.”

“...Can you please stop calling me that?”

I pulled a bit out of my pocket and flipped it, caught it, and placed it on the back of my hand without looking. “Call it.”

Cuntie looked between my hand and me. “Sun.”

I removed my hand and the coin was Sun side up. “It’s your lucky day, Pinkie. I’ll let the nickname go for now.”

“Did you really just leave it to chance?” She asked.

“Yes, yes I did. Do you have a problem with that?”

“... No. I deserved it anyway.”

“Good lass. Is there anything else you wanted?”

“Your forgiveness? Can I have a coin flip on that too?”

“It would be pointless. I don’t want to let your trespasses go right now, so if I agreed to do that, it would just be lip service.”

“... You’re right.”

“But it doesn’t make you feel any better? Take your victory and avoid doing anything else stupid; I’ll forgive you in time, just not right now.”

Pinkie’s wiped the tears from her eyes. “You’re not a nice pony.”

“I am not. I’m not a Pony at all, so don’t expect of me what you would from one of your kinsmen. I’m just wired differently, raised differently, and much more angry in general. If there’s nothing else, it’s starting to get warm out.”

“I-I… I have another question.”

I shrugged “Ask away.”

“If you hate me as much as you say you do, why are you talking to me? You could have-”

“Avoided you and skipped this whole little conversation. Yeah, I know that. I was standing behind you for a while and I was curious. That’s pretty much all there is to it.”

Her shoulders sagged. “...I don’t get you.”

“I don’t even get me, but the few friends I have left have a better understanding than I do, so you might care to ask them if you want to learn how to get on my good side. Don’t think that means I want material things from you, it just means that leaving me to do my own thing is probably your best bet. Distance is key when handling me most days, if you’ll take that tip.”

“I’ll… I’ll try to keep that in mind. Thank you for listening to me, Max.”

“You’re not welcome, but you’re welcome. Muddle through that on your own, I’ve got writing to do.” I went inside, leaving Pinkie to do whatever she was going to do.

Thinking back on it, I really should have just forgiven Pinkie then and there, and just been done with the whole ordeal instead of dragging it on, but it truly wasn’t in my heart. I would probably let it go later on, and ditching the accurate nickname I had given Pinkie was a good way to get started on the road to recovery for her. Man, am I great or what?

After catching up my journals I set myself to finishing the book I had started, which turned out to be a rather fun endeavor. With the ending nice and tidy, I could finally proofread it myself and name the book. I didn’t know much about pony literature, so I would have to consult with Twilight in the morning to see what names were already taken. I would have gone to see her after I had finished proofreading, but it was well past midnight, and I rather doubted that she was awake. In any case, it was a good time to end my day.

Author's Notes:

Capital G indeed. I know that my interpretation of God in my story is a bit heretical, but it's essentially how I understand him in life. If you want to discuss that, I'm open to it, though I don't want to start arguments over some bullshit. Civil minds get further, as many of you already know.

This chapter took time to write. I won't go into the nitty gritty details, but there's not much to say on it any way. I do hope that you've enjoyed the story so far, and hope that the next chapter goes smoothly.

As always, leave a comment or a rating to let me know how I'm doing.

Stay Cool, Kids

Edit: Fixed a few things, plugged a plot hole or two. Normal shit.