~Why ‘non-fatal’?~

*Probably because I would like to try again without killing anyone. Well, anyone I like.*

~...~ There was a disturbingly pregnant pause before Ruby spoke again. ~You are a disturbing being. Ember. And coming from a spirit as old as me. That is saying something.~

*Oh really?* I scoff. *Check your privileges. I could’ve been one of those people into scat, or a mechaphilliac, or-*

~Alright, I get your point.~ Interrupted Ruby with disgust clear in the gem’s voice.

*Alright.* I hear some loud knocking on my front door. Without another thought I head over to and open the door. Finding no one, but instead a little box with a note attached to it. I picked it up and read the note.

“Hope you liked the surprise!” Was all it said. Shrugging, I open the plain box. Revealing a little blue flower. It reminded me of a rose despite it not looking like one.

*Who the fuck would give me a flower?*

-A secret admirer maybe?- Embris suggested.

*Maybe…* I turn back around and head to kitchen, closing the door behind me. *But if I have a secret admirer, then they were probably watching me pick this thing up.*

~That could very well be true.~ Stated Ruby.

*But since that possibly, I think, is close to zero. I think we can safely assume it’s either from Pinkie as a harmless gift. Or some kind of prank from Rainbow.*

~Why do you think it to be a prank?~ Inquired the gem.

*Eh, just a hunch. Knowing those two it could be something, or it could be from one of the others... I’m gonna ask Chrysi and see if she knows anything about this flower.*

~Good idea.~ Ruby agreed. I then head over to the living room and find the changeling princess reclining in the couch.

“Hey Chrysi.” I call to her.

“Yeah?” She doesn’t turn to me, but acknowledges me. Her eyes are firmly glued to the tv watching C.S.I. Miami.

“You know what this is?” I hold up the blue flower and she looks at it. Then she jumps off the couch.

“Drop that!” She yells, I do so. “That thing’s Poison Joke! Who the buck gave that to you!?”

“Don’t know, but it could either be Pinkie or Dash. And why did you tell me to drop it?”

“Don’t you know!?” She came up to me, but while also keeping distance between us. “Those things play really mean jokes on anybody who touches them!” Then realization hit me like a freight train.

“Oh, fuck me.” I bring my hand to my face. “Please tell me there’s a way to cure this shit before it even happens?”

“Not as far as I know...” Chrysi started pacing. “This is bad, really bad...” She started muttering to herself.

“Hey, calm down.” I walk over and place a comforting hand to her shoulder. Only for her to flinch away. “Uh… I’ll go see if the others know something about this.”

“Wai-” Was all I heard from her right before I teleported to Twi’s place.

“... and now I’m here.” I finished my little tale to Twilight. Who, to my relief, was in the table map room. And not in some room of the castle I have no way of exactly knowing how to get there.

“Hmm… You’re right. This does have Pinkie or Rainbow written all over this.” She looked up to me and smiled. “But there is a cure. Just go down to the spa and ask for the ‘Special Bubble Bath’ and the spa twins will have you cured in no time.” I nod to her, smiling back.

“Thanks Twi. I’ll be on my way then.” I turn to leave, but then realized something: I don't know where that place is. “... Mind telling me where the spa is?”

“Just look for Rarity’s boutique and head left from it.”

“Thanks again.” I teleport to the dress store and head down the packed dirt path -what do you call these paths? Roads or something? Gotta find out later- to the left as per Twilight’s instructions. And find the spa building just a little up ahead.

And I can already feel something within me change.

With a sped up pace, I walk into the spa and look for the spa ponies. I heard from Rarity they’re twins. And the room I entered is a reception room. Chairs line the wall to my left while a desk occupies the right. And straight ahead one would see a couple chairs and other spa related things.

“Hello! Ve vill be there in vone second!” A… german? Accented voice came from the spa area. Next thing I see are two ponies come from some room off to the side. One with pink fur and blue hair, and the other with reversed colors. And both of them have brilliant blue eyes. And they’re wearing some white band that I assume holds their hair back. What are they called? “Hello and welcome to- Oh! You must be Ember, correct?” The pink furred asked.

“Yes, that would be me.” I answered. I would’ve added, ‘unless there are other humans here,’ but Corey and Britt live here, so yeah. Can’t do that.

“Wunderbar!” Pinky exclaimed in german.

“How may we be of service today?” Bluey asked, apparently eager to please. I can feel my wings shrinking. Fucking shit. If Rainbow is behind this she is paying. You don’t. Fuck with. My wings.

“I was told by a friend that you have a special bath that can cure any affliction by Poison Joke. I kinda got one as a prank and touched it.” At the mention of the offending flower the twins flinched.

“Oh dear. Come, ve vill get the bath ready for you.” I nodded and followed the pair through the building. I felt myself getting weak for some reason. I look down at myself and saw that my arms and legs were getting thinner.

*What the fuck…* My hurried speed walking turned to a mediocre trudge as time went on. The spa twins noticed this and came to my side to help me stay up. I wasn’t feeling any sort of fatigue, but I just felt so weak by the time we made it to a large tub against a wall. *How big is this place?* I looked behind me and we were only about thirteen meters away from the entrance. *... Wow…*

-No kidding.- Embris decided it was the appropriate time to add her statement.

The spa twins helped me up into the tub and began filling it with water.

“I vill get the special mix. Viat here with him sister.” Pinky said right before she ran off to get that mix.

“So, you two are twins?” I broke the ice between me and Bluey the best way I knew how. It made her giggle so whatever.

“Yes, ve are twins.” She tittered.

“Cool. What are your names? Didn’t really get them when at the lobby.”

“Oh, I am Lotus. And my sister is Aloe.” Huh, how appropriate for spa ponies.

“Cool. And I’ve been wondering. You two speak german?” I asked. I could tell english wasn’t their first language. But with the whole different worlds thing I really couldn't be completely sure about different languages. And the fact that I briefly talked about this with Twilight makes it all the more confusing.

“I think you mean Germane, but yes.”

“So wäre es einfacher für Sie, wenn wir Ihre Sprache sprechen (So it would be easier if we speak your language)?” Lotus reacted the way I thought she would: open mouth and bugged out eyes.

“Y-you speak Germane?” I nodded. “Oh my goodness! It has been so long since I have spoke in my native tongue! Aloe will love this!”

“I am glad to hear that.” Just then the other twin walks into the room. Holding a green bottle in her mouth.

“Aloe! Ember here speaks Germane!” Aloe almost dropped the bottle at the declaration form her sister.

“Really? You must pulling one of my legs sister!” She said disbelievingly.

“Why would your sister lie to you about something like that?” I innocently asked in German. This time Aloe dropped the bottle, which thankfully didn’t spill, and had a similar face to Lotus when she reacted to me knowing their language.

“O-oh my… What a big surprise this is.” Aloe stuttered.

“Yes, it is, but could you start the bath you talking about, please?”

“Oh! Of course. How could I have forgotten?” Aloe said in english. She picked up the bottle and poured some of the fluid into the bath as it was filling up. I took this time to look at myself: Toothpick body, from what I feel, small-ass wings. So basically I got turned into a ninety-pound weakling. Rainbow is so getting it if she’s behind this.

But soon after the tub was full I literally saw my whole body beef up. The enriching bath returning me to my beef cake self. Surprisingly it wasn't any more dramatic than me inflating like a balloon. Whatever, I didn’t even think it’d be more dramatic. And to think about it… It was just a prank, and Rainbow does mean well. Though, she shows that in the worst ways sometimes.

You know what? Fuck it. I’m not letting Rainbow have her satisfaction of a successful prank. If she’s even involved. But most likely she is.

But right now. I want to enjoy this bath. It’s been awhile since I’ve been in a pool. Maybe these ponies have those here? Wait, I’ve pinkie with floaties, they got pools here.

“Could you tell us where you learned to speak our language? I am very curious.” Aloe asked.

“I suppose. But before I do. It was made known to every pony that I am not from this place, so to speak right?” They nodded. “Alright, well. It’s not much of a story, but when I was younger, like twelve or something, I was very fascinated about foreign languages. I always wondered how people within the same continent can develop different tongues and things like that. And, at the time, I decided that I would become a multi-lingual translator. Basically a person anyone could hire to translate for you when you don’t know the language of a client or partner. And that lead me to learn a couple languages like German -that’s what it’s called where come from, along with French, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, and some other ones.” The spa sisters were very intrigued to learn I spoke many languages.

“Sister. Maybe he could help us?” Lotus said. Oh? This just got interesting.

“Help you with what?” I kindly asked. The girls look at each other and nod.

“We have been having… difficulties, with purchasing a building to expand our business.”

“Oh? And what problem might that be?”

“Well… the seller is a little… ‘traditional’, to say the least. She apparently can’t understand our accents and pretty much keeps up away from herself.” This sounds like a case of prejudice. Maybe rasim, but I’m leaning towards the former.

“Does she have something against you two?” I asked as I sat up in the tub a little.

“We don’t think so...” Louts said.

“But I think a little foul play is involved. So we would like you to ‘translate’ for us.”

“So, will you help us?” Both of them asked at the same time. Huddling up with each other and giving me pleading puppy dog eyes. I thought about it for a minute.

*Ain’t got shit to do at the moment. Eh, why not?* “Sure, I would love to help out.” I answered.

“Really!? Oh thank you!” Pinky and Bluey jump into the tub and hug me. Getting themselves wet in the process.

“Ahem, yes, well. I think we’re done with the bath thing.” I cough. Thank god I no one can see me blush under these feathers. “So, when do you need me?” I asked when we got out of the tub. “nd how much do I owe you for the bath?”

“Come by tomorrow. And you don’t need to pay us. This was a Poison Joke emergency.”

“It happens that offten?”

“More than you think.” Aloe grumbled. “But we don’t charge good friends of ours.” Lotus said.

“Oh. Good to know.” I smile. They smile back. They hand, or hoof -god I gotta get used to pony inflections… nah-, me towel and I get out off the tub to dry myself off. Through my peripheral I saw the ponies blush and look away. I quirk up a brow and look at myself. Aaaaand the water matting my feathers is magnifying my physic. Well, at least my junk isn’t out in the open for everybody. But now the twins are staring, eh, more ego stroking I guess. Or is it appreciation.

“Well, it’s been fun talking to you two. I’ll see ya tomorrow!” I wave as I head the front door.

“Bye! Ember! Ve shall be here waiting!” The twins wave back.

*Sigh* “Well, what to do now?” I ask no one in particular.

“Hey Ember!” Derpy waves to me in while she flies by in her mailwoman uniform. A large bag of mail hanging off her side.

“Hey Derpy. How’s Dinky?”

“She’s doing fine! Thanks!” Without the pegasus looking where she’s going, she smacks right into a pole. At least she was fast enough to recover mid-air. “Ehehee bye!” Her cheeks turned red and she zipped off.

“I wonder why she get’s embarrassed every time time that happens…”

~It could be due to that no one should be capable of doing that on a regular basis? Without doing it on purpose?~

*But you’ve seen her eyes! She can’t help it!*

~I know your point. But don’t you think she would develop some way to avoid things like that?~

*Doubt it. It’s part of her personality if I don’t know any better.* I shrugged and walked off in some random direction, something will come up to give me something to do.

“Ay Ember!” Hopefully Vinyl is that something.

“Hey Vinyl. What’s up.”

“Dude, it’s a been forever since we met up!” The dj trotted up beside me.

“Yes, it has. I’ve been a little… busy lately.”

“Oh yeah? With what? It felt like you dropped off the face of Equis!”

“Eh, you could say that.” I smirk.

“Wut?” Came her confused question.

“Don't worry about it.”

“What?” She asked again.

“So how’s your little thing with Octavia going?” I asked out of nowhere.

“Oh, we’re doin’ fine. Though, Octy’s been a little stressed lately. She’s gotta perform in a concert in front of the princesses.”

“Oh, wow. Yeah, that’s gotta be a little nerve wracking.” I agree with her.

“Yeah, I just hope everything goes well for her. Last time she messed something up in one of her concerts she locked herself in her room for four days straight.”

“Oh wow.” That actually surprised me. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I kinda figured a pony like Octavia, from what little I gathered about over the year, would be passionate about her career. But for something within that career to affect her that badly, she must take her job to heart. Just like how killing ‘the bad guys’ was beaten into my head all those years ago. Ah, memories.

“Yeah, I just hope if anything does go bad she doesn’t do that again.”

“Gotta agree with that Vinyl.”

“Yeah...” The mood was quickly declining so I made an attempt to brighten things up.

“So you got anything else to so today?” I asked.

“Nah. I mostly do nothing during the day.” She responded.

“Ah. I wish I had that kind of life when I was a teen.”

“What’er you talking about? I’m about to be twenty!” She peered up at me with a little bit of incredulity.

“And I’m twenty nine.” As far as these ponies are concerned. In actuality I’m thirty three since I spent just about the last five or six years on Earth.

God, I feel old now that I think about it. Well, at least I made myself immortal, I think. At least I’m confident I’ll live past a hundred years with ease.

And speaking of years… God damn it, Pinkie probably knows I’m older than what I’m telling Vinyl… Should I just go with telling her my actual age? She, along with my other friends excluding the girls, know I’m an alien.

“Hmph.” Vinyl pouted.

“Thought so.” Sure it was only a nine year difference, not really… Ugh, fuck it. “But actually, I’m thirty three.”

“What? But I thought-”

“Hold on, you know I’m not from here right?” It was kind of rude to interrupt her like that, but I needed to get my point across.

“Uuuuh, yeah.” She raised a brow at me.

“Well, I went back to my… planet. And did some business there that took about five years to start. But,” I elaborated when she gave me this bewildered look. “apparently, time flows differently between here and where I come from. Like, a day here could be a week there. So with that a thing. Me spending five years there equals a couple months here. Weird, right?”

“Yeah, it sound like all the time stuff Derpy talks about.”

“What?”

“You never heard?” I shake my head. “Oh, well, Derpy’s told us that she’s gone on these adventures with this brown stallion. I think his name was Time… something. But she said to just call him ‘The Doctor’.” No fucking way…

“Oh, I see… How long ago was this?”

“Mmmm… About two weeks ago? Yeah, something like that.” Vinyl nodded to herself in confirmation.

“Interesting...” Dr. Who? Here? In Ponyville as a pony? No… it can’t be true. “Did she ever tell what this stallion is up too on these ‘adventures’?”

“I don’t think so… Derpy said he’s really vague sometimes… Why do you ask?” So Doc Who is running around here. This could get interesting.

“Oh, alright.” I smile. “And I was just curious. So what do you feel like doing today?” Please, whatever deity is watching, let me and Vinyl have the same thought. I really want to have fun today.

“Screw with ponies by having another me around?” She put on a mischievous smirk.

“Screw with ponies by having another you around.” I smirk back. Oh, today is going to be a good day.