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Sombra The Highly Unmotivated

by naturalbornderpy

Chapter 7: Adventure... Later

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A cold chill crept up my spine as I set the note back on the counter. I’d planned to leave in a day or two once I’d packed and prepared and laid out a highly detailed list of instructions should I never come back. Simple things, truthfully. Sell my junk. Donate what didn’t sell. Leave my computer alone. Only now did an overwhelming sense of urgency pull at me.

Someone had sent me a message of help. Had it somehow been Sombra? Or had my dreams been correct in some fashion—Sombra regaining control of the Crystal Empire and changing it as he saw fit?

Both possibilities seemed equally hard to believe.

The Sombra that had left my home two months ago could hardly go to the kitchen and back without needing a breather. Maybe Twilight’s friendship diet had worked all too well and she’d become the catalyst for her own world’s destruction.

Or perhaps I was over-thinking all this.

I gathered my small bag of supplies and stood before the lukewarm toaster. Flipping to the incantation I’d used before to send my mug through the void, I read it aloud (only flubbing a single word this time) and watched the same swirling vortex from my dreams come to life.

The force from the portal tugged at my shirt and skin and soon grew to half my size. I wished my condo well and then leapt through, immediately forming a ball, covering my face and my groin. If some floating portal debris should decide to crash into me, I figured I should be prepared.

I’d like to describe in detail what happened while I traveled through that mystical barrier between worlds—speak eloquently about the various colors and sights and sounds that slowly formed and changed as I went from Earth to Equestria. But truth be told, I spent most of that time with my eyes closed, cursing Sombra along with his punchable-yet-adorable little face.

Our relationship had become very complicated over time.

A blast of fresh air and light caused me to open my eyes. I saw blue sky and white fluffy clouds, so picturesque it seemed almost drawn. I looked down and started screaming at once, finally removing the hand covering my groin to flail uselessly in the wind.

I left the portal a good forty feet above the ground. What lay below me looked like the brown roof of some small tree house, a small balcony and set of stairs connected at its sides.

In that small amount of time before hitting the first branch atop the tree, I cursed many things: gravity, Sombra, trees, Sombra, myself, ponies in general, Sombra, and then I cursed the pain in my chest as I clumsily tried to grab hold of a branch, instead colliding directly into it.

“Uff!” I exhaled sharply, before continuing my trip down. Butt-first, I landed atop the roof, bits of shingles and wood falling to the floor below. My legs and upper half remained outside, horribly wedged in the hole I’d created. My small bag followed close behind, striking me on the head. I was off to a rocky start.

“What in Equestria could that be?” a small southern voice from below me asked.

“I don’t know. It’s all blue and round. It almost looks like some kind of fabric,” an even more adorable and somewhat squeaky voice said from the room below.

I tried wiggling my rump from the newly created hole only to find it painfully stuck in place. Reaching out, I loosely grabbed at the edge of the roof, straining to get out.

“Now it’s moving! Quick, let’s figure out what it is. We might even get our cutie marks in roof repair out of this!”

The third voice was the lowest and raspiest, though it wasn’t saying much. Right under my butt was a room filled with three little ponies—if I’d have to wager, far smaller ponies than the ones I’d tangoed with on Earth. I don’t think the human heart was made for such an obscene amount of cuteness.

“Ow!”

Something poked me from below—what felt like the handle of a broom.

“It talks, too!” the southern one exclaimed.

They nudged me again, giving me enough momentum to grab hold of the side of the house. One shove later, I toppled over the edge and landed on the railing with my shoulder. It hurt, but not as bad as I’d thought it would. Maybe pain and injury worked differently in this world.

“Argh,” I grunted, releasing my inner most Charlie Brown.

I heard a series of hooves gallop in my direction.

“You all right, mister?”

I peeled open an eye and closed it immediately. My hand went to my chest as my heart lurched in all directions. My other hand went to my jaw, where I felt each one of my teeth experience the sudden pain of a hundred cavities. Tears trickled down my cheeks.

One look did me in. Three small fillies with eyes close to the size of their heads, peering at me with genuine concern. I noted a bow and freckles on one and a stylized mane on another. That had been enough to drown each one of my senses with a barrage worth of “cute.” It was like a shot of sugar injected into my veins, racing towards my heart. I really hoped this was the smallest ponies came, otherwise Equestria might be organizing its first human funeral. Then I wondered who’d even attend.

“I think he might be hurt,” the squeaky one said. “Maybe I should go get my sister.”

“Don’t do that!” the tomboyish one interjected. “This might be our chance at getting real nurse cutie marks. I heard about a potion made with leaves and berries that cures every cold.”

“But I don’t think he even has a cold, Scootaloo. I think he’s in pain because he fell outta the sky, although he could still have a cold on top of that.”

I kept my eyes closed and held out a hand. “Stop talking. Please, stop talking. For the love of God, please stop talking.”

“Who’s God?” asked the southern one.

I sighed. “We’re not going to go there, all right? But please… no more words…”

When my heart settled down, I sat up against their little house. I kept my eyes closed. “All right, here’s what we’ll do. The sight of all three of you at once just might kill me, so let’s try this one by one. Scootaloo, you sound…” what? The least cute? I was actually about to say that? I was pretty sure if one of them started to cry, my heart would explode and I’d end up scarring them for life. I thought for a moment. “The one called Scootaloo, just stand away from the other two for a moment.”

I heard her approach and carefully opened one eye. My heart slowed for a moment, but quickly returned to normal. Scootaloo ended up being a small pegasus fitted with even smaller wings. Having known me for all of thirty seconds and still trusting me enough to approach, I heavily doubted the concept of “stranger danger” actually existed in their world.

I waved her aside. “Okay, now the bow one.”

She came to stand next to her friend. “My name’s Apple Bloom, just so you know.”

It was clear she was a relation of Applejack’s. With luck, I wouldn’t see Twilight or any of her friends while I was here.

My heart seized again. I’m guessing because of the bow.

Eventually, I nodded. “Good to know. Last one.”

I turned and looked at the one I’d been dreading most—the unicorn filly that might have literally been made from powdered sugar. By her humongous eyes, she looked more than excited to meet me.

She shouted, “And my name’s—”

I put a finger to her mouth. The sight of the adorable monstrosity was one thing—adding her voice overtop, I might as well begin a new quest while in town. Placeholder title: “Steve’s Arduous Trek to Find Insulin Whilst in Equestria.”

The unicorn filly frowned with an elastic mouth, causing a single tear to drip from my eye. Without knowing it, these tiny ponies were tearing me apart from the inside out. I almost wished Sombra was there to balance out the horribly skewed ugly/cute ratio.

When my body became accustom to the high sweetness levels and names were sorted out, I stood and rubbed at my shoulder. I said to Sweetie Belle, “Stop being so damn cute. You’re going to kill someone someday.”

She glanced away. “You think I’m cute?”

Sensing a possible murder/suicide on the horizon, I gathered my bag and strolled down the stairs. Once on the greenest grass I’d ever seen, I found a dirt road near by. In the few meters it took to get there, I became curious of my own plans. I could walk up the road, but to where, exactly? How exactly was I to find Sombra in a whole world full of other ponies? Hadn’t the whole idea been to remain as incognito as possible while here? Wasn’t I already failing at that miserably?

I stopped in the center of the road. Three sets of small hooves close behind me told me my heart hadn’t been punished enough that day.

***

All three of them sat in the dirt in utter disbelief. Their eyes were much wider than before, every mouth set to a pout. It was a known technique Sombra had used many times before. It seemed being a manipulative jerk was an inherent trait of all ponies.

If you see a lip quiver, you need to run, I reminded myself, fearing the burst of blood that would likely speckle across their colorful coats as my heart exploded in my chest.

Apple Bloom stepped away from the two. “Whaddaya mean, you don’t wanna? Why wouldn’t you, Steve?”

I shouldn’t have told them my name. It’s never sounded this plain delightful before.

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. “How can I make this any clearer? I have no interest in hanging out for the day, including, but not limited to: picnics, swimming, hiking, cutie mark gathering, tennis, tea time, imagination time, cape creation time or any sort of time. I’ve got other things to get to today.”

She stared at me bewildered. “You mean… you don’t even want to meet some other ponies? Like my family, maybe? Or take a trip into town for the day? I’m sure a lot of ponies would be darn excited to meet you.”

For some reason, it sounded as if this wasn’t the first time she’d said something along these lines. “Have other humans been here before? You’re all taking my being here rather well.”

“Well, of course you’re not the first human that’s visited, Steve! A lot of them pass by from time to time. Most just love meeting other ponies.”

This was all so weird. The fact that I wasn’t the first human in Equestria. Did that mean other ponies could be hanging around on Earth, shot out from some poor soul’s short-circuiting blender? A better question, I thought, was if there might be more worlds than just Earth and Equestria.

I knelt down to them. “I’m good. Honestly, I am. The less ponies see me, the better. I’m trying to keep a low profile while I’m here.”

Scootaloo came up beside Sweetie Belle. “You think maybe you were sent here to go on some kind of adventure, Steve?”

“Nope. I was sent here by myself for the shortest amount of time possible. And only to rescue a friend—if he’s still alive, that is. Or if he still wants to be my friend at all.”

Sweetie Belle perked up and jumped. “A friendship problem? I know who would be perfect with that! Rarity and the Elements! Let’s go and get them, Steve!”

Before she’d had a chance to scramble away, I tugged on her tail to stop her. Unaware of pony culture, I was unsure if this was considered highly inappropriate.

I pointed a finger at each of them. “Nope, nope, nope, nope. Nope to infinity. I’m not being coerced into meeting anyone. This is going to be a one man show, all right? As soon as I find Sombra, I’m gone. Hopefully, that means by the end of today.”

“Sombra?” Sweetie Belle chimed in. “Oh, I remember him! My sister and her friends brought him back here awhile ago. I was even around when they got back. They were carrying this dark pony in a pink bubble across town.”

“That would be the guy. How’d he seem?”

She dug a hoof into the dirt. “Mad. Mad about a lot of stuff, by the sounds of it. He was complaining about everything. How the bubble was too hard. How the sun hurt his eyes. How he was hungry and sleepy at the same time, but didn’t know if he wanted to sleep or eat first.”

I nodded, grinning from the image. “Sounds like he might have been trying to annoy his way back to Earth. Or into an early grave.”

Sweetie Belle grimaced. “He was also saying a lot of mean things to everyone he could. My sister. Twilight. Luna. He even yelled at some ponies just eating ice cream on a bench.” She hesitated before adding, “That was when Luna might have dropped his bubble on the ground and rolled him the rest of the way. By the sounds of it, he didn’t like that very much, either.”

I snorted. Sombra was my friend, but he still deserved a little something for the way he’d behaved. Also, the thought of him stuck inside a rolling hamster ball was just plain rib-tickling.

“Any idea where they took him?”

All three fillies pointed over my head. I turned and scanned up the winding path, crisscrossing along a hill until it ended at the entrance of some dull gray building. Even from that distance, I could see the thick bars along the windows. Overhead hung a mass of black clouds, leaving the entire center darkened by its shadow. Yellow bolts of lightning crashed into the roof and nearby hillside.

How I missed it before, I hadn’t a clue.

I turned to them again. “Looks a little ominous. Is that a prison or something?”

Apple Bloom tilted her head. “Prison? No, silly, that’s the newly created Rehabilitation Center for Wayward Ponies.”

I cocked a brow. “How long has it been around?”

“A few months ago it wasn’t there at all, and then one morning blam! It was there!”

“So it only came to exist around the time Sombra was brought here?”

She thought. “I guess so. But as far as ponies tell me, it has a hundred percent success rate.”

I found that more than surprising. “Really? How’s that?”

“Anyone’s that gone in has never come out.”

I sighed. “I think you mean zero percent success rate.”

Apple Bloom hesitated. “I reckon you might be right.”

Reluctantly, I spun back to the blackened rehabilitation center as another bolt of lightning chipped off a bit of its exterior. I almost thought I could hear the hollering of the mad from so far away, but perhaps it was only my imagination.

I gulped. Maybe Sombra was right all along in not trusting that multicolored crime-fighting team.

I asked, “Do you know who runs that place?”

Scootaloo stood next to me. “Nope. And as far as Ponyville’s concerned, nobody ever goes in and nobody ever comes out.”

I felt my shoulders slump. “And nobody has a problem with that?”

“Just turn your head to the side, Steve,” Apple Bloom added cheerfully. “Just pretend it’s not there at all! I know that’s what I do while looking out the window in the clubhouse.”

I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. “Any chance they accept visitors?”

“I don’t know, but I doubt it.”

I grabbed hold of my bag and swung it over my shoulder. “Then we just might need to change that.”

***

When I said “we” in the hero-like statement from before, I meant it as me, myself, and I. The trio of fillies patiently waiting behind me must have thought something entirely different, as they jumped up and down in a cute little circle, yelling something about potential “visitor” cutie-marks.

Half-way up the hill, I finally told them to scram. As I heard the first of them sniffle, I ran up the hill as fast as I could. I was sure the sight of three crying fillies would find me six feet in the dirt faster than any sinister bolt of lightning would.

Like an idiot, I tried the front doors, only to find no handles to grip. I then went to one of the windows on the sides in an attempt to peer in. It was one-way glass.

I went to the back of the center so there’d be less chance of being spotted. Kneeling down, I brought my spell book out and flipped to the teleportation page. In the condo, it’d been easy. I knew what my bathroom’s and bedroom’s layouts were, so imagining where I’d end up was a breeze. The Rehabilitation Center, I hadn’t a clue.

I took a quick pull from my water bottle. “Here’s to not being sliced in half by a wall.” Then I crouched and disappeared with an audible pop.

The inside of the building was even dimmer than the shade from the cloud. Grungy black-and-white tiled floors went in all directions; thin wooden barriers divided the wide space. When I teleported in, I found myself crouched underneath a desk with a glass front. I heard the pony seated there jolt at the pop noise, but nothing more.

The pony overhead ruffled some papers, then spoke into an intercom. “Doctor to room thirty-one, please. Doctor to room thirty-one.”

From down the hall I heard approaching steps. They didn’t sound like hooves.

“Coming!” they shouted, a hint of laughter in their voice. “Always so busy, busy, busy.”

Panicked, I ducked behind a nearby vacant wheelchair until they’d passed by. I waited an extra moment and then scurried along the ground. Peeking around the corner, I found the main hall devoid of anyone. Along its stained walls were tacked motivational posters hung askew: ponies dangling from tree branches next to ones of “COMMITMENT” printed over a tidal wave. A flickering overhead light illuminated a framed poster near the end of the hall, this one of a smiling Pinkie Pie with the text: “Laughter is the best medicine! So are pills! Make sure to laugh while taking your pills!”

I shuddered. This whole place was well beyond creepy.

On the adjacent wall, I spotted a directory. Across from me was nothing but more and more room numbers. Back the other way was a larger area labeled “The Quiet Room”. I crossed my fingers and hoped for the best.

***

Before I’d even pushed open the swinging doors, I could hear the happy tune. Once it came to a stop, I heard the tape rewind and then start anew. It was terribly catchy and had something to do with smiles. A lot of them, in fact.

Cautiously, I went in, keeping low to the ground. I needn’t have worried.

A half-dozen ponies sat in identical wheelchairs facing a wide barred window. The view outside was of a single tree with all of its leaves missing save one. The strong wind outside nudged against it playfully, tempting to flick its last survivor away.

Each watching pony looked enraptured by the view, a drop of drool hanging from most mouths. I waved a hand in front of a dark-blue unicorn and she didn’t notice me at all. On her lap was a homemade blanket stitched together by hundreds of different threads. Sombra, seated near the back, had something close to the same, only his was a crocheted straightjacket.

I knelt by his chair, his head leaning to the side. “Hey. Hey, Sombra, it’s me, Steve. You all right?”

Saliva dripped from his mouth. His unfocused eyes stared forward blankly.

I snapped my fingers in front of him. “Hello? Hello in there? They couldn’t have scrambled your brains this fast, could they? You watch game shows all day! What else is there left to mush?”

Sombra didn’t budge a single inch. Every few seconds he’d blink and overhead the smile song started again. I soon thought I’d go mad, left inside long enough.

I flicked his ear, hopeful to get him mad. His eye twitched, but nothing more.

I knew then I’d need to resort to something stronger, even if I’d been saving it for myself.

I whispered to him, “Remember this, Sombra? I doubt they allow this in Equestria.”

The slice of meat-lovers pizza I brought along hovered less than an inch below his snout. I hoped the fact that it was a little old and cold wouldn’t matter. I used my hand to waft over the smell.

Sombra’s right nostril twitched, then his eye. More saliva dripped from his mouth and his pupils shrunk to stare near the tip of his nose. Slowly, his lips curled into a snarl, and his tongue exited his mouth in search of the food.

I held the pizza away from him. “Are you back with us, Sombra?”

His hazy eyes were now focused on the pizza. “Why do you retreat from me, oh delicious one? I can keep you safe, I promise, inside me. Oh, please, come back. I only want to hold you close to me.”

And here I thought things couldn’t get any more bizarre.

At least that got him talking. I asked, “Sombra, can you hear me?”

“My name’s not Sombra anymore, I’m afraid. I’m told that’s a bad name. I’m told I’m named Sweet Berries now, because I’m told I like berries more than anything else. Yesterday, I picked berries for twelve hours straight. I was told it was the best day of my life. I’ve been told not to disagree with this idea.”

Well, look at that. Everything just got more bizarre.

Not wanting to hear more, I shoved the doughy mess into his mouth as he swallowed fast enough to choke. After it was gone, his eyes rolled into the back of his head and he swirled from side to side. He must have been higher than cloud nine.

Then he caught sight of me and awareness took hold.

“You!” he growled. “You left me to die, you bastard!”

I raised both hands. “You were never going to die, Sombra. They said they were going to help you.”

He motioned his horn around. “Does this look like help, Steve? I told you they couldn’t be trusted!”

“You want to keep your voice down a bit? I really don’t think I’m supposed to be here.”

He sneered at me. “I guess that makes two of us. Now hold out your hand, Steve.”

“Why?”

“Just do it.”

I held out my hand to him and felt it wrapped in a magical force. My hand flew back to slap me across the face, three times over.

I grabbed hold of my rogue hand. “Stop that!”

Sombra giggled. “You deserve that, Steve. And much more, I’m sure. Now why are you here? Have you come to finish the job? Drive a blade through what remains of my heart?”

I winced. “What? No! I’m not here to kill you, Sombra. I wouldn’t come all this way for something like that. Actually, I’m here to bring you back.” I paused. “If you want to, I mean.”

Sombra’s gleefulness fell away as he looked at me. He almost seemed fearful. “Do you really mean that, Steve? You lied to me before, you know. And that hurt. Very much so.”

I nodded. “I swear, Sombra, just as long as you pick up after yourself every once in a while, you can crash on my couch. Maybe a little less food, as well.”

He still looked hesitant. “How do I know you’re not merely some drug induced dream? I’ve seen things, Steve. Things you wouldn’t believe.”

I poked his nose. Repeatedly.

“Stop that!” he shouted, before looking away from me. “It’s only understandable you want to rescue me now. Anyone denied my royal presence at all times must surely be insane. I will accept your apology and allow you to repay me over time. Let it be known that I am a merciful King, even to those slaves that dare to betray me.”

I chewed my tongue. “I never apologized, you know.”

He looked up quickly. “Whatever, Steve. We need to leave this place at once. It’s terrible here, the food’s substandard, and the beds aren’t like couches at all. And every day they try to get me to feel things, Steve. I don’t want to feel. It makes me feel all gooey inside and I don’t like it. Plus, the one running this place is insane.”

I stared at him for a moment.

“More insane than me, Steve! I kid you not!”

Finding the looping overhead song more than I could take, I ignored the rest of my questions and started untying his multicolored straightjacket. Once free, Sombra fell to the floor and stretched out each leg.

“You lost weight,” I remarked.

He growled. “I think you mean they starved me! I never want to see ice water Jell-O again for as long as I live.”

I picked up the handmade straightjacket to stuff in my pack. Keepsakes and all that.

“Why didn’t you try and escape before with your horn?”

Sombra glanced around fretfully. “Magic’s very limited inside here. Only the doctor is allowed to keep his powers, if that’s what they’re even called.”

“But you slapped my face. A few times.”

He rolled his eyes. “Then I guess I found the strength just for you, Steve. Make you feel good?”

I rubbed at my red cheek. “No.”

Sombra lowered his voice. “Something’s wrong here, Steve. This doesn’t feel like the world I left all those months ago. The moment we arrived here, Twilight and the others started acting differently, not all hugs and kisses as I’d been expecting. That same day, they dumped me here and haven’t returned since. All I’ve heard is that they’re preparing for something, and if I’d have to guess, it involves me somehow, which is why they’ve trapped me here along with that psychotic doctor.”

As much as I’d like to disagree—remind myself I hadn’t been tricked by a bunch of ponies for the tenth time or so—the evidence that something wasn’t right here was staggering. The three fillies I’d met and how easily they took my behind’s entrance into their roof. The fact that this very “rehabilitation” center was allowed to exist at all, even if it seemed to be doing nothing of the sort. Even how badly Twilight and her group had wanted him returned, freezing my work floor and literally chasing me down to talk.

Before I had a chance to speak, we both turned to the ceiling as the smile song came to a stop. Instead of starting again, a two note jingle played and the receptionist spoke over the intercom. “The doctor to the Quiet Room for scheduled rounds, please. The doctor to the Quiet Room.”

I looked down at Sombra. “What should we do?”

“Hide.”

Author's Notes:

Time for that DARK tag yet?

Editor's picks for the eventual live-action adaptation: Steve played by Simon Pegg. Sombra voiced by Robert Downey Jr.

Author's picks: Steve played by Simon Pegg/James Franco. Sombra voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch.

Twilight played by Leonardo DiCaprio in full costume and makeup. Oscar guaranteed.

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