It's another signature beautiful day in Ponyville. The sun is hitting the hills in the distance just right to make them sing. The town's inhabitants all move from shop to shop and home to home to take care of their daily errands or the day's business. Meanwhile, you move down one of these bustling streets with your loyal marefriend by your side.

"Anooon, I'mm boooored," groans your marefriend.

"Shut up, Berry. This is exposition time,” you growl to her.

Now, where were you. Oh! Right. The sun is shining and the ponies buzz around happily in their daily lives.

"Whaaat? What are you talking about Anon? Are you drunk?" Berry asks you curiously.

"No Berry, you're drunk. You're always drunk," you tell her with a sigh. Berry giggles to herself at your exasperation.

"Oh yeeaah! That's right," she cheerily replies.

Berry Punch, the town drunk, is a great mare friend... but sometimes you could just-

"Anon we should do something fun today!" Berry interrupts your train of thought once more.

"Like what?" you ask curiously, resigning yourself to a conversation with Berry.

"Maybe we should get a job at a restaurant!" she happily suggests.

"We already did that,” you groan.

"Noooo,” she says defiantly.

"Yeah. We did," you retort.

"Noooooo," Berry continues.

"Berry, we already fucking did. I was fired. Remember?" you thunder at your marefriend.

"You're crazy, Anon. I think you should get a therapist," she worriedly tells you.

Your irritation intensifies as the two of you walk towards Sugarcube corner. All you need is a morning coffee. Then everything will be okay. Then maybe, just maybe-

"Hey, Anon!" a feminine voice calls to you.

"Jesus christ, Berry. I just want you to shut the fuck- Oh hey Lyra." You say, turning to the voice and realizing it isn't the wine-colored pony. Lyra stares at you carefully as you look around for Berry.

"Berry! Get out of the goddamn trash!" You shout to your marefriend as she rummages through a nearby dumpster.

"But I dun wanna," Berry whines, poking her head out of the dumpster with a banana peel on her head.

"Berry!" you yell in a threatening tone.

"Fiiiine!” She whines, digging her head back into the trash. “Ooh! A wine bottle."

"NOW!" You turn back to Lyra who is smiling widely. "Sorry. Uh. What did you want again?"

Lyra simply beams after watching your interaction with your marefriend. "You'll do great. Here. Take this note and read it as loud as you can,” Lyra says. She hands you a note and walks away, proudly. What the hell was that about? You look down at the card and carefully read it.

"What the fuck?" you mutter to yourself.

“Fuck the what?" Berry asks innocently.

"Shut up, Berry,” you groan.

"Okay!" She happily answers. You look down at the note you were given, look to Berry and shrug. Here goes nothing.

"Okay! TO ANYONE WHO IS GREEN, I GIVE REALLY WARM HUGS AND HAVE LOTS OF YUMMY CANDY!" you scream out to the entire populace of Ponyville.

A few ponies stare at you and then go about their business. You crumple the note in your hand and put it back into your pocket.

"Well that was a fucking waste of time,” you say aloud.

"I dunno, Anon. Lyra really seemed to like it,” Berry says with a smile.

"What do you mean? She gave me-" Suddenly a large mass of mint colored pony smashes you in the face and sends you falling to the ground.

"I WIKE WARM HUGS AND CAAANDY~!" the mare screams.

"JESUS CHRIST, LYRA! GET OFF ME!" you roar at your new assailant.

"I'M NOT LYRA! DAS MY SEESTERR,” the mint colored pony wails.

"GET THE FUCK OFF! BERRY! HELP!" you plead to your marefriend. Berry dogpiles on top of the mint-colored mare and knocks the wind out of you.

"DISSS ISS FUUUN!" the imposter screams.

"I didn't know you were so much fun Lyra!" Berry exclaims.

"I'M NOOOT LYYRA. I'M LYYYLERR,” the mare corrects her newfound friend.

"I like her, Anon. Can we keep her?" Berry pleads.

"EVERYONE GET THE FUCK OFF ME!" You scream under the weight of two tiny horses. The two ponies make their way off of you and you rise to your feet.

"Okay. Time to solve this problem. Lyler. Go home,” you demand the newcomer.

“NO U." She repliess happily. You sigh to yourself.

"Go back to Lyra,” you say, attempting a different strategy.

"NO! I'LL GET YELLED AT AGAIN!" she continues to scream.

"I'M YELLING AT YOU RIGHT NOW!" you reply in turn.

"YOU SAID YOU HAVE WARM HUGS!" Lyler pouts.

"You did say you have warm hugs, Anon,” Berry asserts.

"Berry, Stay out of this. She's a bad influence on you,” you say to your marefriend.

"No U," Berry says defiantly.

You turn around and rub your forehead. Great. Now you are stuck with both of them. Here we go.

You walk to Sugarcube at a faster pace than normal. Probably because you didn't expect today to get this stupid this fast. Literally. Pushing the door open, it closes behind you right in Berry's face and she falls down. You turn around to re-open it, but Lyler leaps through the glass door and shatters it.

"AUTOMATIC DOOOOR!"

Berry rises to her feet and leaps through the new 'automatic door'.

"Lyler, you have a thingy in your thing," she accurately describes to Lyler.

The mint pony looks up at her forehead, which has a massive piece of glass jutting out of it. Her face lights up with joy and she hops around giddily.

"IMMA NAME YOU MISTER TINGLES! YOU MAKE MY BRAIN FEEL TINGLY!"

You turn around to Pinkie, who simply is wearing a thousand yard stare at the events that are unfolding.

"Pinkie. I'll pay for everything. I just need a coffee so bad right now," you plead.

She looks to you, then back to the two crazy horses behind you.

"I'll make it a double,” she voices with concern.

"Thanks Pinks," you sigh happily. You turn around and hold the mint pony's face in your hands. "Okay. Don't move a muscle."

"OOOOKAAAY."

Grabbing Mr. Tingles, you pull him out of her skull as gently as you can. Luckily, it didn't go too deep.

"I FEEL BETTER NOOOW."

"Good. Berry get rid of this," you ask to your marefriend.

"Okay Anon," She says, wobbling towards you. "You hand her the piece of glass and she looks down at it carefully."

Turning back around, you slam several bits on the counter and down the coffee that Pinkie prepared for you. When you turn back around, Berry and Lyler are giggling with each other. A sinking feeling immediately fills your stomach.

"What did you do?" you ask worriedly.

"Mr. Tingles is hiding," Berry giggles. You look around the room for the massive piece of broken glass. Finally you look to the mint colored mare herself, who is now bleeding from her mareparts. On any other day, you would freak out that a pony shoved a massive piece of glass in her vagina.

Instead, you simply turn to Pinkie.

"Uhh. Any idea what we should do?" Pinkie looks at you, her face sick.

"How would I know what to do? I'm crazy, but this is a whole new league of crazy” Pinkie says.

"Sorry. Just trying to attach to something sane here," you reply with your desire to keep living slowly fading from your fingertips. You sigh to yourself then look back to the other two.

"Well. I guess we are going to the hospital now. Let's go."

"You are cancer,"

"WHAT!" Lyler yells.

The three of you sit huddled around the doctor in his office. Apparently after they pulled the glass out, they wanted to do a check up on the crazy mare.

"Well, honestly, it could be worse. You don't have cancer. You just are cancer. You seem to infect those around you with the terrible disease by making them listen to you for over an hour," the doctor corrects. The doctor looks down at his watch.

"In fact, I only have a few hours left to live," the doctor adds.

"Well great. We are all going to die now. Awesome," you say sarcastically. “Cherry on top of my fucking day.”

"But there is another way," The doctor says.

You rub your forehead. That coffee isn't helping. "What do we do?" you ask.

"You must travel through the Dungeon of the Two Sisters and retrieve the Gem of the Crystal Empire that hides within." You stare flatly at the doctor.

"So, we can die and make peace with our loved ones, or die in an old castle." You look down to Berry, who is snoring in her chair. "Where is this castle?"

"Are we there yet?"

"No, Berry."

"Are we there yet?"

"No, Berry." you assert.

"Are we there yet?" Berry asks.

"JESUS CHRIST! NO! WE AREN'T!"

"Okay." Berry answers as you wade through the Everfree forest. Finally the harsh thicket clears, and you see the massive castle perched on a hillside in the redness of the sunset.

"ARRRE WE DER YEEET!" Lyler asks.

"Yeah," you answer quietly, in awe of the scenery in front of you.

"NO FAIR! YOU NEVER TOLD ME YES!" Berry screams.

"Berry. We weren't there yet,” you assert to her. Lyler bounds happily up to the castle, while Berry moves in front of you.

"Anon, can we talk?" Berry says flatly. You watch the mint pony leap away and then look down at her. Bery never used this tone of voice. Ever. For the first time today, you were actually concerned about something that wasn't bat-shit insane.

"Yeah, sure,” you said.

"I don't like how you've been acting around her, Anon,” Berry said. You chuckle to yourself and shake your head.

"What? What are you talking about? I'm screaming at her! Telling her to get the fuck away! That I don't want her around!" you chuckle.

Berry looks down and kicks her hoof on the dirt. "Yeah..."

“How is that bad?" you ask.

"Well... I dunno... it reminded me of how we first started dating," she said quietly.

You stare down at her with a blank expression. She looks up at you. Carefully, you kneel down and wrap her in your arms.

"Berry. That was different. I can't stand this insane horse. You are a cute drunk. That's different." Berry sniffs her nose and buries her head into your shoulder. You pull away from her and pick a stray violet off of the ground. Pulling her hair to the side, you carefully place the flower behind her ear.

"Now then. We have one goal in mind."

Berry looks up at you happily. "Don't Die!" she cheers.

"That's right. Now let's do this."

The three of you approach the large wooden doors to the castle. You walk up to them and try to push them open. After pushing as hard as you can, you take a step back to see you progress. They didn't move at all.

"It looks like they are closed tightly," Berry observes.

"What are you, a text based RPG? Shut up,” you command her. Berry smiles and nods. You can't believe she's enjoyed your constant insults and anger. You sigh to yourself as Lyler approaches the doors.

"They're closed,” you reiterate to her. Lyler rears her head back, then smashes her face into the door. The door opens wide and the retarded horse looks back with a bloody snout and a smile.

"AH DEEEED IITT."

Shaking your head, you make your way inside. The dark, twisting insides made the rooms hard to navigate, but soon you found the 2spooky staircase down to the dungeon of the castle. The three of you walk down the dark and twisting staircase to the basement of the castle, as you try as hard as you can to tune out the conversation Berry and Lyler have about candy and vodka.

"So it really does go through the body faster if you shove it in your butthole?" Berry asks Lyler.

"YEEAAHH! ROOM GO SPINNY!"

It's not very effective.

When you reach the dungeon, you push yourself forward through the stone hallways, lit by torches that seemed to light themselves. Which normally would be a little spooky, but it was accentuated by Lyler screaming at the top of her lungs every time a torch was lit. Not because there was fire. But because there was a piece of wood on the wall.

Finally the two of you enter a wide open room where a door is held on your right, guarding a large tunnel. The door slams shut behind you and the center of the room drops several feet as a murky green liquid fills the new pit in the room. Examining your surroundings, you see the doors are held up by a few pieces of rope.

Well hell. Easy enough. You search your inventory for items. Which really means you look down inside your pants. As in, you actually pulled the waist of your pants outward and looked down at your junk.

Let's see. You have: A few pieces of candy, the note, and Mr. Tingles. Wait. Why do you have a large shard of broken glass right next to your dick. Actually. Nevermind, that's perfect.

Pulling the glass out of your pants, you walk to one of the doors and look at the rope. It looks like this one rope is holding everything together. Well, better get to work. You take the sharp shard of glass and begin sawing at the rope.

"JESUS CHRIST WHY WON'T THIS ROPE BREAK!" you scream in exasperation.

"You can't use that here, Anon," Berry says happily.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, BERRY!"

"THE TURTLE JUICE TASTES GREAT GUYS!" Lyler screams.

"Lyler, I will destroy you,” you growl.

"YAAAY!"

"That's not a good thing," you groan.

You set the shard of glass on the ground and sit down. How could you have made no progress? What the fuck was wrong? Was this magical rope or something? You look around the room for some sort of clue. There has to be something else.

"HEEEEY!"

"Jesus christ, Lyler. Shut up,” you mutter.

"I FOOOUND A THIIING!"

"Shut up. Please. For the love of God. Shut up."

"ITTT'S A CUUUUBE!"

You look over at Lyler and she is, in fact, holding a large white cube, with hearts painted on the sides, in her hooves.

"Okay. Cool. We have a cube. Now what do we do?" you mutter.

"Well, there is a button over there,” Berry says as she points across the pit of green juice to a large red button.

"Okay. So, If I had to make a guess, we have to take the cube and-"

"CUBE TOSS!" Lyler screams. Lyler spins on two hooves and throws the cube as hard as she can. Time goes in slow motion as you watch your only hope for survival fly through the air.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM!" you scream, rage boiling down to the pit of your soul. The cube lands softly on the red button and the two doors open. Lyler turns to you and smiles.

"DER WAS A SPIDER ON DA BUTTON. IIII KILLED IT."

You open your mouth to say something, but decide to simply turn around and head down the corridor. There is not enough time in a single life to figure out how this mare ticks. As the three of you head down the dark hallway, a small light appears in the distance.

"Hey! I think that's it!" you answer with relief, knowing you are at least one step closer to ridding this annoying horse from your grasp. The three of you break into a run and approach the light. Soon, you enter a large room, with a large podium in the middle with a small, single blue heart hovering on a podium. "Well, I think that's what we came for,” you observe.

You walk up to the podium and reach out for it.

"Anon?” Berry asks.

"What, Berry?" you ask, turning away from the heart.

"I've been thinking," she begins.

“That's a first," you claim.

"Why is the Heart of the Crystal Empire going to save us from cancer?” She asks.

"Because if Flutterpriest can put even a single reference to Cadance into a story, then he will," Lyler says normally.

"What?" both you and Berry say in unison at the sudden mood change from the mentially deficient mare.

"SHINY BLUE RADIATION!" she screams.

You and Berry simply look at each other and shrug in unison.

Carefully, you feel around the podium for any sort of traps. Examining the heart, which magically levitated in the air, you notice it doesn't seem to be held by strings of any sort or have any barrier. Then, there's only one thing left to do. A drop of sweat drips down your brow. Taking a deep breath, you grab the heart off the podium and hold it in your hand.

A quiet tense moment passes. Straightening up, you turn to Berry and hold up the heart.

"Well that was anti-climatic,” you say flatly.

You look to the other two mares, expecting something to happen. Berry looks at you confused. Lyler suddenly falls over like a paralyzed goat.

"SHIT!" you scream. “The 'Don't Die' thing was a joke!” The two of your run over to Lyler, who writhes on the ground in pain. "Are you okay? What's wrong?!”

"TUMMY HUURRT!" she screams in agony.

"We gotta get outta here!" you yell to Berry, as the two of you move in place to pick up Lyler from behind and she can pick her up from the front.

Suddenly Lyler lets out a long, vicious fart. Followed by a long trail of brown liquid. Lyler sighs in content as you back away to avoid a brown shower.

"BETTER NOW. LET'S GO!"

"You actually got it?" a new doctor told you.

"Yes. We actually got it," You say to the second doctor. “Now what?”

"Well, I dunno if the other guy told you, but he was just fuckin with you guys. He retired yesterday and wanted to pull a prank,” the medical professional chuckled while reviewing your paperwork. You stare flatly at the doctor.

"So, we aren't going do die?" you confirm.

"No, of course not,” he says flatly. You point at the green pony.

"And she isn't the embodiment of cancer?" you ask.

"Oh, no. I'm, afraid that's actually true,” he confirms. “Prolonged exposure can include symptoms such as mental degradation, diarrhea, anger management issues, and ruined stories.

"Oh. Okay,” you reply. Sitting up from your chair, you grab the green pony, who smiles back at you with a dumb grin, and throw her out of the fifth-story window.

“WHEEEEEE-”

You slam the window shut. "There. That's taken care of"

And everyone lived happily ever after.

"Wait!" Berry says. "Does this mean I'm not an alcoholic anymore?!"

"No. Shut up Berry."