I slept well through noon and on until five in the afternoon. I needed every second of that rest, and I still woke up tired and irritable, so I devoted the day to writing out the previous few day's journal entries. It took a lot more time than I had thought and I was up writing for twelve more hours, scribbling down as much as I could before I took myself to bed again. I had only taken breaks to eat and use the restroom so my hands were killing me the next morning and Lupa was going stir crazy. I had gotten a reply from Velvet that said ‘We need to talk’.

Never good news.

I tried not to let it get to me too much, but when a woman says that there needs to be a discussion, it rarely goes well in my experience, but I knew she was different from most. I was hoping my honesty would get me some points, but it was only my third day in Ponyville and I still had four more left before I could go back to Canterlot. I didn’t do that much in the morning aside from eat and take Lupa for a walk through Whitetail woods, but things picked up in the afternoon. Twilight stopped by around mid day and I invited her in, praying that she wasn’t here because of estrus or any other desire such as that. I don’t know how I would tell Celestia that her student was coming onto me again, though I couldn’t say that I wouldn’t be flattered. In the sweater vest and blouse combo with her pink and purple striped miniskirt, she was quite the interesting one. The Catholic schoolgirl thing wasn’t my bag, but she did look cute.

After making some tea, Twilight and I were sat in my living room, Lupa’s nails echoing on the hard floor as we sat in relative silence. Twilight hadn’t said much after I invited her in and was wearing a heavy blush for reasons unknown.

“So, Twilight. What’s bring you over? I already talked to Applejack, so if you’re here to tell me to do that, you’re a day late.”

“Oh! I’m not here for that, though I do appreciate you talking to her. It meant a lot to all of us that you did; She’s finally starting to get back to her normal self.”

“Indifferent that I could help.”

“What?”

“Don’t mind that. You still never said what brings you over. And why are you blushing so hard? Don’t get me wrong; it’s cute, but confusing.”

“...Uh, Max? This whole house reeks of mares.”

“Blame Big Macintosh. To celebrate our newly found friendship, we bought some hookers and went to town.” I stood to open a window and let some of the late summer air in.

“I don’t know what a hooker is, and I didn’t see you in town at all yesterday.”

“I’d explain what one is, but I don’t want to soil your innocent little ears. Going to town is an expression, and you still haven’t said why you’re here.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I just wanted to ask what happened between you and Fluttershy. I talked to her yesterday after she got home from somewhere. Wherever it was, she stayed the night. I don’t know why, but she was wearing the same clothes as the day before and she wouldn’t say anything about what she was doing! I’m worried about her Max!”

“Don’t worry, Fluttershy was here, arguing with me for a good while. I offered to let her stay here instead of going out late when it’s dark and dangerous for a woman to be alone.”

Twilight’s jaw dropped. “How do you argue with Fluttershy? She’s so timid, she never argues! She’s usually right anyways, so it’s pointless.”

“She wasn’t right last night and I have no problem telling her so. You haven’t seen Fluttershy when she thinks she’s right, and she wants you to do something. I swear, that woman can nag with the best of them.”

“I can’t believe you just said that!” Twilight gasped.

“Said what? I was right, she was wrong.”

“No, you said,” Twilight paused and looked outside, “N.A.G. It’s a slur here, Max.”

“When used in its verb form? That’s rather stupid, don’t you think?”

“Regardless of what you think about it, you shouldn’t say that, especially about somepony as kind as Fluttershy!”

I rolled my eyes. “I’ve called people just as good much worse before, and it’s not like I called her a 'nag’ she just bitches and moans when she wants something done. Hell, even Rarity knew to let me talk to Applejack on my own time.”

Twilight covered her ears and sang a little song as I gave her the flattest stare of my life.

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“La la la, I can’t hear you!”

I picked up a pen and threw it at her, accidentally getting it to stay in her shirt. Twilight blushed up a storm and turned around to fish it out which made me laugh. With the pen in hand, she threw it back at me and it went way wide, causing me to laugh even harder.

“Stop it! You’re such a mule, Max! I don’t know why you feel the need to pick on everypony all the time!”

I reined myself in and tried to put on a serious face. “I’m sorry about that Twilight, my aim’s just the greatest. I don’t see why you didn’t use magic to get it out though.”

Twilight looked even more embarrassed before her horn lit up. Knowing what was coming, I ducked in my seat and the pen flew past my head, smacking Twilight with some force behind it. When I looked up, she had ink on her face, a pen in her hand, and tears in her eyes. I felt a little bad about pissing her off so bad, but I would make up for it by being a little nicer.

“Let me get you a towel, love. I think I’ve punished you enough for now.”

Twilight didn’t reply as I got up to go grab her one of my darker towels. I had the funniest feeling that I should set it to the side, lest I tye dye some of my attire. When I returned, Twilight was still sitting there, shaking now. I knelt in front of her.

“Hey now, I wasn’t trying to be mean or upset you, love. Just my way of having some fun. I’ll reel it in for now, okay? Bathroom’s the first door to your left.” I held the towel up for her. Twilight just nodded and headed off to get cleaned up.

I pulled out the journal I had been working on the night before and made a few pages worth of progress before Twilight came back out. Luckily, the ink hadn’t stained anything other than her pride, but that looked like it was on the mend anyways. She had calmed down enough I felt I could talk to her without making her cry.

“So, Max…” She began.

“Yes, Twilight?”

“If you don’t mind me asking…” Uh-oh.

“Yeees?” I asked cautiously.

“Who did you have over last night?”

“No one? I spent my day sleeping and writing, and this morning walking with Lupa and eating. You’re the first mare that’s been here for a bit.”

“If you didn’t have somepony over last night, then why does it… Oh dear Celestia, you didn't” Twilight shouted.

“Didn’t what? Keep it down, you’ll scare Lupa.” The wolf in question had bounded out from my room and looked ready to attack, whipping her head back and forth. I gave her the ‘okay’ gesture and she went back.

“Don’t tell me you s-s-s.” Twilight stammered.

“Don’t tell you I what? Pretend to be a snake from time to time?”

“This isn’t a joke, Max! You had intercourse with Fluttershy, didn’t you!”

“Huh. That’s not a bad idea, actually.” I had to play this carefully. If Flutters hadn’t said anything, it would’ve been for good reason. “Fluttershy is pretty, I’ll ask her if she wants a romp next time she’s over. If she ever does come back.”

“If you didn’t have intercourse with her, then why does your house smell like mares!?”

“I remember a weird smell when she came over, but I guess I got used to it after a bit. I asked her if she smelled it, but she changed the topic. Must’ve been her.”

“...So you didn’t do anything to her?”

“Yeah, I gave her a massage, worked out some knots in her back and shoulders that she had been complaining about, but that’s the long story short.” It not necessarily a lie…

“Care to say that again after I cast a lie detecting spell?”

“I would, actually. If anything, it’d be because I hate repeating myself. Why can’t you just trust my word, Twilight?”

“Because you-” Twilight bit her lip as her eyes widened.

“Because I what?” My eyes narrowed as I glared at her.

“Nothing. Forget I said anything. I really must be going, I have a thing at the place to do.” Twilight stood and tried to leave. I caught her arm before she went.

“Because I what? Because I’m a thief?”

“I didn't say that, Max.” Twilight looked anxious.

I let her go. “You didn’t have to.”

“That’s not fair! I didn’t mean it like that, it’s just that you’ve lied before and it’s hard to give that kind of trust back.” Twilight pleaded.

I took a deep breath and let it out. I wasn’t angry, just frustrated. “ I understand, Twilight. Just don’t say something’s nothing when it’s not.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say that, it’s just that… You would tell me if you, er, had intercourse, with one of our friends, right?”

“No, I wouldn’t because it’s not your business. If I were to have ‘intercourse’,” I air quoted, “I’d feel no need to tell you about it because I’m pretty sure that you don’t want to know.”

“...What if I did want to know?”

“Then you’ll have to ask the right questions, though I still don’t see how it’s any of your business.”

“What are the right questions?”

“You’ll have to figure that out yourself. No, that’s not an invitation to quiz me constantly until you find out, so please, just leave the matter where it lies.”

“Max, who did you have intercourse with the day before yesterday?”

“Princess Celestia.”

Twilight blushed and stomped her foot. “You said all I had to do was ask the right questions! Why are you still lying to me?” Lupa peeked her head out when Twilight raised her voiced. I lifted a hand to calm her.

“I’m not lying to you, Twilight. The first day I came back to Ponyville, Celestia came by to visit and Fluttershy stayed the night. Celestia and I had sex while Fluttershy was in the living room, and that’s the truth.” Not the whole truth, but it's true.

“Why don’t I feel like you’re telling me everything?” Twilight questioned.

“Because I’m not. I saw Fluttershy in a rather compromising situation, and that’s all I’ll say on the matter. I really wish you ponies would learn how to mind your own damn business.”

“Oh!” Twilight’s face turned rosier than it had been. “I-I’m sorry, I just wanted to know what happened.” Her eyes widened when she thought of something else.

“I can’t believe you had intercourse with the Princess!”

“Believe it. You already caught us once, love. It really shouldn’t be a surprise.”

“I just don’t understand it, that’s all. I mean, she’s the Princess!”

“And she shouldn’t be falling for a lowly thief like me?”

“Why do you always have to take things out of context? I would never say something like that!”

“What you say and what you mean are two different things, and I know that better than anyone. I know you don’t think I belong with Celestia, and I know you look up to her, but we’re happy with each other. I make her life more interesting, and she makes me happy, so we both fill some needs of the other. Celestia’s an amazing woman, but that’s the problem, Twilight. No Pony sees her as a person, as a woman with needs. I do. No Pony looks past my past, but she does.”

“B-But she’s The Princess! I’m not saying you’re not worthy, but she’s the pinnacle of what a pony should be like! She’s the ultimate role model!”

“She’s a woman who has to deal with higher standards than anyone else, has to be so meticulous in everything she does so her little ponies don’t find flaws in her so she can keep all of you happy. She deserves something that makes her smile, Twilight, and if that’s me, then I’m fine with that.”

“I…”

“Never thought of her as anything other than the perfect princess?”

“Well, yes. But that because she is the perfect mare, Max! Don’t you see that?”

“I see that she’s a beautiful mare that is capable of just about anything, a kind soul that loves to pull pranks, and one of the most stressful jobs on the planet. I already know I’m not good enough for her, and I probably never will be, but she wants me for who I am. You need to accept that, love.”

Twilight was silent for a while before she sat down in the chair next to me.

“How do you see your idol as anything other than that?” Twilight asked me.

“Who said she couldn’t be your idol anymore? All I said was that she had certain needs and desire that anyone has. That doesn’t mean she isn’t worthy of your praise.”

“I know… I just always thought Princess Celestia was perfect.”

“I’ll be straight with you, love; she’s pretty much as close as a person can get.”

We sat in silence for a while, thinking about what I had said. It felt odd to vocalize things I had already known about Celesia, but they became more real once they left my mouth. I thought about just how lucky I was that a woman like her could ever love me, despite my numerous flaws. It was comforting and stressful at the same time.

“So you’re sure you didn’t have sex with Fluttershy?” Twilight asked after some time.

“Like I said, I’ll ask her if she’s interested later. Lord knows her arse is made for grabbing”

“Please, Max, I didn’t need to hear that!”

“Just gotta learn the right questions to ask.”

Twilight left shortly after and my moral compass felt a little skewed, but I hadn’t actually lied. I dodged the question as well as I could, but I still needed to talk to Fluttershy to sort out what exactly there was between us now. I could bear just being friends, but I didn’t know if I could have her as a lover; I was just too crass at times, and I didn’t want her to be miserable, even if I was still a bit salty about what she had said the other day. It was time for Lupa and I to take a field trip across town.

I had forgotten all about my job with Onyx Lock until I passed it in the light of day. I stopped by and saw that he had a new assistant. It was some teenage fellow who looked like he knew more about chewing rocks than picking locks, and when I asked to see his boss, he looked around before heading to the back of the shop without saying a word to me. It wouldn’t have been so bad if there were more doors in the place, but Onyx had a strict policy of keeping possible entry and exit points to a minimum. That alone had already sullied my opinion of the guys intelligence, but he had looked in the door’s direction twice before locating it. I shook my head in disbelief at some people’s stupidity and walked to the back of the shop myself, not trusting the fool to get Onyx any time within the next ten minutes. I actually had to let the poor bastard out of the janitors closet after he locked himself in on the way over. I just picked the lock using some of Onyx’s equipment, which made me doubt the fellows intelligence even further: the door locked from the inside. After sending on his way, I saw the guy I was looking for working on making a few new locks. I knocked on the wall and he looked up.

“Well if it isn’t my no good partner. Coming back for your old job? ‘Cause it’s been filled while you were gone.”

“I doubt I’ll be in Ponyville too long anyways. Just wanted to catch up for a little bit.”

“I’ll take a rain check. Stop by after business hours and we’ll catch up over a drink or two”

“Sounds like a plan, man. Later tonight or some other day?”

“I have some extra work to do tonight, but tomorrow is fine.”

“Even better, I have an appointment with a goofball later anyway.”

“Don’t tell me you’re with Pinkie Pie.” He deadpanned

“Nope. Not really with Rarity either. She’s supposed to be helping me become more of a gentleman.”

“She’s a good pony for it. Right prim and proper. More of a Canterlot pony if you ask me, rather than a small town mare, but you know what they say about big fish in little ponds.”

“I hear you. If there’s anyone who can help me with my manners, she’s the one. Lemme get out of your hair so you can keep working. Later, Onyx.”

“Later, Max.”

With my little detour finished, I continued on to Fluttershy’s house. Lupa and I usually cut a wide swath wherever we went in Canterlot, but in Ponyville it was a different story. We stopped a few times to let some of the kids pet her as I watched over, and as long as they played nice, Lupa didn’t seem to mind too much. I think she was appreciating the attention more than anything. That or not being feared, but when a fucking wolf her size so much as yawns, anyone in their right mind would be at least a little nervous. Hell, I know she won’t come at me unless I do something particularly dumb, but it’s still a little terrifying in the mornings. Her bright blue, intelligent eyes do a lot to help quell those fears, but seriously. If she turned on me, there’d be precious little I could do.

I let those thoughts dissipate on their own since it wasn’t something I could help, thus making it pointless to worry about. Lupa was a gentle giant most of the time, and seeing her play with the children just reinforced that, not that I needed further assurance. Honestly, I was pretty grateful that she had taken to me. She could take care of herself most of the time, help me out around the house when she felt like it, and was there for me when I needed it. It was truly difficult to see her as anything other than a mute friend. I could never refer to Lupa as just a pet in good conscience because that would imply that she was a dumb animal, and that was something I would allow no one to say about her. I corrected a few of the town’s kids when they asked me if she was my pet, stating that she was more like a companion. Lupa preened when I said that, though I just rolled my eyes at her antics. I expected her to know how much she meant to me. As I’m writing this, I had to reach out and pet her, though I still haven’t elaborated on just how much I adore my favorite pupper.

Once we were clear of the kids, we got to Fluttershy’s quaint little cabin unimpeded. Lupa fucked off to do whatever it is she does when she’s not around and I knocked on Fluttershy’s door. I waited for a little bit until a fucking bear opened the door. It took me a moment to recognize him as Bearett, the fellow I had napped on during my first visit to Fluttershy’s. He cocked his head at me.

“I’m here for Fluttershy, you know where she is?”

Bearett stepped out and rose to his full height and shrugged, plopping down with a thud. I had been a little terrified for a moment that he was going to take a swing at me, but my fears turned out to be pointless when he went back inside and grunted a few times. I took that as an invitation to come in and wait for Fluttershy to come back, so I followed him in and had a seat. It was awkward. I had been juggling knives with a small audience when Fluttershy came back with arms full of bags. I rushed over to help her and she shrieked, dropping nearly everything. Between me and some of her larger animal creatures, we managed to save everything except a loaf of bread that a blue jay had tried to carry. Fluttershy had covered her face and peeked through her fingers when it was all said and done.

“M-Max?”

“Bit jumpy aren’t we, poppet?” I put the things I had caught on Bearett’s back and her gaggle of animals carried the various things to what I assumed to be the correct places.

“I-I wasn’t expecting you… How are you?” She asked, brushing some of her hair from her face.

“I’m doing well, and so’s Lupa. You know, you never did tell me if I had to wash her.”

“Oh. You shouldn’t have to. Wolves are usually very clean canines unless they roll around in something smelly, but I never had that problem with her.”

“That’s what happens when you have an incredibly smart animal; they act weird. Speaking of, does she seem a bit off to you? Compared to other wolves I mean.”

“Well, she is really smart for a wolf, though Bearett and Angel are both like her when it comes to that. I don’t know why they’re as intelligent as they are.” She hid behind her hair again.

“My guess is the company they keep. Either your animals are well trained, or they’re all somewhat sentient.”

“T-That’s not really t-true, some of my animals are normal, b-but a lot of them are smart. I really don’t know why…” Fluttershy’s body language told me she was uncomfortable.

I reached out and touched her arm. “I’m not trying to grill you here, poppet. If you don’t know, then that’s fine.”

“I-I’m sorry.”

“Literally just said it’s fine, so don’t worry about it. That’s not really why I’m here, anyways. I wanted to talk about that night.”

“...Okay.”

“What are we, now? What do you make of it”

“I-I d-don’t know…”

This was going to be as easy as pulling my own teeth. “Do you want to try being in a relation-”

“Yes!” Fluttershy interjected.

I lifted my brows. “You sure you don’t want to think about it a little more? I’m going to warn you now, I’m a right prick most of the time. I’ll probably tease you or piss you off more times than you can count over the course of a few day's.”

“...It sounds like you don’t want me.”

“It should sound like I’m trying to tell you what you’re getting into before you rush into it. I made the mistake of expecting people to accept me without telling them anything about me, and besides a few conversations, we haven’t really talked.”

“I-I don’t want to be a mare that just sleeps around with a-anypony…”

“I’m not a pony. And since you’ve brought it up, are we going to tell Twilight and the rest about what happened? She came over this morning and asked me some tough questions. I didn’t lie to her.”

“I feel like you didn’t tell her the truth.” Fluttershy looked disappointed in me.

“Oi! I just said I didn’t lie! I dodged the question and didn’t give her a straight answer, that’s all. If you count lies by omission, then your perception of lying is skewed.”

“It’s not skewed!” Fluttershy shook her head. “If anypony asks, I want you to be honest with them, Max. You said you were trying to be a better pony, but you’re not even trying!”

“I am trying! I would’ve been quite proud to tell her that we slept together, but I didn’t want to embarrass you or spread your business around. Speaking of, do you want to have sex with me?”

Fluttershy gave me an incredulous look.

“I told Twilight that I would ask you next time I saw you. That’s how I dodged the question.”

“...I can’t really blame you if you just didn’t answer her question, but that’s still dishonest, Max. You should hold yourself to higher standards.”

“We’re not even together and you’re nagging me like we’ve been married for years!” Fluttershy gasped and reddened.

“I am NOT a n-nag! Of all the things you could say-”

I rolled my eyes. “I didn’t say you were one, I said you were doing it. Would you prefer it if I told you that you were bitching?”

“Yes!”

“Well then. Quit bitching at me.”

“If you tried harder to be a better pony, I wouldn’t have to!”

“Again, I am trying harder,” I replied evenly, “and I am making progress. You want me to be a better man overnight, and that’s just not going to happen. I’ve had too much time to settle into my ways.”

“That’s one of the reasons I want to be with you! You need somepony to hold you accountable, to hold you to higher standards!”

“And if that’s not something I want from a relationship?”

“Then I’ll do it as your friend.”

“Who wants to be friends with someone who’s trying to force them to do something?”

Her eyes widened. “T-that’s not it-”

I sighed. “That is what you’re doing, Flutters. You’re meddling in my affairs again. I know you just want to help, but if we’re going to be together, you need to realize that I already had a mother. A shitty one, granted, but a mother nonetheless, and I don’t want another.”

“I’m not trying to mother you, I’m just trying to look out for you!”

“We’ve been over this.” I rubbed my temples.

“And I think we need to go over it again!”

“We really don’t. We disagree and that’s that. I’m not arguing with you just to get nowhere.” I looked at her and it was my turn to be disappointed.

“Don’t look at me like that!”

I blinked slowly and shook my head. “I’ll talk to you later, Fluttershy.” I turned to leave and she caught my arm, reminding me of the events from two nights ago.

There was no kiss this time. “Fine, I’ll try to stay out of your business, but you don’t know what it's like to watch someone you care about throw their life away!”

“If you ever say something that fucking stupid to me again, I’m going to slap the shit out of you.”

Fluttershy looked stricken. “W-What?”

I just stared at her, my face falling completely flat. Of course I couldn’t expect Fluttershy to know that the original Maxwell had died from a preventable disease, caused by something I had told him to quit multiple times, but she had struck a nerve with that comment. It just proved that Fluttershy didn’t know enough about me to pass judgement like she had been.

“M-Max? P-Please don’t hit me.”

“I’m not going to. You don’t know anything about me, Fluttershy. You don’t know why I am the way I am, yet the first thing out of your mouth is that I need to change.”

“I-I didn’t mean it like that,” She looked like she was about to cry. This was exactly what I didn’t want to deal with.

“Come to my place later, we’ll talk once our heads have cooled.”

“O-Okay.”

I actually got to walk away that time, leaving Fluttershy’s house walking as quickly as I could with my thoughts abuzz. I knew her heart was in the right place, but a man can only take being scolded so much, could only take being told that his best wasn’t good enough so many times. It gave me a headache thinking that I would have to sit Fluttershy down and explain everything, and I meanteverything, to her, one step at a time so that she could understand, and the more I thought about it, the sicker I became. My stomach twisted in knots and clenched in a way that made me wonder what the Hell I had eaten until I accepted the fact that I was a secretive person by nature. I had already known that, but I never realized the extent until I thought more about it. The pieces of a puzzle I had never even knew existed fell into place as I thought about how much I would be revealing, how many things I had only told one person, and more things that I had never told anyone. My heart sank as I walked. The process was going to painful in more ways than one. I never thought of just how few questions Celestia had asked about me and just how little I had told any of the ponies, I had always just held it all in, even when I was back in Wiltshire. Spilling my secrets was something I needed to do if I ever wanted the ponies I knew to accept me for who I was, but by God, there was nothing I wanted to do less in my entire life.

My worries had blinded me to the fact that I was clear across town, and that I had left Lupa behind. That, and I hadn’t given Fluttershy a time to be at my house, so I either had to go back to her place and give her one or see if Rarity was busy at the moment. I said ‘fuck that’ to both of my options and made a third. I went home, wrote a note, and waited. Approximately twenty minutes later, Celestia and Velvet appeared in front of me.

“Hullo ladies.”

“Hello.” Celestia replied cautiously.

Velvet said nothing, her body language stand offish and clearly aggressive.

“We need to talk. I shouldn’t expect you to-”

“Don’t expect buck-all from me, Max.” Velvet hissed.

I was somewhat taken aback, but I understood what I had done wrong. “Velvet, I-”

“You what? You’re gone for less that a bucking day and you go off and buck some hussy you hated!? What in Tartarus is wrong with you!? How do you expect me to be okay with that, Max? How do you think you would feel?”

“I’d feel betrayed.” I said quietly

“Exactly! You’ve got to take responsibility for your actions and see just how much of an ass you are. I can’t believe you right now.” Velvet was on a warpath, and I deserved every word. I sat silent and listened.

“What do you even want from me? What do you want from us? I know I helped you when you were down, but I can’t deal with you if you keep pulling crap like this! I know I’m already sharing you,” She flung an arm out, gesturing to Celestia,” but that doesn’t mean you can just sleep around willy nilly!”

“I should’ve considered your feelings before I slept with Fluttershy, and I apologize from the bottom of my heart, Velvet Breeze. I didn’t want to hurt you, I just didn’t think.”

“That’s right! You didn’t think! You never think! All you care about is yourself!”

“That’s not fair, Velvet,” Celestia began,”We wouldn’t be here if Max didn’t care, I’m sure.”

“Celestia’s right. You’re here because I care about-”

“Nothing! I’m done with you, Max! You’re a terrible pony and an even worse special somepony. You can rot in Tartarus for all I care.” She finished icily.

Velvet was halfway out the door when she turned back.

“I hope you see those four stallions when you go. I know they had to be better ponies than you.”

Celestia and I sat in silence as I held back tears. Not only had I cheated on the mare who had comforted me in my time of need, but I had hurt her enough to lash out. A kind soul like her’s didn’t deserve to be marred by a bitter one such as mine. I brushed Celestia’s hand away from my shoulder as she tried to comfort me. All I could think about was how poisonous my very presence was; how many people had I hurt since I’d been here after most of them had shown me little more than kindness. The throbbing pain grew, but I couldn’t see a way to make it right.

“Max… I’m sorry, I’ll explain everything to Velvet. She’s a sensible mare, she’ll forgive you in time.”

“I don’t deserve her forgiveness. I’m fucking toxic, Celestia. Everywhere I go I spread misery and that’s it. Whether or not I mean to, I do. That’s just the creature I am-”

Celestia put and end to my self pity with a kiss.

“You are not toxic, Max. You’re a noble pony who’s misunderstood, not just some hate filled monster, and I know you’re actively trying to become better, that you’re not happy stagnating until you really do become toxic. Velvet was angry and hurt; she wasn’t thinking clearly, she said things she didn’t mean.”

“You can say that, but she was right, Celestia. The only person I ever think about is me. I never should have slept with Fluttershy.”

Celestia bit her lip and held me at arms length. “I said it was okay, I orchestrated the situation that lead to it, and I practically pushed you into it, Max. It’s not just your fault, I should share the blame.”

“You didn’t take over my body and force me to do it, Celestia. I just couldn’t think straight after that smell took over, but I can’t use that as an excuse; I still did it and nothing can ever change that.” I buried my head in my hands.

“A mare’s estrus pheromones can be a potent… aphrodisiac.” Celestia facepalmed “If you’re not used to them they’ll drive a stallion mad with lust.”

We looked at each other and I leaned back, covering my face with my hands.

“Are you seriously saying that I fucked Fluttershy because she was in heat? How the hell did pony pheromones even affect me?”

“I don’t exactly know, but that may be the cause! I’ll explain it to Velvet! I know she’ll understand that if nothing else!” Celestia seemed worried but still hopeful, but before I could tell her not to bother, that I would own my mistake, she was gone.

She and Velvet returned a few hours later. I was in the middle of something when I heard them knock on my bathroom door. I finished quickly, hid the evidence and splashed some water on my face. When I opened the door, Celestia seemed a little tense, but was otherwise fine while Velvet looked uncomfortable.

“Where you going somewhere, Max?” Celestia asked, gesturing to the pebble gray jacket I had donned in their absence.

“Didn’t think you were coming back and I need to get out of here. Can we talk somewhere else?”

Celestia looked at Velvet and she nodded. I lead the way out into the Whitetail Woods. We walked for a good ten minutes before we came across the clearing Lupa and I had discovered on our walk the day before. I finally faced them after travelling in silence.

“Velvet, nothing I can say, no arbitrary circumstances, no matter how relevant, can excuse the fact that I hurt you. You’ve been nothing other than good to me, and I can’t use pheromones or anything else as a justification for my actions.”

Celestia’s face fell. “Max…”

The sounds of the forest overtook the silence until Velvet spoke up.

“I didn’t mean what I said when I left. That was cold, and I’m sorry for it, Max. I now understand why you slept with that Fluttershy mare, but you’re right; that doesn’t excuse you in any case. We rushed into things without knowing each other at all, and we never set rules or anything of the sort, but you still cheated and I can’t forgive that.”

“I never said I wanted it. I know I don’t deserve it. I was going to tell Celestia to leave you alone, but...”

Celestia was distraught, but Velvet and I had said our peace.

“Your Highness, can you send me back home now?”

Celestia’s horn glowed bright and Velvet was gone, leaving us by ourselves. I grabbed Celestia’s hand and lead her further into the woods, taking in as much of nature’s bounty as my turbid mind could.

“...I’m sorry, Max. I thought I could fix things quickly, but I’m rather sure I just made them worse. I’m so stupid! I should’ve waited and given her more time to calm down before I got her to come back. I botched the whole thing!” Celestia lamented more to herself than to me.

“You tried your best, you just messed up the timing. I’d tell you not to worry about it too much, but it’d be a waste of my breath.”

“I’m thousands of years old, Max! I should know the value of patience, I just…”

“You saw my pain and wanted to make it better. It’s harder to keep a clear mind when it comes to a lover. It’s okay.” It wasn’t just lip service. I was frustrated with her, but I did understand.

“I ruined any chance of you patching things up with Velvet. I know the future's always uncertain, but I’m just not seeing how I can fix this right now.”

I stopped and embraced Celestia. “You are not perfect, Celestia, and no matter how much you try, you never will be. When it comes to me, you don’t have to be so please; just drop it.” I held her and looked into her eyes, seeing frustration.

“That sounded like an insult.”

“I could’ve worded that differently, but the latter half was the important bit.”

“You’re a better ‘man’ than you think you are.”

“I can still be better.” I let go and began to walk away when Celestia took my arm in a vice like grip, making me gasp in pain.

Celestia’s apologetic attitude had turn far, far darker than I had seen before.

I tried to wrench my arm out of her grasp “What the hell!?”

“Did you honestly think I wouldn’t notice?” The sleeves of my jacket vaporized before her grip, showing the ruined flesh and bloodied makeshift bandages beneath.

“I didn’t even realize what I was doing until it was done.” I uttered bitterly

“I won’t stand for this, Maximus. You will not harm yourself again.”

“Wasn’t planning on it, now could you please let go? That shit hurts enough without you using your freakish Kung-Fu Grip.”

Celestia healed the various cuts and let go, trading my arm for my hand. “I care about you, and I would happily obliterate anypony that hurts you, but I can’t protect you from yourself.”

“You mean you would obliterate anyone other than one of your little ponies?”

Celestia looked stricken. “What do you mean? I would do anything to protect you, Max!” Applejack. Enough said.

I knew that wasn’t true, but now wasn’t the time. “You can’t protect me from myself Celestia. I can’t even do that most of the time.” I looked up and saw that the Sun was setting.

“Don’t change the subject! What do you mean?”

“We’ll talk about it later. I’ve got to get over to Fluttershy’s, and then go to Rarity’s.”

She didn’t seem very happy with that, but she acquiesced. “I thought you were going to tell me before you slept with other mares.”

“I’m not sleeping with either of them. I need to explain some things to Fluttershy, and Rarity is giving me lessons.”

“What are you explaining and what kinds of lessons?”

“Explaining why I am the way I am, and my lessons were supposed to be a surprise, but I think I just want to go to sleep. Today fucking sucked.”

Celestia and I left the woods, though she teleported back to Canterlot after walking me home. Lupa had returned and was very happy to see me until she sensed my mood. I told her about the day's events and she whined, sticking close to me, despite her earlier condemnation. In the end, I could always trust Lupa to stay by my side. My forearms and biceps itched from Celestia healing my mistakes, but I was still grateful. My soul felt so worn out, I wrote Fluttershy and rarity notes, sending them by dragon fire, apologizing for not feeling up to making their acquaintances as I had promised. Sadly, Fluttershy still showed up after nightfall. I asked Lupa to send her away, but she was powerless against Fluttershy’s will, so the mare entered my room quite worried.

“Are you okay, Max? Your note said that you were tired, but it doesn’t seem like you to cancel…”

“Yeah. I know I said I follow through, but I just… I just can’t right now Fluttershy.”

“...Is it my fault?”

“Partially.” I knew I should have lied, but I didn’t care.

“I-I’m sorry…”

I remained silent and closed my eyes as I felt Lupa hop onto my bed. I didn’t hear anything so I looked to see and Fluttershy was still standing in my doorway. Filling my lungs in hopes that I could plug the holes that my heart bled out of, I sat up and looked her in the eye.

“Fluttershy, what I’m about to tell you never leaves this room. If I ever hear that you repeated a single word, we will never speak again. Do you accept these terms?”

“I-I don’t know…”

“If you can’t accept them then we have nothing to talk about.”

“I can accept your terms!”

I looked at Fluttershy, her uncertainty plastered all over her face.

“I don’t think you can. I think you wouldn’t hesitate to tell someone should the situation demand it, despite what I just told you. I can’t be with someone I can’t trust, but if I remove the people you would tell from the equation by telling them myself…” An idea formed in my head.

“What do you mean? I wouldn’t tell anypony if you asked me not to!”

“Yeaaaaah, nah. No trust here. Grab Rainbow, Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Twilight. I’ll write Celestia while you’re gone.” I got up and grabbed a few sheaves of paper, jotting down the beginnings of what I was going to tell the girls. I was proofreading when Fluttershy came back with the her herd of friends and I offered them each a cup of tea.

“I’m sure you’re all curious as to why I’ve asked you to come here.” I garnered nods from everyone except Pinkie who was making a face at my tea.

“You’re here because it’s come to my attention that I’ve asked you all to accept me as I am without giving you reasons, or really any incentive to do so. I’ve been a right prick most days, though I believe I’d had good reason on a few occasions.” Twilight, Fluttershy, and Applejack all averted their gazes.

I took a deep breath and let it flow. “When I was younger, my mother often beat my father. He took it because he refused to raise his hand against a woman, and that he, at least, had to set a proper example for me. All I saw in him was a coward, but I respected his perseverance in the face of abuse later in life, but that will never be able to take back the harsh words I said to him.”

I sipped from my mug of coffee that I had made for myself. “Most of my childhood was spent in squalor with my father working his fingers to the bone while my mother shot as much junk into her veins as she could. She took money and whatever else she could get her hands on to fuel her habit, which made our poor conditions that much worse, but my father never blamed her for it. He had known her when there was something in her to love, and had never let go of those memories. He showed me love as often as he could, even if it meant that he would be left bleeding at the end of the night for not giving my mother his sole and undivided attention. My father, whether I admitted it at the time or not, was my rock, my unappreciated hero.”

Clasping my hands together to stop them from shaking, I prepared myself.

“When I was eleven, my mother had switched from heroin, an opiate that gives a person the sensation of being coated in bliss, to methamphetamine, a stimulant that left the user incapable of resting for any period of time for day's on end. I can’t describe either of them terribly well since I’ve never done either, but I can tell you that they’re both life destroying in their effects because of their highly addictive nature.”

“Like Manganese Salt to ponies?” Twilight asked.

“I’m not sure. What does it do?”

“It dehydrates a pony, then makes ‘em do some strange stuff. I ain’t never had a chance to talk to a pony about it in depth, though I know a few who have done it. They say they just feel happier and invincible until they come down.” Applejack explained.

“Sounds about like heroin, from what I’ve heard. May I continue?” The gravitas from what I was about to say had disappeared, though most of the women in the room still looked apprehensive. After another round of nods I spoke again.

“During an extensive bender, my mother had burned through our grocery, rent, and savings to buy more junk and when my father confronted her about taking the money he had set aside for my lunches at school, she became belligerent, asking him ‘just where the bloody hell’ he got off telling her she couldn’t do with ‘her’ money. My father had finally had enough and slapped her, which she answered by stabbing him thirty-seven times in the chest in a meth fueled rage. The next thing I know, she took me across town to one of her drug buddies den and we stayed there while the authorities scoured our town looking for us. I was twelve when she had killed my father in front of me and thirteen when she contracted an immuno-deficiency virus that left her vulnerable to most illnesses. It was then that I used my naturally small stature and quick hands to start picking pockets to keep food in our stomachs. Less than a year later, my mother died of her disease and I was homeless, though I was far happier for it because that meant I didn’t have to deal with multiple people being high as a kite at a time, or getting molested by junkies with a taste for younger men. Life was still hard, but I spent the next few years attending school by day and strolling the nights. I paid my way into a group of like minded fellows that set me up with a place to stay, and that went on until I met the young man I would come to call my brother. The name you call me by is his. My real name is Kaid.

“So you’ve been lying to us this entire time!?” Rarity exclaimed. The girls looked shocked, though Applejack looked far less judgemental than the rest, which I attributed to her being more world wise than her, our, friends.

In fact, Applejack spoke before I did. “I think Kaid-”

I interrupted. “Please, Kaid is doing his best to die. I didn’t tell you girls earlier because I want to take up a new name to signify the start of a new life, and if you don’t mind, I would like you to ignore that name from now on. There’s no point in dwelling on the dead.” My hypocrisy almost made me chuckle.

“Max, then. Is that the only reason?” Applejack inquired.

“No, I believe names have power. Not that magic was real in any sense where I came from, but having the wrong person know your name could make things rough for you, so everyone I knew went by a pseudonym of some sort.”

“Ooh, ooh! What was yours?” Pinkie asked.

I looked at the walls and pretended like I had a chance of ignoring her.

“Max, darling, it really is quite rude to leave a question unanswered.” Rarity scolded.

I sighed. “My most popular nickname was ‘Gecko’.”

The mood I had previously set didn’t dissuade a few giggles

“Why did they call you Gecko?” Rainbow asked through her snorts.

“I could climb most walls with relative ease. If a job took me to a house with a target that was higher than the first floor, I usually went up on the outside and left the same way. It was a trademark of mine, in a manner of speaking.”

Satiated with my answer, Twilight spoke. “So what happened with the original Max?

“The original Max and I spent a couple years together taking jobs together, sharing profits and living the life of two young bachelors without much to live for. Maxwell contracted a disease called cancer, most likely from an activity called ‘smoking’ and died over the course of three months. I spent his final moments awake with him, never leaving his side, but once he fell into a coma and I couldn’t rouse him, I took him to the hospital where I learned he was brain dead and abandoned him before his heart fully stopped.”

I looked around the room and let my hands go. I had them in a death grip when I finished.

“Any questions?”

“How much of that is true?” Fluttershy asked.

“All of it. I wouldn’t call you here just to lie to you.”

“If all that’s true, your life sucked, dude.” Rainbow stated.

“That’s just the big stuff. I’ve been double crossed more times than I can count, been chained up by a gang of women once or twice, robbed, mugged, had my second head fondled by more handsy old ladies than I’d like to admit. Keep in mind I haven’t mentioned much in the way of the good times, but that’s because you evidently see the redeemable glimmer of a nonasshole in me already, and I don’t think pleasant memories are necessary to explain that. I accept the parts for what they are.”

“I...I don’t really know what to do with this information, Max. I’m pretty sure none of us do.” Twilight said.

“I don’t expect you to do anything with it other than use it to understand why I am the way I am. If that doesn’t help much, then feel free to ask more questions.”

“Why were you so angry with your dad? He seemed like a respectable man, especially if he put up with your mom’s abuse for so long.” Applejack inquired.

“I was young; I didn’t see it as a noble sacrifice. All I saw was my father getting beaten up and doing nothing about it. Like I said, it took me a while to realize just how good a man he was, and that he had taken the blows so that I wouldn’t have to.”

“Do you have any good memories? Like of your birthdays and stuff?” Pinkie asked. Her hair was far less puffy than it had been before the conversation started, which I found odd.

“The last good birthday I had before my mother died was when I was eight, when we went to Wacky Warehouse. She had stayed home because the bright lights hurt her eyes, so it was myself and my father on that one. We had a good time. My last happy birthday was with the original Max, but I don’t think you want to hear about us going out to get blitzed and finding loose women.”

Rainbow grinned while the rest grimaced. “I kinda want to hear about that!”

I lifted a brow. “Then I’ll tell you later. Anymore questions?”

Fluttershy needlessly raised her hand. “...Do you expect everypony to betray you? Is that why you can’t trust anypony?”

She had lined up the shot for me and stood point blank, but I decided not to take it.

“In part, yes. As I’ve told you before, much of the faith and trust I’ve put in people has been thrown back into my face, and that was only in England. Some of the trust I’ve put in the very people in this room has come back to bite me, so yeah, it’s been hard for me to trust all of you with this information.” Twilight and Fluttershy averted their gazes.

“I must ask, if I may, why trust us at all if you’ve been hurt as you say?” Rarity asked.

“Because I’ve been unfair, spiteful, and rude for many of our interactions, no matter how well warranted and I believe this is the biggest step I can take to actually achieving my goal of being a decent person. Our lessons don’t count.”

“Lessons?” Everyone but Rarity chorused.

“Yes, I’ve asked Rarity to teach me the finer points of being a gentleman since I’ve had little reason to practice in the past few years. Ever since I broke up with my last girlfriend in England, I’ve had little reason to do much other than flirt and charm my way into a woman’s pants. No offense meant, especially if I haven’t tried to charm you yet.” Let's see how they handle that little tidbit.

Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Rarity looked confused while Fluttershy and Twilight reddened. Pinkie cocked her head to the side and smiled creepily. I think that girl terrifies me just a lotta bit.

“You say that as if you’ve already done things with one of us!” Rarity exclaimed. Applejack and Rainbow nodded in unison.

I said nothing for a moment and looked at no one in particular. “Where’s your honesty now?”

Rainbow Dash looked more befuddled. “Huh?”

Twilight and Fluttershy spoke at the same time, interrupting each other. Twilight’s eyes grew wide and she blushed furiously as anger bloomed on her face. Fluttershy’s eyes mimicked hers, but she was blushing out of embarrassment.

“My honesty!? What about your discretion!? You were happy enough to pat yourself on the back for it this morning!” Twilight shouted.

“I wasn’t talking to you, love.” I deadpanned. A smirk grew on my face as every head had turned to Twilight.

“I can’t believe you bedded the egghead!” Rainbow laughed. She stopped when she realized she was the only one laughing.

“To be fair, she was too drunk for me to go past third base in good conscience, so that didn’t actually happen.” I corrected.

“So who were you talking to, Max?” Pinkie asked.

“Wasn’t me, obviously.” Applejack stated, brow raised.

“No offense meant, but we would have to be much more acquainted.” Rarity sniffed.

“Not really my thing.” Rainbow said indifferently

They all looked to the only person left who hadn’t spoken and I inwardly punched myself. I only realized now how cruel I was being. Eh, I was in too deep now.

I would throw her a bone, see what she was made of. “It’s awfully hard to say anything when someone has already lied.”

“What do you mean somepony lied?” Rainbow asked.

“I mean exactly what I said.”

“Why are you so cryptic sometimes?” Twilight inquired. “Why don’t you just come out… And... Say it.” From the look of her face, she had figured it out. She cast a furtive glance at Fluttershy who tried to shrink into her seat as far as possible

I had to hold back a grin as I waited for the rest of them to figure out that I had meant nothing.

“Does anyone want a hint? Because I’m just trying to offer an out.”

“What does that mean?” Rarity asked.

“It means I’m distracting you.”

“Why don’t you just tell us who you slept with?” Rainbow asked, tired of my game.

“Because, as Twilight said, I laude my own discretion, even if I didn’t quite mean to imply that I had slept with one of you girls.”

“I can’t say anything because I think I know and it really isn't my place to say. Max told me earlier that you just have to ask the right questions.” Twilight hinted

“N-N-No pony h-has to ask anything. I-I-It was m-me.” Fluttershy stuttered and stammered.

Jaws dropped around the room. Rainbow glared at me jealously.

“I can’t believe you took advantage of Fluttershy dude! That’s so not cool!”

“I didn’t take advantage of anyone.” I stated evenly. “Fluttershy? Do you want to explain what happened, or can I?”

“I-I’ll do it!” She said hurriedly.

Fluttershy took a deep breath and continued with all eyes on her.

“A-As you m-may know, I’ve b-been in estrus this week…”

Understanding coated the faces of the ladies in the room and a few glares were tossed my way.

“I don’t know why you’re all looking atme. If it hadn’t been for a third party’s influence and it having been my first time being trapped in a closed space with a mare’s pheromones, I probably wouldn’t have done it seeing as how Fluttershy and I had been doing nothing but arguing all day. In fact, it was just as much her fault as it was mine, if not more so.”

Fluttershy hid behind her hair and it was open season on me.

“How crass! Max, I can’t believe you! Taking advantage of Fluttershy such a state!” Rarity proclaimed. Bitch, did you not fucking hear me?

“Hold on now,” Applejack began, “If Flutters was in estrus, I don’t doubt that she came on to him. What’s he supposed to do? Tell her no and hurt her feelin’s?”

“I-I did start it, i-in a sense. W-We were arguing a-and I kissed him. A-And I accepted the massage…”

“You can’t expect us to believe that! Our innocent little Fluttershy wouldn’t do something like that!” Pinkie cried. I looked at her like she was retarded.

“Are you retarded? From my experience so far, estrus can affect a mare’s thinking and actions if my little romp with Twilight was anything to go by. Hell, she went from kindly bookworm to sexy librarian quite quickly.” The mare in question blushed up a storm and I had to bite back another smile. “Fluttershy wanted a piece of me and I got permission from my lover, so under impaired judgement wemade a little love. Consent from both parties. I don’t regret it.” I finished with a lie to protect Fluttershy’s feelings.

Rarity still looked quite scandalized, but relented. Rainbow still looked jealous, but less angry, and Twilight was blushing.

“You told me you didn’t do that, Max! I asked you directly!”

“I said I would ask Fluttershy if she was interested. I didn’t lie to you, I just dodged the fuck out of your question, which I’ve seen you do to Spike, so you can say it’s not fair.” She still appeared miffed, but she hadn’t a leg to stand on now.

“Much as I’d love to stay and talk, I got work in the mornin’. I’ll see you girls, and guy, later.” Applejack stated, getting up to leave.

Rarity spoke up. “And despite your note, I really would have liked to give you a lesson tonight, but I suppose it can wait.”

“Later dudes.” Rainbow said with eloquence.

“I wanna ask you something, Max!” Pinkie said, drawing Twilight and Fluttershy’s attention.

“Go ahead.”

“Well I wanna ask you in private, silly!”

I looked to Twilight and Fluttershy, both of whom shrugged.

“I-I want to ask something to.”

“I guess I’m going to go then.” Twilight followed Applejack, Rarity, and Rainbow on their way out, leaving me with the two pinkest mares in the group.

“So how can I help you two?” I was tired and didn’t really want to deal with either, but I was still being polite.

Fluttershy glanced over at Pinkie. “I-I want to talk in private too…”

“Then one of you is either going to have to wait elsewhere or see me tomorrow. It’s been an awfully long day.”

“My question shouldn’t take long!”

“Then could you wait in the guest room for a moment, Flutters? I have a feeling I know what your question is.” She nodded and left, leaving me with the hot pink horror.

“So, Pinkie. What can I-”

“Do you think I’m a pretty pony?”

I blinked. “I suppose so. I would call you more annoyingly cute, though”

“Does that mean I’m more annoying or more cute?”

“Yes.”

“Twilight was right! You are pretty cryptic!”

“I tend to be. Was that your question, Pinkie?”

“Nope. I want you to rut me like a dirty little whorse!”

“I just lost someone who meant a lot to me because I laid with Fluttershy, I’ll not risk losing another. That, and my soul is aching so I don’t feel like it anyway.”

“Awww! You should have a cupcake, they’re good for your soul.” Pinkie said knowingly.

“I should like to think that a muffin would do just as well.”

“Nope!” Pinkie reached behind her and plucked a dark blue cupcake from nowhere.

“Where did you get that?” I asked tentatively.

“It’s been there the whole time! You really should pay more attention to your house, it still kinda smells like Fluttershy in here.”

“...There has never been anything on that table, Pinkie. I guess I’ll have to put a candle there to dissuade you from putting anymore baked goods in places I’m apparently not watching.”

She nudged the cupcake forward. There was a ludicrous amount of buttercream frosting on it that looked precariously spiraled on top. I collected it from my coffee table and tried a bite, half expecting Pinkie to be right.

She was not. “I still feel like shit.”

“Well, duh!” It’s not magic! You have to eat a lot of them to fill that gaping hole in your soul. Maybe if you engaged in some meaningless casual sex you could fill that void for a bit?” She raised her brow at me a few times.

I took in her figure and clothing choices and inwardly gagged. By no means do I discriminate against body types, nor most forms of fashion, but Pinkie Pie’s somewhat small frame and bright blue blouse covered in floral print gave her the impression of a much younger woman. She looked more like a teeny-bopper than the grown woman I knew her to be, and her bright, bubbly personality only sought to make me want to distance me from her further. All that combined with the fact that Pinkie Pie had been the original one to sell my secret meant I wanted to spend less and less time with her. Seriously; best locks in Ponyville (though I could crack most with some time) and she had still gotten into the Lock Pad without so much as a sound. Pinkie scared me more than I was willing to let on.

“Sorry, Pinkie, but as I said earlier, I have no intention of alienating my other lover for a quick romp. If anything, I deserve the pain and am quite content to wallow in it until that ‘gaping hole’ is cured, whether by her forgiveness or my own sufficient penance.”

“A little bit of Pinkie brand magic will help it along!”

“If you’re thinking I’m just some slut who’ll take anyone who comes along, you’re sorely mistaken, Pinkie. I understand that you have desires, and while I am flattered that you would ask, no means no.”

Her hair flattened visibly.. “Is it because I’m not as pretty as Fluttershy or Twilight?”

Aww shit, I was going to have to play this smart. “That’s not the reason and you should already know that, Pinkie. You’re cute in a way separate from Twilight and pretty in a way separate from Fluttershy. What you need to understand is that my heart hurts and I don’t want anything other than to be left alone right now.”

“So I’m not as good as either?”

“If you just want to be offended, do so away from me. I don’t have the patience for it.”

“I thought you just said you were trying to be a better pony!”

“I am trying. It’s just the way that I’m trying doesn’t happen to suit your fancy right now. And if you haven’t picked up the crystal clear hints by now; I. Don’t. Want. Sex. It will only act as a temporary distraction and I would rather suffer now and grow slowly used to the pain instead of placing my attention elsewhere just for it to hurt more once my distraction is gone. I might take you up on that some other time with permission from my woman, but my knob is out of commission.”

“Now you’re calling me a mere distraction? Your words hurt, Max.” Pinkie’s eyes welled with tears and her hair was as straight as straw.

I wasn’t buying it. “You can’t con me, love. I’ve met far better than at it you.”

Her hair poofed back up, her tears withdrew (somehow) and she snapped her fingers.

“I thought I had you on the ropes! Darn, I guess I’ll just have to try harder next time.”

“Please don’t. I really don’t feel like dealing with your falsities again. Send Fluttershy over when you go, yeah?”

Pinkie gave me a silly salute and bounced off to go fetch Fluttershy who had been eavesdropping in the doorway of the guest room with the door cracked. I already knew she was, so her surprised ‘eep’ came as no such surprise to me. Pinkie bounced out and Fluttershy took her place across from me.

“S-So…” Fluttershy began

“If you can’t so much as respect my privacy, then there’s no hope for us.” I stated bluntly.

“I-I-I was j-just curious! I-I didn’t mean to!”

“And your honesty fades with such empty words. I don’t want to be with someone who won’t, no, can't, respect me in any way, shape, or fashion. As I’ve said before, you want to mother me in a way I feel no desire for. You want to control and change me. I am my own man, who will do and change as I see fit.”

Fluttershy was on the verge of tears. “B-But you were my first!”

“I asked you if you were truly willing to give your first time to me and you said yes. We had no agreement, no understanding, and no prior romantic interest that I am aware of.” I said coldly.

The tears fell and I felt nothing. It was hard to pity someone who was so adamant against my very nature, who wanted to push me farther than I was willing to go, who wanted little more than a doll she could manipulate into being her perfect man. Whether Fluttershy knew what she was doing or not, she was still trying to do it.

“I-I know why you’re so cold now. You c-can’t even love, can you?”

“I hope that I can, otherwise what I feel for Celestia is nothing but a pale facsimile of what love actually is.” I drew breath and looked at Fluttershy with emotionless eyes. “What do you want from me? The pride of being able to call me yours? To make me into the man you want? Unconditional love? Because I can give you none of those things, and there’s precious little I can give you besides frustration and worry if we were ever to be together.”

“All I want for you is to be happy, Max! I know that if you have someone that will love you and care for you, you’ll make more progress!”

I picked up my now cold mug of coffee and sipped it. “Celestia said the same thing to me, you know. She said that all she wanted from me was my happiness and to make her life more interesting. The difference between the ‘happiness’ she speaks of and that of what you speak is that Celestia is willing to allow me the freedom to find my own, rather than the ‘caged bird’ happiness that you’re offering. Do you understand what I mean when I say that?”

“I-I don’t... I-I would give you your freedom!” She cried

“And yet you won’t allow me so much as a moment’s privacy with a supposed friend. You tried to force me to see Applejack the moment you saw me in that store, despite the fact that I was the one who was wronged. You don’t want me. You don’t want Max or Kaid. You want an injured animal that you can nurse, one that you can coddle to your hearts content, and I refuse to fill that role for you.”

“T-That’s not what I want!

“Then what is it? Elaborate beyond ‘happiness’.”

“I-I-I…”

“Analyze what exactly you’re looking for, the precise reason why you desire me so. When you can return with an answer, do so and we’ll speak on the matter further.”

“B-But I already know what I want!”

“Do you really.” I wasn't asking a question.

Fluttershy and I shared a long look, each of us searching the other for an answer that I knew wouldn’t come easily. Fluttershy’s eyes seemed luminous, completely transparent to me. I knew what her answer would be when she found it, otherwise I wouldn’t have said what I did. Fluttershy’s gaze grew frantic and I felt more than saw that she was closing in on the inevitable. Her lips quivered and the glow her eyes held faded, turning as lifeless as mine for but a moment. She had come to her conclusion.

“Your answer?”

“...You’re right.” She whispered, a breath on the breeze.

“I usually am. Is there anything else I can help you with?” I asked neutrally.

“N-No… I don’t think so. Thank you.”

Fluttershy left silently, her anxious aura from earlier turned grey and grim. I suppose now that I should have felt guilty for turning her away since all she had wanted was to help me in her own way, but her way was not that in which I needed nor desired. I could not allow myself to be restricted by the bindings that were her brand of kindness. Even if Fluttershy didn’t know, there was a reason that her animals rarely went back to the wild, and that reason was that her love and affection kept them close to her side. I am by no means a nomad, but as a man, my wanderlust grew and faded. Loving me would end in nothing but pain for her. Even if the pain I had caused her now seemed severe, it would never compare to that which she would feel after eventually pushing me away. I had known it from the first mention of a relationship with her, and I could only hope that I was also right about the future.

Weary and worn out, I returned to my room where Lupa resided on my bed. I took up a place near her and she laid her head on my chest, already aware of what had gone on throughout the night. I stroked her silken fur for hours, yet found no reprieve in the comfort she had once afforded me. It was a lonely feeling that lasted throughout the night into the morning and didn’t leave me during the day. I had developed heavy bags under my eyes from my shitty sleep schedule and though I wanted nothing more at that point in time than a brief respite, rest eluded me. Lupa stayed by my side all day long, going so far as to wait outside the bathroom until I finished my business and stand next to me when I cooked for her. The cupcake Pinkie had given me last night had returned during one of my visits to the restroom and I although I tried, nothing I ate agreed with me. The only solace I could find in my hours of wallowing was that the pain meant I was alive, that I would live to see another day, if only I could make it through this one.

Celestia’s Sun was setting and Luna’s Moon was rising slowly when I remembered to send that letter to Celestia. I added a few notes to it, a few more painful memories that I could never tell the girls for fear that they would never look at me with anything other than pity. The thought disgusted me so much that another round of dry heaving overtook me on my way over to Rarity’s. I earned a few stray concerned glances, but paid them no mind. I knew Rarity would fuss over my state, but all I wanted was to make a bit of progress, to know that I was doing something that wouldn’t cause someone pain.

I arrived at the Carousel Boutique before the sun had dipped complete below the horizon and knocked twice before entering. I found Rarity inside, working on a lovely ruby red dress accented in garnets and pearls that I couldn’t really appreciate at the time.

“You do great work, Rarity.” I monotoned.

She started and whipped her head around to face me, poking herself in the process.

“Oh shoot!” She hissed. “Sorry, darling, I wasn’t expecting you” She looked at the literal pinprick of blood on her finger.

“Sorry, but I did knock.” I inhaled deeply and turned on as much of my gentlemanly magic as I could. “I really must apologize, it was quite rude of me to permit myself without your word. I do hope you’ll forgive me, dear Rarity.”

Rarity froze and looked up at me. “Who are you, and what have you done with my friend?” she asked, a little stupefied.

“I am one in the same, my dear Rarity. I simply choose to ‘relax’ and use the vernacular and colloquialisms common in my homeland, rather than present myself in a manner dishonest to myself. I suppose with a fair bit of effort I could carry this facade for as long as I need.” I dropped the act. “I really just don’t want to.”

Rarity set her pin on a table nearby so she wouldn’t poke again herself as she rubbed her eyes “Y-You really should consider keeping it up, but I suppose that you’re looking for more along the lines of looking the part rather than just acting it. I presume you have it well practiced past simply speaking the part, yes?” She had gathered herself once more, trading shock for her usual persona.

“I have manners, mind you. I just don’t get many opportunities to use them. Let’s focus on the clothes that make the man for now. Of course, when you have the time to make them and a reasonable estimate, that is.”

“How could I charge a friend for something so wondrous as trying to better themselves for their special somepony? No, no, no, I won’t allow you to pay me for the privilege of helping you,” She paused and scrunched her face up, “as convoluted as that may seem.”

“It does seem convoluted. So much so, that I’m disregarding your opinion on the matter and paying you anyways. Trust me, Rarity, I have enough to buy your shop if my calculations are correct. Speaking of, do you need any investors by chance?”

“I simply cannot allow it, Max. I will hear no more on the matter, though if you do have the wealth to spare, I could use a few bits to increase marketing.” She acceded

“Name your price.”

“Oh, I don’t know, Max. It could be a very expensive venture…” She bit her lip.

I didn’t sense that she was playing coy. “Keep it under four thousand and we’re fine.”

Rarity choked “F-Four thousand!? That’s a small fortune, Max!”

“I figured. I’ve got more coming in whenever I get back to Canterlot, if I ever do go back. That’s only the half of it.”

“I’m used to being in Canterlot with the socialites and aristocrats and those are numbers they throw around! Where in heaven did you amass such an amount so quickly?”

“I did a job for Luna not too long ago, retrieving an artifact of some importance. I do wonder if it was really all that important, given how long it was gone.”

“If it paid to the sum of more than I make in…” Rarity grumbled.

“It’s unladylike to mumble.” I deadpanned.

“It’s impolite to point out another’s social inequities.” Rarity huffed.

“Isn’t the point of this appointment to point out ineptness in one’s manners?”

“Yes! For you!” Rarity giggled. She gave me a smile that lifted the corner my own mouth.

“You know, you can talk to me if something is bothering you, Max.” She said, changing tactics.

“I’m aware. I’ve already done a fair bit of talking if last night is anything to go by.”

“Yes, I know that, but something else is clearly on your mind. Have you looked in a mirror today?”

“Yeah, I was hoping you’d be nice enough to not comment.”

“It’s hard to stand by as a friend struggles, but I know you’ll seek help if you think you need it. As much as I would love to badger you for information, I think I understand the way you are well enough to know not to push you.”

I stood and looked at her as she spoke, amazed. I had totally misjudged Rarity from the beginning, thinking that she was little more than a gossip with no regard for secrecy. I realized now that she was a much better friend than the others, at least, what I considered to be a better friend.

“...I appreciate that more than you know, Rarity. It takes a good friend to know when and when not to interfere.”

“Oh believe me, darling, if you weren’t you, I would be giving you the third degree. But, seeing how much it pained you to open up, I think giving you the space you need is far more prudent than sating my own curiosity.”

I rolled my eyes. “Seeing as how you’re so willing to be patient and let me speak on my own time, I might as well tell you now while I’m willing.”

Rarity raised her eyebrows and rolled her hand in a ‘go on’ gesture.

“Sleeping with Fluttershy ended up costing me the friendship slash relationship with the same mare who comforted me when I needed it. I feel like there’s few enough ways I could have betrayed her any worse. All the woman’s ever shown me was kindness and I spit in her face for it. I only have myself to blame for it. Now Pinkie thinks I’m a slut, and I’m pretty sure Fluttershy doesn’t want to look at me.”

“I can understand where your special somepony’s coming from. Is there no hope of you two getting back together?”

“Not that I see. I’m not worthy of her anyway. Not as I am now.”

Rarity tutted and pursed her lips. “Why does Pinkie think you’re a ‘slut’? I’m sure that’s not the case.”

“I’m pretty sure it is. I’ll be trusting you to keep a secret if I do tell you, and I don’t want you to treat her any differently afterwards.”

“You should know how the nobles of Canterlot operate, Max. Prudence and austerity are the order of the day, everyday. One doesn’t get far by blabbing every little thing.” Rarity preened.

“I do know how the bourgeoisie like to do business, and gossip is a powerful tool.” I thought for a moment.

“HEY PINKIE!” I shouted.

She popped out of a wardrobe she should not have been able to fit in. Don’t ask.

“Yeees~?” She asked innocuously.

“H-How? When? What!?” Rarity stammered.

“Please leave; this is a private conversation.”

“Awww, but you were just about to get to the good part!”

“Private is private, and eavesdropping is incredibly rude.” She opened her mouth and I cut her off. “I already told Fluttershy off for it, so no, I’m not treating you unfairly.”

Pinkie huffed and skipped out, slamming the door behind her.

“...How did you know she was there?”

“Long shot guess. You know she somehow broke into the Lock Pad, right? That’s how she learned about my past in the first place.”

“...Isn’t that the, you know, lock shop?”

“It is. Best security in Ponyville, if Onyx Lock’s word is any good.”

“That’s terrifying.”

“I know. Pinkie scares me most times I talk to her.”

“Speaking of, are you getting to why she thinks your morals are so based?”

“She approached me after most of you left and propositioned me.”

“She wouldn’t!”

“She did. I don’t know why telling her about the shit show-”

Rarity tsked and wagged her finger.

“Right, the unfortunate events of my past would put her in any sort of mood for that, but she did nonetheless.”

“I don’t know why she would do that, but it’s so unlike her! Pinkie has to be one of the most innocent mares I know, if her parties and general personality are anything to go by.”

“Her festivities do tend to be rather childish, but if there’s one thing I’m learning about Pinkie, it’s that she’s a wildcard of epic proportions.”

“That’s true. Now, why do you think Fluttershy is upset with you?”

“She gave me her first time and I can’t deal with her in a relationship.”

“Max! A mare’s first time is a sacred thing; you can’t just kick her to the curb like a common whorse!”

“I was willing to try a relationship, but we’ve done nothing but argue since I’ve gotten back! I didn't ask to be her first, she sought me out, and that was only because she wanted to control me, to make me into her perfect man. That’s just something I couldn’t abide by. Why do you always assume I’m in the wrong when it comes to her?”

“Well, I’ve known Fluttershy for some time now and she makes quite the habit of being right. That, and I do consider myself closer to her than most of our other friends due to our common interests. Is defending a friend so bad?”

“Never said it was, I just asked why you assumed I was being a prick.”

“To be fair, you usually are.”

“Shut up, marshmallow, I’ll piss on your foot.”

Rarity gave me a disgusted look. “No gentlecolt speaks like that.”

“No wonder I need the help. Can we get onto some clothing ideas? I enjoy talking to you, but I haven’t slept in a while and I feel like sh-” Rarity raised a finger. “Feel like bad. I feel like bad.”

“Better, but grammatically incorrect. I suppose we could get on with our lesson now.”

Rarity and I spent the next hour and a half going over various fashions from Canterlot that ranged from snobby to formal, yet humble. I have to say, the woman knows her stuff and since she already had a pretty good idea of what I would and wouldn’t wear, it was a relatively painless process. That is, it was painless until she had to do my measurements so she could tailor my items. The process was awkward and I swear she copped a feel, no matter how many times she denied it. In any case, it turned out to be a productive meeting, though my mood from earlier hadn’t lessened much. I was still feeling like the shit on the bottom of your shoe after walking through a dog park in flip flops, but I did feel like I could actually get some sleep when I got home.

Lupa greeted me outside when I got back with a loud bark and some circling as we walked back into the house. After writing a check for a hefty sum that covered the costs for my new outfits and my investment in Rarity’s business, I headed to bed and actually got some goddamn sleep.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I didn’t wake up until noon the next day when Lupa alerted me to a visitor who turned out to be some mail woman with some rather derp eyes. She was a bit of a goofball, but I wasn’t going to take a jab at her without a reason, so I politely thanked her and wished her a good day. I happened to notice that she did not fly straight in any sense of the word and just chalked it up to Ponyville being fucking weird. My mail turned out to be a note pertaining to my bank balance which made me smile a little. Apparently Luna thought my work with the Kobolds warranted a bit extra. A lot extra, actually, since she paid me per cadaver which had been a good few. With my finances settled for the foreseeable future, I could check one worry off my list. With nothing else to do, I considered hanging out with Rainbow Dash for the day if she wasn’t still mad about me laying Fluttershy. At least I wouldn’t have to worry about her asking for my dong.

As it turns out, Rainbow is a difficult person to find if you can’t fly. I kept an eye to the sky and Lupa watched the ground as we searched high and low for her. We asked around town which lead to us meeting a few ponies that were disturbed by my now monotone voice. I hoped that the inflection would return once I got out of this funk, but I guess my body just felt like it was a needless nicety at the moment. After failing to find Rainbow by five, I gave up and went back to the Whitetail Woods to pick a plant that I had seen there. Lupa must have sensed my plans, because she nipped the back of my calf as we neared the place I had seen it. I patted her head and gave a mirthless chuckle as we approached the tall, five leaved plant and boy was it sticky to the touch. I’ll admit that I may have salivated at the sight of it.

For those of you reading my journals (which should hopefully be myself or Celestia, otherwise go fuck yourself), you should understand that I’ve always preferred leaves to drinks, and that was mostly because I’ve never seen anyone throw a bar stool at someone while lit to high heaven. In fact, I don’t believe I’d ever seen anyone hurt anything other than their wallet or their stomach while under the influence, so I considered it safer for myself than a good drink. I could smoke anytime, but if I was in a bad mood when I drank, everyone in the room and neighboring buildings knew about it one way or the other.

I cut the plant down from its base and carried it home while whistling a tune. Even if the past few days had sucked, the I could at least make sure I could keep something down long enough for it to digest with this. I remembered what I had told Pinkie a few day's ago about momentary respites and gave Lupa instructions to carry off whatever I had later in case I became dependent in any sense of the word. Some people would say that you can’t become addicted to grass, but I knew better than most that you could get addicted to just about anything if you weren’t careful. Hell, just look at Americans and their various kinds of Coke. Actually, look at my countrymen and Ribena. Shit seems innocent enough until you’re chugging it by the liter on a daily basis.

All bullshit aside, I hung the plant upside down in my shed and hoped that it would be dry enough come morning when I realized something; I had a unicorn who liked to ‘experiment’ and probably wouldn’t mind helping me if I left enough details out. I rethought my actions before I left the house, deciding that I would be upfront about why I wanted it. If she asked. Otherwise, I was going to conduct an experiment on what happened when you burned it then inhaled the smoke.

Science, bitch.

I trekked across Ponyville (again) and found myself in front of the Treebrary. I didn’t think I would ever come back after Twilight had nearly gotten me wiped off the face of the planet by Celestia, but here we were. Lupa went to open the door since she was ahead of me when we arrived, but I told her to wait and knocked thrice. A little purple friend of mine greeted me at the door.

“Hey Spike, what’s up?”

“Not much. Got some chores to do, Twilight keeps giving me homework. You know, the usual. What’s wrong with your voice?”

“Twilight put a curse on me.” I wiggled my fingers at him. “Speaking of the evil homework giver, is she in?”

“She hides in her lair on the second story of her great Athenaeum!”

“I’m usually the one who breaks out the big words. Not bad at all, little man. What’s it mean?”

“Library, duh.” Spike held up some air quotes and mocked Twilight. “Use context clues.”

I couldn’t help but lift the corner of my mouth at his impression. It was pretty accurate.

“Mind if I head on up? I’ve got an experiment I need her help with.”

“Don’t let me stop you. Nerd.” Spike went back to whatever he was doing.

I walked up the stairs to Twilight’s room and heard the faintest sounds of something that a more genteel fellow would never write down. I’m a dirty pervert most of the time, so I listened in on Twilight’s moaning and the stifled noise that sounded oddly like the stirring of macaroni and cheese. If I felt less shitty, I probably would have walked in with some banter, but fortunately for her, I held my silence and backed away from the door. Once I was sure the sounds had ceased, I knocked on her door and counted the seconds.

It took her thirteen seconds to get to the door and another three to open it. She stuck her head out and looked around until she found me.

“Oh! Hi Max. Can I help you with something?” She did not look like she wanted to help me with something.

“Sorry, thought you were done. Just wanted a hand with an experiment I’d like to conduct.”

Her interest was piqued. “Experiment? What are you testing?” She opened the door a bit further. I could see she wasn’t wearing knickers and her blouse was open, revealing a black brazier.

“The effects of a plant on Pony biology, and if you help, human biology too.”

“Yeah, I’ll help! Just let me ah,” Twilight had opened the door the rest of the way as she spoke before she realized she was half naked. She closed it with a slam and I could hear a steady stream of ‘ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh’ through it. I leaned against the opposite wall and waited. Four or so minutes later, Twilight peeked out the door again.

“...Can you pretend you didn’t see that?”

“Pretend I didn’t see what? You had the door closed the entire time as far as I’m concerned. Quite rude to talk to someone through a door by the way.” Twilight breathed a sigh of relief and came out wearing a grey knee length skirt and a black blazer. She had put her hair up into a bun and donned little half circle glasses that I was quite sure she didn’t actually need, but she pulled off the business woman attire rather well.

“I apologize for that.” She paused and silence took over. She bid Spike farewell and told him to go to bed at a decent time and we travelled on in silence with Lupa sticking close to me.

We had walked for sometime without saying anything when I finally broke the awkward silence.

“Are you wondering how I knew?”

“W-What?” She blushed. It was a common color on her around me.

“I asked if you were wondering how I knew.”

“I heard you. Yes, I was wondering, but I didn’t want to ask. How did you know what I was thinking about?”

“Your body language. The way you acted when you answered the door. When I said I didn’t mean to interrupt, you looked like a deer in headlights.”

“I don’t know what that means but I think I get the point… You didn’t hear me, did you?”

“I did, but even if I hadn’t, I would’ve known from the sound of your hand slipping on the doorknob.” I chuckled.

Twilight hugged herself and muttered a Pony curse. “Why do you always have to embarrass me?” She murmured.

“I try not to, I’m just not used to passing up easy targets. Just tell me if you think I’m taking my teasing to far and I’ll stop or lighten up, either one.”

“Thank you, I’ll try that instead of just getting mad at you since I know you’re not doing it to be mean.”

“Thank you for understanding. Did I ever apologize for torturing you at my place a few days ago?” I asked.

“I think so. Do you mean the same day you lied to me about sleeping with Fluttershy?” Twilight accused.

“Oi, I just dodged your question. I didn’t actually lie to you while you were there.”

“You may as well have! I don’t know how many different angles I should be watching what you say from at any given time! It’s hard to pick out what exactly you mean.”

“I’ll try to be more straight forward, then. I figured since you’re more of a thinker, it would give you something to do, but if you’re not up to the challenge…” I waited to see if she would take the bait.

“I’ll admit, it’s fun to a point. It’s ;ess fun when you’re so cryptic it doesn’t make sense!”

“You figured out my hint when we and the girls got together. Congrats, by the way.”

“What you did was mean, even if nopony else saw that.” She admonished

“I wanted to see if Fluttershy would speak up, or if she would lie. Basically, how she handled that decided how I would handle the talk I knew we were going to have later.”

“Oh? How’d your talk go?”

“Poorly in the short term, though it’ll be better in the long run for both of us. Fluttershy can’t handle me at my dickest without getting upset or crying anyways and I tend to be a dick.”

“You know, I talked to her about you. She said you let her down as gently as a pony like you could.”

“...That’s actually kind of hurtful. I’ll admit I could have handled it better, but I was under extreme emotional duress at the time and had just finished talking to Pinkie in my defense.”

“You talked to Pinkie too? What did she want?”

“Nothing I was willing to give.”

We continued chatting for the short clip back to my house, and I told her about commissioning Rarity to make me some nicer outfits. Twilight isn’t much of a fashion kinda girl so she didn’t really care, though she pretended to be interested, which was nice of her.

I showed Twilight to my shed and shoved her inside leaning against the door to stop her from getting out. It worked for a few minutes until she teleported out.

“That was mean!”

“Teleporting is cheating.” I sighed.

“Do you do this to everypony?” She rubbed her face.

“Only the cute ones.” I deadpanned. She blushed and looked at me.

“If you hadn’t said that in the second flattest voice I’ve ever heard, I might believe it.”

“My voice has been dead since after I talked to you girls. I’m wondering how you didn’t notice sooner.”

“I think your accent makes it harder to notice.” She was about to say something else when she stopped. “Hey! Don’t distract me, I’m mad at you!”

“I thought you were just going to tell me to lay off instead of getting mad?”

“Oooh!” She huffed. “You’ve got to be the most aggravating stallion I’ve ever met, and I’ve met Prince Blueblood!”

“I don’t know him, but he sounds like a proper twat anyway. With a name like Blueblood, it wouldn’t surprise me at all.”

“You can’t change the subject on me this time!”

“If I can’t change the subject, what about the dependant variable?”

She gasped. “You wouldn’t.”

“I would. But, you could dissuade me by,” I opened my shed and exposed my subject, “drying this out so we can use it for the experiment.”

“Anything to stop you from fudging results!” She actually shivered. Her horn lit up and the green tree began putting of heat waves and turned a darker green.

I plucked a large bud from it and smiled at Twilight.

“Alright, we’ve got a specimen. Now to find a way to utilize it. I don’t suppose you know where we could get a pipe of any kind, do you?”

“I think I have a corncob one my dad gave me along with an old fashioned deerstalker.” Twilight tilted her head. “What would we need a pipe for?”

“The experiment is testing the effects of inhaling the smoke earned from combusting this,” I held up the sticky bud I had picked, “through some manner of device. If you don’t want to use your pipe, I’m sure we could use an apple, though I doubt it would work as well.” It usually went pretty poorly in my experience.

“Well,” She said, teleporting her pipe into her hand, “there’s no point to having something you don’t use, though I didn’t even know what it was for until now.”

She handed it to me and I blew the dust both out and off of it. “If you like the effects, then you have something to use in the future. Let’s take this inside.”

Since the bud I had picked was rather on the large side and the bowl on the pipe was also large, I just chopped the herb like any other and filled the apparatus. I grabbed some paper from the desk in my room and we sat at my kitchen table.

“Do you want to go first, or should I since it’s my experiment? I’m pretty sure you’re better at chronicling information that I am.”

“I don’t even know if that stuff is safe for consumption. That looks an awful lot like something poisonous, Max.”

“It probably is safe. I don’t doubt that you can eat it, I want to examine the effects of smoking it.”

“...Maybe you should go first?”

“My pleasure. Can you light it for me when I give you the thumbs up? A little flame will do, now. I want to keep my eyebrows.” She rolled her eyes and I broght the pipe to my mouth and gave her the thumbs up. I drew heavily, but I never expected it to hurt so much!

Maybe I was out of practice, or maybe it was stronger than what I’d had back in England. Either way, I held it like a champ before exhaling. I noticed the effect almost immediately.

Twilight’s nose wrinkled. “It’s an awfully strong smell, though it’s not that bad I guess.”

“Twilight, take note; Vision is clearer, if a little unfocused. I feel somewhat lightheaded and thinking takes a bit more effort, but it’s not too severe.” I stood up and walked around.

“Motor function seems slightly impaired, and-” It hit me hard all at once.

“Dude.”

“Yes Max? Are you okay?”

“I’m good.” A smile worked its way onto my face and I giggled at Twilight’s outfit, thinking it was funny yet suitable at the same time. I drew the comparison of the guttersnipe stoner against the respectable business woman and started giggling harder.

“Are, are you sure you’re okay?”

“Side effects include giddiness,” I tried to control my chuckles, “impaired vision, and one hell of an appetite in a little bit.”

“Wait, are you saying you already know the effects?” Twilight seemed unhappy.

“We got something similar where I come from. I was wondering if it did the same thing.” I smiled at her. “It dooo.”

“Well, your voice seems to have returned to normal for the most part. I’ll add slight slurring to the list.” She jotted it down.

“Lord, once I sober up a bit, we need to find a pony test subject.”

“Do you think you could take notes as you are now?”

“Yeah, just give me a moment to get my fins.”

“...Why would you have fins?”

“They’re sea legs, Twilight!” I broke into another round of giggles.

“Riiight.” She nodded and jotted something else down before she the picked up the pipe and mimicked me. She coughed and spluttered when it hit her lungs.

“How did you inhale that? It hurts!”

“Because I know how to handle it and I’ve been doing it for years. Take a smaller breath when you inhale, don’t try to get all your air from the pipe.”

“Okay. I think I get that.” She exhaled and took a small breath before she hit it again, this time going much gentler. She still coughed, but not as bad as last time.

I sat back down and grabbed a pencil. “So what’s it like, Twi?”

“I see what you-” She stopped cold. “Oh dear Celestia.”

“So it hits ponies faster. Noted.” I jotted it down, struggling to make my handwriting legible.

“How? What? I…” Twilight seemed to get lost in another thought every few seconds.

“Twilight, you gotta focus through it.” She shook her head and looked at me, her eyes bright red.

“Dude.”

“Dude.”

“We have to do this again.” Twilight grinned.

“We might do, don’t want to abuse it now.” I tried to keep a straight face but we both broke out giggling.

Over the course of the hour, we got through half of what I had chopped up and made more sandwiches than I could count. Lupa had gone to bed after thirty straight minutes of affection from Twilight and I, and our antics didn’t stop there. After loading up one last time, I shared crucial information with Twilight.

“You know, Pony girl.”

“What hoomun?”

“You know that thing you were doing at your house when I came over?”

“Masturbating?”

“Yeah, that. That feels even better when you’re stoned.”

“I’m totally gonna go try that when I get home!”

“Do it, dude! It’ll change your life forever!”

“Can I take some home with me?”

“Go for it, just don’t put it in there!” I broke out giggling for the umpteenth time.

Twilight followed suit. “I’m gonna do it, just so you have to get it out for me!”

“That’s so weird!” We both guffawed.

I walked Twilight home shortly after and sobered up quickly on the walk back in the cool summer night breeze until I realized that I had to see Onyx Lock for that drink. I was still feeling some of the effects, so I wasn’t planning on going much further than a pint or two.

I caught Onyx Lock on his way out of the Lock Pad and we headed to the local bar. Trading stories of our lives, criticizing his new help, and downing a few mugs of something disgustingly cold ate up a few hours. I liked Onyx because he reminded me of my father in a sense. They looked nothing alike, but my father had a ‘speak softly and carry a big stick’ policy that applied to Onyx Lock very well. I did most of the talking, granted, but it was nice to spend time with another male that was old enough to talk about women in depth. Spike was too young, and most of the men in Ponyville were either taken or friends with Big Macintosh, who had made it a point to relieve me of as many male friends as possible. I didn’t regret threatening the fuck’s life since he had done so in turn, but I did want to deck him a good one once Onyx told me about how much he had sullied my name. It made me think of the fact I now had a potent gossip who was probably willing to grant me a small boon by dissuading the mares of Ponyville against soliciting me for sex, and could probably charm most of the stallions into doubting Mac’s words. I hated stooping to play his game, if he even was playing, just to get some peace and quiet but it would be worth it if Rarity could put an end to those curious looks I’d been getting.

Onyx and I parted ways around midnight and I was glad that I had gotten a few things on my list ticked off. I wondered briefly about the consequences of introducing Twilight to weed, wondering if it was addictive to ponies and resolved to see if she was still high tomorrow morning. If she was, I would go ahead and get rid of what I had left. It’s not like I wanted to corrupt her or any of the ponies further than my very presence already had, and I really didn’t want to have Twilight go full pot professor on me like a few people I had known. It was an amusing transformation, but Celestia might kill me for getting her student lit in the first place, experiment or not. I played with the notion of giving Celestia some laced brownies on my way home, and I knew just how to get them to her. That is, if she would even fall for the bait.

I picked up a few dark beers on my way back home from a general store that had been open late and let them warm up so they would actually be palatable, setting myself up for an all nighter. I wasn’t one hundred percent sure on how to refine it like I used to, but I had the steps memorized and was confident I could pick up what I had forgotten by going through the motions. I won’t detail the steps here, and even though I did make a copy for later use, I hid it well to protect the dirty, sticky secrets that Ponies really don’t need to know about.

Once I had my budder ready for baking, I had no idea where to go from there. I was going to need brownie mix and a fair bit of it, or I was going to be making some incredibly strong baked goods. If the effects from earlier were anything to go by, these were going to be dank either way, but I didn’t want anyone to get too high too fast, though I did wonder if I could get Luna to try some. I knew Celestia had a thing for exotic chocolates, so I could possibly melt the budder into some chocolate and bake it into a cake. Luna was going to be trickier; I knew she had a thing for cookies, which didn’t mask the flavor as well, but I could use chocolate chips to take some of the edge off. My plan was slowly coming together, but I knew that I would have to wait until tomorrow to get anything done.

After I had spent the night cleaning, updating my journal, and processing the rest of my herbs and spices by finely chopping before freezing them, I cooked the last of my groceries into a paltry breakfast for Lupa. I didn’t have much of an appetite after the weed had worn off, but I knew I still needed to eat, so I figured I would spend the morning in Sugarcube Corner to see if I could get some brownie supplies and grocery shopping. Again. I wasn’t totally opposed to shopping, but it was a tedious task that would impede the progress of my prank, so I decided to save that for last. Lupa and I strolled on over to Sugarcube Corner and I cleared my mind with the cool morning air. I tried not to think about my current sleeping habits, or rather, the lack thereof and what that meant for my mental health. I hadn’t realized just how bad losing Velvet had hurt, which made me wonder if losing Celestia would be just as bad.

I rethought my prank.

Oh well, I had plenty of supplies to use, so I may as well prank someone. The question now was who would it be? I thought it was going to be more of a friendly prank, so I knew Rainbow Dash had to be on the list. Twilight, for certain, since she had already experienced the effects and would know what I had done. Rarity wouldn’t take too kindly to it, but I figured that if I was going to prank Applejack, I may as well get her foil in on the fun. I didn’t want to deal with Pinkie, although I was going directly to her place of work to get the prank rolling. Fluttershy and Pinkie were definitely off limits; nothing good would come of messing with them, and though I knew Rainbow would try and get me back, at least I knew what she came up with would make sense according to the laws of nature. At least, the laws in Ponyland. I slapped myself when I saw that I was thinking again, which reaped a few odd looks. I waved and half-smiled at my onlookers and entered the gingerbread house shaped bakery.

Of course, the two girls I wanted to deal with the least were standing at the counter when I walked in, and if Lupa hadn’t been directly behind me, I was very confident that I would have made it out unseen. My luck was bone dry when Lupa’s tail thudded into the back of my knee as I stepped back which led to a rather painful fall into the door. The majority of the eyes in the shop were on me as I swore at my rotten luck and aching head. Pinkie and Fluttershy were staring at me like they had just been discussing yours truly when I’d walked in. Massaging the back of my head and cursing whatever dickwad higher power lorded over circumstance, I walked over.

“Mornin’ ladies. How’s it going?”

Fluttershy offered me a sad smile and Pinkie glared. “What do you want?” Pinkie spat.

“Brownie mix if you have it.” I answered casually.

“I’ll tell you where you can shove your brownie mix, Mister!”

Fluttershy cringed. “Pinkie! I-I asked you not to do this…”

“You should have asked me to do this! Mister Meanie Pants here hurt you!”

I spoke up. “I do apologize for that, Fluttershy. I just don’t believe you would ever really be happy with me and vice versa.”

“That’s not for you to decide!” Pinkie exclaimed. We were attracting a lot of attention. Mr. and Mrs. Cake both seemed apprehensive, conversing in whispers a good distance away.

Flutters came to my defense “T-That’s not true! Nopony should have to be forced into something!”

“And no one should be forced to suffer because they want to help someone.” I added.

Pinkie threw her hands up and walked away. “It’s like talking to a wall!”

“Irony is beautiful.” I drily commented, watching Pinkie walk away. I turned to Fluttershy. “I know it’s a bit soon, but how are you?”

“I’m… O-Okay, all things considered…”

That eased my conscience slightly. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. It feels like I say that a lot.”

“You’re just different, Max. I understand that, now.” Fluttershy’s smile was genuine. “You’re not cruel, just dumb sometimes.”

“I’d object to that if-” A bag of brownie mix hit me square in the back of the head, coating Fluttershy and I in a fine powder. I turned around and saw Pinkie smirking with her arms crossed. Fluttershy wiped the brownie mix from her eyes and peered around me. Lupa hopped on the counter and barked.

Pinkie stopped smirking. “Oh Fluttershy! I-I sorry! I didn't mean to-”

“Pinkie Pie, arguing is one thing, but we can’t let you waste supplies in the shop!” Mr. Cake derided her. Pinkie shrank and averted her gaze.

I didn’t care. “Hey, Mr. Cake, I love your guy’s brownies. Can I buy some of your mix from you?”

“One sec, sweetie.” Mrs. Cake answered. “What has gotten into you, Pinkie!?”

“Well he hurt my friend!” Pinkie retorted.

I tasted the brownie mix and looked at Fluttershy who looked ready to cry. I licked her face and left a long clean streak, giving her a Braveheart-esque appearance. Fluttershy narrowed her eyes and cocked her head, her tears left unfallen.

“...He also just licked your friend; are you going to throw some flour at him too?” Mr. Cake asked.

“N-No…” Pinkie looked down.

I rolled my eyes. “Don’t be to hard on her, she was just being herself. I asked for some brownie mix anyway.”

The Cakes stared at me and Fluttershy was still looking at me like I had licked her face.

“What? Gotta be nice sometimes, helps with getting you Ponies to think I’m not a lost cause.”

“Well, if you’re willing to forgive her, I suppose we could do the same.” Mr. Cake cut Pinkie a glare. “Stop wasting supplies!” He and his wife went back to what they were doing.

Fluttershy and I were still quite brown, and Pinkie avoided looking at me. “Since I just helped you out, would you mind getting me that mix?”

Pinkie’s hair was completely flat as she trod off.

“...Why did you lick me?” Fluttershy asked.

“To cheer you up. Wanna prank our friends?”

“Is Pinkie one of them?”

“She can be added to the list upon request.”

She smirked. “Then I’d be delighted.”

Pinkie returned with my brownie mix and I paid her while Fluttershy was half-assing some comfort. I told Flutters to meet me at my place around one or so, and I went along with my shopping trip. Of course I earned a lot of odd looks for being covered in delicious pre-brownie, but I hadn’t really thought about giving a fuck so I ignored the haters and grabbed the essentials, some more sugar and a chew toy for Lupa which I ended up trading for a massive bone of unknown origin. It was fake since the ponies didn’t take kindly to killing animals for their tasty, tasty resources, but it made Lupa happy despite not being the real deal. She carried the bone and used it to balance two bags of groceries while I carried the rest of our hulking load back home.

I needed a fucking shower, so I did that real quick and found out that having crap in your hair is really annoying. After that, I waited for Fluttershy to arrive before I started on the secret recipe, though she didn’t know what to make of my budder. I assured her that it was safe as I dumped a copious amount of it into the batter and stirred it in thoroughly. Celestia had been nice enough to give me cookware so I didn’t need to head out and buy another bake pan, though I did make a smaller batch that had an even higher concentration that I planned on giving to Celestia and Luna, despite the cold feet I had gotten earlier. It was going to be a fun time if I could get them to try them. Fluttershy had to give me a few tips on baking so I wouldn’t ruin the batch, effectively saving the prank. I had been paying close attention to her throughout her visit and she seemed to be more at ease around me than she had been in the past. Her stutter was gone after the first few minutes, and she brushed her hair out of her face more often than she hid behind it. I cracked a few of my tamer jokes and Fluttershy’s laugh forced a genuine smile on my face. I received one from Fluttershy in return and the awkwardness I had felt melted away, almost making me regret turning her down before getting to see this side of her. I wondered if our current situation was purely a result from our earlier arguments being forgotten as we gave actually being friends a try. It was a nice feeling that I had never gotten from Fluttershy before. I would have to get her and Rarity together sometime to do something, if things continued along this path.

Our goods were well baked an hour and a half after we’d started. I’d saved licking the spatula for Fluttershy, but didn’t warn her about the effects it would have. She saw through my ruse and gave me a womanly look when I suggested that she have the honor. I shrugged and took it for myself, not wanting to waste good brownie batter. It wasn’t too bad and didn’t taste like straight weed, though it was somewhat noticeable. We let or brownies cool, portioned them out, and transported them to Fluttershy’s to give them a good home on a dessert dish. It was time to enact our master plan! Fluttershy went off to get Rainbow, Pinkie, and Applejack, while I went off to find Twilight and Rarity. My living room had hosted everyone once before, so we agreed to meet up there and wait for each other before we broke out the stash.

I sent Twilight over to my place since she didn’t have anything better to do. I was glad to see that she hadn’t used all of the weed she’d brought home with her, which put some of my worry to rest. It seemed to affect ponies like it did humans, so I assumed the prank would go well as long as Fluttershy and I managed to keep them contained to one area.

I visited Rarity who was working on something or other when I stopped by. After a bit of cajoling and subtle flattery, I got her to follow me on our way over, though she wouldn’t quit questioning my motives about inviting all of our friends over for snacks. I retorted that I just ‘needed my friends’ and might as well feed them while they’re around and she was justifiably skeptical. Her doubt, however, abated once I told her that I had Fluttershy help me set it up.

Fluttershy was going to be a powerful ally.

We arrived last of our friends, though Rarity reasoned it away as being fashionably late.

“So what did ya call us over here for, Max?” Applejack asked.

“Just wanted to see my friends without having the mood be morbid as hell. Figured now was a pretty good time since Fluttershy and I made some brownies.” Fluttershy scurried off to the kitchen and brought them out, placing them on the middle of the coffee table. She flashed me a nervous smile, but the feeling I’d had from earlier was long gone, replaced by that aching void again. I gave her a convincing grin, and let my face relax back to what had become my new normal; flat and placid. Seemingly satisfied, Fluttershy helped herself to one of the cookies I had laid out earlier instead of going for a brownie. I wanted to sell the ruse, so I took one and chewed it carefully, giving it a nod.

I cast a quick glance around the room. “They’ve got a funny taste to them, but they’re not bad. Probably should have got some icing.”

“Well now, I’ve got to see just what comes of a stallion’s baking!” Rarity grabbed one and chewed carefully. “I rather like it, though it does remind me a bit of that Ponitalian spice. It’s not too distracting, but if you know it’s there it’s easy to pick out.”

Rainbow grabbed one and ate it whole. I knew from some experience that she had fucked all the way up. The rest of the ladies followed Rarity’s example and took smaller bites, save for Pinkie. She looked me dead in the eye as she took the tiniest of nibbles, her hair still completely straight from getting reamed by her bosses a couple hours ago. I took another bite of my brownie without breaking eye contact and made sure she could see me swallow, though that didn’t incentivize her to eat the rest of hers. Pinkie set it down on a napkin.

“You can’t bake very well.” She said icily.

The girls all looked over to her wide eyed. “I know that. If it was up to me, we would just be eating cookies and drinking tea. Fluttershy’s the only reason these things are edible.” I replied calmly.

It wasn’t that I was becoming more even tempered, it was just very hard to care. Of course Pinkie was trying to piss me off, and I saw straight through her attempts, not seeing them to be worth wasting the efforts of stirring my metaphorical coals. It helped that as I presented more apathy towards her jabs, the more she seemed to get frustrated.

“Pinkie, that was uncalled for. Max and Fluttershy went through the trouble of making something interesting for us, and if you don’t like it, you don’t have to eat it." Twilight scolded. Rarity and Rainbow nodded in agreement.

“Twilight, I threw a bag of brownie mix at his head earlier today, and now he’s inviting me to his house for snacks. Something isn’t right.”

“I invited most of my Ponyville friends over, it would be a bigger dick move to not invite you. All you did was necessitate a shower.”

“Three weeks ago, you would have yelled and shouted at me, but now you’re suddenly Mr. Forgiveness? You’re still Mr. Meanie Pants in my book! I don’t know what your angle is, but I’m onto you!”

Fluttershy came to my defense. “I-I helped him make the brownies myself, Pinkie! The only extra thing we added was oregano, and that’s because he wanted to try something!”

“I figured if you ponies eat plants and flowers, they must taste different to you. I wondered if it was the same for herbs and spices.”

Pinkie took a bigger bite of her brownie and chewed. “It tastes funny.”

I raised an eyebrow. “I’m sure you'd taste funny too with all the jokes you make.”

The girls giggled and the tension eased slightly. Everyone except Pinkie and Fluttershy were on their second brownie, and I could feel the effects of the mine settling in. It felt like an indica high, so I wouldn’t have to worry about them going anywhere.

Rainbow was the first to feel the effects. “Hey, what did you say was in these brownies?” She rubbed her slightly ruddy eyes. It was only the beginning.

“Oh, you know, just an extra herb I thought you might enjoy.” My face creased into a devious grin and Rainbow gulped along with Twilight.

“Max, you didn’t put that plant from last night in these, did you?” Twilight asked. My grin grew.

“No, I didn’t put any weed them. If I did, you’d have leaves in your mouth, yeah?”

“I don’t know what that is, but I do feel somethin’ awfully funny. You didn’t slip us no Poison Joke, did ya?” Applejack seemed worried.

“Nothing of the sort! Just a little something I found in the Whitetail Woods that I thought you might enjoy.

“I don’t know what you girls are talking about, I feel perfectly fine.” Rarity stated. I chalked it up to Rainbow and Applejack having ridiculous metabolisms from the constant exercise they got.

“Welcome to the Mary Jane express. Please remain seated for the duration of your ride, keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, and feel free to help yourselves to another snack.” I finished the brownie I had started and just sat back in my chair, sipping my tea.

Fluttershy beamed. “Congratulations girls! You’ve just been pranked!” Everyone (stroke me) just stared at Fluttershy as she giggled.

“Fluttershy?” Rainbow asked. “You’ve never pulled a prank in your life! How could you do one with Max but not me!?” She slurred.

The yellow mare shrugged. “You never asked me to bake. I like baking.”

I chuckled and facepalmed: Would Fluttershy have helped me even if it didn’t involve something she liked to do? I considered asking her, but left it as a mystery.

“But I saw Max eat a brownie too! Why would ya go and prank yourself?” Applejack asked in disbelief. It seemed to not affect her speech or mobility, but her eyes were pink.

“If Fluttershy and I both didn’t eat them, how would we sell the prank? At least one of us had to take one for the team, and I happen to enjoy the effects.” I pretended to think as Applejack and Rainbow began to hyperventilate. “You girls know that I wouldn’t poison you, right? It’s harmless as long as you stay calm, so stop freaking out.”

Twilight was confused. “If you didn’t put any ‘weed’ in these, then why do I feel the same as last night?” She rubbed her face and patted it a few times.

“Well I didn’t put the plant itself in there, I just made some extract of the fun stuff inside.” I explained.

Rainbow and Applejack were both slouched in their seats, though Applejack just seemed more worried than stoned. They had eaten three apiece and Rainbow was probably stuck to high hell. Rarity just looked on in confusion, just about fine, while Pinkie was glaring red-eyed daggers at me.

“This isn’t a very funny prank.”

“If you think so, then watch this. Hey, Rainbow.” She struggled to look at me as I walked over. I stopped at Rainbow Dash’s hooves and took her shoes off as she meekly kicked at me.

“Hey!” She garbled. “Stop it!” I looked up at her as I grabbed her leg and started tickling her. She tried to get away, but she was so discoordinated, she just fell out of the chair and howled with laughter. Even after I stopped, she had the giggles and kept going.

The corner of Pinkie’s mouth was slightly raised, and when I looked at her, her hair seemed a bit more voluminous. I moved onto Applejack, who was trying to walk away, but she stumbled on the coffee table and didn’t manage to get past my kitchen before I caught her tail and dragged her back, the cowboy boots she was wearing offering no resistance on my hardwood floors.

“Lemme go!” She turned around and grabbed for my hands, but I was too nimble and she was too high. I got behind her and grabbed her sides, tickling her as she sank to the floor bellowing laughter as she tried to get away from me. I kept my eyes well above the denim skirt that went to her mid thigh she was wearing and focused on punishing her.

“S-S-Stop it! I-I’m n-not playin’ with you, Max!” She couldn’t keep the smile off of her face as I switched back and forth from her armpits to her sides. I gave her a little extra time than I had given to Rainbow because I felt like it. When I finished, she was blushing furiously and still giggled as she slowly picked herself up.

“You’re the most evil stallion I’ve ever met.” She said through the aftershocks. “If I didn’t know no better, I’d say you were tryin’ to get a peek!” She accused as she tugged her skirt down from where it had ridden up.

“Glad you know better.” I offered her a hand up and when she stood, she wrapped me in a bear hug, pinning my arms to my side as she buried her head in my chest.

I wheezed as she squeezed the air out of my lungs before she put me down. I felt my back pop in a few different places, which made it rather worth the experience. I hadn’t been picked up by a woman before, and I had to say I was a little terrified because of the strength I knew she had.

“I ain’t like Rainbow, I’ll get you back for that!” She grabbed my sides and I lifted my arms. The only place I was ticklish was my inner thighs , and I doubted she wanted to explore below the waist.

I quickly learned that I was wrong when Rarity picked me up with her magic and put me on the floor, allowing Applejack to straddle my legs as she searched my body for a ticklish spot. I held my laughter back and avoided looking under her skirt when it rode up higher than before. I saw Rarity perch her head on her hand as she looked onward with a smug smile on her face. Her horn stopped glowing when Applejack got off me to move to my feet, and I saw my chance to escape, only to be caught by Twilight.

She, and Rarity walked over, forming a little circle with Applejack as I floated in the air. I looked over to Fluttershy to ask for help and saw that she had a brownie in her hand, her eyes glazed over as she chewed. She looked over and gave me a stained smile while Pinkie tried to look innocent next to her. The cotton candy like quality had returned and I was now dealing with a bunch of stoned women who had a pretty good reason to mess with me.

The trio of mares broke their huddle and giggled at me.

“You know, I think I saw Max laugh a little when you got his thighs, Applejack.” Twilight stated. She, Rarity, and Applejack were all wearing devious smiles.

“I do believe you’re right, Twilight. Should we pay him back for making our dear, sweet Applejack suffer so terribly?”

“Hey now, girls, I think you’ve got the wrong idea.” I said quickly

“I’m sure we do.” Applejack grabbed the outside of my thigh and started trying to tickle me. I winced at her lack of control, but didn’t give so much as a peep.

Rarity hmmed. “Try the top, darling, I think that was where you had him.”

She did and I still revealed nothing, giving them a smarmy smirk when Twilight took up position on the other side of me. She reached far too close to my privates to be comfortable and nailed my weak spot, finally getting me to laugh and squirm. Applejack joined in and they worked on destroying any sense of masculinity I had as I wriggled around, trying to get free. It hurt to breathe by the time they were finally finished, and Twilight put me back on the ground gently. Laughing so hard had robbed me of my strength, so I leaned against the wall as I sat and recovered.

“Not so funny when you’re receivin’, is it?” Applejack mocked.

“I can see your knickers from here, love.” She cocked her head and looked at Twilight for an answer, turning to Rarity when she just shrugged. The white mare knew what I was talking about.

Rarity took Applejack’s arm and pulled her back. “Max! How crude!”

“Relax, I didn’t see anything, just getting even.” I said.

Applejack looked confused and Rarity just rolled her eyes.

“Oh yeah, apple print is unoriginal, AJ.” She blushed and grabbed the hem of her skirt.

“You said you weren’t lookin’!”

“I wasn’t, I was guessing.” I grinned and closed my eyes, my lungs had finally stopped aching.

“I don’t know if he’s telling the truth, Applejack.” Twilight said. “I think he has a thing for mare’s under garments.”

“Hey! I’m a man, you can hardly blame me, especially since you were so fond of walking around the Treebrary half dressed.”

Applejack giggled and Rarity was aghast. “You shouldn’t be looking regardless! You need more lessons in respecting mares!”

“Show me some skin and I’ll consider it.” I jested.

“Well I never!” She began.

Applejack ruined my joke. “Stop, Rares, he’s just doin’ it to get under your coat.”

Pinkie bounced over. “I don’t know. With some of the rumors I’ve heard around town, he might just be that kind of guy.” She said in a singsong voice.

“Yeah, I’ve heard of those rumors,” I stood up and looked at Applejack. “Tell Macintosh to quit being such a dick.”

“Wait, what do you mean?” She asked.

“He’s been spreading it around that Max is a whorse who’ll rut anything that moves!” Pinkie beamed. “That’s where I got the idea to get some while the getting was good!”

The girls stared at her and I coughed to get their attention. “Yeah, those rumors aren’t true. If you could speak to him about not doing that, I would appreciate it.” I turned to Rarity. “If you could help me do some damage control, that would be lovely. I know you have your hands in the gossip network around town.”

“I’ll stop him from doin’ that anymore. I knew Big Mac didn’t like ya much, but I didn’t think it was that bad.” Applejack offered.

“And I’ll let the populus know that such rumors are untrue. I am truly sorry, Max.” Rarity reached out and touched my arm.

“It’s fine. Do you know why Mac doesn’t like me? I thought it was because we were at odds.”

“From what he tells me, he thinks you’re just another mareizer on the prowl. I don’t know how true that is, but your business is your business.” She explained.

“It’s not true at all. Hell, I’ve only slept with three woman since I’ve been here and I was in a relationship with two of them.”

Rarity looked at me with some disdain. “...I’m certain we don’t want to hear of your exploits.”

“I’m sure you don’t.” I grinned evilly. “Are you more interested in hearing what Twilight tastes like?”

Applejack covered her mouth and Rarity’s jaw hit the floor. My mouth was silenced by magic as Twilight turned into a pony shaped tomato. She smacked the taste out of my mouth.

“SHUT UP!” She cried. Pinkie looked far too interested for me to actually reveal that information, so I held my tongue after Twilight removed her magic.

I rubbed my cheek. “Wasn’t going to say anything anyway, Twi.” Twat.

She still looked like she was on the verge of tears before Pinkie spoke up.

“If I had to say anything, I would guess it’s grapes!” Twilight looked horrified while I choked on my laughter.

“I do not!”

I said nothing and just hugged Twilight with one arm. “Don’t take it to heart, Twilight. It’s easier if you tell yourself it doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter! I don’t want anypony knowing that!”

“I’m not a pony. I wasn’t going to say anything about that, Twilight. I was teasing you.”

“Too far! Don’t do that again!”

Rarity was visibly disturbed. “I must concur.”

Applejack shrugged. “If it makes ya feel any better, I’m pretty sure I taste like apple pie.”

I died and laughed as hard as I had during the tickle attack. Applejack chuckled alongside me and Rarity shook her head.

“I bet Rarity tastes like marshmallow!” I stammered through my laughter. The mare in question glared daggers and swords at me.

“Can we please change the subject?”

“If we can move on to testing our theories, let’s do that!” The three mares gave Pinkie a ‘what the fuck’ look.

“How about we sit down and go check on Rainbow? I think we’ve had enough fun for now.” I said.

Rainbow was actually out cold with Fluttershy right next to her on the couch. I had no idea where Lupa had disappeared to, but I was sure that she was fine. Twilight and Rarity were still blushing up a storm as we switched conversation topics, but I couldn’t help but wonder if Rarity and Applejack did taste like marshmallow and apple pie respectively. I would have to figure that out later, if I ever had the chance.

Shit. Maybe I am a slut?

I pushed those thoughts aside and enjoyed the company of the four mares while we waited for our friends to wake up. Apparently Rarity had a few new clients, Applejack was working extra hard to make up for lost time during her depression, and Twilight was reorganizing the Treebrary for the fourth time this month. I had nothing going on in my life, and Pinkie had rambled on about something inane, so I tuned her out as best I could. I had sobered up a fair bit by the time Fluttershy woke up.

Rainbow was still snoozing away, so I pulled out the second half of my prank that I hadn’t told Fluttershy about. I had bought some fur paint during my shopping trip and wrote the word ‘Derp’ on Rainbow’s head. I was admonished for my actions, but since the paint was there and no one wanted to wake her up, there it would stay. I had the foresight to get the easy to wash stuff, and when I began on her hands, I had an audience. I saved the dickbutt for last, starting instead with water lines just above the second knuckles on her middle and ring fingers on both hands. No one got the joke, but I was sure Rainbow would eventually. I had to do the dickbutt on her face carefully so that it wasn’t obvious from the start. I was scolded by Rarity again, though Applejack and Pinkie just giggled. Rarity tried to wipe it off, but didn’t even managed to smudge it. Rainbow woke up during her ministrations and brushed her off, leaving soon after to bear my art to the world. The rest of the girls followed soon after, thanking me and promising revenge for my little prank.

Lupa returned a few hours later with her bone. I had no idea where she’d been, but it’s not like I could very well ask her what was, so I minded my own business for a bit. I wrapped up the remainder of the brownies that I had forgotten about and decided to see if I could send the special, stronger batch to Celestia and Luna via dragon fire. I jotted down a quick note asking her to respond if she got them and sent half of them off, wrapped individually. The whole pan had made about ten of them in there, so I waited for a response before sending the other half, and when I got the response, I was much more eager to send the rest, save for two that I decided to keep for science reasons. Celestia wanted to talk about the secrets I had sent her and I certainly didn’t want to, so I was hoping my brownies would make her forget about them. A man can dream after all.

Applejack showed back up after dusk, much to my surprise. I invited her in and offered her a cup of tea, but she opened the bag she had brought with her and pulled out two large jugs of hard apple cider. I moved my favorite easy chair and a lounge chair to face each other around my coffee table and gestured for Applejack to take a seat.

“Pick one, and I’ll be right back. Glasses or mugs? I don’t really know the protocol for hard cider.”

She picked at her collar and sat down in my easy chair. Dammit.

“Mulled cider is for mugs, hard cider is tricky. Most of my family just drinks from the jug.”

“Glasses it is.” I picked two tumblers and dropped some ice into them. “No offense to your family, but my people tend to pour alcohol in separate containers if possible. We’re nothing if not classy.”

“I guessed that. For all your swearin’, ya still carry yourself with your chin up and talk like Twilight sometimes.” I placed the glasses on the table and pushed them toward Applejack. She poured with a hand that only comes with practice and slid one back to me, not spilling a drop.

I sipped the cider. Not bad. “So what brings you back? You’re not here to drug me and drag me off, are you?”

“Nah, not quite. I’m here to talk to you about Big Macintosh and somethin’ else depending.”

“Fair enough. Let’s talk.”

“I want you to make peace with him.” I raised a brow. “I know, Max. It ain’t gonna be easy, but it’s my brother we’re talking about. I know you can reason with him, especially with that silver tongue of yours. All I’m askin’ is that you settle the score, bury the hatchet.”

“I can’t bury something the guy wants to throw at me. I’m not a miracle worker, Applejack, I can only do so much. I don’t really see why you want me to make peace with him if I never see him.”

Applejack drained her glass and poured herself two more before she spoke again. She slid the jug over to me and I emptied my own.

“I want ya to be able to come over to the farm and not fight my brother every time you do. I’d like for my friend to be able to fetch me himself if there’s somethin’ he needs me for.”

“I can dodge a pony pretty well. I’m not as fast as you guys, but I’m a good bit more dextrous.”

“Which won’t count for Rainbow’s cookies if ya get cornered.”

“It’ll count for Celestia’s crown if I get cornered. I’ve run into Macintosh twice now, which one time too many for my liking. I know his fighting stance, I know his normal posture, and I know his reaction speed. That means I have a good idea of what I’m working with.”

“...Mac ain’t as fast as me, but you didn’t even have time twitch when I threw a punch.”

“I wasn’t expecting you to hit that hard. I thought if I took a little punishment, that you would cool off and we could actually talk.”

“I’m sorry you were wrong.” Applejack emptied her glass once more.

I finished mine and refilled it before pushing the jug back to her. “I’m sorry you’re so strong. Skip arm day sometime, yeah?”

“No can do. The farm keeps a mare awfully busy.”

We held our glasses and sat for a moment.

“The other thing I wanted to talk about,” Applejack began, “is that there ain’t too many stallions available in Ponyville.”

“I’ve noticed. There don’t seem to be many at all.” I wasn’t too fond of where this was going.

“There aren’t. They only make up a fraction of the population, which is why most mares around here either swing both ways or are straight lesbians. I ain’t either of those.”

“Just say whatever’s on your mind, Applejack. You’re not one to beat around the bush.”

“Fine.” She sighed and swirled her drink around. “I want to court you.”

“Takes some titanium ones to even bring that up. I know we wiped the slate, but the memories are still fresh.”

“I know. I didn’t expect ya to say yes, but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to try.”

“It doesn’t, though it does confuse the hell out of me. Am I seriously your best choice?”

“In a way, yeah you are. It’s just that somethin’ tells me that you’d be good if I wanted a different kinda relationship than the ones I’ve had.”

Interesting. “What kinds have you had that make you want a different one?”

“Traditional ones. Dates that lead to a little more, and stallions that can’t handle me at my best, let alone my worst. I ain’t sayin’ I’m a high maintenance mare; In fact, leave me alone and I’ll be happy. It’s just that…” Applejack paused and sipped her cider.

“Go on.” I rolled my hand forward.

“I don’t know if I should be tellin’ ya this, Max.”

“You’re in my home insinuating that you want to sex my man muffin,” she chuckled and gave me an odd look, “and telling me about your past relationships. I don’t think your sex life is exactly off limits.”

“Fair enough. The stallions I’ve been with can’t keep up. I want to go for hours, but they’re one and done. I’ve heard that guys need a bit of time to recharge, but it feels like the ones I’ve been with don’t want anything after the first round.”

“So why me then? For all you know, I’m just like the rest of them.”

“See, that would be right if I hadn’t talked to Fluttershy about what it was like with ya. She said you gave her more than she could handle and that you finished off the mare you’re with without stoppin’. That’s some stamina right there.”

“...I wasn’t aware that Fluttershy had told anyone about that. At least, not in depth.”

“She’s told most of the girls except Twilight, I think, but that’s because she already knows for the most part.”

“Fluttershy knows better than Twilight by far.”

We sat and sipped. “So what about friends with benefits? We keep emotions out of it.”

“You would either have to meet my lover or I’d have to inform her beforehand. That’s if I even agree to it.”

“What stallion passes up no strings attached fun?”

“The one that almost died.”

Silence. We both drained our glasses after that little mood killer. Instead of pouring another glass, Applejack took a few swigs straight from the bottle and slid it over. I did the same.

“What’s the proof of this stuff? Doesn’t seem to high.”

“It’ll sneak up on ya, trust me. You should be okay if we don’t empty the next one.”

“Good, I like to walk after a drink or two and not falling while doing it makes it easier. Want some water to stave off a hangover? Just in case?” She nodded her assent and I came back with two large mugs full of Adam’s Ale. We had gone through about three quarters of of the first jug, and if we kept going at the rate we were, it would be empty awfully soon.

“Say, how about we take that walk now? I could use a stretch.” Applejack suggested.

“Sounds good to me. Let me get Lupa some dinner real quick.” The wolf had heard her name from my room and poked her head out. I waved her forward and she came over, looking for some affection from me. I patted her head and rubbed her behind the ears the way she liked and she looked over to Applejack and snarled.

“She’s hear as a friend, Lu. Play nice.” She gave me the wolf equivalent of ‘bitch please’ and sautered over to Applejack and stared. I rolled my eyes and started pan frying some fish as Applejack fidgeted in her seat.

A few minutes later, I had some bread and meat on a platter and set it on the coffee table. Before Lupa could eat, I took her massive head in my hand and touched my nose to hers, earning me a lick.

“I meant what I said, Lupa. I’ve settled things with Applejack, so you need to let go. Unless you can see that she is clearly about to hurt me, I want you to chill out. Okay?”

She licked her chops and nodded slowly.

“Thank you.”

“...Did you just talk to your wolf?”

“She isn’t mine and I’m willing to bet you’ve never met a quadruped smarter than Lupa. That’s why she doesn’t like you. She knows you were the one that landed me in the hospital.”

“She was there, I remember. If she’s so loyal now, why didn’t she tear me apart then?”

“She was pretty pissed that I had yelled at Fluttershy. I’ve earned her loyalty since then, so now I can argue with Fluttershy and she won’t eat me.” Lupa nipped my ass and I yelped, swatting her on the side.

“Bad canine!”

“Good dog, Lupa.” Applejack chuckle. Lupa and I both glared at her.

“She’s a wolf, AJ.”

“She ain’t made of wood, though.”

“Not all wolves are literal timber wolves, and in my experience, most have fur. In fact, wolves are the ancestors of dogs, which, in my mind, makes them superior. They’re smarter since they haven’t been purebred, healthier because of the same reason, and they smell better. I haven’t even had to use soap on Lupa!”

“...Riiight. I know not havin’ to wash her is a plus. Winona starts to get that doggy smell to her after a few days and tryin’ to wash a dog doesn’t go well too often.”

“Exactly. We going on our walk or not?”

“Can we leave Lupa behind?”

I looked at her and then at Lupa who was already trotting back to my bedroom.

“Let’s go.”
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

We walked around town for a bit and I took in the brisk night air. Luckily, I had brought a jacket with me, but poor Applejack only had her short sleeve flannel shirt. I thought her fur would make up for the difference, but it clearly didn’t. I, being a gentleman at heart, draped my jacket across her shoulders.

“Ya didn’t have to do that, Max. I ain’t no fragile lily-pickin’ mare.”

“I know, but England is colder than this most of the year. I’m no stranger to a little chilly weather.”

Applejack blushed. “Well thank you. You’re making progress in bein’ a better ‘man’, if this is anything to go by.”

I shrugged as we passed Twilight’s place. “I would’ve done it before I made my mind up anyways. No problem with being nice sometimes, I’m just trying to be nice more often.”

“You’re not doin’ a bad job of it then.”

We walked in companionable silence for half the circuit around Ponyville.

Applejack asked a question. “So you’re really not thinkin’ of goin’ out with Fluttershy?”

“I’ll admit, I gave it some thought earlier, but it’s too late to change my mind. I don’t want to play with Fluttershy’s heart, telling her I don’t want her one moment, then telling her I do the next.”

“You don’t seem like a guy who changes his mind often. What made you want her?”

“She eased up around me when we were baking. No stuttering, no barely audible whispers. Her smile seemed a lot less forced and being around her felt more natural, like that was how it was really supposed to be. I guess I should’ve waited to see that before turning her away.”

“Ever think that it only happened because you turned her down? I know you two have mostly been arguin’, but she told me that you made her see what she really wanted from you. If that didn’t happen, I don’t think she would ever have been so comfortable around you, so don’t feel bad about it. Accept it for what it is, Max. Who knows? Maybe she’ll come after you again with a different frame of mind.”

“The thought crossed my mind and I can hope. How the hell do we go from talking about making peace with your brother, to hooking up, to my and Fluttershy’s relationship?”

“I dunno. I guess I just bring out the honesty in ponies.” She grinned.

I thought about that for a moment. “What makes you say that?”

“Always have, and being the Element of Honesty doesn’t hurt. I guess that’s why I got so mad that you were lyin’. It goes against every fiber of my bein’ to tell a lie.”

“You’ve got some strong morals, I’ll give you that.” We started towards the Whitetail Woods, back in the direction we'd come from.

“You know, if you’re supposed to be the embodiment of honesty, why didn’t you turn yourself over to the authorities? I’m not saying you should have, just asking why.”

“Ya know, I actually tried that. Apparently the cops around Ponyville were under orders from up high not to take me in.”

That answered some questions. There were more questions that I was going to have to talk to Celestia about. I thought it was fishy that Applejack had seen no punishment, but I had already accepted that I was the lowest man on the totem pole when I figured that out. I was going to change that.

“You okay, Max? I know I shoulda been tried for somethin’ or other, but it won’t do ya any good to dwell on it now. You told me that yourself.

“I know, I wasn’t dwelling on it, just thinking of a few questions for a certain someone.”

“Who might that 'someone’ be?”

“Best not to tell you. It could ruin her image for you.”

“Now you’ve got me really curious! I doubt it’ll do me much good to nag at you, though.”

“I thought ‘nag’ was supposed to be a slur?”

“It is, except for when ponies use it to describe themselves

“That’s pretty fucking stupid. Why not just make it a mean thing to say period? If it’s offensive when a nonpony says it, it should be just as offensive regardless. Makes no sense to me.”

“It’s just something that most ponies don’t like. Some of us don’t even say it period, while some of us call each other nags for fun. I don’t really care who says it; it’s just a word.”

“That’s rather wise of you. Take no offense when you don’t have to.”

“Most ponies don’t see things that way. 'Nag' is still something to get your mouth washed out over.”

“So what makes you use such foul language around me?” I lifted a hand to my forehead. “Oh my heavens, I don’t know if I can bear it!” I leaned backwards and Applejack rolled her eyes at my antics.

“If ya hadn’t said things far worse than that, I would cull it a bit. I guess I’m just getting comfy around you. Don’t feel like I have to hold anything back.”

“Feel free to speak your mind around me. Just make sure to learn if you really do taste like apple pie sometime.”

“Well I offered to let you find out but somepony doesn’t want free tail.”

“I don’t think I ever said no, per se, just that it was odd that you’d choose me.”

“It is, but you’re a fella with some discretion. If we ever started anything, I know that you wouldn’t just throw it out there because you felt like it if I asked you not to.”

“Damn straight. People’s business should be their own, though I would ask if we could tell our friends. Problems start when I try to keep things hidden from them.”

“Of course we’d tell ‘em. I just don’t think Rainbow would be happy that you bedded two mares she’s had her eyes on for a couple years now.”

“So Rainbow wants Fluttershy and you? I thought I saw envy when I told you girls that Fluttershy and I had a sleepover.”

“You saw right. Rainbow’s told me in no small words how much she’d give to have a night with Fluttershy. I gotta ask somethin’, though, Max.”

"Shoot."

“What does she taste like? And Twilight too if you don’t think she would mind.”

“I think she would mind quite a bit. I don’t think either of them would appreciate it if I told you.”

Applejack was acting a bit strangely. “I think Twilight would understand my curiosity, at least.”

“She might, but she made it pretty clear she wants me to keep that information to myself. I’d tell you if I thought she wouldn’t cry about it. Literally, not metaphorically.”

“I’m glad you respect her enough to keep quiet then. That, and you just proved what I said about being discreet. You sure I can’t persuade ya to some sort of agreement?”

“No, but like I’d some time to think on it anyway. I don’t want to jump into something that might get me killed without at least thinking about it first.”

Applejack looked hurt. “I thought we were gonna start from scratch?”

“We are. I’m talking about your brother.”

She breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank Celestia. Trust me, I’ll handle him if I need to. Mac might be stronger than me, but I’m a lot meaner.”

“...I can see that.” We walked on for a bit, through the Whitetail woods. There were a few magic lanterns that lit the way as we walked and I couldn’t help but find it a bit romantic.

As we slowed down and took our time, I began to think about a relationship with Applejack, and found myself not terribly opposed to it. Maybe it was the crushing depression talking, but the only thing I could really feel for the mare at the moment was respect. If what she had felt was anything like what the first day of life without Velvet felt like, I could understand why she was so hungry for my forgiveness. I had wanted Velvet’s in the beginning like nothing else in the world, but I came to the realization that I would never really deserve it. Applejack had come to that conclusion herself, but our trespasses were vastly different, and she'd felt her soul puncture in a different way. I knew now that what she had lived through was painful like precious little else, and she had done it without turning to self harm like I had. Applejack was stronger than I when it came to her morals, and it showed through her actions, like how she had tested my own morals to make sure that I was a respectable fellow. It wasn’t terribly sneaky of her since I had figured it out rather easily, so I couldn’t fault her for it, though I did wonder if her offer would have stood had I failed.

Speaking of her offer, the more I thought about it, the more attractive it seemed. Add in a few conditions about breaking it off should feelings ever come into play, and it would be a perfect match, not unlike what I had with Celestia, just without the romance. I pondered if meaningless sex with Applejack would serve to piss Pinkie off, but I really just didn’t want to sleep with someone who was basically a child. It rather grossed me out, and her timing when she asked was simply terrible. My heart ache was still there, mind you, but it had numbed considerably and instead of actively hurting, it only throbbed when I thought about Velvet. Speaking of whom, I saw a lot of Velvet in Applejack when it came to their demeanor and willingness to help a friend. I almost disregarded Applejack entirely when I thought of that. It hurt. Even their accents were similar, though their personal style choices were very different. Where Velvet had been simple due to her strict life as a guard, Applejack's simplicity was organic and free. Velvet was adventurous in a geographical and sexual sense, while I didn’t doubt that cowgirl was Applejack’s preferred method.

The more I compared them to each other, the more I realized that they were practically two sides of the same coin, tempered by their experiences in life and other personal preferences. It was enough to scare me. My relationship with Velvet was supposed to be no strings attached sex, but it turned into something more, and I feared that it would be the same with Applejack. I smacked my face with both hands and startled Applejack, though when she looked upon my handsome, contemplative expression, she remained silent. I couldn’t expect Applejack to be Velvet, nor would I try to make her into a replacement; it wouldn’t be fair or just to any party involved. If I was to be with Applejack, it would be because of the mare herself, so I started listing pros and cons as I often do.

The pros were that Applejack was fiercely loyal and would take up arms for her friends in a moment. She was honest and a legendarily terrible liar, so I had no need to worry on that front. She was worldwise yet compassionate, not jaded like myself, and she seemed like she could keep herself in check most of the time. The cons were that the woman had almost killed me for yelling at her friends, but that seemed like an occurance that happened years ago now. She was brutally honest sometimes, but I saw no real flaw in that, and she was a rowdy girl like one of my exes in the sack which made me both curious and cautious. The pros seemed to outweigh the cons if you considered that we had bid goodbye to that one event, and I couldn’t think of any real reason not to be with her besides her brother.

I broke out of my reverie. “So if I don’t manage to dissuade Macintosh from killing me, would you still consider the friends with benefits thing?”

“I told you I would handle him anyway, didn't I? You won’t come to no harm from him if he wants to keep his tender bits.”

“In that case, I think we could give it a shot, on the condition that we break things off if we either of us can’t keep feelings out of it.”

“I can accept that.”

“And if either of us just wants to stop.”

“What? No meaningless sex if we don’t both consent?” Applejack rolled her eyes as if it had been obvious. “Well don’t that just take all the fun out of it.”

“I don’t find it that funny. I’ve been stalked and raped before, though they don’t have anything to do with each other. Still regrettable events.”

Applejack stopped dead in her tracks. “That ain’t somethin’ to joke about, Max.”

I gave her a look. “Do I sound like I’m joking?”

“Why wasn’t that a part of what you told me and the girls? That’s a terrifyin’ experience!”

“I know, I lived through it on a few occasions.” My stomach churned as I remembered the Chief’s efforts. “I don’t want to talk about that. Not now, probably not ever.”

“...You know I’ll always listen whenever you wanna talk. I can’t make ya, but I can be there for ya when you do. It can’t be easy carryin’ that on your shoulders.”

“It’s easier when I don’t think about it. I’m just happy I got revenge for one of them. I told you that I got molested when my mother was sick, right?”

“Yeah, when you moved into the drug den.”

“Yup. So the bitch that raped me was some old base head. Held me down and fed me something that wouldn’t let me get it down and she rode to town. Well, when I got older, I turned and found her passed out in some hell house I was casing for a kingpin, so I broke her hands with a mallet. I heard later on that she ended up killing herself because she couldn’t get a fix.” I laughed heartlessly. Telling that story always made me happy in a grim way. I had no mercy for rapists of any kind, hence my hatred of Kobolds. Filthy fucking creatures.

Applejack nodded solemnly. “She deserved it, though I don’t think most ponies deserves to die. Rape ain’t somethin’ I can be patient with.”

“Neither can I, hence the mallet. Her killing herself was just a little plus. I guess some people just can’t handle drying out.”

“That means somethin’ different in Manehatten where Manganese Salt is popular. I’m pretty sure it means the exact opposite of what you just said.”

“I’m sure it does. Let’s change topics before things get any more grim.”

“Sure. What do ya think of my outfit?” Applejack stretched her arms out and spun.

“Didn’t take you for the vain type, but you do look awfully cute, in a sickeningly American way. I rather like it.”

“Thank ya kindly, I ain’t much for vanity, but it was the first thing I could think of. What’s an American?”

“A person from a country that my people once ruled. They’re not too bad unless you meet one of the ones that have never been outside of their own country. Then they think it’s the best thing since color telly.’”

“I don’t know what that is either. Ya keep talkin’ about things from your country that make no sense.”

“Once I get all the girls together, I’ll take some questions. I hate explaining things multiple times; it’s tedious as fuck.”

“I guess I can be patient. Don’t suppose I’m getting any tonight either?”

“Good lord, woman! The females around here want dick worse than men want some tang!”

Applejack spread her hands. “Of course! There’s not much to go around, and what little there is gets cuffed too quick! There might be a lot of open relationships, but not every mare wants to share her prize.”

“I understand that better than any pony. Where I come from, most relationships are monogamous.”

“That’s kinda strange. I’m guessin’ there’s more of each gender to go around?”

“About half of each. It’s not terrible, now that I live in a place where the ratio is skewed. I miss seeing more male faces around, even if I wanted to punch a good number of them.”

“I can’t imagine. Most places it’s one way or the other since mare pheromones can be overpowering if multiple estruses sync up. I’ve seen stallions from out of town turn into little more than animals just from walking by a particularly bad mare.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty mind numbing, though I still don’t understand how Fluttershy’s affected me. I’m not even a pony!”

“Yeah, I don’t get it either, but at least you got some.”

“ ‘Getting some’ cost me a relationship that made me happy. Don’t tell Fluttershy, but I think that may have been the second or third biggest mistake I’ve made while I’ve been here.”

“...That’s rough. I won’t say nothin’ if she doesn’t ask, but you know how I am.”

“I wouldn’t expect you to lie.”

We started walking back to my place at a gentle pace. I didn’t feel the need to say anything, but Applejack had been good company. I owed her a compliment or two.

“If you don’t mind a compliment or two, I’d like to give them to you.”

“As long as they’re not about my chest or rear, I can’t say nothin’.” I looked at both briefly. Her chest was quite nice, though not as large as Fluttershy’s, still at least a C-Cup. I then looked to her generous hips and pleasantly toned posterior and raised my brows.

Applejack was giving me a droll stare. “Oi! If you hadn’t said anything, I wouldn’t have looked!” She rolled her eyes. “I was just going to say that you’re good company when you’re not wiping the floor with me. That, and your legs are fucking lovely. In fact, I don’t think I’ve seen nicer thighs on a woman in my entire life.”

She blushed adorably. “Thanks, but I’m sure ya have. It’s just the skirt that makes ya say so. And I try to be good company. You’re a pretty pleasant fella to talk to.”

“Trust me, if I had, I wouldn’t have said yours were the nicest. Your legs are so well toned, I’m pretty sure I could bounce a bit off of them and catch it dented! I like muscle in a woman, shows that they aren’t delicate and well toned women don’t usually expect to be pampered.”

“I don’t expect much from nopony, just the same respect and honesty I give to them.” She had ignored my compliment, but I could see from her rosy complexion that it was still on her mind.

“You know, with legs as nice as yours, you should wear skirts more often. Showing off a little wouldn’t hurt, especially with a figure like yours.”

“Flattery won’t get ya far with me, Max, but thank ya again. Mares like me don’t get admired too often.”

“That’s because you don’t show off.” I wrapped an arm around her side and pulled her close. Applejack started to pull away, but she soften as I pulled her chin towards mine and gave her a pleasant little kiss. Her lips were soft enough, but she herself was firm in all the right ways. When I finally let her go, her eyes were still closed and she was leaning in.

“Earth to Applejack; we’re here.” I gestured to my back porch.

“Dear Celestia, if you ever do that again, you better be ready to back it up, buddy.” Her face was flush and she looked ready for action.

“Maybe next time, for now you’re going to have to put up with a bit of teasing.”

“Don’t tell me you’re one of those.”

“Only when it comes to revenge. Teasing is fun platonically, but it’s just cruel when it comes to more intimate matters.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. We still have an awful lot of cider left.”

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re trying to get me drunk for a little romp in the hay.”

“No, I wouldn’t take advantage of ya unless I had permission beforehoof. It’d be wrong to trust a drunk pony’s judgement.”

“Man, I wish more people from my world thought like we do. It’d save quite a few awkward mornings.”

“You’re tellin’ me. I’ve got a story for ya if you can keep it quiet.” Applejack grinned.

“No one will hear anything from me.”

“That also mean no writin’ it down and levin’ it somewhere.”

I rolled my eyes. “In no way, shape, or form of communication, will I, Maximus, expose any secrets that you, Applejack, trust unto me at any time. Happy now?”

“You sound like a lawyer. Save your fancy talk for Rarity, loverboy.” She stepped closer and whispered in my ear. “Big Mac woke up with one of our cousins after a long night.”

I said nothing because I was too busy trying not to laugh. “The worst part is that it was a stallion.”

“You’ve gotta be fucking with me!”

“Eventually, but not right now. He made me promise to never tell another pony, but last time I checked,” She looked me up and down, “You ain’t a pony.”

I couldn’t hold back and let out a mirthless chuckle that didn’t do the amusement I felt much justice.

We walked the last few meters to my porch and went inside. I grabbed the cider and glasses from the table and Applejack pointed to head back outside. I grabbed a few spare blankets and we settled in on my padded porch swing for a little bit. I couldn't help but be curious, so I asked my question.

“So is that why none of the girls have approached Macintosh? He's a confirmed bachelor?”

“Oh no, nothin' like that. Pinkie tried, but I threatened to throttle her. After that, they left him alone. Come to think of it, he only really talks to me, you, and a couple of the mares he keeps around, now that I think about it.”

“If by talking you mean threatening, then yeah, he talks to me.”

“Be that as it may, I think we’re the only two that can get more than two words out of him at a time. Even the mare he’s sweet on, Ms. Cheerilee, doesn’t get much out of him.”

“I think it’s because I piss him off. You sure he doesn’t hate me because you secretly want to intercourse on me?”

“Ya know, he asked about that and I told him to mind his own darn business. That might be why he’s callin’ you a whorse, now that I think about it.”

“Sounds like we should talk to him together then. When is good for you?”

“Tomorrow, actually. How long are you staying in Ponyville? I don’t remember if you said you were sticking around for good.”

“Tomorrows fine for me to, nothing else to do. I think I’ll stay in Ponyville a bit longer than I originally planned. I don’t think I want to head back to Canterlot quite yet.”

“Oh, so you have a place there?”

“Not yet, but I have enough to buy one if I felt like it.” I swung the swing a little and let my blanket stay draped across my shoulders. Applejack poured us some cider and scooted a bit closer. I didn’t comment on it as we swung gently, though I did open my blanket enough to encompass her and her own.

“Must be nice to have the bits to spare. I know I complain about money a lot, but it’s more like we just don’t have the time to fix anything unless we have family over. I mean, we have one of the largest farms in the family, we just don’t have the pony power to do as much as we need to when it needs to be done.”

“If you or Macintosh take a break to get some things fixed, it means you’re not getting the field work done, and once you get the field work finished for the season, you only have so long to fix it in the fall.”

“Exactly. A few more bits and we wouldn’t have to spend as much on those vultures at the end of the season who slap together whatever they fix. If we could get the right ponies to work the fields, we could do it ourselves or hire somepony else before harvest.”

“What eats up most of your money? I can’t imagine taxes are that high.”

“They’re not, it’s just that most of the stuff you can make with apples goes bad before ya can sell all of it. That, and the animals we got need to be fed, and their pens cleaned.”

“What about jam, jelly and syrup? Preserved apples last longer, and dried apples can be rehydrated later. And why the hell do you keep animals?”

Applejack facepalmed. “I shoulda thought of that! My parents used to have so much time on their hands when they made jams and stuff, but they never passed down the recipe! I’m sure Granny Smith has it somewhere, and from what I remember, it sold pretty well. The dried apples could work too, just leave ‘em in some hot water a while and you can bake with ‘em just the same!”

“And what about your animals? Why do you keep them?”

Applejack looked confused. “Why wouldn’t we? It’s a tradition to keep animals on the farm.”

“...But you don’t eat them, and the only things you can do with them is show them off at fairs and pay to feed them.”

“Why would we eat them?”

I pulled back my lip and showed her my canines, and her eyes widened in shock. “They’re delicious. Ponies may not eat meat, but quite a few other races like Dragons and Gryphons do.”

“I ain’t never seen Spike go after one of my livestock!”

“That’s because he’s been raised to think like a pony. Most dragons eat meat, and save their jewels for special occasions if Twilight’s bestiaries are anything to go by”

“...That’s unsettlin’. I don’t know if I want Applebloom around him anymore.”

“That’s racist as fuck. Like I said, Spike thinks likes a pony. He’s not going to hurt your sister unless she pushes him to do it, and if someone could push Spike of all people to violence, I’d say they deserve the consequences.”

“You callin’ out my sister?” Applejack frowned, gripping her glass tightly.

“I can’t say much about her, Applejack. I don’t think I’ve ever met her.”

Her grip loosened. “I was wonderin’ where you were goin’ with that.”

“Trust me, Applebottom, I don’t make it a habit to pick on kids.”

“What did you just say?” She shook her head. “What about when you called Spike ugly?”

“I said he was ugly for a pony! He doesn’t even have fur!” I poked her leg and jerked it back. “Like suede over steel.” I stage whispered.

“Stop it!” She chuckled. “I wish I was more like Fluttershy or Rarity sometimes.”

“What? Squishy and…” I searched for a polite way to say it. “...Delicate?”

“Yeah, I guess. I’m happy with what I got, don’t get me wrong, but I wouldn’t mind bein’ a little softer.”

“You’re squishy in all the right places, love. You can get ‘softer’ in time, but for now, toned and terrific is how you are, and I'm rather fond of that.”

“You know you could probably be quite the charmer if you actually thought about what you said.”

“I’m not trying to be charming. I’m just saying what’s on my mind and finding a way to put it that’s not offensive.”

“How would tellin’ me that I have a nice figure be offensive?”

“Well, I was going to say that you’re in such good shape, I’m scared to go down on you because you could squash my head like a grape. It’d be worth it for some sweet apple pie, but I like my head how it is.”

Applejack laughed. “Glad you didn’t put it that way, or I might start gettin’ a complex about my legs.”

“Believe me, they’re nothing to embarrassed about.” I laid my hand just below her knee and stroked the soft, short fur with my thumb.

The ponies barely classified as being furry, seeing as how it was barely a few millimeters long. The follicles were fine, but dense and they were quite sleek. If it weren’t for their colouration, ears, tails, and hooves, they would pass for humans with ease. I suppose that helped with finding them attractive, especially with attractive mares like Applejack, Fluttershy and Celestia.

She looked down to my hand and drew a little spiral on it, looping back around and down again and again.

“You don’t find them gross?” She whispered.

“Why would I?”

“Some stallions don’t like mares with too much muscle…”

“Those stallions lack self confidence. A woman with muscle is hard working and dedicated, someone who’s been tempered for the worst, but still looks great for the best.”

“You could have said that better, but I think I understand.” She took my hand and started stroking her thigh with it, stopping a few centimeters below her skirt. “I like that better.”

I continued after she let go and scooted a bit closer. There had been a little space between us but now there were only a few precious centimeters.

“I wasn’t expecting your fur to be so soft. It’s pleasant.”

“I wasn’t expecting my legs to be so cold!” We both laughed at that and I draped my blanket over them.

“Max, I know you’ve gotta be cold. You don’t gotta pamper me, I ain’t some fragile flower.”

“Call it the instincts of a half-assed gentleman. If you’re cold, we can go inside.”

“I’m fine now, but if you're cold we can go inside. I won’t think any less of ya.” Right

I rolled my eyes and grabbed her side, causing her to jump hard.

“Hey!”

“Hay is for Ponies.” Applejack reached for the inside of my thigh and missed. Kinda. She blushed when she realized what she held in her hand and drew it back to her chest.

“Sorry! I didn’t mean to do that.”

“Sure you didn’t.” I laid my hands in my lap and continued to rock us gently.

“...You know, my legs aren’t that cold now. I wouldn’t mind if ya kept doin’ what you were.”

“They’ll be cold in a moment, trust me. The breeze is about to pick up in a minute or two.”

Applejack followed my eyes to the treetops. “You’re right.” She sighed.

I mock sighed and stood. “I’m cold, let’s take this inside.” I grabbed my glass and drained it quickly before offering Applejack my hand.

She took it needlessly and drained her own glass. We took the blankets inside and sat on the couch as closely as we had been outside. I didn’t need another hint to know that she wanted me to continue caressing her. I think she liked it more, but I enjoyed it plenty as it was. Her fur was softer than Lupa’s and she could talk so that was cool.

“I’ve never had a stallion do that and not want to go a little higher before.” She idly commented.

“Good thing I’m not technically a stallion. You might’ve been in trouble otherwise.”

She grabbed my hand once again and held it, drawing a square this time.

“I ain’t complainin’. What’s it like? Not havin’ fur?”

“Well, I’m a lot less friendly to people randomly touching me.” She stopped and looked at me. “Not like this. I can see you while you’re doing that.” Applejack continued. ”I’ve just noticed that ponies are fond of surprise hugs and various other forms of affection that I’m not necessarily comfortable with.”

“Yeah, ponies tend to be on the huggy side. Don’t nopony mean no harm, of course.”

“Of course, I’m just unused to it. Makes my skin crawl when I think about someone trying to surprise me. I don’t think it’s a good idea to spook an armed and paranoid man.”

“I suppose with what you’ve been through it’d be hard not to be jumpy. You always seem calm whenever I see you, though.”

“You learn to choke down any social anxiety after a bit and focus on what you can do, rather than the things you can’t control.” I took my hand from her and decided to try something. My hand went up to her head and I stole her hat from her for a moment, taking one of her ears in my hand. I rubbed it softly, marveling at how fine the fluff was.

Applejack gave me as strange look when I started, but then her eyes closed and she leaned her head against me, sighing her content. I took that as permission to continue with my shenanigans and kept going until I realized that she was asleep. Gently, I extricated myself and laid her down on my couch, fetching our blankets from earlier to lay on her. I figured that she'd want to keep her hat nearby since I rarely saw her without it, so I put it on her chest. As she peacefully snoozed, I began turning off lights before I heard three savage poundings on my door. Applejack started and fell off the couch clutching her Stetson while I drew my dirk and the Warbling Blade.

“What the hay-” Applejack

“Shh!” I held a finger to my lips in the low light.

I paused and waited to see if my rude visitor was going to knock again and crept toward the door. I wondered if I should flip the porch light on to see who it was, but I realized I was overreacting and that it was probably just someone come to yell at me for something or other. I sheathed my dirk but kept the Warbling Blade in hand as I smoothly slid the door open. A big red meathook nearly met my face, but I had been assuming the worst, despite my self assurance. From the look of him, Macintosh was pissed like no other and I had the vaguest feeling he was looking for the woman currently on my floor. I stealthily swapped the knife between my hands and opened the door a bit wider.

“Can I help you, mate?” I asked politely.

“Where is she?” He sharply responded.

I pointed over to Applejack who was still half covered in blankets on the floor. She waved sheepishly and collected herself, throwing the blankets on the couch.

She replaced her Stetson. “So… When did I fall asleep?”

“A few minutes ago. You looked so peaceful, I didn’t want to ruin it.”

“Mighty kind of ya.” Applejack tilted her hat in my direction, a little blush on her cheeks.

Macintosh audibly ground his teeth. “You touch her and I’ll break you.”

“You threaten me and I’ll kill you.” I said sincerely.

“Max!” Applejack exclaimed, her eyes wide.

“Shit, never mind. Forget I said that. Pretend I said ‘let’s talk like adults’ or something.”

“I really don’t wanna talk with you.”

“Big Mac! You told me once that if a pony offers you an olive branch in good faith, that I should take it. Practice what you preach.” Applejack scolded.

“I don’t wanna hear nothin’ from you right now! Did you forget what this fool put you through?”

“Did you forget what she put me through? You need to stop being such a victim, mate, it makes you sound like a little pussified wanker.”

“I know you could have said that another way,” Applejack levelled a glare at me, “but he’s kinda right. I hurt him worse than whatever he put me through. Hay, you really can’t even say he put me through anythin’ because it was my actions that caused it!” Macintosh fumed, his massive chest heaving.

“He hit Rainbow, put you through Tartarus, and you want me to forgive him?”

I scoffed. “Yeah, that’s the whole point. Rainbow forgave me for knocking her out, and I forgave our apple flavoured friend here for damn near killing me. At least two of the three parties involved are happier for it. What’s holding you back?”

“I don’t forgive nopony who hurts my family.”

“He didn’t hurt nopony!”

“Yes, he did. He turned ya into some kinda zombie!”

Applejack and I shared a look, both of us shaking our heads. I was mildly annoyed by the red fucker’s thick headedness and ran some ideas through my head about how to handle the situation. I kept coming back to the same conclusions. Either I had to wait this out and talk to him when he was calm, which seemed to never happen while I was around. Or, I could take him out back and fuck his cherry colored arse with a sharp object. I leaned towards the latter, but I knew Applejack would come after me for that, so I opted for a less murderous version.

“You know what? Why don’t we just fight it out after we have some brownies?”

Applejack looked like I had slapped her.

“Skip the brownies and I’m happy.” Macintosh gave me an evil smirk.

“No, no. No, no, no. No” Applejack repeated.

“Applejack is right. We either have a few brownies, or we don’t fight. I’ll never let it be said that I didn’t feed a man before handing his arse off to him on a platter

“Fine. Bring ‘em here so we can get it over with.”

“Will do, partner.” I said in a terrible southern accent. The siblings both glared at me as I walked away.

Normally, I’d never fight that massive bastard, but if I could get him stoned, I’d say that would put us on about equal footing. I was about to retrieve the brownies from the batch I had given the girls earlier, but something struck me once I had them in my hands: I had two of the batch I made for Celestia. Two from the smaller batch that I had added twice as much budder to. This just got easier.

I found the two I had wrapped individually and placed them on a separate plate, keeping the weaker ones for myself. I returned to the living room choking on a smile and handed Big Mac’s plate to him. The poor fellow inhaled both simultaneously, barely even stopping to chew. I had mine at a much more reasonable pace, chewing slowly.

“These brownies are pretty good, right? Do you want a couple, AJ? I should’ve asked before I came back out.” Applejack just stared at me. I winked and gave her a subtle thumbs up. “No problem, must be watching your sugar. I can understand that. Not everyone can live off of junk food like Pinkie, especially with as much as she eats. I really do wonder how that girl gets along with as many cavities as she must have.”

Understanding blinked on to Applejack’s face for a moment. “...I guess Pinkie just has one heck of a sweet tooth. There isn’t much she won’t eat if it has sugar in it.”

“Really now? We’ll have to get with Twilight so we can conduct an experiment some time. I’m sure between your skills, my ingenuity, and her organizational prowess, we could find something edible but sweet that Pinkie won’t eat.”

“Are we gonna fight or what?” Macintosh asked, his voice a little distorted. My guess had been correct; His metabolism was high enough to get the process going. Now I just had to stall a little longer so I wouldn’t have to on the field. That or I could try and talk to him now.

“How about we just have that talk, yeah? We both know you’d go to prison for murder if you landed a solid punch on me, and I’m none too fond of dying.”

Macintosh rubbed his eyes. “No, we said we were gonna fight… Right?”

“That was before you cooled off a bit, big bro.” Applejack said sweetly. She was giving him a heart-wrenchingly adorable look that I doubted many people over the age of eight could pull.

“Y-Yeah. We can talk. Fightin’ never solved nothin’ noways.” Macintosh slurred. The red fellow wobbled over to my recliner and I wondered how long he would be consious.

“Hey, why don’t we talk over a nice glass of hard cider? Your sister brought some over so we could talk, only seems right that we do the same seeing as how it feels like a tradition of sorts for you two.”

Applejack smiled. “It is: Whenever two Apple Family adults gotta talk, we say it over some hard cider.”

“Then let me get some more glasses, I’ll be right back.” I fetched a few tumblers from my glassware cabinet and placed all three in front of Applejack who poured masterfully, not spilling a drop. After doling out the sweet cider, she stole my easy chair again and I took up the lounge chair. We both looked at Macintosh who seemed to be having trouble staying upright.

“So, Mac. Why do you hate me so much? I’ve never done anything to you personally, besides that time with Lupa.”

“Y’know little guy? I don’t really hate ya,” He garbled, “I just don’ like the competition. Used to bein’ the only available stallion in town, and here comes along this one who my sister don’t like. I think you two been doin’ stuff behind the scenes.” He pointed two fingers at myself and Applejack.

“Is that why you’ve been calling me a slut around town?” I asked.

“...Is that why I can’t seem to keep a stallion very long?” Applejack inquired.

“I’m jus’ tryin’ to protect you, sis.”

Applejack’s face set into a scowl. “I appreciate your concern, but I’m a grown mare now, Big Mac. I don’t need ya to look over my shoulder at everything I do anymore! I mean, I work half the farm just like you, help manage business, and even Granny Smith says I’m mature for my age and you know how little she compliments anypony!”

His lower lip trembled and a pair of tears fell from his eyes. “I know all that, Applejack, but you’re my little sister! I don’t want ya to get hurt and I hate seein’ ya unhappy. I don’ wanna be stuck standin’ around while you make the same mistakes I did.”

Applejack rose and pulled the sappy stoned stallion out of his seat for a hug. “I know, big bro. I know it’s hard to watch somepony you love mess up again and again, but we had this same talk about Applebloom and how we were gonna let her make her own mistakes. You gotta let me be my own mare, Mac.”

Macintosh said nothing and just hugged her for a few more minutes. I suppose the display should have been rather sweet, but I'd already had a sneaking suspicion that his hatred of me didn’t have much to do with myself. Elder siblings usually have trouble breaking away from that protective mindset from what I knew, and I think drugging him to high hell just removed the inhibitions he had about doing it. I was feeling meh about the whole ordeal; I still didn’t know whether or his revelation would stick, or how he would take learning that I was probably going to nail his sister like a stubborn piece of hardwood.

“So are we okay now, Macintosh? I don’t want to fight with you for something I didn’t really do yet.” I added the last part in a low murmur.

He stood up somewhat straight and rubbed his eye with his massive mitt. “As long as ya don’t break her heart or hurt her, we’ll be okay. I just don’t want her to be a notch on your belt.”

Applejack looked pretty uncomfortable with that, so I spoke up. “As she said, she’s her own woman who can make her own mistakes. I won’t actively go after her, but if she comes to me, I know we’d both appreciate it if you respect that.”

Macintosh looked like I had just recited the first seventy digits of Pi. “Why would she go and do that? There’s other stallions in town.”

“No, there’s really not. I mean, we’ve been here our entire lives. How many male friends do ya have?” Applejack asked.

Macintosh’s eyes glazed over and he counted on his fingers. He got to seven after five minutes and gave up. “I guess there ain’t that many.”

“And a lot of those stallions you call friends have mares that are really possessive, like Mr. and Mrs. Cake, or Onyx Lock and Blueberry Tart. I can’t exactly ask one of them to help me whenever that time rolls around, but Max here has an open relationship with his fillyfriend, so…”

The cogs in his mind worked slowly until anger etched its way onto his countenance. “I knew y’all were up to somethin’! Why didn’t ya tell me!?”

“Hey now! I approached him, and we still haven’t done nothin’, we’re just laying down some ground rules about it!”

“That’s pretty much it. No inappropriate contact, just some mild flirting and some ‘getting to know you’ type stuff. You should have more faith in your sister, mate, she’s a wise woman.”

Macintosh turned and fell over the recliner as he tried to walk away. He picked himself up and looked back with a blush on his face, stumbling towards the door before Applejack caught his arm.

“I ain’t askin’ for your approval! You should know I was gonna tell you, I just couldn’t because we didn’t do anything!”

“But why him?” Macintosh asked, pouting like a bitch.

“Because he can give me what I want out of a relationship, but without all the nonsense that comes with it. He’s frustratin’ and a bit of a smartass, but he’s also kind and funny. He’s a challenge and I like that.”

“Why can’t ya just wait for the right stallion to come along instead?”

“Maybe I am the right guy for her. Neither of us could know what Applejack wants.” I interjected.

“I don’t know what we’re talkin’ about, but I don’t like your tone.” Macintosh said.

“We already made up, Mac. We’re supposed to be cool.”

“Oh. How did that happen?”

Applejack and I shared a look, but I was foggy on the details myself so I had no room to talk.

“You know what? The gist is that you said you would let me be me. That’s all you gotta worry about.” Applejack sighed.

“Yeah, sounds okay. Just don’t buck the furless thing.” Macintosh reminded her.

“I’m gonna buck the furless thing. Deal with it.” She rubbed her temples and turned to me. “I’m gonna take him home. It was a nice evening, we’ll have to do it again sometime.”

“It was for the most part. Next time, no siblings.”

“Agreed.”

Applejack lead her brother out of my house and I put away the party favors and blankets that been left out before heading to bed myself. I had to get Lupa off of my spot, but it was no surprise that she had been there. Now I just had to worry about what would happen if Macintosh realized that I drugged him before what was supposed to be a ‘fair’ fight, but considering the difference in physiology, it was shitty of him to accept in the first place, so I didn’t feel that bad about it. That night, I counted apples as I tried for my forty winks.

Author's Notes:

Author dude here. This chapter took awhile due to the advent of a new job and thus a 3rd shift schedule. Life sucks sometimes, but writing doesn't.

Please leave a thumb or a comment so I know how I'm doing.

Stay Cool, Kids

Edit: Took forever to read/edit through, but I don't hate it. Fixed the usual shit and plugged some plot holes that came up. If you're going for a reread, hot swag.

On a seperate note, reading through things I don't remember writing is fun. It's like seeing it for the first time, though I know it came from my mind. It's cool to see the subtle differences in my current style and formatting from how I used to be.