In the dead of night, I heard the toaster spring to life. Confused, I rose out of bed and entered the pitch-black hall outside my bedroom. A set of glowing red and green eyes greeted me from the living room, purple smoke billowing out around the sides. That was all I could see.

“I’ve come back for you, Steve,” he told me thickly. “You thought you could be rid of me for good?”

I turned and ran for my bedroom again, wondering just how many cuts I might receive while jumping out the window. But when I turned, Sombra was already there, the glow from his haunting eyes allowing me the sight of his toothy sneer. In all my time of knowing him, I’d never seen him move so fast. He must have been a lot more motivated than before.

I was dragged back to the kitchen kicking and screaming and tossed through a large gray portal whirling and circling around my toaster. I spun through the air a half-dozen times and landed on my head on the other side. What was there was light-purple and blue. Also, shiny.

More graceful than my own entrance, Sombra exited on his hooves and closed the portal behind him. On his head he had a crown, along with a red cape on his back. He exhaled in satisfaction. “That was easy. Come along now, Steve. Let me show you around the place.”

Sombra moved ahead of me and I begrudgingly followed. Each tall wall was made of crystal and every few feet another set of burning candles lit the way. A large set of double doors opened before us and the room beyond was far larger than any room I’d ever seen. Immense crystal chandeliers hung low from the ceiling and by their light I spotted a rusty cage near a shadowy section of the room. Locked inside were Twilight and her friends, dirty and malnourished. Seated in the very center was Luna, her jaw set so tight I figured most of her teeth must be close to cracking.

I stopped in the center of the room. “What did you do?”

Sombra turned back to me, grinning wildly. He pointed a leg at everything. “I’ve won, Steve. Isn’t it obvious?”

“You’ve… won?”

He nodded. “Yes. I’ve bested my adversaries and am now once again the ruler of the Crystal Empire. The Princesses and her friends are mine to do with as I please and now so are you. Did you really think you’d be safe from me?”

“But you’ve been gone like two months. How’s that even possible?”

“I’ve been busy.” His eyes took on a glow akin to fire. He stepped towards me, causing me to retreat. “That wasn’t very nice, Steve, what you did to me. That wasn’t very nice, at all.”

I swallowed thickly, curious if I’d be housed with the other mares or given a rusty cage of my own. “I’m… sorry?”

He glared at me for a time, fangs out on display. “That’s all right. I’m sure you’ll make it up to me in time. You only have the rest of your life to do so. Come now; I’ve one last thing to show you.”

We walked to the other end of the large room and before we even neared the object in question, I could already tell what it was. Even as a poorly constructed crystal replica, I could spot my lumpy couch from a mile away.

Sombra sat in his usual spot. “Now sit, Steve. And we’ll try and pretend you never broke my heart into a million little pieces and left me a more vengeful stallion than before. Later, you will inform my personal chefs how to recreate the wonderful creation known as pizza. But for now, we will watch another episode of Badly Breaks. I’m sure you’ll find it as amusing as I.” He turned his head to the side. “If some ponies would remember their lines for once!”

For close to an hour, I watched the oddest play I’d ever seen. Sombra had made Twilight and each one of her friends act as a character from Breaking Bad, reading off cue cards held up by other prisoners. Considering Sombra didn’t have access to any scripts or real episodes, it was mostly a smattering of remembered quotes and catchphrases from the show. Luna played Skyler and Rarity played Marie, while Twilight played a very unconvincing Jesse, closing her eyes and grimacing each time she was forced to swear. Oddest of all, Applejack took on the role of Walter White, and the amount of grit she added to her performance almost made me wish to see a repeat performance.

At the very end, when a chorus of slaves hummed the closing credits theme, Sombra painfully patted my head with a hoof. “Who’s in control now, Steve?” he asked sharply.

Then he laughed and he laughed, his deep baritone chuckle reverberating off each wall.

It was a laugh of madness.

My therapist looked away from his clipboard, his half-spectacles resting near the tip of his nose. “And that’s it? That’s the end of the dream?”

I sprawled out along the loveseat, placing my hands behind my head. “Yes. And I’ve had it a few times before that, but always close to the same.” I sighed. “It’s weird, isn’t it?”

He tapped his pen against his papers. “Well, of course it’s weird. Most dreams are. But trying to understand what they mean is where I come in.”

“All right. So what does it mean?”

He rubbed his chin. “Do you believe your dog would want retribution for giving him away, if he could ever do such a thing?”

I chewed my tongue. “Perhaps.”

“Or maybe it’s something more than odd fear of talking dogs that’s causing these dreams? Could they perchance be due to the guilt you feel, having given him away?”

I crossed my arms. “He was dangerous, all right? He was… a very violent dog. He had to be sent away.”

“Couldn’t you have trained him to be a better dog?”

I ran a hand over my face. “What are you? An animal expert or my overpriced therapist?”

“I’m definitely your overpriced therapist, Steve, but the fact that you try to insult me from a meager suggestion proves that there is inherent guilt on your part. As much as you might wish it was as easy as giving away some nasty old dog, you still find some of the blame left on your shoulders. So, you can either try to cope with these feelings and the recurring dreams that appear to be coming with them, or you can try and fix what you’ve done.”

“How would I do that, then?” I asked bluntly. “Just go and pick him up where I dropped him off? Hope he doesn’t try and chew my face off after I apologize?”

My therapist said soothingly, “Dogs are surprisingly kind creatures, Steve.”

But what about ponies? I thought coldly. Ex-tyrannical King ponies with a love of bloody violence?

“It already feels like it might be too late for that.”

“He’s not dead, is he? You said he was donated to a group that could take care of him.”

“He was. But I’m not sure I could get him back, even if I wanted to. It might be hard. It might even be impossible.”

My therapist nodded. “But even trying, I think, will allow you to discharge your negative emotions surrounding the incident. Was he really all that bad a dog to you?”

I thought about it. “To me? I guess not. But it was what he did before that caused me to send him away. He did terrible things before he wound up in my place. So much so, others even tried to put him down.”

He wrote a few more notes. “The past will remain in the past, Steve, but it’s up to us what we want to see in the future.”

I rose from the loveseat. “Are you quoting something or are you making this up as you go along?”

He chuckled. “Steve, all good therapists are bull-shitters. That doesn’t mean we don’t know what we’re talking about. Sometimes we only like to hear ourselves talk.” He glanced at his watch. “You have thirty seconds left. Do you want to add another half-hour to our session?”

I thought of the sudden new hole in my bank account. Suddenly, Sombra's snack budget felt far more modest than before.

It had been sixty-two days since I watched Sombra vanish in a wash of white light, along with the seven other mares. After returning home from the forest, I went straight to bed and slept without thoughts; my mind had been spinning around in overdrive since Twilight had knocked on my door. I more than welcomed its quiet end.

When I came to, I went to the kitchen for my morning cereal and spent almost a minute just staring at the couch; the wide indent where Sombra used to sleep and basically live remained visible on the cushion. Getting it out would be hard, I thought; all the mane and fur I’d end up discovering.

I imagined my vacuum exploding from the black and grey clog and chuckled dryly, finding it did little to elevate my current mood. I’d betrayed someone who’d considered me a friend. He’d trusted me and in return I gave him away to those he hated most. His actions from his past had made my decision for me; Sombra was not meant for this world, and what he’d done during his reign more than deserved sending him back home.

As many times I’d remind myself of this, I still felt regret. No matter how much Sombra boasted about past atrocities or how plain ugly he might have been compared to the rest of his kind, I’d betrayed a little pony in their time of need. It wasn’t something that could be forgotten so easily.

Since most of my time since Sombra had arrived had been spent with him, I found more hours in the day than I knew what to do with. At night and on weekends, I’d spend my time flipping through my spell book, starting small fires in the palm of my hand. It hurt. A lot, actually. And soon I was reminded I wasn’t anywhere close to fireproof.

A month after casting aside my pony pal, I could successfully teleport from the living room to the washroom or bedroom. One evening, I even created a tiny portal near the couch that exited at the front of the fridge. No more getting up if I wanted a drink. Maybe that’s how Sombra got as fat as he did. I was starting to believe magic could make even the noblest of creatures lazy beyond compare.

During my newfound time, my girlfriend became a more permanent fixture in my home. The sight of a Sombra-less space filled her with more joy than I’d thought it would. I guess the awkward glares from a pony pretending to be a dog would start to grate on anyone’s nerves.

The first week we spent together was great. She ate up my time as well as my murky thoughts and eventually Sombra and his pony pals felt like some fever dream from the past. The second week was close to the same, but soon I found myself exhausted. She was the type that liked spontaneous romantic adventures, while I was more the type that liked movies and TV, quiet evenings and sarcastic conversation. Not many were surprised to note this was my first girlfriend in over three years.

The eighth week was when things came to a head. By her decree, videogames were the first to go. Then went my choice of TV or film. Meals became more green and meatless than I’d liked, and I found my wallet soon emptying once again, due to fancy gifts and daily dates around town.

It was clear things weren’t going to work between us.

One minor misunderstanding was all it took.

“Just what do you think you’re doing?” she asked, confusion in her eyes.

From her stare, I looked upward and found my fingers running through her hair. It seemed I’d forgotten exactly who was seated next to me on the couch.

“Scratching your head?” I squeaked out.

Her eyes narrowed. “Like a dog?”

Or some pony, I thought, but dared not say.

Soon an innocent little scratch upon the head turned to something much worse, and forty-seven sentences later, she slammed the door behind her and left my life. During our entire fight, I’d never even left my spot on the couch. It seemed I’d become as lazy as a pony.

Sighing heavily, I glanced at all the items in my home. In two months, I hadn’t watched a single episode of any of my old shows. In two months, I hadn’t played a single video game nor bought a new one, even while I’d had the cash. In two months, I ordered a single pizza, but tossed it in the trash after one slice. It all reminded me of him.

My girlfriend had lived a whole human life and developed hobbies and interests of her own. Sombra had shot out from my toaster a blank state to human customs. I had been his guide to this new world and shared my human interests with him, in a way, creating a mini-version of myself. We might have argued and we might have hated the other from time to time, but what good friends didn’t during their time together?

In the quiet of the condo, I eventually came to a conclusion.

I missed my little pony.

I knocked on my boss’s door and entered before he’d had a chance to look up. I figured if I sat in the visitor’s chair before I lost my nerve, I’d find myself forced to say what I was planning on saying.

He set his pen down. “What can I do you for, Steve?” He paused. “It is Steve, right? I think we have at least one other Steve and one Stephano or something or other floating around here.”

I nodded. “It’s Steve, sir. You were right.”

He waved a hand. “Oh, no formalities here, Steve. Mr. Hendricks will be fine.”

I mentally crushed his head in-between a vice grip, watching the bits of brain matter ooze out his ears. Sombra’s taste for gore must have rubbed off on me, I thought.

“All right, Mr. Hendricks.” I cleared my throat. “I need some time off. Perhaps a lot of time off.”

He steepled his fingers. “What we talking about here? A week? Two? A month?”

I honestly didn’t know. “One of those, I’m sure.”

He chuckled to himself. “I like you, Steve.”

“Thirty-seconds ago you didn’t even know my name was Steve.”

“But now I do! And am I ever glad you came to see me today.” He smiled at me, his eyes not matching his smirk. “Time is valuable here, Steve. Every day we make calls and every day more and more of those calls are being ignored. Just between you and me, we’ll be out of business in less than a few years, if not sooner!”

He chuckled again, in that way that bosses do when they think they’ve said something funny.

“So what happens when you’re not around to make those calls, Steve?”

I shrugged. “You get someone to fill in while I’m gone?”

He slapped his hand on the desk. “Nope! You think I’m gonna spend money training someone new, just to throw them away once I get you back?”

I was beginning to understand where this was going. Thankfully, having just lost my pet pony along with my girlfriend in a series of months, I thought, What better way to add to my collage of misery than by losing my job to boot?

“I have a feeling you’re about to deny me any vacation time. Am I correct in thinking that, Mr. Hendricks?”

He smiled at me again. “I knew you were a smart one!”

If I was going to hit rock bottom, I might as well have a little fun while doing so.

I asked calmly, “Can I at least explain to you why I need this time off?”

He glanced at his watch. “Sure. I’ll give you sixty seconds. Then I got a prior engagement with a toilet and the funny pages.”

I don’t think I’m going to miss working here all that much, I thought, before speaking very, very candidly.

I told him, “Seven months ago a portal formed around my toaster. What shot out from that portal was a three-and-a-half foot tall black and grey pony named King Sombra. He was in charge of an empire in a land of ponies called Equestria. Only problem was that he was a bad ruler. Slaves. Death. Misery. Let’s just say, he was kind of a dick over there.”

I leaned back in my visitor’s chair, the expression on Mr. Hendricks’ face enough to sweeten the blackest of morning coffees. It was almost as if his smarmy grin was melting like candle wax.

“Seven months later, Sombra becomes lazy. Unmotivated, even. Each time I try to kick him out of the house, he guilt trips me into letting him stay. Then, a little over two months ago, a whole plethora of colorful mares arrives at my door and demands that I hand him over. They want to become his friend, they tell me. Because that’s what ponies in Equestria do, I guess. They make friends with everyone, or some hippy crap like that.”

I leaned forward in my chair, causing my boss to recoil.

I opened my eyes wide. “What does all this have to do with time off, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you! Using a spell book I bought off eBay, I plan to travel to Equestria to get my moody little friend back. Will I succeed? Who knows! Will I be stuck in what I assume will be the physical equivalent of a never-ending acid trip for all eternity? Maybe so, Mr. Hendricks! Maybe so!”

I stood up and placed both hands on his desk. My boss’s mouth hung ajar, his unfunny Family Circus comic strip momentarily pushed from his thoughts.

“But the one thing you should remember is that if I come back and if I should bring with me my little unicorn buddy, is that if I told him to, he would cave your head in like a rotten pumpkin. And all I’d need to give him in return is some chips. Maybe some dip on the side.”

My breathing became heavy, my brow moist. When you had very little left to lose, it was amazing how soon the opinions of others went down the drain. Especially types like him.

In the silence of the room, Mr. Hendricks’ noisy wall clock ticked on; another co-worker popped in and asked a question, only to be met by a wall of silence. Once he left, Hendricks slowly left his chair and rubbed both eyes with his hands.

He regarded me for a time. “Well,” he started slowly, “I hope your time spent in rehab proves as successful as my days there were. Take it from a sober man for the last twenty years, Steve; I believe in you.”

He reached out and hugged me. I stood motionless and stiff.

He whispered, “I know how hard it may seem to shake that purple and green dragon off your back once it gets its claws into you, but with enough moral gumption, I’m sure you’ll pull through. And just know that your job will be waiting for you when you get back.”

He let me go and returned to his chair. I remained standing, perplexed.

Mr. Hendricks chuckled again. “Equestria. What a great term for it.” He looked at me. “I know my time spent in Equestria was more hellish than most. I hope your trek through that mysterious jungle proves easier than my own, Steve. Good luck.”

Without another word, I left, feeling more bemused than when I originally stepped inside that office. It seemed I couldn’t even get fired if I’d wanted to.

That night, I packed a bag with any supplies I thought I might need and quickly discovered I actually had no idea what was waiting for me on the other side. All I knew was I was looking for a pony—the most hated one in all of Equestrian existence—in a bid to return him to my world. My self-imposed mission seemed less and less tempting the more I thought about it. There was a lot that could happen.

I could be sent away the moment I get there.

I could find Sombra dead, one too many insults given to that grumpy blue mare.

I could even find a pony I don’t recognize anymore. Befriended and added back into the Equestrian fold, happy and content, sunshine and rainbows shooting out from his behind.

I also could be torn into a thousand little pieces while getting there, spinning and swirling for all eternity in the portal from my toaster.

It was all a lot to think about. Largest of all was which sweatshirt to wear. The red or the blue? The black and white striped? I thought the more colors the better, exploring such a colorful new world.

Deep in my thoughts, I heard my toaster go off and soon the faint aroma of burnt English muffin wafted down the hall. I pinched myself, fearing I was dreaming again, only to find I was very much awake.

Stuck in the toaster was a note, blackened around the edges. I burned the tips of my fingers pulling it out, unsure of what it meant. Only two words filled the page’s space, written in shaky black font.

It read: “HELP ME”.

Author's Notes:

If only I could add a "Bro-mance" tag to this story. Maybe I'll suggest it.